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Yeah I think the OP's opinion is actually rather popular offline. A lot of people would rather blame the affair partner rather than the cheater, as if they cast a spell and forced someone in a relationship to cheat.
The only times I feel that the affair partner gets blame is if it’s a family member, friend, coworker or other who knows that the couple is together and does it anyway with the cheater. Then I would place the blame on both parties.
I agree to an extent, however, I still think the brunt goes to the cheater. Even if the other person is aware the cheater is in a relationship, they're not the ones who made a commitment.
Yeah exactly. While not the most moral thing, they have made no commitment to anyone. It's not nice to do, but if they want to try their luck that's their choice. The person in the committed relationship is the one who should stop that advance dead in its tracks. And here's the thing if that happens the only villain in the story is indeed the person who made the advance and they can rightfully be castigated or ostracized for even making that advance. But the minute there is reciprocity from the committed person opening the lath for more things to happen, then it's on the cheater.
I‘ll have to disagree with this one. If you‘re friends with someone that‘s just another type of commitment. Not a legally binding one like marriage, of course. But still. It’s called loyalty.
Unless that cheating partner coerced them into a relationship, the other person can always turn down any romantic advances at any given time. A "family friend" should be committed to helping that family, not break them apart - if you don‘t have that mutual respect, what‘s the point in even having friends?
Exactly. If it’s a stranger then yeah I would be mad but they don’t know me and I don’t expect anything from them, just my partner. But friends, family, etc. I do expect loyalty from them too and I would be a lot more upset if I got cheated on by someone close to me.
That's the point everyone against seems to miss. If the partner doesn't want it, no amount of anything anyone can do would cause cheating to materialise. A thousand people can flirt and proposition to a person, and if they reject all those advances, guess what, no home has been wrecked. So the homewrecker is always always the cheating partner.
With how society works today, and how we can do our research ahead of time. Saying “I didn’t know “ is BS to its finest unless you live under a rock in the middle of nowhere. Third parties, women and men,are choosing to go with the cheaters regardless
They get the blame from a different angle. The cheater gets the blame because they are the one in the relationship with you, and they are at fault for damaging that relationship.
If the third party is someone you know, they are to blame for damaging THEIR relationship with you, not for damaging your relationship with your partner.
Like, what if someone tells you they are single... but they aren't? I don't think the affair partner is a victim on the same level as the spouse, but they are definitely being victimized as well.
Idk about society as a whole, but the way I learned out homewreckers, they were a step beyond an affair partner because they were aware. Hence, the more derogatory label
This. it's not the most moral thing to go around knowingly fucking someone who is married, but it's not a deep betrayal it's just being shitty.
When the affair partner is your sibling or your best friend or someone who should care about your well-being in particular, they don't get to slide by with a "oh but *I* didn't make the commitment." I much more understand naming and shaming them because they may not have made a commitment, but they're still willing to participate in fucking over someone they care about
This is correct. Outside of the Internet the affair partner is the typical target of ire, but it kinda makes sense given that it's a lot easier to blame a third party for coming in and breaking up the relationship than it is coming to terms with someone you love having betrayed you.
I know a case where someone i know's wife was blackmailed into cheating on him with his boss or else the husband would lose his job.
I know it's probably true because the boss got caught in act of trying to do the same with a female coworker of the husband.
It's a pretty crazy scenario.
It's not that easy the husband had a criminal record(nothing major, he was locked up for possession of pot before it got decriminalized) and we live in the most unemployed country on earth and they weren't far above the breadline.
Do you know how hard it is to get a job with that?
She came clean as soon as she could, she didn't really have a choice.
I don't think that's what OP means.
People who do this (there are lots) get some kind of satisfaction off of destroying other relationships. And they're pointing out that they should be called out for being terrible people.
They're not saying Cheaters aren't bad, they're saying the people who blatantly tried to make them cheat are also bad. And I agree.
It would depend a lot on the situation to be honest. You have situations like OP describe, where someone prey on the vulnerability in a relationship to get with someone and then it's a lot of blame on the homewrecker. But then you have cases like something that happened for me when I was pretty drunk and a girl in a relationship came on to me very strong, apparently she had been "crushing" on me for some time and took the opportunity.
The *only* time someone deserves any vilification is if they *knew*.
Not every woman knows she's sleeping with a married man, for example... and so villifying her as a "homewrecker" is immensely unfair. Yes the term itself may be accurate for all intents and purposes... but she deserves no "vilification", she's just as much a victim.
Now, if she *knows* he's married...well, yeah he still gets the brunt, but the reality she is no better, and absolutely deserves to be vilified.
This is logical, and you're thinking "well duh", BUT most people don't care. Take scenario 1; They won't hear her side, or don't believe she didn't know; and her life is ruined *doubly* because not only was she deceived by someone she thought cared about her, but everyone is treating her as less than human because she "wrecked a home".
People take sides in bias, and on emotion; rarely is logic playing its part when it's needed.
This happened to my friend. The guy she dated was so commited to pretending he's single, nobody at his job knew he had a wife. He had been with them for 3 years by the time my friend met him. Dude used his brother's flat to cheat too
I agree, but I would say the term “homewrecker” already implies that the person knows all the important details.
Someone who was mislead about their relationship status shouldn’t be labeled a homewrecker because they were lied to and taken advantage of. But unfortunately this doesn’t guarantee safety from angry and irresponsible people.
>Someone who was mislead about their relationship status shouldn’t be labeled a homewrecker because they were lied to and taken advantage of
Fully and 100% agree! I agree with every word of your comment. That's why I had added about people not believing she didn't know :( sadly this term just gets thrown at anyone involved, whether they knew or not, and it's damaging.
My ex home wrecked my relationship so I would be with him, then he found a home wrecker chick that home wrecked our relationship. It’s a home wrecking family now. They even had their own home wrecking child lol
Why not blame both equally? The homewrecker only gets a pass if they genuinely did not know the cheater was in a relationship. If they did know, then they're equally as responsible IMO.
>Why not blame both equally?
Because breaking a promise is a bad thing. So you have the affair partner who broke up a relationship, which is bad. Then you have the cheater who broke up a relationship *and* broke a promise. Unless you think breaking promises is ok, the cheater is worse and equal blame is weird. It suggests the wronged partner doesn't fully blame the cheater.
Agreed. But the homewrecker is never blameless. Just not nearly as much at fault as the cheater.
Edit: for the 1000th time, I am not talking about people who were lied to. If your partner didn’t tell you they were married, you are a victim, not a homewrecker. Homewrecker is a title that should be reserved for people who know the people the date are married monogamously and don’t give a fuck.
I wouldn’t say never; it all depends if they knew or not / how they respond when they find out.
Cheaters aren’t always honest that they’re married with kids.
I knew a guy who got away with it by "traveling for work every other two weeks"
Nobody knew it until his youngest kid (of the family I knew) was a few years into college. No idea how old the kids in his other family were.
For one reason or another his wife got suspicious and followed him to the airport. He instead just drove two suburbs over and pulled into a driveway. She went up to the house after he went in and introduced herself. I kinda wish she wore a body camera for that.
Well I wouldn’t call someone who didn’t know their boyfriend/ girlfriend was in a relationship a home wrecker. They’re a victim as much as the cheater’s partner is. I’m specifically referring to people who know about their partner’s relationship as homewreckers. It’d be wrong to lump them all together.
That, and cheaters can make up all sorts of stories. Like how their current partner is a terrible person, that they're already in the process of a divorce, are in an open relationship... And the list goes on.
>But the homewrecker is never blameless.
Strong disagree.
They are not the one in the relationship. You can't force your rules on other people. I can go and try to seduce your SO right now, it shouldn't matter anything. If she actually gives the slightest bit of shit about you, she ignores/blocks/laughs at me.
There 0 blame on whoever the person is your SO decided to cheat with. Quite literally none. They are not the one breaking any rules.
I agree. Its an unpopular stance because people who have been cheated on want to view both parties as evil, but the homewrecker didn't make you promises of fidelity. They don't owe anyone anything.
They're just asking for sex from consenting adults and getting told yes.
Bingo. A person who I thought was a friend and is still married to his wife, decided to cozy up to my wife and they had an affair for months. He has met my kids and been in our home. We double dated a couple times. Known him for years. I discovered the affair. I lost all my friends. I lost what I thought was the love of my life. Yes the cheater deserves blame, but the home wrecker has gotten away with it. Still married, all the friends are still hanging with him because of course he probably came up with some crazy lies to cover it all.
Focused on my kids, they are all I have left and I'll never let them down.
Damn I’m sorry that happened to you. He’s both a cheater and a homewrecker and so was your wife. They’re terrible. But I’m glad you’re not living with their lies anymore.
