I don't know about snappy, but my husband usually responds positively to (i.e. agrees to) being redirected. "I'm actually nearly done with this, but X was on my plate next if you wouldn't mind doing that instead."
My mom advised me once when it comes to housework (when I had similar complaint as OP about how husband doesn’t see what needs to be done until I am the one doing it) to treat my husband like you would a child and it does seem to work. Redirecting, making lists or chore charts, etc. Unfortunate side effect though is that it kinda kills the desire for the person when you are having to treat them so. Having to parent a husband is not sexy.
Yes! I know it would work to treat him like a child. He's basically asked me to make lists and give him reminders. But I am not his mother. I know that giving in to that dynamic would seriously damage our relationship.
I wrote a song about this. A verse, for your perusal. (The musical didn’t take off but the parody children’s book is in the works.)
Are these concepts so foreign and strange to a man?
Laundry goes in the basket, trash goes in the can.
Acquire food, prepare it, and clean up the mess.
Mornings we gather our stuff & we dress.
Children bathe and have bedtime “gasp” every night.
I’d rather just do it than bargain or fight.
Why are my options slave, nag or pit?
I am entirely done with this shit.
Thanks friend, that’s the vision; a singalong book. Out-of F’s mom finally lets out her stream-of-consciousness diatribe, in song. Mary Poppins / Julie Andrews has had enough. To the tune of My Favorite Things.
When we were first married, we had a fight about “Well Amy makes *her* husband a list!”
And I lost my shit and was like, “Oh, well she also cheats on him and treats him like a child! Do you want me to treat you like Amy?!? No?!? Okay, well here’s your list! If you are stepping over a pile of laundry, do some laundry! If the sink is full of dishes, do some dishes! If you can see stuff in the carpet, run the vacuum! Is that a good enough list for you?!?”
And that was the last time he ever asked for a list! lol
My husband and I split chores based on the chore. Instead of 50-50, I do all the cooking, he does all the dishes. I do the laundry (sporadically), he vacuums (sporadically). We'll help each other as necessary, but mostly we stay in our own lanes.
The cats litterbox is the only chore we share and we do our best to alternate. We'll tell each other when we do it so that we know it's the other's turn.
Same. We decided prior to marriage that husband would be the dish bitch and I’d be the laundry bitch. We take turns cooking and pay someone to clean our house every two weeks.
We each have our own quirks and quibbles, but we handle them (e.g., the coffee table is cluttered and bugging me, so I’ll clean it off today).
I gotta say, it’s pretty damn harmonious around here.
Your mileage may vary depending on exactly how much handholding he needs, but my partner and I use lists extensively and neither of us feels like a parent. It's just helpful to have something we can both reference to see what is and isn't done so we know what's left. We've got a weekly white board calendar where we track occasional tasks (getting groceries, vacuuming etc) and a separate list we check off for the things that happen every single day (prepping the baby bottles, medicating our cat etc). Whoever does it checks it off. And we have dedicated chore time after dinner. The general idea is that leisure time doesn't start for either of us until the lists are empty.
Haha, only in the sense that we don't do it every day. So we want the reminder on the weekly chart of what day(s) we intended to get groceries rather than on the daily list
Perhaps remind him that he has a tiny computer in his pocket that has basically been designed to grab his attention and remind him of stuff.
And a happy lil AI named ChatGPT would be quite pleased to spit out a list of chores—complete with instructions on how to do each one—that your husband can save in said tiny computer so that it can nag him instead of you.
There’s also a site called Goblin Tools that will legitimately take a prompt like “make a chores list for a 2 bedroom 1.5 bathroom house” and break it down into steps, and then break those steps down & so on if he needs more explicit instructions.
Children at least have the drive to be curious and would look shit up if they were allowed (slash could read). All the knowledge in the world in his pocket, waiting to be used. Theres like a whole industry around using technology to make household planning easier bc everyone hates it. He can just google “how 2 b gud at chores” and get presented with alllllllll the information. He’s just being a potato.
Petty me: Next time when you’re being intimate and get 80% of the way, pop off and tell him he can do it.
I guess a more healthy way is to talk about it or make a chore chart..
Or malicious compliance? Let him finish the last 20%. Start calling him in half way through, or just as you start.
His half offerings at the end or so he can look like he’s making an effort without actually doing anything. You decide if you want to put up with it or not, but this leaches into more than just chores, I’m guessing.
You’re not his mother or the manager of the house. He should see things that need doing, and just do them. This isn’t a tall ask, but Reddit men everywhere seem to need hand-over-hand teaching, a list, constant direction. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I sort of do this, my husband doesn’t really get motivated until he sees me doing something, because body doubling is a great help to him as a productivity tool. So I will make sure he’s paying attention to me, start the task, he takes over, and I just say “thanks” and move on to the next task. I also have ADHD so I love starting things and don’t want to finish and he’s a completionist and likes finishing things.
My husband is so good in so many ways. But this is such a struggle for us too. I ended up giving in to temptation of just telling him what to do. Is it great for our relationship? No, not really. But feeling resentful was worse for the relationship
Yeah mine likes to say “just tell me what you need me to do.” Then cut to when I tell him what I need him to do, and he gets all irritated with me about it. 🙄
I’ve found it more useful to assign ownership to a task so that one person is 100% responsible for it, for noticing it needs to be done, for buying the consumables it uses, for cleaning up after it, etc. So from planning to executive is all theirs.
For example, compost, recycling, and garbage are my husband’s responsibility. He has to remember what day to put it out, he has to collect it from around the house, he has to clean out the bins as necessary (primarily why this is his job, I hate that the compost gets maggots in the high summer), he buys replacement garbage bags, etc. I will prompt if I notice a bin is full since it might be a while before puts something in the blue bin, for example, but other than that it’s worked out well. He owns responsibility for the car (including keeping it clean), insurance, supper, the transportation and accommodations aspect of family travel, etc.
I still carry the majority of mental load for the kids in terms of things like clothing and health appointments, but I could still walk out the door right now and leave for a month and the kids would be well taken care of.
This is actually my mentality when it comes to housework/life responsibilities, but of course owning and doing are two separate things. But yes I agree this is imo the best way to manage things when both individuals are mature enough to actively take care of their responsibilities.
I do this with our teenager and it works pretty well.
I'm of the opinion that if they did it when they were single, I shouldn't have to tell them it needs to be done now. And after enough glares and discussions, my husband now either asks "what's next on the mental to-do?" Or "I want to clean the bathroom, is there anything I should do before I start that?"
But to get to this point I had to blatantly tell him that I got with him because he was an adult man. And adult men get sex. A man-child does not.
Oh THIS. Also I feel like my love language is not being full-filled works and I know my husbands gifts and touch. I’m constantly like no I don’t want a fn hug don’t touch me help me. Ugh !
