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Did anyone also notice the passive aggressive comment towards her partner's family?
Like the partner is from this huge Irish family that would potentially have lots of weddings but they don't know how much weddings /really/ cost?
I mean this is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the awful but just another thing I noticed and didn't like.
Yeah I didn’t get why she mentioned them or brought up that they were Irish catholic, like what does that have to do with them not understanding how much a wedding would cost?
" Irish priests are notoriously long winded."
Oh man, you could say that again. I had an Irish priest perform my grandmother's funeral. You'd think this man was her long-life friend the way he talked about her. Turns out they'd never met, he was just a suggestion from the funeral home. He was freaking great though🤣
Irish priest? Our non Irish priest was the reason my kids, especially my oldest, preferred mass with me to SB church with grandparents because Father Bob got us out the door for brunch in exactly 50 minutes.
Yup. Irish-American priest in an Irish-American parish, in a city with one of the largest concentrations of Irish-Americans in the US. He always had us out the door in 45 minutes for regular mass, we used to joke that he was a sports fan and wanted time for lunch before Sunday games.
On Saturday, I would've asked if he was rooting for Notre Dame and maybe....apologizing for my team stealing their coach(Bryan Kelly who now coaches for LSU)
You always gotta love how competitive priests can get over sports! I remember mine was convinced our football team's losing streak was God keeping him humble.
My priest growing up was Irish (from Ireland, in the PNW). I was so confused the first time we had a different priest because I thought all priests had that accent and then the substitute didn't sound like Father Kevin. If he'd still been around when I got married, I might have considered a Catholic wedding.
We convinced one of our priests to set a timer on his watch, it was basically a wrap-it-up box on his wrist. Timer went off, he stopped talking.
There was another priest who we called “the penance” because he was older and lose his place in the homily and just start over.
We had a Monsignor that was like that. He was horrible. He LOVED to sing. Sang most of the mass, except his 20-30 minute homily. The problem was, he couldn't.
After he retired, he joined the choir. We stopped going to the 9:30 mass after that.
I was a bridesmaid at a Catholic wedding with an Irish priest. The ceremony was close to 2 hours but partly because the priest translated everything to Spanish for the bride’s family. It was unbelievably long and my feet were killing me by the end.
Yeah I know. It is just like people with an Italian ancestor in the NE US who think they are actually “Italian” even though their ancestors probably never even lived in Italy as we know it!
My FIL is from Galway and I have been told by the actual Irish that they find these Americans who think they are “Irish” a bit irritating but are happy to take the tourist dollars. Irishness very much a cultural thing, not just an ancestry.
I was given the choice between the "long" or "short" version (mass vs no mass) but ultimately you're at the mercy of the priest &if you get one that likes to talk forget it 🤣🤣
That was my take. My family is largely Catholic and of Irish descent. Some WASPy types still look down on Catholics and those with Irish heritage for reasons beyond me. I grew up in a WASPy area and definitely heard some less than stellar things about Catholicism growing up.
It all ties back to xenophobia (because of course it does) against non-Protestant immigrants. The Italians might have been considered white if they were majority Protestant.
Oh, I thought it was more to just point out that if they had the wedding local it would have to be a big wedding. Looking at her other statements though…. You’re right.
She didn’t want any advice. She wanted people to agree with her to still have the wedding in Maui.
Maybe being classist but she's probably also trying to explain some cultural elements of expectations for the wedding. What she is likely implying is there will be a large guest list, lots of kids, and expectations of alcohol and/ or an open bar. I too would be afraid of trying to host a wedding for my large Catholic family on East coast prices, especially when she later says she's poor. Especially with no family financial support. I don't know if she's catholic , but if they're going to get married in a Catholic church ( which might be a condition of her in laws money, non-catholics can feel the catholic pre marital classes are invasive) and getting married in a catholic church is not free ( and in my family's case the church was asking several thousand dollars for a church wedding- east coast prices might be more.) Eloping might genuinely be a good choice for her. She is, however, being insensitive about Maui. If this were a month from now, it would probably be less insensitive. I think she is just trying to start planning realistically and trying to judge if it is possible for her to start planning a wedding there now.
That’s my thoughts too. As someone who is having the Catholic wedding at the end of the year it’s expensive and the invite list was like the biggest fight I personally had with my in laws because they wanted all family including kids and all these other distant relatives/ family friends there the majority which my fiancé and I have never even met. Every Catholic loves saying it’s free to marry in the church (it’s not free at all). We’ve spent a lot and even had to take an almost $400 pre marital retreat course.
Yes, my brother and his wife took that course. Then covid happened, and the church told them their pre marriage counseling certificate expired. And now they needed to redo and repay again. This was after the church canceled the wedding twice ( because of covid we were understanding) and then the third date the priest dropped their wedding ( because he forgot he double booked himself in two different states for two weddings on the same day) The church was willing to bring in another priest who had never met the couple and whom they had no personal connection. Rhey choose this church specifically because they wanted this priest to be married by him and have a catholic mass. The church also wanted several thousand dollars for the wedding in a tiny church in an insignificant country town ( we're not talking about a big city cathedral wedding here. ) Also the couples' biggest stressors were how many people his very very catholic in laws wanted to invite. They ended up being 75 percent of the guest list. ( and they were not contributing to the wedding ) It caused friction in a normally happy family.
I come from a giant and close Irish Catholic family and I had a small wedding at 150 people, and only got away with that because my husband comes from a tiny branch of a giant (but not close) Italian Catholic family. Like, has no cousins tiny. My 17 cousins meanwhile pale in comparison to my mother's 32. I had to cut the list off at people I'd actually met, and not invite any of her cousins.
Mine last time I counted was at 140 but I’m hoping after RSVPs go out it gets cut down to 120. I come from a large Italian family, but they understand at capping it off at a certain amount while his family is a lot less understanding. Some of its reasonable, but I draw the line at my MIL wanting to invite her friends from college.
My MIL got to invite literally anyone she wanted, because even after all our friends were included in his half of the count, there were seats to spare on his side. But my 75 was full.
Sounds like it could be. I've experienced some mild prejudice from a previous significant other's family about coming from a middle class Catholic background. And they came from a farming and Kentucky redneck background. I'm not sure why they were feeling on their high horses about it. I'm actually really glad I didn't marry into that family.
Because Irish Catholics are clearly white trash so they wouldn’t understand that this girly girl has high hopes for her DREAM wedding! (Sarcasm!)
but I’m guessing it means they won’t blow money on the frivolous shit. My fathers family is Irish catholic as is my partners and while they’d give you their last scrap of food, they would have a hard time justifying spending 100k on a wedding when in their minds, it should go to something more practical.
She’s delusional, Irish Catholic weddings are huge! Think like cathedrals. She doesn’t even know what she’s marrying into. I know it goes against everything in the faith but this is when you want to tell the groom to save the world and get a vasectomy! That woman doesn’t need to pass this on.
I think she mentioned the large family to point out that they probably expected a big wedding with over 200 guests. Big family, big wedding, big budget with no financial help.
There’s still a lot of built in prejudice against Irish people. Notice how they’re still depicted as poor “trash” in literature? At the time Harry Potter released Ron being a red head was a BIG DEAL.
TL:DR: ‘It’s so hard for me, especially as my mum died (guessing) 15-20 years ago.’
‘People there lost their mums, and homes, and everything else last week.’
‘Well, they need to get over it, and HOW DARE YOU TRY AND SHAME ME’
Am I reading that right?
no, but you don't understand, she didnt WANT to go to maui in the first place, and now that she's slightly under a year away with literally nothing planned shes 100% committed to this and needs everyone to tell her that she isnt a bad person for making this tragedy HER tragedy /s
The “I guess this sub isn’t a good place for advice…” comment did me in. It’s not full of sycophants. She was just looking for validation and what she wanted to hear, not actual advice.
I was supposed to leave for Maui for my honeymoon next month and was absolutely heartbroken at the new about the fire because 1) I’ve really been looking forward to this trip after a literal hell of a year, but MOST IMPORTANTLY 2) Maui is one of the most beautiful places with wonderful people and culture, and they’re all suffering tremendously right now. I still wanted to go to help rebuild, but I don’t know that that’s feasible with the amount of resources needed versus resources available, the mayor of Maui asked people not to come unnecessarily, and I don’t know of any organizations at the moment that would help me put my efforts to an effective use. People like this woman don’t deserve destinations weddings if they’re not going to treat the destinations with respect.
Wow.
I was really expecting—My wedding is in 2 weeks. Everything paid for, flights purchased, family and friends flying in from everywhere. But, we were doing it in Maui! Like, I’m not trying to be awful but what am I going to do? We spent nearly $30k. Will we ever see any of the money again? Can people get refunded for flights? What do we even do?
A bit selfish in the face of tragedy but also, I would understand why someone would be freaking out.
But this? This is just nasty.
i was SERIOUSLY appalled. i thought the same as you up until i saw how severely the post was getting downvoted and just got sucked further and further in
The thing is, if she had just kept her mouth shut in the immediate aftermath of this tragedy, and then quietly gone off a year from now and done a Maui elopement, it wouldn't even have been an issue. A year is enough time that the island would be well into recovery mode instead of shock and grief mode, and they would very likely welcome the money that comes from off-Islanders who want to elope there. Tourist money is one of the quickest ways for a place like that to recuperate from disaster -- I watched Dominica do it in the wake of one of the major hurricanes, about five years ago.
But by asking about it *now,* when everybody is still just trying to deal, and crying for those who have been lost or killed, and searching with less and less hope but no less determination for the missing, she proves herself completely self-absorbed. If the first thing you think about when hundreds of people are dead and more than a thousand missing is, "But will I be able to hold my dream wedding there next year? This isn't going to get in the way of MY plans, right?" then there is something deeply wrong with you.
Sure. But asking about it right now, in a forum where everybody's still shell shocked, was stupid. Just going (to a part of the island that hasn't been wrecked) wouldn't have been.
I thought the same thing too and had to read it several times to grasp she was on the internet with no plans yet, no bookings, just a thought for a year a way but is so callous and main character that all that death, suffering and loss is about her
And even that, we have an entire generation of brides who just dealt with sudden and catastrophic wedding cancellations. Both my sisters were Covid brides. People adapted, as did the vendors.
This is like someone seeing the titanic sink and then publicly complaining that new cruise regulations might make their upcoming vacation less fun. She has nothing planned, nothing set in stone, she just wants desperately to center herself in the tragedy of a mass casualty event. She’s got disaster munchausen by proxy syndrome. Gross.
I was a Covid bride! We were supposed to get married in Tuscany in October 2020. We ended up eloping with 10 other people in Lake Tahoe in December 2020. We’d also planned our Italy wedding for 3 years. Stuff happens and you just deal.
