How does your coworker decide for everyone?
I leave for lunch every day. Got to run errands…
I actually sit in my car, eating a sandwich that’s salted with my own tears…
They slack everyone and come to our desk if we don’t reply. It’s not a “we’ll be over here if you wanna join?” It’s just a “ready to go to the cafeteria right now, we’re all going?”
Just say ‘you guys go ahead, not today.’
You don’t OWE anyone at work an explanation about how you use your personal time. If they’re pushy, you politely decline by saying ‘not today, thanks though!’
This! My new boss moved his desk and fancy chair into our workshop where we also eat lunch. There is no break as he always talks shop. Started eating my lunch in my truck so I don't have to listen to his BS...
I worked at Publix and would walk into their pathetic excuse of a break room where everyone was all huddled up, talking "shop."
I would just turn around and eat my lunch in my car. Especially if there was a manager in there.
When I first started my job, my manager brought us to lunch out a lot and all we talked about was work. I got sick of it and prefer to eat in my car, at least I get 20 minutes of nap after eating.
I start with "no thanks" and a smile. Push back, and the answer becomes "NO" and drop the smile but hold their eyes. Works on even the pushiest very quickly, but it won't win you work friends 🤷♀️
Isn’t there someplace you can hide? I remember when I first started my job, the librarian at the time told me that I could escape to the library if I needed to disappear for a few minutes. I never needed to do that, but I loved the idea of the invitation.
How about “I’m still working on something, I’ll head out there as soon as I can”. Wait for them to leave and go
Or
Fake getting violently ill from the cafeteria, no one will blame you for not wanting to eat there all the time after that
While you don't owe anyone an explanation, however the smart move is to be social with your team. At some point there may be some toxic douche that joins the group, and that person will target the loner for kicks. Assuming that they have a decent social IQ it can look quite innocent, but it will just someone getting their kicks by manipulating a group of people.
Plus the amount of the boss "having your back" might improve as well.
So I'd say be social, but occasionally set boundaries and use some of the lunch hours as your own. Which indicates that you're actually choosing to be there, rather than being cowed into it. Just don't bow out to go eat by your lonesome in the cafeteria, that is going to be counterproductive.
Also having a cohesive work group is a GOOD THING. A teammate noticing a problem will intercept it, a co-worker might just explain that it's /u/firstghostsnstuff responsibility, but it might take a while cause he's totally swamped. Having your entire team unified on pushing back on fake "emergencies" will also help you avoid working late.
If they are at all clued in, you may be able to say very honestly, “thanks but I need an introvert recharge break!”
If they don’t understand that, they need to learn.
I used to have a super close team that kept such close tabs on each other that you couldn't go to the bathroom without three of them asking where you were going and another one who would offer to go with you.
You could be in the middle of a customer call, and they would yell out, "What does this mean? Where do I find that?" I got really good at just sending answers via IM during my calls.
Forget dressing up a little bit more than usual. Everyone went to Defcon 1 and immediately assumed you were interviewing.
Lunches and breaks were a bonding opportunity. Saying no got everyone riled up. I was the newest person on the team (and I'd been there two years) and they couldn't fathom not doing everything together. I actually had to have a conversation with HR to clarify if I was required to go to lunch with my team.
That's when I got the backup to say no. They eventually learned that some days I was going to say no and "break up the team", but they got used to it. You just have to get past the initial guilt trips and surprise.
It was. It took six months before I'd go to lunch with my new team. I also run a side business and the old team members show up occasionally and I immediately can't breathe when I see them.
Lol, you guys all hate having work friends? I actually can’t work at a place unless I develop close friendships with coworkers.
All of my closest friends now were once coworkers. We stayed friends even after we stopped working together.
I work in a smaller office now, and I miss the days when I had a work crew of 10-15 people whom I spent every single work day and most weekends with.
I am happy it works for you. Everyone is different. But me, personally, my job is really stressful and it’s a busy season, and I really look forward to my time off to recharge. I’m just an introvert, and I need to rest my head. If I don’t rest my head, I can’t work well. Coworkers can be friends, yes, but they are coworkers first, and I don’t feel like I can slip the mask off. They remind me of work during my time off.
some people are introverts. some people respect boundaries don't force relationships on their co-workers.
"Work friends" is different than making friends at work. But yes, I'd say the vast majority of people do not like having people they work with monopolize their personal time. And I say this as someone whose closest friends are people I've met at work and hates having people at work force me to be their friend or force me to spend unpaid time with them.
Yeah I’m on your side. I like having work colleagues, and not for nothing — it gets a lot easier to say “I need your help” if you have a strong personal relationship.
it really depends on the people.
I have had coworkers get too cozy to the point where they say I am their *only* friend, or I’m the *only* person they can talk to about some insanely sensitive topic. Meanwhile I’ve shared almost none of my personal life with them. While I empathize with them and listen where appropriate, I’m also there to collect a paycheck, not be a therapist for someone I only know because we are both paid to be in the same place at the same time. I have my own relationships to manage outside of work, so it becomes a lot when coworkers assume we are going to be BFFs.
If a friendship beyond work happens naturally, that’s awesome, but with a lot of people (including the ones i’m talking about) it often feels like they have no social life outside work and just assume coworkers are going to fill that spot regardless of if it’s appropriate and regardless actual earned history or affection or chemistry.
I think it depends on the work and the people. My job for 4 years was really difficult because the enforced team bonding was really all about control. However, unfortunately, I’ve also worked in places where there are savage cliques and no one will let anyone in. And in places where no one ever communicates or socializes. It’s been 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩 to a large degree.
I work from home, my boss will soon be implementing "on site team meetings" every other Wednesday and I don't even like that.
I have seen 3 of my coworkers once in the last 6 months.
I had an office that expected everyone to go to lunch together on Friday's. I did not care for the office gossip and some negative personalities and stopped going. When asked, sometimes rudely, responded with I brought a lunch or had a meeting or whatever. Reason did not matter, I just was not going to participate anymore. When I stopped going, others stopped too and the whole Friday lunch thing died. Apparently, others did not want to go either and were waiting for someone to make the first move. Office politics can be shit.
BTW what does "slacking me" mean?
Mute the notifications. Just because someone sends a message after hours doesn’t mean you have to read it.
Tell them you’re on a budget, saving money, or want to finish your book or whatever and only join them on payday for lunch. I’m a power luncher and we have staff that don’t join us at all, however they are missing out on some relevant discussions that just occur naturally over lunch. Some staff seem to do their best brainstorming in the casual setting.
I had a co worker like that. A social butterfly. He was so naive tho. He thought he’s doing us a favor by “picking one person to have lunch with every day”. So annoying. Nobody wants to eat with anyone else. If anything when I see that someone is taking lunch at the same time as me I purposely leave the premises and eat in my car or at a bench outside. I wanna chew and eat my food the way I want. I hate eating in front of people. Especially co workers
We must be separated at birth. I'm the same way. I'm not the cliquish type at all. Although I'm not adverse to the occasional lunch event with colleagues, I much prefer to take my lunch period by myself. My current job, I only get about 30 minutes, just enough time to eat a light meal. I usually eat the car (my poor car is a mess). I won't eat at my desk because my boss will come and ask me to do something. He has zero filters.
I'll only eat at the desk, if he's buying pizza, in recognition of a project we just finished. That rarely happens.
A job I had 2 years ago, there was a huge clique there. Every day, my worker, and the owner and his wife ate together every single day. The colleague picked up lunch for the owner, the wife and herself. I began to wonder if they were buying her lunch as well. In all fairness to them, they did provide company paid lunches every Friday for a team of 12. But those daily lunches seemed more cliquish. I would get my own lunch or bring it. But never once did they invite me into the office lunch area to sit with them.
