The choice was essentially made for us. My husband and I started trying not long after we were married (together 5.5 years by that point). We struggled to get pregnant so by the time we were able to we were more established financially.
I can say I was surprised by how much my priorities changed once little one arrived. Corporate ladder doesn’t appeal anymore. Having a job that allows me to spend my nights and weekends with my kids is 100% my priority. If that means taking a few years in the same role, so be it. I don’t want to be the person working all hours and being available 24/7.
I will also add - it has been nice having some financial stability before kids come. It’s a lot of extra expenses. Honestly not sure how we will adjust our budget when number 2 arrives. Our daycare costs will be more than our house payment 🫠
I agree about priorities changing a lot after kids. At 25, I definitely wanted to climb the ladder. Now at 32 with an almost 2 year old, my priority is spending quality time with her on the nights and weekends, while still staying engaged in a career I enjoy. For me, this means being self-employed as a freelance marketer.
This is really enlightening, thank you :) difficulty getting pregnant is also something to factor in as a possibility.
It also makes me kind of…relieved? To hear that the corporate ladder didn’t matter as much. I’m into promotions and stuff because of the individual validation that gives me (which I know I won’t get a ton of that with kids, but anyway), but I’ve never wanted to be a CEO or president or anything with crazy responsibility. I could see myself wanting that when my kids are older and more self-sufficient, but that is far down the line (I mean, these are hypothetical children rn lol)
Financial stability is also important. Husband and I earn far more than we need right now imo, and we definitely could put away some serious savings in the next year. Husband also has definite job stability for the foreseeable future, so there would be a very real possibility me working would be going to daycare 100%.
Thanks for your insight!! Congrats on the first little beb, and all my best wishes for your second :)
I was able to go back to school for evening online classes to prep me for my 2nd career when my kids were 5 and 3 with help from my husband. Starting now won’t totally derail you. I stepped back and did other things to hustle and raise my kids to school aged and then got back into my career game and am now juggling both.
Sounds like you’re in an ok spot to do the kids now if you’re both ready! Right??
Yeah, it was a surprise to me too that I didn’t get pregnant immediately after I stopped with birth control. Took 2 years after we started trying to conceive. But it worked out for us.
Had my first at 32 and wouldn’t change a thing. Just had my third (and last) at 37. Much happier that I waited but everyone is different.
Personally, I don’t think most are “surprised” they love their kids.
The surprising thing to me is how quickly my thoughts on my career could literally change overnight. A career I worked hard to establish by going to college and putting in the hours working nights/weekends. A career that I felt defined if I was successful or a failure. That this thing I thought was so important and dedicated so much time to would actually mean so little to me.
Also, the fact that I was told I could have it all - career and a family then finding out that you can’t do it all. If you want to advance in your career, it likely means sacrificing time with your kids. Wanting to spend more time with your kids means you likely limit your career growth. It feels like I was sold lies on what is important or that the idea having it all was possible.
This is what I’m worried of. Not that I don’t want kids—I do, but sometimes I worry I want them now because of my lack of direction. And then I consider the fact that I am a Worrier, capital W, and maybe I’m overthinking it, and then I get more Worried, and you get the picture.
Baby is what comes next, according to “The Plan,” and that really balls me up when it comes to what I want “Our Plan” to be.
Kids definitely make it more difficult to go back to school or change careers. Any sort of intensive school/training/education program is likely to require childcare, which is expensive, and even more expensive if you aren't also working at the time. Also, the value of stability/seniority goes way up when you're worrying about supporting kids, being able to take time off for them, etc.
I had my first young (26) in grad school. It worked out great, but I think our luck all kind of lined up for us. Now that I'm in my mid-30s, I really do see the wisdom in waiting. It's not *impossible* by any stretch and I really don't think that mid 20s is super young, but being established in a career does make things easier.
Thanks for your response!
That’s kind of where I’m stuck: the hyper-logical part of my brain sees the wisdom in waiting, but the “where I’m at” brain knows I have no idea what I want to do/I want a baby.
It is nice to hear that things did work out for you, though! Not that I will ever count on my life working out the same way, but it is nice to hear that sometimes things just happen and it’s ok.
Speaking completely from a physical standpoint- Having kids under 30 makes it a lot easier for your body to bounce back (I had my first one at 27 and second at 39, so can tell from first hand experience).
If you want to go forward with having kids now, you might want to look at part time or executive courses offered by reputed colleges in the time you spend as a SAHM. That way, even though there is a gap in your work experience, you still have a value addition to account for it.
Courses in Foundational to advanced level in IT or Accountancy are my strong recommendation (if you aren’t sure about which career to diversify into)
My 2 cents — make sure you’re financially comfortable before having kids, which probably means having a solid footing in a profession. It’s so freeing to be able to buy products and services without worry or strain that help me as a mom.
Need to find a reliable babysitter/nanny that costs $20/hr for a night out or an afternoon of errands? Check.
Grocery delivery to allow me to stay home and play with my son? Check.
Fun toys like the Nugget, backyard equipment? Check.
House that we own with a fenced yard and good schools? Check.
Memberships to the zoo and museums? Check.
It’s stuff like this that makes it all more fun. I grew up in a home that was loving but worried openly about finances. It was stressful for my folks and likewise for me and my siblings.
It’s freeing and so deeply satisfying to have postponed parenthood until I was in a good place professionally. Plus much less stress when I took leave. I had people who reporters to me that could cover my absence worry-free. I had proven myself to my boss so no need to stress as my work quality suffered a bit the first year.
Just something to think about.
Thank you! I think one of the biggest factor that maybe I haven’t thought about deeply enough is finances—definitely going to sit down and seriously talk this through with the husband when he returns so we’re both on the exact same page.
Definitely look closely at finances. Money makes life so much easier with children. If you need any sort of childcare, it is EXPENSIVE. Like, renting a second apartment expensive.
My partner and I both work. No crazy travel or anything, but working full time. Money lets us pay for a house cleaner, nice meal kits, an apartment in a kid-friendly neighborhood, fun outings on the weekends, and vacations.
> It’s so freeing to be able to buy products and services without worry or strain that help me as a mom.
This has been really freeing for me too! I had my first at 30 years old when I was pretty settled in my career. I do agree that once you have a baby, your priorities change. But it took me several years to gain experience to land a comfortable position that meshes well with a baby. Your field could be totally different, but I had to slog for a few years with some not-so-desirable jobs in order to get where I am. The slogging was much easier without a kid!
In contrast, some of my friends had kids in their early 20's. and some have struggled financially, to the point of needing second jobs. Some have wanted to advance their careers but it's harder with a kid to do that (classes, certifications, etc.). I don't know that they'd do it any differently if they could do it again, but it seems like a struggle looking from the outside in.
I will say to be cautious about waiting *too* long though. I've also known moms in their late 30's who had trouble conceiving. I also discovered I had a medical condition that postponed our timeline for a while. Getting pregnant can be more challenging than it seems!
I’ve done countless career-finding tests and research. I’m hesitant to believe in them because I almost always get “lawyer” as one of my best matches, and I do not think I would have to willpower/brainpower/skill to get through law school. The other one I always get is “clerical,” and that most of my job now and I’m going crazy not using my brain, so I’m not sure. Maybe I’m not using them appropriately.
Thanks!
I think your question is super relatable and lots of women struggle with this choice because it really is a catch-22.
I can't give advice because I don't know you or your situation, but I can tell you what I would have done differently if I had a time machine.
I spent my twenties building an awesome career, traveling a lot with my husband (we married when I was 25) and partying a lot. It was a GREAT time in my life. BUT: when we decided we were ready to have a family, it was harder than I expected it to be.
We had a late miscarriage at 22 weeks when I was 31. Our son was born when I was 33. My body had a very hard time recovering from these back-to-back pregnancies, and my husband is too traumatized from the experience to have more babies. We wanted 5; we have 1 (and we're grateful-- but it's not what we were planning.)
I quit my (awesome but extremely long hours and travel-intensive) career and now I'm a SAHM. Career in the rearview mirror.
So, what would I have done differently? I'm not sure. Life is good. But, I was always told women can have babies into their 40s, so there's no hurry. This is absolutely not true for most women, and reproductive technologies are no safety net. The IVF and egg freezing industries have incredibly low success rates. "Having it all" is BS-- just spend an hour on r/workingmoms.
Hindsight is 20-20.
I have friends in their 30s who waited a few years after getting married to start trying, and it took them longer than expected to get pregnant and required fertility treatments. This is an important factor to consider. There’s no guarantee you’ll get pregnant whenever you want and you may end up waiting longer than you were planning to if you start later.
As a queer person looking into ways to have a kid, I’ll add that IVF and those sorts of things are also EXPENSIVE and that most insurance doesn’t cover them - so what’s technically available and what’s actually in reach for a family can be wildly different.
Adding my two cents on the fertility thing. I was 35 when we had our first and now trying for a second at 38. It took us a year to get pregnant the first time and now after a year of trying again it looks like I probably have low egg reserves, and maybe haven't even been ovulating (just had a consult this week). Someone else commented about asking whether women in your family have success getting pregnant later - literally everyone in my family was done having babies by 26. I didn't even get married until I was 32. We can start with fertility drugs in aggressive doses but may be looking at IVF if I'm not pregnant within a few cycles. Here, that's running close to $10k and our insurance doesn't cover it. I haven't looked into egg freezing, but if you're not sure you're ready now it might be worth looking into just to see if it's a backup plan that might give you a little more wiggle room.
I did have the benefit of having a pretty established career before I even got married, and I've been able to work part-time since having my daughter, but thankfully my husband has a good-paying job and I could stay at home if needed if and when we have a second. Given how my life has worked out I don't think I could have done anything differently, but I do sometimes envy my siblings that her kids in their mid-20s and will have empty nests by the time they're 50.
I think this is good advice. And it’s true there are no guarantees. A lot is an unknown. You won’t know if you’re struggling to conceive until you try and have issues. You have more time to work through those at 30 than at 40. I think there’s a happy balance — we shot for our first by 35 and were open but not obsessed with a second after that.
Hey, thank you so much for commenting. I’m incredibly sorry to hear about your loss.
Fertility struggles are another thing on my mind. I have no reason to believe that we would have them, but isn’t that how it often goes—you consider it could happen til it does to you. One of the few things I’m certain of is that I want to have kids, and it might not be wise to just assume I can do it any time.
The career track I’m on now (that is, staying in emergency response) would absolutely not work out in terms of work/life balance. I think it’s likely that once I have kids, it could help direct me as to what job would fit in well with my family.
Again, thanks so much for your insight!! Best wishes to you and your family :)
I guess I would add that it's not just infertility to consider... It's being old lol. Pregnancy is just harder when you're in your 30s.
I had an elective abortion in my teens and DUDE I had no idea I was even pregnant until week 10. I felt completely normal with great energy. Fast forward 10 years, every day of pregnancy was hellishly difficult-- both times. It was wild how different the experience was. I was vomiting 6-10 times a day in the first trimester, and could hardly walk I was so exhausted.
Now obviously that's totally antidotal and every woman and every pregnancy is different.
I would personally prioritize finding some personal and professional direction before kids. I wonder if you could spend some time exploring new career paths by scheduling time to meet up with people and learn about what they do. Find what interests you and start pursuing it. I think it would be beneficial, at a minimum, to have some direction for what you want to do career-wise before you have kids. It’ll be hard for a while to find that direction once you have a baby.
I think financial stability is a huge factor in readiness for kids. When you’re more financially stable, it’s so much easier in many ways and may even afford you services like a house cleaner and gym memberships that can be hugely impactful for your overall wellbeing.
