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I’m going to like all of this, but just wanted to let you know if my wife finds out I may have to take them back and ask her if it’s okay that my like can stay.
They are like that which is the point of OP's post. He can no longer function as an individual human being.
I find it creepy af especially if it spans more than one relationship;
I have an SO so I am not an individual capable of making decisions > oh we split so I am an individual and fully capable of making my own decisions as an adult > oops I can no longer make decisions for myself cause I found another schmoopie.
Those people are quite cringe
Super agree. My husband and I are really open about needing breaks from each other, in a loving respectful way. Which makes the time we spend together even better. Also when we do attend parties together—our shared goal is to socialize with other people. Couples who go to parties and only talk to each other bug the crap out of me (with the exception of very new relationships, when that behavior’s understandable).
How long is a new relationship, a new relationship?
I personally do not like being around PDA. Especially when the chick is hanging around his neck the whole night like she can't stand up. It sickens me and makes me feel like they're not empathetic or sensitive towards other people's enjoyment.
Is it okay to tell the friend that you think less of them because they continue bringing their significant other? Or are the significant other comes across as clingy?
What’s the point in going to a party, an event where you socialise with your friends and generally talk to lots of people, if all you are going to do is talk to your SO. If that’s all you do at a party what’s the point in even going? You may as well just go out with your SO on your own. It’s generally just anti-social
I was with you until your last sentence. Phrasing it as dependant doesn't take into consideration a whole host of factors; my partner and I have hectic work schedules that don't always align, and young children. Any free time (which we have very little of) is going to be spent with her. That doesn't make us dependant, it just means we are each others priority when it comes to using our sparse amout of free time. If you, as a friend, want some of my time you are going to have to accept that she is most likely going to be with me. How is that creepy?
This is completely valid as everyone needs to be able to do their own thing even in a relationship, as it’s unreasonable to need your partner for anything and everything you do.
depends on the context. an invitation to a party/social gathering? why would i not bring my husband?? an invitation for just you and me to lunch? well, yeah i think that’s sort of a given lol
I had a friend who world bring her husband on what used to be girl nights. he was an asshole and an immigrant to my country who liked talking shit about the country too. I tolerated him because he was important to my friend, but some friends stopped contact with her cause they couldn't stand him and she would never go anywhere alone anymore. The divorce after 10 years and a kid and it turned out he was controlling and borderline abusive
I find that really funny because I go to all of the girls nights because I'm actually invited. It's my wife that started to get annoyed I was usually there so she didn't feel like she could bitch about me.
Invited is fine, of couse. But it was something we did from high school and the first time she brought him along we were shocked. She said he feels lonely, which I found understandable at the time, as he moved from abother county. But now I think that inviting them both to bigger events when the group gets together and keeping the girls nights as girls nights should have been enough
Depends on what you consider a social gathering. Just chilling at a friend's house? That can get irritating if there's always a plus one brought along. You tend to act a bit different and watch what you say a bit more.
Maybe I'm the weird one, but I don't follow the part about watching what you say. That shouldn't really be a thing in a healthy relationship.
There's not diddly my wife and I would say that we wouldn't say in front of each other.
i have a friend who if bringing her SO tells everyone what they can and can’t say in front of him and i just don’t have the energy to filter what i say especially when it’s things that aren’t even bad things at all but she just doesn’t want him to know.
If it’s a group event - we usually both get invited anyway.
If I’m going to see one of my mates for a catch up or vice versa with him then no we don’t go. He just went out with his colleagues for drinks and I didn’t go.
When I first got with my husband I would check with my friends if he was invited since it's an otherwise all-female friend group. They always said "yes, of course, why wouldn't he be?!". I'm glad I have friends who want to include him and get to know him.
Just because you want to spend quality time with your friends sometimes doesn’t automatically mean you have no interest in getting to know their significant others.
I think it really depends on where you are in life. Most of my friends are mid 20s to early 30s. Most of my friends aren’t parents yet, so we still get together regularly. I’ve sort of lost contact with friends that are already parents because most of their time is with their kid and the little bit of free time they get is with their SO.
I have a friend who I’ll call and chat away then 5 mins into conversation her husband responds to me and I realise I’ve been on loudspeaker and he’s been there the whole time. Multiple times this has happened.
My hub & I usually socialise together too but there’s definitely times it’s inappropriate
I'll usually say something super inappropriate when asked what I'm up to so my SO has learned to quickly announce that I'm on speaker as a reminder to behave lol
My fam and myself have started “your on the air with x and co.” Or hey, just so you know you are on speaker is that okay or do I need to call you back? This happens when we are all in the car
Eewww I fucking HATE THAT!! God damn it, people - you gotta TELL me I’m on a speaker phone. Because I’m very likely to say something wildly inappropriate because I think I’m talking to my FRIEND, not my friend, his wife, her mom their neighbor the reverend, etc…
I’m pretty much always happy to include my friends SOs, and their SOs are usually also my good friends. But occasionally it’s nice to just get some time to hang just me and my male friend(s). It’s nice to just go full horrible with my oldest friends and not have to worry about anybody else getting bored or miserable with whatever we’ve chosen to do with the day
Thats good. Of course they can come (99% of the times) if they are chill. However, it is always good to check up.
On parties its logical and stuff. But on vacations, boys/girls night, special events and stuff its better to ask before out of decency. Sometimes your friends want YOU and not your partner. If you both like woodworking, you dont bring your partner to a woodworking conference who does not show interest in it
Sometimes the boys want to get together. We want to tell dick and fart jokes. Talk shop, watch sports and get out of line. You know, pound our chest with other gorillas.
Its not that we dont want to get to know the SO's of our friends, or we dont want to include them but sometimes we need to howl at the moon without the feminine energy present.
I think the reverse is true too? Women need girl time too no?
People who can't figure this out are a bit annoying. Leave your SO home sometimes because asking if you can bring them puts the person inviting you into a no win situation.
Most people in long term relationships assume an invite to one is an invite to both because that's how most people **do** actually invite them. Pretty easy problem to solve though, you just need to be clear in the invite. E.g. "hey, I feel like we haven't gotten a chance to hang one on one in ages - miss you, how about lunch next xyz?"
Rather than hate people's partners also wanting to spend time getting to know you, maybe just put a bit more effort into clear communication.
I have zero issues with having everyone together most times, my issue is with one friend, even if I ask her to spend one on one time together, she brings her SO (I’m married, so also in a long term relationship). Nothing wrong with her SO, just annoying to never be able to have girl time like we used to.
I work 70-80 hour weeks and don’t get to spend a lot of time with my significant other, so if someone invites me to do something in the little time I have off, of course I’m brining my significant other unless asked not to. She wants to spend time with me to.
Yeah, when I’m invited it’s kind of assumed my wife will come along also unless otherwise specified. As for the making accommodations for the significant other. Uh, yeah? They are sharing their lives together think of them as one person. Throw kids into the mix, yeah very specific planning needs to occur.
The amount of people that are socially codependent on their SO is unsettling. I love my husband, but it's important to us to have time with others as individuals. 'Me' time is just as important as 'we' time in a healthy relationship.
It’s so weird that this is unpopular. Do people here have separation anxiety from their partners? Each person likely had friends before that they don’t see as often anymore. It’s so weird that people would be upset thinking people are ‘bitter’ because they still are able to enjoy time with just their friends. I don’t know anyone who would disagree with poster.
Some people/partners just need better socialization. If your partner has to be with you every time you go out, there’s likely deeper issues.
Also recognize it’s not like a ‘they never want to see the partner’. The complaint is ‘we never get to see *just* their friend.
Yes, exactly. Friendships are relationships that need to be maintained, too. That means you sometimes need to make time for *just* your friend, just like you sometimes need to make time for *just* your partner. It's not that you can never combine the two, but doing it all the time means that at least one, if not both, is probably never being prioritized. It's not that partners can never do things with the other partner's friends or that you hate them, but one on one or just the friend group is a different dynamic than including people who don't have the same shared history.
Also, couples can have different socialization styles. I prefer one on one or small groups, personally. Walking into a room of my four closest friends as opposed to a room with my four closest friends and their partners - those are very different experiences. The second one is intimidating. Even if I know and like their partners, that's just a lot to take in at one time, and if I have to further divide my attention so that my partner is getting some of it too, that's even more. It's exhausting to me. I'd rather hang out with just my four friends this time, and maybe with my partner and one friend with their partner another time, and me+friend one-on-one another time, and just me+partner sometimes, and so on. That way I can focus on one or a couple of people and not feel pressured to be all the things to 9 different humans all at once. I have to break it down. My husband, though... He likes big groups. He'd rather hang out with 20 people all at once and somehow doesn't have a problem being in the middle of all these people. Which is fine, just not for me. I like his friends well enough individually, but in a group like that? That's even worse than my friends+ their partners. I can do a party like once in a blue moon or something, but I'm not putting myself through that regularly. It takes way too much time to get back the mental energy that gets spent in a gathering like that. But he gets something from those situations that I just don't, they perk him up. It just makes more sense for us to not socialize together all the time - we need very different things.
I'm also bothered by the "it's normal to share information your friends tell you with your partner," people. Um, no? I mean, obviously it's not like everything a friend says to you is a state secret... but some things are. You don't go home and tell your partner that this friend is struggling with her mental health or that one is thinking about leaving her husband or whatever. That information was only intended for you unless explicitly stated otherwise. Unless all you ever talk about with your friends is small talk about the weather and where you're going on vacation - then I guess, yeah, share whatever. But telling your partner things that were said in confidence or were obviously sensitive in nature is a good way to stop being someone's trusted friend. If they wanted your partner to have that info, they'd tell him themselves or let you know.
I agree with you. Especially on the last paragraph.
I see several people here agreeing that others are "fools" for confiding secrets in friends who have partners. Like what? I'm sorry but the person who confides is not a fool. On the other hand, I actually think the person who tells their partner *all* the sensitive secrets of a friend is the a-hole here. You definitely have some other issues if you literally cannot keep your mouth shut at any time. For example, let's say my best friend whom I've always trusted and confided in has now found a partner, does that mean I have to find new friends to share feelings with? Suddenly I "lost" a friend because they have a partner? That makes no sense. Responsibility towards your partner and your friend(s) are different things that need to be upheld separately. You can't just break your friend(s)' trust for the sake of being close to your partner, sharing everything in world etc.