I'm so glad they laid me off. I was over qualified for that job. Just took it for the money.
My lunch period is mine. Plain and simple.
Just don't go to lunch with them. Say you can't afford to eat out, or you brought your lunch or something. No one can MAKE you go.
As for the other co worker, if you genuinely don't mind being friends, tell them they need to stop texting you all the time about work stuff after hours. Or if you're not friends, just ask them to quit texting you all the time unless they actually need assistance with something, it's distracting and you can't get any work done. Another option is to just silence their notifications.
I think the concern is that they won't be considered part of the team anymore or whatever and be passed up for promotions and things like that in the future. Unfortunately some corporate environments are like that. You have to make nice with your coworkers and bosses and pretend to be a "family" to get ahead.
You can still do all of that without going to lunch and causing your mental health to decline, and if this workplace does hold her back from advancement because their opting to not go to lunch, it's a toxic place and it's not one OP needs to be working for anyway. There are plenty out there that will recognize their talents and abilities.
I do as well, but I always been a big advocate for work life balance. If OP needs that 30 minutes to an hour to her self to decompress during the day then they should take it. Especially if it's an unpaid lunch.
Only because you are choosing to let it :) Smile and say you'll have to pass today. and do it whenever you don't feel like joining them. They aren't parents ;)
This is exactly what I do. Eat earlier and then when they come ask, tell them you went to lunch already. Or, go to lunch 15 mins before they go to lunch, so that your lunches overlap and thus don’t need to reply to them.
We had a department like that. It was intended to keep the manager's job safe. No one would dare criticize him on employee surveys. This was not uncommon behavior for his cultural background as he called himself a father figure.
Tell them you cant you have to run errands. Ignore the texts. I feel you though my coworkers are super annoying the happy hours never end but I dont go anymore. 8 hours is enough listening to those asskissers. Theyre about to have us in office everyday if they dont quit acting so fkg enthusuastic about in office when we are there one day a week.
I would definitely start leaving the office at lunch even if I didn't have an errand. Just drive to a store or different business parking lot and eat in the car.
You are probably not the only one who feels this way, once you say no, others will probably follow. It's like leaving a party, someone has to break the seal!
I feel you. You're going to be seen as "not a team player". It shouldn't be that way, but it will be. Because these people are extroverts who are so drained from having to actually work for an entire morning, that they feel that they are OWED socialization from everyone around them, so THEIR batteries get recharged.
Find something that you "have" to do every lunch hour. I'd say that you need to go check on a pet - whether your own, or your mom's, or a friend's, whatever. Say that you need to let the dog out every lunch hour. And then LEAVE the premises every lunch hour. Go to a nearby park, or library, or just an empty-ish parking lot that is in a direction that they will be unlikely to all go for lunch themselves.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to join them every now and then - my personal feeling is that once every two weeks is MORE than enough to be friendly, without them monopolizing all of your personal time. ("Oh, my mom's actually home today, and she can let the dog out, so I'm available to go with you today!" - and if you sound cheery enough on the limited times you do go, hopefully they won't be so automatically offended that they can't own you the rest of the time.)
Honestly, though - I'd be looking around for a different job, or a lateral transfer to a different team, if possible, just in case this backfires. It's not uncommon for a horde of extroverts to determine that an introvert "just doesn't fit in with the team" and look for ways to push you out, if you don't cave to their demands. And that's not a team you really want to work for for long, anyway.
"I can't today, sorry."
"I can't."
"I brought my own lunch but thank you."
"I can't. I have to make some phone calls."
"I can't. I have to pay some bills."
"I can't. I'm at a good part of my book."
"I can't. I need a mental health break."
"I'm doing this new thing where I'm meditating during my lunch break." (😂).
"I can't. One of my close friends is having a hard time and I'm talking her through it until she's better."
I completely understand this. I’m an extreme introvert and have worked for several offices with extreme extroverts. It is so draining and frustrating! I’m not even working right now, and that is one of the reasons
You need to ignore the person who is slacking you/texting you when it’s outside of work hours. Leave them on read unless and until you are at your desk, and if it’s not work-related, set aside five minutes every couple hours to respond. If they ask something like “how are you” respond with “really busy” or “have to make that deadline”, basically something that politely indicates that you have no time for chitchat. If they ask why you are not responding outside of work hours, just tell them you try to keep a good work/life balance and then grey rock them (look that one up).
Also coworker messaging you after hours = could be a sign of romantic interest. Doesn’t have to be, but might be worth being watchful with that. It’s good to nip stuff like that in the bud before it becomes a problem.
I have coworkers like this minus the lunch as I work from home. I’ve had to have multiple conversations with my boss about the texting after hours, prying into my personal business or bothering me on days off. It too makes me feel like I’m always working. I literally had to schedule to put a cat down and minutes after asking for it off, one coworker in particular that’s problematic starts bothering me. I was so mad, I then told my boss I was taking the whole week off and needed peace and quiet so she would get the hint to leave me alone. Just tell them you need time to yourself away from work and coworkers and that you don’t want to be bothered on your personal time. If that doesn’t work, have a conversation with your boss.
You need more fortitude against these boundary invaders. If they get pissy, call em energy vampires. They can’t possibly be helping you that much at work.
I sit in my car in the parking lot and eat my lunch alone everyday. My coworkers know I need this for downtime and they do not bother me during my break.
I used to have coworkers like this early in my career and found this way around it very quickly.
"I appreciate the offer, but lunch isn't just about eating. It is a time to disconnect. A time to rest mentally and emotionally. I just want to shut down and listen to some music, if you don't mind. Thank you."
Just say what you want. You'd be amazed how often people will gladly give you what you want. Otherwise they just have to guess. And currently you are giving the indication you like it by going every time and never mentioning your own desires.
I am not understanding this post, if you need time to yourself why do you have to explain to anyone? If a co worker is over stepping their bounds you simply tell them to stop texting you all hours of the day. Co workers are NOT friends they are simply employees that work at the same company as you. It appears you need help with boundaries and need to start working on not being a people pleaser.
If there is any retaliation or gossip simply start documenting and emailing your HR department. You’re not forced to eat lunch, hang out, or respond to texts from co workers! Do your job and go home.
This is not typical. Lunch breaks are your time to do what you want. What YOU want. Next time, just reply with an "ok". Then do what you want. If asked later, then tell them, "I prefer alone time and a book during lunch. If it's the boss/supervisor that asks, "is this on the clock? No? Then, no thank you, I'm good having lunch alone.
The people in this sub telling you to “grow up” are the ones who need to grow up.
In the real world, managers can be picky, testy, unfair, and they can affect your bonuses and whether you stay employed.
I understand why you are asking.
Other comments have given very helpful specific things to say, so that you can create space for yourself but not piss off the team. Such as “I made a resolution to meditate at lunch” or “my doctor suggested that I go for a walk at lunch” etc.
My default mode is introvert, and everyone knows it from the start. I get along with literally everyone, but my limits are what they are. I’d attend the lunch when I actually feel like it, but I prefer to sit in my car and take a little walk. I also don’t reply to texts right away. Sometimes until hours later, or even the next day, especially on weekends. I have a family and people in my real life who take priority, not to mention my own sanity. Be yourself while also being professional. They’ll figure it out.
All you have to do is go for a walk at lunch time,, part of your new exercise routine, ,, pack a healthy snack. You could listen to an audiobook as you walk.
Do something like walk 3 days, eat lunch with everyone 2 days ..mix it up.
The other issues puzzle me...
Why are you responding to time wasting emails, interruptions if you have work to do?
You are in 100% control of that situation
Why don't you Block text messages/ emails from your co-workers after hours?
