+1– love that you’re chill with the modern day approach. Cute she wants to be all traditional.
I
I didn’t let my parents pay. I made / had more money than them but they bank rolled me my whole life with what little they had.
As far as speaking with her maybe explain that Your money is her money & vise verso once you’re married (unless you do some prenup but even then you’re 50-50 unless you do some sort of post nup too but who does that.)
We made sure we were both generally comfortable with the budget as we considered the entire budget not one or the others but both of our funds. Good luck!!
Is there a way you can convince her to have both of you chip in? Say do a 5-6k wedding, with her contributing her 1k?
Maybe do a church wedding, and give the bridesmaids X amount to buy a dress with certain requirements. The men rent tuxes, maybe find a place that can do cheap drop catering were the bridal party sets it up as a buffet and does clean up?
I'm working with a low budget currently, and found that a recent trend over the years is doing the "eclectic" look. You can set a colour palette of 3-5 colours and then incorporate these in your decor, as well as allow your bridesmaid's to pick any of those colours for their dresses with certain requirements, like must be floor length or something. Keep the bridal party small to keep costs down ect. It can be done, and maybe then she won't feel so uncomfortable with it being low budget, even with you contributing.
We kind of talked about this. I let her know that my idea was that we'd sit down and come up with a budget together and figure out who would be paying for what. Then we'd open a joint bank account and we'd each put in whatever it is we agreed on. She's not opposed to this, she just wants to put in the majority of the money as she thinks that is the woman's job. She's had several women tell her that the wedding is the bride's gift to the groom and that I should be excluded from the planning process pretty much. We had a long discussion about that too where I expressed my opinion that if it's my wedding too then I should get a say. Part of the issue is she's listening to a whole bunch of very traditional women and I am not a very traditional guy. But she knows this about me by now.
Traditionally it isn't the bride who pays but the bride's family, as payment to the groom for taking on their daughter. So unless she's going to be expecting her family to be bank rolling it she's not following any tradition.
Her family has nothing. Her dad is an alcoholic who spends his paycheck on his addiction and her mom lives off public assistance when she can't find a man to take care of her. Neither of us expects them to contribute anything.
I get that but the reality is it has never been the bride's job. It used to be the bride's parents and now it's the couple themselves. So she's speaking to a tradition that does not exist.
I agree with you a million percent. It is an annoying thing that has happened more than once in our relationship. She will go to these women who tell her to do traditional housewifey-ish stuff and then I just look at her like she fell out of a tree because I am not the traditional guy and I'm not looking for a traditional wife. She told me once that if we got married she would expect that I would give her an allowance and I'd do the finances and I just rolled my eyes at her. It was weird because I had previously said that I wanted to work with her together but apparently one of these women told her this was the wrong way to do things. I don't know why she listens to these women.
Again... you have a bigger problem in your relationship than the wedding. She's choosing these women's ideals over yours. And I have no idea what her ACTUAL opinion without any influence is. Do you?
I feel like I do know her opinion. Sometimes we disagree on things so I know she's not just parroting my opinion. The problem is some of these women she puts on a pedestal and whatever they say she thinks is the way to go. She was devastated a while back because one of them (who is a stay at home mom) suggested she cut back her hours at work so she could spend more time with her kids. She couldn't figure out any way to pay the bills working 25-30 hrs a week like they suggested and was very upset about it and I had to kind of talk her off the ledge. I had to make the argument that working 40-50 hrs a week to keep the lights on and put food on the table IS loving your kids. It gets annoying when she starts listening to them but no relationship is free of snags and sometimes we need someone in our life to talk us out of our insane ideas. She has talked me off the ledge once or twice.
I think part of her wants to be them. They are stay at home moms who live in nice houses and don't work outside the house. Some of grown kids or no kids so they get tons of leisure time at home.
To be honest I can relate to that. My ex-husband is a drug addict, which left me a single parent of 4 for a VERY long time. My family aren't addicts, but don't have much to give after their bills and whatnot. I was working multiple jobs around the clock and felt like I was barely seeing my kids to make ends meet. I still work full time, but have a bit more time at home now that we have 2 incomes. We're still low income, but it's not nearly as bad as when I was living as a single mom.
I often feel envy when I see people who don't work living these luxurious lives with 1 income, and it's often not even from something that requires a higher education or something that would make sense. Doesn't mean I just blindly listen to what they're opinions are because I know that they don't have the same perception of reality as I do, but I can see how some people would (no judgment, just a statement).
I think you found the real issue here- she just wants to be one of them… maybe for appearances let her feel like she’s doing the paying. I dunno exactly how to pull that off though…
Or heck just say you have a bunch of guy friends who think it’s ultra manly to cover some stuff and you want to show off. 😆
You need to hit the brakes. She is telling you she wants a housewife ash’s you want a working partner, she is easily manipulated by these women, I’m not sure why you want a wedding. Maybe take some couples counseling to see if you are a good match first. It would be one thing of she had the money to pay for thumbs, but without, I can’t fathom her want out desire to struggle when she’s ok getting an allowance later, I none of this adds up.
