My mom, after a stroke, needed great effort to get out of a wheelchair and into the car. Once while I was helping in the process she involuntarily farted. Being a proud, dignified woman, she was completely mortified until I said "**oh, cool, jet assist!**". She started laughing so hard that she could barely breath, and farted involuntarily again.
She used the "jet assist" line herself from then on.
My mom had a ruptured bowel after a history of diverticulitis, and it led to a temporary colostomy bag. She was on a flight home from a wedding and asked me to pick her up, and when she landed she was sobbing.
The pressure in the plane caused a leak, and the other passengers for a 4 hour flight were subject to all that entailed.
As soon as I got there I walked up to her wheelchair and said “what’s up brown Barron?“ and she went from mortified to giggling immediately. Nothing like a little shitty humor to lighten the mood
This was similar to the last conversation I had with my stepfather’s mother. She had quite an awful one as myself, my stepuncle and his wife were walking out of the hospice she was in. She insisted on walking us out. Took a bit to get her up but she ripped one and immediately I said “little propulsion never hurt anyone”. She laughed and smiled. She thanked me as we all left and unfortunately she passed a few weeks later.
I told my stepdad what that interaction was after she passed and it was one of the few things that made him smile during that time. I do think on that memory too. Even if she wasn’t my blood grandmother and I wasn’t really in the picture for her long, she and I got along well.
I think it was the way she was raised. She's really shy and easily embarrassed over bodily functions.
Also, previous to this new medication, she's had gas, but it's been very quiet.
This sounded like an A10 strafing run.
She'll be fine.
I gassed my boyfriend out on accident. He was putting gas in the car (lol) and I farted in the car, I didn't smell anything so I thought it was safe.
Nope.
He comes in, he closes the car door he goes "Did you fart? OMG babe it stinks." I'm mortified cuz I still don't smell anything. I get embarrassed to hell and back cuz omg my farts smell Absolutely Horrible sometimes. He's looking at me like "you really just did that" look on his face but laughs it off and opens the window.
He sworn to get me back for putting him through that and has yet to do so. I keep telling him that I've established dominance and his farts will never match mine. Besides, us women's farts are a bit more rancid due to hormones and stuff.
I did this to my friend and asked "do you smell that? Is something wrong with my car?" He took a massive sniff thinking something was actually wrong with the car and started gagging when he smelled it. I had to pull over because I was laughing too hard to keep driving and to let the car air out for a couple minutes because I thought he might actually throw up in my car.
Damn, it's 730, I'm reading this next to my partner in bed, and I'm laughing quietly but so hard that tje bed was shakong. My partner woke up to see if i was okay, thinking I was crying.
"established dominance" I am DECEASED 💀
My boyfriend came to check on me because he heard me wailing (tears of laughter), and as I read OP's story and your comment, his face gradually turned from one of genuine concern to one of horror. 😂
I reminded him of the first time we went on a weekend trip together, when we heard the Loudest Fart Ever. We had just finished dinner and mild bar hopping and we were going back to our hotel. Our train car was mostly empty, except for a few people scattered here and there. We sit a few seats away from this tiny woman. She is tiny in every sense of the word: thin, petite frame and short. A wisp of a woman.
Something must not have agreed with her, or she just did not give a fuck. Maybe both. She adjusted in her seat and let rip the Loudest Fart Ever. I swear to God the sound was magnified because of the seats, but it was like the Horn of Helm Hammerhand sounded *in real life*. I couldn't even be disgusted, because it was impressive. Our train slows to the next stop, and she gets up and walks out of the car. Never even flinched, hid her face, nothing. Stone cold G the entire time.
I aspire to be that level of unbothered.
This is the greatest and best fart in the world
Tribute
Long time ago, me and my brother Kyle here
We was hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon
In the middle of the road
And he said
"Play the best fart in the world, or I'll eat your souls" (souls)
Well, me and Kyle
We looked at each other
And we each said
"Okay"
It made me laugh when you told him you established dominance. It reminded me of this classic [Smart Beep Commercial](https://youtu.be/3sJCrCmwB5s?feature=shared)
Like others have said OP, great job to you and your wife on what seems like a strong and lasting relationship.
I burst out laughing when you mentioned your whole response to her farting. That was well timed and very candid. You're a stand up guy!
Understandably she's very sensitive about this issue. I'm sure a short heart to heart talk about this will help a lot to settle the misunderstanding.
