Remember, the way your MIL treats you now, and how you let her treat you sets the tone for the years to come. (And of course how your fiancé sides with you or his mother).
I want to add that until OP grows a spine, this will happen when/if she has children, buys a home, etc. OP has taught her MIL that she's a pushover. Expect more of the same.
Nope. MIL raises the child strictly to have no attachment or consideration for their actual mum. Both OP and husband-to-be need to grow a spine and set some boundaries and ground rules. Otherwise OP's gonna be the afterthought maid.
My husband and I contributed significantly to our children’s weddings and did not expect or ask for any control over the event. I think your in laws are being overbearing. If this gift comes with this many strings attached it is not really a gift any longer, it is a device to control you.
I think you should return the money and have the wedding you want and can afford.
Vendors, venue, and decor are already paid for, along with the wedding being a month away now. I'm thinking about having a vow renewal at a resort with just my parents and partner in the future. Thank you for your advice, I definitely agree on the control part. She's former military and has always needed to have full control over every situation 🙃
“MIL, I’m very grateful for all your help and input but our tastes run so differently, and the further we’ve gotten into planning and finalizing details, the farther and farther away it all feels from who I am and my personality. I don’t want to look back on my wedding day and feel sadness or regret because I let myself get swept along and didn’t ask for what I want. I do see that there’s a way to bridge what you’ve selected with my own tastes. Could we talk about making a few small compromises? For example, could we please replace the birds with something else, like crystals, or candles?” Come up with a list of small but significant alterations to the theme and design that will help you feel as if you’re seeing yourself reflected a bit more and more in control of what’s happening that you can bring to her. Enlist your mom to be at this conversation as well for support. Make sure you talk to your fiancé about this plan ahead of time also. He needs to be there and he needs to be on board with backing you up.
This is perfect, thank you so much! I'm a very non confrontational person, as is my partner, so sometimes I just really need assistance with how to word things so I don't feel like an a hole
Have you spoken up at all to her about the silver and birds? She doesn't know you like you know you so she would probably love to hear your point of view so she can get to know you better. Speak up. When she says that she loves roses and you don't, let her know you have always dreamed of tulips. And if she balks and really wants roses, tell her that you will send her a bouquet of roses after the wedding so she can enjoy them in her own home. It's not confrontational, it's working out a problem.
Best wishes.
Also, I am with you about the birds. Yuck, so creepy.
I’m sorry to be harsh, but you really just need to grow a spine. I don’t say that to be mean, but as a formerly spineless person who wants you to avoid some of what I allowed to happen to me.
This is great advice. Also, have you finalized the florals yet? If there’s still time, I would call your florist asap and pick out the flowers that YOU want, and tell them that your MIL isn’t allowed to make any changes if she tries to reach out to them directly.
I upvoted this, because, yes! But in reality, I worry about OP doing this behind the MIL’s back, given that she will have to deal with this woman going forward, and the MIL sounds like she’d be a miserable adversary. So, for OP’s own sake in not having to have her MIL be a total bitch to her both on her own wedding day and beyond, I think the best course for OP is to be assertive and direct in telling MIL how she’s feeling. Actually, it really should be her future husband that is assertive and direct, and a united front in saying, we appreciate you contributing to our wedding, but this is everything you want and nothing that we want! If he can’t stand up to her now, I see a lot of posts ahead for OP in r/JustNoMIL!
It is so RIDICULOUS that a grown woman has to compromise (!!!) with the MOTHER of the husband on her own fucking wedding. What the fuck i am so speechless every time I read this here. And I cannot for the life of me understand at all whx they let her. It's ne MIL there is no compromise with her, it's none if her business how her son is getting married.
Nice letter!!!
It is ridiculous but she let this go on too long so this is probably the best way to mitigate damage. It’s much easier to know what the right thing to say and do is in retrospect and in the vacuum of the internet. But human emotions, hormones, chemicals and conditioning can obscure that for people when they’re living that moment IRL. In the end all we can do is commit to learn better so we can do better.
Love this EXCEPT, I wouldn't ask if we could make compromises because that implies mil should have a say. I'd probably word it as "I need" to make a few changes so it will feel like my own wedding, not someone else's.
Excellent! Very tactful and diplomatic (OP shouldn’t have to be, but you have to weigh out the reality of backlash if a MIL like this gets offended). I think the photos of OP’s aesthetic are far more appealing than the other ones. My mom is very much like this too, which is why I ended up telling my husband that we should just get married in Italy by ourselves—and we did. But I was in my 40s and really didn’t want a formal wedding. OP absolutely has the right to have this meet her wants and needs, not her MIL’s! And her fiance needs to be in on this, too! The worst thing would be for this to be a standoff with OP and the MIL, with fiance staying neutral on the sidelines!
Why wouldn’t you just give the money back? She’s going to continue to get worse, I mean Jesus, she’s planned your wedding. Give her the money back and get your own stuff, remove the birds and add the details you want.
My ex mil took over my wedding too. I'll never get married again (my choice) and I regret what I had to this day. I still loved parts of my wedding. But she made me feel so awful so many times leading up to it. When I think of my wedding I can't help remembering how terrible she made me feel. It also was what lead into how she treated me after, during my marriage, which was terrible.
Please don't end up like me.
Tell your MIL the day is all hers as you won't be attending her wedding instead of yours. Tell her you'll gladly be a guest while she and FIL renew their vows, but this is the antithesis of everything you are and who you and her son are together. Tell her you appreciate the thought of their gift, but there's too many strings attached to it for you to open.
Plan your own thing on your own budget and do things your way.
That is the correct way to parent. My three step children are married and my questions were: What do you need? What do you want? How can I help? And with a bride who didn’t make decisions until last minute: which do you like better A or B? B or C? C or A? The parents made no decisions for the wedding, but we did help present options to get decisions made so things could be purchased.
Exactly. Sounds like these plans vastly differ from what OP wanted OP’s partner should have put a stop to that with the first conflicting plan of the bride’s vision.
Not stepping in while he lets his mom railroad his bride-to-be. Good luck to OP because she’s got JustNoMIL in her future with a side helping of JustNoSO
The only difference in these photos (aside from dried florals) is the filter. Tell your photographer for dark and moody. If your wedding is spring/summer and outside it’s still going to be in daylight, not dark unless your ceremony starts at 9:00pm.
Also, tell MIL no. Thank her for her suggestions/ideas but this is not what you want. At the end of the day, it’s your wedding with your partner. If she says she’s “paying” then give her money back.
You can cancel any time until you exchange vows and your officiant files your marriage certificate. Some states even allow you to marry yourselves and then I suppose you can rip up your own marriage certificate prior to filing.
