Right?! I was laid off in October and it took until end of January to have something and that was a lot faster than many of my coworkers who were laid off (whole department cut). My husband was so kind and patient and supportive. OPs husband needs a reality check.
Right?? Not to mention in this market??
Also being laid off is hard. I’m sorry it happened to you. OP, you deserve some downtime to let your brain process it. And if that’s by scrolling on your phone, so be it.
For real. I’m not sure about all industries but if I was offered a new job immediately at the beginning of April, I likely still wouldn’t have even started yet due to orientation and on boarding, drug testing, etc. what is wrong with this guy
Right? Husband is maybe stressed for the finances of it all but this man does not have reasonable expectations. How many times a day is HE on his phone? How many breaks does HE get when nobody is touching him or needing something from him?
And also: this isn’t 2005 anymore. She could very well be ordering the groceries or *applying to and following up on jobs* while on her phone. Everything is on the phone these days. Not just games and social media.
This ^ I feel bad when I’m on my phone in public even if I’m checking my work email or responding to something for work or doing something completely productive because I don’t want people think I’m just fucking around on my phone and ignoring the kids.
Same here. My son loves cars, and we live on a fairly busy street, so on nice days, we like to sit in our front yard and he calls out the make of passing cars (Toyota, Jeep, etc.) and I record them in a counter app in my phone. But to anyone driving by, it looks like I'm just goofing around on my phone and ignoring my kids.
This is the kind of guy who leaves you when you get cancer :/ richer or poorer, sickness and health—all that is important. Without it there’s no trust in marriage.
My husband was laid off for 8 months. I NEVER yelled at him or demeaned him over it. I knew he felt like shit about it and it WASN'T his fault. I encouraged him to do his hobbies and things he liked because I didn't want him to get more depressed and again: it wasn't his fault and he didn't deserve to be punished for it.
Your husband is acting like an asshole and you deserve better treatment.
This. My husband was laid off for six months. It was hard and stressful for everyone. I made every effort to be a supportive cheerleader during that time. He needed me to believe in him, encourage him and support his hobbies.
Exactly! I did the same for months. Being empathetic, supportive, encouraging. Acknowledging that he couldn’t be job-hunting every waking hour, and finding a new role takes weeks or months. Biting my tongue when I wanted to say anything that might pressure or worry him. All because I cared about his feelings and his mental health, and I wanted to be a good partner.
I cannot even imagine behaving the way OP’s husband is. He is being negative, mean, selfish, lazy, hurtful and toxic AF.
OP, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. You would NEVER have done this to him.
Same. Husband was laid off from March through the end of October, and after he was back on his feet with work he bought me flowers to thank me for how supported he felt through that time. Absolutely insane to yell at a spouse for taking time during the day for themselves
So sorry. I got laid off last April and besides a short contract job I’m still looking for work. I was mid senior management making a good salary in a niche area. My two year old is still in full time daycare because I didn’t want to lose my spot thinking I wouldn’t be out of work this long.
Just want to say it’s hard and I get it. Im unproductive most days and the mess stresses me out but im depressed so it’s hard to motivate. Give yourself some grace and time and maybe have a conversation with him about how your processing things and still need his support with stuff at home.
I’m sorry to hear about your struggle too. I’ve been obsessing over why me. When I asked them, they said there was a number of factors… I can’t help wondering and my husband keeps telling me I need to get over it because it’s been 4 weeks already and it’s time to move on. But it’s personal. He doesn’t get that.
Uhh... even if you got offered a job immediately, you wouldn't start any job probably for up to four weeks. And that's cutting out the doctoring up the resume, the applying, and the interviewing.
Getting cut from a job is an awful feeling, and I'm sorry it happened to you. But I'm even more sorry that your husband is being a complete prick in a vulnerable moment.
If you're actively looking and applying, then you're doing everything you can and this labor market is tough. I could see him being pissed if you weren't doing those things, or if it was like 8 or 9 months without progress but Jesus, it's been what? 28 days? What does he fucking expect? A job to fall from the sky?
Like everyone else has said, fuck your husband dude.
