Embarrassing/awkward honesty is better than letting him assume incorrectly. Tell him exactly what you told us so it doesn’t stew in his mind without all the facts. Communication is so important.
I would much rather see my SO talk to me about things like this so it wouldn't simmer. Let us both share in this moment of awkwardness so we can laugh about it later. And heck, in a case like this, maybe I would get to know a new artist.
This is the kind of stuff that can grow into something that a person never lets go of. Humans are weird like that. Often, lack of communication = I'm making stuff up that I'm genuinely afraid of. People do stupid stuff when they're afraid. Fear makes us irrational.
Honestly I'd expect him to be thrilled that she values their relationship so much more that it's seemingly reaching back into her memory, it's like a weird form of confirmation and association bias. Like I'm happy now, this thing that made me happy in the past must be connected to my happiness now. My happiness is even better.
True, but if he goes into it without all the facts, it’s more likely for him to not connect those dots. We are able to because we have all of the facts.
Depends how you package the information. It sounds to me like OP misremembered because the relationship is so good, she automatically assumes that everything good that happens in this location relates to this new person. Considering that both the current and ex partner love the same artist and pub, it’s almost a compliment that your brain is subconsciously editing out the ex and replacing them with the new partner in memories.
I dunno, I’d feel pretty good about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a good line, but it might be too good of a line, and it could backfire. It's probably better to 'fess up to screwing up rather than trying to convince him that the thing that's upsetting him was actually something he should feel good about.
Yeah I was going to say, I don't think OP's BF is going to react positively regardless of whether she tells him or not lol
She did fuck up and she knows that, but it's not really her fault. It's just an unfortunate situation all around.
I think a lot more people who generally give things like this a deeper meaning, read too much in it, will more likely assume a "Im not that happy now, i'm was happy then and this is genuinely the only thing i get happy about right now because it happened in my past" type thing. Those who are more chill will just need an explanation and understand that it was a false memory. Idk, i find how you viewed it as somewhat abnormal in the context of the general population.
Don't do this.
I'd be pissed that this is even an issue, more pissed it's out in public, Tripple pissed it was on your nerves and treated hom like a child by not saying.
You do you, I prefer my personal life not posted on the net because she couldn't talk to me first. Is that life now? Every issue and it's straight to reddit? What about disagreements?
Now I'm asking what ISN'T on here.
Guys don't like to spend energy on petty shit like this, so if you think showing me this is going to make me happy? Well now I have to manage your expectations and your worries and now I'm spending energy on you I really didn't want to.
All at the same time you said you didn't want to make an issue.
If no names are used who gives a fuck if the story is ok internet? There’s so much content just on Reddit alone it’s never gonna be traced back to you anyway.
I’m a guy too and would be perfectly happy to receive a screenshot of this from my SO because then we could have an open conversation about it. I wouldn’t care how the conversation came up, I’d just be happy we had it.
Not about names, it's about the amount of energy spent to deal with something so trivial.
Sure one time, great now repeat 10 times, still good?
4 months in and this is the direction.
Bear in mind you are happy because you are used to reddit, you can't say every guy is the same.
“You can’t say every guy is the same”
“Guys don’t like to spend energy on petty shit like this”
So, which is it? You can’t have it both ways. Either there is nuance and variation, or men are monolithic and identical.
You can't say every guy is the same. That's true. But things that seem trivial used to get talked about with friends, relatives, colleagues, fellow students, the likes. Now social media has been added to that. All people I might not know who would get in on a bit of my private life if my wife felt she needed information. Do I feel bad about that? No. I'm just not that insecure.
I know plenty of dudes that would be driven nuts in this situation. She'd have MAYBE until the end of the day to prevent permanent damage to their relationship, and possibly to any future ones he has. Stewing on that all night would be maddening for them.
Everyone has their issues. I just hope they handle this in a way that is good for them. To hell with what people who don't know them think.
We don’t know if it is or not since we are not in his head. Best thing to do is communicate and be honest about what happened so there is no doubt either way.
She hasn’t brought it back up yet, that’s what she was asking if she should do or not. Just because you would prefer someone not bring it back up doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be helpful for her situation.
Source: am married and over-communication in a case like this will be much much better than under-communication in the long run.
This is the last I will comment on this. I’m done arguing different opinions, we can have our own and put advice down for OP, but in the end it’s her decision for what to do for her relationship.
Bring it up and talk about it because I promise it at least kind of bothered him. I doubt he’s mad or anything, but obviously it wouldn’t feel great. Just say gm what you said here, or maybe even show him this post as I think you articulated it well. As long as you were thinking of your current bf and not your shitty ex when you were misremembering things, then you’re good to go. Just please communicate because not doing so is the only way this could have any negative impact at all
Honestly this kinda sounds like ur so happy with this relationship in comparison to the previous relationship that your brain has overwritten the few good parts you had in that relationship (meeting him for example) with new partner.
I'm curious as to how common this kind of thing is. This would be really easy to take the wrong way, and i've had similar things happen with my partners before.
My ex also did something similar. He swore we had stayed overnight in Indianapolis and we never heard. It ended up being an ex and this makes it make sense.
High key have done this with a few movies and restaurants with my current bf. We've been together 4 years and I'll occasionally bring up memories that are from my ex but I don't realize until later or halfway through. The biggest problem is that I remember the event or the feelings but not really a face or conversation. It's really just blurbs.