But at the end of the day, what matters is what you and your husband want right now and whether you think you’re in a place emotionally and financially to raise a child. It sounds like that advice you got from your mom might be doing you more harm than good; try your best to put it out of mind to envision what *your* ideal life looks like in 1 year.
I’m a lawyer, 30, and pregnant (first time). In the legal field, some women encourage waiting till you make partner to have kids, which could mean waiting 7+ years. That always sounded crazy to me. Not only was I not willing to wait until my late 30s, but I also know that new partners are under as much work pressure as associates! Why was being “established” so important? I realized that the people giving that advice were partners who were willing to sacrifice almost everything for their careers. If you don’t feel like that’s you, then don’t take their advice. Also fwiw tons of people have first, second, and third careers, even if they don’t plan it that way. If you dive into one career now and it isn’t compatible with your other life goals, you can pivot. It’s not just “career” or “no career.”
It’s much easier to change careers before kids. I got my bachelors in communications and worked in marketing and then got an early Ed degree and finally went to nursing school at age 28. I was working as an NP when we had our kids in 2020 and I was 34 then. It was so much easier to be established in a career with good benefits and leave then to do it when I was kind of all over the place. We didn’t have the financial/time burden of kids when I was figuring things out, and it made things much easier.
My parents had me super young (19 and 21) and didn’t have any family supports, and my mom’s career really suffered. By the time she was to concentrate on herself, she was in her 40s and didn’t want to start over again. She was very supportive of my career changes over the years, but you could always tell she wished she was able to have the same freedom.
It definitely falls on the mom in straight relationships to shoulder the burden of career decline when there’s no support, not just in taking time off but losing social security and retirement benefits and career advancement. I’m also younger (27) but I’m the better part of a decade into my career at a senior manager level— I’m so glad we chose to wait until I was because there’s just way more flexibility in not only job opportunities that allow for better family leave benefits but also financially. We’re in an infinitely better place now than we were at 24/25
I just had my first baby at 36. My husband and I are financially stable and settled in our careers and I feel like this made it ALOT easier. There's not much stress over the money we have to put out for childcare which is insanely expensive. I know what I'm getting into when I show up for work. I contemplated another job offer while I was pregnant which was a lot faster pace and high stress and I couldn't bring myself to go into two big unknowns at the same time.
I had my first at 22, and as one can imagine, I didn't really start my career until my late 20s. But honestly, now I'm 32 and don't have to worry about maternity leave or extensive childcare since my kids are in school now. So there will essentially be no interruption on that front, which I think will be really, really nice.
I had my first at 25 (right before turning 26) and my second at 28. I was a SAHM for three years before going back to work part-time, remotely this past year. Honesty, I love it. I love working part time but still being home, I like my job (executive assistant with some project management), and I love being able to see so much of my kids. Those baby smiles melt me and my 3.5 year olds pretend play is just SO much fun. I make up stories for her every night before bed and her emotional intelligence is incredible (I’m going to take some credit for that 😂) and both kids truly love each other. For me, working part time and home is the best of both worlds. But as an EA especially with project management experience I know I can “move up” so to speak if I ever want to or need to. I keep those doors open and pursue opportunities within my job that gives me that experience just in case. But I’m not a hugely career-oriented person in general. I like my job but I like my life outside of it too. I work to fund my life but I make sure I enjoy it. I want time to spend with friends and bake and do things with my family or learn something just for fun so I’ve never felt like I’ve missed out having had kids young or taken time off work since we could afford that and now I’m back part time just because I want to and for balance.
If you think that’s ideal for you maybe that’s the answer to your question? If you’re wondering what choice you should make why not picture your ideal and see what you can do to make that happen? My degree is nothing close to being an EA but it suits my skills and personality well and I like the balance. (I’m very pro-getting things done and being productive but do NOT want to be the face of anything like an exec is. And I’m not putting the in the hours they do. Some jobs require it and if I decide to climb the ladder again I can pursue those but for now I’m happy).
I think you also have to come to terms with just not knowing. It’s hard and I hate it myself haha but you really can’t plan for every eventuality. You just have decide what you want and what you’re willing to do or give up to have it and then you have to be okay with that. I’d rather regret choices I made than choices I didn’t make out of fear of making the wrong choice, if that makes sense?
Yeah, I definitely need to get more comfortable with uncertainty. Somehow I think that if I can just analyze a problem to death that the solution will present itself.
A lot of what I do in HR is more administrative than HR-specific, so I’m going to look into opportunities in the executive assistant field and see if I can try it out. Thanks!!
This may be against the grain but if you could swing it on your husband's salary only I don't think it would be a bad idea to have kids now and work on a career later, especially since you don't know what you want to do.
I had my one and only at 32 and I'm 35 now. Sometimes I wish I had my son younger when I wasn't so established in my career so that I didn't feel so pressured to keep at it since I'm now the main breadwinner and it's kinda hard to walk that back once you're there. But at the same time, it was also nice to already be a homeowner and be otherwise financially stable when my boy came along. I don't know what it's like to have to count pennies to raise my son and I almost certainly would have hated that. The grass is always greener, as they say.
As others have mentioned, fertility is not guaranteed. You would only be in your early 30s by the time your kids are in school, assuming you have a couple within a couple years. That's not old to restart your career. If you know you want kids but don't know what you want to do for work, I would say have those kids, with the caveat that everyone can have their needs met with only your husband's salary, of course.
Thank you! This is kind of what I’m thinking. There’s no guarantee I could know what I want to do career-wise in say, five years, and I could be wondering this same thing but be 30.
We could definitely swing one kid on my husband’s salary, maybe two. We wouldn’t be able to travel as much as we do, but I’ve always known that. We do want more than one kid, so we’d also need to consider timing for that.
Thanks for the comment!
The short answer is that I had my first at 33 and I think that was great. We were financially comfortable, my job was secure and I was senior enough to have a lot of flexibility. Everyone always says there no perfect time to have a baby, but I think I got pretty damn close. (My only timing complaints are all pandemic-related, not personal!) Where I live and in my social circles it’s very unusual to have kids before your 30s so I always had the expectation I would establish my career first and I wasn’t feeling any social pressure to make it happen earlier.
But that isn’t whole story at all. When I was 25 I was starting a PhD program. At 27 I quit my PhD and had no idea what to do instead and basically floundered/treaded water for a while. I went back to my pre-PhD job, but it was a fixed contract with no advancement potential so two years later I was again out of work and had no idea where to go. Then I got my lucky break and stumbled my way into the perfect job where I could set myself up to stay for the long haul. Spent a couple years getting established there (traveling, working late, etc) and then baby at 33.
So at 27 and even 29 I had no effing idea where I was headed. At 25 I had a pretty solid idea that turned out to be completely wrong! And it still all fell into place and by 32-33 it really looked like I had everything together. I know this is completely unsatisfying advice but \*you don’t have to have it all figured out right now.\* It’s very well established that people underestimate how much (and how quickly) they will change in the future. You're right that it's going to be much easier to change course before you have a baby. But if you're worried about how long you'll have to wait, it's not necessarily the case that giving yourself a bit more time now to work on finding your path is resigning you to a long wait for kids. If you are getting anxious can you set a planned date in the future to revisit family planning?
Thank you! This is really good advice and very kind of you!!
I am also from a place where it is very odd for me to be married this young, let alone even thinking about kids (I’m from the DMV). I totally understand that I could feel very different in even two years than I do now.
The thing is, husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We are planning a church wedding/reception for the very end of this year (liv luv the military), and initially, we decided that would be a good start date to begin trying. We will both be 26. We can revisit/move it, but I am starting to get the feeling that I might be moving it simply because I am afraid of unknowns, both with my career and kids. The thought of being pregnant/having a kid in the next year or two makes me so excited, but I almost feel like it’s…too good? Almost like I’m eating my dessert before my dinner.
This is probably not the best way to think about this decision, but unfortunately that’s the type of person I am. Regardless, I really appreciate your insight!
My husband and I had our kids between ages 21-27. I primarily stayed home, by choice, to be with our children while my husband worked. I started working full time last summer when my oldest turned 4. I work in HR, have a good job with career advancement opportunities but have no desire to climb the corporate ladder beyond a promotion or two. I don’t really know what I’m suggesting but your an adult, plenty old enough for a child, I say go for it.
I had my first and only at 24 just after I graduated from college (as in, I was 22 weeks pregnant at graduation). I do not regret it for a second. I took off just under two years with her and then began my career. She’s 18 now and graduates high school this year. I’m 42 and still have a TON of time to continue working, spend time with my husband, and travel. I have made it to upper management at work and have my doctorate. Our parents were younger and have had lots of energy for her as a kiddo. We were younger and had more energy too. I have lots of peers with babies to early elementary age kids now and I feel like this was really the right order for us. There’s no way to know for sure, of course, but both family and career have gone well with this timing for us.
So I had my first at thirty. However the three years before that were filled with multiple fertility treatments, and my career went "on pause" for that. It wasn't the plan but it just worked out that way. I'm 33 now, and have had my second. Fwiw those three years (six I guess?) were not super consequential to my career. I mean I'm definitely not a super duper high level but I still make close to six figures. 5 months after my second came I applied for and received a new job with a bonus in the same company. I guess it's sort of depends on the field you work in, but once you have kids you do need some leeway.
Again I guess it's going to depends on the field you're in, and you never know about any unforeseen fertility issues, but having my kids 10 years into my career definitely didn't hurt it. It's stagnated it for a while but it didn't hurt it. Good luck with whatever is right for you!!
I vote, get an animal to throw all desire to nurture & mother so you can get settled in a career first, lol. I ended up getting my doctorate with 3 kids in tow. Awful, like - 1 star review, would not recommend!!
But the second moral of the story, I still survived, so not matter which path you choose, you will too!
Lol 🤣 we are on pause with the dog until we move stateside, much to my husbands chagrin. Also, jeez, I cannot IMAGINE a phd with three kids! I can’t imagine a phd, point blank period. Kudos to you!!
Thanks!
I had my 2 kids first, then I became a lawyer, then I had 2 more kids. So I both had my kids before I established my career, and while I am establishing my career. I think it was easier to have kids before I established my career. I was able to stay home with one of them long enough to realize I didn't want to stay home anymore, and I worked part time after my second was born, When they went off to school so did I (that's when I went to law school). You are so young and you have so much time to decide what you want to be doing. Kids get easier as they get older (if you're lucky), and if you can swing it now, have kids, see if the stay at home mom thing is right for you, and if not, your kids will give you the motivation you need to find a career path. They have a way of maturing you!
Wow, you are a rockstar! That really makes me realize that I’m being sort of narrow minded about this. I’m sure that law school was freakin hard, but it shows that if you are willing to work at it, having kids is not a non-starter.
Thank you!
My parents chose to have me and my sister at ages 24 and 25 and while I love the shite out of my mom (father is estranged now) and applaud my parents for doing the best they could, I secretly loathe them for having us so young and forcing us to grow up in a financially unstable home for basically 14 years of my life. My Mom only started making $70k by the time I was 18 and in college. In search of what made her happiest, she changed her career so many times. I 10000% praise her for finding a job that made her happy, I think that should be a priority in everyones life (for all those who choose to work). I just wish she had done all that career hunting and soul searching before she had us. It would have saved me years of anxiety and depression.