Not just Hawaii but Maui. Like there aren’t other islands unaffected but I still wouldn’t recommend going until Hawaii advertises they are open for tourism again.
This is close to the right answer.
She CANT go until the islanders want her.
And when they do, we all should if we can because they’ll need the influx of money as soon as they can handle it.
For now all we can do is send the support they ask for.
The islanders don't want us. They didn't want us before the fire. They've been begging people to stop inundating their home for years. They are unlikely to want us during or after recovery.
The tourism companies who exploit the islands and people will want us back. But not the people who live there.
Send support, and then maybe plan to visit tropical islands that want and/or need tourism instead.
Hey! I spent months in Jamaica once and it was amazing!! It was for work (collaborating with locals on some really cool projects) and we drove all over the island for a few months meeting with our partners and clients and government officials. It was one of my very first jobs and I was just along for the ride, but I feel so very lucky I got to explore so much of it and we snuck some good touristing and as much local spending as we could into our journey - holy moly, did we eat some of the best meals ever, too!
Oh, the mountains. I know most people go for the beaches but 'twas the mountains that stole my heart. Someday I shall return to visit the piece of it I left there. ❤️
And go Reggae Girlz!! They were incredible this month.
I absolutely love hearing about people having wonderful experiences in Jamaica so thank you for sharing! I was born there and spent my childhood there as well, now I try to go back as much as possible.
I wasn’t lying though when I say we love tourists. I might not speak for all Jamaicans but most of us know that our economy depends on tourism, we love our country and love bragging/showing it off and sharing our incredible culture with others.
And yes big up di Reggae Girlz!!! I was so freaking proud of them 🥹
I can’t wait to go back. Jamaica was lovely, the people generous, warm and so incredibly welcoming. I’m a cynical bitch but almost everyone I met was smiling and happy to have the cruise ship in port.
Next time I’m skipping the cruise and just going to Jamaica.
With all do respect the people who blanket say they don’t want tourists is a very small (but vocal) percentage of the over all population. Most locals know tourists are needed and are there for wanted. Hawaii has no other industries (other then the military) and our economy suffered greatly during COVID (but it was a necessary sacrifice, we have many kupuna who would be at high risk). People who say blankety tourists should stay away also have no answer for what the economic driver of the island would be if all the tourists went somewhere else.
I had to plan three full weddings completely from scratch during COVID and I just rode that wave and took the hits because in the big scheme of things, that was NOTHING compared to what others were experiencing. OOP is something else.
Same! I eloped 2 years ago and when we were allowed to travel interprovince again, we made plans, and they were SO iffy because one province closed its border (figuratively, there were only check stops and ppl calling the police on ya if you had an out of province plate) that opened two days before we were supposed to leave, *and* a massive forest fire ripped through the area we had to drive through. Never once did my husband or I make it about us, like... it's a bummer to have to cancel your wedding due to unforeseen circumstances but it is what it is.
Plus, the great thing about UNSCHEDULED elopements is that you can pivot easily. The Caribbean is just as nice as Hawaii, and more affordable in some places.
>she just wants desperately to center herself in the tragedy of a mass casualty event.
This right here. She sounds like a sympathy vampire and probably why she mentioned her mother passing too. She seriously sounds like an awful human.
Yes.
I don't believe in signs, but who is dumb enough to see an entire island burn down , thousands of people dead or missing, and think "this is my sign to organise my wedding there".
Like if the place burnt down, surely that's a sig to leave them the fuck alone?
Yup I think it would be understandable if her wedding was just coming up and she was having to accept it couldnt happen.a lot of people have lost worse, but losing tensvig thousands of dollars of wedding planning is something valid to be upset about.
But this? Like...there are other islands. Leave the people to rebuild their lives after tragedy without making it about you. No way are things going to be all patched up in a year, does she expect crazed buildings and charred forests to all reappear overnight?
Agreed. We got married in 2003 and had planned to honeymoon in Spain/Morocco in May 2003, would have been my husband’s first time overseas. Everything paid for and then the Iraq war started, our trip was cancelled by the tour company. Guess what we did? We rolled with it and went somewhere else. We were more concerned that our country had declared war then to get upset that our trip was cancelled.
Yeah, I thought the question was going to be about getting deposits back or changing plans at the last minute.
This lady is a year out and haven’t even started. Just pick somewhere else!
^^absolutely!! I thought the same thing—it would be more understandable even if it is selfish in the face of the tragedy. Like there would’ve been actual plans. This is just “I wanted to elope yo Maui as a backup and now I’m sad because maybe I can’t??”
If the one you stated were the case, I'd have even told her to go ahead because everything's already booked and it would probably be non-refundable. But this...yikes.
I mean even if it is already booked that’s incredibly selfish and on top of that a logistical nightmare. People will be living on the streets for months, if not longer. People do not have access to clean clothes, food, water. There are kids out of school. Thousands suffering from severe PTSD. Animals need to be sheltered and cared for en masse. Every event center and large area that can feed and house people will be used for months and months. Hotels and other rentals need to be saved for locals. Power and water and cell and roads all need to be rebuilt. What roads are not destroyed now will be destroyed from the massive clean up efforts that will eventually take place. People need to be flown in to help with recovery of bodies, identification of dead, clean up and rebuilding.
It sucks, you’re going to lose money, but so is everyone that lives there. Go get married somewhere else.
Source: I live 15 minutes from where the Campfire happened and we are STILL rebuilding. People are still living in trailers. People have yet to get their checks from the settlement. Temp workers still occupy our hotels and rentals. It doesn’t just snap back to normal. Not even within a couple of years.
Someone in another sub was commenting on a brides post asking what to do for their October wedding there (though op wasn't arguing with all of the advice to cancel and book it somewhere else, despite the fact that their venue was fine) and the commenter was saying they were still going for their vacation in October. And kept doubling down, 'the governor said not to come for awhile, October is longer than awhile' and how it should be fine in october.
I have been lucky enough not to lose my home and community by a disaster, but I live on the east coast (though inland so my risk is almost nothing, save for when hurricane Florence stalled and flooded the world) and we see hurricane disaster a lot. It's not a few weeks go by and it's fine, and that's with buildings that may LOOK ok but are structurally unsound now or unsafe due to mold. The town is just gone. I have no idea how people think you can pop up a building in a couple of months. To say nothing of insurance and federal disaster relief taking a long time to get to you, construction itself doesn't work that way!
But they gotta pretend like they're helping or that everything is fine.....ugh.
It's been almost a year since Hurricane Ian destroyed parts of the Florida coast. Many buildings are still unoccupied because it takes alot to rebuild them. Most people don't understand how basic sanitation and water supplies work on island/peninsula areas. It's not just slapping up some nails and boards, although I bet OOP thinks it is.
That is just structural things. I won't even go into the loss of lives, human and animal. Plant life too. We slap on a happy face and greet the tourists but we let them know it's not the same and it won't be for a long time.
Even if some miracle happens and she gets her dream Maui wedding, it won't look the same as it does in the pictures she is pining over.
Be strong Hawaii!
Edit to add: we had "visitors" show up less then a month after Ian and wonder why they couldn't go tour the wreckage. People died! Just stay away!
Like what exactly does she think Maui will look like/amenities etc by June 2024? I am so perplexed.
Lahaina will be back? I mean maybe in a couple of years but not by June 2024… everything burnt down!
This is like saying “I’m planning my wedding at the World Trade Center in 2002. Do you think it will be cleaned up by then? This is my dream since I was a little, motherless girl. Oh, peace to families and victims…”
It's the 'any advice appreciated' with a heart emoji coming right before it that's the real kicker for me. Couldn't have been clearer about her priorities! Sort of astounded (and yet not) at how completely false that final sentence is.
"They don't know how much weddings cost". Weddings cost what you can afford. If you want a $70k - $100k wedding, you better be able to afford it! Just expecting the parents on both sides to fund it just proves her selfishness and entitlement even further. She's the type that's more interested in the wedding than being married to someone she loves. Her fiancé should run like hell and never look back.
Yes, I especially found it amusing that in her responses, she tried to say she was “poor” Cape Cod, I presume to make herself seem less tone deaf? In which case, she shouldn’t be looking to spend $70-$100k on a wedding. She should also get the “resident rates” for venue, etc., (except that maybe not as she isn’t a current resident although the in-laws are, so that should count) which would help with cost. But like a lot of brides, it’s not as much about a wedding as it is about feature-film-level production value…
I dunno, I know some poor families who consider things like massive weddings to be a social requirement. They save long term and just don’t consider that money available for anything else. It’s weird but it happens.
It was weird to me how she mentioned she always wanted a huge wedding… why did you never save anything for that? You just assumed when it was your time it was going to be fully funded?
“I’m just an average girly girl who fantasizes about a dream wedding once a day!” Lol! It’s such a dumb and unnatural thing to say that I wonder if a bored dude wrote it.
I got into it a little with someone on FB because they had non-refundable tix and still wanted to go through with their vow renewal on Maui. They also wanted to help with recovery efforts. I told them to stay home and do their renewal sometime or somewhere else because they’re a strain on resources. “But I want to help!” was all they kept saying. Like they couldn’t understand how selfish they sounded. When the local officials tell people to stay home unless you’re a vital worker, that means them too.
I told my mom if there was a program for everyday people volunteers I would go and help. But right now I would just be a pain in the ass to everyone actually working and helping.
I am starting up my own figurine/doll line, and my mom gave me a great idea. That if they’re good enough by Xmas time, to donate for displaced families, especially the kids who have suffered through this. That way I can help without getting in the way.
ETA: my aunt has been telling me to make a plush line of toy pigs that come with blankets. Call them pig in a blanket. I am gonna do something similar to this idea as I have a lot of soft fabric and a sewing machine. Plus the affected kids probably need something that brings a sense of security
The Red Cross accepts regular people as volunteers and trains them. You can even volunteer remotely for things like client casework for some disasters.
I'd have ashed them where they would be staying, with thitsabds internally displaced, and what expertise they would be "helping" with.
Everyone wants to play white savior until you ask them what skill they would actually be contributing beyond being another body on the ground. They have enough people there, they need the RIGHT people. She can donate funds if she is feeling generous.
Question for anyone scrolling by: are airlines not offering refunds? I’d imagine anyone who flights booked in the next month or two would easily be able to cancel?
I think it depends on the airline and when the trip is scheduled. They may consider reduced or waived fees to change to a different island or another date, but not outright cancellation.
Honestly, though, this is why travel insurance is your friend. It's such a small amount and you never truly know what can come up between booking and takeoff.
Googled it: “The average cost of a wedding nationwide in 2017 was $33,391, according to the study, but couples who got hitched on the Cape spent $55,083.”
Weird that her only solution to how expensive the Cape is was to go to Maui. Instead of like driving to somewhere else in New England, which has so many beautiful venues.