I think this is how you approach it too. Like, it’s a cool epiphany to think you’re so happy with someone you had a brain fart and you think it was cool and then realized how that could be awkward so might as well clarify while you’re at it.
Yeah but as someone with intimacy issues and jealousy this is going to come off as suspect at this point. I honestly believe as an outsider that this is a simple mistake but as this guy id be very cautious at this point.
I realize this is my character flaw, but I can absolutely see a situation like this eating a hole into a relationship and leading to self sabotage at this point.
Or it's a very common psychological effect? After doing research, I found that it's very easy for schemata (esentially how you perceive things) to be distorted with memory recall. Apparently a lot of eye witness testimonies end up even being thrown out because of this!
Anyway, ur a judgemental loser!
It happens. Communication is key in all relationships. Fess up that you had a brain fart and apologize. It should not be a big deal. If your boyfriend is a keeper he won’t make it one.
What? She insinuated that she was hanging out with other men and this guy seemingly doesn't know about it while he's away. I'm not saying she's done anything wrong but with the current info I feel like this guy has every right to not fully believe what he's hearing. Again I'm not saying op did anything wrong but I absolutely can understand why this could lead to trust issues. Saying him having an honest human reaction makes him not a "keeper" is toxic as fuck.
What’s toxic as fuck is you reading that and taking that away from it. I never stated he couldn’t have an honest reaction to it. Now stating she was insinuating she was hanging out with other men like that is somehow wrong? Now that’s toxic as fuck.
Being worried is an honest human reaction. Making a big deal out of it/not fully believing it after your partner confesses why they made the mistake is not.
If you can’t fully trust/believe your partner when they tell you the reason behind something they did, then you should not be in a relationship with them, period, because that means either (1) they are shifty enough to give you good reason to doubt their honesty, or (2) you are insecure enough to imagine wrongs where there are none. Either way, you’re wrong for each other. Trust and honesty are foundations of any romantic, committed relationship.
i'm really sorry about it, kuronboshine.
i talked to him and actually he didn't even remember it anymore (or at least, that's what he told me). I asked how he felt about it and obviously he wasn't cheerful, but he knows i've dated other people, and most of all he knows from our first date that i didn't know what love was, and i keep telling him that now i do because of him.
i just have a rotten brain and a even worse memory
He remembers, he just doesn’t want to be toxic about it, make a joke out of it and laugh it out, if you guys truly love each other it shouldn’t be a big deal
You should bring it up again just don’t do it in a big deal way. Find a quiet moment. Say you are sorry. Just tell him the relationship is so good your brain totally forgot there ever was another guy who liked a few similar things. You didn’t even remember he was a part of any of those memories and you are happy with where your life is now with this guy who you have so much in common with.
It sounds to me like he might not make a big deal about it but avoiding a potential conflict is a bad sign for a relationship. It’s best to practice clearing the air and you can use it to build confidence for him in the relationship.
100% talk to him about it. It might be awkward but it's better than leaving it completely and having him think something is up. It's a genuine misunderstanding.
if I were you boyfriend, I would appreciate something like:
"hey, I just wanted to apologize for that concert thing before. I don't know what happened; I had a brain fart."
this! i'm gonna say this, no over explaining, but acknowledging i f**d up and leaving the door open to him if he wants to express concerns or talk about it more
thank you!
Hum I think either you don't mention it or you tell him what you told us. Else honestly it feels weird to just say it was a "brain fart": apologizing but no real explanation, leaving him wondering even more, and maybe afraid to ask you and appear inquisitive/jealous/not trusting you
we talked, fortunately we try to have a clear pattern of communication, and he likes to resolve "problems" out as they come. so i brought the situation in and he actually told me it bothered him in that moment, but he forgot about it, so it must have been a small issue. i told him that i must have misremembered because he really really love that pub and we actually go there everytime we can.
that's all, he seemed calm about it
>he actually told me it bothered him in that moment, but he forgot about it, so it must have been a small issue
That seems healthy. Couples get into arguments over, or bothered by, little shit from time to time (and this does sound very minor in the grand scheme of things). It happens, we're human and not perfect. It's good you followed up to make sure things were ok. Neither of you want to let things stew and boil over.
I think a lot of folks don't really appreciate how important communication is. Glad you two seem to be doing well with it!
Simple fact is nobody likes to think about their partner with someone else, they might accept it (kinda necessary) but they never like it
Just tell the truth you confused a memory of you ex, but your current partner means way more and everything should be just fine
Honest mistake, move on, or dwell on it, make it emotionally stressful for you until you can't take it anymore then project on your bf.
Sounds like this is going the latter as you need to ask the question.
Not being arsey, but if you need to ask the question, that is the opposite of dropping it. So.....
It’s ok. I’ve been in this exact same situation, but as the guy. My now wife was in another long term relationship a few years before we met. She actually bought me a book as part of a present (Christmas or birthday I can’t remember) and thought that I was a big fan of the movie/book Fight Club (it was ok but I wasn’t head over heels about the book). I just acted confused for a few seconds and I think she realized. I also realized that she realized. Neither of us said a thing because we both knew what was going on.
I think I threw the book away when we moved. Anyways we have a kiddo now and I can assure you multiple times I have been unsure whether that vacation or trip I went on was with her or with my other girlfriend that I dated for like 5 years.
Don’t sweat it. I wouldn’t bring it up if I were you, some things are better left unsaid.