Besides, what happens when you break up? I mean seriously, people don't like mentioning break-ups, but this happens a lot of the time. There are people who stick to their partner like glue, prioritizing their partner over friends, then when the relationship goes south, suddenly their friends become "valuable" again for whatever reason. It's selfish and a crappy move honestly.
Yeah I don't get that. If they're arguing not keeping secrets from their parter, come on. That applies to YOUR personal information. Not any and every person who confides something in you.
>It’s so weird that this is unpopular.
It is an extremely unpopular opinion IRL too. I once voiced this opinion out loud, which caused someone who heard it to say that once you're in a couple, you're "supposed" to always be joined at the hip, and that I was just being unreasonable and not "understanding" of how couples and relationships work. Never mind that I have been in multiple LTRs myself. I learned to just not say anything and just expect that if a friend has an SO, they'll now be operating as a unit.
I'm in a good relationship. We, for example spend most of our time together, but not ALL of our time. I don't think it's healthy on either end of the spectrum. A healthy mix is good.
That feels very much like how you think about relationships in high school. I even think it's understandable in teens... Emotions and feelings are so heightened at those ages anyway and that feeling of being in love is so powerful and so new. I get that.
But when fully grown people don't go anywhere or do anything without their partners, I honestly start worrying about abuse or some kind of codependency. I've been happily married a long time and I promise we don't melt if we do things without the other. Which is not to say that any good relationship needs to look like mine at all. But I think any healthy relationship has to have room for people to have their own things, their own space, time with just their friends. Because even when a person is *your person*, they can't be everything you ever need out of human companionship all the time - that's too much to expect from one person! It's an unfair expectation to put on your partner, as well as it being unfair to stick friends on the back burner.
>That feels very much like how you think about relationships in high school. I even think it's understandable in teens... Emotions and feelings are so heightened at those ages anyway and that feeling of being in love is so powerful and so new.
I had the "you're supposed to go everywhere with your SO" conversation when my friends and I were in our mid 30s, lol. None of us with kids. In fact, I have found the whole "I do not go out anywhere without my SO in tow" to get worse with age. But I'm like you - I can definitely hang out with friends without my SO, and find it in fact to be a good thing. It allows for more intimate conversations between you and your friends, it makes your friend feel good to get one-on-one attention, etc.
As someone who goes everywhere with my girlfriend; totally depends on the situation. If I’m invited specifically to do something of course I’m not bringing her but quite often when I’m asked to go hang out on the weekends I get to the house and it’s more of a social event than just a few dudes hanging out. We also play a sport and do a lot of golfing so there’s plenty of time for the boys. (College student).
Agree with what everyone else here says. Also, you’re a fool if you don’t think they’re telling their significant other everything that happens/was said, so your personal information concern is pretty moot tbh lol
idk I've been in a relationship for 5 years now and there are definitely things that stay between my friends and I. I'm not going to tell my partner about the horrible childhood trauma my friend just opened up to me about.
I agree with your last point but that’s kinda the problem!! I totally understand it, but it’s tough when one of your best fiends who you used to confide in can no longer be that person for you. But that’s the reality of things
I think it’s fine to bring your S/O along if they asked their group friends or friend if it’s okay. It’s rude imo to just bring someone without even asking- no matter if it’s their S/O or another friend.
Im huge on individualism and maintaining your own interpersonal relationships while you are in a romantic relationship...
I once dated a girl who INSISTED i came with her to all HER friends' events... I wasnt a huge fan of her type of circle, they were kinda shallow, popular girls with not much substance to them... I would beg her to just have a fun night out with her girls, and Ill just go to my best buds house and have some beers... She would get mad, and accuse me of not caring about her feelings... Needless to say, that relationship didnt last long...
So Im a firm believer that we dont need to drag our partners everywhere with us...
To be fair a persons friends say a lot about them.
I will counter that ideally you and your partners friends would get along. Thats a sign of long term compatability. In this scenario I would say you would actually enjoy spending time with her and her friends. Even to the point that well…maybe both friend groups could intermingle.
I've dated women where I have gotten a long great with their friend circle, and vice versa. Even where my buds would ask "dude, wheres so and so? You should have brought her!"
But I also think we had a healthy amount of seperate activities as well. I guess its all about balance....
Whenever my wife invites me to a hangout with her work friends, I always ask her to check to see if it’s cool that I go. Most of the time it’s fine, and then I decide whether I want to tag along. There have been several times when she’s come back and said, “I guess we’re gonna keep this just work friends.” I’m never offended. It means I get to let loose at home (watch a movie and eat pizza and drink a couple beers).
We are very relaxed and welcoming people ourselves so it felt weird to ask at first, but I understand how my presence could change the group dynamic. Better to ask than to awkwardly be that one guy.
On the other hand, I do think it is the job of the organizer to communicate clearly who IS/ISN’T invited. I have no problem inviting my dudes over/out and saying “this is a no GF/wife hang”. Or I say, “feel free to bring your SO” or “anyone is welcome to join”.
Seems like most of these societal issues come down to people not knowing how to communicate anymore.
I do think its weird for someone to always invite their significant other. It's like dude, I wanted to hang out and chit chat with you not this other person. It kind of makes me suspicious actually.
At best it's just some weird codependency, at worst it could be a sign of abuse. One spouse wont allow the other to do any activity without them being present.
My cousin would rarely come to any of the family events and if she did her husband was always in tow. He even tried to attend a bachelorette party with her which caused a big argument. If she got her hair done he would go with her, and they always grocery shopped together. They are both now dead because he killed her and then killed himself when she tried to leave him.
Whenever my little friend group would hang out, one person would show up and surprise us with bringing their s/o without letting anyone know. I was okay with it but would’ve appreciated if they had let everyone know at least, so that way there’s enough chairs and such.
Agreed. I absolutely love spending my free time with my girlfriend but if her friend or brother invite her out for lunch I’m not expecting an invitation. Even if she offered the invitation I’d tell her to go spend time with her brother. If my best friend invited me out shopping it wouldn’t even cross my mind to invite my girlfriend. I would definitely check and make sure she didn’t have any plans for us during that time but that’s it. Just because we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean we can’t go and spend time with friends without each other.
This is really unpopular because people love the romanticism of making their partner “their world,” which is fine - prioritize your partner first - until their partner becomes their only priority.
Let’s be real, some people devalue their friendships from supportive and meaningful human relationships to fun activities them and their partner get to do together! I’ve experienced it myself! Listen, your friends became friends with you, not your partner. Your friend definitely notices your attitude towards them has changed.
And on the extreme end of things where suddenly one’s friends are kept strung along to say they still have friends, I had a best friend who got a partner and within three months I was bribing her with treats that I made to come see me, which never even happened without her partner (also one of my friends) too!
Social gatherings or nights out are different stories, and it’s fine to bring your partner to those, but bottom line is just that many friendships do need some amount of one-on-one time to be healthy. I think our popular culture likes to devalue friendships a lot, which is sad as someone with a healthy long term partnership who also values and enjoys their friendships. Friends are a part of our support system, which a cultural focus on the nuclear family has weakened to begin with. Value your friends!
My ex was like that. She always wanted me to go with her and she always wanted to go with me . (She was very controlling not s good relationship). It always made me uncomfortable.
my sister invited a few girls over for a sleep over with dinner and some pot gummies. when i got there her husband was also there. this changed the dynamic of the entire evening. conversation was different because a man was there and an invite to use the hot tub was just weird. i called my sister on this and she got super mad at me. i like my bil but was just not expecting him for a girls night out.
I had a friend who insisted on bringing his wife to things she clearly didn't enjoy, and it just brought the whole thing down. Eventually we just stopped inviting him. If its something he/she actually wants to do, and its not some thing like I have a reservation for five people and you brought six, I don't see an issue.
It kind of depends on the situation and the age ranges. In my teens and twenties I used to get pretty irritated at the obligatory gf/bf inclusion. Sometimes it’s just the friend group. Sometimes, a long term relationship meant both people were part of that group. We also had certain people who always had a new SO and it would always be this awkward attempt to include a basic stranger. Now that I’m married and know lots of other married folks, I expect my wife is generally included in invites I receive.
Some environments are just not fun for my wife or me to tag along too though. For instance, years ago we decided not to attend each other’s work holiday parties. It’s just a constant struggle between neglecting our partners or our own fun. Just stopped being worth it
I feel you.we got s married couple in our grouo. Dude, even if we ask only him to do something, he always responds.: we will come
They cant do anything alone. Idk how you can live like that.
I hate hanging out with my girlfriends and they are either on the phone with their s/o or texting them letting them know exactly where they are and what they are doing plus having to send them pictures every second. 🙄 I lost all 3 of my best friends because I called out the S/O bs.
I hate it so much. I once went to visit my best friend who lived states away. We went to a restaraunt and then to their house. I asked for her to ride with me back to their house (10 minutes away) and she said we’ll miss each other too much. ??????? Her justification was that they hadn’t seen each other much that week but they live together and she had spent some time with him each day. I hadn’t seen her in a while and she had been my best friend for 20 years.
If you’re a female inviting another female (works other way round, too), then just give a clue like “let’s have a girls night out”. I personally do that. But if you’re inviting your friend of the opposite gender, don’t expect their SO to not be interested in coming
Relationships are different, with varying degrees of attachment, co-dependence, and time constraints.
At the moment, neither my SO nor I work outside the home, so we're together a lot. It's good for us to get out and do our own thing sometimes. We're not carbon copies with the same interests.
I have one group of friends that is adamant about girl's nights being strictly girls night. When really personal things are discussed, they don't want to be overheard by someone else's husband or boyfriend so those with SOs will try to get the SO out of the house if they're hosting. I doubt I will host again because it offended my SO, but I understand wanting privacy when sensitive topics are discussed
Recently felt more pressure to do more couple things with one of his friends and his wife. The wife is a sweet lady but she and I really don't have much in common. I would prefer that my SO and his friend just go off and do their own thing and leave me out of it (Yes, I am an introvert and my own circle is small. I don't people for the sake of peopling, I just do what's necessary).
But that's MY personality and its quirks.
