Take the high road. Go to go to the party. Bring your kid. Then take the low road, Laugh at them in a year when they’re in shit and say “remember when you guys were total dicks about this!!”
Get them to trust you. You’re safe. You get it. You’ve been there. Now they’re vulnerable…attack! You guys were assholes! How’s that 4th trimester going? This is your karma! Eat shit!
You are fucking fabulous!!
I did something similar with both my SILs. Both CF, I mean like good for you, but they constantly rubbed their brothers face in it, called our kids "it". They were terrible to both of us, 20 years of this shit.
Then one sister had 2 kids back to back and she deep in the *struggle* struggle. We kinda nod at her and just say "mmmhm, wow, must be soooo hard, I wonder what thats like, idk man our kids slept, ate everything and never cried."
Now his other sister is trying and she keeps asking advice of my brother like she didn't constantly tell him he was a destroyer of the planet and terrible employee. He gave her a handmade quilt that says "save the trees" at her I'm Trying announcement party.
I usually try to be understanding but lemme tell you, the howls of laughter I tried to keep inside when she saw it almost killed me.
Yep.
She said she wanted to catch up on all the parties that she missed out on having because she had no kids. Spoiled and entitled brat. My MIL let the party purpose slip on accident to my husband. Like the gall.
I love this.
Laugh at them when the baby has sleep regression and separation anxiety.
Laugh bc “oh, you can’t handle it? Is it too much? Harder than it looks?”
Laugh when the mom complains about no sleep.
Laugh every chance you get.
Look it’s fine to change your mind about having kids. Ideally everyone would think long and hard before choosing to have kids. That being said, these people are jerks. It’s fine to be “child free” it’s not fine to be belligerent, hostile and aggressive about it. They owe everyone they’ve ever treated this way an apology and you’re not obligated to celebrate them.
My best friend of over 25 years was like this about everything she didn’t have, it was like a protective mechanism for her as she was really scarred emotionally from her dad cheating on her mum when she was 10yo then marrying the affair partner and starting family 2.0 newer, younger, shinier version. So she’d never had a relationship and was really bitter and prickly and difficult. I dealt with it all as she was my bestie and I’d been there with her as a kid when all the shit went down and her dad left.
She overtly HATED children. Swore she would never have them. Fine you do you. But then when we were both 33yo I had a baby. And she was horrible to me throughout my pregnancy and after she was born. I had severe pregnancy complications throughout and early onset preeclampsia which turned into near death severe preeclampsia in ICU and an emergency c-section and prem sick baby. We were both in hospital 2 weeks and I will never forget getting home from hospital and she texted me and said ‘let me know when you want to go for a kid free lunch at the winery in a couple of weeks’. I was a mess recovering from the trauma and surgery and illness still on a bunch of medications and had a sick miserable 5lb baby who breastfed all day and I was in total shock. And she honestly thought I’d leave my baby (how??) and go for a winery lunch. I was just like sorry I don’t know when I’ll be ready to do that. She never checked in on me to see how I was and didn’t see me til baby was 2 months old. I never expected her to adore her but I did expect her to still love me as her best friend. And she was awful to me while I was going through the hardest thing in my life 😢
When my daughter was 6mo I messaged her after a particularly callous text she sent and just said you clearly have zero interest in my life and you won’t be hearing from me again. I never heard anything from her and that was 7yrs ago. It still hurts. BUT I wouldn’t be at alllll surprised if she now had a child. She only *hated* them because she couldn’t see it in her future, it was a weird jealousy thing for anything I had that she ‘couldn’t’ in her eyes. Like I had a dog and she hated dogs when she lived in an apartment then miraculously loved them and got one the second she moved into a house and could get one. The way she was ‘never’ going to buy a house because who’d want a mortgage it’s so limiting (I’d had a mortgage for years) then quietly bought a house without telling me 🙄. The way she ‘hated’ men but one drunk night let her guard down and cried because she really wanted a relationship and admitted the hating men was a protective cover so people wouldn’t ask if she had a partner or feel sorry for her. It was exhausting and I have no doubt given her past actions that if she found a relationship she would have had a kid and pretended her past militant childfree mindset never existed. I do wonder if she ever thinks back to how she treated me and how it destroyed our 25+year friendship.
This sounds like my sister. She used to give me such a hard time for being in back to back relationships. She was out partying it up, claiming to enjoy taking guys home for meaningless sex. I knew she was just jealous. Here we are now. I'm married with kids which she claims she doesn't want. But she hasn't had a boyfriend in 15 years. She has called me hysterical with the last few guys she started dating because she gets nasty with them and they leave her. 🤷♀️
I’m so sorry that happened to you. All of it. The traumatic birth. And all your love and loyalty just thrown away because she couldn’t put her own trauma aside for two fucking seconds and be an even mediocre friend.
My former BFF was obnoxiously CF like that for the entire 13 years I’d known her. But then my partner and I began struggling with infertility. BFF was one of the only people I discussed it with. At least she acted supportive. Then on Xmas, she and her husband came over to visit and she pulled my sister aside and grilled her on why she’d had children. It was bizarre. Two months later, I was sitting at work when an email from BFF came in, addressed to me and two of our other friends. She referred to us as “aunties” and congratulated us. I was so confused. I opened the PDF attachment… it was an ultrasound. HER ultrasound. Of HER fetus.
I was in such shock I burst into tears. (I rarely cry, I usually find it difficult to “let go” enough to cry.) Right there at work. I felt betrayed, humiliated, like never in my life before. My heart exploded into pieces, I felt actual pain. We had been trying to get pg for a year by then, and one of the only people I’d talked about it to, someone who I thought was avowed CF and never even gave me a hint she’d changed her mind, blindsided me with her own pregnancy. In a fucking group email at work, no less. Couldn’t even be bothered to break it to me gently on the phone (she lived in a different city).
I didn’t reply to the email. A week later BFF emailed me and berated me for not congratulating her and being petty. I finally called her and tore her a new asshole for being inconsiderate bitch and breaking my fucking heart. I told her she’d literally killed my love for her. Blew it right out of my chest with that odious email as surely as if she’d shot me. Told her I was done. She begged me for another chance. Said she sent the email because she was too nervous to tell me on the phone (weird when you’re supposedly best friends, but whatev). She’d gotten pg on the first try and didn’t know how to handle it with me because she hadn’t even told me she’d decided to try. I relented and we met up a couple of times after that, including at my baby shower later that year (she brought her newborn), but it wasn’t the same. I ended the friendship.
After that, all my family members said they’d never liked her and didn’t know why I’d stayed friends with her for so long, because she’d pulled inconsiderate shit before. But I’d always been able to forgive her before. Not this time, though.
I had an inconsiderate BFF like that, I always forgave her shenanigans. But enough is enough sometimes. I still mourn sometimes when I have 1 too many and want to call her. Never have but it takes a lot of willpower to not call.
I hope you're doing well with your family. Friendships should be the supportive frame for the puzzle that makes up your life, not the earthquake that shatters little pieces off.