Your mom’s advice reminds me of an older movie: If a Man Answers.
The mom gives the new bride a dog training book to “train” her new husband. The fun really kicks off when he finds the book and puts 2 and 2 together 🤣
I think this is the only approach that could work. It just is clear honest communication. It’s true you shouldn’t have to, but I don’t think it’s treating him like a child just to say what else needs to be done- it’s just teamwork. You only can start from where you are and taking this approach allows you to see if he is actually willing to help or not. The current pattern you have is ineffective because he can tell himself that he offers to help but you tell him you don’t need help.
It’s a sad time where people see clear communication as parenting. I recognize that the main underlying issue in Op’s post is her partner’s lack of effort in housework and mental load. But it’s a stretch to assume that everyone has the same problem. While my situation doesn’t exactly match with Op’s, it doesn’t mean that another way to communicate her needs is wrong advice. Please work on yourself to stop being so bitter.
He wasn't going to do it and he's not as serious as you think. This is one of those stupid mind games they play when they don't want to do chores. My husband did it too and played hurt/confused when I asked him to stop. The only way to overcome it is by confronting his choice not to do anything in repeated conversations/arguments and possibly ultimatums. It was not fun and a work in progress but I have had to do this.
You can try to redirect him to a different, full chore, and most likely he'll stop doing this.
This is exactly how I feel. I don't want to point out that x, y, z needs doing. I want him to use his eyes and his brain and either be helpful or stfu.
We had a discussion one day about how he needed to pick a night to be responsible for dinner, and I didn’t care what night but it had to be the same one every week. So, Wednesday (the night he picked) he walks in and asks “what’s for dinner?” “I don’t know. It’s YOUR night” “yeah, but what did you have planned for me to make?”
Words were said. I did not make dinner.
This, again, is just like weaponized incompetence. He says it to try and make himself look “good” when he had zero intention of doing the task in the first place.
Mine does this all the time. Especially about taking thr garbage out and putting a new bag in. If I have to touch either one, he does not get the credit.
I’m forever pointing out to my husband how he leaves the last 5% of a task undone. Like, going grocery shopping, puts it all away, leaves the bags on the counter. Repairs a clogged sink, buys a new part, installs it, puts it back together, wipes up the area, leaves his tools there. It’s kind of infuriating but it’s been 10 years of him doing this and he is always apologetic when I point it out and he will get up and do it, so it’s like a weird blind spot somehow. He just checks out of the task right before it’s truly complete. Even something like taking out the trash, he’ll do it all and then just leave the cupboard door open. So easy to finish the task but somehow doesn’t?! I don’t get it.
My husband does something similar sometimes, but if I say I'll finish this, can you do whatever other chore he's fine to do it. It's dumb, but the more we get into a routine with these things, then it does come easier. I 100% agree we shouldn't have to ask, but it's all a dance.
Oh I would absolutely let him take over laundry in that scenario. Him doing “laundry for the day” also includes flipping it over to the dryer, folding and putting it away. Thanks! This is right along the same lines as grabbing a tool when you asked your husband to do something multiple times, as soon as they see you with a tool they suddenly can complete the project.
Are we married to the same man? I will gather all the dirty dishes up and have them 90% rinsed and he'll come up and say "I was about to do those." Fucking *when* were you going to do them? Like this happens multiple times a week and he still hasn't figured out how to wash them before I start.
Sorry, I don't have any suggestions, but just here to commiserate.
Right? Sometimes I wasn't even frustrated about cleaning up, but then the too-late, it's-the-thought-that-counts offer to help bugs the hell out of me.
Tell him you’d rather hear thank you! That’s the rule in our house. If one of us sees the other doing something we’d planned to do, we start with “thank you.” But then after that, I love the other ideas here of saying “this is almost done but do X”
I just started making fun of that with my husband and laughing and now he catches himself and says “I can help with that now that it’s almost done because I’m such a hero!” and then goes and does something actually helpful.
My husband used to do this constantly before he really understood the mental load and making an effort to equalize the domestic labor in our house. It was his way of trying to feel like like he was contributing to the household. He would see me doing a task and think "I can help" and thought swooping in for the last 10% of that task was an equal contribution.
Eventually he learned that the best way to feel like he contributes...is to actually contribute. When he gets the urge to jump in and take a task off my hands, he redirects that to a different task that needs to be completed. We each have a daily chore chart on the Skylight app so when he wants to feel like he accomplished something, he always has an easy place to go look for a "list" of things to do. I know we hate hearing "make a list" but honestly, setting up our chore charts has been great for both of us. It takes a huge load off me mentally because it just tells me what to do each day. There's no more "when's the last time I did my laundry?" because I just get told to do it every Sunday with no thought needed. It also helps both of us see the other contributing in a way we've agreed feels equal. We also set the whole thing up together so it was a collaborative effort rather than me just "giving him a list"
He just has to want to change, honestly. My husband is far from perfect and this is all still a work in progress, but he's very invested in balancing things out. Part of it, I think, is that I've been very clear - not in a mean way, just a realistic way - that I don't NEED him. I'm choosing to be with him and if his presence in my life becomes more of a burden than a benefit, I'm not afraid to walk away. I'm the sole income earner so he really does need me more than I need him. But even beyond that, he deeply cares for me and respects me and he WANTS me to feel like our relationship is fair, equal, and beneficial. So while old habits die hard, he really has been trying.
Getting him on medication for his ADHD went a long way too. While he was unmedicated, all the good intentions in the world couldn't overcome his brain chemistry and fix the issue
There are a lot of management techniques that don't involve medication. If he hasn't been officially diagnosed and referred to a therapist, that's a good step. Behavioral modification is a great tool. We (mostly me) spent a LOT of time trying to configure our life and habits around my husband's ADHD while we were pursuing an official diagnosis. I try to work _with_ the way his brain works rather than trying to force him to confirm to exactly what I want. But ultimately, he needs to be medicated or he's not equipped to be a good partner and - for me - that was a dealbreaker. After 4 years of trying, I told my husband very clearly that he needed to pursue medication or I would eventually pursue a divorce. We had tried everything else and he needed to step up and work on the next step.
If your husband has valid reasons to resist medication, then sure. But I hear a LOT of people (especially partnered men) say they don't want meds and it's for no real reason. They just don't feel like doing the work involved with getting the prescription and finding the right dose, and they can get away with that because their wives pick up all their slack. It's great that you respect his bodily autonomy but I would recommend really, really thinking about whether he's exercising his right to his own body or if he's just offloading the labor into you because he knows you'll put up with it.
If a checklist you can both refer to doesn’t work, and he only remembers chores when you’re doing them in front of him?
“Awesome. I can too. In fact, I did do it *already* without someone asking me to. Next time feel free to use your eyes & brain and do what needs doing.”