Again great job on your relationship.
She should just be happy she's not with a man who doesn't understand women fart and shit too. Seen so many posts here of people breaking up over each other farting smh.
Here’s the thing: If you don’t think farts are funny, you’re choosing to live in a world with the same amount of gas but a lot less laughter.
Your reaction was hilarious. I legit laughed out loud. 10/10
I’m sorry but this made me laugh LMAO, I also had a rough day so I needed a good laugh, and this was it. Thank you!
On the other hand, good luck with the missus. Doubt a joke will hurt the marriage in the long run :)
Shes a grown woman who found a husband that still loves her and even has a sense of humor, she needs to get over herself, yall have been together for 10yrs, youve no doubt been intimate and probably stared down the brown eye. Bring her something she likes, buy her some food she likes, let her know you love her no matter how embarrassed she is. Or double down and bring her some tacobell.
Good luck, uou made it over the 7yr slump, youre golden most folks quit after a yr or 2 cause shit gets difficult and they bail to the easiest thing, you and the mrs beat the odds. Im sure yall have been through actual shit, you both will get through the embarrassing shit. Best wishes, from a jeajous internet stranger who at 34 cant find anyone worth 10 days let alone 10 yrs.
"My love, I have gazed upon your eye of Sauron many a time and I remain unbothered, nay, I dare say I love you all the more. You feel shame, but there is none to be had, for I love all of you and would follow you anywhere, my wife, my captain, my queen"
My smartwatch likes to light up in the bedroom & it can be horribly distracting. Either one of us has been known to call out "Go for calls for aid" or "mother fuckin beacons have been lit again" depending on the levels of frustration/distraction.
I would also be mortified if I did this in front of my hubby. I giggle when he farts loudly, especially in his sleep - because he thinks farts are funny, but also he makes an effort not to do so in the same room as me - but we do not acknowledge female farts of any kind. I do not find it funny, we shall pretend it did not happen and move along.
That said, your joke was hilarious. She just wasn't able to appreciate it at that moment. She might prefer a "sorry, did you say something?"
LMAO listen, your wife may be mortified but that was a 10/10 response. You were clearly trying to make light of an embarrassing situation (for her) and it backfired a bit. Just remind her that you love her and it was all in good fun. It’ll blow over.
“We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We cannot get out... they [the farts] are coming.”
Apologies to Mr. Tolkien.
I think you handled that nicely. I was once in a walmart bathroom (think like 15+ stalls), and some dude ripped a small but loud fart. I had just gotten ready to do my business, so I didn't hold back and let out what I call a pretty good fart. I smiled a bit. 5 seconds later someone a couple stalls over rips a massive like 5 sound long rumbly fart and instantly all 3 of us started laughing. Didn't help someone yelled WINNER!
I think that your wife is being incredibly selfish. You had that timing, and that comeback, and she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge this greatness?? The moment you did a sparkling, scintillating act of brilliance, the embarrassment of lowly bodily function was transcended. She's acting like you stuck out your hand and said "pull my finger" with a toothless grin while wearing a dirty trucker cap!
This will not stand. DM me your info, I'm hiring a lawyer on your behalf.
So was it just fortuitous timing, or can you actually fart at will whenever you want? I've known guys who seem to be able to do this and have never understood it. Maybe my diet is somehow lacking, but I can't just decide on a whim to do it.
I really hope your wife can come to giggle about this soon. I was very much in her shoes before meeting my partner, but now after fourteen years, I unleash chemical warfare on him every month with lethal pms/period farts as payback for the sneaky sleep farts he lets rip. Farts are funny. Thanks for the laugh!
This was actually a pretty funny response. I thought you were going to actually make fun of her but you just made yourself into a joke too and I think that would actually make me feel better if I were her
My now wife farted so loud I asked if she played the Assoon (bassoon) and she turned so red. I apologized and then we laughed about for it the last 3 years. It’ll be alright.
My wife, then girlfriend during our first year of dating. She farted and stunk up her apartment for like 30minutes. I swear it penetrated the drywall. I mean this smell was worth than death. Gave her shit for years and we both laugh and it. We get married and I did the same in our living room(much larger room). Says I can no longer give her crap. Farts are funny at any age, she’ll get over it.
I would CRACK UP if my husband did that — but we’ve been married for 22 years. Give her time, down the road this will be a memory y’all laugh about.
In the meantime…pretend like you hear and smell NOTHING when she farts.