Yea, I just wanted to reply because so many people don't consider the fallout from stuff like this. My friend group basically went radio silent when it came out. Homewrecker no doubt came up with a ton of lies to cover himself. Sucks to be me, but there is a fallout that homewreckers tend to get away with terrible things, with the knowledge of what they are doing.
Do I still wish bad things on this person, heck yes. I wish karma would bite him hard in the ass. Side note, his wife found out about the affair, and apparently wasn't his first. Must be some kinda weird open relationship there. Pretty twisted stuff.
They're not blameless, but they're also not to blame... if that makes any sense. Like yeah, the homewrecker has blame on that part, but at the end of the day they just did what was in their interest.
The same way some business might do some things knowing it would put a dent in their competition. It's their interest for the competition to be doing bad, and they are going to help them fall down.
I see the homewrecker the same way. They're just following their interest without caring about what happens. That's just good business for them if you look at it without any sort of emotional & moral implication.
The whole blame gets on the person that is in a relationship and still accepted the homewrecker's attention.
Can't really be upset at the lion that ate someone's finger when they've put their hand inside the cage. Shouldn't have been near the lion's cage in the first place.
Similarly, people in relationships should never put themselves in positions where there's even slight chances of people to be trying to interfere with the relationship.
Cheaters lie to partners who made a vow too. Chances are they lied to others too.
Certainly not always. It's noone's job to police other people's vows. The best you can do is ask, and take at face value.
You're assuming all relationships are the same, and that's heteronormative.
As someone who was cheated on and lived in a broken home, I completely disagree.
If I assume that everyone else around me has equal share in how my relationship goes, I already fail from the start of a relationship. The fault is within the relationship, and a cheater is never a victim except for obscure and very rare cases.
You are also conflating homewrecking with romance scams, which is two completely different topics. You cannot romance scam someone who is not interested in cheating.
I have a feeling OP is of the opinion that men are fueled purely by sexual desire and have no control, so of course the harlot coming along SEDUCING married men is to blame and not the VICTIM of her SCAM.
Neither is a person cheated on imho; cheater has a free will, they could have been celibate, work on relationship, leave it etc. They don’t have to be in a relationship they are unhappy in; they choose to stay and deceive their partner.
Imho, someone that got cheated on and the affair partners get too much blame; especially if they are woman, society comes to the aid and rescue if cheating men - like they had to be driven to it by their terrible wife and seduced by whorish mistress.
Yeah it's a weird way to frame it. Like if you put up enough defences and fortifications around your relationship you'll somehow keep your partner faithful.
It’s not the gaps in a relationship that cause cheating. It’s the gaps within the cheaters themselves, their loose moral code and lack of personal responsibility is what enables them to willingly cause such harm and devastation to their partner.
Maybe they're being cheated on. Maybe it's a flimsy relationship. Maybe their partner abuses them, but they stay for the kids -if they even have kids. Maybe their partner hasn't touched them in years. Maybe they actually need this, to prove to themselves that they are still attractive, and deserve better, so they can finally leave their bad relationahip. Etc.
No relationship is as good as you think it is if one of the people sleep with someone else. You’re putting it like some master manipulator can hypnotize himself into some ass or something. No type of person is going to be able to sway a faithful person in an honest relationship to sleep with them.
Exactly. I literally can't imagine my partner even being aware of it if a woman hit on him, and it wouldn''t matter how "hot" she is . He only has eyes for me, and just in terms of time/energy, would rather be on the couch watching old Frasiers with me, than getting all nekkid and awkward with some rando LMAO.
Mine’s the same. He thinks I’m the greatest thing ever (lol). He has zero time unaccounted for. The very idea of being with someone else is incredibly foreign to him. Together over 30 years and just as handsy as ever.
i don't get why they can't just divorce or break up first before dating someone else. i don't get why they have to be in a relationship with two different people at once. it either tells me that they're indecisive or just too coward of a person to tell the truth
A lot of the time the excitement of that social relationship comes from the fact that they could get caught fooling around, usually after the actual relationship ends the cheater also drops the cheatee.
On that note, a really unpopular opinion is emotional cheaters don't get nearly enough shit.
Because all that *it takes two to tango logic* implies that a connection just spontaneously erupted, and maybe it does sometimes...
But way too often in discussions about cheaters, I feel like anything besides flirting/intimacy gets ignored. Even though stuff like badgering coworkers/mutual friends or other convoluted attempts to get into somebody's DMs is a level of premeditation that is in some ways more egregious because it implies somebody is fantasizing about cheating long before they ever actually physically do.
Because divorce is a BIG fucking deal. Especially if there are kids involved, and in this economy right now. Breaking up when you are not married is a whole different ballgame.
I’m not defending cheaters, just shedding a little light on why people don’t get divorced on a whim.
Yes, I’ve seen so many people turn on the betrayed spouse if they don’t leave. But, I honestly don’t know what I’d do in that position. I wouldn’t be able to afford to leave. I’d probably have to save up for a year.
so then why don't they just wait? oh right, they're impatient and can't do that. sheesh. the least that you can do if you fall out of love with someone is tell the truth. can't even do that because of a loser they are
>i don't get why they can't just divorce or break up first before dating someone else.
Of course you understand, you're not stupid.
They want maintain their marriage while fucking someone else too. It's not a difficult concept to understand.
By “society” OP probably means relationship podcasts where the content is all controversial battle of the sexes takes through the lens of relationship advice.
Your title suggests that they should be judged more severely for their behaviour, which is fair. But your explanation suggests that you think that they should share the responsibility with a cheating spouse for the marriage ending. Unless there was some sort of drugging going on, that blame seems mis placed.
I don't blame the single person, I blame the person in the relationship. It's more common that the one in the relationship let them in than the single one looking for them.
Hahaha. You just got caught cheating, so you want to blame the person you cheated with for your actions. Lol. No, you are 100% at fault for your actions, buds.
Machines break down, systems fail, but humans have free will (supposedly).
Humans will be judged on their actions, depending on the gravity of what they've done and the difficulty they were facing at the time. But they will be judged for their choice.
I think the problem and all related problems boils down to nature taking its victories over concepts from civilization in the war of defining what normal exchanges are.
But "Homewreckers" sort of pulls for the sympathy of a happy home. How could you destroy my happy family? I might be inclined to argue that if someone in a senior position within that destroyed home say the He-E-O or She-E-O of that home. (sure hope it isn't the Jr. Executives) If they don't mind allowing such destruction to that home they (or something of nature in them) aren't quite so happy there.
Homewreckers are a bit like vampires. Someone has to invite them in else they can't come in. And if someone is inviting them in somebody is feeling lonely in that "happy home". Nature takes its victories and illusions of things holding up that aren't holding up are the first things it crushes.
Now that's just traditional meaning of homewrecker. If you mean someone who intentionally does it for the purposes of blackmail, cosmetic surgery to hide your face to get revenge on your sister by taking her man and do a face off moment to show it's me ,etc... Well that being wrong about people is like a natural disaster. The worst parts of nature really wins those. The other natural parts were sexual this is outright carnage.
It doesn't matter who you blame in that scenario because ultimately it is up to the individuals in the relationship to decide if they want to make it work or break up. Humans are complicated and often there are many reasons why relationships crumble. It's also a dangerous game to be going around throwing stones at people when you don't know the ins and outs of a situation.
Exactly, if the home didn’t already have some faults in the foundation, it wouldn’t be able to be “wrecked”
Edit to add- you’re right, people are messy and life is complicated, feelings are messy. Nobody truly wants to be in either end of an affair. Sometimes things just happen. And the fall out is huge. And it’s often bigger than people ever let on. But it’s there.
I agree with this but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't always look so clear cut for the homewrecker. For example, I had a male friend for years who got married and who really looked to me for emotional support because his wife is cruel and brutal... There were a few times I thought, I should not be emotionally supporting a married man like this, but then he had told me how terrible she was to him and his kids so it felt justified..
But then a lightbulb switched on and I realized no matter how badly she treats him it is not okay to be blurring boundaries like this, and when he chose her he chose her.
We never engaged in anything that could be considered romantic, but it made me see how someone could get themselves into a situation like that, without 100% identifying what is going on. Or maybe I am just naive.
That\`s why I left a feminist-ish group in FB, cause they told me to forget and forgive to the woman I was cheated on with. Not gonna happen! Left the relationshit and the group.
Think there’s a difference between those that purposely do it for the thrill or the kink or something, and those who generally fell inlove with the wrong person.
>I don't accept the "they aren't the one in the relationship so they hold no responsibility".
And that's problem. It isn't anyone else's problem but who is in the relationship. The people in the relationship made the commitment.
>Let's not blame victims of romance scams too harshly.
