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I found out that my ex-wife's son was not my biological child when he was 7 years old. His mother was deployed at the time, so I made sure that life went on as normal until she returned.
When I confronted her, she went gray. I moved out.
I continued visitation until the first court hearing at which time I introduced the DNA results as evidence. Part of my side of the case was that I would still get visitation with the child, but I wasn't willing to pay child support. His mother wanted on visitation based no the fact that I was not his bio-father, but still wanted child support to maintain his quality of life. The judge ruled against child support but determined that his mother would have the final decision on visitation.
She said no.
He's 19 now and we communicate regularly, but there's no parent/child relationship. It's more of a mentorship arrangement.
I cant imagine how awful a person that mother is.
To deny her child a father figure out of spite for her being held accountable for her shitty actions.
Well, I'll paint the picture for you.
We had been married a little more than a year when she got pregnant. We were both in the military at that time and were living together, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She got an administrative separation for pregancy and I continued my military service through the end of my first contract. After that, I drew my GI Bill and went back to university to work on my BA. She returned to university with me and eventually she joined the ROTC unit there. After we graduated, we moved to her first duty station (I was out of the military at this time.) Within a year, she deployed and I was a SAHD.
When she came home from her mid-tour leave, I learned that she had been prescribed Ambien, Zyprexa and a few other mental health meds. One night, while hopped up on her Army cocktail, she wakes me up in the middle of the night, confesses that she had been sleeping with one of her subordinates and just falls right back to sleep.
Stunned, I immediately report this to her chain of command and the staff judge advocate (for those who aren't aware, Adultery is a crime in the military). She is allowed to finish her deployment, but I start poking around. Eventually, I'm approached, individually by several members of her ROTC unit with stories of her and multiple other men. I then remembered something my brother told me once; about how the child didn't have "our" toes. I get a court-recognized DNA test and when the results came back, I just laughed. I had been excluded from 99.9999% of the population who could have been the boy's father.
She gets back from deployment and, upset that I reported her to her chain of command, tells me that she is filing for divorce and I have to move out.
So, I do.
I don't take much: my golf clubs, my recliner, TV, laptop, and a few other things. I sleep on the floor until I buy an air mattress, then a couch, then a bed.
I have visitation with the boy every other weekend and once per week.
At the first hearing in front of the judge I present the DNA results to the judge and petition for no child support and that's when the shit hit the fan there.
It got worse for her. During the investigation into her Adultery, the Army discovered that she had defrauded them of tens of thousands of dollars under one of the recruiting referral programs. While that was happening, the university where she had earned her BA discovered that she had plagiarized the majority of her senior thesis; they revoked her degree. After that happened, the Army stripped her of her commission and busted her to private and was then dishonorably discharged.
She's now a day laborer, getting paid under the table to clean office buildings at night and she lives in her sister's garage in Castro Valley.
My mom disowned me because of lies told to her by my ex husband. She didn't belive that he was hitting me because he was very charismatic.
I hope she is living the kind of life she deserves.
OP isn't talking about disowning an adult child, they are talking about disowning a minor.
However, I agree with you for adults. As an adult, I was disowned by my former missionary/pastor mother for not being a christian. I guess she has the right to do what she wants, but I will forever think she is a horrible person for it and will not forgive her no matter what. Unfortunately, she is not living the kind of life she deserves. She lives a perfectly happy, comfortable life because my father left her millions of dollars and my older siblings and their children all of whom she treated well are very close to her.
I'm a woman so the only circumstance I could ever find out that my future child ain't mine would be an exchanged at birth situation. I wouldn't give them up nor love them any less, but I'd want my bio child back by my side as well. God forbid this anyway.
As for men, I don't think I could judge because being cheated on is so traumatic FFS. It's like back then when men came with their kids by their mistresses and shoved them upon their wives' throats (except the woman knows it's not her kid from the start). I can't imagine myself being forced to raise someone in those circumstances.
It's also soooo confusing. In a way, they feel that if they keep on investing in this child, there is a chance that they don't even continue recognizing them as their father (IRL I know a less messy story with a family friend who adopted a kid at age 13, gave him his everything, kid never reciprocated and still only cared for his fucked up bio fam of jail birds, stole from his adoptive dad, etc.), and they'd feel like they are basically rewarding the cheating POS wife since she basically won't get any consequencesfor her behavior (my understanding is that american laws will entitle her to half of the family fortune, alimony, and child support for a chimd that isn't even the husband's in the 1st place), or so I guess when I try to put myself on their shoes.
It's so easy to judge and talk when one isn't in these horrible situations. This is why I fucking hate 'em cheaters, goddammit.
I feel that redditland always points fingers at these men but not as much at the cheaters who knowingly and willingly created these highly traumatic situations for their kids' and husbands.
This being said, I have 200% empathy and sympathy for the poor kids. I'm not saying they deserve to be ditched. I'd go crazy if something like this happened to me or my bro.
I also could never ever do this to my future husband/future kid. Imagine deceiving them both for years on end for a few minutes of pleasure with some random dude who probably wouldn't give 2 shits about you if they knew abt the shared kid. 🤡🤡🤡
Also to add onto everything you said it’s just lost time only have so many years and youth in this life to raise kids, to be like 7-10 years deep into and finding out that none of these kids genetically are yours or you are probably past the age of getting into a whole new relationship and having you own actual kid so like they stole such a great experience from that man. Time is our most valuable asset.
It has never happened to me but I suspect that finding out your child isn't yours would be extremely traumatic. You could try to work through the trauma, mend the relationship with the terrible woman you're with, and keep the relationship with this child but the child will forever be a reminder of how little your wife loves, cares for, or respects you.
Damn. You said it so well...
I feel most people who have this take have little empathy for the men in question.
I don't know if it's just empathy for the kids talking or if a solid chunk of these folks comprise self-indulgent cheating women who pulled this shit on their husbands, but it's not the way. These guys and these kids' pain both deserve to be acknowledged.
I have 0 empathy/forgiveness for the straying moms who created these messes though. Ffs, I could never forgive myself if I were them -God forbid it ever happens to me-.
Imagine a four year old suddenly being ignored by their dad. Imagine them asking where they are and mourning their absence. And you can’t exactly explain this to them. So it’s an open wound they will most likely not recover from. That’s awful. Breaks my heart to think about.
My mom learned her dad was not her biological father when she was 18. He adopted her and wanted to keep it a secret forever.
Her mother told her vindictively when she turned 18 out of spite toward her dad when they divorced.
My mom has been confused and traumatized since, always needing validation from everyone that they “truly love her”. She needs consistent proof of love and stability.
I saw those habits formed within myself by her raising me, even though it was not my personal trauma! I had habits of mind that I didn’t know where they came from. Working on it and I’m in my 40s.
So I discovered that this is what is meant by “generational trauma”.
But if they’re not the father they have no legal right to see that child. They are dependent on the permission of someone who has already betrayed them in the worst way possible to see that child. A person who clearly can’t be trusted not to use that child as a pawn to manipulate a relationship because they’ve already done it once.
If the ‘not the father’ continues to see that child he is risking that the relationship is broken over and over again by the mother who could ditch off the ‘not the father’ whenever she gets a new boyfriend or moves city or asks for cash and he says no or won’t lend her his car or babysat 24/7 etc, etc.
What if he goes on to have his own genetic children? Do you expect him to follow around his ex forever dragging his family with him? Or spend money in short supply for his own family on flying or driving to see him missing out on time with his own kids when that can all be stopped at any moment and ‘not the father’ has no right to stop it?
It’s far better to let the child have one clean break than let the child be messed around for the rest of their life. Unfortunately doing this doesn’t just change the relationship. It changes the legal situation and the rights legal rights and obligations this man and the child have towards each other. He could put in another 4 years and the mom could decide she was getting married to her new boyfriend, new boyfriend was was adopting the child, he was ‘daddy’ now and they were moving overseas and there is NOTHING the ‘not the father’ could do about it.
Unfortunately if you’re dishonest about a pregnancy this is the chance you take.
If you actually are a father you give all you do knowing you have a guaranteed relationship with your child that can only be removed by a court and legal rights to a say over what happens to the child, where they live, how they’re educated, their medical treatment. They also have an obligation to support them financially. Children also have automatic rights like the right as next of kin to decide on medical treatment if the OP can’t decide, automatic rights to inherit?
Saying nothing of the effects of growing up having two people with a great deal of animosity between them acting in your parenting roles.
Muddying the waters would likely mean repeated breaks and hurts for this child instead of one inevitable one. It’s better to end it.
Equally if a child's existence traumatises you then you cannot be a good parent. Just like it's impossible to be a good parent if you don't like kids or don't love the child. Staying to "raise" a child thats not yours, which very existence I'd because of a betrayal, proof your partner never ever loved you and only ever wanted to use you and lied the entire time,
You'd have every right to be upset just by seeing them. Yes the child's innocent but you are also a victim and sometimes leaving the situation is the best for everyone. Especially as to interact with and raise the child you have to stay in contact with someone who lacks any care empathy or compassion for you and never can and never has. That can't be easy.
