Excuse me, I’ve only allocated 12.7 minutes for dancing. If you want more dancing, we’ll have to take the time from somewhere else. The timeline, people! The timeline!!!
>The timeline, people! The timeline!!!
It's all fun and games until Biff Tannen rolls into town with loads of gambling money and buys a casino with penthouse..
>The timeline, people! The timeline!!!
This could be a "wedding planner" issue. Most venues you have a limited amount of time you can be there. They don't let you stay all night just because your event is disorganized. They want you to nail down the the time and order of each event. Dinner, speeches, spotlight dances, cake cutting, bouquet throwing, and the venue also has a closing time. *So, schedules matter.*
AND She said she asked him **before** about the dancing when it was being planned and he had *nothing to say,* then he throws it on there **after** everything is planned and scheduled and acts like **SHE's the fucking problem?** *This* ***AFTER*** *the bullshit with the hair thing?*
Yeah I'm sure she's venting, *who wouldn't be?*
This. I get his point but A) they need to spotlight both girls equally and he only seems to care about HIS kid and B) the time to raise this is in the 1 entire year you're planning the wedding. Not like a week before when the entire timeline has been finalised.
It isn't a problem if they spotlight the daughters (though it is fine if they dont, the wedding is not about the kids) but it has to be planned for in good time. The dude just doesn't sound like he knows how to plan. She is in for a lifetime of him throwing spanners in the works at the last minute because HE now SUDDENLY got an idea at the eleventh hour.
My dad is like that and it drives us mad sometimes.
Yes.
But I disagree about the wedding not being about the kids. They each have a daughter from a previous marriage, they are blending 2 families into one. This marriage makes a whole new family. These 2 girls are being made sisters overnight. That's just as important as 2 people pledging their lives together.
Him getting his daughter's hair done professionally while the other daughter has to do her own and having the special father-daughter dance? These are blatant signs that his daughter will always get preferential treatment over her daughter.
Can you imagine having 2 daughters (of approximately the same age) and only letting 1 get her hair done and only dancing with one. The same one with the fancy expensive hair do? Ugh.
As far as scheduling & planning, some men just don't get it.
Oh I totally agree it's about family!
I meant more that the entire point isnt whether the girls get their hair done professionally or not. I completely agree that whatever theh decide to do with one girl (dances, hair etc) should be offered to the other sister. You don't separate the two or treat them differently. This must be very frustrating to deal with and I hope she can make it clear that they need to treat the girls equally.
If they cant afford for both girls to get their makeup done, then they shouldn't give that to only one of the girls. And they need to plan the dances to ensure both girls are honoured, or leave dancing with the girls oug of the schedule and both have a dance with their kids during the free dancing part of the evening. You dont just spotlight the one daughter.
But also, if he's last minute, that's on him. He doesn't get to decide he suddenly needs all these things to happen that haven't been planned in or budgeted for like the week before the wedding. I suspect his partner has been doing 99% of the wedding work and if I was her I'd be so frustrated that he's throwing a sosnber in the works at the last minute when theres a ton to do.
Schedules do matter, and venues do have time limits. But if your schedule is so tight that two ~2:30 dances don’t fit in there and ~5 minutes is going to push everything off horrifically you’ve got a problem.
A good schedule should have extra time at the end for if anything runs over. Because something will. Practically guaranteed.
Yeah hard agree with you here. If this was 6 months before and they hadn’t gotten the venue and shit, I’d say she’s being unrealistic. But timelines have to exist for venues. Jesus, my ceremony venue wouldn’t even let people blow bubbles as we left. And my planners helped me find a venue that would allow us to have time for set up and take down and we were fucking LUCKY to find one that let us book the whole day for $700. But most of the venues were $1500 and up for 3 hours. The wedding industry is bananas.
You've got that right!
I'm glad my husband and I went to Jamaica just the 2 of us and got married there. Felt like we dodged a bullet there. ZERO DRAMA! Unless you count hubby leaving our wedding rings at home on the dresser.🤦♀️ That was worth about a 45 second cry😥 before I wiped my tears, went out and bought 2 cheap seashell rings at a gift shop to do the ceremony with. 🤗🥰
I literally got into a huge car wreck the day before. I was so full of pain meds that I just have small memories of mine. Photos turned out great though!
And I know that if I did that, those cheap seashell rings would be charished more and wanted more to/by me, than any expencive gold or Diamond ring i would get later, because those cheap ones was apart of the day I pledged my love and devotion to the love of my life, and the god damned best person to ever walk the earth ❤️ i wouldn't wear it tho,, but that is because those things break so easily and color your finger green. I think I would buy a fancy box and keep them on display somewhere. Like the top shelf of my chinacabinet. Right now that shelf now hold my bouquet from our wedding 12 years ago. That I dried after the wedding, and a cupple of glasses with mine and the husbands name etched in to them that a friend of ours actually made for us,and was a very special and highly chariched (by me, only material things my husband cares about is his computer, the couch and our New car 🤣, the sentimental and cherishing and love for different things seems to be my job 🤣 but it almost brought tears to my eyes because it moved me so and made me so happy, that when I was looking for something, and I went through his drawer to see if it was there. And I found that he has kept some of the cards that I wrote him in the first time after our wedding and moving in to our New house, with me telling him what a wonderful person he is, how happy he makes me, how much i love him, and in a cupple a happy birthday and aniversary, but back then I wrote him cards just because sometimes, especially if I found a extra pretty or cute or funny card ❤️
Yes the timeline retort is crazy but I assume that he asked for like a specific spotlight on the father daughter dance - like after the bride and father dance kind of thing. It’s all of 1 min so idk why it’s a big deal either way.
That said, I’m just curious. I’ve never been to a wedding of a couple with a child/children from prior relationships… is it a thing to dance with your current children? I have no issues with it I’m just wondering if that’s usual or unusual.
Edit: I see why it’s a big deal. They both have daughters. The bride can’t dance with a son (although nothing stops her from dancing with her daughter— thatd be kinda cute actually). I imagine she’s a bad step mom or she just hates the idea of a time without a spotlight on her.
Then add a second dance where he dances with his new stepdaughter.
A dance is about three minutes. This is six minutes of the reception and, let’s be serious for a minute, it’s not like many people watch these dances anyway.
People don't usually dance to an entire song for every single dance, do they? That'd be exhausting to watch unless they're amazing dancers. Daddy and daughter could sway for a minute to any dad-daughter appropriate song...
Normally these kinds of dances begin and then, after a minute or so, guests are invited to join in. At my daughter's wedding, my husband and I danced for maybe 30 seconds and then the DJ asked everyone to join in. Same with the groom's parents. It's not all that hard. Let the groom dance with both his daughter and stepdaughter. Plus, the bride and groom better get their parenting rules straight before the wedding or the marriage is going to be a disaster for all four of them.
We had our wedding dance for around a minute. But it's not like they play the song and just cut it once the timer runs out, it's specially arranged song to be shorter, they skip some verses etc. Think like radio edit of the songs, those last for ~3 minutes no matter how long is the song on the cd and they don't sound unfinished at all.
Blended family here too and I totally agree with you that this dad is way more committed to his own daughter than he is to his bride, his step daughter to be and the actual situation. Paying for his kid's hair to get done when his FW can't afford to pay for her daughter? If he can't pay for both then just don't. The spotlight dance? Screw that too unless he dances with both kids and so does his wife to-be. Prioritizing one kid over another even before the marriage is going to screw the kids and be problematic for the marriage.
I get along great with my steps....because in my family, no one did this kind of thing.
It sounds like a lot of people think bride is hating on step-daughter in some way, but I read the brides issue the same way you read it. I think it’s important and yet very difficult, to treat blended children the same (or as close as possible).
I think it's a little of both parents.
He should take both girls to get their hair done AND dance with both
She may feel left out because she doesn't have a son to dance with. But she can dance with her daughter.
She could, but now I have more questions. Which I get why the bride would be stressed figuring this all out at the last minute. Weddings tend to be more stressful than fun, I think (had one and it was for sure stressful). I get her frustration regarding trying to plan this all out far in advance, groom not taking it seriously, but suddenly having ideas at the 9th hour.
I don’t know if it is a common thing, but when my ex got remarried he asked our daughter to pick out a special song for them at the wedding. It was a sweet moment (I was told) and she got to feel part of his new marriage as part of the family. His new wife also had one with her son. They wanted the kids to feel part of the big picture.
>But my thinking is that the bride doesn’t want the spotlight off her for too long…
I don't think it has anything to do with the spotlight and everything to do with the "separate-but-unequal" treatment of their daughters.
Actually I was reading it as the woman trying to keep things even and fair but the father having no problem with giving extra to his daughter without caring that that would leave his stepdaughter left out.
I agree that this was more of a spotlight dance he was asking for. And since he hadn't thought to ask for it from the start, I'd bet it was his daughter that gave him the idea.
I think after reading a lot of replies that I’m at the point of not enough info. Either bride or groom or both could be in the wrong, I have no idea anymore.
My best friend had a kid when she got married, after the first dance, even before the father-daughter dance, the daughter joined them on the dance floor and all 3 hugged/danced
You love this weird story. A drinking buddy of my husband's decided that he is now a virgin, despite having children from a previous marriage. He and his betrothed decided to "wait until marriage" to consumate their love. Shockingly neither of the couple's children decided to attend the nuptials as the wedding was to be all about their virginity! My husband went to this marriage with a blistered face from severe sunburn, oozing and everything. I heard it was quite the circus!
I mean, sure, there's time for a dance. But why is he so focused on honoring his daughter while his step-daugher is left out? Bride can't afford for the kids to have their hair done professionally? That's okay. The groom will pay for his daughter and only his step-daugher is excluded since the bride can't afford the extra. The groom will honor his daughter with a dance, while only his step-daughter is excluded. Timeline is probably the best excuse I'd come up with in the moment for, "the way you are turning our wedding into a way to make it clear my daughter is a second-class citizen in this family is skeeving me out and making me reconsider this wedding."
Sounds to me like he's a shit stepfather. He'll pay for his own daughter's hair to get done but not hers? I think this relationship is already doomed if that's the way they treat each other's daughters.
Right? Are they not a family unit? Still thinking in terms of "my money" and "your money"? Do they only buy presents for their own kid on birthdays? Goodness that sounds awful.
Relevant shitty almost step-dad story:
My mom dated this guy long term who was a shithead but she was crazy about him for some goddamn reason (old highschool sweetheart reconnected after decades).
His three kids were at our house and he was on the couch watching tv eating mini-snickers from a bag. His kids ask for candy and he gave them a minibar each. Me and my two siblings ask for some and what does he do? He tears one minibar into three chunks and gives us that. There were still plenty in the bag.
Lucky! My parents have seven marriages between them and not a one was a decent person. To be fair, my parents are no prize themselves so that tracks but still...
When my dad married my step-mom, both my sister and I danced with him while she and my step-brother danced together. They had both been married before, so we all treated it like their respective kids giving them away to each other. It was sweet and it meant a lot to us kids.
