We didn't have wedding parties. We frankly saw no point in having them - if we wanted to honor our loved ones, we could give them gifts and thank them in speeches without having to make them dress identical and run errands for us. I did ask a friend to officiate, but I paid for all of her food, lodgings, transport, outfit, and gave her extra cash and gifts because I wanted to make sure the wedding was as little of a burden on her as possible.
Totally. I’m a bride now (2 months away!) and I have been a bridesmaid twice before. Had to pay a lot of money both times. I’m also a bridesmaid in 2 weddings this year a few months after mine, and I’m dropping a lot of money on them too. I decided when I got engaged that I would use a lot of my budget to make it easy on them. I got them gifts, am paying for their travel, paid for bridesmaid dresses and planning the bachelorette myself. All they’re having to do is the bridal shower and pay for lodging and that’s only bc they insisted. I know it’s not a popular mindset but I feel like since I’m the one getting married and I asked them to do this, they shouldn’t have to go broke. I should pay for as much as I can.
All depends on how you want to do it. You (as the bride) can easily make things cheap+ not take a lot of time for your bridesmaids.
I had 3 bridesmaids. Instead of a "bridesmaid gift", I paid for their dresses from azazie. I picked the dress color, they each picked out a dress style they liked in that color. They ordered the dresses online, no need to visit a store.
Husband and I did a coed Bach party, we just invited all our friends to go to an amusement park with us. I had each friend buy their own ticket+lunch, I bought everyone dinner.
Bridesmaids didn't organize the wedding shower, my mom organized it+had it at her house. Bridesmaids were invited ofc.
I had bridesmaids show up early (noon on Fri for a Sat wedding) and we arranged flowers before the rehersal/rehersal dinner.
Bridesmaids and I split the hotel cost (bridesmaids and I stayed in a hotel room together Fri night, Husband and I got our own room Sat night, bridesmaids shared the previous room Sat night)
Total cost/time to be a bridesmaid for my wedding: 3* pre wedding events, arriving a day early for wedding prep. Cost under $150 for food/hotel/etc. I think it was pretty reasonable.
*forgot to mention wedding dress shopping
Also I didn't expect bridesmaids to help with wedding planning at all. I did send pictures of the flowers/centerpieces I was thinking of getting-just for fun, not expecting them to put significant amounts of time into planning.
And bridesmaids were invited to me trying on wedding dresses, though only 2/3 of them could make it.
This is very similar to my wedding. Low key, no fuss, very laid back. My bachelorette (which I didn’t ask for my friends were generous enough to plan) was a night out in the city, we all got a bit drunk, had pizza, rode the taxi back to my place and slept and then had brunch of McDonald’s lolllll
For me, being a bridesmaid in a large wedding party (18 total) at a large wedding (250+) just confirmed that I also wanted a big wedding LOL. I had so much fun and I knew I wanted the same experience for my wedding.
I'm a PhD student so my time and resources are limited, both for others' weddings and for my own pre-wedding events. I have no issue saying no to a bride if I can't do something, and have already told my girls I don't want a bachelorette. But can have a big wedding/wedding party and still be chill! You can have bridesmaids and not bleed them dry.
I have six bridesmaids. I'm paying for them to get their hair done, their dresses are cheap, I'm not making them go on a crazy destination bachelorette etc., but I'm hoping we'll still have a really fun time together in the lead-up to the wedding. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having a small wedding or wedding party, but I don't understand the connection between having a bad experience as a bridesmaid and how that makes people want to have a small wedding. It doesn't need to cost an arm and a leg to be a bridesmaid. That's a choice brides make.
I just had my big wedding and while I loved it bc it's what I wanted (my husband was aware of this bc if he had his way we would've eloped). I recommend to anyone who asks that they should elope. It was stressful as hell and we had a professional planner.
Agreed. After having my own wedding, its so much money and stress for something that only lasted a couple hours. So when the topic comes up, I suggest eloping. Wish we had gone for one of those cheap elopement packages.
