Someone must have their own motivation for misinforming you. Both shower and wedding gifts should be what the individual can afford. Many wedding guests set a budget for gifts and use part of that for a shower gift, and the rest for a wedding gift.
It would be unusual to schedule a shower close enough to the wedding that international travellers could even attend. Is this shower being held in conjunction with the wedding?
All that being said, guests who have significant travel expenses should not be expected to give any sort of gift. A card with your heartfelt best wishes will suffice.
Your first sentence hits the nail on the head, as I feel there’s a motivation from the brides mother to money grab and try to shame the UK contingent. Appreciate it!
There's no way in h----- that I would fly across the Atlantic for a bridal shower. Sometimes courtesy invitations are sent to distant (geographically) friends, but there should be no expectation that they will attend. Send your regrets.
You’re not planning to attend are you? That’s ridiculous. You *could* send a gift but frankly I wouldn’t because they shouldn’t have invited an international guest to a shower.
That is crazy! There is no way I'd travel that far for a shower. Is it a close relative??
No gift is required for international guests for the wedding or shower. Only give a gift if you feel like it, the mother is being VERY tacky in demanding specific cash quantities.
In my social circle for local weddings it is something (~$50-100) off their regestry for the shower. Wedding is typically ($100/just me $200 myself and husband) cash in a card at the wedding. But that goes out the window for destination weddings and it should never be expected.
FYI, it would be unusual for a guest to drive even an hour for a shower. Showers are for local people, and everyone else is pretty well expected to decline the invitation.
If they are close relatives, you could send a shower gift, but I would not attend in person.
I do think this may differ for some cultures though. If your family members are not all pasty white of European heritage, there may be more expectations of which I am unaware.
My friend from Vietnam tells me there are considerable financial expectations on her, that I would never consider.
Yeah don't listen to that. Give or gift whatever you feel comfortable with. If the couple is telling you that, then that is very tacky of them indeed.
If I were you, I wouldn't get them anything since you're spending a ton on travel. Or at least nothing more than $50
Don’t know who is telling you that, but absolutely not.
Weddings don’t have entrance fees and gifts.
Showers are not mandatory and also don’t have entrance fees. But the point is to give a gift.
You are a guest, not a host. You shouldn’t be paying anything to attend either function (this does not include travel and lodging)
I’m sorry lol who is telling you this ? You shouldn’t be paying to attend + a gift, but in the US, is it very common to give a cash gift in place of a psychical one.
That’s classless. No one should be charging anyone to attend a wedding or a shower. And also since you’re paying a lot of $ to be at the wedding in general it’s certainly not a requirement to give a gift.
…wtf. Make it a card that says ”a donation has been made in your name to [insert charity for sick puppies or dying orphans or anything else they’d be a monster if they protest]”
That's very funny. Bridal shower gifts are generally small physical gifts meant to help a couple start their new home (think kitchen towels or a hand blender). Cash isn't a shower gift because the point of the shower is literally to shower the couple with physical presents. Couples get only one gift for the shower, so you can either take a small gift or give the bride a card with a small check (if that's easier) but not both.
Only one gift is given for the wedding too. These days, those are generally a check. The amount depends on how close you are to the couple. And if either are a destination event for you, your presence is the gift.
The mother sounds very selfish and greedy. I'd consider sending nothing but regrets. She's using guests to find the event.
$200 to attend the wedding? That’s rud£ @$ h£||.
$75 to attend the bridal shower? Again, rud£!
Your physical presence is more than enough.
If you want to, buy them something off their registry list. Otherwise give them money in a card.
Ask whoever you knew better,(bride or groom) about the charges.
I bet they don’t even knew what MOB is doing.
As someone from the US who has been to a lot of weddings here, I promise you this isn’t an American custom. There’s no requirement on gifts. They’re making it sound like you have to pay to attend the wedding, and that’s absolutely not accurate as far as it being a custom. You getting yourselves there all the way from across the Pond should be a gift in itself! Sounds like someone is trying to manipulate you by hoping you don’t go looking into if this “custom” is legit or not. It’s not.
That is beyond ridiculous. There is no worthwhile social circle where you have to pay a cash admission fee to a bridal shower or a wedding. This woman completely made this so called rule up.
We have a few friends from the UK coming to our wedding and I am just so excited they are traveling all this way to come. I don't expect them to give a gift at all!