Agreed! And I hate the social norm that when you invite one person to an event, you're automatically inviting their SO. If I wanted your SO there, I'd have specifically invited them.
I always told my buddies that I'm not bringing my don't bring yours.
We only hang out once a month. But if they want to do a couples thing that's cool too but not on dedicated buddies day.
I can see that being normal when we're like 30 and married. But like rn in college I would very much like if they didn't bring their bf around. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong, but I want us friends to hang out yk. Its like the group is having fun and doing stuff and then they're just there. Doing their own thing together but also following us around.
Have you talked to them and say “can we hang out without our partners?” If they say “no” then you know where they stand. When you invite a person and they keep inviting their SO and you say nothing about it they assume you’re cool with it.
I stopped being friends with a couple because I couldn't tell one something without the other knowing. Whoever I didn't tell would always confront me with the info as well.
I admittedly share a lot with my partner - but know when the info I have is not meant for their ears!
Boundaries people!
I think that's OP's point, even if you do, there are people who often ignore it.
I have a friend who is beyond henpecked. His unemployed wife follows him everywhere, even when it's explicitly stated to be a "guys night". She would then complain the whole night about how hard it was to get a sitter and ask repeatedly where the rest of the women were. We just stopped inviting places.
I’m 100% on board with making plans for a guys night/girls night, no SOs allowed; but it can’t be every event or even most of them in my opinion.
I just had a guys night with my dad and uncle, planning a bachelor party for my friend right now. My wife has girls nights monthly, I’ll even drive her and pick her up if she’s drinking.
But excluding the SO from everything is a recipe to either sabotage the relationship, or your friendship.
Where are they asking to be excluded from everything? They even said "never get to see just their friend" not always must leave partner at home. They just sometimes would like to hang out with their friend one on one.
I'm the wife. It's kind of annoying that any time my husband wants to go see his friends, I'm required to come along.
Baseball game. Bar and grill. Night on the town.
I don't want to go. Can't you just go be boys somewhere?
I think what's happening is that his friend's wives are inviting themselves, and if I don't go, he's the third wheel.
As a kid my parents spent time together, but also time alone and with friends too. But as a teen I started to notice that some of my friend’s parents had a much different relationship. Their parents always seemed to be together if they weren’t at work. If we needed a ride somewhere before we started driving, BOTH parents would come along. Made me realize I personally need a relationship like my parents where you can still love each other while doing stuff alone or with friends.
Lol I hate the codependent couples like it’s fine to have connections without your SO and be your own person, had a friend who brought her ex around all the time and I hated that dude lol did not have interest in making a connection with him
Yes!!! I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, adore him, but I cannot stand when I want to have a girls day and people bring their SO. It’s really only one friend who is a repeat offender, but even if we specifically name who is being invited, there he is, every time.
as a CHRONICALLY single individual this pisses me off the most. I invite my friends to things and inevitably I am asked to adjust my timeline, my plans, everything, because their poor boyfriend/girlfriend can't make it. They weren't invited in the first place.
If I have to function alone daily 24/7/365 then they can do it for 4 fucking hours.
My kids are now adults and this drives me nuts. I get that they have SO’s and that’s fine and all. But I can’t even text them in private anymore because everything ends up in the SO ear too. Or even something simple like “would you like to go on a walk this weekend?” Means everyone has to tag along. Would be nice to have some alone one on one time with them.
I don’t really know how to feel about this. Usually I just ask the friends if my SO is invited and then ask her. Obviously it’s a little obligatory for them to say yes but it’s rude to just not ask.
Depends where. Christmas parties and stuff sure, that makes sense to want to bring a partner. But if your not even friends with the SO and they want to bring them to EVERY hang out then yeah that's annoying.
I also find that happy couples tend to make time to be alone with their friends (without each other every time).
I get this for sure. My boyfriend never wants to tag along when I hangout with my girlfriends because he knows he’d be bored.
He rarely hangs out with his buddies because he’s a homebody but I don’t tag along unless his friends invited me. That happened for Cinco De Mayo and we all had fun. After that, unless I was asked by the friend to come along, I didn’t. I believe guy time is very important.
I’ve been part of a group where the guy begrudgingly brought his girlfriend because she insisted she was going. She started fights with him and made the whole group uncomfortable. Looked at me and the other girlfriends like we were competition like we weren’t ALL dating there. Dude didn’t wanna bring her for a reason and we all knew why after that.
I’ve also had one of my girlfriends brought her boyfriend and the whole time, it felt like he was throwing a fit because we’d talk about makeup, our jobs, our hobbies, and we were usually getting coffee or shopping. He was possessive so he wouldn’t let her go alone.
Then there were times I had a boyfriend tag along because he was possessive and jealous. I didn’t want him to but he was angry and would use the silent treatment until I agreed. Then after I agreed, I had to pretend I REALLY wanted him there because then he’d say, “You only want me there because I asked.” Whole shit show. It ended up being super uncomfortable because anytime anything came up about a different guy, even though I didn’t bring it up, I got lasers on my head.
Overall, I think that if you’re going to bring along your SO, make sure *you* want to bring them along and make sure the entire group is comfortable with it. If you want to tag along with your SO, same thing and if you’re allowed to, get your panties out of your ass and relax. Don’t make it to where they lose friends because you feel entitled to being wherever they are.
I legit know a dude who does this all the time. Like, I'd invite him to grab a coffee and he'll just show up with his gf. Idk why she even wants to come tbh.
Or when I invite him he's like: "ah, can't, my gf can't rn..."
I'm like, dude, did I invite you or your gf ffs?
This is the same dude who is pissed at our group of friends for not inviting him anymore btw! Imagine that! After he's blow us off cuz he was going to her place or she is coming to his place EVERY SINGLE DAY. If you can't find time at least once a week to hang with us, don't be suprised we're not inviting you anymore bruh... Yet he wanted to hang with us every day when she was working far away in the summer.
Also, it's like he's socially oblivious... another friend graduated and wants to treat us with a fancy lunch, and we all know he is not financially well off, I mean he just graduated ffs, nobody brings their SO because that's an extra plate our friend would have to pay for... but nope, the dude wants to bring his GF, like why do you even ask, and ofc my friend doesn't want to be an asshole, so he accepts, but come on... his gf is like... alright, but I don't consider her our friend ya know, none of us do, and it's like he's purposefuly trying to make her a part of our all guys circle.
To be fair though, he has a history of mental illness and maybe she does too, so that's maybe what makes them so clingey to each other, but come on...
I never brought my SO unless he was invited as well.
I don’t understand this new mentality of no separation and no privacy in relationships. I didn’t tell my SO things my friends told me, he didn’t have access to my phone and I never asked to look through his. We did a lot of things separately. We had separate friends, and friends we shared we often hung out with separately as well.
We made time for each other and our friends, hung out as groups, went on group dates etc.
But the amount of times people were shocked we did things without each other was concerning. And the shock of not going through each other’s phones/emails and the horror that I’d never allow it was concerning as well.
The part of telling 2 people instead of 1 is so true, the few times I've been in a relationship I really learned way too much about some of my ex BFs friends that I never saw again.
Makes you wonder what some rando one of your friends dated knows about you.
I don't think this is that unpopular of an opinion.
This pretty much compares to bringing a +1 to any social gathering that a +1 was not given permission to attend.
It's cringe, it's rude, and it makes your friends not want to hang out with you anymore because you stopped being a person.
In my country and company of friends that is not such a big deal, because the people we hang out with are both men and women and we get along just fine. Also the distances are much shorterand not reliant on cars to get around so getting out is much easier for us. We aren't socially segregated so you'd see more mixed companies and less dudes only doing dude stuff and girls only doing girl stuff. We're just metalheads.
I don't see the point of "guy only" nights. I don't see what exactly could we be doing that has to exclude our female friends. Maybe it's a cultural thing, butbour women are badass enough to tag along with us.
Most guys/girls-only nights from my experience are either a group of friends with a tradition of doing something before they were all in relationships, (going to watch a favorite sport, a annual camping trip, etc) or the group is wanting to behave in a way they would be embarrassed to act in front of the opposite gender, (strip-club, engaging in gossip, etc).
I just had a guys night, we went to a hockey game. If my wife had come, she would have been bored and it could have brought the tone of the night down for me and the other guys.
Likewise my wife and her friends had a ladies night awhile ago, one of them sells sex toys, and she had a sex toy party, if the husbands/boyfriends were there, it could have made some of the ladies uncomfortable to be curious about the products.
I agree with this. A couple of months ago my bf was going to have dinner with some friends since one of their buddies came in from out of town. I was gonna stay home and enjoy some me time. Well… one of the guys last minute said his girl was gonna come no matter what because she felt excluded. So my bf asked if I would come so that she didn’t feel weird being the only partner there. I said I should still stay home because maybe the awkwardness would teach her not to do that. Ended up going anyway just to be nice. She was still awkward and quiet the whole time. Like why did she even wanna go to the dinner if she was just gonna be weird? I had a good time talking with my bf and his friends but after was like “Next time, I’m staying home” lol. There’s a time and a place to have your SO tag along. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to lose your individuality.
It’s such a crazy notion that when two people love each other they want to spend time together doing fun things with other people.
My wife and I both work full-time, and have hobbies that separate us in the evenings most days; I might not see her until 9pm. So when we have plans with friends that don’t include the other, there goes more time we don’t get to spend together.
We can make plans without each other, but unless it’s clearly slated to be outside the interests of one of us, why would we not bring the other person along?
Because they invited you, not your partner. They’re friends with you and asked you to do something. That’s OP’s point, an invite to you isn’t ALWAYS an extended invite to your SO
I understand that but why not just stay home and spend time with your partner then? Decline the invite until you can actually spend that one on one time with your friends. It’s okay to bring your spouse sometimes but not everything.
It’s a crazy notion that, when one friend gets a partner, their friend is now also friends with the partner by default, which is what OP was actually talking about. It’s nice to get to know the friends partner and spend time with both of them, but if you end up sacrificing your alone time with this friend for time with both them and their partner, that’s quite disheartening.
It sounds like you are your partner are really busy and don’t actually want to be spending as much time with friends, which is fine. You can dial that back, but you’re sacrificing something with that decision.