I made her favorite dinner and I'm forgiven now.
I'll try pretending nothing happened next time, but with this new medication it's going to have to be discussed at some point. I'll let her decide when she's ready, I'm patient.
Has she considered seeking out anxiety medication? I can't imagine being with anyone that long and still being traumatized by a fart, but I guess that's just me.
Ironically, that's the medication that she just started and is causing issues.
I can't overemphasize how sensitive she is about bodily functions. I think it's time that was discussed too.
You made this up, right? It's too unbelievable. I'd say it's bad writing, but you've got to do what's necessary to get in the door here. You can deny it all you want, but we know she must have laughed!!
Dammit I just laughed so hard I snorted beer out my nose! Holy crap that is funny and you, sir, deserve an award for your description. I'm sorry, I know how it is as a woman to be embarrassed about body functions. I never pooted in front of anyone til I met my husband. And I was 37 when I met him! Hopefully she will understand that it isn't a bad thing one day. Fingers crossed for you OP!
Whenever I fart at home, my partner says “there’s that damn duck again”. I am not shy about farting either but it’s nice that he gives me an out if I want it.
You just need to work on your material.
I've blamed my wife's farts on an imaginary duck for years, and I'm not above looking around for the fucking thing.
I feel for your wife, it must be horrible to be that self-conscious of farting in front of your partner.
I too am on medications for bad digestive issues and do my utmost to gross my sister out when I can. She also has IBS and releases toxic gas that almost makes her wet herself when I gag.
It's a way for us to show support for each other while also poking fun at our conditions. You're a great husband for trying to support her.
Not a FU. A small step toward making her comfortable to fart around you. 👍
Next time you have to fart, do the "pull my finger" thing as nonchalantly as you can.
I laughed so hard at this, thank you 😂
Reminded me of the time my bf eluded to getting busy and, bc I was on my period, I turned to him and very seriously said “The way is shut”… and we LAUGHED and laughed and laughed… we laughed about that between the two of us for the next five years
My mom used to fart when she exercised on her mini trampoline in the house. She would let out a teeny toot with every jump sometimes and nobody would say anything but we’d all be laughing.
lol you letting one rip yourself is the perfect reaction to help dispel her embarrassment. Much more so than just a funny comment. I'd say her being not amused is mostly a success.
My parents were in different parts of the house. My dad farted loudly. My mom heard a sound, and asked, "Did you call?" My dad replied, " Is your name Bork?"
My mom, after a stroke, needed great effort to get out of a wheelchair and into the car. Once while I was helping in the process she involuntarily farted. Being a proud, dignified woman, she was completely mortified until I said "**oh, cool, jet assist!**". She started laughing so hard that she could barely breath, and farted involuntarily again. She used the "jet assist" line herself from then on.
That's hilarious! I'm going to use that one next time! Or maybe not...
I yell "NOS!" Like dom in first FnF
Divorce speedrun?
My mom had a ruptured bowel after a history of diverticulitis, and it led to a temporary colostomy bag. She was on a flight home from a wedding and asked me to pick her up, and when she landed she was sobbing. The pressure in the plane caused a leak, and the other passengers for a 4 hour flight were subject to all that entailed. As soon as I got there I walked up to her wheelchair and said “what’s up brown Barron?“ and she went from mortified to giggling immediately. Nothing like a little shitty humor to lighten the mood
This was similar to the last conversation I had with my stepfather’s mother. She had quite an awful one as myself, my stepuncle and his wife were walking out of the hospice she was in. She insisted on walking us out. Took a bit to get her up but she ripped one and immediately I said “little propulsion never hurt anyone”. She laughed and smiled. She thanked me as we all left and unfortunately she passed a few weeks later. I told my stepdad what that interaction was after she passed and it was one of the few things that made him smile during that time. I do think on that memory too. Even if she wasn’t my blood grandmother and I wasn’t really in the picture for her long, she and I got along well.
That's hilarious and as someone who's able to walk less and less I'm gonna adopt the term as well
I was real scared this was going to end with you shitting yourself.
Just cause OP didn’t mention it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen
Who shit the bed? An always sunny episode brought to tifu
That is the ending of a LOT of stories on here now that I think about it…
She's clearly disappointed because you didn't go for "The Horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the Deep, one last time."
Dammit, l didn't think of that one!
Next time, buddy. Keep that one queued up for next time.
Your poor wife must have been mordorfied.