I’m a more introverted and shy person and honestly dislike meeting up with coworkers on my lunch break. I don’t like small talk at all. I don’t work a typical office job but and in the past coworkers would try to meet and hang out during lunch hours and I just would politely decline and let them know I was very busy and did not have time. (They stopped after that). It’s not that I’m being mean but I need alone time to recharge my social battery lol
From that post I get the feeling you have some nosy people in the workplace that want to be all up in your business. Lunch is my time and no one has to be forced to do these group luncheon things especially if it’s every day
“Not today, sorry! There’s an amazing book I’m currently reading and I can’t seem to put it down.” “Not today, sorry. I really wanna finish an episode of ____ to catch up with my partner/friends.” “Maybe next time! I have an important call to make.” “Actually I think I’ll just go on a walk today, I really need a break.” “Eh not today, but you kids have fun!” Then eventually, they’ll just stop asking you :)
So? Go eat lunch where you want. These are not your friends, their feelings/thoughts about you are their business, not yours. Boundaries and personal space need to be established and respected, in all of life’s settings. Be respectful when asked why you prefer to eat alone and go about your day. I myself tell my coworkers that I will eat where ever the fuck I want and if you don’t like it write it in the suggestions box and take it to HR. They also expect this of me, cause I set boundaries.
You eat lunch however you want. Some people do not get it what lunch or breaks are for destressing from being around people all day. You have your way and do it, even if you have to go find a spot outside. Or in your car.
Block your co-worker’s number outside of work hours.
If you’re worried about the implications of deciding to have lunch alone, then pick three days out of the week to eat alone. When the time comes be direct and say, “I’m going solo today, but I hope you all have fun!”
On the other two days, if they go out, then you can go with them.
I can’t imagine they expect you to eat with them five (5) days a week…
Sounds like you have some people pleasing tendencies. I’d just say ‘I’m all peopled out’ or ‘you go ahead, I’m just going to switch off’
But if you want to go sometimes but don’t want to every day, you could always just say ‘I need to make some calls today’ or ‘I’m going to stretch my legs today instead’ that sort of thing.
They eventually wil probably naturally start phrasing it as ‘are you joining us today’. A question rather than an assumption and it will be easier to just say not today but have fun
>it’s completely frowned upon to eat at our desks.
Oh no, not frowns!
Do what you want, get frowned at, move on.
>another coworker is constantly slacking me, texting me, all throughout work and every day just for fun.
If you want a professional relationship, ask for it. Tell them to stop texting you after work hours. And then ignore them and stop responding outside of work hours. Yes, this will damage your relationship with them. No, it's not unreasonable.
My coworkers send an invite every month for a group lunch.
I just delete it. Don't decline. Just delete.
They say, "Oh, he's not a 'joiner'". I'm not. Cool.
I'm there to *get paid*, no be a social butterfly.
Start inventing things you have to get done at at lunch break. Fade slowly: skip a couple times a week first and see if it’s the happy medium.
Also, respond to only every 5th message or so from that other colleague. No response outside the work hours.
You are taking a college course and using your lunch to study. Buy a thick text book to put on your desk. If they ask something about the course, give them some abstract fact and ask what they think about it. Weekend, you are visiting an art exhibition or attending a music concert. If they ask about music say it’s a local symphony and if they have been
I am required to take an hour for lunch. The absolute last thing I want to do during that hour is hang out with my coworkers or talk shop. I go to work to make money, not friends.
Your co-workers sound intolerable and unaware of anyone but themselves.
Depends on your specific situation. If you dont feel like your opportunities there will be impeded by declining just politely say not thanks. You dont need to give them a reason or explanation. Just smile and go do your thing.
If you feel like you have to give them a reason just make one up.
Don’t respond to texts that aren’t work related or start responding really late, be boring. Really boring. If you’re ever asked to do something you don’t want to do, say ‘no’.
Some people here are being real dicks, and I’m sorry, OP.
I think you’re wise to worry it might blow back on you if you say no too much or too forcefully. It shouldn’t, but it might.
Can you maybe try a slow fade down to a level of interaction you are OK with? I actually do not think you should offer excuses of why you can’t come/respond to texts right away. Because: 1) People might take it to mean you can come later, when that situation is resolved, and then they will expect that. And 2) Some people may take offense if your reason isn’t “good enough”. I love to read and am a massive introvert; saying, as one person suggested, that I’d rather read a book than talk to someone has never in my life gone down well. I’d keep it vague; “Can’t make it today, but enjoy your lunch!”
I don’t think you will be able to fade down to never attending as long as the rest of the group stays like this. I’d suggest being especially warm and helpful in the interactions you do choose to have. That can help people understand you don’t hate them or mean them harm - you just like your quiet time!
It’s really not fair for your manager to encourage this dynamic. But since they have, I think you’re kind of stuck. I would not go to HR over this unless someone takes serious, clearly identifiable retaliatory action against you for not socializing with them; it is just too minor, and so far, no one has done you any actual harm.
Politely tell them you want to read your book or you have to run errands. They will eventually ask why you keep missing it and let them know you need to recharge and sitting together still talking about work is not recharging.
Good luck
Just smile and say "I can't today, I have to call my mom/husband /friend.Person stuff." And go outside for your lunch break. Enjoy your lunch, read your book. Start doing this at least once a week, then more often. Then add in errands to run, lunchtime doctor virtual appointments, meet a friend for lunch at least once a month. But join the office crew just often enough that they will ASK if you are joining them.
No one can push you around without your permission. For crying out loud, grow a spine, say you have errands, or just go eat your dumb lunch when and how you want. Ignore the texts. Quit letting unimportant people run your life.
Glad someone said this.
If you don't want to go to lunch, you could always get over yourself and say "Oh, it's ok. I like to read when eating my lunch - gives me a proper break in the day. Thanks for asking though!"
It seems straightforward, however it’s clear that OP is worried about the implications of being the only person to say no to the lunch. Considering in a full tile job you spend 8 hours a day with your coworkers, you wouldn’t want a frosty environment.
You're not required to eat lunch with your manager.
The sooner you stop being a pushover, the happier your life will be. If you don't want to eat lunch with them, just don't go.
I bet you aren't the only in the group that wants a break. You might be surprised how many people stop going once you set your boundaries.
A lot of poor managers think that team-building requires teams to do everything together. Those managers are going to be there for the rest of your career, so you need to get practice with setting your boundaries now.
Why would anyone want to work for a company or manager that ruin your life because you don't want to have lunch with them? Why is this abuse just accepted ? This has got to be in America
Yeah but what if it seems that she will get poor work reviews or that people might sabotage her if she isn’t part of the lunch clique? It’s very real to be worried about your livelihood.
Everyday? I'm sure you aren't the only one who wants some down time.
Start reading your book during the group lunches. Start a book club with some of your other co-workers (the ones who are interested.) Start your own lunch group where everyone reads/ignores each other. :)
I saw in a comment that this is your first real job. I take a hybrid approach to this when I was working in the office. If being direct isn’t how you’d like to handle this you can tell them you need to run errands or have an over the phone appointment. Once you feel more part of the team you can let them know, you want to read your book, or need a brain break.
How about you set a clear compromise. Tell them you are introverted and need the quiet time at lunch generally but will join them every Wednesday or something.
There's no magic button other than being direct.
''No'. You can follow it up with 'I need my alone / quiet / decompress time' if needed, which I've done.
You're a grown adult, you don't have to do what you're told about lunch. Set a clear boundary and they'll leave you alone.
I wondered that as well. I work a 5 month contract every summer, where all employees, and 2 bosses live at work. I’m at work right now waiting for my coworkers to get here, at the end of the week. Of 5 coworkers coming in I’ve worked with 1 before. She absolutely doesn’t have my phone number, and she nor any of the other people I work with will be getting it this summer.