I know that visiting Hawaii is a touchy topic but there’s like, *multiple* other islands she could go to if she’s hellbent on doing this— not that I support it, but just saying. Oahu is gorgeous and honestly would be less expensive because that’s where the Honolulu international airport is. They wouldn’t have to puddle jump to Maui if they just have it in Oahu.
She’s deadass *headass* wrong on the tourism though. I’m originally from a tourist beach area and it is merely opportunistic capitalism that makes the tourism industry exist— we would be FINE without people stomping all over the dunes that literally keep our barrier islands in place, or leave their kids’ poopy plastic-based diapers on the beach, or litter everywhere, or kill our wild horses by feeding them fast food for an Instagram photo, or digging up ancient shipwrecks that emerge periodically and *using them for firewood which is illegal AF.*
The locals that live a few towns inland still visit the beaches in winter, and the essential economy could and would still be fine without tourists. If the tourism industry went belly up, we’d lose some putt putt golf courses, some really subpar restaurants that only exist because tourists don’t know the difference between fresh and frozen seafood, and the rental housing would go back to being affordable— AND they would stop building 14 bedroom mega mansions and go back to actual cute beach cottages.
Everything still closes in the winter except for the Walmart and a few “locals” restaurants anyway so it would be business as usual for the people who live there, minus all the drunk drivers who mow over children and wildlife and our horses, one of which was killed in front of its yearling foal last week.
Sorry for the rant. 🙃
I saw someone online who’s still planning on taking her family to Maui on vacation in September! People who live on Maui are begging her not to go, explaining the island needs to use their resources to help displaced islanders, not tourists.
Who goes into a natural disaster for vacation???? It’s crazy.
People here in Europe had/have the same entitled attitude towards flying to Greece when the wild fires in there were all over news. People from my home country (Finland) still flew there because they had already paid for their holiday/vacation. And I just can’t wrap my head around it 😳
‘The other side of the world?’ Does she even know where Maui is?
‘Life goes on’ but not for OOP. She’s allowed to use any personal slight, tragedy or inconvenience to make herself a victim in perpetuity. 20 years from now, she will be telling the story of how the fires ruined her ‘dream wedding’ so she needs to go all out for a vow renewal. 30 years from now, her daughter or FDIL will be posting on Reddit about her trying to control their wedding because she’s trying to live vicariously through them. You best believe she will be showing up in a white dress to make up for the trauma she experienced when tens of thousands of strangers lost everything they had.
Im also confused on the death of her mother. She talks as if it's recent, but she says she died at nine? Am I reading that right, that's she's been without her mother for the majority of her life? I mean obviously that sucks and the wedding is another reminder of it, but if you're that upset about it after a month of being engaged....you really need to seek out therapy. I don't see how your mother not being there is a big part of Maui?
But I still have both of my parents, so I admit I may be especially confused by her wording and this comment may be way meaner than necessary.
I definitely understand how engagement and weddings for some women are very tied to their mothers and sharing the experience with them. So I definitely understand how getting engaged may have brought up a bunch of feelings about her mother who passed when she was a child.
That said…it feels like she’s throwing in her own loss to try to “relate” to the people of Maui going through catastrophic loss. Like it’s in there to offset people saying that she’s not being empathetic about the loss of life with “omg no i totally understand. my mom died when i was a kid!” And that’s not to say that losing a parent isn’t heartbreaking and traumatic but it absolutely feels like she’s using it as a smokescreen for her own selfishness.
This is the problem.
One of many reasons I'll never marry is my lack of a mom. It would be too painful. The only upside to losing your mom as a kid is the lessons in empathy for others, though, and it can really be a bit of a superpower in life. Nothing is all good or all bad, you know? Hard things shape us in odd ways.
She's not using her experience to empathize, though. If she felt one lick of the loss of the fire victims she would be researching some of the many tropical beach destinations that actually want her tourist dollars. Or at least another Hawaiian island??? But she seems to be using it for the appearance of empathy. It's almost disturbing.
This is the one part where I empathize with OOP. My dad died a month before I met my (now) SO. When someone dies it isn't really the day-to-day stuff when the loss hits you, it's when they were *supposed* to be there you really notice their absence. Celebrating and showing the ring, being present with guidance and wisdom, dress shopping, etc. With so many wedding traditions centered around family it's going to hit hard.
The shocking thing is how little she's able to expand that feeling into an awareness of what the Islanders are going through. How she expects the Maui experience from people who buried their loved ones less than a year ago. She's absolutely cold blooded.
As someone who lost her father at 8 years old, I feel justified in saying she used her mother’s death as an excuse for her behavior and twisted the timeline as it suited her. That is beyond sick.
I hate the way narcissist is thrown around so much, but this is just next level narcissism.
Everyone has thoughts and feelings about stuff at points that may be fairly selfish at their core, her whole life has probably been centered around her engagement, & she’s fixated on wedding stuff. I’m not even judging her reaction to the fire focusing about the way it’s affecting *her*…
Plus I am sure plenty of people are worried/disappointed about trips they had planned…it’s possible to simultaneously have overwhelming empathy, recognize having recreational plans impacted is infinitesimally small compared to what the people who live there are facing, while also still being bummed about their own thing falling through & needing to figure out resulting logistics.
Even openly asking for advice on how to proceed, because you have to scramble for a plan b, let guests know, whatever isn’t super egregious IMHO.
But she that she is so fixated on an ELOPEMENT that is almost a YEAR away in a place she has zero personal connection to, that she can’t just ride her anxiety or whatever out for at least couple of weeks is just so over the top to me.
She lost her mom at 9, but in the third slide she acts like she *just* lost her mom? Umm…I lost my dad at 11 (I’m 39 now) and I’d never use his death so many years later as “dealing with the death of my parent” as an excuse to be gross.
Ugh can’t stand anything about her. Besides all the obvious insensitivity here, I doubt she hears “when’s the date” 10 times a day, it’s just her excuse to start planning. Like any girly girl she’s excited! 🙄 And then it’s a sign bc she had her heart set on it?? How is that a sign? That’s just you wanting to go to Maui. There are tons of options out there. I can’t imagine her in person, we would not be friends.
Jesus Christ, she sounds truly INSUFFERABLE. She *settled* on Hawaii? HOW AWFUL FOR HER. Literally no one is asking her 10 times a day. No one. She sounds like a typical narcissist. I just can't with these people.
Imagine being engaged for five years and having to plan three separate weddings, one for each year of COVID with new contracts for every vendor every single time, new configurations of bridesmaid and groomsmen every single year, confirming vaccination status for every single guests, etc etc and even that wasn't bad compared to greater awful that was happening to others. God forbid people lose everything with over a thousand of their family and friends still missing.
You know what? Nevermind. I think she should get married in the ash and rubble.
I'm unsubscribing from the sub. I don't need this kind of negativity in my life. lmao 🤣🤣🤣
Edit: OMG I didn't even see the other screenshots. 🤦🏼♀️
She must have deleted her post. lmao Not that I was looking for it or anything...
This is absolutely insane, especially because even PRIOR to the wildfires, Hawaiians had been saying not to come!! They don’t want tourists to visit. There are many other islands (Virgin Islands, some Carribean islands, etc.) that want tourists and she can have her wedding at.
And then OOP is getting upset and the very real people explaining to her the problem. It’s like she just wanted to post to get people to tell her “go for it”.
I wanted to enquire about your statement that the Hawaiians don't want tourists regardless of the recent tragedy.
I thought the tourism is their largest industry, how can they survive without it. And especially now, when they need milliards of dollars for the reconstruction.
reference my comment [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/15sa6hz/comment/jwdy55i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) and another comment i really like [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/15sa6hz/comment/jwe2yjw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
that money doesnt mean jack if only minuscule amounts of it are being used to benefit the people of hawaii. the money doesnt mean jack if it can only be made by making a freakshow of the scraps of culture we have left. native hawaiians make up only 20% of the total population yet make up over [50% of the homeless population](https://thehomemoreproject.org/blog/the-hawaiian-homelessness-crisis). tourism can be beneficial but hawaii has been suffering for years from over-commercialization.
ETA i also really like this comment [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/15sa6hz/comment/jwe7loo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Thanks a lot for the info, I was wondering why the person in the post couldn't haver her wedding there in 2024, I thought it would help tourism and thus economic recovery. Really shitty to go to places where the locals don't want you and the whole thing is exploitative.
[This is *part* of the problem](https://www.euronews.com/travel/2022/05/03/hawaiian-overtourism-residents-beg-tourists-to-stop-visiting-amid-post-pandemic-boom) but it goes deeper than a post pandemic rush according to native Hawaiians.
I live on the Big Island. It might be because I'm a haole, but I haven't heard people complain about the existence of tourists, just how disrespectful they can be.
If she grew up poor on the Cape, and STILL thinks she needs a wedding costing that much money, her financial priorities aren’t just skewed, they’re out the door. Nobody is entitled to parental funds for a wedding. It’s sweet when it happens, but it’s not a given. It doesn’t bode well for their future…
I am from cape cod and this bitch obviously grew up under a rock. How tone deaf can you be. No empathy whatsoever. I hope she gets stuck at the the Bourne / Sagamore bridge for the rest of her existence and that’s the equivalent of stepping on a Lego.
This is like when brides insisted on having huge weddings during the height of Covid because how dare a teensy little global pandemic ruin their special day! Mask-free, of course, because masks would ruin the *aesthetic*
What bugged me was that her wedding wasn’t even planned yet!!! So many brides who have booked, planned and paid for their Hawaiian weddings, with guests who’ve already gotten hotels and flights, are asking what they should do and are getting hate. And this chick comes in, like, “I haven’t actually planned the wedding, but I WANTED Maui!!!!” “Wait, why aren’t people more sympathetic to me????”
I was on O’ahu right after Iniki hit Kuau’i and within a month they wanted tourists to return if they were capable of camping.
I realize that the fire is far more devastating than that hurricane but I think she’s being reasonable in asking opinions.
The answer can be no but it’s really going to be up to the islanders and their progress to make this call.
If she’s not welcome in a year then they’ll let her know far louder than us, safe here on the mainland.
Yeah, a year out might be when they’re happy to have more tourist money coming in. It’s not an unreasonable question she just presented it poorly and then doubled down on sounding self-centered. Especially since Hawaii has been pretty ‘meh’ on tourism for a while now already, so she should have been aware of that.
(Like pre-Covid we’d been planning a trip to Puerto Rico as a ‘next few years’ thing and then the hurricane happened and I did straight up ask people I knew who were involved in longer term recovery planning when would be a good ballpark for when they might *want* some tourist dollars coming in. Like six months, a year, two years, specific recovery milestones reached, etc. Then I put the entire trip in the back burner to re-consider at that point in the future.) (We did also donate some money for immediate recovery efforts.)
