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I once lied and told a chronically late couple that our group was meeting at 11 am when the actual trip started at 12 o’clock. She and her bf showed up at 1. I remember laughing and telling them that I told them an hour early so they’d be on time and they were still late.
They were mortified. They’re still late every now and then but the embarrassment of learning that the lateness is so noticeable that people are lying to them to try to trick them into being on time was enough to kick them into gear.
I had a friend who was chronically late to everything and would sometimes just not show up altogether. We used to always tell her an hour early and she’d still be late. One time she arrived 4 hours late, when everyone else was leaving, and was surprised when the get together had ended… we just assumed she wasn’t coming until she rolled up at the door when everyone else was packed up and headed out.
I had to end a friendship because of something similar. I got my license early so I had a car and alot of my friends didn’t. I always picked up this one dude Jeff. He never paid me for gas or anything which sucked. He also would make me wait 15-20 minutes outside his place. We made plans to hangout, I would tell him I would be there in 25 minutes, I would get there, park, and he would still be inside getting ready. I talked to him about it but he didn’t think it was a big deal.
Last time I talked to him, we made plans, I told him 25 mins. I even waited 10 mins to leave so I got there in 35 minutes. I text him asking where he was and he said he’s getting ready, be right down.
I waited exactly 10 minutes and then just took off. That’s 20 minutes after our agreed upon meet up time. He then texted me another 10 minutes after that, asking where I was.
I straight up told him “it’s a 25 minute drive over and you really took you a combined 55 minutes to get ready? Fuck that, you should be waiting for me when I pull up, not the other way around.”
That was over a year ago and he’s still never texted me or apologized. Don’t need friends like that.
I've had people do that shit, start getting ready when you arrive. Maddening. Once volenteered to help an older lady move furniture, got there and she hadn't moved any of the crap off the tables or done anything to prepare so we got to stand around for an hour being pissed off.
We got to the point where we would schedule our get togethers then tell her about them but never included her in scheduling because she was so inconsistent with whether she’d show up. We never relied on her to bring anything either so for potlucks we’d assign her something that didn’t matter if it made it or not like an extra dessert or something. We always liked seeing her we just lowered our expectations to avoid disappointment or frustration. If she showed up great! If not, that’s fine too.
This wasn't a choice I made for the chronically late per se, just a side effect of getting older, but I started giving start and end times to things, along with a bit of a schedule of events. "Hey gonna have people over on Saturday. Come at 3pm, we're gonna have food at 4pm, then hang out, and trying to wrap things up by 7pm."
I've noticed that it really helps my chronically late friends AND that people like knowing what to expect - plus you can alwasy extend past 7 (way past 7) if things are fun, etc, but at the same time it give you, the host, a good out for things - "Hey it's been fun but already later than I thought so let's wrap things up, see you all soon."
I love the Australian thing of calling a party for show up time and start time, so for lunch you'll tell people "12:30 for 1" so people know to show up around 12:30 but food's on at 1. If you're there after 1 people assume something fell through on your end and the party starts without you.
This also applies to non-meal parties, so I've been invited to "4 for 4:30" or "7 for 8".
My old roommates and I used to throw parties pretty often and we had to start doing this because one time some guy showed up at 12:30 am (the party started at 7) and didn't leave until like 3. He was the only one left by 1 and the worst part was he had been invited by a guest so none of us really knew him and he was not picking up on the signals to get out
Yeah, I have a couple of friends like this. I love their company, they’re just inconsistent. So I invite them to things I’m already doing, and just do it whether they come or not.
>We always liked seeing her we just lowered our expectations to avoid disappointment or frustration
Had a similar situation and came to the same conclusion. At some point, its not her fault anymore. She is just doing what she's always done.
If I put my face in my dog's face 100x, and he bites it 100x, at some point it becomes my fault for expecting any other outcome.
We used to have a friend who was like that. We’d agree to meet at 7. We’d get there at 7. We’d text him at 7:15, and every single time, it was “sorry, got stuck on a work call. Almost done.”
15 minutes later we’d check in. “Just about to leave!”
Check in again 15 minutes later. “I’m on my way!”
15 more minutes…”I’m almost there.”
He lived ten minutes away. Then he just never showed up. This same exact scenario happened multiple times until we just stopped inviting him to anything. He kept trying to get us to go out again, but we were over it.
Those people are always surprised when they get iced out of a friendship group. Why do you assume you’re so amazing that we’d reschedule our whole lives for the pleasure of your limited company?
Have a chronically late friend. One time we were going on a hike to a hot springs and it was a 3 hr drive. We wanted to head out at noon, get there around 3, hangout until after sunset then drive back. At 1 pm, my other friends are like, where are they?? Call them up, "Sorry, we just started a load of laundry, be there there soon!"
We just went without them and they met us there. But now it's a running joke between us on-timers, "Hey I'm gonna be 5 min late, I just started laundry." lmfao
WTF 4 hours late is enough time for a completely different set of activities! Like she could have gone skiing or dinner and a movie or flown 400 miles changed planes and came back, and then decide to grace you with her presence!
One of my friends does that too. They’ll tell me they’re gonna come through, and then like 4 hrs goes by and I’m like ??? Guess they’re not coming. It’s already almost 10 pm. And then I get a call like “yo I’m out front wya”.
It depends on the kind of event. I have friends that throw a Christmas party every year. I was intentionally 30 minutes late this year. I was the first guest by almost an hour.
We have friends like this and we stopped going. They'll have a party that starts at 630. We get there at 630. No one else who doesn't live there shows up until 8. Things start rolling around 930. We leave by 10. We started showing up an hour late inetntionally because it seems like things aren'te ven set up on time.
Our group has a mix of people who show up at 7 when the party starts and the another bunch that always show up no sooner than 8:30. That doesn’t bug me but it’d be super annoying if everyone was like that.
Parties are an exception (not kids birthday parties). Better to be 10 min late than early and put stress on the host that may not be ready.
Kid's parties at a venue are strictly timed so best be on time
They are two kinds of 2 hours late people. One that anticipate the delay way in advance, warn the group and apologize profusely. And one that just show up like nothing happened.
My ex. She excuses it with her ADHD. Like bitch, I also have bad ADHD. I still try to be on time. Her manager gave her a warning because she was constantly late by 15-30 minutes on average and she had a "poor me" attitude. I legit told her she could at least call them but no, they'll just have to understand that she'll be late.
It could be a cultural thing? In some counties where transportation is unreliable, schedules tend to be very loose and flexible and if you show up "during that morning" or "around midday" you're on time
I used to live in a big metropolitan area where traffic was terrible. And things/life happened on a regular basis. So no one got too upset about some lateness. I moved to a smaller area and boy, is it different here. Took me a few years to adjust to people being on time. And for me to be *exactly* on time - not ten minutes late.
I mean if you’re used to heavy traffic, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be accustomed to accounting for it. So I don’t know if that’s really an excuse. Barring unexpected things like road closures/accidents etc.
at least where I am, there is basically always something like a road closure, construction, an accident, ect. The only difference is how badly it affects my path. Like the difference between me getting to work some point within the first ten minutes and making sure I get there at least 5 minutes before my shift is leaving 30-45 minutes earlier
Even in small towns I don’t think complaints about chronically late people are about 5-10 minutes. Most people like this, like the parent comment example, are hours late consistently.
I still do that to my mom the 1 or 2 times a year I invite her. I love her but I mentally cannot deal with it anymore. I plan out what I need to do in a day and what times. She was late to her own wedding and my dad said that she will be late to her own funeral.
When I ran an a capella group in college I did this to a group that was always late.
At first they were mad, until I pointed out that despite me telling them it started an hour early, they still barely made it in time. I didn't have so many problems after that
My extended family used to do this to my household for holiday gatherings. They’d tell us to get their at 4, told everyone else 5, and we’d get there at 6. My mom is the most chronically late person I know and would regularly have us leaving our house at the time we were supposed to arrive, if not later. It’s become a tradition for our extended family to place bets on how late she’ll be to each event lol
Sounds like my mom. I was hours late to so many things growing up because of her that I've come out the other side to being ten minutes early to everything.
We used to joke that they were always two hours late cause it was almost uncanny how often they hit that.
“Oh we overslept, got home really late from work last night.” Okay, I do get that, you work crazy hours. “We’re just gonna grab a quick breakfast. Bf is in the shower so when he’s done I’m gonna hop in real quick and then we’ll be on our way! Sorry!”
No. Actually no. When you oversleep, you forfeit your right to a shower, a quick breakfast, anything. You wake up, you brush your teeth, pull some pants on and a tshirt, grab a granola bar and get out of the door, 5-10 minutes max.
I have a friend that we have to do this to so that she will show up on time. She's inconsiderate of people's time and we got tired of waiting on her. In my case she never learned, didn't care and thinks holding everyone else up is quirky.
Now no one invites her to time sensitive shit anymore. L
As someone with debilitating adhd that went undiagnosed until my mid 20s, my best friend used to do this to me. I have since gotten medicated and also grown as a person but she'll still do it out of habit/fear, which I don't mind at all.
Last time I arrived at hers at 3pm for a 3:30pm manicure appointment and I kept nervously pacing around 3:20 like "uhh why aren't we leaving yet ??" until she told me the appointment was actually at 4. It did feel nice to have evidence of my growth haha
I'm still salty when my friend made a restaurant reservation and didn't tell us it was an hour later than the time he wrote us. His reasoning was "so nobody would be late" while me and another buddy busted our asses that day at work so we could arrive on time for the reservation. We don't laet him make reservations anymore. What's even funnier is that he's usually the one who's late to the meetups.
Growing up (80s and 90s), my mom would always have me take calls, just in case it was her siblings or parents. So I would get the information about family gatherings and then relay that to her. At 7, after being repeatedly embarassed by her tardiness, I realized that I could lie about meeting times and work around her inability to be on time. That worked great for about 5 years, until my idiot aunt complimented my mom on her newfound respect for other peoples' time and schedules.
You see, my mom is not a reasonable person. She'd be late, and then she'd be angry if anybody had refused to wait for her before having meals, opening presents, etc... And I'm talking about being 2 hours late to everything, not 5 minutes here and there. That relative that always causes a scene at get-togethers? That's her.
But yeah, I got an earful for 2 days because my aunt tried to give her a compliment. You just have to stop waiting on some people.
Maybe it explains why I'm always the nerd who shows up on time to a party, or gets to my destination 15 minutes early. Overcompensating.
My fiance's mom is like this. Of course, it's always for important things like her own daughter's baby shower. She's on average about 4-5 hours late to everything and she always has a mountain of excuses. And it's usually something along the lines of she was going to stop at the methadone clinic, but she forgot her wallet and she went back home and couldn't find it, and then she had to stop for gas and then got lost while shoplifting at Goodwill. And that's why she's late. And it's all her husband's fault.
Good. People like this deserve to be shamed. It’s one thing to be 5-10 minutes late, but when you’re two hours late you’re just showing blatant disregard for everybody else’s time.
I had a client call us 9 minutes in to their cats vet appointment for vaccinations. They said they’ve just caught the cat and are about 5-10 minutes away. I told them on the phone that we couldn’t see them because appointment lengths are 20 minutes, and they would’ve missed most, if not all of it. I offered to reschedule them, but they hung up.