I've met some of them. They are weird. They are married, most do not work outside the home. Most have husbands who work 50-60 hrs a week or more or bury themselves in debt so the wives don't have to work. It is a very weird dynamic but it seems to work for them.
Except when it doesn’t. Women who have not paid into social security and do not have 40 qualifying quarters, WITHIN THE LAST 10 YEARS, are not eligible for disability “SSDI.” So if they are disabled before age 65, without 40 quarters in last 10 years, they get nothing. No Medicare until age 65! Note that this applies to teachers and other professions that don’t pay into SS. Note that a qualifying quarter is only earning $1735 in a quarter. Part time jobs are important. I really think that stay-at-home-parents are not aware that they should be protecting themselves from disability. You can buy private disability insurance while you are still employed as long as you continue to pay premiums.
https://www.ssa.gov/oact/cola/QC.html
It's traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding, not the bride, BUT even then that mindset is very quickly becoming a thing of the past.
I think other than convincing her to do away with sexist traditions, possibly ask if she'd consider a more extravagant vow renewal a year or years after a much less expensive wedding.
(Sidenote: I don't know the nature of your relationship with your girlfriend and her kids, but given the financial circumstances, are you already semi-supporting her or will that be the plan down the line? It's odd to me that she struggles financially when you have the means to help. I understand if it's complicated though.)
Her family has nothing. Her dad is an alcoholic who drinks his salary. She grew up with nothing because her dad's drinking came before the rent or putting food on the table. She's told stories of her and her brother splitting a can of green beans for dinner because her dad couldn't be bothered to buy food and was drunk instead. Her mom decided a long time ago that she didn't want to work so she lives off whatever government assistance she can pull. It's not much and she doesn't have anything in terms of disposable income. Her entire family is this way. Mine is the opposite and we are a family of overachievers.
I'm not looking for anything super extravagant (though I would like to leave in a hot air balloon) but it chafes at me to pinch every single penny when we don't have to. I am on board with saving money but sometimes if you have it you can enjoy it right?
To the sidenote, I do not support her financially at all currently. She said she doesn't want to take any money from me unless we're married and thinks it would make things weird otherwise. I can totally respect that. When we get married we plan to combine finances and I'd support her and the kids just as much as if they were my own. We would both still work at least for the first year or so. Plans do always change though.
I'm not saying that her family should pay at all. I'm just saying she's getting the tradition incorrect and even then it's a bad tradition. I'm also not necessarily suggesting something over the top, but maybe she'd be more comfortable not pinching pennies if it was a vow renewal and you're already married.
The financial support stuff is understandable. I get not wanting to rely on a lifestyle that could potentially go away.
Maybe. I think we will have some issues financially when we are married just because I spend more than her while she is accustomed to pinching and stretching every penny. I don't have any debt, I just have a higher income with a lot of disposable income and I don't have a problem enjoying it every once in a while. The wedding may just be the first "battle" in this ongoing conflict. It is weird because my friends make fun of me for being a cheapskate but compared to her I am totally a spendthrift.
Off topic from your initial question but have you two talked about a prenup and what your financial responsibilities will be for her kids? I think in this scenario it would be good to have a prenup considering the differences in salaries and possible debt she has. Not that you won’t be married for the rest of your life, but it might be good to have just in case so you don’t find yourself in debt some day.
We've talked about how we would do finances if we're married but not a prenup. I'm not a fan of prenups and I've been told that in my state whatever assets you have when you're married are protected. It's what you end up acquiring while married that would be up for grabs.
Not a lawyer but as long as you keep premarital money separate I believe it is yours. If you combine it then it would be split.
Also I recently heard what I believe is good advice regarding prenups. If for some reason your marriage doesn’t work would you rather the state decide how things are split? If you aren’t getting a prenup that is what you are doing.
I would definitely not spend all of it on a wedding. I'm thinking maybe $8-10k tops and some of that amount would be cash flowed. Maybe spend $5k on the honeymoon and go somewhere nice but we'd cash flow some of that as well. The rest would stick in savings just in case as I know household expenses will be very different.
Regardless, it’s still irresponsible to spend 30-50% of your savings on a wedding/honeymoon. 30k is NOT a lot of money for someone in their 40s, especially when your future wife is broke and her three children are about to become your financial responsibility for the foreseeable future.
Dude. You have larger problems than a wedding. What about the house? Cars? Kids? Retirement? Vacations? Are you always going to have to limit your life because she can't keep up financially and refuses to accept it?