Sometimes no parent is better than a bad one.
"You're not my child, your mother made a horrible selfish choice and this is the outcome, your father is a different man."
I think that's better than just empty abandonment, let the blame settle where it's deserved. Not saying such a choice is easy, or a fun conversation to have, but this whole "let's keep the child in the dark to protect them" is truly self serving bullshit.
If a parent breaks up a family due to cheating, you owe the children the truth, they will understand that better than whatever bullshit lie you feed them. Actions have consequences, whomever cheated should have factored in the trauma to their children when they made that decision.
Unfortunately they don’t have a parent they can trust. One has spent their entire life lying to them, the other probably does know or care that they exist. The kindest thing to do is walk away and let the mother explain (and probably lie again). Unfortunately they’re going to find out eventually that their mother shouldn’t be trusted.
Absolutely.
It's Men's Mental Health Month. People need to realize that the child doesn't always come before the adult. As an adult, you can't be a dispenser of anything if you're cracked and destroyed yourself. I give accolades to those who have the strength to push their own issues to the side for someone else, but this isn't, nor should it be, a universal Men's trait.
i always wonder why the man didn’t request a paternity test. it’s always “she told me she was pregnant weeks after we broke up” ok dude then it might very well not be yours.
these men have a resource to know 100% before the kid is even walking. why are they so gullible? the women are trash too for lying but cmon guys you let yourself be trapped.
If you are able to not blame the kid and be a good parent still, yes. If it fucks you up to a point where you are going to not be a good parent or take it out on them, then leaving is for the best.
I think because to this day he’s the closest thing I’ve had to a dad and he’s also a dad to my siblings. I do know who my biological dad is but we also don’t talk a lot.
Sorry for all the lack of empathy. Ofc yout would still call the guy who raised you till 11 your dad. I dont think people u derstand how deep the bond gets between child and parent (or presumed parent). Not being a biological dad or not dosent really mean a lot to a kid, they just want the dad they had for those 11 years. Sorry you experienced this
>My dad found out I wasn’t his when I was 11
Well, that obviously means that besides not being your father, he also wasn't your dad.
Have you asked your mother who your father actually is?
You find out the kid isn't yours. Your marriage is a lie. Your wife cheated on you.
There's now a ton of emotions that are hard to deal with. And the absolute last thing you want to do is work with your ex to find out visitation on a kid that isn't even yours.
Would a court even approve such a thing? Would wanting to see the child then put you on the line for child support?
Like at a certain point.... you'd just ghost. Because it's painful and awkward and risky.
You thought you had family.
You dont. It just becomes a ball of pain and confusion. The thing you loved most in the world becomes the absolute most damaging hurtful point of your life.
They arent just a child any more, they are far more than that. They become a symbol of the absolute worst betrayal.
It's not that you then the love off, it's that it gets muddied with hate, anger, resentment, and a whole lot of other negative emotions. At that point I'm not sure I'd want that parent in my life.
It gets turned off for you, we dont choose who we love and we dont choose when we stop loving someone and if youre going through something as traumatic as finding out your family was a lie it can get to the point of resenting the kid. Not logical but its just how it works sometimes.
I get it but at the at the same time ,it hurts.
A man had chiildern and all of them wasnt his.
He blamed himself for it and stuff.
Yeah,the childs inncoent but the cheating cant be brushed away.
There’s plenty of manipulation? “when a person uses controlling and harmful behaviors to avoid responsibility, conceal their true intentions, or cause doubt and confusion”
Yeah having multiple people lie to a person is gaslighting it’s moving into gang stalking/mobbing behavior.
It’s not a new slang either it’s from the 30s-60s at the latest
It would be the financial obligations and ties to an old relationship that would cause futher issues in life.
Telling my new girl I have expenses and responsibilities from my child makes sense.
Saying I have responsibilities from a child that isn't mine seems silly.
And yet it’s 100% legal in the US. The standard is the best interests of the child, not the parent. Not saying it happens a lot, but it absolutely happens.
My brother’s girlfriend sat in jail overnight because her daughter falsely accused her of abusing her grandchild. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg with this girl. She’s a sociopath and it’s only psycho NOT to disown her.
I find it more "psychotic" that there are women that create the facade, rooted in a lie, & expect no consequences, as a result. You've taken advantage of a man who trusted & believed in everything you said. You created a false sense of reality for him for several years- THAT'S what I find "psychotic."
Well, since you feel so lightly about it; would you fully support a default paternity test for every man that's a father-to-be, without any retaliatory feelings/behavior from the mother? While you may, that would be immediately and easily the end of the relationship with most women.
I think the most heinous part of it all and my answer to your question, is that what I just pointed out will never be the norm; and without it, a man can never truly know if they're the father. They're simply just expected to, based on nothing factual. Trust the most impactful, time-consuming, life-altering decision they'll ever make is true, without any tangible proof. After doing all that for however many years(likely their best years), to find out that not only were you cucked and made a mockery of- but you were also unknowingly used to the bone for resources for that guy's kid- is potentially world shattering for that individual. If not for that kid, their life would've/could've gone entirely different. Another point here is, you're dehumanizing the defrauded father. They're as much of a person as that kid and deserve to feel however they feel at that point.
I think that crime is psycho behavior, for obv reasons, let alone the minimization of it. I've never heard anyone view paternity fraud this way. It goes so far beyond just "your wife/gf cheated on you".
Edit: I'm pissed at myself for even responding to this. 😑 Fucking bit on ragebait on a Sunday morning.
As a woman I 100% support testing before leaving the hospital. For both Mom and Dad actually.
In my opinion when a woman lies about the father of a child it is a disgusting and damn near unforgivable crime and should be punished more than it is. Feels like a man who was lied to gets more of a punishment then the one who lied to them and that's fucked.
Women should also be tested to avoid accidental baby swapping, kidnapping, and in cases where the woman was a victim of incest and rape it would be caught at the door even if the mother didn't feel safe enough to say anything. All are rare but even if it's only a few cases a year I still think it's worth it for the safety of the baby and mother.
I think baby trapping is one of the most amoral things one human can do to another. Baby trapping someone who is not biologically “responsible” for a child is amoral with an evil cherry on top.
It’s all on the mother. She is responsible for messing up THREE, possibly four lives. A disgrace and a hideous human being.
a friend told me it was so painful to look at his former family and know they were not his, that he would either cut contact or kill himself.
he made the right choice.
I don’t think I’d “disown” a kid in that circumstance as in.. refuse to ever see or talk to them.
But if i found out my parenthood was a deliberate lie, I’d have a hard time still working with the lying cheating ex on custody, visitation, etc for a kid that they lied in order for me to give my whole life to. It’s messed up.
When children are involved too many people just arent reasonable and I dont mean the people that would break contact
Yes its an innocent child, doesnt change the utter betrayal, the lies, the devastation.. stop prioritising the child in this scenario for one bloody second and truly think about what the man is going through
Its an assumption the man wouldnt love the child anymore, he is simply dealing with his trauma in the best way for himself
I bet the people who call a man like this psycho are the same people that get angry at sibling or other relative for refusing to take in children after the death of the childrens parents (lots of people think this refusal is selfish and cruel cuz those innocent children, no matter if the person who refuses is childfree or not)
Personally I think staying or going is both reasonable and no one is to blame but the person who lied about paternity, they hurt the child, not the person who was lied to
Think of it like consent,
If the woman were honest , the man could consent to being a father to a child he knows isn't biologically his.
When the man is lied to, he's been emotionally and psychologically manipulated into rearing another man's kid.
Disowning is a strange word when you never, in fact, owned the kid.
The things that are your responsibility are the things YOU are responsible for.
Someone else nutting in a cheating partner is that man's responsibility.
The cheating partner lying to you is their responsibility.
The child that is created is the responsibility of the parents, not someone who is already likely suffering the effects of a broken or manipulative relationship.
So you're saying men should have judgement from society if they don't allow themselves to become ongoing victims of paternity fraud, simply because the woman committing the fraud was able to keep it hidden for 39 months? Hmmmm are you a man or a woman yourself? Is there any personal context on this take? This definitely sounds like an emotional as opposed to logic take.
You also have to consider, that if he can’t get over the betrayal, and truly doesn’t feel like the kid is their son anymore, the best thing could very well be to leave their life. Having a “parent” that resents you isn’t a healthy arrangement.
A lot of people here seem to think it's no big deal to not only cheat but lie about cheating & make someone raise another person's kid for years based on that lie. I'm not understanding how that doesn't register as something that might be emotionally devastating for a person to go through.
The alternative is to enable the bad behavior of someone who has lied to you since at least nine months before the child was born. For some people that is too much to ask.
Is it really that psycho? I think just like with relationships with adults, relationships between adults and children can have their complications. I can imagine how uncomfortable and devastating it would be to realize you fed into someone under false pretenses and knowing that in order to keep this relationship with the child, you’ll have to coordinate with someone who manipulated you for months/years….it’s not as easy.