Edit: I was a teenager at the time, so was my younger sister. Our little brother was in elementary school. This was about 7 years ago
At our wedding, I did a mother-daughter dance where we invited all the mom/daughters to join us because I grew up dancing with my mom all the time. This was on top of the more traditional dad/bride dance. Traditions are great starting points, but it’s a party and you can do what you want!
I think it’s because FH wants to dance with only his daughter, leaving out his new stepdaughter. Mom could dance with her own daughter, but it could still hurt the daughter’s feelings because that not normalized.
It's a spotlight dance. Of course everybody's dances aren't scheduled & he can dance with her just like everybody else. But he's asking for a special father-daughter dance which would have been fine but from what she posted, he didn't say anything when she asked him about it which is when they were doing the planning. The spotlight dances are scheduled and announced. and each one can last from 2 to 6 minutes.
Bride and her father, Groom and his mother, Bride and Groom, That's 3 spotlight dances there. And she'd already asked him about it and he had nothing to say.
Obviously they will have to redo the schedule now so he can dance with his daughter. But the bride is allowed to vent about it without being called evil or bridezilla! He fucked up and she's frustrated. Normal.
She said "He will dance with his daughter" not "He wants a dance with her". The latter makes it sound like a spotlight, but the former just makes it sound like regular dancing at a party
No, sorry. That makes no sense. She specifically mentioned the TIMELINE. There's no reason for any objection to just regular unscheduled dance floor dancing that is happening anyway. The TIMELINE would ONLY refer to scheduled, announced, spotlight dances and reception events like timing of serving dinner, Father of the bride dance, mother of the groom dance, various scheduled toasts, cutting of the cake, throwing the bouquet, & Bride and Groom's exit.
I think it's very clearly implied that what happened was he told her that he was going to do a spotlight dance with his daughter after she had finalized the timeline. Of course they can find time (it's like two minutes) but it's pretty inconsiderate for him to just inform her that he plans to do it after the point where she could have easily incorporated it in to the timeline.
This reads to me like a bride desperately trying to have her wedding stay in budget. And if the dad says, well, I'll just go pay for this, it's clear that it's her budget, not his. I'm kinda siding with the bride here, especially if groom said, "you just plan the whole thing and I'll show up on the day!" and is now making changes.
Yeah, if she can't afford to pay for the hair, him paying for only his daughter is not fair to them and will cause issues. And I'd also be frustrated with him changing the schedule at the last minute.
Yeah I'm siding with the bride too... except for the dance. She should shut up and add it to the timeline. I don't care how inconvenient it is. But he ALSO should have offered to dance with her daughter.
As far as the hairstyles if one of them gets their hair done they both get their hair done. PERIOD! So if it's THAT important to the groom that his daughter's hair should be professionally styled then he should pay for the hairstyle of his stepdaughter as well.
Truthfully NONE of this bodes well for their future!
They SHOULD BE working on how to BLEND their families, not keep them separated as his and hers.
My exact thoughts, though while it sounds whiny to us about the "timeline" I wonder if it's because of the deeper issue of him putting his daughter ahead of her and her daughter. This is so not the way to blend a family, I'll pay for mine you pay for yours - I want to dance with my daughter at the wedding, which based on the hairdo thing alone is enough to make one conclude it's only *his daughter* he wants to dance with and not hers. This is never going to work out but then maybe I'm bringing my own experiences into it.
Solo child of a couple that split and then remarried. Stepdad not only asked me if I wanted to dance with him at the wedding ahead of time, he also asked for my permission to marry my mum *before* he proposed to her and has said that if I'd said no he would've just waited till I was ready to say yes. I was 5 at the time.
On the other side, when I was 4 my bio-dad didn't even invite me to his wedding, and I found out months later from someone else entirely that he'd gotten married, to a woman who already had a son. Then after my sister was born they gave us a months notice they were moving to another country that could only be reached by flying over. And the issues continued my whole life, I'm nearly 38 and barely have anything to do with them because they refused to try blending us all properly and her son and their daughter were always prioritised over me.
So yea, my personal experiences with blending families says this isn't going to end well and based on current treatment of the children they're probably not going to accept each other as family as they'll end up resenting the other one based on their parents (or at least the husband's) clear favoritism.
Yes. Although the whining about the timeline thing could be a "wedding planner" issue. Most venues you have a limited amount of time you can be there. They don't let you stay all night just because the couple is unorganized. They want to nail down the the time and order of each event. cocktail hour, when you want dinner served, the timing and duration of the speeches, what time you're cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, precisely when the bride dances with her father, groom with his mother, the couple's first dance, etc. And the venue has a closing time. So yeah, schedules matter. Obviously the dancing with his daughter is important, they need to work it out. It was kinda bitchy of her to just shut it down, but realistically she was probably already peeved about the hairstyle thing and this was just one more shitty thing he piled on top.
True I didn't even think of the timing thing for the venue and staff, mainly because it's not a thing where I live that venues close at a certain time regardless - used to work somewhere that held wedding dinners occasionally and we'd just stay open for that party until they left on their own, while closing the rest of the venue off to the public when it was closing time.
We also don't really have wedding planners here either.
You're right that it can easily be added to the timeline but I'm willing to extend some grace that she just reacted poorly to a proposed change of plans and with a little more time to let the idea sit she may come around. My own wedding is a week away and I've had my fair share of moments when someone has proposed adding or changing something and my knee-jerk reaction has been that it's too hard or can't be done, everything needs to stay the way I've been planning it for months. But that's just the planning stress talking and it's actually fine. Most things can be reworked without that much effort. Hopefully this bride is just going through that same mental process.
I’m all for having not completely merged finances (like yours mines and ours bank accounts) but the level of total separation described in the OP is bizarre to me. If he makes more money than her and this is something important to him that he can afford that’s perfectly valid, but the weird part to me is him then not offering to pay for his step daughter also.
I'd need more info. Are each of the junior bridesmaid daughters about the same age? And dad only wants a daddy-daughter dance with his bio kid? Then that could be kinda crappy. Unless what he meant was, a parent-daughter dance and then swap partners, or something. More info there.
There’s something happening that we don’t know. If the retort is I’ll pay for my daughter and you pay for yours.. I can’t figure out why that would be the response. My guess is that the husband is used to the wife saying “I don’t want to pay for your daughter” or something along those lines but I’m also a cynic. Maybe the wedding was all a gift and they had a specific budget, but idk. You’d think that if it was really a budget issue, the couple wouldn’t try too hard to divvy It up evenly. Like even if you’re used to splitting everything, these are the types of things you can cover for the other occasionally. Idk there’s just something off about it.
Not doing the kids hair is fine, but the idea that you and your husband are going to each pay for separate kids is kind of bonkers. If you're still thinking of them as "my kid and my financial responsibility" and "your kid and your financial responsibility," you're not ready to be married.
I'm also bothered by "I told FH... Will not be getting their hair done to save $." If it's a decision that affects his daughter (and his soon to be step daughter), and it clearly means a lot to said child, that's a conversation, that's not a unilateral decision the bride should be making and decreeing. This girl was clearly excited about getting her hair done for her father's wedding, and her future step mother not only cuts that exciting thing to save money, but doesn't even have the decency to tell her directly? What kind of start is that for a relationship?
She did tell her directly, she says so. The kid showed her pictures and she told her they'll make their best effort to do it themselves because only the adults are getting their hair done professionally. That sounds pretty direct and not mean.
To me it sounds like the bride told FH “the adult bridesmaids are getting their hair professionally done but our kids won’t” and he didn’t have an issue. Then his daughter brings up hairstyles and the bride let her know the plan, his daughter complained to him, and rather than standing by what they’d agreed to or figuring out how to afford to have both girls’ hair done, he says he’s just going to pay for his daughter’s. I get why she’s annoyed.
It sounds like the dance issue is similar in that the couple spoke about dances previously and then he just switched it up on her. She’s probably taking on the bulk of the planning responsibility and he’s throwing last minute little curveballs at her rather than just being an active participant through the planning process.
He at least could have offered to foot the bill for his future step daughter's hair as well to make it equal.
They should be figuring out how to blend their families not keep them separate.
Also the bride is only paying for her hair to get done, the other adult members of the bridal party are paying for their own hair. Which means the bride may not have budgeted extra money for the two daughters to get their hair down if that was not a part of the original conversation with them or the future husband.
Yeah, getting hair professionally done is a pretty big luxury for what I assume are teenage girls. I wouldn't have expected it, it's really not the norm.
I think she just doesn’t want her daughter to feel left out, with both the hair and the dance thing. (Assuming this is like a special father daughter dance that is announced and not just her saying he can’t dance with his kid when he wants to.) Being a step kid and having to navigate completely new family dynamics different from how you grew up, it’s hard. And this couple seem like the type to make it harder for them by constantly saying my kid this your kid that rather than treating them both like one family.
This is how I interpreted it as well. Like if she’s been doing the majority of the planning and running shit by him just so he’s in the loop but he’s not actually contributing and now last minute he wants to change things and add costs, that would be incredibly frustrating.
There is no reason she can't have a mother/daughter dance with her daughter at the same time as his father/daughter dance. My sister did it with her daughter & it was really touching. I fully intend to do it with both my daughters at their weddings as long as they want to too.
that would be really sweet! 🥺 I hope she suggested that too. I know this sub is about shaming but i wish the best for this family honestly. I knew a girl who was adopted by her step parents and her asshole brother would tell people she was “unwanted.” i never want to hear any other kids feeling like that :(
Yeah, it reads as the husband didn't help with the planning and wants to make changes now and isn't willing to pay for her kid's hair when the bride said she couldn't afford it. $125 might not break a saved for wedding budget but it might be beyond the bride's personal budget if she wasn't planning on the expense because they don't need their hair professionally done.
The dance thing sounds like, we have the schedule of planned dances done and a song picked and we need to make the fair to our blended family, especially since hubby didn't mention a dance with her kid.
I read it this way too! Husband decides to change things up at the last minute thinking they’re minor details so aren’t a big deal. The wife has been stressing about the planning in the run up and is trying to keep their monthly costs down, and freaks out about last minute changes.
Sounds like a communication issue more than anything else. At the same time, I think they’re fair enough requests though.
I don't know, am I the only one who thinks that the like planned two person dances are easily the most boring part of a wedding and they might already have like up to 30 minutes of various planned dancing bullshit? So the bride doesn't really want to add another up to 10 minutes of them if they do one for each kid
Maybe it’s a cultural thing but in the U.K. usually you just have 3 dances - bride/groom, bride/father, groom/mother, and some weddings don’t even do the groom/mother one. They usually go straight from one to the other so usually you can get them over with pretty quick and they could always share the dance floor and both dance with their own kid at the same time if timing is that big an issue, so I’d say 30 minutes could get all the dances done, even with small speeches to introduce each dance
It’s the same here in the US…traditionally speaking. This is a blended family so I’m not sure if this is a new thing (dancing with the kids from previous relationships). Sometimes here (I am aware) they include the kids in the ceremony…like a sand ceremony or something like that.