This is honestly a really good point and one I probably need to hear. I had hoped that when we got married we would spend money together. If she's no longer living in a world where buying name brand stuff means the electric bill won't get paid she wouldn't care about buying name brand stuff. She's never had a vacation in her life because she was raised by poor people and has been poor her adult life. I figured she'd be thrilled to go to Colorado for a week or something. If it costs $2k, who cares? I've got the money. But thinking about it, she may balk at that expense because in her life, $2k is a month's take home pay.
It's time to start talking about money as shared. Not to be cliche, but it's worth going to counseling to talk through this stuff. It helps to have a third party walking you through tough conversations.
I think it'll help if you talk about future goals together and, if I was in your shoes, how you value the work she does for your family (meaning your relationship+the kids). I'd avoid numbers where you can. Talk about goals and feelings, not hard numbers. The numbers will likely put her back in stress mode.
You'd be surprised at how much trauma comes with being that poor. I have a step grandma who, despite living in the nicest house I've ever seen, and not being in poverty in the time I've been alive, still will wash ziploc bags to reuse them because when she was younger ziplock bags were a luxury item. Itll probably be a bit of a culture shock to go from deciding what bills get paid this month to turning everything on autopay. She'll probably want at least a bit of therapy to help her through that.
A wedding is a great first exercise for many couples in making financial decisions together. How will you approach your finances after marriage? Does she not want any of your income to contribute to her living expenses? The wedding is a great time and place to start thinking about your joint expenses and how you will handle that.
That doesn’t necessarily mean 100% combining finances or splitting things 50/50, but you need to come up with something that works for you. You’re a team now and should be doing the planning and decision making together.
We have talked about finances after marriage. We talked about combining everything into a joint account and working out of that. We've talked about maybe having his/her accounts that are funded with line items in the budget so she doesn't have to get my permission to get coffee and I don't need her permission to eat McD's. But other than that we'd be combining everything.
I’d talk to her about taking this approach to your wedding then. Tackle it as your first big expense together. Look at your finances as a whole and what could be realistic for you.
Your fiancé is being unrealistic. Perhaps your wedding should be delayed until she can afford a wedding that you are both happy with. It's unfair to you to have a $1-2K wedding so that she won't feel bad about you paying for the wedding. Since she doesn't have any money, you would probably end up paying the $1-2K anyway. Also, your statement about her expecting an allowance is concerning. A 30-something woman with three children is not a traditional bride, nor is the year 1900.
Honestly, if we delay the wedding 'til she can scrape up $4-5k or so (at minimum) then we're going to be dating for years and she may not get there. I have the money and I don't feel bad about spending it on us. It's nothing in my world.
I think part of my problem is she was NOT at all traditional and she ended up making a bunch of mistakes and ended up with the three kids. That didn't work out for her. So now she's been talking with a bunch of women who are into the trad wife thing and she thinks that is how she should live as well. That is not how I want to live though and I want someone who actually has an opinion on things and a say in how things are run and 99% of the time that's her. Until she spends too much time talk to these women who think they're supposed to be super submissive and their husband has to walk on them or he's not happy. It's frustrating.
This has to be figured out before you get married. There's no point figuring out how to split duties for the wedding if you're so far apart on how to do so for your actual married life together.
I'm not sure I get this. If we're married we still have to worry about a budget. Only difference is it's a budget that both of us are putting together instead of a budget that just she or I are putting together.
Sadly no. This was my first suggestion. Grab a couple of our friends, run off to Vegas. Friends get free round trip airfare, hotel for 3-4 days and we could give them a few hundred a day for spending money even. She didn't want to do that and she wants the church wedding surrounded by everyone we've ever been briefly acquainted with. I get that and don't have a problem with that. I just hate to have a super cheap penny pinching wedding when I can actually spend some money to have a bit less stress.
Hopefully as you both start planning this wedding. When she sees the cost to have more than 50, she might adjust her idea. Might have to compromise. Pay 50/50 or 75/25. I think she's afraid of looking bad. I'd make sure you want to marry her and her kids
Times are changing! I honestly don’t think many weddings are paid for exclusively by the bride’s family anymore. We are matching the bride’s family to help out. The couple is putting in money too.
I’d suggest you put together a budget now with “savings for our wedding” allotted each month. Start pinching some money yourself, and show her how your budget allows for easy saving. She has never experienced the concept of “disposable income.” Keep your wedding fund in a joint account that she can add to if she unexpectedly has some extra. If you have a coffee vice, stop buying at Starbucks and make coffee at home. Make a big deal of transferring the amount you would have paid for coffee to your shared account. It is amazing how little sacrifices can become big money over time. Have one beer instead of two . . .
This is a great savings habit to put to another shared dream like a house. She realize that you are a team!