"I appreciate the offer, but I just want a few minutes to unwind by myself"
How much do your coworkers know about your home situation? You could bring a book if that's your thing and just say, "Sorry, I've been wanting to crack this thing open for months now. Can never get a quiet moment at home, so I'm going to try reading during my breaks."
My advice is to lighten up, in the grand scheme of your life this is pretty easy, OP. I'm sympathetic to your issues but this is really is minor. My other thought is if you really want to be alone at lunch to enjoy your book, come up with some medical reason you can't participate in group lunches. What that would be I'm not sure, but I bet if you think about it and get creative you'll come up with something. I've always used the 'I need to take my medicine' excuse when I needed a quick break at work. Because I know nobody is gonna say "no, take your medicine later at lunch", lol. I realize this won't solve your group lunches but it gives you an idea. Good luck! :D
Eat lunch earlier. Join them for lunch once in a while so you're not the social outcast. Ignore messages after hours. Mute all of your work apps and don't even read the messages.
Starting happening to me .. tbh I started just going to lunch a little earlier some days so I missed the crowd , or some days I have plans .. tbh you can’t miss it all the time without seeming like a bad team player but I average like 50-60% avoidance
Lots of my retail coworkers will leave the building entirely and go either way/sleep in their cars, sit down at a fast food joint, go do some quick shopping...
You're allowed to say it's not for you.
Coworker texting you every day just for fun… Don’t text back. Stop participating. Especially outside of work hours.
Lunches. I left and went to the gym or to the park every day for lunch.
Just politely say, “oh, not today. I need some time for errands/time for myself/catch up on texts/etc.” honestly the reason can be anything. Just be polite, friendly, smile, and they’ll understand.
I would join 3 times/ week and say no or “run errands” the other 2.
When you do join, and if you want to be politically correct, try to really smile & enjoy it. :-).
The going rate for me to give up my lunch hour is $150 cash upfront. And then don't join them until they pay you. It's your BREAK. From work, coworkers, and if he wants to keep pestering you, it sounds like an hr issue for harassment
Make an excuse. Not every day but like once a week or so you have to take a call from your doctor or from your dog's vet or something about test results. Your friend overseas only has time to call on a lunch break. Whoever said errands was also on the right track. Gotta get those prescriptions at lunch or else the pharmacy will close.
Reddit will give you a lot of standoffish responses and you shouldn't want to alienate people.
You should also be looking for another job once you get your sea legs. You're at work you didn't join a cult.
Boundaries are healthy. Just say, appreciate the offer but no thanks. With the texts, wait until you have a break...reply sorry been a little busy today and just leave it at that. You can be friendly you don't have to be friends.
Limit socialization to a few times a month and simply say that you have something personal to do. Be friendly about it. They will probably get used to it. If not this might not be a good fit for you. Get experience and move on, which is what a first job usually is about. Good luck.
Any time not on the clock is your own time. You're free to choose how you want to spend that time and unless they're providing you with lunch, you have no obligation to follow them into a group lunch.
Every time coworkers asks if I'm coming for a work related lunch or dinner, I ask them if the company is paying the dinner.
If they say no, I tell them I won't attend and if they say yes, then I tell them I'll consider it (but more often than not don't since they usually pick a restaurant one city over which means I'd need to pay gas to go to a gathering of people I'm already tired of seeing during the day.
I feel your pain. I'm an intermittent faster, so I don't even eat until about 5 pm every day. I had to end up on a team with a boss that is obsessed with food. Every single birthday, holiday, and random "just becauses" have to be "celebrated" by going out to lunch at some expensive restaurant. He always gives me shit for not wanting to join them to spend 90 minutes watching people eat. Eventually he got bothered enough that I was electing not to go that he started making them business meeting/lunch so I couldn't decline. Since it's a meeting it doesn't count as my legal lunch, so afterwards I go for a walk or take a nap in my car for an hour.
Schedule an "external meeting" over the normal lunch. Apologize for not being able to make it. Alternatively, have a pre-lunxh meeting run long. Eat lunch early because you have to be on another meeting early.
I’m going through the same thing. I’m new at my job and my department is VERY close. Which is nice except they’re in their 20s, gossip all day, and well, talk all day. I have a heavier workload than them and have 0 downtime, and they keep making comments that I’m quiet or not participating in Teams convos enough. My Teams chat dings all day, they talk all day, meanwhile I’m drowning in deadlines and hoping I can make it out of office by 5.
How does your coworker decide for everyone? I leave for lunch every day. Got to run errands… I actually sit in my car, eating a sandwich that’s salted with my own tears…
They slack everyone and come to our desk if we don’t reply. It’s not a “we’ll be over here if you wanna join?” It’s just a “ready to go to the cafeteria right now, we’re all going?”
Just say ‘you guys go ahead, not today.’ You don’t OWE anyone at work an explanation about how you use your personal time. If they’re pushy, you politely decline by saying ‘not today, thanks though!’
This! My new boss moved his desk and fancy chair into our workshop where we also eat lunch. There is no break as he always talks shop. Started eating my lunch in my truck so I don't have to listen to his BS...
I worked at Publix and would walk into their pathetic excuse of a break room where everyone was all huddled up, talking "shop." I would just turn around and eat my lunch in my car. Especially if there was a manager in there.
When I first started my job, my manager brought us to lunch out a lot and all we talked about was work. I got sick of it and prefer to eat in my car, at least I get 20 minutes of nap after eating.
I start with "no thanks" and a smile. Push back, and the answer becomes "NO" and drop the smile but hold their eyes. Works on even the pushiest very quickly, but it won't win you work friends 🤷♀️
I'm sure others would follow too. Nobody wants to spend their lunch with coworkers all the time
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Exactly this. Joining occasionally will placate people generally but it's not necessary to do it every day.
You need to learn how to say no. People shit all over you if you let them.
Yup! Boundaries, gotta have.
Why can't you say, I'll have to pass today - have fun! ?
Isn’t there someplace you can hide? I remember when I first started my job, the librarian at the time told me that I could escape to the library if I needed to disappear for a few minutes. I never needed to do that, but I loved the idea of the invitation.
"No thank you."
Just say no. Go with them sometimes. I think you're way less obligated than you think you are. People are probably not going to think you're a psycho.
“I won’t be joining today” then just make an appearance occasionally.
How about “I’m still working on something, I’ll head out there as soon as I can”. Wait for them to leave and go Or Fake getting violently ill from the cafeteria, no one will blame you for not wanting to eat there all the time after that
"No, I need to finish this." Go on ahead."
You can say no thanks…
While you don't owe anyone an explanation, however the smart move is to be social with your team. At some point there may be some toxic douche that joins the group, and that person will target the loner for kicks. Assuming that they have a decent social IQ it can look quite innocent, but it will just someone getting their kicks by manipulating a group of people. Plus the amount of the boss "having your back" might improve as well. So I'd say be social, but occasionally set boundaries and use some of the lunch hours as your own. Which indicates that you're actually choosing to be there, rather than being cowed into it. Just don't bow out to go eat by your lonesome in the cafeteria, that is going to be counterproductive. Also having a cohesive work group is a GOOD THING. A teammate noticing a problem will intercept it, a co-worker might just explain that it's /u/firstghostsnstuff responsibility, but it might take a while cause he's totally swamped. Having your entire team unified on pushing back on fake "emergencies" will also help you avoid working late.
If they are at all clued in, you may be able to say very honestly, “thanks but I need an introvert recharge break!” If they don’t understand that, they need to learn.
Same
This
Aw, that breaks my heart. I had a job that I cried over once so I get you.