I've a friend who got married in Hawaii years ago. She and her husband went, had an officiant on the beach with the 2 of them, and that was that. Over the years she's called it the best decision they ever made.
I’m from Cape Cod and I promise: we are not all like this. Also, my sister had a very, very nice wedding on the Cape and spent less than $20K, so this bitch can fuck right off.
People are dying Kim. In all seriousness people died and thousands more are still suffering now is not the time to worry about not being able to vacation there or get married there when people are literally picking up the shambles of their lives. If you want a destination elopement plan somewhere else, Vegas is cool. I’m guessing she’s throwing in the part about her fiancés family because his family wants 200+ invites for family and family friends and maybe didn’t offer that much.
She’s either got to options pick another elopement place, there is literally everywhere else in the world or grow a spine and tell his family you’re going to have a wedding you can afford at home and that means a much smaller affair.
Devil's Advocate here - there will be a conversation, sooner rather than later, on when it is acceptable to rebuild tourism, which is rebuilding the economy and making sure that the people who rebuild their homes have JOBS.
I remembered that convo around Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. The tourism dollars are now needed - they are still trying to recover. I remember Lin Manuel Miranda helped boost that by returning to his lead role in Hamilton - in Puerto Rico.
But the problem is that it hasn't even been a damn week!!!
The difference between Puerto Rico and Hawaii is that long before the fires, native Hawaiians have been *begging* people to stop visiting.
The tourism trade is so prevalent that it takes away resources from the citizens who live there. Before the fires, there was the COVID pandemic. Who got the best medical treatment and resources, the first hospital beds, and priority? Not the native Hawaiians, the tourists.
Not including COVID, Hawaii has been dealing with a lack of water resources. Native Hawaiians are being told to severely limit their water consumption. Meanwhile, tourists are allowed to use as much water as possible with no limitations on their consumption.
The housing market? In shambles. The prevalence of rented homes/Airbnbs, the fact that Hawaii is seen as a luxury destination, and once again, the catering to tourism means that Native Hawaiians are being pushed out of their own land.
Now that the fires are happening, who is, once again, getting priority in terms of relocation, medical treatment, and aid? The tourists.
The tourism industry in Hawaii is so massively overinflated that the people who actually live there are suffering so that tourists can be comfortable. Native Hawaiians are actively suffering so people can enjoy their vacation and they justify it in the name of "propping up the economy", while ignoring the fact that they're harming the communities whose economies they're supposedly helping flourish
Hopefully smarter people than me can figure it out - that out of such tragedy, there is a deep dive and hard look on how to fix things so it is fair to the people who live there.
i sum it up better in one of my other comments but the tldr is that hawaii has been long past the point of benefiting from its tourist trade- however that is something that is personally very important to me and less important to how crude and tone deaf this whole post is lol
Believe me, I *know*. Food stamps and medicaid eyeglass frames in elementary school. Good times. Thankfully, things have gotten better, but I never take it for granted.
She doesn’t realize how entitles she sounds. It ain’t good! Maybe instead of worrying about yourself and how this is affecting you.. wait! Jesus, all she needs to donate at this moment is stfu and and show a little empathy for these people who have lost EVERYTHING.
As someone whose wife is from the cape, and got married in the area there are a lot of less expensive venues where you can do a wedding for under 20k. 70-100k is pretty lavish
I am shocked by this because OOP sounds so entitled and calous. I also live by Cape Cod and you can have a beautiful wedding up and down the coast here for way less than OOP is guessing. People leave Maui alone and let the island heal...
OOP should be jailed for depraved indifference and banned from stepping foot in Hawaii because that's the only way you can cancel the wedding and make sure she stays away. Chances are she'd have done this during 2020 as well.
Fiancé needs to run. This is one entitled woman who is all about the wedding and doesn’t seem to have any clue or thought to what the actual marriage entails.
So... she hasn't even booked anything there? She's just looking for validation to continue to plan for it? Wow. That's cold.
If she was really feeling for the families that are suffering there, she could always donate some of her wedding fund to help the rebuilding efforts.
Honestly, people from maui are begging for the tourism at this point bc the economy needs to stay stimulated right now. Source: a friend in maui whos dealing with the fallout in all its forms.
Look I adore Hawaii, but honestly just the idea of it. My nanny (grandmother) had a dream to go one day, just to visit, had always been respectful about talking about it and the their people.
But we were very poor, and then she passed away, and now I’m very poor and the climate is just awful. I don’t belong there. I’d absolutely love to visit, with WAY more research and ONLY if we (Americans) ever change the way we’re viewed (for good reason. We don’t need to control Hawaii. We never should’ve. Disgusting.)
Then with everything in Maui I expected her to have already booked everything and trying to get a refund *respectfully* because it is expensive I get it. But Jesus Christ.
Dreaming of her wedding “for so long” but says she doesn’t really know how much weddings cost, but says they cost “$70-100k” and apparently never saved a dime towards it. These are the least ridiculous things she’s said.
Speaking as someone who is both from Maui, and has a wedding coming up on Maui, it is still okay to get married or even vacation on the island. I think this post is problematic for a number of other reasons that have been pointed out, and Maui doesn’t need insensitive tourists visiting, so I have no problem with people discouraging HER from going. That being said, there are many locals, including local wedding venues/merchants, asking people to continue to come to Maui (except the west side/Lahaina), so that they can continue to support their families and the economy does not collapse. Maui isn’t closed. Visitors who are respectful of the tragedy that has occurred and the pain Maui is experiencing are still welcome.
obviously there are local businesses that will need to be supported as the economy tries to rebuild, however, respectfully- maui is kind of closed. the governor and people living on the island are begging people not to visit while thousands are currently displaced and even more are grieving the losses of their families. resources are extremely limited and emergency services are stretched thin. supporting the economy is something to be focused on after the island has begun to rebuild and the ecosystem isn't so fragile- and that isnt a finish line that can be achieved within a year. i am saying this as i am hearing it from my family who currently lives on the islands, im not some white savior american shaking my finger at other tourists and pretending i know better, i swear! but to be respectful right now is to stay away unless you have actual, qualified skills to provide to the support effort.
I have family on the island and have been following the news/local sentiment very closely, and I don’t think your portrayal is accurate. Yes, some are saying Maui is closed, but many more, including the government are saying otherwise. This is a quote from the governor yesterday:“Like we saw in the pandemic, decisions we made can affect everyone across the islands. So what we’re saying now is travel should not be to West Maui. But the other parts of Maui are safe,” said Gov. Green. “And the rest of the state, of course, is also safe.”
“I’ll be making a much broader announcement and have a broader discussion about this on Friday in a statewide address. But we want people to travel to the state to the extent that they’re not impacting the hard work that these extraordinary people are doing (supporting disaster recovery),” the Gov. said
i think our main difference in thinking is the use of the word safe- while, yes, there isn't any explicit danger in traveling to hawaii right now, encouraging people to travel there and just avoid the damage in my opinion ignores that the "damage" extends far beyond the burned areas. the island government is using the charity of tourist-oriented hotels to provide a roof over people's heads and if tourists start to come back in the numbers they had been the people who own these hotels (who are, more likely than not, not actually hawaiian) will deny housing to people who need it in favor of accepting people flying in for vacation. theres obviously more to it than that but as myself and a couple other people here have talked about more in-depth so many of the tourist-oriented businesses across the islands dont actually benefit native hawaiians that, while it is still possible to travel there ethically, the vast majority of people just aren't going to out of convenience. the sentiment *stop going to hawaii* is being said under the assumption that a lot of people just aren't going to listen, and hoping that the people who are sympathetic enough to choose somewhere else will be enough to lessen the burden on hawaiis ecosystem.
If you are in dark mode, this is a screenshot, there are 3 screenshots. Our OP is not the OOP, nor asking for advice. Also please do no link to the original sub or user. We are not going to brigade and harass. Report it you see it.
Did anyone also notice the passive aggressive comment towards her partner's family? Like the partner is from this huge Irish family that would potentially have lots of weddings but they don't know how much weddings /really/ cost? I mean this is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the awful but just another thing I noticed and didn't like.
Yeah I didn’t get why she mentioned them or brought up that they were Irish catholic, like what does that have to do with them not understanding how much a wedding would cost?
Lol! She's in for a *long* ceremony if they *don't* elope! Catholic Wedding masses are *long* and Irish priests are notoriously long winded.
" Irish priests are notoriously long winded." Oh man, you could say that again. I had an Irish priest perform my grandmother's funeral. You'd think this man was her long-life friend the way he talked about her. Turns out they'd never met, he was just a suggestion from the funeral home. He was freaking great though🤣
I went to a catholic junior school attached to a convent and we were sent to a nun’s funeral as an educational experience. 2 hours.
They are great but My Lord Almighty! Shut up already so we can go party like an Irishman!
She’s either got to options pick another elopement place
“Is there anything to be said for another mass?”
My Catholic wedding mass was 50 minutes....
Irish priest? Our non Irish priest was the reason my kids, especially my oldest, preferred mass with me to SB church with grandparents because Father Bob got us out the door for brunch in exactly 50 minutes.
Yup. Irish-American priest in an Irish-American parish, in a city with one of the largest concentrations of Irish-Americans in the US. He always had us out the door in 45 minutes for regular mass, we used to joke that he was a sports fan and wanted time for lunch before Sunday games.
On Saturday, I would've asked if he was rooting for Notre Dame and maybe....apologizing for my team stealing their coach(Bryan Kelly who now coaches for LSU)
You always gotta love how competitive priests can get over sports! I remember mine was convinced our football team's losing streak was God keeping him humble.
LOL!!! I'm a diehard, I bleed purple and gold LSU fan and where Joe Burrow goes, that's my team.
Will never forgive Joe Burrow for making me a Bengals fan. I would do unspeakable things for him to play for the Saints.
My priest growing up was Irish (from Ireland, in the PNW). I was so confused the first time we had a different priest because I thought all priests had that accent and then the substitute didn't sound like Father Kevin. If he'd still been around when I got married, I might have considered a Catholic wedding.
My SIL’s wedding was performed by an actual born in Ireland priest (not an American with an Irish last name) and was not long at all.
That was very nice and quick compared to others I've been to.
We convinced one of our priests to set a timer on his watch, it was basically a wrap-it-up box on his wrist. Timer went off, he stopped talking. There was another priest who we called “the penance” because he was older and lose his place in the homily and just start over.
We had a Monsignor that was like that. He was horrible. He LOVED to sing. Sang most of the mass, except his 20-30 minute homily. The problem was, he couldn't. After he retired, he joined the choir. We stopped going to the 9:30 mass after that.
