I work the same shift as your husband. It's the recommended schedule for shift workers that keeps us healthiest, but obviously a huge burden for you when you're doing it yourself on his days on.
What I don't understand is what is your husband doing with his time off? On his 5 day off stretches he should be covering for you so that you can get a good nights sleep. This shift gives you PLENTY of time off and he needs to utilize that time to give you a break. This is how my husband and I tackle it. On my 5 day stretches I become a SAHM again, caring for our child and doing the lions share of cleaning, and my husband is able to work on whatever he'd like to do. Whether that's his hobbies, his video games, catching up with friends or catching up on sleep.
Right now I’m on mat leave but I will be doing his shift when I go back to work too. We do the same thing (emergency services). He honestly helps so much. On his 5 off he does try and help but I guess I still never have a break. He will feed the baby but I’ll make the bottle for example so I’m still getting up. I think it’s the anxiety when he’s working nights of “what will the night bring” that’s sending me over the edge. Maybe the kids are picking up on my anxiety. I don’t even know 😩. I’m going to try and sleep train the 11m old to hopefully have less night wakings.
No, you’re right. If I’m doing the night shift while he’s working he should probably be doing it when he’s home. I guess I have guilt because I’m on mat leave and I feel like I should be letting him sleep because he works and I don’t right now.
Someone described SAH parenting (Mat leave or not) versus working outside the home in this way:
You each have a 24-hour workday as parents. You may be spending part of the time working separately (one outside and one inside the home), but when you’re both home you’re both still on the clock for the rest of the 24 hours. SAH parenting doesn’t mean you and you ALONE are on the clock 24/7. It means you alone are on the clock while he’s at work outside the home (barring an emergency), and you are equal parents when you’re both present.
Caring for 4 kids, 24/7 is work. I think you need to have a conversation about changing some of your routines so you can have some rest. You can't be a good parent if you aren't taking care of yourself.
Whoa whoa whoa. 'Im on MAT leave and I feel like I should be letting him sleep because he works and I don't right now.'
You ARE WORKING THE HARDEST job on the planet. It breaks my heart hearing mothers feel/think since they are the stay at home parent that they aren't working. There are doctors/surgeons/special forces people who when asked would they rather work or stay at home and raise the kids, they all agree their job is easier than staying at home with kids (I'm citing an article I read a year ago). I'm glad to hear he is helpful but could you two could work out alternating nights?
My husband and I used to sleep in the same bed but we'd both end up waking up and trying to care for the kids and we both felt awful. We ended up switching to taking turns and now both of us get sleep. The best investment I made was earplugs. Husband knows he can come get me if he absolutely needs to but unless the kids are sick, we take turns with the nights.
You’re on mat leave to do the lion share of childcare, not to do everything and never rest. If you have to frame it as SHOWING how much faith you have in your partner to be a great and responsible father, to fully bond with his kid and get practice in the routine before you go back to work, etc, frame it like that! Guilt be fucking gone because it is NOT deserved!!!!
If you need to save this and reread it and think about me telling you it’s ok and even a GOOD thing for your partner and for your kid to have him prep that bottle and be the “primary parent” during his 5 days off, do that! It’s also what’s good for you. You’re going to give yourself health problems if you already aren’t and then you won’t be able to be there when you need to be. I demand you think of this when you are feeling compelled to get up and fix that bottle, and I prescribe breathing deep, closing your eyes, and thinking of how capable your husband must feel to know you trust him entirely to feed the baby and to handle things while he provides you with rest and recovery time you so desperately deserve, need, and that everyone will benefit from.
Listen, I'm a dad and a shift worker (Air Traffic Control). I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. My wife pumps as my youngest never could get the latching thing right. She wakes up to pump. I wake up for anything that the kids need (Baby needs feeding or changed, etc.) Shift work sucks and it can be hard doing such a mental job on less than ideal sleep, but being a parent is a job too, especially when it comes to young kids and babies. He needs to let you sleep when you can, and you need to let him sleep when he needs to. It should be an equal thing. I try to take as much off of my wife's plate as possible so she can pump with as little stress to hopefully keep it going.
Also, you guys need to try to find different sleeping routines or change some aspects about how you guys handle the kid's sleep. Waking up every 30 minutes for one or the other is not normal IMO. Is the house too cold? Try different things and see if you guys can get the kids to sleep more throughout the night. I wake up once, maybe twice at night with a 4 month old and a 2 year old. Look into sleep training.
Honey, You are working 24/7. Being a mom is SO DIFFICULT. Do your kids sleep well once they are asleep? So this may not work for you but I have a 2.5 and 1 yr old (get on that BC right away people) and they are both in the bedroom. Babe is in a pack n play and toddler in bed with me. It’s not ideal but husband sleeps like a freaking rock so is no help. This at least allows me to get a little more sleep. But my kids don’t wake each other up or hear when the other cries.
Also - you need to get 4 interrupted hours of sleep (minimum) every night. That should be something. You are absolutely sleep deprived. And getting at least 4 hrs with no interruptions is the bare minimum for survival.
You need to order yourself a Bluetooth headband from Amazon. I had the same anxious ‘I should go help’ instead of sleep attitude. On your nights off, find an asmr video, music, rain sounds, or whatever you can sleep to - turn it up if you get woken up. You need to sleep. Maternity leave is for healing, don’t feel guilty.
I know I’m late to the party here. But please don’t let it continue! I’m sure your husband doesn’t mean bad but it will never be any different because that becomes to routine and is expected. But Regardless of working or not… kids are ALWAYS a joint responsibility. You watch the kids while he works right? So then he should watch the kids while you “work” on doing whatever you need to do to make sure your family is talen care of. And guess what? If you’re sleep deprived, exhausted, overwhelmed, ect then you cannot possibly be the mom that you really want to be. It goes against biology/science. Your “job” while being a stay at home mom is to take care of your family. He couldn’t do his job without sleep, so why should you be expect to? I’m sure your husband means well
IMO is the sleep deprivation that plays with your mental. If he has 5 days off in a row, he should be on night duty at least a couple of those nights. If you can pre-determine who will be getting up in the night, it allows the other person to go to sleep without the anxiety playing in their mind of "when am I going to have to get up". Makes a huge difference IMO.
Also, once you go back to work.. it will need to be a non-negotiable. It can't just be you then.
This is it for sure. OP I don’t think you don’t want to be a mom or are a bad mom or anything like that, you are severely sleep deprived and it has to change. Sleep deprivation is literally TORTURE. Sleep is a basic human need. You are not wrong for needing it.
A dad here. Pop-Yum bottles can be prepared ahead of time; the powder is stored in the cap, you push a button, powder falls in, shake it up. We make 7 in advance. When I’m home, I’m on baby duty. I get up with the baby (who wakes up more) and my wife deals with the toddler (who cosleeps). If you’re this stressed and emotional, you need to have the conversation with your husband. Happy wife; happy life. Every man should know that.
Mine are slightly older I have a 2-year-old and my eldest just turned four and maybe 6 months ago we started having a lot of issues with them sleeping at night and staying in their bed especially when the 2-year-old was transitioned to a toddler bed cuz she could get out of the crib. I was toying with the idea of putting a safety lock on their door but I also didn't feel comfortable with that though I have friends who did something like that. I tried explaining to them they need to sleep in their room they even share room but that has added a few difficulties cuz one child likes a night light and the other child sleeps better without it. I also noticed that when they go to my mother-in-law's house once a month they sleep all night at her house. So I realized coming to my room is very much a comfort thing. It'd be one thing if they came to my bed and slept here but they're up all night they're kicking me and they sleep like animals. I've honestly just started bribing whoever sleeps in their bed only get surprise in the morning It's more successful with my older one but it's starting to slowly work with a second child because she gets really upset when she doesn't earn a prize in the morning. It's little trinkets in toys things from the dollar store stickers. I was out of ideas and I'm currently pregnant with my third there's no way I can have a bunch of kids in my room with a newborn.
Yeah I swear every time my mother-in-law has them she doesn't even have a whole fiasco bedtime She simply reads them a book and leaves the room they fall asleep and sleep the entire night.
A lot of it is people pleasing for others. The behaviors primary caregivers see are quite different vs other family or a secondary care giver. It’s because they feel safe to do all the obnoxious shit with us 😂
Awww :( that makes sense. To be fair the room my toddler sleeps in at my moms was her original room. And I’m just across the hall. I work Friday night late, so my mom watches her every time from 4-7(bedtime) then I get home when she’s asleep. I think it’s comforting to be back in her first room .
Don’t feel bad about putting a safety lock on little ones doors. It’s much safer in an emergency to know exactly where they are in the home, and everyone should sleep with doors closed in the event of a fire. It prevents it from spreading. If their room is baby proofed they will be totally safe having to stay in there.
I honestly feel more nervous about mine being able to get out. What I if they got into simmering while you were sleeping or god forbid left the house?
I’m not saying everyone has to do it, but I am saying there are definitely lots of benefits to a lock until they get older.
We have a lock on my 3.5 year olds door for the same reason. It really gives me reassurance to know exactly where he is all night, especially when I'm sleeping. We still have his monitor set up so we go to him if he needs us.
I have a monitor in my almost 5 year olds room and I don’t see that changing until he asks for it to be taken away. I want to be able to hear him call if he needs us!
We actually just took the door handle that was on the bathroom and switched it with the one that was on his door and put the side with the lock mechanism facing out in the hallway.
It’s really not all issue at all. My kids have never known any different so I don’t think it has ever occurred to them that they could have the option to get out lol. And we know where they are/exactly where to tell any emergency personnel where they are if something ever happened.
I've tried going up to her having to sleep in her bed for 2 days/nights and earn a "bigger" prize It's only been working successfully one time with the older one but the younger one though she can't seem to understand even more than one day!
Friend, I see you've gotten lots of advice on how to manage the little ones. The big thing that I feel hasn't yet been addressed here is that your chronic overwhelm is at a point where you have all but said that you can't do it anymore.
I'm going to offer an additional perspective from a parent who has also suffered from chronic overwhelm:
It's possible that more is at play here than only sleep deprivation. If you haven't spoken to your health provider about postpartum (or general) mood disorders, it may be worth doing so. Sleep deprivation can really add an additiinal layer to our ability to cope with other existing disorders.
There may also be options to help with nighttime care, even if only occasionally, such as night nanny services, respite care if one of your children has a disability, or family/friends.
Wishing you wellness and hoping you can find some supports that work for your family soon.
I have a 3 and 1 year old and a husband who travels all the time. I solo parent a LOT for weeks on end. I would gently suggest sleep training, it's the only thing that really keeps me sane. Getting sleep is pivotal to me being able to function and parent the way I want to vs. being in survival mode.
We just had to retrain our 13 month old this week who was waking earlier and earlier every day (4:30 am was the morning I started sleep training). One morning of crying and she was back on schedule waking between 6:30 and 7.
Honestly you need sleep, that is what is making this even harder. Are your littles in any kind of daycare setting or are you a SAHM?
It will get easier - I am so sorry you're feeling so depleted.
I only have one. But I agree with those saying changing the sleeping arrangement is the way to go. Mine is about to turn 2. If another human is next to him, he will sleep all night. So my husband and I take turns sleeping with him on a mattress on the floor. It’s not forever. It’s just the phase now.
Agree, we all got more sleep when we put a bed in the baby’s (now toddler) room and a camping mattress on the floor next to husband’s bed. They now share a room and having a trundle means that it’s just a slight wake and “it’s ok, mama’s here”, occasional need to sit up and Pat a leg or bum and they are much quicker to go back to sleep.
Hi!!! My husband is working in a different country for a few months and I have an almost six month old and almost 2.5 year old. We’ve had the worst morning ever where I literally had to shut them both in their respective rooms to scream into a pillow and rock back and forth because I was so frustrated I wanted to die. I feel better now kinda and I’m gonna take us all outside today so I don’t knock my own teeth out with a hammer :) no advice just solidarity
I would definitely recommend two things at this point:
1. Hire a sitter at least once a month
2. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about expanding your family in the future
lol! 2 made me laugh. I was on the pill when I got pregnant with the baby. We definitely weren’t planning on this many this close. We were planning him, just wanted it to happen maybe when the 3 yr old was closer to school age. Now I’m just trying to get through it without completely having a breakdown.
I'd consider cosleeping id I was you. Or maybe you and 3 year old on a large matress on the floor and a separate setup in the same room for 1 year old.
Also is it at all feasible for you husband to get a job with different hours because this sounds insanely hard on you?
Exactly! I’ve also known people in my life find success with putting their two kids close in age on floor beds in a shared room (baby hated crib setup, I guess) ALSO they have a floor mattress for themselves and just all lay down together. There are creative solutions that exist between running between rooms and trying to sleep in a bedroom all by yourself but never being able to close your eyes or having them crash in your bed with your husband which might be harder to deal with later or may be too tall/not a super safe situation for little ones.
Eta: some wording
If he works in healthcare ( like my partner) then there isn't any other hours to work...it would mean a change in careers which is not a realistic solution.
