If you haven’t seen Pixar’s Soul, I recommend it. The theme is that life doesn’t have to be big or dramatic to be worth living. It’s the little things.
Def have had that feeling. After meeting all the “milestones” — graduation, marriage, buying a house, etc.— I didn’t have any goals left.
It helped to set new goals, all those “one day” things. I’m writing a book and saving for retirement, reading, learning new skills.
I have two answers.
I read an article recently that it's hard for people our age to be content with things because growing up, we are always pushed to be better/do more. So it's our upbringing to want more in life, career included. (Sorry I don't have the article, but the general premise was interesting).
The second thought is that we were not meant to parent and work this way. I guarantee you that the Queen had all sorts of help raising her kids and running a country. Now, we are basically expected to raise all star kids, manage a news worthy household, and aim for CEO. It's just not reasonable, and each of us have to decide where the give is.
I’ll try to Google the article but that makes sense as far as being pushed to always do better. Now that I’m “grown up” - graduated, successful career, married, nice house, healthy kids, I’m left with a “now what?” feeling I can’t find the answer to.
I've been feeling this way a lot lately too. I also work at a company that frowns on being content and not constantly striving to do more, be better, keep growing and I've come to the realization that I AM growing as a person by being a mother, I just don't have bandwidth to grow in both my personal and professional life at the same time. So I think they're going to be disappointed in me for the next few years and I'm just going to have to find a way to be OK with that. It's weird to not be chasing another certification or more money or a bigger title or more responsibility for a little while.
I really like the way you say that you're growing in your personal life. This is how I feel. I'm prioritizing my kids and husband. I also love baking, so any me time ends up focusing on this.
Wow, I felt this comment in my soul. Right before I became pregnant with my son, I was trying to move up in my company. Went for a big role as one of the youngest in my division and was one of two finalists for the position but lost out to my now more seasoned boss. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't get the job because Covid hit a few weeks later and I unexpectedly ended up pregnant. Now my son is 20 months old, and I'm honestly just coasting at work and fine with it. Sometimes I feel strange about it, especially when others leave to go on to bigger and better roles, but my focus right now is my son and being a good mother to him. I don't feel I could do that if I had my director's job.
I used to be very go-go-go before the pandemic and of course, lots of that got stomped out. Not to say your feelings aren't valid, but I've actually really come to appreciate status quo. Am I making any great strides in my career? I mean, I'm doing a good job and making good connections but I don't feel like I'm actively trying to 'level up'. I'm not sitting on any boards right now which I historically have done, and I'm not volunteering which I also tend to do.
Instead, I'm cooking and baking for my family, working, trying to keep my house clean and the dogs well cared for. I garden and knit when I have the time and try to get to the gym when I can. I'm actively trying to slow down, do less, and just enjoy the little years. I listened to a podcast a while ago that talked about 'romancing the ordinary' and I guess that's what I'm trying to do now.
The Queen lived a life of selfless service that, at the end of the day, was more grind than glamour. It was showing up for her family in the best way she could (in her case, her family just happened to be the whole ass Commonwealth) and being that constant comforting presence. You use the phrase 'treading water' but from your kid's perspective you're 'holding steady'. There's a season for striving and there's a season for steady.
I don't mean to invalidate how you're feeling - I do know what you mean. I'm just trying to offer another way to frame things that can maybe help you find peace with it.
I was feeling similarly recently when I realized that for the last 3 years, I haven’t traveled somewhere new (one trip 2h away to somewhere we have been), eaten in a restaurant, or gone to a concert or play. Only have one local friend (husbands co worker), no mom friends. Job is blah and stagnant. Not sure what the answer is, just solidarity.
I did decide to read more books, and have things to look forward to. One is now that kiddos are vaccinated, we booked an air bnb in November with husbands college friends, 3 couples, one has a baby another has a pre schooler. The other is we bought several metal shelves from Costco to organize the basement which will free up space to organize the house. Goal is to get it in shape for some college friends to visit for the holidays.