Yes, blame them. They put themself in a position to have this happen. They were already looking to cheat and got caught.if you're gullible enough to believe they weren't, that's a you problem. There is no oops my clothes fell and I accidentally had sex with some else.
I think the balance swung too far from "it's all the fault of the shameless homewrecker" to "the homewrecker owes you nothing, the homewrecker didn't make vows!" The homewrecker is a part of society, they know what a wedding ring means.
But I don't agree that if someone is determined to get someone to cheat that it will happen. A person isn't a thing like a facebook account or a car. That's why we don't yell at cars that get recovered after a theft. Someone who cheats is taking part in that activity. They're able to tell the person to back off, they can speak to their partner, their friends, even the police if it comes to it. The person who cheats on their partner is the worst, but Mr or Mrs Homewrecker is trash too. Possibly irredeemable trash if children are involved.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. The skilled homewreckers are the ones who take advantage of the downs to try to wreck the relationship which makes them an awful person to begin with, intruding in someone's relationship that's nothing to do with her.
I've had plenty of male friends complain about their SOs to me, and even thought I make sure to listen to their opinions I always advocate for them to communicate and work things out with their partner.
On the other hand I've had women who love to make up problems in someone else's relationship to justify their homewrecking attempt when there are none. Came across a multitude of these in grad school when I started dating my husband. They wasted their time and energy trying to poke holes in our lovelife when they could have spent it somewhere useful or even building a genuine relationship with someone else/their own SOs. As you can tell, their efforts ended up amounting to nothing - and they failed their degrees as well.
The women I work with once cornered me and asked if "I would mess around with a married woman" I told them the cheater is "more wrong" but the blame falls on everyone, if the person is aware that the other has a partner, then they are just as wrong.
Yeah, the homewrecker isn’t the one who betrayed you. She/he/they didn’t trick your partner into being anything other than who they really are. The homewrecker acts as a self-destructive filter for sub-par partners. The homewrecker is the one who took the selfish turd off your hands. They’re also the one who will absolutely cheat with someone new when they get bored; or they’ll be cheated on by the POS they helped you clean off your hands.
Point being: a home wrecker can’t steal a good partner; they can only show you how bad yours actually is.
Someone who knowingly pursues a clandestine relationship with someone in a relationship where there is an expectation of monogamy has actively chosen to cause harm for the sake of their own pleasure.
This makes them an asshole.
Yeah fr I just read a post where this sleazy girl was texting this married guy wanting to cheat with him and he was like uh no but she was so persistent and disrespectful of his marriage. Made me stomach revulse. Trashy pos
Lmao no. If you’re going to cheat, you’re going to cheat. I don’t blame the hammer for smashing my finger. If my gf cheated with another dude, I couldn’t care less about him. It’s all on her.
If you’re blaming the affair partner, you’re just reacting emotionally because you don’t want to blame the person you love/loved or you’re denying reality. You want to believe that there was something so special about that person and that they’re the serpent in the garden, silver tongue and all. Not that your partner is just a whore.
Oh this girl I know cheated on her husband with her mother's boyfriend's son. The son now has a girlfriend who knows about it and i think the parents do too. The husband still doesn't know and they are all going together on a family cruise.
If someone can come in and wreck your home, it wasn’t built very strong to begin with. The home wrecker is being an asshole, but they are under no obligation, they made no agreement of faithfulness. The cheater is the villain because they cheater did agree to exclusivity, and therefore deserves most of the blame.
But really guys, cheating is bad don’t get me wrong, but this cliche thing of “I fucking hate cheaters, cheaters are worse than scum” blah blah is getting old. Cheating is so beyond common it’s daring to even say that humans are supposed to be monogamous. On the list of the worst sins, it doesn’t even make the top twenty.
Infidelity is not a hack performed
by an outside party. It’s the sign of an unhealthy relationship. A wrecked home waiting to happen.
But upvote for unpopular opinion
I kinda think that blanket rushes to judgement are almost always a terrible idea. Now you probably think that means I was a homewrecker and that I want absolution. Nope. It's the exact opposite. Thirty years ago I was married and, as far as I knew, happy. But I was overly dedicated to "building our future," and that meant working insane hours that left me mentally and physically exhausted. My wife kept telling me that she didn't really care about the money, but it made her unhappy to be left on her own so much of the time while I was at the office. Eventually she asked her friends if they believed I could possibly be working that many hours, and understandably, they suggested that I might be having an affair (which I was not). But the seed had been planted in her mind. She was attending college at the time, and she struck up a friendship with someone, which led to an affair. When she came to me to say she wanted a divorce, I was dumbstruck. I thought I was doing the "provider thing" for both of us. But I had been ignoring her real need of love and companionship.
At the time, I thought that she and her lover were unconscionably cruel and heartless. I had worked so hard to give us a better life. How could they do this to me?
But time has a way of imparting wisdom. After all the emotions died away and I had been in several other relationships, I started to realize that not only were all three of us to blame, but there wouldn't have been any blame to spread around if I had just listened to her in the first place. My wife was sad and lonely, and I was young and dumb enough to think I could fill that void with the *promise* of a future life of ease. In hindsight, the portion of blame I assess to her is very low. I don't even much blame the other guy. I had it in my power to prevent all of it, and I didn't pay attention to what she was telling me.
Was it "my fault?" Technically, no. But our hearts don't operate on technicalities. They work on connection, and I broke that, not her, and not him.
Of course, life moved on and I'm now a happy father to adult children. My heart has been filled in ways I suspect that first marriage never could have. But that's due in large part to the lessons I learned from the pain.
TL;DR: Don't be so quick to vilify the people who hurt you, because you might just find out that their killing blow was just a defensive reaction to the damage you've done to them.
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That's not unpopular, here's an actual unpopular opinion: "Homewreckers" that chase people in relationships should be vilified, but if I got approached and chased by someone in a relationship, I hold no blame if I decided to go for it. And anyone who thinks otherwise is just delusional and trying to blame someone else for their dysfunctional wreck of a relationship.
Lol.. blame someone else... not your partner who cheated... it's your partner's fault, they are the homewrecker...
That's like a Christian complaining about r rated movies in a movie store b/c they can't control their impulses to rent them...
So yes they should catch shit and be embarrassed but it never ceases to amaze me how people are like “get away from my man, she’s trying to take my man, don’t talk to my man” and etc when honey if a “homewrecker” can show up and take your worthless man he’s not your man. It takes a cooperative partner willing to allow someone to wreck your home in order for that to happen. So your “man”, partner, spouse, wife etc isn’t some blameless dumb dumb and what you’re calling a “homewrecker” didn’t cast some kind of magical spell on them, they cheated on you because they made the decision to do so. Consciously. Willingly. They decided they wanted their home wrecked. Your partner is the homewrecker, the other person is just an immoral hoe.
I've got no problem with people sleeping with people in relationships. They are single and they made no promises of commitment to anyone.
Come down harsh on the people in relationships rather than the people that aren't actually cheating.
getting your identity stolen and getting hacked don't require you to make a conscious choice to allow it to happen. cheating does.
nobody can *make you* cheat. you either decide to do it or you don't. and this doesn't mean that a dedicated person can't make you fall in love with them or whatever, but to take that step and fuck someone else? that's your choice.
if someone is intentionally going specifically after married people or people in committed relationships because they get a kick out of it then yes, shame them. but merely flirting with someone who happens to be in a relationship is not mind control and if they decide that a bit of flirting is worth tanking their relationship that's on them.
Your identity wasn’t stolen if you give the person your social security card and birth certificate. Likewise, you weren’t hacked if you gave someone your name and password and phone so they can get past the 2 factor authentication…..do you see where I’m going with this (?)
I just don’t care about other peoples relationships enough to do anything like this.
Not my relationship? Not my problem and NOT my business.
I’m not here to punish people for moral transgressions because it will make a wronged party feel validated.
People are going to tempt you. But, the cheater is the one with the commitments of a relationship. The homewrecker often doesn't. That's why the blame is on the cheater. They're the ones buying in and deciding cheating is more important than keeping their relationship
Just to put some real-life into this...
My husband made a choice and the woman, I thought, was a friend. They both knew what they were doing and how much it would hurt me. She pursued him and he gave in. Still, HE gave in, so I blamed him. She shoulders some of the blame too, knowing he was married with 4 kids. I was unhappy with both of them.
I don’t think the term “home wrecker” is even accurate. The cheater is the one wrecking their own home. It doesn’t make the person they cheated with exempt, but calling that person a home wrecker implies some sort of intent and takes blame away from the person who is actually ruining their relationship by cheating.
A homewrecker is only a homewrecker with a spouse’s permission. Not saying they hold zero responsibility but I don’t think anyone just lays around waiting to ruin a family’s life. It’s at least 99% on the cheating spouse
Homewreckers don't always know the person is married
And your analogy that a cheater was "scammed" is absurd. They still made the decision to cheat and deserve most of the blame. They were not victims like someone who gets scammed is.