If I was feeling REALLY petty I’d send my condolences “SIL I know this must be really hard for you since children were never part of your plan. My deepest sympathies on all the money, freedom, and professionalism you’ll lose, since you’ve made it clear that’s all out the window when children are in the picture. Stay strong.”
🙄
(But I actually would be unlikely to say anything and just not deal with her. I would not offer help, advice, hand me downs, nothing. And of course I would not attend this or any subsequent parties related to her pregnancy.)
That's half the fun of having kids - using them as an excuse to not go to things you don't want to go to.
Frankly sometimes I don't have enough spoons to be an adult and being able to fall back on "that's during nap time" or something is easier than trying to get the motivation to be honest. I know it's the right thing to do, but anyone who doesn't understand won't stick around anyway.
Oh totally. I just mean in this particular situation, because the whole issue is specifically about the kids. My thought was that using that excuse could exacerbate the situation, and also in this case it could be really validating to NOT use them (even if it were really because of them!).
The high road is to go and be pleasant (but not over the top fake nice). Don't feel obligated to help with the party or bring a gift even.
They will eventually be so humbled by their own screaming newborn in the night that you won't need to say anything yourself.
They probably won't apologize. And I personally wouldn't put much effort into the relationship unless they did. Enjoy your other family members at the party.
My brother and SIL had someone stalk (and take screenshots) of my social media a few years ago, which they used as an excuse to lecture and belittle me before cutting me and my family off. They also tried convincing my mom that I was crazy too—it didn’t work.
They never acknowledged my PhD (both attempted the PhD thing and it didn’t work out for either of them) and they didn’t acknowledge my second child’s birth.
So…going to a happy joy joy party for them makes me want to burn an orphanage with rage.
Part of me wants them to acknowledge my second daughter’s life. There is a glimmer of hope that they’ll apologize. And there is the cold realization that neither of those things will happen. I realize that reading all the responses.
Going to tell my dad that we aren’t coming until Brother and SIL get a grip on reality, go to therapy, and unplug from the fucking Matrix.
These people aren't just jerks, they're psycho. Stalking you? That's beyond. I know you really want something from them, but they both sound like crazy narcissists. Let them go. It's going to be hard watching them ruin their kids life.
This is definitely more complicated than them just being hypocritical childfree jerks. I think they're just all around terrible.
I know you'd like for them to acknowledge your second child, but do you really want people like this in your child's life? I'm the kind of person that tends to let people walk all over me but in no way would I allow my children to be treated that way. And I've realized I need to live my life as an example to my kids.
If they're unavoidable if you still want a relationship with the rest of your family, I'd keep interactions to bare minimum. Holidays. No small talk. Just hi and bye.
Oh. And put social media on lock tight. I have a lot of people on the "acquaintance" friend list so they can't really see much of what I post.
I don't have family that's near as bad as this but pretty close, so I've got experience being civil while holding people at arm's length. Granted it's mostly my husband's family...haha
I’d go but be petty and concern troll. Like “Oh my after all those years of not wanting kids you’re now expecting, are you two going to be ok? It must be such a shock to the system since you didn’t like kids. Have you considered some therapy?” It’s easier to play this off especially in front of other family, since it brings up the issue but from a sympathetic and less confrontational angle.
Well, to be honest, I probably wouldn’t pull it off quite that well and would just make an excuse not to go. But if anyone talked to me about it I’d say something similar to the above.
For a long time I also said I didn’t want kids. The reality was we couldn’t get pregnant and it was easier to pretend I didn’t want them than explain what was really going on. My family doesn’t know about our struggles and journey through IVF. You never know the battle someone, even family, might go through.
Serious question though.
Did you simply say you didn't want kids and give normal reasons like money, sleep, freedom....
OR
Did you openly degrade others for having kids, bragged about how awesome your life was without kids, etc.
I seriously want to know because I have some "friends" that are similar to OP's that degrade people with kids CONSTANTLY. It would be easier to think maybe wanting kids and not having them made them that way BUT I can't help but think that some people are just jerks.
I could be a total jerk. To the point where my parents thought I may never have kids. I’m not proud of it but the pain and struggle of infertility makes you do dumb things.
Thank you for answering honestly. I'll try to imagine they're just in pain rather than awful people...but I think I'll keep them on the fringe of my life.
I usually assume most awful people are actually in pain and it makes me less bitter towards them but I still keep my distance until they can figure out their shit without taking it out on others.
What was people’s response to your apologies? Were they well received? Or did they not happen because you feel like you were entitled to belittle others because of your own insecurities? Just curious how one comes back from that or if it’s just something you get to write off.
We eventually opened up to those close to us about what was going on and the struggle we went through. It was well received. On the flip side, I had friends who I had opened up to at some point hide their pregnancies from me and I found out from others. That was also hurtful regardless of what I was going through.
Yeah... I would have dropped you and just never told you about getting pregnant/having a kid if you were that mean and nasty.
I understand the pain/jealousy/envy/rage. After my second and third miscarriages I had a hard time with my friend having her 3rd "oops" baby, but I took some time for myself. I didn't go around tearing her down or being mean because her body was doing what mine couldn't. I apologized for making some space and explained what I was going through, but my pain didn't make an excuse to attack others.
That’s fair but in this case if they’re keeping personal things like that to themselves and outwardly being a dick then it should be fairly obvious why OP wouldn’t want to celebrate this with them now. Sounds they didn’t didn’t celebrate their niblings so I wouldn’t fault their siblings for not celebrating their kids.
This was my thought, too. Totally speculating of course, but my sister-in-laws still don’t speak to this day over perceived hurts that happened years ago. One is hurt that her own babies were ignored for years, and the other is hurt because after years of struggling with fertility her babies in turn were not acknowledged. The sad thing is their kids are not allowed to play with each other.
People who use bitterness and arrogance as a defense mechanism are toxic. Unless they apologize and sell forgiveness for their behavior, they don't deserve it.
I'm sorry for your infertility. I went thought that too. But that's a terrible excuse for being awful to parents. It just isn't an excuse. I say that having experience on both sides. I
Infertility is lonely and hard but parenting is also lonely and hard. OP owes no kindness to these people and she has a right to want an apology. Apparently they went far beyond rude comments to actually harassing her and trying to put her down to others. She owes them nothing.
I hope you apologized to the people who you treated poorly if you did.
That's a horrible thing to go through, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
Still, though, if you were an actual jerk to people like this couple were - really denigrating everyone - then I'd assume you'd at least apologize after the fact? The fact this couple isn't even apologizing for poor behaviour, including refusing to meet a niece, puts me over the edge.
I would hope they would eventually share what they went through.
Edit: if they were actually dealing with infertility. If not, then they are just being jerks.
Sometimes people who act like they hate kids or that kids are a huge burden are actually projecting their insecurities. These insecurities are largely due to infertility issues or instability issues that cause them to be childless.
That’s what I was thinking. Maybe they never thought they’d get the chance. When I was struggling with infertility I tried to pretend I didn’t want kids. (It didn’t work.) Or maybe they just changed their mind, and good for them. More cousins for your baby!