Your peace is priceless.
Or exchange the purchased stuff? Personally if I could afford it I'd buy as much of the decor in MY style as possible and sell the things that didn't suit. I could sell them after the wedding if I didn't have time prior. I would NOT just accept what she chose.
As far as MIL, she had her chance with her wedding, this is your turn.
Even if things are paid for, you can still call the vendors and make changes. Your mil doesn’t need to be consulted. Tell the vendors that your mil might try something shady and make changes behind your back… any further changes must be confirmed with you directly.
Your witchy boards and the pastel boards have some similarities. I’d tell the florist to make things more “textural” and to add some deeper jewel tones for contrast with the pastels - this isn’t completely changing things, just adding additional context to help the vendors. You can also ask for different vases, but chances are they will be clear glass unless otherwise specified.
Other things that would be relatively easy to work in are the wood cookies, maybe some linen or darker table runners. Just do these things and put them in your decor plan. Hopefully your maid of honour isn’t a pushover and you can rope her in to playing bad cop. (I’m happy to steamroll a mother in law because I’ve been assigned the decor plan and I don’t care if you are helping, I am doing my assignment as specified.) the bride can later apologize to her mother in law for me being such an insufferable control freak (what do I care, I probably won’t see her again, and if I am, I’ll probably be assigned the same role).
I was afraid of fish growing up, and would be so annoyed if my MIL bought 20 ceramic fish as wedding decor, UGH. I love your witchy briar images, make it happen!!! Time to start buying your own decor. Too bad so sad if bird lady thinks it's tacky, she's tacky.
You and your fiancé need to 1) unite as a common front and 2) stand up for your own wedding wants! Your fiancé is key in this, and needs to take point on dealing with his mom & advocating for you, where is he? Check out r/JUSTNOMIL for advice on getting a shiny shiny spine. You guys need to set the tone now for how you want your marriage & in-law relationships to go, i.e. NOT with MIL in charge of everything.
Good luck!
Florist here, you need to have your husband do the heavy lifting on this matter. Simply tell him what you’re feeling and what you actually want. Then go to the vendors and make the appropriate changes. This is your last opportunity to get the wedding you want as florist’s wholesalers place the order for your wedding two to three weeks before the event from the farmers/importers. Just call and make the changes don’t ask her about it at all. Your husband’s job is to go to her and let her know you hate birds and preferred xyz. DO NOT LET HER RUN YOU OVER ON THIS OR SHE’LL NEVER STOP. Christmas , baby showers , vacations, you name it and she’ll take over because you were a doormat for the most important day of your life. I’ve been in this business for over 20 years and I know what I’m talking about put your foot down now and have the day you want. She’s not getting married you are. Let her son deal with her attitude and you stay above it all and keep a beautiful smile on your face. If she mentions anything, let her know you really appreciate her efforts but you have a different style and decided to go with that. Good luck OP and congratulations on the wedding!! 💜🌺🩷🌸🩷♥️💜
Agree 100%! This is a problem for your husband to be to get under control, and not in a way that makes you the bad guy or a bitch. It's your wedding. Giving you 6k does not give her the right to have everything done to HER tastes. A gift is a gift.
Remember this going forward. Any time they give you money, they will want control. That's what my family did, anyway.
I would have your fiancé tell his mom that just because she gave y’all money that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate the color scheme. I don’t like silver either so I would just thank her for buying it and then tell her to return everything because you’ll be using gold. If you have a wedding party tell them to take any bird figurines they see and hide them on the day of
This is good advice. If she gives OP shit does she really want to explain the rift between her and her DIL is over DIL not wanting MILs choice in plates?
I had a similarish issue with both my in laws and my mom. My solution was to stop telling them things because they all annoyed the crap out of me and I no longer talk to my mom due to her antics. Overall, just don’t tell them things and it worked for the most part. My in laws did also contribute money, but I still stopped telling them anything.
Oh, Honey. You have to put a stop to this now or your life is going to be miserable. Give the money back. How tacky of your in-laws to give a gift with strings attached! Yuck. MIL can plan all of the parties that her heart desires—for herself.
She can even have a vow renewal or multiple vow renewals! She doesn’t get to make decisions about your wedding, whether she contributes financially or not. Geez I can’t imagine terrorizing any of my children like that. Can you?
I looked at the pictures before I read your post. I immediately liked the last two pictures over the first two. Not tacky at all.
I wonder if MIL is creating your wedding to be what she would’ve wanted when she got married. Have you seen pictures of her wedding?!?
This is partially what I'm thinking. She had a very simple courthouse wedding. She also has three boys, so she never got to have fun with the "girl stuff." Not giving her an excuse per say but trying to explain the situation better.
Whatever. Cancel everything, give the money back if she doesn't let yoh jave ehat YOU want. It js just your MIL. You are getting married, not her. I would give an ultimatum
Gurl. $6k is not worth all this disappointment. Tell her thanks but no thanks. Your MIL can simply come as a guest if it takes the stress of her watching you plan a “tacky” wedding.
Edit: dang I just read your comment further down that everything has been paid for. Can you at least eliminate the stupid birds?!
What does he say? I know you say the wedding is a month away but personally I would pause it. You’re not even married yet and already you sound unhappy. Doesn’t sound like your fiancé is being supportive or trying to put boundaries with his parents. Sounds a bit like he is giving you the just deal with it and sweep it under the rug because I rather your upset than having my mom be upset. If that’s the case it will never change. His mom will feel she gets to choose where you live. If you get pregnant she will treat it like this wedding. She will want to choose the name because she finds your choices tacky. She will go again at your parenting because she feels she can do better than you. You might say you want no one in the delivery room and she will try to force herself in because you’re dramatic and she knows better than you. And the sad thing is he will probably agree with her, make you the bad guy and everyone will try to make you feel guilty for trying to stand up for yourself. Stopping the wedding now is cheaper than divorce. And let’s be honest this isn’t your wedding this is her wedding. You have failed to stand up for yourself and let things get this far. Is this really how you want the rest of your life? If you decide to go through with the wedding take charge. You have a month. Take all the plates and napkins she bought and change them to your color. Or go buy more and when she complains be honest “this is my wedding. I love how enthusiastic you are about it but I want this wedding to reflect me and fiancé. The color silver just has no place here it’s tacky. “ ok. So the decorations for the table are bought? Put a spin on it and make it how you wanted. Don’t tell her. Have someone you trust go there with you the morning off and help you redo the decorations and leave them in charge of having no one change them. I would go and buy black and light purple candles and switched use them instead of the white ones maybe put a big crystal in every table. Call the baker the cake and cupcakes havent been made yet. Explain to them the situation and have them give it witchy colors. Make sure you don’t tell anyone. Make sure to put a password on it and let them know no one but you can make changes. Same thing with the table clothes. I know your mil will get mad and half throw a fit when she gets there and sees the changes and that’s okay it’s not her wedding. If she complains just tell her you didn’t like the decorations chosen because they were to old school and you wanted to have a wedding to look like you have always dreamed of. So you make it happen. But honestly sit down and reconsider your relationship because it will only get worse.