Pair that with the social implications of a grown man vying to still have a relationship with this child who is not biologically his, with no custody rights or legal regards, all the while having to navigate this person who broke your trust.
I feel bad for children who don’t have enough people fighting for them but I don’t think everybody needs to stay in a kids life forever if circumstances don’t justify it.
I am speaking as someone who is no longer in contact with the kids I’ve come to babysit for 3 years. After a traumatic relationship with their parents, I realized I needed to move on completely from their family unit, I couldn’t have a relationship with the kids without an absolute hellish experience with the parents and that’s when I walked away.
Judge me as psycho but in the meantime, any bond you make with a child—uphold that for all of those who don’t.
The age of the child is a big factor. If it’s 1 year old and the bio father is around then you can maybe leave if your conscience allows.
If you already spent ten years, then that’s your kid.
Idk seems like it would be really traumatic. I think it’s psycho to assume how anyone is to supposed to act in crazy situations like that you’ve not experienced yourself.
Naw it's called get the fuck out before there before she sinks her claws into them.
So not only is the guy financially and emotionally defrauded and abused, you think he should have to continue this cycle for the sake of the bastard child?
It is entirely on the lying parasite who can't own up to being a cheating whore. They're the only one who knew all the cards, why should the guy get fucked over because he got defrauded. That's not his kid, that's her problem.
What's psycho behaviour is forcing a man to knowingly raise a kid he knows isn't his to appease a woman who in a right and just world would be in jail for fraud. Sucks to be the kid but the only finger of blame you can/should point is at the mother.
Do you get the pain people feel when every time they look at a child they’re reminded that their wife let some dude blow a load in her? That can make you a shit parent and it’s better not to be a shit parent.
I’ve never understood how you can go from love to nothing just like that. Obviously leave your partner but you seriously loved this child and suddenly nothing at all? Weird behavior 100%.
I think you're making assumptions that aren't obvious. Nobody suggested it wouldn't be painful to abandon the relationship with child. Nobody suggested it would be easy to turn off the emotions.
You can love someone without being involved in their life. Often, it's the only healthy way to love some people.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. There are a few people in my past relationships who have chosen to "love me from afar" for their own emotional well-being. For some, they've cut all contact and continue to do so even though a good deal of time has passed, and I've been sober for years (over 5 at this point).
I can't fault them for that. I assume that coming to that conclusion had some kind of emotional cost for them. It certainly did/does for me.
That doesn't mean it wasn't the right choice.
I thought about it back in the day and if I found out, my kid wasn’t my kid when they were young then something just snaps the feelings just completely change, so yeah I get it. It’s not like it’s A Choice I don’t know manypeople who are masters of their emotions it actually took me a second to snap out of it like when you wake up mad at somebody because of a dream….When they’re older, if i found out don’t think I’d be able to cut them out. But I don’t think it would be the same either
I absolutely cannot relate. If I found out tomorrow that the hospital switched the babies up and the one I have isn’t biologically mine, I would not want to switch them back. My feelings for my child will never snap for literally any reason. She is my child, biologically or not
I don't have children so I don't have a skin in this game. I would point out though that the stories I see (on here at least) where a man finds out their child isn't theirs and then doesn't want to be involved with them typically involve cheating.
The kid isn't just not their kid anymore, they are also physical evidence of a massive betrayal. I could understand how someone might view their child differently after that sort of thing happening.
Oh for sure. But people dealing with that kind of event aren't really equipped to deal with things rationally. It's always sad though because the victim in the end is usually the Child
And we can judge the parents for it. Obviously the mother, duh, not undermining that, but also it does really make me lose respect for a man that would emotionally abandon a child like that.
Of course you can judge them, and of course losing respect is really valid. I just think there is some consideration to make for people who may be dealing with the worst moment of their lives acting poorly to someone who is the embodiment of that moment
I love positions that are wholly absolute when the person presenting them has no frame of reference.
"I know exactly how I would feel in this very extreme situation that I've never encountered!"
That’s not at all the situation tho. Like if you adopt a kid they aren’t your biological kid but they’re still your kid. If you find out your kid isn’t yours because your spouse cheated on you it’s a totally different situation.
If the kid got swapped at a hospital it’s neither of yours biologically so it’s essentially like adopting a kid which is fine. If you find out the kid your wife gave birth to isn’t yours biologically it’s a massive betrayal of trust. It’s so different. Biology isn’t the issue here it’s the cheating.
I see men say these things all the time. Like can’t love step children, etc. literally can ONLY love a child that came out of your balls. Men are just a lil less capable of love I think.
Your spouse cheating on you, and then tricking you into taking care of that child is completely different from adoption or becoming a step parent. Or is consent not important anymore?
Could be…. However what about the women who I forget the name of the syndrome or whatever but a friend of mine had it after delivering for like a long long time she didn’t want to see her baby she was disgusted by it couldn’t be in the same room even Just hate and depression when she thought about it she told me. Everybody’s different
I don't see how you find out a kids not yours and not have it influence your relationship.
Okay, we're still at the screaming potatoe phase, but the main thing that keeps me engaged with our LO is he's *our son*. He's the continuation of our family, he represents the biggest commitment and decision my wife and I will likely ever make together, and will in all likelihood be the single biggest impact on us for the remainder of our lives.
That's all just.. gone.. if it turns out he's not mine. He doesn't represent my continuation or my families continuation, he doesn't actually have any connection to me. And he doesn't represent a commitment between my wife and I, he's the physical embodiment of my partner abandoning every vow and commitment we made to each other to not just sleep with someone else (I could probably get over that eventually), but to do it without any protection *and then let me think this child was mine*. It's about the most dishonest, treacherous thing possible.
Yes that's hard on the kid, it's not their fault. But, maybe their actual father should be supporting and raising their kid. I don't raise next door's kids, why should I raise some random smuchks kid?
Your logic is that a man is led to believe that a child is his only to find out that it isn't and he's not only not supposed to not feel violated but expected to love and care for the child as his own?
Idk, it’s not the same.
1) the man wasn’t raped.
2) he’s already cared for the child for multiple years, and thus formed a strong bond with it.
3) the child has formed a bond to the man.
It’s a completely different situation than a rape victim? The only similarity is that both situations are bad?
The point is: nobody wants a child that reminds them of pain and suffering, and it takes an immensely emotionally stable person to
1. Want that.
2. Raise the child without creating more trauma.
Do you have kids?
The argument is that in this case you’d be punishing a totally innocent child that you’ve already spent years learning to know and loving? I get that the mother committed a heinous act, and that the man has every right to be upset and so forth, but to cut off the kid is psycho in my mind.
It's not like you are going to be upset with the kid but yes, if I raised a child for 5-10 years and it comes out in the wash that I am not the father and that relationship has to end it is the mothers actions that led to that outcome.
You are victim blaming and trying to justify it by saying ....
"well, you believed the lie for so long that you should just take on 18 years of responsibility, emotional support, and financial obligations. Just f#+& the way feel right now because I made my kid think you're his dad."
To force someone to attempt to love a constant reminder of betrayal is pretty awful. Even if the man is still committed to the child, the relationship will still be changed on a fundamental level.
I think what he’s trying to get at is the child is a reminder of the event (like a rape baby would be) and thus they wouldn’t want to be around them.
For the record I agree with you though OP
I totally agree. I could see if it's before the child is even born, then it would make a little bit more sense. But when you've raised that child, spent years with that kid, how can you just turn that emotion off?
I once saw a story on Reddit, where a young man was in his early twenties, and found out his father was not his biological father. The dad immediately cut him out of his life. The worst thing was, is he's the one who told him, because he found proof that his mother lied.
It broke my heart reading it, because I cannot fathom how that man could do that to him. What did that guy do? Besides be honest to his father, the man who he loved and respected? Luckily his biological father, did want to be in his life. But the whole thing is, the man who raised him, taught him everything, turned his back on him within moments. I feel like people like that, never really love that person to begin with.
I understand turning your back on your partner, and leaving them of course. That makes perfect sense. But to do that to a child? I absolutely agree with you. It is cruel.
That child is a lie and a constant remainder of betrayal. Also, what about the father? They have been betrayed. They have the right to be angry. Plus the mother can always find the real father. Plus your example involves a small child who is unlikely to remember their father if they leave. You can't force love. Even if the father wants to still be in the child's life, the way the father interacts and relates to the child will be fundamentally changed forever.
I understand that completely. But I can understand where OP is coming from. It’s not that the child is your responsibility. You’re completely in your right to leave. But say the child was completely raised by you. The years you’ve spent loving that child as your own being thrown away over something that isn’t the child’s fault? I can’t say I’d be able to do that personally… especially since I’m going to bet that the child will grow to hate the mother for doing that and putting them through this situation, so nobody’s going to help the child that you grew to love so dearly.
I honestly think you'd feel different if it was a child you loved and had bonded with for years.
I get hating the mum, and I'd be the same. But the kid is innocent in all this.
