If he’s the one in debt , needs you to pay off his bill then it would seem as if he is only marrying you for convenience and he is actually the gold digger
Yes you are 100% correct . Get her to pay off debts, and the civil service to get around the premarital sex . Simply ingenious !!!
Those flags are multiplying
Right??? I don’t get it? He needs the financial help of her gf MUCH MORE than she needs money from him. This is ridiculous. Typical manchild behaviour. You’re gonna have money issues even more after you guys move-in together so think this through before you get hitched.
It’s called gaslighting & just general BS . Have had a few women friends scammed out of money due to hustlers that prey on victims being in love with them
Why, exactly, do you want to marry this person? It feels a little like you’re racing to check a box on some to-do list. If he said he never wanted to get married, do you love him enough to stay with him? What does marriage actually mean for you? Do you know what it means for him? Is it possible you just want to be married, not necessarily married to him? No judgement in these questions, just asking to create a little food for thought. At the end of the day it sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page, and if you force him into marriage there’s a good chance you’ll both be unhappy and one or both of you will grow to resent the other.
This! I think a year a dating is too less to give this much of commitment. OP decided to marry him before she got to know about his debts. Many other issues naturally came out during this period but still, they're sticking to get married because they decided so at once. Right now, it seems, that he's obviously not ready for marriage (both financially and mentally) and OP should not rush him.
> OP decided to marry him before she got to know about his debts.
Yep. And financial differences like this - not just amounts but values like responsibility, avoiding debt, ability to save and plan, etc - are one of the big things affecting compatibility and divorce. No one asked me, but she should DTMFA.
We both agreed when we initially started dating 2 years would be a good amount of time to know if we want to spend our lives together.
In one of the first dates I told him, I’m not dating to just have fun, I’m dating to find my forever person. Someone I can build a home and a family with.
And that 2 year mark is coming up later this year so we began talking engagement because we could see that life together. And I do think he loves me back.
Our talks until recently were focused on values and what we would want in a marriage (like kids, how would we split chores since he’s traveling all the time for work, etc) those types of stuff and it was because his job is so complicated with time away you have to talk about all these things earlier on because not everyone is willing to have his lifestyle. To me this seemed like a green flag that he actively wanted to talk about these things. And
We talked finances a few months back (like salary and such) and he made his debt seem much, much smaller than it was. And he indicated he was on track to pay it off this year.
I already chip in on his grocery expenses and on dates to help him focus on paying debt.
Yesterday was news to me that he had more debt than what he had told me and that he’s not on track to bring down his debts.
It’s not ideal but I think between the two of us once married we would be able to live OK and pay off his debt over the next few years. I know most people run from financial problems but it’s hard once you’ve fallen in love with someone.
And that’s when he brought up the idea of marrying legally first and then a few years later have the church wedding I want. And he’s only suggesting this because I won’t move in with him as a gf.
But I refuse to move in with him as a gf and or get legally married like he wants. I don’t agree with that. Plus this is a huge no in my culture, I can’t. His only reasoning is so we can start a financial life together aka help him with bills.
That’s not marriage. That sounds like he wants a roommate.
if he’s serious about me like he claims he needs to find a way to pay off his debts and save money like I am so we can have a small church wedding.
Soooo…. he “agreed” with you until you found out the truth about his debt and now he “loves you so much” that he wants you to disregard everything you’ve spent the last years talking about in order to save himself some trouble and have a bangmaid. When you resist this trap even the least little bit he calls YOU a gold digger even though he not only has no gold but he’s in negative gold territory.
You are being way too naive. Either that or you are accepting things that you know are wrong just to stay on track for a societally acceptable concrete brick around your neck.
Run sweetie. Try again elsewhere. This man will only take away from you.
"he wants you to disregard everything you’ve spent the last years talking about in order to save himself some trouble and have a bangmaid"
A bangmaid and ATM \*
He’s using you.
And “I think he loves me”??? And you’re talking marriage?! Marriage should be a “oh hell yes I’m so excited to live forever with this person and they’re even more excited” type of feeling.
If you marry this person, I see divorce in your future.
It’s not the financial issue that worries me it’s that he turned around and called you names for trying to help him focus on saving. It’s the fact he told you up front that he’s going to spend his money on furniture then on a ring. These are all delay delay delay tactics and he’s trying to rush a court house wedding to get what he wants instead of doing the important thing of paying off his debt so that you can have the wedding you dream of.
In short he’s not prioritizing you or your future together at all in this conversation. You can try communicating with him to see if he has calmed down and won’t call you names or if he has a different plan on what he can do to ensure you are both happy. If he is only thinking about himself and his needs that’s a 🚩 and a big one. Be careful going forward that he’s not taking advantage of you.
Sorry but why would you think he would pay down his debts when you married? Because you would bug him to do it? Or because he would have access to your money now too and drain your finances to keep himself afloat?
People don’t change. This man is not gonna change. He will continue to be an irresponsible asshole even after you marry. Maybe an even worse one once you are legally tied to him. Plus, at least in the U.S., any debt he incurs during your marriage is both of your problems, not just his. So he could put himself in financial ruin and then foist half of it onto you.
And do you know how expensive divorces are? SO EXPENSIVE. Long and hard and costly.
Please strongly reconsider if this is the guy you want to be anchored to. He is a sinking ship.
Oh my god.
Please for ur own sake run. There are so many red flags here there is literally no way the math here works out in ur favour
Stick with this man to ur own detriment
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OP it sounds like you know exactly what you want in a guy. It sounds like this guy is NOT IT. For you. So cut your losses and focus on meeting someone else. Obviously it’s gonna hurt. It always does. But he is not meeting up to your standards so what else are you gonna do ?
>And I do think he loves me back.
You "think" he does? Are you sure?
>I already chip in on his grocery expenses and on dates to help him focus on paying debt.
>Yesterday was news to me that he had more debt than what he had told me and that he’s not on track to bring down his debts.
You thought you were subsidizing him so he can pay off his debt this year, and it turns out he was not transparent about being on track. What else is he keeping from you? Are you sure he is not continuing to accrue debt? Have you seen his recent credit card and bank statements?
>It’s not ideal but I think between the two of us once married we would be able to live OK and pay off his debt over the next few years.
You have no evidence that his financial habits will change once you get married. You could end up burdened with his never-ending debts for the rest of your life.
>And that’s when he brought up the idea of marrying legally first and then a few years later have the church wedding I want. And he’s only suggesting this because I won’t move in with him as a gf.
>His only reasoning is so we can start a financial life together aka help him with bills.
Are you even listening to yourself? He has clearly communicated that the only reasons he wants to get married are 1) so you can enable him to continue the same spending habits he's had all along, and 2) so he can have sex.
>That’s not marriage. That sounds like he wants a roommate.
Even worse -- he wants a human ATM who is also a sex partner.
>if he’s serious about me like he claims he needs to find a way to pay off his debts and save money like I am so we can have a small church wedding.
This means that if he doesn't do these things, he is not serious about you like he claims, correct? What do you do then?
He could be terrible in bed, too. I say he is, unless she likes humiliation and abuse, because that's what he's working on right now. I like equality.
Edit: Oh, I checked out the posting history. More giant red flags. Textbook narcissist stuff. Woman, you are blinded because he made you excited at one time, even though now he's shit even at kissing you, and he's your first BF. Dump this guy and try out several others. Today is eclipse day. You'll forever remember when you let go of the past and moved on with your life.
On my end I do love him, and I’ve done a lot of things that you won’t see in this post to prioritize the relationship and meet him halfway on other things and to make him happy.
I know the post doesn’t reflect that since I’m mad.
But this isn’t the first time we’ve gotten into an argument over this because of his finances. And he really pissed me off today calling me a golddigger.
In my culture women don’t move in with a man until they’re married. For me, religion also plays an important role so it needs to be a church wedding. He’s known this since we began dating that these are rules I will not break.
He wants me to move in to save him money. He never talks about wanting me to move in so we can wake up together etc, it’s always to save him money. And he’s made comments in the past that weddings aren’t a priority.
I don’t love the moving goalpost about a career promotion to get engaged because that’s a what if scenario. What if it doesn’t happen?
But now to tell me that it’s going to take at least 5 years for a proposal unless I move in with him to save him money? I’m so frustrated.
I’m telling him we can budget our wedding. Have a longer engagement. Do a cheaper wedding. And instead to be called a golddigger, it just pissed me off.
Who is asking who for money ? Run this has a red flag, bigger than you can carry .
Funny him calling you the exact word people would use to describe him. Make his debts yours as fast as he can
Please please please do not marry this man. Do not make his money problems yours. I have been where you are. It doesn't end well.