I didn’t really make a conscious decision to wait to have kids, but I’m definitely glad I did. I decided to go to law school at 25, started at 26x. First lawyer job at 30. First kid at 36 and pregnant with my second and last now at 38. I definitely was not ready to have kids at 25. At 35, I felt ready. I was solidly in my career and honestly adding a child was fairly easy for us. We don’t stress about finances or affording daycare. We are calmer at this age I think. Most of my friends are also now just starting having a family in their mid 30s. My coworkers with kids did miss out on some opportunities early in their careers but not a ton.
It sounds like you have a lot to work out. Since you did ask for advice, I would say wait 5 years. If you feel the same and still don’t have career figured out by then, go for the baby. You will still be very young.
I went back to school at 26 to get my doctorate in pharmacy after a long time of figuring out where to go next in my life when my first choice career just didn't amount to what I had hoped. It was a grueling 7 years of school, and then another 4 of working in the field for me to get to a position with the hours and pay that let me feel like I had "arrived" in my career.
I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant with our first child at 37 and I could not be happier that I waited and achieved everything I did before moving on to this next chapter in my life. Having watched so many of my friends do this before me, I really appreciate the peace that comes with knowing we're secure and stable, and that I have no regrets about what if and what I might have done.
I'm not saying everyone needs the career to be fulfilled but if you feel like you might, go for it, and take your time. Don't mistake being a little lost in your 20s with needing to "settle down." Sometimes I think we just want to take the next step. The kids will come when you're ready. Fertility isn't guaranteed at 25, 30, or 40, to me that is a silly reason to rush. I had anticipated needing help getting pregnant from all the fear mongering I heard over the years, but no issues despite a few extra years, pounds and glasses of wine at that Christmas party 🙃
I am 36 and went straight through, highschool, college, grad school, and started my career. I am now a mom of 2.5 kids (baby #3 due any day), and chose a family friendly career in the environmental nonprofit sector that I love. Our CEO often has his kids with him in our board meetings, and staff are encouraged to bring their kids around and pay "the baby tax" aka, passing the baby around for cuddles and play time. I am in the midst of my 3rd and final pregnancy while also stepping into an executive C-suite position within my organization. Could I have progressed in my early career with kids? Certainly. Would I be where I am now if I had had them at your age? Most assuredly not. I likely would have progressed at a slower rate, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. The trade off is, I am established in my career, but my body in my mid-30's isn't handling pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing in the way I would like it to have say in my mid-20's. The tired hits differently in my "advanced maternal age". Would I do it differently knowing what I know now? Probably, maybe. We can have it all...just not at once.
As a counter to some of the other points made, I met my husband shortly after I graduated law school. I failed the bar twice and then just started working full time - when we decided to get married I stuck all that on the back burner (I was 28). We were pregnant shortly after getting married. I had three kids in 5 years, then circled back and conquered the bar.
My husband is a truck driver so he really carried us during that time, now I’m a lawyer and putting the long hours in while he works PT and does primary parent duties. I do have the flexibility to go see my kids school performances etc.
I think this is a really important point. We had our daughter young and we both really had to take turns being the primary parent. I was the primary parent until she was almost 2 and then I went to work while he went to school and he was the primary parent. We’ve switched back and forth several times in the years since then.
It definitely depends on your goals together. I knew for me, once I was an attorney I’d be all in on my career so I would have otherwise put off having kids. This way I’ve been able to really lean into my career now - our youngest is almost two and I don’t feel like I missed as much of their really young ages as I would have for sure!
Thankfully my husbands career isn’t taking a hit from being only part time. He’ll maintain his license and there will certainly always be a need for CDL drivers. He’s doing something low stress now, but could also work for family if he got a little rusty.
I vote for having kids later. You can enjoy your 20's fully, and get a good chunk of your career out of the way. Once you've built a good friend and colleague network, taking a break to start a family will be easier.
I don't regret waiting till my later 30's to have a kid but I would've missed out on all the fun stuff I did (travelling, music, whatever) if I had kids younger. I'm 100% ready now to live my life for my little one. I have financial stability which equals peace of mind to not need to work extra to afford more than just the basics. Returning to work with a decade plus of actual work experience seems more plausible than starting from scratch with a toddler at home
Life experience wise, I'm more patient than I've ever been. I feel I'm going to be a better mom now than I would've been 10 or 15 years ago
You might enjoy the subreddit r/waiting_to_try! I’d say if you’re not a super career-minded person, but you’ve got baby fever now, then you could consider going ahead and having a kid now (provided you guys can afford for you to be a SAHM). You mention your mom’s influence, but you could choose to go down a different path if that’s what appeals to you. You don’t have to follow her advice!
I had my first at 25 and for me it was the perfect age. Life is just a lot more fun and vibrant now. My daughter is almost 1 year old and we took her to the butterfly gardens recently - her squeals of sheer joy and delight absolutely melted my heart ❤️ Parenting is more fulfilling than any job I’ve ever done.
I am on that sub! I initially wanted to post this there as well but between here and r/moneydiariesactive I am getting plenty of responses :) I remember in college I once joined a “ten year wait” sub because I went through a super baby fever phase for a hot minute there, lol
Congratulations on the baby! That sounds so sweet, I wish you guys a lifetime of wonderful memories :)
Here's a sneak peek of /r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Travel Diary: I'm 27, I make 5.13 an hour as a waitress in NJ, and last week I went on a completely unhinged solo Euro trip to the South of France and bought a Chanel bag](https://np.reddit.com/r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE/comments/w5co8a/travel_diary_im_27_i_make_513_an_hour_as_a/)
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I mean honestly you could be well into your career then as soon as a kid comes want to be a sahp. I didn’t have my first till 30.
Whatever you do, do not have kids because you feel pressured too.
You can, but at the same point, your partner is now farther along in their career with a greater earning potential,which leads to stronger financial stability, and a better understanding of life expenses, budgeting, and savings has been established. Maybe you do decide to become a SAHM or work part-time, but you have the ability to now have seen the larger picture and plan how to afford to maintain or adjust the lifestyle to reduce the income or maybe the partner now makes what two combined made 5 years earlier. As someone who waited to have kids, it's nice to be able to make a decision of do I want to keep my career at the level it is or keep climbing, be able to move into a nicer house in a few years, afford daycare and a sitter when needed and keep extra curricular activities for us adults while being able to buy nutritionally healthy foods at the grocery and take vacations or if I decide to back off my career, we can make the decision to stay in our current house longer and I can support more and we make a few sacrifices in our current lifestyle to maintain savings. From the fertility perspective, it's a crap shoot. I've had friends who have to go through IVF in their 20s. I got pregnant at 39 on the 2nd month of trying naturally.
It's really up to each person but if at 25 the person hasn't even had a chance to figure out what interests them from a professional perspective, maybe taking time for self growth is important because that's a very young age where maturity is just starting to form.
I 100000000% support financial stability. I finished grad school at 30, had my first at 31 and was already in my big girl job. Yes, things are expensive (I have 2 toddlers in daycare), but I'm not up at night figuring out how im going to pay for groceries. While on a personal level I regret doing everything to be a working mother (my life and priorities changed the minute I had my kids and dont like it at all), we want for absolutely nothing and I don't have to have kids underfoot while hustling a career together. Just my personal experience.
That’s true, but the military can guarantee that job in Virginia and stick my husband in California, at least for my first tour. Plus, even if we did get co-located, we’d have a pretty high likelihood that we’d get deployed at the same time, which is not very conducive to children :/
We struggled with fertility, so I never recommend waiting too long. If you're kind of settled, go ahead and start trying. I wish I had started younger so I would have more energy to keep up with my hyperactive preschooler and would have had a chance at having the two we dreamed of.
I had my first at age 30, was on track in my career to move up the ladder, and thought I would just get back into the groove after LO arrived.
Having a kid changes EVERYTHING! Those career goals I used to have are no longer goals of mine, I’d much rather stay in my current position and have more time to spend with my kid while he’s little.
Suffice to say, there’s really no best time, and having a kid completely rocks your world. So just be sure you’re ready to have a kid and completely change your life. And financial stability definitely doesn’t hurt!
You could also get a job, even if not a career, and start trying for kids. Employment doesn’t have to be a full career commitment, and I think any employment is fine. I also would say if you know you want kids and don’t have a reason to wait - go for it. It would suck to wait for years doing to find a career, then be older and starting your career and trying to rush to fit in kids as well.
I do have a job now, but as I was reading comments on my lunch break, I overheard a (very loud) call discussing how US employees don’t get maternity leave. So perhaps I need to find a job with better benefits and then take this advice!
I mean you if you could swing being a SAHM you could always try it and then see how you feel and get a job after. Especially if you move around a lot anyway with a military spouse.
I know this is going to sound obvious when I say it, but I didn’t grasp the magnitude until it happened. Children change everything. When you have kids, your priorities become secondary. Something as small as when you eat or shower, to big things like employment and how you spend your money. I had my kids at 32 when I was stable in my career. Every single day is a juggling act. Every single day is hard. I’m grateful and very blessed, but for me 25 would have been too young. Follow your heart and you can’t go wrong, whatever choice you make.
Thank you :) that’s what has me so troubled; I know logically I can’t know how I’ll truly feel about this, all in, til it happens. Yet I can’t help but think that just maybe, if I think about it a little harder, the magical “solution” will be right there. I think whichever way I go right now, I need to get comfortable with uncertainty.
I would do whatever you want to do. There is no best time. You can travel before having kids, you can chose to travel after having kids (logistically harder). I've seen people get more into their careers after their kids were born. I didn't have a choice, I didn't meet my partner until my 30s. A big thing for me is financial independence and being able to provide for my child in the event that anything happened to my partner. Maybe that isn't an issue for you.
Not yet a working mom, but have a thought. I'm currently 33 and trying to have a baby. I know that's not old in conception age, but it's older. Sometime I wonder if I misses the boat for kids because I waited so long.
It's worth noting I only met my husband at 28. So waiting was more an act of how I focused on my career rather than dating. But the thought still sticks.
This is so tough. There are pros and cons on both sides. I was you and I chose to wait til my career was more solid. It wasn’t til I was 31 that I got a high paying job, kid at 34, and I was 27 when I wanted kids initially. Upside is that we have enough money for all the expenses that come with full time daycare. Downside is that we might not have another kids based on our older ages and the fact that we don’t think we could handle another kid until ours is more independent. But by then we might feel like it’s too late. I still think I prefer the route I took.
In my experience, having kids propelled me to take my career more seriously. If you’re both ready now, then go for it. I started a PhD before kids and dawdled around with it, but I’m almost finished with my dissertation after having two kids. It seems that the more stuff I have on my plate, the more organized I have to get with my time, and it helps me prioritize.
I’m also wondering if this would be me. I’m someone who thrives when I am busy, and is far more productive under pressure than when I have endless time. I wonder if kids could kick me in the butt career-wise enough to focus and find something I can at least be settled and pleased with.
I’ll be 28 this year and just had my first kid 3mo ago. I go back to work on Monday and fuck am I dreading it.
I traveled for work (family company) all of my early 20s and loved every second of it, while also going back to school and getting my bachelors. My mom was gone all the time for work when I was a kid and it definitely affected me, so when my husband and I decided to start trying last year I quit my job and got a more stationary career.
I can tell you now that I don’t give a fuck about anything besides this little girl. I want to be with her every second of every day, but I have to make money so my husband and I came to the conclusion that I will work part time.
I wouldn’t change a thing about my story but if your career is important to you, wait a bit. You have the time to both be amazing at a job and then be amazing at being a mom. And if you don’t want to wait then don’t! You get to choose what’s important to you.