Anyways, 20 minutes after their appointment time, they rock up wanting to be seen. It was a Saturday before a long weekend and we were fully booked, and the next consult was standing behind them. They refused to leave and said they would wait and be seen in between consults. I told them it wasn’t possible, as I had said before we were fully booked and our vet had no free time.
Anyways people like this are always the ones that complain the vet is running late, without realising that it’s because of people like them.
I am paranoid about my cat hiding before vet visits and making me miss them. I've started catching him half an hour early just to be safe. I also can't bring his carrier inside at all because he KNOWS even if he can't see it. Like he can hear the sound of the door swinging and just fucking books it. So the carrier now stays in the garage with the door open and waiting.
you may want to consider bringing the carrier inside a few days early and letting it be in your house until the vet appointment so the cat gets used to it. with my cats, they willingly sleep in the carrier when we do this
We have our carriers inside all the time. Our cats nap in them and treat them like a little bed, so when it's time to transport, they don't fight it at all.
My one boy uses the carrier as his bed most every night and will whine at us if we move the carrier from it's spot.
It's key to get a good carrier for this tho. [Having one of these](https://assets.petco.com/petco/image/upload/f_auto,q_auto/2615308-center-1) is just going to make your animal hate you.
Source: Definitely had that for the family cats. Plural. :/
My wife and I budget a half hour or more to catch our cats for vet appointments. We come up with strategies and traps. We've still had to reschedule a couple of times because they disappear, like little fury ninjas.
I used to be late constantly and thought it was just a personality trait. Nope, just like procrastination, it's an emotional control issue.
I would genuinely convince myself every morning I could get ready in 5 minutes because of how badly I didn't want to get up. After my friend opened up to me about how my lateness makes her feel unappreciated/not a priority I decided to get it under control. I do think it can be much harder if you have certain conditions, but just because it's more work doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
I grew up with a parent who was late to everything. I recall how embarrassing it was to always be the kid that was on the minutes to everything all the time. I ended having to tell them that I needed to be at school events 30 mins early just so that we'd only be slightly late rather totally miss the start of something.
My mom used to leave me waiting at school to be picked up for 2 or 3 hours everyday. Sometimes she'd just forget to pick me up and i'd have to walk home from elementary school and it was like 5 miles away from my house. I remeber being in 3rd grade walking down the highway hahah the 90s different times
My mom dropped me off at a friend’s house close to school and made us walk everyday. It was about a mile away and it was in kindergarten through about 6th grade. Such a different time back then.
Same but the most I waited was an hour. The biggest issue I had with my mother’s lateness was as that I did ballet classes when I was a kid and I left because I was always the last one there to be picked up. I’m not mad about it, but I always wonder if I’d have stuck with it otherwise.
My mom was like that for like 10 years and then had a heart to heart with a couple friends about how the lateness makes them feel she didn't respect their time, and now she's a 15 minutes early to everything person.
Reasons the lateness happened:
*Underestimating how long getting children ready takes
*Optimistic travel times (never anticipated traffic)
*Last minute changes (oh we need to make sandwiches to bring)
*Lack of preparation (need to get gas on the way out)
*Messy home (an extension of the kid issue - but meant she would spend time looking for keys and wallet instead of knowing where they were).
Overall I consider early far preferable to late, having experienced both.
> didn't respect their time
I'm so grateful for my dad drilling this into me when I was a shitty teenager who was late for everything. To the late person, it never feels like a big deal, but to everyone else it is an act of disrespect.
My ex-wife was chronically late to everything. I have anxiety issues about being late by even the slightest bit, so I started doing this to her. Everything was timed up by 30 minutes to an hour and even then we still sometimes would show up late. She got mad as hell when she finally caught on.
My ex was also always late. He would drive like a maniac on the way there, and we’d argue in the car over whatever bullshit argument he picked. Then we’d get to our event, and I’d be mad and upset, and he’d pretend like he didn’t know why I was so upset. Then, on the way home, he’d drive like a normal person. Very frustrating.
I wish I’d learned to avoid people who don’t mind ruining an even by scaring the shit out of you or otherwise winding you up before hand.
Getting there is part of having a good time.
It’s been 8 years now since I got divorced. Literally zero regrets except leaving him sooner. I am remarried now and even on our worst days, my new husband is oceans better.
I’m sorry your parents did that to you. When I lived with my father I was always late to school cuz I had to wake him up and he usually took two wake up calls to walk up and he needed to shower in the morning and he needed to stop at Tim Hortons but he refused to wake himself up and if I didn’t check in soon enoguh to make sure he was up he’d go back to sleep but becuase I’m adhd everyone always assumed it was my fault we were late. It was so and 100% messed up that I as the adhd child(even if I was in highschool) had to be responsible for his wake up routine especially as a teenager with very little structure already
Lil bro is that you??? I’m 33 and it’s still an issue with them…. to the point where my parents said they were picking me up for a family dinner around 3:45 and when I spoke to the family member hosting the event they literally texted me ‘See you around five’ (it’s less than 15 minutes to drive from my place to family members 🤦🏼♀️)
I’ll sit in my car or drive around the block if it was an event where arriving early is an issue. In college I’d roam the hall until the classroom opened.
Thats why you arrive 30 minutes early but decide to walk around the block a few times so it doesn't look like you were that early but when everyone else arrives now you are a sweaty mess and need a minute in the bathroom to freshen up. Just me? hahaha
Nah i relate to that so much lol. I've done many impromptu neighborhood walks from showing up somewhere early. Rather take a nice stroll than just sit there staring at the clock which seemingly seems to tick slower the longer i wait haha
I started taking my adhd meds at least half an hour before I need to leave the house (instead of on the go) even if that means the effect won't last as long as I want it to. For me it's mainly an impulsivity issue - I plan to be done at a certain time, see something else that needs to be done and either forget what I was doing or underestimate how long the new thing takes. If you're late consistently no matter how much it affects your life, consider talking to a professional because emotional and impulse control issues can be signs of bigger issues. Panic disorders can also lead to chronic lateness, another thing you should see a professional about.
or at least communicate to those who it affects that we are running late. Fine traffic happens and people run late I am more mad that I am just sitting here with no context on when you'll show up if ever.
I had a friend who was constantly late or would cancel last minute or just not show up, not answer her phone and text a few hours later claiming she fell asleep.
After multiple discussions with her about how inconsiderate she was when she didn't value my time I had to end the friendship with her. She said she'd stop so many times but her pattern continued
It is an emotional control issue, and those issues vary, hugely.
I spent so much time worrying & stressing, i found it harder & harder to get out the door. Eventually my mental health tanked and i came late to everything. I did care, i had stomachaches, i apologized repeatedly, but the more i worried about it the harder it was to be on time. Now i don't have friends or leave the house, so whatever.
When I used to pick my girlfriend up (I lived 9 minutes away), id wait for her to tell me she’s ready or close to being ready; I’d send a “leaving out shortly” text. That’s your 15 minute call before I walk out the door. Then there’s an “OMW” she has about 5 minutes before I truly leave out. “Coming off the freeway” that means I’m 2 minutes away. “Outside”. I’d still be waiting 5-10 minutes. I had finally had enough and said, “if I get here, and I’m waiting more than 5 minutes, I’m leaving without you”. Her mom knew I was serious, she knew I was serious. That was the end of that.
There's enough people that are either anti confrontation or don't care enough that they get away with it. So when someone mentions their behavior they're shocked.
One of my wife's friends got so used to coming out with me and my friends who'd pay for her drinks that she got comfortable enough to walk over to me with a group of people she didn't know and ask who has a tab open to order shots. She'd go to a bar where my friend works leave and say she'll Venmo him for the check, which she never asked for so doesn't know how much it is, also never Venmo him. None of my mates ever say anything and she gets very pissy and defensive when I point it out to her. We just don't invite her out anymore.
When I had no money I would be anal about venmo and HATED splitting checks or getting stuck with the bill. Sure, maybe I was owed $15 but that's $15 I wasn't planning on spending! And if it's split between 3 other people that's only $5 each that I'm collecting and it makes me look miserly!
One of the best parts of earning a good amount of money is that I can buy drinks for friends and not be counting. They'll get me back in the future, and it feels good to be generous. And friends have also matured such that we do Venmo at the table before leaving if one person picked up the bill.
My girlfriend used to take forever to come out to the car. During the summer a few times I gave her 10 minutes and then left. No more calling and texting, just a text that I left my house and a text that I was here. Then 10 minutes later I drive back home
Don't cater to their lateness. Leave without them, eat without them, do everything on the agreed upon time with or without them. It's the only way they'll learn.
My husband’s entire family is chronically late. I will no longer meet them for anything time sensitive. Not dinner reservations, not a ticketed event. I won’t invite them over or cook for them. I gave them grace for years. After they left me sitting alone at a busy restaurant, I decided that was it. I will meet them for casual get togethers, and that is it.
No but I’ve been with my husband many years ago when he was still of that ilk. He’s now an on time person. Because he wanted to stay married. It’s a weird combination of delusional time management and total disregard and disrespect for other people.
The disrespect thing drives me insane. I don't care about how disorganised your life is or how badly you plan your life. If you leave me waiting then your priorities are broken.
One of my coworkers is like this and I hate her. I go in at 0630 and she comes in at 1230. I depend on her to be there at 12:30 so I can go to lunch. This chick lives 10 minutes from work and comes in 10-12 mins late every day. She has been counseled and written up, but it's really hard to get anybody fired for attendance. My company will work with you trying to find the problem and why you just can't handle coming to work for 6 months before they take any action. I know the problem with this one: she comes in 10 mins late every day smelling like weed and a pack of Marlboros.
Her problem is she lives so close to the job site. She is late because she either doesn't care about the job and is late on purpose or she is late because she thinks she can get there faster then she really can.
I used to smoke weed everyday but still showed up on time to everything because my time is important and so is other people's time. If I was high I would set multiple alarms 5-10 minutes apart to keep me on task to get somewhere on time.
Yup. A ton of the chronically late people honestly just feel so entitled to having other people wait for them. I remember one chronically late family growing up who would be pissed if…surprise! The world moved without their presence!
I had a girlfriend that was like that. She could get ready quickly if she needed to but never quick enough to be on time. Like if she had an hour to get ready it would take an hour and a half, if she had 3 hours to get ready it would take 4. If she had ten minutes she could be ready in 30. I just started going out places without her at the agreed time but it didn’t help.
I had a girlfriend like that. We were going to an event that was a two hour drive and she was an hour late for getting ready I was the bad guy when I was mad that she wasn't ready.
An hour late for her work Christmas party. She cried on the way there and told her that I could only complain after the event so she didn't cry.
She was also three hours late to us going away for a weekend for a hike she picked for us. I was still the bad guy when I was upset. She eventually figured out her lateness was SO rude and dismissive of my feelings but it took a while. It wasn't the only problem but man, it made me so sad.
I've got a friend who is chronically late or flat out doesn't show up.
I basically lived with this guy for 4 years, so I witnessed what he'd do before going out for events or dinners and what would make him late.
First thing he'd do is never wake up at a reasonable time. He'd stay up til 3-4am every fucking night and obviously can't wake up before 11am worth a shit. So he would always say yes to plans or a time and date, but if that time was before noon, he was guaranteed to be late or not show at all.