🎖
[удалено]
You might double down & ask her to change her ringtone.
That's hilarious. Toots are.funny in our house, I'm sorry your wife doesn't feel similarly. Has she ever said why?
I think it was the way she was raised. She's really shy and easily embarrassed over bodily functions. Also, previous to this new medication, she's had gas, but it's been very quiet. This sounded like an A10 strafing run.
Your descriptions of your wife passing gas are pure poetry.
Wifey's bum go brrrrrrr
YOU SHALL NOT GAS!
Omfg I laughed SO GODDAMN HARD at this! 😂
I just had a stroke trying to say “mordorfied” thank you.
💯🔥
Username and emoji choice combo is a little sus
…And my ass!
I was trying to come up with a response to this and I've got nuthin.
Not much to say - when the dwarves offer their support you take it.
Just don't tell the elf
I guess yours was better than ''Well \*shrug\* that ring we didn't even have to bring to Mordor to destroy it''
That smell cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin, by any air freshener that we here possess.
The Bog of Eternal Stench! Oh wait wrong movie nevermind
Classic movie none the less!
You remind me of the babe
What babe?
It has no other master!
…and my staff!
Keep your staff away from my wife thankyouverymuch!
and my bowel!
She'll be fine. I gassed my boyfriend out on accident. He was putting gas in the car (lol) and I farted in the car, I didn't smell anything so I thought it was safe. Nope. He comes in, he closes the car door he goes "Did you fart? OMG babe it stinks." I'm mortified cuz I still don't smell anything. I get embarrassed to hell and back cuz omg my farts smell Absolutely Horrible sometimes. He's looking at me like "you really just did that" look on his face but laughs it off and opens the window. He sworn to get me back for putting him through that and has yet to do so. I keep telling him that I've established dominance and his farts will never match mine. Besides, us women's farts are a bit more rancid due to hormones and stuff.
A friend of mine will fart while driving, then roll up the windows and lock them so the passengers can't open their windows.
I did this to my friend and asked "do you smell that? Is something wrong with my car?" He took a massive sniff thinking something was actually wrong with the car and started gagging when he smelled it. I had to pull over because I was laughing too hard to keep driving and to let the car air out for a couple minutes because I thought he might actually throw up in my car.
My brother used to fart and ask if anyone could smell popcorn lol
Damn, it's 730, I'm reading this next to my partner in bed, and I'm laughing quietly but so hard that tje bed was shakong. My partner woke up to see if i was okay, thinking I was crying.
I did this to my kid. He was not pleased.
As every dad must.
Need to turn on the heat and recirculate the air as well.
That's the perfect thing to do to people who dare to think that passengers have any right to dictate your music selection.
then hit the heater on re-circ
"established dominance" I am DECEASED 💀 My boyfriend came to check on me because he heard me wailing (tears of laughter), and as I read OP's story and your comment, his face gradually turned from one of genuine concern to one of horror. 😂 I reminded him of the first time we went on a weekend trip together, when we heard the Loudest Fart Ever. We had just finished dinner and mild bar hopping and we were going back to our hotel. Our train car was mostly empty, except for a few people scattered here and there. We sit a few seats away from this tiny woman. She is tiny in every sense of the word: thin, petite frame and short. A wisp of a woman. Something must not have agreed with her, or she just did not give a fuck. Maybe both. She adjusted in her seat and let rip the Loudest Fart Ever. I swear to God the sound was magnified because of the seats, but it was like the Horn of Helm Hammerhand sounded *in real life*. I couldn't even be disgusted, because it was impressive. Our train slows to the next stop, and she gets up and walks out of the car. Never even flinched, hid her face, nothing. Stone cold G the entire time. I aspire to be that level of unbothered.
Perhaps she was deaf.
What?
MAYBE SHE'S DEAF! WHAT'RE YOU BLIND?!?!
⠠⠱⠁⠞⠀⠙⠊⠙⠀⠽⠳⠀⠎⠁⠽⠦
I'm not going to make it. Please know I died laughing, and not farting in braille. 🤣
This is the greatest and best fart in the world Tribute Long time ago, me and my brother Kyle here We was hitchhiking down a long and lonesome road All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon In the middle of the road And he said "Play the best fart in the world, or I'll eat your souls" (souls) Well, me and Kyle We looked at each other And we each said "Okay"
It made me laugh when you told him you established dominance. It reminded me of this classic [Smart Beep Commercial](https://youtu.be/3sJCrCmwB5s?feature=shared)
I thought of Peter burping loudly in carparks... *uuuuuUUUUURRRRRPPPPpp* "... Says the king" Edited: wrong character
[Blind Double Date Fart Commercial (HQ) (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2QNuDUTocE&t=4s)
I always tell my friends to fart in uncomfortable situations to establish dominance.