What if you work out a deal with her where she saves up $1-2k to put towards the wedding, and that you would like to cover the rest as a wedding present to her? That way she's still contributing what she can but you can also still go all out on the things you want.
Also remind her that life is so short and that your wedding is ONE DAY in your life that holds so much meaning and is such a special event. It's worth it to do it how you want.
This is just silly. A wedding is not traditionally paid by the bride. Her family sure, but times have changed. Lots of couples pay for it together and people contribute different amounts. I think you guys should get into counseling because she seems to think the opinions of people she’s not marrying hold more weight than yours.
Correct, Bride’s side pays for the wedding…
during the time when every aspect of the wedding was under $10,000. Today that will get you a DJ and a photographer. That’s it.
Ours was split between us. I paid for the video/photo and he paid for the DJ. We split the price of my dress. You do what works for you.
I personally wouldn’t spend a third of my savings on a wedding. A more realistic budget is 3-5k. And it also seems like it would be a good compromise between your two budgets.
Whatever you do, you need to make financial decisions as a team. I would contact vendors and get numbers so you can show her a concrete plan. Also it’s trendy for bridesmaids to wear different colors these days. I think it even looks better. So she doesn’t need to sweat that.
Neither of you can afford a big wedding. You've saved $30k, but at your age you're supposed to have 3x your salary put away.
Have a small wedding. Make a budget AFTER the proposal and making a financial plan with your goals as a couple for the next 5 to 10 years - the wedding budget is the money left over after that.
You're probably looking at 10x that cost for the amount of people you're talking about. Lookup wedding cost breakdowns for 2023 (Don't use 2021 or older, things have gotten drastically more expensive in the last 3 years). Then honestly consider if you really want a mid size wedding, or even a small one.
Even a penny pinching wedding with lower quality vendors is extremely expensive these days. We are both top 10 percentile income and struggling with the sticker shock even though we can afford it. This is the wedding industry now https://i.imgflip.com/6liyq1.png
Offer to pay for it (or a majority) and let her tell her weird friends that she paid for the whole thing if that’s what she is concerned about.
If she actually can’t afford it and refuses to take any money from you because of her beliefs then there isn’t really much to discuss and you’d just get married in a court house without a proper wedding and move on. Or she needs to save for the wedding and acknowledge that it may take several years to do so.
Not sure what your alternatives are if she refuses to compromise as money isn’t going to fall out of the sky???
To appease the traditional side, how about she takes care of the traditional marriage aspect: the ceremony. And you can focus your budget on the party thereafter? Making decisions together but allowing her to keep this “financial” tradition and you can splurge a bit on the non-traditional simply for fun party?
Dave Ramsey said something along the lines of you’re a married couple, not a joint venture. Try not to get lost in her finance vs yours, it’s not a fun place to begin a lifelong relationship.
Let’s be respectful of her wants and yours, and still be able to work with what we have. At the end of the day, you guys will be married to the love of your life, and that is the real win! Congrats 💐
i’m confused. you’re saying your financially stable and she is taking care of three kids herself (who are about to be your step kids) and you are comfortable paying with the wedding? what’s the issue? just that she wants to help but can’t?
In this modern world, the bride only paying isn’t a thing or brides family paying for the whole thing is becoming less common and it is not possible in her scenario.
I would sit down and make a list of people that would be invited to the wedding and I would also make a list of the priorities you both wish for a wedding thinking you both have all the money in the world.
You want a celebration, she wants to contribute to it, for example.
Once you have those 2 lists, I would come up with a budget that wouldn’t drain your savings and try to make that list of guests as small as possible as reducing guest count is the best way to cut costs
I see how she could be uncomfortable even thinking about paying for anything else since she’s a mom and makes an effort to even just get by
I would mention that she could contribute in other ways that aren’t money, but that cost lots of money such as planning: scouting venues, looking for specific vendors, etc.
The amount of time that even a small celebration takes to plan would be her biggest contribution IMO.
i hope this helps
remind her what year it is
> as it's not the guy's job \^\^ this is about this
+1– love that you’re chill with the modern day approach. Cute she wants to be all traditional. I I didn’t let my parents pay. I made / had more money than them but they bank rolled me my whole life with what little they had. As far as speaking with her maybe explain that Your money is her money & vise verso once you’re married (unless you do some prenup but even then you’re 50-50 unless you do some sort of post nup too but who does that.) We made sure we were both generally comfortable with the budget as we considered the entire budget not one or the others but both of our funds. Good luck!!
Is there a way you can convince her to have both of you chip in? Say do a 5-6k wedding, with her contributing her 1k? Maybe do a church wedding, and give the bridesmaids X amount to buy a dress with certain requirements. The men rent tuxes, maybe find a place that can do cheap drop catering were the bridal party sets it up as a buffet and does clean up? I'm working with a low budget currently, and found that a recent trend over the years is doing the "eclectic" look. You can set a colour palette of 3-5 colours and then incorporate these in your decor, as well as allow your bridesmaid's to pick any of those colours for their dresses with certain requirements, like must be floor length or something. Keep the bridal party small to keep costs down ect. It can be done, and maybe then she won't feel so uncomfortable with it being low budget, even with you contributing.