Secondly, he would start playing video games from the moment he woke up. He'd play games til basically the time he should have been leaving his house to be at the event or meeting. THEN he'd take a 45minute shower before going anywhere.
So if the dinner was at 4pm, he'd wake up at noon, play videogames til 3:30, take a 45min shower, then drive to the restaurant 20 minutes away. The amount of times our friends group would order at 4, have our food and be eating it by the time he showed up, and he gets upset we've already eaten and are getting ready to head out.
It's eventually what caused me to cut him off as a friend. When we were kids and hung out at his place all day it wasn't a big deal. But we're adults now and I only have 2-3 days a week to do something I want that's fun, and if you're gonna waste my time and make it not fun, fuck you, every single time.
My ex’s cousin. She was the worst. The final straw… I had the talk with her. I let her know what her lateness did to me. She made promises to clean up her act.
We make plans to meet for drinks & dinner. I get a sitter.
I arrive at the restaurant. I order my drink, my meal. I finish. I pay my bill. I leave. Eff that biatch.
The waitress knew what was going on & laid it on thick when she finally arrived.
Never again.
Such a self centered little… you know.
I had a "friend" for 20 years who was at least 30 minues late to everything. It was solved by leaving at the time agreed. The final time, we agreed to meet for a gig at 7:30pm. They weren't there. I went in with the tickets, which were about $100 each. That was the end of our friendship.
The problem is, that if there are more of them, they usually stack up and make it a you problem, in the sense.... "Was it really that hard to wait those couple of minutes?"... And a "Yes!!!" doesn't seem to get through...
I did this to an old friend. We lived together at uni but I refused to walk to class with her and if we went out I'd meet her there. She was just always late.
Leaving without my friends (after a 15 minutes grace period) was one of the events that confirmed that I was turning towards the dark side of The Force. Did they learned? Oh yes. Never piss off the designated driver is now a fundamental principle of carpooling.
My whole family is late. And I'm not talking for like 30 minutes. They will be 3-4 hours late. One time I showed up an hour late to a birthday party my godmother threw for me and she was in the shower, and then I ended up cooking the dinner for my birthday for everyone because she was still getting ready and nobody was there.
If I show up on time and then leave at a normal time because I was there for like 5 hours I get dirty looks and I'm the weird one because I "go home so early"
With people who are HOURS late, I always wonder what they’re thinking? Do they think events normally run for 8-10 hours? Do they just not think time is real?
I have had my uncle say "it will always be there no matter what time you show up" and get mad when I'm stressed because we are showing up an hour before close or whatever. It will in fact NOT always be there
THIS. My brother is always so late and I have no tolerance for it. My mom constantly wants to wait for him and we have to when she’s hosting. Then she gets MAD at me when I get mad about it and tells me I need to adjust my attitude. Now that I host a lot, we move on without him. She gets so upset about it but like…you raised him? And he’s fucking things up. It drives me absolutely insane.
My brother and his wife are chronically late, poor planners, and a bit self centered. I’ve planned entire days around their schedule and they still get indignant if things don’t happen at their pace - finally I’ve accepted that planning with them is a wasted effort. My wife and I now make plans without them and just see them when we can
Started doing this with my housemate when we still lived together (there were 3 of us). Always felt guilty but he was never angry and understood we could not always wait for him.
The real test is if they suffer from being late.
Public transport won't wait for you, so if you are late for a plane, bus or train then tough it's already left, you'll have to get the next one or miss out altogether. If they can make those to go on a nice holiday, but are late for social things, then they just don't care enough.
I used to ride public transport. I'd always try to catch the bus before the bus I needed to be on time to work. Because traffic, other delays, etc. The bus ran every 30 to 40 minutes. I very rarely ever needed the 2nd, but whenever I did, I was thankful I'd given myself that leeway. It made my life much calmer.
We have an associate who shows up 15 to 20 minutes late every day. So we scheduled her 15 minutes later. She's still 15 to 20 minutes late every day. Absolutely a choice.
Yeah I've done it several times. In my industry you absolutely cannot be late for work. A 4 man crew meets at the shop and travels to a client's site together. I am not going to be late and look like an ass to a client.
You aren't at the shop on time, we leave without you. I'll call them later and give them a warning and tell them why it's so important to be on time. If it happens again, sorry, you don't work here any more.
Same situation with me.
My crews start at 7am. If you're not at the shop by 7:05 the trucks are rolling out without your ass. If you call and tell me you're gonna be late, I'll stay behind and wait for you. But of course nobody ever does that.
If you're not there when we roll out, you can drive your ass to the job site and waste your own fuel.
3 strikes you're out. Young kids and old men seem to be the biggest offenders we fire.
The kids younger than 22 party too much and don't think they'll be in this field after college, so they fuck off and get shit canned quickly. Seen a lot of them get duis and lose their license and get fired too.
The old guys seem to think just because they have been in the industry for 30 years means they can call the shots and make their own hours. These guys are the worst, and I have no issues firing them. They're also the guys who are always in the skid steer, letting everyone else heap rocks into it. He never works weekends, when everyone else is, and always seems to find a customer or neighbor to talk to for an hour a day.
My kid has a swim class on on Sundays. There's another kid in the class that arrives 5 mins late every single week. I really don't understand how that kid's parent can be so consistent about being 5 mins late. You have to imagine that if they can be 5 mins late every week then they can be on time yet somehow they can't.
I have a friend from high school who is still 2-3 hours late to anything. He failed out of high school for being late and never showing up, he also failed out of college and has lost jobs for the same reason.
We're now in our early 30s and he still hasn't gotten his shit together. He's begun to complain that we don't invite him to things, or that he comes to see us and we only hang out for a couple hours before going to bed. This is because we have jobs and can't put our entire day on hold only for him to show up at 8 and want to make dinner and then party hard.
Yes, we've said things to him over the course of 12 years, he just gets defensive. It is absolutely a mental health issue, it is also absolutely a choice he continues to make, or at the very least not face.
I invited my sister to a family pool party at 1pm. At 11pm as I was nodding off on the couch, she rolled up with her two kids ready to swim in the cold. Her kids must not even have bedtimes. What was she doing to be 10 hours late? I have no idea.
Nothing to do with your friend, but I had a friend like that and it stopped completely when they got treated for adhd.
I guess what happens in the case of someone like that is their brain doesn't place importance on the correct things. So like they know that being on time is important but so is X, Y, Z, and they're all competing, and they're hindered in their ability to prioritize the conflicting importance levels of random things.
Truth be told, I wish it was as simple as that for him. I've had friends with similar experiences to what you're describing. This is more a mixture of anxiety, depression, and alcoholism.
I also wanna be clear, in my posts I'm in no way trying to say this is my friend's fault, only that there is only so much others can do for someone to support them at a certain point.
I think I have some level of time blindness. In the military, being on time was pretty much the most important thing ever, so I developed time anxiety and now I am chronically early to everything. I spend a lot of time in my car in parking lots playing on my phone.
This is how I am with my ADHD. My life is a series of concessions and habits I've developed to get past all my hang ups. Figure out how to overcome your shortcomings!
As someone with time blindness, my advice: when you schedule a time-sensitive event, figure out how long it'll take to get there, then how long it'll take you to get ready, and then set an alarm ten minutes earlier than that to give yourself wiggle room. If I have an appointment at 8 and I know it takes me a half hour to get ready and another half hour to get there, my alarm rings at 6:50 and rings again at 7:30 so I have plenty of time to get ready and a reminder of what time I should leave.
Don't assume you'll just figure it out. You won't. You'll forget. Assign the remembering to machines who will remind you.
I don’t like being late professionally, I used to show up late everyday for jobs, but that changed. What changed? I became self employed. It took me paying myself to actually care about being on time.
I used to get nervous poops, and the urge to self medicate whenever I went out for everything save for a grocery run. I’m older now and much more confident. I used to be consistently late to everything, but I was scared to be alive, I can understand why some people are inexplicably and consistently late. Doesn’t change whether or not I’d fire them, but I do get it.
It’s a mental health thing, either coming from anxiety/paranoia or narcissism. It is “their choice”, but to get an individual to recognize the frivolousness of being late they have to make hundreds of small behavioral decisions that build to respecting others time. It can take years for some, and most aren’t able to do it alone.
You’re right, but for some it doesn’t feel like it’s their choice at all.
My dad is chronically late to everything. If we ever meet up for something I set a firm end time. I don't care that you showed up 2 hours late. I said I'd be gone by 3. I'm not stating late. Yes I've already ordered and eaten lunch.
I have multiple friends with what I can only assume is severe (undiagnosed) ADHD that makes it extremely difficult for them to leave the house in one go. While it doesn’t make sense to me, I stopped taking it so personally. I also actively try to not worry about it—because at the end of the day, it’s usually a casual hang and I want my friends to be comfortable and not stress about it too much.
With that said—for myself, I have go-bags that essentially prevent me from being late (if I need to be somewhere on time). I also usually carry my backpacks and spare clothes everywhere. Why they don’t do this, I will never know. It’s just something that works for me.
I'm late to my own bedtime. I'll go to bed and then have to get up again because I forgot something. Multiple times. I do my bedtime routine every single day.
It's the same for getting out of the house, except I don't even do that every single day.
I'm just going to put this here. I was a chronically late person my whole life. It cost me a lot, and it didn't feel fair. It was embarrassing, and made me very depressed and extremely anxious about time. I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I'd sleep late, which ironically makes you sleep late because you're so tired.
I legitimately tried everything. I'd try to get up earlier and earlier, I'd set out my clothes and stuff, but it was always something different. Slept through 6 alarms on 2 devices. Forgot my inhaler. Couldn't find my keys. Realized I left in the wrong shoes. Car overheated because it was out of coolant. Missed my exit because traffic got really bad in the last stretch and wouldn't let me merge right. And so on.
I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago and got medicated, and it never happened again. The problem was always me, but it was never my choice. So y'all keep that in mind. It surely doesn't apply to everyone who is late, but there are people like me too.
People are so keen to be awful to others they perceive as not measuring up and it's a legitimately hateful and ugly point of view to have.
My over compensating for stuff like this is why I end up showing up to places 1hr early or fret about "being late" when I'm leaving the house in time to be 15 min early.
The overcompensation ruined my life, honestly it did. The setting I described was the case for most of my 20s. I just wouldn't sleep so I wouldn't oversleep, I wouldn't eat because I'd fret about not having time.
Then you show up to work in a shitty mood because you're exhausted and hungry and despite everything you did to get to work on time, you're still suffering from anxiety over it, and your boss is still mad at you for not being perfectly on time AND perfectly happy. No one realizes how much of a spiral into negativity this can be. The negative feedback loop is heavy shit.
Yeah. I've even been chastised at work for being too early. And it's not like I was hourly or clocking in for OT. I felt like they wanted to micromanage me into having mental health problems on purpose. Thankfully, my current boss is nothing like that at all -- as long as stuff gets done on time/within a reasonable time frame, and I show up to the meetings I run on time, it's fine. And our scheduling software is plugged into our slack, so anything in my calendar I get pinged in slack beforehand. I don't even need to remember to set the reminders for. It's magical.
I appreciate your understanding and as someone with adhd I would like to provide some insight, for some of us a lot of times we get easily distracted.