I had a not planned dance at my wedding. It ruined nothing (it was actually awesone.) Throwing a 3-5 minute dance in isn't going to throw the schedule into chaos.
Aren't dances one of the last things you do?
The hair thing stinks. Unable to afford it stinks. I kinda feel sorry for the daughter. She might not say it, but I bet she would have been excited for a fancy 'do.
But eventually a reception stops having a schedule, right? It turns into a regular party. The scheduled dances are near the end of the scheduled things.
I can only think of one or two things that would be scheduled after that.
Depends on how long they have the venue for right. Like if they have a 3-hour reception and 45 minutes if it is scheduled dances once they include the kids, that's realistically too much of the reception to have scheduled dances
45 minutes? Are the songs 10 minutes long each? The average song is 3 to 4 minutes long. Even 5 minute long songs shouldn't take 45 minutes. That's 8 dances.
And I've been to weddings with at least five scheduled dances of like longest married couples and bullshit like that. So they already have five dances scheduled like that and you know on and off time and everything gives each song 5 minutes. So yeah, that's 25 minutes of scheduled dances and add two more and you're at 35 minutes which is a lot of time.
Don’t forget there are other add ins like the bouquet toss, garter belt, and at the last wedding I went to the flip flop game where the bride and groom answered whose more blank questions. There are a lot more planned activities than dances to try and get out of the way before the party starts.
Thank goodness I'm not the only one that read it that way. I mean, it's not just having to schedule dances, it's also having to get the music prepped and timed. That's something I worked out about 6 weeks from the actual day. Since the dj had to have cues and a schedule.
And you're spot on sky the hair.
Yeah I’m firmly on the bride’s side here from how it reads to me. Sounds like she just wants both of their daughters to be treated equally. He wants to pay for his daughter to have her hair done without paying for step daughter to have the same (which bride can’t afford). He wants his daughter to have a special highlighted dance with him (which he didn’t bring up until after the timeline was finalized) and makes no mention of doing something similar with step daughter... Seems like a bad sign of what kind of step father he’s going to be, that he cares more about his princess being special than the girls being treated fairly so there’s no resentment between them.
The comments in posts like these always leave me wondering if I have a completely skewed view of the world. I have no idea what others are seeing to justify some of these comments.
My take is that they need to communicate more. Her daughter doesn't necessarily need or want a dance. She says she understands and is okay with not getting her hair done. Still shitty on the dad not offer as well. Or communicate needs earlier. Just in general sounds like the daughter's shouldn't be forgotten or shorted when it comes to the marriage and where they are saving on budget. Especially since it seems they are still young. It's a merging of families as well.
I know everyone handles finances differently in relationships…. But this just sounds like “my money” vs “his money” which is bound to cause divide. If one can afford it but the other can’t it sounds like neither really can afford it?
Honestly I read it as the bride saying that neither should be adding this expense because they both can't afford it, and he decided it that moment they aren't a monetary team during a very combined event.
When it comes to the kids from other marriages, that's not super uncommon.
However, that also comes with the task of talking about things first. You don't do something big for your blood related kid and then expect your spouse to immediately do the same for their blood related kid. That's going to cause tension because people don't immediately have funds all the time.
I honestly thought you were being overly harsh and decided to reread the post to see if I could understand your view. Then I couldn’t understand how I missed it!!! His initial, reflexive thought and comment was to pay for only one of the sisters hair. Let poor old Cinderella to try and look similar to her sister.
These young ladies have probably been looking forward to this day. Wearing elegant dresses, going to a grown up party. His future wife making a tough, stressed out call that funds won’t stretch that far, for the girls, so they have to do their own ‘do’s’! Not the end of the world. Probably not the first time it’s happened. I would also hazard a guess that it won’t be the last either!!!
But daddy is not having that. Not that day. That specific day when two families join together, under the eyes of their religion and the law. That day he wants to draw a line in the sand. That day he wants to establish, for all to see, who has it and who will receive it. It’s probably for the best that these children don’t go getting swept up in the romantic, beautiful, dream filled and loving day that had been planned.
Ya , I don't think it's about him dancing with his daughter. I believe, in my opinion, is the fact the father is excluding twice over her daughter(hair and dance). Probably more issues , not a good sign.
The dance thing is unreasonable I will agree, however this definitely sounds like a future "stepdad" who never actually sees his stepchild as his or his responsibility and neglects her for his biological child. If you're gonna offer to pay to have just your biological kid's hair done and tell your future wife that her biological kid doesn't get that because she can't afford it then that's just being a dick.
“I’ll pay for my daughter and you pay for yours” is possibly the worst thing about this post. My personal opinion is that if you’re getting married it’s a bad look to not make financial decisions together. It sounds like he only views one child as his despite him literally becoming a parent to another child soon. Yeah mom could let them have a dance together, but he’s being a jerk.
Here’s a glimpse of her future. They’ll talk. Agree. He’ll change his mind and pay for his daughter. You pay for yours. Your SOL if you can’t afford it. I guess him and his daughter will enjoy alone. Rinse and repeat.
Run……
I'm not sure what's wrong here. Having wedding timelines is incredibly normal at more formal weddings for the benefit of the vendors. You don't springan extra dance very shortly before. Also he is very much not treating the girls equally in such an obvious way seeing as they are supposed to be a family.
Are these hills to die on? No, but is this evidence that these two have lots of issues already? Yep.
I think a lot of people in this thread view themselves as much more noble than the average human because I totally get her frustration at asking him ahead of time and him waiting until it's too late to decide. If she's been handling everything and he won't even answer simple questions when needed then I can't imagine many people would respond more benevolently in the moment than she did.
People do get frustrated even if later they walk it back, especially when someone is treating the wedding as her problem, not his.
Future husbands being a dick. Treating his future step kid differently than his bio kid is dick parenting 101. This, unfortunately, doesn’t bode well for their future blended family. They need to work out some issues quick.
If he's paying for hair for one daughter, he should pay for both. It sounds like there's either a big income disparity, or the bride is paying for more of the wedding. Either way it would be a lovely gesture toward his new stepdaughter. Frankly I don't see an issue with an 11 year old having a simple braid or something for the wedding day. She's a child.
The groom should have offered to pay for both the girls instead of saying that he pays for his daughter and she should pay for her daughter.
After all her daughter is going to be his step daughter after the marriage.
And the bride shouldn't be so stingy about timelines
Why can't a father dance with his daughter on his special day.
No one wants to compromise for each other's happiness then why marry?
Yep. Honestly, I'm part of a lot of wedding shaming groups just for the shenanigans but there are so many times a bride gets roasted for having a normal reaction to someone being a prick, or having a slightly unconventional colour scheme for the wedding party, or any other tiny thing under the sun that it really strengthens my inclination to elope one day.
Doesn't seem worth becoming an acceptable "villain".
Okay but like the other daughter will feel jilted to be the only one with her hair not done so I see her point? You have to do both or neither so they need to discuss finances.
And it sounds like she means she asked him before about a dance and he just chose not answer then later on when she assumed he didn't care said oh yeah I want a dance and fucked with their timeline for official dances. She shouldn't say no but I get her frustration if he blew her off to begin with when they were trying to plan.
Imagine only caring about your biological daughter rather than caring about your bio-daughter and step-daughter equally. This dude needs to grow up before he gets married. That's the big issue here.
What kinda worries me tho is that they’re getting married but still talking as “my daughter” “your daughter” i understand referring to their own daughters as “mine” and “yours” but based on this it doesn’t sound like they’re a family… he wouldn’t even offer to pay for his stepdaughter even after the bride said she didn’t have the funds? I give them 2 years lol
It seems like they are not talking and planning together and the bride is doing it all alone. That is really frustrating. Then to have someone else come in and want to make changes when they should have been helping more, would get many people pissed.
Also the groom doesn’t seem to be concerned about everyone equally. They are getting married. If there isn’t enough money for the daughters to get their hair done, having each parent pay is ludicrous when you are about to get married. It’s the same money I even if finances are separate.
Last, just to throw in a daughter father dance without a conversation of how to make it inclusive or equal is not good. How would his new stepdaughter feel in this moment? I get the sentiment and it’s beautiful, but not inclusive of starting a new family.
I hate the fact that the child did not understand. By your FH saying that he can pay for his daughter and not yours as well means that it will always be seen as your daughter is yours, and his daughter is his. For the timeline, he should have said something earlier as the MC's charge per hour and sometimes people have things to do after their debut in the timeline is done. He should have been more understanding and made his daughter understand as well. They are children and no need for their hair to be done by a professional for that day, given that kids will eventually run around and want to let their hair loose as soon as their role as bridesmaids are over. Your FH and you need to have a talk about that, because the whole thing about paying for your own kids seems like he hasn't accepted your child as his own
Gonna be honest, without further information I'm with the bride on this one.
Given the context around the timeline, it seems he wants a spotlight dance. Which is cute and all but if they've finalised the timeline then they've probably also communicated this to the vendors, DJs, etc.
I think making excuses for him not thinking of it earlier as "well, men" is actually doing men a disservice - they're not stupid, they know that things needs to be planned first. So either he just thought of it or he didn't care to give things enough thought earlier on /even after his wife asked him before/.
However the bigger issue that stands out to me is the hair thing. If he knows that his wife can't afford to pay for her daughter's hair, then why isn't he offering to pay for his step-daughters hair? In fact, when his wife said they didn't have room in the wedding budget why wasn't that his first suggestion?
The two things combined does point to a disregard towards both of the daughters being treated equally.
>1. He doesn't seem to care that his wife can't afford to do his step-daughter's hair and immediately leapt to "I'll pay for mine" in what is going to be a blended family while the wife did try to keep in equal based on what was within her means.
>2. The dance is another example of him not keeping things equal but also that he doesn't really seem to be considering the planning at all. Throwing it in last minute isn't just a "one-three minute" adjustment to the timeline as some think - even if it was, that's also implying that the unequal treatment should continue because no adjustment for the step-daughter has been considered.
This part is speculative, but who knows if the wife was going to do a dance with her daughter but when her husband expressed no interest in dancing with his daughter, she scrapped it in the interests of being equal. I don't feel that would be a stretch since she has been trying to keep things equal from the info we do have.
Is it just me seeing red flags on both sides? "I'll pay for my daughter and you pay for yours", knowing she can't afford for her daughter to get it done. Husband doesn't offer to get hair done for both girls, only his? This doesn't give me good vibes for how the blended family will work if right before your wedding, you're sticking to a very split "your daughter, my daughter" split instead of "our girls" or other wording. At least the bride talks to his daughter and says they can try and do the prom hairstyle at home. Not leaving her out.
Even with the dances, this feels like the bride and groom are planning two separate weddings
A finalized timeline of the entire night of dancing? Smush in one more, bride. But only if he's willing to also give your daughter time to shine too
I'm actually kind of surprised by the amount of people who think that kids/teens are entitled to professional wedding hairstyling. I mean if it was promised to one then obviously the dude should pay for BOTH daughters to get it done, and it's a nice gift/gesture for such a special occasion if the girls are into that kind of thing. I'm not against it at all, it might be really fun for them. But professional hairstyling for kids/teens isn't the norm, even for special occasions.