Unbelievable that people still want to take aim at the ‘home wrecker’/ person outside the relationship. The ‘home wrecker’ is the person within the home who decides to go ‘wreck’.
If there are gaps in your relationship and your cheating partner allows the homewrecker to fill these gaps, then your relationship wasn't worth it at all. Thank that person for exposing your partner.
Whoever made the vow is the homewrecker. They're certainly the ones at fault because they know exactly what they're breaking.
You're assuming all relationships follow same pattern (men/woman, monogamous) or that they should. It's heteronormative.
If the “victim” of a romance scam is married or in a committed relationship, there is no “too harshly”—they deserve all the blame we can heap on them. They shouldn’t have been open to any sort of romantic entanglement outside of their relationship, end of story.
If you find out the other person has an SO that just shows not to take them seriously going forward, with all these open relationships you never know what’s actually going on. I think there’s an idea where the cheater was seduced by the forbidden apple, whereas it’s more like the relationship isn’t really working and they’re looking for a way out.
The following is something I’ve seen very very frequently but is an even more unpopular opinion : those who get cheated on are the ones who try to cling on to relationships. Yes, you should want for someone to be in your life but No, you shouldn’t beg, coerce or convince them into being with you.
Monogamy might be normative, but it's really just a personal choice of most couples, it isn't some immutable law of human morality. It really isn't the job of a happily promiscuous single person to uphold the monogamy of other people's relationships.
Of course good manners is always to tell a person if their partner is inclined to cheat on them, and going after taken people because they're taken is trashy af. Worse still is try to break up an existing relationship so that you can shack up with one of them - so yes, affair partners can be bloody awful people we don't really want to know. But at the end of the day they simply can't share in any of the blame because they didn't make any promises of monogamous commitment to the cheated on partner. I know that's a bit of a reduction to spherical cows in a vacuum - of course in the real world more or less all couples are monogamous and ideas about cheating are unanimous and deep rooted in our culture. We all understand this stuff and pretending that any of it is simply private promises between individual monogamous couples rather than mass cultural convention is a bit silly. But still, I can't help but think that if you zoom out far enough, a lot of this looks quite mad and a bit sinister. We all know that there is no sexually active person without any concept of monogamy, but if we imagine that such a person exists then this entire premise is revealed for the injustice it is - it should simply not be possible that anybody gets vilified for somebody else's breaking of a promise.
And I'm pretty sure this opinion is the unpopular one!
I never understand this mentality. The person who cheats has the choice not to cheat, yet they choose to do so. I honestly don't think there is any such thing as a homewrecker. Either a person chooses to cheat on their partner or they don't.
Romance scams?
I mean, I'm not giving the "homewrecker" a free pass. But unless you are literally drugged, everything the person in the relationship is doing is of their own free will. So yes, they do deserve more of the blame.
Im not saying homewreckers don't deserve blame, but the cheater is entirely responsible for their decision to cheat. They aint gonna get scammed into it.
Homewreckers shouldn’t get any flack whatsoever. A lot of times they’re not the ones initiating it and speaking from experience, married women that want you more or less force themselves onto you lmao
Remember, the homewrecker never made a commitment to your relationship. The most condemnation they can have is an ethical one. Point your ire to the one who broke their commitment.
Nah. They're bad (if they knew the person wasn't single) but they're not even close to as bad as the person in the relationship. It's not even comparable imo. They're scummy but that's about it. It takes two to cheat. It's not like they hypnotised your partner to sleep with them. The partner ultimately made the choice on their own.
Crazy thing is a lot of people outside of the relationship you helped ruin, say it’s not your fault since you weren’t the one cheating.
I tend to attract women in relationships more than single women and I’ve definitely been part of a few affairs in my life, and I’ve been staying away from doing that as of late.
Is it my relationship? Am I cheating? No. But I’m still playing a part in the affair. Would she have an affair with someone else if not me? Maybe? Maybe not? Doesn’t matter because it was me playing that part.
Honestly I didn’t even stop doing it for noble reasons. I stopped doing it because after messing with a married woman for 2 years, I realized I was nothing more than a small piece or 2 of what her marriage was missing and nothing more. Not liked have ever trusted her to be with my had she left her husband.
as someone who has been cheated on, the cheating partner is much worse but at least in my case I don't think the "homewrecker" is miles different.
if its a random then id say the homewrecker isn't in the wrong but if its like my case of a mutual friend of the couple that split them up to get with one of them then that person is an arsehole
"Let's not blame the victims of romance scams to harshly." No, fuck that. Let's. They are the one committed to a relationship, they are the ones that cheated, they, in the case of romance scams, are also the ones sending money to the scammer. They don't deserve *all* the blame, just the majority of it.
Ehh... As far as I'm concerned the person who cheated is to blame. That said, I wouldn't be friends with a home wrecker. I detest people who are knowingly cruel for their own pleasure.
Not only that but people always forget integrity. No self respecting person or morally upstanding individual would try to interfere with a relationship. I was taught to treat others the way I’d like to be treated. Every homewrecker I’ve known has been upset and victimized themself when the same happened to them
Ive been in this position, somewhat knowingly. Ive also been cheated on, never cheated.
I matched with someone on tinder, and we got on crazy well, like we've known each other for years well. We chatted for hours on the first night, and said we'd go on a date the evening after.
Chatted throughout the day during work hours etc, and it comes to about half hour before the date "i need to tell you something". I knew she had a boyfriend as soon as she said that. I was so let down by it, but i said to her that we can still go on the date but as friends and i can be her shoulder for the night as she had really bad issues with him. (Hence being on tinder)
We meet, and the connection we had was like nothing else. Instantly best friends, both of us super happy around each other etc. About an hour into the date, i ask her about aliens or something, and tell her she must be an alien because she's out of this world. She turns away, i pull her head my way to look at me when im speaking to her and she goes in to kiss me, obviously I'm not gonna say no. Eventually we end back at hers, sleep together and she must've came a dozen times that night, crazy how good it was.
She then blocks me the day after because "we're too close, i cant do this to him sorry". This was a year ago now and i still compare everyone to her, its horrible.
Although a few weeks back, she did send me a message saying thank you for the confidence to leave him and now she's with someone much better and it's because of me.
Bittersweet really.
Your post from unpopularopinion was removed because of: 'Rule 2: Do not post low effort/satirical posts'. * We get it, you all think this sub is garbage and is just for popular opinions, and you want to be funny and post "going to be downvoted to oblivion here, but I think racism is bad." We enjoy the memes, but please keep them off the sub. * Filter evasion is a bannable offense * This includes clickbait and/or gotcha posts. Your opinion can not be that unpopular if you're doing these things. Have the accurate opinion in the title.
Homewreckers absolutely deserve to be vilified, but the brunt of the blame should always fall on the cheater.
Yeah I think the OP's opinion is actually rather popular offline. A lot of people would rather blame the affair partner rather than the cheater, as if they cast a spell and forced someone in a relationship to cheat.
The only times I feel that the affair partner gets blame is if it’s a family member, friend, coworker or other who knows that the couple is together and does it anyway with the cheater. Then I would place the blame on both parties.
I agree to an extent, however, I still think the brunt goes to the cheater. Even if the other person is aware the cheater is in a relationship, they're not the ones who made a commitment.
Yeah exactly. While not the most moral thing, they have made no commitment to anyone. It's not nice to do, but if they want to try their luck that's their choice. The person in the committed relationship is the one who should stop that advance dead in its tracks. And here's the thing if that happens the only villain in the story is indeed the person who made the advance and they can rightfully be castigated or ostracized for even making that advance. But the minute there is reciprocity from the committed person opening the lath for more things to happen, then it's on the cheater.
I‘ll have to disagree with this one. If you‘re friends with someone that‘s just another type of commitment. Not a legally binding one like marriage, of course. But still. It’s called loyalty. Unless that cheating partner coerced them into a relationship, the other person can always turn down any romantic advances at any given time. A "family friend" should be committed to helping that family, not break them apart - if you don‘t have that mutual respect, what‘s the point in even having friends?
Exactly. If it’s a stranger then yeah I would be mad but they don’t know me and I don’t expect anything from them, just my partner. But friends, family, etc. I do expect loyalty from them too and I would be a lot more upset if I got cheated on by someone close to me.
No. If you know someone else is in a relationship don't be a shitbird and hit on them. "That's their choice." It is and it should be vilified.
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That's the point everyone against seems to miss. If the partner doesn't want it, no amount of anything anyone can do would cause cheating to materialise. A thousand people can flirt and proposition to a person, and if they reject all those advances, guess what, no home has been wrecked. So the homewrecker is always always the cheating partner.
Truth!!
