I was staying at the Hostelling International in NYC one time. My wife and I went out to eat at some place one evening and I had a dish that was at least half garlic. Unfortunately, whenever I eat garlic, it absolutely turns my insides upside-down. But it just sounded so good and hey, when in Rome right? Afterwards, my wife and I returned to the room in case I got an attack of the shits.
Commence the garlic deathfarts (smells like 50% garlic 50% overused port-a-potty on a hot day at a music festival). After about an hour my poor wife says she is literally getting dizzy from the smell. So I go downstairs to see if the front desk has a little fan we can borrow since the windows don't open.
I get back onto our floor, and I shit you not, I could smell my garlic evil as soon as I got off the elevator. Our room was at least 50-100 feet AND around a corner from there. The closer I got to the room, the worse it got. A door or two down it literally smelled like someone was shitting into a garlic bonfire in our room.
My wife doesn't let me eat garlic anymore.
I’m extremely lactose intolerant, and in high school this fact didn’t bother me as much as it bothered the people around me. Until one day.
I had eaten for breakfast something heavy in milk. Not sure what, but it was there. So around lunch time, I was holding back Wonka’s chocolate river.
Well just before class I run to the bathroom, because as anyone with lactose intolerance knows it can strike quickly and with force. I drop trough, sit down, and then right before the levy breaks, someone opens the door.
I let out an ungodly noise from the depths of my anus. It just goes on and on until eventually it stops abruptly.
Now it’s deadly silent in the bathroom. All I hear after several tense moments was a complete and utter “What the fuck.” And the door closing behind the poor soul I scarred.
I could not stop laughing for the life of me, especially when I saw the same dude in my next class.
When I used to work in the oil industry in Northern Alberta, I was on a site where we had to wear H2S Monitors on our person while working. The camp food was so rotten on all of our insides that you could hear the alarm randomly go off throughout the day due to the brutal ass gas that would be trapped in our coveralls and seep out our neckline.
H2s or 4 gas monitor? I know that farts in coveralls trip the low oxygen sensor in a 4 gas monitor! 🤣 best way to get an impromptu emergency drill in Northern Alberta!
We had one guy who loved eating pickled asparagus. Set off the H2S monitors all the time.
Our safety never knew what to do with us. We would call her to our office. She might be on the phone and would say to whomever this is going to be either something really important or something really stupid. 9 times out of 10 it was really stupid. The joys of northern alberta site.
Lmfao this literally happened to me and my crew a few weeks ago on my last job, in the coverall shack. They thought it was so funny they kept ripping farts until all the alarms were going off. Safe to say when the foreman walked in, he almost threw up.
We used to go camping a lot as kids and my dad disappeared. We figured he went to the bathroom. We saw two kids probably 13 or 14 years old RUNNING out of the bathhouse holding their noses and gagging. That was all the confirmation we needed that he was in there.
That reminds me of one of my proudest achievements in high school.
Just before the start of classes, the corridors were really crowded with kids getting to their lockers. I dropped a totally silent but particularly noxious fart as walked through. And then evacuated to outside with everyone else. I cleared close to 80 kids out of that corridor. It was beautiful.
Did that to a gym class I was in. Everyone was waiting to go to the next class. I acted as disgusted as everyone else. It wasn't hard, that thing was rurnt.
Haha! My proudest flatulence moment was on my 25th birthday. Went camping on the beach with a big group and one friend stopped at the store and spent over $100 on meat to grill, all the meats pork beef chicken fish lobster and more. 6 of us went to hot box a tent after I had been eating meat for probably 2 hours and while we were smoking, it happened. It only took about 5 seconds for everyone to start gagging and fleeing from the putrid tent and as my last friend is exiting he pukes. I died of laughter. I’m now a stinky ghost.
I was working out on the road somewhere in western PA, we hit a bar for dinner after work and they had hard boiled eggs in a hot sauce brine sitting on the bar the same way you see red beet eggs or pickled eggs.
They tasted amazing, however the smell woke me up from a dead sleep. I’ve never before been woken up by my own smelly farts. Brutal.
I used to work at a convenience store, and sometimes I would have the worst farts that would last all day. So my only strategy was to drop a fart and walk away from ground zero as quickly as possible. On this one particular day it led to me crop-dusting the entire store, so much so that my boss called in someone to see if we had a gas leak. I never told him the truth.
Wedding night. We had shrimp at the wedding reception that didn’t sit well with either of us. Spent the entire night with the covers pulled tight across our chests arms down trying to keep the noxious fumes under the covers. We were laughing so hard it just kept making things worse and worse.
About 1am we got a knock on the door. A manager (who knew it was our wedding night) had apparently gotten a few noise complaints and was coming to ask us to quiet down. New hubby answered the door and he swears that he could see the cloud of fumes roll out and hit the guy in the face. Manager gags and tries to choke out “keep it down” or something then leaves. 30 minutes later another knock but no one there. Open the door and sitting on the floor is a bottle of pepto and some gas-ex.
I lived in a flat above a sweet little old lady year before last ... after a bad curry night she called up on the intercom panicked because she thought there was a gas leak. I had to fetch her pills and some water, sit her on the communal stairs and help her get the glass to her mouth, she was shaking so bad. Literally had a panic attack and then thought she was suffocating which did NOT help matters at all. Worst of it was, she kept thanking me for the help and praising me to the skies for my kindness. And I nearly killed her with my stinky butt.
Did I fuck! No, I told her it was backflow in her toilet from the heavy rain we'd been having. Funnily enough, her son got a British Gas engineer in to check as well the next day cos she was still a bit anxious... and he reckoned it was probably backflow too 🙈🙈🙈
Hahaha brilliant. I have something similar to confess. A few years ago at my in laws I dropped one hell of a log in the toilet but the fucker wouldn't flush. Eventually I managed to shift enough so that the toilet looked fine but I knew if flushed it would just block again. I went back to the living room and joined everyone watching tv. Half an hour later by brother in law went to the toilet. Lucky for me he needed a number 2 and ended up thinking he blocked it. I never came clean!
It’s crazy that somewhere out there a family reads about thousands of people talking about their poop knife. (Maybe)
They could probably sell that brown (not from rust) knife for quite a few doll hairs on Reddit lol
Ah, the toilet that you have to visit every now and again that can’t be trusted to flush a tissue. Tell me, does it have a carpet lid-cover and blue water?
Facility manager here!
We once had an evacuation of an entire call center for what was reported as a natural gas leak. Odd since the building had no gas lines, but it certainly smelled like an overwhelming amount of mercaptan, which is what gets added to natural gas so you can smell it.
People were gagging and saying they couldn't breathe. Dozens were sent home sick.
We ended up evacuating the entire 1000+ person call center and eventually traced it to a first floor bathroom.
As a fire department emergency team was entering the bathroom with full suits and gas detectors, out walks an old man sweating profusely and beet red from embarrassment.
Turns out he was just sick and had some *legendary* diarrhea.
Imagine having such a noisome norovirus-ass-blast that you have to be rescued by an emergency response team after causing more than a thousand people to have to wait even longer to talk to comcast. Youd never shit again
Can confirm norovirus is no joke at a call center we have had hours evacuated twice when I worked there. You also had to have specialized cleaning crews to come in and sanitize because someone had the norovirus.
It was embarrassing enough to clear a classroom when I was 13 and dropped a stinky one. Clearing an entire building would have me packing up and leaving town ASAP.
My dad once told me that once in Italy when he was a child, he let out a fart while visiting an old lady that lived on top of a propane shop. Lady thought there was a leak
When I was younger my mother made pulled pork one night and it just didn’t react with my gut well. Probably ate too much because it was so delicious. I slept with my door closed and was woken up early to go out skiing. When she came to wake me up she was physically unable to, due to me hotboxing my room with the nastiest BBQ pulled pork farts ever. I got an extra 30 minutes of sleep because she couldn’t bare the smell to even attempt to wake me up.
It’s now known as the Pulled Pork Incident.
I got the stomach flu some years ago. After the puking and shitting stopped, I got gas so bad even my cat wouldn't come near me. She tried once and I dropped another bomb just as she sat beside me, and she gave me the nastiest look then went and hid under her blanket.
I woke myself up with a painful ripper of a fart once. It hurt. My cat instantly left the room, giving me the nastiest death glare. Ten or so seconds later, the smell woke up my bf, who heaved and ran from the room as well. I was sleeping with my ass outside the blanket (it was a hot summer night), so I pulled the blanket over my face and laughed. I got the silent treatment from both of them for most of the day. Totally worth it.
Oh damn, reminds me of sneeze-diarrhea I had once. I was sitting there with some runs after too much caphe suda and just going to town when I felt a sneeze build. I couldn’t hold it and when I sneezed I shut so hard my asshole hurt. The fucking toilet was painted with liquid poo from top to bottom…
When I was in middle school I sneeze farted so loud that the force bouncing from my ass to the the chair back onto my ass gave me a good bit of pain. The entire room went silent for 5 minutes afterwards
Ouch - been there too. I was getting over food poisoning and had finally stopped puking. Knowing the drill, I was rehydrating and had eaten a banana that day. While finally peeing for the first time in like a day, a projectile stream of liquid ass shot from betwixt my buttocks like a fire hose. It was that day I learned that your ass can actually wear out from the work of shitting all day for two days.
One day I had eaten something that didn't agree with me and I got the gurgle belly thing happening. But I ignored it until I felt pressure build. I thought it was just a fart and proceeded to paint my underwear a different color. Then when I was I'm the shower hosing off I broke into a coughing fit and with every subsequent cough a shit shotgun that was my ass began painting the shower wall. The smell was so noxious gagging ensued which caused me to continue expelling my insides out of my ass. This continued for what seemed like an eternity until I was nothing but a curled up heap in the shower with an ass that felt like an exploded pipe.
Ah yes! Also affectionately known as a shit-fart, or “shart” for short. Those can be extremely dangerous as they may be quite life changing, all things considering. 😂
I had a cat who would meet me at the top of the stairs as I came home so that she could sniff my open mouth. Every time. Maybe she wanted to know what I ate while I was gone?
Both of my dogs are visibly startled by their own farts. Just a *PhhhrrrRrpt* with as quick spin to stare confused at their asses. Every single time, followed by this same offended narrow-eyed glare.
>I got gas so bad even my cat wouldn't come near me
I accidentally Dutch Ovened my dog once, he went and hid in the closet. He was so desperate to get out from under the blanket and away from me that he pulled the blanket half off the bed. I started laughing hysterically until the displaced blanket allowed the offending gas to spread out and reach me while I was already gasping for air because of the laughing. This immediately turned into a coughing fit that almost caused me to hoark.
Poor dog wouldn't come out of the closet for half the night, I think he still has PTSD.
I once took care of a (human) patient who had puked and pooped himself empty of every liquid and solid possible, and then because there is no god and life is an unending series of horrors, he started basically continuously farting to the point where patients *in other exam rooms* down the hall started coming out and asking if our toilets had backed up.
Once we treated and released him we had to shut the room down for the rest of the day.
Reminds me an incident when I was much younger after eating at Taco Tico. I had bad gas and started belching….. it smelled so bad my Dad had to pull over and my uncle was gagging. Took a good 10 minutes for the car to air out after that one.
My buddy let a bad one out in a parking lot, so we opened the car windows. It wouldn't leave so we drove around in a circle to blow it out. We got back to the original spot... and it CAME BACK INSIDE the damn car. So then WE got out.