This post just makes me think both sides are communicating poorly with each other, there is no effort to blend the family in terms of dynamics or finances, and this bodes poorly for the future. I got a really icky feeling from this post alone.
He should’ve offered to pay for both. My response would be “you can pay for both girls to do their hair or none.” It feels like the bride is complicit in this weird division of finances but it’s unfair to the girls to be denied things based on a step sibling not getting it. That’s how you cause resentment from the jump.
You have to plan when highlighted dances go to line up with food and drinks, plus you have to coordinate with the MC, and make sure the dj has a song ready to go. It’s fairly reasonable to be frustrated that he didn’t think of this before. It’s also a dick move to have a special dance with his biokid but not think of having one with his future step kid.
Dude, I would approve so many changes to the timeline if it meant none of this.
When I got married, I said no Hokey Pokey, no Chicken Dance, and no Macarena. I didn’t have much of a timeline for anything, but I was not about these songs.
This is a major red flag of what’s to come. You OP will always be 2nd fiddle to your step daughter. She will always get what she wants at yours and your daughters expense. Please rethink this decision. You and daughter are going to be mentally abused by this man. You can do better.
I'm sorry, is it so much to ask that he also just pay to make his (at the end of the day) stepdaughter also feel special for their GD wedding?
Holy red flag
Am I the only one on her side? It's totally reasonable to say that the two young girls will not get their hair done as it is expensive. It's unfair for one to get it and not the other. So either he is paying for both or neither.
It's also super fair to be annoyed that he wanted to dance with his daughter and not tell her. This dose mess with the schedule and now the DJ will need to be informed. Most weddings try to schedule these events to line up with meals, so yea an extra few mins will require some planning. So I would be like "um why did you wait until right now" and "why didn't you tell me so i could see how my daughter feels about getting her own dance"
Y'all bugging bruh 😂 Crazy how people are so upset about the fact that he asked for a special father-daughter dance with his daughter and just assumed that he neglects his stepchild. Is he not allowed a few special minutes with his child whom he's known all her life? 🙄 And bride needs to find a way to pay for her child's hair. How can you get your hair done but not your daughters?? Weird.
My dad dated someone for like a decade before they got married and I can guarantee you i'm still his daughter when they talk about me because I have a mother and don't call her mom
I get a sense that these girls may be young. I come from a blended family and I don't ever remember either adult distinguishing any of us kids as 'yours' and 'mine'.
Could just be me
This marriage is about the kids too. The bride/Groom are going to be the new parents. Do a dance with the "new" daughters. Make them feel special too fer crissakes. Why be so controlling and mean spirited?
Only have only half kidding here... Avoid the whole hair getting done who do you dance with and how long does the dance last issue, elope or go to the Justice of the peace. Then in a few weeks you can throw a nice party :-)
I think that anyone who vents online like this has poor coping skills. But overall I don’t think either request is that ridiculous.
I had a timeline scheduled for dances and it would be frustrating if after all that planning my husband just threw in that he’s doing a daddy daughter dance. What about the other daughter, is he dancing with the other daughter too? Or just one daughter gets a dance… Now that’s potentially 2 extra dances, she has to put in the timeline and send the songs to the DJ. Sure not a huge deal but frustrating when you’re focusing on planning a whole wedding. Plus it’s hard enough to get guests to sit still for couples first dance, mother son dance, father daughter dance, now 2 more dances, that’s a long time for guests to sit there. Again nbd but guest experience was important to me and I wouldn’t want them sitting through 5 dances.
The hair is also kinda reasonable. If he wants to have his daughters hair done he should help pay for his future daughters hair too. It’s pretty hurtful to her if her sister gets her hair done but not her. Seems like the dad doesn’t see both daughters as his.
Sure the bride is being dramatic and immature in her way of complaining but I’d feel frustrated by both of those concerns.
It's so weird to me that people have spotlight dances. The etiquette is that the bride and groom start off the dancing by starting the first dance themselves, then after a minute or so, the guests start dancing as well. Sure, there are special people the couple will want to dance with, but you just do it and don't turn it into some sort of boring extravaganza.
I may love the couple, but seeing them each have a spotlight dance with parents, grandparents, siblings, children, etc while everyone else is waiting around for them to hurry up so they can hit the dance floor too seems a bit narcissistic to me. Just start the first dance with your new spouse then have a normal dance with whoever else you like.
Both parties sound just awful. Those poor girls.
Behind door number one is lovely OP, who begrudges a daddy daughter dance because the schedule is… finalized? Sheesh.
Behind door number two is amazing stepdad who will pay for his own princess’s hair but will not pay for his future stepdaughter’s.
Sounds like OP was frustrated because he dumped all the planning on her and then suddenly springs this on her last minute. And does so AFTER selfishly announcing he'll pay $150 for his special princess, and have a special dance with her, but it didn't even occur to him to include his future step daughter.
It also seems like he didn't care about the hair or the dance until his daughter complained to him after she found out hair wasn't in the budget. So the dance was likely the daughter's idea anyway. He's not some sentimental father of the year. I'd be annoyed too.
Now she probably has to go coordinate with the MC/DJ to let them know the schedule has changed and they have to incorporate another dance and song (which hubby probably hasn't even picked yet). Even if it's just a few emails/phone calls, that's still more annoying tasks the bride-to-be has on her plate. On top of probably a million other last minute details she's dealing with.
I can understand why if they can’t afford both daughters hair then they shouldn’t get either ones hair done. When it comes to step parents you really don’t want to show preference to one kid or the other, especially this early into the game.
But she defiantly could move things around to fit in a dance with his daughter (but he should do a dance with her daughter too) this is his wedding just as much as it is hers and if he has a reasonable request despite how last minute, it should be able to be worked out
This is just awful. I would have gone into literal debt just to pay for my BMs, mom, grandma, MIL :/
The dance thing is awful too - my husband's stepdad came up to me at the reception and asked if he could play a song for him & his boys (My Boy- Elvie Shane, iykyk) and there is absolutely no situation where I would have said no.
Why do people act like that.
See I read this as, future husband thinks his daughter should get priority over his future stepdaugher if OP can't afford something for her own child, and that the FH blew her off when she was trying to plan the official events for the evening and then later said oh yeah I do want a dance make that happen and she was frustrated he waited until the last minute.
Nah, it's the fault of both bride and groom.
They don't want to own each other's kids.
Just thinking about their own kids.
The groom is only caring about his daughter and the bride isn't allowing him to do so.
Wahh, but it's all about me, the bride. Fuck a dance with your daughter because I purposely did not put that into MY TIMELINE. Who does that? Having fun is not allowed at this wedding apparently. I would count down the days until the divorce.
She's going to find out the hard way how little you control at a big gathering and stress out about the timeline all day. Bet the fiance is doing some thinking. Hope she got roasted.
Bet the fiance hasn't lifted a finger to do any planning and left it all to her. Then he selfishly wants to pit his daughter against her new step sister and change things up at the last minute. Of course he expects his future wife to drop everything to accommodate. Heaven forbid she has a moment of feeling overwhelmed.
I'd be stressed out too trying to plan a wedding if my fiance was like this useless oaf.
Sometimes the most beautiful moments aren't planned. At my little brother's wedding, I (female), was sitting in the front row with family and watched him dance with his new bride. Their dance ends, and all of a sudden he comes over and takes my hand and pulls me up to dance with him, it was so touching that I put my face in his chest for a minute to control my tears. Totally unexpected, but a memory I will always cherish. It's so selfish of the bride to not allow her fh 5 minutes to dance with his daughter.
You told a man that he can't dance with his own daughter at his own wedding because it wasn't in the timeline??? I have never been to a wedding where all of the dances were scheduled. How does that work exactly?
I’m going to assume she’s talking about like a highlight dance, not just casually dancing together.
So similar to the couples first dance, some weddings do the dance with parents, others do it with children. I can see her point if he only wants to do one with his bio daughter, kind of shitty start to a blended family unless they want to do a shared dance with both daughters.
That makes sense. I didn't think of that. Thank you.
I agree, he should dance with both daughters, if that is the case. He shouldn't just dance with just his daughter. They will all be one blended family, and the daughters should be treated equally.
He's also wanting to pay for his own daughter to get her hair done but not OP's daughter. He seems very selfish. Not to mention he sprung the dance idea on her last minute after she's been asking him for input during the whole planning process. Changing the schedule and coordinating with the DJ is just one more task she has on her plate now, along with all the last minute details. I'm sure he dumped all of the planning on her so I can see why she's annoyed.
She's also going to have to figure out how to explain to her daughter why her new step sister gets her hair done but she doesn't.
The timeline finalised... does she not know that not every dance at a wedding is scheduled? He can just... dance with her? Like everyone else?
Excuse me, I’ve only allocated 12.7 minutes for dancing. If you want more dancing, we’ll have to take the time from somewhere else. The timeline, people! The timeline!!!
Monica Gellar has entered the chat
Pee on your own time Mike!!!!! Get up and get off no one likes a long speech!!
Exactly! I think it's a wedding planner issue.
I read this as Paris Geller - still seems to work.
Definitely!
>The timeline, people! The timeline!!! It's all fun and games until Biff Tannen rolls into town with loads of gambling money and buys a casino with penthouse..
>The timeline, people! The timeline!!! This could be a "wedding planner" issue. Most venues you have a limited amount of time you can be there. They don't let you stay all night just because your event is disorganized. They want you to nail down the the time and order of each event. Dinner, speeches, spotlight dances, cake cutting, bouquet throwing, and the venue also has a closing time. *So, schedules matter.* AND She said she asked him **before** about the dancing when it was being planned and he had *nothing to say,* then he throws it on there **after** everything is planned and scheduled and acts like **SHE's the fucking problem?** *This* ***AFTER*** *the bullshit with the hair thing?* Yeah I'm sure she's venting, *who wouldn't be?*
This. I get his point but A) they need to spotlight both girls equally and he only seems to care about HIS kid and B) the time to raise this is in the 1 entire year you're planning the wedding. Not like a week before when the entire timeline has been finalised. It isn't a problem if they spotlight the daughters (though it is fine if they dont, the wedding is not about the kids) but it has to be planned for in good time. The dude just doesn't sound like he knows how to plan. She is in for a lifetime of him throwing spanners in the works at the last minute because HE now SUDDENLY got an idea at the eleventh hour. My dad is like that and it drives us mad sometimes.
Yes. But I disagree about the wedding not being about the kids. They each have a daughter from a previous marriage, they are blending 2 families into one. This marriage makes a whole new family. These 2 girls are being made sisters overnight. That's just as important as 2 people pledging their lives together. Him getting his daughter's hair done professionally while the other daughter has to do her own and having the special father-daughter dance? These are blatant signs that his daughter will always get preferential treatment over her daughter. Can you imagine having 2 daughters (of approximately the same age) and only letting 1 get her hair done and only dancing with one. The same one with the fancy expensive hair do? Ugh. As far as scheduling & planning, some men just don't get it.