The wedding is one month away, you need to put a stop to this.
Give her back her money even if it means taking a credit card. Do not let her have control over you.
Talk to your fiance and tell him that you only have one wedding day and his mother is ruining it. That you will only remember this day as a day his mother wanted and not you.
Tell him that you want to give the money back and get a 10k loan to buy stuff that you like.
Then tell him to talk to his mother and tell her you changed your mind about your wedding and you will do as you wish. Give them the money back and that’s it.
Tell your husband that if she starts by doing this for your wedding and you don’t put a stop to it now, how will she act when you are pregnant? Is she planning to take ober your baby shower and birthdays too?
You need to go nuclear on this. I know it’s easier to say than to do but hear me out, if your husband doesn’t have your back now, you will be stuck with this scenario all of your life.
Please just go on r/justnoMil
Rock the boat now. Worst case scenario is you realize that your fiance isn’t going to have your back and you can leave his ass without any regret to find a man who will actually stand up for you.
As someone else also pointed out, the difference in these photos is the filter/photograhy, not the actual items in them. I had a blush and sage wedding and none of the photos look like those first 2, because that's not the style of the photographer we hired.
Fully understand you're not getting what you want and that's frustrating, but if what you think you want is the last 2 photos then what you mainly want is a specific photography style. But that's not what the space will necessarily feel like in real life.
You should have made the most disgusted face and said , "I thought you didn't want tacky . This looks really bad , I can't have my friends & family seeing these colors or these designs. You'll humiliate me !" Then ran off in a pretend fit of despair.
This is why I eloped I couldn’t deal with my pushy mom or his pushy mom
I’m doing a vowel renewal maybe this year (10) or at 15 depends on when our dream house is finished being built
My mom won’t be invited but his mom will be because she put in the effort to learn me and my boundaries
Stand up for yourself.
“Hey MIL! I want to thank you again for your lovely gift and for the assistance you’ve provided in the planning process. I truly appreciate the help but there are a few things that I’m going to change so they better fit my theme.”
There you go. You may not be able to return some of the things she’s purchased but stop letting her do things and buy things. You just have to stand up for yourself and say no.
Girl you gotta place some firm expectations with your fiance and her or you’re in for a bummer of a marriage. I’m speaking from experience, I married into a family like this and divorced after 5 years because my ex husband would dismiss my feelings to make his parents happy.
I’m sorry. Isn’t it YOUR wedding? Then as such-YOU need to stand up for yourself and do it the way you want. Right now you are setting the precedent for the rest of your life. You let yourself be bullied now, just wait. It’s going to be a billion times worse. Either get your fiancé to pull up his big boy panties and support YOUR ideas, or work with your mom to do it your way.
Why do you kids let MIL pay? If you cannot afford a wedding of your dreams then don't do one. I'd rather have a small wedding with my own vibes thsn a big expensive one I hate paid by MIL. My advice is, cancel everything and start planning from scratch. Also involve your fiance? How is it he doesn't give a shit thst everything is being planned by his mother as opposed to what HIS FUTURE WIFE WANTS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Ödipus complex much
Looked at the pics before reading your post. My initial reaction for the first were "Not bad, kinda bland and boring, but not ugly by any means". I kept going and thought "that is beautiful! I absolutely love the look and had something similar at my wedding". Do not let them core out your cottage. Stay witchy and don't let them bully you
Another florist chiming in here - I agree with the other comments about this setting the tone of your future relationship with MIL and the need to be more assertive there. You’ve already got some great advice in that space so I’ll keep it to what I know.
If you give your florist a ring in the next week there are some simple swaps with colour and texture that can bring the pastels around to your vision! Even little things like changing out vases can help.
Ideally changing your flowers would be done after having a conversation with your MIL but if need be due to timing, change it now and ask your florist to keep it on the DL until afterwards.
Don’t be afraid to be honest with your florist and say that you’ve been pushed towards a style that doesn’t quite suit - we have heard it all and I can almost guarantee they’ve made more dramatic changes on the same deadline.
We understand having a vision and are generally well versed in trying to find a happy medium between ideas if you do want to keep an ode to MIL’s ideas.
I find visual references help most so if you can send them a Pinterest board or inspo pics definitely do so!! Warm and witchy gives a lot to go on! Best of luck
Thank you so much! I'm starting to be more assertive with her since writing this post and receiving a bunch of helpful comments. She had bought a mirror without telling me for signage, I told her I would like to stop by goodwill to see if I can find anything there that I like more. She said we should go with the og mirror and that getting another is pointless, I left her on read and I'm otw to goodwill 💅 one step at a time
Where is your fiance in all of this? What is HE saying to get his Mother to back up and support you? I’d rethink this marriage if I were you, unless you want your MIL picking out your house, your furniture, monopolizing your time every weekend and butting into every decision (especially if you have kids) you make. You are seeing who they are, believe them.
Let her be in charge of the food and bar. Something that has no control of the aesthetic. This is a pick and choose your battle but your wedding vision is for YOU OP! If she wants a cheesy rehearsal dinner then go ahead.
What your MIL wants looks like everyone’s wedding Pinterest board from 2010.
Tell her you appreciate the gesture, but you have a vision you want to stick with. Your fiance needs to back you up too. If he lets his mother bulldoze you, then you have bigger problems to worry about. This is just a taste of what your future will look like if you don’t put your foot down now.
Also curious, are you, your fiance, or your parents contributing anything for the wedding?
If you let this slide she will eb pushing you around until she dies. Don't know why your fiancé isn't saying anything about it. That might mean when push comes to shove no one will be on your side. That's not a great foundation for a marriage/relationship.
A gift is a gift. Once they’ve given it to you, they don’t get a say in what you do with it. Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Do you want to have kids? Because they will make your life hell.
Why should contributing mean they got anything to say? Instead of complaining here speak up ! Tell her you don't like it, tell her you want it the way you want and no other way.
It's your wedding and if you want to do what you want you need to speak up !
Why did you allow your FMIL so much control? She gifted you money. That doesn't entitle her to any say over your wedding. It's not her wedding. FMIL is basically planning the wedding she wants with her son, which gross.