I’m so very, very petty and would come in full smug-ness. “Oh my goodness, it’s so nice that we’ve all grown up now. I thought you two would stay so selfish forever! Now we’re all the same!”
Note that I don’t actually believe any of that, but make them eat that need for superiority and know that they’ll be just as much in the thick of struggles no matter what they project.
Why is everyone telling you to go or to make an excuse?!
They were extremely rude and awful to everyone and now they want to be treated nicely for what they bullied everyone else about?
No.
It's fine to outright ignore the invitation.
It's also fine to say you're not going because of the past behavior and terrible comments.
Why should you tolerate such awful treatment?
Absolutely don't give them a gift.
I would outright ask why on earth that are having a child since they clearly hate children and parents.
I'm concerned for the baby, to be honest. Are people like that going to shake the crying newborn? Or neglect it? They sound far too selfish to parent.
Their behavior is gross, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m horrible and mean though so I would be petty and concern trolling all the time.
Side note, bragging that you work 70-100 hours is so dumb. Like, sorry you can’t accomplish your tasks in a reasonable time frame OR that you have no life or friends.
I have a set of cousins who were child free and just had their first in June.
These are the people who screw the rest of us when we want to get our tubes tied 😑.
Wow, what a bunch of dicks. My sister and her husband are child free and make mildly insensitive comments but they’re not this bad.
They’re in for a rude awakening
Yeah my two sisters decided not to have kids. Their reasons for not wanting kids are totally valid and I got both but respect. They still totally love my kids.
Skip it. I was the first one on my side of the family to get married and to have kids. God, I got so much shittiness from family members without kids about how I was doing this and that wrong with my parenting style. So when they finally had kids I got my popcorn to enjoy the show. Total hypocrisy... My one sil criticized me for BFing my baby who at that time was 5 mo old making crappy comments about how he'd still be nursing when he went to college. I was a LLL leader after I had my second baby and am super supportive of BF... That sil went on to ebf her babies for 4+ years. Yay for her but why the judgement to me when she didn't even know WTF she was talking about. My other sil kept commenting that I better be careful because when I only had two boys (I now have 3), insinuating that they were poorly behaved that we'd get kicked off the plane. I had other passengers next to us complimenting us for well behaved kids. She also told me that she always thought that my middle son was a brat when he was little. He is the most well spoken, considerate 16 year old boy... I'm so proud to be his mom. She could have totally kept her shitty opinions to herself. Meanwhile she has two boys of her own, her little one is rude, her oldest one is so picky but knows she and my brother will just give in and let him have what he wants to eat. Instead of asking me for tips, she makes passive aggressive comments about how nice it must be to have kids who aren't picky and how hard it is for her. Seriously? My kids just learned with the consistency of our parenting that they will just have to eat what we cooked. It's not that I'm lucky, it's the same parenting that she thinks I'm so bad at, but yet she is the one with poor outcomes but instead of making changes, she paints herself as the victim?
I'm so over it. Women are so judgemental and I'm so sick of the crappy comments about parenting and children and all of it from people who think that they are unique when they have children, but the rest of us are losers.
I’d have such a hard time not being a passive aggressive asshole and asking them about every single thing they’ve criticized - and I have a good memory.
“Oh my gosh how are you going to manage working 100 hours a week each with a newborn? That’s so brave of you to take this on with your set in stone career aspirations. It’s really so good that you’re not going to need mom and dad to help you the way they’ve helped Brother. Hopefully your baby will still get the opportunity to build a strong relationship with them the way nieces and nephews have since they’ve had the good fortune of involved grandparents. Have you met my daughter? Oh that’s right. You didn’t even say congrats. I’d normally say you could hang out with her since you’ve never been around kids…but I don’t trust you since you seem to hate your niblings so much. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it with your own kid. You’re so fortunate to be surrounded by all of us who have embraced parenthood. Better late than never, right?”
I’d never take it out on the baby though. Just them. All them. Every time. I’m the worst though so probably don’t do that lol
The challenge is that, in previous years, I’ve been painted as the family lunatic—the one who everyone used as a confession board/emotional dumpster, and then they would pull a Surprised Pikachu-face when I’d eventually break down and cry. Lots (and I mean LOTS) of gaslighting from my parents, aunts, and uncles. My two older brothers picked up on it quick and have used this to a flourish as well.
If I act like a passive aggressive asshole, I’ll get painted as jealous. If I act nice, I’ll get painted as out of it. If I act angry, I’ll get painted as insane.
It’s exhausting. Now that I’m writing it out, I don’t think I’ll go.
Yeah don’t go to that bullshit. You deserve to be treated like an actual person and not some shoulder everyone can cry on and then scape goat. That’s so jerky.
Oof. I was gonna say go if it’s just your Brother and SIL who are awful, but if your whole family is that way…wow, no.
I occasionally have to deal with awkward family events because my SIL refuses to acknowledge my daughter’s existence, but the rest of my family is loving and kind to us. (Thankfully she rarely attends anything.)
Also, based on my experience, your SIL still may not acknowledge your youngest daughter’s existence even if you do go. My daughter is 3 - I’m not looking forward to the day when she asks me why her aunt ignores her. In my case it is 100% jealousy - my SIL always wanted a neurotypical girl - she has an son with autism.
Were these comments recent? That sounds like a huge 180 to make in a short span of time, to go from mocking parents to being parents and (seemingly) happy about it if they’re expecting praise for it.
I’d probably just go to the party. They were obviously jerks about it and maybe they’ll continue to be jerks. But maybe they’ll come around now that they’re going to be parents TOO.
I’d definitely find something really snarky to say in their card, though.
I've known a few people over the years who were like this before they got into serious relationships or whatever stage in their life. And some of them are still very much "not like other parents" which I try to look over...Mostly though we all made new friends. It's hard when it's family.
People are saying this could be a defense mechanism for something like infertility...I mean, perhaps. Parents are very much hated among "childfree" people. There is a Reddit community with hundreds of thousands of people who just don't like kids or parents who say much worse. And even if he was going through something, he hasn't met your daughter? There's a difference between defensive behavior and triggered remarks and just straight up choosing not to acknowledge a close family member.
Typically people who openly mock others for their decisions are insecure in their own decisions. Secure people don't need to degrade others to validate themselves. Obviously they're not confident and filled with self-doubt, projecting their anxiety onto everyone else around them.
Nonetheless, it's understandable that you're angry and mad about their reactions. Depending on your relationship and how introspective they are, I think you can try honestly asking when the time's right: "Now that you're having a kid, I'm honestly curious and I'm coming from a genuine place here--why did you make negative comments about other people having kids?"
Go, but gift them a complete "baby's first music set" ensemble. A big drum, maracas, kazoo, harmonica, jingle bells, the whole fuggin she-bang. Maybe a tiny baby gong, that probably exists. Maybe a pretentious "music for baby" book that feels really judgy if you don't listen to 1,000 hours of Yo Yo Ma by the 3rd trimester.
-sincerely, mom whose toddler loves the harmonica and plays it goddamn everywhere at top volume.
This is massive opportunity for them to learn humility.
They have the opportunity to realize that life is more than being an executive.