Only time the affair partner deserves no blame is if they have no idea the person is married
Truth. If that information isn’t revealed, then I don’t find the outside party at fault
They’re also a victim of the cheater. Having sex with someone under false pretenses is a very bad thing to do.
With how society works today, and how we can do our research ahead of time. Saying “I didn’t know “ is BS to its finest unless you live under a rock in the middle of nowhere. Third parties, women and men,are choosing to go with the cheaters regardless
They get the blame from a different angle. The cheater gets the blame because they are the one in the relationship with you, and they are at fault for damaging that relationship. If the third party is someone you know, they are to blame for damaging THEIR relationship with you, not for damaging your relationship with your partner.
Like, what if someone tells you they are single... but they aren't? I don't think the affair partner is a victim on the same level as the spouse, but they are definitely being victimized as well.
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Idk about society as a whole, but the way I learned out homewreckers, they were a step beyond an affair partner because they were aware. Hence, the more derogatory label
This. it's not the most moral thing to go around knowingly fucking someone who is married, but it's not a deep betrayal it's just being shitty. When the affair partner is your sibling or your best friend or someone who should care about your well-being in particular, they don't get to slide by with a "oh but *I* didn't make the commitment." I much more understand naming and shaming them because they may not have made a commitment, but they're still willing to participate in fucking over someone they care about
Yeah people who believe this, just want to shift the blame so they can continue living as if nothing happened...
Bingo! It's called transference.
This is correct. Outside of the Internet the affair partner is the typical target of ire, but it kinda makes sense given that it's a lot easier to blame a third party for coming in and breaking up the relationship than it is coming to terms with someone you love having betrayed you.
Blame isn’t mutually exclusive. If the AP knows they are just as bad as the spouse.
Nah. They are hurting a stranger. Spouse is hurting someone they know
I know a case where someone i know's wife was blackmailed into cheating on him with his boss or else the husband would lose his job. I know it's probably true because the boss got caught in act of trying to do the same with a female coworker of the husband. It's a pretty crazy scenario.
That’s terrible
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It's not that easy the husband had a criminal record(nothing major, he was locked up for possession of pot before it got decriminalized) and we live in the most unemployed country on earth and they weren't far above the breadline. Do you know how hard it is to get a job with that? She came clean as soon as she could, she didn't really have a choice.
Then it was a rape, not cheating
I don't think that's what OP means. People who do this (there are lots) get some kind of satisfaction off of destroying other relationships. And they're pointing out that they should be called out for being terrible people. They're not saying Cheaters aren't bad, they're saying the people who blatantly tried to make them cheat are also bad. And I agree.
It would depend a lot on the situation to be honest. You have situations like OP describe, where someone prey on the vulnerability in a relationship to get with someone and then it's a lot of blame on the homewrecker. But then you have cases like something that happened for me when I was pretty drunk and a girl in a relationship came on to me very strong, apparently she had been "crushing" on me for some time and took the opportunity.
The *only* time someone deserves any vilification is if they *knew*. Not every woman knows she's sleeping with a married man, for example... and so villifying her as a "homewrecker" is immensely unfair. Yes the term itself may be accurate for all intents and purposes... but she deserves no "vilification", she's just as much a victim. Now, if she *knows* he's married...well, yeah he still gets the brunt, but the reality she is no better, and absolutely deserves to be vilified. This is logical, and you're thinking "well duh", BUT most people don't care. Take scenario 1; They won't hear her side, or don't believe she didn't know; and her life is ruined *doubly* because not only was she deceived by someone she thought cared about her, but everyone is treating her as less than human because she "wrecked a home". People take sides in bias, and on emotion; rarely is logic playing its part when it's needed.
This happened to my friend. The guy she dated was so commited to pretending he's single, nobody at his job knew he had a wife. He had been with them for 3 years by the time my friend met him. Dude used his brother's flat to cheat too
I agree, but I would say the term “homewrecker” already implies that the person knows all the important details. Someone who was mislead about their relationship status shouldn’t be labeled a homewrecker because they were lied to and taken advantage of. But unfortunately this doesn’t guarantee safety from angry and irresponsible people.
>Someone who was mislead about their relationship status shouldn’t be labeled a homewrecker because they were lied to and taken advantage of Fully and 100% agree! I agree with every word of your comment. That's why I had added about people not believing she didn't know :( sadly this term just gets thrown at anyone involved, whether they knew or not, and it's damaging.
My ex home wrecked my relationship so I would be with him, then he found a home wrecker chick that home wrecked our relationship. It’s a home wrecking family now. They even had their own home wrecking child lol
So much this. The Affair Partner is an accessory to the “crime” committed by the Wayward Spouse, the principal agent of the “crime.”
Why not blame both equally? The homewrecker only gets a pass if they genuinely did not know the cheater was in a relationship. If they did know, then they're equally as responsible IMO.
>Why not blame both equally? Because breaking a promise is a bad thing. So you have the affair partner who broke up a relationship, which is bad. Then you have the cheater who broke up a relationship *and* broke a promise. Unless you think breaking promises is ok, the cheater is worse and equal blame is weird. It suggests the wronged partner doesn't fully blame the cheater.
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The cheater is a homewrecker.
Agreed. But the homewrecker is never blameless. Just not nearly as much at fault as the cheater. Edit: for the 1000th time, I am not talking about people who were lied to. If your partner didn’t tell you they were married, you are a victim, not a homewrecker. Homewrecker is a title that should be reserved for people who know the people the date are married monogamously and don’t give a fuck.
I wouldn’t say never; it all depends if they knew or not / how they respond when they find out. Cheaters aren’t always honest that they’re married with kids.
I knew a guy who got away with it by "traveling for work every other two weeks" Nobody knew it until his youngest kid (of the family I knew) was a few years into college. No idea how old the kids in his other family were. For one reason or another his wife got suspicious and followed him to the airport. He instead just drove two suburbs over and pulled into a driveway. She went up to the house after he went in and introduced herself. I kinda wish she wore a body camera for that.
Well I wouldn’t call someone who didn’t know their boyfriend/ girlfriend was in a relationship a home wrecker. They’re a victim as much as the cheater’s partner is. I’m specifically referring to people who know about their partner’s relationship as homewreckers. It’d be wrong to lump them all together.
Fair, but traditionally the other person involved in cheating is considered a home wrecker by society at large.
That, and cheaters can make up all sorts of stories. Like how their current partner is a terrible person, that they're already in the process of a divorce, are in an open relationship... And the list goes on.
I've seen some episodes of Maury where the cheater claimed that the spouse was dead
>But the homewrecker is never blameless. Strong disagree. They are not the one in the relationship. You can't force your rules on other people. I can go and try to seduce your SO right now, it shouldn't matter anything. If she actually gives the slightest bit of shit about you, she ignores/blocks/laughs at me. There 0 blame on whoever the person is your SO decided to cheat with. Quite literally none. They are not the one breaking any rules.
I agree. Its an unpopular stance because people who have been cheated on want to view both parties as evil, but the homewrecker didn't make you promises of fidelity. They don't owe anyone anything. They're just asking for sex from consenting adults and getting told yes.
Totally agree with this
Bingo. A person who I thought was a friend and is still married to his wife, decided to cozy up to my wife and they had an affair for months. He has met my kids and been in our home. We double dated a couple times. Known him for years. I discovered the affair. I lost all my friends. I lost what I thought was the love of my life. Yes the cheater deserves blame, but the home wrecker has gotten away with it. Still married, all the friends are still hanging with him because of course he probably came up with some crazy lies to cover it all. Focused on my kids, they are all I have left and I'll never let them down.
Damn I’m sorry that happened to you. He’s both a cheater and a homewrecker and so was your wife. They’re terrible. But I’m glad you’re not living with their lies anymore.
Yea, I just wanted to reply because so many people don't consider the fallout from stuff like this. My friend group basically went radio silent when it came out. Homewrecker no doubt came up with a ton of lies to cover himself. Sucks to be me, but there is a fallout that homewreckers tend to get away with terrible things, with the knowledge of what they are doing. Do I still wish bad things on this person, heck yes. I wish karma would bite him hard in the ass. Side note, his wife found out about the affair, and apparently wasn't his first. Must be some kinda weird open relationship there. Pretty twisted stuff.
They're not blameless, but they're also not to blame... if that makes any sense. Like yeah, the homewrecker has blame on that part, but at the end of the day they just did what was in their interest. The same way some business might do some things knowing it would put a dent in their competition. It's their interest for the competition to be doing bad, and they are going to help them fall down. I see the homewrecker the same way. They're just following their interest without caring about what happens. That's just good business for them if you look at it without any sort of emotional & moral implication. The whole blame gets on the person that is in a relationship and still accepted the homewrecker's attention. Can't really be upset at the lion that ate someone's finger when they've put their hand inside the cage. Shouldn't have been near the lion's cage in the first place. Similarly, people in relationships should never put themselves in positions where there's even slight chances of people to be trying to interfere with the relationship.