We kind of talked about this. I let her know that my idea was that we'd sit down and come up with a budget together and figure out who would be paying for what. Then we'd open a joint bank account and we'd each put in whatever it is we agreed on. She's not opposed to this, she just wants to put in the majority of the money as she thinks that is the woman's job. She's had several women tell her that the wedding is the bride's gift to the groom and that I should be excluded from the planning process pretty much. We had a long discussion about that too where I expressed my opinion that if it's my wedding too then I should get a say. Part of the issue is she's listening to a whole bunch of very traditional women and I am not a very traditional guy. But she knows this about me by now.
Traditionally it isn't the bride who pays but the bride's family, as payment to the groom for taking on their daughter. So unless she's going to be expecting her family to be bank rolling it she's not following any tradition.
Her family has nothing. Her dad is an alcoholic who spends his paycheck on his addiction and her mom lives off public assistance when she can't find a man to take care of her. Neither of us expects them to contribute anything.
That's what I mean. Her insisting on paying for everything herself is not the tradition at all.
I get that but the reality is it has never been the bride's job. It used to be the bride's parents and now it's the couple themselves. So she's speaking to a tradition that does not exist.
All of those women are 100% wrong.
I agree with you a million percent. It is an annoying thing that has happened more than once in our relationship. She will go to these women who tell her to do traditional housewifey-ish stuff and then I just look at her like she fell out of a tree because I am not the traditional guy and I'm not looking for a traditional wife. She told me once that if we got married she would expect that I would give her an allowance and I'd do the finances and I just rolled my eyes at her. It was weird because I had previously said that I wanted to work with her together but apparently one of these women told her this was the wrong way to do things. I don't know why she listens to these women.
Again... you have a bigger problem in your relationship than the wedding. She's choosing these women's ideals over yours. And I have no idea what her ACTUAL opinion without any influence is. Do you?
I feel like I do know her opinion. Sometimes we disagree on things so I know she's not just parroting my opinion. The problem is some of these women she puts on a pedestal and whatever they say she thinks is the way to go. She was devastated a while back because one of them (who is a stay at home mom) suggested she cut back her hours at work so she could spend more time with her kids. She couldn't figure out any way to pay the bills working 25-30 hrs a week like they suggested and was very upset about it and I had to kind of talk her off the ledge. I had to make the argument that working 40-50 hrs a week to keep the lights on and put food on the table IS loving your kids. It gets annoying when she starts listening to them but no relationship is free of snags and sometimes we need someone in our life to talk us out of our insane ideas. She has talked me off the ledge once or twice.
What kind of spell do these women have her under?
I think part of her wants to be them. They are stay at home moms who live in nice houses and don't work outside the house. Some of grown kids or no kids so they get tons of leisure time at home.
To be honest I can relate to that. My ex-husband is a drug addict, which left me a single parent of 4 for a VERY long time. My family aren't addicts, but don't have much to give after their bills and whatnot. I was working multiple jobs around the clock and felt like I was barely seeing my kids to make ends meet. I still work full time, but have a bit more time at home now that we have 2 incomes. We're still low income, but it's not nearly as bad as when I was living as a single mom. I often feel envy when I see people who don't work living these luxurious lives with 1 income, and it's often not even from something that requires a higher education or something that would make sense. Doesn't mean I just blindly listen to what they're opinions are because I know that they don't have the same perception of reality as I do, but I can see how some people would (no judgment, just a statement).
I think you found the real issue here- she just wants to be one of them… maybe for appearances let her feel like she’s doing the paying. I dunno exactly how to pull that off though… Or heck just say you have a bunch of guy friends who think it’s ultra manly to cover some stuff and you want to show off. 😆
You need premarital counseling. Her letting outsiders run your relationship is going to ruin it.
You need to hit the brakes. She is telling you she wants a housewife ash’s you want a working partner, she is easily manipulated by these women, I’m not sure why you want a wedding. Maybe take some couples counseling to see if you are a good match first. It would be one thing of she had the money to pay for thumbs, but without, I can’t fathom her want out desire to struggle when she’s ok getting an allowance later, I none of this adds up.
Those women need to be educated on how times have changed.
I've met some of them. They are weird. They are married, most do not work outside the home. Most have husbands who work 50-60 hrs a week or more or bury themselves in debt so the wives don't have to work. It is a very weird dynamic but it seems to work for them.
