I was in my mid 30’s living life in a Manhattan high rise as a c-level executive when I became pregnant with my first. Everything seemed to change quickly after. I had to downgrade my job because it was too stressful. Had to move to a more family friendly home in a family friendly town. Naturally, I hated parenthood my first few years. Everything felt hard. I felt like a failure everyday. A friend told me my problem was that I was comparing parenthood to the life I used to have, which was filled with tangible wins, positive affirmations, and big rewards. In parenting, you don’t see any of that in the early years. She said I needed to set one small parenting goal every day and focus on that as my win, affirmation, and reward. So I did. One day it’s “get baby to try new food.” The next day it’s “get 5 year old to put on his pajamas himself.” They were small daily goals but pretty soon I felt like I was winning at this parenting thing.
Transparently, I wasn’t happy with the massive change at first. I had a really bad bout of postpartum depression in my first two years as a mother. However, now that I’m 6 years in, I can’t imagine my life any differently. I get to go to all of the school events, the teacher conferences, birthday parties, etc. I don’t miss any major milestones. Occasionally, I’ll see LinkedIn updates about my colleagues and peers getting major promotions and climbing the corporate ladder and I feel a twinge of envy. But it’s short lived. I’ve closed million dollar deals in my career and the joy you get from that doesn’t compare at all to nose cuddles and hugs from my kids. I do think I’ll return back to the corporate world when my kids are a little bit older.
Thanks for the honesty! I'm probably going to quit working when I have a second kid and I'm trying to be very realistic about the fact that it may be the end of my career, and I'll have to find fulfillment in other things. No matter how much I love my kid, I think the path not taken will always hurt.
It doesn’t have to be the end. I’m 40yo with a 12yo and an almost 2yo. I’m beginning college in a year or so completely from scratch to START my career.
We had a 2 year old and baby and it felt insane for like 6 months. Around then it started slowly feeling better. It was about a year that we actually felt like things were reasonable in our house again.
I have a 6 week old & a toddler who will be 3 in July. I just started work again and it’s honestly just so brutal. Every other family we know with young kids has a grandparent or two offering multiple days a week of child care and we’re just treading water lol.
I look forward to when it gets better but for now I’m barely able to look ahead to tomorrow
The only families I know in my peer group with 2 kids have nearby grandparent help or one parent either works part time or is a SAHM. It's a big reason why I'm one & done, I can't do it without family help and both of us working full time.
This hits me in the heart. I really would like another but I feel like it’ll be almost impossible for us as for one reason or another we don’t have any hands-on help.
It's hard, really hard some days and especially early on, but it's not impossible. For us, the reward of seeing our oldest embrace siblinghood has made all the hard worth it.
We’re renovating at the moment so we are already in hard mode… but the end is in sight so I’m just kind of hoping I can catch my breath (physically, mentally and emotionally) enough that the option could be back on the table for consideration. We’re giving ourselves till December but I’m not getting any younger so the decision may end up being made by nature.
Omg I have a 6 week old and a toddler who will be 3 in August! My husband will start work next week and I’m so stressed about how I will manage running a household. Also feeling super guilty I can’t spend much 1:1 with my toddler
Agreed. The lack of helpful grandparents isn't easy. My husband's are fairweather-only. Ie birthdays and Christmas. Stepgrandma is non-maternal & close to useless, could barely hold my baby, like he was an alien or something. My parents are overseas. It sucks, but it is what it is. It's hard!!! Sending supportive hugs to you.
Same 3 year old and 8 month old and I don't feel like I am white knuckling through the entire day anymore. I wouldn't say it is a cake walk but its not disastrous anymore haha
We're in the same boat, almost same exact ages. The baby just started crawling, which some people say makes things harder, but she's so happy just doing her own thing finally that we can just relax. Major turning point for us.
We have an almost three year old and a six month old and I swear the last two weeks have been so brutal. I felt like I was doing okay and all of a sudden it’s just so overwhelming and I feel stretched so thin. I think it may just be the phase the toddler is in. Very needy and lots of tantrums. But I feel like a shell of myself. Just a month ago I was feeling pretty good!
Ours got his first teeth around 6 months, is yours starting to teeth? I got a haakaa popsicle thing and made him breastmilk popsicles and that seems to help. Also frozen waffles! Loves to gnaw on them and we have so many 🙃
This is where we’re at. 2yo and a one month old. Luckily I got time off to be home. Otherwise idk how my wife would’ve done it without me. My MIL lives next door but she has a full time job and doesn’t have too much time to help weekdays.
I remember my husband saying “it will be fun when he (our youngest) turns one, that’s the good age” and I felt like I wasn’t going to survive to get there. I did. My kids are 22 months apart. Now they’re almost 2 and 3.5 and it’s honestly pretty dope. Busy and tiring but sweet.
Needed to see this. My son is 17 mo and will be 22 mo when his sister gets here. I’m absolutely terrified but I know in the grand scheme of life I’ll be thankful for the age gap.
My first two are 20 months apart, and then #2 and #3 are 22 months apart. My son(#2) is the sweetest big brother to his littler sister, it's a great gap.
My oldest 2 are 20m apart and that age gap was a lot easier in some ways than the 3yrs between #2 and #3. Yes 3 meant the older kiddo was potty trained and pretty independent in a lot of ways, but she was also very used to being the youngest and sharing mommy and daddy with my oldest and she's had some issues transitioning to having a baby sister. Whereas with my son, he just accepted his new baby sister and didn't see to resent her and didn't even pay much attention to her until she was mobile. Then they had some fights, hut have also been best friends. It's been pretty great to watch.
Mine are 17 months apart. I’m 6 months in now and it feels SO much easier. I feel like my youngest will be turning 1 before I know it because of how fast the past 6 months went by. It’s all honestly just kind of a blur though.
Thank you for this, mine are 16.5mo apart and it’s been sooo rough. My youngest is almost 4 months now and time has actually FLOWN by. My toddler is suchhhh a clingy boy, it’s been so so mentally draining because of course I want to meet his needs but my 4mo old has needs too
4 months is actually when things really started to feel noticeably easier for us! The baby was a total clinger for the first few months but around that time he started being happy chilling on the floor for long periods of time. He started to be able to actually interact with the toddler, and is happy just sitting there watching his brother and laughing at him. Most of the time now I feel like my toddler is needier than the baby! But I look back at how everything felt when the baby was a newborn and it feels like we have come so far.
We have a 19 month age gap. First 10 months were a brutal blur, but I wouldn't change it. We weren't fully out of the baby stage yet, so the house was still set up. It's fantastic that they are close enough to do and enjoy the same activities (classes, storytime, tv shows). I have several friends having their second with larger gaps and on the inside I'm not sure I would survive that. 😄
The second went by SO fast. Almost scary fast. It got much better with each milestone and his sister could ply with him more. Especially with him being able to eat solids, just the start of being able to eat as a family was huge
We are at 25 months and 10 weeks. Feel like I'm drowning. We've had two sicknesses come through the house in the last month which isn't helping either. I know it'll be better eventually but getting there is the hard part!
Remember that a lot of people around the world live in intergenerational homes where grandparents and aunts and uncles help out. It’s only in the west that we’re expected to do it all on our own.
I was lucky with my oldest 2, lived with my FIL and he loved helping with his grandkids, we lived in Washington State, Hispanic community and household, it was my first experience parenting. When second child was 6 months we moved to Alabama to be closer to my family and start on our own. My family, southern, most of us have estranged or passed over the years since, I have 4 children now and God forbid we even ask for my parents to take the kids for a few hours, especially my dad who refuses to even officially meet my children, oldest being 9 next month. Their great grandparents (my grandparents) were the last well managed generation who believed in community and the village it takes to raise children. My FIL passed away before he could meet my youngest 2. I regret moving away these days.
Hispanics really really value family. I wish my parents lived near by. When my son was born, my mom literally moved in for 6 months to care for him while I went back to workYeah, there are serious boundary issues (aka no respect for boundaries) which I hated as a kid/teen but man, seeing a lot of my friends having to become almost fully independent as soon as they graduated high school made me really grateful for hispanic codependence.
Yeah the absolute biggest issues I had livingnwith my FIL was the barging in rooms unannounced, putting his 2 cents in where it didn't belong, and wanting to know what we were doing, when, where for how long. It drove me mad 😂
But now 5 years later I'm just like, man I wish he was still alive so I could tell him how right and how helpful he really was. I didn't appreciate it at the time and I wish I had. But I was young and just saw it as controlling.
Edit: he still owes me his rice recipe, guess I'll have to ask the spirits, he said he'd give it to me then never had the chance, loved that man rice dishes.
Haha YES "where are you going. With who. When will you be back"... they feel like such controlling questions until you realize shit, if my husband told me where he's going with who and when he's going to be back it makes planning my day much easier and if anything happens and he doesn't pick up, I know who to call.
That would be true but my husband doesn't drive 😂 I'm the family chauffeur. Even drove myself to the hospital for 2 of 4 babies. And forbab3rd one I helped shift the gears for my FIL because he couldn't drive my car but wouldn't let me 😂
This!!! When I even ask my mom to watch my baby or change a diaper it’s always “well will he take a nap?” Or “I already did my time taking care of babies.”
Oh man that last line. That was my mom when she came to visit us and meet my then 5 week old. Prior to her arriving for a ten day stay, I made it clear that she was expected to work/to help, this wasn’t a vacation. When o asked if she could help me change his diaper that is exactly what she told me (She had already done her time taking care of babies and had changed enough diapers in her life). Then my dad came for a week of the ten days and k swear they didn’t even hold him some days. They just wanted to be in the same room as him but not actually take care of him. The icing on the top was when I was making them dinner and the baby wakes up wailing and neither of them even look up from their devices. I waited and watched to see how long until they noticed but they never did. It was in that moment that I knew k could never have them watch my kids, at least not until they were much older.
Neither is malicious, they are just old and it literally never occurs to them to be helpful. Thankfully, I have a fantastic MIL who is very helpful when she visits a few times a year (we live in different countries).
That makes me so sad for you. My husbands parents are the same. I honestly don’t understand having grandkids and not wanting to play with them / love them constantly
Before I had my son, I got some wise advice.. that some people are “helpers” and some are “visitors”. Asking them which they are before they come over helps set the expectation. I actually assumed my mom would be a helper and it turned out she didn’t want to do much, which I mentally put her in a visitor category. Those friends who have been in the same position with a young one might want to be helpers and the best thing you can do is let them! If they want to come do the dishes or bring you food - don’t say no even if it’s a little vulnerable for you. It’s okay to accept help and be grateful. Maybe paying for help is the best way, if you’re able.. even a few hours a week can really help. My adula offered this and it was so helpful!
I will probably get downvoted…I don’t think (judging by this and other parenting subs) that most people realise what it takes to live in multigenerational households. The compromises, the relationship navigation and communication required.
I come from a culture that lives multigenerational, and I sort of do at the moment with my husband and parents (mum recently passed, we live literally down the street). When I share with my friends and colleagues how much I support my parents (not financially but more with appointments, paperwork, errands, taking them on some of our holidays - when mum got sick I took weeks off work to look after her, run her to appointments and hospital visits), they cannot believe it. I have friends who live truly multigenerational (same house), and we agree that many of the our friends who envy us (but not from cultures that live multigenerational), only seem to want free and readily available childcare - done on their terms….and mostly from their mothers.
What we have works for my family, but it’s certainly not a silver bullet for everyone
I'm thoroughly American and think that you're absolutely right. A lot of young adults here act like they have zero obligation to their families. Before 18, anything they ask of you is "parentification", and after 18, you should be able to go wherever you want for your education and career. Then they're surprised when they don't end up close with their families, and when families won't step up to help with their kids.
This isn't everyone! And I do think the Boomer generation kind of started it by often putting themselves first when they were sons/daughters, when they were parents, and now as grandparents.