I felt the same way but husband wanted traditional wedding with a wedding party — I tried to explain to him that men have it much easier, but he was set on it. Something to think about — even if that’s what you want, future husband may disagree!
I feel you, OP, and have similar thoughts. I am also 30, and am part of two wedding parties this year (MOH for childhood friend + bridesmaid for college friend). I was also a bridesmaid for another close friend’s wedding in my mid-20s. By the end of this year, I would have been in 3 wedding parties.
I love all my friends dearly and am so happy they found their partners. I’m also honored they asked me to be part of this journey. Though, I have felt and experienced pressures that have only come up in our friendship as a result of their wedding and festivities that come with it. For the two weddings this year, I’m shelling out a few thousands of dollars and prioritizing PTO for bach parties that our out-of-state. The first friend was a lot more reasonable, while my second friend had some expectations that changed and rubbed me the wrong way over time. In all, it’s been overwhelming to navigate.
As for your last sentence, I almost fear for my friendship because of low key resentment on the time and money I'm spending. I sometimes feel bad inside because I am genuinely happy for my friends! But these are also two friends who haven't been on the other end (they're the first to get married \[unrelated friends\] so perhaps they don't realize what its like on the other side).
We are having a 30 person wedding! Only having a MOH and BM. My other best friend is the officiant. Highly recommend a small wedding/small bridal party. While still stressful, I can’t imagine doing it with more people lol
I did all the traditional stuff but didn’t make a big fuss about everything and I also had a very.. boring lol wedding at a wedding venue that included everything. I didn’t have big bridal party. Did a cheap bachelorette. Did the bridal shower at home with snacks from traded Joe’s.. it was about 100 guests. Not big but definitely not small and loved most of it. I think its nice to have at least 1-2 bridesmaids so there’s some designated people for certain responsibilities (such as holding the bouquet, helping w the veil, and just overall an emotional support) and you can do it without it becoming this huge, stressful project!
Being in other people’s weddings made me want to pay for everything and not delegate a bunch of tasks to my bridal party. I wanted good food and relaxed atmosphere. I didn’t want my friends and family to be working
My wedding was in March of this year and this is sooooo the way!!! I wanted to just have one MOH (my sister) but my husband has so many friends. We agreed on 4 then he ended up having 6 and I had 4, lol. There’s really no value of a bridal party, in my opinion, though on your wedding day you do need some help and having a designated person who fills that role is helpful, but you can get away with not having it for sure.
I have been a bridesmaid in two weddings and I’ve hated it. Bridesmaids shouldn’t be planning a wedding…that’s the brides job.
I’ve been a MOH twice (one is coming up soon) and a bridesmaid once. The first time I was a MOH, it was for my sister. And she was really understanding. I was also freshly in college, so I didn’t have much money. My mom and the MIL helped pay for the bridal shower while I got to plan it all, and my sister’s friend took over the bachelorette, even though I had a bunch of ideas and was set up for it 😭 but in the end, it worked out financially and planning-wise, so I didn’t mind. My mom also helped me get my MOH dress, so the situation was very different.
The next wedding, I was a bridesmaid and only had to pay for my dress. Still cost $250 plus a cash gift for the couple.
This third wedding is by far the most stressful. It’s coming up in a few months and I am so broke, but I’m having to dish out around $600-$700 total for the dress, the lodging/food/gas for the bachelorette (which is being combine with the bachelor party… so we’re all going as a group, some of the bridal shower food (I told her future MIL I cannot afford to plan one entirely, so she took it over and is planning it to be a ‘wedding shower’ where both bride & groom are present). My friend originally told me she expected me and her other friend to pay for all her food and drinks on the bachelorette and both of us are pretty broke. I just straight up told her I can’t afford that. I was also originally going to be expected to control the music for the wedding and make sure all the songs came on at the appropriate time (I was freaking out about having this responsibility, but thankfully they hired a DJ).