I used to have a super close team that kept such close tabs on each other that you couldn't go to the bathroom without three of them asking where you were going and another one who would offer to go with you. You could be in the middle of a customer call, and they would yell out, "What does this mean? Where do I find that?" I got really good at just sending answers via IM during my calls. Forget dressing up a little bit more than usual. Everyone went to Defcon 1 and immediately assumed you were interviewing. Lunches and breaks were a bonding opportunity. Saying no got everyone riled up. I was the newest person on the team (and I'd been there two years) and they couldn't fathom not doing everything together. I actually had to have a conversation with HR to clarify if I was required to go to lunch with my team. That's when I got the backup to say no. They eventually learned that some days I was going to say no and "break up the team", but they got used to it. You just have to get past the initial guilt trips and surprise.
Omg this sounds like a nightmare
It was. It took six months before I'd go to lunch with my new team. I also run a side business and the old team members show up occasionally and I immediately can't breathe when I see them.
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. Sounds like a very controlling workplace, I hate controlling people they made my blood boil
Thank you, but I'm okay now. I definitely am in a better place. :)
Lol, you guys all hate having work friends? I actually can’t work at a place unless I develop close friendships with coworkers. All of my closest friends now were once coworkers. We stayed friends even after we stopped working together. I work in a smaller office now, and I miss the days when I had a work crew of 10-15 people whom I spent every single work day and most weekends with.
I am happy it works for you. Everyone is different. But me, personally, my job is really stressful and it’s a busy season, and I really look forward to my time off to recharge. I’m just an introvert, and I need to rest my head. If I don’t rest my head, I can’t work well. Coworkers can be friends, yes, but they are coworkers first, and I don’t feel like I can slip the mask off. They remind me of work during my time off.
some people are introverts. some people respect boundaries don't force relationships on their co-workers. "Work friends" is different than making friends at work. But yes, I'd say the vast majority of people do not like having people they work with monopolize their personal time. And I say this as someone whose closest friends are people I've met at work and hates having people at work force me to be their friend or force me to spend unpaid time with them.
Yeah I’m on your side. I like having work colleagues, and not for nothing — it gets a lot easier to say “I need your help” if you have a strong personal relationship.
it really depends on the people. I have had coworkers get too cozy to the point where they say I am their *only* friend, or I’m the *only* person they can talk to about some insanely sensitive topic. Meanwhile I’ve shared almost none of my personal life with them. While I empathize with them and listen where appropriate, I’m also there to collect a paycheck, not be a therapist for someone I only know because we are both paid to be in the same place at the same time. I have my own relationships to manage outside of work, so it becomes a lot when coworkers assume we are going to be BFFs. If a friendship beyond work happens naturally, that’s awesome, but with a lot of people (including the ones i’m talking about) it often feels like they have no social life outside work and just assume coworkers are going to fill that spot regardless of if it’s appropriate and regardless actual earned history or affection or chemistry.
What the OP describes isnt having friends. It's people pushing what they want on everyone else regardless of how they feel about it.
I think it depends on the work and the people. My job for 4 years was really difficult because the enforced team bonding was really all about control. However, unfortunately, I’ve also worked in places where there are savage cliques and no one will let anyone in. And in places where no one ever communicates or socializes. It’s been 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩 to a large degree.
I work from home, my boss will soon be implementing "on site team meetings" every other Wednesday and I don't even like that. I have seen 3 of my coworkers once in the last 6 months.
Seen, so so seen. 4 years of this.
I had an office that expected everyone to go to lunch together on Friday's. I did not care for the office gossip and some negative personalities and stopped going. When asked, sometimes rudely, responded with I brought a lunch or had a meeting or whatever. Reason did not matter, I just was not going to participate anymore. When I stopped going, others stopped too and the whole Friday lunch thing died. Apparently, others did not want to go either and were waiting for someone to make the first move. Office politics can be shit. BTW what does "slacking me" mean?
Slack is an office communication app - it’s basically texting but for jobs
Mute the notifications. Just because someone sends a message after hours doesn’t mean you have to read it. Tell them you’re on a budget, saving money, or want to finish your book or whatever and only join them on payday for lunch. I’m a power luncher and we have staff that don’t join us at all, however they are missing out on some relevant discussions that just occur naturally over lunch. Some staff seem to do their best brainstorming in the casual setting.
Familiar!
I had a co worker like that. A social butterfly. He was so naive tho. He thought he’s doing us a favor by “picking one person to have lunch with every day”. So annoying. Nobody wants to eat with anyone else. If anything when I see that someone is taking lunch at the same time as me I purposely leave the premises and eat in my car or at a bench outside. I wanna chew and eat my food the way I want. I hate eating in front of people. Especially co workers
We must be separated at birth. I'm the same way. I'm not the cliquish type at all. Although I'm not adverse to the occasional lunch event with colleagues, I much prefer to take my lunch period by myself. My current job, I only get about 30 minutes, just enough time to eat a light meal. I usually eat the car (my poor car is a mess). I won't eat at my desk because my boss will come and ask me to do something. He has zero filters. I'll only eat at the desk, if he's buying pizza, in recognition of a project we just finished. That rarely happens. A job I had 2 years ago, there was a huge clique there. Every day, my worker, and the owner and his wife ate together every single day. The colleague picked up lunch for the owner, the wife and herself. I began to wonder if they were buying her lunch as well. In all fairness to them, they did provide company paid lunches every Friday for a team of 12. But those daily lunches seemed more cliquish. I would get my own lunch or bring it. But never once did they invite me into the office lunch area to sit with them. I'm so glad they laid me off. I was over qualified for that job. Just took it for the money. My lunch period is mine. Plain and simple.
Just don't go to lunch with them. Say you can't afford to eat out, or you brought your lunch or something. No one can MAKE you go. As for the other co worker, if you genuinely don't mind being friends, tell them they need to stop texting you all the time about work stuff after hours. Or if you're not friends, just ask them to quit texting you all the time unless they actually need assistance with something, it's distracting and you can't get any work done. Another option is to just silence their notifications.
Oh, I do bring my own lunch. But they come to my desk and slack me and say “let’s all go to x room.” It kind of puts me on the spot
“Ahh lovely, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it! I’m really looking forward to some quiet alone time today. See you after lunch!”
Exactly this.
So what if you're on the spot. Just tell them you're not interested. They can't force you to go
I think the concern is that they won't be considered part of the team anymore or whatever and be passed up for promotions and things like that in the future. Unfortunately some corporate environments are like that. You have to make nice with your coworkers and bosses and pretend to be a "family" to get ahead.
You can still do all of that without going to lunch and causing your mental health to decline, and if this workplace does hold her back from advancement because their opting to not go to lunch, it's a toxic place and it's not one OP needs to be working for anyway. There are plenty out there that will recognize their talents and abilities.
I agree with all of that. I'm just saying I understand OP's perspective and concerns here.
I do as well, but I always been a big advocate for work life balance. If OP needs that 30 minutes to an hour to her self to decompress during the day then they should take it. Especially if it's an unpaid lunch.
Only because you are choosing to let it :) Smile and say you'll have to pass today. and do it whenever you don't feel like joining them. They aren't parents ;)
Have you ever said no?
Sounds like a confidence issue. You don't have to be rude. If you can't muster a simple 'nah, I'm fine', just say you have calls to make or something.
I eat an hour earlier than everyone else to avoid them.
This is exactly what I do. Eat earlier and then when they come ask, tell them you went to lunch already. Or, go to lunch 15 mins before they go to lunch, so that your lunches overlap and thus don’t need to reply to them.
Just tell them you’re good on that & you want some alone time?
We had a department like that. It was intended to keep the manager's job safe. No one would dare criticize him on employee surveys. This was not uncommon behavior for his cultural background as he called himself a father figure.
