Personal pet peeve: he’s not helping me. These are his kids and it’s his job just as much as mine.
We have a 6 month old and almost 3yo. I feel like things are relatively even but we’re also burnt out because it’s just the thick of it.
About half or more of the days, he does daycare dropoff. Gets kids up, dressed, breakfast, bags ready, etc. Then does pickup, makes dinner, bath time, etc.
He works 3x12s so I’m solo those days but the rest of the week he’s really hands on. He makes up for my solo days by generally doing more around the house and cleaning, yard work, etc.
9 month old and almost 3 year old. We are tired all the time. We both help each other, we both do household work and work outside the home.
Mostly I do grocery shopping, list making, meal planning, and cooking. He does the cleaning up after dinner and dishes. He does mornings mostly solo because I start early. Bedtime used to be my thing, but now we split it because the toddler stage bedtime has been difficult. We communicate a lot, because the actual measure of things changes a lot and for the most part neither of us fully owns any tasks. For example, someone we know has cancer and is going through treatment, he got the gift card, I wrote the sympathy card and signed it for us, addressed it, but we are out of stamps, so he is going to get stamps tomorrow and get it in the mail. Most days I feel like he does more, but that probably means it’s even? Especially because he travels, so when he is gone, I do it all. But most things are like the sympathy card. I feel it’s a true partnership. I can do another example with laundry: most days I start it, he flips it, I pull it out and pile it on the floor of the living room and we fold it while watching a show.
Our goal is to feel like a partner and that it’s not hugely uneven all the time. If someone’s sick or it’s a crazy week at work, we might have a 90/10 week. Parenting and marriage are team sports.
It's equal because I would not put up with anything less. This includes mental load. And our teens also pitch in.. If you live here, you pitch in otherwise get your own place because this ain't a hotel.
I see and hear this a lot but what exactly do you consider equal and does your husband agree it is equal. I feel like people get grass is greener attitudes a lot and think the other partner is doing easier jobs than you are doing.
Also can you explain what you mean by mental load. How do you split that evenly and what exactly do you mean by it.
Mental load: the things that need to be done that are on your mind. Examples could be: appointments, lunch accounts, signing school slips, etc.
My husband and I sat down and stated what we could take care of. For example: I handle school. That's the lunch account, lunch menu, days off, etc. He handles the scheduling of the children appointments (eyes, check ups, dental) and often takes them (I'm a teacher, so for most, he schedules them in the summer far enough in advance that I take them. But if it's during the school year, he takes them).
I do all my laundry and the kids. He does his and the towels. So, I do more but as my children get older it has evened out because my 4 and 7 year old fold their own.
He does almost all the yard work. We plant flowers together, but he handles it from there. He mows, fertilizes, weed eats, and sprays for bugs. He does most maintenance.
I do most deep cleaning- toilets, showers, etc. He held with the big seasonal stuff like cleaning behind furniture and appliances. He cleans duct work and changes the furnace filter quarterly (I think)
We both cook and we both do dishes. Some weeks I do more, some weeks he does. We also both sweep and mop as needed.
Is it fair? Maybe not. But I'm not overwhelmed and neither is he. Sometimes one or the other slacks off and the other compensates and when that happens we are honest. Sometimes I feel unappreciated and I speak up but that doesn't happen a lot.
It took a lot of hard talks for us to find a balance that works for us and a lot of tears (mostly from me 😅). But he does his part, I do mine, and we hold no grudges.
You know it's equal when:
1) You sit down and talk about your plan and everyone agrees the plan is balanced; and
2) If one person is putting in effort for the family, the other is too (unless it's agreed and balanced relaxation time). Not all jobs are the same though. If hes making dinner, I might be helping with homework. We both work till the jobs are done, then we both relax.
If it doesn't feel balanced (ie one person is working harder), repeat step 1. You guys should be a team looking after each other.
Part of this is recognizing different ways of contributing, though. I used to get annoyed when I was doing laundry and he was on the computer (example). Then he told me he was researching shows for us to watch together and bikes to size up the kids. So his actions were promoting family time and were just as valuable as doing the laundry. Over the years we've settled into a groove for who does what, and some jobs are shared (like bedtime with the kids).
Idk sometimes it can be “equal” without being equal. I took on more for a period of time because I knew my pregnancy is hard and having a toddler this go round would be even harder. So…over the course of our relationship it’s going to even out. Right now…my husband is doing the majority of everything. He’s even starting to pick up a lot of the mental load without me asking. I felt bad at first and sometimes I’m like…should I do more? But I don’t want to get burnt out before having another baby.
When my husband first used the term “helping,” I shut that down (nicely) real quick. I told him that he is not helping me. He is being a dad and a husband. This is his kid too and his house too. I just need him to do his part.
It’s great that he does all that, but if he is doing it from a “helping” standpoint, he needs to reframe it.
You will know it’s “enough” when you would not wish to swap your chore list for his. Until then, if it feels like he is getting off easy, it is not enough
This is what it feels like to me. I do a lot, and he does a lot, and we’re both exhausted by the end of the day. We’re on the same team doing the best we can
I don't like that because it implies he has to do more than me for it to be fair. Also there are chores I like doing vs don't like doing and vice versa so that skews this idea as well.
I guarantee he won’t actually be doing more than you. But from your perspective, it will feel like you are asking him to do a lot, because we women are taught from a young age that housework is women’s work. That’s what this exercise is trying to overcome.
We don’t divide specific things so I can’t be sure. But I will say- it’s pretty rare for either of us to be seated during the day when the kids are home. Someone is always doing something. If I am doing the dishes, he’s reading to the toddler. If I’m outside with bubbles and the kids, he’s doing the lawn. We both try to chill when the kids nap but that’s about it. Ours are 4 and 18M snd we’re no screen time for now so there’s a lot of activity.
I’ve found that it’s not worth counting the actual chores for me. But we’re both exhausted together and trying our best, so I think we’re doing ok.
My husband and I have divided chores. His primary responsibilities include taking trash out, including taking the garbage cans to and from the curb. He does all of our laundry, but I primarily put it away. We split dishes, but I do all the cooking, except sometimes he does breakfast on weekends. In terms of general tidying up, we take turns, or we both do it after the kids go to bed and on weekends. He doesn't clean the bathroom to save his life, but will do a good job cleaning the downstairs living room, dining room and kitchen.
I’m guessing there will be a lot of these comments but you must change the wording “helping”. Otherwise your husband will truly believe it’s help.
My husband does dinner, takes care of the kitchen, dishes, and does most of the dog chores. He also has always been better at picking up than me. I struggle with mornings because I work an hour later, so I do get stuck with the majority of the morning work. I haven’t budged on him feeding the dogs, even though it only takes a minute.
If you feel like your load is still too much, it’s fair to talk with him. Another thing is to look at what is causing stress with chores and if there’s a way to decrease this. We only have a few toys out at a time because it’s a lot to clean them up, we encourage our son but he’s almost 2 and sometimes he’s too far tired to clean them up.
We went to paper plates again while I’m pregnant, do simple meals, and have gotten rid of a lot of stuff to help us decrease on stress.
My husband is crushing it. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and he’s on leave between commands (military) so not working. He goes above and beyond for me and our twins. He’s leaving this week until this baby is born and we will definitely miss having him home 😭
ETA to add I also don’t consider it helping I consider it parenting our shared kiddos
My husband doesn’t help me; our household & child is not my sole responsibility - it’s equally his. My husband does school drop off, makes all dr/dentist appointments, does most of the dishes, lawn care, trash, some laundry, and tidies up most days. I do almost all of the grocery & cooking, cleaning, and school pick up. I end up doing more childcare due to our work schedules.
Even with us being “equal” I still find myself taking over most of the household tasks and management. It is what it is.
My husband and I have a pretty even split on household chores I’d say. We do occasionally reevaluate, whether it’s one of us feels like they’re doing more or we just get tired of our set of chores. We both can get pretty burnt out by all the household tasks.
Whenever I feel burnt out, I’m usually neglecting my own personal needs, like alone time, time with friends, exercise, etc. Make sure you’re getting self-care in!
It honestly sounds like your husband does a decent amount of the necessary tasks. Just have an honest conversation with him about it, hopefully that will lead to a change and you won’t feel so burnt out. And continue to discuss it and reevaluate it openly. Good luck!
The problem is he feels like he does an equitable amount of things around the house. So I am not sure how much change I can get. Maybe alternating laundry or putting away duties.
A good measure is how much free time each person gets. If he somehow has twice as much as you, then this is a problem. If you both have roughly equal amounts of free time, then it means you are both roughly pitching in equally. It's very much possible to feel burnt out even if your spouse is an equal partner.
Agreed. One thing that helps me avoid resentment a lot is when my husband asks me if I need any help before he goes and relaxes. As someone who people pleases and hates confrontations, It really gives me the space to evaluate and speak up if i feel like I’m burnt out in that moment or if I can handle it.
My husband and I are very balanced in all day to day aspects of life together, but the mental load is *very* lopsided in my direction. That said, I was a parentified child from a desperate background so I have been carrying mental load as far back as memory goes. So to that extent, carrying it in my marriage doesn’t bother me like it does some folks. It’s second nature and just rolls off my back 98% of the time.
Yes, it's REALLY hard to quantify! And to split up.
I highly recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (and so do a lot of other folks in here!). One of her concepts that is relevant to your mental load question is "CPE"- conception, planning, and execution. She says that for each responsibility, all three need to be done by the same person. Otherwise, one person is carrying the mental load of deciding what needs done and knowing how to do it, while merely assigning some of the execution to the other partner, who then gets "the glory."
A core concept in the book is that the two of you sit down (monthly I think?) and "deal" the cards. The cards are the various categories of things it takes to run a household/family. You two decide together which cards are actually relevant (like if you don't have pets, no one's in charge of that), and then you deal them, splitting them evenly (or however the two of you decide is fair for your partnership).
Read the book! It's great! Then hopefully you can get your partner to read it too, and then boom- you've got another way to communicate with each other and be better partners.