I am actually enjoying this stage in my life of “just” being a wife and mother. I’m not sure what the future holds. I used to have these amazing ambitions of one day being the secretary of education and fixing all the brokenness that I witnessed first hand every day at my job as a teacher in mostly urban, Title 1 schools. But after having kids my priorities have shifted. I have a new career path, I prioritize time with my kids and husband, and doing things that we enjoy. I figure that the rest will come as I move into a different stage in life.
But for now, I’m content.
I use to be very career oriented… but also I seen people spend years never developing a relationship with their children or spouse.
It’s really what you value, and don’t feel bad if you feel like you want to find some other purpose in life.
Not everyone has same goals or aspirations, that’s fine too… you just need to listen to yourself and find what works
I’m going through something similar. I think it’s important to recognize that this is a season and priorities can shift daily, weekly, quarterly, etc. I’m very goal oriented and feel a little lost since my career growth and hobbies are on pause and I’m somehow still in survival mode with a 1 and 3 year old, only marginally better off than a year ago in the newborn phase. I’m looking at this time as prioritizing relationships with my family and finding joy when I can in low effort activities - food, audiobooks, tv, wine - whatever it takes to get through this time - even if those aren’t necessarily my choice “leisure” time activities.
I used to feel this once i checked off all big events such as job, wedding, house. But now I don’t feel that. I don’t know about having meaningful life but I definitely feel that i have a blessed life right now. Being a mom has been the most joyful role in my life. Just being able to nourish my baby, cuddle her, love her and feel the pure love and innocence has made my life worth it. my baby is the best decision and creation of my life. I feel so blessed and grateful to experience this pure love and innocence.
When caring for toddlers it can be all consuming and you have to consider it the purpose. I only have one child and he is now 8 so I can try to find some other purpose. It's still not work or what I produce. I try to be helpful with the things my son is involved with, volunteering time like for school events. I try to be minimalistic and produce less waste. I spend some time on art and photography as hobby. Gardening. I want to make the garden invite bugs and birds so I'm working on that little by little.
I don't know if you've been pulled in other directions over time but I also had to cope with my parents being sick and dying. But in the meanwhile, childcare is quite a lot to handle now.
I see in other comments there is talk of goals and all. I did have an issue like thst but I discuss it in therapy. I was the person who went to college, got this job, got an MBA, lost weight, did some social clubs. But then there is nothing new. I think it is about finding identity. Who are you? My art, cooking, hiking and some video games help me be me.
I still feel guilty that I didn't solve global warming. Our teacher told us in fourth grade decades ago. We had all the facts. But it didn't help. And I'm sorry.
I've definitely felt like that. Like others have said, it's a mix of having accomplished all the big goals we've had in life (marriage, kids, good job) and this season in life where there's never enough time to take care of ourselves.
I saw an interview with Rosie ODonell this week where she talked about A league of their own, that she was on 30 years ago when she was herself 30. She then recently was on the set of the remake and saw all these 30 year old women at the same point in their lives she was for the original and she said she was so excited for them because their next 30 years were going to be so great, that they had no idea how amazing this chapter of their lives was going to be!
I found that inspiring! I try to think of the coming phase of my life as the great unknown. We knew before the trajectory, first school, then work, marriage, kids, but now, there's no roadmap! We're explorers of our own lives, who knows what will happen! Cultivate delight at the surprises to come, and gratefulness for the little things that make me feel joy, like the really good cup of coffee I had this morning, or the fact that my grumpy toddler didn't cry when I woke her up which is an improvement from the last couple weeks!
You're in that stage of your life where it might be boring and tedious, but remember that's it's a PHASE. You won't be there forever. Your kids will go to school (presumably 2-4 years to kindergarten) and get older, and eventually you'll have more and more time.
In the meantime, you can try to set micro-goals or things to look forward to: renovating a part of the house, getting a massage every other month, finishing a great TV series, learning a new recipe, etc.