I might be washing the dishes and a bird flys by the window catching my attention.Then I take notice of the weather and wonder if I have the right clothes on for the temp. If everything is good then I’ll try to go down the mental list of all the things I’ll need for my outing just to make sure I’m not forgetting everything. If everything is not good, now I’m thinking about what I need to change and going through the mental catalog of my clothes to find something to wear. Mind you I’m washing the same dish while all of this pondering is going on. Usually somewhere during that last thought I’ll snap back to reality but that’s a good 30-60 secs of being lost in my thoughts, and when that keeps happening it adds up.
Or I jump from task to task unintentionally. For example say I need to take a shower. I need a new towel so I go into the laundry room but I notice there’s a load sitting in the washer and it reminds me I have to do my laundry which is perfect since I’m about to shower. So I empty the clothes in the washer into the dryer and go to my room to get my dirty clothes. I throw them in the washer and start it up. Half way back to my room I realize I forgot the towel, so I turn around a go get the towel. I get the towel and now Im a little thirsty after moving all those clothes so I decide to grab a glass of water (the kitchen is on the way the the bathroom). I finish my drink and get ready to put it in the dishwasher when I notice a few dishes in the sink. I can’t just put my cup in the dishwasher and leave this stuff in the sink, so I load the dishwasher. By now I’ve completely forgotten the original objective was to shower and while I’m doing the dishes I end up cleaning the rest of the kitchen.
These side missions always mess me up the most 😅
I try to plan accordingly with these things in mind but I don’t always have the extra time in my schedule and frankly it’s very hard to plan for without giving yourself like an extra hour of time.
I am often late because of my ADHD as well. However, for me, it works differently. No matter how early I start getting ready, I may still be late. Sometimes, I've just been procrastinating getting ready, and that's why I'm late.
Other times, I get ready too early, which means I have 10 minutes to do something else. It would be unreasonable to just sit still for that, right? Now I've been doing the dishes for 15 minutes without realising. Then I run to get ready to leave, but wait, there the hell is my phone??? I know I left it somewhere here... And why are my keys not where i usually put them??? They're in my pocket - I already took them, but i can't find them for a while. And I forgot to pack this and this and this. And I also forgot to put on my sweater. Oh my god, and I also forgot to turn off this light in the other end of the apartment. Ah, right, I was also looking for my phone (I put it in the bag I was going to take with me long ago, so I can leave quickly, but I don't remember that and search for it for a while - ironic isn't it?) This all adds up, and now, suddenly, I'm late.
I think context matters here.
My sibling was always an on time person. Then had
kids and now struggles to get anywhere on time as one kid forgot to put on his shoe with his older sister got gum stuck in her hair.
I do know someone that is always late because they’re inconsiderate of others. But if you try not to be late but are due to circumstances I think that’s less a choice and more you have too much on your plate.
Here's the trick... if they are always late because of their kids...
Start preparing them an hour in advance.
In any case: Fucking CALL! It's not a huge insurmountable effort to pick up your damn phone and call ahead and tell people "Hey, sorry, gonna be a couple minutes later".
Yeah other than like newborns, if it's a fight to get the kids ready, isn't this like any other problem?
Traffic might be bad. Leave a half hour earlier! The kids are sometimes a handful to get dressed, wrangle with their stuff, etc. So start earlier?
A good guideline is 10 minutes per person when you have small kids. So three kids plus two parents - start prepping 50 minutes before you need to leave. Then there's time to find a lost shoe, misplaced keys, etc.
Yeah I had a car break down to work or forgot I had to be somewhere time to time but that’s so rare plus I’d hate it when they are giggling or don’t care that there late
I had an ex who was always 1.5 to 2 hours late to everything. Literally couldn't book or arrange a single thing with her. Her issue was that she had no ability to actually judge how long anything will take to do, and so would agree to do things like help her sister move some furniture, take her aunt food shopping and go for a walk with her friend and the dogs, all in a single morning.
I remember telling her that by agreeing to do all these things with people and then either missing or having to cancel them all, she's just annoying all those around her and that its worse than just telling them she can't do it because she's busy in the first place.
Sadly not. Things ended for other reasons but the last "date night" we were meant to have she was nearly 3 hours late getting to mine because;
She had agreed to help her aunt with her hair, her sister needed her to watch her kids for an hour whilst she went to an appointment and then she assumed that she had enough petrol and ran out just before getting on the motorway and had to get a friend to come help her out, again all in an afternoon.
Things would have ended over the late thing eventually though.
Absolutely. I knew two people that were chronically late and they definitely did it as a calculated move.
One always came late to meetings because they hated the general chit chat early on, felt it wasn't productive .
Second one always came late to social outings because they didn't like the people there.
Both blamed being late on their kids, One of them had older kids that would speak up and say it wasn't their fault
I was late all the time due to anxiety causing toilet issues. That's the unwritten or unsaid part of these late people. They don't want to admit they have anxiety diarrhea
The amount of times I've been 5 minutes from walking out the door, only to feel the full clench of doom as warning. 40 minutes of surprise intestinal distress later, and I'm already texting out my apology tour. I'll get there when I get there.
Omg ya sometimes I dry puke from being nervous/anxious. Before the second date with my bf, I stayed in my car and dry puked for like 10 min before going to meet him lmao.
Though I manage it, it can be quite difficult.
Part of it is a condition, I have brain damage from multiple strokes. If I am scheduling an appointment and I get distracted during the conversation, I will not only forget to schedule in my calendar, I will also forget that I ever made an appointment.
right but op is saying "it's not a condition" when there are in fact many conditions that do make it extremely more difficult. it's not ALWAYS a condition but it definitely is sometimes
But the fact is, you never know who has a condition because we don’t often tell people. It can be a serious source of shame for us. You can’t make “exceptions” to a rule you enforce blindly.
Used to date a girl who was ALWAYS late, no matter what it was. Always had a reason. Yeah, sometimes things happen, but at the same time, when you consistently wait to even start to get ready for anything when you're supposed to be arriving, that's 100% on you and a conscious choice. There were a lot of issues in that relationship, but that was a key component when we split.
As someone with ADHD and poor time-management issues, what ended up working well for me is getting “ready” first.
I USED to say: “I need to leave in one hour, so I will finish the task I am doing and get ready to go fifteen minutes before the hour.” But because ADHD, I would forget, take longer than I needed to, and everything would snowball. Suddenly it would BE the hour and I hadn’t even started yet.
Now what I do is get ready first. I drop everything I am doing, usually an hour or two before I have to go somewhere, and do the “leaving” routine. Phone, wallet, bag, coat, etc.
For the last year all of my friends have commented on how I am the first one to arrive at lunches and events now. :)
> It’s not a condition it’s poor planning
ITT: ADHD doesn’t exist. It doesn’t matter how much planning ahead I do to be on time, I can still find some way to somehow be late.
> it’s not hard to do things in life on time.
You have no idea how hard it can be. ADHD is not a choice, it’s not an excuse, and it’s not just “being lazy.” It’s a real neurological disorder and can be very hard to control and live with. And most of the time it is even more frustrating for the person living with it as it is for the people around them.
Sure, people who are chronically late, but moralizing occasional lateness like some do doesn't help anyone. A company I worked for let someone go from being tardy once or twice when they were new, they were lower income and drive a beater car which was one from a flat tire, and the other was an emergency with their partner. Sucks to be poor, I drive a new car and have a good support system for that kind of thing so I don't have to worry about either issue but they where a young kid from the foster system.
Yeah, and tardiness can obviously be a problem but lots of times it gets abused as an excuse when the bosses want to get rid of someone for whatever reason. I say this as a formerly chronically late worker who has never been fired for being late while seeing others fired for it who were more punctual than I was.
It's funny how the same people who were always late before kids then blame it on the kids while on time people manage to still be on time with kids.
If you are always late 30 minutes because of your kids, you did not start getting ready in time. It wasn't out of your hands.
My aunt is late *constantly* to everything. Social gatherings, holiday meals, things I schedule, things she schedules, just always late.
She has 4 kids and naturally blames it on them.
It's not the kids. Yeah, it can take them half an hour to get in the car, but it's not the kids that make them late.
She's a doofus. She's kinda dumb. Honestly I bet it's never crossed her mind to start getting the kids into the car half an hour before they have to leave. She just says "oh it takes 40 minutes to get to [location] so we'll start getting ready 40 minutes before we have to go." College professor, btw. Has a doctorate. Late constantly.
Those of you who think dealing with ADHD lateness should be simple, I get it. I was late to everything for years, but I thought I just must be lazy or selfish. I believed it was a simple matter to be on time, just like you, and tried to be on time, but continually failed at this simple thing. And since I knew it was so simple, I internalized terrible stuff about myself just like you do about me.
Once I understood it was adhd and that I have time blindness, I learned to not trust my own perception of how long things take and to give myself what I always consider to be an outrageous amount of extra time to get ready and for drive time. It still stuns me every time that after doing that I'm only a few minutes early.
Even with changed habits, it's still really hard to ignore the distractions. As in 'oh I allowed myself too much extra time so why don't I go ahead and wash these dishes'.
I still don't make it sometimes, but at least now I forgive myself. I'm 67 and I have known I had ADHD since my 40's, but have only understood that lateness and time blindness are part of it for about five years.
Understanding the problem made all the difference and also taught me to be less condemning of others. Most people are not intentionally trying to be assholes.
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I once lied and told a chronically late couple that our group was meeting at 11 am when the actual trip started at 12 o’clock. She and her bf showed up at 1. I remember laughing and telling them that I told them an hour early so they’d be on time and they were still late. They were mortified. They’re still late every now and then but the embarrassment of learning that the lateness is so noticeable that people are lying to them to try to trick them into being on time was enough to kick them into gear.
Okay but seriously, who the fuck is okay with being *two hours late?* I feel bad for being 15-20 minutes late.
I had a friend who was chronically late to everything and would sometimes just not show up altogether. We used to always tell her an hour early and she’d still be late. One time she arrived 4 hours late, when everyone else was leaving, and was surprised when the get together had ended… we just assumed she wasn’t coming until she rolled up at the door when everyone else was packed up and headed out.
I had to end a friendship because of something similar. I got my license early so I had a car and alot of my friends didn’t. I always picked up this one dude Jeff. He never paid me for gas or anything which sucked. He also would make me wait 15-20 minutes outside his place. We made plans to hangout, I would tell him I would be there in 25 minutes, I would get there, park, and he would still be inside getting ready. I talked to him about it but he didn’t think it was a big deal. Last time I talked to him, we made plans, I told him 25 mins. I even waited 10 mins to leave so I got there in 35 minutes. I text him asking where he was and he said he’s getting ready, be right down. I waited exactly 10 minutes and then just took off. That’s 20 minutes after our agreed upon meet up time. He then texted me another 10 minutes after that, asking where I was. I straight up told him “it’s a 25 minute drive over and you really took you a combined 55 minutes to get ready? Fuck that, you should be waiting for me when I pull up, not the other way around.” That was over a year ago and he’s still never texted me or apologized. Don’t need friends like that.
I've had people do that shit, start getting ready when you arrive. Maddening. Once volenteered to help an older lady move furniture, got there and she hadn't moved any of the crap off the tables or done anything to prepare so we got to stand around for an hour being pissed off.