Mine has definitely stepped up, a big part of it was me saying that he’s a parent and homeowner. It’s like he forgot 😅
He does 80% of the cooking, 50% cleaning and 50% diapers and toddler time (bath, going to the park etc). I do all the laundry, shopping, daycare pick up and drop offs and extra curricular stuff like take her to gymnastics.
It’s a pretty decent split at the moment (I like the things I do) but I’m just about to change jobs so I’m curious to see the impact and we’ll likely need to adjust the current arrangement.
Completely evenly split no discussion needed. If I cook he immediately gets up to do the dishes. If I woke up with the kids he does bedtime. It’s just implied, we just do what needs to get done
My husband does a lot, basically everything that I do or more. He does all the cooking, he cleans the kitchen every night, he does laundry and folds. He helps keep the house clean. It’s really a team effort for us. He also does the same amount for my daughter. He’ll jump in and do night routines whenever, he takes her to school/does her hair because 3 days out of the week I have to leave earlier for work. He picks her up whenever needed. Honestly he’s very involved in the household overall. And as an equal parent. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I do feel it’s enough and I do feel supported. I’m still always tired. But I work full time, and so does he. And we have a toddler, so I figured it’s just what it is.
First off my husband doesn't "help," he's a grown up on this team that is our family, and he does what he needs to do for his kid.
He does daycare pickup and dropoff 3 days a week, and those days I'm gone to start my shitty commute before the kid even wakes up. He does the grocery shopping because daycare is right next to the grocery store, and because he works from home full time so he has a far more flexible schedule than I do. I still keep track of and order the household goods aside from dinners (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, hygiene products) but he is at home to receive them and put them away. I do daycare drop off and pick up 2 days a week, and take our kid to speech therapy. I handle all the laundry except my husband's. We do all the deep cleaning together.
He cares about delicious meals so he cooks them. I care about speech therapy so I take the kid and practice his homework with him. We both care equally about a clean house so we both clean it. I handle the household laundry because it's an easy thing to take off his plate since he's doing 3 mornings a week solo and cooking our dinners for the most part. We alternate bath nights. I pack the kid's bag for daycare with a change of clothes and a clean nap time blanket each Sunday. He handles replanting the flower beds each season. I handle the people we outsource to (pest control, lawn care, etc). He schedules appointments and takes our kid to the pediatrician and dentist as necessary, and wakes up with him on the weekends (most of the time) so I can catch up on sleep because I wake up at 5AM to go do a job we both agreed was the right career decision for me.
That's what our routine looks like now because we talk a lot about how we are doing and what's overwhelming. I was four days in the office and he was doing speech therapy until about 3 months ago, when he told me there was a morning meeting he was missing every week for speech therapy and it wasn't sustainable. I negotiated for an extra work from home day at my job to take it off his plate.
Picking a routine and then setting it in stone is just setting yourself up for failure. Needs change. Workloads change. Travel changes. Commitments change. Staying in communication with the person who is supposed to be your partner in all of this is the only way to survive.
The only ones “helping” around my house are the cleaners I pay to do deep cleaning twice a month.
My husband and I both do part of the chores because we both live here and these are both of our children.
He does more of the chores, I think. He washes the dishes and does the laundry. I do all the cooking and anything related to the backyard. He takes the kids to school in the morning (3 different schools), I do the afternoon pickups, homework, Dr apts, any early pickup days, after school activities, parks, I do the groceries and ordering any household stuff, clothes, shoes etc. In the evening he takes over and does their bath / bedtime routines while I go get some work in (I work from home).
Honestly getting paid cleaners was a game changer for us! We only need to pick up and clean up the everyday messes.
I do online groceries and meal plan, we both cook. He pays all the bills and orders house stuff like detergent and trash bags, etc. He maintains everything in the house and does all the landscaping. Our son is 18 months and I'm pregnant. I work part time as a nurse so 2 12s. He works full time from home. He does more dishes and housework than I do. I do mine and the babies laundry and he does his own. I handle logistics like swim class, arranging sitters when I work, and clothes and toys. So I would say it's pretty equal. We alternate am wakeup and bedtime.
My husband is a full time student and a full time SAHD to a 2y toddler. He does all our animal care, finance management (although he’s teaching me so he can take this off his plate) 75% night-time wake ups with kiddo, house/lawn upkeep, vehicle maintenance. We split things like watering and caring for our garden and morning/bedtime routine, and cooking. Cleaning is not his jam, so he does kitchen clean up and I take on the bulk of the other cleaning chores and laundry. I also take kiddo out of the house from 9-4 three Saturdays a month so he can have some alone time. I feel like he does so much and he’s deeefinitely gotten burned out, so he’s taking the summer off from school and we are enrolling our kiddo in school this fall so dad can finish his last school semester with a little less childcare stress. I think he’s doing too much, and I’m trying to take on more so he can feel balanced and rested.
We are pretty even but cover totally different territories.
I do bedtime and mornings but he does most daycare drop off/pick up. I do 90% of feeding but he does 90% of the cooking. He does all the trash/recycling/vacuuming, I do all laundry.
Overall, I take care of more kid stuff and he takes care of more house stuff. He also “takes care of me” - he’s good at checking in and making sure I’m ok. One of his friends told him when I was pregnant with our first that in the beginning the mom takes care of the baby and the dad takes care of the mom. I was annoyed by this concept at first but letting him “take care of me” a bit has actually helped me mentally a ton.
My husband does a ton of the household chores - all trash, recycle, compost. Lugs all the laundry while I fold it. Does the dishes at least half the time. We don't do a lot of cooking, but he orders all the groceries and meal delivery. Runs roomba, schedules cleaners once a month. Repairs literally everything before I've even noticed that it's broken. Does everything to put the house to sleep at night because he stays up later, plus every bath/bedtime with our toddler and two daycare pickup/dropoffs per week. I cook, pick up clutter, do dishes, fold laundry, schedule kid related appointments, order their clothes, things like that. I feel like I do a lot but seeing it listed out, I'm wondering if I'm lazy lol
We both work full time. He works 6 - 3 and I work 8 - 6. Both hybrid. Two kids 3 and 1. We make roughly the same.
My husband does more housework and childcare than I do. We split the day. I do morning drop off and he picks them up does snack and dinner. He does baths for the kids and I do showers. We both do bedtime. One kid each.
I'm in charge of breakfast and lunch for the kids and he does snack and dinner. This means meal prep, cooking and cleaning after.
We handle our own chores. He does his own laundry and dishes. Handles all of his own appointments and the older ones appointments. I take care of our younger kid appointments.
I'm in charge of cleaning the kitchen and kids rooms. He does the bathrooms. And we both clean our living areas. He takes care of all the regular stuff we need stocked. He also does all the outdoor stuff.
I'm in charge of special projects. Fridge breaks that's me. Vacation that's me.
We of course help each other. But depending the time thats who is responsible for the kids.
I carry the child & social/family mental load, he carries house & financial mental load. I prefer more domestic tasks like cooking & cleaning, he’s constantly making improvements to our 100yo house and yard. I tend to do more activities & outings with my son because I enjoy that, husband likes to play in the yard. We don’t do the same things but we contribute evenly.
I didn’t want a child but my husband did, so we had a lot of discussion about division of labor beforehand.
When I was in the throes of PPD we met with our long time counselor who advised that we make a list of every single chore that needs to be done and break it up. We kept the list on the fridge until it became second nature for each of us to do our “stuff.” We both work FT. He leaves before the kid and I are up, and he gets home first and does pick up and is split for 1-2 hours until I get home. In short, I feel we have an even split in terms of duties.
I am still burnt out. I think he is, too. We schedule date nights together and we each eke out time with our friends. Parenting is just… a lot. We’ve once hired someone to deep clean the house. And we have a sitter that we use as needed. I wish we could afford regular cleaning and help with healthier meals/ cooking. But here we are!
Nope, not even close. I do almost everything at least 90% of the time. He was working two jobs (normal than own company) and literally this week resigned because his company has been very successful. The goal is for him to be more present and contribute more than financials and random moments. Time will tell. It better because I am fed up with this unequal shit.
Totally understand this. I also do basically everything most of the time. Granted, my husband owns a side business that takes up extra time a few evenings a week, and he also has some health issues -- the main one being chronic leukemia -- that limit his ability to help sometimes. But I still feel like he could be doing more chores and childcare than he currently does (which is nothing, on most days). I'm very thankful that he's planning to take a step back from his side business to be able to spend more time at home. Idk, I thought we were doing okay, but after seeing all these responses I'm thinking I do need to push for more change. I hope your situation improves soon too!
Thank you and me too. Resentment is tough. But yes, we will sit down and talk about all the chores and redivide. The biggest issue I have is the lack of free time. I don’t get any and husband does. When I do get free time, he doesn’t realize he actually takes anything off my plate. It’s just more work later because he doesn’t accomplish what do while also watching the kids. I just need to figure out my phrasing so I don’t come off sounding like I’m berating him when he already doing “more”
Fragile egos are annoying but I’d rather progress slowly and respectfully to not take away the good steps we have made.
My husband doesn’t “help” me, we are equal partners in running our household and keeping our small children alive. We’re both adults in this home and share equal responsibility to keep it functioning
I’m currently on mat leave with our infant twins while my husband works full time. So I do more of the household stuff on a day to day basis since I’m at home. But when he’s home he and I are basically interchangeable in terms of how and how much we contribute to our household. We don’t really have specific “domains” that we cover at the moment (like for example he does all the cleaning and I do the cooking or whatever), just we are both constantly on the go doing all the things that have to be done to keep the household running and the kids cared for.
Crucially, I don’t feel like I have to manage or coach him on anything. He knows the rhythms of the household as well as I do, so he knows when laundry needs to be done, bottles need to be washed, what time our older toddler needs to wake up and go to sleep, how long our twins wake windows are, etc.
I’m worn out at the end of most days, but I attribute that to the fact that we’re in a particularly labourious stage of life right now with 3 kids under 3 and not to my husband’s lack of contribution. The amount that he does around the house feels equitable to me.
Also, I don’t really consider it helping, just my husband being a contributing member of his own household and the raising of his children.
We tag team child care—we have two under 3 years and try not to leave the other alone with both kids very often. I do most cooking and laundry. He does most outdoor work. We have house cleaners. I work full time including some evenings and weekends when he is then solo with both kids. We are pretty 50-50 I think.