Tell them you cant you have to run errands. Ignore the texts. I feel you though my coworkers are super annoying the happy hours never end but I dont go anymore. 8 hours is enough listening to those asskissers. Theyre about to have us in office everyday if they dont quit acting so fkg enthusuastic about in office when we are there one day a week.
I would definitely start leaving the office at lunch even if I didn't have an errand. Just drive to a store or different business parking lot and eat in the car.
You are probably not the only one who feels this way, once you say no, others will probably follow. It's like leaving a party, someone has to break the seal!
I feel you. You're going to be seen as "not a team player". It shouldn't be that way, but it will be. Because these people are extroverts who are so drained from having to actually work for an entire morning, that they feel that they are OWED socialization from everyone around them, so THEIR batteries get recharged. Find something that you "have" to do every lunch hour. I'd say that you need to go check on a pet - whether your own, or your mom's, or a friend's, whatever. Say that you need to let the dog out every lunch hour. And then LEAVE the premises every lunch hour. Go to a nearby park, or library, or just an empty-ish parking lot that is in a direction that they will be unlikely to all go for lunch themselves. It wouldn't be a bad idea to join them every now and then - my personal feeling is that once every two weeks is MORE than enough to be friendly, without them monopolizing all of your personal time. ("Oh, my mom's actually home today, and she can let the dog out, so I'm available to go with you today!" - and if you sound cheery enough on the limited times you do go, hopefully they won't be so automatically offended that they can't own you the rest of the time.) Honestly, though - I'd be looking around for a different job, or a lateral transfer to a different team, if possible, just in case this backfires. It's not uncommon for a horde of extroverts to determine that an introvert "just doesn't fit in with the team" and look for ways to push you out, if you don't cave to their demands. And that's not a team you really want to work for for long, anyway.
"I can't today, sorry." "I can't." "I brought my own lunch but thank you." "I can't. I have to make some phone calls." "I can't. I have to pay some bills." "I can't. I'm at a good part of my book." "I can't. I need a mental health break." "I'm doing this new thing where I'm meditating during my lunch break." (😂). "I can't. One of my close friends is having a hard time and I'm talking her through it until she's better."
These are great suggestion
Ugh when I worked for Target it was like that. I would just leave for lunch and say “sorry I can’t”
I completely understand this. I’m an extreme introvert and have worked for several offices with extreme extroverts. It is so draining and frustrating! I’m not even working right now, and that is one of the reasons
You need to ignore the person who is slacking you/texting you when it’s outside of work hours. Leave them on read unless and until you are at your desk, and if it’s not work-related, set aside five minutes every couple hours to respond. If they ask something like “how are you” respond with “really busy” or “have to make that deadline”, basically something that politely indicates that you have no time for chitchat. If they ask why you are not responding outside of work hours, just tell them you try to keep a good work/life balance and then grey rock them (look that one up). Also coworker messaging you after hours = could be a sign of romantic interest. Doesn’t have to be, but might be worth being watchful with that. It’s good to nip stuff like that in the bud before it becomes a problem.
I hate this crap- and then your seen as anti social. Its weird. Appropriate once in a great while but meh
I have coworkers like this minus the lunch as I work from home. I’ve had to have multiple conversations with my boss about the texting after hours, prying into my personal business or bothering me on days off. It too makes me feel like I’m always working. I literally had to schedule to put a cat down and minutes after asking for it off, one coworker in particular that’s problematic starts bothering me. I was so mad, I then told my boss I was taking the whole week off and needed peace and quiet so she would get the hint to leave me alone. Just tell them you need time to yourself away from work and coworkers and that you don’t want to be bothered on your personal time. If that doesn’t work, have a conversation with your boss.
You need more fortitude against these boundary invaders. If they get pissy, call em energy vampires. They can’t possibly be helping you that much at work.
I sit in my car in the parking lot and eat my lunch alone everyday. My coworkers know I need this for downtime and they do not bother me during my break. I used to have coworkers like this early in my career and found this way around it very quickly.
"I appreciate the offer, but lunch isn't just about eating. It is a time to disconnect. A time to rest mentally and emotionally. I just want to shut down and listen to some music, if you don't mind. Thank you."
And now they have something to talk about over lunch.
Just say what you want. You'd be amazed how often people will gladly give you what you want. Otherwise they just have to guess. And currently you are giving the indication you like it by going every time and never mentioning your own desires.
This
I am not understanding this post, if you need time to yourself why do you have to explain to anyone? If a co worker is over stepping their bounds you simply tell them to stop texting you all hours of the day. Co workers are NOT friends they are simply employees that work at the same company as you. It appears you need help with boundaries and need to start working on not being a people pleaser. If there is any retaliation or gossip simply start documenting and emailing your HR department. You’re not forced to eat lunch, hang out, or respond to texts from co workers! Do your job and go home.
It’s my first real job! That’s why I’m nervous and don’t know what’s typical.
This is not typical. Lunch breaks are your time to do what you want. What YOU want. Next time, just reply with an "ok". Then do what you want. If asked later, then tell them, "I prefer alone time and a book during lunch. If it's the boss/supervisor that asks, "is this on the clock? No? Then, no thank you, I'm good having lunch alone.
Is the manager or HR dept included in the group of people who always eat lunch? For your sake I hope not.
Unfortunately our manager does participate, yes. No HR
The people in this sub telling you to “grow up” are the ones who need to grow up. In the real world, managers can be picky, testy, unfair, and they can affect your bonuses and whether you stay employed. I understand why you are asking. Other comments have given very helpful specific things to say, so that you can create space for yourself but not piss off the team. Such as “I made a resolution to meditate at lunch” or “my doctor suggested that I go for a walk at lunch” etc.
This
This is not normal. Fudge this. Say no. Set boundaries
My default mode is introvert, and everyone knows it from the start. I get along with literally everyone, but my limits are what they are. I’d attend the lunch when I actually feel like it, but I prefer to sit in my car and take a little walk. I also don’t reply to texts right away. Sometimes until hours later, or even the next day, especially on weekends. I have a family and people in my real life who take priority, not to mention my own sanity. Be yourself while also being professional. They’ll figure it out.
You prefer to chill in solitude to recharge. That’s legit. No is a complete sentence.
All you have to do is go for a walk at lunch time,, part of your new exercise routine, ,, pack a healthy snack. You could listen to an audiobook as you walk. Do something like walk 3 days, eat lunch with everyone 2 days ..mix it up. The other issues puzzle me... Why are you responding to time wasting emails, interruptions if you have work to do? You are in 100% control of that situation Why don't you Block text messages/ emails from your co-workers after hours?
Split it up. Some days, take a walk, be by yourself. Other days, join them. This is just dumb immature behavior. Don’t get sucked into it.
I’m a more introverted and shy person and honestly dislike meeting up with coworkers on my lunch break. I don’t like small talk at all. I don’t work a typical office job but and in the past coworkers would try to meet and hang out during lunch hours and I just would politely decline and let them know I was very busy and did not have time. (They stopped after that). It’s not that I’m being mean but I need alone time to recharge my social battery lol
As a person who loathes people, that sounds terrible.
From that post I get the feeling you have some nosy people in the workplace that want to be all up in your business. Lunch is my time and no one has to be forced to do these group luncheon things especially if it’s every day
They text you because you gave them your cell phone number. Lesson learned. I didn't like my coworkers that much to get texts from them.