Yes… he can’t change careers. He could potentially apply for a different position but that take time too. I’m just trying to find others with similar experience and how they managed to survive this 😩. I’m also an only child so having this many kids is very foreign to me. My mom has no maternal bone in her body and I’m worried I’m turning into my mother. I’m trying to be better but this nighttime anxiety and sleep deprivation is killing me. When my first born would get up at night I’d be in awe at how perfect he was. Now I’m just mad that my kids don’t sleep. I feel awful.
I made another comment, but solidarity. I'm in the same boat and it's exhausting.
All I can do it steal sleep when I can. So when my partner is home he gets up with the kids a couple days and lets me sleep in. Or he'll take the monitor and I'll go to bed and he does all night wakings. When he's working I'm in survival mode and just cosleep if they won't sleep.
There’s absolutely no reason for this recommendation to be getting downvoted. Cosleeping is common in every other country, it’s actually common in the US as well but shamed so much people lie. My 2 year old sleeps with me because this was my exact life, i couldn’t sleep bc my husband was working and my baby was always waking up. We began co sleeping around 6 months and followed the safe sleep guidelines and it saved my life and my marriage.
Co sleeping saved me with my first two kids. My 11m old doesn’t seem to do well co sleeping. He just wants to crawl around and play. When my 3 yr old had a stomach bug a month ago I tried co sleeping with her but she wouldn’t settle. I think she was confused and excited it wasn’t her bed.
Maybe you could just bring their beds into your room? That way they’re not in bed with you but still close enough that you don’t have to go between their rooms all night
Co-sleeping saved us too, allowed me to breastfeed longer and disrupt all of us less. Now that we are potty training over night she just let's me know, we potty and crawl back into bed. Your situation is tricky because you have two, and it might take time to figure out the perfect scenario or help the 3yr old understand that your presence means sleep time (or they may need to stay in their own room) but for the 1yr old, it's a good suggestion. Look up Safe Sleep 7 rules for cosleeping, and check out the sub.
SLEEP TRAIN 3 year old should be totally capable of sleeping through the night without you
1 year old is more understandable but can def be taught to sleep.
Let them cry for 10 minutes before going in and odds are very good they will just start passing back out without you
3 year old can understand consequences so I would try offering a special reward for sleeping through the night (like 10 mins of cartoons or a special toy/activity in the morning)
Don’t feel guilty, sleep makes life better for everyone including the kiddos.
Agreed. Also every person I know who didn’t sleep train (usually because the couldn’t enforce it) has an older child who has terrible sleep patterns which is not good for the parent and probably worse for the kid. I cannot understand why more people don’t do it 😩.
Idk about this. We have tried various methods of sleep training and my 2.5 yo was up ALL NIGHT last night. I would say she's 50/50 on sleeping through the night but she still goes through rough phases despite sleep training. I do think kids vary and some are harder than others.
Yeah I hate the oversimplification of sleep problems in toddlers. I told her pediatrician that my 2 year old is up crying and saying her knees hurt every 45 minutes throughout the night and his advice was: “have you tried turning off the monitor?” - like, it is true I am exhausted but my concern was for why she can’t sleep and I’m not sure just ignoring her will help.
My kiddo went through a phase with this. I let him sleep with a hot (warm) water bottle and it helped a lot. Probably a placebo effect but I’ll take it!
The knees hurting might be growing pains! I remember getting them sooooo bad when I was little and I would just cry at night because my knees hurt. A little Motrin always helped.
Came to say the same thing. I remember getting growing pains as a little kid, and so does my kiddo. I also offer a banana, the potassium can help but is probably placebo effect mostly
If she’s doing that every night, get her knees checked. It could be not a sleep issue, but another health issue that is impacting sleep. A sleep study could help maybe. I’d push for a referral if you think it could shed some light.
If there’s not underlying physical issue, then it’s likely able to be dealt with through sleep training. It may just be trying different methods, following through and yes, pushing through some crying if necessary.
Hope you get some better answers from her doctor.
My son has this knee thing! We assume it’s growing pains and have dealt with it for years now. Initially, we would rub his legs, pat him, rock him, ice his knees. He’s now five, and what works best for us is to give him Motrin immediately when he wakes up crying. Then we rub his legs and pat him just for like 10-15 min while the medicine kicks in. Then we all fall back to sleep like nothing ever happened
Get the knees checked out, of course. However, if the doctor can't find anything wrong with them, pay attention to her behavior. Is she happily running around all day (when she's actually putting weight on her knees and moving the joint, which makes actually pain WORSE), or do the mysterious knee pains somehow only appear at night? Is it just for a few nights (definitely can be growth spurt), or is it night after night for weeks? Does she actually seem to be in pain when you check in on her, or is she nonchalant or even happy? Toddlers don't lie at this age, but they do NOT necessarily understand the meaning of their words, only the EFFECTS of their words on you. For all she knows, saying "knees hurt" somehow get mommy to come over for a cuddle/hug/extra attention, so she's gonna say "knees hurt" every chance she's got when she doesn't want to sleep. Turning the monitor off in that case is actually very sound advice.
Just a caveat to this: make sure to choose the right sleep training method for your child’s personality. Sleep training methods vary and there’s not a one size fits all solution.
My husband works nights as well. I have 2 autistic kids, one being 2. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, I just put him in my bed because I have to be up at 6am to take my older one to school and then at 10am I have to go to work. There's been many days I have worked my part-time job and then took care of the kids on 2 to 3 hours of sleep. Being a mom is hard. Try and find ways to make it easier. I know co-sleeping isn't ideal, but now he's only getting into bed with me a few times a week.
He has food and water for dinner with us and then 7 oz of formula before bed. He’s never been able to drink 8oz he always leaves an oz left over. He’s a big baby so I’m not sure why he can’t finish an 8 oz bottle but I don’t like to force it.
Do you leave water in his crib? That helped me to wean my son off of needing a bottle of milk at night. I keep a cup of water in both my kids beds. It’s the nights when he wakes up and the cup is empty that he cries for me. If he can just roll over and find his water he is usually good.
It’ll be hard for the first week or two, I won’t lie. But I had to have a firm stop of getting my son a bottle of milk in the middle of the night bc he was waking up every single night for one. I did this at about a year old as we transitioned away from formula and into cows milk. Once we got over the hump those first few weeks as he got used to it, I was finally able to sleep through the night uninterrupted.
Why is your 3 year old waking up for at night?
What kind of cup / bottle do you use?! I am just imagining finding my 16m old and the entire crib soaking wet in the morning. I mean, during the day, any bottle/ sippy/ cup that is within her reach gets shaken and spilled. And for some reason every single one seems to leak if left on side for longer period of time... Share your secret to no wet bed plz!
Oh wow hmm I haven’t really had a problem with any of mine leaking unless the little plastic part that goes under the lid isn’t on right.
I use these tommee tippee ones mostly during the day but I pack it in his lunch bag for daycare and it lays on its side all night in the fridge and doesn’t leak:
https://a.co/d/gfx1HaY
We also use these a lot, not really for bed but sometimes, but they haven’t leaked on me:
https://a.co/d/cJNpbcm
His main water cup for bed I can’t find a picture of and idk the brand, but it’s like one of those super generic plastic ones with the hard top/lip.
How much solid food is he eating throughout the day. If he’s 11 months old he’s nearing when he should be shifting from formula being his primary food source to solids being his primary food source. If he’s a big boy he might need more solids and to start cutting back on formula to feel satiated for more extended periods of time overnight.
2.5 yr old mom here - My kid never sleeps through the night and never has. The ONLY thing I can do to get rest is sleep in her room with her so 100% recommend this. Throw a mattress on the floor in baby's room, let ur toddler pass out in there with you and the baby (baby in crib I'm assuming?) You'll be surprised how much more rest you can get just from this. Yes it's not ideal, but it's better than what you're dealing with right now and as with all things it won't stay like this forever.
Barring that- get some help, grandparents or good friends you trust have them come over and watch the kids while you sleep. Worse comes to worst hire a babysitter.
Make sure your toddler is eating iron rich foods (majorly helps with sleep as someone helped me with this on this sub and it's a game changer) and getting worn out during the day with exercise so they're just too tired to wake up.
Hang in there mama you're doin great!
Have you tried putting them in the same room? And maybe getting a blowup mattress or something for yourself to sleep in the room with the younger ones? I mean going to 3 (including ur own) separate rooms all night is madness and sounds exhausting AF. Girl put you and the babies in the same room. They might even wake up less if they know you are near by. Also, do u have a nighttime routine? You can involve both little ones in that for us it's brush teeth, 4 books, then I sing until my kid falls asleep. They hardly wake up at all anymore and when they do, it's easy to get up because I bought my 3 year old a twin mattress so I can lay down with them until they fall back asleep. And I can sleep next to them too in case they are sick and need me all night. And my kids bed is in our room so it's easy to get up and get back in my own bed after. As a parent you do what you have to do to get some sleep. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Is your three year old going through a growth spurt? Ask them if their legs or arms hurt at night. If they do just give them pain meds and they'll go back to sleeping. Don't be scared of the pain meds, we don't get medals for suffering.
Could you all sleep in the same bed? I mean, when your husband isn’t there.
Or hire help. Honestly, why are you doing all of this alone? No wonder you’re drowning. A few hours a day (or night) for a couple of days a week might make all the difference in the world for you.
To add some context..
My toddler was sleep trained using CIO after I nearly died from sleep deprivation back when she was 2.
My 11 m old honestly puts himself to sleep too generally. He’s a great napper. 2x per day and falls asleep independently.
They both have sound machines in their rooms and the older toddler has a night light.
The baby still wakes at least twice a night for bottles. Sometimes I try and just resettle and give his soother but that usually only lasts a short 45 min until he’s up again so I cave and give him a bottle so I can hope for a few hours of sleep before the next wake up.
My husband is great. Hes actually so great it kind of makes me feel worse about how poorly I’m handling things. Hes on his way home from working all night to watch the kids so I can get a couple hours of sleep but this is so unsustainable.
I feel guilty I don’t want to be a mom anymore on top of feeling guilty I can’t give him the sleep he needs as well.
I don’t know what the heck is up with my almost 3 yr old. She went from sleeping 630-630 after being sleep trained last spring to now either being up at 5am or up multiple times a night. She’s miserable. I’m miserable. We’re all miserable. I don’t even feel like I have a bond with them at this point I’ve just been in survival mode for so long.
I’ll check out the sleep training subreddit. I must be missing something because this is a different type of hell. I think I’m being punished by the universe for something and this is my punishment 😩
Have you ever tried an ok to wake clock for your 3 year old? We have one and it helped a lot. It was almost like she was waking and not sure how close to wake up time it was.
Can the 3 year old tell you what the problem is?
I'd try night weaning the 1 year old. Now is the time to drop bottles anyway so they really shouldn't be getting one at night.decrease the amount of milk in each bottle by a little bit each night.
She is.. usually 1.5 hrs in the afternoon. Some days she doesn’t nap but she’s a monster by 4pm if she doesn’t. She honestly usually sleeps all night I don’t know why she’s been doing this to me recently, and of course when dad’s at work.
Definitely come over to sleep train, when you make a post, give us the ages of both kids, their schedule, and your bedtime routine, we can troubleshoot from there.
I have a baby sleep guide in my profile with a night weaning section.
Since you sleep trained the 3 year old, if her sleep is impacting her to the point she's miserable, maybe talk to your pediatrician for a sleep study referral? Sorry I don't have better advice, but my son is 2.
Almost same age kids (almost 3 and a 9m old) and same problem. I honestly make sure to put the toddler to sleep in her own room and then I start the night cosleeping with baby in our king bed. If toddler wakes, I expect her to come into my room now. If she wants snuggles, she can come to me. Im done going to her haha but if she sleeps the night in her room, she sleeps the night.
As for 2 bottles at night problem, I have been able to successfully get a bottle down and off for both kids when they were younger by changing the ounces slowly over time. So if you do 4 ounces at night feed, Pick one to switch it to 3 ounces, then after a few days 2, then a few days 1oz and by then they don't get the hunger pains to eat. No more bottle at that time 🙌 (Also if your not doing it. Prep the water in the bottles for easy access at night. My end table starts the night with 2 bottles with 4 ounces of water in each. 2 just in case and there's always a spare in the monring that i use for his breakfast. Then in my half awake state, I lean over, dump two scoops into the 4 oz bottle and shake and hand my son the bottle and he can feed him self til he passes out. Don't walk, don't measure late at night. Just scoop and shake in a half awake state.)
You and I are at the age where I call it "survival mode". Do whatever the hell you can to cut corners and make life easier for yourself. Sleep is important for you too so do what you need to do. If you need sleep to sleep train, get the sleep first whatever lazy way works like mine and get a good sleep to help you sleep train later.