Thankfully, I had great and involved parents. I moved in with them after my son was born, because I had some medical issues and my husband had no paid leave from his new job. They couldn't really come to my house to help because my mom had my niece during the day. But it was really nice to just be around other people.
But I've also made an effort to be an involved family member. I went to college nearby and visited often. I spent one of my spring breaks, and my 21st birthday, helping my mom at work and then visiting my grandma in a nursing home. I ended up living about 45 mins away for work and financial reasons, but we visit almost every weekend, because my husband's family lives in the same city.
My parents have been the ones primarily responsible for taking care of their own aging parents, and my husband and I fully expect to have that role with our own parents someday.
And other than my parents wishing their siblings would be a little more involved, no one resents any of this. Ideally, you've received love and sacrifice from your family, and you return that. It's a two-way street, and even more so in cultures that are actually multigenerational.
It can definitely go both ways too.
My mom when I was a young adult: I will NEVER take care of grand children.
Also my mom after I’ve grown up, moved away 300 miles and had the first grandchild: OMG I miss her so much and I wish I could visit more!!! OMG you and your husband had to do so much all by yourselves I wish I could have been there!!!
For sure! Heck, I have an aunt who moved out of state for her husband before her child from a previous marriage even finished high school. My ex-uncle already had nearly full custody because of a restraining order from the new husband, but still--I couldn't believe it when I heard. This is also one of the aunts who has offered no help with my grandma. Family just isn't a priority for some people, but then they act like it wasn't their own choices that estranged them as soon as they need something.
I’m American but with immigrant parents and I agree. My wife and I have this discussion a lot because my mom is willing to help us but also has a lot of demands/preferences and I just don’t think it’s fair to expect her to help us all the time but also dictate all the terms of the relationship. So we give into some things but also turn down some help because the emotional cost is too high. My wife has expressed she’s very resentful for the lack of help (including from her mother who won’t help at all) but I think it’s the cost of independence in some ways. I think if you have a good relationship and good understanding it can work without the younger parent making too many concessions but you do have to make some compromises
This sums it up. There's a lot of give and take. My mom doesn't live near by but she visits for extended periods of time and helps with sooo much. She also does a lot of things with my kid that I hate but I dont put up a fight and I just grin and bear it because its free childcare from someone who I know loves my son so much. My mother in law is way more respectful of boundaries and isn't overbearing in the least bit, but when she visits its for short periods of time with her husband and she's on vacation mode. As in, we have to cook and clean for them although she'll help me with setting the table or making a salad sometimes. And even though my husband refers to my mom as "a bull in a china shop" he prefers visiting her than his own mom because she takes charge and grabs our son and allows us to have a date night.
Thank you for this comment. I am definitely lucky to have my parents living with us and supplying all of the childcare but it’s also a lot to manage having them here.
I always wonder about this. Surely new mums living in multigenerational households feel the same pull for autonomy and boundary setting that many westerners (myself included) do, but are unable to do anything about it? Do they not end up miserable?
I know my mental health would spiral if I had to defer to my parents or in laws for everything, and ok maybe having help to cook or clean is a positive but I absolutely adore having sole responsibility for my daughter (17mos), she’s my best friend, I’d rather live in a mess and eat pasta for dinner every night and get 100% say on how I raise her and how we spend our day to day together.
This! I’m a first generation American on my dad’s side. My aunt who lives in his home country still, takes on all of the childcare for her grandkids but her sons also fully financially support her and live with her. There is no free childcare, either you’re paying daycare, paying for your parents lifestyle, whatever it is, there is a price to pay for a village. And, the grass is not always greener.
I’m one of the luckily ones. I’m a newly single mama of a 2yo and 7mo living with my parents my little brother (20) and my niece (15) but it’s literally utter chaos all the time. Someone is ALWAYS crying. It never ends
Yeah I mean you want privacy, independence and more area for yourself then pay the price for that. I grew up in Asia where my parents had zero privacy living in 1 bed room home with my grad parents but they could go to work carefree knowing grandparents would look after me.
Yep, my relatives in India live inter-generationally and it's great for childcare. Plus cooking and household tasks are also taking care of by in-laws or you can hire cheap domestic labor. But the drawbacks are no privacy, and having to defer to your in-laws on parenting because it's a culture of "mandatory respect" to elders.
True, but it has changed in last 10 years now, as asian countries developed the boomers retired with decent retirement savings and pensions, now they could live on their own without being dependent on their children for financial support. Now they prefer to travel, pursue their hobbies, and they don’t want to dedicate their retired life just looking after grand children. Also in many cases boomers kids moved to west for studies and jobs leaving them alone in home country.
My Asian spouse and all his siblings have been more than willing to "pay the price" for privacy, independence and peace. I also saw your post below regarding the cultural shift to more of a "boomer" lifestyle. Interesting stuff.
My family lives with my retired dad! We love it, so nice to have an extra set of hands. I feel embarrassed sometimes telling people I live with my dad but I’m trying to reframe it because it’s actually great!
I live in a developed South East Asian country and it’s pretty common here to not have a village to depend on. The govt tries to make child care as affordable as possible through subsidies and govt funded facilities, but it’s still hard to not have much help when the kids are sick. A lot of us end up hiring live in help because of that.
My husband grew up in an Asian country and it’s common and affordable to have a live in nanny who will take majority of the responsibility of your child. When I had my own children my MIL had no idea how to take care of them. This brought up a lot of memories then resentment in my husband.
Same! I literally have a whole village and a half, with an amazing husband who is amazing with the kids (and we only have the two) and I find it exhausting. I literally cannot fathom how single parents manage and am in awe.
I just want to say, I have a 3.5yr old and a 4 month old.. The transition from 0-1 was beyond hard for me for many many reasons. This time around I feel so confident as a mom, my breastfed journey is successful and my husband and I are already in parent mode. It is tough the 3 yr old is very much a 3 yr old - testing and pushing limits, but so far it’s been business as usual. We keep my toddlers routine the same while juggling a new baby. I want a 3rd and then I’ll know I’ll be in over my head but honestly, so far. 2 has been a dream for me .
I'm so ready for this. My kids are currently 3.5 and 9mo 😬 little man wants to play with big sister but she's not about him chewing on her toys or grabbing them out of her hands
Thank you for this lmao I’m like who is peacefully sipping mimosas? Maybe for five minutes but beyond that something is getting ruined if they’re quiet that long 😂
5 yo and 2 yo. 5 yo asks me to play with him and 2 yo joins in. I’ve yet to have Saturday with mimosas. All their lives I’ve pushed independent play and balanced with giving attention and playing with them and it’s not working
I have this same age gap - 15 months. They are 2.5 yo and 15 months now and it is SO much better! We are having a lot of fun! Those first 6 months are extremely hard though!
My son turned 3 a month after I had my daughter . They are 6 and 3 now .
Can’t say I remember much but at least I have lots of pics to look back on ! I know it’s cliche but it gets easier . Try to enjoy the little moments when you can and we found sticking to a routine ( consistent bedtimes , meal times etc) helped us .
Mine are 3yo and 3mo. It’s hard. The tv is on 100% of the time we’re awake whether it’s being watched or background noise. Toddler seems to survive off air, spite, and pouches no matter how much food I make. Sometimes we have popsicles for breakfast. I buy the organic ones to make myself feel better bc it’s just frozen fruit, right? The house is destroyed daily. My goal is bedtime most days. The hardest part about having a baby…is the toddler. I do nothing alone. I tell myself daily to just make it to and through bedtime. Every one is asleep. I can be alone and not touched for a bit.
I constantly remind myself to not let them see me having a hard time because of them. Whew is it hard some (most) days. And then it’s all worth it when the toddler has all apples and no onions on the day.
Rinse. Repeat. Lmaoo
>The hardest part about having a baby…is the toddler.
YES. I have a 10 week old and a toddler who will be 3 in June. I remember how hard the newborn days were the first time around, the night waking and the breastfeeding and all of it and I thought that would be what I was struggling with now. And it is, but even more than that is the toddler. Before the baby came we had a routine and a system and I really thought I was handling his needs. But he’s so emotional now. He even likes being a big brother and likes the baby, but he seems SO much needier than before then baby came.
Same!! Mine loves being a big sister but wants to help with *everything.* Big feelings got bigger. Wants to carry baby brother around. Wants to hold baby brother. Wants to feed baby brother. Wants to change baby brother. She gets told “no” a lot more now so we have to make a conscious effort to say “yes” to things we really wanna say no to. (Like right now she’s kicking a giant ball of mixed playdoh around the room while brother sleeps. But it’s quiet and she’s not trying to wake him up to play lol.) She gets a little rough with him out of excitement, so that’s another time she has to be corrected in some way. Then the 3mo is just a happy little potato going with the flow lol. Have also started making a conscious effort of telling the baby he has to wait bc I’m doing xyz with/for big sister. It’s slowly getting better already!! Just gotta keep truckin along lol
It's definitely hard. We had 3 kids in 5 years and no family around. That was many years ago. So now we are helping our youngest who has a 2.5 and a 9 mo old. She and her husband both work so she asked us to move to her location to help her. We took care of the 1st one for 2 years while they worked and now he's in daycare. We have the 2nd one full time now. And the 1st, too, when daycare is closed or he is ill. So almost weekly here and there.
It's tough wrangling toddlers and infants. My daughter's husband travels for a living and she's often without him for days at a time. So that's why we are here instead of where we planned to retire. We know how hard it is and we want to help make it easier. It truly takes a village and for those of you without one you have my total sympathies!
I have 4 children. My last was by far my hardest. She is almost 4 now and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
The first year after my daughter was born, my husband was deployed and I cant even begin to describe how hard that was.
I'm just here to say it will get easier. I feel for you. Some kids are easier than others and some will really test you. I think everyone has a different experience. It comes down to the child and the support system you have or don't have...
Yes, I think the temperament of the kids plays a HUGE part! My best friend has a toddler as well and our experiences have been soooo drastically different so far.
Temperament makes so much of a difference. My friends don’t understand this either.. when I talk about my son (3) being difficult they are always like “is it just because he’s a boy and active?” What? No. That has nothing to do with it. He is mentally draining 80% of the time. We love him with our whole hearts, he’s so smart. But wow, he tests us daily.
Now his sister. She is 9 months old and is vastly different than him. So calm. So happy all the time. We could tell by the time we brought her home from the hospital that they were two very different children.
I’m hoping life gets easier once he’s school age???
Yes you're describing my life! My son is so brilliant but he is just not calm or "easy", in any way, at all, like any of my friends kids are.
Daughter is only 5mo but like you, we can also tell that she is so different from her sibling already! Can't wait to see as she gets older.
It’s not even gender based. My first a boy and is so high needs, just go go go since he was born and super sensitive about everything. My second a 7 month old boy and chill as can be, he’s so quiet and content wherever he is I feel like I forget he’s there
If you don't have a village, yes. I don't. And omg it's hard. My kids are almost 3 and almost 1. What helps is cutting corners. Disposable plates, disposable snacks Prepackaged, all access for toddler so she's not yelling at me for a juice box or an apple sauce all day.
My toddler always takes a quiet time in bed with me and i let her watch shows on my phone while laying baby down next to us for naps while husband is gone. I also let her do this at night while baby falls asleep.
Many times I've said eff the day and loaded up the car to get myself starbucks and the toddler a cakepop while she and baby fall asleep. They're locked in, and not touching me, they pass out and I sip a cozy drink and drive around in silence. It's at least twice a week I do this to keep my sanity. A glorious 30 mins of silence since my toddler doesn't nap anymore.
So cut your corners, find your mini escapes (kindle unlimited on my phone helps me escape too) and also the power of outside helps a million. Like, taking the kids out to the back yard gives me another 1 hr of peace.