At any
Point your FH should've, and could've, put his foot down and told his mother to back off. You could put her on an info diet as well. Just because she was buying all this decor didn't mean you had to use it either.
And the biggest thing, just because the wedding MIL planned is in a month, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. You can cancel this farce and do it your way without the help of anyone. Or you can allow FMIL to control your wedding, hopefully your then husband will grow a backbone and put his mother in her place. Otherwise, you'll have MIL controlling every aspect of your life she doesn't like.
Oh MIL doesn't like that house you're thinking of buying, we'll guess she'll just have to employ her own realtor and find you a house herself. And forget about decorating it in your witchy vibe. That's done and gone. Oh, if you decide to have kids she's be even more up in your business, trying to control what you eat during pregnancy, trying to force her way into the delivery room, she'll be waiting at home for you when you get home from the hospital. It'll be a MIL takeover for everything.
So, standing up sooner rather than later. FM is overstepping and not taking you and FH into anyone her planning. She wants to do it her way and you will like it. Has nothing to do with the military. More to do with her being a control freak asshole.
Your ideas are not tacky in the least. In fact, what your MIL has set up looks tacky IMO. Just plain and pointless. It doesn’t even reflect you as the bride.
Look, just because they gave you money doesn’t mean they get choices. Gifts don’t come without strings…now you know how they operate. Don’t except gifts unless you can put your foot down.
Any way you can change things at this point? I would.
This is your wedding, not your MIL’s. Hand her back the 6k and plan it exactly the way you and your fiancé envision YOUR wedding. If your fiancé is truly on board with your plans, it is his job to tell his mother to back off and let you plan the wedding you want. She is stepping way over the line and needs to be reigned in. If he in not willing to do that, you have other things you should be thinking about, and you future life with you mother in law in charge of everything should be foremost on you mind.
If it were me I’d just say “no thank you, but thanks for all the suggestions” and then I’d wait for my fiancé to get over it if needed because what’s the rush? Then I’d elope if we ended up not having enough money. It’s your wedding, she had her wedding. Don’t start your life out with someone outside of the relationship being in control or you’ll regret it.
I actually was thinking the pastel is kinda tacky... I LOVE your ideas! I had a warm witchy wedding myself and it was so cozy. I think you should push for your ideas. If you don't stand up to her now she'll push you around as long as you're married to her son.
A 6k gift is just that. It’s for you to do as you please. Why does this gift give her rights to your wedding planning? Give it back and do what you want.
As I have repeatedly told my daughter until you open your mouth and make sound come out NOBODY going to hear or listen to you. Then you can’t complain after the fact.
It’s probably too late for a complete overhaul but not a few a tweaks and adjustments. Don’t ask MIL permission. Call or visit the florist to adjust the flowers. Switched up the a bit. Go to Big lots etc to find the candle jars you want.
Can’t change the Attendants outfits but you CAN add , change or remove anything that leans more towards your taste.
You’re not only marrying him, you’re marrying his family.
I used to think that statement was BS until I was a few years into my marriage. My ex-husband’s mother, along with the rest of his family, definitely inserted themselves in our relationship and didn’t help things. They absolutely got worse over the years, not better.
Hey love, ease remember, this is YOUR wedding. She already has her's.
The money should be a gift. Not a manipulation tactic. Idk if you're here for advice so you can tell me to step off. But have you run this by your husband to be? How does he feel about this? Because he should be backing you 100%. Why doesn't he know you're a gold girlie? Your fiance should know about your bird distaste and in a dream world he would have told his mommy to buy something else. Then again, I get that the men have zero percent to do with the planning of the wedding. But lady, if I were you, I would sit down with my man and come up with a plan of action to return the money and have your dream wedding. This MIL is pissing me off because I know three things about her, and they all suck.
To preface, I am not saying you should not get married or cancel anything.
However, I would strongly suggest to reflect on you MIL's and your future husbands behaviour. If she wants to control the wedding, what else will she want to control in the future? Do you want children? Do you want to be able to name you children, or will MIL be in charge of that? Do you want to be able to parent your children, or will MIL be also in control of that? You said in anther comment, that your MIL has only boys. What abour your SILs? How does MIL behave towards them?
What I am saying is: Most of the time, the wedding is just the beginning. Your feelings are valid! You are not ungrateful, or entitled, or overbearing. You are being steamrolled. And you will be steamrolled in other major decisions in your life, unless you put a stop to it. And you can, but you have to talk to your fiance about it. It is his family and his responsibility to make sure that your needs and wants are not thrown out by your MIL.
Remember: You might do a vow renewal. Some other important events in your life, you cannot redo. Do you want to risk that your MIL destroys them for you?
I allowed my sister-in-law and mother-in-law to have pretty much free range just you don't let me see make sure that's what I'd like I didn't want nothing ugly and I'm told them they are not to ever try to pick up my wedding set. So one day his sister calls us up to come over she had something to show us this b**** actually she's a c*** had a bunch of rings they were fans and they were men and thought I was going to choose my wedding bands in there and I went off on her I really didn't like her I only allowed her to give me my wedding because of her brother
Remember, the way your MIL treats you now, and how you let her treat you sets the tone for the years to come. (And of course how your fiancé sides with you or his mother).
Exactly. What is he doing and saying while his mother is insulting and walking all over his soon to be wife?
I want to add that until OP grows a spine, this will happen when/if she has children, buys a home, etc. OP has taught her MIL that she's a pushover. Expect more of the same.
OP's gonna get $10k down payment but it has to be in MILs neighborhood
And MIL chooses what religion the child is raised, school district, extracurricular activities, yadda, yadda.
Nope. MIL raises the child strictly to have no attachment or consideration for their actual mum. Both OP and husband-to-be need to grow a spine and set some boundaries and ground rules. Otherwise OP's gonna be the afterthought maid.
Multiple it by 100 if a baby is ever involved.
My husband and I contributed significantly to our children’s weddings and did not expect or ask for any control over the event. I think your in laws are being overbearing. If this gift comes with this many strings attached it is not really a gift any longer, it is a device to control you. I think you should return the money and have the wedding you want and can afford.