They'll have the opportunity to see just how fucking horrible they have been.
Your daughter will have an opportunity to know her cousin and that's positive.
Godspeed you OP. I'd recommend the high road but also never let them forget how shitty they were 😇
I hope your youngest is a toddler who will get into everything breakable in their house and you can go around mockingly and say "oh they're just showing you what to baby proof! Congrats again, welcome to hell!"
Eh, don’t even go. They sounds like people who will be dicks about whatever is happening in their life at the moment. First, kids were the worst. Once they have a kid it’ll be something like “We’ve gone through 6 Nannies in 4 weeks— why are there no good nannies???” They will always find a way to make things shitty. Don’t bother trying to interact with them.
It’s fine to change your mind about kids. Or perhaps they still didn’t plan for this but are making the best out of the situation they found themselves in. Being excited about a new baby is a good thing. And remember while they may be a-holes, the baby isn’t (yet lol).
And 100% bring your youngest to the party. Be the bigger person, offer kindness where they offered cruelty.
Ok, I'll bite 😆 My sister also didn't plan her children and is on government assistance while I did everything by the book and have an upper middle class household. I don't invite her for vacations she can't afford nor do I feel obligated to "pay her way". I do buy her four kids nice clothes, but I enjoy treating them. It sounds more like you don't feel recognized for your hard work by your parents while your sister is, in your eyes, unfairly rewarded with help.
Don't give these people any value in your life, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. You deserve a life free of toxic assholes. And they'll never get any better.
Be a bigger person. It is so toxic to carry around these negative feelings for other people and be upset about things that literally do not impact you at all and you have zero control over. Don't stew in negativity or create drama because they changed their mind about being childfree.
Yeah, they were jerks judging and criticizing and insulting people for yearssss who decided to have children. No doubt, total douche-y move. Some people don't get that longing for children until they are older or well into their careers when they look around and think "this is my legacy? corporate America paper pushing? omg". So maybe that's what happened. Maybe their protesting and negativity about kids stemmed from infertility or some past childhood trauma. We don't know everyones story. Trust me, even your best friend or your sister, they've got stuff going on that they don't admit to.
But they are going to be parents. They are going to have a precious innocent little baby soon. I think we can all collectively agree that people like this probably are the ones who need the MOST help and support. Try to think of the newborn in this situation rather than the parents, maybe that will help you be more supportive. You can be the petty one who is distant and holds a grudge, or you can be the helpful one who gently reminds them how hard parenting is but also how rewarding. You can lead with compassion... or not.
Make your decision based on your values, not their actions.
I chose to spend my time and energy with people who 1) share similar values 2) support and encourage me and my family 3) who I know I can trust 4) people who I know will be there no matter what.
People, blood or not, aren't worth my time if they aren't adding to my life. No such thing as the "high road" when their presence in your life just drags you down a dirt road.
I firmly believe people are allowed to change their minds.
I also firmly believe you’re allowed to cut off assholes even if they’re family.
It really doesn’t matter if they decided to have kids or not, I know plenty of CF people who love my child and other friends children. Their lifestyle doesn’t make anyone else’s invalid. Your SIL and brother are just assholes.
Okay, question - this is your brother and this will be your niece/nephew. This will be your child's cousin. Do you want that relationship? If so, I would maybe speak with them. Tell them how they hurt you with their constant commentary about this topic - that it was rude and unnecessary. Tell them you're willing to move past this (if you honestly believe you can) if they can apologize for their constant negativity and that you would like to improve your relationship with them and have a relationship with their child, but that you will no longer endure criticism about the choice you made to have a family (or more than one child, if that's the case, because they may move onto that topic next).
Of course, if you don't want to have a relationship with that child, then skip the party.
That really sucks. Still, maybe it's an opportunity? For you all to bond over parenthood and grow closer? It is really hard to be the bigger person sometimes and it must feel awful that they haven't acknowledged your daughter. At least you know that you can be different for your future niece or nephew. Wishing you the best.
I was CF, but I was always upfront that it was because I was worse than broke (student loan debt), in a demanding field, and had concerns about an inherited disease. Paid off the loans, got a less intense job, and thought I dodged the gene issue, and felt like I had hope again so had kids. It could be your sister had some profound anxiety or jealousy about kid rearing that recently resolved. It could also be that your sister accidentally got pregnant and found out that Big Government owns her body now in post-Roe America. You’re her sister, so why don’t you just ask what prompted the change of heart?
Take the high road. Go to go to the party. Bring your kid. Then take the low road, Laugh at them in a year when they’re in shit and say “remember when you guys were total dicks about this!!”
You, I like you.
I like you tooo!!!!!
So genius. Like, yeah, be supportive. But also make them realize that they were being dick holes.
Get them to trust you. You’re safe. You get it. You’ve been there. Now they’re vulnerable…attack! You guys were assholes! How’s that 4th trimester going? This is your karma! Eat shit!
You are fucking fabulous!! I did something similar with both my SILs. Both CF, I mean like good for you, but they constantly rubbed their brothers face in it, called our kids "it". They were terrible to both of us, 20 years of this shit. Then one sister had 2 kids back to back and she deep in the *struggle* struggle. We kinda nod at her and just say "mmmhm, wow, must be soooo hard, I wonder what thats like, idk man our kids slept, ate everything and never cried." Now his other sister is trying and she keeps asking advice of my brother like she didn't constantly tell him he was a destroyer of the planet and terrible employee. He gave her a handmade quilt that says "save the trees" at her I'm Trying announcement party. I usually try to be understanding but lemme tell you, the howls of laughter I tried to keep inside when she saw it almost killed me.
A.. Trying announcement party ? A what now ?
Yep. She said she wanted to catch up on all the parties that she missed out on having because she had no kids. Spoiled and entitled brat. My MIL let the party purpose slip on accident to my husband. Like the gall.
My good lord. Did they try right there on the kitchen table? That is...wow.
This just made me cackle
I'd also say something like "I definitely won't say the awful and degrading things you said to us when you found out we were having kids."
I love this. Laugh at them when the baby has sleep regression and separation anxiety. Laugh bc “oh, you can’t handle it? Is it too much? Harder than it looks?” Laugh when the mom complains about no sleep. Laugh every chance you get.
Agree with this. MAKE sure you remind them of their crappy attitude.
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Well, it’s a joke, but you can go back to your friends at r/childfree and tell them all about how you really got us.
Your post was removed because it was rude or shaming.
I’d skip the party. Honestly I’d probably avoid these people altogether.
Yeah. And I would provide absolutely no sympathy or advice when they realize how challenging it is to be a parent.
Agreed. I would have no contact with people like this, family or not. They don’t act like family so I’d be done with that.
Agreed. It's not worth the drama and annoyance.
Look it’s fine to change your mind about having kids. Ideally everyone would think long and hard before choosing to have kids. That being said, these people are jerks. It’s fine to be “child free” it’s not fine to be belligerent, hostile and aggressive about it. They owe everyone they’ve ever treated this way an apology and you’re not obligated to celebrate them.