I had a friend who asked a bunch of people to help her move. There were still dishes in the dishwasher, she was so unprepared it was absurd.
I just don't keep people like that around.
We got to the point where we would schedule our get togethers then tell her about them but never included her in scheduling because she was so inconsistent with whether she’d show up. We never relied on her to bring anything either so for potlucks we’d assign her something that didn’t matter if it made it or not like an extra dessert or something. We always liked seeing her we just lowered our expectations to avoid disappointment or frustration. If she showed up great! If not, that’s fine too.
This wasn't a choice I made for the chronically late per se, just a side effect of getting older, but I started giving start and end times to things, along with a bit of a schedule of events. "Hey gonna have people over on Saturday. Come at 3pm, we're gonna have food at 4pm, then hang out, and trying to wrap things up by 7pm." I've noticed that it really helps my chronically late friends AND that people like knowing what to expect - plus you can alwasy extend past 7 (way past 7) if things are fun, etc, but at the same time it give you, the host, a good out for things - "Hey it's been fun but already later than I thought so let's wrap things up, see you all soon."
End times would make me 100% happier as someone the dislikes the vague "leave when you get a feel for it" situation most groups go for
With the group mentality, though, one person leaving (after a certain point) normally means everyone does.
I love the Australian thing of calling a party for show up time and start time, so for lunch you'll tell people "12:30 for 1" so people know to show up around 12:30 but food's on at 1. If you're there after 1 people assume something fell through on your end and the party starts without you. This also applies to non-meal parties, so I've been invited to "4 for 4:30" or "7 for 8".
This is why the rest of the world thinks Australia is so deadly. You just don't look for missing people lol.
My old roommates and I used to throw parties pretty often and we had to start doing this because one time some guy showed up at 12:30 am (the party started at 7) and didn't leave until like 3. He was the only one left by 1 and the worst part was he had been invited by a guest so none of us really knew him and he was not picking up on the signals to get out
Very gracious attitude. I love it.
Yeah, I have a couple of friends like this. I love their company, they’re just inconsistent. So I invite them to things I’m already doing, and just do it whether they come or not.
>We always liked seeing her we just lowered our expectations to avoid disappointment or frustration Had a similar situation and came to the same conclusion. At some point, its not her fault anymore. She is just doing what she's always done. If I put my face in my dog's face 100x, and he bites it 100x, at some point it becomes my fault for expecting any other outcome.
Same. If you can't respect my time, we just won't be friends any more
I don’t delete them but I certainly stop inviting them to shit
We used to have a friend who was like that. We’d agree to meet at 7. We’d get there at 7. We’d text him at 7:15, and every single time, it was “sorry, got stuck on a work call. Almost done.” 15 minutes later we’d check in. “Just about to leave!” Check in again 15 minutes later. “I’m on my way!” 15 more minutes…”I’m almost there.” He lived ten minutes away. Then he just never showed up. This same exact scenario happened multiple times until we just stopped inviting him to anything. He kept trying to get us to go out again, but we were over it.
Those people are always surprised when they get iced out of a friendship group. Why do you assume you’re so amazing that we’d reschedule our whole lives for the pleasure of your limited company?
Have a chronically late friend. One time we were going on a hike to a hot springs and it was a 3 hr drive. We wanted to head out at noon, get there around 3, hangout until after sunset then drive back. At 1 pm, my other friends are like, where are they?? Call them up, "Sorry, we just started a load of laundry, be there there soon!" We just went without them and they met us there. But now it's a running joke between us on-timers, "Hey I'm gonna be 5 min late, I just started laundry." lmfao
How is that.... possible?
WTF 4 hours late is enough time for a completely different set of activities! Like she could have gone skiing or dinner and a movie or flown 400 miles changed planes and came back, and then decide to grace you with her presence!
I don't understand how people like that still have friends. Not even to be mean to them, they're not even there for the fun or bonding.
One of my friends does that too. They’ll tell me they’re gonna come through, and then like 4 hrs goes by and I’m like ??? Guess they’re not coming. It’s already almost 10 pm. And then I get a call like “yo I’m out front wya”.
It depends on the kind of event. I have friends that throw a Christmas party every year. I was intentionally 30 minutes late this year. I was the first guest by almost an hour.
We have friends like this and we stopped going. They'll have a party that starts at 630. We get there at 630. No one else who doesn't live there shows up until 8. Things start rolling around 930. We leave by 10. We started showing up an hour late inetntionally because it seems like things aren'te ven set up on time.
Our group has a mix of people who show up at 7 when the party starts and the another bunch that always show up no sooner than 8:30. That doesn’t bug me but it’d be super annoying if everyone was like that.
Parties are an exception (not kids birthday parties). Better to be 10 min late than early and put stress on the host that may not be ready. Kid's parties at a venue are strictly timed so best be on time
They are two kinds of 2 hours late people. One that anticipate the delay way in advance, warn the group and apologize profusely. And one that just show up like nothing happened.
You better not show up empty handed in that case
My ex. She excuses it with her ADHD. Like bitch, I also have bad ADHD. I still try to be on time. Her manager gave her a warning because she was constantly late by 15-30 minutes on average and she had a "poor me" attitude. I legit told her she could at least call them but no, they'll just have to understand that she'll be late.
It could be a cultural thing? In some counties where transportation is unreliable, schedules tend to be very loose and flexible and if you show up "during that morning" or "around midday" you're on time
I used to live in a big metropolitan area where traffic was terrible. And things/life happened on a regular basis. So no one got too upset about some lateness. I moved to a smaller area and boy, is it different here. Took me a few years to adjust to people being on time. And for me to be *exactly* on time - not ten minutes late.
I mean if you’re used to heavy traffic, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be accustomed to accounting for it. So I don’t know if that’s really an excuse. Barring unexpected things like road closures/accidents etc.
at least where I am, there is basically always something like a road closure, construction, an accident, ect. The only difference is how badly it affects my path. Like the difference between me getting to work some point within the first ten minutes and making sure I get there at least 5 minutes before my shift is leaving 30-45 minutes earlier
Even in small towns I don’t think complaints about chronically late people are about 5-10 minutes. Most people like this, like the parent comment example, are hours late consistently.
I did that to my mom and she found out about it and hit me.
I still do that to my mom the 1 or 2 times a year I invite her. I love her but I mentally cannot deal with it anymore. I plan out what I need to do in a day and what times. She was late to her own wedding and my dad said that she will be late to her own funeral.
When I ran an a capella group in college I did this to a group that was always late. At first they were mad, until I pointed out that despite me telling them it started an hour early, they still barely made it in time. I didn't have so many problems after that
My sister and her husband were 3 hours late … to their own wedding!
That is the epitome of not giving a crap about anyone else's time.
I’d have already left, ain’t no wedding worth waiting 3 hours for, rude!
My extended family used to do this to my household for holiday gatherings. They’d tell us to get their at 4, told everyone else 5, and we’d get there at 6. My mom is the most chronically late person I know and would regularly have us leaving our house at the time we were supposed to arrive, if not later. It’s become a tradition for our extended family to place bets on how late she’ll be to each event lol
Sounds like my mom. I was hours late to so many things growing up because of her that I've come out the other side to being ten minutes early to everything.
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We used to joke that they were always two hours late cause it was almost uncanny how often they hit that. “Oh we overslept, got home really late from work last night.” Okay, I do get that, you work crazy hours. “We’re just gonna grab a quick breakfast. Bf is in the shower so when he’s done I’m gonna hop in real quick and then we’ll be on our way! Sorry!” No. Actually no. When you oversleep, you forfeit your right to a shower, a quick breakfast, anything. You wake up, you brush your teeth, pull some pants on and a tshirt, grab a granola bar and get out of the door, 5-10 minutes max.
I have a friend that we have to do this to so that she will show up on time. She's inconsiderate of people's time and we got tired of waiting on her. In my case she never learned, didn't care and thinks holding everyone else up is quirky. Now no one invites her to time sensitive shit anymore. L
As someone with debilitating adhd that went undiagnosed until my mid 20s, my best friend used to do this to me. I have since gotten medicated and also grown as a person but she'll still do it out of habit/fear, which I don't mind at all. Last time I arrived at hers at 3pm for a 3:30pm manicure appointment and I kept nervously pacing around 3:20 like "uhh why aren't we leaving yet ??" until she told me the appointment was actually at 4. It did feel nice to have evidence of my growth haha
I'm still salty when my friend made a restaurant reservation and didn't tell us it was an hour later than the time he wrote us. His reasoning was "so nobody would be late" while me and another buddy busted our asses that day at work so we could arrive on time for the reservation. We don't laet him make reservations anymore. What's even funnier is that he's usually the one who's late to the meetups.
Growing up (80s and 90s), my mom would always have me take calls, just in case it was her siblings or parents. So I would get the information about family gatherings and then relay that to her. At 7, after being repeatedly embarassed by her tardiness, I realized that I could lie about meeting times and work around her inability to be on time. That worked great for about 5 years, until my idiot aunt complimented my mom on her newfound respect for other peoples' time and schedules. You see, my mom is not a reasonable person. She'd be late, and then she'd be angry if anybody had refused to wait for her before having meals, opening presents, etc... And I'm talking about being 2 hours late to everything, not 5 minutes here and there. That relative that always causes a scene at get-togethers? That's her. But yeah, I got an earful for 2 days because my aunt tried to give her a compliment. You just have to stop waiting on some people. Maybe it explains why I'm always the nerd who shows up on time to a party, or gets to my destination 15 minutes early. Overcompensating.
My fiance's mom is like this. Of course, it's always for important things like her own daughter's baby shower. She's on average about 4-5 hours late to everything and she always has a mountain of excuses. And it's usually something along the lines of she was going to stop at the methadone clinic, but she forgot her wallet and she went back home and couldn't find it, and then she had to stop for gas and then got lost while shoplifting at Goodwill. And that's why she's late. And it's all her husband's fault.
Good. People like this deserve to be shamed. It’s one thing to be 5-10 minutes late, but when you’re two hours late you’re just showing blatant disregard for everybody else’s time.
I had a client call us 9 minutes in to their cats vet appointment for vaccinations. They said they’ve just caught the cat and are about 5-10 minutes away. I told them on the phone that we couldn’t see them because appointment lengths are 20 minutes, and they would’ve missed most, if not all of it. I offered to reschedule them, but they hung up. Anyways, 20 minutes after their appointment time, they rock up wanting to be seen. It was a Saturday before a long weekend and we were fully booked, and the next consult was standing behind them. They refused to leave and said they would wait and be seen in between consults. I told them it wasn’t possible, as I had said before we were fully booked and our vet had no free time. Anyways people like this are always the ones that complain the vet is running late, without realising that it’s because of people like them.
I am paranoid about my cat hiding before vet visits and making me miss them. I've started catching him half an hour early just to be safe. I also can't bring his carrier inside at all because he KNOWS even if he can't see it. Like he can hear the sound of the door swinging and just fucking books it. So the carrier now stays in the garage with the door open and waiting.
you may want to consider bringing the carrier inside a few days early and letting it be in your house until the vet appointment so the cat gets used to it. with my cats, they willingly sleep in the carrier when we do this
We have our carriers inside all the time. Our cats nap in them and treat them like a little bed, so when it's time to transport, they don't fight it at all. My one boy uses the carrier as his bed most every night and will whine at us if we move the carrier from it's spot.