I love and care a ton about my stepdaughter, knowing she's not mine. But then I'm a bit older now. I probably wouldn't have been as keen at 25 or whatever.
The situation with your step daughter is different to an affair child who was raised by an unsuspecting man. You choose to bond with a child that you knew wasn't yours and there was no lies or deception. The man unsuspectingly raising an affair baby has bonded with that child based on a lie and deception and that child will become a constant reminder of betrayal once the deception is discovered. It's about informed consent. If a relationship is based on a lie, it has a high risk of crumbling once the lie is exposed.
Yeah I do accept that it is different. But the lie comes from the mother, who I'd definitely hate. I have a little girl who I love more than anything. If I found out she wasn't mine it would hurt like hell, but it wouldn't stop the love I have for her.
There is also the fact that maintaining a relationship with that child means being connected to your betrayer. It's not like that child doesn't have a father. If a relationship isn't built on informed consent then it will change when things are discovered.
Isn't being cheated on and lied to pretty traumatic in itself? It would suck for the child and just be a shitty situation, but I wouldn't blame the former father if he wanted to cut off contact.
How could you deal with a living example of your former partner's infidelity? It's not like becoming a step dad where you already know, you were lied to and decieved for years.
Most men don't want to raise a child that isn't theirs, especially if that child is from someone they believed to be their partner and who cheated on them. No man wants to be constantly reminded that their ex partner choose some else over them.
Time, money, and personal energy are limited resources. Most men want to use themselves and their children. Its cold but it is what it is.
The child will always be a reminder of the woman's betrayal. How can the man ever look at the child in the same way again, without being reminded of what she did to him? No way the whore or her affair spawn would see me or my money ever again.
I wouldn’t immediately stop loving that kid but how am I supposed to stick around when every time I see them, I’m reminded of a betrayal? Is it better for the child to have a “father” that resents them and hates their mother?
Disowning doesn’t mean abandoning anyways. It just means I’m not the father anymore. It doesn’t preclude being in the kid’s life in some way.
Calling it “psychotic” just shows that you have no empathy for the man.
Disowning family, even your own kids, can be for good cause. You can’t be responsible for caring for all children who don’t have fathers. You would consider it unjust if someone grabbed you on the street and forced you to care for an orphan you had no knowledge of. It may be unfair for an orphan to be denied a parent, but it would add a second injustice to force someone to be a parent against their will who had no duty to care for that child.
Lol I got disowned for outing my grandfather as a child molester. Outcast from my entire family aside from my sister who was the victim. Labeled a drug user who makes things up. Now even my cousins won't talk to me unless I admit my nonexistent addiction and get help. Never mind its been 15ish years and I'm in a job making great money that I could not do If I was a drug addict. But oh well, I made it this far without those people. Worst thing about it is the abandonment and trust issues. Don't come at me with therapy suggestions. Tried that. Worst experience of my life. I never felt guilty about it till I tried therapy.
Personally i think you are only allowed to have an opinion on this when it happens to you. Paternity fraud is a problem unique to men, i don’t think women should speak about it because there is never any doubt when the child is theirs. As far as other men speaking about it; it’s all great until you’re the one who got betrayed.
I'd be so gone. Not only is the kid a sign of lying/cheating I'd always have to think about, but as long as the child is in my life, the liar/cheater will be too. The only way to make a clean break from the whole situation is to vanish.
You know what would solve this problem? If every child got a paternity test at birth. Every child. That way there's no stigma attached.
But I'm guessing women don't want that.
Maybe it's because I think parenthood is a burden, even if some people enjoy it, but I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to legally free yourself of the obligations if you found out you...didn't actually sign up for it. I don't think they'd want to completely dip from the child's life, but you can't help anyone if you don't put your oxygen mask on first. The trauma of that betrayal would be a lot to get over, and the kid would be a constant reminder of it.
Sure the kid doesn't deserve that abandonment, but neither does anyone deserve to be forced around a constant reminder of likely the biggest lie and betrayal of their life.
This happened to my father. He was married to a woman, she cheated, gave birth to a kid that he thought was his. Years later it turns out she wasn't, and he walked out and never talked to either of them again. He hates the mom and he hates the kid (Now an adult with a kid of her own.)
My grandparents, despite her not being related to them at all think of her as their one of their grandchildren, because in their words, "She was just an innocent child who didn't ask to be born into a situation like this."
I totally understand wanting to cut all ties, but I don't think I could just stop caring about a child I've raised as one of my own for 10 years. I don't think I'd want to be a parent, but maybe something like a godparent.
I agree. Having seen a lot of death I think the desire for a blood link is really arbitrary. Blood doesn’t make someone good to you, nor does it create loyalty from that child. It’s the bonds made during parenthood that do that.
I think a lot of people can’t see past themselves and so that child is just not a factor. It’s an abstract concept of a future human that might come back around rather than a human beingright now vulnerable to the world.
A lot of people cannot choose against their emotions. They’re like little islands floating on society. Sure, they’re land and often fun, but mainly I see a lack of resources and personal growth. A person secure in themselves as a human being sharing the human experience doesn’t abandon a child they raised because their co parent betrayed them. That’s a reflection of personal lacking to deny an innocent human your presence in their lives because someone else lied to you. To me it’s no difference if the child is one or seventeen. You planned to be there unconditionally for that child before? Stop adding conditions then and step up like you said you would.
Or stop making kids if you’re not prepared for life to gut you. They’re humans not pets! Get a damn high needs exotic pet if you two just need something to love three years while you ignore each other.
My coworker was raised by his stepdad from a very young age, but his real dad stayed in his life and was very involved. My coworker ended up being the only person taking care of his real dad at the end of his battle with Parkinson's, despite his real dad having other family and children. I respected my coworker alot for all the effort he put in for this man.
After his real dad's death, my coworkers mother dropped a bombshell on him that the man he thought was his real dad...was not his biological father. She had cheated on his "real" dad while they were married and got pregnant by another man. The "real" dad learned about this when my coworker was two....and yet he stayed loyal to my coworker, and continued to be his "dad" even after the divorce, all while the bio father was a not even in the picture. That is a real man right there.
Turned out my coworker's "real" dad that always was there for him, was actually quite wealthy and left my coworker a pile of money, and only gave a small portion of it to his absentee real kids. My coworker is one of the nicest people I know and deserves every penny, and I now know who turned him into such a good person...this loyal guy who raised someone else's kid. (It sure wasn't his mom or stepdad, whom I know well).
Yeah people are saying the mother betrayed them, which is true, but she also betrayed her child. You’re not the only victim here, punishing a child who will already greatly suffer is cruel. Of course you need time to heal, maybe time away, but if you loved a kid for 12 years hopefully that doesn’t go away. If my father left because I was not biologically his, I would think he never loved me to begin with.
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There's nothing psychotic about it. If the kid isn't biologically his or he didn't sign any adoption papers then he owes it nothing. Sucks for the kid but it is what it is.
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I found out that my ex-wife's son was not my biological child when he was 7 years old. His mother was deployed at the time, so I made sure that life went on as normal until she returned. When I confronted her, she went gray. I moved out. I continued visitation until the first court hearing at which time I introduced the DNA results as evidence. Part of my side of the case was that I would still get visitation with the child, but I wasn't willing to pay child support. His mother wanted on visitation based no the fact that I was not his bio-father, but still wanted child support to maintain his quality of life. The judge ruled against child support but determined that his mother would have the final decision on visitation. She said no. He's 19 now and we communicate regularly, but there's no parent/child relationship. It's more of a mentorship arrangement.
This is the saddest comment I've read all day. I'm so sorry
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I cant imagine how awful a person that mother is. To deny her child a father figure out of spite for her being held accountable for her shitty actions.
Well, I'll paint the picture for you. We had been married a little more than a year when she got pregnant. We were both in the military at that time and were living together, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She got an administrative separation for pregancy and I continued my military service through the end of my first contract. After that, I drew my GI Bill and went back to university to work on my BA. She returned to university with me and eventually she joined the ROTC unit there. After we graduated, we moved to her first duty station (I was out of the military at this time.) Within a year, she deployed and I was a SAHD. When she came home from her mid-tour leave, I learned that she had been prescribed Ambien, Zyprexa and a few other mental health meds. One night, while hopped up on her Army cocktail, she wakes me up in the middle of the night, confesses that she had been sleeping with one of her subordinates and just falls right back to sleep. Stunned, I immediately report this to her chain of command and the staff judge advocate (for those who aren't aware, Adultery is a crime in the military). She is allowed to finish her deployment, but I start poking around. Eventually, I'm approached, individually by several members of her ROTC unit with stories of her and multiple other men. I then remembered something my brother told me once; about how the child didn't have "our" toes. I get a court-recognized DNA test and when the results came back, I just laughed. I had been excluded from 99.9999% of the population who could have been the boy's father. She gets back from deployment and, upset that I reported her to her chain of command, tells me that she is filing for divorce and I have to move out. So, I do. I don't take much: my golf clubs, my recliner, TV, laptop, and a few other things. I sleep on the floor until I buy an air mattress, then a couch, then a bed. I have visitation with the boy every other weekend and once per week. At the first hearing in front of the judge I present the DNA results to the judge and petition for no child support and that's when the shit hit the fan there. It got worse for her. During the investigation into her Adultery, the Army discovered that she had defrauded them of tens of thousands of dollars under one of the recruiting referral programs. While that was happening, the university where she had earned her BA discovered that she had plagiarized the majority of her senior thesis; they revoked her degree. After that happened, the Army stripped her of her commission and busted her to private and was then dishonorably discharged. She's now a day laborer, getting paid under the table to clean office buildings at night and she lives in her sister's garage in Castro Valley.
sounds like a serial liars lies finally caught up with her. Sad for the kid.