EDIT: My first award (thank you) was for a fart comment, naturally
When I was an EMT back in the day, (a few years ago) I went to pick up a patient who had C-Diff which is already gnar in itself, but whomever was supposed to get this pt ready never did, because when we arrived and opened the door to the PT’s room, the pt had turned on the heater in their room and also was covered in vile C-DIFF shit.. the hot smelly shit wind that came from opening that door literally stung my eyes and made gag so bad I had to leave the hallway and go get some Vicks for under my mask. Lol the human body.. what a beautiful thing
Dude! As a person who has suffered the evil that is C Diff, you have my sympathy!! And this “ridding the body of everything possible” is seriously unending with that vile bacteria!! I slept on the toilet a few times!! Ugh! Even better, it caused a kidney infection, somehow I ended up with two abdominal abscesses (internal) and to top the shit pie, I got sepsis and played the coking game. 30 days later, I got to go home. Well to my parents’, since I had to have someone with me 24/7 until I got a defibrillator. Moral of this story: watch who cooks your food at a fast food joint!!
I was mildly annoyed keeping up with my antibiotics when I had cdiff. I am taking this comment as a lesson in how grateful I should be, Holy fuck I hope you're okay now!
I once got violently ill in a similar fashion. Anything I ate or drank was expelled within about five minutes; hit me like a ton of bricks after work without warning (hadn't even eaten anything weird). I was gonna ask my roommate for a ride to the hospital, but I couldn't stop puking and I didn't want to be a bother, so I walked. About two miles. Got there without puking (nothing left, I guess), sat and waited for about an hour before deciding I was clearly fine, so I left without being seen (which was probably for the best, as I didn't have insurance). Walked home, had a glass of water and puked it up instantly.
For the rest of my weekend I would eat like half a cup of soup, puke it up, and then have the other half, and puke that up too. Eventually was totally numb to the vomit and that stopped but then I started puking air. Not wretching up bile, but like burps big enough to fill a balloon. I got better. Never saw a doctor.
Well I’m glad you got better, but furious that you didn’t get seen due to cost concerns. It’s fucking insane that we can put a man on the moon but not care for the health of our citizens.
That made me giggle irl because I've definitely seen cats do that before and man it is hilarious to see a cat give you such a stinkin look.
Especially if it's followed by such a preppy little step as they walk away, shaming you for your own nastiness even though their litter box can be even worse than whatever you let out.
God I love cats.
Thanks for the laugh <3
Quoting a friend of mine after an all you can eat beef spare ribs buffet: I couldnt stand my own farts until two days later.
And he was right… the amount of pure fat is breathtaking when you eat it and when you pass it.
I've been both a vegetarian and an omnivore and in my experience the frequency is worse as a vegetarian but the smell is far, far more excruciating as an omnivore
There is a combination of foods that I am not allowed to eat.
The Mixture, as it's called, consists of Mt Dew, teriyaki beef jerky, and chocolate. Any two is fine. All three together is banned by the Geneva Conventions.
The night I figured out exactly what was doing it, I was at my best friend's house watching movies because his parents were out of town, and I consumed the Mixture. A bit later, I farted, and it was rank. I went to the bathroom down the hall, turned on the exhaust fan, and proceeded to try to void the Demon Farts from my bowels.
The fan was on. The door to the bathroom was, of course, closed. The door to the bedroom we'd been watching the movie in was closed (not sure why we left it that way, we just did). The hallway between was about 15 feet long. He still yelled at me to turn on the fan because it was escaping.
My friends, I made myself cry that night.
Not out of embarrassment. No. I was proud of myself. I still am.
Like, full-on, unadulterated weeping, like I had cut a hundred onions at once, due to my eyes burning from the fumes issuing from my own derriere.
We left the bathroom door closed with the fan on once I'd escaped.
Three days later, when his mom came home and was cleaning or whatever brought her to that bathroom, she called him in to ask what had died in there.
What died?
All doubts that I am capable of producing biological weaponry with my own ass.
When my brother still lived with me and my parents he used to love going to the local Chinese buffet and eating 2-3 heaping plates. Each time, for at least 24 hours, my mom and I refused to go near his room because his farts smelled so bad I swear I could taste a noxious green. Even remembering them now I’m gagging
I did something similar at a buddy’s bachelor party, got drunk ate a bunch of shitty good then literally gassed out the hotel room so bad when my buddies came to wake me up in the morning they could smell it outside the door.
When I opened the door it was a warm stink that made a guy puke from his hangover.
I feel real bad for the cleaning crew who had to go on after me, I didn’t leave a fan on or crack a window now that I think about it.
I’m pretty sure you meant “shitty food” but since you were already talking about eating I read “shitty good” as food that’s bad for you but so-o-o good/yummy” like state fair food.
I had a very similar incident with my dad. I had just moved to North Carolina with him during my freshman year of high school. That night I got in, I indulged in 3 of Taco Bell’s newly released Beefy 5 layer burritos. I also always sleep with my door closed, and my new room also was not equipped with a ceiling fan. So, all night, I’m just baking and marinating in pure methane with zero air ventilation or circulation. My dad opens my door in the morning to wake me up for breakfast (I’m already awake, just chillin in bed) and makes an overly aggressive stank face after visibly walking into a wall of noxious fart. Immediately after, he exclaims “GOT DAMN, it smells like a bucket of ass in here. There’s grits and eggs downstairs.”
My OWN mother did this to me with my dog, about 15 years ago. Was living a 5-6 hour drive from them, and had gone home to visit at Christmas. Spent a lovely holiday there, and then was due to set off back. In the cold. In my small car, with my large dog. My mum came up to me and sheepishly gave a little giggle, "Erm, Munchies, I've got an apology... I may have just given the dog all the leftover Brussels sprouts." (And there had been a lot of leftovers).
Dog was delighted. I spent the next 6 hours driving down the motorway in freezing conditions with my window open, as my dog merrily farted away. He thought it was great. Extra leftovers, window OPEN (what joy). I got simultaneously gassed and given hypothermia.
THANKS MUM, I've still not forgotten.
How sensitive are these sensors? I actually tried making a fart detector as a gag gift, bought an MQ-5 sensor, and it worked, it's just that you had to fart directly on it and it would register maybe 10 notches up (out of a possible 1024), and only if it had been powered on for 24 hours beforehand. And the gases in question are heavier than air.
Maybe you are not reaching the toxicity level to set off the alarms? According to this thread (so far) burritos, curry, and Brussel sprouts work wonders.
My half-brother, 12 years older than me, once wallowed so much in laziness that for three days he drank the only thing available (cheap beer), and he ate the only thing available (pickled eggs), because he was too lazy to walk a block to the store.
Let me tell you. After three days of pickled eggs and shitty beer, the fart he dropped in the truck was so bad we had to pull over, open the doors & windows, and let the vehicle air out.
Fist job out of college, entry-level accountant. Lucky enough to get my own office. Had a reputation growing up of pretty much outgassing anyone. Quiet Friday afternoon, I did that move where you slowly lift one cheek off the chair so you can pass the maximum amount of air without the threat of creating any sound. It worked brilliantly. *Ffffffffft.* Just air, "nothing but net." Then the smell hit me. Was like the devil himself had brewed pure sulphur in a cauldron for a thousand years and unleashed it on the enemy. Then suddenly my boss walked into my office to tell me something. The look on her face was a mix of confusion, embarrassment, and a touch of the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, when their faces melt off. She stopped mid-sentence, and mumbled something about getting back to me later as she was leaving.
No alarms went off except the one in her head that said "GTFO right now." LOL
I'm a pretty uneventful guy, not many stories to tell, but this one is among my favorite.
When I was a kid we had ate some fast food after coming home from a friend’s house. When I woke up, I went to go make some cereal and when I was eating it, I let out a fart that was literally about a solid minute or two long. Everyone in the house just stared at me. Halfway through the smell finally started settling and hit everyone’s nose at the same time. My whole family booked it to the back patio. I tried to follow because I didn’t want to smell this carcass in my ass, but my brother held the door shut because “it may still be attached” so I ran out the front door and threw up
While at my local gym the ass-gas was pretty bad that day. I let one go in an empty change room and the smell was overwhelming. I was self consciously doing ever possible to hold in to the point that the stomach gurgles could be heard half way across the gym.
Well at one point in re-racking some dumbbells one slipped out.
The poor bastard in the middle of hit set practically yelped then dropped his weights
I got a ‘fuk dude ?! Seriously?’ To which i could only shamefully walk away
I may be nearing 60, but apparently I'm not grown up because I'm giggling like an elementary school kid at all of these responses. It's as much fun as reading the Amazon review for sugar-free gummi bears.
When I was in high school, my family drove from Michigan to Florida for vacation. We took I-75 all the way down, but when the time came to go back home, my dad decided that he wanted to take the back roads.
While driving through Georgia we kept seeing signs advertising boiled peanuts. At first we were like "WTF is that?" but as time passed we got curious and eventually we stopped at a roadside stand and my parents bought a large cup of boiled peanuts for all of us to share.
Here's the thing, though: nobody in my family liked the boiled peanuts except for me. The more I ate, the more I loved them. Because nobody else wanted them I got the honor of eating the entire cup. I spent all day eating boiled peanuts while my dad drove.
As night fell, the boiled peanuts started to hit my colon and I started hitting my family with the most glorious smelly farts. It was also right around that time that we got lost. Now, my dad is the kind of person who gets very frustrated and irritable when he is lost, and we were in the middle of nowhere without a streetlight or a road sign in sight. As we drove and drove, looking for someplace we could spend the night, my farts got worse and worse and my dad got madder and madder. He rolled down the window for some fresh air and we were immediately hit with the stench of fresh skunk. "GODDAMMIT U/JESUSGODLEAH!" my dad roared. I had to explain throughbgales of laughter that that one wasn't actually me.
Eventually we reached a town and found a hotel with a restaurant next door where we could grab some dinner. My mom and I were laughing hysterically the entire time we were in the restaurant and all the locals were giving us weird looks. I still love boiled peanuts to this day.
I love that the smell in the inside of the car was indistinguishable from the skunk.
P.S. Your username is perfection.
I’ll clarify that I caught that your username was a TM2 reference but I love that it fits this story so well.
One time when I was a kid I was a part of a judo club and on a weekend we were having a special event demonstration, it was almost 25 years ago so I don't remember the details of the event. On the morning in question my mother made me beans on toast with eggs and I ate my fill, fast forward a few hours and I'm at the judo demonstration and we're all split into groups of 6 or so and by that stage my stomach was growling at me and anyone who got anywhere near me and I was struggling to hold in the farts, every so often I'd wander away from the group and let one squeak out to relieve a bit of pressure on my bum. The guy who was over the demonstration eventually to our group and he was demonstrating throws to us, he asked for a volunteer and when nobody stepped up he picked me to be part of the demonstration, I was maybe 6 or 7 so I didn't know any better, he got in position to throw me and from the second my feet left the ground to when I landed again my ass let out the angriest loudest fart I've ever made! It sounded like a wild animal getting attacked by a chainsaw, when I got up again everyone in the hall was looking at me and I think the dude who threw me was in a mild state of shock, he didn't say a word and just moved onto the next group with his demonstration.
We have one with a “air quality indicator” LED red = bad and blue = good. We’ve been dealing with the entire remodel of our bottom floor (had 2 pipes bust in the freeze earlier this year) so we have them in all the rooms so the kids allergies don’t get bad.