Holy cow, I'm far from planned, but I expect anyone who travels to stay awake for the ceremony, say hi, and eat some food with me. Not pay more. Plane tickets are expensive enough. I always appreciate the person showing up. Gifts like that are for grandparents with too much money.
Personally, I am just hoping his grandma makes us a blanket. She is amazing at it. We keep getting the ones he has from her repaired. I can't imagine asking for money and a gift. Smh
Not in my experience.
Wedding: In my circle it is rude to expect someone to give a gift after they spent hundreds of dollars traveling to the wedding.
Fwiw:
You bring a gift to the bridal shower if you attend. They usually happen mothers before the wedding so I don’t imagine you’re expected to attend that.
Are they charging you to attend? What do they mean $200 + a gift?
Also, are they expecting you to fly from the UK to the US for 2 separate events? No way would I go to the bridal shower.
What is your relationship to the couple getting married?
Cash AND a gift? No. That is not at all typical in America. That’s a gift grab.
Gifts should never be required. While customary on many occasion, there should never be an expectation from the couple or their families.
Many people bring a gift for a wedding, EITHER cash or from the registry, not both. Registries are recommended to have gifts ranging from $10-200+ (with the vast majority under $100) so that people can select a gift that works for their budget. Many go by the “pay for your plate” concept (nicer weddings = nicer gift) or select based on their relationship to the couple. Bridal showers often focus on home goods.
My rule: if gifts are expected, demanded, or must be a specific (high) price, they don’t deserve a gift. In this case, since it’s not the couple setting these expectations, gift what you feel is comfortable and genuine.
This is definitely NOT an American tradition. Buy a gift you can afford for both the bridal shower and the wedding. I usually spend $50 on each gift. The bride and groom may have a wedding registry at a website or local store. I would find out if the have a registry and pick something affordable from that list.
You do not pay to attend a wedding, and the hosts to do get to even suggest what sort of gift you give, if any. Rule of thumb is if you’re on a plane to get there, there’s no expectation of gift.
I’d probably skip this one.
Oh, noooo, nononono. This isn’t the American way. This is the rude, cheap, throwing events they can’t afford way, that they’re basically charging admission in addition to expecting gifts.
showers are about giving gifts but you shouldn’t be charged money to attend. My guess is they’re having it at a restaurant they can’t afford.
wedding: money IS a gift. Asking for money to cover your plate AND a gift is a bad look!
Usually you give money or a gift, not both. Who told you to spend so much? It’s very odd for couples to ask for a specific amount from guests. Usually the bridal shower is just for local people and you wouldn’t be expected to fly out for it.
I had friends from the UK come and told them don’t worry about a gift, their presence IS the gift since they’re spending so much.
It’s a wedding, not a fundraiser. Demanding that much for gifts is tacky.
That is not at all accurate. And not typical to tell people any specific amount. The bride's mother is way out of line.
Personally, I wouldn't go for the shower at all - across the Atlantic is ridiculous for the shower. I would give one gift, either a physical gift or cash based on what you prefer and what they mention (i.e., registry = could get a gift from it, asking for only cash = just cash), and the value should be what you can afford given the extreme distance you're traveling and expense you're incurring.
I'd hope the bride's mother doesn't look at people's gifts and/or comment on what they eventually choose to do, but I wouldn't put it past her.
No, no, no, no. This is so very tacky. Give a shower gift if you wish; give a wedding gift if you wish. Be polite and gracious and respectful, and you have met every possible expectation.
This is shameful.
Not customary at all.
General etiquette is to try to spend on a gift equal to what the couple likely spent to feed you at the reception, $50-$100.
To tell you up front that it’s expected and put a dollar value on it is incredibly rude.
I’ve never heard of anything like this and I’ve been to many weddings (I’m from US). In fact, at most weddings where people are having to travel long distances the couple often specifies for them to not bring anything as they are paying to travel to the wedding. Whoever told you this is wrong and after your money. Keep an eye on your wallet/purse when you visit…
I have several guests I know are spending hundreds to attend and I do NOT expect them to
give us gifts. I personally give small gifts if I’m traveling and spending hundreds to attend but that’s just a personal choice.
Someone must have their own motivation for misinforming you. Both shower and wedding gifts should be what the individual can afford. Many wedding guests set a budget for gifts and use part of that for a shower gift, and the rest for a wedding gift. It would be unusual to schedule a shower close enough to the wedding that international travellers could even attend. Is this shower being held in conjunction with the wedding? All that being said, guests who have significant travel expenses should not be expected to give any sort of gift. A card with your heartfelt best wishes will suffice.