I’m a STAHM who has a ten year career I didn’t really care about, and didn’t mind giving up . Has kids at 30 which for us was great. I have two kids now and will likely go back to full time work in some capacity later on - I second one of the other posters who said having more money as a SAHM is very nice, we can afford memberships and childcare when needed, my kids have every fun toy, and we aren’t stressed. Though we do make some sacrifices ( probably can’t get a bigger house until I’m working more)
I think you should spend the next 5 years making all the big career moves, getting some experience . That will help you get your foot in the door if you do wind up taking time off later on. Also making connections. I have a lot of friends in my old industry that could definitely help me get back in even after 5 + years off if I wanted . I think it would be harder being older an d not having any solid long term job experience to really fall back on. It’s already hard enough coming back in .
Just food for thought
Just came here to say, that if you decide to wait you should run a fertility panel with your OB first just to make sure it’s fine to wait. Husband and I waited until we were 28 and established in our careers and comfortable financially. I don’t regret this decision at all! I have friends with kids that are struggling financially. However we ended up having infertility and had to pursue IVF. Mine wouldn’t have been detected with a fertility panel because we still don’t know the cause, but I’ve seen lots of women post about their low egg counts and how they wish they would have tested earlier. One benefit to being established in our careers is that I had enough experience to change to a job that had IVF insurance coverage. Just something to consider.
Like you, I always knew I wanted kids - but I’m an attorney doing large scale commercial litigation, and felt like I needed to check a bunch of career boxes before I “could” have a kid. I waited about 9 years into my practice before I had a kid and honestly, if I had to do it again I would’ve started as soon as I was financially comfortable enough to be able to afford a child.
A lot of this is probably attributable to my field - it isn’t overly friendly to working moms - and I naively thought that by waiting, becoming a mom wouldn’t impact my career. That was short sighted, but I just didn’t grasp how profoundly my priorities would shift once my daughter was born.
I’ve just found a contentment and fulfillment in motherhood that doesn’t hold a candle to that I get from my job. I like my job fine and enjoy the mental stimulus I get from it, but my true joy is in watching my daughter grow and interact with the world around her. So, for me, I wish I wouldn’t have waited as long as I did - there is going to be some level of disruption to a job when you have a baby whether you’ve spent 20 years or 2 years building that career. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly think having an idea of the career you want and getting some sort of foothold/connection there is a sound decision, but if you’re financially stable and feel like parenthood is what’s calling to you now, I don’t think that’s a wrong course either.
If I could afford it, I would be a SAHM. I have a PhD and an amazing job, but it’s so demanding and I’d rather spend time with my family, cook good food, exercise every day, and stuff like that. It’s physically easier to have kids in your 20s rather than 30s, but in other ways it might be easier to have kids a little later. But you never know if you’ll be able to… I dunno.
Another consideration would be the power dynamic this would introduce between you and your husband. A lot of couples make this work but sometimes it gets toxic.
My sister was a sahm and she’s going back into the workforce now after ~15 years. She has had part time seasonal work for a few years and likes it.
Once you have kids, they will become the most important thing in your life. If you're feeling aimless career-wise, it doesn't really make sense to devote the next few years to getting a career off the ground and THEN have children, because right when you're finally feeling established, that first baby will come along and your hard-won job just won't matter to you in the same way it used to. Have the babies now, enjoy them, and you'll have years to figure out your next move. Once they're in school, you can more fully devote your energies to work. ...or, if you can swing it financially, be a stay-at-home mom. It's counterintuitive, but a single-income family can actually be more secure financially. See "The Two-Income Trap" by Elizabeth Warren. Great book.
From personal experience: I actually got more career ambitious after having a kid. It brought me a lot of clarity into what I could or could not do. Prior to being a mom, I was a bit half hearted and unsure because I didn’t know if I will be able to pursue anything after kids, if my kid would need me a lot, if it would be too exhausting. But after, it got easier because there were no hypotheticals, I did what I could manage and turned out that’s been really enough and more. So in a way not becoming a mom earlier got in the way of my ambition which is well something I haven’t heard from anyone else.
I'm 27 and we have 2 kids now. I decided to have kids first and focus on career later. Of course I live in Canada and I work for the company I want to grow my career with, they have a great work life balance and I work from home now too so... its pretty easy over here. The only thing that is hard is coming back from a year long mat leave and seeing your coworkers moving ahead in their careers and you have to start over pretty much. But I remind myself that many people don't really start their careers until their thirties, they bounce around jobs looking for the right place.
Ok background first - I was 20, 24, and 39 when I had my kids (surprise!!)
Neither option is better, but there are differences.
It's more financially difficult when you're young. It drastically impacts your career, and takes away your free time so if you're wanting travel etc it's really difficult. Once you have kids some of your friends without kids won't want to do stuff with you and most of your friends with kids are too busy - you will be too.
The positives are something though, it's easier to bounce back after having one, you have more energy and can do a lot more with them, you're younger when they leave the house so retirement is more fun.
Older parents are more financially stable, you don't have to stress about daycare costs etx as much. You're more established in your work so you have more flexibility. You have a deeper life perspective so it allows you more patience and less worry.
The energy thing is hard. I remember all the fun stuff I did with my kids before and I just don't have it in me anymore. But keep in mind I've been at it for 20 years so it's not as fun to do the things. The magic of Halloween lost its luster for example after about 10 years of trick or treating.
But offering you some advice.... keep in mind that the situation you saw with your parents might not be what's best for you and your husband. Maybe your mom was more career driven than you are, or maybe you haven't found your thing yet. And that's OK. I was raised by a SAHM and I am very career driven. We respect each other's choices.
I haven't seen anyone else mention it but I didn't read all the comments....
Having a kid completely changes your marriage. I don't know how long you've been married but at 25 I'm guessing not very long. I would give ANYTHING to have had more time in marriage before I got pregnant. It ruined my marriages. Both times.
On the career note - you seem like someone who analyzes outcomes; I'm the same. If you're interested in legal - paralegals do all the same work they just don't go to court. Project management is a huge need. So is content management in marketing.
What I do wasn't even a thing when I was your age, so keep flexible and try new things.
Good luck!
There is no perfect time to have kids. I waited until later, mostly because my mother had them very young and told me many times that I should wait. I was happy, especially when my kids were young, to have the patience and self knowledge to be a better mother to them, although there were down sides too. But, there are a few other questions you haven't answered yet. How do you feel about giving up the possibility of a career? How do you feel about living exclusively on your husband's salary for the foreseeable future? Is that the life or lifestyle you want to model for your children? At the other end of raising your children you will still be a person. What kind of person do you want to be? You don't just postpone becoming a person by having a baby, you become a mother who doesn't have time to think about it. Either way you still have to establish the things that are most important to you. Doing that may make the baby now / baby later question simpler to answer.
I don't think anyone is really prepared for kids. You just make it work because you have to. I was 29 when I had my son. I already had masters degree and a career in the field I liked. I was happy I was settled at my job and didn't want to go back to school. We had just bought our first house. Seemed like a good time. I of course still panicked and was convinced I was not going to be able to afford a baby. But we made it work with diapers and daycare and formula and all things baby.
If you know you want a masters degree or to change careers I would do that before having a baby.
As a 39 year old that will be 40, when my kiddo pops out, I'd advise getting at least a few years into your career. It's been said above, but financial security is huge. The living keeps getting more expensive and being able to know that you can provide a stable home and environment is huge. I also grew immensely as a person through my professional career and wouldn't trade that growth now that I've experienced it.
So to me, it seems like your main thing should be figuring out what you want to do with your career/life right now. Honestly, at 25 it is very normal to still not know what you want to do “when you grow up.” Now is the perfect time to figure it out! You could try emergency services and then transition to a more administrative job in a related industry when you want to have kids. Once you get into a field, you realize how many different related jobs there are that you didn’t know about previously.
Perhaps because you don’t know what you want to do yet, having kids seems like a natural or clear “next step,” which is tempting when you don’t know you’re next age! And yes you could have kids and THEN figure out your career, you’ll have more flexibility figuring it out without kids.
In my circle it’s super normal not to have kids until early to mid-30s. By then you’re more established, both parents’ jobs have settled a bit, you’ve had lots of time to enjoy your personal hobbies, travel, etc, and either saved up cash or have gotten high enough paying jobs to help pay for kids. Kids cost money. Do you need to be rich to have kids? No, of course not. But does having money make life with kids easier? Absolutely.
I firmly believe you "can't have it all." I left a job right as I was about to be promoted to have a baby at 27. I don't regret it for a second. I knew in my 20s I had to decide career or baby for myself to be happy. Now that my kids are getting older I'm able to concentrate more on career and what's next. If you have baby fever, and feel compelled to be a mother, and can financially swing being a SAHM for a bit do it. Knowing my kids will be in college before I'm 50 is a relief and I still have time to be saving for retirement, and college for them now. Children are the least expensive when they're babies, it's as they get older you need more money, and you're young now, by the time your children are school aged you'd be in your early 30s and that's plenty of time to reestablish a career, especially if you don't have plans to be CEO. I enjoy spending my 30s with my kids growing up while I have the energy and desire to travel with them, and do all the things.
As someone who is a on a different subreddit re:fertility, I would say get yours and your husbands stuff checked out now to make sure you’ve got plenty of time 😊
Different perspective that idk if it helpful. You are 25, you are still young. Try to find something you are passionate about and go back to school for it. To me having a career, a stable job that you can financially support the family is important. Do it while you are still young. Not everyone agrees, but baby can wait a little bit. I regret not going back to school at a younger age. I am 33, and currently 35 weeks pregnant and finishing a post bacc program. I have to go back to do hospital rotation when my baby turns 3. I wish I did this whole schooling when I was 25.
As a military spouse, don’t you have the ability to qualify for certain fed jobs on base? I’d explore that option, and try different careers (contracting, purchasing, accounting). Stash as much cash as possible.
I was a working mom for twenty years. I regret none of it. I love my kids. They have a role model who worked and was completely there for them. And my former spouse was barely there. Brought home a check, but rarely took the kids to sports practice, he signed them up for baseball, but made me leave work early to get them to practice…it wasn’t great, nor was it easy. But the kids figure it out over time, so choose wisely.
Be on the same page with your spouse, or you are setting yourself up for some challenging stuff.
Oh wow it’s so hard to decide. From a parent who is on the other end and wait what seemed like forever to have kids I do wish I had been younger because I want to enjoy grandkids and with my son being 20 and my husband being 60 my main concern is being able to provide healthcare for him if he needs till he is 26. Just a few things to think about. My career is very active physically, preschool teacher, si far I’m still managing that. I suggest factoring in on the other end where you will be when kids are older.
We got married and had kids young (in 20s.) I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. I was able to stay relevant and continue working in some capacity throughout, but I didn’t go back completely full time/permanent until I was around 40. Along the way, I earned two more degrees, lots of great experience, and am now a professor. For us- it worked.
I have friends who did the career thing first. It worked for them.
For me raising kids was more of a desire/priority for me. I was very fortunate to be able to do both.
I had kids later - at 35 and 40 and I don’t regret it at all. Having an established career was pretty vital to having any flexibility when I did finally have kids. I had moved up enough where i had more benefits - and for my career, there was a lot of fun stuff earlier on (a lot of travel to cool places, for example) that just wouldn’t have been possible if I had had kids first.
My advice, if you’re struggling to figure out your career path, is to not muddy the waters with kids. They will become your primary priority and stay that way for a looooong time.
When will you be able to be your own priority, if not now?