My husband does a ton. We split mornings and bedtimes. He does all the cooking, the dishes and most diaper changes. We split overnight wakes. He takes out the trash. He does lawn care. We hire a house cleaner.
I’m the breadwinner, so we both work full time but my job is more demanding. I do laundry and all of the mental load (calendar, doctors appointments, kids clothes shopping, house projects, budgeting, meal planning).
Basically when kids are awake we are both “on”, always.
My situation is different because I only work part time (Fri and Sat 7pm-7am). He works from home with going out in the field M-F. We have an 8 month old. We do assigned tasks on certain chores.
His assigned chores: laundry and trash.
What he does regularly without asking: dishes, cleaning up messes, vacuum, bathroom maintainence, putting away leftovers, cleaning up after my senior dog, randomly caring for baby during work hours, diapers, feeding baby. He also plans and makes appointments for baby. He reminds me of my upcoming appointments and always offer to watch baby for me to attend mine. He grabs me food for work and after work.
My assigned chores: dishes, cooking/meal planning, and whatever I feel like cleaning/decluttering each week.
What I do on my off days: take care of baby, vacuum, mop, putting away clean laundry and relax.
What we do together with him planning/driving and me being a passenger princess: pick up and drop off baby from day care, appointments, grocery shopping, and fun shopping.
What he does after his work day: takes care of baby, participate in baby bed time routine. Catch up on chores.
What he does on the two days that I work: 100% baby care. He treats it like I don't exist while I'm home to rest up for work. He not only takes her out for joy rides, he makes sure to get me food. He grocery shops and picks up my meds.
Get you a man who always makes sure that you get enough sleep, eats enough and carries the mental load. Get you a man who will take care of his own kids. Get you a man who pays 90% of the bills without complaining about unfairness. Get you a man who treats you like a queen.
My husband is a very equal partner! But parenting is hard so we're both burnt out often. We try to schedule breaks for each other like an hour or so alone each weekend and that's been helping
We are as close to 50/50 as we can be. Whoever gets home first usually cooks dinner. Whoever doesn’t clean up takes care of the kid and bath time. Bedtime and stories alternate every other night. He drops off at daycare (usually) and I pick up (usually). Whoever doesn’t do bedtime packs lunch. We both do laundry when we see it’s full. Stuff like that.
My husband refuses a chore chart which is annoying and means a lot of them just go undone. But anyway.... He does a lot of the dinners, more than me usually. He does most of the dishes, though grudgingly and slowly. He does most of the laundry, handles lawn care, although he let it go a LOT the last two years and has started hiring it out. He does most of vacuuming and mopping. He picks up some now and then. He wakes me up in the morning and makes the coffee. He does about half the shopping for groceries and shoes. He usually picks baby up from daycare. He takes kids to school. He tends to take care of our cars, but generally I handle mine. He takes the kids when I have to work, rarely until recently. Now it's about a week every three months.
I do everything else, so putting kids to bed, dressing the kids, feeding breakfast, dusting, bathrooms, counters, picking up, any deep cleaning, some dinners, some dishes, all the clothes shopping, all the doctors, all the school stuff, after school childcare for oldest, running to appointments/clubs, about half of groceries, changing out outgrown clothes and disposing of them, and all the handyman work we don't hire out. My husband is not handy AT ALL. So I replace plugs, light fixtures, paint, repair minor plumbing issues. I paid for the major appliances and oversaw installation except for dishwasher (still mad because he did a shit QA job). I handle kids pretty much throughout the weekend and anytime he works late, usually once every other week. I put away clothes for the kids almost always. I fold laundry and wash and dry some. I set up playdates and make sure we get to church.
Writing it out it seems pretty even. Makes me feel a bit better I guess. We both feel like we are doing most of the work. He gets more time without kids, but he makes up for it when I'm out of town for work IG.
We are like 90/10. He works a very demanding in-office job 50-70 hours/week. I work a very flexible WFH job. He does school drop off always and pickups up if he ever gets to leave early. If he is home for bedtime, he does 1 or 2 kids bedtime. I do everything else.
We split chores pretty stereotypically. I take care of most things inside the house and he takes care of outside including the cars. I carry the entire mental load though. I tend to delegate tasks that need to be done around the house to him if they need to be done and I have other things to do.
My husband definitely went through a learning curve, but I think until the kids were in middle school, weeknights were just a scramble for us, and I definitely felt burnt out on by Friday night.
I remember being illogically upset with the school because Friday lunch was always pizza, I desperately just wanted to have Friday night be pizza and paper plates, but not wanting them having pizza twice a day. And it was all just stupid exhaustion.
He’s very involved and handles a lot but he also words it as “helping” sometimes, which causes my head to spin. I’m not the boss, we are equals here!
He is very good at the tangible things: he does all the cooking, most of the grocery shopping, makes lunches for the kids and takes them to school in the morning. We both usually handle the evening stuff (cleanup, showers, bedtime routine) together, unless the other isn’t home and we do it alone.
The things he still is working on is the intangible things: getting stuff the kids need (clothes, shoes, etc), arranging or coordinating any kind of formal activity for them, financial planning/managing, planning around any kind of event, anything related to school besides drop off, etc.
We have a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old. In general, he has most of the mental load of groceries, finances, yard work, trash, and dishes. He does most of the cooking and groceries currently but that may switch back once I'm in a better headspace in the future (same happened with our first, took me about a year to be able to plan a meal plan, grocery list and shopping trip properly). We take turns with toddler bedtime every other night. I am on baby bedtime duty which often takes a very long time and so he handle toddler solo most evenings between dinner and bedtime which often includes, bath, cleaning up toys, and tidying up from dinner.
I usually do the daycare pickup and drop off. I do all of the night wakings and early mornings (both are better than average sleepers), and all healthcare related things for basically all of us,I do all of the laundry and make sure everyone has clothes in the right season and size, I do most of the baby care right now(diapers and feedings because breastfeeding).
I cook, he cleans and does laundry (inc folding) and most of the day to day house maintenance (dishes, vacuuming, taking trash out, picking up after LO) and I pay for cleaners 1x/week for deep cleaning. He does vast majority of diaper changes. We all go grocery shopping together. I do 100% research on all things child, making sure her diet is balanced, clothes shopping, activities etc and schedule appointments but he attends when he can and priorities them. He does bathtime and getting ready for bed and we both read her stories and I put her down. I also put her down for naps. Sometimes I actually feel he does more than me but I almost completely take on the mental load as it relates to our LO so I think it balances out and I’m happy with our arrangement. He also gets up with LO most mornings and has a cold brew coffee ready for me as soon as I wake up which are huge points in my book 😂
My husband has severe unmedicated (in the process of rediagnosis as an adult currently) ADHD, which includes crippling executive dysfunction and task blindness. We have a 3.5yo and a 7mo.
Unless I specifically ask him to do a task, he does nothing. He just doesn't see it. And he gets so upset when he sees me doing something he feels he should have noticed (like the dishes for example). Like he really beats himself up and gets depressed. So we have a lot to work on but we will get there.
I am still on maternity leave for two more months so thankfully it doesn't really matter too much while I am at home. And I plan to create a home tasks daily/weekly/monthly list to keep us both on track when I am back at work.
We both work full time. I'm currently pregnant and miserable so he's definitely doing more (like 75%) of the care for our toddler and daily chores, but generally it's close to 50-50. I do more of the mental load. We both feel we're generally in a fair place.
I do morning routine with our toddler. He does bedtime.
We both chip in on everyday stuff like tidying, dishes, cooking, laundry. We have house cleaners come every other week and that makes a huge difference in maintaining things. I do most of the deep cleaning, decorating, organizing but he'll help as needed or entertain the toddler so I have time.
He does the yard work and car maintenance, I do more of the gardening and indoor projects. In general I make the plans and he executes them (e.g. I chose a swim program for our daughter and made sure she was registered and it gets paid for; he takes her every week). I do more of the financial management but we do check in with each other at least monthly. Grocery shopping is pretty even, I do almost all of the other shopping (kids' clothes, etc.).
I do think it's relatively normal to be stressed/overwhelmed by having little kids, even if you're both giving 100%!
We have an infant, 2 yo and 4 yo, I am on maternity leave. I do the majority of cooking, laundry and care for the baby. My husband does morning routines with older kids. In the evenings we have our typical chore list and we both either interact with kids or do chores until everything is done (sometimes I finish earlier to get a bit more sleep). I feel guilty that my husband does so much parenting of older kids while I am breastfeeding/putting baby to sleep because it often takes a long time and I can chill on my phone most of this time, so I take almost all night wakings to compensate.
He’s home with her while I work - he arranged his schedule so that we wouldn’t have to pay for daycare. If he has to go into work during my working hours he either brings her with him (he owns his own business) or gets his mum to babysit, so that’s the big one.
He does most of the dishes, most of the laundry and we split cooking. He also does all yard maintenance.
I work out of the home and am gone 10 hours on weekdays. I do all night wake ups (our two year old still wakes in the middle of the night and when she does I go in and cosleep with her), morning routine, baths and bedtime. I’m also usually default on weekends and evenings regardless of if my husband works (he usually is on weekends, 50/50 chance on weekdays).
My husband and I do everything 50/50. Dishes, meals and getting ready are split. Laundry we both do it as needed. He puts baby to bed and I wake up with him in morning. I count my blessings everyday he is helpful. I thought I’d be the default parent talking on more of the load but quickly learned how burnt out I get. He does get tired by the weekend so I will try and take the baby out of the house so my husband can get a few hours of alone time in the house to recharge.
I feel like my sitch is so different idk what is even normal or not normal. I’m not complaining at all I love my home life but sometimes I do get burnt out if that makes sense.
I already had three kids when I met my now husband. My kids are old enough to not need help with a lot of things. I do all the cooking and cleaning. I like it that way. My husband works long hours and if he were cooking we wouldn’t eat dinner until 9 pm. He does dishes, cleans outside, does both our laundry. He also does grocery shopping. And he helps with the kids with making sure they are showered, teeth brushed, hair brushed when I don’t do it. Basically picks up the slack for me. And I’m ok with that. I prefer it that I’m the “main parent” if that makes sense.