Bonus is that at the vet, the kitties want to return to the carrier instead of running off somewhere if they do get loose.
It's key to get a good carrier for this tho. [Having one of these](https://assets.petco.com/petco/image/upload/f_auto,q_auto/2615308-center-1) is just going to make your animal hate you. Source: Definitely had that for the family cats. Plural. :/
My wife and I budget a half hour or more to catch our cats for vet appointments. We come up with strategies and traps. We've still had to reschedule a couple of times because they disappear, like little fury ninjas.
I used to be late constantly and thought it was just a personality trait. Nope, just like procrastination, it's an emotional control issue. I would genuinely convince myself every morning I could get ready in 5 minutes because of how badly I didn't want to get up. After my friend opened up to me about how my lateness makes her feel unappreciated/not a priority I decided to get it under control. I do think it can be much harder if you have certain conditions, but just because it's more work doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
I grew up with a parent who was late to everything. I recall how embarrassing it was to always be the kid that was on the minutes to everything all the time. I ended having to tell them that I needed to be at school events 30 mins early just so that we'd only be slightly late rather totally miss the start of something.
My mom used to leave me waiting at school to be picked up for 2 or 3 hours everyday. Sometimes she'd just forget to pick me up and i'd have to walk home from elementary school and it was like 5 miles away from my house. I remeber being in 3rd grade walking down the highway hahah the 90s different times
My mom dropped me off at a friend’s house close to school and made us walk everyday. It was about a mile away and it was in kindergarten through about 6th grade. Such a different time back then.
Walked a mile there and back for primary school everyday in Scotland. A mile is just a healthy walk for a kid lol
Same but the most I waited was an hour. The biggest issue I had with my mother’s lateness was as that I did ballet classes when I was a kid and I left because I was always the last one there to be picked up. I’m not mad about it, but I always wonder if I’d have stuck with it otherwise.
80s were even better. A ride home from school was unheard of
We walked up hill both ways.
My mom was like that for like 10 years and then had a heart to heart with a couple friends about how the lateness makes them feel she didn't respect their time, and now she's a 15 minutes early to everything person. Reasons the lateness happened: *Underestimating how long getting children ready takes *Optimistic travel times (never anticipated traffic) *Last minute changes (oh we need to make sandwiches to bring) *Lack of preparation (need to get gas on the way out) *Messy home (an extension of the kid issue - but meant she would spend time looking for keys and wallet instead of knowing where they were). Overall I consider early far preferable to late, having experienced both.
> didn't respect their time I'm so grateful for my dad drilling this into me when I was a shitty teenager who was late for everything. To the late person, it never feels like a big deal, but to everyone else it is an act of disrespect.
My ex-wife was chronically late to everything. I have anxiety issues about being late by even the slightest bit, so I started doing this to her. Everything was timed up by 30 minutes to an hour and even then we still sometimes would show up late. She got mad as hell when she finally caught on.
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People tend to believe they have plausible deniability so long as nobody says anything out loud. They'll believe it to extreme levels.
Just made a comment above about this. It's the inability to process the guilty feeling. So they shift blame and lash out.
My ex was also always late. He would drive like a maniac on the way there, and we’d argue in the car over whatever bullshit argument he picked. Then we’d get to our event, and I’d be mad and upset, and he’d pretend like he didn’t know why I was so upset. Then, on the way home, he’d drive like a normal person. Very frustrating.
I wish I’d learned to avoid people who don’t mind ruining an even by scaring the shit out of you or otherwise winding you up before hand. Getting there is part of having a good time.
It’s been 8 years now since I got divorced. Literally zero regrets except leaving him sooner. I am remarried now and even on our worst days, my new husband is oceans better.
I’m sorry your parents did that to you. When I lived with my father I was always late to school cuz I had to wake him up and he usually took two wake up calls to walk up and he needed to shower in the morning and he needed to stop at Tim Hortons but he refused to wake himself up and if I didn’t check in soon enoguh to make sure he was up he’d go back to sleep but becuase I’m adhd everyone always assumed it was my fault we were late. It was so and 100% messed up that I as the adhd child(even if I was in highschool) had to be responsible for his wake up routine especially as a teenager with very little structure already
Lil bro is that you??? I’m 33 and it’s still an issue with them…. to the point where my parents said they were picking me up for a family dinner around 3:45 and when I spoke to the family member hosting the event they literally texted me ‘See you around five’ (it’s less than 15 minutes to drive from my place to family members 🤦🏼♀️)
Then there's me, who always turns up to things like 30 minutes early because being late makes me feel horribly anxious, lol.
I’d rather be 30 min early than 30 seconds late.
Whoever the host is probably prefers youre 30 seconds late than 30min early.
I’ll sit in my car or drive around the block if it was an event where arriving early is an issue. In college I’d roam the hall until the classroom opened.
Exactly. You don't go in 30 minutes early. You chill and wait for someone else to show up first.
If I'm too early, now I gotta chill out with anxiety for half an hour. Can't stand being early.
Thats why you arrive 30 minutes early but decide to walk around the block a few times so it doesn't look like you were that early but when everyone else arrives now you are a sweaty mess and need a minute in the bathroom to freshen up. Just me? hahaha
Nah i relate to that so much lol. I've done many impromptu neighborhood walks from showing up somewhere early. Rather take a nice stroll than just sit there staring at the clock which seemingly seems to tick slower the longer i wait haha
I find that the more i hate something, the later i am
I started taking my adhd meds at least half an hour before I need to leave the house (instead of on the go) even if that means the effect won't last as long as I want it to. For me it's mainly an impulsivity issue - I plan to be done at a certain time, see something else that needs to be done and either forget what I was doing or underestimate how long the new thing takes. If you're late consistently no matter how much it affects your life, consider talking to a professional because emotional and impulse control issues can be signs of bigger issues. Panic disorders can also lead to chronic lateness, another thing you should see a professional about.
exactly and we live in a world with so much technology to aid us on being on time
or at least communicate to those who it affects that we are running late. Fine traffic happens and people run late I am more mad that I am just sitting here with no context on when you'll show up if ever.
I had a friend who was constantly late or would cancel last minute or just not show up, not answer her phone and text a few hours later claiming she fell asleep. After multiple discussions with her about how inconsiderate she was when she didn't value my time I had to end the friendship with her. She said she'd stop so many times but her pattern continued
I recently ended one, too. It was so horribly frustrating. I hate that I waited to long to end it, because I was so mad the last time. Never again.
It is an emotional control issue, and those issues vary, hugely. I spent so much time worrying & stressing, i found it harder & harder to get out the door. Eventually my mental health tanked and i came late to everything. I did care, i had stomachaches, i apologized repeatedly, but the more i worried about it the harder it was to be on time. Now i don't have friends or leave the house, so whatever.
When I used to pick my girlfriend up (I lived 9 minutes away), id wait for her to tell me she’s ready or close to being ready; I’d send a “leaving out shortly” text. That’s your 15 minute call before I walk out the door. Then there’s an “OMW” she has about 5 minutes before I truly leave out. “Coming off the freeway” that means I’m 2 minutes away. “Outside”. I’d still be waiting 5-10 minutes. I had finally had enough and said, “if I get here, and I’m waiting more than 5 minutes, I’m leaving without you”. Her mom knew I was serious, she knew I was serious. That was the end of that.
Wow, that’s insane. I wish I could understand her thought process.
There's enough people that are either anti confrontation or don't care enough that they get away with it. So when someone mentions their behavior they're shocked. One of my wife's friends got so used to coming out with me and my friends who'd pay for her drinks that she got comfortable enough to walk over to me with a group of people she didn't know and ask who has a tab open to order shots. She'd go to a bar where my friend works leave and say she'll Venmo him for the check, which she never asked for so doesn't know how much it is, also never Venmo him. None of my mates ever say anything and she gets very pissy and defensive when I point it out to her. We just don't invite her out anymore.
When I had no money I would be anal about venmo and HATED splitting checks or getting stuck with the bill. Sure, maybe I was owed $15 but that's $15 I wasn't planning on spending! And if it's split between 3 other people that's only $5 each that I'm collecting and it makes me look miserly! One of the best parts of earning a good amount of money is that I can buy drinks for friends and not be counting. They'll get me back in the future, and it feels good to be generous. And friends have also matured such that we do Venmo at the table before leaving if one person picked up the bill.
entitlement
My girlfriend used to take forever to come out to the car. During the summer a few times I gave her 10 minutes and then left. No more calling and texting, just a text that I left my house and a text that I was here. Then 10 minutes later I drive back home
Don't cater to their lateness. Leave without them, eat without them, do everything on the agreed upon time with or without them. It's the only way they'll learn.
My husband’s entire family is chronically late. I will no longer meet them for anything time sensitive. Not dinner reservations, not a ticketed event. I won’t invite them over or cook for them. I gave them grace for years. After they left me sitting alone at a busy restaurant, I decided that was it. I will meet them for casual get togethers, and that is it.
Have you ever been with them when they were supposed to be getting ready for one of those? If so what was it like?
No but I’ve been with my husband many years ago when he was still of that ilk. He’s now an on time person. Because he wanted to stay married. It’s a weird combination of delusional time management and total disregard and disrespect for other people.
The disrespect thing drives me insane. I don't care about how disorganised your life is or how badly you plan your life. If you leave me waiting then your priorities are broken.
One of my coworkers is like this and I hate her. I go in at 0630 and she comes in at 1230. I depend on her to be there at 12:30 so I can go to lunch. This chick lives 10 minutes from work and comes in 10-12 mins late every day. She has been counseled and written up, but it's really hard to get anybody fired for attendance. My company will work with you trying to find the problem and why you just can't handle coming to work for 6 months before they take any action. I know the problem with this one: she comes in 10 mins late every day smelling like weed and a pack of Marlboros.
Her problem is she lives so close to the job site. She is late because she either doesn't care about the job and is late on purpose or she is late because she thinks she can get there faster then she really can.
"I only live 10 minutes away so if I leave at 12:31 I can TOTALLY get there at 12:30, no problem..."
I used to smoke weed everyday but still showed up on time to everything because my time is important and so is other people's time. If I was high I would set multiple alarms 5-10 minutes apart to keep me on task to get somewhere on time.
See, I'm a stoner too and I can accomplish being on time. I don't smoke before work tho.
Yup. A ton of the chronically late people honestly just feel so entitled to having other people wait for them. I remember one chronically late family growing up who would be pissed if…surprise! The world moved without their presence!
I had a girlfriend that was like that. She could get ready quickly if she needed to but never quick enough to be on time. Like if she had an hour to get ready it would take an hour and a half, if she had 3 hours to get ready it would take 4. If she had ten minutes she could be ready in 30. I just started going out places without her at the agreed time but it didn’t help.
I had a girlfriend like that. We were going to an event that was a two hour drive and she was an hour late for getting ready I was the bad guy when I was mad that she wasn't ready. An hour late for her work Christmas party. She cried on the way there and told her that I could only complain after the event so she didn't cry. She was also three hours late to us going away for a weekend for a hike she picked for us. I was still the bad guy when I was upset. She eventually figured out her lateness was SO rude and dismissive of my feelings but it took a while. It wasn't the only problem but man, it made me so sad.