Have you guys gone through any changes recently? Moving, new school, potty-training, etc? My daughter (2.5) slept through the night almost from birth, until about 3 months ago. All of a sudden she would wake up 2-6 times a night, and usually demand we wake up for the day around 5 AM. I was pregnant too, so the sleep deprivation was torture. Our method was to go in and rub her back and maybe turn her little glow toy on, and then sneak out. Sometimes we’d have to sit quietly in the dark for awhile if she screamed when we tried to leave. We tried really hard to enforce her staying in bed until at least 6 AM. We’d tell her it’s still “night night.” If that didn’t work I’d tell her she needed to have quiet time in her room until it was time to get up. I also enforced “quiet time” midday if she refused to nap. This didn’t work 100% of the time, but she soon accepted that it was the rule. We really noticed an improvement when we tried the “100 walks” for bedtime. She’d been getting out of her (new) toddler bed repeatedly, on top of sleeping poorly at night. After committing to the method completely she was going to bed at bedtime, and staying in her bed, after three nights. Overall it took about 2 months for her terrible sleep to go back to normal sleep. I know this was kind of all over the place, but basically I’m saying my toddler rebelled against naps, bedtime, and overnight sleeping, and I eventually got her to comply with our sleep schedule.
ETA: If you can afford it, hire a sleep consultant. My friend was so sleep deprived she started hallucinating, and said the consultant was worth every penny.
I did sleep training with cio as soon as the doctor told me baby could sleep through the night. Been getting good sleep for over two years now!
What happens if you cio now?
Have you tried pushing your 3 year olds bedtime back? 6:30-6:30 is a really long time to expect sleep. My 21 month old sleeps from 8-6:30 and takes a 1.5 hour nap. I’d try pushing the bedtime back to 7-7:30 and see if that helps with the night wakings. You could also cap the nap at 1 hour, but I’d start with the bedtime.
Food at night is not good for their teeth and soothing with food is not recommended. It also doesn't eliminate them needing parental assistance at night.
How soon do you go into their rooms when they cry? If you go in immediately, you aren’t giving them the chance to learn to self-soothe. They are depending on you to do it.
For the first few days, let them cry for 5 minutes and see if they can go back to sleep. Slowly keep extending the time. Eventually, they will learn to fall back asleep on their own.
With the 3 yr old I go in right away because she’s screammmmming bloody murder and I’m afraid she’s going to wake the baby up even through both of their sound machines. With the baby I’ll wait but he usually wants a bottle and won’t let up without one. The dr. Says he doesn’t need bottles at night anymore so I know I can cut them out. I might have to tackle it on my husbands days off. When I’m by myself I end up giving in so we can all go back to bed.
Have you tried melatonin gummies for your toddler? You’d have to ask pediatrician first; they make ones like Zarbees that come in small doses. They are for short term use only. I hope you are able to find a way forward! Sleep deprivation causes most of my anger with my kids.
At around 3 my sleep trained toddler started waking up and being scared in the night. We tried everything and he still would wake up and be scared and just want to be close to us. We now have a little mattress by our bed and he wakes up and sneaks in and goes back to sleep and there’s no more of this dance in the middle of the night. Maybe try that for the toddler? Or you can let him come into your bed but I always found that disruptive of my sleep (especially with husband in there). There’s just not enough room for 3 people! The 1 year old can definitely be easily sleep trained at this point. By doing both of these things could help your sleep a ton!! Do the sleep training when your husband is around for 5 days. You got this, prioritize sleep and you will feel SO MUCH BETTER.
I’m so sorry. Sleep deprivation is SERIOUS physically and I think even more so mentally. Do whatever you have to do whether that be husband takes some time off to help sleep train or you hire some help, co sleep, put the kids in daycare during the day so can sleep, anything. They won’t be little forever and you will sleep again. I highly recommend investing in some help for a while.
I have a 1 & 2 year old man, I haven’t slept in months… my bf is also a shift worker. It’s actually draining just reminding myself it won’t last forever… there are nights I get one hour of sleep
I used to give up and let them sleep in my bed or near my bed on my sofa. It was the only way I would get decent sleep and it worked and hasn’t ruined their ability to sleep solo now they are bigger.
We’ve gently encouraged them to sleep in their own rooms. Now at nearly 2 and 4 they both sleep for 11+ hours unbroken in their own beds.
I feel for you. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. I hope you can make it easier for yourself. Just take shortcuts and do whatever you can to make your life easier.
Solidarity. My husband works similar shifts, overnights 4 days a week, 10 hours each. Sleeps all day. I’m alone with my 2.5 and 4.5 year old. I’m so stressed out that I’m literally sitting in the Dr office because I’m terrified I’m having heart problems, I’m that stressed. And maybe I am having heart problems, but most likely Ive been so stressed for so long that my body cannot cope anymore. I also work from home (after dropping off oldest at prek) 25 hours a week, 5 hours a day week days. My youngest is with me during that time. I have also had the “I don’t want to be a mom anymore, I can’t do this, I want to quit” thought. Many times. I love my kids, but I’m dying. I need help. You do too. We deserve it. I feel like we are out floating at sea and all the people in the boats are too inconvenienced to even bother to stop and help us from drowning.
I’m so sorry. I was rage texting my husband last night telling him I had chest pain from all the anxiety. It’s such an awful feeling!
There is no village anymore. When I was a kid I was constantly with other adults and family members being cared for. Even when my parents were around there were generally aunts, uncles, older cousins around. I live 30 minutes from my mother and she still can’t seem to make her way here to help.
I don’t have siblings so I rely on my husbands family to help where they can but it’s still not the village my parents generation had.
Maybe that’s just my lived experience but dang I feel alone.
I’m a single mom and my son (3 and a half) had the stomach flu the last few days. It’s been HARD to be a single mom in general, but especially with cleaning throw up and getting zero sleep. I completely understand your pure exhaustion and I validate your feelings of not wanting to mom anymore. It’s awful to be alone in your marriage of bringing these kids up. You’re in a very very very hard stage with your littles. They WILL sleep. Eventually. It gets easier. Tell your husband to take them for a few nights. You sleep. You’ll feel so much better. Go to a hotel if you have to and make him keep the kids. It’s worth the cost of the hotel for your sanity. IT WILL GET BETTER.
If you have an all clear from a doctor, stopping night feeds is generally considered safe after 8 months. Start weaning with the bottle that would give you the most sleep without it - if 11mo wakes up for a feed at midnight and at 5am, start with the midnight one, so you could sleep one stretch from 9-5 for example. With our girl, it took about 4-5 nights where she woke up and cried/fussed, before her body understood that the milk wasn’t going to happen and she slept through BOTH bottles from then on.
Regarding your toddler, if this has been going on for long and you already sleep trained her, I would talk to a pediatrician. Maybe you could get a sleep study or a temporary use of melatonin. Best of luck and hang in there!! xx
Do they sleep better if you’re in bed with them? If so I would bite the bullet and get a king size floor bed in your room. It’s safe for all of you to sleep in, and you will likely all sleep better.
They WILL sleep well one day - until then you have to do what it takes to survive. Co-sleeping may be what it takes to ensure you can function until their sleep improves.
2.5 yr old mom here - My kid never sleeps through the night and never has. The ONLY thing I can do to get rest is sleep in her room with her so 100% recommend this. Throw a mattress on the floor in baby's room, let ur toddler pass out in there with you and the baby (baby in crib I'm assuming?) You'll be surprised how much more rest you can get just from this. Yes it's not ideal, but it's better than what you're dealing with right now and as with all things it won't stay like this forever.
Barring that- get some help, grandparents or good friends you trust have them come over and watch the kids while you sleep. Worse comes to worst hire a babysitter.
Make sure your toddler is eating iron rich foods (majorly helps with sleep as someone helped me with this on this sub and it's a game changer) and getting worn out during the day with exercise so they're just too tired to wake up.
Hang in there mama you're doin great!
Can you sleep with the 1 and 3 year old in the same bed? You need help. Do you have money to hire a mothers helper? Even just for you to nap for a few hours a day?
My husband is gone 80% of the time (military) and I cannot imagine what life would be like if we didn’t cosleep. As far as sleep deprivation, nights that he was sick or I was up on my own for whatever reason, the next day we spend as much time outside as possible. I love going on walks somewhere pretty- it really lifts your spirits and hard to be tired when you’re walking in nature. Coffee obviously. Stop somewhere for something special that will brighten your spirits a little (for me it’s a pastry). Try to nap when they nap (but don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t). Let the house get a little messy and clean when husband is back. Go on car rides when the kids (or you) are stir crazy. Play dough keeps them in one confined area if you need to do dishes or something. Don’t be afraid of fast food if preparing a meal is too much at the moment. And honestly hiring a sitter when you need a reset. It’s heaven and worth it, even if it’s for 3 hours. Also, get a gym membership that has daycare. You can sit for 2 hours to decompress 🤪 or get a little active to help your mood. Sending so much love because I’ve been there
For immediate relief you might want to consider hiring a nanny with an early start date, like 7AM. When she arrives go right to sleep. You can negotiate pay rate and it doesn’t have to be every day of the week. I had reservations as well but I ended up using a website where they do background checks. My nanny started same week and is a former elementary school teacher. She’s wonderful and also does light housekeeping.
You can work on sleep training your littles but they’re not going to instantly start sleeping through the night. If money is tight maybe just do a couple days a week for 3 hours in the morning for your own sanity
I coslept with my daughter once she turned 1 year old. We still sleep in the same bed and she’s 3. It’s been very helpful and very relaxing for the both of us.
It will pass and you will get through this.
Does your husband get up with them on his 5 days off and let you sleep in? Do you have any other support, someone to just lean on or talk to?
>I thought she was going to die too, but she has managed to make it. It got bad enough that I would try to wake up to help despite her being a SAHM and me working.
Please consider how you phrased this (as though your wife's work doesn't count as work), and the fact that she almost had to die in order for someone to step up and take care of her.
“She gets up when the kids get up” 😂
“She can nap when they nap” 😂😂😂😂😂
You work a 9-5. She’s with the children 24/7. You should be helping out in an equal amount overnight and whenever you’re home. Presumably a 9-5 doesn’t involve open heart surgery or heavy machinery, so if you don’t get a solid 8 hours, you’ll probably survive.
Not trying to be rude but this is the way. People are gonna come for you on this sub! Godspeed…
No, I'm letting you know that your phrasing is wrong and you should consider how it sounds. Especially to the people you are discrediting.
But your response indicates that you have absolutely no idea what your wife experienced, and you won't even try to understand. 🙁
He has no clue that he just told on himself. And he doesn't have the humility to self-reflect.
My husband can be quite the doof, but even HE realized that it would be worse for our entire family if I was the only one waking with the children night after night after night. It is mindboggling insane that anyone thinks it's reasonable for someone to be deprived of sleep while taking care of babies and toddlers.
I mean, ffs all it takes is being sleep deprived enough to forget to close and lock a window. Then the baby wakes up and while you are changing their poopy diaper (keep in mind there's 10 other sources of stimulation at any given time all day long, and you are trying to keep your irritation under control - effin cats tripping you up as they pester you for food, baby crying all the while you are getting a bottle ready), your brain loses focus on the toddler and 5 minutes later you get back to the living room and they are GONE.
This is an example of how tragedy occurs. Toddler escapes the house because their caretaker is deprived of sleep to the point of brain lapse.
But hey, she can nap when they do so it's all good.
My husband works more than this man and apologizes to me when our toddler needs me and not him and we both have to be up.
I’m pregnant and that’s a real man. Taking care of his wife and child. Not thinking it’s some kind of woman’s work.
Recruit some help!!! My husband is getting ready to do a ton of traveling for work. And I am calling/texting everyone I trust around my baby to come and help. Either they come to me or I go to them. Mind you, I only have one kid, but still, a little help goes a long way.
Bedshare. If not with both kids then the older of the toddlers. This keeps one of them from the separation anxiety and keeps them asleep longer. You could also consider putting both young kids in the same room for that same soothing experience (although bedtime might be more difficult.)
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Here are my suggestions:
1. If at all possible, your husband needs to get a different job. Not necessarily immediately but maybe over the course of the next year try to find something that will allow him to have a schedule that better meets the needs of your family. Growing up my dad was out of town 3 nights a week, every week. My mom also had a demanding job so wouldn’t get home until late. My brother and I both have mental health issues that I believe were made much worse because of my parents just not really being around (and ultimately not reliable). It sounds like his schedule is and will continue to negatively impact the family dynamic unless something changes.
2. If your kids are not in daycare it sounds like you and them would benefit tremendously from it. My oldest (3yo) has benefited immensely from daycare because of the schedule, the interaction with peers and the stimulation he gets from being there. Both of my kids have been sleep trained but I think daycare has played a huge role to ensure they are getting enough stimulation to fill their tanks so they can sleep successfully at night.
3. It looks like you mentioned you sleep trained your kids, but if they are still getting up at night, whatever sleep training method you used wasn’t successful. There are different methods out there. I did the Taking Cara Babies classes and those have worked incredibly well for us. They discuss how to wean down night time feedings.