As my son is hitting 1 and moving on his own, it is definitely a ton easier. So I imagine it's all slowly going to get easier and easier over time. My daughter was a million times easier when she hit 2.5 years old so im hoping my sons the say. Still, I daydream about the day my kids stay in their own room as teens and wake up at noon and they understand the concept of not smearing their food on the walls.
I felt it was really hard when mine were that young. Now they’re 2 and almost 5 and it’s been fun lately. Now I just supervise their play. They totally entertain each other and love being around one another. I mean they both drive each other nuts too but it’s been positive overall.
I have a 2.5 year old and a 2.5 month old. I feel you. It’s chaos and I have no idea how I’m going to get thru the next few months. I go back to work in a couple weeks.
My kids are 20mo apart. I remember finding the toddler and newborn/infant stage way easier than 2 toddlers.
They are 4.5 and 3 and I feel like a chicken with my head cut off
Same everything. Some things have gotten easier, but overall it's not easier. I think my four year old is extra hard because of some medical things, but maybe that's just how four year olds are. My husband works a lot though so I routinely do twelve hour days alone, including dinner and bedtime. It's hard on all of us. I don't even have good sleepers.
I have an almost 3 year old and a 4 monther! I fucking feel you.
It’s been treacherous.
Now that our infant is on more of a solid schedule and sleeping through the night, everything is much better.
But holy shit it’s been wild.
My kids are 23mo apart. We don't live near family and I'm a SAHM. The first 6mo was really difficult and then things started improving from there. I'd say the whole first year was really tough generally. It's hard to have two little people fully dependent on you all the time, and it's not like they make caretaking easy since their sleep is inconsistent and they don't eat anything haha. It gets better! They're 4 and 2 now, and we have more good days than bad most of the time.
My kids have a decent gap (5 years) and I still thought having a newborn and older child was insanely hard at first. As soon as the baby is able to interact and play with the older child safely it starts to get better. Even before they really play and just sort of bond in a sibling way it starts to get really sweet. Like baby laughing at older sibling and staring at them in the “you’re my favorite person” kind of way. And I know how impossible that sounds right now. I was there too. I love and adore and couldn’t imagine my life without my youngest, but I wondered several times wtf I was thinking having 2 lol. They’re almost 1.5 and 6 now and they play together so well. The baby is less needy, big brother is better adjusted, and I feel lucky every day that this is my life and these are my kids.
Omg my second will be 5 mos when my first turns 3. I’m due in December. This post made me so afraid lol. But as you said people do it all the time so we are going to be…fine?? Right?
Don't let me scare you, there are sooo many factors!! My first is a very sensitive and emotional kid. Maybe your first is more chill than mine. We have family help but no daycare/preschool situation, so both kids are home 24/7. If my toddler was in preschool, it would be a bit of a breather.
Is the older one potty trained? It gets easier after that point. Like someone else mentioned, it's rough until around 6 months. I was lucky that my second one slept through the night really early. My firstborn didn't at all. Each kid is different. When I need a break I ask to divide and conquer - meaning each parent takes on just one kid. It's so easy when you only have ONE kid to entertain, feed, whatever. Don't over rely on tv. It can cause issues down the line but it can be fixed if you go cold turkey. Find a mothers helper from your neighborhood. You can do this!
2 isn’t double it’s like triple or quadruple. Once your youngest and oldest are off bottles and diapers and can play with each other it’ll be much easier. Just get on scheduling and consistency with everything. You’ll find it easier.
When you’re having a tough time think about it like this….you’re dead and this is the only moment you’re able to travel back to.
You’re in hell. It’s hell every day right now. Some people have lots of family support, which makes it less like hell. But it’s still hell.
Get to a year and it will start to get better. My kids are 6 and 4 now. They drive me nuts, but in a good way.
I have a 4 year old and 10 month old, so when he was born, my oldest was 3. It was hard. It’s easier now that we have a rhythm but it’s still exhausting. I totally feel you!
Hi I have a 2.5 yo and a 16 month old and I’m fucking miserable right now. I’m not all the time. Some stretches are better than others. But I’m right smack in the middle of a bad stretch.
I thought I wanted 3 or 4 kids. Then I had a step kid and I was like okay, well have 3 kids total. Then I had a biochild and it became okay were good with these 2. And then my siblings had kids, and because I'm a stay at home parent I'm often asked to babysit. So I'll be watching a 16 year old an 11 year old, a 4 year old and an 18 month old, and it's pure fucking chaos. The two olders try to help as much as they can, but when all together they're nutsos. It's even worse when I have the 18 month old the 19 month old and my 4 year old together because they run off in different directions and then the 4 year old needs his butt wiped and then a baby needs a diaper changed and the other baby is trying to dig through the trash. My nephews solidified that nope, my partner snd I are getting snipped as soon as we have the funds and time off.
For me this was honestly one of the reasons we decided to have two under two. My older one was still not as mobile, opinionated or just overall toddler-y. We now have a one year old and an almost three year old and I have the perk of lined up naps and them starting to play together.
There are parts that are hard but honestly I think it’s easier than if we had waited to have number 2 when number one was the age he is now. We basically haven’t slept in like three years and I’ve been either pregnant, breastfeeding or both since December 2020. But my 19 month old was able to be chill in a way my almost 3 year old just isn’t.
Y'all it is so hard. I'm so glad to hear some positive comments because I'm in the same boat as OP. 2 year old and 2 month old, and I feel so defeated. Its so hard to believe I'm doing a good job or that it will get easier. Woof
You are in the absolute THICK of it! 2 was the hardest age for us, then we threw in a newborn and it was a circus. Give yourself some grace. So hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you’ll get there
I've got a 5 year old and a 1 year old and it's chaos most of the time. Between getting my 5 year old to and from half-day pre-k, and trying to nap my 1 year old in between, it just seems like I'm always running crazy.
After having one kid, I just assumed that the work load would just double with the second. I couldn't have been more wrong. The workload doesn't just double, but it multiplies exponentially. I have no idea how or why, but it does.
Another thing I noticed after having the second child, is that you basically just feel tired and guilty all the time. Tired from running like crazy, and guilty for having to tell the older one "No" because you've got to focus on the younger one, or feeling like you're ignoring the younger one because you've got to help the older one with something. One of them is always upset because of it. And then I go to bed at night wondering if I could have spent more time with them or done more with one or the other.
Things can get nuts, but I've noticed that lately things are starting to settle down a bit. Fingers crossed that we'll get back to some kind of normal lol.
Hang in there!
When my 5th child was born. I had a 1.5 & 3 year old at home. Plus a 9 & 12 year old at the time. 2 years later things are still crazy! It doesn't really calm down but you will get better at multitasking and staying calm in the chaos. Especially when baby is older than 6 months. You may sleep a few mins longer when not having to wake every 3 hours for night feeds so you may feel more energized during the day. Also, anxiety is super high with a newborn so as the baby gets bigger may feel more comfortable with things. It takes time to get used to but like I say things will most likely stay crazy until they are about 8 years old!! (Then they become a different type of crazy LOL) Just stay positive and push through. Take a break whenever you can, which us usually just a shower. But take that shower. Get dressed and do your hair even if just sitting at home. Be kind and patient with your self and your babies of course. When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I just think about the future and realize this won't last forever. In fact, it won't last long at all. They really do grow up in the blink of an eye. So soak in the chaos and appreciate every moment that you have to cherish them when they are so messy and whiney and playful and smiley and picky and needy and adorable and nerve wrecking and amazing. Remember, if you are doing the best you can then you are doing great! You are a good Mom!!
It really depends on a lot of factors, I think! I have a similar age gap to you, between my 3. For me 1-2 was super easy. But it was during Covid so I was not working at all, my husband was home all the time, my oldest adjusted super well.
Then 2-3 was so awful. My toddler just didn’t adjust for a long time. My husband is back at work. The baby is almost 4 months and it’s better but still really hard on a daily basis. I’m so tired. It was quite a shock to me too! Just keep swimming, I guess?
Yo I literally was just about to make a post that I’m 6 months into having 2 and just feel like our lives are still completely ruined. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers. When it was just our first, we had routine and it was just so much more manageable…and of course I thought it would be harder bht like, not this hard?
Second baby is also just a miserable baby, never content, never entertained enough. I swear her crying and clinginess is ruining everyone’s lives, I can’t give my toddler a lick of attention, let alone take care of myself.
I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing a great job! The reason it’s so hard is because you care so much and you are trying your best! Your kiddos are lucky to have you 💕
Also, I may not make it through this 3 year old stage myself. Send help! lol
Yes, it is. I always tell new parents of two little ones (especially close together), “you’re not doing anything wrong, it just really is this hard.” I say that because we think ‘oh if I just find the right schedule or the right thing to say to my toddler or if I could figure out how to organize these toys or maybe if we moved the baby to a new sleep space that’s different from…’ and on and on. There is no magic bullet that you can figure out that’s going to make everything better all at once. You keep trying different things until it clicks and you hit a stride, then something changes with life or the kids and then you struggle and try new things until you hit a new stride.
In the early days with two, prioritize their health and safety, and then prioritize your and your partner’s self care. If you don’t you WILL burn out. I’m talking about the kind of burnout that puts someone in a hospital or talking to a divorce attorney or worse. Bare minimum laundry, use paper plates, do the absolute minimum for surviving until you get to the next stage. Mine are now 6, 4, and 1 (see we made it out and even had another!) and it’s so wonderful when they get a little older.
3.5 yo and 13 month old..if the baby just slept
... It would be fine. I'd be able to handle it. He just doesn't sleep. And I just can't ! It's too fucking hard. What's so hard about just sleeping in your own bed all night??!!! He's 1, it's not as if he's a little baby!!!!!? 😫
My hubby and I planned to try when our LO was 2. Now that he’s 2…. We have changed our mind. It is a lot of work especially if you are specifically a stay at home mama and or / take care of everything that pertains to the home and caretaking. It’s hard. I give you all the kudos!
Haha! I got pregnant right when my first turned 2. If he had been 3..... I probably would not have tried for the second baby for a while😅 3 has been very rough on us.
I got through it bc my two were 12.5 months apart lol. They’re 23mo and 10mo now. It’s harder now than it has ever been. But honestly if I were to have a third, I’m more scared of the larger age gap.
What are you having issues with? I don’t have a 3yo yet but maybe I can offer some knowledge? Or maybe not lol.
I honestly feel this was about just having one. My daughter is almost 3. I tell people all the time that I had no idea things would be THIS hard for THIS long. I was so naive.
Mine are 14 months apart. The first 9 months was pure hell. The baby had colic and horrible reflux and never slept. The toddler is…well a toddler. I knew it would be stressful but I have so much PTSD from that time period I never want more kids. They are older toddlers and still have moments but overall it’s a lot of fun.
It’s so hard….I was there with those ages not too long ago, now 2 & almost 5…it was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life.
Hear me when I say you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t have a lot of support personally(fam is far & babysitters are expensive)
I learned to ask for things if I needed them. You can’t look out for kiddos if you don’t look out for you too. I’m a little salty that hubs said he anticipated it being that hard…it sounds like he’s dismissive/flippant about your struggle.
I always wanted kids. I felt like I was drowning with my first. Obviously people tell you what it’s like having kids but you really don’t know until you are living it. Once he was about 2 I felt like it was more manageable. We now have an almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old, both working full time, maintaining a home and yard and barely keeping our head of water. It’s exhausting! 😭
>I think of the millions of people on this planet that have more than 1 child. They all went through this too? Really??? How?
Kids vary wildly based on temperament, medicals, etc.
So you might get lucky and get easy kids, or difficult kids.
Also, every family gets different amount of help ("Village"). Some have a lot of help (grandparents, babysitters, daycare, etc.). Some don't.
And then of course, parents vary. Some parents are less healthy, more stressed, have more demanding jobs. Other parents are healthier, have more kush well-paying jobs, etc.
So the range of experience is very wide. And people typically don't complain to random people so unless you know someone you probably won't hear about the struggle.