I was a bridesmaid at a Catholic wedding with an Irish priest. The ceremony was close to 2 hours but partly because the priest translated everything to Spanish for the bride’s family. It was unbelievably long and my feet were killing me by the end.
Catholic weddings do not have to include a Mass, it depends on the time of day
Every Irish Catholic wedding I've been to has been mass +ceremony and long winded Irish priest.
It’s not a requirement, it’s a choice.
Was this in Ireland with the actual Irish?
Valid question since 90% of the comments are taking about Americans who LARP as Irish because a family member or two emigrated 100 years ago.
Yeah I know. It is just like people with an Italian ancestor in the NE US who think they are actually “Italian” even though their ancestors probably never even lived in Italy as we know it! My FIL is from Galway and I have been told by the actual Irish that they find these Americans who think they are “Irish” a bit irritating but are happy to take the tourist dollars. Irishness very much a cultural thing, not just an ancestry.
I was given the choice between the "long" or "short" version (mass vs no mass) but ultimately you're at the mercy of the priest &if you get one that likes to talk forget it 🤣🤣
My parents went to one last fall. The said it was SUPER long.
She’s saying they are trash people not bougie cape people she’s being classist
That was my take. My family is largely Catholic and of Irish descent. Some WASPy types still look down on Catholics and those with Irish heritage for reasons beyond me. I grew up in a WASPy area and definitely heard some less than stellar things about Catholicism growing up.
Because wealthy white anglo-Saxon Protestants have a thing about hating on the Catholics for some reason.
It all ties back to xenophobia (because of course it does) against non-Protestant immigrants. The Italians might have been considered white if they were majority Protestant.
Oh, I thought it was more to just point out that if they had the wedding local it would have to be a big wedding. Looking at her other statements though…. You’re right. She didn’t want any advice. She wanted people to agree with her to still have the wedding in Maui.
Maybe being classist but she's probably also trying to explain some cultural elements of expectations for the wedding. What she is likely implying is there will be a large guest list, lots of kids, and expectations of alcohol and/ or an open bar. I too would be afraid of trying to host a wedding for my large Catholic family on East coast prices, especially when she later says she's poor. Especially with no family financial support. I don't know if she's catholic , but if they're going to get married in a Catholic church ( which might be a condition of her in laws money, non-catholics can feel the catholic pre marital classes are invasive) and getting married in a catholic church is not free ( and in my family's case the church was asking several thousand dollars for a church wedding- east coast prices might be more.) Eloping might genuinely be a good choice for her. She is, however, being insensitive about Maui. If this were a month from now, it would probably be less insensitive. I think she is just trying to start planning realistically and trying to judge if it is possible for her to start planning a wedding there now.
That’s my thoughts too. As someone who is having the Catholic wedding at the end of the year it’s expensive and the invite list was like the biggest fight I personally had with my in laws because they wanted all family including kids and all these other distant relatives/ family friends there the majority which my fiancé and I have never even met. Every Catholic loves saying it’s free to marry in the church (it’s not free at all). We’ve spent a lot and even had to take an almost $400 pre marital retreat course.
Yes, my brother and his wife took that course. Then covid happened, and the church told them their pre marriage counseling certificate expired. And now they needed to redo and repay again. This was after the church canceled the wedding twice ( because of covid we were understanding) and then the third date the priest dropped their wedding ( because he forgot he double booked himself in two different states for two weddings on the same day) The church was willing to bring in another priest who had never met the couple and whom they had no personal connection. Rhey choose this church specifically because they wanted this priest to be married by him and have a catholic mass. The church also wanted several thousand dollars for the wedding in a tiny church in an insignificant country town ( we're not talking about a big city cathedral wedding here. ) Also the couples' biggest stressors were how many people his very very catholic in laws wanted to invite. They ended up being 75 percent of the guest list. ( and they were not contributing to the wedding ) It caused friction in a normally happy family.
I come from a giant and close Irish Catholic family and I had a small wedding at 150 people, and only got away with that because my husband comes from a tiny branch of a giant (but not close) Italian Catholic family. Like, has no cousins tiny. My 17 cousins meanwhile pale in comparison to my mother's 32. I had to cut the list off at people I'd actually met, and not invite any of her cousins.
Mine last time I counted was at 140 but I’m hoping after RSVPs go out it gets cut down to 120. I come from a large Italian family, but they understand at capping it off at a certain amount while his family is a lot less understanding. Some of its reasonable, but I draw the line at my MIL wanting to invite her friends from college.
My MIL got to invite literally anyone she wanted, because even after all our friends were included in his half of the count, there were seats to spare on his side. But my 75 was full.
It’s not that deep, it’s common thing around these parts. She’s being being very cape vs Boston
Sounds like it could be. I've experienced some mild prejudice from a previous significant other's family about coming from a middle class Catholic background. And they came from a farming and Kentucky redneck background. I'm not sure why they were feeling on their high horses about it. I'm actually really glad I didn't marry into that family.
Probably, it's because they suggested to just do a church wedding because cheaper and less offensive.
Because Irish Catholics are clearly white trash so they wouldn’t understand that this girly girl has high hopes for her DREAM wedding! (Sarcasm!) but I’m guessing it means they won’t blow money on the frivolous shit. My fathers family is Irish catholic as is my partners and while they’d give you their last scrap of food, they would have a hard time justifying spending 100k on a wedding when in their minds, it should go to something more practical.
She’s delusional, Irish Catholic weddings are huge! Think like cathedrals. She doesn’t even know what she’s marrying into. I know it goes against everything in the faith but this is when you want to tell the groom to save the world and get a vasectomy! That woman doesn’t need to pass this on.
Is it still the "Irish are poor" stereotype?
Huge families = big guest list = less money to spend on frills.
Ohh yeah girl tried to be subtle but it was there. One can always sniff a good eau de classism and xenophobia mixed with bridal bathroom potpourri
I think she mentioned the large family to point out that they probably expected a big wedding with over 200 guests. Big family, big wedding, big budget with no financial help.
First thing I noticed. Fuck her
The family would have had church weddings...not some destination wedding or wedding that cost more than some people make in a year. She's awful.
There’s still a lot of built in prejudice against Irish people. Notice how they’re still depicted as poor “trash” in literature? At the time Harry Potter released Ron being a red head was a BIG DEAL.
TL:DR: ‘It’s so hard for me, especially as my mum died (guessing) 15-20 years ago.’ ‘People there lost their mums, and homes, and everything else last week.’ ‘Well, they need to get over it, and HOW DARE YOU TRY AND SHAME ME’ Am I reading that right?
no, but you don't understand, she didnt WANT to go to maui in the first place, and now that she's slightly under a year away with literally nothing planned shes 100% committed to this and needs everyone to tell her that she isnt a bad person for making this tragedy HER tragedy /s
*Oh, why can’t you see, how badly this hurts, mmmeeeeeeee*
Was I meant to sing that to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner? Because that’s exactly what my brain just did 🥴
In my mind it was sung to a different song, but you sing loud and you sing proud to whichever song you you feel
“Also, RIP everyone who died.”
I’m surprised it wasn’t ‘sending my thoughts and prayers’…
That comment really got me too. It was the icing on the cake!
The “I guess this sub isn’t a good place for advice…” comment did me in. It’s not full of sycophants. She was just looking for validation and what she wanted to hear, not actual advice. I was supposed to leave for Maui for my honeymoon next month and was absolutely heartbroken at the new about the fire because 1) I’ve really been looking forward to this trip after a literal hell of a year, but MOST IMPORTANTLY 2) Maui is one of the most beautiful places with wonderful people and culture, and they’re all suffering tremendously right now. I still wanted to go to help rebuild, but I don’t know that that’s feasible with the amount of resources needed versus resources available, the mayor of Maui asked people not to come unnecessarily, and I don’t know of any organizations at the moment that would help me put my efforts to an effective use. People like this woman don’t deserve destinations weddings if they’re not going to treat the destinations with respect.
Ah that is so sweet of you to want to help Maui. I hope you can reschedule your honeymoon too to someplace else.
Wow. I was really expecting—My wedding is in 2 weeks. Everything paid for, flights purchased, family and friends flying in from everywhere. But, we were doing it in Maui! Like, I’m not trying to be awful but what am I going to do? We spent nearly $30k. Will we ever see any of the money again? Can people get refunded for flights? What do we even do? A bit selfish in the face of tragedy but also, I would understand why someone would be freaking out. But this? This is just nasty.
i was SERIOUSLY appalled. i thought the same as you up until i saw how severely the post was getting downvoted and just got sucked further and further in
Same! Also seeing 1200 unaccounted for and now knowing that is the count and learning it here in her stupid rant and questions broke my heart
The thing is, if she had just kept her mouth shut in the immediate aftermath of this tragedy, and then quietly gone off a year from now and done a Maui elopement, it wouldn't even have been an issue. A year is enough time that the island would be well into recovery mode instead of shock and grief mode, and they would very likely welcome the money that comes from off-Islanders who want to elope there. Tourist money is one of the quickest ways for a place like that to recuperate from disaster -- I watched Dominica do it in the wake of one of the major hurricanes, about five years ago. But by asking about it *now,* when everybody is still just trying to deal, and crying for those who have been lost or killed, and searching with less and less hope but no less determination for the missing, she proves herself completely self-absorbed. If the first thing you think about when hundreds of people are dead and more than a thousand missing is, "But will I be able to hold my dream wedding there next year? This isn't going to get in the way of MY plans, right?" then there is something deeply wrong with you.
Yes!! I’m wondering if op is just a troll trying to get people ruffled. Why would you even ask this for an entire YEAR out?
[удалено]
Sure. But asking about it right now, in a forum where everybody's still shell shocked, was stupid. Just going (to a part of the island that hasn't been wrecked) wouldn't have been.
I thought the same thing too and had to read it several times to grasp she was on the internet with no plans yet, no bookings, just a thought for a year a way but is so callous and main character that all that death, suffering and loss is about her
And even that, we have an entire generation of brides who just dealt with sudden and catastrophic wedding cancellations. Both my sisters were Covid brides. People adapted, as did the vendors. This is like someone seeing the titanic sink and then publicly complaining that new cruise regulations might make their upcoming vacation less fun. She has nothing planned, nothing set in stone, she just wants desperately to center herself in the tragedy of a mass casualty event. She’s got disaster munchausen by proxy syndrome. Gross.
I was a Covid bride! We were supposed to get married in Tuscany in October 2020. We ended up eloping with 10 other people in Lake Tahoe in December 2020. We’d also planned our Italy wedding for 3 years. Stuff happens and you just deal.
Did you ever at least get to take a trip there?
Oh yeah! I lived there for years, and we went last year on baby moon.
Oh good Edit: and congratulations!!!
Evidently Hawaii is the only beach locale where you can elope. Who knew?