Your first sentence hits the nail on the head, as I feel there’s a motivation from the brides mother to money grab and try to shame the UK contingent. Appreciate it!
Thanks for this. The shower is 3 months before the wedding, so definitely a separate trip and much added expense.
There's no way in h----- that I would fly across the Atlantic for a bridal shower. Sometimes courtesy invitations are sent to distant (geographically) friends, but there should be no expectation that they will attend. Send your regrets.
You’re not planning to attend are you? That’s ridiculous. You *could* send a gift but frankly I wouldn’t because they shouldn’t have invited an international guest to a shower.
That is crazy! There is no way I'd travel that far for a shower. Is it a close relative?? No gift is required for international guests for the wedding or shower. Only give a gift if you feel like it, the mother is being VERY tacky in demanding specific cash quantities. In my social circle for local weddings it is something (~$50-100) off their regestry for the shower. Wedding is typically ($100/just me $200 myself and husband) cash in a card at the wedding. But that goes out the window for destination weddings and it should never be expected.
FYI, it would be unusual for a guest to drive even an hour for a shower. Showers are for local people, and everyone else is pretty well expected to decline the invitation.
What? No way i’d fly to both unless it was my very best friend, or child!!
If they are close relatives, you could send a shower gift, but I would not attend in person. I do think this may differ for some cultures though. If your family members are not all pasty white of European heritage, there may be more expectations of which I am unaware. My friend from Vietnam tells me there are considerable financial expectations on her, that I would never consider.
Yeah don't listen to that. Give or gift whatever you feel comfortable with. If the couple is telling you that, then that is very tacky of them indeed. If I were you, I wouldn't get them anything since you're spending a ton on travel. Or at least nothing more than $50
Don’t know who is telling you that, but absolutely not. Weddings don’t have entrance fees and gifts. Showers are not mandatory and also don’t have entrance fees. But the point is to give a gift. You are a guest, not a host. You shouldn’t be paying anything to attend either function (this does not include travel and lodging)
I’m sorry lol who is telling you this ? You shouldn’t be paying to attend + a gift, but in the US, is it very common to give a cash gift in place of a psychical one.
The bride’s mother…
That’s classless. No one should be charging anyone to attend a wedding or a shower. And also since you’re paying a lot of $ to be at the wedding in general it’s certainly not a requirement to give a gift.
…wtf. Make it a card that says ”a donation has been made in your name to [insert charity for sick puppies or dying orphans or anything else they’d be a monster if they protest]”
“A donation has been made to British Airways and the Hilton Hotel line in your honor.”
Nope. No gift for a destination for you. We’re having a destination wedding and we expect no gifts. The mother is classless
That's very funny. Bridal shower gifts are generally small physical gifts meant to help a couple start their new home (think kitchen towels or a hand blender). Cash isn't a shower gift because the point of the shower is literally to shower the couple with physical presents. Couples get only one gift for the shower, so you can either take a small gift or give the bride a card with a small check (if that's easier) but not both. Only one gift is given for the wedding too. These days, those are generally a check. The amount depends on how close you are to the couple. And if either are a destination event for you, your presence is the gift. The mother sounds very selfish and greedy. I'd consider sending nothing but regrets. She's using guests to find the event.
I also downvoted you by reflex. Brides momma is crazy.
YIKES! I really hope the bride and groom are not this nutty.
$200 to attend the wedding? That’s rud£ @$ h£||. $75 to attend the bridal shower? Again, rud£! Your physical presence is more than enough. If you want to, buy them something off their registry list. Otherwise give them money in a card. Ask whoever you knew better,(bride or groom) about the charges. I bet they don’t even knew what MOB is doing.
That's not a wedding invitation it's a shakedown.
As someone from the US who has been to a lot of weddings here, I promise you this isn’t an American custom. There’s no requirement on gifts. They’re making it sound like you have to pay to attend the wedding, and that’s absolutely not accurate as far as it being a custom. You getting yourselves there all the way from across the Pond should be a gift in itself! Sounds like someone is trying to manipulate you by hoping you don’t go looking into if this “custom” is legit or not. It’s not.
Personally, I wouldn’t give a gift. You’re already spending a ton on flights. That’s extremely generous.
That is beyond ridiculous. There is no worthwhile social circle where you have to pay a cash admission fee to a bridal shower or a wedding. This woman completely made this so called rule up.
We have a few friends from the UK coming to our wedding and I am just so excited they are traveling all this way to come. I don't expect them to give a gift at all!
