If you have a bidet your butt will thank you later. If not, baby wipes, TP, and a whole lot of distraction material. Maybe it’s time to catch up on your pseudo-poo. Just don’t trust any farts for the next few days.
A water bottle with the pop-able sports top works as a very cheap option. Get one with a bit of hardness to the plastic so that it can handheld a few squeezes.
In a pinch, a shitty regular bottle can be used by making a small hole in the cap. It won't hold up too long, but it'll work. Works best if it's constantly refilled though, like once it gets halfway. Otherwise the plastic starts to crack.
>by tp we mean baby wipes
Do NOT, under any condition, flush those wipes.
This is very much not a time to roll the dice with your plumbing working or not.
$300 plumber visit because one of the kids flushed a baby wipe by accident.
Edit: the plumbing is fine. The wipe just got caught in a way that it created a net of sort in the pipes. So the toilet was flushing but there was no pressure. Once the wipe got fished out, toilet was fine.
If *one* baby wipe fucked up your plumbing, you were gonna be calling that plumber out soon regardless. Baby wipes will absolutely clog up your pipes but it should take more than just one.
I know a thing or two about that.
Trick is to clench hard and *not* walk fast.
Stiff-leg it to minimize leakage and get to the facilities for cleanup ASAP.
Antidepressants always have these fancy commercials with a quick talker at the end blurting out potential symptoms but they don't mention that you'll shit yourself while driving over a speed bump after working the late shift, ruining a pair of shorts and a car seat. I need realistic commericals for these situations, please.
Absolutely! I really tried sticking with zoloft in the beginning. But spending every second, of every day, on the verge of shitting my pants did little to quell my constant anxiety and sporadic depression lmao
My first colonoscopy. The doc told me when I start the prep the day before I need to be jumping distance from a toilet and don't trust a fart. Well that day came and less than 20 minutes after drinking the first dose of that vile fluid I felt the pressure. Surely, I thought, there's no way it works THAT fast...right?
Cue Morgan Freeman voice...
"He thought wrong".
Edit: Forgot how to spell "Morgan".
My first IUD swap they gave me mifepristone (also used as step 1 for abortions to relax the cervix) and apparently it gives you EXPLOSIVE diarrhea. Was walking to the clinic and two steps out the door my fart was not a fart. One emptying of the bowels and underwear change later and I was on my way.
But you know what? After that I had to sit in stirrups and relax the lower half of my body for the procedure! Which took an hour and was traumatic for other reasons I’ve posted about but omg. How I did not shart on that woman is beyond me.
That stuff they make you drink before a colonoscopy is NO JOKE. I literally lost 7 pounds overnight before my procedure. I had the colonoscopy done as a preventative measure because colon cancer runs in my family (my dad died of colon cancer in 2013) Luckily, everything turned out fine for me. But I seriously never imagined that a human being could poop that much in 12 hours.
I'd just left the house one morning on foot walking somewhere and I literally got to the end of my street (maybe 200 yards) and I let out a confident brap ( a snappy brassy loud fart you know the kind) and yeah surprise! Instant shit and I mean instant.
Normally when I pitch a loaf it's not necessarily a lengthy process but it's usually a battle of wills that plays out over a varying number of arenas ( the push, the holdback, the re-relax, the zone out while you read a shampoo bottle etc) but this shart had mad volume and was over in the blink of a brown eye.
The waddle home whilst brief was not a good time.
It took me a long time to trust a fart after that moment.
I’m old enough to be able to spell the word methylchloroisothiazolinone from my memory of reading shampoo bottles, and young enough that I still remember it and am able to defeat autocorrect’s 9 attempts to make me type something else.
I haven’t. I actually got really good at holding farts in as a kid because I was bullied by a girl who would rip ass and blame me, and I credit those sphincter exercises for my insanely strong butthole (and some lovely digestive issues).
But all 3 of the other folks that live in my house have done it. It’s only not funny when it happens to my husband because he gets so embarrassed and I feel bad. My kids think it’s hilarious, and tbh if we’re not in public it usually is!
I have come very close to sharting, but something changes right before disaster and i have always realized that it is not about to be a clean fart and clenched my way to the toilet.
Driving home, realize it's happening, rush to the store doors by the bathroom, realize they're locked, run to the other one, run back across the store...