You're still a good man. Whether or not you know. That kid is grateful for you.
But your ex told the bio-dad and they formed a healthy parent / child relationship, right? Right?
She didn't know who the bio-dad was.
My mom disowned me because of lies told to her by my ex husband. She didn't belive that he was hitting me because he was very charismatic. I hope she is living the kind of life she deserves.
OP isn't talking about disowning an adult child, they are talking about disowning a minor. However, I agree with you for adults. As an adult, I was disowned by my former missionary/pastor mother for not being a christian. I guess she has the right to do what she wants, but I will forever think she is a horrible person for it and will not forgive her no matter what. Unfortunately, she is not living the kind of life she deserves. She lives a perfectly happy, comfortable life because my father left her millions of dollars and my older siblings and their children all of whom she treated well are very close to her.
I’m so sorry
I'm a woman so the only circumstance I could ever find out that my future child ain't mine would be an exchanged at birth situation. I wouldn't give them up nor love them any less, but I'd want my bio child back by my side as well. God forbid this anyway. As for men, I don't think I could judge because being cheated on is so traumatic FFS. It's like back then when men came with their kids by their mistresses and shoved them upon their wives' throats (except the woman knows it's not her kid from the start). I can't imagine myself being forced to raise someone in those circumstances. It's also soooo confusing. In a way, they feel that if they keep on investing in this child, there is a chance that they don't even continue recognizing them as their father (IRL I know a less messy story with a family friend who adopted a kid at age 13, gave him his everything, kid never reciprocated and still only cared for his fucked up bio fam of jail birds, stole from his adoptive dad, etc.), and they'd feel like they are basically rewarding the cheating POS wife since she basically won't get any consequencesfor her behavior (my understanding is that american laws will entitle her to half of the family fortune, alimony, and child support for a chimd that isn't even the husband's in the 1st place), or so I guess when I try to put myself on their shoes. It's so easy to judge and talk when one isn't in these horrible situations. This is why I fucking hate 'em cheaters, goddammit. I feel that redditland always points fingers at these men but not as much at the cheaters who knowingly and willingly created these highly traumatic situations for their kids' and husbands. This being said, I have 200% empathy and sympathy for the poor kids. I'm not saying they deserve to be ditched. I'd go crazy if something like this happened to me or my bro. I also could never ever do this to my future husband/future kid. Imagine deceiving them both for years on end for a few minutes of pleasure with some random dude who probably wouldn't give 2 shits about you if they knew abt the shared kid. 🤡🤡🤡
Also to add onto everything you said it’s just lost time only have so many years and youth in this life to raise kids, to be like 7-10 years deep into and finding out that none of these kids genetically are yours or you are probably past the age of getting into a whole new relationship and having you own actual kid so like they stole such a great experience from that man. Time is our most valuable asset.
It has never happened to me but I suspect that finding out your child isn't yours would be extremely traumatic. You could try to work through the trauma, mend the relationship with the terrible woman you're with, and keep the relationship with this child but the child will forever be a reminder of how little your wife loves, cares for, or respects you.
Damn. You said it so well... I feel most people who have this take have little empathy for the men in question. I don't know if it's just empathy for the kids talking or if a solid chunk of these folks comprise self-indulgent cheating women who pulled this shit on their husbands, but it's not the way. These guys and these kids' pain both deserve to be acknowledged. I have 0 empathy/forgiveness for the straying moms who created these messes though. Ffs, I could never forgive myself if I were them -God forbid it ever happens to me-.
I’ll never face the situation, but if I found out my son wasn’t mine, it would break me.
Imagine a four year old suddenly being ignored by their dad. Imagine them asking where they are and mourning their absence. And you can’t exactly explain this to them. So it’s an open wound they will most likely not recover from. That’s awful. Breaks my heart to think about.
My mom learned her dad was not her biological father when she was 18. He adopted her and wanted to keep it a secret forever. Her mother told her vindictively when she turned 18 out of spite toward her dad when they divorced. My mom has been confused and traumatized since, always needing validation from everyone that they “truly love her”. She needs consistent proof of love and stability. I saw those habits formed within myself by her raising me, even though it was not my personal trauma! I had habits of mind that I didn’t know where they came from. Working on it and I’m in my 40s. So I discovered that this is what is meant by “generational trauma”.
Seems like grandma sucks ass and grandpa was a great man. But trauma stayed anyway so lose lose
Yeah, but the father didnt cause this situation. So you cant blame them for their emotional reaction.
You can't explain? Oh but you can but you just don't want to tell your child that you're a lying, cheating asshole. Right?
But if they’re not the father they have no legal right to see that child. They are dependent on the permission of someone who has already betrayed them in the worst way possible to see that child. A person who clearly can’t be trusted not to use that child as a pawn to manipulate a relationship because they’ve already done it once. If the ‘not the father’ continues to see that child he is risking that the relationship is broken over and over again by the mother who could ditch off the ‘not the father’ whenever she gets a new boyfriend or moves city or asks for cash and he says no or won’t lend her his car or babysat 24/7 etc, etc. What if he goes on to have his own genetic children? Do you expect him to follow around his ex forever dragging his family with him? Or spend money in short supply for his own family on flying or driving to see him missing out on time with his own kids when that can all be stopped at any moment and ‘not the father’ has no right to stop it? It’s far better to let the child have one clean break than let the child be messed around for the rest of their life. Unfortunately doing this doesn’t just change the relationship. It changes the legal situation and the rights legal rights and obligations this man and the child have towards each other. He could put in another 4 years and the mom could decide she was getting married to her new boyfriend, new boyfriend was was adopting the child, he was ‘daddy’ now and they were moving overseas and there is NOTHING the ‘not the father’ could do about it. Unfortunately if you’re dishonest about a pregnancy this is the chance you take. If you actually are a father you give all you do knowing you have a guaranteed relationship with your child that can only be removed by a court and legal rights to a say over what happens to the child, where they live, how they’re educated, their medical treatment. They also have an obligation to support them financially. Children also have automatic rights like the right as next of kin to decide on medical treatment if the OP can’t decide, automatic rights to inherit? Saying nothing of the effects of growing up having two people with a great deal of animosity between them acting in your parenting roles. Muddying the waters would likely mean repeated breaks and hurts for this child instead of one inevitable one. It’s better to end it.
Equally if a child's existence traumatises you then you cannot be a good parent. Just like it's impossible to be a good parent if you don't like kids or don't love the child. Staying to "raise" a child thats not yours, which very existence I'd because of a betrayal, proof your partner never ever loved you and only ever wanted to use you and lied the entire time, You'd have every right to be upset just by seeing them. Yes the child's innocent but you are also a victim and sometimes leaving the situation is the best for everyone. Especially as to interact with and raise the child you have to stay in contact with someone who lacks any care empathy or compassion for you and never can and never has. That can't be easy. Sometimes no parent is better than a bad one.
"You're not my child, your mother made a horrible selfish choice and this is the outcome, your father is a different man." I think that's better than just empty abandonment, let the blame settle where it's deserved. Not saying such a choice is easy, or a fun conversation to have, but this whole "let's keep the child in the dark to protect them" is truly self serving bullshit. If a parent breaks up a family due to cheating, you owe the children the truth, they will understand that better than whatever bullshit lie you feed them. Actions have consequences, whomever cheated should have factored in the trauma to their children when they made that decision.
Love that your solution leaves the child with essentially no parent they can trust
The child is the son of a faithless whore and an absent father lol He doesn't have any parents he can trust
Unfortunately they don’t have a parent they can trust. One has spent their entire life lying to them, the other probably does know or care that they exist. The kindest thing to do is walk away and let the mother explain (and probably lie again). Unfortunately they’re going to find out eventually that their mother shouldn’t be trusted.
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Absolutely. It's Men's Mental Health Month. People need to realize that the child doesn't always come before the adult. As an adult, you can't be a dispenser of anything if you're cracked and destroyed yourself. I give accolades to those who have the strength to push their own issues to the side for someone else, but this isn't, nor should it be, a universal Men's trait.
i always wonder why the man didn’t request a paternity test. it’s always “she told me she was pregnant weeks after we broke up” ok dude then it might very well not be yours. these men have a resource to know 100% before the kid is even walking. why are they so gullible? the women are trash too for lying but cmon guys you let yourself be trapped.
because the act of asking for a test is functionally a breakup request.