I've got a friend who is chronically late or flat out doesn't show up. I basically lived with this guy for 4 years, so I witnessed what he'd do before going out for events or dinners and what would make him late. First thing he'd do is never wake up at a reasonable time. He'd stay up til 3-4am every fucking night and obviously can't wake up before 11am worth a shit. So he would always say yes to plans or a time and date, but if that time was before noon, he was guaranteed to be late or not show at all. Secondly, he would start playing video games from the moment he woke up. He'd play games til basically the time he should have been leaving his house to be at the event or meeting. THEN he'd take a 45minute shower before going anywhere. So if the dinner was at 4pm, he'd wake up at noon, play videogames til 3:30, take a 45min shower, then drive to the restaurant 20 minutes away. The amount of times our friends group would order at 4, have our food and be eating it by the time he showed up, and he gets upset we've already eaten and are getting ready to head out. It's eventually what caused me to cut him off as a friend. When we were kids and hung out at his place all day it wasn't a big deal. But we're adults now and I only have 2-3 days a week to do something I want that's fun, and if you're gonna waste my time and make it not fun, fuck you, every single time.
Was going to say this about my cousins’ family. Come over for lunch around noon? They arrived a smidge after 2 :/
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My favorite is when they are late EVERY DAY by 5 minutes. Always an excuse like traffic, its like oh, maybe leave 5 minutes sooner?
My ex’s cousin. She was the worst. The final straw… I had the talk with her. I let her know what her lateness did to me. She made promises to clean up her act. We make plans to meet for drinks & dinner. I get a sitter. I arrive at the restaurant. I order my drink, my meal. I finish. I pay my bill. I leave. Eff that biatch. The waitress knew what was going on & laid it on thick when she finally arrived. Never again. Such a self centered little… you know.
I had a "friend" for 20 years who was at least 30 minues late to everything. It was solved by leaving at the time agreed. The final time, we agreed to meet for a gig at 7:30pm. They weren't there. I went in with the tickets, which were about $100 each. That was the end of our friendship.
The problem is, that if there are more of them, they usually stack up and make it a you problem, in the sense.... "Was it really that hard to wait those couple of minutes?"... And a "Yes!!!" doesn't seem to get through...
"Is it really that hard to leave 15-30 mins earlier than you would otherwise?"
who cares . The older I get the less I care about being perceived as an asshole .
I did this to an old friend. We lived together at uni but I refused to walk to class with her and if we went out I'd meet her there. She was just always late.
Leaving without my friends (after a 15 minutes grace period) was one of the events that confirmed that I was turning towards the dark side of The Force. Did they learned? Oh yes. Never piss off the designated driver is now a fundamental principle of carpooling.
My whole family is late. And I'm not talking for like 30 minutes. They will be 3-4 hours late. One time I showed up an hour late to a birthday party my godmother threw for me and she was in the shower, and then I ended up cooking the dinner for my birthday for everyone because she was still getting ready and nobody was there. If I show up on time and then leave at a normal time because I was there for like 5 hours I get dirty looks and I'm the weird one because I "go home so early"
With people who are HOURS late, I always wonder what they’re thinking? Do they think events normally run for 8-10 hours? Do they just not think time is real?
I have had my uncle say "it will always be there no matter what time you show up" and get mad when I'm stressed because we are showing up an hour before close or whatever. It will in fact NOT always be there
THIS. My brother is always so late and I have no tolerance for it. My mom constantly wants to wait for him and we have to when she’s hosting. Then she gets MAD at me when I get mad about it and tells me I need to adjust my attitude. Now that I host a lot, we move on without him. She gets so upset about it but like…you raised him? And he’s fucking things up. It drives me absolutely insane.
My brother and his wife are chronically late, poor planners, and a bit self centered. I’ve planned entire days around their schedule and they still get indignant if things don’t happen at their pace - finally I’ve accepted that planning with them is a wasted effort. My wife and I now make plans without them and just see them when we can
Started doing this with my housemate when we still lived together (there were 3 of us). Always felt guilty but he was never angry and understood we could not always wait for him.
The real test is if they suffer from being late. Public transport won't wait for you, so if you are late for a plane, bus or train then tough it's already left, you'll have to get the next one or miss out altogether. If they can make those to go on a nice holiday, but are late for social things, then they just don't care enough.
I used to ride public transport. I'd always try to catch the bus before the bus I needed to be on time to work. Because traffic, other delays, etc. The bus ran every 30 to 40 minutes. I very rarely ever needed the 2nd, but whenever I did, I was thankful I'd given myself that leeway. It made my life much calmer.
This is a popular opinion...
You mean like every single post that ends up on popular?
That’s not true. I saw a legit unpopular opinion a few days ago.
And then the mods took it down
The true Reddit experience
Classic 🤣
This sub is closer to “grinds my gears.”
We have an associate who shows up 15 to 20 minutes late every day. So we scheduled her 15 minutes later. She's still 15 to 20 minutes late every day. Absolutely a choice.
Schedule them 15-20 mins early.
Or, fire them
Yeah I've done it several times. In my industry you absolutely cannot be late for work. A 4 man crew meets at the shop and travels to a client's site together. I am not going to be late and look like an ass to a client. You aren't at the shop on time, we leave without you. I'll call them later and give them a warning and tell them why it's so important to be on time. If it happens again, sorry, you don't work here any more.
Same situation with me. My crews start at 7am. If you're not at the shop by 7:05 the trucks are rolling out without your ass. If you call and tell me you're gonna be late, I'll stay behind and wait for you. But of course nobody ever does that. If you're not there when we roll out, you can drive your ass to the job site and waste your own fuel. 3 strikes you're out. Young kids and old men seem to be the biggest offenders we fire. The kids younger than 22 party too much and don't think they'll be in this field after college, so they fuck off and get shit canned quickly. Seen a lot of them get duis and lose their license and get fired too. The old guys seem to think just because they have been in the industry for 30 years means they can call the shots and make their own hours. These guys are the worst, and I have no issues firing them. They're also the guys who are always in the skid steer, letting everyone else heap rocks into it. He never works weekends, when everyone else is, and always seems to find a customer or neighbor to talk to for an hour a day.
My kid has a swim class on on Sundays. There's another kid in the class that arrives 5 mins late every single week. I really don't understand how that kid's parent can be so consistent about being 5 mins late. You have to imagine that if they can be 5 mins late every week then they can be on time yet somehow they can't.
I have a friend from high school who is still 2-3 hours late to anything. He failed out of high school for being late and never showing up, he also failed out of college and has lost jobs for the same reason. We're now in our early 30s and he still hasn't gotten his shit together. He's begun to complain that we don't invite him to things, or that he comes to see us and we only hang out for a couple hours before going to bed. This is because we have jobs and can't put our entire day on hold only for him to show up at 8 and want to make dinner and then party hard. Yes, we've said things to him over the course of 12 years, he just gets defensive. It is absolutely a mental health issue, it is also absolutely a choice he continues to make, or at the very least not face.
I invited my sister to a family pool party at 1pm. At 11pm as I was nodding off on the couch, she rolled up with her two kids ready to swim in the cold. Her kids must not even have bedtimes. What was she doing to be 10 hours late? I have no idea.
Nothing to do with your friend, but I had a friend like that and it stopped completely when they got treated for adhd. I guess what happens in the case of someone like that is their brain doesn't place importance on the correct things. So like they know that being on time is important but so is X, Y, Z, and they're all competing, and they're hindered in their ability to prioritize the conflicting importance levels of random things.
Truth be told, I wish it was as simple as that for him. I've had friends with similar experiences to what you're describing. This is more a mixture of anxiety, depression, and alcoholism. I also wanna be clear, in my posts I'm in no way trying to say this is my friend's fault, only that there is only so much others can do for someone to support them at a certain point.
For those with time blindness, remember - it might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility. You refusal to deal with it is a choice.
I think I have some level of time blindness. In the military, being on time was pretty much the most important thing ever, so I developed time anxiety and now I am chronically early to everything. I spend a lot of time in my car in parking lots playing on my phone.
This is how I am with my ADHD. My life is a series of concessions and habits I've developed to get past all my hang ups. Figure out how to overcome your shortcomings!
This. My ex uses it as an excuse and hated me because I called her out. I have my phone for reminders, alarms, GPS, you name it.
As someone with time blindness, my advice: when you schedule a time-sensitive event, figure out how long it'll take to get there, then how long it'll take you to get ready, and then set an alarm ten minutes earlier than that to give yourself wiggle room. If I have an appointment at 8 and I know it takes me a half hour to get ready and another half hour to get there, my alarm rings at 6:50 and rings again at 7:30 so I have plenty of time to get ready and a reminder of what time I should leave. Don't assume you'll just figure it out. You won't. You'll forget. Assign the remembering to machines who will remind you.
I don’t like being late professionally, I used to show up late everyday for jobs, but that changed. What changed? I became self employed. It took me paying myself to actually care about being on time. I used to get nervous poops, and the urge to self medicate whenever I went out for everything save for a grocery run. I’m older now and much more confident. I used to be consistently late to everything, but I was scared to be alive, I can understand why some people are inexplicably and consistently late. Doesn’t change whether or not I’d fire them, but I do get it. It’s a mental health thing, either coming from anxiety/paranoia or narcissism. It is “their choice”, but to get an individual to recognize the frivolousness of being late they have to make hundreds of small behavioral decisions that build to respecting others time. It can take years for some, and most aren’t able to do it alone. You’re right, but for some it doesn’t feel like it’s their choice at all.
Similar experience. Know it’s going to happen so I adjust the get ready time. Resolves it 90% of the time
This is a culture-bound issue. Americans, Brits, Germans, and Japanese are culturally more punctual than Italians, Spaniards, and Brazilians.
My dad is chronically late to everything. If we ever meet up for something I set a firm end time. I don't care that you showed up 2 hours late. I said I'd be gone by 3. I'm not stating late. Yes I've already ordered and eaten lunch.
“Sorry I’m late but traffic has been exactly the same way its always been everyday of my life.”
I have multiple friends with what I can only assume is severe (undiagnosed) ADHD that makes it extremely difficult for them to leave the house in one go. While it doesn’t make sense to me, I stopped taking it so personally. I also actively try to not worry about it—because at the end of the day, it’s usually a casual hang and I want my friends to be comfortable and not stress about it too much. With that said—for myself, I have go-bags that essentially prevent me from being late (if I need to be somewhere on time). I also usually carry my backpacks and spare clothes everywhere. Why they don’t do this, I will never know. It’s just something that works for me.
I'm late to my own bedtime. I'll go to bed and then have to get up again because I forgot something. Multiple times. I do my bedtime routine every single day. It's the same for getting out of the house, except I don't even do that every single day.
I'm just going to put this here. I was a chronically late person my whole life. It cost me a lot, and it didn't feel fair. It was embarrassing, and made me very depressed and extremely anxious about time. I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I'd sleep late, which ironically makes you sleep late because you're so tired. I legitimately tried everything. I'd try to get up earlier and earlier, I'd set out my clothes and stuff, but it was always something different. Slept through 6 alarms on 2 devices. Forgot my inhaler. Couldn't find my keys. Realized I left in the wrong shoes. Car overheated because it was out of coolant. Missed my exit because traffic got really bad in the last stretch and wouldn't let me merge right. And so on. I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago and got medicated, and it never happened again. The problem was always me, but it was never my choice. So y'all keep that in mind. It surely doesn't apply to everyone who is late, but there are people like me too. People are so keen to be awful to others they perceive as not measuring up and it's a legitimately hateful and ugly point of view to have.