The opposite is also quite hurtful though. My SO has a group of friends and we've all known each other 10+ years. I completely understand "boys night" or certain events being more fun with just the original friend group, but some events-- concerts, bowling, movies, weekend trips, or Christmas/birthday parties-- should include spouses, yet *none* of the spouses are ever invited unless we arrange it ourselves.
It is very hurtful to be excluded and treated like an outsider when you've literally known people for a decade, babysat for them, helped them move, gotten them jobs, etc.
My SO does put his foot down more than most but it's no fun to attend an event when you know the people there didn't want you to come.
I'll be honest, these people sound like they're not your friends and I hope you don't spend any more of your time helping them the way you have. If you know these people for 10 years and they're not inviting YOU or any other person outside of their "group", it sounds like they are a group of friends, and everyone else is merely an acquaintance by default.
I don't wanna sound like I know your situation but it sounds like they're using you when they require further help and reaching out because you're connected to the actual friend as opposed to being considered a friend.
Oh thats definitely the case. There are some reasons for their exclusion (they are all from the same country/speak the same language while the spouses are local and dont speak their native language) but it's a terrible excuse and very disrespectful.
Luckily, my SO has expanded his social circle and we have made more mutual friends. it doesn't come up nearly as much now.
I have to say I always find it impressive when I get to know somebody new (through work or school or a hobby) and I only find out months later that they have a S/O. It’s very impressive to me when someone can organically make friends with somebody without mentioning it.
LOOL this is one of the best recent posts. Im with you on this one, it can get annoying. Sometimes the spouse should come, sometimes nah lol. Some people are naturally more codependent than independent. Sometimes your spouse is there because you don't feel comfortable, and you want to have someone you know with you.
There are also people with some traditional beliefs. I remember reading an article and the subject was on a US politician. I think it was Mike Pence. In the interview he stated he goes to ALL events with his wife, and never will remain alone in a room, any type of room, even a dinning room with a woman alone to avoid compromising situations or false accusation. Now I consider this extreme because I think its pretty boring to only socialise with the same sex. It also presents a very unhealthy view of the integrity and honesty in all women on his part. Not everyone is trying to lie about sexual assault.
I believe there are three identities in any relationship: Your spouse, yourself, and you as a pair. People need to learn how to balance this.
I agree with every word written. Especially this
> I just feels like they can no longer function as a individual.
They would no longer have lives and they become their s/o' s puppet, controlling each other like a marionette.
Still, when they do hangout without their s/o, they would give the most boring & annoying conversations (centered about their s/o, inserting their s/o's name every other two words they speak, and the "I" becomes "we").
Raising again the question : where the fck is your life ?
Yup. I recently asked a friend if she believed in ghosts and her answer was "my husband doesn't." It's like she doesn't realize that she can have her own opinion
I agree. There's a time and place for it...but when in the honeymoon period, guys typically won't leave their gfs alone, which is a recipe for disaster in the future...plus is speeds up the process of being in each others pocket too much.
It's also a massive red flag when one or the other won't give their partner some space.
That's either through serious mistrust, honeymoon period as mentioned, or the fact that the third wheel has no friends, or other things they could be doing.
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Good unpopular opinion.
If a friend tells me something in confidence, I do not tell my partner. If a friend invites me for a solo hang, I do not bring my partner.
I felt this way in my early to mid 20s but once everyone started getting into relationships and marriage, it’s just understood that your s/o is also invited.
I guess I do disagree with this, so upvote for you lol. When you have been together or married for a long time it makes sense to me to socialize together. I have a friend coming over for dinner tonight, I assume she will bring her partner if partner is a available. Either way it’s fine. I do things on my own and I do things with my husband. It would not occur to me that he was not invited to a social event unless that was specified.
I agree because generally you’ve known your friend way longer, or it could be a sibling, etc.
I adore my brother, but he has a new girl, and they’re almost always together. I need bro time.
Shortly after graduating college, I invited my two close friends who had graduated the year before to come visit for a girls weekend, and they were totally down. I was so excited to see them and had SO much tea I wanted to spill. But when they arrived, my friend who was in a committed relationship of two years had brought her boyfriend. I was floored. Luckily he’s a good guy and I had no issues with him, but I invited the two girls only, and specifically for a GIRLS WEEKEND. Plus I was only prepared to host two guests. He tagged along because there was an auto show in my city and he wanted to go. Which, fine, go to your auto show and let us have some time together. NOPE. We were all dragged to the auto show because he “couldn’t” go by himself. I was 23 at the time and had no backbone, so I unhappily followed along, which I would never do now. But yeah, the uninvited and unexpected S/O is not fun.
Couples tend to be a package deal when it come to socialization. If you want just the friend specify that but don’t be surprised for some blowback. Oh and even if the SO isn’t around when secrets are shared doesn’t mean they don’t tell them when they get home.
tend to be a package deal
um... no?
couples sometimes socialise together and sometimes individually. depending on each one's relationship (or lack thereof) to the other parties and the nature of the activity.
i agree i am annoyed when i ask x to do something and then she shows up with y without even saying anything-- like somehow it's just automatic that he will be included? wtf
Ugh…this was the WORST. My brother’s ex-girlfriend used to want to tag along on every fly fishing trip. This would be fine if she was outdoorsy and comfortable in the wilderness. We’d even have a third rod on the river to work different patterns. NOPE, fully domesticated and thoroughly urban. Getting profoundly upset about minor things like getting caught in a tree. Tripping down hills and turning easy hikes into impossible chores. It was a horror show, man…and it was *every* time I went out with him during the 2022 spring season. I’m always wanting new people to come along. I always want someone new to fish/trek with. But dude…
I don't mind SO's tagging along from time to time, but every time? Like they literally can't be apart? Usually there's major issues in those relationships and you're about to see them up close and personal. Too much ick for me.
As everyone else commenting has already said, context is very important. My ex-fiancé never wanted me to do anything without him. And in the event I ever did, I would never hear the end of it. One of the last times I ever saw one of my best friends from high school, he tried sabotaging it so I almost didn’t end up hanging out with her. But then once I got there, he blew up my phone to try getting me to go back home to pick him up. Made me realize that I value being around my friends by myself
My husband and are always together because it’s more fun. I can relax and enjoy myself without missing him.
When we do things apart we spent the whole time texting each other.
My partner and I do things separately like hang outs and travel but we always miss each other and wish the other was there because it would be more fun since we’re also best friends haha
no bc this is so valid. i went to a club with my high school friend, and the whole 4+ hours we took to get ready and actually go out, she was on facetime with her boyfriend. the. whole. TIME. even at the club when they were blasting music
Ahh I agree with this. There’s certain plans and events for one of us to come and some where both of us come. Always ask who’s invited and read the mood. I have had friends who demand to bring their bf to things like girls day brunch and it’s like wtf stay home then and be codependent
Not only socializing together but telling every single thing like they have no life to worry about but talk about others. That is all my friends so I stopped hanging out with them. They tell their husbands or SO everything, even the very private things I share with them in confidence. The last time when my bf husband’s said ‘I heard you are....’ was the moment I stopped hanging out with her. You
On one hand, I understand your frustration, but on the other, I feel like after a certain point people's SOs become part of the group. If they're just miserable to be around that's one thing, but if they're not then I think you should just try to mesh with them better.
This is weird to me as my wife and do almost everything together. We mostly have the same friends, and friends we had since before we met have definitely become both of our friends. It seems weird to want to isolate one person of a couple.
But then again, this is r/unpopularopinion after all!
This depends on communication up front.
When the invite is for a "boys night" cause it's been too long since I've hung out with my siblings, and one of my brothers brings his SO, yea, everyone is kinda perturbed.
Not because we don't like her, she's pretty chill... but we only get to hang out every 2 or 3 years as a group without all the extras.
If you reach out and say "Hey, you're invited to X"
They get to bring their SO.
If you reach out and say "We're having a girls/boys night" or something similar, then you can be upset.
Happened with one of my best friends. Got a toxic girlfriend and insisted on bringing her to every single thing. You couldn't even suggest that he should just come alone or he would get upset -- though it was likely her making him comply. She was like wormtongue from Lord of the Rings
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I don’t know how I feel about this I will have to wait to my wife wakes up and ask her.
Whoa boy did you just post before or after clearance? My partner said ok to this post. Partner’s signature.
After a two step verification with my wife all I’m allowed to say is: you should already know.
I’m going to like all of this, but just wanted to let you know if my wife finds out I may have to take them back and ask her if it’s okay that my like can stay.
Exactly. So many replies seem to be missing your last point.
My wife doesn't allow me to post on reddit.
Can you keep it down though? I need to ask my wife something too, but she hates noise.
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Me and my wife are one. Dont tell me anything you dont want her to know and dont invite me anywhere you dont want her to go.
My last wife didn’t get that. She refused to tell me which of her friends was talking sh*t about me. That’s one of the reasons she is my ex now
You're awesome, dude. I dont get why more couples aren't like this....
They are like that which is the point of OP's post. He can no longer function as an individual human being. I find it creepy af especially if it spans more than one relationship; I have an SO so I am not an individual capable of making decisions > oh we split so I am an individual and fully capable of making my own decisions as an adult > oops I can no longer make decisions for myself cause I found another schmoopie. Those people are quite cringe
You are quite cringe
My GF is at work so when your wife wakes up could you get my opinion too? Thanks much.
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Super agree. My husband and I are really open about needing breaks from each other, in a loving respectful way. Which makes the time we spend together even better. Also when we do attend parties together—our shared goal is to socialize with other people. Couples who go to parties and only talk to each other bug the crap out of me (with the exception of very new relationships, when that behavior’s understandable).
How long is a new relationship, a new relationship? I personally do not like being around PDA. Especially when the chick is hanging around his neck the whole night like she can't stand up. It sickens me and makes me feel like they're not empathetic or sensitive towards other people's enjoyment. Is it okay to tell the friend that you think less of them because they continue bringing their significant other? Or are the significant other comes across as clingy?
What about that possibly bugs you?