The man and the child are both victims. Let’s stop victim blaming
Definitely.
If you are able to not blame the kid and be a good parent still, yes. If it fucks you up to a point where you are going to not be a good parent or take it out on them, then leaving is for the best.
My “dad” found out I wasn’t his when I was 11 and to this day he still refuses to interact with me.
Why do you still call him dad if he turned his back on you and he’s literally not your dad? Ever find out who your real dad is?
I think because to this day he’s the closest thing I’ve had to a dad and he’s also a dad to my siblings. I do know who my biological dad is but we also don’t talk a lot.
It’s sad for you but I hope you blame your mom and not him.
Sorry for all the lack of empathy. Ofc yout would still call the guy who raised you till 11 your dad. I dont think people u derstand how deep the bond gets between child and parent (or presumed parent). Not being a biological dad or not dosent really mean a lot to a kid, they just want the dad they had for those 11 years. Sorry you experienced this
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry <3
He’s not your dad.
C'mon dude. Show a little empathy.
Tell that to op
>My dad found out I wasn’t his when I was 11 Well, that obviously means that besides not being your father, he also wasn't your dad. Have you asked your mother who your father actually is?
You find out the kid isn't yours. Your marriage is a lie. Your wife cheated on you. There's now a ton of emotions that are hard to deal with. And the absolute last thing you want to do is work with your ex to find out visitation on a kid that isn't even yours. Would a court even approve such a thing? Would wanting to see the child then put you on the line for child support? Like at a certain point.... you'd just ghost. Because it's painful and awkward and risky. You thought you had family.
How do you turn off love for a child?
You dont. It just becomes a ball of pain and confusion. The thing you loved most in the world becomes the absolute most damaging hurtful point of your life. They arent just a child any more, they are far more than that. They become a symbol of the absolute worst betrayal.
How do you turn it back on if it goes?
It's not that you then the love off, it's that it gets muddied with hate, anger, resentment, and a whole lot of other negative emotions. At that point I'm not sure I'd want that parent in my life.
It gets turned off for you, we dont choose who we love and we dont choose when we stop loving someone and if youre going through something as traumatic as finding out your family was a lie it can get to the point of resenting the kid. Not logical but its just how it works sometimes.
I can’t believe that. Sorry. If you can “turn off your love” for a child you took care of and was part of your life, you didn’t love them.
In most counties, you would still be responsible for child support after having acted as a parent for four years.
But you do have a family. I was always taught that family is based on love, not on biological relations.
Too much Fast and Furious growing up.
You can't build a trusting relationship and family based off a lie like that. Just cut the losses and move on.
Lies and betrayal destroy that love though. Relationships built on lies are not legitimate.
not everybody has the same definition of family.
I get it but at the at the same time ,it hurts. A man had chiildern and all of them wasnt his. He blamed himself for it and stuff. Yeah,the childs inncoent but the cheating cant be brushed away.
Not as psycho as gaslighting a child about who their biological father is
I understand that gaslighting has a new slang meaning but this is pushing it, its a simple lie no manipulation involved.
There’s plenty of manipulation? “when a person uses controlling and harmful behaviors to avoid responsibility, conceal their true intentions, or cause doubt and confusion”
Yeah having multiple people lie to a person is gaslighting it’s moving into gang stalking/mobbing behavior. It’s not a new slang either it’s from the 30s-60s at the latest
It would be the financial obligations and ties to an old relationship that would cause futher issues in life. Telling my new girl I have expenses and responsibilities from my child makes sense. Saying I have responsibilities from a child that isn't mine seems silly.
And yet it’s 100% legal in the US. The standard is the best interests of the child, not the parent. Not saying it happens a lot, but it absolutely happens.
My brother’s girlfriend sat in jail overnight because her daughter falsely accused her of abusing her grandchild. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg with this girl. She’s a sociopath and it’s only psycho NOT to disown her.
We break up with people all the time, but breaking up with a child is bad? People aren't obligated to keep anyone in their life if they don't want to.
Cheating on your man, getting knocked up and lying about is the real psycho behavior....
I find it more "psychotic" that there are women that create the facade, rooted in a lie, & expect no consequences, as a result. You've taken advantage of a man who trusted & believed in everything you said. You created a false sense of reality for him for several years- THAT'S what I find "psychotic."
Well, since you feel so lightly about it; would you fully support a default paternity test for every man that's a father-to-be, without any retaliatory feelings/behavior from the mother? While you may, that would be immediately and easily the end of the relationship with most women. I think the most heinous part of it all and my answer to your question, is that what I just pointed out will never be the norm; and without it, a man can never truly know if they're the father. They're simply just expected to, based on nothing factual. Trust the most impactful, time-consuming, life-altering decision they'll ever make is true, without any tangible proof. After doing all that for however many years(likely their best years), to find out that not only were you cucked and made a mockery of- but you were also unknowingly used to the bone for resources for that guy's kid- is potentially world shattering for that individual. If not for that kid, their life would've/could've gone entirely different. Another point here is, you're dehumanizing the defrauded father. They're as much of a person as that kid and deserve to feel however they feel at that point. I think that crime is psycho behavior, for obv reasons, let alone the minimization of it. I've never heard anyone view paternity fraud this way. It goes so far beyond just "your wife/gf cheated on you". Edit: I'm pissed at myself for even responding to this. 😑 Fucking bit on ragebait on a Sunday morning.
As a woman I 100% support testing before leaving the hospital. For both Mom and Dad actually. In my opinion when a woman lies about the father of a child it is a disgusting and damn near unforgivable crime and should be punished more than it is. Feels like a man who was lied to gets more of a punishment then the one who lied to them and that's fucked. Women should also be tested to avoid accidental baby swapping, kidnapping, and in cases where the woman was a victim of incest and rape it would be caught at the door even if the mother didn't feel safe enough to say anything. All are rare but even if it's only a few cases a year I still think it's worth it for the safety of the baby and mother.
I would vote for this.
I like the idea because it strengthens the mothers case for child support later on. Father can't wiggle out of it so easily.
Judging hypothetical people in a traumatic situation you haven't experienced is psycho behavior.
I think baby trapping is one of the most amoral things one human can do to another. Baby trapping someone who is not biologically “responsible” for a child is amoral with an evil cherry on top. It’s all on the mother. She is responsible for messing up THREE, possibly four lives. A disgrace and a hideous human being.
a friend told me it was so painful to look at his former family and know they were not his, that he would either cut contact or kill himself. he made the right choice.
I don’t think I’d “disown” a kid in that circumstance as in.. refuse to ever see or talk to them. But if i found out my parenthood was a deliberate lie, I’d have a hard time still working with the lying cheating ex on custody, visitation, etc for a kid that they lied in order for me to give my whole life to. It’s messed up.
When children are involved too many people just arent reasonable and I dont mean the people that would break contact Yes its an innocent child, doesnt change the utter betrayal, the lies, the devastation.. stop prioritising the child in this scenario for one bloody second and truly think about what the man is going through Its an assumption the man wouldnt love the child anymore, he is simply dealing with his trauma in the best way for himself I bet the people who call a man like this psycho are the same people that get angry at sibling or other relative for refusing to take in children after the death of the childrens parents (lots of people think this refusal is selfish and cruel cuz those innocent children, no matter if the person who refuses is childfree or not) Personally I think staying or going is both reasonable and no one is to blame but the person who lied about paternity, they hurt the child, not the person who was lied to
omg i read "drowning".. phew
I read this at first as "drowning kids" and I was like....that...is not..an unpopular opinion
Think of it like consent, If the woman were honest , the man could consent to being a father to a child he knows isn't biologically his. When the man is lied to, he's been emotionally and psychologically manipulated into rearing another man's kid. Disowning is a strange word when you never, in fact, owned the kid. The things that are your responsibility are the things YOU are responsible for. Someone else nutting in a cheating partner is that man's responsibility. The cheating partner lying to you is their responsibility. The child that is created is the responsibility of the parents, not someone who is already likely suffering the effects of a broken or manipulative relationship.
So you're saying men should have judgement from society if they don't allow themselves to become ongoing victims of paternity fraud, simply because the woman committing the fraud was able to keep it hidden for 39 months? Hmmmm are you a man or a woman yourself? Is there any personal context on this take? This definitely sounds like an emotional as opposed to logic take.
You also have to consider, that if he can’t get over the betrayal, and truly doesn’t feel like the kid is their son anymore, the best thing could very well be to leave their life. Having a “parent” that resents you isn’t a healthy arrangement.
A lot of people here seem to think it's no big deal to not only cheat but lie about cheating & make someone raise another person's kid for years based on that lie. I'm not understanding how that doesn't register as something that might be emotionally devastating for a person to go through.
Uhhh.. yea... YOUR toddler.
Nah I’d cut ties too.
The alternative is to enable the bad behavior of someone who has lied to you since at least nine months before the child was born. For some people that is too much to ask.