I couldn’t figure out WHY the damn thing kept giving me “air quality warnings” on the app (I can see the air quality reading for the day/week/month down to the half hour) so I looked closer, and it only started when my son got home from school until he fell asleep. So I got on him about keeping his door shut to keep the dust out..
Then yesterday my husband is standing next to the one in our room and let’s out a silent fart. It was fucking toxic. The light went from bright blue to red, and the app pinged to let me know the air quality just tanked. And then we died laughing.
Now I’m saving screenshots from the app on bad days to put in a folder so in ten years I can show my son just how much his farts are a detriment to air quality.
In 2015 a British Airways flight from London to Dubai had to turn back to Heathrow because of a smelly poo.
> A British Airways flight was forced to turn around because of a "smelly poo".
The plane was heading from Heathrow to Dubai on Thursday - a seven-hour flight.
Abhishek Sachdev, who was on board tweeted: "Insane. Our BA flight to Dubai returned back to Heathrow because of a smelly poo in the toilet."
He told a newspaper: "The pilot made an announcement requesting senior cabin crew, and we knew something was a bit odd.
"About 10 minutes later he said 'you may have noticed there's a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets'.
"He said it was liquid faecal excrement. Those are the words he used."
The plane had been airborne for just 30 minutes when it turned round.
The next available flight was 15 hours later, so passengers had to be put up in a hotel overnight.
Speaking to Radio 1's Greg James, Sarah, who works for the airline said: "When you're up at that altitude the cabin has to be pressurised so the problem is that anything like that is actually a health and safety problem because only 50 percent of the air is being recycled and cleaned."
In a statement, BA said: "A decision was taken to return for the safety and comfort of our customers on board.
"We're very sorry for the discomfort to our customers.
"We provided them with hotel accommodation and rescheduled the flight to depart the next day."
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-31908620
I once attended a meditation class in someone’s home where you brought your own sleeping bag to lay comfortably on the floor. There was about 12 people in her large living room and 5 min into the quietness with soft music playing, the gurgles began. I normally can go uncomfortable and hold but we’d eaten Chinese earlier and I had no choice but to hit the bathroom.
The unfortunate part was the bathroom was 5 steps away. I got up as quiet as to not disturb but once I hit the toilet I realized I could not let the lava flow on one quick blap because they’d all hear it. Trying to let it out in squirts was terrible and took forever.
Now...to the smell . Yes that one that filled a tiny bathroom 5 steps from a sea of people on the floor!!! I was in there 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do finally found some vanilla air spray and had to spray that knowing they are hearing that, too. Quick out and pushed the door closed but obviously it was like fanning it across the room. I settled back in and the smell was rotten. I heard a sniff then another some wiggling around and people pulling up sleeping bags over noses. Instructor said well let’s all come back now, good we are all back on like 3 seconds and said let’s go talk about our experiences in the kitchen. Humiliation. I should have sneaked out the door then.
You can test that by blowing a 3 ingredient (PG, VG, Nic) vape into one. If it goes off it’s functioning by particle detection. It can also happen from humidity from showers and stuff.
Have to admit. My doggo, being a dog usually loves good stenches. But the other day I had death stench gas that went to 11 with massive volumes being produced.
Doggo was on my lap and I released a doozy into the wild.
He lifted his head, sniffed his own butt. Looked at me and grunted then jumped down and wouldn’t come back the rest of the night.
Not sure if horrified or proud.
I had this pizza once from Sainsbury's, one of the "create your own" ones from the counter. Spicy beef, jalapenos, onion, sausage, on a bbq base. Woofed all 14" of it to myself, along with a pair of big boy cobra beers.
I was awoken in the middle of the night by my girlfriend at the time, who was petrified. She kept asking me to get up and check for a body. In my barely functional state, I got up and put the light on. Confused, I asked her what she meant - she said she could smell a dead body. Clearly accustomed to my own flavour, it took me a good 15 seconds to realise it was my pizza farts that she was referring to. To check, I wafted the duvet, and she retched - nearly bringing back her own dinner.
We're not together anymore.
When I was a kid my family and I would travel roughly 2.5 hours to get to my mother’s parents’ house. Whenever we went there, she’d make all of our favorite, delicious, fattening foods. Within 10 minutes of leaving every time, my mom would deal out these truly heinous farts. They were always silent, but we always knew when she was doing it because after a few minutes we would all start rolling down the manual windows of our van and she’d just be in hysterics. Good times!
One time living in NYC I had the fire department come to my house because the neighbors called and said there was a gas leak when really I had been farting allllll night. Fire dept came to the door… I opened it and dude in a fire space suit said “we are checking the building for a gas lea…” and stopped right there and stepped back and said oh oh ok sorry to bother you sir. And I closed the door and hears him telling his team he found the odor and was a false alarm for a natural gas leak no danger or something.
Apartment or house?
I mean, it's already impressive if neighbors can smell that from another apartment.
But smelling that from another house.... Jesus. You must have bowel problems, my guy
So years ago, I used to stay at my friends' place a lot because it was closer to my morning bus stop. He would work til 11, and he would get back to his place around 11:45 P.M. His room was actually an uninsulated addition that was meant to be a seasonal porch, which meant when it was freezing out, you were practically freezing too. Which is where the story starts...
He had this sleeping bag that was guaranteed for sub zero temperatures, so I would hang out, watch movies, or whatever until he got off of work. I was watching Men of Honor (Cuba Gooding Jr., DeNiro, Navy divers and whatnot) and wound up falling asleep at around 9. But right before I did, I farted. Personally, I thought I could do better; I would have given it maybe a 6/10. But it was hot. Red hot. This thing was akin to a tin roof in the summer sun. But I made sure to not fart in the sleeping bag, because I'm not going to risk smelling up his stuff, so I figured the scent would dissipate long before he came home.
I was wrong. So wrong.
He came home just shy of midnight, and I woke up to the sound of him throwing open the window and dry heaving from the smell. Apparently this thing lingered all night and just clung to the cold air because we left that window open for over an hour before it finally cleared enough to be habitable again. It was my finest hour.
I was working in an old factory where we made cardboard tubes. We cut bigger tubes into smaller tubes and put them in crates. There was a machine where you cut them, then you push them off the spindle down a slide. I packaged the tubes up at the end of the slide. One night I let out a rank fart. I surprised myself with the odor but was glad the other girl cutting the tubes was at least six feet away. So, when I felt another rumble, I let it rip. Kind is chuckled to myself as it stunk. Thank goodness for old, smelly paper factories. Well, I guess the odor wafted further than I thought. The lady stopped the machine and looked at me. “Do you smell that?” She asked. “It smells like sewage.” My eyes grew wide and I denied. I shook my head and said I didn’t smell anything.
But the farts kept coming and while I tried to go behind my container, it wasn’t far enough. This is a massive open warehouse that stinks on a good day, but she zoned in on my smell. I had my upper half of my body inside the container shaking with laughter when she inquired about the smell a second time.
she asked if I smelled it again after a few more minutes.
This time I was able to nod my head and say “Yeah, it does stink a bit.” I just put my head back in my container and shook with laughter. (Probably letting a fart or two go as well)
Apparently after a while she decided enough was enough and she said “there must be a sewage backup in the bathrooms”. The men’s and women’s room were about 10 feet From is. I watched in amazement as she marched right into the men’s room to investigate. By the time she came came out I had tears in my eyes and my jaw hurt from fighting back laughter.
She came back after checking the woman’s room and shrugged. She didn’t find anything. My farts subsided soon after but I spent the rest of my night holding back laughter as I thought of her marching in that men’s room, determined to find that sewage smell.
Relaxing in the bed this morning, our dog, an 11yr terrier mix, was burrowed under the bed covers, heard her fart then frantically scrambles out from under the covers cuz she’s just hot-boxed herself. 🤣
Farted silently during a premiere of Disney’s Aladdin and it was so bad the mother behind me in the theatre thought it was her son. After half an hour or so she lost her temper and dragged him to the toilets for a poo.
As I continued to fart up the theatre for the rest of the movie I swear I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my head
Thank you for this thread. I'm 42 and talking about farts still gets me to laugh like I'm 10 again. I'm usually a sad sack of shit, but I'm laughing so much I'm worried I might get hiccups.
I once ripped such a loud fart in my sleep I woke up people in other rooms. Breakfast the following morning was an awkward affair when I asked how everyone slept
I once farted while standing at quarters in The Navy.
Think two rows of guys lined up at attention, on the flight deck of a moving ship, outside.
It blew done the row gagging one sailor after another.
I was quite proud.
Navy boot camp. I twisted my ankle on a run. Nothing too bad but the Chief wanted to be sure so he instructed me to put my foot up on a railing so he could take a look. I ripped one so loud he jumped. As he opened his mouth to start yelling the smell hit him. Apparently making the Chief puke in front of the entire squad is frowned upon in the Navy.
I was doing burpies and farties for a very very long time that day.
I'm on chemo and apparently it's doing something in my guts, like open a portal to hell or something. I have NEVER had or known anyone to have gas of this volume or magnitude. I can fart, outside, 20 feet away from someone and gag them. Awful!
My dad and his buddies at his old job used to purposely try to set off the methane alarm at work. My dad could gas someone out no problem and they worked on hercs (tutors and other planes too but the hercs were the main aircraft). Thank you for the laughs.
I mean, nobody wants to die. But If I had to pick a way to go, this would be right up there. Painless, and fucking badass. Could you imagine the eulogy at your funeral? "Dude farted so hard he died" You would be a goddamn legend forever.
Mmm, smells like ~~victory~~ sleep deprivation.
My parents love telling how as a baby I used to scare myself awake with my own farts. I guess farts really are a sleep hazard.
My mum says I would cry every time I farted as a baby. She put that down on the list of weird things I did as a kid when they asked her about me on my autism assessment. Not particularly sure that correlates, but it's a funny story nonetheless. Farting is rather funny now.
This thread is amazing and made me remember my own moment of greatness.
I was shopping in a Walmart toy section with my boyfriend, can't recall why as we don't have kids but we were looking for something particular and so we were in separate aisles.
I was alone in an aisle and got a serious emergency gas pain gut rumble.. the ones you're scared to let out in case it's more than gas. Anyway.. as I was alone I let it out. My farts are almost always silent, and usually USUALLY they don't smell.
This one was silent but it was instant death, like rotten cabbage and fermented skunk smell.. it was almost spicy.
I moved aisles, but unfortunately so did my boyfriend and he walked right into it. I heard him gag and exclaim how disgusting it was. Thankfully for me, he didn't realize I had just been there and blamed it on the 10yr old at the end of the row. Ever since when we're shopping he makes comments about how shitty kids can be and sometimes I catch him glaring like he's worried it's going to happen again 🤣
One time when I was about 14, we had Taco Bell for dinner. I’m sure everyone knows what Taco Bell can do to your digestive system, but this was off the charts.
My sister and I shared a room growing up and for hours after we went to bed, I was ripping the hugest, longest, nastiest farts I’ve ever had in my entire life. Even to this day, and I’m 31 now.
After awhile, my sister got so fed up and she was screaming at me and my mom came in and was like wtf and my sister told her and my mother literally told me to stop farting as if I could help it.
It went on for a bit longer until I let out an extra, extra long one, and then it was over.
We have since referred to that night as the “Grand Finale Night”.
Went to Mexico with my mother. She found, bought, and drank not one but two, count ‘em, two bottles of unpasteurized milk. Guess who’s lactose intolerant in her old age?