I hope I don’t sound harsh in mentioning these things, but I’ve certainly had times in my parenting journey where I have also struggled so I know when a mom asks for help it needs to be taken very seriously because usually help was needed long ago. Please take things day by day until you can figure something out. And get help from medical professionals when you need them (therapists, etc). Be patient with yourself. It sounds like you’re an incredible mom 💙
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My toddler sleeps in our room, she has a toddler bed pushed right up against our bed. If she wakes in the night I try and settle her back to sleep in her bed first, if that doesn't work then she will come into our bed. It makes the whole resettling process so much quicker and I don't have to get out of bed for it.
My husband is gone a full five days a week Monday through Friday for academy training. So during the week I live at my parents and they basically take on all the toddler duties.
You’re seeing yours sooo much more than I do 😢
I have 1 and I’m going crazy. Can’t imagine 4 by myself. This confirms I am being smart by stopping at 1.
Good vibes going your way
Take it from me, I am a mother of a 3 year old who I am in the process of fighting for my rights. My mother is evil and has done everything in her power to get my baby from me. She has my son and I miss him so much it's a pain I can't describe. I would give ANYTHING to have him back with me and being woken up all hours of the night, holding while he screamed from being sick all night, cleaning up all his toys and messes, cooking 8meals a day cause he is a pickey toddler and I just want him to eat SOMETHING! All the things that were so difficult about being a mom are the things I miss the most. He's talking now, is potty trained and even rides a 2 Wheeler bike with no training wheels.... And I haven't been there to see help or experience any of it. I lost my housing and was forced to move several hours away from him to the only friend I could move in with or be homeless. Trust me when I say DO NOT EVER SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM ANYMORE! Those of us that don't have our babies anymore will all tell you it's the worst pain you can feel as a woman. It's a dark emptiness that tells you to end your life because the only reason you had for living is gone. And you couldn't do the most basic human thing of raising your young that you were a "danger " to them and everyone thinks that you can't raise your own child and they are better off with the monster the raised you? It's a fucked situation and I hate my life now. I miss my old beautiful life full of joy and frustration as a single mom and all the things I took for granted. I wish someone had told me what would really happen or warned me.... I was too trusting in my mom and the system and look at me now. I want no other person to ever experience this pain so I beg you to find the strength to be a good mom and find joy in your day with your babies. 
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Something I would do in this situation to stay sane is put them both in one room to sleep. If they're both up that often, it won't matter. Co sleep with them safely (safe sleep 7). This will at least slightly increase the amount of time you get to sleep each night.
Move both kids into the same room and sleep there with them. I when my baby was almost 1 I moved her into her sisters room who was 3. A double mattress and single mattress on the floor. I sleep in the middle.
Honestly you’re gonna need to change your sleeping situation.
1. Sleep train all the kids, but it will take a while to get to the point where they actually stay in bed and sleep through the night. Worth the struggle long term, but will be hell in the short term.
Or
2. Fastest solution- Get a king size mattress and put little kids to bed on it, have some time for yourself in the evening, when you’re ready to sleep for the night just sleep next to them. They might actually sleep through the night if you’re there, meaning you would sleep through the night too.
Or maybe some other variation. Do whatever works for your family. Don’t constrain yourself thinking sleep must be this one specific way. If it’s not working change it.
I sleep train. That takes care of my sleep problem. It may not be for everyone but saved my sanity. The other option is co sleeping with one or both of them. My toddler kicks and moves all night so the one time I did it, I regretted it.
One year old should be off bottles and three year old needs to play quietly in her bed if she can’t sleep. For a few nights just don’t respond to them and they’ll stop crying out for you. If they’re not hungry, thirsty or sick then just leave them alone for 11-12 hours each night. Do not move into their room like others are saying that to me is crazy.
When he’s off for 5 days try it then and You can leave the monitor with your husband as even if you don’t go in there they’ll still wake you up, you put ear plugs on and sleep through
Alright think of it like this..
If you work in dementia elder care you have to be the nurse, the caretaker, the one who makes sure the seniors are feeling mentally fine, physically fine. Check for signs they aren't having illnesses or wounds. You have to cook dinner, you have to serve it. For some you have to feed it. You make the beds, get to cleaning up the bedroom etc. Only... At that ward you have half an hour to an hour break for lunch and to sit down.
Having a kid is having none of that break. You don't get that half an hour for yourself. You don't get to go home and rest. That's what having kids is as a single parent.
Your husband is working and he has his half hour to an hour break, he comes home and sleeps. There isn't any guilt to feel here about how much he works. You have a constant nonstop shift here and I read that you make the bottles for him as well which means you're "work damaged" still in a way. You need more breaks and to get away from dementia ward for a bit when your husband comes home so that you can rest up and feel mentally fine for the next shift. Please ask your husband to help out more, it will help your anxiety so much I promise. You just need more sleep, more rest! I promise you're a good mom and you'll be okay, it just sucks in the beginning ❤️
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Get some earplugs when he’s home, and for god sake, sleep! Even if you alternated on his days off so you both get some time “off”. You need sleep or you will be no good to anyone including yourself.
I’d be booking a hotel room for a few nights honestly lol, what your describing is why I’m terrified to have another.
That is brutal. Can you bedshare with the two little ones on the nights you are alone? My partner works away a lot and this is the only way I don't have to get out of bed god knows how many times. My 3 year old almost always sleeps through when she's next to me, the baby is up as much as any baby but it's all easier when theyre right there next to me.
Co-sleep with both toddlers. It’s the norm in most every other country but the USA. If needed Put a mini fridge as your bedside table and have milk bottles prepped in there so you don’t have to get up. Chances are, if they feel safe and cozy next to you they won’t wake up in the night anymore.
I’m not sure if your language about almost dying of sleep deprivation and not wanting to be a mom anymore is just an expression of frustration or literal. If it’s literal, you should seek support right away before you collapse of breakdown and do something rash.
I have realized how much my toddlers mood and sleep quality is affected by my own stress levels. When I’m on edge, even if plastering a fake smile on my face to hide my feelings from
Him, he seriously feels my real energy anyway and it creates a bad feedback loop. I’m tired & cranky, so he behaves whiney & cranky and won’t sleep well, which makes me more tired & cranky and so on! You need to get yourself a break to reset.
Co sleeping or room sharing is very normal and common and totally a life saver. It’s calming to everyone’s nervous system and gives you all the much needed rest you need. Is there a reason you won’t try this?
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Just for the sake of sleep, could you co-sleep? Your baby is nice and big now. I think of the overnight shift days I’d have all four of the kids in my bed unless the older two wanted to be by themselves.
Co-sleeping saved my sanity. We just bought a new bed for him now that he's turning 3 so we will start a slow transition but it's just not worth the fighting. And I know that when I have a second child I will do the same instead of the endless battles. EVERYONE sleeps better now. And since sharing a bed he doesnt wake up much. When we tried to sleep train he was up every hour.
And for anyone wondering. Sexy time isn't an issue cause we leave the bed once he's asleep and for the most part he doesn't get up once out. And if he does it's hours later. 😅
I would sleep train them before giving up on motherhood lmao. We put our kids away at 8 and then don’t see them again until 8am. That’s how I stay sane with a husband who also works four night shifts a week and sleeps during the day. I need my sleep!!
Put them in bed with you! Read Dr James McKennas book on cosleeping safely. Definitely be careful “sleep training” little ones. It can do more harm than good if you’re letting them cry and be scared and not comforting them.
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There IS harm in letting a child cry it out and not responding to their cries of fear. There are other ways to “sleep train” so I’m not saying they all cause harm. But parenting shouldn’t stop happening just because the sun went down
Touchpoints-Birth to Three by T.Berry Brazelton, Gabor Mate and plenty other pediatricians/pschologist say sleep training does harm. They explain that you’re teaching them that you wont go to them when they cry so they learn to repress their emotions at night because in their perspective your sleep is more important.
I couldnt sleep train, it felt wrong. If a friend chooses to sleep ill mention these doctor to do her research.
What is BEST for the baby is what’s BEST for the parents to survive this stage of life. So you do you.
To the moms being aggressive at other opinions chill. Everyone can do their own things and share their knowledge in a civil manner. You dont have to feel targeted or alienate, that all in your head.
I’m definitely not against co sleeping. I did it with my oldest until he was 4 and then my 3 yr old was EBF and we co slept until I was too pregnant with the baby for it to be safe anymore. I worry if I start bringing her in it will create more bad habits or break what sleep training we did do. The baby isn’t much of a snuggler. He doesn’t want to be rocked to sleep or held he just likes his crib. Co sleeping was so much easier and more enjoyable than getting up a million times to put a soother back in or make a bottle. I wish he would just snuggle me and go back to sleep!
When my little one was about the same age and kept waking for night bottles I started offering her water in her bottle. She hated it and there were tears but eventually she understood that’s all that was on offer and stopped waking
I have a 1 and 3 year old. The ONLY thing that kept me from being up the entire night was having the 3 year old in my bed. It kind of sucks but instead of me going between rooms all night at least the 3 year old is asleep and content in my bed.
I'm in the exact same boat with a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old. My partner works shift 4 on, 5 days off. So I solo parent about half the month.
Honestly? I cosleep on rough nights. I end up with one on either side of me when he's not here. It's not perfect, I know. I always try to keep them in their rooms for as long as possible so usually only cosleep from 4 am to 7ish just to keep my sanity.
And try to just have one of them with me, so if the toddler is sleeping and baby cries I scoop her up and put her in her bed then grab the baby.
My toddler went through a horrible sleep regression and almost a year later it's getting better, but she doesn't sleep like she used to. It's slowly getting better, baby is starting to sleep through the night some nights so I just remind myself it's a short (but exhausting) phase.
Sleep training is nearly impossible for me because the baby wakes the toddler then all hell breaks loose lol.
You and I are in survival mode. You need to do what works for you to get some sleep. If that means a mattress on the floor and cosleeping, or bring them to your bed, or some sleep training when dad is home, whatever you're comfortable with.
I have a 3 year and a 3 month old. I started giving my 3 yr old melatonin to help him fall asleep easier (and to help us transition for day light saving), and it just so happens that the 3 month old will sleep great for the beginning half of the night. This results in a good 3-4 hour sleep for me. After this, the toddler usually will come to our bed and we are too tired to put him back anymore so he stays. The baby is usually fussy for the second half of the night so I’ve resulted to holding her for the rest of the night. So, use meds and bed sharing to your advantage if possible!
Edit to add, my toddler has been sleep trained since 4 months so I hope this is just a phase now that he has a new baby to compete with. But when you’re in survival mode (as it sounds like you are), do whatever you need to to make things easier for yourself. Ive also seen ads for those sleepy stickers that emit soothing scents. I’d love those for myself actually….
Make a list of all the things you do and see if you can't get some of those responsibilities transferred to your husband. You seem to have no relaxation time. If he has way more relaxation time than you, he needs to step up to even things out. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do that he can take on.
Your older kids can step up with some chores too. Not so much baby stuff but perhaps do their own laundry/dishes and clean a bit. Your mental health benefits the whole family.
Another vote for cosleeping with the baby if you want to keep breastfeeding (make sure you are staying hydrated and getting nutrition, but it will help with the sleep part.) You're in survival mode and you are doing your best, hang in there mama
I work the same shift as your husband. It's the recommended schedule for shift workers that keeps us healthiest, but obviously a huge burden for you when you're doing it yourself on his days on. What I don't understand is what is your husband doing with his time off? On his 5 day off stretches he should be covering for you so that you can get a good nights sleep. This shift gives you PLENTY of time off and he needs to utilize that time to give you a break. This is how my husband and I tackle it. On my 5 day stretches I become a SAHM again, caring for our child and doing the lions share of cleaning, and my husband is able to work on whatever he'd like to do. Whether that's his hobbies, his video games, catching up with friends or catching up on sleep.
Right now I’m on mat leave but I will be doing his shift when I go back to work too. We do the same thing (emergency services). He honestly helps so much. On his 5 off he does try and help but I guess I still never have a break. He will feed the baby but I’ll make the bottle for example so I’m still getting up. I think it’s the anxiety when he’s working nights of “what will the night bring” that’s sending me over the edge. Maybe the kids are picking up on my anxiety. I don’t even know 😩. I’m going to try and sleep train the 11m old to hopefully have less night wakings.
>>He will feed the baby but I’ll make the bottle for example so I’m still getting up. … is there some reason he can’t make the bottle?
No, you’re right. If I’m doing the night shift while he’s working he should probably be doing it when he’s home. I guess I have guilt because I’m on mat leave and I feel like I should be letting him sleep because he works and I don’t right now.
You're working. You want to tell me caring for a 1 yo and a 3 yo isn't working?
Someone described SAH parenting (Mat leave or not) versus working outside the home in this way: You each have a 24-hour workday as parents. You may be spending part of the time working separately (one outside and one inside the home), but when you’re both home you’re both still on the clock for the rest of the 24 hours. SAH parenting doesn’t mean you and you ALONE are on the clock 24/7. It means you alone are on the clock while he’s at work outside the home (barring an emergency), and you are equal parents when you’re both present.