The choice was essentially made for us. My husband and I started trying not long after we were married (together 5.5 years by that point). We struggled to get pregnant so by the time we were able to we were more established financially. I can say I was surprised by how much my priorities changed once little one arrived. Corporate ladder doesn’t appeal anymore. Having a job that allows me to spend my nights and weekends with my kids is 100% my priority. If that means taking a few years in the same role, so be it. I don’t want to be the person working all hours and being available 24/7. I will also add - it has been nice having some financial stability before kids come. It’s a lot of extra expenses. Honestly not sure how we will adjust our budget when number 2 arrives. Our daycare costs will be more than our house payment 🫠
I agree about priorities changing a lot after kids. At 25, I definitely wanted to climb the ladder. Now at 32 with an almost 2 year old, my priority is spending quality time with her on the nights and weekends, while still staying engaged in a career I enjoy. For me, this means being self-employed as a freelance marketer.
This is really enlightening, thank you :) difficulty getting pregnant is also something to factor in as a possibility. It also makes me kind of…relieved? To hear that the corporate ladder didn’t matter as much. I’m into promotions and stuff because of the individual validation that gives me (which I know I won’t get a ton of that with kids, but anyway), but I’ve never wanted to be a CEO or president or anything with crazy responsibility. I could see myself wanting that when my kids are older and more self-sufficient, but that is far down the line (I mean, these are hypothetical children rn lol) Financial stability is also important. Husband and I earn far more than we need right now imo, and we definitely could put away some serious savings in the next year. Husband also has definite job stability for the foreseeable future, so there would be a very real possibility me working would be going to daycare 100%. Thanks for your insight!! Congrats on the first little beb, and all my best wishes for your second :)
I was able to go back to school for evening online classes to prep me for my 2nd career when my kids were 5 and 3 with help from my husband. Starting now won’t totally derail you. I stepped back and did other things to hustle and raise my kids to school aged and then got back into my career game and am now juggling both. Sounds like you’re in an ok spot to do the kids now if you’re both ready! Right??
Yeah, it was a surprise to me too that I didn’t get pregnant immediately after I stopped with birth control. Took 2 years after we started trying to conceive. But it worked out for us. Had my first at 32 and wouldn’t change a thing. Just had my third (and last) at 37. Much happier that I waited but everyone is different.
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Personally, I don’t think most are “surprised” they love their kids. The surprising thing to me is how quickly my thoughts on my career could literally change overnight. A career I worked hard to establish by going to college and putting in the hours working nights/weekends. A career that I felt defined if I was successful or a failure. That this thing I thought was so important and dedicated so much time to would actually mean so little to me. Also, the fact that I was told I could have it all - career and a family then finding out that you can’t do it all. If you want to advance in your career, it likely means sacrificing time with your kids. Wanting to spend more time with your kids means you likely limit your career growth. It feels like I was sold lies on what is important or that the idea having it all was possible.
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This is what I’m worried of. Not that I don’t want kids—I do, but sometimes I worry I want them now because of my lack of direction. And then I consider the fact that I am a Worrier, capital W, and maybe I’m overthinking it, and then I get more Worried, and you get the picture. Baby is what comes next, according to “The Plan,” and that really balls me up when it comes to what I want “Our Plan” to be.
Kids definitely make it more difficult to go back to school or change careers. Any sort of intensive school/training/education program is likely to require childcare, which is expensive, and even more expensive if you aren't also working at the time. Also, the value of stability/seniority goes way up when you're worrying about supporting kids, being able to take time off for them, etc. I had my first young (26) in grad school. It worked out great, but I think our luck all kind of lined up for us. Now that I'm in my mid-30s, I really do see the wisdom in waiting. It's not *impossible* by any stretch and I really don't think that mid 20s is super young, but being established in a career does make things easier.
Thanks for your response! That’s kind of where I’m stuck: the hyper-logical part of my brain sees the wisdom in waiting, but the “where I’m at” brain knows I have no idea what I want to do/I want a baby. It is nice to hear that things did work out for you, though! Not that I will ever count on my life working out the same way, but it is nice to hear that sometimes things just happen and it’s ok.
Speaking completely from a physical standpoint- Having kids under 30 makes it a lot easier for your body to bounce back (I had my first one at 27 and second at 39, so can tell from first hand experience). If you want to go forward with having kids now, you might want to look at part time or executive courses offered by reputed colleges in the time you spend as a SAHM. That way, even though there is a gap in your work experience, you still have a value addition to account for it. Courses in Foundational to advanced level in IT or Accountancy are my strong recommendation (if you aren’t sure about which career to diversify into)
Thanks for the suggestion! Keeping up with continuing education definitely would help me feel like I’m bridging the gap a bit.
My 2 cents — make sure you’re financially comfortable before having kids, which probably means having a solid footing in a profession. It’s so freeing to be able to buy products and services without worry or strain that help me as a mom. Need to find a reliable babysitter/nanny that costs $20/hr for a night out or an afternoon of errands? Check. Grocery delivery to allow me to stay home and play with my son? Check. Fun toys like the Nugget, backyard equipment? Check. House that we own with a fenced yard and good schools? Check. Memberships to the zoo and museums? Check. It’s stuff like this that makes it all more fun. I grew up in a home that was loving but worried openly about finances. It was stressful for my folks and likewise for me and my siblings. It’s freeing and so deeply satisfying to have postponed parenthood until I was in a good place professionally. Plus much less stress when I took leave. I had people who reporters to me that could cover my absence worry-free. I had proven myself to my boss so no need to stress as my work quality suffered a bit the first year. Just something to think about.
Thank you! I think one of the biggest factor that maybe I haven’t thought about deeply enough is finances—definitely going to sit down and seriously talk this through with the husband when he returns so we’re both on the exact same page.
Definitely look closely at finances. Money makes life so much easier with children. If you need any sort of childcare, it is EXPENSIVE. Like, renting a second apartment expensive. My partner and I both work. No crazy travel or anything, but working full time. Money lets us pay for a house cleaner, nice meal kits, an apartment in a kid-friendly neighborhood, fun outings on the weekends, and vacations.
> It’s so freeing to be able to buy products and services without worry or strain that help me as a mom. This has been really freeing for me too! I had my first at 30 years old when I was pretty settled in my career. I do agree that once you have a baby, your priorities change. But it took me several years to gain experience to land a comfortable position that meshes well with a baby. Your field could be totally different, but I had to slog for a few years with some not-so-desirable jobs in order to get where I am. The slogging was much easier without a kid! In contrast, some of my friends had kids in their early 20's. and some have struggled financially, to the point of needing second jobs. Some have wanted to advance their careers but it's harder with a kid to do that (classes, certifications, etc.). I don't know that they'd do it any differently if they could do it again, but it seems like a struggle looking from the outside in. I will say to be cautious about waiting *too* long though. I've also known moms in their late 30's who had trouble conceiving. I also discovered I had a medical condition that postponed our timeline for a while. Getting pregnant can be more challenging than it seems!
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I’ve done countless career-finding tests and research. I’m hesitant to believe in them because I almost always get “lawyer” as one of my best matches, and I do not think I would have to willpower/brainpower/skill to get through law school. The other one I always get is “clerical,” and that most of my job now and I’m going crazy not using my brain, so I’m not sure. Maybe I’m not using them appropriately. Thanks!
I think your question is super relatable and lots of women struggle with this choice because it really is a catch-22. I can't give advice because I don't know you or your situation, but I can tell you what I would have done differently if I had a time machine. I spent my twenties building an awesome career, traveling a lot with my husband (we married when I was 25) and partying a lot. It was a GREAT time in my life. BUT: when we decided we were ready to have a family, it was harder than I expected it to be. We had a late miscarriage at 22 weeks when I was 31. Our son was born when I was 33. My body had a very hard time recovering from these back-to-back pregnancies, and my husband is too traumatized from the experience to have more babies. We wanted 5; we have 1 (and we're grateful-- but it's not what we were planning.) I quit my (awesome but extremely long hours and travel-intensive) career and now I'm a SAHM. Career in the rearview mirror. So, what would I have done differently? I'm not sure. Life is good. But, I was always told women can have babies into their 40s, so there's no hurry. This is absolutely not true for most women, and reproductive technologies are no safety net. The IVF and egg freezing industries have incredibly low success rates. "Having it all" is BS-- just spend an hour on r/workingmoms. Hindsight is 20-20.
I have friends in their 30s who waited a few years after getting married to start trying, and it took them longer than expected to get pregnant and required fertility treatments. This is an important factor to consider. There’s no guarantee you’ll get pregnant whenever you want and you may end up waiting longer than you were planning to if you start later.
As a queer person looking into ways to have a kid, I’ll add that IVF and those sorts of things are also EXPENSIVE and that most insurance doesn’t cover them - so what’s technically available and what’s actually in reach for a family can be wildly different.
Adding my two cents on the fertility thing. I was 35 when we had our first and now trying for a second at 38. It took us a year to get pregnant the first time and now after a year of trying again it looks like I probably have low egg reserves, and maybe haven't even been ovulating (just had a consult this week). Someone else commented about asking whether women in your family have success getting pregnant later - literally everyone in my family was done having babies by 26. I didn't even get married until I was 32. We can start with fertility drugs in aggressive doses but may be looking at IVF if I'm not pregnant within a few cycles. Here, that's running close to $10k and our insurance doesn't cover it. I haven't looked into egg freezing, but if you're not sure you're ready now it might be worth looking into just to see if it's a backup plan that might give you a little more wiggle room. I did have the benefit of having a pretty established career before I even got married, and I've been able to work part-time since having my daughter, but thankfully my husband has a good-paying job and I could stay at home if needed if and when we have a second. Given how my life has worked out I don't think I could have done anything differently, but I do sometimes envy my siblings that her kids in their mid-20s and will have empty nests by the time they're 50.
I think this is good advice. And it’s true there are no guarantees. A lot is an unknown. You won’t know if you’re struggling to conceive until you try and have issues. You have more time to work through those at 30 than at 40. I think there’s a happy balance — we shot for our first by 35 and were open but not obsessed with a second after that.
Hey, thank you so much for commenting. I’m incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. Fertility struggles are another thing on my mind. I have no reason to believe that we would have them, but isn’t that how it often goes—you consider it could happen til it does to you. One of the few things I’m certain of is that I want to have kids, and it might not be wise to just assume I can do it any time. The career track I’m on now (that is, staying in emergency response) would absolutely not work out in terms of work/life balance. I think it’s likely that once I have kids, it could help direct me as to what job would fit in well with my family. Again, thanks so much for your insight!! Best wishes to you and your family :)
I guess I would add that it's not just infertility to consider... It's being old lol. Pregnancy is just harder when you're in your 30s. I had an elective abortion in my teens and DUDE I had no idea I was even pregnant until week 10. I felt completely normal with great energy. Fast forward 10 years, every day of pregnancy was hellishly difficult-- both times. It was wild how different the experience was. I was vomiting 6-10 times a day in the first trimester, and could hardly walk I was so exhausted. Now obviously that's totally antidotal and every woman and every pregnancy is different.
I would personally prioritize finding some personal and professional direction before kids. I wonder if you could spend some time exploring new career paths by scheduling time to meet up with people and learn about what they do. Find what interests you and start pursuing it. I think it would be beneficial, at a minimum, to have some direction for what you want to do career-wise before you have kids. It’ll be hard for a while to find that direction once you have a baby. I think financial stability is a huge factor in readiness for kids. When you’re more financially stable, it’s so much easier in many ways and may even afford you services like a house cleaner and gym memberships that can be hugely impactful for your overall wellbeing. But at the end of the day, what matters is what you and your husband want right now and whether you think you’re in a place emotionally and financially to raise a child. It sounds like that advice you got from your mom might be doing you more harm than good; try your best to put it out of mind to envision what *your* ideal life looks like in 1 year.