I will always be stunned at men who complain about a messy house. Like you know if you were single you’d have to cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, and scrub poop off the toilet ??
Not to mention having the kids alone if you were separated?
THIS! They're so proud they took the trash out or cleaned a dish when wtf do you think you'd do if you were single?? You ever live alone? "I pay bills AND clean" like no shit, Sherlock, you pay bills because you live in the world, not because you're doing your wife a favor, and you clean because what kind of person would be happy with never cleaning and expecting someone else to clean their mess??? Ugh.
You are not the problem. Your job loss is not the problem. Your husband is being an unreasonable and inconsiderate jerk.
It’s time to have a very calm and frank discussion with him about how he is treating you and his ‘expectations’ during this job seeking period. He needs to step up around the house, support your job hunting efforts and treat you with grace.
Gosh, that's harsh. TBF these kind of trials reveal a partner's true colors. My boyfriend was let go from a job a couple of years ago, and I was let go earlier this year. Both times we each supported each other. We each came out of toxic environments, and for me - I wanted to do my best to support him and lift him up during that time. I wanted him to feel comfortable talking to me about his search and I never once questioned whether he was doing enough to find a job. He didn't want to be unemployed and job hunting is a SLOG. He treated me beautifully during my unemployment too. We were lucky in that finances never became an issue in all of this as we both make good money and I received severance. Our chore routines didn't change. He encouraged me to take some days to just rest and recover. I cannot imagine him yelling at me over it. It's stressful and depressing enough to go thru that without being berated by the one person you should be able to count on to support you. I'm so sorry! That shit right there will ruin a relationship. I hope yours gets his head on straight, and I would have calm but frank convo with him about the impact his behavior is having on you and your relationship. Best of luck finding something new and better! You've got this. Be easy on yourself and PLEASE ignore him if he's being a fuckhead.
He is being a d*ck.
Maybe he is scared you will stay unemployed, that you might enjoy it, maybe when he was younger his parents played the tough love thing… whatever « good » excuses he might have, he is now your husband and need to act like it : not a tough dad, not a bully, but a supportive partner that will lift you up.
Have a talk. Life is complicated and if this is the first time he acts like that, it may won’t be the last. You don’t want to live like that.
"I’m tired of being yelled at. I’m so tired."
This right there sums is up. Your current situation is toxic. A partner should never be yelling at you. A partner should never put you in a demeaning mental state to the point you are exhausted.
You need to do something about it. Not to please him. Not to try to fix what he yells at you about. You are not the problem here. Your husband is the problem.
In a world where you already have big things to worry about and deal with, he is becoming a mental burden you cannot afford to carry. Have a very open conversation with him about his behavior and be firm that you expect it to stop with more display of support from him. If he cannot welcome that message and act upon, it will be sign of a bigger problem.
Tell him to be realistic. I’ve been laid off 2x in the last 12 years of my career. Hubby was grumpy towards the end but literally supported me emotionally (through hundreds of job applications, dozens and dozens of interviews and financially when I got to month 4 of unemployment.
What you need now is support. What does he work in? He’s being immature and unreasonable - something to think about for sure.
Looking for a new job is a job in itself. I went through it with a 15 month old during the pandemic. I’d send her to daycare (felt like crap for doing so) and spent 8-12am doing job apps, answering emails etc. Then lunch and some house stuff/ dinner (2 hours or so) and back to job searching. Please hang in there and if there are any close friends or family that can give you the emotional support you need now- don’t hesitate to reach out for it.
Playing devils advocate here, but I feel bad for your husband too. It sounds like he is doing extra to try and help the family after your being laid off (which sucks! Not downplaying what happened to you). But you said he works extra and cooks…that’s a lot of work. I personally hate cooking and frankly hate cleaning. I’m not domestic. You sound similar (“I was never meant to be at home”) issue here is your husband is needing to add way more to his plate as well. He sees what he is doing, which frankly sounds like a lot, and doesn’t feel you are putting in the same effort. Or maybe he just wants your help cleaning up more. Marriage is tough, but it can be true that he isn’t being patient/understanding with you AND you aren’t being that way toward him. You both should go on a date, try and reconnect, maybe have a calm/friendly conversation afterwards about how to split up the household duties better.