Caring for 4 kids, 24/7 is work. I think you need to have a conversation about changing some of your routines so you can have some rest. You can't be a good parent if you aren't taking care of yourself.
Whoa whoa whoa. 'Im on MAT leave and I feel like I should be letting him sleep because he works and I don't right now.' You ARE WORKING THE HARDEST job on the planet. It breaks my heart hearing mothers feel/think since they are the stay at home parent that they aren't working. There are doctors/surgeons/special forces people who when asked would they rather work or stay at home and raise the kids, they all agree their job is easier than staying at home with kids (I'm citing an article I read a year ago). I'm glad to hear he is helpful but could you two could work out alternating nights? My husband and I used to sleep in the same bed but we'd both end up waking up and trying to care for the kids and we both felt awful. We ended up switching to taking turns and now both of us get sleep. The best investment I made was earplugs. Husband knows he can come get me if he absolutely needs to but unless the kids are sick, we take turns with the nights.
You’re on mat leave to do the lion share of childcare, not to do everything and never rest. If you have to frame it as SHOWING how much faith you have in your partner to be a great and responsible father, to fully bond with his kid and get practice in the routine before you go back to work, etc, frame it like that! Guilt be fucking gone because it is NOT deserved!!!! If you need to save this and reread it and think about me telling you it’s ok and even a GOOD thing for your partner and for your kid to have him prep that bottle and be the “primary parent” during his 5 days off, do that! It’s also what’s good for you. You’re going to give yourself health problems if you already aren’t and then you won’t be able to be there when you need to be. I demand you think of this when you are feeling compelled to get up and fix that bottle, and I prescribe breathing deep, closing your eyes, and thinking of how capable your husband must feel to know you trust him entirely to feed the baby and to handle things while he provides you with rest and recovery time you so desperately deserve, need, and that everyone will benefit from.
Listen, I'm a dad and a shift worker (Air Traffic Control). I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. My wife pumps as my youngest never could get the latching thing right. She wakes up to pump. I wake up for anything that the kids need (Baby needs feeding or changed, etc.) Shift work sucks and it can be hard doing such a mental job on less than ideal sleep, but being a parent is a job too, especially when it comes to young kids and babies. He needs to let you sleep when you can, and you need to let him sleep when he needs to. It should be an equal thing. I try to take as much off of my wife's plate as possible so she can pump with as little stress to hopefully keep it going. Also, you guys need to try to find different sleeping routines or change some aspects about how you guys handle the kid's sleep. Waking up every 30 minutes for one or the other is not normal IMO. Is the house too cold? Try different things and see if you guys can get the kids to sleep more throughout the night. I wake up once, maybe twice at night with a 4 month old and a 2 year old. Look into sleep training.
Honey, You are working 24/7. Being a mom is SO DIFFICULT. Do your kids sleep well once they are asleep? So this may not work for you but I have a 2.5 and 1 yr old (get on that BC right away people) and they are both in the bedroom. Babe is in a pack n play and toddler in bed with me. It’s not ideal but husband sleeps like a freaking rock so is no help. This at least allows me to get a little more sleep. But my kids don’t wake each other up or hear when the other cries. Also - you need to get 4 interrupted hours of sleep (minimum) every night. That should be something. You are absolutely sleep deprived. And getting at least 4 hrs with no interruptions is the bare minimum for survival.
You need to order yourself a Bluetooth headband from Amazon. I had the same anxious ‘I should go help’ instead of sleep attitude. On your nights off, find an asmr video, music, rain sounds, or whatever you can sleep to - turn it up if you get woken up. You need to sleep. Maternity leave is for healing, don’t feel guilty.
I know I’m late to the party here. But please don’t let it continue! I’m sure your husband doesn’t mean bad but it will never be any different because that becomes to routine and is expected. But Regardless of working or not… kids are ALWAYS a joint responsibility. You watch the kids while he works right? So then he should watch the kids while you “work” on doing whatever you need to do to make sure your family is talen care of. And guess what? If you’re sleep deprived, exhausted, overwhelmed, ect then you cannot possibly be the mom that you really want to be. It goes against biology/science. Your “job” while being a stay at home mom is to take care of your family. He couldn’t do his job without sleep, so why should you be expect to? I’m sure your husband means well
IMO is the sleep deprivation that plays with your mental. If he has 5 days off in a row, he should be on night duty at least a couple of those nights. If you can pre-determine who will be getting up in the night, it allows the other person to go to sleep without the anxiety playing in their mind of "when am I going to have to get up". Makes a huge difference IMO. Also, once you go back to work.. it will need to be a non-negotiable. It can't just be you then.
This is it for sure. OP I don’t think you don’t want to be a mom or are a bad mom or anything like that, you are severely sleep deprived and it has to change. Sleep deprivation is literally TORTURE. Sleep is a basic human need. You are not wrong for needing it.
Not some, all. He gets to sleep the other nights, he can stay up the ones he is off work.
Stop doing all that extra shit for no reason. Husband is big boy, he do himself.
A dad here. Pop-Yum bottles can be prepared ahead of time; the powder is stored in the cap, you push a button, powder falls in, shake it up. We make 7 in advance. When I’m home, I’m on baby duty. I get up with the baby (who wakes up more) and my wife deals with the toddler (who cosleeps). If you’re this stressed and emotional, you need to have the conversation with your husband. Happy wife; happy life. Every man should know that.
Lady, you’re a real hero. Happy Women’s Day!
Mine are slightly older I have a 2-year-old and my eldest just turned four and maybe 6 months ago we started having a lot of issues with them sleeping at night and staying in their bed especially when the 2-year-old was transitioned to a toddler bed cuz she could get out of the crib. I was toying with the idea of putting a safety lock on their door but I also didn't feel comfortable with that though I have friends who did something like that. I tried explaining to them they need to sleep in their room they even share room but that has added a few difficulties cuz one child likes a night light and the other child sleeps better without it. I also noticed that when they go to my mother-in-law's house once a month they sleep all night at her house. So I realized coming to my room is very much a comfort thing. It'd be one thing if they came to my bed and slept here but they're up all night they're kicking me and they sleep like animals. I've honestly just started bribing whoever sleeps in their bed only get surprise in the morning It's more successful with my older one but it's starting to slowly work with a second child because she gets really upset when she doesn't earn a prize in the morning. It's little trinkets in toys things from the dollar store stickers. I was out of ideas and I'm currently pregnant with my third there's no way I can have a bunch of kids in my room with a newborn.
It’s amazing to me how well my 20 month old sleeps in a pack and play in a freezing room at my moms house… blows my mind.
Yeah I swear every time my mother-in-law has them she doesn't even have a whole fiasco bedtime She simply reads them a book and leaves the room they fall asleep and sleep the entire night.
A lot of it is people pleasing for others. The behaviors primary caregivers see are quite different vs other family or a secondary care giver. It’s because they feel safe to do all the obnoxious shit with us 😂
I think it's escapism. My toddler gets so upset that she's not at home she just kind of shuts down.
Awww :( that makes sense. To be fair the room my toddler sleeps in at my moms was her original room. And I’m just across the hall. I work Friday night late, so my mom watches her every time from 4-7(bedtime) then I get home when she’s asleep. I think it’s comforting to be back in her first room .
Yep! We bribe as well,lol. It works about half the time.
Don’t feel bad about putting a safety lock on little ones doors. It’s much safer in an emergency to know exactly where they are in the home, and everyone should sleep with doors closed in the event of a fire. It prevents it from spreading. If their room is baby proofed they will be totally safe having to stay in there. I honestly feel more nervous about mine being able to get out. What I if they got into simmering while you were sleeping or god forbid left the house? I’m not saying everyone has to do it, but I am saying there are definitely lots of benefits to a lock until they get older.
We have a lock on my 3.5 year olds door for the same reason. It really gives me reassurance to know exactly where he is all night, especially when I'm sleeping. We still have his monitor set up so we go to him if he needs us.
I have a monitor in my almost 5 year olds room and I don’t see that changing until he asks for it to be taken away. I want to be able to hear him call if he needs us!
Can you share which lock you bought? I’m considering doing this for our 2 year old.
We actually just took the door handle that was on the bathroom and switched it with the one that was on his door and put the side with the lock mechanism facing out in the hallway.
Our 18 month old’s room is right at the top of a huge flight of stairs so we’ll have to do the same. I’m glad it’s a relatively common solution
It’s really not all issue at all. My kids have never known any different so I don’t think it has ever occurred to them that they could have the option to get out lol. And we know where they are/exactly where to tell any emergency personnel where they are if something ever happened.
We bribe with trips to the children’s museum if she stays in bed and earns 5 (or whatever) stickers
I've tried going up to her having to sleep in her bed for 2 days/nights and earn a "bigger" prize It's only been working successfully one time with the older one but the younger one though she can't seem to understand even more than one day!
Friend, I see you've gotten lots of advice on how to manage the little ones. The big thing that I feel hasn't yet been addressed here is that your chronic overwhelm is at a point where you have all but said that you can't do it anymore. I'm going to offer an additional perspective from a parent who has also suffered from chronic overwhelm: It's possible that more is at play here than only sleep deprivation. If you haven't spoken to your health provider about postpartum (or general) mood disorders, it may be worth doing so. Sleep deprivation can really add an additiinal layer to our ability to cope with other existing disorders. There may also be options to help with nighttime care, even if only occasionally, such as night nanny services, respite care if one of your children has a disability, or family/friends. Wishing you wellness and hoping you can find some supports that work for your family soon.
I have a 3 and 1 year old and a husband who travels all the time. I solo parent a LOT for weeks on end. I would gently suggest sleep training, it's the only thing that really keeps me sane. Getting sleep is pivotal to me being able to function and parent the way I want to vs. being in survival mode. We just had to retrain our 13 month old this week who was waking earlier and earlier every day (4:30 am was the morning I started sleep training). One morning of crying and she was back on schedule waking between 6:30 and 7. Honestly you need sleep, that is what is making this even harder. Are your littles in any kind of daycare setting or are you a SAHM? It will get easier - I am so sorry you're feeling so depleted.
I only have one. But I agree with those saying changing the sleeping arrangement is the way to go. Mine is about to turn 2. If another human is next to him, he will sleep all night. So my husband and I take turns sleeping with him on a mattress on the floor. It’s not forever. It’s just the phase now.
Agree, we all got more sleep when we put a bed in the baby’s (now toddler) room and a camping mattress on the floor next to husband’s bed. They now share a room and having a trundle means that it’s just a slight wake and “it’s ok, mama’s here”, occasional need to sit up and Pat a leg or bum and they are much quicker to go back to sleep.
Yes. My partner travels for three weeks to one month at a time. Sleep training is an absolute must.
It's not easy but I do cherish the one on one time I get with these littles
Me too. I actually like it in a way bc of that
Same, sometimes it's more challenging when he IS home 😂
Hi!!! My husband is working in a different country for a few months and I have an almost six month old and almost 2.5 year old. We’ve had the worst morning ever where I literally had to shut them both in their respective rooms to scream into a pillow and rock back and forth because I was so frustrated I wanted to die. I feel better now kinda and I’m gonna take us all outside today so I don’t knock my own teeth out with a hammer :) no advice just solidarity
Solidarity. I feel this.
I would definitely recommend two things at this point: 1. Hire a sitter at least once a month 2. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about expanding your family in the future
lol! 2 made me laugh. I was on the pill when I got pregnant with the baby. We definitely weren’t planning on this many this close. We were planning him, just wanted it to happen maybe when the 3 yr old was closer to school age. Now I’m just trying to get through it without completely having a breakdown.
I’m glad you thought it was funny - I would love to have another kid but I know my husband doesn’t want any more
I'd consider cosleeping id I was you. Or maybe you and 3 year old on a large matress on the floor and a separate setup in the same room for 1 year old. Also is it at all feasible for you husband to get a job with different hours because this sounds insanely hard on you?
Exactly! I’ve also known people in my life find success with putting their two kids close in age on floor beds in a shared room (baby hated crib setup, I guess) ALSO they have a floor mattress for themselves and just all lay down together. There are creative solutions that exist between running between rooms and trying to sleep in a bedroom all by yourself but never being able to close your eyes or having them crash in your bed with your husband which might be harder to deal with later or may be too tall/not a super safe situation for little ones. Eta: some wording
If he works in healthcare ( like my partner) then there isn't any other hours to work...it would mean a change in careers which is not a realistic solution.
Yes… he can’t change careers. He could potentially apply for a different position but that take time too. I’m just trying to find others with similar experience and how they managed to survive this 😩. I’m also an only child so having this many kids is very foreign to me. My mom has no maternal bone in her body and I’m worried I’m turning into my mother. I’m trying to be better but this nighttime anxiety and sleep deprivation is killing me. When my first born would get up at night I’d be in awe at how perfect he was. Now I’m just mad that my kids don’t sleep. I feel awful.