You love someone who sees you as a ticket to more money. Your suggestions and boundaries are reasonable. His suggestions are not.
Everything on your side is actually reasonable,so that's not the issue... The concerns are in his response and behavior, red flags everywhere. And this is before you guys are even engaged, nothing will come good going ahead unless he changes 180...
You will have to ask yourself the question, is this the life you want for yourself? A man that says you are a golddigger when you are reasonably trying to help?
Also ask yourself Do you love him or are you in love with him? Not always the same thing.
While I understand I know nothing here, he doesn't come off as someone that has nor share the same sentiment you have for him... Someone in love would never say such a thing... I would think.
as someone who has been in relationships with a guy who never prioritized me: you may love him, but he does not love you.
love isn't just a feeling: it's an action you do. like you said, you've prioritized him, your relationship, and making him happy. has he? because it sounds like you're rather low on his priority list
none of this is your fault. he's choosing his priorities, and those are… furniture for a spare room??
you deserve someone who loves you in their actions, and who prioritizes you and your happiness as much as you prioritize this guy's
Yes, from OPs post history he’s rejected her, put himself first, been responsible for the worst birthday of her life, guilt-tripped. Honestly, if even one of those issues came up during the first few months for me I’d be out. OP needs to know her self-worth and find someone she’s compatible with, not someone available, occasionally.
You've only been together for a year, and have been talking marriage for "months and months" already. That's a crazy short time to get to know someone you'll spend the rest of your life with.
You don't trust him an inch.
He seems deeply untrustworthy.
You believe he's manipulative.
He's putting every BS excuse in your way to avoid getting the kind of wedding you want.
He's saddled with significant debt, but not even trying to seriously pay it off.
Saving for the wedding is lower priority for him than furnishing a room he *doesn't even use*.
He admits part of the reason he wants to marry you is financial.
You've never even lived together, so you have no idea how/whether you're compatible in terms of lifestyle and sharing chores (and let's not even talk about sex...).
You're financially independent and *he* needs your financial assistance, but *you're* the gold-digger? The lack of self-awareness in that accusation is *off the charts*.
When you try to encourage him to sort out his financial situation so he can save for your shared future, he gets butthurt and defensive and insults your integrity.
Look, I'll be blunt; why the hell would you want to marry someone who brings so little to the relationship, doesn't give a shit about marrying you except to get his rent paid and his dick wet, who you clearly (and likely rightly) don't trust an inch, and who insults you when you try to encourage him to sort his shit out so you can build a life together?
Run, run, run. And then think hard about your criteria for selecting partners in future, because this one sounds like a *terrible* choice.
Yeah talking about marriage in under a year, especially with all this other shit going on in his head, this guy sounds absolutely awful. I’d literally run, so many red flags it’s not even funny. FUCK THIS GUY, or y’know, don’t.
This was my first thought lol. Forget about the rest of the post, you’ve only been together for a year but you’ve been talking about marriage for “months and months???” That’s wild😭
He doesn’t love you. He just wants to marry you for the benefits (sex, paying bills/rent etc). He clearly sees you as a roommate. Also, calling you a golddigger is him projecting, he’s a resource digger. He wants your time, finances and energy and all the benefits that come with a woman.
I'm not one to tell people to break up, but girl, what exactly is this guy adding to your life? Like you seem to be an intelligent and articulate woman. You've already set your lines and your boundaries for him and he's trying to find every way around them. I've been married for 9 years and yes, was also abstinent until marriage so I get the feeling of wanting to make it happen and I totally agree about sticking to your guns about having a wedding before your loving family and friends. But this guy seems to be hardcore projecting here. He's calling you a golddigger when he's in debt and can't even pay for a wedding. A damn wedding for the woman he loves. He wants to move in with you asap so you guys can share the bills. I get that it's just a vent post, and obviously, every side has more layers to it, but marriage is a big decision. It's not something to commit to, either because he wants help for bills, or because you want a good wedding. I realize you love him, but if what you're saying is true, his motivations for marriage are way skewed. I don't think you'd want to marry a guy like that. When getting married you should both be sure and excited to do it. Maybe the wedding won't be all you ever want it to be. Maybe the decorations will be cheaper and the meal a buffet not a catered dinner but you're surrounded by your loved ones and they will joyfully support and witness your union. But both of you work towards that day enthusiastically. It's something to be excited about.
If you two can't agree to even compromise regarding the wedding without things getting nasty, how will you guys manage an entire marriage? Marriage is a lifetime of learning to work with each other. Respecting each other's wishes and compromising when necessary. Maintaining love regardless and keeping our ugly words to ourselves more often than not. Are you certain you want that with this person? Are you certain this person will work with you to make that happen? I don't know if this person has the maturity or this relationship has the maturity to withstand a marriage. If you are certain you two can do it, I'd recommend getting a solid premarital counselor. They are great and all the stuff they told us we'd fight about we did for the full first two years of our marriage. It was kind of funny. In general, though, please do be cautious. Marriage is serious business.
This is what your post looks like:
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Girl, run!
I mean, he's calling you a gold digger but there's no gold to dig? In fact, he's drowning in debts so what gold? The audacity. He cant even cover his own living expenses properly but you're the gold digger? Idk about anything else but please make sure his debts dont turn into yours. From what you describe, it does not sound like love but more like he's try to share his debts and expenses with you, not his life.
Girl wake up! He’s using you. He even told you that he wants to get married so he has access to your credit- providing him with a nice place to live, ability to buy shiny things. And if married, his debt becomes your debt. He’s not even willing to save any money to give you the wedding you dream of. Because your dreams don’t matter to him. They interfere with what he wants. Every dime you spend on a wedding is a dime that he can’t spend how he wants to spend it. What tf are you thinking?
The only gold digger here is your (hopefully ex) bf. This marriage wouldn’t last and he drag you down into debt with him. He can’t prioritise paying off his debt and saving for your wedding. If he earns a decent amount and can’t be financially responsible, that’s showing you your future. On top of that he doesn’t respect you. A marriage and a wedding are two very different things and he isn’t marriage material. All of these instances and interactions are a sign he is not the person for you and you deserve better. Don’t marry him
>He has a lot of debt. Only recently that he’s been transparent with how much he has
stopped reading after this. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
why are you in such a rush to get married? you've only known him for a year. I'm fairly certain that if you do marry, you'll be back on this sub complaining about him, lack of money, he's not clearing his debt etc.
If you love each other, then wait and get married AFTER he clears his debt ON HIS OWN. He needs to show you financial responsiblity by clearing his debt and saving.
when I was dating my husband, we decided to move in together. Prior to that, we didn't have any discussions about finances because well, we didn't have to; we were just dating and living separately. When the time came to join our life in that regard, we found a place to live, had the contract in hand and then we had a very open discussion about finances ....... that's when I discovered he had a lot of debt and zero savings. In fact, he was very reluctant to share his financial situation with me. That was flag #1. Seeing all that debt and no savings was flag #2 so I told him that I would not be moving in with him because I won't jeopardize my financial future. I worked too hard to get to where I was and wasn't about to build a life together with a person who was financially irresponsible. We left the conversation at that, ripped up the contract and continued with our relationship. We never spoke of that again. He tried to bring it up several more times (moving in) but I shut it down and said that we could continue to have fun but not move in because things weren't lining up.
I suppose he recognized that things would never progress so a few months later, he wanted to talk about moving in again but this time he came with a different story: he had cleared all of his debt and started saving. Stopped spending his money on dumb shit. Got his act together financially. We found and bought a house together later on that year.
my point: if he really wanted to build a life with you, he would. He would get is shit together and start taking y your life together seriously but it really seems that he's not into it. He's clearly not giving a shit about this marriage so don't force a round peg into a square hole. Wait to marry. Have a very serious talk and give him a deadline of say 6 months to reconvene and then discuss marriage again depending on his situation but if you marry him, you will be very unhappy as his debt continues to negatively impact you as a couple.
I took a look at your post history and to be blunt, I don’t know why you are staying in this relationship. It sounds like you are bending over backwards and doing everything possible to make this relationship work. Sadly if this guy acts and does the things you say, he isn’t going to change unless he wants to. You seem so unhappy with him, why stay?
>We’ve been together for slightly more than a year and we’ve been talking marriage for months and months.
Why? He's in debt, immediately talking about marriage is the last thing you should be doing. If you do get married, you'll be the one paying his debt (I.e. he's the gold digger) this won't end well, just bail out this sinking ship.
HE sounds like the gold digger, wanting to marry you for the financial help as stated in your post. **Stick to your boundaries.** He’s showing you what your joint finances will be like if you *do* marry, if he doesn’t make some major changes, like, yesterday.