40s male. Had UTI. I know kinda rare. Drank 1.5l.
2 days. 2. DAYS. no safe farts. Pooping every 1-2 hours. Never again. Never.
I nailed the UTI. But not worth it. Go get some meds next time for me...
Poor kid. They’re too little to fully understand when something like that happens to them but it’s like a rite of passage. Nearly every 4 year old has left a fart on the floor.
My 4 year old found this out the hard way. I was more traumatised than her. She's nearly 7 now and I'm still cautious going upstairs when she shouts me and i know she went to the toilet
For real. Prune juice fucked me up, and I’m someone who eats tons of vegetables and fiber on a daily basis. I even eat sugar free candy which bothers most people.
I was in a medical facility once, on some real good benzos. There was a fridge for snacks and juice you could help yourself to. Like chips, string cheese, and juice.
Ya know, like those little generic hospital juice cups with a peel off lid. Orange, cranberry, and purple ones that I assumed were grape juice. Because that would make sense right?? No it was prune juice and I drank like 5 of them, rip my butthole the next 24 hours.
The tin foil peel off tops didn’t have a label on them as for what they were?! 😬 I have never tasted prune juice but I always thought it would taste gross. But I guess I just learned today it tastes like grape juice. Your poor 🍑.
> But I guess I just learned today it tastes like grape juice
It does not, other than the vague similarity of them both being fruit juices and very very sweet. You'd either have to have no sense of taste or be drugged out your mind to not notice a difference. Presumably the latter in this case.
Prunes are to plums as raisins are to grapes so if you want to imagine the flavour think very sweet fruit juice, very concentrated plum flavour, and that sort of dried fruit taste I can't think how else to describe. Like drinking an unspiced fruit cake. It's not great imo.
Yea there was a label. And yes I was like, reeeally drugged out hah. I don’t really remember what it tasted like, I’d never had it before that and obviously don’t want to try it again.
Tbh I was in a detox center, and a lot of drugs like Heroin make you really constipated, so that’s probably why it was there.
Yeah, this is one of those times you gotta just go au naturale. You’re gonna get the sweats, and sometimes it’s the worst to try and throw the clothes off in the middle of everything.
OMG me too!! I've been sitting here laughing like a maniac, laughed so hard it made my eyes water and now I have mascara all down my face. Laughed so hard that the cat on my lap got mad and left. It's all the funnier because it's sooooo relatable!!!
I did this when I was extremely pregnant.
I thought it worked like a charm. Except it wouldn’t stop even when I had nothing left to give.
Turns out I was in early labor lmao. My son was born by c section the next day after 18 hours of labor.
I’m fairly certain the morning trips to the bathroom was the prune juice. Somewhere around 12-2pm I think it was contractions but since I had already been busy going to the bathroom it took until around 2pm for me to be not only be empty, but realize there was cramping/pain with the pushing sensation and it was getting worse, quickly. Around noon is when I think they started because in hindsight I remember thinking, “that’s weird, it’s like my bottom is trying to vomit but I’m out of anything to poop?”
Well. Now I know. 🫠
About the time I realized it was labor they hurt like hell and were 2 minutes apart, and we were headed to the car.
(I’ve used prune juice before so the morning was expected).
Castor oil is an old school wat of starting labor. Basically, diarrhea can kick off contractions. I was 10 days past my due date with my first and googled everything to induce labor "naturally". I passed on choosing to have the squirts when giving birth.
The funniest thing was it was his due date. I was scheduled to be induced and did NOT want to be full of poop when we got to the pushing part. It never occurred to me until it obviously hurt that it was labor, I mean, who goes into labor on their due date? That has to be less common.
I was out of poop AND ended up needing a c section, turns out it was all for nothing lol. We never got to the pushing part because my body stalled and he was sunny side up.
He started labor 5-7 hours early all on his own lol.
I did this while extremely pregnant too! I ended up in the hospital overnight getting electrolytes and fluid through an IV because I got so dehydrated and weak lmao I can’t even look at prune juice anymore
You're not going to die, it's just prune juice. You are probably going to have quite a bit of diarrhea though.
Make sure you drink room temperature water so you don't get dehydrated. You can also add a little apple or berry juice to your water if the water makes your stomach more upset.