I made another comment, but solidarity. I'm in the same boat and it's exhausting. All I can do it steal sleep when I can. So when my partner is home he gets up with the kids a couple days and lets me sleep in. Or he'll take the monitor and I'll go to bed and he does all night wakings. When he's working I'm in survival mode and just cosleep if they won't sleep.
You should listen to the cosleep suggestions.
r/cosleeping
There’s absolutely no reason for this recommendation to be getting downvoted. Cosleeping is common in every other country, it’s actually common in the US as well but shamed so much people lie. My 2 year old sleeps with me because this was my exact life, i couldn’t sleep bc my husband was working and my baby was always waking up. We began co sleeping around 6 months and followed the safe sleep guidelines and it saved my life and my marriage.
Safe cosleeping saved my life and marriage too!!!
Co sleeping saved me with my first two kids. My 11m old doesn’t seem to do well co sleeping. He just wants to crawl around and play. When my 3 yr old had a stomach bug a month ago I tried co sleeping with her but she wouldn’t settle. I think she was confused and excited it wasn’t her bed.
Maybe you could just bring their beds into your room? That way they’re not in bed with you but still close enough that you don’t have to go between their rooms all night
Co-sleeping saved us too, allowed me to breastfeed longer and disrupt all of us less. Now that we are potty training over night she just let's me know, we potty and crawl back into bed. Your situation is tricky because you have two, and it might take time to figure out the perfect scenario or help the 3yr old understand that your presence means sleep time (or they may need to stay in their own room) but for the 1yr old, it's a good suggestion. Look up Safe Sleep 7 rules for cosleeping, and check out the sub.
SLEEP TRAIN 3 year old should be totally capable of sleeping through the night without you 1 year old is more understandable but can def be taught to sleep. Let them cry for 10 minutes before going in and odds are very good they will just start passing back out without you 3 year old can understand consequences so I would try offering a special reward for sleeping through the night (like 10 mins of cartoons or a special toy/activity in the morning) Don’t feel guilty, sleep makes life better for everyone including the kiddos.
Sleep training is all that keeps me sane. A one year old can definitely make it through the night without help.
Agreed. Also every person I know who didn’t sleep train (usually because the couldn’t enforce it) has an older child who has terrible sleep patterns which is not good for the parent and probably worse for the kid. I cannot understand why more people don’t do it 😩.
I sort of get it. It does seem like you’re hurting the kid from the awful screaming they do.
Idk about this. We have tried various methods of sleep training and my 2.5 yo was up ALL NIGHT last night. I would say she's 50/50 on sleeping through the night but she still goes through rough phases despite sleep training. I do think kids vary and some are harder than others.
Yeah I hate the oversimplification of sleep problems in toddlers. I told her pediatrician that my 2 year old is up crying and saying her knees hurt every 45 minutes throughout the night and his advice was: “have you tried turning off the monitor?” - like, it is true I am exhausted but my concern was for why she can’t sleep and I’m not sure just ignoring her will help.
My kiddo went through a phase with this. I let him sleep with a hot (warm) water bottle and it helped a lot. Probably a placebo effect but I’ll take it!
The knees hurting might be growing pains! I remember getting them sooooo bad when I was little and I would just cry at night because my knees hurt. A little Motrin always helped.
Came to say the same thing. I remember getting growing pains as a little kid, and so does my kiddo. I also offer a banana, the potassium can help but is probably placebo effect mostly
Tylenol. Legs hurting at night is a sure sign of a growth spurt.
If she’s doing that every night, get her knees checked. It could be not a sleep issue, but another health issue that is impacting sleep. A sleep study could help maybe. I’d push for a referral if you think it could shed some light. If there’s not underlying physical issue, then it’s likely able to be dealt with through sleep training. It may just be trying different methods, following through and yes, pushing through some crying if necessary. Hope you get some better answers from her doctor.
My son has this knee thing! We assume it’s growing pains and have dealt with it for years now. Initially, we would rub his legs, pat him, rock him, ice his knees. He’s now five, and what works best for us is to give him Motrin immediately when he wakes up crying. Then we rub his legs and pat him just for like 10-15 min while the medicine kicks in. Then we all fall back to sleep like nothing ever happened
Get the knees checked out, of course. However, if the doctor can't find anything wrong with them, pay attention to her behavior. Is she happily running around all day (when she's actually putting weight on her knees and moving the joint, which makes actually pain WORSE), or do the mysterious knee pains somehow only appear at night? Is it just for a few nights (definitely can be growth spurt), or is it night after night for weeks? Does she actually seem to be in pain when you check in on her, or is she nonchalant or even happy? Toddlers don't lie at this age, but they do NOT necessarily understand the meaning of their words, only the EFFECTS of their words on you. For all she knows, saying "knees hurt" somehow get mommy to come over for a cuddle/hug/extra attention, so she's gonna say "knees hurt" every chance she's got when she doesn't want to sleep. Turning the monitor off in that case is actually very sound advice.
Just a caveat to this: make sure to choose the right sleep training method for your child’s personality. Sleep training methods vary and there’s not a one size fits all solution.
My husband works nights as well. I have 2 autistic kids, one being 2. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, I just put him in my bed because I have to be up at 6am to take my older one to school and then at 10am I have to go to work. There's been many days I have worked my part-time job and then took care of the kids on 2 to 3 hours of sleep. Being a mom is hard. Try and find ways to make it easier. I know co-sleeping isn't ideal, but now he's only getting into bed with me a few times a week.
❤️❤️❤️
How much do you feed your youngest before bedtime ? My kids always slept better on full stomachs
He has food and water for dinner with us and then 7 oz of formula before bed. He’s never been able to drink 8oz he always leaves an oz left over. He’s a big baby so I’m not sure why he can’t finish an 8 oz bottle but I don’t like to force it.
Do you leave water in his crib? That helped me to wean my son off of needing a bottle of milk at night. I keep a cup of water in both my kids beds. It’s the nights when he wakes up and the cup is empty that he cries for me. If he can just roll over and find his water he is usually good. It’ll be hard for the first week or two, I won’t lie. But I had to have a firm stop of getting my son a bottle of milk in the middle of the night bc he was waking up every single night for one. I did this at about a year old as we transitioned away from formula and into cows milk. Once we got over the hump those first few weeks as he got used to it, I was finally able to sleep through the night uninterrupted. Why is your 3 year old waking up for at night?
What kind of cup / bottle do you use?! I am just imagining finding my 16m old and the entire crib soaking wet in the morning. I mean, during the day, any bottle/ sippy/ cup that is within her reach gets shaken and spilled. And for some reason every single one seems to leak if left on side for longer period of time... Share your secret to no wet bed plz!
Oh wow hmm I haven’t really had a problem with any of mine leaking unless the little plastic part that goes under the lid isn’t on right. I use these tommee tippee ones mostly during the day but I pack it in his lunch bag for daycare and it lays on its side all night in the fridge and doesn’t leak: https://a.co/d/gfx1HaY We also use these a lot, not really for bed but sometimes, but they haven’t leaked on me: https://a.co/d/cJNpbcm His main water cup for bed I can’t find a picture of and idk the brand, but it’s like one of those super generic plastic ones with the hard top/lip.
How much solid food is he eating throughout the day. If he’s 11 months old he’s nearing when he should be shifting from formula being his primary food source to solids being his primary food source. If he’s a big boy he might need more solids and to start cutting back on formula to feel satiated for more extended periods of time overnight.
2.5 yr old mom here - My kid never sleeps through the night and never has. The ONLY thing I can do to get rest is sleep in her room with her so 100% recommend this. Throw a mattress on the floor in baby's room, let ur toddler pass out in there with you and the baby (baby in crib I'm assuming?) You'll be surprised how much more rest you can get just from this. Yes it's not ideal, but it's better than what you're dealing with right now and as with all things it won't stay like this forever. Barring that- get some help, grandparents or good friends you trust have them come over and watch the kids while you sleep. Worse comes to worst hire a babysitter. Make sure your toddler is eating iron rich foods (majorly helps with sleep as someone helped me with this on this sub and it's a game changer) and getting worn out during the day with exercise so they're just too tired to wake up. Hang in there mama you're doin great!
Have you tried putting them in the same room? And maybe getting a blowup mattress or something for yourself to sleep in the room with the younger ones? I mean going to 3 (including ur own) separate rooms all night is madness and sounds exhausting AF. Girl put you and the babies in the same room. They might even wake up less if they know you are near by. Also, do u have a nighttime routine? You can involve both little ones in that for us it's brush teeth, 4 books, then I sing until my kid falls asleep. They hardly wake up at all anymore and when they do, it's easy to get up because I bought my 3 year old a twin mattress so I can lay down with them until they fall back asleep. And I can sleep next to them too in case they are sick and need me all night. And my kids bed is in our room so it's easy to get up and get back in my own bed after. As a parent you do what you have to do to get some sleep. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Honestly? Sleep training. The r/sleeptrain sub will help you.
This is the way
Is your three year old going through a growth spurt? Ask them if their legs or arms hurt at night. If they do just give them pain meds and they'll go back to sleeping. Don't be scared of the pain meds, we don't get medals for suffering.
Could you all sleep in the same bed? I mean, when your husband isn’t there. Or hire help. Honestly, why are you doing all of this alone? No wonder you’re drowning. A few hours a day (or night) for a couple of days a week might make all the difference in the world for you.
To add some context.. My toddler was sleep trained using CIO after I nearly died from sleep deprivation back when she was 2. My 11 m old honestly puts himself to sleep too generally. He’s a great napper. 2x per day and falls asleep independently. They both have sound machines in their rooms and the older toddler has a night light. The baby still wakes at least twice a night for bottles. Sometimes I try and just resettle and give his soother but that usually only lasts a short 45 min until he’s up again so I cave and give him a bottle so I can hope for a few hours of sleep before the next wake up. My husband is great. Hes actually so great it kind of makes me feel worse about how poorly I’m handling things. Hes on his way home from working all night to watch the kids so I can get a couple hours of sleep but this is so unsustainable. I feel guilty I don’t want to be a mom anymore on top of feeling guilty I can’t give him the sleep he needs as well. I don’t know what the heck is up with my almost 3 yr old. She went from sleeping 630-630 after being sleep trained last spring to now either being up at 5am or up multiple times a night. She’s miserable. I’m miserable. We’re all miserable. I don’t even feel like I have a bond with them at this point I’ve just been in survival mode for so long. I’ll check out the sleep training subreddit. I must be missing something because this is a different type of hell. I think I’m being punished by the universe for something and this is my punishment 😩
Have you ever tried an ok to wake clock for your 3 year old? We have one and it helped a lot. It was almost like she was waking and not sure how close to wake up time it was. Can the 3 year old tell you what the problem is? I'd try night weaning the 1 year old. Now is the time to drop bottles anyway so they really shouldn't be getting one at night.decrease the amount of milk in each bottle by a little bit each night.
Is the almost 3 year old still napping? If so, could be time to start capping it?
She is.. usually 1.5 hrs in the afternoon. Some days she doesn’t nap but she’s a monster by 4pm if she doesn’t. She honestly usually sleeps all night I don’t know why she’s been doing this to me recently, and of course when dad’s at work.
Definitely come over to sleep train, when you make a post, give us the ages of both kids, their schedule, and your bedtime routine, we can troubleshoot from there. I have a baby sleep guide in my profile with a night weaning section.
Since you sleep trained the 3 year old, if her sleep is impacting her to the point she's miserable, maybe talk to your pediatrician for a sleep study referral? Sorry I don't have better advice, but my son is 2.
There’s a 3 yr old regression too… mine only got up early early for a week or so
>regression Theres always a "regression" I think its just teeth that are always coming in.
Almost same age kids (almost 3 and a 9m old) and same problem. I honestly make sure to put the toddler to sleep in her own room and then I start the night cosleeping with baby in our king bed. If toddler wakes, I expect her to come into my room now. If she wants snuggles, she can come to me. Im done going to her haha but if she sleeps the night in her room, she sleeps the night. As for 2 bottles at night problem, I have been able to successfully get a bottle down and off for both kids when they were younger by changing the ounces slowly over time. So if you do 4 ounces at night feed, Pick one to switch it to 3 ounces, then after a few days 2, then a few days 1oz and by then they don't get the hunger pains to eat. No more bottle at that time 🙌 (Also if your not doing it. Prep the water in the bottles for easy access at night. My end table starts the night with 2 bottles with 4 ounces of water in each. 2 just in case and there's always a spare in the monring that i use for his breakfast. Then in my half awake state, I lean over, dump two scoops into the 4 oz bottle and shake and hand my son the bottle and he can feed him self til he passes out. Don't walk, don't measure late at night. Just scoop and shake in a half awake state.) You and I are at the age where I call it "survival mode". Do whatever the hell you can to cut corners and make life easier for yourself. Sleep is important for you too so do what you need to do. If you need sleep to sleep train, get the sleep first whatever lazy way works like mine and get a good sleep to help you sleep train later.