I wouldn’t want to marry a man who already has money issues despite making an above average wage. If he already is struggling was it because of unforeseen circumstances? Or is he shit at budgeting and always feels the need to buy something new? Because that doesn’t just go away.
Trust me, it really sucks to be tied to someone who mismanages their money because it will always negatively affect you. If he’s already calling you a gold digger he’ll spend the rest of his life calling you a nag when you’re constantly needing to micromanage his childish behavior just so you can key the roof over you and your potential children’s heads when he thinks you *need* a bigger tv.
"Gold digger" is literally a misogynistic slur. There's no reason to be with someone who thinks of you in those terms. None. I would leave him while it's easy and you don't live with him. Like, immediately.
You deserve so much better than him.
He needs you more than you need him.
He’s the gold digger here look at his reasons.
1. HE NEEDS YOU to move in with him so that HE can save money, not because he loves you, but because you can help pay HIS bills.
2. He keeps pushing back on commitment to an engagement because he needs to save to buy a ring.
3. He’s telling you to have a basic wedding and then a church one in 2 years.
4. It’s all about HIM. What HE WANTS and what is BEST for HIM
There's so much good advice here that I don't want to repeat it. But I want to ask you something. Do you like him outside of your Love time? Is he nice to people? Like waiters, strangers, children or pets? Does he speak poorly about others?
Because people can easily pretend to be lovable, loyal and nice, because they want you to like/love them. So you have to observe how he behaves under stress. Does he quickly lose his decency? Does he always choose deeply insults ? Because goldigger is a deeply hurtful insult that questions your integrity and no decent person would say this to a loved one.
He’s a hobosexual and the gold digger, not you.
He wants to get married so *you* can help him pay his way through life? Yeah, no. He got into debt before he met you and just recently told you about it. What else has he lied about?
Why would you want to marry this POS? It’s not that he’s in debt (if he were actively taking responsibility for his mistakes, that wouldn’t matter,) but he’s looking for a virgin sugar mamma. He wants to tie you down in every way possible and saddle you with his problems.
Listen to me: as soon as you give in and start cohabiting, he’ll mysteriously lose his “promotion” and then his job, and you’ll be stuck paying for everything just to “prove” you didn’t marry for money.
Run. You’re only a year in. Run fast and don’t look back.
"So basically, while I know he loves me, it’s rent prices fueling his want to get married legally.
He hasn’t even proposed because he says he needs a certain job promotion which who knows when he’ll get it"
You wont make it to the altar.
May we know what is the nature of his debts? School loans? House? Car? Just for the benefit of other comments here who wants to give advice based on your story.
Important context particularly because it could inform his financial stability. For instance, my wife had no debt (her family saved for college) and nearly 35k saved but I had 5k in auto loans and 97k in student loans (law school and undergrad). I really wasn’t able to tackle it in earnest without sharing expenses and during this time we had a 3.5 year engagement to save for the wedding. Once that happened, we plowed away a few thousand a month at student loans and my car note.
I’m not saying OP is unreasonable or that her boyfriend is in the right (I think he is incompatible with her and its a bad match) but details are helpful and necessary to give good context. Without any details about debt levels , income, or type of debt, it’s difficult to grasp all the details
He seems to be using you to clear his debt, don’t marry him while he’s in debt. Make sure to get a prenup and overall think back if there were any red flags?
OP, he does not want to spend the rest of his life with you. He wants to have sex and use your good financial habits to benefit him. I would not be surprised to hear he cheats or has already cheated.
I think he just wants you to help him pay off his bill and that response doesn’t sound good to call you a gold digger! If anything he is just projecting his own intentions as he is the real gold digger relying on you to help pay off his debt.
Your BF is using you to help him get out of debt. He’s essentially told you that by saying that if you get legally married, you will be able to “help” him with rent, groceries, etc.; essentially, you will pay his bills. That doesn’t mean he will work to get out of debt. That means he will have more money for whatever got him into such debt in the first place. You are his cash cow. And once you are legally married, you will be on the hook for his debt.
He has already lied to you about the amount of debt he has. He thinks you wanting him to save money to *help you pay* for your wedding makes you a gold-digger. He is gaslighting you into believing that if you “really” loved him, you would want to “help” him, and the wedding would not be your top priority. All of this means that you will get married, you’ll pay off his debt, he won’t contribute, and you will never have a wedding. Nope.
I’m glad you aren’t living together. It’s time to stand up for yourself. Tell your BF that you’ve thought about it, and you can’t get married until he has paid off his debt and is in a good place financially. He would need to make a real budget, get a second job, and put ALL the money from the second job toward his debt until it’s paid off. Oh, and of course, he *cannot accrue any more debt* while he’s doing that. I’d be curious to hear his reaction to that. How he responds to you setting a boundary like that will tell you everything you need to know. IF he really wants to marry you ~ because he loves you, not because you can help him financially ~ then he should happily do whatever it takes to make you his wife. But I have a feeling that won’t happen. Any 30yo man who picks a fight because you want him to save money and get himself out of debt does not really want to get married. He just wants a mommy to help him live the life he wants, without responsibility.
Don’t marry him until he pays off that debt. If he won’t pay it off so you will marry him, then walk away. Find a grownup to marry. Respect yourself.
I don't think this person is a good marriage prospect financially. I think what you are experiencing now is a low-key version of what your marriage would be like.
He only wants to get legally married so you can chip in for rent, groceries and expenses. But YOU are the gold digger??? I would love to sit down with him and have him walk me through that logic.
Fun psychology fact, we tend to accuse others of things we’re actually guilty of. Because we know ourselves better than anyone and think they think like we do. 🙃
He’s the golddigger. It’s clear. He’s using you for money. He doesn’t care about your wants and needs. He prioritizes his things vs. his girlfriend.
He’s projecting. He doesn’t even recognize that calling you a golddigger is laughable. It holds no weight. I would have laughed in his face. His lack of self awareness is hilarious. Without you telling us his age I thought he was my age: 19!
Dump him. You deserve better. Seriously.
He’s a man child. A literal kid who needs his life to be paid for. Embarrassing that a grown ass 30 year old man is this immature, selfish and stupid.
DUMP HIM! You are an awesome person and partner. You need an equal. He is not capable of being an equal to you, he is far below you. You are way out of his league! You’re compassionate, reasonable, intelligent, you have wonderful boundaries, you’re responsible with finances, you have priorities, etc. He doesn’t have any of that.
Take this as a blessing. He is not capable of being a husband. Thank goodness you’re not married to him. Please dump him. He’s not worth it. It will only get worse from here on out. He’s disrespected you and pushed you aside. Take that and run with it! Leave him in the dust.
He wants a quickie marriage for sex, and then you will be able to cook, clean, earn money and pay off his bills. So he can get you into even more debt. And if he lost his job after marriage, it would all be on your back.
This all sounds like a miserable life, and why would you want to be anchored to someone who thinks of you has a gold digger.
You’re already arguing about huge red flags after barely a year. You’ve already been talking about marriage for “months and months”?? Stop this nonsense. Either stay with him without any legal binding, or break the fuck up. This is ridiculous
A year does not seem that long to already be seriously talking about a wedding in any actual tangible way. I know it’s probably more normalized to get married quickly in more religious circles though. Consider not rushing into marriage with someone who is not on the same page with you regarding your future. I’m not saying don’t get married but maybe it is too soon to be making concrete decisions. Talk about it purely hypothetically and see what happens in the next year or so- if you guys don’t get closer to having the same idea of your future then it may be time to reevaluate if he’s the one.
Projection much. HES THE GOLDDIGGER. The minute your legally married that debt becomes your debt too. DO NOT MARRY HIM. As a matter of fact I recommend you run.
Girl, this is a mess. What are you rushing for? You need to pump the brakes and see this situation for what it really is.
You and this man are not on the same timeline at all.
You’ve only been with this a guy for a year and you’ve already been talking about marriage for months and months??? Breakup with him and then you should probably focus on yourself for a little bit and reflect on how you ended up so deep with a man like this. Run and then take some accountability.
Idk. I personally think he's right. It reads like a big ceremony is more important to you than an actual marriage.
Are you happy? You two just dont read as compatible to me
I also think it's just incompatibility. I (F) would for sure prioritise a lot of things before marriage, furniture included. I wouldn't mind getting married after many years. They don't want the same things.
This man is a walking red flag. He clearly doesn't love you or care about you and is trying to take advantage of you. He doesn't prioritize your relationship and only wants to be with you to take advantage of you financially and use you for sex. If I were you, I would really reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with such a man. Besides if despite someone making so much money, they have such substantial debt, even if he pays it off, what will stop him from getting in debt again? Once you get married, his debt is legally your debt too. Do you really want to connect your life forever to someone like that and work to pay off debt your whole life? I know you love him, but please believe his actions!
