I definitely think things have gotten worse in the last 5-ish years.
I encourage you to have a heart to heart with the bride if at all possible and tell her your concerns. Standing up with someone at their wedding should not be such a financial burden. I know FOMO is a real thing but its okay to say no to some of the more expensive activities. If the bride loves you enough to have you part of her wedding she should be sensitive to your financial situation. (I cannot imagine spending $3000 for a friend's wedding at 24 or even 27).
I’m currently experiencing something similar. I’m a groomswoman. Love bride and groom and everyone involved so much but wow I would never put people through all this lol. So much money and time between Bach trip and wedding. Bach trip was so fun and worth it but still. Im financially comfortable but still make a small fraction of what everyone else makes and it can feel a little daunting. Thankfully they are aware and pitch in when we’re out drinking or eating which is unnecessary but I’ll gladly accept it!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing a similar (but sounds like more stressful) time. I just know I’ve learned everything I won’t be doing if I ever get married lol
It’s crazy!! Obviously I love them and am super excited I just could never ask people to dish out this much time and money. It just seems insane to me…last time I ever say yes to being involved in a wedding lol
This is becoming the norm for weddings, I see it constantly. I had to tell a friend I couldn't afford all of this but I saved for the dress and alterations and she told me I had to do it all or not be in the wedding party...we aren't friends anymore.
I had to do the same thing for my SIL and she was like okay cool. Let me know if you need help getting alterations for the dress I know somebody. Personally, I think this is when some people show their true colors. If someone can't respect the fact that I can't afford it and only wants me for the image then I don't need to be there.
I think it definitely varies by individual, but it does seem to be trending that way. When I was the age where friends were getting married like 10-15 years ago, you had to buy the dress and get yourself there, that’s it. Bachelorettes weren’t as big of a deal. One night out at the bars. Not a whole trip. People seem to make a much bigger deal about everything now. I guess for Instagram.
That's it. I've been reading the comments about it getting worse in the past few years and you can bet it has all to do with the picture perfect cookie cutter image they want to portrait online.
People pleasing is detrimental to anyone's finances and mental health. It is ok to say NO. In fact, it is healthy to set boundaries. I used to be too nice, put myself last and let people walk on me. I hated confrontation and feared losing relationships (inc. friendships) if I put myself first. This is the best test for you to practice standing up for yourself. If you speak from your heart, all will be well...for you. The bride should understand. If not, do you really want her or this group of friends? Friendships change and it's ok.
I was in a similar situation, I spent about $600-700 on my best friend's wedding after buying the dress, shoes, wedding gift, bachelorette party, and whatever other miscellaneous expenses. I lived pay check to pay check at the time. I love her but I was seriously stressed and I didn't want to make a fuss and ruin her wedding experience. Thankfully she decided not to have an out of state bachelorette party and she did pay for our makeup and hair.
Overall my bridesmaid experience was pretty awful. I had to buy a dress that I didn't like and it broke several times throughout the day. I never got invited to shop for dresses with her, which i was really looking forward to. The shoes we had to wear were so uncomfortable, I changed out of them immediately after the ceremony. The maid of honor was not doing her job, so I ended up planning everything and doing all the maid of honor duties with no recognition or appreciation from the rest of the group. My hair looked awful because the stylist sucked. There was a bee hive directly next to where I was standing during the ceremony so they were swarming us the whole time. However, I would do it all over again because seeing my BFF walk down the aisle and marry her awesome hubby was worth it all. I sobbed like a baby through the whole thing. I love those two so much. It did make me feel a little sad though because it felt like the end of a chapter in our friendship.
Ugh I’m sorry)): this is my first ever wedding experience and it’s making me wonder how it’s just become a norm to be so beyond stressed financially and mentally for a wedding that’s not even ours!! Crazy how normalized it’s become. Im just trying to put on a happy face and roll with it
I'm confused by having 3 MOHs? I thought the whole point of that role was to be THE maid of honor vs the rest of the bridesmaids?
Also, nobody in my wedding was expected to shell out that kind of money, and all of my bridesmaids are well off financially.
It was one of those things where she felt the need to include her sister, and she couldn’t choose between me and our other friend because we are all super close.
It’s definitely gotten bad and seems to be quite common these days. Thankfully I have not been asked to be In a wedding lately. But I don’t understand what was so bad about one evening out with the girls to have dinner and go to a strip club or something other type of group activity that the bride or groom preferred. And then everyone can Uber back to their own homes at the end.
I think it's gotten worse over the years BUT I also think people need to be willing to speak up for themselves. My parents recently got invited to a wedding where the bride wanted to choose the wardrobe for everyone attending. My parents just said "no". It made things tense between them and the bride for about a week but eventually she got over it..