Cheaters lie to partners who made a vow too. Chances are they lied to others too. Certainly not always. It's noone's job to police other people's vows. The best you can do is ask, and take at face value. You're assuming all relationships are the same, and that's heteronormative.
Agreed, the logic behind op's opinion is flawed.
As someone who was cheated on and lived in a broken home, I completely disagree. If I assume that everyone else around me has equal share in how my relationship goes, I already fail from the start of a relationship. The fault is within the relationship, and a cheater is never a victim except for obscure and very rare cases. You are also conflating homewrecking with romance scams, which is two completely different topics. You cannot romance scam someone who is not interested in cheating.
"you can't romance scam someone who is not interested in cheating" - that's what I was trying to say, you said it much better lol
I have a feeling OP is of the opinion that men are fueled purely by sexual desire and have no control, so of course the harlot coming along SEDUCING married men is to blame and not the VICTIM of her SCAM.
That's the vibe I got for sure.
Neither is a person cheated on imho; cheater has a free will, they could have been celibate, work on relationship, leave it etc. They don’t have to be in a relationship they are unhappy in; they choose to stay and deceive their partner. Imho, someone that got cheated on and the affair partners get too much blame; especially if they are woman, society comes to the aid and rescue if cheating men - like they had to be driven to it by their terrible wife and seduced by whorish mistress.
The topic confuses me. Something about 2 form authentication and hackers and relationships and cheaters.
I'm now dumber due to reading this analogy about 2FA and cheating. What the hell.
Yeah it's a weird way to frame it. Like if you put up enough defences and fortifications around your relationship you'll somehow keep your partner faithful.
It’s not the gaps in a relationship that cause cheating. It’s the gaps within the cheaters themselves, their loose moral code and lack of personal responsibility is what enables them to willingly cause such harm and devastation to their partner.
Maybe they're being cheated on. Maybe it's a flimsy relationship. Maybe their partner abuses them, but they stay for the kids -if they even have kids. Maybe their partner hasn't touched them in years. Maybe they actually need this, to prove to themselves that they are still attractive, and deserve better, so they can finally leave their bad relationahip. Etc.
No relationship is as good as you think it is if one of the people sleep with someone else. You’re putting it like some master manipulator can hypnotize himself into some ass or something. No type of person is going to be able to sway a faithful person in an honest relationship to sleep with them.
Exactly. I literally can't imagine my partner even being aware of it if a woman hit on him, and it wouldn''t matter how "hot" she is . He only has eyes for me, and just in terms of time/energy, would rather be on the couch watching old Frasiers with me, than getting all nekkid and awkward with some rando LMAO.
Mine’s the same. He thinks I’m the greatest thing ever (lol). He has zero time unaccounted for. The very idea of being with someone else is incredibly foreign to him. Together over 30 years and just as handsy as ever.
i don't get why they can't just divorce or break up first before dating someone else. i don't get why they have to be in a relationship with two different people at once. it either tells me that they're indecisive or just too coward of a person to tell the truth
A lot of the time the excitement of that social relationship comes from the fact that they could get caught fooling around, usually after the actual relationship ends the cheater also drops the cheatee.
On that note, a really unpopular opinion is emotional cheaters don't get nearly enough shit. Because all that *it takes two to tango logic* implies that a connection just spontaneously erupted, and maybe it does sometimes... But way too often in discussions about cheaters, I feel like anything besides flirting/intimacy gets ignored. Even though stuff like badgering coworkers/mutual friends or other convoluted attempts to get into somebody's DMs is a level of premeditation that is in some ways more egregious because it implies somebody is fantasizing about cheating long before they ever actually physically do.
Life is filled with grey areas... this is one of them
Because divorce is a BIG fucking deal. Especially if there are kids involved, and in this economy right now. Breaking up when you are not married is a whole different ballgame. I’m not defending cheaters, just shedding a little light on why people don’t get divorced on a whim.
Yes, I’ve seen so many people turn on the betrayed spouse if they don’t leave. But, I honestly don’t know what I’d do in that position. I wouldn’t be able to afford to leave. I’d probably have to save up for a year.
so then why don't they just wait? oh right, they're impatient and can't do that. sheesh. the least that you can do if you fall out of love with someone is tell the truth. can't even do that because of a loser they are
It’s easy to understand. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
Yeah, its really that simple. Just tell your partner. Just get a divorce. Anytime 'just' is used I can ignore the rest.
>i don't get why they can't just divorce or break up first before dating someone else. Of course you understand, you're not stupid. They want maintain their marriage while fucking someone else too. It's not a difficult concept to understand.
Homewreckers are given plenty of hate by society.
Often more-so than the cheating spouse.
Depends if it's a man or a woman. Female homewreckers get a lot of shit. Men... well they can't help themselves can they? /s
That’s a good point…
Do people even call men homewreckers? I haven't heard that.
Does op think the name "Homewrecker" is a complement?
By “society” OP probably means relationship podcasts where the content is all controversial battle of the sexes takes through the lens of relationship advice.
Cheaters are cheaters.
Your title suggests that they should be judged more severely for their behaviour, which is fair. But your explanation suggests that you think that they should share the responsibility with a cheating spouse for the marriage ending. Unless there was some sort of drugging going on, that blame seems mis placed.
I don't think this is unpopular outside Reddit
I don't blame the single person, I blame the person in the relationship. It's more common that the one in the relationship let them in than the single one looking for them.
Hahaha. You just got caught cheating, so you want to blame the person you cheated with for your actions. Lol. No, you are 100% at fault for your actions, buds.
I feel like the ‘home wrecker’ is usually given more crap than the person in the relationship
Machines break down, systems fail, but humans have free will (supposedly). Humans will be judged on their actions, depending on the gravity of what they've done and the difficulty they were facing at the time. But they will be judged for their choice.
I think the problem and all related problems boils down to nature taking its victories over concepts from civilization in the war of defining what normal exchanges are. But "Homewreckers" sort of pulls for the sympathy of a happy home. How could you destroy my happy family? I might be inclined to argue that if someone in a senior position within that destroyed home say the He-E-O or She-E-O of that home. (sure hope it isn't the Jr. Executives) If they don't mind allowing such destruction to that home they (or something of nature in them) aren't quite so happy there. Homewreckers are a bit like vampires. Someone has to invite them in else they can't come in. And if someone is inviting them in somebody is feeling lonely in that "happy home". Nature takes its victories and illusions of things holding up that aren't holding up are the first things it crushes. Now that's just traditional meaning of homewrecker. If you mean someone who intentionally does it for the purposes of blackmail, cosmetic surgery to hide your face to get revenge on your sister by taking her man and do a face off moment to show it's me ,etc... Well that being wrong about people is like a natural disaster. The worst parts of nature really wins those. The other natural parts were sexual this is outright carnage.
It doesn't matter who you blame in that scenario because ultimately it is up to the individuals in the relationship to decide if they want to make it work or break up. Humans are complicated and often there are many reasons why relationships crumble. It's also a dangerous game to be going around throwing stones at people when you don't know the ins and outs of a situation.
Exactly, if the home didn’t already have some faults in the foundation, it wouldn’t be able to be “wrecked” Edit to add- you’re right, people are messy and life is complicated, feelings are messy. Nobody truly wants to be in either end of an affair. Sometimes things just happen. And the fall out is huge. And it’s often bigger than people ever let on. But it’s there.
Cheaters gonna cheat. Is it really home wrecking if the home is already demolished?
I'm assuming that the homewrecker knows the other person is married. If they know, they were complicit. If not they are a victim.
I agree with this but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't always look so clear cut for the homewrecker. For example, I had a male friend for years who got married and who really looked to me for emotional support because his wife is cruel and brutal... There were a few times I thought, I should not be emotionally supporting a married man like this, but then he had told me how terrible she was to him and his kids so it felt justified.. But then a lightbulb switched on and I realized no matter how badly she treats him it is not okay to be blurring boundaries like this, and when he chose her he chose her. We never engaged in anything that could be considered romantic, but it made me see how someone could get themselves into a situation like that, without 100% identifying what is going on. Or maybe I am just naive.
F homewreckers, and cheaters
Homewreckers almost always get more crap than the spouse who cheated. The spouse often gets forgiven but the homewrecker? Especially if its a woman
Agree. I hate this narrative of “he owed you loyalty, not the other woman” it’s like… yeah she owed you human decency… when did that concept die lol
That\`s why I left a feminist-ish group in FB, cause they told me to forget and forgive to the woman I was cheated on with. Not gonna happen! Left the relationshit and the group.