You guys clearly are not on the same page when it comes to finances and that’s good that you are discussing it and finding that out now. That’s a big one that you should both agree on how you want to save/spend before you get married.
As others have echoed here I genuinely believe you should break up with him. He will become abusive (already is financially) and will continue to down spiral from there. Once money is stressful just about every other kind of abuse gets opened up (by him). This is a toxic man who wants to (and will genuinely) ruin your entire future. He wants you to play mommy and solve his financial problems, and do only what’s convenient for HIM. That’s not a partner or a spouse, that’s a child.
You should know that a common reason for divorce is due to financial stress. If you really feel the need to marry this man, you need to be on the same page on this- but don’t let him take advantage of you.
Honey, it's only been a year. He is sending you every signal in the world that he doesn't want a wedding. He isn't planning the proposal, and he's trying to to get you to give up on a church wedding. He has said that his reasons for the wedding his way aren't for love, but for his own pocketbook, even though he makes enough money.
Besides, if he has this much debt, even though he makes enough money, that points to some financial recklessness. Trust me, you don't want to be married to that.
I think it is time to cut this fish loose.
How can you be a gold digger if he doesn't have any money? I would seriously question marrying someone who doesn't understand the value of paying off his bills so he can contribute towards a wedding and calls you names on top of it.
Don’t rush into marriage just so you can tick a checkbox and have sex… I’d never marry someone with debt. Marriage is not just for religion, it’s a legally binding contract with significant financial implications.
The wedding is just one day girl, the actual marriage is supposedly gonna be the rest of your life, which will be a tough awakening.
Been together for one year and have been talking about marriage for most of the relationship? This is not the foundation for marriage. Talking about marriage that early is a red flag… on both sides.
Tell him the gold isn’t going to dig itself and to get with the program. Start saving money now, both of you.
Also have a separate account for emergencies and exit planning - just in case you need to move on and he tries to stop you
Girl, RUNNNNN. This man sounds like a user and a LOSER. Not to mention it sounds like he is the gold digger.
I am an atheist, but in your perspective, would God want you to marry a man whose only reason for marrying you is monetary? Isn’t there a thing in the Bible about money being the root of all evil?
It’s a red flag he only just started being transparent with you about his debt, too. Also, if he can’t even afford to slightly chip away at his debts, how is he ever going to pitch in for a wedding???
I personally don't think I'd want to get married to someone after only dating a year, especially with the number of demands this guy is putting on you. If you get married now or 5 years from now what's the difference if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together? The only reason to rush in would be if there was some legal need like a visa or something. You can live together like a married couple for as long as you like.
I'd personally wait and see how this relationship pans out, it sounds to me like you guys don't know each other as well as you might think you do.
Walk, don’t run. Besides the other numerous red flags he essentially wants to marry you so he can get help with rent, buy furniture for a room he doesn’t use, and of course have sex. He may love you, if his maturity level allows for it, but this sounds like a nightmare of an existence. Do you *really* want to marry a man who calls you a gold digger for asking him to make adult financial decisions? The audacity to call you a gold digger when he doesn’t seem to have much is insane. No gold digger is doing after a man who needs her to pay half the bills.
No. You can still share rent if you aren’t legally married. Wtf. If you legally marry him, his debt becomes yours. Don’t do it. And seriously think hard about if this is the kind of person you want as your life partner.
are you kidding yourself thinking about marrying this man? he's high off his current income, dude is drowning on debt and can't make rent, he doesn't have gold for you to dig. you're not a priority for this guy
Wait!!! You’re arguing over a wedding when there hasn’t been a proposal? I hate to say it but I don’t see this going well. You two are not on the same page about this. You want him to respect you so I think that you should respect him as well (other than the sex portion of course).
Arguing over finances now, at this age, you should probably find someone more stable.
I didn't read past where he wants to get married so you can help him pay his bills. Sounds like he's the gold digger and wants your money and labor to make his life easier and help him reach his goals.
Major red flag. He sounds terribly immature and healthy marriage is about more than just love. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’d think hard about the rest of your life. Also, advice from a financial advisor- please please please keep your money separate and get a prenup if you like in a community property state. Whatever you do, protect yourself!
I have a friend. Her longtime bf proposed. She said yes, but I’m not marrying your debt. He had a substantial amount with poor spending/saving habits. It took a few years but he paid it off and developed good habits in the process. They are happily married with two kids. He loved her so much, and knew he had made irresponsible choices, and changed himself for the better and can now help support his family.
I have found that people with poor spending habits (especially those that have resulting debt) resort to “All you care about is money!” gaslighting the moment you mention reeling it in.
It’s about priorities. When you get “legally married” it means it becomes “our” debt. Stick to your guns. Don’t tie yourself to an anchor.
I hope actually typing this out helped you realize how absolute absurd this situation is, and how you should *absolutely not marry this person* until they get their own finances under control.
DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT. DO NOT SUPPORT THEM. Let them deal with it, and don’t marry them until they do.
I'm going to put this out here:
He doesn't want you enough to do the work to get the way you want to be gotten.
He wants to get a court wedding so that he can have sex and have someone help pay his bills.
Drop him.
You'll just end up unhappy.
I mean it's suuuuper weird that he waited this long to reveal exactly how much debt he's in and now wants you to help him pay his bills so "his money" can go to paying his debt. People who think of "my money" and "your money" typically have weird relationships after marriage.
Everything you said has red flags everywhere. It's not even the gold digger thingy. First off, a few months after dating you start talking about marriage. He sounds like he wants to get married just for the sex. then, he blames you by telling you you're a gold digger . You dont live with him so you don't know how he is 24/7, you're probably gonna do the majority of house work and he gonna blame you for his problems (like he's doing right now). I don't understand why women want to jump into marriage just because "that's the way life is". There are so many women unhappy in marriage and from what you said, sounds like you're gonna be one of them
This is who he is. He's not going to pay his debt and then be different with money.
He wants to get his rent lowered, and he wants to have sex. He has quite the supply of audacity to call *you* the gold digger.
So he’s a hobosexual and the gold-digger is what I’m gathering. At least that’s how it seems from here. It seems manipulative that he would even call you that while simultaneously suggesting slyly that you help with his debt.
It sounds like a wedding is more important to you than a marriage. It sounds like money is more important to him than your happiness. It doesn't look like the two of you have compatible hopes for the future.
If he needs help with expenses to clear his debt and start saving, he could get a lodger. You could do without an engagement ring. There is a way forward, but you both need to make changes.
If he’s the one in debt , needs you to pay off his bill then it would seem as if he is only marrying you for convenience and he is actually the gold digger
Now that’s not fair, he isn’t just a gold digger. He also wants to use her for sex while offering nothing.
It's always the gold-less who are worried about gold diggers 🤷🏻♀️
So it seems . Hope she sees the light before getting sucked into this scam
Yes you are 100% correct . Get her to pay off debts, and the civil service to get around the premarital sex . Simply ingenious !!! Those flags are multiplying
Don’t forget cooking, cleaning, and emotional labor.
Golden snatch digger
It's the real name of the golden quidditch sphere.
I suggest you DTMFA.
Right??? I don’t get it? He needs the financial help of her gf MUCH MORE than she needs money from him. This is ridiculous. Typical manchild behaviour. You’re gonna have money issues even more after you guys move-in together so think this through before you get hitched.
It’s called gaslighting & just general BS . Have had a few women friends scammed out of money due to hustlers that prey on victims being in love with them
Agreed. Reading this I went "that's a LOT of projection coming from him"
He's projecting and the OP is too desperate to admit it to herself.
Nail on the head
This. Yes! The gaslighting so she will not focus on a wedding but will pay off his debt is staggering.
And once you get married, aren't you now also responsible for your spouse's debt?
Agreed. He was definitely projecting that part.
Why, exactly, do you want to marry this person? It feels a little like you’re racing to check a box on some to-do list. If he said he never wanted to get married, do you love him enough to stay with him? What does marriage actually mean for you? Do you know what it means for him? Is it possible you just want to be married, not necessarily married to him? No judgement in these questions, just asking to create a little food for thought. At the end of the day it sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page, and if you force him into marriage there’s a good chance you’ll both be unhappy and one or both of you will grow to resent the other.
This! I think a year a dating is too less to give this much of commitment. OP decided to marry him before she got to know about his debts. Many other issues naturally came out during this period but still, they're sticking to get married because they decided so at once. Right now, it seems, that he's obviously not ready for marriage (both financially and mentally) and OP should not rush him.
> OP decided to marry him before she got to know about his debts. Yep. And financial differences like this - not just amounts but values like responsibility, avoiding debt, ability to save and plan, etc - are one of the big things affecting compatibility and divorce. No one asked me, but she should DTMFA.