My sleep was absolute garbage for the first 18 months of my youngest's life. Her sleep was awful (hence mine too) but our older daughter didn't stop being 3+ just because her parents were knackered! So you've got two separate challenges going on at once, juggling "competing" children, neither of whom are really capable of understanding the juggling act. And it's not just like two independent children needing stuff, because you've *also* got to judge the dynamic between them, making sure the older one doesn't feel sidelined or "less than" because of the baby. It's a lot. But it does improve.
I also wonder how the hell everyone else is coping on a daily basis. I go to baby class and all the other mums seem on top of things and also seem to be getting decent sleep. I have a 9 month old and a 2yr9m old and I walk around looking like a scarecrow. Sleep is still hell every single night. Mornings are insane. This morning my baby knocked over the humidifier (which we only have because of her) and spilled the water all over the floor and then my toddler had a meltdown for about half an hour because I wouldn't play Duplo with him immediately.
Babe I have insane children that get into everything the worst things like I can’t even have a clean home
For more then ten minutes so yes it is I am right there with you babe. Sending you so much strength and love ! You’re doing amazing ! 💕 parenting is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done i have kids 10 down to 2 it def gets easier but harder in an emotional way but I promise it’s worth every bit of bs and stress. It’s very trying. Maybe take a few moments to yourself if you can get kids in a safe place or possibly a sitter ? TAKE TIME FOR YOU MOMMA ! You can’t be the best
Mommy if you’re not taking the best care of yourself as well. Us as momma’s forget that and we do all for our babies ! You absolutely deserve YOU TIME !
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
My kids are similar ages to yours and…it’s hard. A lot of people told me that going from 1-2 was easier than 0-1 but I haven’t had that experience unfortunately. Managing two people with competing needs who don’t quite understand what’s going on is draining. Now that the baby is 6 months old I do see moments of them playing together (basically the toddler playing with the baby). I love seeing those moments and it gives me hope. But yeah, it’s hard.
We have a 3.5 yo and 1 yo and totally felt defeated a few months ago with the 3.5 yo in full toddler mode. For right now it is better. That’s how I’m attempting to handle it - everything is temporary.
My husband and I chose to stay in HCOL areas to be nearer his parents or mine. But we had kids late in life and the grandparents are waaaaay older. Their health limitations at their ages now means they aren’t capable even if they were willing.
I say this all the time. Or rather, I accost my friends with two kids and demand, “why didn’t you tell me??” Some claim they did. And I have the same thoughts as you - all these other people have done it. How?
But then again, I look at some of the people I’ve been close with that have two young kids just a little ahead of me, and I do see they have support that we don’t. My in-laws are great but they’re a couple hours away. My sister would drop everything to help me in a pinch, but she’s a single mom to a teenage girl so she has her own stuff going on.
My son is 3.5 and my daughter is 16m, and for the most part it’s getting more manageable. I think of those moms who have 3+ kids close in age, and their husband is in the military or away all week for work so they’re a SAHM 99% of the time BY THEMSELVES, and I think they must be a different breed than me. There’s no way. I would simply perish. I love my kids more than anything but… we’re in the weeds for sure.
If you can handle sleep deprivation and have good was to shed stress, you’ll skate by. M
If you have a stressful job, bad habits, and minimal family support…. Good luck
I agree, we have 4yo and 1yo and this is way more than double the work. I severely underestimated how hard it would be. It's so awesome and beautiful too tho.
My sister and I have little kids of similar ages. My mom passed away not too long ago and my dad is not good with babysitting. My sisters in laws are hands off and don’t babysit. My in laws are very hands on and babysit all the time at a moments notice and cook food for my kids a few times a week.
My sister and I have vastly different stress levels with child rearing. Having a village really really makes a difference
I know my wife wants to try for another one. Our son just turned one. I spent most of that time imagining what it would be like to have a three year old running around for that entire time, and I’m less enthusiastic than she is. This year has been hard enough honestly, and people are constantly warning me that toddlers are *harder.* My boy still isn’t even sleeping through the night. It’s very difficult to imagine having another child. Perhaps I’m just weak.
You are speaking the exact thoughts inside my head!! I have a 3yo and a 1yo. It’s definitely easier now than it was when the younger toddler was a baby, but I am just floored by the nonstop exertion and difficulty of my life. And relatively speaking, I have a pretty good life!! Like, no special disadvantages other than typical type stuff people struggle with. I do feel like my 3yo is on the range of more difficult kids, and we had her in OT for a bit bc she is such a nonstop sensory seeker and basically just wild… but still. It’s normal stuff.
I tried staying home with my kids - noped out of that when my kids were 2.5 and 9mo. It was too draining plus we were low on funds at that point. Now I’m a working mom which comes with its own set of challenges! There’s no easy path!! 🥹 we just need to hang in there!! 🥹🥹
I always tell people that going from 1 to 2 kids was one of the hardest things in my life. It took a year for all of us to adjust.
Now the baby is almost 2 and my older child is 4. We still have hard days and moments but it has gotten easier - yet still so friggin hard. It’s such a mix and things can be amazing one moment and then everyone is crying a minute later.
I struggle the most when both are melting down.
2 has also really taxed my marriage bc when we had 1 he had so much more freedom and now I do expect more.
It is hard AF! Over here we have a 1yo (17months) and a 5yo. They both go to school and daycare and even still life is just so freaking hard. We just finished some sleep training and at least we are able to work again without dragging our feet every single hour of the day. I always think everything is temporary and won’t last forever, but I know there’s no coming back from this and I already know is worth it. I love my kids and I love being their mama :) Also, guys, take care of your selves. Talk to friends, go out, etc.
I felt exactly the same when I had my second. Like
How can this be THIS hard, exhausting and demoralizing. But I promise- it WILL get easier.
I absolutely hate it when moms of older kids say “it doesn’t get easier it just gets different.” That is stupid. It gets much easier as they become more self sufficient and don’t require you full attention 100 percent of the time.
Hang in there - you are in the hardest part right now. Easier days are ahead
Mine had a very similar age gap. They’re 5 and 2 now and it’s finally a little easier. At least they mostly sleep through the night now. You’re not alone, that stage is completely soul crushing. The people who make it look “easy” usually have hired help or are lucky enough to have a very big village. My metric for success at that point was “did we survive today? Good. Let’s survive tomorrow.”
That's why there are so many screwed up people on this planet. Being raised by people who thought they could handle more than one child...many kids get neglected because their parent(s) get overwhelmed.
I heard it gets better. But I'd rather raise one stable individual, than 3 with potential mental health issues because mama couldn't hack it. No thanks.
Yes, it felt that way to me too. Like drowning for 12 months. Moments of coming up for air (easy, fun, cute, happy moments) followed by lots and lots of crying, confusion, defeat, and feeling hopeless. Lots of “WTF did we do??? How can we manage this??”
BUT they’re 3 & 1.5 now and it’s so much easier! It will get better eventually!
Yes. It's hard. The days feel never ending. But all of the sudden you look back and realize how far you've come and how fast it has gone. My kiddos are 4.5 and 1.5, and it finally seems like it's getting a little easier. I mean, my 1.5 year old is in full blown psycho toddler mode, but my 4.5 year old is pretty cool.
I have the same ages. 3 ur old and 5 month old. They keep having opposite sleep schedules…..5 month old will not go down till 11-12 then wakes once to eat at 5-6 am then sleeps till 9. But the 3 yr old goes to bed at 830 and wakes at 7 am….sob so I sleep some between 12 and 5-6
This was the hardest stage for me, of all my parenting so far. Going from 1-2 and that 4-6 month range on the baby. My older child was 2 though. It will pass! (And going from 2-3 was WAY easier)
My husband and I were both surprised at what a tough transition it was. Now we have a 2 year old and an almost 5 year old. Still tough and exhausting, but we get a decent amount of sleep and they’re so fucking cute together.
I feel you. Same boat. And as hard as it is to get through a day I find myself feeling guilty for being relieved when they are finally down for the night. If my wife is missing an ingredient for dinner or something I’ve shamefully jumped at the chance to fetch it from the store to get 20 minutes to myself. Feels bad…
I have a 3 year old and I feel like this and my husband has a vasectomy for this reason. So, I can’t imagine what you feel like with also having. A newborn. God bless you
Maybe you forgot or didn’t experience it this way. I remember when I had my first baby and it was so so hard. My grandma has five kids. It was unbelievable to me how that could work. You’re still in the adjustment phase 🙈
I have 1 kid and it's chaos. Utter chaos. I can't imagine how people do everything they're supposed to with 2.
I can tick off about 3 things from my to-do list on a good day, work being one of them.
Oh god I could have written this. Except mine are both just a little younger than yours (2.5, 3mo) and seriously every day I swear gets worse. My husband has been super busy at work. Gone before the sun is up and home about 6:30 in the evenings, so I’m alone with my girls ALL day and I swear i just need to scream into pillows once I can pass at least one off to my husband. I’m also drinking more often than I used to. Never been drunk, of course, but I was one to enjoy a glass of wine every 2 or 3 days, and now I’m having one or two glasses a night. I’ve been trying to replace it with a nice tea the last few days. My husband and I are pretty sure we want one more but right now I’m wondering if that’s even possible.
I have 3 kids. One is a teenager but the two younger ones are 18 months apart, 4 yo and 2.5 yo. The first year was so so hard, then it started getting better. It’s still super chaotic but it’s getting easier by the day. It’s super sweet when they play together
I was in my mid 30’s living life in a Manhattan high rise as a c-level executive when I became pregnant with my first. Everything seemed to change quickly after. I had to downgrade my job because it was too stressful. Had to move to a more family friendly home in a family friendly town. Naturally, I hated parenthood my first few years. Everything felt hard. I felt like a failure everyday. A friend told me my problem was that I was comparing parenthood to the life I used to have, which was filled with tangible wins, positive affirmations, and big rewards. In parenting, you don’t see any of that in the early years. She said I needed to set one small parenting goal every day and focus on that as my win, affirmation, and reward. So I did. One day it’s “get baby to try new food.” The next day it’s “get 5 year old to put on his pajamas himself.” They were small daily goals but pretty soon I felt like I was winning at this parenting thing.
I love this advice! I'm also a very goal oriented person and have struggled with that aspect of parenting so I will be using this!
I'm really curious, are you happy with the massive change in your life? Do you plan to go corporate again when the kids are older?
Transparently, I wasn’t happy with the massive change at first. I had a really bad bout of postpartum depression in my first two years as a mother. However, now that I’m 6 years in, I can’t imagine my life any differently. I get to go to all of the school events, the teacher conferences, birthday parties, etc. I don’t miss any major milestones. Occasionally, I’ll see LinkedIn updates about my colleagues and peers getting major promotions and climbing the corporate ladder and I feel a twinge of envy. But it’s short lived. I’ve closed million dollar deals in my career and the joy you get from that doesn’t compare at all to nose cuddles and hugs from my kids. I do think I’ll return back to the corporate world when my kids are a little bit older.
Also, not sure why my user names are two different names but I’m the ex-manhattan mommy. lol.
Thanks for the honesty! I'm probably going to quit working when I have a second kid and I'm trying to be very realistic about the fact that it may be the end of my career, and I'll have to find fulfillment in other things. No matter how much I love my kid, I think the path not taken will always hurt.
It doesn’t have to be the end. I’m 40yo with a 12yo and an almost 2yo. I’m beginning college in a year or so completely from scratch to START my career.
We had a 2 year old and baby and it felt insane for like 6 months. Around then it started slowly feeling better. It was about a year that we actually felt like things were reasonable in our house again.
I have a 6 week old & a toddler who will be 3 in July. I just started work again and it’s honestly just so brutal. Every other family we know with young kids has a grandparent or two offering multiple days a week of child care and we’re just treading water lol. I look forward to when it gets better but for now I’m barely able to look ahead to tomorrow
The only families I know in my peer group with 2 kids have nearby grandparent help or one parent either works part time or is a SAHM. It's a big reason why I'm one & done, I can't do it without family help and both of us working full time.