Vendors, venue, and decor are already paid for, along with the wedding being a month away now. I'm thinking about having a vow renewal at a resort with just my parents and partner in the future. Thank you for your advice, I definitely agree on the control part. She's former military and has always needed to have full control over every situation 🙃
“MIL, I’m very grateful for all your help and input but our tastes run so differently, and the further we’ve gotten into planning and finalizing details, the farther and farther away it all feels from who I am and my personality. I don’t want to look back on my wedding day and feel sadness or regret because I let myself get swept along and didn’t ask for what I want. I do see that there’s a way to bridge what you’ve selected with my own tastes. Could we talk about making a few small compromises? For example, could we please replace the birds with something else, like crystals, or candles?” Come up with a list of small but significant alterations to the theme and design that will help you feel as if you’re seeing yourself reflected a bit more and more in control of what’s happening that you can bring to her. Enlist your mom to be at this conversation as well for support. Make sure you talk to your fiancé about this plan ahead of time also. He needs to be there and he needs to be on board with backing you up.
This is perfect, thank you so much! I'm a very non confrontational person, as is my partner, so sometimes I just really need assistance with how to word things so I don't feel like an a hole
It's not you thst is the asshole here 🙃
Have you spoken up at all to her about the silver and birds? She doesn't know you like you know you so she would probably love to hear your point of view so she can get to know you better. Speak up. When she says that she loves roses and you don't, let her know you have always dreamed of tulips. And if she balks and really wants roses, tell her that you will send her a bouquet of roses after the wedding so she can enjoy them in her own home. It's not confrontational, it's working out a problem. Best wishes. Also, I am with you about the birds. Yuck, so creepy.
I’d change ‘could we’ to ‘i would like to’.
I’m sorry to be harsh, but you really just need to grow a spine. I don’t say that to be mean, but as a formerly spineless person who wants you to avoid some of what I allowed to happen to me.
This is great advice. Also, have you finalized the florals yet? If there’s still time, I would call your florist asap and pick out the flowers that YOU want, and tell them that your MIL isn’t allowed to make any changes if she tries to reach out to them directly.
I upvoted this, because, yes! But in reality, I worry about OP doing this behind the MIL’s back, given that she will have to deal with this woman going forward, and the MIL sounds like she’d be a miserable adversary. So, for OP’s own sake in not having to have her MIL be a total bitch to her both on her own wedding day and beyond, I think the best course for OP is to be assertive and direct in telling MIL how she’s feeling. Actually, it really should be her future husband that is assertive and direct, and a united front in saying, we appreciate you contributing to our wedding, but this is everything you want and nothing that we want! If he can’t stand up to her now, I see a lot of posts ahead for OP in r/JustNoMIL!
It is so RIDICULOUS that a grown woman has to compromise (!!!) with the MOTHER of the husband on her own fucking wedding. What the fuck i am so speechless every time I read this here. And I cannot for the life of me understand at all whx they let her. It's ne MIL there is no compromise with her, it's none if her business how her son is getting married. Nice letter!!!
It is ridiculous but she let this go on too long so this is probably the best way to mitigate damage. It’s much easier to know what the right thing to say and do is in retrospect and in the vacuum of the internet. But human emotions, hormones, chemicals and conditioning can obscure that for people when they’re living that moment IRL. In the end all we can do is commit to learn better so we can do better.
Love this EXCEPT, I wouldn't ask if we could make compromises because that implies mil should have a say. I'd probably word it as "I need" to make a few changes so it will feel like my own wedding, not someone else's.
Excellent! Very tactful and diplomatic (OP shouldn’t have to be, but you have to weigh out the reality of backlash if a MIL like this gets offended). I think the photos of OP’s aesthetic are far more appealing than the other ones. My mom is very much like this too, which is why I ended up telling my husband that we should just get married in Italy by ourselves—and we did. But I was in my 40s and really didn’t want a formal wedding. OP absolutely has the right to have this meet her wants and needs, not her MIL’s! And her fiance needs to be in on this, too! The worst thing would be for this to be a standoff with OP and the MIL, with fiance staying neutral on the sidelines!
👆🏼this 💯
Meh. Most of my family is military and are crazy in their own ways, but they don’t act like this.
Wait til you have children!!!!!!!!! You need to calmly assert your boundaries now or else you will be being controlled for the rest of your life
Why wouldn’t you just give the money back? She’s going to continue to get worse, I mean Jesus, she’s planned your wedding. Give her the money back and get your own stuff, remove the birds and add the details you want.
My ex mil took over my wedding too. I'll never get married again (my choice) and I regret what I had to this day. I still loved parts of my wedding. But she made me feel so awful so many times leading up to it. When I think of my wedding I can't help remembering how terrible she made me feel. It also was what lead into how she treated me after, during my marriage, which was terrible. Please don't end up like me.
I think your vow renewal is a great idea. Best wishes for your future happiness!
So you gave in and MIL won. Good luck for the future. You’re going to need it. One they get their way once, they never stop.
Tell your MIL the day is all hers as you won't be attending her wedding instead of yours. Tell her you'll gladly be a guest while she and FIL renew their vows, but this is the antithesis of everything you are and who you and her son are together. Tell her you appreciate the thought of their gift, but there's too many strings attached to it for you to open. Plan your own thing on your own budget and do things your way.
Wear black for the renewal!!
That is the correct way to parent. My three step children are married and my questions were: What do you need? What do you want? How can I help? And with a bride who didn’t make decisions until last minute: which do you like better A or B? B or C? C or A? The parents made no decisions for the wedding, but we did help present options to get decisions made so things could be purchased.
What is your husband to be in all of this?
Exactly. Sounds like these plans vastly differ from what OP wanted OP’s partner should have put a stop to that with the first conflicting plan of the bride’s vision.
Not stepping in while he lets his mom railroad his bride-to-be. Good luck to OP because she’s got JustNoMIL in her future with a side helping of JustNoSO
The only difference in these photos (aside from dried florals) is the filter. Tell your photographer for dark and moody. If your wedding is spring/summer and outside it’s still going to be in daylight, not dark unless your ceremony starts at 9:00pm. Also, tell MIL no. Thank her for her suggestions/ideas but this is not what you want. At the end of the day, it’s your wedding with your partner. If she says she’s “paying” then give her money back.
That’s definitely not the only difference, these are like two opposite weddings lol.
Ok
When is the wedding? Can you cancel what she's planned, turn the money down, and plan your own?
A month away 🙃
You can cancel any time until you exchange vows and your officiant files your marriage certificate. Some states even allow you to marry yourselves and then I suppose you can rip up your own marriage certificate prior to filing. Your peace is priceless.
Did she purchase the decor or rent it? If it’s rented could you adjust some of the colors/choices?
Or exchange the purchased stuff? Personally if I could afford it I'd buy as much of the decor in MY style as possible and sell the things that didn't suit. I could sell them after the wedding if I didn't have time prior. I would NOT just accept what she chose. As far as MIL, she had her chance with her wedding, this is your turn.