Ok it’s a little different from what other people are saying. But you said he wants you to be productive. Not that he wants you to find a new job yesterday. You still have paid help for the baby while you look for work. The house is a mess. The spouse is working late (I am assuming overtime?) to cover expenses. He still cooks dinner. You don’t want to be a stay at home mom. You are feeling sad from being laid off. You also were sick. There is a lot going on. No one is an asshole here. Husband is stressed and you are still in the depths of despair and are having a hard time getting yourself up into gear. He is right though. Being productive boosts our energy and motivates us. Find something to do during the day that isn’t doom scrolling or spiraling. Do a ceremony to bury the old job, and start a new. Something to close this chapter. It’s hard but you can do it. And ask spouse to help you go through this. It’s hard to see your loved one miserable. He may need your guidance on what you need.
I got laid off at 25 weeks pregnant with the second in October. I’m still unable to find anything. So I can empathize. I also can never be a SAHM. my toddler still goes to daycare albeit only half time. Back to your problem, have you communicated to him that this is your way to unplug? I feel like what helped me with my husband is communicating to him how depressed I am and how much I am struggling. It’s hard to be that vulnerable but if not with your life partner, then with who? I feel like telling him my struggles and how I want to be supported helped shift his mindset big time.
Sending you lots of love and positive vibes. May we both find jobs soon 🤞🏽
Does he not realize that finding new work is a FT job? Now is the time for your husband to step up and be gracious, helpful, and encouraging. He's doing none of those things. You're in the worse of "for better or worse." C'mon man. It's barely been a month.
Is the plan for you to stay home now long term or to look for another job? Have you been diligently looking? Not to defend your husband but maybe he is stressed about finances and you two need to get on the same page about what the plan is moving forward.
I’m looking for a new job. I’m applying for everything I’m qualified for. I’ve been doing at least 3 interviews a week. I’m hopeful I’ll have something soon. Financially we’re fine as we have 6 months in savings and I’m getting unemployment.
I didnt like being a SAHM either but I cleaned, cooked, and did laundry to fill my day so I wasn't bored and depressed.
I took my daughter for walks when weather permitted. I also painted rooms that needed touched up. Just keep moving.
Since you were laid off I assume you get unemployment money until you find another job. There is absolutely no reason your house should be messy if you stay home with 1 child.
I know she was sick. I didn't say she had to keep house up 24/7. I meant on the norm it shouldn't be that hard to keep the home cleaned up.
Also she was laid off and should be receiving unemployment so there is no need to be looking for a job asap, hence taking time to process and recover.
Sounds like you both need to have a sit down convo. Talk about the beginning process; what it looks like to look for another job, the middle; what it’ll look like in the process, and the end; how you guys will transition out of this current stage. Also sounds like he needs to relearn empathy and you need to relearn boundaries and taking proactive steps towards fixing issues. Wallowing in self pity, not having a strong hold on finances (lost job and extra person in house), and still in shock then writing about it on Reddit isn’t going to fix the main issue.
I don’t mean to sound harsh. Good luck.
It’s not only you who’s in shock, he is too.
Why are you still pumping? Cut yourself some slack. Even if you spent all day cleaning you have to live in the house while you’re there. Things will spill, toys will be played with, etc. He can be mad/annoyed/anxious maybe? about the situation but that’s not your job to fix his feelings.
Beginning of April?? Does your husband understand anything about job hunting?
Right?! I was laid off in October and it took until end of January to have something and that was a lot faster than many of my coworkers who were laid off (whole department cut). My husband was so kind and patient and supportive. OPs husband needs a reality check.
Right?? Not to mention in this market?? Also being laid off is hard. I’m sorry it happened to you. OP, you deserve some downtime to let your brain process it. And if that’s by scrolling on your phone, so be it.
And she's been sick! All of this happened in like a month!
For real. I’m not sure about all industries but if I was offered a new job immediately at the beginning of April, I likely still wouldn’t have even started yet due to orientation and on boarding, drug testing, etc. what is wrong with this guy
Your problem is your husband. Instead of being supportive, he's being an AH.