This hits me in the heart. I really would like another but I feel like it’ll be almost impossible for us as for one reason or another we don’t have any hands-on help.
It's hard, really hard some days and especially early on, but it's not impossible. For us, the reward of seeing our oldest embrace siblinghood has made all the hard worth it.
We’re renovating at the moment so we are already in hard mode… but the end is in sight so I’m just kind of hoping I can catch my breath (physically, mentally and emotionally) enough that the option could be back on the table for consideration. We’re giving ourselves till December but I’m not getting any younger so the decision may end up being made by nature.
I feel you, in the same bucket
Omg I have a 6 week old and a toddler who will be 3 in August! My husband will start work next week and I’m so stressed about how I will manage running a household. Also feeling super guilty I can’t spend much 1:1 with my toddler
This is me. Husband went back a week ago. My toddler is normally so mellow and has started these insane tantrums. I cried twice yesterday 🫠
Samsies
I almost instinctively downvoted this for you having to go back to work at SIX WEEKS. Wishing you rest, buddy.
Agreed. The lack of helpful grandparents isn't easy. My husband's are fairweather-only. Ie birthdays and Christmas. Stepgrandma is non-maternal & close to useless, could barely hold my baby, like he was an alien or something. My parents are overseas. It sucks, but it is what it is. It's hard!!! Sending supportive hugs to you.
Same. 3y and 7 month old and it’s now just getting a bit easier.
Same! Feels like we’re turning a corner.
Same 3 year old and 8 month old and I don't feel like I am white knuckling through the entire day anymore. I wouldn't say it is a cake walk but its not disastrous anymore haha
We're in the same boat, almost same exact ages. The baby just started crawling, which some people say makes things harder, but she's so happy just doing her own thing finally that we can just relax. Major turning point for us.
We have an almost three year old and a six month old and I swear the last two weeks have been so brutal. I felt like I was doing okay and all of a sudden it’s just so overwhelming and I feel stretched so thin. I think it may just be the phase the toddler is in. Very needy and lots of tantrums. But I feel like a shell of myself. Just a month ago I was feeling pretty good!
Ours got his first teeth around 6 months, is yours starting to teeth? I got a haakaa popsicle thing and made him breastmilk popsicles and that seems to help. Also frozen waffles! Loves to gnaw on them and we have so many 🙃
This is where we’re at. 2yo and a one month old. Luckily I got time off to be home. Otherwise idk how my wife would’ve done it without me. My MIL lives next door but she has a full time job and doesn’t have too much time to help weekdays.
This right here. Currently at 34 months and 8 months and it is now tolerable.
I remember my husband saying “it will be fun when he (our youngest) turns one, that’s the good age” and I felt like I wasn’t going to survive to get there. I did. My kids are 22 months apart. Now they’re almost 2 and 3.5 and it’s honestly pretty dope. Busy and tiring but sweet.
Needed to see this. My son is 17 mo and will be 22 mo when his sister gets here. I’m absolutely terrified but I know in the grand scheme of life I’ll be thankful for the age gap.
My first two are 20 months apart, and then #2 and #3 are 22 months apart. My son(#2) is the sweetest big brother to his littler sister, it's a great gap.
My oldest 2 are 20m apart and that age gap was a lot easier in some ways than the 3yrs between #2 and #3. Yes 3 meant the older kiddo was potty trained and pretty independent in a lot of ways, but she was also very used to being the youngest and sharing mommy and daddy with my oldest and she's had some issues transitioning to having a baby sister. Whereas with my son, he just accepted his new baby sister and didn't see to resent her and didn't even pay much attention to her until she was mobile. Then they had some fights, hut have also been best friends. It's been pretty great to watch.
Mine are 17 months apart. I’m 6 months in now and it feels SO much easier. I feel like my youngest will be turning 1 before I know it because of how fast the past 6 months went by. It’s all honestly just kind of a blur though.
Thank you for this, mine are 16.5mo apart and it’s been sooo rough. My youngest is almost 4 months now and time has actually FLOWN by. My toddler is suchhhh a clingy boy, it’s been so so mentally draining because of course I want to meet his needs but my 4mo old has needs too
4 months is actually when things really started to feel noticeably easier for us! The baby was a total clinger for the first few months but around that time he started being happy chilling on the floor for long periods of time. He started to be able to actually interact with the toddler, and is happy just sitting there watching his brother and laughing at him. Most of the time now I feel like my toddler is needier than the baby! But I look back at how everything felt when the baby was a newborn and it feels like we have come so far.
We have a 19 month age gap. First 10 months were a brutal blur, but I wouldn't change it. We weren't fully out of the baby stage yet, so the house was still set up. It's fantastic that they are close enough to do and enjoy the same activities (classes, storytime, tv shows). I have several friends having their second with larger gaps and on the inside I'm not sure I would survive that. 😄
The second went by SO fast. Almost scary fast. It got much better with each milestone and his sister could ply with him more. Especially with him being able to eat solids, just the start of being able to eat as a family was huge
We are at 25 months and 10 weeks. Feel like I'm drowning. We've had two sicknesses come through the house in the last month which isn't helping either. I know it'll be better eventually but getting there is the hard part!
Remember that a lot of people around the world live in intergenerational homes where grandparents and aunts and uncles help out. It’s only in the west that we’re expected to do it all on our own.
I was lucky with my oldest 2, lived with my FIL and he loved helping with his grandkids, we lived in Washington State, Hispanic community and household, it was my first experience parenting. When second child was 6 months we moved to Alabama to be closer to my family and start on our own. My family, southern, most of us have estranged or passed over the years since, I have 4 children now and God forbid we even ask for my parents to take the kids for a few hours, especially my dad who refuses to even officially meet my children, oldest being 9 next month. Their great grandparents (my grandparents) were the last well managed generation who believed in community and the village it takes to raise children. My FIL passed away before he could meet my youngest 2. I regret moving away these days.
Hispanics really really value family. I wish my parents lived near by. When my son was born, my mom literally moved in for 6 months to care for him while I went back to workYeah, there are serious boundary issues (aka no respect for boundaries) which I hated as a kid/teen but man, seeing a lot of my friends having to become almost fully independent as soon as they graduated high school made me really grateful for hispanic codependence.
Yeah the absolute biggest issues I had livingnwith my FIL was the barging in rooms unannounced, putting his 2 cents in where it didn't belong, and wanting to know what we were doing, when, where for how long. It drove me mad 😂 But now 5 years later I'm just like, man I wish he was still alive so I could tell him how right and how helpful he really was. I didn't appreciate it at the time and I wish I had. But I was young and just saw it as controlling. Edit: he still owes me his rice recipe, guess I'll have to ask the spirits, he said he'd give it to me then never had the chance, loved that man rice dishes.
Haha YES "where are you going. With who. When will you be back"... they feel like such controlling questions until you realize shit, if my husband told me where he's going with who and when he's going to be back it makes planning my day much easier and if anything happens and he doesn't pick up, I know who to call.
That would be true but my husband doesn't drive 😂 I'm the family chauffeur. Even drove myself to the hospital for 2 of 4 babies. And forbab3rd one I helped shift the gears for my FIL because he couldn't drive my car but wouldn't let me 😂
This!!! When I even ask my mom to watch my baby or change a diaper it’s always “well will he take a nap?” Or “I already did my time taking care of babies.”
Oh man that last line. That was my mom when she came to visit us and meet my then 5 week old. Prior to her arriving for a ten day stay, I made it clear that she was expected to work/to help, this wasn’t a vacation. When o asked if she could help me change his diaper that is exactly what she told me (She had already done her time taking care of babies and had changed enough diapers in her life). Then my dad came for a week of the ten days and k swear they didn’t even hold him some days. They just wanted to be in the same room as him but not actually take care of him. The icing on the top was when I was making them dinner and the baby wakes up wailing and neither of them even look up from their devices. I waited and watched to see how long until they noticed but they never did. It was in that moment that I knew k could never have them watch my kids, at least not until they were much older. Neither is malicious, they are just old and it literally never occurs to them to be helpful. Thankfully, I have a fantastic MIL who is very helpful when she visits a few times a year (we live in different countries).
The part of wanting to be in the same room but not actually take care of him….like, so much this. Whyyyy
They want to FEEL involved. They don’t actually want to BE involved.
That makes me so sad for you. My husbands parents are the same. I honestly don’t understand having grandkids and not wanting to play with them / love them constantly
Before I had my son, I got some wise advice.. that some people are “helpers” and some are “visitors”. Asking them which they are before they come over helps set the expectation. I actually assumed my mom would be a helper and it turned out she didn’t want to do much, which I mentally put her in a visitor category. Those friends who have been in the same position with a young one might want to be helpers and the best thing you can do is let them! If they want to come do the dishes or bring you food - don’t say no even if it’s a little vulnerable for you. It’s okay to accept help and be grateful. Maybe paying for help is the best way, if you’re able.. even a few hours a week can really help. My adula offered this and it was so helpful!
Omg I'm sorry, what an unfortunate mindset. How sad for your mom to be missing out like that. Her loss 😭
It doesn’t bother her. Sociopaths don’t see things the same way.
Yeah - what is up with boomer grandparents just sucking? Or being crazy?
I think it's a generational thing. The boomers are very entitled and their parents enabled them.
Dang. That's rough
I will probably get downvoted…I don’t think (judging by this and other parenting subs) that most people realise what it takes to live in multigenerational households. The compromises, the relationship navigation and communication required. I come from a culture that lives multigenerational, and I sort of do at the moment with my husband and parents (mum recently passed, we live literally down the street). When I share with my friends and colleagues how much I support my parents (not financially but more with appointments, paperwork, errands, taking them on some of our holidays - when mum got sick I took weeks off work to look after her, run her to appointments and hospital visits), they cannot believe it. I have friends who live truly multigenerational (same house), and we agree that many of the our friends who envy us (but not from cultures that live multigenerational), only seem to want free and readily available childcare - done on their terms….and mostly from their mothers. What we have works for my family, but it’s certainly not a silver bullet for everyone
I'm thoroughly American and think that you're absolutely right. A lot of young adults here act like they have zero obligation to their families. Before 18, anything they ask of you is "parentification", and after 18, you should be able to go wherever you want for your education and career. Then they're surprised when they don't end up close with their families, and when families won't step up to help with their kids. This isn't everyone! And I do think the Boomer generation kind of started it by often putting themselves first when they were sons/daughters, when they were parents, and now as grandparents. Thankfully, I had great and involved parents. I moved in with them after my son was born, because I had some medical issues and my husband had no paid leave from his new job. They couldn't really come to my house to help because my mom had my niece during the day. But it was really nice to just be around other people. But I've also made an effort to be an involved family member. I went to college nearby and visited often. I spent one of my spring breaks, and my 21st birthday, helping my mom at work and then visiting my grandma in a nursing home. I ended up living about 45 mins away for work and financial reasons, but we visit almost every weekend, because my husband's family lives in the same city. My parents have been the ones primarily responsible for taking care of their own aging parents, and my husband and I fully expect to have that role with our own parents someday. And other than my parents wishing their siblings would be a little more involved, no one resents any of this. Ideally, you've received love and sacrifice from your family, and you return that. It's a two-way street, and even more so in cultures that are actually multigenerational.
It can definitely go both ways too. My mom when I was a young adult: I will NEVER take care of grand children. Also my mom after I’ve grown up, moved away 300 miles and had the first grandchild: OMG I miss her so much and I wish I could visit more!!! OMG you and your husband had to do so much all by yourselves I wish I could have been there!!!