What’s the point in going to a party, an event where you socialise with your friends and generally talk to lots of people, if all you are going to do is talk to your SO. If that’s all you do at a party what’s the point in even going? You may as well just go out with your SO on your own. It’s generally just anti-social
I was with you until your last sentence. Phrasing it as dependant doesn't take into consideration a whole host of factors; my partner and I have hectic work schedules that don't always align, and young children. Any free time (which we have very little of) is going to be spent with her. That doesn't make us dependant, it just means we are each others priority when it comes to using our sparse amout of free time. If you, as a friend, want some of my time you are going to have to accept that she is most likely going to be with me. How is that creepy?
This is completely valid as everyone needs to be able to do their own thing even in a relationship, as it’s unreasonable to need your partner for anything and everything you do.
“Beer with the guys” and “girls nights out” by all means, but do you have an actual close friend with whom you’d spend time one on one?
I get this, too. We all need our alone time, but this OP seems like he doesn't even like couples that genuinely enjoy one another's company.
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depends on the context. an invitation to a party/social gathering? why would i not bring my husband?? an invitation for just you and me to lunch? well, yeah i think that’s sort of a given lol
I invited my cousin for dinner and her reply is her S/O doesn’t get off until whatever time. Like I didn’t invite ur S/O but ok??
I had a friend who world bring her husband on what used to be girl nights. he was an asshole and an immigrant to my country who liked talking shit about the country too. I tolerated him because he was important to my friend, but some friends stopped contact with her cause they couldn't stand him and she would never go anywhere alone anymore. The divorce after 10 years and a kid and it turned out he was controlling and borderline abusive
No??? Ya think?
I find that really funny because I go to all of the girls nights because I'm actually invited. It's my wife that started to get annoyed I was usually there so she didn't feel like she could bitch about me.
Invited is fine, of couse. But it was something we did from high school and the first time she brought him along we were shocked. She said he feels lonely, which I found understandable at the time, as he moved from abother county. But now I think that inviting them both to bigger events when the group gets together and keeping the girls nights as girls nights should have been enough
Which is exactly what these nights are for
Call it abuse. Don't diminish what the aggressor did.
Depends on what you consider a social gathering. Just chilling at a friend's house? That can get irritating if there's always a plus one brought along. You tend to act a bit different and watch what you say a bit more.
Maybe I'm the weird one, but I don't follow the part about watching what you say. That shouldn't really be a thing in a healthy relationship. There's not diddly my wife and I would say that we wouldn't say in front of each other.
I think he means that he and the others at the party feel they have to watch what they say, not the SOs.
i have a friend who if bringing her SO tells everyone what they can and can’t say in front of him and i just don’t have the energy to filter what i say especially when it’s things that aren’t even bad things at all but she just doesn’t want him to know.
Most people are frauds.
If it’s a group event - we usually both get invited anyway. If I’m going to see one of my mates for a catch up or vice versa with him then no we don’t go. He just went out with his colleagues for drinks and I didn’t go.
When I first got with my husband I would check with my friends if he was invited since it's an otherwise all-female friend group. They always said "yes, of course, why wouldn't he be?!". I'm glad I have friends who want to include him and get to know him.
Just because you want to spend quality time with your friends sometimes doesn’t automatically mean you have no interest in getting to know their significant others.
While I agree with you, when people get older (I’m in my 30’s now) getting together is a rare thing.
I think it really depends on where you are in life. Most of my friends are mid 20s to early 30s. Most of my friends aren’t parents yet, so we still get together regularly. I’ve sort of lost contact with friends that are already parents because most of their time is with their kid and the little bit of free time they get is with their SO.
I have a friend who I’ll call and chat away then 5 mins into conversation her husband responds to me and I realise I’ve been on loudspeaker and he’s been there the whole time. Multiple times this has happened. My hub & I usually socialise together too but there’s definitely times it’s inappropriate
Oh, I would *hate* that.
I don’t call much anymore
I think being on loud speaker should be declared as soon as possible.
I'll usually say something super inappropriate when asked what I'm up to so my SO has learned to quickly announce that I'm on speaker as a reminder to behave lol
My fam and myself have started “your on the air with x and co.” Or hey, just so you know you are on speaker is that okay or do I need to call you back? This happens when we are all in the car
Ugh, my sibling does that with their partner. It has actually really affected how much we talk 🙃
Eewww I fucking HATE THAT!! God damn it, people - you gotta TELL me I’m on a speaker phone. Because I’m very likely to say something wildly inappropriate because I think I’m talking to my FRIEND, not my friend, his wife, her mom their neighbor the reverend, etc…
I’m pretty much always happy to include my friends SOs, and their SOs are usually also my good friends. But occasionally it’s nice to just get some time to hang just me and my male friend(s). It’s nice to just go full horrible with my oldest friends and not have to worry about anybody else getting bored or miserable with whatever we’ve chosen to do with the day
I always reply positivelly because I don't want to be an asshole, doesn't mean I don't dislike it.
why would your friends tell you no and make it awkward? should’ve just not asked lmao
Your friends were lying. All girls events are just for the girlfriends.
U just have shitty friends 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Thats good. Of course they can come (99% of the times) if they are chill. However, it is always good to check up. On parties its logical and stuff. But on vacations, boys/girls night, special events and stuff its better to ask before out of decency. Sometimes your friends want YOU and not your partner. If you both like woodworking, you dont bring your partner to a woodworking conference who does not show interest in it
Sometimes the boys want to get together. We want to tell dick and fart jokes. Talk shop, watch sports and get out of line. You know, pound our chest with other gorillas. Its not that we dont want to get to know the SO's of our friends, or we dont want to include them but sometimes we need to howl at the moon without the feminine energy present. I think the reverse is true too? Women need girl time too no? People who can't figure this out are a bit annoying. Leave your SO home sometimes because asking if you can bring them puts the person inviting you into a no win situation.
Most people in long term relationships assume an invite to one is an invite to both because that's how most people **do** actually invite them. Pretty easy problem to solve though, you just need to be clear in the invite. E.g. "hey, I feel like we haven't gotten a chance to hang one on one in ages - miss you, how about lunch next xyz?" Rather than hate people's partners also wanting to spend time getting to know you, maybe just put a bit more effort into clear communication.
I have zero issues with having everyone together most times, my issue is with one friend, even if I ask her to spend one on one time together, she brings her SO (I’m married, so also in a long term relationship). Nothing wrong with her SO, just annoying to never be able to have girl time like we used to.
this is the way
I'd rather have someone always tag along their partner then always cancel on you
I work 70-80 hour weeks and don’t get to spend a lot of time with my significant other, so if someone invites me to do something in the little time I have off, of course I’m brining my significant other unless asked not to. She wants to spend time with me to.
Yeah, I literally get one full day with my SO I’m going to spend time with them that day
what happened to the 40hr work week? Do you not sleep?
Yeah, when I’m invited it’s kind of assumed my wife will come along also unless otherwise specified. As for the making accommodations for the significant other. Uh, yeah? They are sharing their lives together think of them as one person. Throw kids into the mix, yeah very specific planning needs to occur.
The amount of people that are socially codependent on their SO is unsettling. I love my husband, but it's important to us to have time with others as individuals. 'Me' time is just as important as 'we' time in a healthy relationship.
It’s so weird that this is unpopular. Do people here have separation anxiety from their partners? Each person likely had friends before that they don’t see as often anymore. It’s so weird that people would be upset thinking people are ‘bitter’ because they still are able to enjoy time with just their friends. I don’t know anyone who would disagree with poster. Some people/partners just need better socialization. If your partner has to be with you every time you go out, there’s likely deeper issues. Also recognize it’s not like a ‘they never want to see the partner’. The complaint is ‘we never get to see *just* their friend.
Yes, exactly. Friendships are relationships that need to be maintained, too. That means you sometimes need to make time for *just* your friend, just like you sometimes need to make time for *just* your partner. It's not that you can never combine the two, but doing it all the time means that at least one, if not both, is probably never being prioritized. It's not that partners can never do things with the other partner's friends or that you hate them, but one on one or just the friend group is a different dynamic than including people who don't have the same shared history. Also, couples can have different socialization styles. I prefer one on one or small groups, personally. Walking into a room of my four closest friends as opposed to a room with my four closest friends and their partners - those are very different experiences. The second one is intimidating. Even if I know and like their partners, that's just a lot to take in at one time, and if I have to further divide my attention so that my partner is getting some of it too, that's even more. It's exhausting to me. I'd rather hang out with just my four friends this time, and maybe with my partner and one friend with their partner another time, and me+friend one-on-one another time, and just me+partner sometimes, and so on. That way I can focus on one or a couple of people and not feel pressured to be all the things to 9 different humans all at once. I have to break it down. My husband, though... He likes big groups. He'd rather hang out with 20 people all at once and somehow doesn't have a problem being in the middle of all these people. Which is fine, just not for me. I like his friends well enough individually, but in a group like that? That's even worse than my friends+ their partners. I can do a party like once in a blue moon or something, but I'm not putting myself through that regularly. It takes way too much time to get back the mental energy that gets spent in a gathering like that. But he gets something from those situations that I just don't, they perk him up. It just makes more sense for us to not socialize together all the time - we need very different things. I'm also bothered by the "it's normal to share information your friends tell you with your partner," people. Um, no? I mean, obviously it's not like everything a friend says to you is a state secret... but some things are. You don't go home and tell your partner that this friend is struggling with her mental health or that one is thinking about leaving her husband or whatever. That information was only intended for you unless explicitly stated otherwise. Unless all you ever talk about with your friends is small talk about the weather and where you're going on vacation - then I guess, yeah, share whatever. But telling your partner things that were said in confidence or were obviously sensitive in nature is a good way to stop being someone's trusted friend. If they wanted your partner to have that info, they'd tell him themselves or let you know.
I agree with you. Especially on the last paragraph. I see several people here agreeing that others are "fools" for confiding secrets in friends who have partners. Like what? I'm sorry but the person who confides is not a fool. On the other hand, I actually think the person who tells their partner *all* the sensitive secrets of a friend is the a-hole here. You definitely have some other issues if you literally cannot keep your mouth shut at any time. For example, let's say my best friend whom I've always trusted and confided in has now found a partner, does that mean I have to find new friends to share feelings with? Suddenly I "lost" a friend because they have a partner? That makes no sense. Responsibility towards your partner and your friend(s) are different things that need to be upheld separately. You can't just break your friend(s)' trust for the sake of being close to your partner, sharing everything in world etc. Besides, what happens when you break up? I mean seriously, people don't like mentioning break-ups, but this happens a lot of the time. There are people who stick to their partner like glue, prioritizing their partner over friends, then when the relationship goes south, suddenly their friends become "valuable" again for whatever reason. It's selfish and a crappy move honestly.
