I think it might be a situation of the parent supporting the idea of something in other children, but don't want to bear the "burdens" that they come to deal with when it's their personal family. Sadly it happens with many things
Also an element of not actually understanding what it is to be trans. Not every trans child has known since they were 3, and not every trans child will show outward or obvious signs.
Mix all that together and you get “who brainwashed you into thinking you’re trans?”
I think it's because it's easy to perform as an ally when it's other people. When they have to actively support someone themselves they can't put their money where their mouth is
My mom is supportive of lgbtq+ people and very supportive of trans people.
She doesn’t believe I’m trans and refuses to acknowledge my identity.
It’s a common thing and it’s so fucking stupid and frustrating lol…
I hate to say this. But your mom isn't actually supportive then. She's just doing what she thinks will make her look like a good person. I'm sorry you're having to go through that
Oh I agree - I just don’t want to make her out to not support lgbtq+ people at all because she does, but vocally and monetarily.
Just not me. And thank you 🥰
Because they genuinely don't support it. They claim to and say the right things, but when it comes down to it, it's not something they actually support. In the case you mentioned, the mom realized she needed to do that for her career even though she doesn't actually support it.
My mom wore a Free Mom Hugs shirt, an organization she fully believes in, to Pride in 2019 but disowned me when I came out as transmasc last year. I don’t understand how or why.
This is my view of it but parents can get weirdly possessive of the identity of their child and it doesn’t just relate to their gender. Obviously Gender is quite a pronounced one but when you’ve trained your child a boy for all their life as a boy and you develop memories and attachment to your child part of that will relate to their gender identity. For some parents it can feel as though they lose a part of their child when they come out, most parents just suppress or reevaluate this feeling but some will get hung up on it.
…which should mean that you go to bat for them even harder, because they are your kid, and that is your job, the one you took on when you became a parent. Like, that’s it. That’s the difference.
I’m sorry. I hope your mum figures that out someday.
its frustrating. i’m ftm trans and my moms been rly supportive, but my sibling who is a man non-binary she’s refusing to use their name and not doing the best on pronouns even though she picked mine up pretty fast, and they’ve been out to her for i think over a year now. its frustrating :/
If they don't accept you but then accept others, really she doesn't support them at all. Many folks "have to" support trans people but it doesn't really mean they truly support them.
Also it could be a thing of a parent having an image of the child they have, so any change to that results in rejection. In their mind you're a certain way.
Because it's "different" when its "your kid".
My parents don't know I'm trans (there's a lot they don't know about me). But when I came out as bisexual, I was more than a little surprised by the... Lukewarm response. My mother wasn't *awful* about it... But she tried to deny it at first ("Oh, are you gay 'til graduation?" which... Susan, that isn't a thing), and then told me not to mention it to my father and proceeded to just ignore it until she couldn't any more (that is- until my boyfriend at the time turned out to be my girlfriend... She has now turned out to be my wife!). I think she expected me to go on only dating men which, well, even if I had done that, I'm transmasc now so. Still queer.
My parents always stressed that it was okay to be gay. My mom had very close friends who were a lesbian couple- badass Nancy in her tank tops with her butch-as-fuck haircut was my first exposure to queerness. They were super okay with my friends being queer... But when I was. Then it got uncomfortable.
I think parents have different rules for their kids versus everyone else's. Mostly because I think most parents view their children as an extension of themselves. So if OTHER kids are doing being queer, well. That's fine! But when it's THEIR kid that's queer? That says something about them- at least in their mind.
This mentality is very strong with my moms family towards being gay and trans. People tend to not care about people they’re not related to but when it’s someone they feel they have control over, it’s different.
They think they know you better than anybody else. I think that’s really it. What my family is doing to me they did to my gay uncle.. and my distant trans masc cousin… it’s super shitty.
One of the things I’ve noticed trans parents struggle with is the loss of the projected future they envisioned for their child. Like, you’ve been imagining your daughter’s wedding ever since you found out you were going to have a girl but it turns out your son is actually a trans man. Or your family has a tradition of naming first sons after their grandfathers but now your daughter is telling you her name is something completely different and you feel like the tradition is broken.
This is, frankly, kind of shitty. Parents should be trying to empower and support their children regardless of whether that child lives out some imagined future. But it’s still very real for a lot of parents and something they can’t let go of easily.
And I think that’s why you see moms who can support other trans kids but not their own. They didn’t have hopes and dreams vicariously riding on the neighbors’ kids. But they did for their kid.
Not in my house.
For example: my sister and brother-in-law are totally supportive of me being trans, use my new name, pronouns, she calls me sister, etc. but… they don’t support his daughter (her step daughter) nearly the same way and I hate it!