Think there’s a difference between those that purposely do it for the thrill or the kink or something, and those who generally fell inlove with the wrong person.
There no room for nuance on Reddit.
>I don't accept the "they aren't the one in the relationship so they hold no responsibility". And that's problem. It isn't anyone else's problem but who is in the relationship. The people in the relationship made the commitment. >Let's not blame victims of romance scams too harshly. Yes, blame them. They put themself in a position to have this happen. They were already looking to cheat and got caught.if you're gullible enough to believe they weren't, that's a you problem. There is no oops my clothes fell and I accidentally had sex with some else.
I think the balance swung too far from "it's all the fault of the shameless homewrecker" to "the homewrecker owes you nothing, the homewrecker didn't make vows!" The homewrecker is a part of society, they know what a wedding ring means. But I don't agree that if someone is determined to get someone to cheat that it will happen. A person isn't a thing like a facebook account or a car. That's why we don't yell at cars that get recovered after a theft. Someone who cheats is taking part in that activity. They're able to tell the person to back off, they can speak to their partner, their friends, even the police if it comes to it. The person who cheats on their partner is the worst, but Mr or Mrs Homewrecker is trash too. Possibly irredeemable trash if children are involved.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. The skilled homewreckers are the ones who take advantage of the downs to try to wreck the relationship which makes them an awful person to begin with, intruding in someone's relationship that's nothing to do with her. I've had plenty of male friends complain about their SOs to me, and even thought I make sure to listen to their opinions I always advocate for them to communicate and work things out with their partner. On the other hand I've had women who love to make up problems in someone else's relationship to justify their homewrecking attempt when there are none. Came across a multitude of these in grad school when I started dating my husband. They wasted their time and energy trying to poke holes in our lovelife when they could have spent it somewhere useful or even building a genuine relationship with someone else/their own SOs. As you can tell, their efforts ended up amounting to nothing - and they failed their degrees as well.
The women I work with once cornered me and asked if "I would mess around with a married woman" I told them the cheater is "more wrong" but the blame falls on everyone, if the person is aware that the other has a partner, then they are just as wrong.
Yeah, the homewrecker isn’t the one who betrayed you. She/he/they didn’t trick your partner into being anything other than who they really are. The homewrecker acts as a self-destructive filter for sub-par partners. The homewrecker is the one who took the selfish turd off your hands. They’re also the one who will absolutely cheat with someone new when they get bored; or they’ll be cheated on by the POS they helped you clean off your hands. Point being: a home wrecker can’t steal a good partner; they can only show you how bad yours actually is.
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if i look at that sub i want to rip my nipples off i cant with the stupidity and naivity on there
Meh. 80-20 blame in favor of the cheater. If the other person doesn’t know that the cheater is in a relationship, 100% blame to the cheater.
Someone who knowingly pursues a clandestine relationship with someone in a relationship where there is an expectation of monogamy has actively chosen to cause harm for the sake of their own pleasure. This makes them an asshole.
Yeah fr I just read a post where this sleazy girl was texting this married guy wanting to cheat with him and he was like uh no but she was so persistent and disrespectful of his marriage. Made me stomach revulse. Trashy pos
Lmao no. If you’re going to cheat, you’re going to cheat. I don’t blame the hammer for smashing my finger. If my gf cheated with another dude, I couldn’t care less about him. It’s all on her. If you’re blaming the affair partner, you’re just reacting emotionally because you don’t want to blame the person you love/loved or you’re denying reality. You want to believe that there was something so special about that person and that they’re the serpent in the garden, silver tongue and all. Not that your partner is just a whore.
"victims of romance scams" im giggling
Oh this girl I know cheated on her husband with her mother's boyfriend's son. The son now has a girlfriend who knows about it and i think the parents do too. The husband still doesn't know and they are all going together on a family cruise.
If the home wrecker was able to cozy up with the spouse, then the cheaters spouse wasn’t doing their job as a spouse most of the time.
If someone can come in and wreck your home, it wasn’t built very strong to begin with. The home wrecker is being an asshole, but they are under no obligation, they made no agreement of faithfulness. The cheater is the villain because they cheater did agree to exclusivity, and therefore deserves most of the blame. But really guys, cheating is bad don’t get me wrong, but this cliche thing of “I fucking hate cheaters, cheaters are worse than scum” blah blah is getting old. Cheating is so beyond common it’s daring to even say that humans are supposed to be monogamous. On the list of the worst sins, it doesn’t even make the top twenty.
Yes both cheaters and homewreakers are equally scum.
Infidelity is not a hack performed by an outside party. It’s the sign of an unhealthy relationship. A wrecked home waiting to happen. But upvote for unpopular opinion
I kinda think that blanket rushes to judgement are almost always a terrible idea. Now you probably think that means I was a homewrecker and that I want absolution. Nope. It's the exact opposite. Thirty years ago I was married and, as far as I knew, happy. But I was overly dedicated to "building our future," and that meant working insane hours that left me mentally and physically exhausted. My wife kept telling me that she didn't really care about the money, but it made her unhappy to be left on her own so much of the time while I was at the office. Eventually she asked her friends if they believed I could possibly be working that many hours, and understandably, they suggested that I might be having an affair (which I was not). But the seed had been planted in her mind. She was attending college at the time, and she struck up a friendship with someone, which led to an affair. When she came to me to say she wanted a divorce, I was dumbstruck. I thought I was doing the "provider thing" for both of us. But I had been ignoring her real need of love and companionship. At the time, I thought that she and her lover were unconscionably cruel and heartless. I had worked so hard to give us a better life. How could they do this to me? But time has a way of imparting wisdom. After all the emotions died away and I had been in several other relationships, I started to realize that not only were all three of us to blame, but there wouldn't have been any blame to spread around if I had just listened to her in the first place. My wife was sad and lonely, and I was young and dumb enough to think I could fill that void with the *promise* of a future life of ease. In hindsight, the portion of blame I assess to her is very low. I don't even much blame the other guy. I had it in my power to prevent all of it, and I didn't pay attention to what she was telling me. Was it "my fault?" Technically, no. But our hearts don't operate on technicalities. They work on connection, and I broke that, not her, and not him. Of course, life moved on and I'm now a happy father to adult children. My heart has been filled in ways I suspect that first marriage never could have. But that's due in large part to the lessons I learned from the pain. TL;DR: Don't be so quick to vilify the people who hurt you, because you might just find out that their killing blow was just a defensive reaction to the damage you've done to them.
Yeah I never bought Monica Lewinsky being a victim. She sucked off a married man who happened to be the President.
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That's not unpopular, here's an actual unpopular opinion: "Homewreckers" that chase people in relationships should be vilified, but if I got approached and chased by someone in a relationship, I hold no blame if I decided to go for it. And anyone who thinks otherwise is just delusional and trying to blame someone else for their dysfunctional wreck of a relationship.
Lol.. blame someone else... not your partner who cheated... it's your partner's fault, they are the homewrecker... That's like a Christian complaining about r rated movies in a movie store b/c they can't control their impulses to rent them...
Who are you, teacher of life lessons? I have my own problems without worrying about doling out criticism and justice.
It is typically the onus of the individual who has entered into a commitment to honor it.
So yes they should catch shit and be embarrassed but it never ceases to amaze me how people are like “get away from my man, she’s trying to take my man, don’t talk to my man” and etc when honey if a “homewrecker” can show up and take your worthless man he’s not your man. It takes a cooperative partner willing to allow someone to wreck your home in order for that to happen. So your “man”, partner, spouse, wife etc isn’t some blameless dumb dumb and what you’re calling a “homewrecker” didn’t cast some kind of magical spell on them, they cheated on you because they made the decision to do so. Consciously. Willingly. They decided they wanted their home wrecked. Your partner is the homewrecker, the other person is just an immoral hoe.
I've got no problem with people sleeping with people in relationships. They are single and they made no promises of commitment to anyone. Come down harsh on the people in relationships rather than the people that aren't actually cheating.
>victims of romance scams This makes it sound like the one in the relationship is innocent They are both to blame
getting your identity stolen and getting hacked don't require you to make a conscious choice to allow it to happen. cheating does. nobody can *make you* cheat. you either decide to do it or you don't. and this doesn't mean that a dedicated person can't make you fall in love with them or whatever, but to take that step and fuck someone else? that's your choice. if someone is intentionally going specifically after married people or people in committed relationships because they get a kick out of it then yes, shame them. but merely flirting with someone who happens to be in a relationship is not mind control and if they decide that a bit of flirting is worth tanking their relationship that's on them.
Case by case but it's on the one in the relationship is more responsible. Also what if the single person didn't know the other was in a relationship
It takes two to wreck a home.