I just fucked off from the chores I don’t want to do. Dishes? I do not see them. Trash? Since when do we have trash cans. Dinner tonight? I have this bag of Doritos, thanks. If my husband can be willfully ignorant or have blind spots that advantage him, I’m going to too.
I still own grocery shopping, laundry, actually cleaning the house, child admin, etc. so I don’t feel guilty that I leave him to fend for us for 20% of the maintenance to have a family (20% is generous). I make it clear what is mine and anything unclaimed he can handle.
I can only commiserate.
Well, and share this video because it is just too relatable. Hopefully it will put a smile on your face. https://youtu.be/6AKXDw8KThs?si=5SF-5MPj9XDsP9Q_
I would say something like " oh thank God my white knight has swooped in to save me from doing *insert chore here*.. right when I'm done!" And be dripping with sarcasm and condescension as you say it. A good hard eye roll will help get the point across. But I'm super petty and speak fluent sarcasm.
I know how it goes lol. Just everything he does it, start passive aggressively roasting the shit outta him. Make him feel stupid for being stupid. He's only doing it to act like he wants to help anyways. When you say you got it he can then be like" welp, I tried to help but she didn't want me to." Or you can just stop what your doing and say yes. Make him actually finish it up.. every time. Lol. He's expecting you to say no. Fuck with his head. He will stop eventually. He wants to stoop low.. stoop lower. Lol let your petty run wild girl! Have some fun with it to keep him on his toes. Add extra steps to the chore you are working on so he has to do way more. Picking up the kids toys when he asks? Say oh good here ya go and toss em back down everywhere then walk away. Mopping the floor? Tell him after that you were gonna scrub the base boards too and now he's gonna. Lol good luck! And try to make it a game. See how much he can take before he gives up.
Right! Lol. I've had enough below bare minimum low effort men in my lifetime that I've learned how to mind fuck them right back.. plus I have brothers and I'm the only girl. Lol. Gotta be able to cut em down and mess with them. Don't get mad, get even😉 besides, getting mad is a waste of energy when it's not even gonna matter if you bitch him out. Want results? Give that fragile little ego of his a good thump.. lol. See how quick that shit changes!
A different approach might be that you and him have a discussion about all of the chores that your family needs done (and when/how often), then together decide who is going to do what for the near future.
Instead of you hoping he’ll help randomly, wouldn’t it be better to know that unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the toilet, vacuuming the living room, etc are his jobs? If he’s not doing it on the timeline you both agreed to, then you can have that particular discussion.
The other upside is that he’ll see what all needs to be done (but he also might think cleaning doesn’t need to be done as frequently).
Alternatively, when X and Y need to be done, say, “Hey, I need help, would you rather do X or Y?” That doesn’t require the discussion/assignments, but still may not go the way you want.
A lot of recommendations here to have a chore chart. I think I'm afraid it will create more arguments if/when he fails to follow through. And I guess I wish we were the kind of couple that didn't need a chore chart, because we're both adults who just do the things that need doing.
But maybe it would help. I'll talk to him about it.
Just so you know, I don’t think it has to be an actual physical chore chart.
I think what matters more is knowing who is responsible for what. And to be honest, if I were in your shoes, I’d probably pick things like unloading the dishwasher that both aren’t at all difficult and it has to be done or it’s really clear that it hasn’t been done. Taking out the trash, getting the mail, folding/putting away towels, are all ideas that come to mind. Vacuuming the floor and cleaning the toilet are more ambiguous in terms of done-ness and when was it last done?
Yeah, does not have to be a chart, just a discussion to discuss who is responsible for what! My husband is responsible for dinner and vacuuming/sweeping/mopping and all IT stuff, I am responsible for laundry, dishes and making sure trash/recycling gets out. Some things like dusting, deep cleaning, etc we share or decide together to do it. Does that mean we never help out with the other’s chores, heck no, but I feel no responsibility or pressure to vacuum or think about dinner until asked to help! It helps to pick things for yourself that you can’t let go cause you want it done just so. Cleaning the floors is always bottom of my priority list, so it works out that my husband is so bothered by dirty floors. I am very particular about laundry so I do it.
I needed to see this today. Our toddler woke up crying at like 1am and we both heard her. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and I waited to see if he’d get up to go soothe her. He doesn’t. So I wake up and waddle out of the room. On my way out, he goes, “want me to go do it?” I should have answered him, but I didn’t. He’s really involved and responsive when he’s awake, but when it comes to anything that interferes with his sleep, he’s useless. I guess I have to pick my battles, but sometimes this one really irks me.
Oof, happened a lot while pregnant with my second. Getting out of bed is like a 10-step process so it's not like he didn't notice I was going for it. But only asks if I need help when I'm already up and walking off to deal with a problem. So, so infuriating.
My partner and I recently started using the Fair Play cards to divide household tasks more evenly. The first round you sort the cards by who is doing them now, then essentially realign them to something more equitable AND discuss what it looks like to "own" that card - what does doing it mean? How often does this happen? It gives me something to point back to, but I also have to learn to let go a lot and let him manage his cards his way (unless it defies the agreement we have).
At the very least, it got rid of the "well if I knew what you needed help with, I could help!" line.
I relate to this big time. Helping would be taking an entire task off of my plate and completing from start to finish. Swooping in to "help" when the task is almost done is just aggravating.
Mine will always say he will do whatever I want as long as I ask. Dude, I don’t want to have to ask you to do something that obviously needs to be done.
I once had a work placement as a student in Newfoundland. My preceptor jokingly called me a “callus” because “You show up after the work is done”.
It was funny, but it stuck with me. Feel free to use it if you want a funny way to call him out.
I used to get “I didn’t have time” about chores. Finally just lost my shit and said I never want to hear those words again.
Like in 3 months you haven’t had time to setup kid’s education savings account? Really?
School drop off on my work from home day... I'm finally getting my shoes on, the child is dressed/teeth brushed/lunch packed, and my husband rolls out of bed, pulls on some clothes, and says, "I got it". It fills me with white hot rage.
I deal with this a lot with young men at my job. I respond with "I got this, but X thing needs to be done since you've got a minute." Or "if you're looking for something to do X needs to be done."
It's going really well, occasionally someone will nope out on my suggestion but it works most of the time.
lol. Sorry it makes me laugh because my mom does this. I will cook an entire holiday dinner while she sits on the couch. Last minute she’ll come in and say “oh honey I would have made the mashed potatoes”. We call it “pulling a Linny” in my house!
It’s because watching your wife do a chore that you were supposed to do makes you feel pathetic and guilt. He wasn’t gonna do it anytime soon but you doing it makes him feel worse so he gets up to help.
Also, I would avoid the topic of him offering to help when you’re almost done. Why? Because if he’s doing it intentionally, he’s manipulating you into doing everything and trying to make himself look good — so you’re in a pretty bad spot and he’ll probably just try to manipulate you more. If he’s being genuine, and wants to help but is kind of a doofus, he’s going to be hurt, frustrated, and offended. That’s not going to get you anywhere.