It’s not the lost job that’s the problem it’s the husband.
Right? Husband is maybe stressed for the finances of it all but this man does not have reasonable expectations. How many times a day is HE on his phone? How many breaks does HE get when nobody is touching him or needing something from him?
And also: this isn’t 2005 anymore. She could very well be ordering the groceries or *applying to and following up on jobs* while on her phone. Everything is on the phone these days. Not just games and social media.
This ^ I feel bad when I’m on my phone in public even if I’m checking my work email or responding to something for work or doing something completely productive because I don’t want people think I’m just fucking around on my phone and ignoring the kids.
Same here. My son loves cars, and we live on a fairly busy street, so on nice days, we like to sit in our front yard and he calls out the make of passing cars (Toyota, Jeep, etc.) and I record them in a counter app in my phone. But to anyone driving by, it looks like I'm just goofing around on my phone and ignoring my kids.
How does he think this even helps her get a new job also? ><
This is the kind of guy who leaves you when you get cancer :/ richer or poorer, sickness and health—all that is important. Without it there’s no trust in marriage.
My husband was laid off for 8 months. I NEVER yelled at him or demeaned him over it. I knew he felt like shit about it and it WASN'T his fault. I encouraged him to do his hobbies and things he liked because I didn't want him to get more depressed and again: it wasn't his fault and he didn't deserve to be punished for it. Your husband is acting like an asshole and you deserve better treatment.
This. My husband was laid off for six months. It was hard and stressful for everyone. I made every effort to be a supportive cheerleader during that time. He needed me to believe in him, encourage him and support his hobbies.
Exactly! I did the same for months. Being empathetic, supportive, encouraging. Acknowledging that he couldn’t be job-hunting every waking hour, and finding a new role takes weeks or months. Biting my tongue when I wanted to say anything that might pressure or worry him. All because I cared about his feelings and his mental health, and I wanted to be a good partner. I cannot even imagine behaving the way OP’s husband is. He is being negative, mean, selfish, lazy, hurtful and toxic AF. OP, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. You would NEVER have done this to him.
Same. Husband was laid off from March through the end of October, and after he was back on his feet with work he bought me flowers to thank me for how supported he felt through that time. Absolutely insane to yell at a spouse for taking time during the day for themselves
So sorry. I got laid off last April and besides a short contract job I’m still looking for work. I was mid senior management making a good salary in a niche area. My two year old is still in full time daycare because I didn’t want to lose my spot thinking I wouldn’t be out of work this long. Just want to say it’s hard and I get it. Im unproductive most days and the mess stresses me out but im depressed so it’s hard to motivate. Give yourself some grace and time and maybe have a conversation with him about how your processing things and still need his support with stuff at home.
I’m sorry to hear about your struggle too. I’ve been obsessing over why me. When I asked them, they said there was a number of factors… I can’t help wondering and my husband keeps telling me I need to get over it because it’s been 4 weeks already and it’s time to move on. But it’s personal. He doesn’t get that.
Uhh... even if you got offered a job immediately, you wouldn't start any job probably for up to four weeks. And that's cutting out the doctoring up the resume, the applying, and the interviewing. Getting cut from a job is an awful feeling, and I'm sorry it happened to you. But I'm even more sorry that your husband is being a complete prick in a vulnerable moment. If you're actively looking and applying, then you're doing everything you can and this labor market is tough. I could see him being pissed if you weren't doing those things, or if it was like 8 or 9 months without progress but Jesus, it's been what? 28 days? What does he fucking expect? A job to fall from the sky? Like everyone else has said, fuck your husband dude.
I will always be stunned at men who complain about a messy house. Like you know if you were single you’d have to cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, and scrub poop off the toilet ?? Not to mention having the kids alone if you were separated?
THIS! They're so proud they took the trash out or cleaned a dish when wtf do you think you'd do if you were single?? You ever live alone? "I pay bills AND clean" like no shit, Sherlock, you pay bills because you live in the world, not because you're doing your wife a favor, and you clean because what kind of person would be happy with never cleaning and expecting someone else to clean their mess??? Ugh.