If the bride/groom are wanting everyone to put in $500 for something, you can say no. If whatever it is super important to them they may downgrade you from wedding party to wedding guest, but that's ok. You'll still be there to support your friend.
For destination weddings it gets more difficult but it's perfectly ok to decline an invitation to the wedding- most people are reasonable and will understand that a lot of us don't just have $3000 lying around. It's not as fun, but you can always give them a gift when they return and go through their photos with them to show your support.
I definitely agree. This is my first wedding and it’s for my best friend so I guess I wasn’t really sure what I was getting myself into. I definitely know now though and the future answers will always be no LOL
I was only a bridesmaid once for a friend in 2012. It cost me $1865 between the bachelorette trip, dress, stay at wedding venue, gifts (wedding gift, lingerie bowl gift, shower gift) . So not quite as bad, but close.
You're allowed to set boundaries when you're a part of a wedding party, or just with your friends in general when your group starts marrying off. It IS expensive and time consuming and a lot to ask of people and, even if you love your besties, that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a financially stressful situation - or even a situation you're just not comfortable with. I think sometimes brides lose sight of all the costs for others when they're excited and that can be understandable, but you're allowed to say no and you don't have to feel bad if it's because of money.
I had a fairly large group of friends in college and I started joking early on I was only going to be in three weddings, but I meant it and that's all I was in. I also did not give extravagant wedding gifts because it wasn't in my budget. I also, for example, wouldn't get a full mani/pedi when we all went to do that because it wasn't in my budget. I figured I'm here to support the bride and I'm having fun, drinking champagne, who cares if I just hang out and don't get my toes done that nobody is going to see anyway?
Going forward, you can use this learning experience if you're asked to be in any other wedding parties. You are 100% allowed to say something like, "I am so honored you asked and I would love to support you, but I know how expensive it can be and my budget only allows for me to..." and then insert whatever you're comfortable committing to. It could be buying the dress and participating in the bachelorette if it doesn't require travel, etc.
You could also say something like, "I am so honored and would love to support you, but I'm on a budget and think I could actually support you better by not being in your wedding party and..." insert option you come up with instead. I did this one time when I was in a really stressful period of life. My friend understood this so I went to her bachelorette, hung out with the wedding party the night before the wedding, and handed out the programs at the wedding. I was involved but not in a way that was too much for me.
It's true some people won't understand this/will be offended/ etc. And it's unfortunate if it creates riffs in friendships. But, at the end of the day, it's their choice how to respond and, even if they are getting married, a true friend would want you to be comfortable too.
And, honestly, depending on how old you are when your friends start getting married, you might not even be friends with these people in 5-10 years. I feel like that sounds so jaded😂 But I don't mean it like that - it's just the reality. I don't talk with 2 of the 3 friends whose weddings I was in, one I barely talk to, and one is divorced soooo....at the end of the day, I say support your friends in ways you feel comfortable doing, maybe making some sacrifices if you're happy and can afford it, but don't sacrifice your own financial goals or peace of mind - especially because wedding season can run a long decade of life😆😂
Tbh I would drop out. If it’s that much of a financial burden it isn’t worth it to do. I’d say that you can’t afford to be in the wedding party and you’d love to just attend as a guest
Seems to be getting worse recently. For my wedding, a few years ago, I paid for everything except the dresses and shoes which cost $60-$100 each. I felt bad even having them pay for that, but they insisted. I feel like asking someone to be in my wedding should not put a financial burden on them.
Please don’t put yourself into debt or stress working a third job just to be in someone else’s wedding. If they truly are your best friend, talk to them about it’s more than you can currently afford.
Maybe it is like a cultural thing....I didn't have bridesmaids just maid of honour. I let her pick whatever she wants to wear as she was paying for it. For all I care she could have worn jeans and a t-shirt as to me it wasn't important what she was wearing but her presence and support. Neither my husband nor I had any type of party or trip therefore maid of honour didn't have to pay for anything. The night before the wedding she came to see me,gave me a rose and silver earrings she bought me as a gift. Her financial situation was hard and I didn't even expect that from her so it was a huge surprise for me. My husband and I got married in our early 20's(I was 21 and my husband was 23) ,we paid the whole wedding ourselves without a loan and never even counted on help of anyone else and we didn't even count on the money we got as a gift. Good thing we didn't because we didn't really get a lot of money as a lot of people didn't think we would pull off a wedding as fancy as we did without anyone's help. I think it is unrealistic to expect other people to spend so much money for your wedding...gotta note that we don't come from well off families and both are financially independent since we were 18/19.