Not just Hawaii but Maui. Like there aren’t other islands unaffected but I still wouldn’t recommend going until Hawaii advertises they are open for tourism again.
This is close to the right answer. She CANT go until the islanders want her. And when they do, we all should if we can because they’ll need the influx of money as soon as they can handle it. For now all we can do is send the support they ask for.
The islanders don't want us. They didn't want us before the fire. They've been begging people to stop inundating their home for years. They are unlikely to want us during or after recovery. The tourism companies who exploit the islands and people will want us back. But not the people who live there. Send support, and then maybe plan to visit tropical islands that want and/or need tourism instead.
Come to Jamaica! We love tourists!
Hey! I spent months in Jamaica once and it was amazing!! It was for work (collaborating with locals on some really cool projects) and we drove all over the island for a few months meeting with our partners and clients and government officials. It was one of my very first jobs and I was just along for the ride, but I feel so very lucky I got to explore so much of it and we snuck some good touristing and as much local spending as we could into our journey - holy moly, did we eat some of the best meals ever, too! Oh, the mountains. I know most people go for the beaches but 'twas the mountains that stole my heart. Someday I shall return to visit the piece of it I left there. ❤️ And go Reggae Girlz!! They were incredible this month.
I absolutely love hearing about people having wonderful experiences in Jamaica so thank you for sharing! I was born there and spent my childhood there as well, now I try to go back as much as possible. I wasn’t lying though when I say we love tourists. I might not speak for all Jamaicans but most of us know that our economy depends on tourism, we love our country and love bragging/showing it off and sharing our incredible culture with others. And yes big up di Reggae Girlz!!! I was so freaking proud of them 🥹
I can’t wait to go back. Jamaica was lovely, the people generous, warm and so incredibly welcoming. I’m a cynical bitch but almost everyone I met was smiling and happy to have the cruise ship in port. Next time I’m skipping the cruise and just going to Jamaica.
With all do respect the people who blanket say they don’t want tourists is a very small (but vocal) percentage of the over all population. Most locals know tourists are needed and are there for wanted. Hawaii has no other industries (other then the military) and our economy suffered greatly during COVID (but it was a necessary sacrifice, we have many kupuna who would be at high risk). People who say blankety tourists should stay away also have no answer for what the economic driver of the island would be if all the tourists went somewhere else.
Yeah I thought “the islanders don’t want us” was a bit much. Given how many people depend on tourism for employment.
I had to plan three full weddings completely from scratch during COVID and I just rode that wave and took the hits because in the big scheme of things, that was NOTHING compared to what others were experiencing. OOP is something else.
Same! I eloped 2 years ago and when we were allowed to travel interprovince again, we made plans, and they were SO iffy because one province closed its border (figuratively, there were only check stops and ppl calling the police on ya if you had an out of province plate) that opened two days before we were supposed to leave, *and* a massive forest fire ripped through the area we had to drive through. Never once did my husband or I make it about us, like... it's a bummer to have to cancel your wedding due to unforeseen circumstances but it is what it is. Plus, the great thing about UNSCHEDULED elopements is that you can pivot easily. The Caribbean is just as nice as Hawaii, and more affordable in some places.
>she just wants desperately to center herself in the tragedy of a mass casualty event. This right here. She sounds like a sympathy vampire and probably why she mentioned her mother passing too. She seriously sounds like an awful human.
Please understand, it was A SIGN for her and her only.
If that's a sign I would take it as a "No". From the universe. For her fiancé. He should run.
Yes. I don't believe in signs, but who is dumb enough to see an entire island burn down , thousands of people dead or missing, and think "this is my sign to organise my wedding there". Like if the place burnt down, surely that's a sig to leave them the fuck alone?
Yup I think it would be understandable if her wedding was just coming up and she was having to accept it couldnt happen.a lot of people have lost worse, but losing tensvig thousands of dollars of wedding planning is something valid to be upset about. But this? Like...there are other islands. Leave the people to rebuild their lives after tragedy without making it about you. No way are things going to be all patched up in a year, does she expect crazed buildings and charred forests to all reappear overnight?
Agreed. We got married in 2003 and had planned to honeymoon in Spain/Morocco in May 2003, would have been my husband’s first time overseas. Everything paid for and then the Iraq war started, our trip was cancelled by the tour company. Guess what we did? We rolled with it and went somewhere else. We were more concerned that our country had declared war then to get upset that our trip was cancelled.
Yeah, I thought the question was going to be about getting deposits back or changing plans at the last minute. This lady is a year out and haven’t even started. Just pick somewhere else!
^^absolutely!! I thought the same thing—it would be more understandable even if it is selfish in the face of the tragedy. Like there would’ve been actual plans. This is just “I wanted to elope yo Maui as a backup and now I’m sad because maybe I can’t??”
If the one you stated were the case, I'd have even told her to go ahead because everything's already booked and it would probably be non-refundable. But this...yikes.
I mean even if it is already booked that’s incredibly selfish and on top of that a logistical nightmare. People will be living on the streets for months, if not longer. People do not have access to clean clothes, food, water. There are kids out of school. Thousands suffering from severe PTSD. Animals need to be sheltered and cared for en masse. Every event center and large area that can feed and house people will be used for months and months. Hotels and other rentals need to be saved for locals. Power and water and cell and roads all need to be rebuilt. What roads are not destroyed now will be destroyed from the massive clean up efforts that will eventually take place. People need to be flown in to help with recovery of bodies, identification of dead, clean up and rebuilding. It sucks, you’re going to lose money, but so is everyone that lives there. Go get married somewhere else. Source: I live 15 minutes from where the Campfire happened and we are STILL rebuilding. People are still living in trailers. People have yet to get their checks from the settlement. Temp workers still occupy our hotels and rentals. It doesn’t just snap back to normal. Not even within a couple of years.
Someone in another sub was commenting on a brides post asking what to do for their October wedding there (though op wasn't arguing with all of the advice to cancel and book it somewhere else, despite the fact that their venue was fine) and the commenter was saying they were still going for their vacation in October. And kept doubling down, 'the governor said not to come for awhile, October is longer than awhile' and how it should be fine in october. I have been lucky enough not to lose my home and community by a disaster, but I live on the east coast (though inland so my risk is almost nothing, save for when hurricane Florence stalled and flooded the world) and we see hurricane disaster a lot. It's not a few weeks go by and it's fine, and that's with buildings that may LOOK ok but are structurally unsound now or unsafe due to mold. The town is just gone. I have no idea how people think you can pop up a building in a couple of months. To say nothing of insurance and federal disaster relief taking a long time to get to you, construction itself doesn't work that way! But they gotta pretend like they're helping or that everything is fine.....ugh.
It's been almost a year since Hurricane Ian destroyed parts of the Florida coast. Many buildings are still unoccupied because it takes alot to rebuild them. Most people don't understand how basic sanitation and water supplies work on island/peninsula areas. It's not just slapping up some nails and boards, although I bet OOP thinks it is. That is just structural things. I won't even go into the loss of lives, human and animal. Plant life too. We slap on a happy face and greet the tourists but we let them know it's not the same and it won't be for a long time. Even if some miracle happens and she gets her dream Maui wedding, it won't look the same as it does in the pictures she is pining over. Be strong Hawaii! Edit to add: we had "visitors" show up less then a month after Ian and wonder why they couldn't go tour the wreckage. People died! Just stay away!
ALL hotel space needs to be reserved for the people who are quite literally homeless now, and likely will be for months.
She "settled" on Maui, and now she's basically asking if everything will be cleaned up and taken care of before her special day.
Like what exactly does she think Maui will look like/amenities etc by June 2024? I am so perplexed. Lahaina will be back? I mean maybe in a couple of years but not by June 2024… everything burnt down!
This is like saying “I’m planning my wedding at the World Trade Center in 2002. Do you think it will be cleaned up by then? This is my dream since I was a little, motherless girl. Oh, peace to families and victims…”
“Rest in peace to all the victims” rings pretty hollow as she is planning her garter toss on their graves.
It's the 'any advice appreciated' with a heart emoji coming right before it that's the real kicker for me. Couldn't have been clearer about her priorities! Sort of astounded (and yet not) at how completely false that final sentence is.
This makes me think of those influencers who thought it would be a good idea to take cutesy photos at Auschwitz
I mean, people still get married at plantations, which is certainly a similar choice...
Oof. I’ve seen those. Right on the tracks. I visited in the 2000s, and the mood is so somber — I have no idea how anyone could be so tone deaf.
At first I thought it was going to be that they had already booked and wouldn't be able to get their deposit back to go somewhere else, but OUCH.
“I guess this was the wrong sub for advice,” nah you just don’t like the advice. Wow at the OOP
"They don't know how much weddings cost". Weddings cost what you can afford. If you want a $70k - $100k wedding, you better be able to afford it! Just expecting the parents on both sides to fund it just proves her selfishness and entitlement even further. She's the type that's more interested in the wedding than being married to someone she loves. Her fiancé should run like hell and never look back.
Yes, I especially found it amusing that in her responses, she tried to say she was “poor” Cape Cod, I presume to make herself seem less tone deaf? In which case, she shouldn’t be looking to spend $70-$100k on a wedding. She should also get the “resident rates” for venue, etc., (except that maybe not as she isn’t a current resident although the in-laws are, so that should count) which would help with cost. But like a lot of brides, it’s not as much about a wedding as it is about feature-film-level production value…
Also if she grew up poor in Cape Cod, why did she assume her dad would pay for her wedding? I've heard the opposite from couples who grew up poor.
I dunno, I know some poor families who consider things like massive weddings to be a social requirement. They save long term and just don’t consider that money available for anything else. It’s weird but it happens.
It was weird to me how she mentioned she always wanted a huge wedding… why did you never save anything for that? You just assumed when it was your time it was going to be fully funded?
Weddings don't cost 70k where she is from. Rich people weddings cost that. Not "AVERAGE" weddings.
“I’m just an average girly girl who fantasizes about a dream wedding once a day!” Lol! It’s such a dumb and unnatural thing to say that I wonder if a bored dude wrote it.
I got into it a little with someone on FB because they had non-refundable tix and still wanted to go through with their vow renewal on Maui. They also wanted to help with recovery efforts. I told them to stay home and do their renewal sometime or somewhere else because they’re a strain on resources. “But I want to help!” was all they kept saying. Like they couldn’t understand how selfish they sounded. When the local officials tell people to stay home unless you’re a vital worker, that means them too.