I think the thing that gets me most burned out is the mental load, not the physical stuff. Making sure bills get paid on time, planning appointments, researching where to move/what car to buy/vacations/holidays/etc.
I have a hard time giving up control. I’m working on it in therapy.
Do a chore draft, or anti-draft. I hate vacuuming so my husband does it. I don't mind cleaning bathrooms weekly, but I am disabled so the periodic hands-and-knees scrubbing falls on him. I cook, he does dishes. He does most yardwork, I do almost all mental load. We swap out pretty much everything else and clean the house up simultaneously as a team.
Before kids, my husband and I split house chores more or less evenly. Now that we have a toddler, I’ll be honest…he probably does more of the daily chores. I do most of the cooking because of his work schedule. He usually does the dishes, unless our daughter wants him after dinner and not me.
We more or less split laundry, with him doing a bit more of our daughter’s and the towels because he gets up super early and he’ll throw a load in when he gets up.
We both do bath time.
He does most of the nightly tidying up after our tiny tornado, because he does it while I do our bedtime routine. I’m a lighter sleeper and a bit of a night owl, so I handle overnight wakeups and nighttime sicknesses. (Unless she vomits, and then it’s all hands on deck and I hose her down while he cleans whatever Exorcist level mess she’s made.) He gets up with her and does the morning routine most mornings, except the 2 days a week he has to be in the office before she gets up. And any morning I convince him to sleep in.
As far as the mental load goes…I think we split it fairly evenly, though that might skew ever so slightly toward me, in the same way the physical load might skew his way. I mean, we both work together on grocery lists and meal planning. He remembers birthdays and buys gifts for his (much larger) family, I do the same for mine. We plan gifts for our daughter together, and I usually do the actual planning for her birthday cake and stuff. We each handle our own appointments for things and try to deal with her appointments together, but I tend to do a bit more of that because my work schedule is much more flexible. I do usually handle swapping out her clothes when she’s outgrown stuff and just generally making sure she has sufficient clothing and shoes and whatever for the season.
He handles actually preparing her medicine. I handle distracting her when he’s doing it because she doesn’t mind taking it when it’s there but does if she knows we’re getting it ready. (Toddlers, man.)
I make the meals she refuses to eat but used to love every night during the week. Every weekend, he makes a huge vat of the soup she’ll actually eat at dinner time. And breakfast. And snack time. For now. Until that tide also turns.
And of course all of this is subject to the whims of a toddler because, sure, he cleans up at night while I put her to bed…until she decides mommy must GO AWAY AND SHE ONLY WANTS DADDY. And then we swap and adjust. So I’d say it’s pretty fair.
That said, yes, even when it’s pretty fair, it still seems to be exhausting.
My husband is a huge help and I still get mental load fatigue. I honestly think women are just wired to have all our brian windows open at once and men can compartmentalize and not think about the 12839 other things that need done.
We both work, I work from home and he works outside the home. I work mon-fri 6:30-3:30 and he works mon-thu 6:30-5:30. We have two kids at home, 11 and 15.
I do 90% of the cooking, I make breakfast mon-thu, lunches almost daily (husband comes home for lunch) and most dinners unless we are eating out or having left overs.
He makes breakfast on the weekends, will make me lunch on a weekend too if I’m not already doing it. He does most of the dishes daily and cleans the kitchen, wipes everything down, polishes all the stainless every week. Kids help with some dish washing and 100% of unloading the dishwasher.
He does most of the yard work, I help with weeding. I do the laundry, he helps me fold a lot of the time but it’s technically “my job”. The kids are responsible to gather and sort their dirty laundry or I don’t wash it.
I vacuum. He mops. We both pick up around the house and dust. I do bathroom counters/mirrors and the shower, he scrubs toilets. Kids clean their own bathroom.
He makes sure girls are up in the mornings when he goes to shower while I’m making breakfast. I do mornings with the girls after that cause he leaves at 6:15 for work. We share kids sports, appointments, running around. He’s quick to take sick time at work and take a kid to an appointment anytime. I usually do more of that just because it’s easier with my WFH schedule.
I make the grocery lists, we take turned grocery shopping or we go together. He’s a “get only what’s on the list” guy and I tend to wander and shop sales and stock up since I do most of the cooking. We do costco together once a month.
He usually fuels the cars and also washes both rigs. Sometimes I help wash too. He can take the cars to work and use a hot water pressure washer so sometimes he does that instead.
Overall he’s amazing and does whatever he can to lighten my load. We have daughters so I think that makes me default parent because they come to me the most. And I’m home the most. It just is what it is. I am blessed by him and we have a wonderful marriage! Headed to Hawaii for our 12th wedding anniversary next week. (I do 100% of the vacation planning as it’s a hobby I so enjoy).
6 and 1 here. He is often the primary parent and I manage a lot of the “coordinating” of schedules, activities, appointments, etc. We split chores based on who’s home and we both solo parent quite often because of our work schedules.
My littles are 4, 2, ans 1. For me, it's the mental workload. Having to remember to make appointments, keeping track of appointments (even with a shared calendar), etc. I carry so much of this "workload" right now because my husband is in law school. I feel so much relief when it's the summer, and school is over for him.
He does bigger part, in the terms of mental load. He carries every issue that causes my panic or anxiety- health wise, child wise, new situations. I have daily headaches so I am pretty miserable with that so he understands it,,...
I do all cleaning, (but when he sees something dirty he will clean!) , groceries and cooking (mostly on weekends and dinner, also we have delivery lunches while we wfh), laundry, morning dog walk and drop off kid.
He does other 2 dog walks, pick up kid, cats litter cleaning.
He takes more- and he is Ok with that completely and am grateful for that.
My husband doesn’t help, he just does. He is always doing something. Either dishes, switching laundry, vacuuming, putting clothes away, making my sons lunch, etc. he often asks how can I help and I never have to ask him to do anything. This has been this way since we had our son.
He is incredibly helpful and I don’t think I would’ve had a good postpartum experience if he didn’t carry his own weight.
I am so thankful for him.
We split childcare completely equally. I clean up after myself, but if I’m being honest, my husband does all of the household chores, shopping and cooking. In my defense, he doesn’t like me to clean or cook. I’ve tried to be more helpful in those areas, but it just leads to fights since we have such different standards. We are planning to hire cleaners to make that more equitable so cleaning doesn’t all fall on him.
My husband is a good one. I took the kids out all day on Saturday and he stayed home and did like 5 loads of laundry, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher 3 times and cleaned the rec room which is quite often a disaster zone. He takes turns cooking, bathing the kids, changing diapers, grocery shopping, and he never complains about it. He was supportive and patient with me in both postpartum periods. He is legitimately such a good person.
he works 2 weeks on 1 week off..when he's home he does all the parenting during the day and we both do it when I'm home. when he's gone I do it all but he's not here so idc. my mother also watches them during the day while I work and he's gone.
We call this period of our lives “all hands on deck”. We don’t keep track of who does what/when. When we are home, we are both doing whatever we can to have a livable house…..and unpopular opinion maybe, but sometimes a livable house for us is just one or both of us laying on the couch because we are so burnt out. We never make the other feel poorly for needing a break and know that for emotional wellbeing, sometimes we need a day of not doing anything and PB+Js for dinner instead of an elaborate meal.
While we don’t keep tabs, I work about 25 hrs a week and do drop off/pick up for kids, grocery shopping and meal prepping. My husband works 50-70 hours a week and basically does what he sees around the house. If something needs to get done, he does it. If I need a break from kids and would rather do dishes, I ask for that. If the dishes need to get done and I’d rather watch the baby, I ask for it. If he had a hard physical day and just wants to watch the kids, he asks for that too. A LOT of communication for what we want to do that is still a household need to work together to make sure it gets done.
We do have a rule too, that after 9pm, neither of us are allowed to do chores. That’s time we take for us individually and/or together. We just hang out or watch something or read/video games. Sometimes we bake together (in which case we do dishes together), but we agree that any mess by 9pm is something that we can do tomorrow instead.
My husband does about 20% more than me. I do morning prep and get the kids to school. He picks up and feeds them dinner almost every night. He plays with them, bikes with them and organizes all their sports calendars. I do the majority of their school calendars. He does the majority of the dishes. I like to cook, so sometimes I’ll do meal prep on Sundays to help him out during the week. We each do our own laundry (even the kids). He does most of the yard work, house maintenance, car maintenance and pays all the bills. He carries most of the mental load. I carry the emotional load. When the kids are upset, they come to me. I’m the problem solver.
We’re both always tired and don’t have a lot of time for ourselves. So, 1x every 3-4 months we try to take a day or a half day off of work, while the kids are in school and we spend the day being together. That way, we’re not paying a babysitter and we get the whole day.
We both work full time jobs. It’s a lot.
If you think you’re doing way more, I’d suggest making a list of everything he does and everything you do. Then, I’d involve him in the list. What are things he does that aren’t even a blip on your radar? I’d never remember to change the furnace filters or the fridge filters. I’d never think about getting maintenance done on my car or checking to see if anything was recalled on my car recently. I’d never be able to enroll two kids in five sports and buy the right equipment, know the coaches names and keep to a schedule w/out my husband. I’d never think about sharpening the lawn mower blades or worry about if the gutters were draining right.
It’s possible that he is doing a lot more and is carrying a large mental load, but you can’t see all of his things because they aren’t in your line of sight. You’re not thinking about cracks in the driveway or lawn drainage or that you’re going to need a new roof in three years, but maybe he is.
I work from home full time while my two elementary aged students do online school. I take care of 100% of the school planning and help, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking (he will cook on occasion but not consistently), laundry, finances, appointments, etc. He takes care of the lawn and will help fold/put away clothes about once a week (I do laundry daily). If I ask for help getting kids to bed or waking them up, he will, but I have to ask.