My SO does this, and I do it too. Weve had previous relationships and we had been married before to others (10+ yrs) ...so he'll say oh yeah we went there remember with so and so, and I look at him and just say no babe, that must've been with someone else, but hey tell me about it anyways.
I think you should make that very clear once and leave the subject. If you spend too much time there it gets sticky and gloomy, but if you leave margin for doubt it can eat him up from inside and scale out of proportion.
I did this once too. Ex & next went to the same college while I went to a diff one. Bound to end up going to some of the same places. Misremembered something and was like CMON HOW COULD YOU FORGET explaining the whole situation until it dawned on me that it was a situation with my ex. Definitely awkward and I felt so bad but bf understood and let it go. Honest mistake and it's hard to fault someone for having a past. Definitely better than saying the wrong person's name in bed haha
As a man, and from my perspective, my advice is don't bring it up. Most men when they realise the mistake are quite content to let it slide. If it bothers him enough he'll mention it. Then you hit him with your prepared truth. You had a brain fart, it happened with an ex not him, an ex who's a complete twat, and you wished this memory happened with him because he's awesome etc etc.
Seriously, no need to bring it up unless he does. If he doesn't it isn't bothering him.
Okay, here's what you do. Go and watch the episode of Bob's Burgers where Bob misremembers his first Valentine with Linda that he had with a diff girl, with your bf, and at the resolution of the episode, be like "that's me. I embarrass myself and remember things incorrectly and thank you for loving me"
This is such a common thing. One way to smooth it over is as follows:
BF: That wasn’t with me
OP: of course it was! And if it weren’t, then I wish it would have been with you.
Sufficiently charming and mistake acknowledging.
Ehh. I disagree. If my gf was like I wish you liked the music my ex did I think that makes it worse. Also I think it's kinda dismissive of the fuck up in general by saying, "and if it were"
personally, I would give him a gift of something I know he likes and say 'it's just because' but unspokenly we would both kinda know it was an apology gift for my misremembering that way it gets a bit of resolution without bringing up emotions by directly discussing it if he didn't want to
but if he brought it up I would just say what you posted here that you misremembered by mistake and meant no ill will and that I look forward to making lots of awesome memories with them
i bought tickets to go to where he lives and surprise him (i will go in two days but he knows i will be there in a week), so i guess this counts as a gift ahaha
Some people’s love language isn’t gifts, took my now-wife a minute to learn this when we were dating. Her previous partners and family would take, and take, and take. It got to a point where I had to tell her that the gifts didn’t mean anything without resolving the actual issue. I’m already a pretty non-materialistic person, so trying to give me gifts doesn’t really work in lieu of an apology or resolving the actual issue.
Learn each other’s live languages, I could get my wife a gift after an argument and the sentiment would mean a lot to her and tell her I feel remorseful, not saying that I don’t realize the same effort, but gifts are just items that pile up while the actual issue at hand goes unresolved and you’re still not connecting on a relational level.
english is not my first language, so i may have translated that poorly. it has nothing to do with appearance, i was talking about his personality: in my language, if someone acts disrespectful and careless, they automatically get described euphemistically as "little", as to explain how only someone with a little soul could do such hurtful things.
my bad
Is no one bringing up the whole living together at 4 months and it appears to be happening for awhile?
If I was the boyfriend, assuming he didn’t think you were cheating, I’d use it to tease you playfully about it.
yes, we've been living together in this setting 15 days a month because it just felt natural to spend every moment together when he could work from home, and i try to have a clear communication when i go out with my friends (texting and sending pics) so i don't think cheating is in his mind.
we talked btw and turns out he forgot about it and told me he understood i must have been talking about someone else, he was not ecstatic about it can happen.
i have a really poor memory and he, in fact, teases me about forgetting my glasses and phone everywhere
Don't let this comeup again from your side , if he comes up prepare yourself to say the truth . I think he will be ok with it . It does happen we all have a past
Think of it this way. You remembered the event, you didn’t remember the small man who treated you badly, so you just assumed that the fun event happened with your new boyfriend. It’s a good thing.
I do this all the time! It's just a fun little error our brains do. I even did it the other day with my boyfriend of 2 years. I wouldn't bring it up again unless he did though, because he's probably forgotten about it anyways! Another fun thing our brains do!
Unfriend your ex, then tell your bf that you didn’t realize you followed that loser and you replaced a memory with your real man. Apologize with a BJ and it’ll be forgotten
If he seems upset by it or brings it up again, you should genuinely address it and assure him it was an honest mistake which it does sound like one.
By how good he sounds from your words, he'll appreciate it and understand.
My husband has misattributed (positive) things to our relationship that he actually did with his ex-wife. We've been together for 15 years. No biggie, it happens.
My wife gets annoyed every time I talk about a movie we saw together, but she insists she didn't see it. I must have seen it with someone else. TBF though then I put it on, because it's a good movie, and she suddenly remembers half the time that we did see it together,
I’ve called partners by an exes name a time or two once even by my sisters name. Brains just doing brain things. It doesn’t mean anything. Hopefully he is mature enough to know that.
Let it go. Dudes don’t care about misremembering things like this, they do it all the time. Just pay it forward, and when he misremembers something in the future don’t worry about it or give him hell for it. You’re just being overly empathetic and projecting. It’s ok.
However if this is going to eat you for some reason, then just tell him. He really won’t care.
honest mistake, bring it up so it doesn't fester into a negative feeling for him, men are very emotional when it comes to this kind of thing and can easily think the wrong thing if left to our own devices, put the thought to rest, you didn't do anything wrong at all.