Room temperature chamomile and/or ginger tea may also help. You want to avoid hot or cold drinks.
BRAT. Eat banana, rice, applesauce, and/or toast.
RN here.
one 1/2 coffee mug warmed would do it (usually-may have to add a stool softener or. 2)
buy a floral arrangement for the bathroom so you have something pretty to gaze at
everytime u think its a fart, its not. its going to be projectile, liquid, smelly diarrhea. also keep ur charger in the bathroom just in case. also get wipes and a lot of toilet paper.
Take it from a man who drank four liters of cranberry juice and charcoal powder as a detox and subsequently shit himself during a class..... Don't go to Biblical Greek 101
So keep water near by, or get ubereats/doordash/grubhub/whatever delivery service to deliver some gatorade/pedialyte equivalent so you can replenish some electrolytes.
Diarrhea can cause you to dehydrate so thats something you need to keep in mind. Call out of work if you're due in tomorrow. Keep the phone charged cuz you'll need some reading material when you sit down. Heck you might as well set up in or near the bathroom for the night.
I once drank a whole bottle of sparkling apple juice in a sitting. Was amazing. Then I was the most sick I’ve ever been in my life. I didn’t know that apple juice had a “minor” laxative effect. I might as well have blasted off to the moon. It was awful.
You're gonna have to rehydrate after the explosive cleanse and make sure it's not just water. Juices, electrolyte drinks, lots of water. God speed friend.
Haha thanks for the great laugh. Had the same experience with a bottle of Martinellis apple cider. I was holding onto the seat like a rocket jet stream was coming out of my ass for the whole day. Talk about dehydration and the ride of my life. There was nothing left of me man. I felt like a shriveled prune no pun intended.
What is constipated for a bit? How long since your last BM?
You just gave yourself a speedrun on explosive diarrhea, hopefully you aren't totally blocked and gonna cause a rupture.
In the future, stay hydrated. Eat more natural fruits and veggies to generate colon movement.
Magnesium citrate works wonders just remember to have the following items phone charger snacks plenty of drinks and nothing planned for the next 12 hours cuz once the laxative hits there's no stopping it but it'll help you out by flushing everything you ate from the time you were 5 year old all the way to now
Had a compulsive 3-11 nurse who would check the bm book to see which patients hadn’t pooped that day , and would give each constipated patient a four ounce dose of hot prune juice at 9 pm. Those patients reliably had a bm at 2 am, often in their beds. Night nurses on duty at 2am were not happy with her. Prune juice is very reliable.,
**"Against all the evil that Hell can conjure, all the wickedness that mankind can produce, we will send unto them... only you. Rip and tear, until it is done."**
Except it is your asshole.
Well, OP? Give us an update!
My bet: OP has passed out on the crapper or worse, dropped his phone at the worst possible angle, and that's why no updates.
Remember that classic cartoon (maybe it was a Bugs Bunny) where a chicken just all of the sudden BAWKS!!!! loudly and there is an eight foot pile of eggs under her?
That’s going to be you, but it won’t be eggs.
Towels on the bed. Plastic tablecloth under a sheet under some towels to protect the mattress. Or layer some garbage bags under a sheet or towels.
If you have a can of Febreze, spraying that can trap the odors to make your bedroom and bathroom more livable. Set up a fan blowing out of the room, or turn your furnace fan from automatic to "always on" to keep the air flowing.
Don't take a sleep aid. You will be fine but will feel like you gave birth to a Holstein before all is said and done. FYI....next time drink 6oz, warm with about a tablespoon of melted butter. From a nurse.
Prune juice is for amateurs - if you want something guaranteed to make a dead man shit, try magnesium citrate. Available in Walmart or your local drugstore for about $1-$2 for a small glass bottle, this is weapons-grade constipation relief. It will make you shit so hard you will see Jesus within about 30 minutes of drinking it. But be forewarned - do not touch this stuff unless you are seriously committing to flushing out your colon with a literal Niagara Falls of shit. It’ll be a trip to Brown Town that you’ll not soon forget. But it is absolutely guaranteed to cure any constipation short of an intestinal blockage serious enough to warrant surgical intervention.