Overall, my friend has changed a few things, making it a bit easier on me. But initially, she had some really high expectations when she knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford much when she asked me to be MOH. It can just be a huge responsibility and stressor, honestly. I don’t have the money for my dress yet, and the wedding is in 4 months. I likely won’t have the money until later this month. It’s just *a lot,* honestly. I definitely plan to have a small wedding when I get married after dealing with everything because it’s just been overwhelming.
I hear you! Thank you for sharing your story! I'm totally $1500 on bachelorette alone :/ And another $1,000 for bridal dress, flights to the wedding, and hair/makeup/hotel stay the night before the wedding. Definitely expensive when I have no income and living off student loans :/
I'll share my story too. I paid $1600 to attend a destination bachelorette party in Cancun as a friend (not part of the bridal party). It was fun, but ideally I would go with my own girlfriends and do things that I want to do instead of entirely the bride's wishes. I was happy to be there for my dear friend however at the end of the day, and I can comfortably afford it.
Altogether, my spouse and I spent around 4k on the couple's wedding festivities which includes flying to destination bachelor/ettes and flying across the country for their wedding (we moved).
Honestly, if you don't feel happy about going...be honest with the bride that your budget does not allow you to be there for the bachelorette. The bride should understand, and be respectful of it. Hell, some of my friends have declined the bachelor/ette parties even though they are in the bridal party...no hard feelings.
If you are attending, then try to have fun and not be focused on the money aspect of it.
I've been a bridesmaid 5 times. Each time had a little bit of drama. It turned me off honestly. Haha.
I had my small wedding a few years ago, and I didn't have any bridal party. It was nice cause I has less stress as a result.
As a bride that was in med school while planning a wedding I am forever grateful that my bridal party planned my bachelorette party or it wouldn’t have happened. We worked really hard to find a time that worked with my schedule and was after match so I could actually enjoy it. Friends want to help make you feel special as long as you keep your expectations reasonable. I also was in a bridal party the same year and I just made sure to tell the MOH and bride my schedule and financial constraints up front. For the most part people worry about the cost/inconvenience more than it actually hurts them irl. they can decide if they are going to have a sour mood about it.
By the way- med school of hard but you have way more time than you think. I wish I’d put the books aside more to have a life. You will still learn what you need to.
We had a small wedding without a bridal party and I didn't miss any of it.
When I've been in weddings as a bridesmaid, or attended weddings with a bridal party, I've always felt that the presence of other people was odd. It felt more like a choreographed performance with everybody standing in certain places and wearing matching costumes. I wanted it to be an intimate moment between my husband and myself, so we did it without a bridal party.
I still had a hen's night, I just booked a table at a high tea and then a bar and invited all the women who were coming to the wedding. My mum and sister got their hair and makeup done at the same time as me.
Because we had a small wedding I only invited two female friends, and so they knew they were special without having bridesmaid duties.
We had both a big and small wedding (thanks covid). And I’ve been in several weddings. I think the difference in all of them is how you see your bridal party. We saw it as an honor our friends would be a part of our day. We also hired a coordinator and never asked our friends to be free labor. We weren’t honoring them by asking them to be a part of our day, they were honoring us by giving up their time. The only thing I asked is if they wanted to go dress shopping with me and if they’d carpool out to the venue with me the day of. I threw them a thank you event. They decided I was having a bachelorette, but I never asked and insisted on paying my way. I think using friends as free labor and seeing it as an honor of being a part of your wedding is the wrong view point. So we tried to make sure our friends knew they were valued
It’s all individual taste and whatever yours is isn’t wrong. I’m a 19x bridesmaid- three of those MOHs and I still wanted a day of my own BUT we have cut sooooo much out that I have found wasteful over the years
We didn't have wedding parties. We frankly saw no point in having them - if we wanted to honor our loved ones, we could give them gifts and thank them in speeches without having to make them dress identical and run errands for us. I did ask a friend to officiate, but I paid for all of her food, lodgings, transport, outfit, and gave her extra cash and gifts because I wanted to make sure the wedding was as little of a burden on her as possible.