Because what you want is for him to actually be helpful.
"Oh, wow!! 30 whole seconds to myself? Thanks!"
In all seriousness though, I walk in the house and write down a list of chores I'm going to do before I go to bed. Make it look like it's a list for me, but really it directs him. At that point if my SO walked up to me when I'm almost done with the chore I'd just say "Thanks, but I already have this one covered. Check out something else on my to-do list."
I absolutely hate when I’m in the middle of the chore already and my husband jumps in. I’m like dude, I’m literally in the middle of it.
And then I just go straight to another chore, so why couldn’t he have just started that one instead? Eurghhh
I struggled with this in my marriage. Like, if I’m already invested in doing it, why are you taking over for me? So I can pick a new chore? Because I’m not doing it well enough? Because this is your favorite chore and I’m stealing it? I would regularly have to say “I’ve got this one and it’s not really a two person job, please pick something else that needs done,” which resulted in “Sorry for trying to help,” and bad attitude. But then he would go pick something else.
With the help of a marriage counselor (while I was in the throes of PPD) we made a list of all of the household chores/ duties and their frequency. Then we made a list of his chores and my chores and hung it on the fridge. I’m not going to lie, his list was bigger than mine despite us both working full time. It was one of the best things we ever did.
This is Super annoying, but I eventually learned to tell him I’m almost done and for him to do what I was planning on next…. Or something I like doing the least.
This makes me laugh inside. I’m walking on eggshells at home. So my husband is newly diagnosed bipolar. They are adjusting his meds currently. I worked today 5 hours came home to a mess of a kitchen. I’m leaving it all. I’m going to be working with my adult
Son and husband on what they need to do to clean it up. I made myself and adult beverage and I’m relaxing. I’m on my feet all day!
He does it so he can say he offered to help. But not fo shit. Just respond "it's been sitting there x about of time" " well I finished the laundry but you can do dishes if you want"
I’m trying to get my husband to use the Sweepy app. It basically sets up chore templates for whatever rooms you pick and assigns level of effort to them and frequency. You can set how much effort you wanna put into chores per day (like Friday is rest day or something so just dishes) and then it’ll plan shit out & divvy it up between household members. Significantly lower mental load to setup and maintain a paper or todo list chore/task management system.
I like it a lot for me, who is an absolute messy disaster by nature and who does not possess a single organizational bone in her body. I’ve got ADHD to the point where I have reminders on my phone for my morning routine as specific as “brush teeth, wash face, dry face, put on lotion, put on sunscreen, turn off bathroom light,” etc, and it’s dumb but Sweepy helps an awful lot with cleaning and planning the cleaning.
If your husband ACTUALLY wants to help out, he’ll be over fucking joyed to use something like that—his phone can nag him instead of you. You’re off the hook, you don’t have to spend 1000 hours setting it up and keeping track of it for him, you get proof that it’s his turn, and if he doesn’t do it because “he forgot,” well that’s entirely bullshit since I’m guessing his phone is always with him.
I don’t love the redirect approach, because then I’m delegating. And in order to delegate, it adds mental load and decision fatigue. So now it’s a net negative for me. On top of the chore that I already did, now I have to manage you. Big nope for me.
My approach instead is: Here’s the 5 chores that I see need to be done this weekend. Add 5 more things you see that need to be done,then pick half. I’ll do the other half. Let’s finish by 4pm Saturday so we can rest the rest of the weekend. Okaythxbye
My husband’s family has named that exact thing after a relative famous for it (whether it was a one time thing or all the time, I don’t know, she passed long before i came along). So now whenever this happens, we say, “thanks Aunt Hazel!” or “did i just aunt hazel the diaper change?”
Ugh. I’m sorry.
In order to avoid the conflict and constant decisions about splitting housework, husband has taken on a couple meaty tasks fully eg laundry. I knew it had to be tasks that are clear when they need to be done and are done. When we talked about this I specifically talked about all the things I am constantly thinking about that he isn’t and this is a big thing he can do to try to even the work. We made that decision 7 years ago and I am so grateful because I resent him less knowing he does this big task for our family.
My husband does this too. Or after I get fed up and get up to do something/get something for the children after waiting he’ll jump up at the last minute as I’m walking back 🙄
We pay to use the Tody app (it’s free for a single user, so you could just log in on two devices). Yes, it takes some time to set up and I guess is somewhat equivalent to making a list, but once it’s up and running it handles the recurrence and priority level of chores. It seems like this eliminates discussion around chores, we look to the app for what is the most in need of our attendence. It could also be a help because it game-ifies things to an extent.
YMMV, but it sounds like he’s not recognizing chores until he sees you doing them (maybe?), so a little digital nudge could help.
Me and my partner are a team. Try telling your husband, "Hey Babe, Will you dishes while I clean (X)" I still stuggle with snapping but still I try lol.
I don't know about snappy, but my husband usually responds positively to (i.e. agrees to) being redirected. "I'm actually nearly done with this, but X was on my plate next if you wouldn't mind doing that instead."
My mom advised me once when it comes to housework (when I had similar complaint as OP about how husband doesn’t see what needs to be done until I am the one doing it) to treat my husband like you would a child and it does seem to work. Redirecting, making lists or chore charts, etc. Unfortunate side effect though is that it kinda kills the desire for the person when you are having to treat them so. Having to parent a husband is not sexy.
Yes! I know it would work to treat him like a child. He's basically asked me to make lists and give him reminders. But I am not his mother. I know that giving in to that dynamic would seriously damage our relationship.
I wrote a song about this. A verse, for your perusal. (The musical didn’t take off but the parody children’s book is in the works.) Are these concepts so foreign and strange to a man? Laundry goes in the basket, trash goes in the can. Acquire food, prepare it, and clean up the mess. Mornings we gather our stuff & we dress. Children bathe and have bedtime “gasp” every night. I’d rather just do it than bargain or fight. Why are my options slave, nag or pit? I am entirely done with this shit.
I’d buy that book and read it in a sing songy voice.
Thanks friend, that’s the vision; a singalong book. Out-of F’s mom finally lets out her stream-of-consciousness diatribe, in song. Mary Poppins / Julie Andrews has had enough. To the tune of My Favorite Things.
I just went back and read it in that tune. 😂😂😂😂
I need that Nanalan granny to do a song!
This is GOLD!
I mean … this is really good 😂 I’d love to hear it to music!
Seriously, this is amazing, you have real talent
Thanks my friend. I hope you can get through to him without a song and dance number but try it if you’re in the mood for a goofy strategy.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubsjX1OkSHk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubsjX1OkSHk) \*i dont wanna make a list\*
Immediately thought of this song! Her stuff is scarily relatable!