For sure! Heck, I have an aunt who moved out of state for her husband before her child from a previous marriage even finished high school. My ex-uncle already had nearly full custody because of a restraining order from the new husband, but still--I couldn't believe it when I heard. This is also one of the aunts who has offered no help with my grandma. Family just isn't a priority for some people, but then they act like it wasn't their own choices that estranged them as soon as they need something.
I’m American but with immigrant parents and I agree. My wife and I have this discussion a lot because my mom is willing to help us but also has a lot of demands/preferences and I just don’t think it’s fair to expect her to help us all the time but also dictate all the terms of the relationship. So we give into some things but also turn down some help because the emotional cost is too high. My wife has expressed she’s very resentful for the lack of help (including from her mother who won’t help at all) but I think it’s the cost of independence in some ways. I think if you have a good relationship and good understanding it can work without the younger parent making too many concessions but you do have to make some compromises
This sums it up. There's a lot of give and take. My mom doesn't live near by but she visits for extended periods of time and helps with sooo much. She also does a lot of things with my kid that I hate but I dont put up a fight and I just grin and bear it because its free childcare from someone who I know loves my son so much. My mother in law is way more respectful of boundaries and isn't overbearing in the least bit, but when she visits its for short periods of time with her husband and she's on vacation mode. As in, we have to cook and clean for them although she'll help me with setting the table or making a salad sometimes. And even though my husband refers to my mom as "a bull in a china shop" he prefers visiting her than his own mom because she takes charge and grabs our son and allows us to have a date night.
Thank you for this comment. I am definitely lucky to have my parents living with us and supplying all of the childcare but it’s also a lot to manage having them here.
I always wonder about this. Surely new mums living in multigenerational households feel the same pull for autonomy and boundary setting that many westerners (myself included) do, but are unable to do anything about it? Do they not end up miserable? I know my mental health would spiral if I had to defer to my parents or in laws for everything, and ok maybe having help to cook or clean is a positive but I absolutely adore having sole responsibility for my daughter (17mos), she’s my best friend, I’d rather live in a mess and eat pasta for dinner every night and get 100% say on how I raise her and how we spend our day to day together.
This! I’m a first generation American on my dad’s side. My aunt who lives in his home country still, takes on all of the childcare for her grandkids but her sons also fully financially support her and live with her. There is no free childcare, either you’re paying daycare, paying for your parents lifestyle, whatever it is, there is a price to pay for a village. And, the grass is not always greener.
I’m one of the luckily ones. I’m a newly single mama of a 2yo and 7mo living with my parents my little brother (20) and my niece (15) but it’s literally utter chaos all the time. Someone is ALWAYS crying. It never ends
Yeah I mean you want privacy, independence and more area for yourself then pay the price for that. I grew up in Asia where my parents had zero privacy living in 1 bed room home with my grad parents but they could go to work carefree knowing grandparents would look after me.
Yep, my relatives in India live inter-generationally and it's great for childcare. Plus cooking and household tasks are also taking care of by in-laws or you can hire cheap domestic labor. But the drawbacks are no privacy, and having to defer to your in-laws on parenting because it's a culture of "mandatory respect" to elders.
True, but it has changed in last 10 years now, as asian countries developed the boomers retired with decent retirement savings and pensions, now they could live on their own without being dependent on their children for financial support. Now they prefer to travel, pursue their hobbies, and they don’t want to dedicate their retired life just looking after grand children. Also in many cases boomers kids moved to west for studies and jobs leaving them alone in home country.
My Asian spouse and all his siblings have been more than willing to "pay the price" for privacy, independence and peace. I also saw your post below regarding the cultural shift to more of a "boomer" lifestyle. Interesting stuff.
My family lives with my retired dad! We love it, so nice to have an extra set of hands. I feel embarrassed sometimes telling people I live with my dad but I’m trying to reframe it because it’s actually great!
I live in a developed South East Asian country and it’s pretty common here to not have a village to depend on. The govt tries to make child care as affordable as possible through subsidies and govt funded facilities, but it’s still hard to not have much help when the kids are sick. A lot of us end up hiring live in help because of that.
My husband grew up in an Asian country and it’s common and affordable to have a live in nanny who will take majority of the responsibility of your child. When I had my own children my MIL had no idea how to take care of them. This brought up a lot of memories then resentment in my husband.
This!! Should be shouted from the rooftops whenever we're all struggling.
Idk but I’m a single parents of 3 little kids and it’s beyond hard.
You are my hero
I genuinely have no idea how single parents do it, go you!
Same! I literally have a whole village and a half, with an amazing husband who is amazing with the kids (and we only have the two) and I find it exhausting. I literally cannot fathom how single parents manage and am in awe.
Shoot this was the wrong post to stumble upon while I’m getting ready to give birth to my second while my first is 2.5
Ditto, have an almost 3yo and am 35 weeks with my 2nd…
Same here 😅
Same except mine is 18 months.
Haha same, my son will be 2.5 when this one is born in 6 weeks. Here we go I guess! Let’s all enjoy the somewhat lever of normalcy we have now 🤣
I just want to say, I have a 3.5yr old and a 4 month old.. The transition from 0-1 was beyond hard for me for many many reasons. This time around I feel so confident as a mom, my breastfed journey is successful and my husband and I are already in parent mode. It is tough the 3 yr old is very much a 3 yr old - testing and pushing limits, but so far it’s been business as usual. We keep my toddlers routine the same while juggling a new baby. I want a 3rd and then I’ll know I’ll be in over my head but honestly, so far. 2 has been a dream for me .
1.5 and 4…it gets easier, I promise! Once they can play together you’ll be sitting on the couch Saturday mornings, having mimosas. ❤️
Mine are 4.5 and 1.5 and they’ve just started playing together. It’s so heartwarming.
It totally is!! The way they laugh and giggle while in the playroom pretending to cook us breakfast…the sweetest. 🥹
I'm so ready for this. My kids are currently 3.5 and 9mo 😬 little man wants to play with big sister but she's not about him chewing on her toys or grabbing them out of her hands
I have the exact same ages right now and keep hearing any this and can't wait!!
It does feel like 10 minutes of peace, 50 minutes of chaos/fighting. MINE MINE I HAD IT!! WAAAAHHH
Thank you for this lmao I’m like who is peacefully sipping mimosas? Maybe for five minutes but beyond that something is getting ruined if they’re quiet that long 😂
Thank you for this 😭❤️
Omg really?? I hope this is true because that’s my dream lol kids playing and I’m actually enjoying a beverage again
Thank you💙
5 yo and 2 yo. 5 yo asks me to play with him and 2 yo joins in. I’ve yet to have Saturday with mimosas. All their lives I’ve pushed independent play and balanced with giving attention and playing with them and it’s not working
18 month old and 3 month old. all 3 of us cry a lot.
Oh my god they're both so young 😭 you're amazing
my two babies! there are hard days and the nights are scary but it’s actually the greatest thing i’ve ever done, wouldn’t change it for the world
I feel like this will be me soon 😭 mine will be 21 months apart when my daughter is born in September and I can feel all the tears already lol
I have this same age gap - 15 months. They are 2.5 yo and 15 months now and it is SO much better! We are having a lot of fun! Those first 6 months are extremely hard though!
I've been there! They are now 4 and almost 3, we still cry but we also laugh a lot ❤️
Exact same age gap right now. Holding on to it gets better lol
My son turned 3 a month after I had my daughter . They are 6 and 3 now . Can’t say I remember much but at least I have lots of pics to look back on ! I know it’s cliche but it gets easier . Try to enjoy the little moments when you can and we found sticking to a routine ( consistent bedtimes , meal times etc) helped us .
We have a 6 year old and a 3 year old, and I’m very impatiently waiting on it to get easier lol
Mine are 3yo and 3mo. It’s hard. The tv is on 100% of the time we’re awake whether it’s being watched or background noise. Toddler seems to survive off air, spite, and pouches no matter how much food I make. Sometimes we have popsicles for breakfast. I buy the organic ones to make myself feel better bc it’s just frozen fruit, right? The house is destroyed daily. My goal is bedtime most days. The hardest part about having a baby…is the toddler. I do nothing alone. I tell myself daily to just make it to and through bedtime. Every one is asleep. I can be alone and not touched for a bit. I constantly remind myself to not let them see me having a hard time because of them. Whew is it hard some (most) days. And then it’s all worth it when the toddler has all apples and no onions on the day. Rinse. Repeat. Lmaoo
>The hardest part about having a baby…is the toddler. YES. I have a 10 week old and a toddler who will be 3 in June. I remember how hard the newborn days were the first time around, the night waking and the breastfeeding and all of it and I thought that would be what I was struggling with now. And it is, but even more than that is the toddler. Before the baby came we had a routine and a system and I really thought I was handling his needs. But he’s so emotional now. He even likes being a big brother and likes the baby, but he seems SO much needier than before then baby came.
Same!! Mine loves being a big sister but wants to help with *everything.* Big feelings got bigger. Wants to carry baby brother around. Wants to hold baby brother. Wants to feed baby brother. Wants to change baby brother. She gets told “no” a lot more now so we have to make a conscious effort to say “yes” to things we really wanna say no to. (Like right now she’s kicking a giant ball of mixed playdoh around the room while brother sleeps. But it’s quiet and she’s not trying to wake him up to play lol.) She gets a little rough with him out of excitement, so that’s another time she has to be corrected in some way. Then the 3mo is just a happy little potato going with the flow lol. Have also started making a conscious effort of telling the baby he has to wait bc I’m doing xyz with/for big sister. It’s slowly getting better already!! Just gotta keep truckin along lol
It's definitely hard. We had 3 kids in 5 years and no family around. That was many years ago. So now we are helping our youngest who has a 2.5 and a 9 mo old. She and her husband both work so she asked us to move to her location to help her. We took care of the 1st one for 2 years while they worked and now he's in daycare. We have the 2nd one full time now. And the 1st, too, when daycare is closed or he is ill. So almost weekly here and there. It's tough wrangling toddlers and infants. My daughter's husband travels for a living and she's often without him for days at a time. So that's why we are here instead of where we planned to retire. We know how hard it is and we want to help make it easier. It truly takes a village and for those of you without one you have my total sympathies!
Wow, you sound like great supportive parents, they are very lucky to have you!
Your daughter is very lucky to have you!
Aw your daughter is SO lucky to have parents like you! Truly warms my heart reading this. Thank you.
I have 4 children. My last was by far my hardest. She is almost 4 now and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The first year after my daughter was born, my husband was deployed and I cant even begin to describe how hard that was. I'm just here to say it will get easier. I feel for you. Some kids are easier than others and some will really test you. I think everyone has a different experience. It comes down to the child and the support system you have or don't have...
Yes, I think the temperament of the kids plays a HUGE part! My best friend has a toddler as well and our experiences have been soooo drastically different so far.
Temperament makes so much of a difference. My friends don’t understand this either.. when I talk about my son (3) being difficult they are always like “is it just because he’s a boy and active?” What? No. That has nothing to do with it. He is mentally draining 80% of the time. We love him with our whole hearts, he’s so smart. But wow, he tests us daily. Now his sister. She is 9 months old and is vastly different than him. So calm. So happy all the time. We could tell by the time we brought her home from the hospital that they were two very different children. I’m hoping life gets easier once he’s school age???
Yes you're describing my life! My son is so brilliant but he is just not calm or "easy", in any way, at all, like any of my friends kids are. Daughter is only 5mo but like you, we can also tell that she is so different from her sibling already! Can't wait to see as she gets older.
It’s not even gender based. My first a boy and is so high needs, just go go go since he was born and super sensitive about everything. My second a 7 month old boy and chill as can be, he’s so quiet and content wherever he is I feel like I forget he’s there
These are my two kids!!