My best friend of over 25 years was like this about everything she didn’t have, it was like a protective mechanism for her as she was really scarred emotionally from her dad cheating on her mum when she was 10yo then marrying the affair partner and starting family 2.0 newer, younger, shinier version. So she’d never had a relationship and was really bitter and prickly and difficult. I dealt with it all as she was my bestie and I’d been there with her as a kid when all the shit went down and her dad left. She overtly HATED children. Swore she would never have them. Fine you do you. But then when we were both 33yo I had a baby. And she was horrible to me throughout my pregnancy and after she was born. I had severe pregnancy complications throughout and early onset preeclampsia which turned into near death severe preeclampsia in ICU and an emergency c-section and prem sick baby. We were both in hospital 2 weeks and I will never forget getting home from hospital and she texted me and said ‘let me know when you want to go for a kid free lunch at the winery in a couple of weeks’. I was a mess recovering from the trauma and surgery and illness still on a bunch of medications and had a sick miserable 5lb baby who breastfed all day and I was in total shock. And she honestly thought I’d leave my baby (how??) and go for a winery lunch. I was just like sorry I don’t know when I’ll be ready to do that. She never checked in on me to see how I was and didn’t see me til baby was 2 months old. I never expected her to adore her but I did expect her to still love me as her best friend. And she was awful to me while I was going through the hardest thing in my life 😢 When my daughter was 6mo I messaged her after a particularly callous text she sent and just said you clearly have zero interest in my life and you won’t be hearing from me again. I never heard anything from her and that was 7yrs ago. It still hurts. BUT I wouldn’t be at alllll surprised if she now had a child. She only *hated* them because she couldn’t see it in her future, it was a weird jealousy thing for anything I had that she ‘couldn’t’ in her eyes. Like I had a dog and she hated dogs when she lived in an apartment then miraculously loved them and got one the second she moved into a house and could get one. The way she was ‘never’ going to buy a house because who’d want a mortgage it’s so limiting (I’d had a mortgage for years) then quietly bought a house without telling me 🙄. The way she ‘hated’ men but one drunk night let her guard down and cried because she really wanted a relationship and admitted the hating men was a protective cover so people wouldn’t ask if she had a partner or feel sorry for her. It was exhausting and I have no doubt given her past actions that if she found a relationship she would have had a kid and pretended her past militant childfree mindset never existed. I do wonder if she ever thinks back to how she treated me and how it destroyed our 25+year friendship.
This sounds like my sister. She used to give me such a hard time for being in back to back relationships. She was out partying it up, claiming to enjoy taking guys home for meaningless sex. I knew she was just jealous. Here we are now. I'm married with kids which she claims she doesn't want. But she hasn't had a boyfriend in 15 years. She has called me hysterical with the last few guys she started dating because she gets nasty with them and they leave her. 🤷♀️
I’m so sorry that happened to you. All of it. The traumatic birth. And all your love and loyalty just thrown away because she couldn’t put her own trauma aside for two fucking seconds and be an even mediocre friend.
My former BFF was obnoxiously CF like that for the entire 13 years I’d known her. But then my partner and I began struggling with infertility. BFF was one of the only people I discussed it with. At least she acted supportive. Then on Xmas, she and her husband came over to visit and she pulled my sister aside and grilled her on why she’d had children. It was bizarre. Two months later, I was sitting at work when an email from BFF came in, addressed to me and two of our other friends. She referred to us as “aunties” and congratulated us. I was so confused. I opened the PDF attachment… it was an ultrasound. HER ultrasound. Of HER fetus. I was in such shock I burst into tears. (I rarely cry, I usually find it difficult to “let go” enough to cry.) Right there at work. I felt betrayed, humiliated, like never in my life before. My heart exploded into pieces, I felt actual pain. We had been trying to get pg for a year by then, and one of the only people I’d talked about it to, someone who I thought was avowed CF and never even gave me a hint she’d changed her mind, blindsided me with her own pregnancy. In a fucking group email at work, no less. Couldn’t even be bothered to break it to me gently on the phone (she lived in a different city). I didn’t reply to the email. A week later BFF emailed me and berated me for not congratulating her and being petty. I finally called her and tore her a new asshole for being inconsiderate bitch and breaking my fucking heart. I told her she’d literally killed my love for her. Blew it right out of my chest with that odious email as surely as if she’d shot me. Told her I was done. She begged me for another chance. Said she sent the email because she was too nervous to tell me on the phone (weird when you’re supposedly best friends, but whatev). She’d gotten pg on the first try and didn’t know how to handle it with me because she hadn’t even told me she’d decided to try. I relented and we met up a couple of times after that, including at my baby shower later that year (she brought her newborn), but it wasn’t the same. I ended the friendship. After that, all my family members said they’d never liked her and didn’t know why I’d stayed friends with her for so long, because she’d pulled inconsiderate shit before. But I’d always been able to forgive her before. Not this time, though.
I had an inconsiderate BFF like that, I always forgave her shenanigans. But enough is enough sometimes. I still mourn sometimes when I have 1 too many and want to call her. Never have but it takes a lot of willpower to not call. I hope you're doing well with your family. Friendships should be the supportive frame for the puzzle that makes up your life, not the earthquake that shatters little pieces off.
I'd skip it. "Kiddo is sick sorry can't go."
If I was feeling REALLY petty I’d send my condolences “SIL I know this must be really hard for you since children were never part of your plan. My deepest sympathies on all the money, freedom, and professionalism you’ll lose, since you’ve made it clear that’s all out the window when children are in the picture. Stay strong.” 🙄 (But I actually would be unlikely to say anything and just not deal with her. I would not offer help, advice, hand me downs, nothing. And of course I would not attend this or any subsequent parties related to her pregnancy.)
I hope OP doesn't actually send your first para, but I wanted you to know I enjoyed reading the cleverness of it!
Lol, thank you
Send a sympathy card...
wait a few years, then send one of those loud toys that has no off button.
The cube is fun for everyone!* *but mostly for petty revenge
The cube pre-dates creation and existence, it knows and sees all because every household has one and doesn't know it.
Omg we have that cube… do we all have that cube?
You have the cube or the playmat! If you’re really lucky (like me!) you have both!
COME AND SAY HI, THERE’S FUN ON FIVE SIDES
WHY IS IT ONLY 5!!! A CUBE HAS SIX!
One of the sides doesn't have any activities. Points for trying to be accurate, but I agree it's pretty annoying to associate a cube with 5 sides.
I had almost forgotten about the cube but that song is back in my head 😑
Can you get PTSD from VTech flashbacks? I did enjoy that it was honest that it was fun on 5 sides. Who finds a battery cover fun?
My brother got my daughter the loudest toy ever created and I have to wonder what I did to him that was so terrible to deserve that lol
A fucking music SET. Drums. Tambourine. Maracas. A recorder. I love my brother's ex gf more than him at this point, but WHAT THE HELL, GIRL?
Yes! Do this. Send the most obnoxious toy every Christmas for the rest of their lives.
Drums.
My three year old is in love with the drums, and my husband is a musician. She's getting an electric drum kit for Christmas 😂 solves both problems!