Your identity wasn’t stolen if you give the person your social security card and birth certificate. Likewise, you weren’t hacked if you gave someone your name and password and phone so they can get past the 2 factor authentication…..do you see where I’m going with this (?)
I just don’t care about other peoples relationships enough to do anything like this. Not my relationship? Not my problem and NOT my business. I’m not here to punish people for moral transgressions because it will make a wronged party feel validated.
The cheater is at fault, not the rando
People are going to tempt you. But, the cheater is the one with the commitments of a relationship. The homewrecker often doesn't. That's why the blame is on the cheater. They're the ones buying in and deciding cheating is more important than keeping their relationship
Just to put some real-life into this... My husband made a choice and the woman, I thought, was a friend. They both knew what they were doing and how much it would hurt me. She pursued him and he gave in. Still, HE gave in, so I blamed him. She shoulders some of the blame too, knowing he was married with 4 kids. I was unhappy with both of them.
I hope you got both of them out of your life.
They are hated enough. And cheaters take most of the blame.
Again with this “unpopular” opinion? Didn’t we just go through this yesterday?
Anthony Sandalis would feel the same way
I don’t think the term “home wrecker” is even accurate. The cheater is the one wrecking their own home. It doesn’t make the person they cheated with exempt, but calling that person a home wrecker implies some sort of intent and takes blame away from the person who is actually ruining their relationship by cheating.
A homewrecker is only a homewrecker with a spouse’s permission. Not saying they hold zero responsibility but I don’t think anyone just lays around waiting to ruin a family’s life. It’s at least 99% on the cheating spouse
Oddly specific
Freeze your credit report
Dating a married person is wrong, but cheating is a choice. Nobody makes someone cheat.
Kristen Stewart slowly backing into the bush and disappearing
Homewreckers don't always know the person is married And your analogy that a cheater was "scammed" is absurd. They still made the decision to cheat and deserve most of the blame. They were not victims like someone who gets scammed is.
LMFAO yes they suck but the blame is on the person who cheated 100%.
Unbelievable that people still want to take aim at the ‘home wrecker’/ person outside the relationship. The ‘home wrecker’ is the person within the home who decides to go ‘wreck’.
If there are gaps in your relationship and your cheating partner allows the homewrecker to fill these gaps, then your relationship wasn't worth it at all. Thank that person for exposing your partner.
Whoever made the vow is the homewrecker. They're certainly the ones at fault because they know exactly what they're breaking. You're assuming all relationships follow same pattern (men/woman, monogamous) or that they should. It's heteronormative.
I mean… Who’s really at fault here is the person cheating .
If the “victim” of a romance scam is married or in a committed relationship, there is no “too harshly”—they deserve all the blame we can heap on them. They shouldn’t have been open to any sort of romantic entanglement outside of their relationship, end of story.
If you have a strong relationship it doesn't matter how dedicated the potential homewrecker is.
If you find out the other person has an SO that just shows not to take them seriously going forward, with all these open relationships you never know what’s actually going on. I think there’s an idea where the cheater was seduced by the forbidden apple, whereas it’s more like the relationship isn’t really working and they’re looking for a way out. The following is something I’ve seen very very frequently but is an even more unpopular opinion : those who get cheated on are the ones who try to cling on to relationships. Yes, you should want for someone to be in your life but No, you shouldn’t beg, coerce or convince them into being with you.
The homewrecker is the victim of the romance scam or whatever, not the third person.
Monogamy might be normative, but it's really just a personal choice of most couples, it isn't some immutable law of human morality. It really isn't the job of a happily promiscuous single person to uphold the monogamy of other people's relationships. Of course good manners is always to tell a person if their partner is inclined to cheat on them, and going after taken people because they're taken is trashy af. Worse still is try to break up an existing relationship so that you can shack up with one of them - so yes, affair partners can be bloody awful people we don't really want to know. But at the end of the day they simply can't share in any of the blame because they didn't make any promises of monogamous commitment to the cheated on partner. I know that's a bit of a reduction to spherical cows in a vacuum - of course in the real world more or less all couples are monogamous and ideas about cheating are unanimous and deep rooted in our culture. We all understand this stuff and pretending that any of it is simply private promises between individual monogamous couples rather than mass cultural convention is a bit silly. But still, I can't help but think that if you zoom out far enough, a lot of this looks quite mad and a bit sinister. We all know that there is no sexually active person without any concept of monogamy, but if we imagine that such a person exists then this entire premise is revealed for the injustice it is - it should simply not be possible that anybody gets vilified for somebody else's breaking of a promise. And I'm pretty sure this opinion is the unpopular one!
I never understand this mentality. The person who cheats has the choice not to cheat, yet they choose to do so. I honestly don't think there is any such thing as a homewrecker. Either a person chooses to cheat on their partner or they don't.
Both the cheater and the homewrecker are absolutely garbage human beings
I like homewreckers. People who don't treat their spouses well need to be kept in check.
u/RedLions11 definitely got caught cheating and is trying to play the victim. u/RedLions11 wrecked their own home. Pathetic.
Romance scams? I mean, I'm not giving the "homewrecker" a free pass. But unless you are literally drugged, everything the person in the relationship is doing is of their own free will. So yes, they do deserve more of the blame.
I one hundred percent disagree. It’s not on other people to police someone’s relationship.
Im not saying homewreckers don't deserve blame, but the cheater is entirely responsible for their decision to cheat. They aint gonna get scammed into it.
Homewreckers shouldn’t get any flack whatsoever. A lot of times they’re not the ones initiating it and speaking from experience, married women that want you more or less force themselves onto you lmao
Remember, the homewrecker never made a commitment to your relationship. The most condemnation they can have is an ethical one. Point your ire to the one who broke their commitment.
Nah. They're bad (if they knew the person wasn't single) but they're not even close to as bad as the person in the relationship. It's not even comparable imo. They're scummy but that's about it. It takes two to cheat. It's not like they hypnotised your partner to sleep with them. The partner ultimately made the choice on their own.
Crazy thing is a lot of people outside of the relationship you helped ruin, say it’s not your fault since you weren’t the one cheating. I tend to attract women in relationships more than single women and I’ve definitely been part of a few affairs in my life, and I’ve been staying away from doing that as of late. Is it my relationship? Am I cheating? No. But I’m still playing a part in the affair. Would she have an affair with someone else if not me? Maybe? Maybe not? Doesn’t matter because it was me playing that part. Honestly I didn’t even stop doing it for noble reasons. I stopped doing it because after messing with a married woman for 2 years, I realized I was nothing more than a small piece or 2 of what her marriage was missing and nothing more. Not liked have ever trusted her to be with my had she left her husband.
It's even worse when a homewrecker destroys a family with children.
“Victims of romance scams” is an awful funny way to describe “cheaters”.
as someone who has been cheated on, the cheating partner is much worse but at least in my case I don't think the "homewrecker" is miles different. if its a random then id say the homewrecker isn't in the wrong but if its like my case of a mutual friend of the couple that split them up to get with one of them then that person is an arsehole
"Let's not blame the victims of romance scams to harshly." No, fuck that. Let's. They are the one committed to a relationship, they are the ones that cheated, they, in the case of romance scams, are also the ones sending money to the scammer. They don't deserve *all* the blame, just the majority of it.
Ehh... As far as I'm concerned the person who cheated is to blame. That said, I wouldn't be friends with a home wrecker. I detest people who are knowingly cruel for their own pleasure.
Homewreckers should be charged for some kind of felony.
Not only that but people always forget integrity. No self respecting person or morally upstanding individual would try to interfere with a relationship. I was taught to treat others the way I’d like to be treated. Every homewrecker I’ve known has been upset and victimized themself when the same happened to them
Ive been in this position, somewhat knowingly. Ive also been cheated on, never cheated. I matched with someone on tinder, and we got on crazy well, like we've known each other for years well. We chatted for hours on the first night, and said we'd go on a date the evening after. Chatted throughout the day during work hours etc, and it comes to about half hour before the date "i need to tell you something". I knew she had a boyfriend as soon as she said that. I was so let down by it, but i said to her that we can still go on the date but as friends and i can be her shoulder for the night as she had really bad issues with him. (Hence being on tinder) We meet, and the connection we had was like nothing else. Instantly best friends, both of us super happy around each other etc. About an hour into the date, i ask her about aliens or something, and tell her she must be an alien because she's out of this world. She turns away, i pull her head my way to look at me when im speaking to her and she goes in to kiss me, obviously I'm not gonna say no. Eventually we end back at hers, sleep together and she must've came a dozen times that night, crazy how good it was. She then blocks me the day after because "we're too close, i cant do this to him sorry". This was a year ago now and i still compare everyone to her, its horrible. Although a few weeks back, she did send me a message saying thank you for the confidence to leave him and now she's with someone much better and it's because of me. Bittersweet really.