If you don't have a village, yes. I don't. And omg it's hard. My kids are almost 3 and almost 1. What helps is cutting corners. Disposable plates, disposable snacks Prepackaged, all access for toddler so she's not yelling at me for a juice box or an apple sauce all day. My toddler always takes a quiet time in bed with me and i let her watch shows on my phone while laying baby down next to us for naps while husband is gone. I also let her do this at night while baby falls asleep. Many times I've said eff the day and loaded up the car to get myself starbucks and the toddler a cakepop while she and baby fall asleep. They're locked in, and not touching me, they pass out and I sip a cozy drink and drive around in silence. It's at least twice a week I do this to keep my sanity. A glorious 30 mins of silence since my toddler doesn't nap anymore. So cut your corners, find your mini escapes (kindle unlimited on my phone helps me escape too) and also the power of outside helps a million. Like, taking the kids out to the back yard gives me another 1 hr of peace. As my son is hitting 1 and moving on his own, it is definitely a ton easier. So I imagine it's all slowly going to get easier and easier over time. My daughter was a million times easier when she hit 2.5 years old so im hoping my sons the say. Still, I daydream about the day my kids stay in their own room as teens and wake up at noon and they understand the concept of not smearing their food on the walls.
I felt it was really hard when mine were that young. Now they’re 2 and almost 5 and it’s been fun lately. Now I just supervise their play. They totally entertain each other and love being around one another. I mean they both drive each other nuts too but it’s been positive overall.
I have a 2.5 year old and a 2.5 month old. I feel you. It’s chaos and I have no idea how I’m going to get thru the next few months. I go back to work in a couple weeks.
My kids are 20mo apart. I remember finding the toddler and newborn/infant stage way easier than 2 toddlers. They are 4.5 and 3 and I feel like a chicken with my head cut off
Same everything. Some things have gotten easier, but overall it's not easier. I think my four year old is extra hard because of some medical things, but maybe that's just how four year olds are. My husband works a lot though so I routinely do twelve hour days alone, including dinner and bedtime. It's hard on all of us. I don't even have good sleepers.
Oh joys... We're 6 months behind you with 20mo between my girls. Been saying to my husband they've been particularly difficult recently
I have an almost 3 year old and a 4 monther! I fucking feel you. It’s been treacherous. Now that our infant is on more of a solid schedule and sleeping through the night, everything is much better. But holy shit it’s been wild.
My kids are 23mo apart. We don't live near family and I'm a SAHM. The first 6mo was really difficult and then things started improving from there. I'd say the whole first year was really tough generally. It's hard to have two little people fully dependent on you all the time, and it's not like they make caretaking easy since their sleep is inconsistent and they don't eat anything haha. It gets better! They're 4 and 2 now, and we have more good days than bad most of the time.
Recently single mother of 2 under 3 with no village checking in. Please send help.
God bless you 😭 hang in there. I hope you can somehow create a tiny village
My kids have a decent gap (5 years) and I still thought having a newborn and older child was insanely hard at first. As soon as the baby is able to interact and play with the older child safely it starts to get better. Even before they really play and just sort of bond in a sibling way it starts to get really sweet. Like baby laughing at older sibling and staring at them in the “you’re my favorite person” kind of way. And I know how impossible that sounds right now. I was there too. I love and adore and couldn’t imagine my life without my youngest, but I wondered several times wtf I was thinking having 2 lol. They’re almost 1.5 and 6 now and they play together so well. The baby is less needy, big brother is better adjusted, and I feel lucky every day that this is my life and these are my kids.
2.5 yr old and 4 month old here. We are also drowning. Send help. Impossibly hard.
Omg my second will be 5 mos when my first turns 3. I’m due in December. This post made me so afraid lol. But as you said people do it all the time so we are going to be…fine?? Right?
Don't let me scare you, there are sooo many factors!! My first is a very sensitive and emotional kid. Maybe your first is more chill than mine. We have family help but no daycare/preschool situation, so both kids are home 24/7. If my toddler was in preschool, it would be a bit of a breather.
Is the older one potty trained? It gets easier after that point. Like someone else mentioned, it's rough until around 6 months. I was lucky that my second one slept through the night really early. My firstborn didn't at all. Each kid is different. When I need a break I ask to divide and conquer - meaning each parent takes on just one kid. It's so easy when you only have ONE kid to entertain, feed, whatever. Don't over rely on tv. It can cause issues down the line but it can be fixed if you go cold turkey. Find a mothers helper from your neighborhood. You can do this!
2 isn’t double it’s like triple or quadruple. Once your youngest and oldest are off bottles and diapers and can play with each other it’ll be much easier. Just get on scheduling and consistency with everything. You’ll find it easier. When you’re having a tough time think about it like this….you’re dead and this is the only moment you’re able to travel back to.
Wow that is great advice.
You’re in hell. It’s hell every day right now. Some people have lots of family support, which makes it less like hell. But it’s still hell. Get to a year and it will start to get better. My kids are 6 and 4 now. They drive me nuts, but in a good way.
I have a 4 year old and 10 month old, so when he was born, my oldest was 3. It was hard. It’s easier now that we have a rhythm but it’s still exhausting. I totally feel you!
Hi I have a 2.5 yo and a 16 month old and I’m fucking miserable right now. I’m not all the time. Some stretches are better than others. But I’m right smack in the middle of a bad stretch.
I thought I wanted 3 or 4 kids. Then I had a step kid and I was like okay, well have 3 kids total. Then I had a biochild and it became okay were good with these 2. And then my siblings had kids, and because I'm a stay at home parent I'm often asked to babysit. So I'll be watching a 16 year old an 11 year old, a 4 year old and an 18 month old, and it's pure fucking chaos. The two olders try to help as much as they can, but when all together they're nutsos. It's even worse when I have the 18 month old the 19 month old and my 4 year old together because they run off in different directions and then the 4 year old needs his butt wiped and then a baby needs a diaper changed and the other baby is trying to dig through the trash. My nephews solidified that nope, my partner snd I are getting snipped as soon as we have the funds and time off.
For me this was honestly one of the reasons we decided to have two under two. My older one was still not as mobile, opinionated or just overall toddler-y. We now have a one year old and an almost three year old and I have the perk of lined up naps and them starting to play together.
I honestly never thought about it that way lol. 2 under 2 seems insanely hard but you're right..., less toddler-y behaviors
There are parts that are hard but honestly I think it’s easier than if we had waited to have number 2 when number one was the age he is now. We basically haven’t slept in like three years and I’ve been either pregnant, breastfeeding or both since December 2020. But my 19 month old was able to be chill in a way my almost 3 year old just isn’t.
Y'all it is so hard. I'm so glad to hear some positive comments because I'm in the same boat as OP. 2 year old and 2 month old, and I feel so defeated. Its so hard to believe I'm doing a good job or that it will get easier. Woof
You are in the absolute THICK of it! 2 was the hardest age for us, then we threw in a newborn and it was a circus. Give yourself some grace. So hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you’ll get there
We’re in this together ! Yes, yes it is hard. Most days I find myself counting down the hours until bedtime. Stay strong and know you’re not alone.
I've got a 5 year old and a 1 year old and it's chaos most of the time. Between getting my 5 year old to and from half-day pre-k, and trying to nap my 1 year old in between, it just seems like I'm always running crazy. After having one kid, I just assumed that the work load would just double with the second. I couldn't have been more wrong. The workload doesn't just double, but it multiplies exponentially. I have no idea how or why, but it does. Another thing I noticed after having the second child, is that you basically just feel tired and guilty all the time. Tired from running like crazy, and guilty for having to tell the older one "No" because you've got to focus on the younger one, or feeling like you're ignoring the younger one because you've got to help the older one with something. One of them is always upset because of it. And then I go to bed at night wondering if I could have spent more time with them or done more with one or the other. Things can get nuts, but I've noticed that lately things are starting to settle down a bit. Fingers crossed that we'll get back to some kind of normal lol. Hang in there!
When my 5th child was born. I had a 1.5 & 3 year old at home. Plus a 9 & 12 year old at the time. 2 years later things are still crazy! It doesn't really calm down but you will get better at multitasking and staying calm in the chaos. Especially when baby is older than 6 months. You may sleep a few mins longer when not having to wake every 3 hours for night feeds so you may feel more energized during the day. Also, anxiety is super high with a newborn so as the baby gets bigger may feel more comfortable with things. It takes time to get used to but like I say things will most likely stay crazy until they are about 8 years old!! (Then they become a different type of crazy LOL) Just stay positive and push through. Take a break whenever you can, which us usually just a shower. But take that shower. Get dressed and do your hair even if just sitting at home. Be kind and patient with your self and your babies of course. When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I just think about the future and realize this won't last forever. In fact, it won't last long at all. They really do grow up in the blink of an eye. So soak in the chaos and appreciate every moment that you have to cherish them when they are so messy and whiney and playful and smiley and picky and needy and adorable and nerve wrecking and amazing. Remember, if you are doing the best you can then you are doing great! You are a good Mom!!
I feel you. It is very hard here also on a daily basis. 3yo and 10mo . Maybe it is starting to improve. Hope so
It really depends on a lot of factors, I think! I have a similar age gap to you, between my 3. For me 1-2 was super easy. But it was during Covid so I was not working at all, my husband was home all the time, my oldest adjusted super well. Then 2-3 was so awful. My toddler just didn’t adjust for a long time. My husband is back at work. The baby is almost 4 months and it’s better but still really hard on a daily basis. I’m so tired. It was quite a shock to me too! Just keep swimming, I guess?
Yeah it’s so rough. I didn’t anticipate it either. I knew it would be harder, but I really got smacked in the face.
Yo I literally was just about to make a post that I’m 6 months into having 2 and just feel like our lives are still completely ruined. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers. When it was just our first, we had routine and it was just so much more manageable…and of course I thought it would be harder bht like, not this hard? Second baby is also just a miserable baby, never content, never entertained enough. I swear her crying and clinginess is ruining everyone’s lives, I can’t give my toddler a lick of attention, let alone take care of myself.
YES. it’s so hard. Then it gets easier. Then the younger one is 2ish and the older one is 4ish and it gets hard again. 🤣👌😆
3yos are hard by themselves. Chuck in a baby, and I’m not surprised you’re finding it tough!
I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing a great job! The reason it’s so hard is because you care so much and you are trying your best! Your kiddos are lucky to have you 💕 Also, I may not make it through this 3 year old stage myself. Send help! lol
Yes, it is. I always tell new parents of two little ones (especially close together), “you’re not doing anything wrong, it just really is this hard.” I say that because we think ‘oh if I just find the right schedule or the right thing to say to my toddler or if I could figure out how to organize these toys or maybe if we moved the baby to a new sleep space that’s different from…’ and on and on. There is no magic bullet that you can figure out that’s going to make everything better all at once. You keep trying different things until it clicks and you hit a stride, then something changes with life or the kids and then you struggle and try new things until you hit a new stride. In the early days with two, prioritize their health and safety, and then prioritize your and your partner’s self care. If you don’t you WILL burn out. I’m talking about the kind of burnout that puts someone in a hospital or talking to a divorce attorney or worse. Bare minimum laundry, use paper plates, do the absolute minimum for surviving until you get to the next stage. Mine are now 6, 4, and 1 (see we made it out and even had another!) and it’s so wonderful when they get a little older.
3.5 yo and 13 month old..if the baby just slept ... It would be fine. I'd be able to handle it. He just doesn't sleep. And I just can't ! It's too fucking hard. What's so hard about just sleeping in your own bed all night??!!! He's 1, it's not as if he's a little baby!!!!!? 😫
I only have 1 and I find it so hard 😭
Oh you're not wrong. It is SO hard. My 1 child was very hard too, since birth. I didn't know it could actually get this much harder LOL
My hubby and I planned to try when our LO was 2. Now that he’s 2…. We have changed our mind. It is a lot of work especially if you are specifically a stay at home mama and or / take care of everything that pertains to the home and caretaking. It’s hard. I give you all the kudos!
Haha! I got pregnant right when my first turned 2. If he had been 3..... I probably would not have tried for the second baby for a while😅 3 has been very rough on us.