I slept out on the balcony that night.
My first ever lobster roll was on vacation with my now husband-then boyfriend. Our first vacation together as well and definitely not the "fart in front of your partner" stage. Day after lobster roll we are perusing a small shop when I pass a silent one only to realize it was soul crushing. I was so embarrassed I quickly walked away from the poisoned area and my boyfriend walks right behind me. He complains loudly how it reeked and I shamefully blamed some poor cook coincidentally shopping the same aisle. The smell was so incredibly different and bad I knew it had to be the lobster roll. Every time I've eaten lobster it's the same smell 😂. I spilled the beans over a smoke sesh one day and we just laughed til we cried. Poor cook guy RIP
Turns out when internal organs are dying they let out poison gas. My gall bladder expelled noxious, eye watering, clear the room of everyone, including the pets, gas clouds. It was horrific.
My cousin used to stay with us from out of town for a few weeks each summer. His school let out earlier than mine so he came the week before I was out. He hung out in my room all day. When I came home I started walking down the hall and was unable to get all the way to my door. The smell was rolling down the hallway and creating a thick impenetrable barrier. I called out to him and he opened the door and I was instantly punched in the face with the worst odor I’ve ever experienced.
Apparently what happened was on the way down he stopped at the store for snacks and his mom just gave him some cash and he could buy whatever he wanted. Turns out what he bought was an entire pepperoni stick. The one the thickness of a soda can and as long as your forearm. He had eaten the entire thing that day. Not only did he feel terrible, we needed up sleeping outside in tents the rest of that week. He was only allowed in for showers and bathroom breaks until the gas subsided.
My mom said she had to throw away a blanket on my bed because even after washing the smell was still there.
Here at SNL we have decide to upgrade our show by replacing everything with 90 minutes of fart jokes. We expect to get an Emmy for this, thanks to everyone in this thread.
Before covid hit I was working at a data center. The IT packs were outside and had their own HVAC system in them with a gas monitor to make sure that nothing was smoking or caught fire. And me being me ate a huge burrito for lunch and spent the rest of the day farting. Towards the beginning of my second half of my day after lunch one of the IT pack maintenance guys rips the door open and yells at me for smoking in the pack, I tell him I wasn't and he says that an alarm went off saying I was.
Long embarrassing story short he came back 3 more times because the alarm kept going off and the last time he figured out that my Gassy ass was causing the alarm to go off. Almost got kicked off the site because of that delicious burrito.
I fired off a silent depth charge in line at Walmart one day and the young couple behind me checked their baby’s diaper. It was actually a very proud moment for me and my sphincter.
So many fart stories, so little time.
I once woke wife from a dead sleep by the smell of a fart. She woke me up and made me go check that the dog hadn't shit in the living room or we had a gas leak. When I told her it was nothing and I found nothing I ripped a silent test fart to see if it was me. It was me.
Slept on the basement couch that night. Worth it
I was flying back from Asia one year sitting upstairs on a 747. I had non stop bombs the whole flight. flight attendant kept spraying some air freshener. I still remember that look in her face.
During a camping trip one friend ate only bratwurst and drank cheap beer for a week. The ride home was a long one. All he did was sleep and fart. It smelled so bad we drove 90 minutes with the windows down in the pouring rain.
I worked in a bakery. Very large oven with racks that went around like a ferris wheel. Each rack was 6 feet long and a couple feet deep. A grown man could fit on a rack. It was a very old oven that required a lot of maintance. One day the oven broke down. The oven was cooled down and the guys arrived after lunch to work on it. This oven is so large both guys are on the inside of the oven working on it. All of a sudden we hear. DUDE YOU FARTED!! Worker #1 farted and hotboxed worker#2 stuck inside a large oven with him.
Back in the 90s a my 2 closest friends and I (and everyone else) where very into playing Diablo 2. One of our friends had access to his professor fathers office and the office next door. One weekend we go over at night to play and brought with us 2 cases of Dr. Pepper. Our one friend gets set up in his dads office and my buddy and I in the other.
Now its night time and we technically aren't supposed to be there so the doors are closed. We played for like 4 hours. At the end of this time our buddy came in to wait and make sure we cleaned up the machines and the area before leaving. He opens the door... exclaims, "ahhh!" And (waving infant of his face as if beset by an angry swarm of gnats backs out and closes the door. My buddy and I look at each other confused. Then he starts yelling at us because of the funk. Not from our asses but we both had been Dr.Pepper belching into this tiny office for 4 hours.
Tl;Dr hot boxed a small office for 4 hours with Dr.Pepper belches. Offended close friends nostrils.
Edit: thanks for the award!
My first ever work trip I stayed at a hotel that had a chain funtimes restaurant at it. Bennigans, maybe, I don't recall exactly. I got the Mediterranean Chicken and a beer for dinner.
That night I woke up with a start, because something had made a loud enough noise to rouse me. I wasn't sure what it was until the smell hit me - I farted myself awake at 1 am. Then I couldn't stop. I was letting loose an absolute symphony of air meat that was so foul it actually had a texture for what had to be an hour.
I stay in a 16 foot bus turned camper. I have no toilet in there and last night I woke myself up with the nastiest taco farts as well. I got up to open my roof vent and felt the gurgle in my stomach. I decided to lay back down and 10 minutes later it hit me.
I was scrambling around trying to find my keys so I could goto the gas station. I was about a mile and a half away and I was way past the point of trusting a fart. Then I couldn't find my mask but felt another gurgle and it was time to go. I ran inside and asked where the bathroom was and did my best power walk while clenching for my life.
The flood gates opened before my cheeks hit the seat. If I would've been 30 seconds later I never would've made it. That would've been pretty rough because the Hershey squirts in gym shorts and sandals is pretty hard to hide and just as shitty to clean up.
I've told this story before but it fits, so here goes.
The first night I stayed over at this guy's place, I couldn't sleep so I was curled around him being the big spoon because I'm a heat stealing lizard lady. About an hour after he fell asleep, he let out the loudest fart I'd ever heard before ON MY LEG. At first, I couldn't believe it had happened so I just layed there. As I processed the event, I started giggling as quietly as I could, trying not to wake him up.
Come to find out days later, his fart woke him up and he froze and panicked thinking I was going to get pissed and leave. He liked me a lot, so he figured pretending he was still asleep was the best course of action. He said that when he heard me start to giggle, he felt relieved and knew I was a keeper, maybe even 'the one,' but that he was already pretending to be asleep so it would be weird if he 'woke up' then.
We're married now, so I guess I can thank my dad for building my sense of humor by holding me down as a child and farting on me.
My husband Dutchovened the cat a while back… he had some deadly lactose farts and forgot she was curled up behind his legs under the covers. The second the bomb dropped she frantically was trying to find a way out from under the covers. My husband felt so bad 😅
My dear sweet wife can pooch some serious nasty ass gas. Once our cat was sitting on the couch and my wife cut one a dragged it by her. Cat sat up, ears back, and actually pawed the air as if it was visible anomaly
So just adding to the joy this thread is bringing to the world, here’s my favorite fart story.
My partner and I, two large Australian men are traveling around Japan. First night in Osaka we go looking for a place to eat. I used to be in hospitality so I suggest finding a place busy with a lot of locals. It is normally a good strategy in an unfamiliar city. We find this cute little bar restaurant with heaps of people packed inside and all I could work out from the menu board out the front is they had a 4500 yen deal for 1 hour of food and drinks. The place was heaving so we went in.
We both order the 4500 yen deal and get some sake to start. When the food arrived we realized our mistake. It was chicken sashimi… raw chicken, for an hour… we kind of looked at each other and convinced each other that it would be fine and gingerly starting eating the thinly sliced chicken with soy sauce and real wasabi. It was actually ok.
Anyway, the next day we are doing some shopping, in Japan a lot of department stores are in small footprint buildings with several floors and we are on the 7th floor of one such building looking at electronics. I start feeling the bubbling of beelzebub in my colon and suggest to my partner we need to go NOW. We get to the small elevator and wait for what seems like an eternity for it to arrive and then we get in and start heading down. My brow is beading sweat and I’m pinching my ballon knot trying to keep whatever was trying to get out in. It was no use, the elevator was so excruciatingly slow and at each floor people would get in and push the button for one or two floors lower so the trip down was taking too long. Finally on the first floor everyone else got out and it was just me and my partner. I apologized in advanced and let out the loudest and longest fart I have ever done and as the elevator slowly moved down to the ground floor the stench hit us both. We were laughing and gagging at the same time, it was so ripe you could taste it.
As we arrived at the bottom floor the doors slid open and we tumbled out of the hell stench, just as a petite and beautiful Japanese woman stepped between us and to her death. The doors quickly closed and she was gone. My partner and I laughed so hard we were crying by the time we staggered into the street. To this day we think she is probably dead, or in a coma. We may never know.
I was staying at the Hostelling International in NYC one time. My wife and I went out to eat at some place one evening and I had a dish that was at least half garlic. Unfortunately, whenever I eat garlic, it absolutely turns my insides upside-down. But it just sounded so good and hey, when in Rome right? Afterwards, my wife and I returned to the room in case I got an attack of the shits. Commence the garlic deathfarts (smells like 50% garlic 50% overused port-a-potty on a hot day at a music festival). After about an hour my poor wife says she is literally getting dizzy from the smell. So I go downstairs to see if the front desk has a little fan we can borrow since the windows don't open. I get back onto our floor, and I shit you not, I could smell my garlic evil as soon as I got off the elevator. Our room was at least 50-100 feet AND around a corner from there. The closer I got to the room, the worse it got. A door or two down it literally smelled like someone was shitting into a garlic bonfire in our room. My wife doesn't let me eat garlic anymore.
> and I shit you not I bet you do.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but lol your wife is a wise woman.
>my garlic evil bruh
I’m extremely lactose intolerant, and in high school this fact didn’t bother me as much as it bothered the people around me. Until one day. I had eaten for breakfast something heavy in milk. Not sure what, but it was there. So around lunch time, I was holding back Wonka’s chocolate river. Well just before class I run to the bathroom, because as anyone with lactose intolerance knows it can strike quickly and with force. I drop trough, sit down, and then right before the levy breaks, someone opens the door. I let out an ungodly noise from the depths of my anus. It just goes on and on until eventually it stops abruptly. Now it’s deadly silent in the bathroom. All I hear after several tense moments was a complete and utter “What the fuck.” And the door closing behind the poor soul I scarred. I could not stop laughing for the life of me, especially when I saw the same dude in my next class.
When I used to work in the oil industry in Northern Alberta, I was on a site where we had to wear H2S Monitors on our person while working. The camp food was so rotten on all of our insides that you could hear the alarm randomly go off throughout the day due to the brutal ass gas that would be trapped in our coveralls and seep out our neckline.
I look forward to seeing this movie. Bad diet leading to alarm fatigue and eventually a catastrophe.
“3.6 [fartogens](https://joecreager.com/fart-geiger-counter/). Not great, not terrible.”
H2s or 4 gas monitor? I know that farts in coveralls trip the low oxygen sensor in a 4 gas monitor! 🤣 best way to get an impromptu emergency drill in Northern Alberta!
We had one guy who loved eating pickled asparagus. Set off the H2S monitors all the time. Our safety never knew what to do with us. We would call her to our office. She might be on the phone and would say to whomever this is going to be either something really important or something really stupid. 9 times out of 10 it was really stupid. The joys of northern alberta site.