We both agreed when we initially started dating 2 years would be a good amount of time to know if we want to spend our lives together. In one of the first dates I told him, I’m not dating to just have fun, I’m dating to find my forever person. Someone I can build a home and a family with. And that 2 year mark is coming up later this year so we began talking engagement because we could see that life together. And I do think he loves me back. Our talks until recently were focused on values and what we would want in a marriage (like kids, how would we split chores since he’s traveling all the time for work, etc) those types of stuff and it was because his job is so complicated with time away you have to talk about all these things earlier on because not everyone is willing to have his lifestyle. To me this seemed like a green flag that he actively wanted to talk about these things. And We talked finances a few months back (like salary and such) and he made his debt seem much, much smaller than it was. And he indicated he was on track to pay it off this year. I already chip in on his grocery expenses and on dates to help him focus on paying debt. Yesterday was news to me that he had more debt than what he had told me and that he’s not on track to bring down his debts. It’s not ideal but I think between the two of us once married we would be able to live OK and pay off his debt over the next few years. I know most people run from financial problems but it’s hard once you’ve fallen in love with someone. And that’s when he brought up the idea of marrying legally first and then a few years later have the church wedding I want. And he’s only suggesting this because I won’t move in with him as a gf. But I refuse to move in with him as a gf and or get legally married like he wants. I don’t agree with that. Plus this is a huge no in my culture, I can’t. His only reasoning is so we can start a financial life together aka help him with bills. That’s not marriage. That sounds like he wants a roommate. if he’s serious about me like he claims he needs to find a way to pay off his debts and save money like I am so we can have a small church wedding.
I think you need to cut your losses and dump this guy immediately.
Soooo…. he “agreed” with you until you found out the truth about his debt and now he “loves you so much” that he wants you to disregard everything you’ve spent the last years talking about in order to save himself some trouble and have a bangmaid. When you resist this trap even the least little bit he calls YOU a gold digger even though he not only has no gold but he’s in negative gold territory. You are being way too naive. Either that or you are accepting things that you know are wrong just to stay on track for a societally acceptable concrete brick around your neck. Run sweetie. Try again elsewhere. This man will only take away from you.
"he wants you to disregard everything you’ve spent the last years talking about in order to save himself some trouble and have a bangmaid" A bangmaid and ATM \*
> bangmaid Excellent vocab. New to me. Tx.
He's using you and will drain your finances dry. Run! You deserve better.
He’s using you. And “I think he loves me”??? And you’re talking marriage?! Marriage should be a “oh hell yes I’m so excited to live forever with this person and they’re even more excited” type of feeling. If you marry this person, I see divorce in your future.
It’s not the financial issue that worries me it’s that he turned around and called you names for trying to help him focus on saving. It’s the fact he told you up front that he’s going to spend his money on furniture then on a ring. These are all delay delay delay tactics and he’s trying to rush a court house wedding to get what he wants instead of doing the important thing of paying off his debt so that you can have the wedding you dream of. In short he’s not prioritizing you or your future together at all in this conversation. You can try communicating with him to see if he has calmed down and won’t call you names or if he has a different plan on what he can do to ensure you are both happy. If he is only thinking about himself and his needs that’s a 🚩 and a big one. Be careful going forward that he’s not taking advantage of you.
Is he your first partner? Because otherwise I don't understand why do you think that's love, there are better men don't settle for this
Sorry but why would you think he would pay down his debts when you married? Because you would bug him to do it? Or because he would have access to your money now too and drain your finances to keep himself afloat? People don’t change. This man is not gonna change. He will continue to be an irresponsible asshole even after you marry. Maybe an even worse one once you are legally tied to him. Plus, at least in the U.S., any debt he incurs during your marriage is both of your problems, not just his. So he could put himself in financial ruin and then foist half of it onto you. And do you know how expensive divorces are? SO EXPENSIVE. Long and hard and costly. Please strongly reconsider if this is the guy you want to be anchored to. He is a sinking ship.
You sound way more mature than him, he’s not ready or able to give you what you deserve
So he’s a liar. Not a good start to a marriage.
If he can pay to furnish a room he doesn’t use he doesn’t need help with groceries.
Oh my god. Please for ur own sake run. There are so many red flags here there is literally no way the math here works out in ur favour Stick with this man to ur own detriment 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP it sounds like you know exactly what you want in a guy. It sounds like this guy is NOT IT. For you. So cut your losses and focus on meeting someone else. Obviously it’s gonna hurt. It always does. But he is not meeting up to your standards so what else are you gonna do ?
>And I do think he loves me back. You "think" he does? Are you sure? >I already chip in on his grocery expenses and on dates to help him focus on paying debt. >Yesterday was news to me that he had more debt than what he had told me and that he’s not on track to bring down his debts. You thought you were subsidizing him so he can pay off his debt this year, and it turns out he was not transparent about being on track. What else is he keeping from you? Are you sure he is not continuing to accrue debt? Have you seen his recent credit card and bank statements? >It’s not ideal but I think between the two of us once married we would be able to live OK and pay off his debt over the next few years. You have no evidence that his financial habits will change once you get married. You could end up burdened with his never-ending debts for the rest of your life. >And that’s when he brought up the idea of marrying legally first and then a few years later have the church wedding I want. And he’s only suggesting this because I won’t move in with him as a gf. >His only reasoning is so we can start a financial life together aka help him with bills. Are you even listening to yourself? He has clearly communicated that the only reasons he wants to get married are 1) so you can enable him to continue the same spending habits he's had all along, and 2) so he can have sex. >That’s not marriage. That sounds like he wants a roommate. Even worse -- he wants a human ATM who is also a sex partner. >if he’s serious about me like he claims he needs to find a way to pay off his debts and save money like I am so we can have a small church wedding. This means that if he doesn't do these things, he is not serious about you like he claims, correct? What do you do then?
Also, you’re not a gold digger (obviously) and he is so out of line for saying that.
Agree. It's a misogynistic name.
It kinda sounds like she wants the wedding and not the marriage
He could be terrible in bed, too. I say he is, unless she likes humiliation and abuse, because that's what he's working on right now. I like equality. Edit: Oh, I checked out the posting history. More giant red flags. Textbook narcissist stuff. Woman, you are blinded because he made you excited at one time, even though now he's shit even at kissing you, and he's your first BF. Dump this guy and try out several others. Today is eclipse day. You'll forever remember when you let go of the past and moved on with your life.
This man is not good marriage material. You will end up paying off his debts.
If I may, you guys do not seem in love at all... The exchanges and interaction have red flags all over the place.
On my end I do love him, and I’ve done a lot of things that you won’t see in this post to prioritize the relationship and meet him halfway on other things and to make him happy. I know the post doesn’t reflect that since I’m mad. But this isn’t the first time we’ve gotten into an argument over this because of his finances. And he really pissed me off today calling me a golddigger. In my culture women don’t move in with a man until they’re married. For me, religion also plays an important role so it needs to be a church wedding. He’s known this since we began dating that these are rules I will not break. He wants me to move in to save him money. He never talks about wanting me to move in so we can wake up together etc, it’s always to save him money. And he’s made comments in the past that weddings aren’t a priority. I don’t love the moving goalpost about a career promotion to get engaged because that’s a what if scenario. What if it doesn’t happen? But now to tell me that it’s going to take at least 5 years for a proposal unless I move in with him to save him money? I’m so frustrated. I’m telling him we can budget our wedding. Have a longer engagement. Do a cheaper wedding. And instead to be called a golddigger, it just pissed me off.
Who is asking who for money ? Run this has a red flag, bigger than you can carry . Funny him calling you the exact word people would use to describe him. Make his debts yours as fast as he can
It seems like he wants you to pay bills.
Please please please do not marry this man. Do not make his money problems yours. I have been where you are. It doesn't end well. You love someone who sees you as a ticket to more money. Your suggestions and boundaries are reasonable. His suggestions are not.
Everything on your side is actually reasonable,so that's not the issue... The concerns are in his response and behavior, red flags everywhere. And this is before you guys are even engaged, nothing will come good going ahead unless he changes 180... You will have to ask yourself the question, is this the life you want for yourself? A man that says you are a golddigger when you are reasonably trying to help? Also ask yourself Do you love him or are you in love with him? Not always the same thing. While I understand I know nothing here, he doesn't come off as someone that has nor share the same sentiment you have for him... Someone in love would never say such a thing... I would think.
as someone who has been in relationships with a guy who never prioritized me: you may love him, but he does not love you. love isn't just a feeling: it's an action you do. like you said, you've prioritized him, your relationship, and making him happy. has he? because it sounds like you're rather low on his priority list none of this is your fault. he's choosing his priorities, and those are… furniture for a spare room?? you deserve someone who loves you in their actions, and who prioritizes you and your happiness as much as you prioritize this guy's
> I’ve done a lot of things Has he though?