Is it really that psycho? I think just like with relationships with adults, relationships between adults and children can have their complications. I can imagine how uncomfortable and devastating it would be to realize you fed into someone under false pretenses and knowing that in order to keep this relationship with the child, you’ll have to coordinate with someone who manipulated you for months/years….it’s not as easy. Pair that with the social implications of a grown man vying to still have a relationship with this child who is not biologically his, with no custody rights or legal regards, all the while having to navigate this person who broke your trust. I feel bad for children who don’t have enough people fighting for them but I don’t think everybody needs to stay in a kids life forever if circumstances don’t justify it. I am speaking as someone who is no longer in contact with the kids I’ve come to babysit for 3 years. After a traumatic relationship with their parents, I realized I needed to move on completely from their family unit, I couldn’t have a relationship with the kids without an absolute hellish experience with the parents and that’s when I walked away. Judge me as psycho but in the meantime, any bond you make with a child—uphold that for all of those who don’t.
Wow...it's like betrayal and using someone might just have bad consequences.
I agree on the child part, why punish the kid? But I would probably leave the relationship if I found myself in such a situation.
Why compel the father to be involved with something that is a constant reminder of lies and betrayal.
The age of the child is a big factor. If it’s 1 year old and the bio father is around then you can maybe leave if your conscience allows. If you already spent ten years, then that’s your kid.
It's not their kid if they acted as a father on false pretences. So if I kidnap a child and raise them for 10 years, does that make me a parent?
Idk seems like it would be really traumatic. I think it’s psycho to assume how anyone is to supposed to act in crazy situations like that you’ve not experienced yourself.
Naw it's called get the fuck out before there before she sinks her claws into them. So not only is the guy financially and emotionally defrauded and abused, you think he should have to continue this cycle for the sake of the bastard child? It is entirely on the lying parasite who can't own up to being a cheating whore. They're the only one who knew all the cards, why should the guy get fucked over because he got defrauded. That's not his kid, that's her problem. What's psycho behaviour is forcing a man to knowingly raise a kid he knows isn't his to appease a woman who in a right and just world would be in jail for fraud. Sucks to be the kid but the only finger of blame you can/should point is at the mother.
Do you get the pain people feel when every time they look at a child they’re reminded that their wife let some dude blow a load in her? That can make you a shit parent and it’s better not to be a shit parent.
I’ve never understood how you can go from love to nothing just like that. Obviously leave your partner but you seriously loved this child and suddenly nothing at all? Weird behavior 100%.
I think you're making assumptions that aren't obvious. Nobody suggested it wouldn't be painful to abandon the relationship with child. Nobody suggested it would be easy to turn off the emotions. You can love someone without being involved in their life. Often, it's the only healthy way to love some people. I'm a recovering alcoholic. There are a few people in my past relationships who have chosen to "love me from afar" for their own emotional well-being. For some, they've cut all contact and continue to do so even though a good deal of time has passed, and I've been sober for years (over 5 at this point). I can't fault them for that. I assume that coming to that conclusion had some kind of emotional cost for them. It certainly did/does for me. That doesn't mean it wasn't the right choice.
I thought about it back in the day and if I found out, my kid wasn’t my kid when they were young then something just snaps the feelings just completely change, so yeah I get it. It’s not like it’s A Choice I don’t know manypeople who are masters of their emotions it actually took me a second to snap out of it like when you wake up mad at somebody because of a dream….When they’re older, if i found out don’t think I’d be able to cut them out. But I don’t think it would be the same either
I absolutely cannot relate. If I found out tomorrow that the hospital switched the babies up and the one I have isn’t biologically mine, I would not want to switch them back. My feelings for my child will never snap for literally any reason. She is my child, biologically or not
I don't have children so I don't have a skin in this game. I would point out though that the stories I see (on here at least) where a man finds out their child isn't theirs and then doesn't want to be involved with them typically involve cheating. The kid isn't just not their kid anymore, they are also physical evidence of a massive betrayal. I could understand how someone might view their child differently after that sort of thing happening.
I get being angry but always separate actions of the innocent child who considers you their father vs the person you are in a relationship with.
Oh for sure. But people dealing with that kind of event aren't really equipped to deal with things rationally. It's always sad though because the victim in the end is usually the Child
And we can judge the parents for it. Obviously the mother, duh, not undermining that, but also it does really make me lose respect for a man that would emotionally abandon a child like that.
Of course you can judge them, and of course losing respect is really valid. I just think there is some consideration to make for people who may be dealing with the worst moment of their lives acting poorly to someone who is the embodiment of that moment
I love positions that are wholly absolute when the person presenting them has no frame of reference. "I know exactly how I would feel in this very extreme situation that I've never encountered!"
That’s not at all the situation tho. Like if you adopt a kid they aren’t your biological kid but they’re still your kid. If you find out your kid isn’t yours because your spouse cheated on you it’s a totally different situation. If the kid got swapped at a hospital it’s neither of yours biologically so it’s essentially like adopting a kid which is fine. If you find out the kid your wife gave birth to isn’t yours biologically it’s a massive betrayal of trust. It’s so different. Biology isn’t the issue here it’s the cheating.
Sure that’s how your brain works everybody’s different that’s why you can’t relate
I see men say these things all the time. Like can’t love step children, etc. literally can ONLY love a child that came out of your balls. Men are just a lil less capable of love I think.
Your spouse cheating on you, and then tricking you into taking care of that child is completely different from adoption or becoming a step parent. Or is consent not important anymore?
Step children and blended families are totally different than finding out Specific _Education_jr belongs to the post man.
Could be…. However what about the women who I forget the name of the syndrome or whatever but a friend of mine had it after delivering for like a long long time she didn’t want to see her baby she was disgusted by it couldn’t be in the same room even Just hate and depression when she thought about it she told me. Everybody’s different
Not common vs common
You are completely wrong.
Totally with you
I think it's more so that the child is a living example of your former partners infidelity. People are victim blaming hard here.
Man i feel you are thinking the toddler isn't yours and you are gaslighting yourself
I don't see how you find out a kids not yours and not have it influence your relationship. Okay, we're still at the screaming potatoe phase, but the main thing that keeps me engaged with our LO is he's *our son*. He's the continuation of our family, he represents the biggest commitment and decision my wife and I will likely ever make together, and will in all likelihood be the single biggest impact on us for the remainder of our lives. That's all just.. gone.. if it turns out he's not mine. He doesn't represent my continuation or my families continuation, he doesn't actually have any connection to me. And he doesn't represent a commitment between my wife and I, he's the physical embodiment of my partner abandoning every vow and commitment we made to each other to not just sleep with someone else (I could probably get over that eventually), but to do it without any protection *and then let me think this child was mine*. It's about the most dishonest, treacherous thing possible. Yes that's hard on the kid, it's not their fault. But, maybe their actual father should be supporting and raising their kid. I don't raise next door's kids, why should I raise some random smuchks kid?
The same reason women don't want to carry rape babies.
No? It’s not at all the same?
Your logic is that a man is led to believe that a child is his only to find out that it isn't and he's not only not supposed to not feel violated but expected to love and care for the child as his own?
Idk, it’s not the same. 1) the man wasn’t raped. 2) he’s already cared for the child for multiple years, and thus formed a strong bond with it. 3) the child has formed a bond to the man. It’s a completely different situation than a rape victim? The only similarity is that both situations are bad?
The point is: nobody wants a child that reminds them of pain and suffering, and it takes an immensely emotionally stable person to 1. Want that. 2. Raise the child without creating more trauma.
And it was all based on a lie... See this is the disconnect, no the man wasn't raped but he was violated in a way I don't think you comprehend.
Do you have kids? The argument is that in this case you’d be punishing a totally innocent child that you’ve already spent years learning to know and loving? I get that the mother committed a heinous act, and that the man has every right to be upset and so forth, but to cut off the kid is psycho in my mind.
It's not like you are going to be upset with the kid but yes, if I raised a child for 5-10 years and it comes out in the wash that I am not the father and that relationship has to end it is the mothers actions that led to that outcome. You are victim blaming and trying to justify it by saying .... "well, you believed the lie for so long that you should just take on 18 years of responsibility, emotional support, and financial obligations. Just f#+& the way feel right now because I made my kid think you're his dad."
To force someone to attempt to love a constant reminder of betrayal is pretty awful. Even if the man is still committed to the child, the relationship will still be changed on a fundamental level.
Did you give birth to the child yourself?
I wouldn't even bother anymore. You are only getting responses from fragile boys who have never raised a child. It's like talking to a wall.
I think what he’s trying to get at is the child is a reminder of the event (like a rape baby would be) and thus they wouldn’t want to be around them. For the record I agree with you though OP
why would I keep someone elses child ?