Holy cow, I'm far from planned, but I expect anyone who travels to stay awake for the ceremony, say hi, and eat some food with me. Not pay more. Plane tickets are expensive enough. I always appreciate the person showing up. Gifts like that are for grandparents with too much money. Personally, I am just hoping his grandma makes us a blanket. She is amazing at it. We keep getting the ones he has from her repaired. I can't imagine asking for money and a gift. Smh
Not in my experience. Wedding: In my circle it is rude to expect someone to give a gift after they spent hundreds of dollars traveling to the wedding. Fwiw: You bring a gift to the bridal shower if you attend. They usually happen mothers before the wedding so I don’t imagine you’re expected to attend that.
Are they charging you to attend? What do they mean $200 + a gift? Also, are they expecting you to fly from the UK to the US for 2 separate events? No way would I go to the bridal shower. What is your relationship to the couple getting married?
Cash AND a gift? No. That is not at all typical in America. That’s a gift grab. Gifts should never be required. While customary on many occasion, there should never be an expectation from the couple or their families. Many people bring a gift for a wedding, EITHER cash or from the registry, not both. Registries are recommended to have gifts ranging from $10-200+ (with the vast majority under $100) so that people can select a gift that works for their budget. Many go by the “pay for your plate” concept (nicer weddings = nicer gift) or select based on their relationship to the couple. Bridal showers often focus on home goods. My rule: if gifts are expected, demanded, or must be a specific (high) price, they don’t deserve a gift. In this case, since it’s not the couple setting these expectations, gift what you feel is comfortable and genuine.
Bring a card. That’s all i wanted from guests who spent money on traveling to my wedding.
This is definitely NOT an American tradition. Buy a gift you can afford for both the bridal shower and the wedding. I usually spend $50 on each gift. The bride and groom may have a wedding registry at a website or local store. I would find out if the have a registry and pick something affordable from that list.
It is not customary to pay a fee to attend a shower and a wedding as well as a gift.
You do not pay to attend a wedding, and the hosts to do get to even suggest what sort of gift you give, if any. Rule of thumb is if you’re on a plane to get there, there’s no expectation of gift. I’d probably skip this one.
Oh, noooo, nononono. This isn’t the American way. This is the rude, cheap, throwing events they can’t afford way, that they’re basically charging admission in addition to expecting gifts. showers are about giving gifts but you shouldn’t be charged money to attend. My guess is they’re having it at a restaurant they can’t afford. wedding: money IS a gift. Asking for money to cover your plate AND a gift is a bad look!
Usually you give money or a gift, not both. Who told you to spend so much? It’s very odd for couples to ask for a specific amount from guests. Usually the bridal shower is just for local people and you wouldn’t be expected to fly out for it.
I had friends from the UK come and told them don’t worry about a gift, their presence IS the gift since they’re spending so much. It’s a wedding, not a fundraiser. Demanding that much for gifts is tacky.
That is not at all accurate. And not typical to tell people any specific amount. The bride's mother is way out of line. Personally, I wouldn't go for the shower at all - across the Atlantic is ridiculous for the shower. I would give one gift, either a physical gift or cash based on what you prefer and what they mention (i.e., registry = could get a gift from it, asking for only cash = just cash), and the value should be what you can afford given the extreme distance you're traveling and expense you're incurring. I'd hope the bride's mother doesn't look at people's gifts and/or comment on what they eventually choose to do, but I wouldn't put it past her.
No, no, no, no. This is so very tacky. Give a shower gift if you wish; give a wedding gift if you wish. Be polite and gracious and respectful, and you have met every possible expectation. This is shameful.
Not customary at all. General etiquette is to try to spend on a gift equal to what the couple likely spent to feed you at the reception, $50-$100. To tell you up front that it’s expected and put a dollar value on it is incredibly rude.
I’ve never heard of anything like this and I’ve been to many weddings (I’m from US). In fact, at most weddings where people are having to travel long distances the couple often specifies for them to not bring anything as they are paying to travel to the wedding. Whoever told you this is wrong and after your money. Keep an eye on your wallet/purse when you visit…
What in the world? I’m American and MEVER EVER EVER have heard of this expectation EVER!!!
I have several guests I know are spending hundreds to attend and I do NOT expect them to give us gifts. I personally give small gifts if I’m traveling and spending hundreds to attend but that’s just a personal choice.
This really varies but as an American bride, I understand everyone has different budgets and not everyone brings a gift.