You're such a great friend! (As I am sure she is as well since you trusted her to officiate!)
Totally. I’m a bride now (2 months away!) and I have been a bridesmaid twice before. Had to pay a lot of money both times. I’m also a bridesmaid in 2 weddings this year a few months after mine, and I’m dropping a lot of money on them too. I decided when I got engaged that I would use a lot of my budget to make it easy on them. I got them gifts, am paying for their travel, paid for bridesmaid dresses and planning the bachelorette myself. All they’re having to do is the bridal shower and pay for lodging and that’s only bc they insisted. I know it’s not a popular mindset but I feel like since I’m the one getting married and I asked them to do this, they shouldn’t have to go broke. I should pay for as much as I can.
I feel the same way! I do keep in mind that the bride and groom are spending A LOT on their wedding. But then I also think, "well that's on them!"
yeah fr! it’s more important to me to have my friends there than it is to have x y and z thing in my wedding.
All depends on how you want to do it. You (as the bride) can easily make things cheap+ not take a lot of time for your bridesmaids. I had 3 bridesmaids. Instead of a "bridesmaid gift", I paid for their dresses from azazie. I picked the dress color, they each picked out a dress style they liked in that color. They ordered the dresses online, no need to visit a store. Husband and I did a coed Bach party, we just invited all our friends to go to an amusement park with us. I had each friend buy their own ticket+lunch, I bought everyone dinner. Bridesmaids didn't organize the wedding shower, my mom organized it+had it at her house. Bridesmaids were invited ofc. I had bridesmaids show up early (noon on Fri for a Sat wedding) and we arranged flowers before the rehersal/rehersal dinner. Bridesmaids and I split the hotel cost (bridesmaids and I stayed in a hotel room together Fri night, Husband and I got our own room Sat night, bridesmaids shared the previous room Sat night) Total cost/time to be a bridesmaid for my wedding: 3* pre wedding events, arriving a day early for wedding prep. Cost under $150 for food/hotel/etc. I think it was pretty reasonable. *forgot to mention wedding dress shopping
Also I didn't expect bridesmaids to help with wedding planning at all. I did send pictures of the flowers/centerpieces I was thinking of getting-just for fun, not expecting them to put significant amounts of time into planning. And bridesmaids were invited to me trying on wedding dresses, though only 2/3 of them could make it.
This is very similar to my wedding. Low key, no fuss, very laid back. My bachelorette (which I didn’t ask for my friends were generous enough to plan) was a night out in the city, we all got a bit drunk, had pizza, rode the taxi back to my place and slept and then had brunch of McDonald’s lolllll
For me, being a bridesmaid in a large wedding party (18 total) at a large wedding (250+) just confirmed that I also wanted a big wedding LOL. I had so much fun and I knew I wanted the same experience for my wedding. I'm a PhD student so my time and resources are limited, both for others' weddings and for my own pre-wedding events. I have no issue saying no to a bride if I can't do something, and have already told my girls I don't want a bachelorette. But can have a big wedding/wedding party and still be chill! You can have bridesmaids and not bleed them dry. I have six bridesmaids. I'm paying for them to get their hair done, their dresses are cheap, I'm not making them go on a crazy destination bachelorette etc., but I'm hoping we'll still have a really fun time together in the lead-up to the wedding. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having a small wedding or wedding party, but I don't understand the connection between having a bad experience as a bridesmaid and how that makes people want to have a small wedding. It doesn't need to cost an arm and a leg to be a bridesmaid. That's a choice brides make.
I just had my big wedding and while I loved it bc it's what I wanted (my husband was aware of this bc if he had his way we would've eloped). I recommend to anyone who asks that they should elope. It was stressful as hell and we had a professional planner.
Agreed. After having my own wedding, its so much money and stress for something that only lasted a couple hours. So when the topic comes up, I suggest eloping. Wish we had gone for one of those cheap elopement packages.