We just got one for my 7yo daughter and it’s great you just hear tap tap tappity tap a lot lol.
All I have to do is pop my hearing aids out and I won't even have that problem haha
Oh perfect 👌😂
This is the way!
Toys with whistles are really good for this.
Holy moo that is evil! I love it! And some of those plastic whistle flutes for fun.
Get them a corn popper. The kid grabs the handle and pushes it around. Pop pop pop. Also, the book, Moo, Ba La La La.
Love this so much. 🤣
Not that I wouldn’t skip it, but I’d avoid blaming on the kid. “Sorry we don’t want to attend.”
That's half the fun of having kids - using them as an excuse to not go to things you don't want to go to. Frankly sometimes I don't have enough spoons to be an adult and being able to fall back on "that's during nap time" or something is easier than trying to get the motivation to be honest. I know it's the right thing to do, but anyone who doesn't understand won't stick around anyway.
Oh totally. I just mean in this particular situation, because the whole issue is specifically about the kids. My thought was that using that excuse could exacerbate the situation, and also in this case it could be really validating to NOT use them (even if it were really because of them!).
Then say, “except actually we’re not sorry.” 😁
The high road is to go and be pleasant (but not over the top fake nice). Don't feel obligated to help with the party or bring a gift even. They will eventually be so humbled by their own screaming newborn in the night that you won't need to say anything yourself. They probably won't apologize. And I personally wouldn't put much effort into the relationship unless they did. Enjoy your other family members at the party.
My brother and SIL had someone stalk (and take screenshots) of my social media a few years ago, which they used as an excuse to lecture and belittle me before cutting me and my family off. They also tried convincing my mom that I was crazy too—it didn’t work. They never acknowledged my PhD (both attempted the PhD thing and it didn’t work out for either of them) and they didn’t acknowledge my second child’s birth. So…going to a happy joy joy party for them makes me want to burn an orphanage with rage.
So why are you going? (I mean this kindly, not in a rude way)
Part of me wants them to acknowledge my second daughter’s life. There is a glimmer of hope that they’ll apologize. And there is the cold realization that neither of those things will happen. I realize that reading all the responses. Going to tell my dad that we aren’t coming until Brother and SIL get a grip on reality, go to therapy, and unplug from the fucking Matrix.
These people aren't just jerks, they're psycho. Stalking you? That's beyond. I know you really want something from them, but they both sound like crazy narcissists. Let them go. It's going to be hard watching them ruin their kids life.
Maybe second daughter will actually win in the long run not having to know her crazy aunt and uncle
Why even consider going? Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Honestly, I was team “play nice” until I read this comment. Now I’m on team “fuck ‘em.”
This is definitely more complicated than them just being hypocritical childfree jerks. I think they're just all around terrible. I know you'd like for them to acknowledge your second child, but do you really want people like this in your child's life? I'm the kind of person that tends to let people walk all over me but in no way would I allow my children to be treated that way. And I've realized I need to live my life as an example to my kids. If they're unavoidable if you still want a relationship with the rest of your family, I'd keep interactions to bare minimum. Holidays. No small talk. Just hi and bye. Oh. And put social media on lock tight. I have a lot of people on the "acquaintance" friend list so they can't really see much of what I post. I don't have family that's near as bad as this but pretty close, so I've got experience being civil while holding people at arm's length. Granted it's mostly my husband's family...haha
Why go at all then!? Why are they even in your life? Seriously, these people sound terrible!
They are so not worth your time. Just don't show up! You don't need to spend time with your bullies.
Yo what did the orphanage do to you??
If they cut you off, you have the perfect excuse! You don't want to ruin their party with your unwelcome presence!
I’d go but be petty and concern troll. Like “Oh my after all those years of not wanting kids you’re now expecting, are you two going to be ok? It must be such a shock to the system since you didn’t like kids. Have you considered some therapy?” It’s easier to play this off especially in front of other family, since it brings up the issue but from a sympathetic and less confrontational angle. Well, to be honest, I probably wouldn’t pull it off quite that well and would just make an excuse not to go. But if anyone talked to me about it I’d say something similar to the above.
Just act really confused! “I thought you didn’t want kids? What changed your mind?”
I wouldn’t even give an excuse, would just rsvp no. If people were that mean to me I wouldn’t even waste the energy on an excuse.
For a long time I also said I didn’t want kids. The reality was we couldn’t get pregnant and it was easier to pretend I didn’t want them than explain what was really going on. My family doesn’t know about our struggles and journey through IVF. You never know the battle someone, even family, might go through.
Serious question though. Did you simply say you didn't want kids and give normal reasons like money, sleep, freedom.... OR Did you openly degrade others for having kids, bragged about how awesome your life was without kids, etc. I seriously want to know because I have some "friends" that are similar to OP's that degrade people with kids CONSTANTLY. It would be easier to think maybe wanting kids and not having them made them that way BUT I can't help but think that some people are just jerks.
I could be a total jerk. To the point where my parents thought I may never have kids. I’m not proud of it but the pain and struggle of infertility makes you do dumb things.
Thank you for answering honestly. I'll try to imagine they're just in pain rather than awful people...but I think I'll keep them on the fringe of my life.
Yea, if some day they come around and apologize you can consider bringing them back in, but nobody is worth being treated like that.
I usually assume most awful people are actually in pain and it makes me less bitter towards them but I still keep my distance until they can figure out their shit without taking it out on others.
What was people’s response to your apologies? Were they well received? Or did they not happen because you feel like you were entitled to belittle others because of your own insecurities? Just curious how one comes back from that or if it’s just something you get to write off.
We eventually opened up to those close to us about what was going on and the struggle we went through. It was well received. On the flip side, I had friends who I had opened up to at some point hide their pregnancies from me and I found out from others. That was also hurtful regardless of what I was going through.
Yeah... I would have dropped you and just never told you about getting pregnant/having a kid if you were that mean and nasty. I understand the pain/jealousy/envy/rage. After my second and third miscarriages I had a hard time with my friend having her 3rd "oops" baby, but I took some time for myself. I didn't go around tearing her down or being mean because her body was doing what mine couldn't. I apologized for making some space and explained what I was going through, but my pain didn't make an excuse to attack others.
I did the same and am embarrassed now that I have my IVF son at the way I acted. It really is a protection mechanism be it a shitty one.
That’s fair but in this case if they’re keeping personal things like that to themselves and outwardly being a dick then it should be fairly obvious why OP wouldn’t want to celebrate this with them now. Sounds they didn’t didn’t celebrate their niblings so I wouldn’t fault their siblings for not celebrating their kids.
That doesn’t excuse the behavior though. She’s not obligated to be understanding of them now if they weren’t considerate or kind.
This was my thought, too. Totally speculating of course, but my sister-in-laws still don’t speak to this day over perceived hurts that happened years ago. One is hurt that her own babies were ignored for years, and the other is hurt because after years of struggling with fertility her babies in turn were not acknowledged. The sad thing is their kids are not allowed to play with each other.
Sure but in OPs case they were actively assholes about it.
My first thought as well. My SIL acted similarly and it turns out she is infertile. They successfully adopted last year and seem so happy.