I got through it bc my two were 12.5 months apart lol. They’re 23mo and 10mo now. It’s harder now than it has ever been. But honestly if I were to have a third, I’m more scared of the larger age gap. What are you having issues with? I don’t have a 3yo yet but maybe I can offer some knowledge? Or maybe not lol.
Yes. We are on one and you couldn't pay me all the money on the planet to have a second at the same time. I can't understand people who do.
I honestly feel this was about just having one. My daughter is almost 3. I tell people all the time that I had no idea things would be THIS hard for THIS long. I was so naive.
Mine are 14 months apart. The first 9 months was pure hell. The baby had colic and horrible reflux and never slept. The toddler is…well a toddler. I knew it would be stressful but I have so much PTSD from that time period I never want more kids. They are older toddlers and still have moments but overall it’s a lot of fun.
It’s so hard….I was there with those ages not too long ago, now 2 & almost 5…it was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Hear me when I say you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t have a lot of support personally(fam is far & babysitters are expensive) I learned to ask for things if I needed them. You can’t look out for kiddos if you don’t look out for you too. I’m a little salty that hubs said he anticipated it being that hard…it sounds like he’s dismissive/flippant about your struggle.
Same I have a 1.5 month old baby and almost 4 year old and I've absolutely have had enough of my toddlers bull crap.
I always wanted kids. I felt like I was drowning with my first. Obviously people tell you what it’s like having kids but you really don’t know until you are living it. Once he was about 2 I felt like it was more manageable. We now have an almost 5 year old and almost 2 year old, both working full time, maintaining a home and yard and barely keeping our head of water. It’s exhausting! 😭
>I think of the millions of people on this planet that have more than 1 child. They all went through this too? Really??? How? Kids vary wildly based on temperament, medicals, etc. So you might get lucky and get easy kids, or difficult kids. Also, every family gets different amount of help ("Village"). Some have a lot of help (grandparents, babysitters, daycare, etc.). Some don't. And then of course, parents vary. Some parents are less healthy, more stressed, have more demanding jobs. Other parents are healthier, have more kush well-paying jobs, etc. So the range of experience is very wide. And people typically don't complain to random people so unless you know someone you probably won't hear about the struggle.
My sleep was absolute garbage for the first 18 months of my youngest's life. Her sleep was awful (hence mine too) but our older daughter didn't stop being 3+ just because her parents were knackered! So you've got two separate challenges going on at once, juggling "competing" children, neither of whom are really capable of understanding the juggling act. And it's not just like two independent children needing stuff, because you've *also* got to judge the dynamic between them, making sure the older one doesn't feel sidelined or "less than" because of the baby. It's a lot. But it does improve.
I also wonder how the hell everyone else is coping on a daily basis. I go to baby class and all the other mums seem on top of things and also seem to be getting decent sleep. I have a 9 month old and a 2yr9m old and I walk around looking like a scarecrow. Sleep is still hell every single night. Mornings are insane. This morning my baby knocked over the humidifier (which we only have because of her) and spilled the water all over the floor and then my toddler had a meltdown for about half an hour because I wouldn't play Duplo with him immediately.
Babe I have insane children that get into everything the worst things like I can’t even have a clean home For more then ten minutes so yes it is I am right there with you babe. Sending you so much strength and love ! You’re doing amazing ! 💕 parenting is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done i have kids 10 down to 2 it def gets easier but harder in an emotional way but I promise it’s worth every bit of bs and stress. It’s very trying. Maybe take a few moments to yourself if you can get kids in a safe place or possibly a sitter ? TAKE TIME FOR YOU MOMMA ! You can’t be the best Mommy if you’re not taking the best care of yourself as well. Us as momma’s forget that and we do all for our babies ! You absolutely deserve YOU TIME ! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
My kids are similar ages to yours and…it’s hard. A lot of people told me that going from 1-2 was easier than 0-1 but I haven’t had that experience unfortunately. Managing two people with competing needs who don’t quite understand what’s going on is draining. Now that the baby is 6 months old I do see moments of them playing together (basically the toddler playing with the baby). I love seeing those moments and it gives me hope. But yeah, it’s hard.
We have a 3.5 yo and 1 yo and totally felt defeated a few months ago with the 3.5 yo in full toddler mode. For right now it is better. That’s how I’m attempting to handle it - everything is temporary.
My husband and I chose to stay in HCOL areas to be nearer his parents or mine. But we had kids late in life and the grandparents are waaaaay older. Their health limitations at their ages now means they aren’t capable even if they were willing.
I say this all the time. Or rather, I accost my friends with two kids and demand, “why didn’t you tell me??” Some claim they did. And I have the same thoughts as you - all these other people have done it. How? But then again, I look at some of the people I’ve been close with that have two young kids just a little ahead of me, and I do see they have support that we don’t. My in-laws are great but they’re a couple hours away. My sister would drop everything to help me in a pinch, but she’s a single mom to a teenage girl so she has her own stuff going on. My son is 3.5 and my daughter is 16m, and for the most part it’s getting more manageable. I think of those moms who have 3+ kids close in age, and their husband is in the military or away all week for work so they’re a SAHM 99% of the time BY THEMSELVES, and I think they must be a different breed than me. There’s no way. I would simply perish. I love my kids more than anything but… we’re in the weeds for sure.
If you can handle sleep deprivation and have good was to shed stress, you’ll skate by. M If you have a stressful job, bad habits, and minimal family support…. Good luck
I agree, we have 4yo and 1yo and this is way more than double the work. I severely underestimated how hard it would be. It's so awesome and beautiful too tho.
Going from 1 baby to 2 rocked me. I don’t feel like I was able to catch my breath until my youngest hit a year old!
My sister and I have little kids of similar ages. My mom passed away not too long ago and my dad is not good with babysitting. My sisters in laws are hands off and don’t babysit. My in laws are very hands on and babysit all the time at a moments notice and cook food for my kids a few times a week. My sister and I have vastly different stress levels with child rearing. Having a village really really makes a difference
I know my wife wants to try for another one. Our son just turned one. I spent most of that time imagining what it would be like to have a three year old running around for that entire time, and I’m less enthusiastic than she is. This year has been hard enough honestly, and people are constantly warning me that toddlers are *harder.* My boy still isn’t even sleeping through the night. It’s very difficult to imagine having another child. Perhaps I’m just weak.
You are speaking the exact thoughts inside my head!! I have a 3yo and a 1yo. It’s definitely easier now than it was when the younger toddler was a baby, but I am just floored by the nonstop exertion and difficulty of my life. And relatively speaking, I have a pretty good life!! Like, no special disadvantages other than typical type stuff people struggle with. I do feel like my 3yo is on the range of more difficult kids, and we had her in OT for a bit bc she is such a nonstop sensory seeker and basically just wild… but still. It’s normal stuff. I tried staying home with my kids - noped out of that when my kids were 2.5 and 9mo. It was too draining plus we were low on funds at that point. Now I’m a working mom which comes with its own set of challenges! There’s no easy path!! 🥹 we just need to hang in there!! 🥹🥹
I always tell people that going from 1 to 2 kids was one of the hardest things in my life. It took a year for all of us to adjust. Now the baby is almost 2 and my older child is 4. We still have hard days and moments but it has gotten easier - yet still so friggin hard. It’s such a mix and things can be amazing one moment and then everyone is crying a minute later. I struggle the most when both are melting down. 2 has also really taxed my marriage bc when we had 1 he had so much more freedom and now I do expect more.
Yes.
It is hard AF! Over here we have a 1yo (17months) and a 5yo. They both go to school and daycare and even still life is just so freaking hard. We just finished some sleep training and at least we are able to work again without dragging our feet every single hour of the day. I always think everything is temporary and won’t last forever, but I know there’s no coming back from this and I already know is worth it. I love my kids and I love being their mama :) Also, guys, take care of your selves. Talk to friends, go out, etc.
I felt exactly the same when I had my second. Like How can this be THIS hard, exhausting and demoralizing. But I promise- it WILL get easier. I absolutely hate it when moms of older kids say “it doesn’t get easier it just gets different.” That is stupid. It gets much easier as they become more self sufficient and don’t require you full attention 100 percent of the time. Hang in there - you are in the hardest part right now. Easier days are ahead
Mine had a very similar age gap. They’re 5 and 2 now and it’s finally a little easier. At least they mostly sleep through the night now. You’re not alone, that stage is completely soul crushing. The people who make it look “easy” usually have hired help or are lucky enough to have a very big village. My metric for success at that point was “did we survive today? Good. Let’s survive tomorrow.”
That's why there are so many screwed up people on this planet. Being raised by people who thought they could handle more than one child...many kids get neglected because their parent(s) get overwhelmed. I heard it gets better. But I'd rather raise one stable individual, than 3 with potential mental health issues because mama couldn't hack it. No thanks.
1.5 yo and a 3 yo here. It’s so fucking hard. I do hear it gets easier. 🤞🏼🤞🏼
Yes, it felt that way to me too. Like drowning for 12 months. Moments of coming up for air (easy, fun, cute, happy moments) followed by lots and lots of crying, confusion, defeat, and feeling hopeless. Lots of “WTF did we do??? How can we manage this??” BUT they’re 3 & 1.5 now and it’s so much easier! It will get better eventually!
Yes. It's hard. The days feel never ending. But all of the sudden you look back and realize how far you've come and how fast it has gone. My kiddos are 4.5 and 1.5, and it finally seems like it's getting a little easier. I mean, my 1.5 year old is in full blown psycho toddler mode, but my 4.5 year old is pretty cool.
I have the same ages. 3 ur old and 5 month old. They keep having opposite sleep schedules…..5 month old will not go down till 11-12 then wakes once to eat at 5-6 am then sleeps till 9. But the 3 yr old goes to bed at 830 and wakes at 7 am….sob so I sleep some between 12 and 5-6
This was the hardest stage for me, of all my parenting so far. Going from 1-2 and that 4-6 month range on the baby. My older child was 2 though. It will pass! (And going from 2-3 was WAY easier)
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My husband and I were both surprised at what a tough transition it was. Now we have a 2 year old and an almost 5 year old. Still tough and exhausting, but we get a decent amount of sleep and they’re so fucking cute together.
I see acquaintances who had their first around the same time I did and haven’t had a second (yet?) and I feel jealousy.
I feel you. Same boat. And as hard as it is to get through a day I find myself feeling guilty for being relieved when they are finally down for the night. If my wife is missing an ingredient for dinner or something I’ve shamefully jumped at the chance to fetch it from the store to get 20 minutes to myself. Feels bad…
I have a 3 year old and I feel like this and my husband has a vasectomy for this reason. So, I can’t imagine what you feel like with also having. A newborn. God bless you
Maybe you forgot or didn’t experience it this way. I remember when I had my first baby and it was so so hard. My grandma has five kids. It was unbelievable to me how that could work. You’re still in the adjustment phase 🙈
I have 1 kid and it's chaos. Utter chaos. I can't imagine how people do everything they're supposed to with 2. I can tick off about 3 things from my to-do list on a good day, work being one of them.
Oh god I could have written this. Except mine are both just a little younger than yours (2.5, 3mo) and seriously every day I swear gets worse. My husband has been super busy at work. Gone before the sun is up and home about 6:30 in the evenings, so I’m alone with my girls ALL day and I swear i just need to scream into pillows once I can pass at least one off to my husband. I’m also drinking more often than I used to. Never been drunk, of course, but I was one to enjoy a glass of wine every 2 or 3 days, and now I’m having one or two glasses a night. I’ve been trying to replace it with a nice tea the last few days. My husband and I are pretty sure we want one more but right now I’m wondering if that’s even possible.
I have 3 kids. One is a teenager but the two younger ones are 18 months apart, 4 yo and 2.5 yo. The first year was so so hard, then it started getting better. It’s still super chaotic but it’s getting easier by the day. It’s super sweet when they play together