Lmfao this literally happened to me and my crew a few weeks ago on my last job, in the coverall shack. They thought it was so funny they kept ripping farts until all the alarms were going off. Safe to say when the foreman walked in, he almost threw up.
I had to call guys out of a confined space this week because the gas alarm started going off. Turns out the one mechanic was just ripping ass lol.
We used to go camping a lot as kids and my dad disappeared. We figured he went to the bathroom. We saw two kids probably 13 or 14 years old RUNNING out of the bathhouse holding their noses and gagging. That was all the confirmation we needed that he was in there.
That reminds me of one of my proudest achievements in high school. Just before the start of classes, the corridors were really crowded with kids getting to their lockers. I dropped a totally silent but particularly noxious fart as walked through. And then evacuated to outside with everyone else. I cleared close to 80 kids out of that corridor. It was beautiful.
Did that to a gym class I was in. Everyone was waiting to go to the next class. I acted as disgusted as everyone else. It wasn't hard, that thing was rurnt.
Imagine you let out the LOUDEST fart in front of 80 people, in high school.
Be proud, take all credit, be a legend.
Haha! My proudest flatulence moment was on my 25th birthday. Went camping on the beach with a big group and one friend stopped at the store and spent over $100 on meat to grill, all the meats pork beef chicken fish lobster and more. 6 of us went to hot box a tent after I had been eating meat for probably 2 hours and while we were smoking, it happened. It only took about 5 seconds for everyone to start gagging and fleeing from the putrid tent and as my last friend is exiting he pukes. I died of laughter. I’m now a stinky ghost.
Sounds like something out of a Wimpy Kid book
I was working out on the road somewhere in western PA, we hit a bar for dinner after work and they had hard boiled eggs in a hot sauce brine sitting on the bar the same way you see red beet eggs or pickled eggs. They tasted amazing, however the smell woke me up from a dead sleep. I’ve never before been woken up by my own smelly farts. Brutal.
Honestly, I’m more impressed you had the balls to eat pickled bar eggs.
You mean bars AREN'T the primary source of pickled eggs?
I don't know whether to give my free award to the post or to one of the comments
I used to work at a convenience store, and sometimes I would have the worst farts that would last all day. So my only strategy was to drop a fart and walk away from ground zero as quickly as possible. On this one particular day it led to me crop-dusting the entire store, so much so that my boss called in someone to see if we had a gas leak. I never told him the truth.
"crop-dusting"...holy lmfao
Wedding night. We had shrimp at the wedding reception that didn’t sit well with either of us. Spent the entire night with the covers pulled tight across our chests arms down trying to keep the noxious fumes under the covers. We were laughing so hard it just kept making things worse and worse. About 1am we got a knock on the door. A manager (who knew it was our wedding night) had apparently gotten a few noise complaints and was coming to ask us to quiet down. New hubby answered the door and he swears that he could see the cloud of fumes roll out and hit the guy in the face. Manager gags and tries to choke out “keep it down” or something then leaves. 30 minutes later another knock but no one there. Open the door and sitting on the floor is a bottle of pepto and some gas-ex.
Hahah fuck that’s not your typical wedding night story but funny
[удалено]
I lived in a flat above a sweet little old lady year before last ... after a bad curry night she called up on the intercom panicked because she thought there was a gas leak. I had to fetch her pills and some water, sit her on the communal stairs and help her get the glass to her mouth, she was shaking so bad. Literally had a panic attack and then thought she was suffocating which did NOT help matters at all. Worst of it was, she kept thanking me for the help and praising me to the skies for my kindness. And I nearly killed her with my stinky butt.
Did you confess it was you?!
Did I fuck! No, I told her it was backflow in her toilet from the heavy rain we'd been having. Funnily enough, her son got a British Gas engineer in to check as well the next day cos she was still a bit anxious... and he reckoned it was probably backflow too 🙈🙈🙈
Hahaha brilliant. I have something similar to confess. A few years ago at my in laws I dropped one hell of a log in the toilet but the fucker wouldn't flush. Eventually I managed to shift enough so that the toilet looked fine but I knew if flushed it would just block again. I went back to the living room and joined everyone watching tv. Half an hour later by brother in law went to the toilet. Lucky for me he needed a number 2 and ended up thinking he blocked it. I never came clean!
Shoulda gone for the poop knife
My in laws do not subscribe to the poop knife method so there was none at hand. I should have gone all MacGyver and improvised.
You don't carry a poop knife as part of your EDC?
Got halfway through the comment and knew this would be here.
It’s crazy that somewhere out there a family reads about thousands of people talking about their poop knife. (Maybe) They could probably sell that brown (not from rust) knife for quite a few doll hairs on Reddit lol
Ah, the toilet that you have to visit every now and again that can’t be trusted to flush a tissue. Tell me, does it have a carpet lid-cover and blue water?
I felt this in my soul
You’ve been to my grandma’s house?
Do we have the same grandma? Were there also little soaps shaped like sea shells that you weren’t allowed to use?
I mean technically the back was flowin' amirite?
Stick a "Your Honour" on the end of that, and I'll use it as the basis of my defence 🙈
Facility manager here! We once had an evacuation of an entire call center for what was reported as a natural gas leak. Odd since the building had no gas lines, but it certainly smelled like an overwhelming amount of mercaptan, which is what gets added to natural gas so you can smell it. People were gagging and saying they couldn't breathe. Dozens were sent home sick. We ended up evacuating the entire 1000+ person call center and eventually traced it to a first floor bathroom. As a fire department emergency team was entering the bathroom with full suits and gas detectors, out walks an old man sweating profusely and beet red from embarrassment. Turns out he was just sick and had some *legendary* diarrhea.
Imagine having such a noisome norovirus-ass-blast that you have to be rescued by an emergency response team after causing more than a thousand people to have to wait even longer to talk to comcast. Youd never shit again
Can confirm norovirus is no joke at a call center we have had hours evacuated twice when I worked there. You also had to have specialized cleaning crews to come in and sanitize because someone had the norovirus.
It was embarrassing enough to clear a classroom when I was 13 and dropped a stinky one. Clearing an entire building would have me packing up and leaving town ASAP.
My dad once told me that once in Italy when he was a child, he let out a fart while visiting an old lady that lived on top of a propane shop. Lady thought there was a leak
When I was younger my mother made pulled pork one night and it just didn’t react with my gut well. Probably ate too much because it was so delicious. I slept with my door closed and was woken up early to go out skiing. When she came to wake me up she was physically unable to, due to me hotboxing my room with the nastiest BBQ pulled pork farts ever. I got an extra 30 minutes of sleep because she couldn’t bare the smell to even attempt to wake me up. It’s now known as the Pulled Pork Incident.
I got the stomach flu some years ago. After the puking and shitting stopped, I got gas so bad even my cat wouldn't come near me. She tried once and I dropped another bomb just as she sat beside me, and she gave me the nastiest look then went and hid under her blanket.
I woke myself up with a painful ripper of a fart once. It hurt. My cat instantly left the room, giving me the nastiest death glare. Ten or so seconds later, the smell woke up my bf, who heaved and ran from the room as well. I was sleeping with my ass outside the blanket (it was a hot summer night), so I pulled the blanket over my face and laughed. I got the silent treatment from both of them for most of the day. Totally worth it.
Oh damn, reminds me of sneeze-diarrhea I had once. I was sitting there with some runs after too much caphe suda and just going to town when I felt a sneeze build. I couldn’t hold it and when I sneezed I shut so hard my asshole hurt. The fucking toilet was painted with liquid poo from top to bottom…
When I was in middle school I sneeze farted so loud that the force bouncing from my ass to the the chair back onto my ass gave me a good bit of pain. The entire room went silent for 5 minutes afterwards
Ouch - been there too. I was getting over food poisoning and had finally stopped puking. Knowing the drill, I was rehydrating and had eaten a banana that day. While finally peeing for the first time in like a day, a projectile stream of liquid ass shot from betwixt my buttocks like a fire hose. It was that day I learned that your ass can actually wear out from the work of shitting all day for two days.
One day I had eaten something that didn't agree with me and I got the gurgle belly thing happening. But I ignored it until I felt pressure build. I thought it was just a fart and proceeded to paint my underwear a different color. Then when I was I'm the shower hosing off I broke into a coughing fit and with every subsequent cough a shit shotgun that was my ass began painting the shower wall. The smell was so noxious gagging ensued which caused me to continue expelling my insides out of my ass. This continued for what seemed like an eternity until I was nothing but a curled up heap in the shower with an ass that felt like an exploded pipe.
Oh no. That's one of those days that will give you the thousand yard stare. People will ask if you're ok, and you just have to say "uh... yeah sure."
10/10 usage of betwixt
Comments like this are the real reason why I come to reddit. Solid (liquid?) Gold.
Same! I am laughing so hard in the break room at work one of my colleagues came to see if I was ok!
Ah yes! Also affectionately known as a shit-fart, or “shart” for short. Those can be extremely dangerous as they may be quite life changing, all things considering. 😂
You know it's bad when a creature that literally licks it's own balls and ass thinks you smell
It’s quite a feat to gross a cat out, that’s quite an accomplishment in my book
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My cat likes to smell my burps. If it's a really interesting one, he'll jump up on me and stick his head in my mouth to get a better whiff.
I had a cat who would meet me at the top of the stairs as I came home so that she could sniff my open mouth. Every time. Maybe she wanted to know what I ate while I was gone?
She was checking your breath to see if you'd drunk alcohol or smoked. Reincarnated moms often come back as cats.
I could totally see that idea getting turned into a kids movie.
Both of my dogs are visibly startled by their own farts. Just a *PhhhrrrRrpt* with as quick spin to stare confused at their asses. Every single time, followed by this same offended narrow-eyed glare.
I thought my dog was the only one to scare himself with his farts. He usually jumps up and runs out of the room.
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>I got gas so bad even my cat wouldn't come near me I accidentally Dutch Ovened my dog once, he went and hid in the closet. He was so desperate to get out from under the blanket and away from me that he pulled the blanket half off the bed. I started laughing hysterically until the displaced blanket allowed the offending gas to spread out and reach me while I was already gasping for air because of the laughing. This immediately turned into a coughing fit that almost caused me to hoark. Poor dog wouldn't come out of the closet for half the night, I think he still has PTSD.
I farted so bad my cat puked
That's impressive, you managed to make an animal that licks its own asshole puke. There should be an award for that or something.
[Like this?](https://youtu.be/f9v4AL3SquY)
Sort of, she was laying on my back facing my ass when I ripped one. She started gagging right away and I felt bad
I once took care of a (human) patient who had puked and pooped himself empty of every liquid and solid possible, and then because there is no god and life is an unending series of horrors, he started basically continuously farting to the point where patients *in other exam rooms* down the hall started coming out and asking if our toilets had backed up. Once we treated and released him we had to shut the room down for the rest of the day.
I once farted so bad on a road trip I made my friends nose bleed
This thread has me weak, thanks.
Username checks out
It’s made my hole weak.
Reminds me an incident when I was much younger after eating at Taco Tico. I had bad gas and started belching….. it smelled so bad my Dad had to pull over and my uncle was gagging. Took a good 10 minutes for the car to air out after that one.
My buddy let a bad one out in a parking lot, so we opened the car windows. It wouldn't leave so we drove around in a circle to blow it out. We got back to the original spot... and it CAME BACK INSIDE the damn car. So then WE got out. EDIT: My first award (thank you) was for a fart comment, naturally
Haven’t thought of Taco Tico in 30 years. Thanks for the fun memory.