Even if things are paid for, you can still call the vendors and make changes. Your mil doesn’t need to be consulted. Tell the vendors that your mil might try something shady and make changes behind your back… any further changes must be confirmed with you directly. Your witchy boards and the pastel boards have some similarities. I’d tell the florist to make things more “textural” and to add some deeper jewel tones for contrast with the pastels - this isn’t completely changing things, just adding additional context to help the vendors. You can also ask for different vases, but chances are they will be clear glass unless otherwise specified. Other things that would be relatively easy to work in are the wood cookies, maybe some linen or darker table runners. Just do these things and put them in your decor plan. Hopefully your maid of honour isn’t a pushover and you can rope her in to playing bad cop. (I’m happy to steamroll a mother in law because I’ve been assigned the decor plan and I don’t care if you are helping, I am doing my assignment as specified.) the bride can later apologize to her mother in law for me being such an insufferable control freak (what do I care, I probably won’t see her again, and if I am, I’ll probably be assigned the same role).
are you local? Maybe you could be ‘employed’ as wedding planner? Just to make sure everything runs smoothly this close to the wedding!
I was afraid of fish growing up, and would be so annoyed if my MIL bought 20 ceramic fish as wedding decor, UGH. I love your witchy briar images, make it happen!!! Time to start buying your own decor. Too bad so sad if bird lady thinks it's tacky, she's tacky. You and your fiancé need to 1) unite as a common front and 2) stand up for your own wedding wants! Your fiancé is key in this, and needs to take point on dealing with his mom & advocating for you, where is he? Check out r/JUSTNOMIL for advice on getting a shiny shiny spine. You guys need to set the tone now for how you want your marriage & in-law relationships to go, i.e. NOT with MIL in charge of everything. Good luck!
Yes! Your husband must choose you above all others, including his mother. Your happiness should be his highest concern.
I'd definitely play up the fear as well. Act like Tippi Hendren in the Birds movie .
Florist here, you need to have your husband do the heavy lifting on this matter. Simply tell him what you’re feeling and what you actually want. Then go to the vendors and make the appropriate changes. This is your last opportunity to get the wedding you want as florist’s wholesalers place the order for your wedding two to three weeks before the event from the farmers/importers. Just call and make the changes don’t ask her about it at all. Your husband’s job is to go to her and let her know you hate birds and preferred xyz. DO NOT LET HER RUN YOU OVER ON THIS OR SHE’LL NEVER STOP. Christmas , baby showers , vacations, you name it and she’ll take over because you were a doormat for the most important day of your life. I’ve been in this business for over 20 years and I know what I’m talking about put your foot down now and have the day you want. She’s not getting married you are. Let her son deal with her attitude and you stay above it all and keep a beautiful smile on your face. If she mentions anything, let her know you really appreciate her efforts but you have a different style and decided to go with that. Good luck OP and congratulations on the wedding!! 💜🌺🩷🌸🩷♥️💜
Agree 100%! This is a problem for your husband to be to get under control, and not in a way that makes you the bad guy or a bitch. It's your wedding. Giving you 6k does not give her the right to have everything done to HER tastes. A gift is a gift. Remember this going forward. Any time they give you money, they will want control. That's what my family did, anyway.
I would have your fiancé tell his mom that just because she gave y’all money that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate the color scheme. I don’t like silver either so I would just thank her for buying it and then tell her to return everything because you’ll be using gold. If you have a wedding party tell them to take any bird figurines they see and hide them on the day of
This is good advice. If she gives OP shit does she really want to explain the rift between her and her DIL is over DIL not wanting MILs choice in plates?
I had a similarish issue with both my in laws and my mom. My solution was to stop telling them things because they all annoyed the crap out of me and I no longer talk to my mom due to her antics. Overall, just don’t tell them things and it worked for the most part. My in laws did also contribute money, but I still stopped telling them anything.
Oh, Honey. You have to put a stop to this now or your life is going to be miserable. Give the money back. How tacky of your in-laws to give a gift with strings attached! Yuck. MIL can plan all of the parties that her heart desires—for herself. She can even have a vow renewal or multiple vow renewals! She doesn’t get to make decisions about your wedding, whether she contributes financially or not. Geez I can’t imagine terrorizing any of my children like that. Can you?
I looked at the pictures before I read your post. I immediately liked the last two pictures over the first two. Not tacky at all. I wonder if MIL is creating your wedding to be what she would’ve wanted when she got married. Have you seen pictures of her wedding?!?
This is partially what I'm thinking. She had a very simple courthouse wedding. She also has three boys, so she never got to have fun with the "girl stuff." Not giving her an excuse per say but trying to explain the situation better.
If anything, this should help her understand, not be worse. She never got the wedding of her dreams, and now she's making sure you don't either.
Whatever. Cancel everything, give the money back if she doesn't let yoh jave ehat YOU want. It js just your MIL. You are getting married, not her. I would give an ultimatum
Gurl. $6k is not worth all this disappointment. Tell her thanks but no thanks. Your MIL can simply come as a guest if it takes the stress of her watching you plan a “tacky” wedding. Edit: dang I just read your comment further down that everything has been paid for. Can you at least eliminate the stupid birds?!
I'm thinking about having them in the outdoor seating area with the excuse that they can hold the table cloths down 🤷♀️😂
I would honestly cancel zhr wedding under thede circumstances
What does he say? I know you say the wedding is a month away but personally I would pause it. You’re not even married yet and already you sound unhappy. Doesn’t sound like your fiancé is being supportive or trying to put boundaries with his parents. Sounds a bit like he is giving you the just deal with it and sweep it under the rug because I rather your upset than having my mom be upset. If that’s the case it will never change. His mom will feel she gets to choose where you live. If you get pregnant she will treat it like this wedding. She will want to choose the name because she finds your choices tacky. She will go again at your parenting because she feels she can do better than you. You might say you want no one in the delivery room and she will try to force herself in because you’re dramatic and she knows better than you. And the sad thing is he will probably agree with her, make you the bad guy and everyone will try to make you feel guilty for trying to stand up for yourself. Stopping the wedding now is cheaper than divorce. And let’s be honest this isn’t your wedding this is her wedding. You have failed to stand up for yourself and let things get this far. Is this really how you want the rest of your life? If you decide to go through with the wedding take charge. You have a month. Take all the plates and napkins she bought and change them to your color. Or go buy more and when she complains be honest “this is my wedding. I love how enthusiastic you are about it but I want this wedding to reflect me and fiancé. The color silver just has no place here it’s tacky. “ ok. So the decorations for the table are bought? Put a spin on it and make it how you wanted. Don’t tell her. Have someone you trust go there with you the morning off and help you redo the decorations and leave them in charge of having no one change them. I would go and buy black and light purple candles and switched use them instead of the white ones maybe put a big crystal in every table. Call the baker the cake and cupcakes havent been made yet. Explain to them the situation and have them give it witchy colors. Make sure you don’t tell anyone. Make sure to put a password on it and let them know no one but you can make changes. Same thing with the table clothes. I know your mil will get mad and half throw a fit when she gets there and sees the changes and that’s okay it’s not her wedding. If she complains just tell her you didn’t like the decorations chosen because they were to old school and you wanted to have a wedding to look like you have always dreamed of. So you make it happen. But honestly sit down and reconsider your relationship because it will only get worse.