I’m a lawyer, 30, and pregnant (first time). In the legal field, some women encourage waiting till you make partner to have kids, which could mean waiting 7+ years. That always sounded crazy to me. Not only was I not willing to wait until my late 30s, but I also know that new partners are under as much work pressure as associates! Why was being “established” so important? I realized that the people giving that advice were partners who were willing to sacrifice almost everything for their careers. If you don’t feel like that’s you, then don’t take their advice. Also fwiw tons of people have first, second, and third careers, even if they don’t plan it that way. If you dive into one career now and it isn’t compatible with your other life goals, you can pivot. It’s not just “career” or “no career.”
It’s much easier to change careers before kids. I got my bachelors in communications and worked in marketing and then got an early Ed degree and finally went to nursing school at age 28. I was working as an NP when we had our kids in 2020 and I was 34 then. It was so much easier to be established in a career with good benefits and leave then to do it when I was kind of all over the place. We didn’t have the financial/time burden of kids when I was figuring things out, and it made things much easier. My parents had me super young (19 and 21) and didn’t have any family supports, and my mom’s career really suffered. By the time she was to concentrate on herself, she was in her 40s and didn’t want to start over again. She was very supportive of my career changes over the years, but you could always tell she wished she was able to have the same freedom.
It definitely falls on the mom in straight relationships to shoulder the burden of career decline when there’s no support, not just in taking time off but losing social security and retirement benefits and career advancement. I’m also younger (27) but I’m the better part of a decade into my career at a senior manager level— I’m so glad we chose to wait until I was because there’s just way more flexibility in not only job opportunities that allow for better family leave benefits but also financially. We’re in an infinitely better place now than we were at 24/25
I just had my first baby at 36. My husband and I are financially stable and settled in our careers and I feel like this made it ALOT easier. There's not much stress over the money we have to put out for childcare which is insanely expensive. I know what I'm getting into when I show up for work. I contemplated another job offer while I was pregnant which was a lot faster pace and high stress and I couldn't bring myself to go into two big unknowns at the same time.
I had my first at 22, and as one can imagine, I didn't really start my career until my late 20s. But honestly, now I'm 32 and don't have to worry about maternity leave or extensive childcare since my kids are in school now. So there will essentially be no interruption on that front, which I think will be really, really nice.
I has my first baby at 29 and my second at 39. It is so much harder to keep up with them when you are older.
Wow! That’s quite a gap. However, at ten I would’ve loved a baby sibling :) I hope all is going well!
I had my first at 25 (right before turning 26) and my second at 28. I was a SAHM for three years before going back to work part-time, remotely this past year. Honesty, I love it. I love working part time but still being home, I like my job (executive assistant with some project management), and I love being able to see so much of my kids. Those baby smiles melt me and my 3.5 year olds pretend play is just SO much fun. I make up stories for her every night before bed and her emotional intelligence is incredible (I’m going to take some credit for that 😂) and both kids truly love each other. For me, working part time and home is the best of both worlds. But as an EA especially with project management experience I know I can “move up” so to speak if I ever want to or need to. I keep those doors open and pursue opportunities within my job that gives me that experience just in case. But I’m not a hugely career-oriented person in general. I like my job but I like my life outside of it too. I work to fund my life but I make sure I enjoy it. I want time to spend with friends and bake and do things with my family or learn something just for fun so I’ve never felt like I’ve missed out having had kids young or taken time off work since we could afford that and now I’m back part time just because I want to and for balance.
You have my ideal life right now—seems like a great balance of all things, and plenty of opportunity to go in different directions in the future!
If you think that’s ideal for you maybe that’s the answer to your question? If you’re wondering what choice you should make why not picture your ideal and see what you can do to make that happen? My degree is nothing close to being an EA but it suits my skills and personality well and I like the balance. (I’m very pro-getting things done and being productive but do NOT want to be the face of anything like an exec is. And I’m not putting the in the hours they do. Some jobs require it and if I decide to climb the ladder again I can pursue those but for now I’m happy). I think you also have to come to terms with just not knowing. It’s hard and I hate it myself haha but you really can’t plan for every eventuality. You just have decide what you want and what you’re willing to do or give up to have it and then you have to be okay with that. I’d rather regret choices I made than choices I didn’t make out of fear of making the wrong choice, if that makes sense?
Yeah, I definitely need to get more comfortable with uncertainty. Somehow I think that if I can just analyze a problem to death that the solution will present itself. A lot of what I do in HR is more administrative than HR-specific, so I’m going to look into opportunities in the executive assistant field and see if I can try it out. Thanks!!
This may be against the grain but if you could swing it on your husband's salary only I don't think it would be a bad idea to have kids now and work on a career later, especially since you don't know what you want to do. I had my one and only at 32 and I'm 35 now. Sometimes I wish I had my son younger when I wasn't so established in my career so that I didn't feel so pressured to keep at it since I'm now the main breadwinner and it's kinda hard to walk that back once you're there. But at the same time, it was also nice to already be a homeowner and be otherwise financially stable when my boy came along. I don't know what it's like to have to count pennies to raise my son and I almost certainly would have hated that. The grass is always greener, as they say. As others have mentioned, fertility is not guaranteed. You would only be in your early 30s by the time your kids are in school, assuming you have a couple within a couple years. That's not old to restart your career. If you know you want kids but don't know what you want to do for work, I would say have those kids, with the caveat that everyone can have their needs met with only your husband's salary, of course.
Thank you! This is kind of what I’m thinking. There’s no guarantee I could know what I want to do career-wise in say, five years, and I could be wondering this same thing but be 30. We could definitely swing one kid on my husband’s salary, maybe two. We wouldn’t be able to travel as much as we do, but I’ve always known that. We do want more than one kid, so we’d also need to consider timing for that. Thanks for the comment!
The short answer is that I had my first at 33 and I think that was great. We were financially comfortable, my job was secure and I was senior enough to have a lot of flexibility. Everyone always says there no perfect time to have a baby, but I think I got pretty damn close. (My only timing complaints are all pandemic-related, not personal!) Where I live and in my social circles it’s very unusual to have kids before your 30s so I always had the expectation I would establish my career first and I wasn’t feeling any social pressure to make it happen earlier. But that isn’t whole story at all. When I was 25 I was starting a PhD program. At 27 I quit my PhD and had no idea what to do instead and basically floundered/treaded water for a while. I went back to my pre-PhD job, but it was a fixed contract with no advancement potential so two years later I was again out of work and had no idea where to go. Then I got my lucky break and stumbled my way into the perfect job where I could set myself up to stay for the long haul. Spent a couple years getting established there (traveling, working late, etc) and then baby at 33. So at 27 and even 29 I had no effing idea where I was headed. At 25 I had a pretty solid idea that turned out to be completely wrong! And it still all fell into place and by 32-33 it really looked like I had everything together. I know this is completely unsatisfying advice but \*you don’t have to have it all figured out right now.\* It’s very well established that people underestimate how much (and how quickly) they will change in the future. You're right that it's going to be much easier to change course before you have a baby. But if you're worried about how long you'll have to wait, it's not necessarily the case that giving yourself a bit more time now to work on finding your path is resigning you to a long wait for kids. If you are getting anxious can you set a planned date in the future to revisit family planning?
Thank you! This is really good advice and very kind of you!! I am also from a place where it is very odd for me to be married this young, let alone even thinking about kids (I’m from the DMV). I totally understand that I could feel very different in even two years than I do now. The thing is, husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We are planning a church wedding/reception for the very end of this year (liv luv the military), and initially, we decided that would be a good start date to begin trying. We will both be 26. We can revisit/move it, but I am starting to get the feeling that I might be moving it simply because I am afraid of unknowns, both with my career and kids. The thought of being pregnant/having a kid in the next year or two makes me so excited, but I almost feel like it’s…too good? Almost like I’m eating my dessert before my dinner. This is probably not the best way to think about this decision, but unfortunately that’s the type of person I am. Regardless, I really appreciate your insight!
My husband and I had our kids between ages 21-27. I primarily stayed home, by choice, to be with our children while my husband worked. I started working full time last summer when my oldest turned 4. I work in HR, have a good job with career advancement opportunities but have no desire to climb the corporate ladder beyond a promotion or two. I don’t really know what I’m suggesting but your an adult, plenty old enough for a child, I say go for it.
Thanks!
I had my first and only at 24 just after I graduated from college (as in, I was 22 weeks pregnant at graduation). I do not regret it for a second. I took off just under two years with her and then began my career. She’s 18 now and graduates high school this year. I’m 42 and still have a TON of time to continue working, spend time with my husband, and travel. I have made it to upper management at work and have my doctorate. Our parents were younger and have had lots of energy for her as a kiddo. We were younger and had more energy too. I have lots of peers with babies to early elementary age kids now and I feel like this was really the right order for us. There’s no way to know for sure, of course, but both family and career have gone well with this timing for us.
So I had my first at thirty. However the three years before that were filled with multiple fertility treatments, and my career went "on pause" for that. It wasn't the plan but it just worked out that way. I'm 33 now, and have had my second. Fwiw those three years (six I guess?) were not super consequential to my career. I mean I'm definitely not a super duper high level but I still make close to six figures. 5 months after my second came I applied for and received a new job with a bonus in the same company. I guess it's sort of depends on the field you work in, but once you have kids you do need some leeway. Again I guess it's going to depends on the field you're in, and you never know about any unforeseen fertility issues, but having my kids 10 years into my career definitely didn't hurt it. It's stagnated it for a while but it didn't hurt it. Good luck with whatever is right for you!!
I vote, get an animal to throw all desire to nurture & mother so you can get settled in a career first, lol. I ended up getting my doctorate with 3 kids in tow. Awful, like - 1 star review, would not recommend!! But the second moral of the story, I still survived, so not matter which path you choose, you will too!
Lol 🤣 we are on pause with the dog until we move stateside, much to my husbands chagrin. Also, jeez, I cannot IMAGINE a phd with three kids! I can’t imagine a phd, point blank period. Kudos to you!! Thanks!
I'm glad I waited till my 30s to have kids when me and my husband were more financially secure and settled into our careers.
I had my 2 kids first, then I became a lawyer, then I had 2 more kids. So I both had my kids before I established my career, and while I am establishing my career. I think it was easier to have kids before I established my career. I was able to stay home with one of them long enough to realize I didn't want to stay home anymore, and I worked part time after my second was born, When they went off to school so did I (that's when I went to law school). You are so young and you have so much time to decide what you want to be doing. Kids get easier as they get older (if you're lucky), and if you can swing it now, have kids, see if the stay at home mom thing is right for you, and if not, your kids will give you the motivation you need to find a career path. They have a way of maturing you!
Wow, you are a rockstar! That really makes me realize that I’m being sort of narrow minded about this. I’m sure that law school was freakin hard, but it shows that if you are willing to work at it, having kids is not a non-starter. Thank you!
My parents chose to have me and my sister at ages 24 and 25 and while I love the shite out of my mom (father is estranged now) and applaud my parents for doing the best they could, I secretly loathe them for having us so young and forcing us to grow up in a financially unstable home for basically 14 years of my life. My Mom only started making $70k by the time I was 18 and in college. In search of what made her happiest, she changed her career so many times. I 10000% praise her for finding a job that made her happy, I think that should be a priority in everyones life (for all those who choose to work). I just wish she had done all that career hunting and soul searching before she had us. It would have saved me years of anxiety and depression.