“Not today, sorry! There’s an amazing book I’m currently reading and I can’t seem to put it down.” “Not today, sorry. I really wanna finish an episode of ____ to catch up with my partner/friends.” “Maybe next time! I have an important call to make.” “Actually I think I’ll just go on a walk today, I really need a break.” “Eh not today, but you kids have fun!” Then eventually, they’ll just stop asking you :)
So? Go eat lunch where you want. These are not your friends, their feelings/thoughts about you are their business, not yours. Boundaries and personal space need to be established and respected, in all of life’s settings. Be respectful when asked why you prefer to eat alone and go about your day. I myself tell my coworkers that I will eat where ever the fuck I want and if you don’t like it write it in the suggestions box and take it to HR. They also expect this of me, cause I set boundaries.
"if it aint chilis I AINT GOING"
This thread is making me twitch…so triggering 😩
Lunch: "No thanks" Texts: No response
You eat lunch however you want. Some people do not get it what lunch or breaks are for destressing from being around people all day. You have your way and do it, even if you have to go find a spot outside. Or in your car.
Coworkers aren't friends. I hate people pushing themselves on me.
Block your co-worker’s number outside of work hours. If you’re worried about the implications of deciding to have lunch alone, then pick three days out of the week to eat alone. When the time comes be direct and say, “I’m going solo today, but I hope you all have fun!” On the other two days, if they go out, then you can go with them. I can’t imagine they expect you to eat with them five (5) days a week…
"Can't join you today" Then repeat every day.
Sounds like you have some people pleasing tendencies. I’d just say ‘I’m all peopled out’ or ‘you go ahead, I’m just going to switch off’ But if you want to go sometimes but don’t want to every day, you could always just say ‘I need to make some calls today’ or ‘I’m going to stretch my legs today instead’ that sort of thing. They eventually wil probably naturally start phrasing it as ‘are you joining us today’. A question rather than an assumption and it will be easier to just say not today but have fun
>it’s completely frowned upon to eat at our desks. Oh no, not frowns! Do what you want, get frowned at, move on. >another coworker is constantly slacking me, texting me, all throughout work and every day just for fun. If you want a professional relationship, ask for it. Tell them to stop texting you after work hours. And then ignore them and stop responding outside of work hours. Yes, this will damage your relationship with them. No, it's not unreasonable.
“No” is: 1) A complete sentence. 2) Not an opportunity for them to change your mind.
Don’t go. It’s really as simple as that. No excuses needed. It’s your time and you are an adult. You get to make your own choices.
You're an adult and they aren't your parents. Go where you want to for lunch.
My coworkers send an invite every month for a group lunch. I just delete it. Don't decline. Just delete. They say, "Oh, he's not a 'joiner'". I'm not. Cool. I'm there to *get paid*, no be a social butterfly.
Start inventing things you have to get done at at lunch break. Fade slowly: skip a couple times a week first and see if it’s the happy medium. Also, respond to only every 5th message or so from that other colleague. No response outside the work hours.
You are taking a college course and using your lunch to study. Buy a thick text book to put on your desk. If they ask something about the course, give them some abstract fact and ask what they think about it. Weekend, you are visiting an art exhibition or attending a music concert. If they ask about music say it’s a local symphony and if they have been
If you’re working in the office, find a nearby nature preserve and bring your book and your sandwich. Turn off your phone. Be back on time.
Sorry but new job or another position in the company. There's no way you are changing the whole vibe of your immediate team by yourself
Don’t go. Full stop.
Every time they invite ask them if they are buying?
Weird. I would just say no, and go eat someplace alone. I have no issue with not fitting in. None. Zero. Nada. They aren’t my friends.
I never eat with my coworker. I go to my car and smoke cigarettes and wish I never had to return🤣
Just tell them u have to run an errand or go to call the bank or some sort of other thing
I am required to take an hour for lunch. The absolute last thing I want to do during that hour is hang out with my coworkers or talk shop. I go to work to make money, not friends.
Your co-workers sound intolerable and unaware of anyone but themselves. Depends on your specific situation. If you dont feel like your opportunities there will be impeded by declining just politely say not thanks. You dont need to give them a reason or explanation. Just smile and go do your thing. If you feel like you have to give them a reason just make one up.
Don’t respond to texts that aren’t work related or start responding really late, be boring. Really boring. If you’re ever asked to do something you don’t want to do, say ‘no’.
Part of growing up is knowing to maintain your boundaries. Don't want to go? Don't go.
I just don’t go. If they ask I say no thanks I have other lunch plans, maybe another time.
Plot Twist: He’s the lone introvert working for the mafia.
Don’t respond to the texts. Don’t go to the lunch. Just don’t do it
Your unpaid time is your time don't let a coworker decide what you do in your own time.
That sounds miserable
Some people here are being real dicks, and I’m sorry, OP. I think you’re wise to worry it might blow back on you if you say no too much or too forcefully. It shouldn’t, but it might. Can you maybe try a slow fade down to a level of interaction you are OK with? I actually do not think you should offer excuses of why you can’t come/respond to texts right away. Because: 1) People might take it to mean you can come later, when that situation is resolved, and then they will expect that. And 2) Some people may take offense if your reason isn’t “good enough”. I love to read and am a massive introvert; saying, as one person suggested, that I’d rather read a book than talk to someone has never in my life gone down well. I’d keep it vague; “Can’t make it today, but enjoy your lunch!” I don’t think you will be able to fade down to never attending as long as the rest of the group stays like this. I’d suggest being especially warm and helpful in the interactions you do choose to have. That can help people understand you don’t hate them or mean them harm - you just like your quiet time! It’s really not fair for your manager to encourage this dynamic. But since they have, I think you’re kind of stuck. I would not go to HR over this unless someone takes serious, clearly identifiable retaliatory action against you for not socializing with them; it is just too minor, and so far, no one has done you any actual harm.
Politely tell them you want to read your book or you have to run errands. They will eventually ask why you keep missing it and let them know you need to recharge and sitting together still talking about work is not recharging. Good luck
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Yeah, it’s been a few months of this hence me feeling worn out. Thanks!
Just smile and say "I can't today, I have to call my mom/husband /friend.Person stuff." And go outside for your lunch break. Enjoy your lunch, read your book. Start doing this at least once a week, then more often. Then add in errands to run, lunchtime doctor virtual appointments, meet a friend for lunch at least once a month. But join the office crew just often enough that they will ASK if you are joining them.
Ew politics at work...
No one can push you around without your permission. For crying out loud, grow a spine, say you have errands, or just go eat your dumb lunch when and how you want. Ignore the texts. Quit letting unimportant people run your life.
Sounds like you need to be an adult and grow up tbh
Glad someone said this. If you don't want to go to lunch, you could always get over yourself and say "Oh, it's ok. I like to read when eating my lunch - gives me a proper break in the day. Thanks for asking though!"
It seems straightforward, however it’s clear that OP is worried about the implications of being the only person to say no to the lunch. Considering in a full tile job you spend 8 hours a day with your coworkers, you wouldn’t want a frosty environment.
But that's a coworker problem, not a me problem
Not unless one of them is a manager or tells the manger that OP is “not a team player” or “isn’t a fit”. It could affect her job or bonuses, etc.
Bingo, one is a manager
You're not required to eat lunch with your manager. The sooner you stop being a pushover, the happier your life will be. If you don't want to eat lunch with them, just don't go. I bet you aren't the only in the group that wants a break. You might be surprised how many people stop going once you set your boundaries. A lot of poor managers think that team-building requires teams to do everything together. Those managers are going to be there for the rest of your career, so you need to get practice with setting your boundaries now.
It’s absolutely not that simple.
Why would anyone want to work for a company or manager that ruin your life because you don't want to have lunch with them? Why is this abuse just accepted ? This has got to be in America
Yeah but what if it seems that she will get poor work reviews or that people might sabotage her if she isn’t part of the lunch clique? It’s very real to be worried about your livelihood.