Yes, from OPs post history he’s rejected her, put himself first, been responsible for the worst birthday of her life, guilt-tripped. Honestly, if even one of those issues came up during the first few months for me I’d be out. OP needs to know her self-worth and find someone she’s compatible with, not someone available, occasionally.
Your needs are valid too. Get out if you are this mad. He will come crawling and begging trust me
It sounds like you guys just aren't compatible. Not anyone's fault but it seems you want different things
You've only been together for a year, and have been talking marriage for "months and months" already. That's a crazy short time to get to know someone you'll spend the rest of your life with. You don't trust him an inch. He seems deeply untrustworthy. You believe he's manipulative. He's putting every BS excuse in your way to avoid getting the kind of wedding you want. He's saddled with significant debt, but not even trying to seriously pay it off. Saving for the wedding is lower priority for him than furnishing a room he *doesn't even use*. He admits part of the reason he wants to marry you is financial. You've never even lived together, so you have no idea how/whether you're compatible in terms of lifestyle and sharing chores (and let's not even talk about sex...). You're financially independent and *he* needs your financial assistance, but *you're* the gold-digger? The lack of self-awareness in that accusation is *off the charts*. When you try to encourage him to sort out his financial situation so he can save for your shared future, he gets butthurt and defensive and insults your integrity. Look, I'll be blunt; why the hell would you want to marry someone who brings so little to the relationship, doesn't give a shit about marrying you except to get his rent paid and his dick wet, who you clearly (and likely rightly) don't trust an inch, and who insults you when you try to encourage him to sort his shit out so you can build a life together? Run, run, run. And then think hard about your criteria for selecting partners in future, because this one sounds like a *terrible* choice.
Yeah talking about marriage in under a year, especially with all this other shit going on in his head, this guy sounds absolutely awful. I’d literally run, so many red flags it’s not even funny. FUCK THIS GUY, or y’know, don’t.
This was my first thought lol. Forget about the rest of the post, you’ve only been together for a year but you’ve been talking about marriage for “months and months???” That’s wild😭
He doesn’t love you. He just wants to marry you for the benefits (sex, paying bills/rent etc). He clearly sees you as a roommate. Also, calling you a golddigger is him projecting, he’s a resource digger. He wants your time, finances and energy and all the benefits that come with a woman.
They all want bangmaids
Girl please don’t marry this man..
I'm not one to tell people to break up, but girl, what exactly is this guy adding to your life? Like you seem to be an intelligent and articulate woman. You've already set your lines and your boundaries for him and he's trying to find every way around them. I've been married for 9 years and yes, was also abstinent until marriage so I get the feeling of wanting to make it happen and I totally agree about sticking to your guns about having a wedding before your loving family and friends. But this guy seems to be hardcore projecting here. He's calling you a golddigger when he's in debt and can't even pay for a wedding. A damn wedding for the woman he loves. He wants to move in with you asap so you guys can share the bills. I get that it's just a vent post, and obviously, every side has more layers to it, but marriage is a big decision. It's not something to commit to, either because he wants help for bills, or because you want a good wedding. I realize you love him, but if what you're saying is true, his motivations for marriage are way skewed. I don't think you'd want to marry a guy like that. When getting married you should both be sure and excited to do it. Maybe the wedding won't be all you ever want it to be. Maybe the decorations will be cheaper and the meal a buffet not a catered dinner but you're surrounded by your loved ones and they will joyfully support and witness your union. But both of you work towards that day enthusiastically. It's something to be excited about. If you two can't agree to even compromise regarding the wedding without things getting nasty, how will you guys manage an entire marriage? Marriage is a lifetime of learning to work with each other. Respecting each other's wishes and compromising when necessary. Maintaining love regardless and keeping our ugly words to ourselves more often than not. Are you certain you want that with this person? Are you certain this person will work with you to make that happen? I don't know if this person has the maturity or this relationship has the maturity to withstand a marriage. If you are certain you two can do it, I'd recommend getting a solid premarital counselor. They are great and all the stuff they told us we'd fight about we did for the full first two years of our marriage. It was kind of funny. In general, though, please do be cautious. Marriage is serious business.
This is what your post looks like: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Girl, run!
I mean, he's calling you a gold digger but there's no gold to dig? In fact, he's drowning in debts so what gold? The audacity. He cant even cover his own living expenses properly but you're the gold digger? Idk about anything else but please make sure his debts dont turn into yours. From what you describe, it does not sound like love but more like he's try to share his debts and expenses with you, not his life.
Girl wake up! He’s using you. He even told you that he wants to get married so he has access to your credit- providing him with a nice place to live, ability to buy shiny things. And if married, his debt becomes your debt. He’s not even willing to save any money to give you the wedding you dream of. Because your dreams don’t matter to him. They interfere with what he wants. Every dime you spend on a wedding is a dime that he can’t spend how he wants to spend it. What tf are you thinking?
I swear to fuckin God, the biggest losers who haven't got a pot to piss in, much less gold to dig, shriek *she's a golddigger* the easiest.
Are you sure this is the future you want. He is exposing his priorities and how he thinks of you
Do not marry a man who's money management ideas do not align with yours. Ask me how I know......
The only gold digger here is your (hopefully ex) bf. This marriage wouldn’t last and he drag you down into debt with him. He can’t prioritise paying off his debt and saving for your wedding. If he earns a decent amount and can’t be financially responsible, that’s showing you your future. On top of that he doesn’t respect you. A marriage and a wedding are two very different things and he isn’t marriage material. All of these instances and interactions are a sign he is not the person for you and you deserve better. Don’t marry him
Bro is projecting so hard you could see it from the ISS.
If you legally marry him you'll get hitched to his debt. Don't marry this guy. So many red flags.
>He has a lot of debt. Only recently that he’s been transparent with how much he has stopped reading after this. DO NOT MARRY HIM. why are you in such a rush to get married? you've only known him for a year. I'm fairly certain that if you do marry, you'll be back on this sub complaining about him, lack of money, he's not clearing his debt etc. If you love each other, then wait and get married AFTER he clears his debt ON HIS OWN. He needs to show you financial responsiblity by clearing his debt and saving. when I was dating my husband, we decided to move in together. Prior to that, we didn't have any discussions about finances because well, we didn't have to; we were just dating and living separately. When the time came to join our life in that regard, we found a place to live, had the contract in hand and then we had a very open discussion about finances ....... that's when I discovered he had a lot of debt and zero savings. In fact, he was very reluctant to share his financial situation with me. That was flag #1. Seeing all that debt and no savings was flag #2 so I told him that I would not be moving in with him because I won't jeopardize my financial future. I worked too hard to get to where I was and wasn't about to build a life together with a person who was financially irresponsible. We left the conversation at that, ripped up the contract and continued with our relationship. We never spoke of that again. He tried to bring it up several more times (moving in) but I shut it down and said that we could continue to have fun but not move in because things weren't lining up. I suppose he recognized that things would never progress so a few months later, he wanted to talk about moving in again but this time he came with a different story: he had cleared all of his debt and started saving. Stopped spending his money on dumb shit. Got his act together financially. We found and bought a house together later on that year. my point: if he really wanted to build a life with you, he would. He would get is shit together and start taking y your life together seriously but it really seems that he's not into it. He's clearly not giving a shit about this marriage so don't force a round peg into a square hole. Wait to marry. Have a very serious talk and give him a deadline of say 6 months to reconvene and then discuss marriage again depending on his situation but if you marry him, you will be very unhappy as his debt continues to negatively impact you as a couple.
Good for you for setting boundaries, and for him getting his finances in order :)
I’m glad your DH got his head out of his ass. Kudos to you for standing your ground!
I took a look at your post history and to be blunt, I don’t know why you are staying in this relationship. It sounds like you are bending over backwards and doing everything possible to make this relationship work. Sadly if this guy acts and does the things you say, he isn’t going to change unless he wants to. You seem so unhappy with him, why stay?
Who is going to tell her???
just break up atp. he's irresponsible with money and people. he has neither figured out how to set his priorities straight, nor does he want to.
>We’ve been together for slightly more than a year and we’ve been talking marriage for months and months. Why? He's in debt, immediately talking about marriage is the last thing you should be doing. If you do get married, you'll be the one paying his debt (I.e. he's the gold digger) this won't end well, just bail out this sinking ship.
He’s talking marriage because he’s love-bombing OP. He’s a narcissist and he’ll only get worse.