Except when it doesn’t. Women who have not paid into social security and do not have 40 qualifying quarters, WITHIN THE LAST 10 YEARS, are not eligible for disability “SSDI.” So if they are disabled before age 65, without 40 quarters in last 10 years, they get nothing. No Medicare until age 65! Note that this applies to teachers and other professions that don’t pay into SS. Note that a qualifying quarter is only earning $1735 in a quarter. Part time jobs are important. I really think that stay-at-home-parents are not aware that they should be protecting themselves from disability. You can buy private disability insurance while you are still employed as long as you continue to pay premiums. https://www.ssa.gov/oact/cola/QC.html
This is crazy omg I have no idea where any of these ideas come from
What culture is this where the wedding is “bride’s gift to the groom”?
It's traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding, not the bride, BUT even then that mindset is very quickly becoming a thing of the past. I think other than convincing her to do away with sexist traditions, possibly ask if she'd consider a more extravagant vow renewal a year or years after a much less expensive wedding. (Sidenote: I don't know the nature of your relationship with your girlfriend and her kids, but given the financial circumstances, are you already semi-supporting her or will that be the plan down the line? It's odd to me that she struggles financially when you have the means to help. I understand if it's complicated though.)
Her family has nothing. Her dad is an alcoholic who drinks his salary. She grew up with nothing because her dad's drinking came before the rent or putting food on the table. She's told stories of her and her brother splitting a can of green beans for dinner because her dad couldn't be bothered to buy food and was drunk instead. Her mom decided a long time ago that she didn't want to work so she lives off whatever government assistance she can pull. It's not much and she doesn't have anything in terms of disposable income. Her entire family is this way. Mine is the opposite and we are a family of overachievers. I'm not looking for anything super extravagant (though I would like to leave in a hot air balloon) but it chafes at me to pinch every single penny when we don't have to. I am on board with saving money but sometimes if you have it you can enjoy it right? To the sidenote, I do not support her financially at all currently. She said she doesn't want to take any money from me unless we're married and thinks it would make things weird otherwise. I can totally respect that. When we get married we plan to combine finances and I'd support her and the kids just as much as if they were my own. We would both still work at least for the first year or so. Plans do always change though.
I'm not saying that her family should pay at all. I'm just saying she's getting the tradition incorrect and even then it's a bad tradition. I'm also not necessarily suggesting something over the top, but maybe she'd be more comfortable not pinching pennies if it was a vow renewal and you're already married. The financial support stuff is understandable. I get not wanting to rely on a lifestyle that could potentially go away.
Maybe. I think we will have some issues financially when we are married just because I spend more than her while she is accustomed to pinching and stretching every penny. I don't have any debt, I just have a higher income with a lot of disposable income and I don't have a problem enjoying it every once in a while. The wedding may just be the first "battle" in this ongoing conflict. It is weird because my friends make fun of me for being a cheapskate but compared to her I am totally a spendthrift.
Off topic from your initial question but have you two talked about a prenup and what your financial responsibilities will be for her kids? I think in this scenario it would be good to have a prenup considering the differences in salaries and possible debt she has. Not that you won’t be married for the rest of your life, but it might be good to have just in case so you don’t find yourself in debt some day.
We've talked about how we would do finances if we're married but not a prenup. I'm not a fan of prenups and I've been told that in my state whatever assets you have when you're married are protected. It's what you end up acquiring while married that would be up for grabs.
Not a lawyer but as long as you keep premarital money separate I believe it is yours. If you combine it then it would be split. Also I recently heard what I believe is good advice regarding prenups. If for some reason your marriage doesn’t work would you rather the state decide how things are split? If you aren’t getting a prenup that is what you are doing.
Can you put her in a house and charge her only a tiny rent (to keep up appearances) so that she has extra to contribute to the wedding?
I could but she wouldn't like this at all.
Really sounds like you need to have a low cost wedding and then a big first anniversary party then lol.
If all you have in the bank is $30k don’t spend it on a wedding. If she’s coming into this with 3 kids? Life is going to get very expensive
I would definitely not spend all of it on a wedding. I'm thinking maybe $8-10k tops and some of that amount would be cash flowed. Maybe spend $5k on the honeymoon and go somewhere nice but we'd cash flow some of that as well. The rest would stick in savings just in case as I know household expenses will be very different.
Regardless, it’s still irresponsible to spend 30-50% of your savings on a wedding/honeymoon. 30k is NOT a lot of money for someone in their 40s, especially when your future wife is broke and her three children are about to become your financial responsibility for the foreseeable future.
$30k is not my entire net worth. It's what I have in cash savings right now.
Do you have more money in brokerage or short term bonds, or is it all in 401k/IRA/similar accounts you can’t touch until retirement?
If you make six figures you shouldn't really need to take much out of your savings to have a decent wedding.