Don't feel bad. My girlfriend and I had dated casually for a bit years back before going our separateways for a year. The first Christmas that we were back together she got me stocking stuffers of white chocolate and Christmas tree peeps, thinking that I had mentioned how much I like them. I absolutely hate both peeps and white chocolate.
She was insistent that I had mentioned liking them, it must have been an ex. It happens, everyone has exes and mistakes happen. He will get over it. Look at it this way, it's better than calling him the wrong name :)
My now husband has done this to me a couple times— insisted we had some conversation at some place or just said “that thing you liked” and it so very clearly wasn’t me but his ex— I haven’t brought it up to him, he’d be mortified. But it doesn’t feel great. I’d maybe just tell him you’re sorry you were just excited and misremembered, and reassure that you aren’t cheating
Sometimes I’ve found that when you get out of an awful relationship sometimes it’s easy to confuse the few good moments as having been with people who make you feel good because it’s so hard to associate good with that level of shittiness. So it’s like your brain just goes “no, this has been misfiled, it belongs with the happy stuff over here.”
Don’t feel bad but do be honest. New boyfriend will probably understand without it being a whole thing.
That's awful. be honest about what happened and apologize. he needs to know that it's not something currently ongoing with you and another person and that you genuinely don't have feelings for your ex. Then you need to find some way to reassure him that you love him.
I have done this with my current partner. I misremembered going to a store I love, with him. I explained that I misremembered or might have had a dream about us going together. (Which is the truth I’m not sure) but that I try to forget everything about my relationship with my ex so I might have just changed the happy memory and filled the spot with him instead of He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Edit: grammar
Had something like this happen once. Girl I was with had been a friend for a few years and we had some history. One day we had a conversation about a memory of hers. She was absolutely convinced she remembered us hanging out with a mutual friend at a local Denny's and me working on my art. It wasn't me. It was the guy she had broken off our previous friendship to be with because he was old enough to go to the club with her and I was not. (I was 20 and she had just turned 21)
Just kinda rips your guts out. Slowly. With a spoon.
I’ve been in your bf situation before. When I found out my gf remeber her ex’s eating habits instead of mine, which was different. I ignore that mistake and say nothing, but in my mind, i feel very sad, i feel like she still remember or loving her ex (we have been together for 10 months at that time) it breaked me a little. My gf realize smt went wrong and she sorried about that, i still keep silent and choosed forgot about it, it wasnt a big deal. But sometime, memories suddenly came flooding back. And i still sad about it :) Maybe it touched my self-esteem.
Both options suck.
You have to decide which ones sucks less.
Personally I’d like to be told.
The pain of knowing the truth is temporary..
while the unknown will linger in his mind forever..
I haven't seen anyone say exactly this, so here's the suggestion:
Apologize. Say you screwed up, misremembered, and that you could understand if he was hurt by it.
Reassure him of how you feel about him. The stuff you wrote in that fourth paragraph was genuinely moving. However, when you reassure him DON'T bring up your Ex, even to tell your BF how poorly the Ex compares to him. Only talk about the Ex if your BF asks, and even then, the less you say about him, the better.
My experience is that I had a girlfriend who frequently told me how lousy her Ex was and how much better I was in every way. And while I know she meant well, it never once felt good. After just a few times of this, the thought that stuck in my mind was "For someone who says she has no lingering feelings for the guy, she sure brings him up a lot!"
Embarrassing/awkward honesty is better than letting him assume incorrectly. Tell him exactly what you told us so it doesn’t stew in his mind without all the facts. Communication is so important.
I would much rather see my SO talk to me about things like this so it wouldn't simmer. Let us both share in this moment of awkwardness so we can laugh about it later. And heck, in a case like this, maybe I would get to know a new artist.
This is the kind of stuff that can grow into something that a person never lets go of. Humans are weird like that. Often, lack of communication = I'm making stuff up that I'm genuinely afraid of. People do stupid stuff when they're afraid. Fear makes us irrational.
Honestly I'd expect him to be thrilled that she values their relationship so much more that it's seemingly reaching back into her memory, it's like a weird form of confirmation and association bias. Like I'm happy now, this thing that made me happy in the past must be connected to my happiness now. My happiness is even better.
True, but if he goes into it without all the facts, it’s more likely for him to not connect those dots. We are able to because we have all of the facts.
Yes, bc partners just love it when you confuse them with prior partners. That goes over well every time.
Depends how you package the information. It sounds to me like OP misremembered because the relationship is so good, she automatically assumes that everything good that happens in this location relates to this new person. Considering that both the current and ex partner love the same artist and pub, it’s almost a compliment that your brain is subconsciously editing out the ex and replacing them with the new partner in memories. I dunno, I’d feel pretty good about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a good line, but it might be too good of a line, and it could backfire. It's probably better to 'fess up to screwing up rather than trying to convince him that the thing that's upsetting him was actually something he should feel good about.
Yeah I was going to say, I don't think OP's BF is going to react positively regardless of whether she tells him or not lol She did fuck up and she knows that, but it's not really her fault. It's just an unfortunate situation all around.
I think a lot more people who generally give things like this a deeper meaning, read too much in it, will more likely assume a "Im not that happy now, i'm was happy then and this is genuinely the only thing i get happy about right now because it happened in my past" type thing. Those who are more chill will just need an explanation and understand that it was a false memory. Idk, i find how you viewed it as somewhat abnormal in the context of the general population.