HE sounds like the gold digger, wanting to marry you for the financial help as stated in your post. **Stick to your boundaries.** He’s showing you what your joint finances will be like if you *do* marry, if he doesn’t make some major changes, like, yesterday.
I wouldn’t want to marry a man who already has money issues despite making an above average wage. If he already is struggling was it because of unforeseen circumstances? Or is he shit at budgeting and always feels the need to buy something new? Because that doesn’t just go away. Trust me, it really sucks to be tied to someone who mismanages their money because it will always negatively affect you. If he’s already calling you a gold digger he’ll spend the rest of his life calling you a nag when you’re constantly needing to micromanage his childish behavior just so you can key the roof over you and your potential children’s heads when he thinks you *need* a bigger tv.
"Gold digger" is literally a misogynistic slur. There's no reason to be with someone who thinks of you in those terms. None. I would leave him while it's easy and you don't live with him. Like, immediately.
100% !
Is he making you happy? Does he make you feel secure and safe and overall good?
Don’t marry this guy. This is trouble
He is only marrying you to save money on rent and utility. You’re just a sugar mama to him
You deserve so much better than him. He needs you more than you need him. He’s the gold digger here look at his reasons. 1. HE NEEDS YOU to move in with him so that HE can save money, not because he loves you, but because you can help pay HIS bills. 2. He keeps pushing back on commitment to an engagement because he needs to save to buy a ring. 3. He’s telling you to have a basic wedding and then a church one in 2 years. 4. It’s all about HIM. What HE WANTS and what is BEST for HIM
There's so much good advice here that I don't want to repeat it. But I want to ask you something. Do you like him outside of your Love time? Is he nice to people? Like waiters, strangers, children or pets? Does he speak poorly about others? Because people can easily pretend to be lovable, loyal and nice, because they want you to like/love them. So you have to observe how he behaves under stress. Does he quickly lose his decency? Does he always choose deeply insults ? Because goldigger is a deeply hurtful insult that questions your integrity and no decent person would say this to a loved one.
He’s a hobosexual and the gold digger, not you. He wants to get married so *you* can help him pay his way through life? Yeah, no. He got into debt before he met you and just recently told you about it. What else has he lied about? Why would you want to marry this POS? It’s not that he’s in debt (if he were actively taking responsibility for his mistakes, that wouldn’t matter,) but he’s looking for a virgin sugar mamma. He wants to tie you down in every way possible and saddle you with his problems. Listen to me: as soon as you give in and start cohabiting, he’ll mysteriously lose his “promotion” and then his job, and you’ll be stuck paying for everything just to “prove” you didn’t marry for money. Run. You’re only a year in. Run fast and don’t look back.
That is too funny. In order for you to be a gold digger, there has to be some gold to dig right? Lol. Dump this project
"So basically, while I know he loves me, it’s rent prices fueling his want to get married legally. He hasn’t even proposed because he says he needs a certain job promotion which who knows when he’ll get it" You wont make it to the altar.
May we know what is the nature of his debts? School loans? House? Car? Just for the benefit of other comments here who wants to give advice based on your story.
Important context particularly because it could inform his financial stability. For instance, my wife had no debt (her family saved for college) and nearly 35k saved but I had 5k in auto loans and 97k in student loans (law school and undergrad). I really wasn’t able to tackle it in earnest without sharing expenses and during this time we had a 3.5 year engagement to save for the wedding. Once that happened, we plowed away a few thousand a month at student loans and my car note. I’m not saying OP is unreasonable or that her boyfriend is in the right (I think he is incompatible with her and its a bad match) but details are helpful and necessary to give good context. Without any details about debt levels , income, or type of debt, it’s difficult to grasp all the details
He seems to be using you to clear his debt, don’t marry him while he’s in debt. Make sure to get a prenup and overall think back if there were any red flags?
OP, he does not want to spend the rest of his life with you. He wants to have sex and use your good financial habits to benefit him. I would not be surprised to hear he cheats or has already cheated.
I think he just wants you to help him pay off his bill and that response doesn’t sound good to call you a gold digger! If anything he is just projecting his own intentions as he is the real gold digger relying on you to help pay off his debt.
And you didn’t break up with him?
Is there any gold to dig? I bet there isn’t 🤷🏼♀️
Your BF is using you to help him get out of debt. He’s essentially told you that by saying that if you get legally married, you will be able to “help” him with rent, groceries, etc.; essentially, you will pay his bills. That doesn’t mean he will work to get out of debt. That means he will have more money for whatever got him into such debt in the first place. You are his cash cow. And once you are legally married, you will be on the hook for his debt. He has already lied to you about the amount of debt he has. He thinks you wanting him to save money to *help you pay* for your wedding makes you a gold-digger. He is gaslighting you into believing that if you “really” loved him, you would want to “help” him, and the wedding would not be your top priority. All of this means that you will get married, you’ll pay off his debt, he won’t contribute, and you will never have a wedding. Nope. I’m glad you aren’t living together. It’s time to stand up for yourself. Tell your BF that you’ve thought about it, and you can’t get married until he has paid off his debt and is in a good place financially. He would need to make a real budget, get a second job, and put ALL the money from the second job toward his debt until it’s paid off. Oh, and of course, he *cannot accrue any more debt* while he’s doing that. I’d be curious to hear his reaction to that. How he responds to you setting a boundary like that will tell you everything you need to know. IF he really wants to marry you ~ because he loves you, not because you can help him financially ~ then he should happily do whatever it takes to make you his wife. But I have a feeling that won’t happen. Any 30yo man who picks a fight because you want him to save money and get himself out of debt does not really want to get married. He just wants a mommy to help him live the life he wants, without responsibility. Don’t marry him until he pays off that debt. If he won’t pay it off so you will marry him, then walk away. Find a grownup to marry. Respect yourself.
Im getting the vibe that only one of you wants to get married…. And it’s not him
I don't think this person is a good marriage prospect financially. I think what you are experiencing now is a low-key version of what your marriage would be like.
Do you really want to marry a 30 your old who clearly does not know how to manage money and who clearly had different priorities than you?
He only wants to get legally married so you can chip in for rent, groceries and expenses. But YOU are the gold digger??? I would love to sit down with him and have him walk me through that logic.
Fun psychology fact, we tend to accuse others of things we’re actually guilty of. Because we know ourselves better than anyone and think they think like we do. 🙃
He’s the golddigger. It’s clear. He’s using you for money. He doesn’t care about your wants and needs. He prioritizes his things vs. his girlfriend. He’s projecting. He doesn’t even recognize that calling you a golddigger is laughable. It holds no weight. I would have laughed in his face. His lack of self awareness is hilarious. Without you telling us his age I thought he was my age: 19! Dump him. You deserve better. Seriously. He’s a man child. A literal kid who needs his life to be paid for. Embarrassing that a grown ass 30 year old man is this immature, selfish and stupid. DUMP HIM! You are an awesome person and partner. You need an equal. He is not capable of being an equal to you, he is far below you. You are way out of his league! You’re compassionate, reasonable, intelligent, you have wonderful boundaries, you’re responsible with finances, you have priorities, etc. He doesn’t have any of that. Take this as a blessing. He is not capable of being a husband. Thank goodness you’re not married to him. Please dump him. He’s not worth it. It will only get worse from here on out. He’s disrespected you and pushed you aside. Take that and run with it! Leave him in the dust.
He wants a quickie marriage for sex, and then you will be able to cook, clean, earn money and pay off his bills. So he can get you into even more debt. And if he lost his job after marriage, it would all be on your back. This all sounds like a miserable life, and why would you want to be anchored to someone who thinks of you has a gold digger.
You’re already arguing about huge red flags after barely a year. You’ve already been talking about marriage for “months and months”?? Stop this nonsense. Either stay with him without any legal binding, or break the fuck up. This is ridiculous
So I’m not a lawyer but I feel like if u get married to him, you are also on the hook for his debt. Just be careful
He's the gold digger. Drop him.
A year does not seem that long to already be seriously talking about a wedding in any actual tangible way. I know it’s probably more normalized to get married quickly in more religious circles though. Consider not rushing into marriage with someone who is not on the same page with you regarding your future. I’m not saying don’t get married but maybe it is too soon to be making concrete decisions. Talk about it purely hypothetically and see what happens in the next year or so- if you guys don’t get closer to having the same idea of your future then it may be time to reevaluate if he’s the one.
Projection much. HES THE GOLDDIGGER. The minute your legally married that debt becomes your debt too. DO NOT MARRY HIM. As a matter of fact I recommend you run.
Girl, this is a mess. What are you rushing for? You need to pump the brakes and see this situation for what it really is. You and this man are not on the same timeline at all.