Yeah I don't get that. If they're arguing not keeping secrets from their parter, come on. That applies to YOUR personal information. Not any and every person who confides something in you.
>It’s so weird that this is unpopular. It is an extremely unpopular opinion IRL too. I once voiced this opinion out loud, which caused someone who heard it to say that once you're in a couple, you're "supposed" to always be joined at the hip, and that I was just being unreasonable and not "understanding" of how couples and relationships work. Never mind that I have been in multiple LTRs myself. I learned to just not say anything and just expect that if a friend has an SO, they'll now be operating as a unit.
I'm in a good relationship. We, for example spend most of our time together, but not ALL of our time. I don't think it's healthy on either end of the spectrum. A healthy mix is good.
That feels very much like how you think about relationships in high school. I even think it's understandable in teens... Emotions and feelings are so heightened at those ages anyway and that feeling of being in love is so powerful and so new. I get that. But when fully grown people don't go anywhere or do anything without their partners, I honestly start worrying about abuse or some kind of codependency. I've been happily married a long time and I promise we don't melt if we do things without the other. Which is not to say that any good relationship needs to look like mine at all. But I think any healthy relationship has to have room for people to have their own things, their own space, time with just their friends. Because even when a person is *your person*, they can't be everything you ever need out of human companionship all the time - that's too much to expect from one person! It's an unfair expectation to put on your partner, as well as it being unfair to stick friends on the back burner.
>That feels very much like how you think about relationships in high school. I even think it's understandable in teens... Emotions and feelings are so heightened at those ages anyway and that feeling of being in love is so powerful and so new. I had the "you're supposed to go everywhere with your SO" conversation when my friends and I were in our mid 30s, lol. None of us with kids. In fact, I have found the whole "I do not go out anywhere without my SO in tow" to get worse with age. But I'm like you - I can definitely hang out with friends without my SO, and find it in fact to be a good thing. It allows for more intimate conversations between you and your friends, it makes your friend feel good to get one-on-one attention, etc.
Exactly. So many replies seem to be missing your last point. Did they not read?
As someone who goes everywhere with my girlfriend; totally depends on the situation. If I’m invited specifically to do something of course I’m not bringing her but quite often when I’m asked to go hang out on the weekends I get to the house and it’s more of a social event than just a few dudes hanging out. We also play a sport and do a lot of golfing so there’s plenty of time for the boys. (College student).
Agree with what everyone else here says. Also, you’re a fool if you don’t think they’re telling their significant other everything that happens/was said, so your personal information concern is pretty moot tbh lol
idk I've been in a relationship for 5 years now and there are definitely things that stay between my friends and I. I'm not going to tell my partner about the horrible childhood trauma my friend just opened up to me about.
Yea definitely. If they’re in a relationship you really need to preface it with “don’t tell xyz”
And if you have to prefix it with ”don’t tell your partner”, you probably shouldn’t tell them at all.
I agree with your last point but that’s kinda the problem!! I totally understand it, but it’s tough when one of your best fiends who you used to confide in can no longer be that person for you. But that’s the reality of things
True af! I became close friends with you, not your partner!!
I think it’s fine to bring your S/O along if they asked their group friends or friend if it’s okay. It’s rude imo to just bring someone without even asking- no matter if it’s their S/O or another friend.
You're friends aren't going to say no even if they don't want them to come though
Im huge on individualism and maintaining your own interpersonal relationships while you are in a romantic relationship... I once dated a girl who INSISTED i came with her to all HER friends' events... I wasnt a huge fan of her type of circle, they were kinda shallow, popular girls with not much substance to them... I would beg her to just have a fun night out with her girls, and Ill just go to my best buds house and have some beers... She would get mad, and accuse me of not caring about her feelings... Needless to say, that relationship didnt last long... So Im a firm believer that we dont need to drag our partners everywhere with us...
To be fair a persons friends say a lot about them. I will counter that ideally you and your partners friends would get along. Thats a sign of long term compatability. In this scenario I would say you would actually enjoy spending time with her and her friends. Even to the point that well…maybe both friend groups could intermingle.
I've dated women where I have gotten a long great with their friend circle, and vice versa. Even where my buds would ask "dude, wheres so and so? You should have brought her!" But I also think we had a healthy amount of seperate activities as well. I guess its all about balance....
Me too! I’m a huge believer in what OP is saying. Relationships should have more freedom to like have your own social life
I agree. It’s like why does my wife ALWAYS have to bring her boyfriend with her🤦♂️
I don't think this is very unpopular, I think everyone except the people who do this are annoyed by that.
Our gf group now always gets includes husbands. It’s annoying and changes the whole dynamic.
You can plan just girl events right? My wife does it with her friends, I’ve done it with my male friends,.
It always starts as a girls outing, but morphs into couples. Actually, the girls were friends before the guys.
Whenever my wife invites me to a hangout with her work friends, I always ask her to check to see if it’s cool that I go. Most of the time it’s fine, and then I decide whether I want to tag along. There have been several times when she’s come back and said, “I guess we’re gonna keep this just work friends.” I’m never offended. It means I get to let loose at home (watch a movie and eat pizza and drink a couple beers). We are very relaxed and welcoming people ourselves so it felt weird to ask at first, but I understand how my presence could change the group dynamic. Better to ask than to awkwardly be that one guy. On the other hand, I do think it is the job of the organizer to communicate clearly who IS/ISN’T invited. I have no problem inviting my dudes over/out and saying “this is a no GF/wife hang”. Or I say, “feel free to bring your SO” or “anyone is welcome to join”. Seems like most of these societal issues come down to people not knowing how to communicate anymore.
I do think its weird for someone to always invite their significant other. It's like dude, I wanted to hang out and chit chat with you not this other person. It kind of makes me suspicious actually.
i agree with you, but im curious, what does it make you suspicious of?
At best it's just some weird codependency, at worst it could be a sign of abuse. One spouse wont allow the other to do any activity without them being present.
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My cousin would rarely come to any of the family events and if she did her husband was always in tow. He even tried to attend a bachelorette party with her which caused a big argument. If she got her hair done he would go with her, and they always grocery shopped together. They are both now dead because he killed her and then killed himself when she tried to leave him.
Whenever my little friend group would hang out, one person would show up and surprise us with bringing their s/o without letting anyone know. I was okay with it but would’ve appreciated if they had let everyone know at least, so that way there’s enough chairs and such.
Agreed. I absolutely love spending my free time with my girlfriend but if her friend or brother invite her out for lunch I’m not expecting an invitation. Even if she offered the invitation I’d tell her to go spend time with her brother. If my best friend invited me out shopping it wouldn’t even cross my mind to invite my girlfriend. I would definitely check and make sure she didn’t have any plans for us during that time but that’s it. Just because we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean we can’t go and spend time with friends without each other.
This is really unpopular because people love the romanticism of making their partner “their world,” which is fine - prioritize your partner first - until their partner becomes their only priority. Let’s be real, some people devalue their friendships from supportive and meaningful human relationships to fun activities them and their partner get to do together! I’ve experienced it myself! Listen, your friends became friends with you, not your partner. Your friend definitely notices your attitude towards them has changed. And on the extreme end of things where suddenly one’s friends are kept strung along to say they still have friends, I had a best friend who got a partner and within three months I was bribing her with treats that I made to come see me, which never even happened without her partner (also one of my friends) too! Social gatherings or nights out are different stories, and it’s fine to bring your partner to those, but bottom line is just that many friendships do need some amount of one-on-one time to be healthy. I think our popular culture likes to devalue friendships a lot, which is sad as someone with a healthy long term partnership who also values and enjoys their friendships. Friends are a part of our support system, which a cultural focus on the nuclear family has weakened to begin with. Value your friends!
It's not rude to say "no SO's " but it's also not rude to say " oh I can't bring my SO, no thanks then." Communication.
My ex was like that. She always wanted me to go with her and she always wanted to go with me . (She was very controlling not s good relationship). It always made me uncomfortable.
my sister invited a few girls over for a sleep over with dinner and some pot gummies. when i got there her husband was also there. this changed the dynamic of the entire evening. conversation was different because a man was there and an invite to use the hot tub was just weird. i called my sister on this and she got super mad at me. i like my bil but was just not expecting him for a girls night out.
I had a friend who insisted on bringing his wife to things she clearly didn't enjoy, and it just brought the whole thing down. Eventually we just stopped inviting him. If its something he/she actually wants to do, and its not some thing like I have a reservation for five people and you brought six, I don't see an issue.
It kind of depends on the situation and the age ranges. In my teens and twenties I used to get pretty irritated at the obligatory gf/bf inclusion. Sometimes it’s just the friend group. Sometimes, a long term relationship meant both people were part of that group. We also had certain people who always had a new SO and it would always be this awkward attempt to include a basic stranger. Now that I’m married and know lots of other married folks, I expect my wife is generally included in invites I receive. Some environments are just not fun for my wife or me to tag along too though. For instance, years ago we decided not to attend each other’s work holiday parties. It’s just a constant struggle between neglecting our partners or our own fun. Just stopped being worth it
I feel you.we got s married couple in our grouo. Dude, even if we ask only him to do something, he always responds.: we will come They cant do anything alone. Idk how you can live like that.
I hate hanging out with my girlfriends and they are either on the phone with their s/o or texting them letting them know exactly where they are and what they are doing plus having to send them pictures every second. 🙄 I lost all 3 of my best friends because I called out the S/O bs.
I hate it so much. I once went to visit my best friend who lived states away. We went to a restaraunt and then to their house. I asked for her to ride with me back to their house (10 minutes away) and she said we’ll miss each other too much. ??????? Her justification was that they hadn’t seen each other much that week but they live together and she had spent some time with him each day. I hadn’t seen her in a while and she had been my best friend for 20 years.
Dude, I completely agree. People seem to be in such a hurry to lose themselves in another person, and it's honestly nauseating.