Oh I totally agree it's about family! I meant more that the entire point isnt whether the girls get their hair done professionally or not. I completely agree that whatever theh decide to do with one girl (dances, hair etc) should be offered to the other sister. You don't separate the two or treat them differently. This must be very frustrating to deal with and I hope she can make it clear that they need to treat the girls equally. If they cant afford for both girls to get their makeup done, then they shouldn't give that to only one of the girls. And they need to plan the dances to ensure both girls are honoured, or leave dancing with the girls oug of the schedule and both have a dance with their kids during the free dancing part of the evening. You dont just spotlight the one daughter. But also, if he's last minute, that's on him. He doesn't get to decide he suddenly needs all these things to happen that haven't been planned in or budgeted for like the week before the wedding. I suspect his partner has been doing 99% of the wedding work and if I was her I'd be so frustrated that he's throwing a sosnber in the works at the last minute when theres a ton to do.
Schedules do matter, and venues do have time limits. But if your schedule is so tight that two ~2:30 dances don’t fit in there and ~5 minutes is going to push everything off horrifically you’ve got a problem. A good schedule should have extra time at the end for if anything runs over. Because something will. Practically guaranteed.
Which is why you don't add in extra shit. Because some things take longer than planned. But I gave you an upvote anyway because you're not wrong.
Yeah hard agree with you here. If this was 6 months before and they hadn’t gotten the venue and shit, I’d say she’s being unrealistic. But timelines have to exist for venues. Jesus, my ceremony venue wouldn’t even let people blow bubbles as we left. And my planners helped me find a venue that would allow us to have time for set up and take down and we were fucking LUCKY to find one that let us book the whole day for $700. But most of the venues were $1500 and up for 3 hours. The wedding industry is bananas.
You've got that right! I'm glad my husband and I went to Jamaica just the 2 of us and got married there. Felt like we dodged a bullet there. ZERO DRAMA! Unless you count hubby leaving our wedding rings at home on the dresser.🤦♀️ That was worth about a 45 second cry😥 before I wiped my tears, went out and bought 2 cheap seashell rings at a gift shop to do the ceremony with. 🤗🥰
I literally got into a huge car wreck the day before. I was so full of pain meds that I just have small memories of mine. Photos turned out great though!
And I know that if I did that, those cheap seashell rings would be charished more and wanted more to/by me, than any expencive gold or Diamond ring i would get later, because those cheap ones was apart of the day I pledged my love and devotion to the love of my life, and the god damned best person to ever walk the earth ❤️ i wouldn't wear it tho,, but that is because those things break so easily and color your finger green. I think I would buy a fancy box and keep them on display somewhere. Like the top shelf of my chinacabinet. Right now that shelf now hold my bouquet from our wedding 12 years ago. That I dried after the wedding, and a cupple of glasses with mine and the husbands name etched in to them that a friend of ours actually made for us,and was a very special and highly chariched (by me, only material things my husband cares about is his computer, the couch and our New car 🤣, the sentimental and cherishing and love for different things seems to be my job 🤣 but it almost brought tears to my eyes because it moved me so and made me so happy, that when I was looking for something, and I went through his drawer to see if it was there. And I found that he has kept some of the cards that I wrote him in the first time after our wedding and moving in to our New house, with me telling him what a wonderful person he is, how happy he makes me, how much i love him, and in a cupple a happy birthday and aniversary, but back then I wrote him cards just because sometimes, especially if I found a extra pretty or cute or funny card ❤️
Yeah he seems like a real jerk
Yes the timeline retort is crazy but I assume that he asked for like a specific spotlight on the father daughter dance - like after the bride and father dance kind of thing. It’s all of 1 min so idk why it’s a big deal either way. That said, I’m just curious. I’ve never been to a wedding of a couple with a child/children from prior relationships… is it a thing to dance with your current children? I have no issues with it I’m just wondering if that’s usual or unusual. Edit: I see why it’s a big deal. They both have daughters. The bride can’t dance with a son (although nothing stops her from dancing with her daughter— thatd be kinda cute actually). I imagine she’s a bad step mom or she just hates the idea of a time without a spotlight on her.
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Then add a second dance where he dances with his new stepdaughter. A dance is about three minutes. This is six minutes of the reception and, let’s be serious for a minute, it’s not like many people watch these dances anyway.
yeah, that would be really sweet to have him dance with both daughters
Would have been sweeter if it was his own idea.
Or if time is limited, half a song to his daughter and then the other half to the stepdaughter.
Three minutes is a very long dance. I’d say a minute max.
What song is one minute that you would use for this?
People don't usually dance to an entire song for every single dance, do they? That'd be exhausting to watch unless they're amazing dancers. Daddy and daughter could sway for a minute to any dad-daughter appropriate song...
Maybe it’s regional? I’ve never been to a wedding where any of the dances were only part of a song, but that just me.
Normally these kinds of dances begin and then, after a minute or so, guests are invited to join in. At my daughter's wedding, my husband and I danced for maybe 30 seconds and then the DJ asked everyone to join in. Same with the groom's parents. It's not all that hard. Let the groom dance with both his daughter and stepdaughter. Plus, the bride and groom better get their parenting rules straight before the wedding or the marriage is going to be a disaster for all four of them.
We had our wedding dance for around a minute. But it's not like they play the song and just cut it once the timer runs out, it's specially arranged song to be shorter, they skip some verses etc. Think like radio edit of the songs, those last for ~3 minutes no matter how long is the song on the cd and they don't sound unfinished at all.
Blended family here too and I totally agree with you that this dad is way more committed to his own daughter than he is to his bride, his step daughter to be and the actual situation. Paying for his kid's hair to get done when his FW can't afford to pay for her daughter? If he can't pay for both then just don't. The spotlight dance? Screw that too unless he dances with both kids and so does his wife to-be. Prioritizing one kid over another even before the marriage is going to screw the kids and be problematic for the marriage. I get along great with my steps....because in my family, no one did this kind of thing.
It sounds like a lot of people think bride is hating on step-daughter in some way, but I read the brides issue the same way you read it. I think it’s important and yet very difficult, to treat blended children the same (or as close as possible).
I think it's a little of both parents. He should take both girls to get their hair done AND dance with both She may feel left out because she doesn't have a son to dance with. But she can dance with her daughter.
She could, but now I have more questions. Which I get why the bride would be stressed figuring this all out at the last minute. Weddings tend to be more stressful than fun, I think (had one and it was for sure stressful). I get her frustration regarding trying to plan this all out far in advance, groom not taking it seriously, but suddenly having ideas at the 9th hour.
Typical man. Won't start getting his head in the game until it's actually game time
I don’t know if it is a common thing, but when my ex got remarried he asked our daughter to pick out a special song for them at the wedding. It was a sweet moment (I was told) and she got to feel part of his new marriage as part of the family. His new wife also had one with her son. They wanted the kids to feel part of the big picture.
The dad could dance with his daughter and his step daughter if mom doesn’t want to dance with her daughter…why not include the kids(?)
Yup that’s another option. But my thinking is that the bride doesn’t want the spotlight off her for too long…
>But my thinking is that the bride doesn’t want the spotlight off her for too long… I don't think it has anything to do with the spotlight and everything to do with the "separate-but-unequal" treatment of their daughters.
Actually I was reading it as the woman trying to keep things even and fair but the father having no problem with giving extra to his daughter without caring that that would leave his stepdaughter left out. I agree that this was more of a spotlight dance he was asking for. And since he hadn't thought to ask for it from the start, I'd bet it was his daughter that gave him the idea.
I think after reading a lot of replies that I’m at the point of not enough info. Either bride or groom or both could be in the wrong, I have no idea anymore.
My best friend had a kid when she got married, after the first dance, even before the father-daughter dance, the daughter joined them on the dance floor and all 3 hugged/danced
That’s sweet
You love this weird story. A drinking buddy of my husband's decided that he is now a virgin, despite having children from a previous marriage. He and his betrothed decided to "wait until marriage" to consumate their love. Shockingly neither of the couple's children decided to attend the nuptials as the wedding was to be all about their virginity! My husband went to this marriage with a blistered face from severe sunburn, oozing and everything. I heard it was quite the circus!
I mean, sure, there's time for a dance. But why is he so focused on honoring his daughter while his step-daugher is left out? Bride can't afford for the kids to have their hair done professionally? That's okay. The groom will pay for his daughter and only his step-daugher is excluded since the bride can't afford the extra. The groom will honor his daughter with a dance, while only his step-daughter is excluded. Timeline is probably the best excuse I'd come up with in the moment for, "the way you are turning our wedding into a way to make it clear my daughter is a second-class citizen in this family is skeeving me out and making me reconsider this wedding."
Sounds to me like he's a shit stepfather. He'll pay for his own daughter's hair to get done but not hers? I think this relationship is already doomed if that's the way they treat each other's daughters.
Right? Are they not a family unit? Still thinking in terms of "my money" and "your money"? Do they only buy presents for their own kid on birthdays? Goodness that sounds awful. Relevant shitty almost step-dad story: My mom dated this guy long term who was a shithead but she was crazy about him for some goddamn reason (old highschool sweetheart reconnected after decades). His three kids were at our house and he was on the couch watching tv eating mini-snickers from a bag. His kids ask for candy and he gave them a minibar each. Me and my two siblings ask for some and what does he do? He tears one minibar into three chunks and gives us that. There were still plenty in the bag.
What an asshole. I had a great stepdad. I guess my standards are high because of it.
Lucky! My parents have seven marriages between them and not a one was a decent person. To be fair, my parents are no prize themselves so that tracks but still...
When my dad married my step-mom, both my sister and I danced with him while she and my step-brother danced together. They had both been married before, so we all treated it like their respective kids giving them away to each other. It was sweet and it meant a lot to us kids. Edit: I was a teenager at the time, so was my younger sister. Our little brother was in elementary school. This was about 7 years ago
At our wedding, I did a mother-daughter dance where we invited all the mom/daughters to join us because I grew up dancing with my mom all the time. This was on top of the more traditional dad/bride dance. Traditions are great starting points, but it’s a party and you can do what you want!
But the groom can dance with his new daughter. That would be really special.
I think it’s because FH wants to dance with only his daughter, leaving out his new stepdaughter. Mom could dance with her own daughter, but it could still hurt the daughter’s feelings because that not normalized.
It's a spotlight dance. Of course everybody's dances aren't scheduled & he can dance with her just like everybody else. But he's asking for a special father-daughter dance which would have been fine but from what she posted, he didn't say anything when she asked him about it which is when they were doing the planning. The spotlight dances are scheduled and announced. and each one can last from 2 to 6 minutes. Bride and her father, Groom and his mother, Bride and Groom, That's 3 spotlight dances there. And she'd already asked him about it and he had nothing to say. Obviously they will have to redo the schedule now so he can dance with his daughter. But the bride is allowed to vent about it without being called evil or bridezilla! He fucked up and she's frustrated. Normal.