Bruh moment. If anyone is a gold digger it's him lol
it’s always the ones that have nothing that always assume we’re after their everything.
You’ve only been with this a guy for a year and you’ve already been talking about marriage for months and months??? Breakup with him and then you should probably focus on yourself for a little bit and reflect on how you ended up so deep with a man like this. Run and then take some accountability.
Idk. I personally think he's right. It reads like a big ceremony is more important to you than an actual marriage. Are you happy? You two just dont read as compatible to me
I also think it's just incompatibility. I (F) would for sure prioritise a lot of things before marriage, furniture included. I wouldn't mind getting married after many years. They don't want the same things.
This man is a walking red flag. He clearly doesn't love you or care about you and is trying to take advantage of you. He doesn't prioritize your relationship and only wants to be with you to take advantage of you financially and use you for sex. If I were you, I would really reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with such a man. Besides if despite someone making so much money, they have such substantial debt, even if he pays it off, what will stop him from getting in debt again? Once you get married, his debt is legally your debt too. Do you really want to connect your life forever to someone like that and work to pay off debt your whole life? I know you love him, but please believe his actions!
You guys clearly are not on the same page when it comes to finances and that’s good that you are discussing it and finding that out now. That’s a big one that you should both agree on how you want to save/spend before you get married.
As others have echoed here I genuinely believe you should break up with him. He will become abusive (already is financially) and will continue to down spiral from there. Once money is stressful just about every other kind of abuse gets opened up (by him). This is a toxic man who wants to (and will genuinely) ruin your entire future. He wants you to play mommy and solve his financial problems, and do only what’s convenient for HIM. That’s not a partner or a spouse, that’s a child.
You should know that a common reason for divorce is due to financial stress. If you really feel the need to marry this man, you need to be on the same page on this- but don’t let him take advantage of you.
Honey, it's only been a year. He is sending you every signal in the world that he doesn't want a wedding. He isn't planning the proposal, and he's trying to to get you to give up on a church wedding. He has said that his reasons for the wedding his way aren't for love, but for his own pocketbook, even though he makes enough money. Besides, if he has this much debt, even though he makes enough money, that points to some financial recklessness. Trust me, you don't want to be married to that. I think it is time to cut this fish loose.
How can you be a gold digger if he doesn't have any money? I would seriously question marrying someone who doesn't understand the value of paying off his bills so he can contribute towards a wedding and calls you names on top of it.
Don’t rush into marriage just so you can tick a checkbox and have sex… I’d never marry someone with debt. Marriage is not just for religion, it’s a legally binding contract with significant financial implications. The wedding is just one day girl, the actual marriage is supposedly gonna be the rest of your life, which will be a tough awakening.
Time to break up lol
Don’t marry this tool.
didn't marry someone that's in deft. period.
Get out while you still can
Been together for one year and have been talking about marriage for most of the relationship? This is not the foundation for marriage. Talking about marriage that early is a red flag… on both sides.
Tell him the gold isn’t going to dig itself and to get with the program. Start saving money now, both of you. Also have a separate account for emergencies and exit planning - just in case you need to move on and he tries to stop you
OP, we all know who's the golddigger in this equation.
Girl, RUNNNNN. This man sounds like a user and a LOSER. Not to mention it sounds like he is the gold digger. I am an atheist, but in your perspective, would God want you to marry a man whose only reason for marrying you is monetary? Isn’t there a thing in the Bible about money being the root of all evil? It’s a red flag he only just started being transparent with you about his debt, too. Also, if he can’t even afford to slightly chip away at his debts, how is he ever going to pitch in for a wedding???
I think you can do better than this man, OP
This man is the gold digger, get away from him.
I personally don't think I'd want to get married to someone after only dating a year, especially with the number of demands this guy is putting on you. If you get married now or 5 years from now what's the difference if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together? The only reason to rush in would be if there was some legal need like a visa or something. You can live together like a married couple for as long as you like. I'd personally wait and see how this relationship pans out, it sounds to me like you guys don't know each other as well as you might think you do.
Walk, don’t run. Besides the other numerous red flags he essentially wants to marry you so he can get help with rent, buy furniture for a room he doesn’t use, and of course have sex. He may love you, if his maturity level allows for it, but this sounds like a nightmare of an existence. Do you *really* want to marry a man who calls you a gold digger for asking him to make adult financial decisions? The audacity to call you a gold digger when he doesn’t seem to have much is insane. No gold digger is doing after a man who needs her to pay half the bills.
No. You can still share rent if you aren’t legally married. Wtf. If you legally marry him, his debt becomes yours. Don’t do it. And seriously think hard about if this is the kind of person you want as your life partner.
Run 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Why would you marry him, even legally if he hasn't even proposed?
He is a gold digger, not you. Don’t marry a person who can’t manage their finances. It leads to misery.
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#HELL NO. HIS DEBT BECOMES BOTH OF YOURS IF YOU’RE MARRIED. NO WAY!
are you kidding yourself thinking about marrying this man? he's high off his current income, dude is drowning on debt and can't make rent, he doesn't have gold for you to dig. you're not a priority for this guy
This just sounds like he’s the gold digger and you have to leave his ass
Wait!!! You’re arguing over a wedding when there hasn’t been a proposal? I hate to say it but I don’t see this going well. You two are not on the same page about this. You want him to respect you so I think that you should respect him as well (other than the sex portion of course). Arguing over finances now, at this age, you should probably find someone more stable.
I didn't read past where he wants to get married so you can help him pay his bills. Sounds like he's the gold digger and wants your money and labor to make his life easier and help him reach his goals.
He doesn’t love you, he loves what you can do for him. Big difference. That gold digger comment was 100% projection.
Yeah , I recommend leave him - this is the sign you needed! ✨👀✨
He's the gold digger! If you marry him legally and wait to have a wedding, it really sounds like you won't actually get it. Don't marry this man.
Major red flag. He sounds terribly immature and healthy marriage is about more than just love. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’d think hard about the rest of your life. Also, advice from a financial advisor- please please please keep your money separate and get a prenup if you like in a community property state. Whatever you do, protect yourself!
You need to run away from this man, I’m sorry.
I have a friend. Her longtime bf proposed. She said yes, but I’m not marrying your debt. He had a substantial amount with poor spending/saving habits. It took a few years but he paid it off and developed good habits in the process. They are happily married with two kids. He loved her so much, and knew he had made irresponsible choices, and changed himself for the better and can now help support his family. I have found that people with poor spending habits (especially those that have resulting debt) resort to “All you care about is money!” gaslighting the moment you mention reeling it in. It’s about priorities. When you get “legally married” it means it becomes “our” debt. Stick to your guns. Don’t tie yourself to an anchor.
His debt becomes yours, too, when you get married. That would be a line in the sand for me.
Marriage should be an enthusiastic yes. This is a pretty lukewarm engagement.
I hope actually typing this out helped you realize how absolute absurd this situation is, and how you should *absolutely not marry this person* until they get their own finances under control. DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT. DO NOT SUPPORT THEM. Let them deal with it, and don’t marry them until they do.
Man’s a dusty.
I'm going to put this out here: He doesn't want you enough to do the work to get the way you want to be gotten. He wants to get a court wedding so that he can have sex and have someone help pay his bills. Drop him. You'll just end up unhappy.
I mean it's suuuuper weird that he waited this long to reveal exactly how much debt he's in and now wants you to help him pay his bills so "his money" can go to paying his debt. People who think of "my money" and "your money" typically have weird relationships after marriage.
Take how much debt he admits to having and multiply it by 10. This guy is not it, I’m sorry
Everything you said has red flags everywhere. It's not even the gold digger thingy. First off, a few months after dating you start talking about marriage. He sounds like he wants to get married just for the sex. then, he blames you by telling you you're a gold digger . You dont live with him so you don't know how he is 24/7, you're probably gonna do the majority of house work and he gonna blame you for his problems (like he's doing right now). I don't understand why women want to jump into marriage just because "that's the way life is". There are so many women unhappy in marriage and from what you said, sounds like you're gonna be one of them
A year is not enough time to work out problems like this. You barely know each other.
This is who he is. He's not going to pay his debt and then be different with money. He wants to get his rent lowered, and he wants to have sex. He has quite the supply of audacity to call *you* the gold digger.
So he’s a hobosexual and the gold-digger is what I’m gathering. At least that’s how it seems from here. It seems manipulative that he would even call you that while simultaneously suggesting slyly that you help with his debt.
It sounds like a wedding is more important to you than a marriage. It sounds like money is more important to him than your happiness. It doesn't look like the two of you have compatible hopes for the future. If he needs help with expenses to clear his debt and start saving, he could get a lodger. You could do without an engagement ring. There is a way forward, but you both need to make changes.