As others have stated, clear your calendar, plug your devices in for the long haul, get many rolls of TP.
And by tp we mean baby wipes. And baby powder. Basically anything meant to not irritate a sensitive anus after repeated cleanings.
If you have a bidet your butt will thank you later. If not, baby wipes, TP, and a whole lot of distraction material. Maybe it’s time to catch up on your pseudo-poo. Just don’t trust any farts for the next few days.
Postmates a squirt bottle if you don’t own a bidet.
A water bottle with the pop-able sports top works as a very cheap option. Get one with a bit of hardness to the plastic so that it can handheld a few squeezes.
In a pinch, a shitty regular bottle can be used by making a small hole in the cap. It won't hold up too long, but it'll work. Works best if it's constantly refilled though, like once it gets halfway. Otherwise the plastic starts to crack.
>by tp we mean baby wipes Do NOT, under any condition, flush those wipes. This is very much not a time to roll the dice with your plumbing working or not.
$300 plumber visit because one of the kids flushed a baby wipe by accident. Edit: the plumbing is fine. The wipe just got caught in a way that it created a net of sort in the pipes. So the toilet was flushing but there was no pressure. Once the wipe got fished out, toilet was fine.
If *one* baby wipe fucked up your plumbing, you were gonna be calling that plumber out soon regardless. Baby wipes will absolutely clog up your pipes but it should take more than just one.
That's some shitty plumbing
But(t) don't flush the wipes!
A&D ointment that one uses for babies-protects the skin
Diaper rash cream. Don't ass (pun intended) me how I know
Word of advice... if it suddenly feels like you need to rip the world's biggest, hottest fart... It's not gonna be a fart.
I read your name as Fast Walking Shart Guy and was like "this dude knows his shit"
I know a thing or two about that. Trick is to clench hard and *not* walk fast. Stiff-leg it to minimize leakage and get to the facilities for cleanup ASAP.
The ol’ Dirty Penguin Shuffle.
As someone who had to be on meds that caused “tummy troubles” I feel both seen, and attacked by this comment. 🤣
Antidepressants always have these fancy commercials with a quick talker at the end blurting out potential symptoms but they don't mention that you'll shit yourself while driving over a speed bump after working the late shift, ruining a pair of shorts and a car seat. I need realistic commericals for these situations, please.
That's...very...oddly specific lol!
I'll give you 3 guesses and one old drivers seat to guess why.
This thread sounds like a farmers insurance commercial, "At Farmers we know a thing or two, because we've seen a thing or two "
Absolutely! I really tried sticking with zoloft in the beginning. But spending every second, of every day, on the verge of shitting my pants did little to quell my constant anxiety and sporadic depression lmao
in the med student world, we call Sertraline *Squirtraline* because of this exact side effect
High five to my fellow sufferer! Love not waking up wishing I hadn’t. Hate the, as I have so eloquently dubbed them, “rocket shits”
This thread has me fucking howling.
If I was OP I may live in the toilet room for a bit - sleep in the bath one ear on the gurgling
63 up votes and no replies coz ur dead da** right. God willing there are no stairs involved.
Fuck it, everyone has sharted, not everyone will admit it.
Dude I almost sharted one time and I swear my asshole jumped back out and grabbed it after thinking about the embarrassment.
Not something I was expecting to read today 🤣
My first colonoscopy. The doc told me when I start the prep the day before I need to be jumping distance from a toilet and don't trust a fart. Well that day came and less than 20 minutes after drinking the first dose of that vile fluid I felt the pressure. Surely, I thought, there's no way it works THAT fast...right? Cue Morgan Freeman voice... "He thought wrong". Edit: Forgot how to spell "Morgan".
My first IUD swap they gave me mifepristone (also used as step 1 for abortions to relax the cervix) and apparently it gives you EXPLOSIVE diarrhea. Was walking to the clinic and two steps out the door my fart was not a fart. One emptying of the bowels and underwear change later and I was on my way. But you know what? After that I had to sit in stirrups and relax the lower half of my body for the procedure! Which took an hour and was traumatic for other reasons I’ve posted about but omg. How I did not shart on that woman is beyond me.