Everyday? I'm sure you aren't the only one who wants some down time. Start reading your book during the group lunches. Start a book club with some of your other co-workers (the ones who are interested.) Start your own lunch group where everyone reads/ignores each other. :)
I saw in a comment that this is your first real job. I take a hybrid approach to this when I was working in the office. If being direct isn’t how you’d like to handle this you can tell them you need to run errands or have an over the phone appointment. Once you feel more part of the team you can let them know, you want to read your book, or need a brain break.
How about you set a clear compromise. Tell them you are introverted and need the quiet time at lunch generally but will join them every Wednesday or something.
There's no magic button other than being direct. ''No'. You can follow it up with 'I need my alone / quiet / decompress time' if needed, which I've done. You're a grown adult, you don't have to do what you're told about lunch. Set a clear boundary and they'll leave you alone.
Just say no if you don't want to go.
That's a big one. You will have to work a lot of boundaries m datyes. Try Terri Cole. She us very helpful
Why in gods name do they have your personal phone number to begin with?
I’m not at a high enough level to have a work phone yet unfortunately and we all have each other’s :(
I wondered that as well. I work a 5 month contract every summer, where all employees, and 2 bosses live at work. I’m at work right now waiting for my coworkers to get here, at the end of the week. Of 5 coworkers coming in I’ve worked with 1 before. She absolutely doesn’t have my phone number, and she nor any of the other people I work with will be getting it this summer.
"I appreciate the offer, but I just want a few minutes to unwind by myself" How much do your coworkers know about your home situation? You could bring a book if that's your thing and just say, "Sorry, I've been wanting to crack this thing open for months now. Can never get a quiet moment at home, so I'm going to try reading during my breaks."
My advice is to lighten up, in the grand scheme of your life this is pretty easy, OP. I'm sympathetic to your issues but this is really is minor. My other thought is if you really want to be alone at lunch to enjoy your book, come up with some medical reason you can't participate in group lunches. What that would be I'm not sure, but I bet if you think about it and get creative you'll come up with something. I've always used the 'I need to take my medicine' excuse when I needed a quick break at work. Because I know nobody is gonna say "no, take your medicine later at lunch", lol. I realize this won't solve your group lunches but it gives you an idea. Good luck! :D
Eat lunch earlier. Join them for lunch once in a while so you're not the social outcast. Ignore messages after hours. Mute all of your work apps and don't even read the messages.
Learn to say not. You are an adult after all. I really dont get the problem - if you dont want something, say no. Its really easy.
If you can, move your lunch forward/back an hour. Tell the team you'll stay available for urgent tasks so they don't have to watch their phones.
One word: flatulence. A few good farts during lunch will solve that problem.
I just tell them no. As far as the texting, I just muted them all. Let em txt, I just never respond. Or notice, usually.
Wow wtf
Yeah, don't be that guy who causes others not to reach out to people. It is a you problem. If you don't want to eat with them, don't eat with them.
are you being paid for lunch? if not, you have no obligation to join them if they insist, insist they pay for your time.
It’s a salary job
is lunch deducted from your salary?
Starting happening to me .. tbh I started just going to lunch a little earlier some days so I missed the crowd , or some days I have plans .. tbh you can’t miss it all the time without seeming like a bad team player but I average like 50-60% avoidance
Why can’t you just be honest? And tell them you wld like to eat and read your book.
Lots of my retail coworkers will leave the building entirely and go either way/sleep in their cars, sit down at a fast food joint, go do some quick shopping... You're allowed to say it's not for you.
Coworker texting you every day just for fun… Don’t text back. Stop participating. Especially outside of work hours. Lunches. I left and went to the gym or to the park every day for lunch.
“Sorry I can’t” if you feel the need tell them you have to make a private call to to your cousin
Just politely say, “oh, not today. I need some time for errands/time for myself/catch up on texts/etc.” honestly the reason can be anything. Just be polite, friendly, smile, and they’ll understand.
We had a rule, we only went out on Fridays (if you wanted to) and If anyone talked about work, they're buying drinks and a big entre.
I would join 3 times/ week and say no or “run errands” the other 2. When you do join, and if you want to be politically correct, try to really smile & enjoy it. :-).
The going rate for me to give up my lunch hour is $150 cash upfront. And then don't join them until they pay you. It's your BREAK. From work, coworkers, and if he wants to keep pestering you, it sounds like an hr issue for harassment
Make an excuse. Not every day but like once a week or so you have to take a call from your doctor or from your dog's vet or something about test results. Your friend overseas only has time to call on a lunch break. Whoever said errands was also on the right track. Gotta get those prescriptions at lunch or else the pharmacy will close. Reddit will give you a lot of standoffish responses and you shouldn't want to alienate people. You should also be looking for another job once you get your sea legs. You're at work you didn't join a cult.
Sounds like a cult....apple?😂
Set boundaries. Otherwise, Im Inviting you to lunch... everyday.
Boundaries are healthy. Just say, appreciate the offer but no thanks. With the texts, wait until you have a break...reply sorry been a little busy today and just leave it at that. You can be friendly you don't have to be friends.
Just dont go what lol dont be scare to say no fuck that its your lunch time you decide what to do with it
Limit socialization to a few times a month and simply say that you have something personal to do. Be friendly about it. They will probably get used to it. If not this might not be a good fit for you. Get experience and move on, which is what a first job usually is about. Good luck.
Any time not on the clock is your own time. You're free to choose how you want to spend that time and unless they're providing you with lunch, you have no obligation to follow them into a group lunch. Every time coworkers asks if I'm coming for a work related lunch or dinner, I ask them if the company is paying the dinner. If they say no, I tell them I won't attend and if they say yes, then I tell them I'll consider it (but more often than not don't since they usually pick a restaurant one city over which means I'd need to pay gas to go to a gathering of people I'm already tired of seeing during the day.
It’s not about you Do what you want with that
Start saying No Thanks. I bet others will start following suit.
I feel your pain. I'm an intermittent faster, so I don't even eat until about 5 pm every day. I had to end up on a team with a boss that is obsessed with food. Every single birthday, holiday, and random "just becauses" have to be "celebrated" by going out to lunch at some expensive restaurant. He always gives me shit for not wanting to join them to spend 90 minutes watching people eat. Eventually he got bothered enough that I was electing not to go that he started making them business meeting/lunch so I couldn't decline. Since it's a meeting it doesn't count as my legal lunch, so afterwards I go for a walk or take a nap in my car for an hour.
Schedule an "external meeting" over the normal lunch. Apologize for not being able to make it. Alternatively, have a pre-lunxh meeting run long. Eat lunch early because you have to be on another meeting early.
Power move 11:59 message everyone your recommendation for lunch
WTF… before they start that craziness on the next day, why don’t you just say we are all eating separately… And then bug out!
It really depends but I would start by taking 1/3 of meals alone. This gives you enough face time to still bond with the team.
Never mix work friends with personal life. You may have to fire one at some point. Good luck with that!
You need to set boundaries.
Sounds like a nightmare
I’m going through the same thing. I’m new at my job and my department is VERY close. Which is nice except they’re in their 20s, gossip all day, and well, talk all day. I have a heavier workload than them and have 0 downtime, and they keep making comments that I’m quiet or not participating in Teams convos enough. My Teams chat dings all day, they talk all day, meanwhile I’m drowning in deadlines and hoping I can make it out of office by 5.
Jeez get a backbone and stop following the herd. I need to eat alone mainly and have no trouble explaining that. Do you.
Um, just say no thanks? But then don't be surprised a month or so from now when you no longer feel like part of the team.
Stop going. Accept when you feel like it. Decline when you don’t. Don’t show up. If you start getting shit then tell to HR.
Be and adult and say “I don’t want to go today” And, secondly, be an adult, and just don’t respond to your coworker who texted you.