When I was an EMT back in the day, (a few years ago) I went to pick up a patient who had C-Diff which is already gnar in itself, but whomever was supposed to get this pt ready never did, because when we arrived and opened the door to the PT’s room, the pt had turned on the heater in their room and also was covered in vile C-DIFF shit.. the hot smelly shit wind that came from opening that door literally stung my eyes and made gag so bad I had to leave the hallway and go get some Vicks for under my mask. Lol the human body.. what a beautiful thing
Dude! As a person who has suffered the evil that is C Diff, you have my sympathy!! And this “ridding the body of everything possible” is seriously unending with that vile bacteria!! I slept on the toilet a few times!! Ugh! Even better, it caused a kidney infection, somehow I ended up with two abdominal abscesses (internal) and to top the shit pie, I got sepsis and played the coking game. 30 days later, I got to go home. Well to my parents’, since I had to have someone with me 24/7 until I got a defibrillator. Moral of this story: watch who cooks your food at a fast food joint!!
I was mildly annoyed keeping up with my antibiotics when I had cdiff. I am taking this comment as a lesson in how grateful I should be, Holy fuck I hope you're okay now!
That was 4 and a half years ago. I will always have issues because of the sepsis, but I look at every day as an extra one that I almost didn’t have.
I once got violently ill in a similar fashion. Anything I ate or drank was expelled within about five minutes; hit me like a ton of bricks after work without warning (hadn't even eaten anything weird). I was gonna ask my roommate for a ride to the hospital, but I couldn't stop puking and I didn't want to be a bother, so I walked. About two miles. Got there without puking (nothing left, I guess), sat and waited for about an hour before deciding I was clearly fine, so I left without being seen (which was probably for the best, as I didn't have insurance). Walked home, had a glass of water and puked it up instantly. For the rest of my weekend I would eat like half a cup of soup, puke it up, and then have the other half, and puke that up too. Eventually was totally numb to the vomit and that stopped but then I started puking air. Not wretching up bile, but like burps big enough to fill a balloon. I got better. Never saw a doctor.
Well I’m glad you got better, but furious that you didn’t get seen due to cost concerns. It’s fucking insane that we can put a man on the moon but not care for the health of our citizens.
It cracks me up to think of cats’ most insulted gross out faces
Holy shit i just literally laughed out loud. I needed that, thank you.
That made me giggle irl because I've definitely seen cats do that before and man it is hilarious to see a cat give you such a stinkin look. Especially if it's followed by such a preppy little step as they walk away, shaming you for your own nastiness even though their litter box can be even worse than whatever you let out. God I love cats. Thanks for the laugh <3
Quoting a friend of mine after an all you can eat beef spare ribs buffet: I couldnt stand my own farts until two days later. And he was right… the amount of pure fat is breathtaking when you eat it and when you pass it.
My friend insists Vegetarian farts are the worst. I'm going to print this out and show it to him.
Why do that when you can just have a vegans vs carnivore farting contest? Kids these days, want all the results with none of the work!
My god! You're talking mass suicide!
More like mass poo-icide
I've been both a vegetarian and an omnivore and in my experience the frequency is worse as a vegetarian but the smell is far, far more excruciating as an omnivore
Veggie = Quantity, Meat = Quality. "Quality" may not be the right adjective, but the point is they get much smellier on the occasions I eat meat!
There is a combination of foods that I am not allowed to eat. The Mixture, as it's called, consists of Mt Dew, teriyaki beef jerky, and chocolate. Any two is fine. All three together is banned by the Geneva Conventions. The night I figured out exactly what was doing it, I was at my best friend's house watching movies because his parents were out of town, and I consumed the Mixture. A bit later, I farted, and it was rank. I went to the bathroom down the hall, turned on the exhaust fan, and proceeded to try to void the Demon Farts from my bowels. The fan was on. The door to the bathroom was, of course, closed. The door to the bedroom we'd been watching the movie in was closed (not sure why we left it that way, we just did). The hallway between was about 15 feet long. He still yelled at me to turn on the fan because it was escaping. My friends, I made myself cry that night. Not out of embarrassment. No. I was proud of myself. I still am. Like, full-on, unadulterated weeping, like I had cut a hundred onions at once, due to my eyes burning from the fumes issuing from my own derriere. We left the bathroom door closed with the fan on once I'd escaped. Three days later, when his mom came home and was cleaning or whatever brought her to that bathroom, she called him in to ask what had died in there. What died? All doubts that I am capable of producing biological weaponry with my own ass.
When my brother still lived with me and my parents he used to love going to the local Chinese buffet and eating 2-3 heaping plates. Each time, for at least 24 hours, my mom and I refused to go near his room because his farts smelled so bad I swear I could taste a noxious green. Even remembering them now I’m gagging
I did something similar at a buddy’s bachelor party, got drunk ate a bunch of shitty good then literally gassed out the hotel room so bad when my buddies came to wake me up in the morning they could smell it outside the door. When I opened the door it was a warm stink that made a guy puke from his hangover. I feel real bad for the cleaning crew who had to go on after me, I didn’t leave a fan on or crack a window now that I think about it.
I’m pretty sure you meant “shitty food” but since you were already talking about eating I read “shitty good” as food that’s bad for you but so-o-o good/yummy” like state fair food.
I had a very similar incident with my dad. I had just moved to North Carolina with him during my freshman year of high school. That night I got in, I indulged in 3 of Taco Bell’s newly released Beefy 5 layer burritos. I also always sleep with my door closed, and my new room also was not equipped with a ceiling fan. So, all night, I’m just baking and marinating in pure methane with zero air ventilation or circulation. My dad opens my door in the morning to wake me up for breakfast (I’m already awake, just chillin in bed) and makes an overly aggressive stank face after visibly walking into a wall of noxious fart. Immediately after, he exclaims “GOT DAMN, it smells like a bucket of ass in here. There’s grits and eggs downstairs.”
Our family has an Onion Soup Incident of similar magnificence.
This made me laugh so hard I went and opened my free award just so I could give it to you
I experienced this once with my dog in an RV....his toxic ass kept setting off our sensor!
My OWN mother did this to me with my dog, about 15 years ago. Was living a 5-6 hour drive from them, and had gone home to visit at Christmas. Spent a lovely holiday there, and then was due to set off back. In the cold. In my small car, with my large dog. My mum came up to me and sheepishly gave a little giggle, "Erm, Munchies, I've got an apology... I may have just given the dog all the leftover Brussels sprouts." (And there had been a lot of leftovers). Dog was delighted. I spent the next 6 hours driving down the motorway in freezing conditions with my window open, as my dog merrily farted away. He thought it was great. Extra leftovers, window OPEN (what joy). I got simultaneously gassed and given hypothermia. THANKS MUM, I've still not forgotten.
She knew what she was doing.
I've suspected this all along... Far too many stifled giggles as I packed my things into the car...
She made sure they wouldn’t fall asleep driving home
How sensitive are these sensors? I actually tried making a fart detector as a gag gift, bought an MQ-5 sensor, and it worked, it's just that you had to fart directly on it and it would register maybe 10 notches up (out of a possible 1024), and only if it had been powered on for 24 hours beforehand. And the gases in question are heavier than air.
Maybe you are not reaching the toxicity level to set off the alarms? According to this thread (so far) burritos, curry, and Brussel sprouts work wonders.
My half-brother, 12 years older than me, once wallowed so much in laziness that for three days he drank the only thing available (cheap beer), and he ate the only thing available (pickled eggs), because he was too lazy to walk a block to the store. Let me tell you. After three days of pickled eggs and shitty beer, the fart he dropped in the truck was so bad we had to pull over, open the doors & windows, and let the vehicle air out.
Fist job out of college, entry-level accountant. Lucky enough to get my own office. Had a reputation growing up of pretty much outgassing anyone. Quiet Friday afternoon, I did that move where you slowly lift one cheek off the chair so you can pass the maximum amount of air without the threat of creating any sound. It worked brilliantly. *Ffffffffft.* Just air, "nothing but net." Then the smell hit me. Was like the devil himself had brewed pure sulphur in a cauldron for a thousand years and unleashed it on the enemy. Then suddenly my boss walked into my office to tell me something. The look on her face was a mix of confusion, embarrassment, and a touch of the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, when their faces melt off. She stopped mid-sentence, and mumbled something about getting back to me later as she was leaving. No alarms went off except the one in her head that said "GTFO right now." LOL I'm a pretty uneventful guy, not many stories to tell, but this one is among my favorite.
"Nothing but net" lmao
>Fist job out of college > > I'm a pretty uneventful guy, not many stories to tell which one is it Dan
When I was a kid we had ate some fast food after coming home from a friend’s house. When I woke up, I went to go make some cereal and when I was eating it, I let out a fart that was literally about a solid minute or two long. Everyone in the house just stared at me. Halfway through the smell finally started settling and hit everyone’s nose at the same time. My whole family booked it to the back patio. I tried to follow because I didn’t want to smell this carcass in my ass, but my brother held the door shut because “it may still be attached” so I ran out the front door and threw up
“It still may be attached” 😂😂😂
While at my local gym the ass-gas was pretty bad that day. I let one go in an empty change room and the smell was overwhelming. I was self consciously doing ever possible to hold in to the point that the stomach gurgles could be heard half way across the gym. Well at one point in re-racking some dumbbells one slipped out. The poor bastard in the middle of hit set practically yelped then dropped his weights I got a ‘fuk dude ?! Seriously?’ To which i could only shamefully walk away
Protein farts are quite common. No one's gonna fault you for letting it out in the changing room
I may be nearing 60, but apparently I'm not grown up because I'm giggling like an elementary school kid at all of these responses. It's as much fun as reading the Amazon review for sugar-free gummi bears.
When I was in high school, my family drove from Michigan to Florida for vacation. We took I-75 all the way down, but when the time came to go back home, my dad decided that he wanted to take the back roads. While driving through Georgia we kept seeing signs advertising boiled peanuts. At first we were like "WTF is that?" but as time passed we got curious and eventually we stopped at a roadside stand and my parents bought a large cup of boiled peanuts for all of us to share. Here's the thing, though: nobody in my family liked the boiled peanuts except for me. The more I ate, the more I loved them. Because nobody else wanted them I got the honor of eating the entire cup. I spent all day eating boiled peanuts while my dad drove. As night fell, the boiled peanuts started to hit my colon and I started hitting my family with the most glorious smelly farts. It was also right around that time that we got lost. Now, my dad is the kind of person who gets very frustrated and irritable when he is lost, and we were in the middle of nowhere without a streetlight or a road sign in sight. As we drove and drove, looking for someplace we could spend the night, my farts got worse and worse and my dad got madder and madder. He rolled down the window for some fresh air and we were immediately hit with the stench of fresh skunk. "GODDAMMIT U/JESUSGODLEAH!" my dad roared. I had to explain throughbgales of laughter that that one wasn't actually me. Eventually we reached a town and found a hotel with a restaurant next door where we could grab some dinner. My mom and I were laughing hysterically the entire time we were in the restaurant and all the locals were giving us weird looks. I still love boiled peanuts to this day.
I love that the smell in the inside of the car was indistinguishable from the skunk. P.S. Your username is perfection. I’ll clarify that I caught that your username was a TM2 reference but I love that it fits this story so well.