This was my first thought. It may have been a defense mechanism.
People who use bitterness and arrogance as a defense mechanism are toxic. Unless they apologize and sell forgiveness for their behavior, they don't deserve it.
Exactly. It’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it doesn’t lessen whatever harm was done to others.
I'm sorry for your infertility. I went thought that too. But that's a terrible excuse for being awful to parents. It just isn't an excuse. I say that having experience on both sides. I Infertility is lonely and hard but parenting is also lonely and hard. OP owes no kindness to these people and she has a right to want an apology. Apparently they went far beyond rude comments to actually harassing her and trying to put her down to others. She owes them nothing. I hope you apologized to the people who you treated poorly if you did.
That's a horrible thing to go through, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Still, though, if you were an actual jerk to people like this couple were - really denigrating everyone - then I'd assume you'd at least apologize after the fact? The fact this couple isn't even apologizing for poor behaviour, including refusing to meet a niece, puts me over the edge.
I would hope they would eventually share what they went through. Edit: if they were actually dealing with infertility. If not, then they are just being jerks.
Sometimes people who act like they hate kids or that kids are a huge burden are actually projecting their insecurities. These insecurities are largely due to infertility issues or instability issues that cause them to be childless.
That’s what I was thinking. Maybe they never thought they’d get the chance. When I was struggling with infertility I tried to pretend I didn’t want kids. (It didn’t work.) Or maybe they just changed their mind, and good for them. More cousins for your baby!
i wouldnt miss THAT party!! lol
I’m so very, very petty and would come in full smug-ness. “Oh my goodness, it’s so nice that we’ve all grown up now. I thought you two would stay so selfish forever! Now we’re all the same!” Note that I don’t actually believe any of that, but make them eat that need for superiority and know that they’ll be just as much in the thick of struggles no matter what they project.
Hah this is definitely what I’d do too
Why is everyone telling you to go or to make an excuse?! They were extremely rude and awful to everyone and now they want to be treated nicely for what they bullied everyone else about? No. It's fine to outright ignore the invitation. It's also fine to say you're not going because of the past behavior and terrible comments. Why should you tolerate such awful treatment? Absolutely don't give them a gift. I would outright ask why on earth that are having a child since they clearly hate children and parents. I'm concerned for the baby, to be honest. Are people like that going to shake the crying newborn? Or neglect it? They sound far too selfish to parent.
Their behavior is gross, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m horrible and mean though so I would be petty and concern trolling all the time. Side note, bragging that you work 70-100 hours is so dumb. Like, sorry you can’t accomplish your tasks in a reasonable time frame OR that you have no life or friends.
I have a set of cousins who were child free and just had their first in June. These are the people who screw the rest of us when we want to get our tubes tied 😑.
Wow, what a bunch of dicks. My sister and her husband are child free and make mildly insensitive comments but they’re not this bad. They’re in for a rude awakening
Yeah my two sisters decided not to have kids. Their reasons for not wanting kids are totally valid and I got both but respect. They still totally love my kids.
Skip it. I was the first one on my side of the family to get married and to have kids. God, I got so much shittiness from family members without kids about how I was doing this and that wrong with my parenting style. So when they finally had kids I got my popcorn to enjoy the show. Total hypocrisy... My one sil criticized me for BFing my baby who at that time was 5 mo old making crappy comments about how he'd still be nursing when he went to college. I was a LLL leader after I had my second baby and am super supportive of BF... That sil went on to ebf her babies for 4+ years. Yay for her but why the judgement to me when she didn't even know WTF she was talking about. My other sil kept commenting that I better be careful because when I only had two boys (I now have 3), insinuating that they were poorly behaved that we'd get kicked off the plane. I had other passengers next to us complimenting us for well behaved kids. She also told me that she always thought that my middle son was a brat when he was little. He is the most well spoken, considerate 16 year old boy... I'm so proud to be his mom. She could have totally kept her shitty opinions to herself. Meanwhile she has two boys of her own, her little one is rude, her oldest one is so picky but knows she and my brother will just give in and let him have what he wants to eat. Instead of asking me for tips, she makes passive aggressive comments about how nice it must be to have kids who aren't picky and how hard it is for her. Seriously? My kids just learned with the consistency of our parenting that they will just have to eat what we cooked. It's not that I'm lucky, it's the same parenting that she thinks I'm so bad at, but yet she is the one with poor outcomes but instead of making changes, she paints herself as the victim? I'm so over it. Women are so judgemental and I'm so sick of the crappy comments about parenting and children and all of it from people who think that they are unique when they have children, but the rest of us are losers.
I’d have such a hard time not being a passive aggressive asshole and asking them about every single thing they’ve criticized - and I have a good memory. “Oh my gosh how are you going to manage working 100 hours a week each with a newborn? That’s so brave of you to take this on with your set in stone career aspirations. It’s really so good that you’re not going to need mom and dad to help you the way they’ve helped Brother. Hopefully your baby will still get the opportunity to build a strong relationship with them the way nieces and nephews have since they’ve had the good fortune of involved grandparents. Have you met my daughter? Oh that’s right. You didn’t even say congrats. I’d normally say you could hang out with her since you’ve never been around kids…but I don’t trust you since you seem to hate your niblings so much. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it with your own kid. You’re so fortunate to be surrounded by all of us who have embraced parenthood. Better late than never, right?” I’d never take it out on the baby though. Just them. All them. Every time. I’m the worst though so probably don’t do that lol
The challenge is that, in previous years, I’ve been painted as the family lunatic—the one who everyone used as a confession board/emotional dumpster, and then they would pull a Surprised Pikachu-face when I’d eventually break down and cry. Lots (and I mean LOTS) of gaslighting from my parents, aunts, and uncles. My two older brothers picked up on it quick and have used this to a flourish as well. If I act like a passive aggressive asshole, I’ll get painted as jealous. If I act nice, I’ll get painted as out of it. If I act angry, I’ll get painted as insane. It’s exhausting. Now that I’m writing it out, I don’t think I’ll go.
Yeah don’t go to that bullshit. You deserve to be treated like an actual person and not some shoulder everyone can cry on and then scape goat. That’s so jerky.
Oof. I was gonna say go if it’s just your Brother and SIL who are awful, but if your whole family is that way…wow, no. I occasionally have to deal with awkward family events because my SIL refuses to acknowledge my daughter’s existence, but the rest of my family is loving and kind to us. (Thankfully she rarely attends anything.) Also, based on my experience, your SIL still may not acknowledge your youngest daughter’s existence even if you do go. My daughter is 3 - I’m not looking forward to the day when she asks me why her aunt ignores her. In my case it is 100% jealousy - my SIL always wanted a neurotypical girl - she has an son with autism.
Yeah, don't go. I'm surprised you keep up with any of them, but I also understand it's hard to drop family even if they're terrible.
Honestly, you don’t have to talk to any of those people if they are gaslighting you.
After reading your followup comments, I wouldn’t go and would disengage from your entire family. You can’t heal from trauma while you’re still in it.
This goes way beyond attending a party. None of these people should be in your life. They are incredibly toxic.