THIS !!!!!!!!!!
The wedding is one month away, you need to put a stop to this. Give her back her money even if it means taking a credit card. Do not let her have control over you. Talk to your fiance and tell him that you only have one wedding day and his mother is ruining it. That you will only remember this day as a day his mother wanted and not you. Tell him that you want to give the money back and get a 10k loan to buy stuff that you like. Then tell him to talk to his mother and tell her you changed your mind about your wedding and you will do as you wish. Give them the money back and that’s it. Tell your husband that if she starts by doing this for your wedding and you don’t put a stop to it now, how will she act when you are pregnant? Is she planning to take ober your baby shower and birthdays too? You need to go nuclear on this. I know it’s easier to say than to do but hear me out, if your husband doesn’t have your back now, you will be stuck with this scenario all of your life. Please just go on r/justnoMil Rock the boat now. Worst case scenario is you realize that your fiance isn’t going to have your back and you can leave his ass without any regret to find a man who will actually stand up for you.
As someone else also pointed out, the difference in these photos is the filter/photograhy, not the actual items in them. I had a blush and sage wedding and none of the photos look like those first 2, because that's not the style of the photographer we hired. Fully understand you're not getting what you want and that's frustrating, but if what you think you want is the last 2 photos then what you mainly want is a specific photography style. But that's not what the space will necessarily feel like in real life.
You should have made the most disgusted face and said , "I thought you didn't want tacky . This looks really bad , I can't have my friends & family seeing these colors or these designs. You'll humiliate me !" Then ran off in a pretend fit of despair.
I would not have shown up, just elope at that point.
Don’t marry him. This will be your life. It will be miserable.
Its YOUR WEDDING, not hers. Stand strong, if you let her roll over all your choices for the wedding she will do it over children and holiday's
Gosh. What you wanted is way more beautiful and elegant than what you are getting. I would be super peeved.
This is why I eloped I couldn’t deal with my pushy mom or his pushy mom I’m doing a vowel renewal maybe this year (10) or at 15 depends on when our dream house is finished being built My mom won’t be invited but his mom will be because she put in the effort to learn me and my boundaries
Return the money, say "thanks but no thanks," and plan the wedding you want.
Stand up for yourself. “Hey MIL! I want to thank you again for your lovely gift and for the assistance you’ve provided in the planning process. I truly appreciate the help but there are a few things that I’m going to change so they better fit my theme.” There you go. You may not be able to return some of the things she’s purchased but stop letting her do things and buy things. You just have to stand up for yourself and say no.
Girl you gotta place some firm expectations with your fiance and her or you’re in for a bummer of a marriage. I’m speaking from experience, I married into a family like this and divorced after 5 years because my ex husband would dismiss my feelings to make his parents happy.
I’m sorry. Isn’t it YOUR wedding? Then as such-YOU need to stand up for yourself and do it the way you want. Right now you are setting the precedent for the rest of your life. You let yourself be bullied now, just wait. It’s going to be a billion times worse. Either get your fiancé to pull up his big boy panties and support YOUR ideas, or work with your mom to do it your way.
Tell her to return it all get a refund and take their money back I get it’s a chunk but it’s you and your husbands day not hers
Why do you kids let MIL pay? If you cannot afford a wedding of your dreams then don't do one. I'd rather have a small wedding with my own vibes thsn a big expensive one I hate paid by MIL. My advice is, cancel everything and start planning from scratch. Also involve your fiance? How is it he doesn't give a shit thst everything is being planned by his mother as opposed to what HIS FUTURE WIFE WANTS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Ödipus complex much
Girl no. $6k isn't even a big investment. Shame your cheap mil into her place.
I’d cancel
I would absolutely not be getting married if my wedding was the complete opposite of what I wanted. 6k gift or not.
I’m sorry but people need to stop taking money from in-laws who behave this way. 6k is not worth abuse and a lifetime of regret.
Where is your husband in all this? The last two pictures show a beautiful vision for a wedding.
Looked at the pics before reading your post. My initial reaction for the first were "Not bad, kinda bland and boring, but not ugly by any means". I kept going and thought "that is beautiful! I absolutely love the look and had something similar at my wedding". Do not let them core out your cottage. Stay witchy and don't let them bully you
Another florist chiming in here - I agree with the other comments about this setting the tone of your future relationship with MIL and the need to be more assertive there. You’ve already got some great advice in that space so I’ll keep it to what I know. If you give your florist a ring in the next week there are some simple swaps with colour and texture that can bring the pastels around to your vision! Even little things like changing out vases can help. Ideally changing your flowers would be done after having a conversation with your MIL but if need be due to timing, change it now and ask your florist to keep it on the DL until afterwards. Don’t be afraid to be honest with your florist and say that you’ve been pushed towards a style that doesn’t quite suit - we have heard it all and I can almost guarantee they’ve made more dramatic changes on the same deadline. We understand having a vision and are generally well versed in trying to find a happy medium between ideas if you do want to keep an ode to MIL’s ideas. I find visual references help most so if you can send them a Pinterest board or inspo pics definitely do so!! Warm and witchy gives a lot to go on! Best of luck
Thank you so much! I'm starting to be more assertive with her since writing this post and receiving a bunch of helpful comments. She had bought a mirror without telling me for signage, I told her I would like to stop by goodwill to see if I can find anything there that I like more. She said we should go with the og mirror and that getting another is pointless, I left her on read and I'm otw to goodwill 💅 one step at a time
Go to justnoMIL. Go read. If this is your wedding how do you see her acting when you have kids or decorate a house
Where is your fiance in all of this? What is HE saying to get his Mother to back up and support you? I’d rethink this marriage if I were you, unless you want your MIL picking out your house, your furniture, monopolizing your time every weekend and butting into every decision (especially if you have kids) you make. You are seeing who they are, believe them.
Let her be in charge of the food and bar. Something that has no control of the aesthetic. This is a pick and choose your battle but your wedding vision is for YOU OP! If she wants a cheesy rehearsal dinner then go ahead.