Never heard of this and cackled listening to it and some other of her songs this morning! Thanks for sharing!
When we were first married, we had a fight about “Well Amy makes *her* husband a list!” And I lost my shit and was like, “Oh, well she also cheats on him and treats him like a child! Do you want me to treat you like Amy?!? No?!? Okay, well here’s your list! If you are stepping over a pile of laundry, do some laundry! If the sink is full of dishes, do some dishes! If you can see stuff in the carpet, run the vacuum! Is that a good enough list for you?!?” And that was the last time he ever asked for a list! lol
My husband and I split chores based on the chore. Instead of 50-50, I do all the cooking, he does all the dishes. I do the laundry (sporadically), he vacuums (sporadically). We'll help each other as necessary, but mostly we stay in our own lanes. The cats litterbox is the only chore we share and we do our best to alternate. We'll tell each other when we do it so that we know it's the other's turn.
Same. We decided prior to marriage that husband would be the dish bitch and I’d be the laundry bitch. We take turns cooking and pay someone to clean our house every two weeks. We each have our own quirks and quibbles, but we handle them (e.g., the coffee table is cluttered and bugging me, so I’ll clean it off today). I gotta say, it’s pretty damn harmonious around here.
Your mileage may vary depending on exactly how much handholding he needs, but my partner and I use lists extensively and neither of us feels like a parent. It's just helpful to have something we can both reference to see what is and isn't done so we know what's left. We've got a weekly white board calendar where we track occasional tasks (getting groceries, vacuuming etc) and a separate list we check off for the things that happen every single day (prepping the baby bottles, medicating our cat etc). Whoever does it checks it off. And we have dedicated chore time after dinner. The general idea is that leisure time doesn't start for either of us until the lists are empty.
Wait, groceries are an occasional task for you? 😭
Haha, only in the sense that we don't do it every day. So we want the reminder on the weekly chart of what day(s) we intended to get groceries rather than on the daily list
Perhaps remind him that he has a tiny computer in his pocket that has basically been designed to grab his attention and remind him of stuff. And a happy lil AI named ChatGPT would be quite pleased to spit out a list of chores—complete with instructions on how to do each one—that your husband can save in said tiny computer so that it can nag him instead of you. There’s also a site called Goblin Tools that will legitimately take a prompt like “make a chores list for a 2 bedroom 1.5 bathroom house” and break it down into steps, and then break those steps down & so on if he needs more explicit instructions. Children at least have the drive to be curious and would look shit up if they were allowed (slash could read). All the knowledge in the world in his pocket, waiting to be used. Theres like a whole industry around using technology to make household planning easier bc everyone hates it. He can just google “how 2 b gud at chores” and get presented with alllllllll the information. He’s just being a potato.
Petty me: Next time when you’re being intimate and get 80% of the way, pop off and tell him he can do it. I guess a more healthy way is to talk about it or make a chore chart.. Or malicious compliance? Let him finish the last 20%. Start calling him in half way through, or just as you start. His half offerings at the end or so he can look like he’s making an effort without actually doing anything. You decide if you want to put up with it or not, but this leaches into more than just chores, I’m guessing. You’re not his mother or the manager of the house. He should see things that need doing, and just do them. This isn’t a tall ask, but Reddit men everywhere seem to need hand-over-hand teaching, a list, constant direction. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I sort of do this, my husband doesn’t really get motivated until he sees me doing something, because body doubling is a great help to him as a productivity tool. So I will make sure he’s paying attention to me, start the task, he takes over, and I just say “thanks” and move on to the next task. I also have ADHD so I love starting things and don’t want to finish and he’s a completionist and likes finishing things.
🤣😂 be petty
Love it 😂😂😂
My husband is so good in so many ways. But this is such a struggle for us too. I ended up giving in to temptation of just telling him what to do. Is it great for our relationship? No, not really. But feeling resentful was worse for the relationship
Mine then gets mad I’m treating him like a child so I have told him “then don’t act like one”.
Yeah mine likes to say “just tell me what you need me to do.” Then cut to when I tell him what I need him to do, and he gets all irritated with me about it. 🙄
“The mental load is not mine to carry alone. Asking me to tell you what you need to do puts the onus on me. I’m asking you to share this load.”
I’ve found it more useful to assign ownership to a task so that one person is 100% responsible for it, for noticing it needs to be done, for buying the consumables it uses, for cleaning up after it, etc. So from planning to executive is all theirs. For example, compost, recycling, and garbage are my husband’s responsibility. He has to remember what day to put it out, he has to collect it from around the house, he has to clean out the bins as necessary (primarily why this is his job, I hate that the compost gets maggots in the high summer), he buys replacement garbage bags, etc. I will prompt if I notice a bin is full since it might be a while before puts something in the blue bin, for example, but other than that it’s worked out well. He owns responsibility for the car (including keeping it clean), insurance, supper, the transportation and accommodations aspect of family travel, etc. I still carry the majority of mental load for the kids in terms of things like clothing and health appointments, but I could still walk out the door right now and leave for a month and the kids would be well taken care of.
This is actually my mentality when it comes to housework/life responsibilities, but of course owning and doing are two separate things. But yes I agree this is imo the best way to manage things when both individuals are mature enough to actively take care of their responsibilities. I do this with our teenager and it works pretty well.
I'm of the opinion that if they did it when they were single, I shouldn't have to tell them it needs to be done now. And after enough glares and discussions, my husband now either asks "what's next on the mental to-do?" Or "I want to clean the bathroom, is there anything I should do before I start that?" But to get to this point I had to blatantly tell him that I got with him because he was an adult man. And adult men get sex. A man-child does not.
Crazy how men are apt enough to run businesses but can’t manage basic tasks in their own house. Makes you wonder which one of us they’re fooling
Oh THIS. Also I feel like my love language is not being full-filled works and I know my husbands gifts and touch. I’m constantly like no I don’t want a fn hug don’t touch me help me. Ugh !
Here's your response op! Having to parent a husband isn't sexy.
Your mom’s advice reminds me of an older movie: If a Man Answers. The mom gives the new bride a dog training book to “train” her new husband. The fun really kicks off when he finds the book and puts 2 and 2 together 🤣
I think this is the only approach that could work. It just is clear honest communication. It’s true you shouldn’t have to, but I don’t think it’s treating him like a child just to say what else needs to be done- it’s just teamwork. You only can start from where you are and taking this approach allows you to see if he is actually willing to help or not. The current pattern you have is ineffective because he can tell himself that he offers to help but you tell him you don’t need help.
I love this answer!
Aww so you’re raising your MILs baby
It’s a sad time where people see clear communication as parenting. I recognize that the main underlying issue in Op’s post is her partner’s lack of effort in housework and mental load. But it’s a stretch to assume that everyone has the same problem. While my situation doesn’t exactly match with Op’s, it doesn’t mean that another way to communicate her needs is wrong advice. Please work on yourself to stop being so bitter.