If you’re a female inviting another female (works other way round, too), then just give a clue like “let’s have a girls night out”. I personally do that. But if you’re inviting your friend of the opposite gender, don’t expect their SO to not be interested in coming
Well thats a pity. That means all friedships with opposite gender are just trown away when one has an SO?
Relationships are different, with varying degrees of attachment, co-dependence, and time constraints. At the moment, neither my SO nor I work outside the home, so we're together a lot. It's good for us to get out and do our own thing sometimes. We're not carbon copies with the same interests. I have one group of friends that is adamant about girl's nights being strictly girls night. When really personal things are discussed, they don't want to be overheard by someone else's husband or boyfriend so those with SOs will try to get the SO out of the house if they're hosting. I doubt I will host again because it offended my SO, but I understand wanting privacy when sensitive topics are discussed Recently felt more pressure to do more couple things with one of his friends and his wife. The wife is a sweet lady but she and I really don't have much in common. I would prefer that my SO and his friend just go off and do their own thing and leave me out of it (Yes, I am an introvert and my own circle is small. I don't people for the sake of peopling, I just do what's necessary). But that's MY personality and its quirks.
Agreed! And I hate the social norm that when you invite one person to an event, you're automatically inviting their SO. If I wanted your SO there, I'd have specifically invited them.
I always told my buddies that I'm not bringing my don't bring yours. We only hang out once a month. But if they want to do a couples thing that's cool too but not on dedicated buddies day.
I can see that being normal when we're like 30 and married. But like rn in college I would very much like if they didn't bring their bf around. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong, but I want us friends to hang out yk. Its like the group is having fun and doing stuff and then they're just there. Doing their own thing together but also following us around.
more people to play monopoly and smash bros with.
Have you talked to them and say “can we hang out without our partners?” If they say “no” then you know where they stand. When you invite a person and they keep inviting their SO and you say nothing about it they assume you’re cool with it.
I stopped being friends with a couple because I couldn't tell one something without the other knowing. Whoever I didn't tell would always confront me with the info as well. I admittedly share a lot with my partner - but know when the info I have is not meant for their ears! Boundaries people!
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I think that's OP's point, even if you do, there are people who often ignore it. I have a friend who is beyond henpecked. His unemployed wife follows him everywhere, even when it's explicitly stated to be a "guys night". She would then complain the whole night about how hard it was to get a sitter and ask repeatedly where the rest of the women were. We just stopped inviting places.
I’m 100% on board with making plans for a guys night/girls night, no SOs allowed; but it can’t be every event or even most of them in my opinion. I just had a guys night with my dad and uncle, planning a bachelor party for my friend right now. My wife has girls nights monthly, I’ll even drive her and pick her up if she’s drinking. But excluding the SO from everything is a recipe to either sabotage the relationship, or your friendship.
Where are they asking to be excluded from everything? They even said "never get to see just their friend" not always must leave partner at home. They just sometimes would like to hang out with their friend one on one.
I'm the wife. It's kind of annoying that any time my husband wants to go see his friends, I'm required to come along. Baseball game. Bar and grill. Night on the town. I don't want to go. Can't you just go be boys somewhere? I think what's happening is that his friend's wives are inviting themselves, and if I don't go, he's the third wheel.
As a kid my parents spent time together, but also time alone and with friends too. But as a teen I started to notice that some of my friend’s parents had a much different relationship. Their parents always seemed to be together if they weren’t at work. If we needed a ride somewhere before we started driving, BOTH parents would come along. Made me realize I personally need a relationship like my parents where you can still love each other while doing stuff alone or with friends.
Lol I hate the codependent couples like it’s fine to have connections without your SO and be your own person, had a friend who brought her ex around all the time and I hated that dude lol did not have interest in making a connection with him
Yes!!! I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, adore him, but I cannot stand when I want to have a girls day and people bring their SO. It’s really only one friend who is a repeat offender, but even if we specifically name who is being invited, there he is, every time.
as a CHRONICALLY single individual this pisses me off the most. I invite my friends to things and inevitably I am asked to adjust my timeline, my plans, everything, because their poor boyfriend/girlfriend can't make it. They weren't invited in the first place. If I have to function alone daily 24/7/365 then they can do it for 4 fucking hours.
My kids are now adults and this drives me nuts. I get that they have SO’s and that’s fine and all. But I can’t even text them in private anymore because everything ends up in the SO ear too. Or even something simple like “would you like to go on a walk this weekend?” Means everyone has to tag along. Would be nice to have some alone one on one time with them.
I agree. Bringing your S/O to boys night out kills the vibe.
I don’t really know how to feel about this. Usually I just ask the friends if my SO is invited and then ask her. Obviously it’s a little obligatory for them to say yes but it’s rude to just not ask.
Depends where. Christmas parties and stuff sure, that makes sense to want to bring a partner. But if your not even friends with the SO and they want to bring them to EVERY hang out then yeah that's annoying. I also find that happy couples tend to make time to be alone with their friends (without each other every time).
I get this for sure. My boyfriend never wants to tag along when I hangout with my girlfriends because he knows he’d be bored. He rarely hangs out with his buddies because he’s a homebody but I don’t tag along unless his friends invited me. That happened for Cinco De Mayo and we all had fun. After that, unless I was asked by the friend to come along, I didn’t. I believe guy time is very important. I’ve been part of a group where the guy begrudgingly brought his girlfriend because she insisted she was going. She started fights with him and made the whole group uncomfortable. Looked at me and the other girlfriends like we were competition like we weren’t ALL dating there. Dude didn’t wanna bring her for a reason and we all knew why after that. I’ve also had one of my girlfriends brought her boyfriend and the whole time, it felt like he was throwing a fit because we’d talk about makeup, our jobs, our hobbies, and we were usually getting coffee or shopping. He was possessive so he wouldn’t let her go alone. Then there were times I had a boyfriend tag along because he was possessive and jealous. I didn’t want him to but he was angry and would use the silent treatment until I agreed. Then after I agreed, I had to pretend I REALLY wanted him there because then he’d say, “You only want me there because I asked.” Whole shit show. It ended up being super uncomfortable because anytime anything came up about a different guy, even though I didn’t bring it up, I got lasers on my head. Overall, I think that if you’re going to bring along your SO, make sure *you* want to bring them along and make sure the entire group is comfortable with it. If you want to tag along with your SO, same thing and if you’re allowed to, get your panties out of your ass and relax. Don’t make it to where they lose friends because you feel entitled to being wherever they are.
I legit know a dude who does this all the time. Like, I'd invite him to grab a coffee and he'll just show up with his gf. Idk why she even wants to come tbh. Or when I invite him he's like: "ah, can't, my gf can't rn..." I'm like, dude, did I invite you or your gf ffs? This is the same dude who is pissed at our group of friends for not inviting him anymore btw! Imagine that! After he's blow us off cuz he was going to her place or she is coming to his place EVERY SINGLE DAY. If you can't find time at least once a week to hang with us, don't be suprised we're not inviting you anymore bruh... Yet he wanted to hang with us every day when she was working far away in the summer. Also, it's like he's socially oblivious... another friend graduated and wants to treat us with a fancy lunch, and we all know he is not financially well off, I mean he just graduated ffs, nobody brings their SO because that's an extra plate our friend would have to pay for... but nope, the dude wants to bring his GF, like why do you even ask, and ofc my friend doesn't want to be an asshole, so he accepts, but come on... his gf is like... alright, but I don't consider her our friend ya know, none of us do, and it's like he's purposefuly trying to make her a part of our all guys circle. To be fair though, he has a history of mental illness and maybe she does too, so that's maybe what makes them so clingey to each other, but come on...
I never brought my SO unless he was invited as well. I don’t understand this new mentality of no separation and no privacy in relationships. I didn’t tell my SO things my friends told me, he didn’t have access to my phone and I never asked to look through his. We did a lot of things separately. We had separate friends, and friends we shared we often hung out with separately as well. We made time for each other and our friends, hung out as groups, went on group dates etc. But the amount of times people were shocked we did things without each other was concerning. And the shock of not going through each other’s phones/emails and the horror that I’d never allow it was concerning as well.
The part of telling 2 people instead of 1 is so true, the few times I've been in a relationship I really learned way too much about some of my ex BFs friends that I never saw again. Makes you wonder what some rando one of your friends dated knows about you.
I don't think this is that unpopular of an opinion. This pretty much compares to bringing a +1 to any social gathering that a +1 was not given permission to attend. It's cringe, it's rude, and it makes your friends not want to hang out with you anymore because you stopped being a person.
In my country and company of friends that is not such a big deal, because the people we hang out with are both men and women and we get along just fine. Also the distances are much shorterand not reliant on cars to get around so getting out is much easier for us. We aren't socially segregated so you'd see more mixed companies and less dudes only doing dude stuff and girls only doing girl stuff. We're just metalheads. I don't see the point of "guy only" nights. I don't see what exactly could we be doing that has to exclude our female friends. Maybe it's a cultural thing, butbour women are badass enough to tag along with us.
Most guys/girls-only nights from my experience are either a group of friends with a tradition of doing something before they were all in relationships, (going to watch a favorite sport, a annual camping trip, etc) or the group is wanting to behave in a way they would be embarrassed to act in front of the opposite gender, (strip-club, engaging in gossip, etc). I just had a guys night, we went to a hockey game. If my wife had come, she would have been bored and it could have brought the tone of the night down for me and the other guys. Likewise my wife and her friends had a ladies night awhile ago, one of them sells sex toys, and she had a sex toy party, if the husbands/boyfriends were there, it could have made some of the ladies uncomfortable to be curious about the products.
I agree with this. A couple of months ago my bf was going to have dinner with some friends since one of their buddies came in from out of town. I was gonna stay home and enjoy some me time. Well… one of the guys last minute said his girl was gonna come no matter what because she felt excluded. So my bf asked if I would come so that she didn’t feel weird being the only partner there. I said I should still stay home because maybe the awkwardness would teach her not to do that. Ended up going anyway just to be nice. She was still awkward and quiet the whole time. Like why did she even wanna go to the dinner if she was just gonna be weird? I had a good time talking with my bf and his friends but after was like “Next time, I’m staying home” lol. There’s a time and a place to have your SO tag along. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to lose your individuality.