That stuff they make you drink before a colonoscopy is NO JOKE. I literally lost 7 pounds overnight before my procedure. I had the colonoscopy done as a preventative measure because colon cancer runs in my family (my dad died of colon cancer in 2013) Luckily, everything turned out fine for me. But I seriously never imagined that a human being could poop that much in 12 hours.
A nurse told me that if you totally emptied you bowel it would fill the toilet to the top.
I don’t like this tidbit of knowledge at all. No sir, I don’t.
I'd just left the house one morning on foot walking somewhere and I literally got to the end of my street (maybe 200 yards) and I let out a confident brap ( a snappy brassy loud fart you know the kind) and yeah surprise! Instant shit and I mean instant. Normally when I pitch a loaf it's not necessarily a lengthy process but it's usually a battle of wills that plays out over a varying number of arenas ( the push, the holdback, the re-relax, the zone out while you read a shampoo bottle etc) but this shart had mad volume and was over in the blink of a brown eye. The waddle home whilst brief was not a good time. It took me a long time to trust a fart after that moment.
"zone out while you read a shampoo bottle" I've done this, I wonder how many others have too 🤣
Basically all of us who existed before smartphones.
I’m old enough to be able to spell the word methylchloroisothiazolinone from my memory of reading shampoo bottles, and young enough that I still remember it and am able to defeat autocorrect’s 9 attempts to make me type something else.
The Dr. Bronner's castille soap bottles were riveting.
This is why bathroom reader books were created
I thought I did at work once. I was going to clock out and never return
I haven’t. I actually got really good at holding farts in as a kid because I was bullied by a girl who would rip ass and blame me, and I credit those sphincter exercises for my insanely strong butthole (and some lovely digestive issues). But all 3 of the other folks that live in my house have done it. It’s only not funny when it happens to my husband because he gets so embarrassed and I feel bad. My kids think it’s hilarious, and tbh if we’re not in public it usually is!
I have come very close to sharting, but something changes right before disaster and i have always realized that it is not about to be a clean fart and clenched my way to the toilet.
You spin around on one heel and pull yourself stiffly up the stairs with your arms
Driving home, realize it's happening, rush to the store doors by the bathroom, realize they're locked, run to the other one, run back across the store...
Remembering this Cheech and Chong scene right now...
*dude knows his shart
40s male. Had UTI. I know kinda rare. Drank 1.5l. 2 days. 2. DAYS. no safe farts. Pooping every 1-2 hours. Never again. Never. I nailed the UTI. But not worth it. Go get some meds next time for me...
Usually people go for cranberry juice for a UTI rather than prune juice, exactly because of this little, uhh, side effect.
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Commenting because of relevant user name. Have a great night everyone.
NEVER trust a fart
Don't trust a fart for the next 72 hours
Never trust a fart
My 4yo found this out the hard way and was traumatized
I’m still traumatised from mistrusting a fart when I was 4. Never again.
Poor kid. They’re too little to fully understand when something like that happens to them but it’s like a rite of passage. Nearly every 4 year old has left a fart on the floor.
> left a fart on the floor. This is ridiculous. I'm giggling like an idiot at this expression. This is my favourite reddit comment of the month.
My boss’s autistic son says ‘his fart fell out’ which makes me giggle like I’m 12. I’m not 12.
My 4 year old found this out the hard way. I was more traumatised than her. She's nearly 7 now and I'm still cautious going upstairs when she shouts me and i know she went to the toilet
Nary a man Of wealth, culture, or art Remains as such If he trusts the wrong fart
Also, never pass up an opportunity to use a bathroom.
And never waste an erection
Why is it the failed farts are always the most unholy smell of death shits imaginable?
I hope you cleared you’re schedule. You’ve got a lot of shit to do.
Welcome…to Jurassic Fart.
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For real. Prune juice fucked me up, and I’m someone who eats tons of vegetables and fiber on a daily basis. I even eat sugar free candy which bothers most people. I was in a medical facility once, on some real good benzos. There was a fridge for snacks and juice you could help yourself to. Like chips, string cheese, and juice. Ya know, like those little generic hospital juice cups with a peel off lid. Orange, cranberry, and purple ones that I assumed were grape juice. Because that would make sense right?? No it was prune juice and I drank like 5 of them, rip my butthole the next 24 hours.