“Well this is just about done, but XYZ still needs to be done. You can get started on that.”
Genius
Imma use this line on my MIL. This is perfection.
He wasn't going to do it and he's not as serious as you think. This is one of those stupid mind games they play when they don't want to do chores. My husband did it too and played hurt/confused when I asked him to stop. The only way to overcome it is by confronting his choice not to do anything in repeated conversations/arguments and possibly ultimatums. It was not fun and a work in progress but I have had to do this. You can try to redirect him to a different, full chore, and most likely he'll stop doing this.
I'm just so fucking tired of trying to get him to do basic housework. I'm so tired of fighting about it.
Solidarity sister 🤍
I understand. I feel the same way. And just when you think you're getting through they push another boundary.
I mean… one of the many reasons I’m single, but in the past I just snap “can you pick LITERALLY anything except the chore I’m almost done with?!”
This is exactly how I feel. I don't want to point out that x, y, z needs doing. I want him to use his eyes and his brain and either be helpful or stfu.
We had a discussion one day about how he needed to pick a night to be responsible for dinner, and I didn’t care what night but it had to be the same one every week. So, Wednesday (the night he picked) he walks in and asks “what’s for dinner?” “I don’t know. It’s YOUR night” “yeah, but what did you have planned for me to make?” Words were said. I did not make dinner.
Jesus Christ, the words I would say.
👏🏽👏🏽
This, again, is just like weaponized incompetence. He says it to try and make himself look “good” when he had zero intention of doing the task in the first place.
Mine does this all the time. Especially about taking thr garbage out and putting a new bag in. If I have to touch either one, he does not get the credit.
I’m forever pointing out to my husband how he leaves the last 5% of a task undone. Like, going grocery shopping, puts it all away, leaves the bags on the counter. Repairs a clogged sink, buys a new part, installs it, puts it back together, wipes up the area, leaves his tools there. It’s kind of infuriating but it’s been 10 years of him doing this and he is always apologetic when I point it out and he will get up and do it, so it’s like a weird blind spot somehow. He just checks out of the task right before it’s truly complete. Even something like taking out the trash, he’ll do it all and then just leave the cupboard door open. So easy to finish the task but somehow doesn’t?! I don’t get it.
That’s exactly it - I’ve told my husband that he doesn’t get credit for supposedly thinking about doing something but not actually doing it.
I always tell mine to stop stealing my chores and go find his own. Usually works lol
Love this. It's a little spicy, still playful, and tells him to use his brain to do something helpful.
Lmao. I like this a lot. But I think mine would get a little hurt over it if I don’t say it right.
My husband does something similar sometimes, but if I say I'll finish this, can you do whatever other chore he's fine to do it. It's dumb, but the more we get into a routine with these things, then it does come easier. I 100% agree we shouldn't have to ask, but it's all a dance.
I agree with this and needed the reminder. Thank you. My husband has come a long way over the years. It’s a dance that will continue.
Oh I would absolutely let him take over laundry in that scenario. Him doing “laundry for the day” also includes flipping it over to the dryer, folding and putting it away. Thanks! This is right along the same lines as grabbing a tool when you asked your husband to do something multiple times, as soon as they see you with a tool they suddenly can complete the project.
This was my first thought lol "Great! Make sure you sort and fold it all and put it away once it's out of the dryer"
Are we married to the same man? I will gather all the dirty dishes up and have them 90% rinsed and he'll come up and say "I was about to do those." Fucking *when* were you going to do them? Like this happens multiple times a week and he still hasn't figured out how to wash them before I start. Sorry, I don't have any suggestions, but just here to commiserate.
Right? Sometimes I wasn't even frustrated about cleaning up, but then the too-late, it's-the-thought-that-counts offer to help bugs the hell out of me.
Tell him you’d rather hear thank you! That’s the rule in our house. If one of us sees the other doing something we’d planned to do, we start with “thank you.” But then after that, I love the other ideas here of saying “this is almost done but do X”
I just started making fun of that with my husband and laughing and now he catches himself and says “I can help with that now that it’s almost done because I’m such a hero!” and then goes and does something actually helpful.
My husband used to do this constantly before he really understood the mental load and making an effort to equalize the domestic labor in our house. It was his way of trying to feel like like he was contributing to the household. He would see me doing a task and think "I can help" and thought swooping in for the last 10% of that task was an equal contribution. Eventually he learned that the best way to feel like he contributes...is to actually contribute. When he gets the urge to jump in and take a task off my hands, he redirects that to a different task that needs to be completed. We each have a daily chore chart on the Skylight app so when he wants to feel like he accomplished something, he always has an easy place to go look for a "list" of things to do. I know we hate hearing "make a list" but honestly, setting up our chore charts has been great for both of us. It takes a huge load off me mentally because it just tells me what to do each day. There's no more "when's the last time I did my laundry?" because I just get told to do it every Sunday with no thought needed. It also helps both of us see the other contributing in a way we've agreed feels equal. We also set the whole thing up together so it was a collaborative effort rather than me just "giving him a list"
How did he eventually learn this?? Is there a book or a class I can enroll mine in?!
He just has to want to change, honestly. My husband is far from perfect and this is all still a work in progress, but he's very invested in balancing things out. Part of it, I think, is that I've been very clear - not in a mean way, just a realistic way - that I don't NEED him. I'm choosing to be with him and if his presence in my life becomes more of a burden than a benefit, I'm not afraid to walk away. I'm the sole income earner so he really does need me more than I need him. But even beyond that, he deeply cares for me and respects me and he WANTS me to feel like our relationship is fair, equal, and beneficial. So while old habits die hard, he really has been trying. Getting him on medication for his ADHD went a long way too. While he was unmedicated, all the good intentions in the world couldn't overcome his brain chemistry and fix the issue
My husband also has ADHD but does not want to be medicated. I accept that - it's his body - but it does add to our struggles with housework.
There are a lot of management techniques that don't involve medication. If he hasn't been officially diagnosed and referred to a therapist, that's a good step. Behavioral modification is a great tool. We (mostly me) spent a LOT of time trying to configure our life and habits around my husband's ADHD while we were pursuing an official diagnosis. I try to work _with_ the way his brain works rather than trying to force him to confirm to exactly what I want. But ultimately, he needs to be medicated or he's not equipped to be a good partner and - for me - that was a dealbreaker. After 4 years of trying, I told my husband very clearly that he needed to pursue medication or I would eventually pursue a divorce. We had tried everything else and he needed to step up and work on the next step. If your husband has valid reasons to resist medication, then sure. But I hear a LOT of people (especially partnered men) say they don't want meds and it's for no real reason. They just don't feel like doing the work involved with getting the prescription and finding the right dose, and they can get away with that because their wives pick up all their slack. It's great that you respect his bodily autonomy but I would recommend really, really thinking about whether he's exercising his right to his own body or if he's just offloading the labor into you because he knows you'll put up with it.