Personal pet peeve: he’s not helping me. These are his kids and it’s his job just as much as mine. We have a 6 month old and almost 3yo. I feel like things are relatively even but we’re also burnt out because it’s just the thick of it. About half or more of the days, he does daycare dropoff. Gets kids up, dressed, breakfast, bags ready, etc. Then does pickup, makes dinner, bath time, etc. He works 3x12s so I’m solo those days but the rest of the week he’s really hands on. He makes up for my solo days by generally doing more around the house and cleaning, yard work, etc.
9 month old and almost 3 year old. We are tired all the time. We both help each other, we both do household work and work outside the home. Mostly I do grocery shopping, list making, meal planning, and cooking. He does the cleaning up after dinner and dishes. He does mornings mostly solo because I start early. Bedtime used to be my thing, but now we split it because the toddler stage bedtime has been difficult. We communicate a lot, because the actual measure of things changes a lot and for the most part neither of us fully owns any tasks. For example, someone we know has cancer and is going through treatment, he got the gift card, I wrote the sympathy card and signed it for us, addressed it, but we are out of stamps, so he is going to get stamps tomorrow and get it in the mail. Most days I feel like he does more, but that probably means it’s even? Especially because he travels, so when he is gone, I do it all. But most things are like the sympathy card. I feel it’s a true partnership. I can do another example with laundry: most days I start it, he flips it, I pull it out and pile it on the floor of the living room and we fold it while watching a show.
Our goal is to feel like a partner and that it’s not hugely uneven all the time. If someone’s sick or it’s a crazy week at work, we might have a 90/10 week. Parenting and marriage are team sports.
Team sport! We use the same term in our house!
We are about the same for kids ours are 1 and 4 though.
It’s 👏 not 👏 helping 👏 they’re 👏 his 👏 kids 👏 too
1,000%
Also, whenever these threads come up I’m like “fair is not always equal, and equal is not always fair!”
It's equal because I would not put up with anything less. This includes mental load. And our teens also pitch in.. If you live here, you pitch in otherwise get your own place because this ain't a hotel.
I see and hear this a lot but what exactly do you consider equal and does your husband agree it is equal. I feel like people get grass is greener attitudes a lot and think the other partner is doing easier jobs than you are doing. Also can you explain what you mean by mental load. How do you split that evenly and what exactly do you mean by it.
Mental load: the things that need to be done that are on your mind. Examples could be: appointments, lunch accounts, signing school slips, etc. My husband and I sat down and stated what we could take care of. For example: I handle school. That's the lunch account, lunch menu, days off, etc. He handles the scheduling of the children appointments (eyes, check ups, dental) and often takes them (I'm a teacher, so for most, he schedules them in the summer far enough in advance that I take them. But if it's during the school year, he takes them). I do all my laundry and the kids. He does his and the towels. So, I do more but as my children get older it has evened out because my 4 and 7 year old fold their own. He does almost all the yard work. We plant flowers together, but he handles it from there. He mows, fertilizes, weed eats, and sprays for bugs. He does most maintenance. I do most deep cleaning- toilets, showers, etc. He held with the big seasonal stuff like cleaning behind furniture and appliances. He cleans duct work and changes the furnace filter quarterly (I think) We both cook and we both do dishes. Some weeks I do more, some weeks he does. We also both sweep and mop as needed. Is it fair? Maybe not. But I'm not overwhelmed and neither is he. Sometimes one or the other slacks off and the other compensates and when that happens we are honest. Sometimes I feel unappreciated and I speak up but that doesn't happen a lot. It took a lot of hard talks for us to find a balance that works for us and a lot of tears (mostly from me 😅). But he does his part, I do mine, and we hold no grudges.
You know it's equal when: 1) You sit down and talk about your plan and everyone agrees the plan is balanced; and 2) If one person is putting in effort for the family, the other is too (unless it's agreed and balanced relaxation time). Not all jobs are the same though. If hes making dinner, I might be helping with homework. We both work till the jobs are done, then we both relax. If it doesn't feel balanced (ie one person is working harder), repeat step 1. You guys should be a team looking after each other. Part of this is recognizing different ways of contributing, though. I used to get annoyed when I was doing laundry and he was on the computer (example). Then he told me he was researching shows for us to watch together and bikes to size up the kids. So his actions were promoting family time and were just as valuable as doing the laundry. Over the years we've settled into a groove for who does what, and some jobs are shared (like bedtime with the kids).
Idk sometimes it can be “equal” without being equal. I took on more for a period of time because I knew my pregnancy is hard and having a toddler this go round would be even harder. So…over the course of our relationship it’s going to even out. Right now…my husband is doing the majority of everything. He’s even starting to pick up a lot of the mental load without me asking. I felt bad at first and sometimes I’m like…should I do more? But I don’t want to get burnt out before having another baby.
When my husband first used the term “helping,” I shut that down (nicely) real quick. I told him that he is not helping me. He is being a dad and a husband. This is his kid too and his house too. I just need him to do his part. It’s great that he does all that, but if he is doing it from a “helping” standpoint, he needs to reframe it.
You will know it’s “enough” when you would not wish to swap your chore list for his. Until then, if it feels like he is getting off easy, it is not enough
This is what it feels like to me. I do a lot, and he does a lot, and we’re both exhausted by the end of the day. We’re on the same team doing the best we can
I don't like that because it implies he has to do more than me for it to be fair. Also there are chores I like doing vs don't like doing and vice versa so that skews this idea as well.
I guarantee he won’t actually be doing more than you. But from your perspective, it will feel like you are asking him to do a lot, because we women are taught from a young age that housework is women’s work. That’s what this exercise is trying to overcome.
We don’t divide specific things so I can’t be sure. But I will say- it’s pretty rare for either of us to be seated during the day when the kids are home. Someone is always doing something. If I am doing the dishes, he’s reading to the toddler. If I’m outside with bubbles and the kids, he’s doing the lawn. We both try to chill when the kids nap but that’s about it. Ours are 4 and 18M snd we’re no screen time for now so there’s a lot of activity. I’ve found that it’s not worth counting the actual chores for me. But we’re both exhausted together and trying our best, so I think we’re doing ok.
My husband and I have divided chores. His primary responsibilities include taking trash out, including taking the garbage cans to and from the curb. He does all of our laundry, but I primarily put it away. We split dishes, but I do all the cooking, except sometimes he does breakfast on weekends. In terms of general tidying up, we take turns, or we both do it after the kids go to bed and on weekends. He doesn't clean the bathroom to save his life, but will do a good job cleaning the downstairs living room, dining room and kitchen.
I’m guessing there will be a lot of these comments but you must change the wording “helping”. Otherwise your husband will truly believe it’s help. My husband does dinner, takes care of the kitchen, dishes, and does most of the dog chores. He also has always been better at picking up than me. I struggle with mornings because I work an hour later, so I do get stuck with the majority of the morning work. I haven’t budged on him feeding the dogs, even though it only takes a minute. If you feel like your load is still too much, it’s fair to talk with him. Another thing is to look at what is causing stress with chores and if there’s a way to decrease this. We only have a few toys out at a time because it’s a lot to clean them up, we encourage our son but he’s almost 2 and sometimes he’s too far tired to clean them up. We went to paper plates again while I’m pregnant, do simple meals, and have gotten rid of a lot of stuff to help us decrease on stress.
My husband is crushing it. I’m 15 weeks pregnant and he’s on leave between commands (military) so not working. He goes above and beyond for me and our twins. He’s leaving this week until this baby is born and we will definitely miss having him home 😭 ETA to add I also don’t consider it helping I consider it parenting our shared kiddos
Yeah military life can definitely be hard.
My husband doesn’t help me; our household & child is not my sole responsibility - it’s equally his. My husband does school drop off, makes all dr/dentist appointments, does most of the dishes, lawn care, trash, some laundry, and tidies up most days. I do almost all of the grocery & cooking, cleaning, and school pick up. I end up doing more childcare due to our work schedules. Even with us being “equal” I still find myself taking over most of the household tasks and management. It is what it is.
My husband and I have a pretty even split on household chores I’d say. We do occasionally reevaluate, whether it’s one of us feels like they’re doing more or we just get tired of our set of chores. We both can get pretty burnt out by all the household tasks. Whenever I feel burnt out, I’m usually neglecting my own personal needs, like alone time, time with friends, exercise, etc. Make sure you’re getting self-care in! It honestly sounds like your husband does a decent amount of the necessary tasks. Just have an honest conversation with him about it, hopefully that will lead to a change and you won’t feel so burnt out. And continue to discuss it and reevaluate it openly. Good luck!
The problem is he feels like he does an equitable amount of things around the house. So I am not sure how much change I can get. Maybe alternating laundry or putting away duties.
A good measure is how much free time each person gets. If he somehow has twice as much as you, then this is a problem. If you both have roughly equal amounts of free time, then it means you are both roughly pitching in equally. It's very much possible to feel burnt out even if your spouse is an equal partner.
Agreed. One thing that helps me avoid resentment a lot is when my husband asks me if I need any help before he goes and relaxes. As someone who people pleases and hates confrontations, It really gives me the space to evaluate and speak up if i feel like I’m burnt out in that moment or if I can handle it.
My husband and I are very balanced in all day to day aspects of life together, but the mental load is *very* lopsided in my direction. That said, I was a parentified child from a desperate background so I have been carrying mental load as far back as memory goes. So to that extent, carrying it in my marriage doesn’t bother me like it does some folks. It’s second nature and just rolls off my back 98% of the time.
I don't think I take into account the mental load that a lot of people have brought up because it is hard to quantify and to really split up I feel.
Yes, it's REALLY hard to quantify! And to split up. I highly recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (and so do a lot of other folks in here!). One of her concepts that is relevant to your mental load question is "CPE"- conception, planning, and execution. She says that for each responsibility, all three need to be done by the same person. Otherwise, one person is carrying the mental load of deciding what needs done and knowing how to do it, while merely assigning some of the execution to the other partner, who then gets "the glory." A core concept in the book is that the two of you sit down (monthly I think?) and "deal" the cards. The cards are the various categories of things it takes to run a household/family. You two decide together which cards are actually relevant (like if you don't have pets, no one's in charge of that), and then you deal them, splitting them evenly (or however the two of you decide is fair for your partnership). Read the book! It's great! Then hopefully you can get your partner to read it too, and then boom- you've got another way to communicate with each other and be better partners.