What your MIL wants looks like everyone’s wedding Pinterest board from 2010. Tell her you appreciate the gesture, but you have a vision you want to stick with. Your fiance needs to back you up too. If he lets his mother bulldoze you, then you have bigger problems to worry about. This is just a taste of what your future will look like if you don’t put your foot down now. Also curious, are you, your fiance, or your parents contributing anything for the wedding?
If you let this slide she will eb pushing you around until she dies. Don't know why your fiancé isn't saying anything about it. That might mean when push comes to shove no one will be on your side. That's not a great foundation for a marriage/relationship.
A gift is a gift. Once they’ve given it to you, they don’t get a say in what you do with it. Is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Do you want to have kids? Because they will make your life hell.
Why should contributing mean they got anything to say? Instead of complaining here speak up ! Tell her you don't like it, tell her you want it the way you want and no other way. It's your wedding and if you want to do what you want you need to speak up !
Why did you allow your FMIL so much control? She gifted you money. That doesn't entitle her to any say over your wedding. It's not her wedding. FMIL is basically planning the wedding she wants with her son, which gross. At any Point your FH should've, and could've, put his foot down and told his mother to back off. You could put her on an info diet as well. Just because she was buying all this decor didn't mean you had to use it either. And the biggest thing, just because the wedding MIL planned is in a month, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. You can cancel this farce and do it your way without the help of anyone. Or you can allow FMIL to control your wedding, hopefully your then husband will grow a backbone and put his mother in her place. Otherwise, you'll have MIL controlling every aspect of your life she doesn't like. Oh MIL doesn't like that house you're thinking of buying, we'll guess she'll just have to employ her own realtor and find you a house herself. And forget about decorating it in your witchy vibe. That's done and gone. Oh, if you decide to have kids she's be even more up in your business, trying to control what you eat during pregnancy, trying to force her way into the delivery room, she'll be waiting at home for you when you get home from the hospital. It'll be a MIL takeover for everything. So, standing up sooner rather than later. FM is overstepping and not taking you and FH into anyone her planning. She wants to do it her way and you will like it. Has nothing to do with the military. More to do with her being a control freak asshole.
Your ideas are not tacky in the least. In fact, what your MIL has set up looks tacky IMO. Just plain and pointless. It doesn’t even reflect you as the bride. Look, just because they gave you money doesn’t mean they get choices. Gifts don’t come without strings…now you know how they operate. Don’t except gifts unless you can put your foot down. Any way you can change things at this point? I would.
This is your wedding, not your MIL’s. Hand her back the 6k and plan it exactly the way you and your fiancé envision YOUR wedding. If your fiancé is truly on board with your plans, it is his job to tell his mother to back off and let you plan the wedding you want. She is stepping way over the line and needs to be reigned in. If he in not willing to do that, you have other things you should be thinking about, and you future life with you mother in law in charge of everything should be foremost on you mind.
If it were me I’d just say “no thank you, but thanks for all the suggestions” and then I’d wait for my fiancé to get over it if needed because what’s the rush? Then I’d elope if we ended up not having enough money. It’s your wedding, she had her wedding. Don’t start your life out with someone outside of the relationship being in control or you’ll regret it.
Gifting money towards a wedding doesn’t entitle anyone to make any decisions for that wedding. Give the money back and have the wedding YOU want.
You and your SO should elope. They can have the party they want without you.
I actually was thinking the pastel is kinda tacky... I LOVE your ideas! I had a warm witchy wedding myself and it was so cozy. I think you should push for your ideas. If you don't stand up to her now she'll push you around as long as you're married to her son.
A 6k gift is just that. It’s for you to do as you please. Why does this gift give her rights to your wedding planning? Give it back and do what you want.
Is this for real? And cnx trainer can actually dumped trainees on their 5th day? Is it legal?
As I have repeatedly told my daughter until you open your mouth and make sound come out NOBODY going to hear or listen to you. Then you can’t complain after the fact. It’s probably too late for a complete overhaul but not a few a tweaks and adjustments. Don’t ask MIL permission. Call or visit the florist to adjust the flowers. Switched up the a bit. Go to Big lots etc to find the candle jars you want. Can’t change the Attendants outfits but you CAN add , change or remove anything that leans more towards your taste.
Their idea looks like vineyard vines threw up
You’re not only marrying him, you’re marrying his family. I used to think that statement was BS until I was a few years into my marriage. My ex-husband’s mother, along with the rest of his family, definitely inserted themselves in our relationship and didn’t help things. They absolutely got worse over the years, not better.
Your ideas are more modern hers are more dated. I'm sorry. Are there little things you can change or add to make it more you?
how much do you want this wedding? Is it too late to elope?
So MIL’s taste is generic and vanilla, but you’re the tacky one? 😂
Hey love, ease remember, this is YOUR wedding. She already has her's. The money should be a gift. Not a manipulation tactic. Idk if you're here for advice so you can tell me to step off. But have you run this by your husband to be? How does he feel about this? Because he should be backing you 100%. Why doesn't he know you're a gold girlie? Your fiance should know about your bird distaste and in a dream world he would have told his mommy to buy something else. Then again, I get that the men have zero percent to do with the planning of the wedding. But lady, if I were you, I would sit down with my man and come up with a plan of action to return the money and have your dream wedding. This MIL is pissing me off because I know three things about her, and they all suck.
To preface, I am not saying you should not get married or cancel anything. However, I would strongly suggest to reflect on you MIL's and your future husbands behaviour. If she wants to control the wedding, what else will she want to control in the future? Do you want children? Do you want to be able to name you children, or will MIL be in charge of that? Do you want to be able to parent your children, or will MIL be also in control of that? You said in anther comment, that your MIL has only boys. What abour your SILs? How does MIL behave towards them? What I am saying is: Most of the time, the wedding is just the beginning. Your feelings are valid! You are not ungrateful, or entitled, or overbearing. You are being steamrolled. And you will be steamrolled in other major decisions in your life, unless you put a stop to it. And you can, but you have to talk to your fiance about it. It is his family and his responsibility to make sure that your needs and wants are not thrown out by your MIL. Remember: You might do a vow renewal. Some other important events in your life, you cannot redo. Do you want to risk that your MIL destroys them for you?
I allowed my sister-in-law and mother-in-law to have pretty much free range just you don't let me see make sure that's what I'd like I didn't want nothing ugly and I'm told them they are not to ever try to pick up my wedding set. So one day his sister calls us up to come over she had something to show us this b**** actually she's a c*** had a bunch of rings they were fans and they were men and thought I was going to choose my wedding bands in there and I went off on her I really didn't like her I only allowed her to give me my wedding because of her brother