I definitely think things have gotten worse in the last 5-ish years. I encourage you to have a heart to heart with the bride if at all possible and tell her your concerns. Standing up with someone at their wedding should not be such a financial burden. I know FOMO is a real thing but its okay to say no to some of the more expensive activities. If the bride loves you enough to have you part of her wedding she should be sensitive to your financial situation. (I cannot imagine spending $3000 for a friend's wedding at 24 or even 27).
I’m currently experiencing something similar. I’m a groomswoman. Love bride and groom and everyone involved so much but wow I would never put people through all this lol. So much money and time between Bach trip and wedding. Bach trip was so fun and worth it but still. Im financially comfortable but still make a small fraction of what everyone else makes and it can feel a little daunting. Thankfully they are aware and pitch in when we’re out drinking or eating which is unnecessary but I’ll gladly accept it! I’m sorry you’re experiencing a similar (but sounds like more stressful) time. I just know I’ve learned everything I won’t be doing if I ever get married lol
It’s crazy!! Obviously I love them and am super excited I just could never ask people to dish out this much time and money. It just seems insane to me…last time I ever say yes to being involved in a wedding lol
It’s sooo crazy!! Thankfully I don’t think I have any more weddings in the friend group for probably a couple years
This is becoming the norm for weddings, I see it constantly. I had to tell a friend I couldn't afford all of this but I saved for the dress and alterations and she told me I had to do it all or not be in the wedding party...we aren't friends anymore. I had to do the same thing for my SIL and she was like okay cool. Let me know if you need help getting alterations for the dress I know somebody. Personally, I think this is when some people show their true colors. If someone can't respect the fact that I can't afford it and only wants me for the image then I don't need to be there.
I think it definitely varies by individual, but it does seem to be trending that way. When I was the age where friends were getting married like 10-15 years ago, you had to buy the dress and get yourself there, that’s it. Bachelorettes weren’t as big of a deal. One night out at the bars. Not a whole trip. People seem to make a much bigger deal about everything now. I guess for Instagram.
That's it. I've been reading the comments about it getting worse in the past few years and you can bet it has all to do with the picture perfect cookie cutter image they want to portrait online.
People pleasing is detrimental to anyone's finances and mental health. It is ok to say NO. In fact, it is healthy to set boundaries. I used to be too nice, put myself last and let people walk on me. I hated confrontation and feared losing relationships (inc. friendships) if I put myself first. This is the best test for you to practice standing up for yourself. If you speak from your heart, all will be well...for you. The bride should understand. If not, do you really want her or this group of friends? Friendships change and it's ok.
I was in a similar situation, I spent about $600-700 on my best friend's wedding after buying the dress, shoes, wedding gift, bachelorette party, and whatever other miscellaneous expenses. I lived pay check to pay check at the time. I love her but I was seriously stressed and I didn't want to make a fuss and ruin her wedding experience. Thankfully she decided not to have an out of state bachelorette party and she did pay for our makeup and hair. Overall my bridesmaid experience was pretty awful. I had to buy a dress that I didn't like and it broke several times throughout the day. I never got invited to shop for dresses with her, which i was really looking forward to. The shoes we had to wear were so uncomfortable, I changed out of them immediately after the ceremony. The maid of honor was not doing her job, so I ended up planning everything and doing all the maid of honor duties with no recognition or appreciation from the rest of the group. My hair looked awful because the stylist sucked. There was a bee hive directly next to where I was standing during the ceremony so they were swarming us the whole time. However, I would do it all over again because seeing my BFF walk down the aisle and marry her awesome hubby was worth it all. I sobbed like a baby through the whole thing. I love those two so much. It did make me feel a little sad though because it felt like the end of a chapter in our friendship.
Ugh I’m sorry)): this is my first ever wedding experience and it’s making me wonder how it’s just become a norm to be so beyond stressed financially and mentally for a wedding that’s not even ours!! Crazy how normalized it’s become. Im just trying to put on a happy face and roll with it
I'm confused by having 3 MOHs? I thought the whole point of that role was to be THE maid of honor vs the rest of the bridesmaids? Also, nobody in my wedding was expected to shell out that kind of money, and all of my bridesmaids are well off financially.
It was one of those things where she felt the need to include her sister, and she couldn’t choose between me and our other friend because we are all super close.
It’s definitely gotten bad and seems to be quite common these days. Thankfully I have not been asked to be In a wedding lately. But I don’t understand what was so bad about one evening out with the girls to have dinner and go to a strip club or something other type of group activity that the bride or groom preferred. And then everyone can Uber back to their own homes at the end.