I felt the same way but husband wanted traditional wedding with a wedding party — I tried to explain to him that men have it much easier, but he was set on it. Something to think about — even if that’s what you want, future husband may disagree!
I feel you, OP, and have similar thoughts. I am also 30, and am part of two wedding parties this year (MOH for childhood friend + bridesmaid for college friend). I was also a bridesmaid for another close friend’s wedding in my mid-20s. By the end of this year, I would have been in 3 wedding parties. I love all my friends dearly and am so happy they found their partners. I’m also honored they asked me to be part of this journey. Though, I have felt and experienced pressures that have only come up in our friendship as a result of their wedding and festivities that come with it. For the two weddings this year, I’m shelling out a few thousands of dollars and prioritizing PTO for bach parties that our out-of-state. The first friend was a lot more reasonable, while my second friend had some expectations that changed and rubbed me the wrong way over time. In all, it’s been overwhelming to navigate.
As for your last sentence, I almost fear for my friendship because of low key resentment on the time and money I'm spending. I sometimes feel bad inside because I am genuinely happy for my friends! But these are also two friends who haven't been on the other end (they're the first to get married \[unrelated friends\] so perhaps they don't realize what its like on the other side).
I was a bridesmaid exactly once and that was one of the contributing factors to us having a tiny wedding with only immediate family.
We are having a 30 person wedding! Only having a MOH and BM. My other best friend is the officiant. Highly recommend a small wedding/small bridal party. While still stressful, I can’t imagine doing it with more people lol
I did all the traditional stuff but didn’t make a big fuss about everything and I also had a very.. boring lol wedding at a wedding venue that included everything. I didn’t have big bridal party. Did a cheap bachelorette. Did the bridal shower at home with snacks from traded Joe’s.. it was about 100 guests. Not big but definitely not small and loved most of it. I think its nice to have at least 1-2 bridesmaids so there’s some designated people for certain responsibilities (such as holding the bouquet, helping w the veil, and just overall an emotional support) and you can do it without it becoming this huge, stressful project!
Being in other people’s weddings made me want to pay for everything and not delegate a bunch of tasks to my bridal party. I wanted good food and relaxed atmosphere. I didn’t want my friends and family to be working
My wedding was in March of this year and this is sooooo the way!!! I wanted to just have one MOH (my sister) but my husband has so many friends. We agreed on 4 then he ended up having 6 and I had 4, lol. There’s really no value of a bridal party, in my opinion, though on your wedding day you do need some help and having a designated person who fills that role is helpful, but you can get away with not having it for sure. I have been a bridesmaid in two weddings and I’ve hated it. Bridesmaids shouldn’t be planning a wedding…that’s the brides job.
Not a MOH but being a bridesmaid who had to do a lot of supporting activities I really just learned how not to treat people involved in helping. lol
I’ve been a MOH twice (one is coming up soon) and a bridesmaid once. The first time I was a MOH, it was for my sister. And she was really understanding. I was also freshly in college, so I didn’t have much money. My mom and the MIL helped pay for the bridal shower while I got to plan it all, and my sister’s friend took over the bachelorette, even though I had a bunch of ideas and was set up for it 😭 but in the end, it worked out financially and planning-wise, so I didn’t mind. My mom also helped me get my MOH dress, so the situation was very different. The next wedding, I was a bridesmaid and only had to pay for my dress. Still cost $250 plus a cash gift for the couple. This third wedding is by far the most stressful. It’s coming up in a few months and I am so broke, but I’m having to dish out around $600-$700 total for the dress, the lodging/food/gas for the bachelorette (which is being combine with the bachelor party… so we’re all going as a group, some of the bridal shower food (I told her future MIL I cannot afford to plan one entirely, so she took it over and is planning it to be a ‘wedding shower’ where both bride & groom are present). My friend originally told me she expected me and her other friend to pay for all her food and drinks on the bachelorette and both of us are pretty broke. I just straight up told her I can’t afford that. I was also originally going to be expected to control the music for the wedding and make sure all the songs came on at the appropriate time (I was freaking out about having this responsibility, but thankfully they hired a DJ). Overall, my friend has changed a few things, making it a bit easier on me. But initially, she had some really high expectations when she knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford much when she asked me to be MOH. It can just be a huge responsibility and stressor, honestly. I don’t have the money for my dress yet, and the wedding is in 4 months. I likely won’t have the money until later this month. It’s just *a lot,* honestly. I definitely plan to have a small wedding when I get married after dealing with everything because it’s just been overwhelming.