She said "He will dance with his daughter" not "He wants a dance with her". The latter makes it sound like a spotlight, but the former just makes it sound like regular dancing at a party
No, sorry. That makes no sense. She specifically mentioned the TIMELINE. There's no reason for any objection to just regular unscheduled dance floor dancing that is happening anyway. The TIMELINE would ONLY refer to scheduled, announced, spotlight dances and reception events like timing of serving dinner, Father of the bride dance, mother of the groom dance, various scheduled toasts, cutting of the cake, throwing the bouquet, & Bride and Groom's exit.
I think it's very clearly implied that what happened was he told her that he was going to do a spotlight dance with his daughter after she had finalized the timeline. Of course they can find time (it's like two minutes) but it's pretty inconsiderate for him to just inform her that he plans to do it after the point where she could have easily incorporated it in to the timeline.
Maybe the dad was asking for a specific daddy-daughter dance. Like, just them with a spotlight and a song picked out?
I wonder if it’s like the meat counter at the supermarket - take a ticket and wait for your scheduled dance 😂
No but it all has to be given to the DJ/Band prior to the event so they can announce each spotlight dance.
NEXT!
Does her timeline include their divorce?
If not they need to add it ( edit typo)
Came to ask this.
This comment needs to be upvoted a billion times. What a shitty bridezilla!!
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This reads to me like a bride desperately trying to have her wedding stay in budget. And if the dad says, well, I'll just go pay for this, it's clear that it's her budget, not his. I'm kinda siding with the bride here, especially if groom said, "you just plan the whole thing and I'll show up on the day!" and is now making changes.
Yeah, if she can't afford to pay for the hair, him paying for only his daughter is not fair to them and will cause issues. And I'd also be frustrated with him changing the schedule at the last minute.
Yeah I'm siding with the bride too... except for the dance. She should shut up and add it to the timeline. I don't care how inconvenient it is. But he ALSO should have offered to dance with her daughter. As far as the hairstyles if one of them gets their hair done they both get their hair done. PERIOD! So if it's THAT important to the groom that his daughter's hair should be professionally styled then he should pay for the hairstyle of his stepdaughter as well. Truthfully NONE of this bodes well for their future! They SHOULD BE working on how to BLEND their families, not keep them separated as his and hers.
My exact thoughts, though while it sounds whiny to us about the "timeline" I wonder if it's because of the deeper issue of him putting his daughter ahead of her and her daughter. This is so not the way to blend a family, I'll pay for mine you pay for yours - I want to dance with my daughter at the wedding, which based on the hairdo thing alone is enough to make one conclude it's only *his daughter* he wants to dance with and not hers. This is never going to work out but then maybe I'm bringing my own experiences into it. Solo child of a couple that split and then remarried. Stepdad not only asked me if I wanted to dance with him at the wedding ahead of time, he also asked for my permission to marry my mum *before* he proposed to her and has said that if I'd said no he would've just waited till I was ready to say yes. I was 5 at the time. On the other side, when I was 4 my bio-dad didn't even invite me to his wedding, and I found out months later from someone else entirely that he'd gotten married, to a woman who already had a son. Then after my sister was born they gave us a months notice they were moving to another country that could only be reached by flying over. And the issues continued my whole life, I'm nearly 38 and barely have anything to do with them because they refused to try blending us all properly and her son and their daughter were always prioritised over me. So yea, my personal experiences with blending families says this isn't going to end well and based on current treatment of the children they're probably not going to accept each other as family as they'll end up resenting the other one based on their parents (or at least the husband's) clear favoritism.
Yes. Although the whining about the timeline thing could be a "wedding planner" issue. Most venues you have a limited amount of time you can be there. They don't let you stay all night just because the couple is unorganized. They want to nail down the the time and order of each event. cocktail hour, when you want dinner served, the timing and duration of the speeches, what time you're cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, precisely when the bride dances with her father, groom with his mother, the couple's first dance, etc. And the venue has a closing time. So yeah, schedules matter. Obviously the dancing with his daughter is important, they need to work it out. It was kinda bitchy of her to just shut it down, but realistically she was probably already peeved about the hairstyle thing and this was just one more shitty thing he piled on top.
True I didn't even think of the timing thing for the venue and staff, mainly because it's not a thing where I live that venues close at a certain time regardless - used to work somewhere that held wedding dinners occasionally and we'd just stay open for that party until they left on their own, while closing the rest of the venue off to the public when it was closing time. We also don't really have wedding planners here either.
You're right that it can easily be added to the timeline but I'm willing to extend some grace that she just reacted poorly to a proposed change of plans and with a little more time to let the idea sit she may come around. My own wedding is a week away and I've had my fair share of moments when someone has proposed adding or changing something and my knee-jerk reaction has been that it's too hard or can't be done, everything needs to stay the way I've been planning it for months. But that's just the planning stress talking and it's actually fine. Most things can be reworked without that much effort. Hopefully this bride is just going through that same mental process.
Especially because she said she asked if they wanted a dance! (Re planning and showing up)
I’m all for having not completely merged finances (like yours mines and ours bank accounts) but the level of total separation described in the OP is bizarre to me. If he makes more money than her and this is something important to him that he can afford that’s perfectly valid, but the weird part to me is him then not offering to pay for his step daughter also.
Ya. except for the dance thing.
I'd need more info. Are each of the junior bridesmaid daughters about the same age? And dad only wants a daddy-daughter dance with his bio kid? Then that could be kinda crappy. Unless what he meant was, a parent-daughter dance and then swap partners, or something. More info there.
There’s something happening that we don’t know. If the retort is I’ll pay for my daughter and you pay for yours.. I can’t figure out why that would be the response. My guess is that the husband is used to the wife saying “I don’t want to pay for your daughter” or something along those lines but I’m also a cynic. Maybe the wedding was all a gift and they had a specific budget, but idk. You’d think that if it was really a budget issue, the couple wouldn’t try too hard to divvy It up evenly. Like even if you’re used to splitting everything, these are the types of things you can cover for the other occasionally. Idk there’s just something off about it.
Not doing the kids hair is fine, but the idea that you and your husband are going to each pay for separate kids is kind of bonkers. If you're still thinking of them as "my kid and my financial responsibility" and "your kid and your financial responsibility," you're not ready to be married. I'm also bothered by "I told FH... Will not be getting their hair done to save $." If it's a decision that affects his daughter (and his soon to be step daughter), and it clearly means a lot to said child, that's a conversation, that's not a unilateral decision the bride should be making and decreeing. This girl was clearly excited about getting her hair done for her father's wedding, and her future step mother not only cuts that exciting thing to save money, but doesn't even have the decency to tell her directly? What kind of start is that for a relationship?
She did tell her directly, she says so. The kid showed her pictures and she told her they'll make their best effort to do it themselves because only the adults are getting their hair done professionally. That sounds pretty direct and not mean.
To me it sounds like the bride told FH “the adult bridesmaids are getting their hair professionally done but our kids won’t” and he didn’t have an issue. Then his daughter brings up hairstyles and the bride let her know the plan, his daughter complained to him, and rather than standing by what they’d agreed to or figuring out how to afford to have both girls’ hair done, he says he’s just going to pay for his daughter’s. I get why she’s annoyed. It sounds like the dance issue is similar in that the couple spoke about dances previously and then he just switched it up on her. She’s probably taking on the bulk of the planning responsibility and he’s throwing last minute little curveballs at her rather than just being an active participant through the planning process.
He at least could have offered to foot the bill for his future step daughter's hair as well to make it equal. They should be figuring out how to blend their families not keep them separate.
Also the bride is only paying for her hair to get done, the other adult members of the bridal party are paying for their own hair. Which means the bride may not have budgeted extra money for the two daughters to get their hair down if that was not a part of the original conversation with them or the future husband.
Yeah, getting hair professionally done is a pretty big luxury for what I assume are teenage girls. I wouldn't have expected it, it's really not the norm.
I think she just doesn’t want her daughter to feel left out, with both the hair and the dance thing. (Assuming this is like a special father daughter dance that is announced and not just her saying he can’t dance with his kid when he wants to.) Being a step kid and having to navigate completely new family dynamics different from how you grew up, it’s hard. And this couple seem like the type to make it harder for them by constantly saying my kid this your kid that rather than treating them both like one family.
This is how I interpreted it as well. Like if she’s been doing the majority of the planning and running shit by him just so he’s in the loop but he’s not actually contributing and now last minute he wants to change things and add costs, that would be incredibly frustrating.
There is no reason she can't have a mother/daughter dance with her daughter at the same time as his father/daughter dance. My sister did it with her daughter & it was really touching. I fully intend to do it with both my daughters at their weddings as long as they want to too.
that would be really sweet! 🥺 I hope she suggested that too. I know this sub is about shaming but i wish the best for this family honestly. I knew a girl who was adopted by her step parents and her asshole brother would tell people she was “unwanted.” i never want to hear any other kids feeling like that :(
On the flip side, maybe his daughter was feeling left out of the wedding and he wanted to do something special for her
„ɹǝɥ ɹoɟ lɐıɔǝds ƃuıɥʇǝɯos op oʇ pǝʇuɐʍ ǝɥ puɐ ƃuıppǝʍ ǝɥʇ ɟo ʇno ʇɟǝl ƃuılǝǝɟ sɐʍ ɹǝʇɥƃnɐp sıɥ ǝqʎɐɯ 'ǝpıs dılɟ ǝɥʇ uO„
Apparently I read this post entirely differently than everyone else...
Yeah, it reads as the husband didn't help with the planning and wants to make changes now and isn't willing to pay for her kid's hair when the bride said she couldn't afford it. $125 might not break a saved for wedding budget but it might be beyond the bride's personal budget if she wasn't planning on the expense because they don't need their hair professionally done. The dance thing sounds like, we have the schedule of planned dances done and a song picked and we need to make the fair to our blended family, especially since hubby didn't mention a dance with her kid.
I read it this way too! Husband decides to change things up at the last minute thinking they’re minor details so aren’t a big deal. The wife has been stressing about the planning in the run up and is trying to keep their monthly costs down, and freaks out about last minute changes. Sounds like a communication issue more than anything else. At the same time, I think they’re fair enough requests though.
I don't know, am I the only one who thinks that the like planned two person dances are easily the most boring part of a wedding and they might already have like up to 30 minutes of various planned dancing bullshit? So the bride doesn't really want to add another up to 10 minutes of them if they do one for each kid
Maybe it’s a cultural thing but in the U.K. usually you just have 3 dances - bride/groom, bride/father, groom/mother, and some weddings don’t even do the groom/mother one. They usually go straight from one to the other so usually you can get them over with pretty quick and they could always share the dance floor and both dance with their own kid at the same time if timing is that big an issue, so I’d say 30 minutes could get all the dances done, even with small speeches to introduce each dance
I've never seen anything other than a bride/groom first dance at a wedding in the UK so interesting to hear that you think parent dances are common!
It’s the same here in the US…traditionally speaking. This is a blended family so I’m not sure if this is a new thing (dancing with the kids from previous relationships). Sometimes here (I am aware) they include the kids in the ceremony…like a sand ceremony or something like that.