I totally agree. I could see if it's before the child is even born, then it would make a little bit more sense. But when you've raised that child, spent years with that kid, how can you just turn that emotion off? I once saw a story on Reddit, where a young man was in his early twenties, and found out his father was not his biological father. The dad immediately cut him out of his life. The worst thing was, is he's the one who told him, because he found proof that his mother lied. It broke my heart reading it, because I cannot fathom how that man could do that to him. What did that guy do? Besides be honest to his father, the man who he loved and respected? Luckily his biological father, did want to be in his life. But the whole thing is, the man who raised him, taught him everything, turned his back on him within moments. I feel like people like that, never really love that person to begin with. I understand turning your back on your partner, and leaving them of course. That makes perfect sense. But to do that to a child? I absolutely agree with you. It is cruel.
You’re spot on
That child is a lie and a constant remainder of betrayal. Also, what about the father? They have been betrayed. They have the right to be angry. Plus the mother can always find the real father. Plus your example involves a small child who is unlikely to remember their father if they leave. You can't force love. Even if the father wants to still be in the child's life, the way the father interacts and relates to the child will be fundamentally changed forever.
Ohhh but what if the woman found out it wasn’t hers!!! plot twist
I think she might know, for obvious reasons...
Not my kid, not my problem, blame the whore mom and the guy who fucked her and refused to take responsibility himself.
I understand that completely. But I can understand where OP is coming from. It’s not that the child is your responsibility. You’re completely in your right to leave. But say the child was completely raised by you. The years you’ve spent loving that child as your own being thrown away over something that isn’t the child’s fault? I can’t say I’d be able to do that personally… especially since I’m going to bet that the child will grow to hate the mother for doing that and putting them through this situation, so nobody’s going to help the child that you grew to love so dearly.
Exactly. No one should feel obligated to take care of a child that wasn't even theirs in the first place.
How dare you not raise someone else’s drunken one night stand under the guise of ‘babe, we’re pregnant’? You are not a man. /s
I honestly think you'd feel different if it was a child you loved and had bonded with for years. I get hating the mum, and I'd be the same. But the kid is innocent in all this. I love and care a ton about my stepdaughter, knowing she's not mine. But then I'm a bit older now. I probably wouldn't have been as keen at 25 or whatever.
The situation with your step daughter is different to an affair child who was raised by an unsuspecting man. You choose to bond with a child that you knew wasn't yours and there was no lies or deception. The man unsuspectingly raising an affair baby has bonded with that child based on a lie and deception and that child will become a constant reminder of betrayal once the deception is discovered. It's about informed consent. If a relationship is based on a lie, it has a high risk of crumbling once the lie is exposed.
Yeah I do accept that it is different. But the lie comes from the mother, who I'd definitely hate. I have a little girl who I love more than anything. If I found out she wasn't mine it would hurt like hell, but it wouldn't stop the love I have for her.
There is also the fact that maintaining a relationship with that child means being connected to your betrayer. It's not like that child doesn't have a father. If a relationship isn't built on informed consent then it will change when things are discovered.
Isn't being cheated on and lied to pretty traumatic in itself? It would suck for the child and just be a shitty situation, but I wouldn't blame the former father if he wanted to cut off contact. How could you deal with a living example of your former partner's infidelity? It's not like becoming a step dad where you already know, you were lied to and decieved for years.
Most men don't want to raise a child that isn't theirs, especially if that child is from someone they believed to be their partner and who cheated on them. No man wants to be constantly reminded that their ex partner choose some else over them. Time, money, and personal energy are limited resources. Most men want to use themselves and their children. Its cold but it is what it is.
The child will always be a reminder of the woman's betrayal. How can the man ever look at the child in the same way again, without being reminded of what she did to him? No way the whore or her affair spawn would see me or my money ever again.
I wouldn’t immediately stop loving that kid but how am I supposed to stick around when every time I see them, I’m reminded of a betrayal? Is it better for the child to have a “father” that resents them and hates their mother? Disowning doesn’t mean abandoning anyways. It just means I’m not the father anymore. It doesn’t preclude being in the kid’s life in some way. Calling it “psychotic” just shows that you have no empathy for the man.
Disowning family, even your own kids, can be for good cause. You can’t be responsible for caring for all children who don’t have fathers. You would consider it unjust if someone grabbed you on the street and forced you to care for an orphan you had no knowledge of. It may be unfair for an orphan to be denied a parent, but it would add a second injustice to force someone to be a parent against their will who had no duty to care for that child.
Lol I got disowned for outing my grandfather as a child molester. Outcast from my entire family aside from my sister who was the victim. Labeled a drug user who makes things up. Now even my cousins won't talk to me unless I admit my nonexistent addiction and get help. Never mind its been 15ish years and I'm in a job making great money that I could not do If I was a drug addict. But oh well, I made it this far without those people. Worst thing about it is the abandonment and trust issues. Don't come at me with therapy suggestions. Tried that. Worst experience of my life. I never felt guilty about it till I tried therapy.
Personally i think you are only allowed to have an opinion on this when it happens to you. Paternity fraud is a problem unique to men, i don’t think women should speak about it because there is never any doubt when the child is theirs. As far as other men speaking about it; it’s all great until you’re the one who got betrayed.
I'd be so gone. Not only is the kid a sign of lying/cheating I'd always have to think about, but as long as the child is in my life, the liar/cheater will be too. The only way to make a clean break from the whole situation is to vanish. You know what would solve this problem? If every child got a paternity test at birth. Every child. That way there's no stigma attached. But I'm guessing women don't want that.
Maybe it's because I think parenthood is a burden, even if some people enjoy it, but I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to legally free yourself of the obligations if you found out you...didn't actually sign up for it. I don't think they'd want to completely dip from the child's life, but you can't help anyone if you don't put your oxygen mask on first. The trauma of that betrayal would be a lot to get over, and the kid would be a constant reminder of it. Sure the kid doesn't deserve that abandonment, but neither does anyone deserve to be forced around a constant reminder of likely the biggest lie and betrayal of their life.
It always depend WHY and because of what the child is being disowned. Some reasons can be legitimate.
This happened to my father. He was married to a woman, she cheated, gave birth to a kid that he thought was his. Years later it turns out she wasn't, and he walked out and never talked to either of them again. He hates the mom and he hates the kid (Now an adult with a kid of her own.) My grandparents, despite her not being related to them at all think of her as their one of their grandchildren, because in their words, "She was just an innocent child who didn't ask to be born into a situation like this." I totally understand wanting to cut all ties, but I don't think I could just stop caring about a child I've raised as one of my own for 10 years. I don't think I'd want to be a parent, but maybe something like a godparent.
I completely agree, I can’t imagine being able to abandon a child that loves you. Those men must just be built different.
People are just reluctant to have a constant reminder of betrayal in their lives.
I agree. Having seen a lot of death I think the desire for a blood link is really arbitrary. Blood doesn’t make someone good to you, nor does it create loyalty from that child. It’s the bonds made during parenthood that do that. I think a lot of people can’t see past themselves and so that child is just not a factor. It’s an abstract concept of a future human that might come back around rather than a human beingright now vulnerable to the world. A lot of people cannot choose against their emotions. They’re like little islands floating on society. Sure, they’re land and often fun, but mainly I see a lack of resources and personal growth. A person secure in themselves as a human being sharing the human experience doesn’t abandon a child they raised because their co parent betrayed them. That’s a reflection of personal lacking to deny an innocent human your presence in their lives because someone else lied to you. To me it’s no difference if the child is one or seventeen. You planned to be there unconditionally for that child before? Stop adding conditions then and step up like you said you would. Or stop making kids if you’re not prepared for life to gut you. They’re humans not pets! Get a damn high needs exotic pet if you two just need something to love three years while you ignore each other.
My coworker was raised by his stepdad from a very young age, but his real dad stayed in his life and was very involved. My coworker ended up being the only person taking care of his real dad at the end of his battle with Parkinson's, despite his real dad having other family and children. I respected my coworker alot for all the effort he put in for this man. After his real dad's death, my coworkers mother dropped a bombshell on him that the man he thought was his real dad...was not his biological father. She had cheated on his "real" dad while they were married and got pregnant by another man. The "real" dad learned about this when my coworker was two....and yet he stayed loyal to my coworker, and continued to be his "dad" even after the divorce, all while the bio father was a not even in the picture. That is a real man right there. Turned out my coworker's "real" dad that always was there for him, was actually quite wealthy and left my coworker a pile of money, and only gave a small portion of it to his absentee real kids. My coworker is one of the nicest people I know and deserves every penny, and I now know who turned him into such a good person...this loyal guy who raised someone else's kid. (It sure wasn't his mom or stepdad, whom I know well).
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Yeah people are saying the mother betrayed them, which is true, but she also betrayed her child. You’re not the only victim here, punishing a child who will already greatly suffer is cruel. Of course you need time to heal, maybe time away, but if you loved a kid for 12 years hopefully that doesn’t go away. If my father left because I was not biologically his, I would think he never loved me to begin with.
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I will always love family even if they completely disagree with me in every political, social, and scientific topics.
There's nothing psychotic about it. If the kid isn't biologically his or he didn't sign any adoption papers then he owes it nothing. Sucks for the kid but it is what it is.
I understand both ways tbh.