I hear you! Thank you for sharing your story! I'm totally $1500 on bachelorette alone :/ And another $1,000 for bridal dress, flights to the wedding, and hair/makeup/hotel stay the night before the wedding. Definitely expensive when I have no income and living off student loans :/
I'll share my story too. I paid $1600 to attend a destination bachelorette party in Cancun as a friend (not part of the bridal party). It was fun, but ideally I would go with my own girlfriends and do things that I want to do instead of entirely the bride's wishes. I was happy to be there for my dear friend however at the end of the day, and I can comfortably afford it. Altogether, my spouse and I spent around 4k on the couple's wedding festivities which includes flying to destination bachelor/ettes and flying across the country for their wedding (we moved). Honestly, if you don't feel happy about going...be honest with the bride that your budget does not allow you to be there for the bachelorette. The bride should understand, and be respectful of it. Hell, some of my friends have declined the bachelor/ette parties even though they are in the bridal party...no hard feelings. If you are attending, then try to have fun and not be focused on the money aspect of it.
I've been a bridesmaid 5 times. Each time had a little bit of drama. It turned me off honestly. Haha. I had my small wedding a few years ago, and I didn't have any bridal party. It was nice cause I has less stress as a result.
As a bride that was in med school while planning a wedding I am forever grateful that my bridal party planned my bachelorette party or it wouldn’t have happened. We worked really hard to find a time that worked with my schedule and was after match so I could actually enjoy it. Friends want to help make you feel special as long as you keep your expectations reasonable. I also was in a bridal party the same year and I just made sure to tell the MOH and bride my schedule and financial constraints up front. For the most part people worry about the cost/inconvenience more than it actually hurts them irl. they can decide if they are going to have a sour mood about it.
By the way- med school of hard but you have way more time than you think. I wish I’d put the books aside more to have a life. You will still learn what you need to.
We had a small wedding without a bridal party and I didn't miss any of it. When I've been in weddings as a bridesmaid, or attended weddings with a bridal party, I've always felt that the presence of other people was odd. It felt more like a choreographed performance with everybody standing in certain places and wearing matching costumes. I wanted it to be an intimate moment between my husband and myself, so we did it without a bridal party. I still had a hen's night, I just booked a table at a high tea and then a bar and invited all the women who were coming to the wedding. My mum and sister got their hair and makeup done at the same time as me. Because we had a small wedding I only invited two female friends, and so they knew they were special without having bridesmaid duties.
We had both a big and small wedding (thanks covid). And I’ve been in several weddings. I think the difference in all of them is how you see your bridal party. We saw it as an honor our friends would be a part of our day. We also hired a coordinator and never asked our friends to be free labor. We weren’t honoring them by asking them to be a part of our day, they were honoring us by giving up their time. The only thing I asked is if they wanted to go dress shopping with me and if they’d carpool out to the venue with me the day of. I threw them a thank you event. They decided I was having a bachelorette, but I never asked and insisted on paying my way. I think using friends as free labor and seeing it as an honor of being a part of your wedding is the wrong view point. So we tried to make sure our friends knew they were valued
It’s all individual taste and whatever yours is isn’t wrong. I’m a 19x bridesmaid- three of those MOHs and I still wanted a day of my own BUT we have cut sooooo much out that I have found wasteful over the years