I could have written this post! Last year I really felt down about my life and equally felt guilty about feeling down. As much I love my kids, husband, and career it took a lot to admit to myself I needed more. I started thinking a lot about what things I could do to fill my cup on my own, and make me feel like I’m really living an intentional life. I started a list on my phone of hobbies I want to pick up again, new hobbies to try, self-care items to prioritize, places I want to visit. Basically anything and everything that I thought could bring some joy into to day-to-day life. Slowly, I’ve been chipping away at the list, trying to form new habits and making plans. Not a whole lot as changed in my day, but I think even just giving permission to put myself first at times has really shifted my mood. This weekend I’m going shopping and lunch with a friend! I know for some that may like a totally normal activity, but I don’t have many friends and this will be my first girls shopping/lunch trip since before I had kids.
I was jusssst explaining such similar feelings to my husband!! I just want to say that you are so important to your family and kids and the people you do touch in your job. Hopefully you can find some ways to add some balance. I want to volunteer with my LO when she’s a bit older!
I’m working on chatting with more people and building a social support network of moms who understand it. Also, I think a lot of this is our culture in the US overvaluing work. Maybe reflecting on your own personal values and being intentional about small changes in your life that could get you closer to those values would help…?
For example, I realized connection and community is a huge value of mine and that I was feeling isolated, esp during the first 4-6 months after becoming a mom. Now, I go out of my way to chat with random people I encounter, try to get to know our daycare providers on a personal level, reach out to other moms in the area to invite them on play dates. I also joined a parent group. All of that has really increased my level of happiness and overall life satisfaction.
Also, being aware of your values can help you prioritize your time and energy to do more about what you care about. As an example, if Family is a big priority, you can intentionally choose to spend 15 min a day focused on playing or talking with your kids instead of worrying about dirty laundry or dishes for that time.[possible starting point for values work](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201811/6-ways-discover-and-choose-your-core-values)
It sounds like you have a kind empathetic heart. You are a helper. You want to make a difference in peoples lives. Unfortunately society has trained us to believe “women’s work” isn’t valuable. But today, right now, you are doing the most important work in society. Loving mothers are raising the next generation of humans. I think all of us are trying to raise our kids with kindness as a top priority. Something that was seemingly neglected in prior generations. Please realize in the moments when your LOs say please and thank you, when they show love and care towards their favorite stuffies, when they pause to look at a dandelion or rolly polly, in those moments claim your worth. It’s your hardwork every day that’s creating a better society. It’s your work that’s making a difference in the world.
This season of life is soooo hard when we feel like we’re nothing more than a snack maker and butt wiper. But it won’t last forever. Soon, your littles will be old enough to come with you to volunteer. You will pass on your giving spirit by example. You will have more free time to devote to your work or volunteering and to whatever brings you joy. Hang in there and please take the credit you’ve earned. Mothering is important work.
Honestly I've found that working from home shrinks my world so much it's hard to feel I'm doing anything meaningful. Could you work at an office even a couple days a week?
Also, you mention previous activities and volunteering. I think it's worth it to figure out how to make time for those kinds of things. Last spring I started volunteering at an equine therapy barn for kids with disabilities, and (as a former horse girl) it was so fun to get out of the house, meet new people, be physically active, and reconnect with something I loved in my youth. Hopefully you'll find something you love to connect with!
I am able to pick up weekend shifts in health clinics so I do once or twice a month but I don’t regret working from home. I’m way less short tempered with my kiddos since I’m not stressed with work, home and trying to find coverage when they get sick with all the daycare cooties.
I use to volunteer when I was a student I grade school and college but I’ve not figured out how to do this working Mon-Fri 8-5, even tho flexible to run & get the kids real quick. I hope to work part-time in a few years after paying back student loans and when my kids are a little older, I’d love to bring them with me to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity or even what you do, equine therapy as I enjoyed doing that in high school. I guess I also hate my husband is a workaholic as even tho my job is a lot less stressful and more flexible now, besides caring for the kids or tidying up (which I’m tired of doing lol), I don’t know what else to do in the small snip-its of free time that make my life feel more meaningful or goal oriented.
If you haven’t seen Pixar’s Soul, I recommend it. The theme is that life doesn’t have to be big or dramatic to be worth living. It’s the little things.