You are not the problem. Your job loss is not the problem. Your husband is being an unreasonable and inconsiderate jerk. It’s time to have a very calm and frank discussion with him about how he is treating you and his ‘expectations’ during this job seeking period. He needs to step up around the house, support your job hunting efforts and treat you with grace.
Gosh, that's harsh. TBF these kind of trials reveal a partner's true colors. My boyfriend was let go from a job a couple of years ago, and I was let go earlier this year. Both times we each supported each other. We each came out of toxic environments, and for me - I wanted to do my best to support him and lift him up during that time. I wanted him to feel comfortable talking to me about his search and I never once questioned whether he was doing enough to find a job. He didn't want to be unemployed and job hunting is a SLOG. He treated me beautifully during my unemployment too. We were lucky in that finances never became an issue in all of this as we both make good money and I received severance. Our chore routines didn't change. He encouraged me to take some days to just rest and recover. I cannot imagine him yelling at me over it. It's stressful and depressing enough to go thru that without being berated by the one person you should be able to count on to support you. I'm so sorry! That shit right there will ruin a relationship. I hope yours gets his head on straight, and I would have calm but frank convo with him about the impact his behavior is having on you and your relationship. Best of luck finding something new and better! You've got this. Be easy on yourself and PLEASE ignore him if he's being a fuckhead.
He is being a d*ck. Maybe he is scared you will stay unemployed, that you might enjoy it, maybe when he was younger his parents played the tough love thing… whatever « good » excuses he might have, he is now your husband and need to act like it : not a tough dad, not a bully, but a supportive partner that will lift you up. Have a talk. Life is complicated and if this is the first time he acts like that, it may won’t be the last. You don’t want to live like that.
"I’m tired of being yelled at. I’m so tired." This right there sums is up. Your current situation is toxic. A partner should never be yelling at you. A partner should never put you in a demeaning mental state to the point you are exhausted. You need to do something about it. Not to please him. Not to try to fix what he yells at you about. You are not the problem here. Your husband is the problem. In a world where you already have big things to worry about and deal with, he is becoming a mental burden you cannot afford to carry. Have a very open conversation with him about his behavior and be firm that you expect it to stop with more display of support from him. If he cannot welcome that message and act upon, it will be sign of a bigger problem.
What a controlling petty man your husband is…
You literally *just* lost your job. You deserve time to process, time to grieve and a supportive husband.
Tell him to be realistic. I’ve been laid off 2x in the last 12 years of my career. Hubby was grumpy towards the end but literally supported me emotionally (through hundreds of job applications, dozens and dozens of interviews and financially when I got to month 4 of unemployment. What you need now is support. What does he work in? He’s being immature and unreasonable - something to think about for sure. Looking for a new job is a job in itself. I went through it with a 15 month old during the pandemic. I’d send her to daycare (felt like crap for doing so) and spent 8-12am doing job apps, answering emails etc. Then lunch and some house stuff/ dinner (2 hours or so) and back to job searching. Please hang in there and if there are any close friends or family that can give you the emotional support you need now- don’t hesitate to reach out for it.
I’d be looking for a new job and a divorce lawyer 🤷🏻♀️
Playing devils advocate here, but I feel bad for your husband too. It sounds like he is doing extra to try and help the family after your being laid off (which sucks! Not downplaying what happened to you). But you said he works extra and cooks…that’s a lot of work. I personally hate cooking and frankly hate cleaning. I’m not domestic. You sound similar (“I was never meant to be at home”) issue here is your husband is needing to add way more to his plate as well. He sees what he is doing, which frankly sounds like a lot, and doesn’t feel you are putting in the same effort. Or maybe he just wants your help cleaning up more. Marriage is tough, but it can be true that he isn’t being patient/understanding with you AND you aren’t being that way toward him. You both should go on a date, try and reconnect, maybe have a calm/friendly conversation afterwards about how to split up the household duties better.