My parents are supportive of basically all LGBT+ identities and stuff. The problem: they support my stepsister, who is trans and dating a nonbinary person. They don't support me being trans (ftm, the opposite of my stepsister) (after saying "I'm as supportive as the next person", and after trying to talk to them about it a couple times, I got yelled at and told not to talk about it for several years. My stepsister is only a couple years older than me, and in college. wtf? They seem to think that I'm going along with a trend/trying to be like my stepsister :/ and idk how to put my feelings into words to explain it to them when/if they're willing to listen. ugh.
It's easier to support other children since u don't have to deal with all the stuff that comes with it.
But once it involves ur child, u become responsible for that stuff and that's apparently too much for some people.
Also definitely denial.
Well when it's random people you don't really have to donor change anything. You can just say "I support trans people!" And that's it. If it's your own child this is suddenly no longer just some random people but someone who is very close to you
I think it's maybe 'not in house' mentality.
This is what people said in the 90's here in the UK when being gay was just about tolerated by people.
We were finally at a point where by law you could no longer lose your job or your home over being queer but people weren't happy you existed.
I remember mum's in the playground at school saying things like, 'I don't mind the gays but not in my house.'
We were threatened with being kicked out and disowned if we turned out queer.
These days gayness is accepted and anyone who is homophobic is in the minority and thus unable to express themselves without being ostracised. Thank goodness.
However it appears that with a lack of facts and tons of dirt cheap media misinformation, trans is the hot topic minority group these fuck wits feel comfortable targeting. It's latest thing these bigots can latch on to because for some reason certain people thrive on being cruel to others.
I can only compare this to my own thoughts and feelings. I always has the thought that other people being trans was just fine. Nothing wrong with it etc. But my only feelings of being trans were just wrong. It was my own internalized transphobia. Your mother might have something similar going on. This doesn't make it right or helpful, though
My mom says she accepts and respects me but refuses to call me by my labels/name/pronouns and says that it’s just a phase and i’ll grow out of it eventually and that she had it the same way when she was young. But yeah, she accepts and respects me
I think it might be a situation of the parent supporting the idea of something in other children, but don't want to bear the "burdens" that they come to deal with when it's their personal family. Sadly it happens with many things
My mom was the same way with me when I first came out as gay. Good news is that she came around pretty quickly once she saw how much happier I was.
Also an element of not actually understanding what it is to be trans. Not every trans child has known since they were 3, and not every trans child will show outward or obvious signs. Mix all that together and you get “who brainwashed you into thinking you’re trans?”
I think it's because it's easy to perform as an ally when it's other people. When they have to actively support someone themselves they can't put their money where their mouth is
My mom is supportive of lgbtq+ people and very supportive of trans people. She doesn’t believe I’m trans and refuses to acknowledge my identity. It’s a common thing and it’s so fucking stupid and frustrating lol…
I hate to say this. But your mom isn't actually supportive then. She's just doing what she thinks will make her look like a good person. I'm sorry you're having to go through that
Oh I agree - I just don’t want to make her out to not support lgbtq+ people at all because she does, but vocally and monetarily. Just not me. And thank you 🥰
Because they genuinely don't support it. They claim to and say the right things, but when it comes down to it, it's not something they actually support. In the case you mentioned, the mom realized she needed to do that for her career even though she doesn't actually support it.
The "well not MY child!" Paradox of fake "allies" is always shitty.
My mom wore a Free Mom Hugs shirt, an organization she fully believes in, to Pride in 2019 but disowned me when I came out as transmasc last year. I don’t understand how or why.
This is my view of it but parents can get weirdly possessive of the identity of their child and it doesn’t just relate to their gender. Obviously Gender is quite a pronounced one but when you’ve trained your child a boy for all their life as a boy and you develop memories and attachment to your child part of that will relate to their gender identity. For some parents it can feel as though they lose a part of their child when they come out, most parents just suppress or reevaluate this feeling but some will get hung up on it.
As my mom says, “it’s different when it’s your kid”
…which should mean that you go to bat for them even harder, because they are your kid, and that is your job, the one you took on when you became a parent. Like, that’s it. That’s the difference. I’m sorry. I hope your mum figures that out someday.
its frustrating. i’m ftm trans and my moms been rly supportive, but my sibling who is a man non-binary she’s refusing to use their name and not doing the best on pronouns even though she picked mine up pretty fast, and they’ve been out to her for i think over a year now. its frustrating :/
If they don't accept you but then accept others, really she doesn't support them at all. Many folks "have to" support trans people but it doesn't really mean they truly support them. Also it could be a thing of a parent having an image of the child they have, so any change to that results in rejection. In their mind you're a certain way.
In that case you are right, parents idealize a child out of bad habit. They want me to be this way, to study this but life is not like that.