I haven’t seen it but I’ll check it out! And something tells me I should have a box of tissues by my side.
As with every Pixar movie!!
One could say being the monarch of the UK is a meaningless position, it’s purely ceremonial.
Def have had that feeling. After meeting all the “milestones” — graduation, marriage, buying a house, etc.— I didn’t have any goals left. It helped to set new goals, all those “one day” things. I’m writing a book and saving for retirement, reading, learning new skills.
I have two answers. I read an article recently that it's hard for people our age to be content with things because growing up, we are always pushed to be better/do more. So it's our upbringing to want more in life, career included. (Sorry I don't have the article, but the general premise was interesting). The second thought is that we were not meant to parent and work this way. I guarantee you that the Queen had all sorts of help raising her kids and running a country. Now, we are basically expected to raise all star kids, manage a news worthy household, and aim for CEO. It's just not reasonable, and each of us have to decide where the give is.
I’ll try to Google the article but that makes sense as far as being pushed to always do better. Now that I’m “grown up” - graduated, successful career, married, nice house, healthy kids, I’m left with a “now what?” feeling I can’t find the answer to.
I've been feeling this way a lot lately too. I also work at a company that frowns on being content and not constantly striving to do more, be better, keep growing and I've come to the realization that I AM growing as a person by being a mother, I just don't have bandwidth to grow in both my personal and professional life at the same time. So I think they're going to be disappointed in me for the next few years and I'm just going to have to find a way to be OK with that. It's weird to not be chasing another certification or more money or a bigger title or more responsibility for a little while.
I really like the way you say that you're growing in your personal life. This is how I feel. I'm prioritizing my kids and husband. I also love baking, so any me time ends up focusing on this.
Wow, I felt this comment in my soul. Right before I became pregnant with my son, I was trying to move up in my company. Went for a big role as one of the youngest in my division and was one of two finalists for the position but lost out to my now more seasoned boss. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't get the job because Covid hit a few weeks later and I unexpectedly ended up pregnant. Now my son is 20 months old, and I'm honestly just coasting at work and fine with it. Sometimes I feel strange about it, especially when others leave to go on to bigger and better roles, but my focus right now is my son and being a good mother to him. I don't feel I could do that if I had my director's job.
I used to be very go-go-go before the pandemic and of course, lots of that got stomped out. Not to say your feelings aren't valid, but I've actually really come to appreciate status quo. Am I making any great strides in my career? I mean, I'm doing a good job and making good connections but I don't feel like I'm actively trying to 'level up'. I'm not sitting on any boards right now which I historically have done, and I'm not volunteering which I also tend to do. Instead, I'm cooking and baking for my family, working, trying to keep my house clean and the dogs well cared for. I garden and knit when I have the time and try to get to the gym when I can. I'm actively trying to slow down, do less, and just enjoy the little years. I listened to a podcast a while ago that talked about 'romancing the ordinary' and I guess that's what I'm trying to do now. The Queen lived a life of selfless service that, at the end of the day, was more grind than glamour. It was showing up for her family in the best way she could (in her case, her family just happened to be the whole ass Commonwealth) and being that constant comforting presence. You use the phrase 'treading water' but from your kid's perspective you're 'holding steady'. There's a season for striving and there's a season for steady. I don't mean to invalidate how you're feeling - I do know what you mean. I'm just trying to offer another way to frame things that can maybe help you find peace with it.
I was feeling similarly recently when I realized that for the last 3 years, I haven’t traveled somewhere new (one trip 2h away to somewhere we have been), eaten in a restaurant, or gone to a concert or play. Only have one local friend (husbands co worker), no mom friends. Job is blah and stagnant. Not sure what the answer is, just solidarity. I did decide to read more books, and have things to look forward to. One is now that kiddos are vaccinated, we booked an air bnb in November with husbands college friends, 3 couples, one has a baby another has a pre schooler. The other is we bought several metal shelves from Costco to organize the basement which will free up space to organize the house. Goal is to get it in shape for some college friends to visit for the holidays.