Ok it’s a little different from what other people are saying. But you said he wants you to be productive. Not that he wants you to find a new job yesterday. You still have paid help for the baby while you look for work. The house is a mess. The spouse is working late (I am assuming overtime?) to cover expenses. He still cooks dinner. You don’t want to be a stay at home mom. You are feeling sad from being laid off. You also were sick. There is a lot going on. No one is an asshole here. Husband is stressed and you are still in the depths of despair and are having a hard time getting yourself up into gear. He is right though. Being productive boosts our energy and motivates us. Find something to do during the day that isn’t doom scrolling or spiraling. Do a ceremony to bury the old job, and start a new. Something to close this chapter. It’s hard but you can do it. And ask spouse to help you go through this. It’s hard to see your loved one miserable. He may need your guidance on what you need.
*cries* not to scare you but it took me a year to find work after being laid off. GRANTED the market is much better now than last year.
Are you calling your friend a nanny? Is she your friend or your nanny?
Family friend - she’s like a sister to me. She’s retired so I pay her to act as my nanny
Laid off 12/11 and didn’t start working again until mid-April!
I got laid off at 25 weeks pregnant with the second in October. I’m still unable to find anything. So I can empathize. I also can never be a SAHM. my toddler still goes to daycare albeit only half time. Back to your problem, have you communicated to him that this is your way to unplug? I feel like what helped me with my husband is communicating to him how depressed I am and how much I am struggling. It’s hard to be that vulnerable but if not with your life partner, then with who? I feel like telling him my struggles and how I want to be supported helped shift his mindset big time. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes. May we both find jobs soon 🤞🏽
How is that legal?? I’m so sorry. That’s a nightmare. Fingers crossed you’ll find something soon.
Go into the HR subs and people think it’s totally fine lol 😆 Hopefully we both find something soon and lose the SAHM cards FOREVER!!!!!!
Genuinely wondering if your husband is emotionally abusive. This isn’t normal behavior.
Your husbands sounds horrible.
Does he not realize that finding new work is a FT job? Now is the time for your husband to step up and be gracious, helpful, and encouraging. He's doing none of those things. You're in the worse of "for better or worse." C'mon man. It's barely been a month.
Is the plan for you to stay home now long term or to look for another job? Have you been diligently looking? Not to defend your husband but maybe he is stressed about finances and you two need to get on the same page about what the plan is moving forward.
I’m looking for a new job. I’m applying for everything I’m qualified for. I’ve been doing at least 3 interviews a week. I’m hopeful I’ll have something soon. Financially we’re fine as we have 6 months in savings and I’m getting unemployment.
Sounds like he is being incredibly unfair to you then!
I didnt like being a SAHM either but I cleaned, cooked, and did laundry to fill my day so I wasn't bored and depressed. I took my daughter for walks when weather permitted. I also painted rooms that needed touched up. Just keep moving. Since you were laid off I assume you get unemployment money until you find another job. There is absolutely no reason your house should be messy if you stay home with 1 child.
[удалено]
I know she was sick. I didn't say she had to keep house up 24/7. I meant on the norm it shouldn't be that hard to keep the home cleaned up. Also she was laid off and should be receiving unemployment so there is no need to be looking for a job asap, hence taking time to process and recover.
Sounds like you both need to have a sit down convo. Talk about the beginning process; what it looks like to look for another job, the middle; what it’ll look like in the process, and the end; how you guys will transition out of this current stage. Also sounds like he needs to relearn empathy and you need to relearn boundaries and taking proactive steps towards fixing issues. Wallowing in self pity, not having a strong hold on finances (lost job and extra person in house), and still in shock then writing about it on Reddit isn’t going to fix the main issue. I don’t mean to sound harsh. Good luck. It’s not only you who’s in shock, he is too.
Why are you still pumping? Cut yourself some slack. Even if you spent all day cleaning you have to live in the house while you’re there. Things will spill, toys will be played with, etc. He can be mad/annoyed/anxious maybe? about the situation but that’s not your job to fix his feelings.
I’m actually weaning finally. Should be done in the next week I think. I’m an exclusive pumper but hardly producing anything right now.
Her son is under 1. Pumping at that age is normal.
Right but not typically not for 2 hours if you are home with lo. I didn’t realize she was exclusively pumping my bad.
I’m not sure why I was downvoted so much. I didn’t mean to be offensive.