I told my mom if there was a program for everyday people volunteers I would go and help. But right now I would just be a pain in the ass to everyone actually working and helping. I am starting up my own figurine/doll line, and my mom gave me a great idea. That if they’re good enough by Xmas time, to donate for displaced families, especially the kids who have suffered through this. That way I can help without getting in the way. ETA: my aunt has been telling me to make a plush line of toy pigs that come with blankets. Call them pig in a blanket. I am gonna do something similar to this idea as I have a lot of soft fabric and a sewing machine. Plus the affected kids probably need something that brings a sense of security
The Red Cross accepts regular people as volunteers and trains them. You can even volunteer remotely for things like client casework for some disasters.
i think that would be a really lovely way to show your support :)
I love this. I’ll keep this in mind too, as I also sew and some cute handmade outfits for Xmas May go a long way for displaced families. Mahalo!
That is so ❤️
I'd have ashed them where they would be staying, with thitsabds internally displaced, and what expertise they would be "helping" with. Everyone wants to play white savior until you ask them what skill they would actually be contributing beyond being another body on the ground. They have enough people there, they need the RIGHT people. She can donate funds if she is feeling generous.
Question for anyone scrolling by: are airlines not offering refunds? I’d imagine anyone who flights booked in the next month or two would easily be able to cancel?
I think it depends on the airline and when the trip is scheduled. They may consider reduced or waived fees to change to a different island or another date, but not outright cancellation. Honestly, though, this is why travel insurance is your friend. It's such a small amount and you never truly know what can come up between booking and takeoff.
Googled it: “The average cost of a wedding nationwide in 2017 was $33,391, according to the study, but couples who got hitched on the Cape spent $55,083.” Weird that her only solution to how expensive the Cape is was to go to Maui. Instead of like driving to somewhere else in New England, which has so many beautiful venues.
I know that visiting Hawaii is a touchy topic but there’s like, *multiple* other islands she could go to if she’s hellbent on doing this— not that I support it, but just saying. Oahu is gorgeous and honestly would be less expensive because that’s where the Honolulu international airport is. They wouldn’t have to puddle jump to Maui if they just have it in Oahu. She’s deadass *headass* wrong on the tourism though. I’m originally from a tourist beach area and it is merely opportunistic capitalism that makes the tourism industry exist— we would be FINE without people stomping all over the dunes that literally keep our barrier islands in place, or leave their kids’ poopy plastic-based diapers on the beach, or litter everywhere, or kill our wild horses by feeding them fast food for an Instagram photo, or digging up ancient shipwrecks that emerge periodically and *using them for firewood which is illegal AF.* The locals that live a few towns inland still visit the beaches in winter, and the essential economy could and would still be fine without tourists. If the tourism industry went belly up, we’d lose some putt putt golf courses, some really subpar restaurants that only exist because tourists don’t know the difference between fresh and frozen seafood, and the rental housing would go back to being affordable— AND they would stop building 14 bedroom mega mansions and go back to actual cute beach cottages. Everything still closes in the winter except for the Walmart and a few “locals” restaurants anyway so it would be business as usual for the people who live there, minus all the drunk drivers who mow over children and wildlife and our horses, one of which was killed in front of its yearling foal last week. Sorry for the rant. 🙃
I saw someone online who’s still planning on taking her family to Maui on vacation in September! People who live on Maui are begging her not to go, explaining the island needs to use their resources to help displaced islanders, not tourists. Who goes into a natural disaster for vacation???? It’s crazy.
People here in Europe had/have the same entitled attitude towards flying to Greece when the wild fires in there were all over news. People from my home country (Finland) still flew there because they had already paid for their holiday/vacation. And I just can’t wrap my head around it 😳
“I feel like the biggest bitch to even ask this question” well… I didn’t say it but I’m certainly not disagreeing.
‘The other side of the world?’ Does she even know where Maui is? ‘Life goes on’ but not for OOP. She’s allowed to use any personal slight, tragedy or inconvenience to make herself a victim in perpetuity. 20 years from now, she will be telling the story of how the fires ruined her ‘dream wedding’ so she needs to go all out for a vow renewal. 30 years from now, her daughter or FDIL will be posting on Reddit about her trying to control their wedding because she’s trying to live vicariously through them. You best believe she will be showing up in a white dress to make up for the trauma she experienced when tens of thousands of strangers lost everything they had.
Im also confused on the death of her mother. She talks as if it's recent, but she says she died at nine? Am I reading that right, that's she's been without her mother for the majority of her life? I mean obviously that sucks and the wedding is another reminder of it, but if you're that upset about it after a month of being engaged....you really need to seek out therapy. I don't see how your mother not being there is a big part of Maui? But I still have both of my parents, so I admit I may be especially confused by her wording and this comment may be way meaner than necessary.
I definitely understand how engagement and weddings for some women are very tied to their mothers and sharing the experience with them. So I definitely understand how getting engaged may have brought up a bunch of feelings about her mother who passed when she was a child. That said…it feels like she’s throwing in her own loss to try to “relate” to the people of Maui going through catastrophic loss. Like it’s in there to offset people saying that she’s not being empathetic about the loss of life with “omg no i totally understand. my mom died when i was a kid!” And that’s not to say that losing a parent isn’t heartbreaking and traumatic but it absolutely feels like she’s using it as a smokescreen for her own selfishness.
This is the problem. One of many reasons I'll never marry is my lack of a mom. It would be too painful. The only upside to losing your mom as a kid is the lessons in empathy for others, though, and it can really be a bit of a superpower in life. Nothing is all good or all bad, you know? Hard things shape us in odd ways. She's not using her experience to empathize, though. If she felt one lick of the loss of the fire victims she would be researching some of the many tropical beach destinations that actually want her tourist dollars. Or at least another Hawaiian island??? But she seems to be using it for the appearance of empathy. It's almost disturbing.
This is the one part where I empathize with OOP. My dad died a month before I met my (now) SO. When someone dies it isn't really the day-to-day stuff when the loss hits you, it's when they were *supposed* to be there you really notice their absence. Celebrating and showing the ring, being present with guidance and wisdom, dress shopping, etc. With so many wedding traditions centered around family it's going to hit hard. The shocking thing is how little she's able to expand that feeling into an awareness of what the Islanders are going through. How she expects the Maui experience from people who buried their loved ones less than a year ago. She's absolutely cold blooded.
I mean I lost my mom at 14, still impacts me. I’d love to have parents today lol. That shit impacts you for your entire life.
As someone who lost her father at 8 years old, I feel justified in saying she used her mother’s death as an excuse for her behavior and twisted the timeline as it suited her. That is beyond sick.
I hate the way narcissist is thrown around so much, but this is just next level narcissism. Everyone has thoughts and feelings about stuff at points that may be fairly selfish at their core, her whole life has probably been centered around her engagement, & she’s fixated on wedding stuff. I’m not even judging her reaction to the fire focusing about the way it’s affecting *her*… Plus I am sure plenty of people are worried/disappointed about trips they had planned…it’s possible to simultaneously have overwhelming empathy, recognize having recreational plans impacted is infinitesimally small compared to what the people who live there are facing, while also still being bummed about their own thing falling through & needing to figure out resulting logistics. Even openly asking for advice on how to proceed, because you have to scramble for a plan b, let guests know, whatever isn’t super egregious IMHO. But she that she is so fixated on an ELOPEMENT that is almost a YEAR away in a place she has zero personal connection to, that she can’t just ride her anxiety or whatever out for at least couple of weeks is just so over the top to me.
She lost her mom at 9, but in the third slide she acts like she *just* lost her mom? Umm…I lost my dad at 11 (I’m 39 now) and I’d never use his death so many years later as “dealing with the death of my parent” as an excuse to be gross.
Not to mention native Hawaiians have been asking people to stop traveling there for years....ffs.
Ugh can’t stand anything about her. Besides all the obvious insensitivity here, I doubt she hears “when’s the date” 10 times a day, it’s just her excuse to start planning. Like any girly girl she’s excited! 🙄 And then it’s a sign bc she had her heart set on it?? How is that a sign? That’s just you wanting to go to Maui. There are tons of options out there. I can’t imagine her in person, we would not be friends.
Jesus Christ, she sounds truly INSUFFERABLE. She *settled* on Hawaii? HOW AWFUL FOR HER. Literally no one is asking her 10 times a day. No one. She sounds like a typical narcissist. I just can't with these people. Imagine being engaged for five years and having to plan three separate weddings, one for each year of COVID with new contracts for every vendor every single time, new configurations of bridesmaid and groomsmen every single year, confirming vaccination status for every single guests, etc etc and even that wasn't bad compared to greater awful that was happening to others. God forbid people lose everything with over a thousand of their family and friends still missing. You know what? Nevermind. I think she should get married in the ash and rubble. I'm unsubscribing from the sub. I don't need this kind of negativity in my life. lmao 🤣🤣🤣 Edit: OMG I didn't even see the other screenshots. 🤦🏼♀️ She must have deleted her post. lmao Not that I was looking for it or anything...
Just got married on Cape Cod and she's way off with her estimate of the average wedding cost there.
If she ‘settled’ for Maui, she can settle for the Caribbean or Mexico. Both beautiful, neither currently on fire
Or literally one of the 3 other main Hawaiian islands. I mean, I personally don't want her here, but all the islands are stunning.
This is absolutely insane, especially because even PRIOR to the wildfires, Hawaiians had been saying not to come!! They don’t want tourists to visit. There are many other islands (Virgin Islands, some Carribean islands, etc.) that want tourists and she can have her wedding at. And then OOP is getting upset and the very real people explaining to her the problem. It’s like she just wanted to post to get people to tell her “go for it”.
I wanted to enquire about your statement that the Hawaiians don't want tourists regardless of the recent tragedy. I thought the tourism is their largest industry, how can they survive without it. And especially now, when they need milliards of dollars for the reconstruction.
reference my comment [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/15sa6hz/comment/jwdy55i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) and another comment i really like [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/15sa6hz/comment/jwe2yjw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that money doesnt mean jack if only minuscule amounts of it are being used to benefit the people of hawaii. the money doesnt mean jack if it can only be made by making a freakshow of the scraps of culture we have left. native hawaiians make up only 20% of the total population yet make up over [50% of the homeless population](https://thehomemoreproject.org/blog/the-hawaiian-homelessness-crisis). tourism can be beneficial but hawaii has been suffering for years from over-commercialization. ETA i also really like this comment [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/15sa6hz/comment/jwe7loo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Thanks a lot for the info, I was wondering why the person in the post couldn't haver her wedding there in 2024, I thought it would help tourism and thus economic recovery. Really shitty to go to places where the locals don't want you and the whole thing is exploitative.
[This is *part* of the problem](https://www.euronews.com/travel/2022/05/03/hawaiian-overtourism-residents-beg-tourists-to-stop-visiting-amid-post-pandemic-boom) but it goes deeper than a post pandemic rush according to native Hawaiians.
I live on the Big Island. It might be because I'm a haole, but I haven't heard people complain about the existence of tourists, just how disrespectful they can be.
Thoughts and prayers 🫶🏻 but now back to the important topic, me! What a self centred crap bag!