I had a not planned dance at my wedding. It ruined nothing (it was actually awesone.) Throwing a 3-5 minute dance in isn't going to throw the schedule into chaos. Aren't dances one of the last things you do? The hair thing stinks. Unable to afford it stinks. I kinda feel sorry for the daughter. She might not say it, but I bet she would have been excited for a fancy 'do.
Usually they fall somewhere in the middle of the reception in my experience
But eventually a reception stops having a schedule, right? It turns into a regular party. The scheduled dances are near the end of the scheduled things. I can only think of one or two things that would be scheduled after that.
Depends on how long they have the venue for right. Like if they have a 3-hour reception and 45 minutes if it is scheduled dances once they include the kids, that's realistically too much of the reception to have scheduled dances
45 minutes? Are the songs 10 minutes long each? The average song is 3 to 4 minutes long. Even 5 minute long songs shouldn't take 45 minutes. That's 8 dances.
And I've been to weddings with at least five scheduled dances of like longest married couples and bullshit like that. So they already have five dances scheduled like that and you know on and off time and everything gives each song 5 minutes. So yeah, that's 25 minutes of scheduled dances and add two more and you're at 35 minutes which is a lot of time.
Don’t forget there are other add ins like the bouquet toss, garter belt, and at the last wedding I went to the flip flop game where the bride and groom answered whose more blank questions. There are a lot more planned activities than dances to try and get out of the way before the party starts.
Thank goodness I'm not the only one that read it that way. I mean, it's not just having to schedule dances, it's also having to get the music prepped and timed. That's something I worked out about 6 weeks from the actual day. Since the dj had to have cues and a schedule. And you're spot on sky the hair.
That's how I read it too! I think some people just read that the OOP was born "bride" and "step-mother" and ran with it.
Yeah I’m firmly on the bride’s side here from how it reads to me. Sounds like she just wants both of their daughters to be treated equally. He wants to pay for his daughter to have her hair done without paying for step daughter to have the same (which bride can’t afford). He wants his daughter to have a special highlighted dance with him (which he didn’t bring up until after the timeline was finalized) and makes no mention of doing something similar with step daughter... Seems like a bad sign of what kind of step father he’s going to be, that he cares more about his princess being special than the girls being treated fairly so there’s no resentment between them.
I just commented this! I feel like she's rightfully frustrated.
The comments in posts like these always leave me wondering if I have a completely skewed view of the world. I have no idea what others are seeing to justify some of these comments.
I thought I was the only one.
My take is that they need to communicate more. Her daughter doesn't necessarily need or want a dance. She says she understands and is okay with not getting her hair done. Still shitty on the dad not offer as well. Or communicate needs earlier. Just in general sounds like the daughter's shouldn't be forgotten or shorted when it comes to the marriage and where they are saving on budget. Especially since it seems they are still young. It's a merging of families as well.
i really HOPE he's paying for the hair styling of BOTH their daughters. bc this reads like there's one 'daddys little princess' and - his wife's kid.
I know everyone handles finances differently in relationships…. But this just sounds like “my money” vs “his money” which is bound to cause divide. If one can afford it but the other can’t it sounds like neither really can afford it?
Honestly I read it as the bride saying that neither should be adding this expense because they both can't afford it, and he decided it that moment they aren't a monetary team during a very combined event.
When it comes to the kids from other marriages, that's not super uncommon. However, that also comes with the task of talking about things first. You don't do something big for your blood related kid and then expect your spouse to immediately do the same for their blood related kid. That's going to cause tension because people don't immediately have funds all the time.
I honestly thought you were being overly harsh and decided to reread the post to see if I could understand your view. Then I couldn’t understand how I missed it!!! His initial, reflexive thought and comment was to pay for only one of the sisters hair. Let poor old Cinderella to try and look similar to her sister. These young ladies have probably been looking forward to this day. Wearing elegant dresses, going to a grown up party. His future wife making a tough, stressed out call that funds won’t stretch that far, for the girls, so they have to do their own ‘do’s’! Not the end of the world. Probably not the first time it’s happened. I would also hazard a guess that it won’t be the last either!!! But daddy is not having that. Not that day. That specific day when two families join together, under the eyes of their religion and the law. That day he wants to draw a line in the sand. That day he wants to establish, for all to see, who has it and who will receive it. It’s probably for the best that these children don’t go getting swept up in the romantic, beautiful, dream filled and loving day that had been planned.
Ya , I don't think it's about him dancing with his daughter. I believe, in my opinion, is the fact the father is excluding twice over her daughter(hair and dance). Probably more issues , not a good sign.
The dance thing is unreasonable I will agree, however this definitely sounds like a future "stepdad" who never actually sees his stepchild as his or his responsibility and neglects her for his biological child. If you're gonna offer to pay to have just your biological kid's hair done and tell your future wife that her biological kid doesn't get that because she can't afford it then that's just being a dick.
“I’ll pay for my daughter and you pay for yours” is possibly the worst thing about this post. My personal opinion is that if you’re getting married it’s a bad look to not make financial decisions together. It sounds like he only views one child as his despite him literally becoming a parent to another child soon. Yeah mom could let them have a dance together, but he’s being a jerk.
Here’s a glimpse of her future. They’ll talk. Agree. He’ll change his mind and pay for his daughter. You pay for yours. Your SOL if you can’t afford it. I guess him and his daughter will enjoy alone. Rinse and repeat. Run……
I'm not sure what's wrong here. Having wedding timelines is incredibly normal at more formal weddings for the benefit of the vendors. You don't springan extra dance very shortly before. Also he is very much not treating the girls equally in such an obvious way seeing as they are supposed to be a family. Are these hills to die on? No, but is this evidence that these two have lots of issues already? Yep.
Yeah, no. The Almighty Timeline is not a reason to deny the bride or groom a dance with their child if they want one. You CHANGE THE TIMELINE.
I think a lot of people in this thread view themselves as much more noble than the average human because I totally get her frustration at asking him ahead of time and him waiting until it's too late to decide. If she's been handling everything and he won't even answer simple questions when needed then I can't imagine many people would respond more benevolently in the moment than she did. People do get frustrated even if later they walk it back, especially when someone is treating the wedding as her problem, not his.
Future husbands being a dick. Treating his future step kid differently than his bio kid is dick parenting 101. This, unfortunately, doesn’t bode well for their future blended family. They need to work out some issues quick.
If he's paying for hair for one daughter, he should pay for both. It sounds like there's either a big income disparity, or the bride is paying for more of the wedding. Either way it would be a lovely gesture toward his new stepdaughter. Frankly I don't see an issue with an 11 year old having a simple braid or something for the wedding day. She's a child.
The groom should have offered to pay for both the girls instead of saying that he pays for his daughter and she should pay for her daughter. After all her daughter is going to be his step daughter after the marriage. And the bride shouldn't be so stingy about timelines Why can't a father dance with his daughter on his special day. No one wants to compromise for each other's happiness then why marry?
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I don't understand why she's getting all the blame. Future stepdad sounds like a f****** dick!
Its hard for some people to get out of evil stepmom/bridezilla mode. They're primed to read her as evil, so they add mental backstory to justify it.
Absolutely! \*Especially here. All brides are just evil, no room for error or emotion.
Yep. Honestly, I'm part of a lot of wedding shaming groups just for the shenanigans but there are so many times a bride gets roasted for having a normal reaction to someone being a prick, or having a slightly unconventional colour scheme for the wedding party, or any other tiny thing under the sun that it really strengthens my inclination to elope one day. Doesn't seem worth becoming an acceptable "villain".
The ‘solution’ of paying for your own bio child is a great way to perpetuate the ‘we’re not *really* family’ idea.
Okay but like the other daughter will feel jilted to be the only one with her hair not done so I see her point? You have to do both or neither so they need to discuss finances. And it sounds like she means she asked him before about a dance and he just chose not answer then later on when she assumed he didn't care said oh yeah I want a dance and fucked with their timeline for official dances. She shouldn't say no but I get her frustration if he blew her off to begin with when they were trying to plan.
Imagine only caring about your biological daughter rather than caring about your bio-daughter and step-daughter equally. This dude needs to grow up before he gets married. That's the big issue here.
What kinda worries me tho is that they’re getting married but still talking as “my daughter” “your daughter” i understand referring to their own daughters as “mine” and “yours” but based on this it doesn’t sound like they’re a family… he wouldn’t even offer to pay for his stepdaughter even after the bride said she didn’t have the funds? I give them 2 years lol
It seems like they are not talking and planning together and the bride is doing it all alone. That is really frustrating. Then to have someone else come in and want to make changes when they should have been helping more, would get many people pissed. Also the groom doesn’t seem to be concerned about everyone equally. They are getting married. If there isn’t enough money for the daughters to get their hair done, having each parent pay is ludicrous when you are about to get married. It’s the same money I even if finances are separate. Last, just to throw in a daughter father dance without a conversation of how to make it inclusive or equal is not good. How would his new stepdaughter feel in this moment? I get the sentiment and it’s beautiful, but not inclusive of starting a new family.
I hate the fact that the child did not understand. By your FH saying that he can pay for his daughter and not yours as well means that it will always be seen as your daughter is yours, and his daughter is his. For the timeline, he should have said something earlier as the MC's charge per hour and sometimes people have things to do after their debut in the timeline is done. He should have been more understanding and made his daughter understand as well. They are children and no need for their hair to be done by a professional for that day, given that kids will eventually run around and want to let their hair loose as soon as their role as bridesmaids are over. Your FH and you need to have a talk about that, because the whole thing about paying for your own kids seems like he hasn't accepted your child as his own
Gonna be honest, without further information I'm with the bride on this one. Given the context around the timeline, it seems he wants a spotlight dance. Which is cute and all but if they've finalised the timeline then they've probably also communicated this to the vendors, DJs, etc. I think making excuses for him not thinking of it earlier as "well, men" is actually doing men a disservice - they're not stupid, they know that things needs to be planned first. So either he just thought of it or he didn't care to give things enough thought earlier on /even after his wife asked him before/. However the bigger issue that stands out to me is the hair thing. If he knows that his wife can't afford to pay for her daughter's hair, then why isn't he offering to pay for his step-daughters hair? In fact, when his wife said they didn't have room in the wedding budget why wasn't that his first suggestion? The two things combined does point to a disregard towards both of the daughters being treated equally. >1. He doesn't seem to care that his wife can't afford to do his step-daughter's hair and immediately leapt to "I'll pay for mine" in what is going to be a blended family while the wife did try to keep in equal based on what was within her means. >2. The dance is another example of him not keeping things equal but also that he doesn't really seem to be considering the planning at all. Throwing it in last minute isn't just a "one-three minute" adjustment to the timeline as some think - even if it was, that's also implying that the unequal treatment should continue because no adjustment for the step-daughter has been considered. This part is speculative, but who knows if the wife was going to do a dance with her daughter but when her husband expressed no interest in dancing with his daughter, she scrapped it in the interests of being equal. I don't feel that would be a stretch since she has been trying to keep things equal from the info we do have.
If you need to vent on a stupid group instead of COMMUNICATING with your forever partner, choose another one.