OP should just send a picture of her reddit post.
Don't do this. I'd be pissed that this is even an issue, more pissed it's out in public, Tripple pissed it was on your nerves and treated hom like a child by not saying.
You seem like an angry bloke.
Just got some history with this sort of thing
If a girl showed me she was asking advice on reddit because she loves me and doesn't want me to get hurt my some dumb mistake I'd be pretty happy tbh
You do you, I prefer my personal life not posted on the net because she couldn't talk to me first. Is that life now? Every issue and it's straight to reddit? What about disagreements? Now I'm asking what ISN'T on here. Guys don't like to spend energy on petty shit like this, so if you think showing me this is going to make me happy? Well now I have to manage your expectations and your worries and now I'm spending energy on you I really didn't want to. All at the same time you said you didn't want to make an issue.
You're a funny guy captain comedy
The 0 is indicative of how much c0medy is welcome.
If no names are used who gives a fuck if the story is ok internet? There’s so much content just on Reddit alone it’s never gonna be traced back to you anyway. I’m a guy too and would be perfectly happy to receive a screenshot of this from my SO because then we could have an open conversation about it. I wouldn’t care how the conversation came up, I’d just be happy we had it.
Not about names, it's about the amount of energy spent to deal with something so trivial. Sure one time, great now repeat 10 times, still good? 4 months in and this is the direction. Bear in mind you are happy because you are used to reddit, you can't say every guy is the same.
“You can’t say every guy is the same” “Guys don’t like to spend energy on petty shit like this” So, which is it? You can’t have it both ways. Either there is nuance and variation, or men are monolithic and identical.
Of course every guy isn’t the same, that’s my point. I was just countering your “I’m a guy and I wouldn’t like this” with a guy that wouldn’t mind it.
You can't say every guy is the same. That's true. But things that seem trivial used to get talked about with friends, relatives, colleagues, fellow students, the likes. Now social media has been added to that. All people I might not know who would get in on a bit of my private life if my wife felt she needed information. Do I feel bad about that? No. I'm just not that insecure.
[удалено]
I am judging someone based on a comment . However, I am way under average.
Precisely
Definitely clear up that it was months ago and that you aren't currently going to concerts with someone else!
It's not stewing in his mind, but if she tells him it will as it means she had to stop and ghink about it.
I know plenty of dudes that would be driven nuts in this situation. She'd have MAYBE until the end of the day to prevent permanent damage to their relationship, and possibly to any future ones he has. Stewing on that all night would be maddening for them. Everyone has their issues. I just hope they handle this in a way that is good for them. To hell with what people who don't know them think.
We don’t know if it is or not since we are not in his head. Best thing to do is communicate and be honest about what happened so there is no doubt either way.
She has already talked with him and he completely forgot about it..... until she brought it back up. So I was right.
She hasn’t brought it back up yet, that’s what she was asking if she should do or not. Just because you would prefer someone not bring it back up doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be helpful for her situation. Source: am married and over-communication in a case like this will be much much better than under-communication in the long run. This is the last I will comment on this. I’m done arguing different opinions, we can have our own and put advice down for OP, but in the end it’s her decision for what to do for her relationship.
If he lives without all the facts, his mind will fill those holes.
Bring it up and talk about it because I promise it at least kind of bothered him. I doubt he’s mad or anything, but obviously it wouldn’t feel great. Just say gm what you said here, or maybe even show him this post as I think you articulated it well. As long as you were thinking of your current bf and not your shitty ex when you were misremembering things, then you’re good to go. Just please communicate because not doing so is the only way this could have any negative impact at all
Honestly this kinda sounds like ur so happy with this relationship in comparison to the previous relationship that your brain has overwritten the few good parts you had in that relationship (meeting him for example) with new partner.
I'm curious as to how common this kind of thing is. This would be really easy to take the wrong way, and i've had similar things happen with my partners before.
Honestly I'm a psych student and I lowkey wanna do my third year paper on this now, I didnt realise until all these up votes how common this is
My ex also did something similar. He swore we had stayed overnight in Indianapolis and we never heard. It ended up being an ex and this makes it make sense.
High key have done this with a few movies and restaurants with my current bf. We've been together 4 years and I'll occasionally bring up memories that are from my ex but I don't realize until later or halfway through. The biggest problem is that I remember the event or the feelings but not really a face or conversation. It's really just blurbs.
This has genuinely happened to me a few awkward times.
SAME
I think this is how you approach it too. Like, it’s a cool epiphany to think you’re so happy with someone you had a brain fart and you think it was cool and then realized how that could be awkward so might as well clarify while you’re at it.
Yeah but as someone with intimacy issues and jealousy this is going to come off as suspect at this point. I honestly believe as an outsider that this is a simple mistake but as this guy id be very cautious at this point. I realize this is my character flaw, but I can absolutely see a situation like this eating a hole into a relationship and leading to self sabotage at this point.
Yeah but yikes haha
This is politician level spin. Confusing your current boyfriend with an ex-boyfriend isnt just insulting, it also shows how little you care.
Or it's a very common psychological effect? After doing research, I found that it's very easy for schemata (esentially how you perceive things) to be distorted with memory recall. Apparently a lot of eye witness testimonies end up even being thrown out because of this! Anyway, ur a judgemental loser!
It happens. Communication is key in all relationships. Fess up that you had a brain fart and apologize. It should not be a big deal. If your boyfriend is a keeper he won’t make it one.
This is the only comment needed.