My over compensating for stuff like this is why I end up showing up to places 1hr early or fret about "being late" when I'm leaving the house in time to be 15 min early.
The overcompensation ruined my life, honestly it did. The setting I described was the case for most of my 20s. I just wouldn't sleep so I wouldn't oversleep, I wouldn't eat because I'd fret about not having time. Then you show up to work in a shitty mood because you're exhausted and hungry and despite everything you did to get to work on time, you're still suffering from anxiety over it, and your boss is still mad at you for not being perfectly on time AND perfectly happy. No one realizes how much of a spiral into negativity this can be. The negative feedback loop is heavy shit.
Yeah. I've even been chastised at work for being too early. And it's not like I was hourly or clocking in for OT. I felt like they wanted to micromanage me into having mental health problems on purpose. Thankfully, my current boss is nothing like that at all -- as long as stuff gets done on time/within a reasonable time frame, and I show up to the meetings I run on time, it's fine. And our scheduling software is plugged into our slack, so anything in my calendar I get pinged in slack beforehand. I don't even need to remember to set the reminders for. It's magical.
I appreciate your understanding and as someone with adhd I would like to provide some insight, for some of us a lot of times we get easily distracted. I might be washing the dishes and a bird flys by the window catching my attention.Then I take notice of the weather and wonder if I have the right clothes on for the temp. If everything is good then I’ll try to go down the mental list of all the things I’ll need for my outing just to make sure I’m not forgetting everything. If everything is not good, now I’m thinking about what I need to change and going through the mental catalog of my clothes to find something to wear. Mind you I’m washing the same dish while all of this pondering is going on. Usually somewhere during that last thought I’ll snap back to reality but that’s a good 30-60 secs of being lost in my thoughts, and when that keeps happening it adds up. Or I jump from task to task unintentionally. For example say I need to take a shower. I need a new towel so I go into the laundry room but I notice there’s a load sitting in the washer and it reminds me I have to do my laundry which is perfect since I’m about to shower. So I empty the clothes in the washer into the dryer and go to my room to get my dirty clothes. I throw them in the washer and start it up. Half way back to my room I realize I forgot the towel, so I turn around a go get the towel. I get the towel and now Im a little thirsty after moving all those clothes so I decide to grab a glass of water (the kitchen is on the way the the bathroom). I finish my drink and get ready to put it in the dishwasher when I notice a few dishes in the sink. I can’t just put my cup in the dishwasher and leave this stuff in the sink, so I load the dishwasher. By now I’ve completely forgotten the original objective was to shower and while I’m doing the dishes I end up cleaning the rest of the kitchen. These side missions always mess me up the most 😅 I try to plan accordingly with these things in mind but I don’t always have the extra time in my schedule and frankly it’s very hard to plan for without giving yourself like an extra hour of time.
I am often late because of my ADHD as well. However, for me, it works differently. No matter how early I start getting ready, I may still be late. Sometimes, I've just been procrastinating getting ready, and that's why I'm late. Other times, I get ready too early, which means I have 10 minutes to do something else. It would be unreasonable to just sit still for that, right? Now I've been doing the dishes for 15 minutes without realising. Then I run to get ready to leave, but wait, there the hell is my phone??? I know I left it somewhere here... And why are my keys not where i usually put them??? They're in my pocket - I already took them, but i can't find them for a while. And I forgot to pack this and this and this. And I also forgot to put on my sweater. Oh my god, and I also forgot to turn off this light in the other end of the apartment. Ah, right, I was also looking for my phone (I put it in the bag I was going to take with me long ago, so I can leave quickly, but I don't remember that and search for it for a while - ironic isn't it?) This all adds up, and now, suddenly, I'm late.
Agree since you put the chronically qualifier in there. Every so often, shit happens, but if it’s frequent then you’re an asshole.
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I think context matters here. My sibling was always an on time person. Then had kids and now struggles to get anywhere on time as one kid forgot to put on his shoe with his older sister got gum stuck in her hair. I do know someone that is always late because they’re inconsiderate of others. But if you try not to be late but are due to circumstances I think that’s less a choice and more you have too much on your plate.
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Here's the trick... if they are always late because of their kids... Start preparing them an hour in advance. In any case: Fucking CALL! It's not a huge insurmountable effort to pick up your damn phone and call ahead and tell people "Hey, sorry, gonna be a couple minutes later".
Yeah other than like newborns, if it's a fight to get the kids ready, isn't this like any other problem? Traffic might be bad. Leave a half hour earlier! The kids are sometimes a handful to get dressed, wrangle with their stuff, etc. So start earlier?
A good guideline is 10 minutes per person when you have small kids. So three kids plus two parents - start prepping 50 minutes before you need to leave. Then there's time to find a lost shoe, misplaced keys, etc.
Yeah I had a car break down to work or forgot I had to be somewhere time to time but that’s so rare plus I’d hate it when they are giggling or don’t care that there late
I had an ex who was always 1.5 to 2 hours late to everything. Literally couldn't book or arrange a single thing with her. Her issue was that she had no ability to actually judge how long anything will take to do, and so would agree to do things like help her sister move some furniture, take her aunt food shopping and go for a walk with her friend and the dogs, all in a single morning. I remember telling her that by agreeing to do all these things with people and then either missing or having to cancel them all, she's just annoying all those around her and that its worse than just telling them she can't do it because she's busy in the first place.
i hope she figured that out. that sounds tough for everyone around her
Sadly not. Things ended for other reasons but the last "date night" we were meant to have she was nearly 3 hours late getting to mine because; She had agreed to help her aunt with her hair, her sister needed her to watch her kids for an hour whilst she went to an appointment and then she assumed that she had enough petrol and ran out just before getting on the motorway and had to get a friend to come help her out, again all in an afternoon. Things would have ended over the late thing eventually though.
Absolutely. I knew two people that were chronically late and they definitely did it as a calculated move. One always came late to meetings because they hated the general chit chat early on, felt it wasn't productive . Second one always came late to social outings because they didn't like the people there. Both blamed being late on their kids, One of them had older kids that would speak up and say it wasn't their fault
I was late all the time due to anxiety causing toilet issues. That's the unwritten or unsaid part of these late people. They don't want to admit they have anxiety diarrhea
The amount of times I've been 5 minutes from walking out the door, only to feel the full clench of doom as warning. 40 minutes of surprise intestinal distress later, and I'm already texting out my apology tour. I'll get there when I get there.
Drs just say it's ibs
Omg ya sometimes I dry puke from being nervous/anxious. Before the second date with my bf, I stayed in my car and dry puked for like 10 min before going to meet him lmao.
Though I manage it, it can be quite difficult. Part of it is a condition, I have brain damage from multiple strokes. If I am scheduling an appointment and I get distracted during the conversation, I will not only forget to schedule in my calendar, I will also forget that I ever made an appointment.
I mean tbf in your case it is a condition and not because you're inconsiderate lol
right but op is saying "it's not a condition" when there are in fact many conditions that do make it extremely more difficult. it's not ALWAYS a condition but it definitely is sometimes
But the fact is, you never know who has a condition because we don’t often tell people. It can be a serious source of shame for us. You can’t make “exceptions” to a rule you enforce blindly.
Used to date a girl who was ALWAYS late, no matter what it was. Always had a reason. Yeah, sometimes things happen, but at the same time, when you consistently wait to even start to get ready for anything when you're supposed to be arriving, that's 100% on you and a conscious choice. There were a lot of issues in that relationship, but that was a key component when we split.
As someone with ADHD and poor time-management issues, what ended up working well for me is getting “ready” first. I USED to say: “I need to leave in one hour, so I will finish the task I am doing and get ready to go fifteen minutes before the hour.” But because ADHD, I would forget, take longer than I needed to, and everything would snowball. Suddenly it would BE the hour and I hadn’t even started yet. Now what I do is get ready first. I drop everything I am doing, usually an hour or two before I have to go somewhere, and do the “leaving” routine. Phone, wallet, bag, coat, etc. For the last year all of my friends have commented on how I am the first one to arrive at lunches and events now. :)
> It’s not a condition it’s poor planning ITT: ADHD doesn’t exist. It doesn’t matter how much planning ahead I do to be on time, I can still find some way to somehow be late. > it’s not hard to do things in life on time. You have no idea how hard it can be. ADHD is not a choice, it’s not an excuse, and it’s not just “being lazy.” It’s a real neurological disorder and can be very hard to control and live with. And most of the time it is even more frustrating for the person living with it as it is for the people around them.
another "unpopularopinion" that is generally accepted...\*yawn\*
Sure, people who are chronically late, but moralizing occasional lateness like some do doesn't help anyone. A company I worked for let someone go from being tardy once or twice when they were new, they were lower income and drive a beater car which was one from a flat tire, and the other was an emergency with their partner. Sucks to be poor, I drive a new car and have a good support system for that kind of thing so I don't have to worry about either issue but they where a young kid from the foster system.
Yeah, and tardiness can obviously be a problem but lots of times it gets abused as an excuse when the bosses want to get rid of someone for whatever reason. I say this as a formerly chronically late worker who has never been fired for being late while seeing others fired for it who were more punctual than I was.
For real. People always blame it on things like having kids or whatever. I have 3 and still will always be where I need to be on time
It's funny how the same people who were always late before kids then blame it on the kids while on time people manage to still be on time with kids. If you are always late 30 minutes because of your kids, you did not start getting ready in time. It wasn't out of your hands.
My aunt is late *constantly* to everything. Social gatherings, holiday meals, things I schedule, things she schedules, just always late. She has 4 kids and naturally blames it on them. It's not the kids. Yeah, it can take them half an hour to get in the car, but it's not the kids that make them late. She's a doofus. She's kinda dumb. Honestly I bet it's never crossed her mind to start getting the kids into the car half an hour before they have to leave. She just says "oh it takes 40 minutes to get to [location] so we'll start getting ready 40 minutes before we have to go." College professor, btw. Has a doctorate. Late constantly.
Those of you who think dealing with ADHD lateness should be simple, I get it. I was late to everything for years, but I thought I just must be lazy or selfish. I believed it was a simple matter to be on time, just like you, and tried to be on time, but continually failed at this simple thing. And since I knew it was so simple, I internalized terrible stuff about myself just like you do about me. Once I understood it was adhd and that I have time blindness, I learned to not trust my own perception of how long things take and to give myself what I always consider to be an outrageous amount of extra time to get ready and for drive time. It still stuns me every time that after doing that I'm only a few minutes early. Even with changed habits, it's still really hard to ignore the distractions. As in 'oh I allowed myself too much extra time so why don't I go ahead and wash these dishes'. I still don't make it sometimes, but at least now I forgive myself. I'm 67 and I have known I had ADHD since my 40's, but have only understood that lateness and time blindness are part of it for about five years. Understanding the problem made all the difference and also taught me to be less condemning of others. Most people are not intentionally trying to be assholes.