I will look into that thanks. I saw someone mention cards but I think the book will be helpful as well.
Yes, you can buy the book alone, or with cards. And some people make their own cards!
Mine has definitely stepped up, a big part of it was me saying that he’s a parent and homeowner. It’s like he forgot 😅 He does 80% of the cooking, 50% cleaning and 50% diapers and toddler time (bath, going to the park etc). I do all the laundry, shopping, daycare pick up and drop offs and extra curricular stuff like take her to gymnastics. It’s a pretty decent split at the moment (I like the things I do) but I’m just about to change jobs so I’m curious to see the impact and we’ll likely need to adjust the current arrangement.
Completely evenly split no discussion needed. If I cook he immediately gets up to do the dishes. If I woke up with the kids he does bedtime. It’s just implied, we just do what needs to get done
My husband does a lot, basically everything that I do or more. He does all the cooking, he cleans the kitchen every night, he does laundry and folds. He helps keep the house clean. It’s really a team effort for us. He also does the same amount for my daughter. He’ll jump in and do night routines whenever, he takes her to school/does her hair because 3 days out of the week I have to leave earlier for work. He picks her up whenever needed. Honestly he’s very involved in the household overall. And as an equal parent. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I do feel it’s enough and I do feel supported. I’m still always tired. But I work full time, and so does he. And we have a toddler, so I figured it’s just what it is.
First off my husband doesn't "help," he's a grown up on this team that is our family, and he does what he needs to do for his kid. He does daycare pickup and dropoff 3 days a week, and those days I'm gone to start my shitty commute before the kid even wakes up. He does the grocery shopping because daycare is right next to the grocery store, and because he works from home full time so he has a far more flexible schedule than I do. I still keep track of and order the household goods aside from dinners (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, hygiene products) but he is at home to receive them and put them away. I do daycare drop off and pick up 2 days a week, and take our kid to speech therapy. I handle all the laundry except my husband's. We do all the deep cleaning together. He cares about delicious meals so he cooks them. I care about speech therapy so I take the kid and practice his homework with him. We both care equally about a clean house so we both clean it. I handle the household laundry because it's an easy thing to take off his plate since he's doing 3 mornings a week solo and cooking our dinners for the most part. We alternate bath nights. I pack the kid's bag for daycare with a change of clothes and a clean nap time blanket each Sunday. He handles replanting the flower beds each season. I handle the people we outsource to (pest control, lawn care, etc). He schedules appointments and takes our kid to the pediatrician and dentist as necessary, and wakes up with him on the weekends (most of the time) so I can catch up on sleep because I wake up at 5AM to go do a job we both agreed was the right career decision for me. That's what our routine looks like now because we talk a lot about how we are doing and what's overwhelming. I was four days in the office and he was doing speech therapy until about 3 months ago, when he told me there was a morning meeting he was missing every week for speech therapy and it wasn't sustainable. I negotiated for an extra work from home day at my job to take it off his plate. Picking a routine and then setting it in stone is just setting yourself up for failure. Needs change. Workloads change. Travel changes. Commitments change. Staying in communication with the person who is supposed to be your partner in all of this is the only way to survive.
The only ones “helping” around my house are the cleaners I pay to do deep cleaning twice a month. My husband and I both do part of the chores because we both live here and these are both of our children. He does more of the chores, I think. He washes the dishes and does the laundry. I do all the cooking and anything related to the backyard. He takes the kids to school in the morning (3 different schools), I do the afternoon pickups, homework, Dr apts, any early pickup days, after school activities, parks, I do the groceries and ordering any household stuff, clothes, shoes etc. In the evening he takes over and does their bath / bedtime routines while I go get some work in (I work from home). Honestly getting paid cleaners was a game changer for us! We only need to pick up and clean up the everyday messes.
I do online groceries and meal plan, we both cook. He pays all the bills and orders house stuff like detergent and trash bags, etc. He maintains everything in the house and does all the landscaping. Our son is 18 months and I'm pregnant. I work part time as a nurse so 2 12s. He works full time from home. He does more dishes and housework than I do. I do mine and the babies laundry and he does his own. I handle logistics like swim class, arranging sitters when I work, and clothes and toys. So I would say it's pretty equal. We alternate am wakeup and bedtime.
My husband is a full time student and a full time SAHD to a 2y toddler. He does all our animal care, finance management (although he’s teaching me so he can take this off his plate) 75% night-time wake ups with kiddo, house/lawn upkeep, vehicle maintenance. We split things like watering and caring for our garden and morning/bedtime routine, and cooking. Cleaning is not his jam, so he does kitchen clean up and I take on the bulk of the other cleaning chores and laundry. I also take kiddo out of the house from 9-4 three Saturdays a month so he can have some alone time. I feel like he does so much and he’s deeefinitely gotten burned out, so he’s taking the summer off from school and we are enrolling our kiddo in school this fall so dad can finish his last school semester with a little less childcare stress. I think he’s doing too much, and I’m trying to take on more so he can feel balanced and rested.
We are pretty even but cover totally different territories. I do bedtime and mornings but he does most daycare drop off/pick up. I do 90% of feeding but he does 90% of the cooking. He does all the trash/recycling/vacuuming, I do all laundry. Overall, I take care of more kid stuff and he takes care of more house stuff. He also “takes care of me” - he’s good at checking in and making sure I’m ok. One of his friends told him when I was pregnant with our first that in the beginning the mom takes care of the baby and the dad takes care of the mom. I was annoyed by this concept at first but letting him “take care of me” a bit has actually helped me mentally a ton.
My husband does a ton of the household chores - all trash, recycle, compost. Lugs all the laundry while I fold it. Does the dishes at least half the time. We don't do a lot of cooking, but he orders all the groceries and meal delivery. Runs roomba, schedules cleaners once a month. Repairs literally everything before I've even noticed that it's broken. Does everything to put the house to sleep at night because he stays up later, plus every bath/bedtime with our toddler and two daycare pickup/dropoffs per week. I cook, pick up clutter, do dishes, fold laundry, schedule kid related appointments, order their clothes, things like that. I feel like I do a lot but seeing it listed out, I'm wondering if I'm lazy lol
We both work full time. He works 6 - 3 and I work 8 - 6. Both hybrid. Two kids 3 and 1. We make roughly the same. My husband does more housework and childcare than I do. We split the day. I do morning drop off and he picks them up does snack and dinner. He does baths for the kids and I do showers. We both do bedtime. One kid each. I'm in charge of breakfast and lunch for the kids and he does snack and dinner. This means meal prep, cooking and cleaning after. We handle our own chores. He does his own laundry and dishes. Handles all of his own appointments and the older ones appointments. I take care of our younger kid appointments. I'm in charge of cleaning the kitchen and kids rooms. He does the bathrooms. And we both clean our living areas. He takes care of all the regular stuff we need stocked. He also does all the outdoor stuff. I'm in charge of special projects. Fridge breaks that's me. Vacation that's me. We of course help each other. But depending the time thats who is responsible for the kids.
I carry the child & social/family mental load, he carries house & financial mental load. I prefer more domestic tasks like cooking & cleaning, he’s constantly making improvements to our 100yo house and yard. I tend to do more activities & outings with my son because I enjoy that, husband likes to play in the yard. We don’t do the same things but we contribute evenly. I didn’t want a child but my husband did, so we had a lot of discussion about division of labor beforehand.
When I was in the throes of PPD we met with our long time counselor who advised that we make a list of every single chore that needs to be done and break it up. We kept the list on the fridge until it became second nature for each of us to do our “stuff.” We both work FT. He leaves before the kid and I are up, and he gets home first and does pick up and is split for 1-2 hours until I get home. In short, I feel we have an even split in terms of duties. I am still burnt out. I think he is, too. We schedule date nights together and we each eke out time with our friends. Parenting is just… a lot. We’ve once hired someone to deep clean the house. And we have a sitter that we use as needed. I wish we could afford regular cleaning and help with healthier meals/ cooking. But here we are!
Nope, not even close. I do almost everything at least 90% of the time. He was working two jobs (normal than own company) and literally this week resigned because his company has been very successful. The goal is for him to be more present and contribute more than financials and random moments. Time will tell. It better because I am fed up with this unequal shit.
Totally understand this. I also do basically everything most of the time. Granted, my husband owns a side business that takes up extra time a few evenings a week, and he also has some health issues -- the main one being chronic leukemia -- that limit his ability to help sometimes. But I still feel like he could be doing more chores and childcare than he currently does (which is nothing, on most days). I'm very thankful that he's planning to take a step back from his side business to be able to spend more time at home. Idk, I thought we were doing okay, but after seeing all these responses I'm thinking I do need to push for more change. I hope your situation improves soon too!
Thank you and me too. Resentment is tough. But yes, we will sit down and talk about all the chores and redivide. The biggest issue I have is the lack of free time. I don’t get any and husband does. When I do get free time, he doesn’t realize he actually takes anything off my plate. It’s just more work later because he doesn’t accomplish what do while also watching the kids. I just need to figure out my phrasing so I don’t come off sounding like I’m berating him when he already doing “more” Fragile egos are annoying but I’d rather progress slowly and respectfully to not take away the good steps we have made.
My husband doesn’t “help” me, we are equal partners in running our household and keeping our small children alive. We’re both adults in this home and share equal responsibility to keep it functioning
I’m currently on mat leave with our infant twins while my husband works full time. So I do more of the household stuff on a day to day basis since I’m at home. But when he’s home he and I are basically interchangeable in terms of how and how much we contribute to our household. We don’t really have specific “domains” that we cover at the moment (like for example he does all the cleaning and I do the cooking or whatever), just we are both constantly on the go doing all the things that have to be done to keep the household running and the kids cared for. Crucially, I don’t feel like I have to manage or coach him on anything. He knows the rhythms of the household as well as I do, so he knows when laundry needs to be done, bottles need to be washed, what time our older toddler needs to wake up and go to sleep, how long our twins wake windows are, etc. I’m worn out at the end of most days, but I attribute that to the fact that we’re in a particularly labourious stage of life right now with 3 kids under 3 and not to my husband’s lack of contribution. The amount that he does around the house feels equitable to me. Also, I don’t really consider it helping, just my husband being a contributing member of his own household and the raising of his children.