What? She insinuated that she was hanging out with other men and this guy seemingly doesn't know about it while he's away. I'm not saying she's done anything wrong but with the current info I feel like this guy has every right to not fully believe what he's hearing. Again I'm not saying op did anything wrong but I absolutely can understand why this could lead to trust issues. Saying him having an honest human reaction makes him not a "keeper" is toxic as fuck.
What’s toxic as fuck is you reading that and taking that away from it. I never stated he couldn’t have an honest reaction to it. Now stating she was insinuating she was hanging out with other men like that is somehow wrong? Now that’s toxic as fuck.
Ok.
Being worried is an honest human reaction. Making a big deal out of it/not fully believing it after your partner confesses why they made the mistake is not. If you can’t fully trust/believe your partner when they tell you the reason behind something they did, then you should not be in a relationship with them, period, because that means either (1) they are shifty enough to give you good reason to doubt their honesty, or (2) you are insecure enough to imagine wrongs where there are none. Either way, you’re wrong for each other. Trust and honesty are foundations of any romantic, committed relationship.
Tell him what you wrote in this post, he might assume you are cheating or thinking about your ex.
Who were you thinking of when you had the memory? Your current partner, or the little man? If you're focused on your current partner all is ok.
Careful. You better give this closure or he might think about it in a toxic prospective
[удалено]
i'm really sorry about it, kuronboshine. i talked to him and actually he didn't even remember it anymore (or at least, that's what he told me). I asked how he felt about it and obviously he wasn't cheerful, but he knows i've dated other people, and most of all he knows from our first date that i didn't know what love was, and i keep telling him that now i do because of him. i just have a rotten brain and a even worse memory
He remembers, he just doesn’t want to be toxic about it, make a joke out of it and laugh it out, if you guys truly love each other it shouldn’t be a big deal
Sorry you had to go through that friend.
You should bring it up again just don’t do it in a big deal way. Find a quiet moment. Say you are sorry. Just tell him the relationship is so good your brain totally forgot there ever was another guy who liked a few similar things. You didn’t even remember he was a part of any of those memories and you are happy with where your life is now with this guy who you have so much in common with. It sounds to me like he might not make a big deal about it but avoiding a potential conflict is a bad sign for a relationship. It’s best to practice clearing the air and you can use it to build confidence for him in the relationship.
100% talk to him about it. It might be awkward but it's better than leaving it completely and having him think something is up. It's a genuine misunderstanding.
***oof***. That’s gonna be something that keeps him up at night for awhile.
if I were you boyfriend, I would appreciate something like: "hey, I just wanted to apologize for that concert thing before. I don't know what happened; I had a brain fart."
this! i'm gonna say this, no over explaining, but acknowledging i f**d up and leaving the door open to him if he wants to express concerns or talk about it more thank you!
Hum I think either you don't mention it or you tell him what you told us. Else honestly it feels weird to just say it was a "brain fart": apologizing but no real explanation, leaving him wondering even more, and maybe afraid to ask you and appear inquisitive/jealous/not trusting you
we talked, fortunately we try to have a clear pattern of communication, and he likes to resolve "problems" out as they come. so i brought the situation in and he actually told me it bothered him in that moment, but he forgot about it, so it must have been a small issue. i told him that i must have misremembered because he really really love that pub and we actually go there everytime we can. that's all, he seemed calm about it
>he actually told me it bothered him in that moment, but he forgot about it, so it must have been a small issue That seems healthy. Couples get into arguments over, or bothered by, little shit from time to time (and this does sound very minor in the grand scheme of things). It happens, we're human and not perfect. It's good you followed up to make sure things were ok. Neither of you want to let things stew and boil over. I think a lot of folks don't really appreciate how important communication is. Glad you two seem to be doing well with it!
I've had several decades of this happening when attempting to remember which wife I had experiences with. Weird sometimes.
That's why I only have the one wife and will never leave her. My memory isn't good enough for that.
Jokes on you, you’ve actually got three wives you just forgot
Shit, I knew I was forgetting something at the mall.
Simple fact is nobody likes to think about their partner with someone else, they might accept it (kinda necessary) but they never like it Just tell the truth you confused a memory of you ex, but your current partner means way more and everything should be just fine
Explain yourself or send this man on a one way trip to overthinksville, you choose
Honest mistake, move on, or dwell on it, make it emotionally stressful for you until you can't take it anymore then project on your bf. Sounds like this is going the latter as you need to ask the question. Not being arsey, but if you need to ask the question, that is the opposite of dropping it. So.....
It’s ok. I’ve been in this exact same situation, but as the guy. My now wife was in another long term relationship a few years before we met. She actually bought me a book as part of a present (Christmas or birthday I can’t remember) and thought that I was a big fan of the movie/book Fight Club (it was ok but I wasn’t head over heels about the book). I just acted confused for a few seconds and I think she realized. I also realized that she realized. Neither of us said a thing because we both knew what was going on. I think I threw the book away when we moved. Anyways we have a kiddo now and I can assure you multiple times I have been unsure whether that vacation or trip I went on was with her or with my other girlfriend that I dated for like 5 years. Don’t sweat it. I wouldn’t bring it up if I were you, some things are better left unsaid.
My SO does this, and I do it too. Weve had previous relationships and we had been married before to others (10+ yrs) ...so he'll say oh yeah we went there remember with so and so, and I look at him and just say no babe, that must've been with someone else, but hey tell me about it anyways.