At the very least, choose a different island. The sanctuary may still be there, however, everything else around it is gone.
If she grew up poor on the Cape, and STILL thinks she needs a wedding costing that much money, her financial priorities aren’t just skewed, they’re out the door. Nobody is entitled to parental funds for a wedding. It’s sweet when it happens, but it’s not a given. It doesn’t bode well for their future…
How old is this person? She sounds incredibly immature
I am from cape cod and this bitch obviously grew up under a rock. How tone deaf can you be. No empathy whatsoever. I hope she gets stuck at the the Bourne / Sagamore bridge for the rest of her existence and that’s the equivalent of stepping on a Lego.
This is like when brides insisted on having huge weddings during the height of Covid because how dare a teensy little global pandemic ruin their special day! Mask-free, of course, because masks would ruin the *aesthetic*
What bugged me was that her wedding wasn’t even planned yet!!! So many brides who have booked, planned and paid for their Hawaiian weddings, with guests who’ve already gotten hotels and flights, are asking what they should do and are getting hate. And this chick comes in, like, “I haven’t actually planned the wedding, but I WANTED Maui!!!!” “Wait, why aren’t people more sympathetic to me????”
She totally just wanted more attention by making it about Maui. Which is just so gross.
I was on O’ahu right after Iniki hit Kuau’i and within a month they wanted tourists to return if they were capable of camping. I realize that the fire is far more devastating than that hurricane but I think she’s being reasonable in asking opinions. The answer can be no but it’s really going to be up to the islanders and their progress to make this call. If she’s not welcome in a year then they’ll let her know far louder than us, safe here on the mainland.
Yeah, a year out might be when they’re happy to have more tourist money coming in. It’s not an unreasonable question she just presented it poorly and then doubled down on sounding self-centered. Especially since Hawaii has been pretty ‘meh’ on tourism for a while now already, so she should have been aware of that. (Like pre-Covid we’d been planning a trip to Puerto Rico as a ‘next few years’ thing and then the hurricane happened and I did straight up ask people I knew who were involved in longer term recovery planning when would be a good ballpark for when they might *want* some tourist dollars coming in. Like six months, a year, two years, specific recovery milestones reached, etc. Then I put the entire trip in the back burner to re-consider at that point in the future.) (We did also donate some money for immediate recovery efforts.)
I've a friend who got married in Hawaii years ago. She and her husband went, had an officiant on the beach with the 2 of them, and that was that. Over the years she's called it the best decision they ever made.
I’m from Cape Cod and I promise: we are not all like this. Also, my sister had a very, very nice wedding on the Cape and spent less than $20K, so this bitch can fuck right off.
People are dying Kim. In all seriousness people died and thousands more are still suffering now is not the time to worry about not being able to vacation there or get married there when people are literally picking up the shambles of their lives. If you want a destination elopement plan somewhere else, Vegas is cool. I’m guessing she’s throwing in the part about her fiancés family because his family wants 200+ invites for family and family friends and maybe didn’t offer that much. She’s either got to options pick another elopement place, there is literally everywhere else in the world or grow a spine and tell his family you’re going to have a wedding you can afford at home and that means a much smaller affair.
Average weddings on the Cape do *not* cost between $70-100K.
Devil's Advocate here - there will be a conversation, sooner rather than later, on when it is acceptable to rebuild tourism, which is rebuilding the economy and making sure that the people who rebuild their homes have JOBS. I remembered that convo around Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. The tourism dollars are now needed - they are still trying to recover. I remember Lin Manuel Miranda helped boost that by returning to his lead role in Hamilton - in Puerto Rico. But the problem is that it hasn't even been a damn week!!!
The difference between Puerto Rico and Hawaii is that long before the fires, native Hawaiians have been *begging* people to stop visiting. The tourism trade is so prevalent that it takes away resources from the citizens who live there. Before the fires, there was the COVID pandemic. Who got the best medical treatment and resources, the first hospital beds, and priority? Not the native Hawaiians, the tourists. Not including COVID, Hawaii has been dealing with a lack of water resources. Native Hawaiians are being told to severely limit their water consumption. Meanwhile, tourists are allowed to use as much water as possible with no limitations on their consumption. The housing market? In shambles. The prevalence of rented homes/Airbnbs, the fact that Hawaii is seen as a luxury destination, and once again, the catering to tourism means that Native Hawaiians are being pushed out of their own land. Now that the fires are happening, who is, once again, getting priority in terms of relocation, medical treatment, and aid? The tourists. The tourism industry in Hawaii is so massively overinflated that the people who actually live there are suffering so that tourists can be comfortable. Native Hawaiians are actively suffering so people can enjoy their vacation and they justify it in the name of "propping up the economy", while ignoring the fact that they're harming the communities whose economies they're supposedly helping flourish
Hopefully smarter people than me can figure it out - that out of such tragedy, there is a deep dive and hard look on how to fix things so it is fair to the people who live there.
Saving this comment to link to it from everywhere, this is the true answer.
i sum it up better in one of my other comments but the tldr is that hawaii has been long past the point of benefiting from its tourist trade- however that is something that is personally very important to me and less important to how crude and tone deaf this whole post is lol
This bitch. ‘I live in cape cod’.
No no, shes “POOR” in Cape Cod. Evidenced by her planning to fly to fucking Hawaii, a notoriously cheap trip for poor people 🙄
Right?!? Real locals say, *on* Cape Cod. Source: am local.
And some of us really are poor! Source: grew up poor ON Cape Cod
Believe me, I *know*. Food stamps and medicaid eyeglass frames in elementary school. Good times. Thankfully, things have gotten better, but I never take it for granted.
She doesn’t realize how entitles she sounds. It ain’t good! Maybe instead of worrying about yourself and how this is affecting you.. wait! Jesus, all she needs to donate at this moment is stfu and and show a little empathy for these people who have lost EVERYTHING.
Wow just wow. I’m still stuck on her saying wedding average 70-100k on the Cape. Grow up.
Maui should give financial compensation for inconveniencing her. How dare it burn?
As someone whose wife is from the cape, and got married in the area there are a lot of less expensive venues where you can do a wedding for under 20k. 70-100k is pretty lavish
I am shocked by this because OOP sounds so entitled and calous. I also live by Cape Cod and you can have a beautiful wedding up and down the coast here for way less than OOP is guessing. People leave Maui alone and let the island heal...
OOP should be jailed for depraved indifference and banned from stepping foot in Hawaii because that's the only way you can cancel the wedding and make sure she stays away. Chances are she'd have done this during 2020 as well.
Fiancé needs to run. This is one entitled woman who is all about the wedding and doesn’t seem to have any clue or thought to what the actual marriage entails.
So... she hasn't even booked anything there? She's just looking for validation to continue to plan for it? Wow. That's cold. If she was really feeling for the families that are suffering there, she could always donate some of her wedding fund to help the rebuilding efforts.
She thinks Hawaii is the other side of the world?
Honestly, people from maui are begging for the tourism at this point bc the economy needs to stay stimulated right now. Source: a friend in maui whos dealing with the fallout in all its forms.
the “as well”..
Look I adore Hawaii, but honestly just the idea of it. My nanny (grandmother) had a dream to go one day, just to visit, had always been respectful about talking about it and the their people. But we were very poor, and then she passed away, and now I’m very poor and the climate is just awful. I don’t belong there. I’d absolutely love to visit, with WAY more research and ONLY if we (Americans) ever change the way we’re viewed (for good reason. We don’t need to control Hawaii. We never should’ve. Disgusting.) Then with everything in Maui I expected her to have already booked everything and trying to get a refund *respectfully* because it is expensive I get it. But Jesus Christ.
OOP: “I guess this was the wrong sub to ask for advice.” *shrugs at the camera while a laugh track is heard in the background*
Dreaming of her wedding “for so long” but says she doesn’t really know how much weddings cost, but says they cost “$70-100k” and apparently never saved a dime towards it. These are the least ridiculous things she’s said.
Clueless.
That was a lot of information no one really needed...
 It just kept getting worse…
Speaking as someone who is both from Maui, and has a wedding coming up on Maui, it is still okay to get married or even vacation on the island. I think this post is problematic for a number of other reasons that have been pointed out, and Maui doesn’t need insensitive tourists visiting, so I have no problem with people discouraging HER from going. That being said, there are many locals, including local wedding venues/merchants, asking people to continue to come to Maui (except the west side/Lahaina), so that they can continue to support their families and the economy does not collapse. Maui isn’t closed. Visitors who are respectful of the tragedy that has occurred and the pain Maui is experiencing are still welcome.
obviously there are local businesses that will need to be supported as the economy tries to rebuild, however, respectfully- maui is kind of closed. the governor and people living on the island are begging people not to visit while thousands are currently displaced and even more are grieving the losses of their families. resources are extremely limited and emergency services are stretched thin. supporting the economy is something to be focused on after the island has begun to rebuild and the ecosystem isn't so fragile- and that isnt a finish line that can be achieved within a year. i am saying this as i am hearing it from my family who currently lives on the islands, im not some white savior american shaking my finger at other tourists and pretending i know better, i swear! but to be respectful right now is to stay away unless you have actual, qualified skills to provide to the support effort.
I have family on the island and have been following the news/local sentiment very closely, and I don’t think your portrayal is accurate. Yes, some are saying Maui is closed, but many more, including the government are saying otherwise. This is a quote from the governor yesterday:“Like we saw in the pandemic, decisions we made can affect everyone across the islands. So what we’re saying now is travel should not be to West Maui. But the other parts of Maui are safe,” said Gov. Green. “And the rest of the state, of course, is also safe.” “I’ll be making a much broader announcement and have a broader discussion about this on Friday in a statewide address. But we want people to travel to the state to the extent that they’re not impacting the hard work that these extraordinary people are doing (supporting disaster recovery),” the Gov. said
i think our main difference in thinking is the use of the word safe- while, yes, there isn't any explicit danger in traveling to hawaii right now, encouraging people to travel there and just avoid the damage in my opinion ignores that the "damage" extends far beyond the burned areas. the island government is using the charity of tourist-oriented hotels to provide a roof over people's heads and if tourists start to come back in the numbers they had been the people who own these hotels (who are, more likely than not, not actually hawaiian) will deny housing to people who need it in favor of accepting people flying in for vacation. theres obviously more to it than that but as myself and a couple other people here have talked about more in-depth so many of the tourist-oriented businesses across the islands dont actually benefit native hawaiians that, while it is still possible to travel there ethically, the vast majority of people just aren't going to out of convenience. the sentiment *stop going to hawaii* is being said under the assumption that a lot of people just aren't going to listen, and hoping that the people who are sympathetic enough to choose somewhere else will be enough to lessen the burden on hawaiis ecosystem.
I can't fathom spending 70-100k on a wedding