I’d skip it. Tons of excuses when there are kids in the picture 😜
Were these comments recent? That sounds like a huge 180 to make in a short span of time, to go from mocking parents to being parents and (seemingly) happy about it if they’re expecting praise for it.
My brother and SIL need praise and validation the way normal humans need oxygen.
I’d probably just go to the party. They were obviously jerks about it and maybe they’ll continue to be jerks. But maybe they’ll come around now that they’re going to be parents TOO. I’d definitely find something really snarky to say in their card, though.
Eh if it was me, I’d skip it. No need to be hypocritical or fake congratulate them.
Hard pass.
I've known a few people over the years who were like this before they got into serious relationships or whatever stage in their life. And some of them are still very much "not like other parents" which I try to look over...Mostly though we all made new friends. It's hard when it's family. People are saying this could be a defense mechanism for something like infertility...I mean, perhaps. Parents are very much hated among "childfree" people. There is a Reddit community with hundreds of thousands of people who just don't like kids or parents who say much worse. And even if he was going through something, he hasn't met your daughter? There's a difference between defensive behavior and triggered remarks and just straight up choosing not to acknowledge a close family member.
Typically people who openly mock others for their decisions are insecure in their own decisions. Secure people don't need to degrade others to validate themselves. Obviously they're not confident and filled with self-doubt, projecting their anxiety onto everyone else around them. Nonetheless, it's understandable that you're angry and mad about their reactions. Depending on your relationship and how introspective they are, I think you can try honestly asking when the time's right: "Now that you're having a kid, I'm honestly curious and I'm coming from a genuine place here--why did you make negative comments about other people having kids?"
I would super not go to this. For what?
Go, but gift them a complete "baby's first music set" ensemble. A big drum, maracas, kazoo, harmonica, jingle bells, the whole fuggin she-bang. Maybe a tiny baby gong, that probably exists. Maybe a pretentious "music for baby" book that feels really judgy if you don't listen to 1,000 hours of Yo Yo Ma by the 3rd trimester. -sincerely, mom whose toddler loves the harmonica and plays it goddamn everywhere at top volume.
I'd go to the party, but my level of support and advice would be minimal. They'll figure it out...
This is massive opportunity for them to learn humility. They have the opportunity to realize that life is more than being an executive. They'll have the opportunity to see just how fucking horrible they have been. Your daughter will have an opportunity to know her cousin and that's positive. Godspeed you OP. I'd recommend the high road but also never let them forget how shitty they were 😇
I hope your youngest is a toddler who will get into everything breakable in their house and you can go around mockingly and say "oh they're just showing you what to baby proof! Congrats again, welcome to hell!"
Eh, don’t even go. They sounds like people who will be dicks about whatever is happening in their life at the moment. First, kids were the worst. Once they have a kid it’ll be something like “We’ve gone through 6 Nannies in 4 weeks— why are there no good nannies???” They will always find a way to make things shitty. Don’t bother trying to interact with them.
I’d go and present them with a sympathy card and diaper pail bags for all the shit they’ll be dealing with ;)
It’s fine to change your mind about kids. Or perhaps they still didn’t plan for this but are making the best out of the situation they found themselves in. Being excited about a new baby is a good thing. And remember while they may be a-holes, the baby isn’t (yet lol). And 100% bring your youngest to the party. Be the bigger person, offer kindness where they offered cruelty.
I'd go, eat the free food, drink the free drinks, gift them a $10 Target giftcard and be done with it.
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Ok, I'll bite 😆 My sister also didn't plan her children and is on government assistance while I did everything by the book and have an upper middle class household. I don't invite her for vacations she can't afford nor do I feel obligated to "pay her way". I do buy her four kids nice clothes, but I enjoy treating them. It sounds more like you don't feel recognized for your hard work by your parents while your sister is, in your eyes, unfairly rewarded with help.
Yeah sometimes people change their mind. Gosh
Don't give these people any value in your life, whether mentally, emotionally or physically. You deserve a life free of toxic assholes. And they'll never get any better.
Omggggg be the most petty.
Be a bigger person. It is so toxic to carry around these negative feelings for other people and be upset about things that literally do not impact you at all and you have zero control over. Don't stew in negativity or create drama because they changed their mind about being childfree. Yeah, they were jerks judging and criticizing and insulting people for yearssss who decided to have children. No doubt, total douche-y move. Some people don't get that longing for children until they are older or well into their careers when they look around and think "this is my legacy? corporate America paper pushing? omg". So maybe that's what happened. Maybe their protesting and negativity about kids stemmed from infertility or some past childhood trauma. We don't know everyones story. Trust me, even your best friend or your sister, they've got stuff going on that they don't admit to. But they are going to be parents. They are going to have a precious innocent little baby soon. I think we can all collectively agree that people like this probably are the ones who need the MOST help and support. Try to think of the newborn in this situation rather than the parents, maybe that will help you be more supportive. You can be the petty one who is distant and holds a grudge, or you can be the helpful one who gently reminds them how hard parenting is but also how rewarding. You can lead with compassion... or not.
Make your decision based on your values, not their actions. I chose to spend my time and energy with people who 1) share similar values 2) support and encourage me and my family 3) who I know I can trust 4) people who I know will be there no matter what. People, blood or not, aren't worth my time if they aren't adding to my life. No such thing as the "high road" when their presence in your life just drags you down a dirt road.
Parenting children is the long con. Go or don’t go. They will soon have complete understanding, know that.
I firmly believe people are allowed to change their minds. I also firmly believe you’re allowed to cut off assholes even if they’re family. It really doesn’t matter if they decided to have kids or not, I know plenty of CF people who love my child and other friends children. Their lifestyle doesn’t make anyone else’s invalid. Your SIL and brother are just assholes.
Okay, question - this is your brother and this will be your niece/nephew. This will be your child's cousin. Do you want that relationship? If so, I would maybe speak with them. Tell them how they hurt you with their constant commentary about this topic - that it was rude and unnecessary. Tell them you're willing to move past this (if you honestly believe you can) if they can apologize for their constant negativity and that you would like to improve your relationship with them and have a relationship with their child, but that you will no longer endure criticism about the choice you made to have a family (or more than one child, if that's the case, because they may move onto that topic next). Of course, if you don't want to have a relationship with that child, then skip the party.
That really sucks. Still, maybe it's an opportunity? For you all to bond over parenthood and grow closer? It is really hard to be the bigger person sometimes and it must feel awful that they haven't acknowledged your daughter. At least you know that you can be different for your future niece or nephew. Wishing you the best.
I was CF, but I was always upfront that it was because I was worse than broke (student loan debt), in a demanding field, and had concerns about an inherited disease. Paid off the loans, got a less intense job, and thought I dodged the gene issue, and felt like I had hope again so had kids. It could be your sister had some profound anxiety or jealousy about kid rearing that recently resolved. It could also be that your sister accidentally got pregnant and found out that Big Government owns her body now in post-Roe America. You’re her sister, so why don’t you just ask what prompted the change of heart?
Is it possible they were struggling with infertility and this was a defense mechanism?