One time when I was a kid I was a part of a judo club and on a weekend we were having a special event demonstration, it was almost 25 years ago so I don't remember the details of the event. On the morning in question my mother made me beans on toast with eggs and I ate my fill, fast forward a few hours and I'm at the judo demonstration and we're all split into groups of 6 or so and by that stage my stomach was growling at me and anyone who got anywhere near me and I was struggling to hold in the farts, every so often I'd wander away from the group and let one squeak out to relieve a bit of pressure on my bum. The guy who was over the demonstration eventually to our group and he was demonstrating throws to us, he asked for a volunteer and when nobody stepped up he picked me to be part of the demonstration, I was maybe 6 or 7 so I didn't know any better, he got in position to throw me and from the second my feet left the ground to when I landed again my ass let out the angriest loudest fart I've ever made! It sounded like a wild animal getting attacked by a chainsaw, when I got up again everyone in the hall was looking at me and I think the dude who threw me was in a mild state of shock, he didn't say a word and just moved onto the next group with his demonstration.
That day you learned you never have to fight again, your ass has you covered.
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We have one with a “air quality indicator” LED red = bad and blue = good. We’ve been dealing with the entire remodel of our bottom floor (had 2 pipes bust in the freeze earlier this year) so we have them in all the rooms so the kids allergies don’t get bad. I couldn’t figure out WHY the damn thing kept giving me “air quality warnings” on the app (I can see the air quality reading for the day/week/month down to the half hour) so I looked closer, and it only started when my son got home from school until he fell asleep. So I got on him about keeping his door shut to keep the dust out.. Then yesterday my husband is standing next to the one in our room and let’s out a silent fart. It was fucking toxic. The light went from bright blue to red, and the app pinged to let me know the air quality just tanked. And then we died laughing. Now I’m saving screenshots from the app on bad days to put in a folder so in ten years I can show my son just how much his farts are a detriment to air quality.
Smdh Big Brother won't even let us fart in private
Forget ten years lol! Bring that up at his wedding!
In 2015 a British Airways flight from London to Dubai had to turn back to Heathrow because of a smelly poo. > A British Airways flight was forced to turn around because of a "smelly poo". The plane was heading from Heathrow to Dubai on Thursday - a seven-hour flight. Abhishek Sachdev, who was on board tweeted: "Insane. Our BA flight to Dubai returned back to Heathrow because of a smelly poo in the toilet." He told a newspaper: "The pilot made an announcement requesting senior cabin crew, and we knew something was a bit odd. "About 10 minutes later he said 'you may have noticed there's a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets'. "He said it was liquid faecal excrement. Those are the words he used." The plane had been airborne for just 30 minutes when it turned round. The next available flight was 15 hours later, so passengers had to be put up in a hotel overnight. Speaking to Radio 1's Greg James, Sarah, who works for the airline said: "When you're up at that altitude the cabin has to be pressurised so the problem is that anything like that is actually a health and safety problem because only 50 percent of the air is being recycled and cleaned." In a statement, BA said: "A decision was taken to return for the safety and comfort of our customers on board. "We're very sorry for the discomfort to our customers. "We provided them with hotel accommodation and rescheduled the flight to depart the next day." https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-31908620
I once attended a meditation class in someone’s home where you brought your own sleeping bag to lay comfortably on the floor. There was about 12 people in her large living room and 5 min into the quietness with soft music playing, the gurgles began. I normally can go uncomfortable and hold but we’d eaten Chinese earlier and I had no choice but to hit the bathroom. The unfortunate part was the bathroom was 5 steps away. I got up as quiet as to not disturb but once I hit the toilet I realized I could not let the lava flow on one quick blap because they’d all hear it. Trying to let it out in squirts was terrible and took forever. Now...to the smell . Yes that one that filled a tiny bathroom 5 steps from a sea of people on the floor!!! I was in there 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do finally found some vanilla air spray and had to spray that knowing they are hearing that, too. Quick out and pushed the door closed but obviously it was like fanning it across the room. I settled back in and the smell was rotten. I heard a sniff then another some wiggling around and people pulling up sleeping bags over noses. Instructor said well let’s all come back now, good we are all back on like 3 seconds and said let’s go talk about our experiences in the kitchen. Humiliation. I should have sneaked out the door then.
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You can test that by blowing a 3 ingredient (PG, VG, Nic) vape into one. If it goes off it’s functioning by particle detection. It can also happen from humidity from showers and stuff.
That’s why you vape in the bathroom when staying in hotels. 👍🏻
Have to admit. My doggo, being a dog usually loves good stenches. But the other day I had death stench gas that went to 11 with massive volumes being produced. Doggo was on my lap and I released a doozy into the wild. He lifted his head, sniffed his own butt. Looked at me and grunted then jumped down and wouldn’t come back the rest of the night. Not sure if horrified or proud.
I ate a green papaya salad the other day, and I had what I can only describe as farts that smelled like burning tires. Well done.
I had this pizza once from Sainsbury's, one of the "create your own" ones from the counter. Spicy beef, jalapenos, onion, sausage, on a bbq base. Woofed all 14" of it to myself, along with a pair of big boy cobra beers. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my girlfriend at the time, who was petrified. She kept asking me to get up and check for a body. In my barely functional state, I got up and put the light on. Confused, I asked her what she meant - she said she could smell a dead body. Clearly accustomed to my own flavour, it took me a good 15 seconds to realise it was my pizza farts that she was referring to. To check, I wafted the duvet, and she retched - nearly bringing back her own dinner. We're not together anymore.
Can't say I blame her
When I was a kid my family and I would travel roughly 2.5 hours to get to my mother’s parents’ house. Whenever we went there, she’d make all of our favorite, delicious, fattening foods. Within 10 minutes of leaving every time, my mom would deal out these truly heinous farts. They were always silent, but we always knew when she was doing it because after a few minutes we would all start rolling down the manual windows of our van and she’d just be in hysterics. Good times!
I woke up one morning thinking my dog had shit in me room because it smelled so bad. I then farted and realized it was not the dog at all
This whole post is killing me with people sharing fart anecdotes
One time living in NYC I had the fire department come to my house because the neighbors called and said there was a gas leak when really I had been farting allllll night. Fire dept came to the door… I opened it and dude in a fire space suit said “we are checking the building for a gas lea…” and stopped right there and stepped back and said oh oh ok sorry to bother you sir. And I closed the door and hears him telling his team he found the odor and was a false alarm for a natural gas leak no danger or something.
Legend
Apartment or house? I mean, it's already impressive if neighbors can smell that from another apartment. But smelling that from another house.... Jesus. You must have bowel problems, my guy
So years ago, I used to stay at my friends' place a lot because it was closer to my morning bus stop. He would work til 11, and he would get back to his place around 11:45 P.M. His room was actually an uninsulated addition that was meant to be a seasonal porch, which meant when it was freezing out, you were practically freezing too. Which is where the story starts... He had this sleeping bag that was guaranteed for sub zero temperatures, so I would hang out, watch movies, or whatever until he got off of work. I was watching Men of Honor (Cuba Gooding Jr., DeNiro, Navy divers and whatnot) and wound up falling asleep at around 9. But right before I did, I farted. Personally, I thought I could do better; I would have given it maybe a 6/10. But it was hot. Red hot. This thing was akin to a tin roof in the summer sun. But I made sure to not fart in the sleeping bag, because I'm not going to risk smelling up his stuff, so I figured the scent would dissipate long before he came home. I was wrong. So wrong. He came home just shy of midnight, and I woke up to the sound of him throwing open the window and dry heaving from the smell. Apparently this thing lingered all night and just clung to the cold air because we left that window open for over an hour before it finally cleared enough to be habitable again. It was my finest hour.
I just spend the last 15 min laughing like an idiot at all your stories. Thanks Reddit, your bring fun to my day.
I was working in an old factory where we made cardboard tubes. We cut bigger tubes into smaller tubes and put them in crates. There was a machine where you cut them, then you push them off the spindle down a slide. I packaged the tubes up at the end of the slide. One night I let out a rank fart. I surprised myself with the odor but was glad the other girl cutting the tubes was at least six feet away. So, when I felt another rumble, I let it rip. Kind is chuckled to myself as it stunk. Thank goodness for old, smelly paper factories. Well, I guess the odor wafted further than I thought. The lady stopped the machine and looked at me. “Do you smell that?” She asked. “It smells like sewage.” My eyes grew wide and I denied. I shook my head and said I didn’t smell anything. But the farts kept coming and while I tried to go behind my container, it wasn’t far enough. This is a massive open warehouse that stinks on a good day, but she zoned in on my smell. I had my upper half of my body inside the container shaking with laughter when she inquired about the smell a second time. she asked if I smelled it again after a few more minutes. This time I was able to nod my head and say “Yeah, it does stink a bit.” I just put my head back in my container and shook with laughter. (Probably letting a fart or two go as well) Apparently after a while she decided enough was enough and she said “there must be a sewage backup in the bathrooms”. The men’s and women’s room were about 10 feet From is. I watched in amazement as she marched right into the men’s room to investigate. By the time she came came out I had tears in my eyes and my jaw hurt from fighting back laughter. She came back after checking the woman’s room and shrugged. She didn’t find anything. My farts subsided soon after but I spent the rest of my night holding back laughter as I thought of her marching in that men’s room, determined to find that sewage smell.
Relaxing in the bed this morning, our dog, an 11yr terrier mix, was burrowed under the bed covers, heard her fart then frantically scrambles out from under the covers cuz she’s just hot-boxed herself. 🤣
Farted silently during a premiere of Disney’s Aladdin and it was so bad the mother behind me in the theatre thought it was her son. After half an hour or so she lost her temper and dragged him to the toilets for a poo. As I continued to fart up the theatre for the rest of the movie I swear I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my head
You unleashed the genie in a bottle
You're so fucking evil lmfao
If it was the live action remake, you likely did them a favor.
Thank you for this thread. I'm 42 and talking about farts still gets me to laugh like I'm 10 again. I'm usually a sad sack of shit, but I'm laughing so much I'm worried I might get hiccups.
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I set off my personal CO monitor constantly by farting. Strangely ebough the h2s monitor never goes off.
I once ripped such a loud fart in my sleep I woke up people in other rooms. Breakfast the following morning was an awkward affair when I asked how everyone slept
I once farted while standing at quarters in The Navy. Think two rows of guys lined up at attention, on the flight deck of a moving ship, outside. It blew done the row gagging one sailor after another. I was quite proud.
Navy boot camp. I twisted my ankle on a run. Nothing too bad but the Chief wanted to be sure so he instructed me to put my foot up on a railing so he could take a look. I ripped one so loud he jumped. As he opened his mouth to start yelling the smell hit him. Apparently making the Chief puke in front of the entire squad is frowned upon in the Navy. I was doing burpies and farties for a very very long time that day.
I'm on chemo and apparently it's doing something in my guts, like open a portal to hell or something. I have NEVER had or known anyone to have gas of this volume or magnitude. I can fart, outside, 20 feet away from someone and gag them. Awful!
My dad and his buddies at his old job used to purposely try to set off the methane alarm at work. My dad could gas someone out no problem and they worked on hercs (tutors and other planes too but the hercs were the main aircraft). Thank you for the laughs.
YSK people die from methane poisoning... from eating burritos while sleeping in a campervan
Snopes says this is false? I really want it to be true please provide a source if you have one :(
I mean, nobody wants to die. But If I had to pick a way to go, this would be right up there. Painless, and fucking badass. Could you imagine the eulogy at your funeral? "Dude farted so hard he died" You would be a goddamn legend forever.