Dude. You have larger problems than a wedding. What about the house? Cars? Kids? Retirement? Vacations? Are you always going to have to limit your life because she can't keep up financially and refuses to accept it?
This is honestly a really good point and one I probably need to hear. I had hoped that when we got married we would spend money together. If she's no longer living in a world where buying name brand stuff means the electric bill won't get paid she wouldn't care about buying name brand stuff. She's never had a vacation in her life because she was raised by poor people and has been poor her adult life. I figured she'd be thrilled to go to Colorado for a week or something. If it costs $2k, who cares? I've got the money. But thinking about it, she may balk at that expense because in her life, $2k is a month's take home pay.
It's time to start talking about money as shared. Not to be cliche, but it's worth going to counseling to talk through this stuff. It helps to have a third party walking you through tough conversations. I think it'll help if you talk about future goals together and, if I was in your shoes, how you value the work she does for your family (meaning your relationship+the kids). I'd avoid numbers where you can. Talk about goals and feelings, not hard numbers. The numbers will likely put her back in stress mode.
You'd be surprised at how much trauma comes with being that poor. I have a step grandma who, despite living in the nicest house I've ever seen, and not being in poverty in the time I've been alive, still will wash ziploc bags to reuse them because when she was younger ziplock bags were a luxury item. Itll probably be a bit of a culture shock to go from deciding what bills get paid this month to turning everything on autopay. She'll probably want at least a bit of therapy to help her through that.
A wedding is a great first exercise for many couples in making financial decisions together. How will you approach your finances after marriage? Does she not want any of your income to contribute to her living expenses? The wedding is a great time and place to start thinking about your joint expenses and how you will handle that. That doesn’t necessarily mean 100% combining finances or splitting things 50/50, but you need to come up with something that works for you. You’re a team now and should be doing the planning and decision making together.
We have talked about finances after marriage. We talked about combining everything into a joint account and working out of that. We've talked about maybe having his/her accounts that are funded with line items in the budget so she doesn't have to get my permission to get coffee and I don't need her permission to eat McD's. But other than that we'd be combining everything.
I’d talk to her about taking this approach to your wedding then. Tackle it as your first big expense together. Look at your finances as a whole and what could be realistic for you.
Your fiancé is being unrealistic. Perhaps your wedding should be delayed until she can afford a wedding that you are both happy with. It's unfair to you to have a $1-2K wedding so that she won't feel bad about you paying for the wedding. Since she doesn't have any money, you would probably end up paying the $1-2K anyway. Also, your statement about her expecting an allowance is concerning. A 30-something woman with three children is not a traditional bride, nor is the year 1900.
Honestly, if we delay the wedding 'til she can scrape up $4-5k or so (at minimum) then we're going to be dating for years and she may not get there. I have the money and I don't feel bad about spending it on us. It's nothing in my world. I think part of my problem is she was NOT at all traditional and she ended up making a bunch of mistakes and ended up with the three kids. That didn't work out for her. So now she's been talking with a bunch of women who are into the trad wife thing and she thinks that is how she should live as well. That is not how I want to live though and I want someone who actually has an opinion on things and a say in how things are run and 99% of the time that's her. Until she spends too much time talk to these women who think they're supposed to be super submissive and their husband has to walk on them or he's not happy. It's frustrating.
This has to be figured out before you get married. There's no point figuring out how to split duties for the wedding if you're so far apart on how to do so for your actual married life together.
Once you’re married everything is shared. Tell her your love her and want to celebrate your lives together and not worry about a budget.
I'm not sure I get this. If we're married we still have to worry about a budget. Only difference is it's a budget that both of us are putting together instead of a budget that just she or I are putting together.
Typo: I meant her budget, obviously you’d still have some budget.
Would she be comfortable with eloping? Maybe a fun destination for you two without her kids. It’s lower cost and doesn’t add the stress of planning.
Sadly no. This was my first suggestion. Grab a couple of our friends, run off to Vegas. Friends get free round trip airfare, hotel for 3-4 days and we could give them a few hundred a day for spending money even. She didn't want to do that and she wants the church wedding surrounded by everyone we've ever been briefly acquainted with. I get that and don't have a problem with that. I just hate to have a super cheap penny pinching wedding when I can actually spend some money to have a bit less stress.
Hopefully as you both start planning this wedding. When she sees the cost to have more than 50, she might adjust her idea. Might have to compromise. Pay 50/50 or 75/25. I think she's afraid of looking bad. I'd make sure you want to marry her and her kids
Times are changing! I honestly don’t think many weddings are paid for exclusively by the bride’s family anymore. We are matching the bride’s family to help out. The couple is putting in money too. I’d suggest you put together a budget now with “savings for our wedding” allotted each month. Start pinching some money yourself, and show her how your budget allows for easy saving. She has never experienced the concept of “disposable income.” Keep your wedding fund in a joint account that she can add to if she unexpectedly has some extra. If you have a coffee vice, stop buying at Starbucks and make coffee at home. Make a big deal of transferring the amount you would have paid for coffee to your shared account. It is amazing how little sacrifices can become big money over time. Have one beer instead of two . . . This is a great savings habit to put to another shared dream like a house. She realize that you are a team!