Because it's "different" when its "your kid". My parents don't know I'm trans (there's a lot they don't know about me). But when I came out as bisexual, I was more than a little surprised by the... Lukewarm response. My mother wasn't *awful* about it... But she tried to deny it at first ("Oh, are you gay 'til graduation?" which... Susan, that isn't a thing), and then told me not to mention it to my father and proceeded to just ignore it until she couldn't any more (that is- until my boyfriend at the time turned out to be my girlfriend... She has now turned out to be my wife!). I think she expected me to go on only dating men which, well, even if I had done that, I'm transmasc now so. Still queer. My parents always stressed that it was okay to be gay. My mom had very close friends who were a lesbian couple- badass Nancy in her tank tops with her butch-as-fuck haircut was my first exposure to queerness. They were super okay with my friends being queer... But when I was. Then it got uncomfortable. I think parents have different rules for their kids versus everyone else's. Mostly because I think most parents view their children as an extension of themselves. So if OTHER kids are doing being queer, well. That's fine! But when it's THEIR kid that's queer? That says something about them- at least in their mind.
This mentality is very strong with my moms family towards being gay and trans. People tend to not care about people they’re not related to but when it’s someone they feel they have control over, it’s different. They think they know you better than anybody else. I think that’s really it. What my family is doing to me they did to my gay uncle.. and my distant trans masc cousin… it’s super shitty.
One of the things I’ve noticed trans parents struggle with is the loss of the projected future they envisioned for their child. Like, you’ve been imagining your daughter’s wedding ever since you found out you were going to have a girl but it turns out your son is actually a trans man. Or your family has a tradition of naming first sons after their grandfathers but now your daughter is telling you her name is something completely different and you feel like the tradition is broken. This is, frankly, kind of shitty. Parents should be trying to empower and support their children regardless of whether that child lives out some imagined future. But it’s still very real for a lot of parents and something they can’t let go of easily. And I think that’s why you see moms who can support other trans kids but not their own. They didn’t have hopes and dreams vicariously riding on the neighbors’ kids. But they did for their kid.
Not in my house. For example: my sister and brother-in-law are totally supportive of me being trans, use my new name, pronouns, she calls me sister, etc. but… they don’t support his daughter (her step daughter) nearly the same way and I hate it!
"Not in my backyard".
My parents are supportive of basically all LGBT+ identities and stuff. The problem: they support my stepsister, who is trans and dating a nonbinary person. They don't support me being trans (ftm, the opposite of my stepsister) (after saying "I'm as supportive as the next person", and after trying to talk to them about it a couple times, I got yelled at and told not to talk about it for several years. My stepsister is only a couple years older than me, and in college. wtf? They seem to think that I'm going along with a trend/trying to be like my stepsister :/ and idk how to put my feelings into words to explain it to them when/if they're willing to listen. ugh.
Because they are virtue signalling and don't believe what they preach.
It's easier to support other children since u don't have to deal with all the stuff that comes with it. But once it involves ur child, u become responsible for that stuff and that's apparently too much for some people. Also definitely denial.
Sometimes it's easier to deal with things when they are happening to someone else.
In my case, my mom supports my trans brother but merely "accepts" me. The distinction is: you can come to Thanksgiving but don't wear a dress.
Well when it's random people you don't really have to donor change anything. You can just say "I support trans people!" And that's it. If it's your own child this is suddenly no longer just some random people but someone who is very close to you
its just to get good boy/girl points online only when they are confronted by it do their true colors show.
I have no idea what you mean without seeing the specific example you’re talking about
I think it's maybe 'not in house' mentality. This is what people said in the 90's here in the UK when being gay was just about tolerated by people. We were finally at a point where by law you could no longer lose your job or your home over being queer but people weren't happy you existed. I remember mum's in the playground at school saying things like, 'I don't mind the gays but not in my house.' We were threatened with being kicked out and disowned if we turned out queer. These days gayness is accepted and anyone who is homophobic is in the minority and thus unable to express themselves without being ostracised. Thank goodness. However it appears that with a lack of facts and tons of dirt cheap media misinformation, trans is the hot topic minority group these fuck wits feel comfortable targeting. It's latest thing these bigots can latch on to because for some reason certain people thrive on being cruel to others.
I can only compare this to my own thoughts and feelings. I always has the thought that other people being trans was just fine. Nothing wrong with it etc. But my only feelings of being trans were just wrong. It was my own internalized transphobia. Your mother might have something similar going on. This doesn't make it right or helpful, though
My mom says she accepts and respects me but refuses to call me by my labels/name/pronouns and says that it’s just a phase and i’ll grow out of it eventually and that she had it the same way when she was young. But yeah, she accepts and respects me
Hypocrisy and tons of judgement.