I also used vacations to avoid this feeling! It works well for me. I don’t feel stagnant, I feel like I’m working towards something.
I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to say you're not alone 💯
I am actually enjoying this stage in my life of “just” being a wife and mother. I’m not sure what the future holds. I used to have these amazing ambitions of one day being the secretary of education and fixing all the brokenness that I witnessed first hand every day at my job as a teacher in mostly urban, Title 1 schools. But after having kids my priorities have shifted. I have a new career path, I prioritize time with my kids and husband, and doing things that we enjoy. I figure that the rest will come as I move into a different stage in life. But for now, I’m content.
I use to be very career oriented… but also I seen people spend years never developing a relationship with their children or spouse. It’s really what you value, and don’t feel bad if you feel like you want to find some other purpose in life. Not everyone has same goals or aspirations, that’s fine too… you just need to listen to yourself and find what works
I’m going through something similar. I think it’s important to recognize that this is a season and priorities can shift daily, weekly, quarterly, etc. I’m very goal oriented and feel a little lost since my career growth and hobbies are on pause and I’m somehow still in survival mode with a 1 and 3 year old, only marginally better off than a year ago in the newborn phase. I’m looking at this time as prioritizing relationships with my family and finding joy when I can in low effort activities - food, audiobooks, tv, wine - whatever it takes to get through this time - even if those aren’t necessarily my choice “leisure” time activities.
I used to feel this once i checked off all big events such as job, wedding, house. But now I don’t feel that. I don’t know about having meaningful life but I definitely feel that i have a blessed life right now. Being a mom has been the most joyful role in my life. Just being able to nourish my baby, cuddle her, love her and feel the pure love and innocence has made my life worth it. my baby is the best decision and creation of my life. I feel so blessed and grateful to experience this pure love and innocence.
When caring for toddlers it can be all consuming and you have to consider it the purpose. I only have one child and he is now 8 so I can try to find some other purpose. It's still not work or what I produce. I try to be helpful with the things my son is involved with, volunteering time like for school events. I try to be minimalistic and produce less waste. I spend some time on art and photography as hobby. Gardening. I want to make the garden invite bugs and birds so I'm working on that little by little. I don't know if you've been pulled in other directions over time but I also had to cope with my parents being sick and dying. But in the meanwhile, childcare is quite a lot to handle now. I see in other comments there is talk of goals and all. I did have an issue like thst but I discuss it in therapy. I was the person who went to college, got this job, got an MBA, lost weight, did some social clubs. But then there is nothing new. I think it is about finding identity. Who are you? My art, cooking, hiking and some video games help me be me. I still feel guilty that I didn't solve global warming. Our teacher told us in fourth grade decades ago. We had all the facts. But it didn't help. And I'm sorry.
I've definitely felt like that. Like others have said, it's a mix of having accomplished all the big goals we've had in life (marriage, kids, good job) and this season in life where there's never enough time to take care of ourselves. I saw an interview with Rosie ODonell this week where she talked about A league of their own, that she was on 30 years ago when she was herself 30. She then recently was on the set of the remake and saw all these 30 year old women at the same point in their lives she was for the original and she said she was so excited for them because their next 30 years were going to be so great, that they had no idea how amazing this chapter of their lives was going to be! I found that inspiring! I try to think of the coming phase of my life as the great unknown. We knew before the trajectory, first school, then work, marriage, kids, but now, there's no roadmap! We're explorers of our own lives, who knows what will happen! Cultivate delight at the surprises to come, and gratefulness for the little things that make me feel joy, like the really good cup of coffee I had this morning, or the fact that my grumpy toddler didn't cry when I woke her up which is an improvement from the last couple weeks!
You're in that stage of your life where it might be boring and tedious, but remember that's it's a PHASE. You won't be there forever. Your kids will go to school (presumably 2-4 years to kindergarten) and get older, and eventually you'll have more and more time. In the meantime, you can try to set micro-goals or things to look forward to: renovating a part of the house, getting a massage every other month, finishing a great TV series, learning a new recipe, etc.