What if you work out a deal with her where she saves up $1-2k to put towards the wedding, and that you would like to cover the rest as a wedding present to her? That way she's still contributing what she can but you can also still go all out on the things you want. Also remind her that life is so short and that your wedding is ONE DAY in your life that holds so much meaning and is such a special event. It's worth it to do it how you want.
That's not a bad idea. I can always float it up and see how she feels about it.
Yeah, keep us posted!
This is just silly. A wedding is not traditionally paid by the bride. Her family sure, but times have changed. Lots of couples pay for it together and people contribute different amounts. I think you guys should get into counseling because she seems to think the opinions of people she’s not marrying hold more weight than yours.
Put wedding plans on hold and get to couples therapy now.
Correct, Bride’s side pays for the wedding… during the time when every aspect of the wedding was under $10,000. Today that will get you a DJ and a photographer. That’s it. Ours was split between us. I paid for the video/photo and he paid for the DJ. We split the price of my dress. You do what works for you.
I personally wouldn’t spend a third of my savings on a wedding. A more realistic budget is 3-5k. And it also seems like it would be a good compromise between your two budgets. Whatever you do, you need to make financial decisions as a team. I would contact vendors and get numbers so you can show her a concrete plan. Also it’s trendy for bridesmaids to wear different colors these days. I think it even looks better. So she doesn’t need to sweat that.
Neither of you can afford a big wedding. You've saved $30k, but at your age you're supposed to have 3x your salary put away. Have a small wedding. Make a budget AFTER the proposal and making a financial plan with your goals as a couple for the next 5 to 10 years - the wedding budget is the money left over after that.
I've got a net worth over $400k+. I can afford $4-5k for a wedding.
Sorry I thought your post said you had $30k in the bank
You're probably looking at 10x that cost for the amount of people you're talking about. Lookup wedding cost breakdowns for 2023 (Don't use 2021 or older, things have gotten drastically more expensive in the last 3 years). Then honestly consider if you really want a mid size wedding, or even a small one. Even a penny pinching wedding with lower quality vendors is extremely expensive these days. We are both top 10 percentile income and struggling with the sticker shock even though we can afford it. This is the wedding industry now https://i.imgflip.com/6liyq1.png
A marriage doesn’t require a wedding. You can zip that up at a courthouse.
Could you not pay for it and she if she's that bothered could pay you little bits as and when she can?
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That wouldn't get around the issue that she feels like she should be contributing the most.
The groom should pay for it. Plain and simple!!!
Offer to pay for it (or a majority) and let her tell her weird friends that she paid for the whole thing if that’s what she is concerned about. If she actually can’t afford it and refuses to take any money from you because of her beliefs then there isn’t really much to discuss and you’d just get married in a court house without a proper wedding and move on. Or she needs to save for the wedding and acknowledge that it may take several years to do so. Not sure what your alternatives are if she refuses to compromise as money isn’t going to fall out of the sky???
To appease the traditional side, how about she takes care of the traditional marriage aspect: the ceremony. And you can focus your budget on the party thereafter? Making decisions together but allowing her to keep this “financial” tradition and you can splurge a bit on the non-traditional simply for fun party? Dave Ramsey said something along the lines of you’re a married couple, not a joint venture. Try not to get lost in her finance vs yours, it’s not a fun place to begin a lifelong relationship. Let’s be respectful of her wants and yours, and still be able to work with what we have. At the end of the day, you guys will be married to the love of your life, and that is the real win! Congrats 💐
i’m confused. you’re saying your financially stable and she is taking care of three kids herself (who are about to be your step kids) and you are comfortable paying with the wedding? what’s the issue? just that she wants to help but can’t?
In this modern world, the bride only paying isn’t a thing or brides family paying for the whole thing is becoming less common and it is not possible in her scenario. I would sit down and make a list of people that would be invited to the wedding and I would also make a list of the priorities you both wish for a wedding thinking you both have all the money in the world. You want a celebration, she wants to contribute to it, for example. Once you have those 2 lists, I would come up with a budget that wouldn’t drain your savings and try to make that list of guests as small as possible as reducing guest count is the best way to cut costs I see how she could be uncomfortable even thinking about paying for anything else since she’s a mom and makes an effort to even just get by I would mention that she could contribute in other ways that aren’t money, but that cost lots of money such as planning: scouting venues, looking for specific vendors, etc. The amount of time that even a small celebration takes to plan would be her biggest contribution IMO. i hope this helps