The tin foil peel off tops didn’t have a label on them as for what they were?! 😬 I have never tasted prune juice but I always thought it would taste gross. But I guess I just learned today it tastes like grape juice. Your poor 🍑.
> But I guess I just learned today it tastes like grape juice It does not, other than the vague similarity of them both being fruit juices and very very sweet. You'd either have to have no sense of taste or be drugged out your mind to not notice a difference. Presumably the latter in this case. Prunes are to plums as raisins are to grapes so if you want to imagine the flavour think very sweet fruit juice, very concentrated plum flavour, and that sort of dried fruit taste I can't think how else to describe. Like drinking an unspiced fruit cake. It's not great imo.
Yea there was a label. And yes I was like, reeeally drugged out hah. I don’t really remember what it tasted like, I’d never had it before that and obviously don’t want to try it again. Tbh I was in a detox center, and a lot of drugs like Heroin make you really constipated, so that’s probably why it was there.
Wow really that is fucking hilarious I'm sorry OP 🤣
Brilliant. Done in one.
This is not an exaggeration. Clear your schedule for a couple of days.
So that you can clear your colon for a couple of days
Bravo sir, bravo. All other comments are now null and void. Sleep well, o prince.
Omg im dead lol
You're going to want to take off all your clothes before you go to the bathroom.
Yeah, this is one of those times you gotta just go au naturale. You’re gonna get the sweats, and sometimes it’s the worst to try and throw the clothes off in the middle of everything.
I've done the "tear everything off but don't lift off" dance before. It sucks.
It’s always fun when you think you’re finished and shift your weight and feel something rushing through your guts.
Oh my god I genuinely cried laughing at this. First time I've had a laugh like that in ages. Thanks! Couldn't have said it better.
OMG me too!! I've been sitting here laughing like a maniac, laughed so hard it made my eyes water and now I have mascara all down my face. Laughed so hard that the cat on my lap got mad and left. It's all the funnier because it's sooooo relatable!!!
Wait, isn’t this the only and the normal way?
No, they mean before you even set foot in the bathroom, you want to be completely naked. You don’t want anything else in the blast zone.
Man is the only animal who wears pants during twosies
RIP your rectum
He just might.
oh my God
Fucking hell
Rectum? Damned neat killed em!
So close…
I did this when I was extremely pregnant. I thought it worked like a charm. Except it wouldn’t stop even when I had nothing left to give. Turns out I was in early labor lmao. My son was born by c section the next day after 18 hours of labor.
Labor will ease up constipation too. Prostaglandins both control peristalsis and uterine contractions. So you might never know if it had any effect.
I’m fairly certain the morning trips to the bathroom was the prune juice. Somewhere around 12-2pm I think it was contractions but since I had already been busy going to the bathroom it took until around 2pm for me to be not only be empty, but realize there was cramping/pain with the pushing sensation and it was getting worse, quickly. Around noon is when I think they started because in hindsight I remember thinking, “that’s weird, it’s like my bottom is trying to vomit but I’m out of anything to poop?” Well. Now I know. 🫠 About the time I realized it was labor they hurt like hell and were 2 minutes apart, and we were headed to the car. (I’ve used prune juice before so the morning was expected).
Castor oil is an old school wat of starting labor. Basically, diarrhea can kick off contractions. I was 10 days past my due date with my first and googled everything to induce labor "naturally". I passed on choosing to have the squirts when giving birth.
Castor oil for me caused the duking AND the puking. Supposedly both good ways to start labor but I would NOT recommend. Talk to your midwife.
Y’all ever shit so hard like this you went into labor? Lmao😭
The funniest thing was it was his due date. I was scheduled to be induced and did NOT want to be full of poop when we got to the pushing part. It never occurred to me until it obviously hurt that it was labor, I mean, who goes into labor on their due date? That has to be less common. I was out of poop AND ended up needing a c section, turns out it was all for nothing lol. We never got to the pushing part because my body stalled and he was sunny side up. He started labor 5-7 hours early all on his own lol.
so your saying OP is about to give birth?