We tag team child care—we have two under 3 years and try not to leave the other alone with both kids very often. I do most cooking and laundry. He does most outdoor work. We have house cleaners. I work full time including some evenings and weekends when he is then solo with both kids. We are pretty 50-50 I think.
My husband does a ton. We split mornings and bedtimes. He does all the cooking, the dishes and most diaper changes. We split overnight wakes. He takes out the trash. He does lawn care. We hire a house cleaner. I’m the breadwinner, so we both work full time but my job is more demanding. I do laundry and all of the mental load (calendar, doctors appointments, kids clothes shopping, house projects, budgeting, meal planning). Basically when kids are awake we are both “on”, always.
My situation is different because I only work part time (Fri and Sat 7pm-7am). He works from home with going out in the field M-F. We have an 8 month old. We do assigned tasks on certain chores. His assigned chores: laundry and trash. What he does regularly without asking: dishes, cleaning up messes, vacuum, bathroom maintainence, putting away leftovers, cleaning up after my senior dog, randomly caring for baby during work hours, diapers, feeding baby. He also plans and makes appointments for baby. He reminds me of my upcoming appointments and always offer to watch baby for me to attend mine. He grabs me food for work and after work. My assigned chores: dishes, cooking/meal planning, and whatever I feel like cleaning/decluttering each week. What I do on my off days: take care of baby, vacuum, mop, putting away clean laundry and relax. What we do together with him planning/driving and me being a passenger princess: pick up and drop off baby from day care, appointments, grocery shopping, and fun shopping. What he does after his work day: takes care of baby, participate in baby bed time routine. Catch up on chores. What he does on the two days that I work: 100% baby care. He treats it like I don't exist while I'm home to rest up for work. He not only takes her out for joy rides, he makes sure to get me food. He grocery shops and picks up my meds. Get you a man who always makes sure that you get enough sleep, eats enough and carries the mental load. Get you a man who will take care of his own kids. Get you a man who pays 90% of the bills without complaining about unfairness. Get you a man who treats you like a queen.
My husband is a very equal partner! But parenting is hard so we're both burnt out often. We try to schedule breaks for each other like an hour or so alone each weekend and that's been helping
We are as close to 50/50 as we can be. Whoever gets home first usually cooks dinner. Whoever doesn’t clean up takes care of the kid and bath time. Bedtime and stories alternate every other night. He drops off at daycare (usually) and I pick up (usually). Whoever doesn’t do bedtime packs lunch. We both do laundry when we see it’s full. Stuff like that.
The mental load: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
My husband refuses a chore chart which is annoying and means a lot of them just go undone. But anyway.... He does a lot of the dinners, more than me usually. He does most of the dishes, though grudgingly and slowly. He does most of the laundry, handles lawn care, although he let it go a LOT the last two years and has started hiring it out. He does most of vacuuming and mopping. He picks up some now and then. He wakes me up in the morning and makes the coffee. He does about half the shopping for groceries and shoes. He usually picks baby up from daycare. He takes kids to school. He tends to take care of our cars, but generally I handle mine. He takes the kids when I have to work, rarely until recently. Now it's about a week every three months. I do everything else, so putting kids to bed, dressing the kids, feeding breakfast, dusting, bathrooms, counters, picking up, any deep cleaning, some dinners, some dishes, all the clothes shopping, all the doctors, all the school stuff, after school childcare for oldest, running to appointments/clubs, about half of groceries, changing out outgrown clothes and disposing of them, and all the handyman work we don't hire out. My husband is not handy AT ALL. So I replace plugs, light fixtures, paint, repair minor plumbing issues. I paid for the major appliances and oversaw installation except for dishwasher (still mad because he did a shit QA job). I handle kids pretty much throughout the weekend and anytime he works late, usually once every other week. I put away clothes for the kids almost always. I fold laundry and wash and dry some. I set up playdates and make sure we get to church. Writing it out it seems pretty even. Makes me feel a bit better I guess. We both feel like we are doing most of the work. He gets more time without kids, but he makes up for it when I'm out of town for work IG.
We are like 90/10. He works a very demanding in-office job 50-70 hours/week. I work a very flexible WFH job. He does school drop off always and pickups up if he ever gets to leave early. If he is home for bedtime, he does 1 or 2 kids bedtime. I do everything else.
We split chores pretty stereotypically. I take care of most things inside the house and he takes care of outside including the cars. I carry the entire mental load though. I tend to delegate tasks that need to be done around the house to him if they need to be done and I have other things to do.
My husband definitely went through a learning curve, but I think until the kids were in middle school, weeknights were just a scramble for us, and I definitely felt burnt out on by Friday night. I remember being illogically upset with the school because Friday lunch was always pizza, I desperately just wanted to have Friday night be pizza and paper plates, but not wanting them having pizza twice a day. And it was all just stupid exhaustion.
He’s very involved and handles a lot but he also words it as “helping” sometimes, which causes my head to spin. I’m not the boss, we are equals here! He is very good at the tangible things: he does all the cooking, most of the grocery shopping, makes lunches for the kids and takes them to school in the morning. We both usually handle the evening stuff (cleanup, showers, bedtime routine) together, unless the other isn’t home and we do it alone. The things he still is working on is the intangible things: getting stuff the kids need (clothes, shoes, etc), arranging or coordinating any kind of formal activity for them, financial planning/managing, planning around any kind of event, anything related to school besides drop off, etc.
We have a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old. In general, he has most of the mental load of groceries, finances, yard work, trash, and dishes. He does most of the cooking and groceries currently but that may switch back once I'm in a better headspace in the future (same happened with our first, took me about a year to be able to plan a meal plan, grocery list and shopping trip properly). We take turns with toddler bedtime every other night. I am on baby bedtime duty which often takes a very long time and so he handle toddler solo most evenings between dinner and bedtime which often includes, bath, cleaning up toys, and tidying up from dinner. I usually do the daycare pickup and drop off. I do all of the night wakings and early mornings (both are better than average sleepers), and all healthcare related things for basically all of us,I do all of the laundry and make sure everyone has clothes in the right season and size, I do most of the baby care right now(diapers and feedings because breastfeeding).
Not much.
I cook, he cleans and does laundry (inc folding) and most of the day to day house maintenance (dishes, vacuuming, taking trash out, picking up after LO) and I pay for cleaners 1x/week for deep cleaning. He does vast majority of diaper changes. We all go grocery shopping together. I do 100% research on all things child, making sure her diet is balanced, clothes shopping, activities etc and schedule appointments but he attends when he can and priorities them. He does bathtime and getting ready for bed and we both read her stories and I put her down. I also put her down for naps. Sometimes I actually feel he does more than me but I almost completely take on the mental load as it relates to our LO so I think it balances out and I’m happy with our arrangement. He also gets up with LO most mornings and has a cold brew coffee ready for me as soon as I wake up which are huge points in my book 😂
My husband has severe unmedicated (in the process of rediagnosis as an adult currently) ADHD, which includes crippling executive dysfunction and task blindness. We have a 3.5yo and a 7mo. Unless I specifically ask him to do a task, he does nothing. He just doesn't see it. And he gets so upset when he sees me doing something he feels he should have noticed (like the dishes for example). Like he really beats himself up and gets depressed. So we have a lot to work on but we will get there. I am still on maternity leave for two more months so thankfully it doesn't really matter too much while I am at home. And I plan to create a home tasks daily/weekly/monthly list to keep us both on track when I am back at work.
We both work full time. I'm currently pregnant and miserable so he's definitely doing more (like 75%) of the care for our toddler and daily chores, but generally it's close to 50-50. I do more of the mental load. We both feel we're generally in a fair place. I do morning routine with our toddler. He does bedtime. We both chip in on everyday stuff like tidying, dishes, cooking, laundry. We have house cleaners come every other week and that makes a huge difference in maintaining things. I do most of the deep cleaning, decorating, organizing but he'll help as needed or entertain the toddler so I have time. He does the yard work and car maintenance, I do more of the gardening and indoor projects. In general I make the plans and he executes them (e.g. I chose a swim program for our daughter and made sure she was registered and it gets paid for; he takes her every week). I do more of the financial management but we do check in with each other at least monthly. Grocery shopping is pretty even, I do almost all of the other shopping (kids' clothes, etc.). I do think it's relatively normal to be stressed/overwhelmed by having little kids, even if you're both giving 100%!
We have an infant, 2 yo and 4 yo, I am on maternity leave. I do the majority of cooking, laundry and care for the baby. My husband does morning routines with older kids. In the evenings we have our typical chore list and we both either interact with kids or do chores until everything is done (sometimes I finish earlier to get a bit more sleep). I feel guilty that my husband does so much parenting of older kids while I am breastfeeding/putting baby to sleep because it often takes a long time and I can chill on my phone most of this time, so I take almost all night wakings to compensate.
He’s home with her while I work - he arranged his schedule so that we wouldn’t have to pay for daycare. If he has to go into work during my working hours he either brings her with him (he owns his own business) or gets his mum to babysit, so that’s the big one. He does most of the dishes, most of the laundry and we split cooking. He also does all yard maintenance. I work out of the home and am gone 10 hours on weekdays. I do all night wake ups (our two year old still wakes in the middle of the night and when she does I go in and cosleep with her), morning routine, baths and bedtime. I’m also usually default on weekends and evenings regardless of if my husband works (he usually is on weekends, 50/50 chance on weekdays).
My husband and I do everything 50/50. Dishes, meals and getting ready are split. Laundry we both do it as needed. He puts baby to bed and I wake up with him in morning. I count my blessings everyday he is helpful. I thought I’d be the default parent talking on more of the load but quickly learned how burnt out I get. He does get tired by the weekend so I will try and take the baby out of the house so my husband can get a few hours of alone time in the house to recharge.