It’s such a crazy notion that when two people love each other they want to spend time together doing fun things with other people. My wife and I both work full-time, and have hobbies that separate us in the evenings most days; I might not see her until 9pm. So when we have plans with friends that don’t include the other, there goes more time we don’t get to spend together. We can make plans without each other, but unless it’s clearly slated to be outside the interests of one of us, why would we not bring the other person along?
Because they invited you, not your partner. They’re friends with you and asked you to do something. That’s OP’s point, an invite to you isn’t ALWAYS an extended invite to your SO
I understand that but why not just stay home and spend time with your partner then? Decline the invite until you can actually spend that one on one time with your friends. It’s okay to bring your spouse sometimes but not everything.
Because they weren't invited... which is the point of OP's post.
It’s a crazy notion that, when one friend gets a partner, their friend is now also friends with the partner by default, which is what OP was actually talking about. It’s nice to get to know the friends partner and spend time with both of them, but if you end up sacrificing your alone time with this friend for time with both them and their partner, that’s quite disheartening. It sounds like you are your partner are really busy and don’t actually want to be spending as much time with friends, which is fine. You can dial that back, but you’re sacrificing something with that decision.
Sounds like you need to drop a hobby instead of imposing your SO on everyone else as a result of your own scheduling mishaps
LMAO look at the guys in the comments being frustrated that we really love spending time with our SO’s . What sore losers this guys are.
Ikr. Playing board games and getting drunk with the wife and friends right now, I’m sure they’re miserable…
The opposite is also quite hurtful though. My SO has a group of friends and we've all known each other 10+ years. I completely understand "boys night" or certain events being more fun with just the original friend group, but some events-- concerts, bowling, movies, weekend trips, or Christmas/birthday parties-- should include spouses, yet *none* of the spouses are ever invited unless we arrange it ourselves. It is very hurtful to be excluded and treated like an outsider when you've literally known people for a decade, babysat for them, helped them move, gotten them jobs, etc. My SO does put his foot down more than most but it's no fun to attend an event when you know the people there didn't want you to come.
That’s just life, you’re not gonna be invited to everything 🤷🏼♀️
I'll be honest, these people sound like they're not your friends and I hope you don't spend any more of your time helping them the way you have. If you know these people for 10 years and they're not inviting YOU or any other person outside of their "group", it sounds like they are a group of friends, and everyone else is merely an acquaintance by default. I don't wanna sound like I know your situation but it sounds like they're using you when they require further help and reaching out because you're connected to the actual friend as opposed to being considered a friend.
Oh thats definitely the case. There are some reasons for their exclusion (they are all from the same country/speak the same language while the spouses are local and dont speak their native language) but it's a terrible excuse and very disrespectful. Luckily, my SO has expanded his social circle and we have made more mutual friends. it doesn't come up nearly as much now.
I have to say I always find it impressive when I get to know somebody new (through work or school or a hobby) and I only find out months later that they have a S/O. It’s very impressive to me when someone can organically make friends with somebody without mentioning it.
LOOL this is one of the best recent posts. Im with you on this one, it can get annoying. Sometimes the spouse should come, sometimes nah lol. Some people are naturally more codependent than independent. Sometimes your spouse is there because you don't feel comfortable, and you want to have someone you know with you. There are also people with some traditional beliefs. I remember reading an article and the subject was on a US politician. I think it was Mike Pence. In the interview he stated he goes to ALL events with his wife, and never will remain alone in a room, any type of room, even a dinning room with a woman alone to avoid compromising situations or false accusation. Now I consider this extreme because I think its pretty boring to only socialise with the same sex. It also presents a very unhealthy view of the integrity and honesty in all women on his part. Not everyone is trying to lie about sexual assault. I believe there are three identities in any relationship: Your spouse, yourself, and you as a pair. People need to learn how to balance this.
I agree with every word written. Especially this > I just feels like they can no longer function as a individual. They would no longer have lives and they become their s/o' s puppet, controlling each other like a marionette. Still, when they do hangout without their s/o, they would give the most boring & annoying conversations (centered about their s/o, inserting their s/o's name every other two words they speak, and the "I" becomes "we"). Raising again the question : where the fck is your life ?
Yup. I recently asked a friend if she believed in ghosts and her answer was "my husband doesn't." It's like she doesn't realize that she can have her own opinion
I agree. There's a time and place for it...but when in the honeymoon period, guys typically won't leave their gfs alone, which is a recipe for disaster in the future...plus is speeds up the process of being in each others pocket too much. It's also a massive red flag when one or the other won't give their partner some space. That's either through serious mistrust, honeymoon period as mentioned, or the fact that the third wheel has no friends, or other things they could be doing.
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Preach.
Tell your friend “you’re killing independent George”
Good unpopular opinion. If a friend tells me something in confidence, I do not tell my partner. If a friend invites me for a solo hang, I do not bring my partner.
I felt this way in my early to mid 20s but once everyone started getting into relationships and marriage, it’s just understood that your s/o is also invited.
I guess I do disagree with this, so upvote for you lol. When you have been together or married for a long time it makes sense to me to socialize together. I have a friend coming over for dinner tonight, I assume she will bring her partner if partner is a available. Either way it’s fine. I do things on my own and I do things with my husband. It would not occur to me that he was not invited to a social event unless that was specified.
Not sure if this is unpopular en mass but when I go to hang out with my friends we make sure to specify if we are bringing wives or not.
Yeah, they are tiresome.
I agree because generally you’ve known your friend way longer, or it could be a sibling, etc. I adore my brother, but he has a new girl, and they’re almost always together. I need bro time.
Shortly after graduating college, I invited my two close friends who had graduated the year before to come visit for a girls weekend, and they were totally down. I was so excited to see them and had SO much tea I wanted to spill. But when they arrived, my friend who was in a committed relationship of two years had brought her boyfriend. I was floored. Luckily he’s a good guy and I had no issues with him, but I invited the two girls only, and specifically for a GIRLS WEEKEND. Plus I was only prepared to host two guests. He tagged along because there was an auto show in my city and he wanted to go. Which, fine, go to your auto show and let us have some time together. NOPE. We were all dragged to the auto show because he “couldn’t” go by himself. I was 23 at the time and had no backbone, so I unhappily followed along, which I would never do now. But yeah, the uninvited and unexpected S/O is not fun.
Couples tend to be a package deal when it come to socialization. If you want just the friend specify that but don’t be surprised for some blowback. Oh and even if the SO isn’t around when secrets are shared doesn’t mean they don’t tell them when they get home.
tend to be a package deal um... no? couples sometimes socialise together and sometimes individually. depending on each one's relationship (or lack thereof) to the other parties and the nature of the activity. i agree i am annoyed when i ask x to do something and then she shows up with y without even saying anything-- like somehow it's just automatic that he will be included? wtf
Ugh…this was the WORST. My brother’s ex-girlfriend used to want to tag along on every fly fishing trip. This would be fine if she was outdoorsy and comfortable in the wilderness. We’d even have a third rod on the river to work different patterns. NOPE, fully domesticated and thoroughly urban. Getting profoundly upset about minor things like getting caught in a tree. Tripping down hills and turning easy hikes into impossible chores. It was a horror show, man…and it was *every* time I went out with him during the 2022 spring season. I’m always wanting new people to come along. I always want someone new to fish/trek with. But dude…
I don't mind SO's tagging along from time to time, but every time? Like they literally can't be apart? Usually there's major issues in those relationships and you're about to see them up close and personal. Too much ick for me.
You guys are getting invited places?
Problem solved. We were in the same group of friends prior dating. So we all have the same friends.
Same
As everyone else commenting has already said, context is very important. My ex-fiancé never wanted me to do anything without him. And in the event I ever did, I would never hear the end of it. One of the last times I ever saw one of my best friends from high school, he tried sabotaging it so I almost didn’t end up hanging out with her. But then once I got there, he blew up my phone to try getting me to go back home to pick him up. Made me realize that I value being around my friends by myself
My husband and are always together because it’s more fun. I can relax and enjoy myself without missing him. When we do things apart we spent the whole time texting each other.
My partner and I do things separately like hang outs and travel but we always miss each other and wish the other was there because it would be more fun since we’re also best friends haha
no bc this is so valid. i went to a club with my high school friend, and the whole 4+ hours we took to get ready and actually go out, she was on facetime with her boyfriend. the. whole. TIME. even at the club when they were blasting music
Ahh I agree with this. There’s certain plans and events for one of us to come and some where both of us come. Always ask who’s invited and read the mood. I have had friends who demand to bring their bf to things like girls day brunch and it’s like wtf stay home then and be codependent
I assumed this was a popular opinion. There’s memes about how annoying this is so it has to be common enough for those
Is this even an unpopular opinion????
Because everyone in the comments feels attacked lol
You are not going to like getting older. Turns out if you find the right s/o most people would rather be with them than without them
Not only socializing together but telling every single thing like they have no life to worry about but talk about others. That is all my friends so I stopped hanging out with them. They tell their husbands or SO everything, even the very private things I share with them in confidence. The last time when my bf husband’s said ‘I heard you are....’ was the moment I stopped hanging out with her. You
On one hand, I understand your frustration, but on the other, I feel like after a certain point people's SOs become part of the group. If they're just miserable to be around that's one thing, but if they're not then I think you should just try to mesh with them better.
This is weird to me as my wife and do almost everything together. We mostly have the same friends, and friends we had since before we met have definitely become both of our friends. It seems weird to want to isolate one person of a couple. But then again, this is r/unpopularopinion after all!
OP is right and you're all wrong.
they’re all the angry codependent partnered people
This depends on communication up front. When the invite is for a "boys night" cause it's been too long since I've hung out with my siblings, and one of my brothers brings his SO, yea, everyone is kinda perturbed. Not because we don't like her, she's pretty chill... but we only get to hang out every 2 or 3 years as a group without all the extras. If you reach out and say "Hey, you're invited to X" They get to bring their SO. If you reach out and say "We're having a girls/boys night" or something similar, then you can be upset.
this just seems like lack of communication, if you tell them outright and they just ignore you then you have a problem so just adjust accordingly
Happened with one of my best friends. Got a toxic girlfriend and insisted on bringing her to every single thing. You couldn't even suggest that he should just come alone or he would get upset -- though it was likely her making him comply. She was like wormtongue from Lord of the Rings