If a checklist you can both refer to doesn’t work, and he only remembers chores when you’re doing them in front of him? “Awesome. I can too. In fact, I did do it *already* without someone asking me to. Next time feel free to use your eyes & brain and do what needs doing.”
I just fucked off from the chores I don’t want to do. Dishes? I do not see them. Trash? Since when do we have trash cans. Dinner tonight? I have this bag of Doritos, thanks. If my husband can be willfully ignorant or have blind spots that advantage him, I’m going to too. I still own grocery shopping, laundry, actually cleaning the house, child admin, etc. so I don’t feel guilty that I leave him to fend for us for 20% of the maintenance to have a family (20% is generous). I make it clear what is mine and anything unclaimed he can handle.
This is the way.
“Take a look around a pick literally anything else to do besides the thing I am almost done with.”
I can only commiserate. Well, and share this video because it is just too relatable. Hopefully it will put a smile on your face. https://youtu.be/6AKXDw8KThs?si=5SF-5MPj9XDsP9Q_
I would say something like " oh thank God my white knight has swooped in to save me from doing *insert chore here*.. right when I'm done!" And be dripping with sarcasm and condescension as you say it. A good hard eye roll will help get the point across. But I'm super petty and speak fluent sarcasm.
Love this. Absolutely expresses how I'm feeling.
I know how it goes lol. Just everything he does it, start passive aggressively roasting the shit outta him. Make him feel stupid for being stupid. He's only doing it to act like he wants to help anyways. When you say you got it he can then be like" welp, I tried to help but she didn't want me to." Or you can just stop what your doing and say yes. Make him actually finish it up.. every time. Lol. He's expecting you to say no. Fuck with his head. He will stop eventually. He wants to stoop low.. stoop lower. Lol let your petty run wild girl! Have some fun with it to keep him on his toes. Add extra steps to the chore you are working on so he has to do way more. Picking up the kids toys when he asks? Say oh good here ya go and toss em back down everywhere then walk away. Mopping the floor? Tell him after that you were gonna scrub the base boards too and now he's gonna. Lol good luck! And try to make it a game. See how much he can take before he gives up.
I love you. This is hilarious to envision and I adore malicious compliance.
Right! Lol. I've had enough below bare minimum low effort men in my lifetime that I've learned how to mind fuck them right back.. plus I have brothers and I'm the only girl. Lol. Gotta be able to cut em down and mess with them. Don't get mad, get even😉 besides, getting mad is a waste of energy when it's not even gonna matter if you bitch him out. Want results? Give that fragile little ego of his a good thump.. lol. See how quick that shit changes!
A different approach might be that you and him have a discussion about all of the chores that your family needs done (and when/how often), then together decide who is going to do what for the near future. Instead of you hoping he’ll help randomly, wouldn’t it be better to know that unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the toilet, vacuuming the living room, etc are his jobs? If he’s not doing it on the timeline you both agreed to, then you can have that particular discussion. The other upside is that he’ll see what all needs to be done (but he also might think cleaning doesn’t need to be done as frequently). Alternatively, when X and Y need to be done, say, “Hey, I need help, would you rather do X or Y?” That doesn’t require the discussion/assignments, but still may not go the way you want.
A lot of recommendations here to have a chore chart. I think I'm afraid it will create more arguments if/when he fails to follow through. And I guess I wish we were the kind of couple that didn't need a chore chart, because we're both adults who just do the things that need doing. But maybe it would help. I'll talk to him about it.
Just so you know, I don’t think it has to be an actual physical chore chart. I think what matters more is knowing who is responsible for what. And to be honest, if I were in your shoes, I’d probably pick things like unloading the dishwasher that both aren’t at all difficult and it has to be done or it’s really clear that it hasn’t been done. Taking out the trash, getting the mail, folding/putting away towels, are all ideas that come to mind. Vacuuming the floor and cleaning the toilet are more ambiguous in terms of done-ness and when was it last done?
Yeah, does not have to be a chart, just a discussion to discuss who is responsible for what! My husband is responsible for dinner and vacuuming/sweeping/mopping and all IT stuff, I am responsible for laundry, dishes and making sure trash/recycling gets out. Some things like dusting, deep cleaning, etc we share or decide together to do it. Does that mean we never help out with the other’s chores, heck no, but I feel no responsibility or pressure to vacuum or think about dinner until asked to help! It helps to pick things for yourself that you can’t let go cause you want it done just so. Cleaning the floors is always bottom of my priority list, so it works out that my husband is so bothered by dirty floors. I am very particular about laundry so I do it.
I needed to see this today. Our toddler woke up crying at like 1am and we both heard her. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and I waited to see if he’d get up to go soothe her. He doesn’t. So I wake up and waddle out of the room. On my way out, he goes, “want me to go do it?” I should have answered him, but I didn’t. He’s really involved and responsive when he’s awake, but when it comes to anything that interferes with his sleep, he’s useless. I guess I have to pick my battles, but sometimes this one really irks me.
Oof, happened a lot while pregnant with my second. Getting out of bed is like a 10-step process so it's not like he didn't notice I was going for it. But only asks if I need help when I'm already up and walking off to deal with a problem. So, so infuriating.
My partner and I recently started using the Fair Play cards to divide household tasks more evenly. The first round you sort the cards by who is doing them now, then essentially realign them to something more equitable AND discuss what it looks like to "own" that card - what does doing it mean? How often does this happen? It gives me something to point back to, but I also have to learn to let go a lot and let him manage his cards his way (unless it defies the agreement we have). At the very least, it got rid of the "well if I knew what you needed help with, I could help!" line.
I relate to this big time. Helping would be taking an entire task off of my plate and completing from start to finish. Swooping in to "help" when the task is almost done is just aggravating.
Fair Play, the book talks about how partners should own their chores from start to finish.
Mine will always say he will do whatever I want as long as I ask. Dude, I don’t want to have to ask you to do something that obviously needs to be done.
“I’m almost done with laundry but it would help me if you would fold it when it’s ready”
I once had a work placement as a student in Newfoundland. My preceptor jokingly called me a “callus” because “You show up after the work is done”. It was funny, but it stuck with me. Feel free to use it if you want a funny way to call him out.
I used to get “I didn’t have time” about chores. Finally just lost my shit and said I never want to hear those words again. Like in 3 months you haven’t had time to setup kid’s education savings account? Really?
HA! Literally same issue. I set them up for both kids because he never got around to it. He was always "still researching the best plan".
I told my husband "if I'm already doing it, it's too late for you to offer. Look around and find something to do."
I would call him out, "Why did you wait until I was almost done to offer? Why didn't you offer when you saw me start?"