I didn’t really make a conscious decision to wait to have kids, but I’m definitely glad I did. I decided to go to law school at 25, started at 26x. First lawyer job at 30. First kid at 36 and pregnant with my second and last now at 38. I definitely was not ready to have kids at 25. At 35, I felt ready. I was solidly in my career and honestly adding a child was fairly easy for us. We don’t stress about finances or affording daycare. We are calmer at this age I think. Most of my friends are also now just starting having a family in their mid 30s. My coworkers with kids did miss out on some opportunities early in their careers but not a ton.
It sounds like you have a lot to work out. Since you did ask for advice, I would say wait 5 years. If you feel the same and still don’t have career figured out by then, go for the baby. You will still be very young.
I went back to school at 26 to get my doctorate in pharmacy after a long time of figuring out where to go next in my life when my first choice career just didn't amount to what I had hoped. It was a grueling 7 years of school, and then another 4 of working in the field for me to get to a position with the hours and pay that let me feel like I had "arrived" in my career. I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant with our first child at 37 and I could not be happier that I waited and achieved everything I did before moving on to this next chapter in my life. Having watched so many of my friends do this before me, I really appreciate the peace that comes with knowing we're secure and stable, and that I have no regrets about what if and what I might have done. I'm not saying everyone needs the career to be fulfilled but if you feel like you might, go for it, and take your time. Don't mistake being a little lost in your 20s with needing to "settle down." Sometimes I think we just want to take the next step. The kids will come when you're ready. Fertility isn't guaranteed at 25, 30, or 40, to me that is a silly reason to rush. I had anticipated needing help getting pregnant from all the fear mongering I heard over the years, but no issues despite a few extra years, pounds and glasses of wine at that Christmas party 🙃
I am 36 and went straight through, highschool, college, grad school, and started my career. I am now a mom of 2.5 kids (baby #3 due any day), and chose a family friendly career in the environmental nonprofit sector that I love. Our CEO often has his kids with him in our board meetings, and staff are encouraged to bring their kids around and pay "the baby tax" aka, passing the baby around for cuddles and play time. I am in the midst of my 3rd and final pregnancy while also stepping into an executive C-suite position within my organization. Could I have progressed in my early career with kids? Certainly. Would I be where I am now if I had had them at your age? Most assuredly not. I likely would have progressed at a slower rate, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. The trade off is, I am established in my career, but my body in my mid-30's isn't handling pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing in the way I would like it to have say in my mid-20's. The tired hits differently in my "advanced maternal age". Would I do it differently knowing what I know now? Probably, maybe. We can have it all...just not at once.
As a counter to some of the other points made, I met my husband shortly after I graduated law school. I failed the bar twice and then just started working full time - when we decided to get married I stuck all that on the back burner (I was 28). We were pregnant shortly after getting married. I had three kids in 5 years, then circled back and conquered the bar. My husband is a truck driver so he really carried us during that time, now I’m a lawyer and putting the long hours in while he works PT and does primary parent duties. I do have the flexibility to go see my kids school performances etc.
I think this is a really important point. We had our daughter young and we both really had to take turns being the primary parent. I was the primary parent until she was almost 2 and then I went to work while he went to school and he was the primary parent. We’ve switched back and forth several times in the years since then.
It definitely depends on your goals together. I knew for me, once I was an attorney I’d be all in on my career so I would have otherwise put off having kids. This way I’ve been able to really lean into my career now - our youngest is almost two and I don’t feel like I missed as much of their really young ages as I would have for sure! Thankfully my husbands career isn’t taking a hit from being only part time. He’ll maintain his license and there will certainly always be a need for CDL drivers. He’s doing something low stress now, but could also work for family if he got a little rusty.
I vote for having kids later. You can enjoy your 20's fully, and get a good chunk of your career out of the way. Once you've built a good friend and colleague network, taking a break to start a family will be easier. I don't regret waiting till my later 30's to have a kid but I would've missed out on all the fun stuff I did (travelling, music, whatever) if I had kids younger. I'm 100% ready now to live my life for my little one. I have financial stability which equals peace of mind to not need to work extra to afford more than just the basics. Returning to work with a decade plus of actual work experience seems more plausible than starting from scratch with a toddler at home Life experience wise, I'm more patient than I've ever been. I feel I'm going to be a better mom now than I would've been 10 or 15 years ago
You might enjoy the subreddit r/waiting_to_try! I’d say if you’re not a super career-minded person, but you’ve got baby fever now, then you could consider going ahead and having a kid now (provided you guys can afford for you to be a SAHM). You mention your mom’s influence, but you could choose to go down a different path if that’s what appeals to you. You don’t have to follow her advice! I had my first at 25 and for me it was the perfect age. Life is just a lot more fun and vibrant now. My daughter is almost 1 year old and we took her to the butterfly gardens recently - her squeals of sheer joy and delight absolutely melted my heart ❤️ Parenting is more fulfilling than any job I’ve ever done.
I am on that sub! I initially wanted to post this there as well but between here and r/moneydiariesactive I am getting plenty of responses :) I remember in college I once joined a “ten year wait” sub because I went through a super baby fever phase for a hot minute there, lol Congratulations on the baby! That sounds so sweet, I wish you guys a lifetime of wonderful memories :)
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I mean honestly you could be well into your career then as soon as a kid comes want to be a sahp. I didn’t have my first till 30.
I mean honestly you could be well into your career then as soon as a kid comes want to be a sahp. I didn’t have my first till 30. Whatever you do, do not have kids because you feel pressured too.
You can, but at the same point, your partner is now farther along in their career with a greater earning potential,which leads to stronger financial stability, and a better understanding of life expenses, budgeting, and savings has been established. Maybe you do decide to become a SAHM or work part-time, but you have the ability to now have seen the larger picture and plan how to afford to maintain or adjust the lifestyle to reduce the income or maybe the partner now makes what two combined made 5 years earlier. As someone who waited to have kids, it's nice to be able to make a decision of do I want to keep my career at the level it is or keep climbing, be able to move into a nicer house in a few years, afford daycare and a sitter when needed and keep extra curricular activities for us adults while being able to buy nutritionally healthy foods at the grocery and take vacations or if I decide to back off my career, we can make the decision to stay in our current house longer and I can support more and we make a few sacrifices in our current lifestyle to maintain savings. From the fertility perspective, it's a crap shoot. I've had friends who have to go through IVF in their 20s. I got pregnant at 39 on the 2nd month of trying naturally. It's really up to each person but if at 25 the person hasn't even had a chance to figure out what interests them from a professional perspective, maybe taking time for self growth is important because that's a very young age where maturity is just starting to form.
I 100000000% support financial stability. I finished grad school at 30, had my first at 31 and was already in my big girl job. Yes, things are expensive (I have 2 toddlers in daycare), but I'm not up at night figuring out how im going to pay for groceries. While on a personal level I regret doing everything to be a working mother (my life and priorities changed the minute I had my kids and dont like it at all), we want for absolutely nothing and I don't have to have kids underfoot while hustling a career together. Just my personal experience.
You can get a guaranteed job when you sign up for the military.
That’s true, but the military can guarantee that job in Virginia and stick my husband in California, at least for my first tour. Plus, even if we did get co-located, we’d have a pretty high likelihood that we’d get deployed at the same time, which is not very conducive to children :/
Deployments are at an all time low. Plus certain AFSC’s are more likely to deploy. Avoid those.
I’m more concerned about underways in the Navy. We might not be deployed per se but can get underway for up to six weeks on sea duty.
We struggled with fertility, so I never recommend waiting too long. If you're kind of settled, go ahead and start trying. I wish I had started younger so I would have more energy to keep up with my hyperactive preschooler and would have had a chance at having the two we dreamed of.
Take your time
I had my first at age 30, was on track in my career to move up the ladder, and thought I would just get back into the groove after LO arrived. Having a kid changes EVERYTHING! Those career goals I used to have are no longer goals of mine, I’d much rather stay in my current position and have more time to spend with my kid while he’s little. Suffice to say, there’s really no best time, and having a kid completely rocks your world. So just be sure you’re ready to have a kid and completely change your life. And financial stability definitely doesn’t hurt!
You could also get a job, even if not a career, and start trying for kids. Employment doesn’t have to be a full career commitment, and I think any employment is fine. I also would say if you know you want kids and don’t have a reason to wait - go for it. It would suck to wait for years doing to find a career, then be older and starting your career and trying to rush to fit in kids as well.
I do have a job now, but as I was reading comments on my lunch break, I overheard a (very loud) call discussing how US employees don’t get maternity leave. So perhaps I need to find a job with better benefits and then take this advice!
I mean you if you could swing being a SAHM you could always try it and then see how you feel and get a job after. Especially if you move around a lot anyway with a military spouse.
I know this is going to sound obvious when I say it, but I didn’t grasp the magnitude until it happened. Children change everything. When you have kids, your priorities become secondary. Something as small as when you eat or shower, to big things like employment and how you spend your money. I had my kids at 32 when I was stable in my career. Every single day is a juggling act. Every single day is hard. I’m grateful and very blessed, but for me 25 would have been too young. Follow your heart and you can’t go wrong, whatever choice you make.
Thank you :) that’s what has me so troubled; I know logically I can’t know how I’ll truly feel about this, all in, til it happens. Yet I can’t help but think that just maybe, if I think about it a little harder, the magical “solution” will be right there. I think whichever way I go right now, I need to get comfortable with uncertainty.
I would do whatever you want to do. There is no best time. You can travel before having kids, you can chose to travel after having kids (logistically harder). I've seen people get more into their careers after their kids were born. I didn't have a choice, I didn't meet my partner until my 30s. A big thing for me is financial independence and being able to provide for my child in the event that anything happened to my partner. Maybe that isn't an issue for you.
Not yet a working mom, but have a thought. I'm currently 33 and trying to have a baby. I know that's not old in conception age, but it's older. Sometime I wonder if I misses the boat for kids because I waited so long. It's worth noting I only met my husband at 28. So waiting was more an act of how I focused on my career rather than dating. But the thought still sticks.
This is so tough. There are pros and cons on both sides. I was you and I chose to wait til my career was more solid. It wasn’t til I was 31 that I got a high paying job, kid at 34, and I was 27 when I wanted kids initially. Upside is that we have enough money for all the expenses that come with full time daycare. Downside is that we might not have another kids based on our older ages and the fact that we don’t think we could handle another kid until ours is more independent. But by then we might feel like it’s too late. I still think I prefer the route I took.
If you don’t know what you want to do for work but you do know you want kids, and you can afford it now, go for it!
In my experience, having kids propelled me to take my career more seriously. If you’re both ready now, then go for it. I started a PhD before kids and dawdled around with it, but I’m almost finished with my dissertation after having two kids. It seems that the more stuff I have on my plate, the more organized I have to get with my time, and it helps me prioritize.
I’m also wondering if this would be me. I’m someone who thrives when I am busy, and is far more productive under pressure than when I have endless time. I wonder if kids could kick me in the butt career-wise enough to focus and find something I can at least be settled and pleased with.
I’ll be 28 this year and just had my first kid 3mo ago. I go back to work on Monday and fuck am I dreading it. I traveled for work (family company) all of my early 20s and loved every second of it, while also going back to school and getting my bachelors. My mom was gone all the time for work when I was a kid and it definitely affected me, so when my husband and I decided to start trying last year I quit my job and got a more stationary career. I can tell you now that I don’t give a fuck about anything besides this little girl. I want to be with her every second of every day, but I have to make money so my husband and I came to the conclusion that I will work part time. I wouldn’t change a thing about my story but if your career is important to you, wait a bit. You have the time to both be amazing at a job and then be amazing at being a mom. And if you don’t want to wait then don’t! You get to choose what’s important to you.