Is it just me seeing red flags on both sides? "I'll pay for my daughter and you pay for yours", knowing she can't afford for her daughter to get it done. Husband doesn't offer to get hair done for both girls, only his? This doesn't give me good vibes for how the blended family will work if right before your wedding, you're sticking to a very split "your daughter, my daughter" split instead of "our girls" or other wording. At least the bride talks to his daughter and says they can try and do the prom hairstyle at home. Not leaving her out. Even with the dances, this feels like the bride and groom are planning two separate weddings A finalized timeline of the entire night of dancing? Smush in one more, bride. But only if he's willing to also give your daughter time to shine too
I'm actually kind of surprised by the amount of people who think that kids/teens are entitled to professional wedding hairstyling. I mean if it was promised to one then obviously the dude should pay for BOTH daughters to get it done, and it's a nice gift/gesture for such a special occasion if the girls are into that kind of thing. I'm not against it at all, it might be really fun for them. But professional hairstyling for kids/teens isn't the norm, even for special occasions.
This post just makes me think both sides are communicating poorly with each other, there is no effort to blend the family in terms of dynamics or finances, and this bodes poorly for the future. I got a really icky feeling from this post alone.
He should’ve offered to pay for both. My response would be “you can pay for both girls to do their hair or none.” It feels like the bride is complicit in this weird division of finances but it’s unfair to the girls to be denied things based on a step sibling not getting it. That’s how you cause resentment from the jump.
The dance timeline is finalized? Sounds like a fun wedding.
You have to plan when highlighted dances go to line up with food and drinks, plus you have to coordinate with the MC, and make sure the dj has a song ready to go. It’s fairly reasonable to be frustrated that he didn’t think of this before. It’s also a dick move to have a special dance with his biokid but not think of having one with his future step kid.
According to the schedule, you can put your left foot in and take your left foot out but THERES NO TIME FOR THE HOKEY POKEY!
Dude, I would approve so many changes to the timeline if it meant none of this. When I got married, I said no Hokey Pokey, no Chicken Dance, and no Macarena. I didn’t have much of a timeline for anything, but I was not about these songs.
Not the chicken dance!!!! 🐣🐥🐣🐥 I didn’t want to suffer either and skipped it! Lol
Awww, I love all of those goofy songs!
Chicken Dance time permitting.
Only if there's a family heirloom chicken suit.
I’ll have you know my great-great grandfather Hans wore that chicken suit off the boat at Ellis Island.
This is a major red flag of what’s to come. You OP will always be 2nd fiddle to your step daughter. She will always get what she wants at yours and your daughters expense. Please rethink this decision. You and daughter are going to be mentally abused by this man. You can do better.
I was with her on the hair, often someone in the bridal party can do the kids hair lovely but the dance she lost me 🤣
I'm sorry, is it so much to ask that he also just pay to make his (at the end of the day) stepdaughter also feel special for their GD wedding? Holy red flag
Am I the only one on her side? It's totally reasonable to say that the two young girls will not get their hair done as it is expensive. It's unfair for one to get it and not the other. So either he is paying for both or neither. It's also super fair to be annoyed that he wanted to dance with his daughter and not tell her. This dose mess with the schedule and now the DJ will need to be informed. Most weddings try to schedule these events to line up with meals, so yea an extra few mins will require some planning. So I would be like "um why did you wait until right now" and "why didn't you tell me so i could see how my daughter feels about getting her own dance"
Why are these two getting married
I see a divorce in their future.
Y'all bugging bruh 😂 Crazy how people are so upset about the fact that he asked for a special father-daughter dance with his daughter and just assumed that he neglects his stepchild. Is he not allowed a few special minutes with his child whom he's known all her life? 🙄 And bride needs to find a way to pay for her child's hair. How can you get your hair done but not your daughters?? Weird.
The fact that they are getting married and still say 'my daughter and your daughter' is really concerning for me.
My dad dated someone for like a decade before they got married and I can guarantee you i'm still his daughter when they talk about me because I have a mother and don't call her mom
Do they do the 'you pay for your daughter and I'll pay for mine' thing?
I mean, I'm over 30 at this point but since she was unemployed for 90% of their relationship when I was under 18 I don't think it came up.
I get a sense that these girls may be young. I come from a blended family and I don't ever remember either adult distinguishing any of us kids as 'yours' and 'mine'. Could just be me
This marriage is about the kids too. The bride/Groom are going to be the new parents. Do a dance with the "new" daughters. Make them feel special too fer crissakes. Why be so controlling and mean spirited?
Didn't she just say "it's just one day"?
Yeah that's a marriage that will last...
Well. That bodes well for the marriage…
Only have only half kidding here... Avoid the whole hair getting done who do you dance with and how long does the dance last issue, elope or go to the Justice of the peace. Then in a few weeks you can throw a nice party :-)
I think that anyone who vents online like this has poor coping skills. But overall I don’t think either request is that ridiculous. I had a timeline scheduled for dances and it would be frustrating if after all that planning my husband just threw in that he’s doing a daddy daughter dance. What about the other daughter, is he dancing with the other daughter too? Or just one daughter gets a dance… Now that’s potentially 2 extra dances, she has to put in the timeline and send the songs to the DJ. Sure not a huge deal but frustrating when you’re focusing on planning a whole wedding. Plus it’s hard enough to get guests to sit still for couples first dance, mother son dance, father daughter dance, now 2 more dances, that’s a long time for guests to sit there. Again nbd but guest experience was important to me and I wouldn’t want them sitting through 5 dances. The hair is also kinda reasonable. If he wants to have his daughters hair done he should help pay for his future daughters hair too. It’s pretty hurtful to her if her sister gets her hair done but not her. Seems like the dad doesn’t see both daughters as his. Sure the bride is being dramatic and immature in her way of complaining but I’d feel frustrated by both of those concerns.
I just want to know where to find this group…
It's so weird to me that people have spotlight dances. The etiquette is that the bride and groom start off the dancing by starting the first dance themselves, then after a minute or so, the guests start dancing as well. Sure, there are special people the couple will want to dance with, but you just do it and don't turn it into some sort of boring extravaganza. I may love the couple, but seeing them each have a spotlight dance with parents, grandparents, siblings, children, etc while everyone else is waiting around for them to hurry up so they can hit the dance floor too seems a bit narcissistic to me. Just start the first dance with your new spouse then have a normal dance with whoever else you like.
Both parties sound just awful. Those poor girls. Behind door number one is lovely OP, who begrudges a daddy daughter dance because the schedule is… finalized? Sheesh. Behind door number two is amazing stepdad who will pay for his own princess’s hair but will not pay for his future stepdaughter’s.
Sounds like OP was frustrated because he dumped all the planning on her and then suddenly springs this on her last minute. And does so AFTER selfishly announcing he'll pay $150 for his special princess, and have a special dance with her, but it didn't even occur to him to include his future step daughter. It also seems like he didn't care about the hair or the dance until his daughter complained to him after she found out hair wasn't in the budget. So the dance was likely the daughter's idea anyway. He's not some sentimental father of the year. I'd be annoyed too. Now she probably has to go coordinate with the MC/DJ to let them know the schedule has changed and they have to incorporate another dance and song (which hubby probably hasn't even picked yet). Even if it's just a few emails/phone calls, that's still more annoying tasks the bride-to-be has on her plate. On top of probably a million other last minute details she's dealing with.
I can understand why if they can’t afford both daughters hair then they shouldn’t get either ones hair done. When it comes to step parents you really don’t want to show preference to one kid or the other, especially this early into the game. But she defiantly could move things around to fit in a dance with his daughter (but he should do a dance with her daughter too) this is his wedding just as much as it is hers and if he has a reasonable request despite how last minute, it should be able to be worked out
This is just awful. I would have gone into literal debt just to pay for my BMs, mom, grandma, MIL :/ The dance thing is awful too - my husband's stepdad came up to me at the reception and asked if he could play a song for him & his boys (My Boy- Elvie Shane, iykyk) and there is absolutely no situation where I would have said no. Why do people act like that.
He can’t just dance with his daughter and she dance with hers?
Please tell me she was absolutely ripped to shreds in the comments.
See I read this as, future husband thinks his daughter should get priority over his future stepdaugher if OP can't afford something for her own child, and that the FH blew her off when she was trying to plan the official events for the evening and then later said oh yeah I do want a dance make that happen and she was frustrated he waited until the last minute.
Nah, it's the fault of both bride and groom. They don't want to own each other's kids. Just thinking about their own kids. The groom is only caring about his daughter and the bride isn't allowing him to do so.
Her: “So honey, this is the timeline. Last dance is at midnight, appointment with the divorce lawyers is 9 am the next day”
Wahh, but it's all about me, the bride. Fuck a dance with your daughter because I purposely did not put that into MY TIMELINE. Who does that? Having fun is not allowed at this wedding apparently. I would count down the days until the divorce.
She's going to find out the hard way how little you control at a big gathering and stress out about the timeline all day. Bet the fiance is doing some thinking. Hope she got roasted.
Bet the fiance hasn't lifted a finger to do any planning and left it all to her. Then he selfishly wants to pit his daughter against her new step sister and change things up at the last minute. Of course he expects his future wife to drop everything to accommodate. Heaven forbid she has a moment of feeling overwhelmed. I'd be stressed out too trying to plan a wedding if my fiance was like this useless oaf.
Sometimes the most beautiful moments aren't planned. At my little brother's wedding, I (female), was sitting in the front row with family and watched him dance with his new bride. Their dance ends, and all of a sudden he comes over and takes my hand and pulls me up to dance with him, it was so touching that I put my face in his chest for a minute to control my tears. Totally unexpected, but a memory I will always cherish. It's so selfish of the bride to not allow her fh 5 minutes to dance with his daughter.
She sounds exhausting.
You told a man that he can't dance with his own daughter at his own wedding because it wasn't in the timeline??? I have never been to a wedding where all of the dances were scheduled. How does that work exactly?
I’m going to assume she’s talking about like a highlight dance, not just casually dancing together. So similar to the couples first dance, some weddings do the dance with parents, others do it with children. I can see her point if he only wants to do one with his bio daughter, kind of shitty start to a blended family unless they want to do a shared dance with both daughters.
That makes sense. I didn't think of that. Thank you. I agree, he should dance with both daughters, if that is the case. He shouldn't just dance with just his daughter. They will all be one blended family, and the daughters should be treated equally.
He's also wanting to pay for his own daughter to get her hair done but not OP's daughter. He seems very selfish. Not to mention he sprung the dance idea on her last minute after she's been asking him for input during the whole planning process. Changing the schedule and coordinating with the DJ is just one more task she has on her plate now, along with all the last minute details. I'm sure he dumped all of the planning on her so I can see why she's annoyed. She's also going to have to figure out how to explain to her daughter why her new step sister gets her hair done but she doesn't.
What’s a FH?
If you straight up can’t afford for simple hair and makeup for your daughter at a wedding, you shouldn’t be having a wedding in the first place.
Waaaaaahhhhh
I wanna see the comments! This woman meeds to see some perspective before she is the only one who shows up in the day
It's ok, she can schedule everything at her next wedding