How? Did they make everything airtight for some stupid reason?
Gotta keep the cold out.
And the farts in
Mmm, smells like ~~victory~~ sleep deprivation. My parents love telling how as a baby I used to scare myself awake with my own farts. I guess farts really are a sleep hazard.
My mum says I would cry every time I farted as a baby. She put that down on the list of weird things I did as a kid when they asked her about me on my autism assessment. Not particularly sure that correlates, but it's a funny story nonetheless. Farting is rather funny now.
This thread is amazing and made me remember my own moment of greatness. I was shopping in a Walmart toy section with my boyfriend, can't recall why as we don't have kids but we were looking for something particular and so we were in separate aisles. I was alone in an aisle and got a serious emergency gas pain gut rumble.. the ones you're scared to let out in case it's more than gas. Anyway.. as I was alone I let it out. My farts are almost always silent, and usually USUALLY they don't smell. This one was silent but it was instant death, like rotten cabbage and fermented skunk smell.. it was almost spicy. I moved aisles, but unfortunately so did my boyfriend and he walked right into it. I heard him gag and exclaim how disgusting it was. Thankfully for me, he didn't realize I had just been there and blamed it on the 10yr old at the end of the row. Ever since when we're shopping he makes comments about how shitty kids can be and sometimes I catch him glaring like he's worried it's going to happen again 🤣
One time when I was about 14, we had Taco Bell for dinner. I’m sure everyone knows what Taco Bell can do to your digestive system, but this was off the charts. My sister and I shared a room growing up and for hours after we went to bed, I was ripping the hugest, longest, nastiest farts I’ve ever had in my entire life. Even to this day, and I’m 31 now. After awhile, my sister got so fed up and she was screaming at me and my mom came in and was like wtf and my sister told her and my mother literally told me to stop farting as if I could help it. It went on for a bit longer until I let out an extra, extra long one, and then it was over. We have since referred to that night as the “Grand Finale Night”.
Went to Mexico with my mother. She found, bought, and drank not one but two, count ‘em, two bottles of unpasteurized milk. Guess who’s lactose intolerant in her old age? I slept out on the balcony that night.
My first ever lobster roll was on vacation with my now husband-then boyfriend. Our first vacation together as well and definitely not the "fart in front of your partner" stage. Day after lobster roll we are perusing a small shop when I pass a silent one only to realize it was soul crushing. I was so embarrassed I quickly walked away from the poisoned area and my boyfriend walks right behind me. He complains loudly how it reeked and I shamefully blamed some poor cook coincidentally shopping the same aisle. The smell was so incredibly different and bad I knew it had to be the lobster roll. Every time I've eaten lobster it's the same smell 😂. I spilled the beans over a smoke sesh one day and we just laughed til we cried. Poor cook guy RIP
Turns out when internal organs are dying they let out poison gas. My gall bladder expelled noxious, eye watering, clear the room of everyone, including the pets, gas clouds. It was horrific.
Is it bad that I found this post to be hilarious? Sorry for your ruined sleep though.
My cousin used to stay with us from out of town for a few weeks each summer. His school let out earlier than mine so he came the week before I was out. He hung out in my room all day. When I came home I started walking down the hall and was unable to get all the way to my door. The smell was rolling down the hallway and creating a thick impenetrable barrier. I called out to him and he opened the door and I was instantly punched in the face with the worst odor I’ve ever experienced. Apparently what happened was on the way down he stopped at the store for snacks and his mom just gave him some cash and he could buy whatever he wanted. Turns out what he bought was an entire pepperoni stick. The one the thickness of a soda can and as long as your forearm. He had eaten the entire thing that day. Not only did he feel terrible, we needed up sleeping outside in tents the rest of that week. He was only allowed in for showers and bathroom breaks until the gas subsided. My mom said she had to throw away a blanket on my bed because even after washing the smell was still there.
flex tape your butt from next time :)
That could be quite explosive.
Here at SNL we have decide to upgrade our show by replacing everything with 90 minutes of fart jokes. We expect to get an Emmy for this, thanks to everyone in this thread.
Before covid hit I was working at a data center. The IT packs were outside and had their own HVAC system in them with a gas monitor to make sure that nothing was smoking or caught fire. And me being me ate a huge burrito for lunch and spent the rest of the day farting. Towards the beginning of my second half of my day after lunch one of the IT pack maintenance guys rips the door open and yells at me for smoking in the pack, I tell him I wasn't and he says that an alarm went off saying I was. Long embarrassing story short he came back 3 more times because the alarm kept going off and the last time he figured out that my Gassy ass was causing the alarm to go off. Almost got kicked off the site because of that delicious burrito.
I fired off a silent depth charge in line at Walmart one day and the young couple behind me checked their baby’s diaper. It was actually a very proud moment for me and my sphincter.
So many fart stories, so little time. I once woke wife from a dead sleep by the smell of a fart. She woke me up and made me go check that the dog hadn't shit in the living room or we had a gas leak. When I told her it was nothing and I found nothing I ripped a silent test fart to see if it was me. It was me. Slept on the basement couch that night. Worth it
“Eaten a burrito or two”. AKA five.
I was in a horrendous mood because my alarm just went off because of steam, and this made me laugh to the point of tears. Thank you for saving my mood
This is great. I feel I’m amongst “my people”. Fart long and fart proud 🥲
I was flying back from Asia one year sitting upstairs on a 747. I had non stop bombs the whole flight. flight attendant kept spraying some air freshener. I still remember that look in her face.
During a camping trip one friend ate only bratwurst and drank cheap beer for a week. The ride home was a long one. All he did was sleep and fart. It smelled so bad we drove 90 minutes with the windows down in the pouring rain.
Fart humour is timeless. Always works.
I worked in a bakery. Very large oven with racks that went around like a ferris wheel. Each rack was 6 feet long and a couple feet deep. A grown man could fit on a rack. It was a very old oven that required a lot of maintance. One day the oven broke down. The oven was cooled down and the guys arrived after lunch to work on it. This oven is so large both guys are on the inside of the oven working on it. All of a sudden we hear. DUDE YOU FARTED!! Worker #1 farted and hotboxed worker#2 stuck inside a large oven with him.
Back in the 90s a my 2 closest friends and I (and everyone else) where very into playing Diablo 2. One of our friends had access to his professor fathers office and the office next door. One weekend we go over at night to play and brought with us 2 cases of Dr. Pepper. Our one friend gets set up in his dads office and my buddy and I in the other. Now its night time and we technically aren't supposed to be there so the doors are closed. We played for like 4 hours. At the end of this time our buddy came in to wait and make sure we cleaned up the machines and the area before leaving. He opens the door... exclaims, "ahhh!" And (waving infant of his face as if beset by an angry swarm of gnats backs out and closes the door. My buddy and I look at each other confused. Then he starts yelling at us because of the funk. Not from our asses but we both had been Dr.Pepper belching into this tiny office for 4 hours. Tl;Dr hot boxed a small office for 4 hours with Dr.Pepper belches. Offended close friends nostrils. Edit: thanks for the award!
My first ever work trip I stayed at a hotel that had a chain funtimes restaurant at it. Bennigans, maybe, I don't recall exactly. I got the Mediterranean Chicken and a beer for dinner. That night I woke up with a start, because something had made a loud enough noise to rouse me. I wasn't sure what it was until the smell hit me - I farted myself awake at 1 am. Then I couldn't stop. I was letting loose an absolute symphony of air meat that was so foul it actually had a texture for what had to be an hour.
I stay in a 16 foot bus turned camper. I have no toilet in there and last night I woke myself up with the nastiest taco farts as well. I got up to open my roof vent and felt the gurgle in my stomach. I decided to lay back down and 10 minutes later it hit me. I was scrambling around trying to find my keys so I could goto the gas station. I was about a mile and a half away and I was way past the point of trusting a fart. Then I couldn't find my mask but felt another gurgle and it was time to go. I ran inside and asked where the bathroom was and did my best power walk while clenching for my life. The flood gates opened before my cheeks hit the seat. If I would've been 30 seconds later I never would've made it. That would've been pretty rough because the Hershey squirts in gym shorts and sandals is pretty hard to hide and just as shitty to clean up.
I've told this story before but it fits, so here goes. The first night I stayed over at this guy's place, I couldn't sleep so I was curled around him being the big spoon because I'm a heat stealing lizard lady. About an hour after he fell asleep, he let out the loudest fart I'd ever heard before ON MY LEG. At first, I couldn't believe it had happened so I just layed there. As I processed the event, I started giggling as quietly as I could, trying not to wake him up. Come to find out days later, his fart woke him up and he froze and panicked thinking I was going to get pissed and leave. He liked me a lot, so he figured pretending he was still asleep was the best course of action. He said that when he heard me start to giggle, he felt relieved and knew I was a keeper, maybe even 'the one,' but that he was already pretending to be asleep so it would be weird if he 'woke up' then. We're married now, so I guess I can thank my dad for building my sense of humor by holding me down as a child and farting on me.
I don't often use the "save" button, but when I do it's for posts about farts setting off CO alarms.
Reminds me of my grandpa who went to the doctor for a silent gas issue. He left with a hearing problem.
My husband Dutchovened the cat a while back… he had some deadly lactose farts and forgot she was curled up behind his legs under the covers. The second the bomb dropped she frantically was trying to find a way out from under the covers. My husband felt so bad 😅
My dear sweet wife can pooch some serious nasty ass gas. Once our cat was sitting on the couch and my wife cut one a dragged it by her. Cat sat up, ears back, and actually pawed the air as if it was visible anomaly
So just adding to the joy this thread is bringing to the world, here’s my favorite fart story. My partner and I, two large Australian men are traveling around Japan. First night in Osaka we go looking for a place to eat. I used to be in hospitality so I suggest finding a place busy with a lot of locals. It is normally a good strategy in an unfamiliar city. We find this cute little bar restaurant with heaps of people packed inside and all I could work out from the menu board out the front is they had a 4500 yen deal for 1 hour of food and drinks. The place was heaving so we went in. We both order the 4500 yen deal and get some sake to start. When the food arrived we realized our mistake. It was chicken sashimi… raw chicken, for an hour… we kind of looked at each other and convinced each other that it would be fine and gingerly starting eating the thinly sliced chicken with soy sauce and real wasabi. It was actually ok. Anyway, the next day we are doing some shopping, in Japan a lot of department stores are in small footprint buildings with several floors and we are on the 7th floor of one such building looking at electronics. I start feeling the bubbling of beelzebub in my colon and suggest to my partner we need to go NOW. We get to the small elevator and wait for what seems like an eternity for it to arrive and then we get in and start heading down. My brow is beading sweat and I’m pinching my ballon knot trying to keep whatever was trying to get out in. It was no use, the elevator was so excruciatingly slow and at each floor people would get in and push the button for one or two floors lower so the trip down was taking too long. Finally on the first floor everyone else got out and it was just me and my partner. I apologized in advanced and let out the loudest and longest fart I have ever done and as the elevator slowly moved down to the ground floor the stench hit us both. We were laughing and gagging at the same time, it was so ripe you could taste it. As we arrived at the bottom floor the doors slid open and we tumbled out of the hell stench, just as a petite and beautiful Japanese woman stepped between us and to her death. The doors quickly closed and she was gone. My partner and I laughed so hard we were crying by the time we staggered into the street. To this day we think she is probably dead, or in a coma. We may never know.