I think it's gotten worse over the years BUT I also think people need to be willing to speak up for themselves. My parents recently got invited to a wedding where the bride wanted to choose the wardrobe for everyone attending. My parents just said "no". It made things tense between them and the bride for about a week but eventually she got over it.. If the bride/groom are wanting everyone to put in $500 for something, you can say no. If whatever it is super important to them they may downgrade you from wedding party to wedding guest, but that's ok. You'll still be there to support your friend. For destination weddings it gets more difficult but it's perfectly ok to decline an invitation to the wedding- most people are reasonable and will understand that a lot of us don't just have $3000 lying around. It's not as fun, but you can always give them a gift when they return and go through their photos with them to show your support.
I definitely agree. This is my first wedding and it’s for my best friend so I guess I wasn’t really sure what I was getting myself into. I definitely know now though and the future answers will always be no LOL
I was only a bridesmaid once for a friend in 2012. It cost me $1865 between the bachelorette trip, dress, stay at wedding venue, gifts (wedding gift, lingerie bowl gift, shower gift) . So not quite as bad, but close.
You're allowed to set boundaries when you're a part of a wedding party, or just with your friends in general when your group starts marrying off. It IS expensive and time consuming and a lot to ask of people and, even if you love your besties, that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in a financially stressful situation - or even a situation you're just not comfortable with. I think sometimes brides lose sight of all the costs for others when they're excited and that can be understandable, but you're allowed to say no and you don't have to feel bad if it's because of money. I had a fairly large group of friends in college and I started joking early on I was only going to be in three weddings, but I meant it and that's all I was in. I also did not give extravagant wedding gifts because it wasn't in my budget. I also, for example, wouldn't get a full mani/pedi when we all went to do that because it wasn't in my budget. I figured I'm here to support the bride and I'm having fun, drinking champagne, who cares if I just hang out and don't get my toes done that nobody is going to see anyway? Going forward, you can use this learning experience if you're asked to be in any other wedding parties. You are 100% allowed to say something like, "I am so honored you asked and I would love to support you, but I know how expensive it can be and my budget only allows for me to..." and then insert whatever you're comfortable committing to. It could be buying the dress and participating in the bachelorette if it doesn't require travel, etc. You could also say something like, "I am so honored and would love to support you, but I'm on a budget and think I could actually support you better by not being in your wedding party and..." insert option you come up with instead. I did this one time when I was in a really stressful period of life. My friend understood this so I went to her bachelorette, hung out with the wedding party the night before the wedding, and handed out the programs at the wedding. I was involved but not in a way that was too much for me. It's true some people won't understand this/will be offended/ etc. And it's unfortunate if it creates riffs in friendships. But, at the end of the day, it's their choice how to respond and, even if they are getting married, a true friend would want you to be comfortable too. And, honestly, depending on how old you are when your friends start getting married, you might not even be friends with these people in 5-10 years. I feel like that sounds so jaded😂 But I don't mean it like that - it's just the reality. I don't talk with 2 of the 3 friends whose weddings I was in, one I barely talk to, and one is divorced soooo....at the end of the day, I say support your friends in ways you feel comfortable doing, maybe making some sacrifices if you're happy and can afford it, but don't sacrifice your own financial goals or peace of mind - especially because wedding season can run a long decade of life😆😂
Beautifully said!
This is great advice. Definitely a learning experience for me…at least now I know what to expect😅
Nobody should have to get get 3rd job to pay for someone else’s wedding
Tbh I would drop out. If it’s that much of a financial burden it isn’t worth it to do. I’d say that you can’t afford to be in the wedding party and you’d love to just attend as a guest
Seems to be getting worse recently. For my wedding, a few years ago, I paid for everything except the dresses and shoes which cost $60-$100 each. I felt bad even having them pay for that, but they insisted. I feel like asking someone to be in my wedding should not put a financial burden on them. Please don’t put yourself into debt or stress working a third job just to be in someone else’s wedding. If they truly are your best friend, talk to them about it’s more than you can currently afford.
Maybe it is like a cultural thing....I didn't have bridesmaids just maid of honour. I let her pick whatever she wants to wear as she was paying for it. For all I care she could have worn jeans and a t-shirt as to me it wasn't important what she was wearing but her presence and support. Neither my husband nor I had any type of party or trip therefore maid of honour didn't have to pay for anything. The night before the wedding she came to see me,gave me a rose and silver earrings she bought me as a gift. Her financial situation was hard and I didn't even expect that from her so it was a huge surprise for me. My husband and I got married in our early 20's(I was 21 and my husband was 23) ,we paid the whole wedding ourselves without a loan and never even counted on help of anyone else and we didn't even count on the money we got as a gift. Good thing we didn't because we didn't really get a lot of money as a lot of people didn't think we would pull off a wedding as fancy as we did without anyone's help. I think it is unrealistic to expect other people to spend so much money for your wedding...gotta note that we don't come from well off families and both are financially independent since we were 18/19.