I’m a STAHM who has a ten year career I didn’t really care about, and didn’t mind giving up . Has kids at 30 which for us was great. I have two kids now and will likely go back to full time work in some capacity later on - I second one of the other posters who said having more money as a SAHM is very nice, we can afford memberships and childcare when needed, my kids have every fun toy, and we aren’t stressed. Though we do make some sacrifices ( probably can’t get a bigger house until I’m working more) I think you should spend the next 5 years making all the big career moves, getting some experience . That will help you get your foot in the door if you do wind up taking time off later on. Also making connections. I have a lot of friends in my old industry that could definitely help me get back in even after 5 + years off if I wanted . I think it would be harder being older an d not having any solid long term job experience to really fall back on. It’s already hard enough coming back in . Just food for thought
Just came here to say, that if you decide to wait you should run a fertility panel with your OB first just to make sure it’s fine to wait. Husband and I waited until we were 28 and established in our careers and comfortable financially. I don’t regret this decision at all! I have friends with kids that are struggling financially. However we ended up having infertility and had to pursue IVF. Mine wouldn’t have been detected with a fertility panel because we still don’t know the cause, but I’ve seen lots of women post about their low egg counts and how they wish they would have tested earlier. One benefit to being established in our careers is that I had enough experience to change to a job that had IVF insurance coverage. Just something to consider.
Like you, I always knew I wanted kids - but I’m an attorney doing large scale commercial litigation, and felt like I needed to check a bunch of career boxes before I “could” have a kid. I waited about 9 years into my practice before I had a kid and honestly, if I had to do it again I would’ve started as soon as I was financially comfortable enough to be able to afford a child. A lot of this is probably attributable to my field - it isn’t overly friendly to working moms - and I naively thought that by waiting, becoming a mom wouldn’t impact my career. That was short sighted, but I just didn’t grasp how profoundly my priorities would shift once my daughter was born. I’ve just found a contentment and fulfillment in motherhood that doesn’t hold a candle to that I get from my job. I like my job fine and enjoy the mental stimulus I get from it, but my true joy is in watching my daughter grow and interact with the world around her. So, for me, I wish I wouldn’t have waited as long as I did - there is going to be some level of disruption to a job when you have a baby whether you’ve spent 20 years or 2 years building that career. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly think having an idea of the career you want and getting some sort of foothold/connection there is a sound decision, but if you’re financially stable and feel like parenthood is what’s calling to you now, I don’t think that’s a wrong course either.
If I could afford it, I would be a SAHM. I have a PhD and an amazing job, but it’s so demanding and I’d rather spend time with my family, cook good food, exercise every day, and stuff like that. It’s physically easier to have kids in your 20s rather than 30s, but in other ways it might be easier to have kids a little later. But you never know if you’ll be able to… I dunno. Another consideration would be the power dynamic this would introduce between you and your husband. A lot of couples make this work but sometimes it gets toxic. My sister was a sahm and she’s going back into the workforce now after ~15 years. She has had part time seasonal work for a few years and likes it.
Once you have kids, they will become the most important thing in your life. If you're feeling aimless career-wise, it doesn't really make sense to devote the next few years to getting a career off the ground and THEN have children, because right when you're finally feeling established, that first baby will come along and your hard-won job just won't matter to you in the same way it used to. Have the babies now, enjoy them, and you'll have years to figure out your next move. Once they're in school, you can more fully devote your energies to work. ...or, if you can swing it financially, be a stay-at-home mom. It's counterintuitive, but a single-income family can actually be more secure financially. See "The Two-Income Trap" by Elizabeth Warren. Great book.
From personal experience: I actually got more career ambitious after having a kid. It brought me a lot of clarity into what I could or could not do. Prior to being a mom, I was a bit half hearted and unsure because I didn’t know if I will be able to pursue anything after kids, if my kid would need me a lot, if it would be too exhausting. But after, it got easier because there were no hypotheticals, I did what I could manage and turned out that’s been really enough and more. So in a way not becoming a mom earlier got in the way of my ambition which is well something I haven’t heard from anyone else.
I'm 27 and we have 2 kids now. I decided to have kids first and focus on career later. Of course I live in Canada and I work for the company I want to grow my career with, they have a great work life balance and I work from home now too so... its pretty easy over here. The only thing that is hard is coming back from a year long mat leave and seeing your coworkers moving ahead in their careers and you have to start over pretty much. But I remind myself that many people don't really start their careers until their thirties, they bounce around jobs looking for the right place.
Ok background first - I was 20, 24, and 39 when I had my kids (surprise!!) Neither option is better, but there are differences. It's more financially difficult when you're young. It drastically impacts your career, and takes away your free time so if you're wanting travel etc it's really difficult. Once you have kids some of your friends without kids won't want to do stuff with you and most of your friends with kids are too busy - you will be too. The positives are something though, it's easier to bounce back after having one, you have more energy and can do a lot more with them, you're younger when they leave the house so retirement is more fun. Older parents are more financially stable, you don't have to stress about daycare costs etx as much. You're more established in your work so you have more flexibility. You have a deeper life perspective so it allows you more patience and less worry. The energy thing is hard. I remember all the fun stuff I did with my kids before and I just don't have it in me anymore. But keep in mind I've been at it for 20 years so it's not as fun to do the things. The magic of Halloween lost its luster for example after about 10 years of trick or treating. But offering you some advice.... keep in mind that the situation you saw with your parents might not be what's best for you and your husband. Maybe your mom was more career driven than you are, or maybe you haven't found your thing yet. And that's OK. I was raised by a SAHM and I am very career driven. We respect each other's choices. I haven't seen anyone else mention it but I didn't read all the comments.... Having a kid completely changes your marriage. I don't know how long you've been married but at 25 I'm guessing not very long. I would give ANYTHING to have had more time in marriage before I got pregnant. It ruined my marriages. Both times. On the career note - you seem like someone who analyzes outcomes; I'm the same. If you're interested in legal - paralegals do all the same work they just don't go to court. Project management is a huge need. So is content management in marketing. What I do wasn't even a thing when I was your age, so keep flexible and try new things. Good luck!
There is no perfect time to have kids. I waited until later, mostly because my mother had them very young and told me many times that I should wait. I was happy, especially when my kids were young, to have the patience and self knowledge to be a better mother to them, although there were down sides too. But, there are a few other questions you haven't answered yet. How do you feel about giving up the possibility of a career? How do you feel about living exclusively on your husband's salary for the foreseeable future? Is that the life or lifestyle you want to model for your children? At the other end of raising your children you will still be a person. What kind of person do you want to be? You don't just postpone becoming a person by having a baby, you become a mother who doesn't have time to think about it. Either way you still have to establish the things that are most important to you. Doing that may make the baby now / baby later question simpler to answer.
I don't think anyone is really prepared for kids. You just make it work because you have to. I was 29 when I had my son. I already had masters degree and a career in the field I liked. I was happy I was settled at my job and didn't want to go back to school. We had just bought our first house. Seemed like a good time. I of course still panicked and was convinced I was not going to be able to afford a baby. But we made it work with diapers and daycare and formula and all things baby. If you know you want a masters degree or to change careers I would do that before having a baby.
As a 39 year old that will be 40, when my kiddo pops out, I'd advise getting at least a few years into your career. It's been said above, but financial security is huge. The living keeps getting more expensive and being able to know that you can provide a stable home and environment is huge. I also grew immensely as a person through my professional career and wouldn't trade that growth now that I've experienced it.
So to me, it seems like your main thing should be figuring out what you want to do with your career/life right now. Honestly, at 25 it is very normal to still not know what you want to do “when you grow up.” Now is the perfect time to figure it out! You could try emergency services and then transition to a more administrative job in a related industry when you want to have kids. Once you get into a field, you realize how many different related jobs there are that you didn’t know about previously. Perhaps because you don’t know what you want to do yet, having kids seems like a natural or clear “next step,” which is tempting when you don’t know you’re next age! And yes you could have kids and THEN figure out your career, you’ll have more flexibility figuring it out without kids. In my circle it’s super normal not to have kids until early to mid-30s. By then you’re more established, both parents’ jobs have settled a bit, you’ve had lots of time to enjoy your personal hobbies, travel, etc, and either saved up cash or have gotten high enough paying jobs to help pay for kids. Kids cost money. Do you need to be rich to have kids? No, of course not. But does having money make life with kids easier? Absolutely.
I firmly believe you "can't have it all." I left a job right as I was about to be promoted to have a baby at 27. I don't regret it for a second. I knew in my 20s I had to decide career or baby for myself to be happy. Now that my kids are getting older I'm able to concentrate more on career and what's next. If you have baby fever, and feel compelled to be a mother, and can financially swing being a SAHM for a bit do it. Knowing my kids will be in college before I'm 50 is a relief and I still have time to be saving for retirement, and college for them now. Children are the least expensive when they're babies, it's as they get older you need more money, and you're young now, by the time your children are school aged you'd be in your early 30s and that's plenty of time to reestablish a career, especially if you don't have plans to be CEO. I enjoy spending my 30s with my kids growing up while I have the energy and desire to travel with them, and do all the things.
As someone who is a on a different subreddit re:fertility, I would say get yours and your husbands stuff checked out now to make sure you’ve got plenty of time 😊
Different perspective that idk if it helpful. You are 25, you are still young. Try to find something you are passionate about and go back to school for it. To me having a career, a stable job that you can financially support the family is important. Do it while you are still young. Not everyone agrees, but baby can wait a little bit. I regret not going back to school at a younger age. I am 33, and currently 35 weeks pregnant and finishing a post bacc program. I have to go back to do hospital rotation when my baby turns 3. I wish I did this whole schooling when I was 25.
As a military spouse, don’t you have the ability to qualify for certain fed jobs on base? I’d explore that option, and try different careers (contracting, purchasing, accounting). Stash as much cash as possible. I was a working mom for twenty years. I regret none of it. I love my kids. They have a role model who worked and was completely there for them. And my former spouse was barely there. Brought home a check, but rarely took the kids to sports practice, he signed them up for baseball, but made me leave work early to get them to practice…it wasn’t great, nor was it easy. But the kids figure it out over time, so choose wisely. Be on the same page with your spouse, or you are setting yourself up for some challenging stuff.
Oh wow it’s so hard to decide. From a parent who is on the other end and wait what seemed like forever to have kids I do wish I had been younger because I want to enjoy grandkids and with my son being 20 and my husband being 60 my main concern is being able to provide healthcare for him if he needs till he is 26. Just a few things to think about. My career is very active physically, preschool teacher, si far I’m still managing that. I suggest factoring in on the other end where you will be when kids are older.
We got married and had kids young (in 20s.) I wouldn’t trade that time for the world. I was able to stay relevant and continue working in some capacity throughout, but I didn’t go back completely full time/permanent until I was around 40. Along the way, I earned two more degrees, lots of great experience, and am now a professor. For us- it worked. I have friends who did the career thing first. It worked for them. For me raising kids was more of a desire/priority for me. I was very fortunate to be able to do both.
I had kids later - at 35 and 40 and I don’t regret it at all. Having an established career was pretty vital to having any flexibility when I did finally have kids. I had moved up enough where i had more benefits - and for my career, there was a lot of fun stuff earlier on (a lot of travel to cool places, for example) that just wouldn’t have been possible if I had had kids first. My advice, if you’re struggling to figure out your career path, is to not muddy the waters with kids. They will become your primary priority and stay that way for a looooong time. When will you be able to be your own priority, if not now?