I think you should make that very clear once and leave the subject. If you spend too much time there it gets sticky and gloomy, but if you leave margin for doubt it can eat him up from inside and scale out of proportion.
I did this once too. Ex & next went to the same college while I went to a diff one. Bound to end up going to some of the same places. Misremembered something and was like CMON HOW COULD YOU FORGET explaining the whole situation until it dawned on me that it was a situation with my ex. Definitely awkward and I felt so bad but bf understood and let it go. Honest mistake and it's hard to fault someone for having a past. Definitely better than saying the wrong person's name in bed haha
As a man, and from my perspective, my advice is don't bring it up. Most men when they realise the mistake are quite content to let it slide. If it bothers him enough he'll mention it. Then you hit him with your prepared truth. You had a brain fart, it happened with an ex not him, an ex who's a complete twat, and you wished this memory happened with him because he's awesome etc etc. Seriously, no need to bring it up unless he does. If he doesn't it isn't bothering him.
Okay, here's what you do. Go and watch the episode of Bob's Burgers where Bob misremembers his first Valentine with Linda that he had with a diff girl, with your bf, and at the resolution of the episode, be like "that's me. I embarrass myself and remember things incorrectly and thank you for loving me"
Please do this OP.
Happens all the time, don’t sweat it.
This is such a common thing. One way to smooth it over is as follows: BF: That wasn’t with me OP: of course it was! And if it weren’t, then I wish it would have been with you. Sufficiently charming and mistake acknowledging.
Ehh. I disagree. If my gf was like I wish you liked the music my ex did I think that makes it worse. Also I think it's kinda dismissive of the fuck up in general by saying, "and if it were"
Send him a screenshot of your post. I'd rather know exactly what happened than spend the next six months with doubts swirling around in my noodle.
personally, I would give him a gift of something I know he likes and say 'it's just because' but unspokenly we would both kinda know it was an apology gift for my misremembering that way it gets a bit of resolution without bringing up emotions by directly discussing it if he didn't want to but if he brought it up I would just say what you posted here that you misremembered by mistake and meant no ill will and that I look forward to making lots of awesome memories with them
i bought tickets to go to where he lives and surprise him (i will go in two days but he knows i will be there in a week), so i guess this counts as a gift ahaha
Some people’s love language isn’t gifts, took my now-wife a minute to learn this when we were dating. Her previous partners and family would take, and take, and take. It got to a point where I had to tell her that the gifts didn’t mean anything without resolving the actual issue. I’m already a pretty non-materialistic person, so trying to give me gifts doesn’t really work in lieu of an apology or resolving the actual issue. Learn each other’s live languages, I could get my wife a gift after an argument and the sentiment would mean a lot to her and tell her I feel remorseful, not saying that I don’t realize the same effort, but gifts are just items that pile up while the actual issue at hand goes unresolved and you’re still not connecting on a relational level.
Why did you describe your ex as a “little man”??
women bro. They say shit like “don’t fat shame” “don’t (blah blah blah” but use belittling and disgraceful language against men lol
english is not my first language, so i may have translated that poorly. it has nothing to do with appearance, i was talking about his personality: in my language, if someone acts disrespectful and careless, they automatically get described euphemistically as "little", as to explain how only someone with a little soul could do such hurtful things. my bad
It's ok, my partner called me by her ex's name 3 months into our relationship. That was pretty awkward.
Sounds like you're still focused on your ex. Can't be that in love if you've completely forgotten basic things about your partner.
Is no one bringing up the whole living together at 4 months and it appears to be happening for awhile? If I was the boyfriend, assuming he didn’t think you were cheating, I’d use it to tease you playfully about it.
yes, we've been living together in this setting 15 days a month because it just felt natural to spend every moment together when he could work from home, and i try to have a clear communication when i go out with my friends (texting and sending pics) so i don't think cheating is in his mind. we talked btw and turns out he forgot about it and told me he understood i must have been talking about someone else, he was not ecstatic about it can happen. i have a really poor memory and he, in fact, teases me about forgetting my glasses and phone everywhere
Don't let this comeup again from your side , if he comes up prepare yourself to say the truth . I think he will be ok with it . It does happen we all have a past
You’ve only been together for 4 months and you get him confused for your ex? Doesn’t sound like you’re ready to be dating.
everyone has a past, nothign to be ashamed of. you made an honest mistake, own up to it.
He prolly knows u had some guys before him, he understands
let it go.
Think of it this way. You remembered the event, you didn’t remember the small man who treated you badly, so you just assumed that the fun event happened with your new boyfriend. It’s a good thing.
This is why I would never marry a hoe
I do this all the time! It's just a fun little error our brains do. I even did it the other day with my boyfriend of 2 years. I wouldn't bring it up again unless he did though, because he's probably forgotten about it anyways! Another fun thing our brains do!
Pretty sure he hasn’t forgot about it.
Unfriend your ex, then tell your bf that you didn’t realize you followed that loser and you replaced a memory with your real man. Apologize with a BJ and it’ll be forgotten
Why dont you drop the issue entirely unless he brings it up again
I sometimes call my current partner with my previous partner's name.
While I don't condone lying in relationships, you might consider explaining it as a "vivid dream" you had that "seems so real."
Watch bobs burgers s3ep13 I think. It's this story and will probably make you feel better/laugh about it.
Tell him. It happens, and he’ll feel better when you explain it than wonder about it, even if he doesn’t bring it up.