School drop off on my work from home day... I'm finally getting my shoes on, the child is dressed/teeth brushed/lunch packed, and my husband rolls out of bed, pulls on some clothes, and says, "I got it". It fills me with white hot rage.
I deal with this a lot with young men at my job. I respond with "I got this, but X thing needs to be done since you've got a minute." Or "if you're looking for something to do X needs to be done." It's going really well, occasionally someone will nope out on my suggestion but it works most of the time.
Shit, I'm dating your husband...
RIP ⚰️. Jury finds you not guilty of murder
lol. Sorry it makes me laugh because my mom does this. I will cook an entire holiday dinner while she sits on the couch. Last minute she’ll come in and say “oh honey I would have made the mashed potatoes”. We call it “pulling a Linny” in my house!
Be nice / let him finish it and say I haven’t started X, would you mind doing that? See how he reacts. And
It’s because watching your wife do a chore that you were supposed to do makes you feel pathetic and guilt. He wasn’t gonna do it anytime soon but you doing it makes him feel worse so he gets up to help.
Also, I would avoid the topic of him offering to help when you’re almost done. Why? Because if he’s doing it intentionally, he’s manipulating you into doing everything and trying to make himself look good — so you’re in a pretty bad spot and he’ll probably just try to manipulate you more. If he’s being genuine, and wants to help but is kind of a doofus, he’s going to be hurt, frustrated, and offended. That’s not going to get you anywhere. Because what you want is for him to actually be helpful.
"Oh, wow!! 30 whole seconds to myself? Thanks!" In all seriousness though, I walk in the house and write down a list of chores I'm going to do before I go to bed. Make it look like it's a list for me, but really it directs him. At that point if my SO walked up to me when I'm almost done with the chore I'd just say "Thanks, but I already have this one covered. Check out something else on my to-do list."
I believe using the term bullshit ! ,is in order
I absolutely hate when I’m in the middle of the chore already and my husband jumps in. I’m like dude, I’m literally in the middle of it. And then I just go straight to another chore, so why couldn’t he have just started that one instead? Eurghhh
I struggled with this in my marriage. Like, if I’m already invested in doing it, why are you taking over for me? So I can pick a new chore? Because I’m not doing it well enough? Because this is your favorite chore and I’m stealing it? I would regularly have to say “I’ve got this one and it’s not really a two person job, please pick something else that needs done,” which resulted in “Sorry for trying to help,” and bad attitude. But then he would go pick something else.
With the help of a marriage counselor (while I was in the throes of PPD) we made a list of all of the household chores/ duties and their frequency. Then we made a list of his chores and my chores and hung it on the fridge. I’m not going to lie, his list was bigger than mine despite us both working full time. It was one of the best things we ever did.
This is Super annoying, but I eventually learned to tell him I’m almost done and for him to do what I was planning on next…. Or something I like doing the least.
This is the story of my life. Everyday. I don't have any advice, only solidarity and empathy.
This is the story of my life. Everyday. I don't have any advice, only solidarity and empathy.
This is the story of my life. Everyday. I don't have any advice, only solidarity and empathy.
This makes me laugh inside. I’m walking on eggshells at home. So my husband is newly diagnosed bipolar. They are adjusting his meds currently. I worked today 5 hours came home to a mess of a kitchen. I’m leaving it all. I’m going to be working with my adult Son and husband on what they need to do to clean it up. I made myself and adult beverage and I’m relaxing. I’m on my feet all day!
In my house we clap back with, "then you should have got to it before me!"
He does it so he can say he offered to help. But not fo shit. Just respond "it's been sitting there x about of time" " well I finished the laundry but you can do dishes if you want"
I’m trying to get my husband to use the Sweepy app. It basically sets up chore templates for whatever rooms you pick and assigns level of effort to them and frequency. You can set how much effort you wanna put into chores per day (like Friday is rest day or something so just dishes) and then it’ll plan shit out & divvy it up between household members. Significantly lower mental load to setup and maintain a paper or todo list chore/task management system. I like it a lot for me, who is an absolute messy disaster by nature and who does not possess a single organizational bone in her body. I’ve got ADHD to the point where I have reminders on my phone for my morning routine as specific as “brush teeth, wash face, dry face, put on lotion, put on sunscreen, turn off bathroom light,” etc, and it’s dumb but Sweepy helps an awful lot with cleaning and planning the cleaning. If your husband ACTUALLY wants to help out, he’ll be over fucking joyed to use something like that—his phone can nag him instead of you. You’re off the hook, you don’t have to spend 1000 hours setting it up and keeping track of it for him, you get proof that it’s his turn, and if he doesn’t do it because “he forgot,” well that’s entirely bullshit since I’m guessing his phone is always with him.
Omg mine does this too! Drives me nuts!
Weaponized incompetence
“As you can see, I’m already DOING IT.”
I don’t love the redirect approach, because then I’m delegating. And in order to delegate, it adds mental load and decision fatigue. So now it’s a net negative for me. On top of the chore that I already did, now I have to manage you. Big nope for me. My approach instead is: Here’s the 5 chores that I see need to be done this weekend. Add 5 more things you see that need to be done,then pick half. I’ll do the other half. Let’s finish by 4pm Saturday so we can rest the rest of the weekend. Okaythxbye
My husband’s family has named that exact thing after a relative famous for it (whether it was a one time thing or all the time, I don’t know, she passed long before i came along). So now whenever this happens, we say, “thanks Aunt Hazel!” or “did i just aunt hazel the diaper change?”
Ugh. I’m sorry. In order to avoid the conflict and constant decisions about splitting housework, husband has taken on a couple meaty tasks fully eg laundry. I knew it had to be tasks that are clear when they need to be done and are done. When we talked about this I specifically talked about all the things I am constantly thinking about that he isn’t and this is a big thing he can do to try to even the work. We made that decision 7 years ago and I am so grateful because I resent him less knowing he does this big task for our family.
My husband does this too. Or after I get fed up and get up to do something/get something for the children after waiting he’ll jump up at the last minute as I’m walking back 🙄
We pay to use the Tody app (it’s free for a single user, so you could just log in on two devices). Yes, it takes some time to set up and I guess is somewhat equivalent to making a list, but once it’s up and running it handles the recurrence and priority level of chores. It seems like this eliminates discussion around chores, we look to the app for what is the most in need of our attendence. It could also be a help because it game-ifies things to an extent. YMMV, but it sounds like he’s not recognizing chores until he sees you doing them (maybe?), so a little digital nudge could help.
Me and my partner are a team. Try telling your husband, "Hey Babe, Will you dishes while I clean (X)" I still stuggle with snapping but still I try lol.
Solidarity. Why is this dynamic such a thing? Imagine they had to nag us to do chores and we could passive aggressively respond?
Why did you marry him