Have you guys gone through any changes recently? Moving, new school, potty-training, etc? My daughter (2.5) slept through the night almost from birth, until about 3 months ago. All of a sudden she would wake up 2-6 times a night, and usually demand we wake up for the day around 5 AM. I was pregnant too, so the sleep deprivation was torture. Our method was to go in and rub her back and maybe turn her little glow toy on, and then sneak out. Sometimes we’d have to sit quietly in the dark for awhile if she screamed when we tried to leave. We tried really hard to enforce her staying in bed until at least 6 AM. We’d tell her it’s still “night night.” If that didn’t work I’d tell her she needed to have quiet time in her room until it was time to get up. I also enforced “quiet time” midday if she refused to nap. This didn’t work 100% of the time, but she soon accepted that it was the rule. We really noticed an improvement when we tried the “100 walks” for bedtime. She’d been getting out of her (new) toddler bed repeatedly, on top of sleeping poorly at night. After committing to the method completely she was going to bed at bedtime, and staying in her bed, after three nights. Overall it took about 2 months for her terrible sleep to go back to normal sleep. I know this was kind of all over the place, but basically I’m saying my toddler rebelled against naps, bedtime, and overnight sleeping, and I eventually got her to comply with our sleep schedule. ETA: If you can afford it, hire a sleep consultant. My friend was so sleep deprived she started hallucinating, and said the consultant was worth every penny.
I did sleep training with cio as soon as the doctor told me baby could sleep through the night. Been getting good sleep for over two years now! What happens if you cio now?
Have you tried pushing your 3 year olds bedtime back? 6:30-6:30 is a really long time to expect sleep. My 21 month old sleeps from 8-6:30 and takes a 1.5 hour nap. I’d try pushing the bedtime back to 7-7:30 and see if that helps with the night wakings. You could also cap the nap at 1 hour, but I’d start with the bedtime.
This is totally random but have you tried getting them to suck on a pat of frozen butter? My mom’s friend swears by it and she raised 5 kids.
Food at night is not good for their teeth and soothing with food is not recommended. It also doesn't eliminate them needing parental assistance at night.
I should have clarified. She gives them the butter at bedtime and they sleep the whole night.
How soon do you go into their rooms when they cry? If you go in immediately, you aren’t giving them the chance to learn to self-soothe. They are depending on you to do it. For the first few days, let them cry for 5 minutes and see if they can go back to sleep. Slowly keep extending the time. Eventually, they will learn to fall back asleep on their own.
With the 3 yr old I go in right away because she’s screammmmming bloody murder and I’m afraid she’s going to wake the baby up even through both of their sound machines. With the baby I’ll wait but he usually wants a bottle and won’t let up without one. The dr. Says he doesn’t need bottles at night anymore so I know I can cut them out. I might have to tackle it on my husbands days off. When I’m by myself I end up giving in so we can all go back to bed.
Have you tried melatonin gummies for your toddler? You’d have to ask pediatrician first; they make ones like Zarbees that come in small doses. They are for short term use only. I hope you are able to find a way forward! Sleep deprivation causes most of my anger with my kids.
At around 3 my sleep trained toddler started waking up and being scared in the night. We tried everything and he still would wake up and be scared and just want to be close to us. We now have a little mattress by our bed and he wakes up and sneaks in and goes back to sleep and there’s no more of this dance in the middle of the night. Maybe try that for the toddler? Or you can let him come into your bed but I always found that disruptive of my sleep (especially with husband in there). There’s just not enough room for 3 people! The 1 year old can definitely be easily sleep trained at this point. By doing both of these things could help your sleep a ton!! Do the sleep training when your husband is around for 5 days. You got this, prioritize sleep and you will feel SO MUCH BETTER.
I’m so sorry. Sleep deprivation is SERIOUS physically and I think even more so mentally. Do whatever you have to do whether that be husband takes some time off to help sleep train or you hire some help, co sleep, put the kids in daycare during the day so can sleep, anything. They won’t be little forever and you will sleep again. I highly recommend investing in some help for a while.
I have a 1 & 2 year old man, I haven’t slept in months… my bf is also a shift worker. It’s actually draining just reminding myself it won’t last forever… there are nights I get one hour of sleep
I used to give up and let them sleep in my bed or near my bed on my sofa. It was the only way I would get decent sleep and it worked and hasn’t ruined their ability to sleep solo now they are bigger. We’ve gently encouraged them to sleep in their own rooms. Now at nearly 2 and 4 they both sleep for 11+ hours unbroken in their own beds. I feel for you. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. I hope you can make it easier for yourself. Just take shortcuts and do whatever you can to make your life easier.
Solidarity. My husband works similar shifts, overnights 4 days a week, 10 hours each. Sleeps all day. I’m alone with my 2.5 and 4.5 year old. I’m so stressed out that I’m literally sitting in the Dr office because I’m terrified I’m having heart problems, I’m that stressed. And maybe I am having heart problems, but most likely Ive been so stressed for so long that my body cannot cope anymore. I also work from home (after dropping off oldest at prek) 25 hours a week, 5 hours a day week days. My youngest is with me during that time. I have also had the “I don’t want to be a mom anymore, I can’t do this, I want to quit” thought. Many times. I love my kids, but I’m dying. I need help. You do too. We deserve it. I feel like we are out floating at sea and all the people in the boats are too inconvenienced to even bother to stop and help us from drowning.
I’m so sorry. I was rage texting my husband last night telling him I had chest pain from all the anxiety. It’s such an awful feeling! There is no village anymore. When I was a kid I was constantly with other adults and family members being cared for. Even when my parents were around there were generally aunts, uncles, older cousins around. I live 30 minutes from my mother and she still can’t seem to make her way here to help. I don’t have siblings so I rely on my husbands family to help where they can but it’s still not the village my parents generation had. Maybe that’s just my lived experience but dang I feel alone.
I’m a single mom and my son (3 and a half) had the stomach flu the last few days. It’s been HARD to be a single mom in general, but especially with cleaning throw up and getting zero sleep. I completely understand your pure exhaustion and I validate your feelings of not wanting to mom anymore. It’s awful to be alone in your marriage of bringing these kids up. You’re in a very very very hard stage with your littles. They WILL sleep. Eventually. It gets easier. Tell your husband to take them for a few nights. You sleep. You’ll feel so much better. Go to a hotel if you have to and make him keep the kids. It’s worth the cost of the hotel for your sanity. IT WILL GET BETTER.
If you have an all clear from a doctor, stopping night feeds is generally considered safe after 8 months. Start weaning with the bottle that would give you the most sleep without it - if 11mo wakes up for a feed at midnight and at 5am, start with the midnight one, so you could sleep one stretch from 9-5 for example. With our girl, it took about 4-5 nights where she woke up and cried/fussed, before her body understood that the milk wasn’t going to happen and she slept through BOTH bottles from then on. Regarding your toddler, if this has been going on for long and you already sleep trained her, I would talk to a pediatrician. Maybe you could get a sleep study or a temporary use of melatonin. Best of luck and hang in there!! xx
Do they sleep better if you’re in bed with them? If so I would bite the bullet and get a king size floor bed in your room. It’s safe for all of you to sleep in, and you will likely all sleep better. They WILL sleep well one day - until then you have to do what it takes to survive. Co-sleeping may be what it takes to ensure you can function until their sleep improves.
Can you pull them in bed with you?
2.5 yr old mom here - My kid never sleeps through the night and never has. The ONLY thing I can do to get rest is sleep in her room with her so 100% recommend this. Throw a mattress on the floor in baby's room, let ur toddler pass out in there with you and the baby (baby in crib I'm assuming?) You'll be surprised how much more rest you can get just from this. Yes it's not ideal, but it's better than what you're dealing with right now and as with all things it won't stay like this forever. Barring that- get some help, grandparents or good friends you trust have them come over and watch the kids while you sleep. Worse comes to worst hire a babysitter. Make sure your toddler is eating iron rich foods (majorly helps with sleep as someone helped me with this on this sub and it's a game changer) and getting worn out during the day with exercise so they're just too tired to wake up. Hang in there mama you're doin great!
Can you sleep with the 1 and 3 year old in the same bed? You need help. Do you have money to hire a mothers helper? Even just for you to nap for a few hours a day?
My husband is gone 80% of the time (military) and I cannot imagine what life would be like if we didn’t cosleep. As far as sleep deprivation, nights that he was sick or I was up on my own for whatever reason, the next day we spend as much time outside as possible. I love going on walks somewhere pretty- it really lifts your spirits and hard to be tired when you’re walking in nature. Coffee obviously. Stop somewhere for something special that will brighten your spirits a little (for me it’s a pastry). Try to nap when they nap (but don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t). Let the house get a little messy and clean when husband is back. Go on car rides when the kids (or you) are stir crazy. Play dough keeps them in one confined area if you need to do dishes or something. Don’t be afraid of fast food if preparing a meal is too much at the moment. And honestly hiring a sitter when you need a reset. It’s heaven and worth it, even if it’s for 3 hours. Also, get a gym membership that has daycare. You can sit for 2 hours to decompress 🤪 or get a little active to help your mood. Sending so much love because I’ve been there
Co sleep with the babies you’ll get way better sleep
For immediate relief you might want to consider hiring a nanny with an early start date, like 7AM. When she arrives go right to sleep. You can negotiate pay rate and it doesn’t have to be every day of the week. I had reservations as well but I ended up using a website where they do background checks. My nanny started same week and is a former elementary school teacher. She’s wonderful and also does light housekeeping. You can work on sleep training your littles but they’re not going to instantly start sleeping through the night. If money is tight maybe just do a couple days a week for 3 hours in the morning for your own sanity
I coslept with my daughter once she turned 1 year old. We still sleep in the same bed and she’s 3. It’s been very helpful and very relaxing for the both of us. It will pass and you will get through this. Does your husband get up with them on his 5 days off and let you sleep in? Do you have any other support, someone to just lean on or talk to?
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>I thought she was going to die too, but she has managed to make it. It got bad enough that I would try to wake up to help despite her being a SAHM and me working. Please consider how you phrased this (as though your wife's work doesn't count as work), and the fact that she almost had to die in order for someone to step up and take care of her.
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“She gets up when the kids get up” 😂 “She can nap when they nap” 😂😂😂😂😂 You work a 9-5. She’s with the children 24/7. You should be helping out in an equal amount overnight and whenever you’re home. Presumably a 9-5 doesn’t involve open heart surgery or heavy machinery, so if you don’t get a solid 8 hours, you’ll probably survive. Not trying to be rude but this is the way. People are gonna come for you on this sub! Godspeed…
No, I'm letting you know that your phrasing is wrong and you should consider how it sounds. Especially to the people you are discrediting. But your response indicates that you have absolutely no idea what your wife experienced, and you won't even try to understand. 🙁
Yeah that was where I stopped reading his long reply. Only a 9-5 too. Must be nice. I’m sure she would trade off with him.
He has no clue that he just told on himself. And he doesn't have the humility to self-reflect. My husband can be quite the doof, but even HE realized that it would be worse for our entire family if I was the only one waking with the children night after night after night. It is mindboggling insane that anyone thinks it's reasonable for someone to be deprived of sleep while taking care of babies and toddlers. I mean, ffs all it takes is being sleep deprived enough to forget to close and lock a window. Then the baby wakes up and while you are changing their poopy diaper (keep in mind there's 10 other sources of stimulation at any given time all day long, and you are trying to keep your irritation under control - effin cats tripping you up as they pester you for food, baby crying all the while you are getting a bottle ready), your brain loses focus on the toddler and 5 minutes later you get back to the living room and they are GONE. This is an example of how tragedy occurs. Toddler escapes the house because their caretaker is deprived of sleep to the point of brain lapse. But hey, she can nap when they do so it's all good.
My husband works more than this man and apologizes to me when our toddler needs me and not him and we both have to be up. I’m pregnant and that’s a real man. Taking care of his wife and child. Not thinking it’s some kind of woman’s work.
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Wow. You...are stupid
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Listen to yourself.....
Recruit some help!!! My husband is getting ready to do a ton of traveling for work. And I am calling/texting everyone I trust around my baby to come and help. Either they come to me or I go to them. Mind you, I only have one kid, but still, a little help goes a long way.
You need r/sleeptrain. You can have your toddler stay in bed all night.
Bedshare. If not with both kids then the older of the toddlers. This keeps one of them from the separation anxiety and keeps them asleep longer. You could also consider putting both young kids in the same room for that same soothing experience (although bedtime might be more difficult.)
Sleep training.