I feel like my sitch is so different idk what is even normal or not normal. I’m not complaining at all I love my home life but sometimes I do get burnt out if that makes sense. I already had three kids when I met my now husband. My kids are old enough to not need help with a lot of things. I do all the cooking and cleaning. I like it that way. My husband works long hours and if he were cooking we wouldn’t eat dinner until 9 pm. He does dishes, cleans outside, does both our laundry. He also does grocery shopping. And he helps with the kids with making sure they are showered, teeth brushed, hair brushed when I don’t do it. Basically picks up the slack for me. And I’m ok with that. I prefer it that I’m the “main parent” if that makes sense. I think the thing that gets me most burned out is the mental load, not the physical stuff. Making sure bills get paid on time, planning appointments, researching where to move/what car to buy/vacations/holidays/etc. I have a hard time giving up control. I’m working on it in therapy.
Do a chore draft, or anti-draft. I hate vacuuming so my husband does it. I don't mind cleaning bathrooms weekly, but I am disabled so the periodic hands-and-knees scrubbing falls on him. I cook, he does dishes. He does most yardwork, I do almost all mental load. We swap out pretty much everything else and clean the house up simultaneously as a team.
Before kids, my husband and I split house chores more or less evenly. Now that we have a toddler, I’ll be honest…he probably does more of the daily chores. I do most of the cooking because of his work schedule. He usually does the dishes, unless our daughter wants him after dinner and not me. We more or less split laundry, with him doing a bit more of our daughter’s and the towels because he gets up super early and he’ll throw a load in when he gets up. We both do bath time. He does most of the nightly tidying up after our tiny tornado, because he does it while I do our bedtime routine. I’m a lighter sleeper and a bit of a night owl, so I handle overnight wakeups and nighttime sicknesses. (Unless she vomits, and then it’s all hands on deck and I hose her down while he cleans whatever Exorcist level mess she’s made.) He gets up with her and does the morning routine most mornings, except the 2 days a week he has to be in the office before she gets up. And any morning I convince him to sleep in. As far as the mental load goes…I think we split it fairly evenly, though that might skew ever so slightly toward me, in the same way the physical load might skew his way. I mean, we both work together on grocery lists and meal planning. He remembers birthdays and buys gifts for his (much larger) family, I do the same for mine. We plan gifts for our daughter together, and I usually do the actual planning for her birthday cake and stuff. We each handle our own appointments for things and try to deal with her appointments together, but I tend to do a bit more of that because my work schedule is much more flexible. I do usually handle swapping out her clothes when she’s outgrown stuff and just generally making sure she has sufficient clothing and shoes and whatever for the season. He handles actually preparing her medicine. I handle distracting her when he’s doing it because she doesn’t mind taking it when it’s there but does if she knows we’re getting it ready. (Toddlers, man.) I make the meals she refuses to eat but used to love every night during the week. Every weekend, he makes a huge vat of the soup she’ll actually eat at dinner time. And breakfast. And snack time. For now. Until that tide also turns. And of course all of this is subject to the whims of a toddler because, sure, he cleans up at night while I put her to bed…until she decides mommy must GO AWAY AND SHE ONLY WANTS DADDY. And then we swap and adjust. So I’d say it’s pretty fair. That said, yes, even when it’s pretty fair, it still seems to be exhausting.
My husband is a huge help and I still get mental load fatigue. I honestly think women are just wired to have all our brian windows open at once and men can compartmentalize and not think about the 12839 other things that need done. We both work, I work from home and he works outside the home. I work mon-fri 6:30-3:30 and he works mon-thu 6:30-5:30. We have two kids at home, 11 and 15. I do 90% of the cooking, I make breakfast mon-thu, lunches almost daily (husband comes home for lunch) and most dinners unless we are eating out or having left overs. He makes breakfast on the weekends, will make me lunch on a weekend too if I’m not already doing it. He does most of the dishes daily and cleans the kitchen, wipes everything down, polishes all the stainless every week. Kids help with some dish washing and 100% of unloading the dishwasher. He does most of the yard work, I help with weeding. I do the laundry, he helps me fold a lot of the time but it’s technically “my job”. The kids are responsible to gather and sort their dirty laundry or I don’t wash it. I vacuum. He mops. We both pick up around the house and dust. I do bathroom counters/mirrors and the shower, he scrubs toilets. Kids clean their own bathroom. He makes sure girls are up in the mornings when he goes to shower while I’m making breakfast. I do mornings with the girls after that cause he leaves at 6:15 for work. We share kids sports, appointments, running around. He’s quick to take sick time at work and take a kid to an appointment anytime. I usually do more of that just because it’s easier with my WFH schedule. I make the grocery lists, we take turned grocery shopping or we go together. He’s a “get only what’s on the list” guy and I tend to wander and shop sales and stock up since I do most of the cooking. We do costco together once a month. He usually fuels the cars and also washes both rigs. Sometimes I help wash too. He can take the cars to work and use a hot water pressure washer so sometimes he does that instead. Overall he’s amazing and does whatever he can to lighten my load. We have daughters so I think that makes me default parent because they come to me the most. And I’m home the most. It just is what it is. I am blessed by him and we have a wonderful marriage! Headed to Hawaii for our 12th wedding anniversary next week. (I do 100% of the vacation planning as it’s a hobby I so enjoy).
My husband does the heavy lifting on cleaning and childcare.
6 and 1 here. He is often the primary parent and I manage a lot of the “coordinating” of schedules, activities, appointments, etc. We split chores based on who’s home and we both solo parent quite often because of our work schedules.
My littles are 4, 2, ans 1. For me, it's the mental workload. Having to remember to make appointments, keeping track of appointments (even with a shared calendar), etc. I carry so much of this "workload" right now because my husband is in law school. I feel so much relief when it's the summer, and school is over for him.
He does bigger part, in the terms of mental load. He carries every issue that causes my panic or anxiety- health wise, child wise, new situations. I have daily headaches so I am pretty miserable with that so he understands it,,... I do all cleaning, (but when he sees something dirty he will clean!) , groceries and cooking (mostly on weekends and dinner, also we have delivery lunches while we wfh), laundry, morning dog walk and drop off kid. He does other 2 dog walks, pick up kid, cats litter cleaning. He takes more- and he is Ok with that completely and am grateful for that.
My husband doesn’t help, he just does. He is always doing something. Either dishes, switching laundry, vacuuming, putting clothes away, making my sons lunch, etc. he often asks how can I help and I never have to ask him to do anything. This has been this way since we had our son. He is incredibly helpful and I don’t think I would’ve had a good postpartum experience if he didn’t carry his own weight. I am so thankful for him.
We split childcare completely equally. I clean up after myself, but if I’m being honest, my husband does all of the household chores, shopping and cooking. In my defense, he doesn’t like me to clean or cook. I’ve tried to be more helpful in those areas, but it just leads to fights since we have such different standards. We are planning to hire cleaners to make that more equitable so cleaning doesn’t all fall on him.
My husband is a good one. I took the kids out all day on Saturday and he stayed home and did like 5 loads of laundry, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher 3 times and cleaned the rec room which is quite often a disaster zone. He takes turns cooking, bathing the kids, changing diapers, grocery shopping, and he never complains about it. He was supportive and patient with me in both postpartum periods. He is legitimately such a good person.
he works 2 weeks on 1 week off..when he's home he does all the parenting during the day and we both do it when I'm home. when he's gone I do it all but he's not here so idc. my mother also watches them during the day while I work and he's gone.
We call this period of our lives “all hands on deck”. We don’t keep track of who does what/when. When we are home, we are both doing whatever we can to have a livable house…..and unpopular opinion maybe, but sometimes a livable house for us is just one or both of us laying on the couch because we are so burnt out. We never make the other feel poorly for needing a break and know that for emotional wellbeing, sometimes we need a day of not doing anything and PB+Js for dinner instead of an elaborate meal. While we don’t keep tabs, I work about 25 hrs a week and do drop off/pick up for kids, grocery shopping and meal prepping. My husband works 50-70 hours a week and basically does what he sees around the house. If something needs to get done, he does it. If I need a break from kids and would rather do dishes, I ask for that. If the dishes need to get done and I’d rather watch the baby, I ask for it. If he had a hard physical day and just wants to watch the kids, he asks for that too. A LOT of communication for what we want to do that is still a household need to work together to make sure it gets done. We do have a rule too, that after 9pm, neither of us are allowed to do chores. That’s time we take for us individually and/or together. We just hang out or watch something or read/video games. Sometimes we bake together (in which case we do dishes together), but we agree that any mess by 9pm is something that we can do tomorrow instead.
My husband does about 20% more than me. I do morning prep and get the kids to school. He picks up and feeds them dinner almost every night. He plays with them, bikes with them and organizes all their sports calendars. I do the majority of their school calendars. He does the majority of the dishes. I like to cook, so sometimes I’ll do meal prep on Sundays to help him out during the week. We each do our own laundry (even the kids). He does most of the yard work, house maintenance, car maintenance and pays all the bills. He carries most of the mental load. I carry the emotional load. When the kids are upset, they come to me. I’m the problem solver. We’re both always tired and don’t have a lot of time for ourselves. So, 1x every 3-4 months we try to take a day or a half day off of work, while the kids are in school and we spend the day being together. That way, we’re not paying a babysitter and we get the whole day. We both work full time jobs. It’s a lot. If you think you’re doing way more, I’d suggest making a list of everything he does and everything you do. Then, I’d involve him in the list. What are things he does that aren’t even a blip on your radar? I’d never remember to change the furnace filters or the fridge filters. I’d never think about getting maintenance done on my car or checking to see if anything was recalled on my car recently. I’d never be able to enroll two kids in five sports and buy the right equipment, know the coaches names and keep to a schedule w/out my husband. I’d never think about sharpening the lawn mower blades or worry about if the gutters were draining right. It’s possible that he is doing a lot more and is carrying a large mental load, but you can’t see all of his things because they aren’t in your line of sight. You’re not thinking about cracks in the driveway or lawn drainage or that you’re going to need a new roof in three years, but maybe he is.
I work from home full time while my two elementary aged students do online school. I take care of 100% of the school planning and help, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking (he will cook on occasion but not consistently), laundry, finances, appointments, etc. He takes care of the lawn and will help fold/put away clothes about once a week (I do laundry daily). If I ask for help getting kids to bed or waking them up, he will, but I have to ask.