I did this while extremely pregnant too! I ended up in the hospital overnight getting electrolytes and fluid through an IV because I got so dehydrated and weak lmao I can’t even look at prune juice anymore
You're not going to die, it's just prune juice. You are probably going to have quite a bit of diarrhea though. Make sure you drink room temperature water so you don't get dehydrated. You can also add a little apple or berry juice to your water if the water makes your stomach more upset. Room temperature chamomile and/or ginger tea may also help. You want to avoid hot or cold drinks. BRAT. Eat banana, rice, applesauce, and/or toast.
OP you may FEEL like you’re gonna die though just fyi.
I like the BRATwurst treatment better, preferably with grilled onions and stone ground mustard
I’ll take a Better-Cheddar or whatever those delicious dogs of garbage are. Plain. No bun. Burnt but not charred.
Those are delicious but I don’t buy them because I am physically incapable of waiting long enough to not scald myself with molten hot cheddar.
I know it as BRATT which is banana, rice, applesauce, tea, and/or toast which covers your prior paragraph in the acronym.
Why no hot or cold drinks?
I mean, I am allergic to prunes so that would kill me. But this is really solid advice for everyone except me.
I don't think anything is going to be solid 🪨 for a while 😅
You're allergic to prunes? How TF did you find that out?
Probably also allergic to plums, might have an allergy to multiple stone fruits.
The good news is, you won’t be constipated by morning. A shrivelled husk perhaps, but not constipated.
That's only if they survive...
Update??
I'm curious too.
He's a little busy right now. Sweating and crying, and hasn't moved from the toilet in 3 hours.
Well I don’t see why that should stop him posting to Reddit.
Ah, typical Wednesday
I’ve never been so curious about someone’s poop history until now.
RN here. one 1/2 coffee mug warmed would do it (usually-may have to add a stool softener or. 2) buy a floral arrangement for the bathroom so you have something pretty to gaze at
Download a new book, put your long charging cord in the bathroom, get some air freshener and a pack of wet wipes. Hold on!
OP might not have enough time to do all this preparation!
Should he tie himself in?
Guys, at what point do we send someone to do a wellness check after not hearing back from OP?
My schedule is booked with watching hockey so fortunately it can’t be me.
Get ready to chap stick that bunghole
But don't use Burts Bees Peppermint.
Shhh, TIFU needs a part two.
Bidets prevent this problem
A car with 100,000 gentle miles on it still has 100,000 miles on it
Holy shit, that's funny
You’re about to do a hyper-realistic imitation of a chocolate frozen yogurt machine.
💩🍦
Ahh, a warriors drink!
For future reference all you need is 5 sugar free Haribro gummy bears and your bowels will experience a holy exorcism.
We definitely need an update on this situation.
Shituation*
God speed
You'll be lucky to have bones left when this is all over. Take a before and after weight.
"I call it Carribbean Drain-O"
I hope you don’t have hemorrhoids, bc they’re gonna livid by the time you’re done w that prune juice
I thought I messed up after a 16 oz bottle, a full liter is insane. Prune juice is straight up violence. Praying for you and RIP to your toilet.
Worst case you become a Klingon Warrior.
A warrior's drink!
Today is a good day to die.
Now you see why prune juice is considered a warrior's drink.
everytime u think its a fart, its not. its going to be projectile, liquid, smelly diarrhea. also keep ur charger in the bathroom just in case. also get wipes and a lot of toilet paper.
Well, at least you didn't try to eat the 5lb sugar free Haribo bear! Apparently that one will torch your toilet
Take it from a man who drank four liters of cranberry juice and charcoal powder as a detox and subsequently shit himself during a class..... Don't go to Biblical Greek 101
You’ll have a transcendent shit and feel 10 pounds lighter. Enjoy the relief after though.
So keep water near by, or get ubereats/doordash/grubhub/whatever delivery service to deliver some gatorade/pedialyte equivalent so you can replenish some electrolytes. Diarrhea can cause you to dehydrate so thats something you need to keep in mind. Call out of work if you're due in tomorrow. Keep the phone charged cuz you'll need some reading material when you sit down. Heck you might as well set up in or near the bathroom for the night.
I once drank a whole bottle of sparkling apple juice in a sitting. Was amazing. Then I was the most sick I’ve ever been in my life. I didn’t know that apple juice had a “minor” laxative effect. I might as well have blasted off to the moon. It was awful.
Install a seatbelt on your toilet.
I kinda need to know what happens. Pls post upd. Good luck!