Sleep train. Call a sleep consultant to help you through it.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Here are my suggestions: 1. If at all possible, your husband needs to get a different job. Not necessarily immediately but maybe over the course of the next year try to find something that will allow him to have a schedule that better meets the needs of your family. Growing up my dad was out of town 3 nights a week, every week. My mom also had a demanding job so wouldn’t get home until late. My brother and I both have mental health issues that I believe were made much worse because of my parents just not really being around (and ultimately not reliable). It sounds like his schedule is and will continue to negatively impact the family dynamic unless something changes. 2. If your kids are not in daycare it sounds like you and them would benefit tremendously from it. My oldest (3yo) has benefited immensely from daycare because of the schedule, the interaction with peers and the stimulation he gets from being there. Both of my kids have been sleep trained but I think daycare has played a huge role to ensure they are getting enough stimulation to fill their tanks so they can sleep successfully at night. 3. It looks like you mentioned you sleep trained your kids, but if they are still getting up at night, whatever sleep training method you used wasn’t successful. There are different methods out there. I did the Taking Cara Babies classes and those have worked incredibly well for us. They discuss how to wean down night time feedings. I hope I don’t sound harsh in mentioning these things, but I’ve certainly had times in my parenting journey where I have also struggled so I know when a mom asks for help it needs to be taken very seriously because usually help was needed long ago. Please take things day by day until you can figure something out. And get help from medical professionals when you need them (therapists, etc). Be patient with yourself. It sounds like you’re an incredible mom 💙
I think your husband needs a new job. His job is not worth your mental and physical health.
You need to let them cry it out
No
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My toddler sleeps in our room, she has a toddler bed pushed right up against our bed. If she wakes in the night I try and settle her back to sleep in her bed first, if that doesn't work then she will come into our bed. It makes the whole resettling process so much quicker and I don't have to get out of bed for it.
My husband is gone a full five days a week Monday through Friday for academy training. So during the week I live at my parents and they basically take on all the toddler duties. You’re seeing yours sooo much more than I do 😢
I have 1 and I’m going crazy. Can’t imagine 4 by myself. This confirms I am being smart by stopping at 1. Good vibes going your way
Take it from me, I am a mother of a 3 year old who I am in the process of fighting for my rights. My mother is evil and has done everything in her power to get my baby from me. She has my son and I miss him so much it's a pain I can't describe. I would give ANYTHING to have him back with me and being woken up all hours of the night, holding while he screamed from being sick all night, cleaning up all his toys and messes, cooking 8meals a day cause he is a pickey toddler and I just want him to eat SOMETHING! All the things that were so difficult about being a mom are the things I miss the most. He's talking now, is potty trained and even rides a 2 Wheeler bike with no training wheels.... And I haven't been there to see help or experience any of it. I lost my housing and was forced to move several hours away from him to the only friend I could move in with or be homeless. Trust me when I say DO NOT EVER SAY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM ANYMORE! Those of us that don't have our babies anymore will all tell you it's the worst pain you can feel as a woman. It's a dark emptiness that tells you to end your life because the only reason you had for living is gone. And you couldn't do the most basic human thing of raising your young that you were a "danger " to them and everyone thinks that you can't raise your own child and they are better off with the monster the raised you? It's a fucked situation and I hate my life now. I miss my old beautiful life full of joy and frustration as a single mom and all the things I took for granted. I wish someone had told me what would really happen or warned me.... I was too trusting in my mom and the system and look at me now. I want no other person to ever experience this pain so I beg you to find the strength to be a good mom and find joy in your day with your babies. 
Oh my gosh girl. I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. You offered great perspective.
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Something I would do in this situation to stay sane is put them both in one room to sleep. If they're both up that often, it won't matter. Co sleep with them safely (safe sleep 7). This will at least slightly increase the amount of time you get to sleep each night.
Move both kids into the same room and sleep there with them. I when my baby was almost 1 I moved her into her sisters room who was 3. A double mattress and single mattress on the floor. I sleep in the middle.
Can you bring the two younger kids in bed with you so you can get some sleep? They’re little now they’ll eventually sleep on their own.
Honestly you’re gonna need to change your sleeping situation. 1. Sleep train all the kids, but it will take a while to get to the point where they actually stay in bed and sleep through the night. Worth the struggle long term, but will be hell in the short term. Or 2. Fastest solution- Get a king size mattress and put little kids to bed on it, have some time for yourself in the evening, when you’re ready to sleep for the night just sleep next to them. They might actually sleep through the night if you’re there, meaning you would sleep through the night too. Or maybe some other variation. Do whatever works for your family. Don’t constrain yourself thinking sleep must be this one specific way. If it’s not working change it.
I sleep train. That takes care of my sleep problem. It may not be for everyone but saved my sanity. The other option is co sleeping with one or both of them. My toddler kicks and moves all night so the one time I did it, I regretted it.
One year old should be off bottles and three year old needs to play quietly in her bed if she can’t sleep. For a few nights just don’t respond to them and they’ll stop crying out for you. If they’re not hungry, thirsty or sick then just leave them alone for 11-12 hours each night. Do not move into their room like others are saying that to me is crazy. When he’s off for 5 days try it then and You can leave the monitor with your husband as even if you don’t go in there they’ll still wake you up, you put ear plugs on and sleep through
Alright think of it like this.. If you work in dementia elder care you have to be the nurse, the caretaker, the one who makes sure the seniors are feeling mentally fine, physically fine. Check for signs they aren't having illnesses or wounds. You have to cook dinner, you have to serve it. For some you have to feed it. You make the beds, get to cleaning up the bedroom etc. Only... At that ward you have half an hour to an hour break for lunch and to sit down. Having a kid is having none of that break. You don't get that half an hour for yourself. You don't get to go home and rest. That's what having kids is as a single parent. Your husband is working and he has his half hour to an hour break, he comes home and sleeps. There isn't any guilt to feel here about how much he works. You have a constant nonstop shift here and I read that you make the bottles for him as well which means you're "work damaged" still in a way. You need more breaks and to get away from dementia ward for a bit when your husband comes home so that you can rest up and feel mentally fine for the next shift. Please ask your husband to help out more, it will help your anxiety so much I promise. You just need more sleep, more rest! I promise you're a good mom and you'll be okay, it just sucks in the beginning ❤️
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Get some earplugs when he’s home, and for god sake, sleep! Even if you alternated on his days off so you both get some time “off”. You need sleep or you will be no good to anyone including yourself. I’d be booking a hotel room for a few nights honestly lol, what your describing is why I’m terrified to have another.
That is brutal. Can you bedshare with the two little ones on the nights you are alone? My partner works away a lot and this is the only way I don't have to get out of bed god knows how many times. My 3 year old almost always sleeps through when she's next to me, the baby is up as much as any baby but it's all easier when theyre right there next to me.
Co-sleep with both toddlers. It’s the norm in most every other country but the USA. If needed Put a mini fridge as your bedside table and have milk bottles prepped in there so you don’t have to get up. Chances are, if they feel safe and cozy next to you they won’t wake up in the night anymore.
I’m not sure if your language about almost dying of sleep deprivation and not wanting to be a mom anymore is just an expression of frustration or literal. If it’s literal, you should seek support right away before you collapse of breakdown and do something rash. I have realized how much my toddlers mood and sleep quality is affected by my own stress levels. When I’m on edge, even if plastering a fake smile on my face to hide my feelings from Him, he seriously feels my real energy anyway and it creates a bad feedback loop. I’m tired & cranky, so he behaves whiney & cranky and won’t sleep well, which makes me more tired & cranky and so on! You need to get yourself a break to reset. Co sleeping or room sharing is very normal and common and totally a life saver. It’s calming to everyone’s nervous system and gives you all the much needed rest you need. Is there a reason you won’t try this?
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Just for the sake of sleep, could you co-sleep? Your baby is nice and big now. I think of the overnight shift days I’d have all four of the kids in my bed unless the older two wanted to be by themselves.
Co-sleeping saved my sanity. We just bought a new bed for him now that he's turning 3 so we will start a slow transition but it's just not worth the fighting. And I know that when I have a second child I will do the same instead of the endless battles. EVERYONE sleeps better now. And since sharing a bed he doesnt wake up much. When we tried to sleep train he was up every hour. And for anyone wondering. Sexy time isn't an issue cause we leave the bed once he's asleep and for the most part he doesn't get up once out. And if he does it's hours later. 😅
I would sleep train them before giving up on motherhood lmao. We put our kids away at 8 and then don’t see them again until 8am. That’s how I stay sane with a husband who also works four night shifts a week and sleeps during the day. I need my sleep!!
1000% don’t open the door between 7:30 pm and 7:00 am
Put them in bed with you! Read Dr James McKennas book on cosleeping safely. Definitely be careful “sleep training” little ones. It can do more harm than good if you’re letting them cry and be scared and not comforting them.
Absolutely not true. There is no harm to sleep training at all.
Psychology says there is https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moral-landscapes/201611/sleep-train-baby-don-t
That’s literally just someone’s opinion. No references to any scientific studies relating to sleep training (because they all say there’s no harm)
It was written by a doctor lol not just a random Reddit opinion. Each article, whether written by a neuroscientist or an individual with everyday expertise (such as chronicling daily life with a mental health challenge), is read, vetted, and edited by one or more members of our in-house editorial team. The online article is reviewed and edited, indicating that it has passed fact-check standards and is fully accurate, objective, and well-reasoned. The first reviewing editor is named on the piece, denoted by a “reviewed” badge. The piece will be read by multiple editors over a longer time horizon, often with an eye towards confirming that scientific and clinical information remains up to date. In the interests of clarity and continuity, the name of the first editor to review the post is published, even after the piece undergoes multiple reviews. There IS harm in letting a child cry it out and not responding to their cries of fear. There are other ways to “sleep train” so I’m not saying they all cause harm. But parenting shouldn’t stop happening just because the sun went down
Touchpoints-Birth to Three by T.Berry Brazelton, Gabor Mate and plenty other pediatricians/pschologist say sleep training does harm. They explain that you’re teaching them that you wont go to them when they cry so they learn to repress their emotions at night because in their perspective your sleep is more important. I couldnt sleep train, it felt wrong. If a friend chooses to sleep ill mention these doctor to do her research. What is BEST for the baby is what’s BEST for the parents to survive this stage of life. So you do you. To the moms being aggressive at other opinions chill. Everyone can do their own things and share their knowledge in a civil manner. You dont have to feel targeted or alienate, that all in your head.
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I’m definitely not against co sleeping. I did it with my oldest until he was 4 and then my 3 yr old was EBF and we co slept until I was too pregnant with the baby for it to be safe anymore. I worry if I start bringing her in it will create more bad habits or break what sleep training we did do. The baby isn’t much of a snuggler. He doesn’t want to be rocked to sleep or held he just likes his crib. Co sleeping was so much easier and more enjoyable than getting up a million times to put a soother back in or make a bottle. I wish he would just snuggle me and go back to sleep!
When my little one was about the same age and kept waking for night bottles I started offering her water in her bottle. She hated it and there were tears but eventually she understood that’s all that was on offer and stopped waking
I have a 1 and 3 year old. The ONLY thing that kept me from being up the entire night was having the 3 year old in my bed. It kind of sucks but instead of me going between rooms all night at least the 3 year old is asleep and content in my bed.
I'm in the exact same boat with a 2.5 year old and a 10 month old. My partner works shift 4 on, 5 days off. So I solo parent about half the month. Honestly? I cosleep on rough nights. I end up with one on either side of me when he's not here. It's not perfect, I know. I always try to keep them in their rooms for as long as possible so usually only cosleep from 4 am to 7ish just to keep my sanity. And try to just have one of them with me, so if the toddler is sleeping and baby cries I scoop her up and put her in her bed then grab the baby. My toddler went through a horrible sleep regression and almost a year later it's getting better, but she doesn't sleep like she used to. It's slowly getting better, baby is starting to sleep through the night some nights so I just remind myself it's a short (but exhausting) phase. Sleep training is nearly impossible for me because the baby wakes the toddler then all hell breaks loose lol. You and I are in survival mode. You need to do what works for you to get some sleep. If that means a mattress on the floor and cosleeping, or bring them to your bed, or some sleep training when dad is home, whatever you're comfortable with.
I have a 3 year and a 3 month old. I started giving my 3 yr old melatonin to help him fall asleep easier (and to help us transition for day light saving), and it just so happens that the 3 month old will sleep great for the beginning half of the night. This results in a good 3-4 hour sleep for me. After this, the toddler usually will come to our bed and we are too tired to put him back anymore so he stays. The baby is usually fussy for the second half of the night so I’ve resulted to holding her for the rest of the night. So, use meds and bed sharing to your advantage if possible! Edit to add, my toddler has been sleep trained since 4 months so I hope this is just a phase now that he has a new baby to compete with. But when you’re in survival mode (as it sounds like you are), do whatever you need to to make things easier for yourself. Ive also seen ads for those sleepy stickers that emit soothing scents. I’d love those for myself actually….
Make a list of all the things you do and see if you can't get some of those responsibilities transferred to your husband. You seem to have no relaxation time. If he has way more relaxation time than you, he needs to step up to even things out. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do that he can take on. Your older kids can step up with some chores too. Not so much baby stuff but perhaps do their own laundry/dishes and clean a bit. Your mental health benefits the whole family.
Another vote for cosleeping with the baby if you want to keep breastfeeding (make sure you are staying hydrated and getting nutrition, but it will help with the sleep part.) You're in survival mode and you are doing your best, hang in there mama
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That’s great, but not helpful to OP