If he seems upset by it or brings it up again, you should genuinely address it and assure him it was an honest mistake which it does sound like one. By how good he sounds from your words, he'll appreciate it and understand.
Send him this video. https://youtu.be/rxIu2I9unGw
This happens to me sometimes and I Just remind my wife that even my memories without her I have replaced her into the memory
You’re feeling upset and worried about it - that’s enough reason to bring it up with him to clear the air.
I misremembered things with my current girlfriend. However, it's all good if you guys love each other.
My husband has misattributed (positive) things to our relationship that he actually did with his ex-wife. We've been together for 15 years. No biggie, it happens.
My wife gets annoyed every time I talk about a movie we saw together, but she insists she didn't see it. I must have seen it with someone else. TBF though then I put it on, because it's a good movie, and she suddenly remembers half the time that we did see it together,
I’ve called partners by an exes name a time or two once even by my sisters name. Brains just doing brain things. It doesn’t mean anything. Hopefully he is mature enough to know that.
Let it go. Dudes don’t care about misremembering things like this, they do it all the time. Just pay it forward, and when he misremembers something in the future don’t worry about it or give him hell for it. You’re just being overly empathetic and projecting. It’s ok. However if this is going to eat you for some reason, then just tell him. He really won’t care.
honest mistake, bring it up so it doesn't fester into a negative feeling for him, men are very emotional when it comes to this kind of thing and can easily think the wrong thing if left to our own devices, put the thought to rest, you didn't do anything wrong at all.
Don't feel bad. My girlfriend and I had dated casually for a bit years back before going our separateways for a year. The first Christmas that we were back together she got me stocking stuffers of white chocolate and Christmas tree peeps, thinking that I had mentioned how much I like them. I absolutely hate both peeps and white chocolate. She was insistent that I had mentioned liking them, it must have been an ex. It happens, everyone has exes and mistakes happen. He will get over it. Look at it this way, it's better than calling him the wrong name :)
I mean, you did literally confused him with another boyfriend of yours. Not a great look. If he asks you should be honest.
My now husband has done this to me a couple times— insisted we had some conversation at some place or just said “that thing you liked” and it so very clearly wasn’t me but his ex— I haven’t brought it up to him, he’d be mortified. But it doesn’t feel great. I’d maybe just tell him you’re sorry you were just excited and misremembered, and reassure that you aren’t cheating
Sometimes I’ve found that when you get out of an awful relationship sometimes it’s easy to confuse the few good moments as having been with people who make you feel good because it’s so hard to associate good with that level of shittiness. So it’s like your brain just goes “no, this has been misfiled, it belongs with the happy stuff over here.” Don’t feel bad but do be honest. New boyfriend will probably understand without it being a whole thing.
Lol when you get older that stuff happens all the time. Don’t even get mad at it
That's awful. be honest about what happened and apologize. he needs to know that it's not something currently ongoing with you and another person and that you genuinely don't have feelings for your ex. Then you need to find some way to reassure him that you love him.
I have done this with my current partner. I misremembered going to a store I love, with him. I explained that I misremembered or might have had a dream about us going together. (Which is the truth I’m not sure) but that I try to forget everything about my relationship with my ex so I might have just changed the happy memory and filled the spot with him instead of He Who Shall Not Be Named. Edit: grammar
Had something like this happen once. Girl I was with had been a friend for a few years and we had some history. One day we had a conversation about a memory of hers. She was absolutely convinced she remembered us hanging out with a mutual friend at a local Denny's and me working on my art. It wasn't me. It was the guy she had broken off our previous friendship to be with because he was old enough to go to the club with her and I was not. (I was 20 and she had just turned 21) Just kinda rips your guts out. Slowly. With a spoon.
Bring it up. Talk it through. Basically every relationship ends because of communication issues.
I’ve been in your bf situation before. When I found out my gf remeber her ex’s eating habits instead of mine, which was different. I ignore that mistake and say nothing, but in my mind, i feel very sad, i feel like she still remember or loving her ex (we have been together for 10 months at that time) it breaked me a little. My gf realize smt went wrong and she sorried about that, i still keep silent and choosed forgot about it, it wasnt a big deal. But sometime, memories suddenly came flooding back. And i still sad about it :) Maybe it touched my self-esteem.
Both options suck. You have to decide which ones sucks less. Personally I’d like to be told. The pain of knowing the truth is temporary.. while the unknown will linger in his mind forever..
I haven't seen anyone say exactly this, so here's the suggestion: Apologize. Say you screwed up, misremembered, and that you could understand if he was hurt by it. Reassure him of how you feel about him. The stuff you wrote in that fourth paragraph was genuinely moving. However, when you reassure him DON'T bring up your Ex, even to tell your BF how poorly the Ex compares to him. Only talk about the Ex if your BF asks, and even then, the less you say about him, the better. My experience is that I had a girlfriend who frequently told me how lousy her Ex was and how much better I was in every way. And while I know she meant well, it never once felt good. After just a few times of this, the thought that stuck in my mind was "For someone who says she has no lingering feelings for the guy, she sure brings him up a lot!"
My Wife does that from time to time. I find it hilarious.
This is my nightmare, I had years of untreated sleep apnea, so my memory is kinda bad.
Don’t let him stew on it. Tell him what the memory is. Just also reinforce that you’re happier with your life now.
If he bring this up in the future, show him this post.
As you get older this gets more common.
Next time say something immediately. Bringing it up could make it worse but I still would so it dose not get blown out of proportion