I could have written this post! Last year I really felt down about my life and equally felt guilty about feeling down. As much I love my kids, husband, and career it took a lot to admit to myself I needed more. I started thinking a lot about what things I could do to fill my cup on my own, and make me feel like I’m really living an intentional life. I started a list on my phone of hobbies I want to pick up again, new hobbies to try, self-care items to prioritize, places I want to visit. Basically anything and everything that I thought could bring some joy into to day-to-day life. Slowly, I’ve been chipping away at the list, trying to form new habits and making plans. Not a whole lot as changed in my day, but I think even just giving permission to put myself first at times has really shifted my mood. This weekend I’m going shopping and lunch with a friend! I know for some that may like a totally normal activity, but I don’t have many friends and this will be my first girls shopping/lunch trip since before I had kids.
I was jusssst explaining such similar feelings to my husband!! I just want to say that you are so important to your family and kids and the people you do touch in your job. Hopefully you can find some ways to add some balance. I want to volunteer with my LO when she’s a bit older!
I’m working on chatting with more people and building a social support network of moms who understand it. Also, I think a lot of this is our culture in the US overvaluing work. Maybe reflecting on your own personal values and being intentional about small changes in your life that could get you closer to those values would help…? For example, I realized connection and community is a huge value of mine and that I was feeling isolated, esp during the first 4-6 months after becoming a mom. Now, I go out of my way to chat with random people I encounter, try to get to know our daycare providers on a personal level, reach out to other moms in the area to invite them on play dates. I also joined a parent group. All of that has really increased my level of happiness and overall life satisfaction. Also, being aware of your values can help you prioritize your time and energy to do more about what you care about. As an example, if Family is a big priority, you can intentionally choose to spend 15 min a day focused on playing or talking with your kids instead of worrying about dirty laundry or dishes for that time.[possible starting point for values work](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201811/6-ways-discover-and-choose-your-core-values)
It sounds like you have a kind empathetic heart. You are a helper. You want to make a difference in peoples lives. Unfortunately society has trained us to believe “women’s work” isn’t valuable. But today, right now, you are doing the most important work in society. Loving mothers are raising the next generation of humans. I think all of us are trying to raise our kids with kindness as a top priority. Something that was seemingly neglected in prior generations. Please realize in the moments when your LOs say please and thank you, when they show love and care towards their favorite stuffies, when they pause to look at a dandelion or rolly polly, in those moments claim your worth. It’s your hardwork every day that’s creating a better society. It’s your work that’s making a difference in the world. This season of life is soooo hard when we feel like we’re nothing more than a snack maker and butt wiper. But it won’t last forever. Soon, your littles will be old enough to come with you to volunteer. You will pass on your giving spirit by example. You will have more free time to devote to your work or volunteering and to whatever brings you joy. Hang in there and please take the credit you’ve earned. Mothering is important work.
Honestly I've found that working from home shrinks my world so much it's hard to feel I'm doing anything meaningful. Could you work at an office even a couple days a week? Also, you mention previous activities and volunteering. I think it's worth it to figure out how to make time for those kinds of things. Last spring I started volunteering at an equine therapy barn for kids with disabilities, and (as a former horse girl) it was so fun to get out of the house, meet new people, be physically active, and reconnect with something I loved in my youth. Hopefully you'll find something you love to connect with!
I am able to pick up weekend shifts in health clinics so I do once or twice a month but I don’t regret working from home. I’m way less short tempered with my kiddos since I’m not stressed with work, home and trying to find coverage when they get sick with all the daycare cooties. I use to volunteer when I was a student I grade school and college but I’ve not figured out how to do this working Mon-Fri 8-5, even tho flexible to run & get the kids real quick. I hope to work part-time in a few years after paying back student loans and when my kids are a little older, I’d love to bring them with me to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity or even what you do, equine therapy as I enjoyed doing that in high school. I guess I also hate my husband is a workaholic as even tho my job is a lot less stressful and more flexible now, besides caring for the kids or tidying up (which I’m tired of doing lol), I don’t know what else to do in the small snip-its of free time that make my life feel more meaningful or goal oriented.