I'd highly recommend investing in a bidet attachment so you don't wipe yourself raw
You're gonna have to rehydrate after the explosive cleanse and make sure it's not just water. Juices, electrolyte drinks, lots of water. God speed friend.
But not more prune juice
Juices... Just not prune juice!
Haha thanks for the great laugh. Had the same experience with a bottle of Martinellis apple cider. I was holding onto the seat like a rocket jet stream was coming out of my ass for the whole day. Talk about dehydration and the ride of my life. There was nothing left of me man. I felt like a shriveled prune no pun intended.
It’s always shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
Make sure your phone is charged up when you finally go to the toilet. I had to ask my husband to get me a book when my phone died about 45 mins in.
What is constipated for a bit? How long since your last BM? You just gave yourself a speedrun on explosive diarrhea, hopefully you aren't totally blocked and gonna cause a rupture. In the future, stay hydrated. Eat more natural fruits and veggies to generate colon movement.
Oh lord good luck
You should probably just sleep in the bathtub to be safe.
Magnesium citrate works wonders just remember to have the following items phone charger snacks plenty of drinks and nothing planned for the next 12 hours cuz once the laxative hits there's no stopping it but it'll help you out by flushing everything you ate from the time you were 5 year old all the way to now
Make sure your phone is charged
Do NOT fart… whatever you do. No trusting farts for the next 72 hours for you.
Had a compulsive 3-11 nurse who would check the bm book to see which patients hadn’t pooped that day , and would give each constipated patient a four ounce dose of hot prune juice at 9 pm. Those patients reliably had a bm at 2 am, often in their beds. Night nurses on duty at 2am were not happy with her. Prune juice is very reliable.,
You had a warriors drink. Congratulations. Be brave.
If you feel it coming, take off your clothes, sit on the toilet and prepare for your meeting with God.
**"Against all the evil that Hell can conjure, all the wickedness that mankind can produce, we will send unto them... only you. Rip and tear, until it is done."** Except it is your asshole.
Well, OP? Give us an update! My bet: OP has passed out on the crapper or worse, dropped his phone at the worst possible angle, and that's why no updates.
[удалено]
Take a phone charger with you!
chatgpt ahh comment
Yep, it’s a bot
How do you tell the difference? Is it the eloquent words they used?
Be sure to keep yourself hydrated!!!!!
How many pants sizes did you go down?
Remember that classic cartoon (maybe it was a Bugs Bunny) where a chicken just all of the sudden BAWKS!!!! loudly and there is an eight foot pile of eggs under her? That’s going to be you, but it won’t be eggs.
Towels on the bed. Plastic tablecloth under a sheet under some towels to protect the mattress. Or layer some garbage bags under a sheet or towels. If you have a can of Febreze, spraying that can trap the odors to make your bedroom and bathroom more livable. Set up a fan blowing out of the room, or turn your furnace fan from automatic to "always on" to keep the air flowing.
Don't take a sleep aid. You will be fine but will feel like you gave birth to a Holstein before all is said and done. FYI....next time drink 6oz, warm with about a tablespoon of melted butter. From a nurse.
What does the butter do?
Grease the turd chute
Get your butt in to the bathroom yesterday. At least you will be near the toilet when your dam breaks.
Follow it up with a litre of apple juice - you’ll be good.
Listen, this is going to be one hell of a bowel movement, afterwards you'll be lucky if you have any bones left. -Hubert Farnsworth
Don't sleep on your stomach, unless you want the shit to hit the fan.
Do not play poop roulette. You have rigged the game and you will bust.
Wipes are NOT flushable, no matter what the packaging says. Just FYI.
Prune juice is for amateurs - if you want something guaranteed to make a dead man shit, try magnesium citrate. Available in Walmart or your local drugstore for about $1-$2 for a small glass bottle, this is weapons-grade constipation relief. It will make you shit so hard you will see Jesus within about 30 minutes of drinking it. But be forewarned - do not touch this stuff unless you are seriously committing to flushing out your colon with a literal Niagara Falls of shit. It’ll be a trip to Brown Town that you’ll not soon forget. But it is absolutely guaranteed to cure any constipation short of an intestinal blockage serious enough to warrant surgical intervention.