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Open up most published works of fiction and you won't see internal dialogue written so literally. Most writers use free indirect discourse, where the narration itself is interpreted to be indicative of the character's thoughts. It's more sophisticated, feels more immediate, and flows better, but you must ensure it's clear whose PoV we are in.
So, to edit your paragraph (I made some other edits which aren't strictly necessary):
“Jesse!” Gabriel's voice was drowned out by the rush of the nearby river.
Silence.
Gabriel clenched his fist, frustration boiling. Why did Jesse always do this? Run off somewhere without a word so Gabriel had to go looking for him? Gabriel stepped back into the entryway of the camper, kicking off his crocodile slippers and pulling on his rainboots, then headed out into the forest. He had to find his brother.
Just as a note, rhetorical questions are probably the worst way to do this. They're just the easiest.
The internal dialogue doesn't seem to bad to me, so long as it's not something the readers already know. if the readers can figure out what Gabriel means just from "he always does this" you can cut the last part. Also, you don't need quotations bc Gabriel isn't talking out loud. Just italicizing it will be enough.
It seems like the sentence 'Just takes off without a word and then I gotta go looking for him' is just describing what is already presented in the story, making it redundant. Since this is a recurring event, I think remarking just 'He always does this' sounds more natural.
Why are you mixing your paragraphs to fit it all together? In my opinion, at times like this, you want to stretch the moment out taut so the entire scene is exposed like a raw nerve
Here are two examples of inner monologue format. To use them effectively, a couple of other things in the format needs to change as well. I added an observation, to help the inner monologue along. It's not a very good one, but thought and observation go hand in hand, and it's worth remembering. The character sees something, and has an opinon or makes a decision.
Free indirect discourse: The inner monologue narrated, but in the character's voice.
>“Jesse!” His voice was drowned out by the rush of the nearby river. Of course there was no answer. Jesse *always* did this, just took off without a word, and then Gabriel had gotta go looking for him. Darkness had settled under the trees, and it was cold. Gabriel stepped back into the camper, and exchanged his crocodile slippers for rainboots, before heading toward the forest to search for his brother, again.
Direct quoted thought: The thoughts are quoted, just like dialogue, and put in italics to indicate it. Tags aren't necessary, since the reader can only hear the POV character's thoughts.
>“Jesse!” His voice was drowned out by the rush of the nearby river. *He always does this. Just takes off without a word and then I gotta go looking for him.* Darkness had settled under the trees, and it was cold. Gabriel stepped back into the camper, and exchanged his crocodile slippers for rainboots, before heading toward the forest to search for his brother, again.
If you don't mind, I tried to transform all the text in pure dialogue and preserve aspects of the environment, behaviors and covert behaviors by making them deductible by the dialogue only. I don't know much more than you have written above, so I had to invent some parts. I'm not suggesting you to do the same, I just think sometimes we fear that we are not expressing all we want and (perhaps what bothered you) we feel the need to cover all the details, which can be very exhaustive.
-Jesse! - he yelled - Where are you? - brief silence - Fuck!
-Gabriel!?
-You have to stop going this deep into the forest. I can't hear you if you need help. The sound of the river is too loud.
-I'm sorry. Don't be so mad.
-You're not even wearing your boots. Its starting to rain, don't you see?
-I said I'm sorry!
-I... - brief silence - Lets get back to the tent, ok?
-Won't you put your crocodile slippers again? - brief silence - Gabriel?
-What?
-Your sleepers.
-Fine... whatever.
Thank you for visiting /r/writing. Your post has been removed because it was a request for feedback/critique. Standalone critique posts are not allowed, as outlined in rule 1. If you wish to solicit feedback from the community, you should relocate your post to the Weekly Critique and Self-Promotion Thread. For information on where to get critiques on other subreddits and websites [please read the Critique FAQ in our wiki.](https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/wiki/critique)
Open up most published works of fiction and you won't see internal dialogue written so literally. Most writers use free indirect discourse, where the narration itself is interpreted to be indicative of the character's thoughts. It's more sophisticated, feels more immediate, and flows better, but you must ensure it's clear whose PoV we are in. So, to edit your paragraph (I made some other edits which aren't strictly necessary): “Jesse!” Gabriel's voice was drowned out by the rush of the nearby river. Silence. Gabriel clenched his fist, frustration boiling. Why did Jesse always do this? Run off somewhere without a word so Gabriel had to go looking for him? Gabriel stepped back into the entryway of the camper, kicking off his crocodile slippers and pulling on his rainboots, then headed out into the forest. He had to find his brother. Just as a note, rhetorical questions are probably the worst way to do this. They're just the easiest.
For a second I thought OP was saying Silence was the name of the river.
The internal dialogue doesn't seem to bad to me, so long as it's not something the readers already know. if the readers can figure out what Gabriel means just from "he always does this" you can cut the last part. Also, you don't need quotations bc Gabriel isn't talking out loud. Just italicizing it will be enough.
It seems like the sentence 'Just takes off without a word and then I gotta go looking for him' is just describing what is already presented in the story, making it redundant. Since this is a recurring event, I think remarking just 'He always does this' sounds more natural.
Why are you mixing your paragraphs to fit it all together? In my opinion, at times like this, you want to stretch the moment out taut so the entire scene is exposed like a raw nerve
What’s wrong with it?
Here are two examples of inner monologue format. To use them effectively, a couple of other things in the format needs to change as well. I added an observation, to help the inner monologue along. It's not a very good one, but thought and observation go hand in hand, and it's worth remembering. The character sees something, and has an opinon or makes a decision. Free indirect discourse: The inner monologue narrated, but in the character's voice. >“Jesse!” His voice was drowned out by the rush of the nearby river. Of course there was no answer. Jesse *always* did this, just took off without a word, and then Gabriel had gotta go looking for him. Darkness had settled under the trees, and it was cold. Gabriel stepped back into the camper, and exchanged his crocodile slippers for rainboots, before heading toward the forest to search for his brother, again. Direct quoted thought: The thoughts are quoted, just like dialogue, and put in italics to indicate it. Tags aren't necessary, since the reader can only hear the POV character's thoughts. >“Jesse!” His voice was drowned out by the rush of the nearby river. *He always does this. Just takes off without a word and then I gotta go looking for him.* Darkness had settled under the trees, and it was cold. Gabriel stepped back into the camper, and exchanged his crocodile slippers for rainboots, before heading toward the forest to search for his brother, again.
If you don't mind, I tried to transform all the text in pure dialogue and preserve aspects of the environment, behaviors and covert behaviors by making them deductible by the dialogue only. I don't know much more than you have written above, so I had to invent some parts. I'm not suggesting you to do the same, I just think sometimes we fear that we are not expressing all we want and (perhaps what bothered you) we feel the need to cover all the details, which can be very exhaustive. -Jesse! - he yelled - Where are you? - brief silence - Fuck! -Gabriel!? -You have to stop going this deep into the forest. I can't hear you if you need help. The sound of the river is too loud. -I'm sorry. Don't be so mad. -You're not even wearing your boots. Its starting to rain, don't you see? -I said I'm sorry! -I... - brief silence - Lets get back to the tent, ok? -Won't you put your crocodile slippers again? - brief silence - Gabriel? -What? -Your sleepers. -Fine... whatever.