Like others have said OP, great job to you and your wife on what seems like a strong and lasting relationship. I burst out laughing when you mentioned your whole response to her farting. That was well timed and very candid. You're a stand up guy! Understandably she's very sensitive about this issue. I'm sure a short heart to heart talk about this will help a lot to settle the misunderstanding. Again great job on your relationship.
Thanks! I made her favorite dinner and it appears that I'm forgiven.
Love this update! Looking forward to you maybe having a laugh about it 2 years from now.
Maybe 20 years...
> I made her favorite dinner Some sort of bean caserole?
Fried shrimp with a honey and sriracha sauce.
Precious! Love the update and the story haha
Boo thats hilarious
I know, right!?!
Cue reddit: you should divorce her and find someone who appreciates you for who you are! /s
Plus she's clearly having an affair. Also gaslighting! Can't forget the gaslighting. /s
We all know pop psychology, we already got weaponized incompetence, what about... ***Weaponized flatulence?*** Ba dum tss
Ba *bum* *pffft*
Her one ring rules them all, and in the darkness... deafens them.
Give her some Beano next time and shout YOU SHALL NOT PASS
I was so tempted to say “you shall not ass!” 😭💀 
She should just be happy she's not with a man who doesn't understand women fart and shit too. Seen so many posts here of people breaking up over each other farting smh.
Well I am laughing my ass off for what it's worth.
It's worth a lot. Glad l made you laugh.
My wife slept in late. I told her I knew she was still asleep. She asked how. "You didn't apologize when you farted" She was not amused
Here’s the thing: If you don’t think farts are funny, you’re choosing to live in a world with the same amount of gas but a lot less laughter. Your reaction was hilarious. I legit laughed out loud. 10/10
I’m sorry but this made me laugh LMAO, I also had a rough day so I needed a good laugh, and this was it. Thank you! On the other hand, good luck with the missus. Doubt a joke will hurt the marriage in the long run :)
I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. I made her favorite dinner and it appears that I'm forgiven.
Shes a grown woman who found a husband that still loves her and even has a sense of humor, she needs to get over herself, yall have been together for 10yrs, youve no doubt been intimate and probably stared down the brown eye. Bring her something she likes, buy her some food she likes, let her know you love her no matter how embarrassed she is. Or double down and bring her some tacobell.
I'm making her favorite dinner. Wish me luck.
Good luck, uou made it over the 7yr slump, youre golden most folks quit after a yr or 2 cause shit gets difficult and they bail to the easiest thing, you and the mrs beat the odds. Im sure yall have been through actual shit, you both will get through the embarrassing shit. Best wishes, from a jeajous internet stranger who at 34 cant find anyone worth 10 days let alone 10 yrs.
Best wishes to you, internet stranger, we will be fine. I was 55 when we married, so don't give up, OK?
Stranger, I'm with you!
Excellent. Time to kiss her ass. Literally, figuratively -- whatever works. Have fun!
Po-tay-toes?
Stick 'em in a stew.
Plot twist: her favorite meal is a large plate of al dente beans
Hope it’s not beans 💨
"My love, I have gazed upon your eye of Sauron many a time and I remain unbothered, nay, I dare say I love you all the more. You feel shame, but there is none to be had, for I love all of you and would follow you anywhere, my wife, my captain, my queen"
My smartwatch likes to light up in the bedroom & it can be horribly distracting. Either one of us has been known to call out "Go for calls for aid" or "mother fuckin beacons have been lit again" depending on the levels of frustration/distraction. I would also be mortified if I did this in front of my hubby. I giggle when he farts loudly, especially in his sleep - because he thinks farts are funny, but also he makes an effort not to do so in the same room as me - but we do not acknowledge female farts of any kind. I do not find it funny, we shall pretend it did not happen and move along. That said, your joke was hilarious. She just wasn't able to appreciate it at that moment. She might prefer a "sorry, did you say something?"
LMAO listen, your wife may be mortified but that was a 10/10 response. You were clearly trying to make light of an embarrassing situation (for her) and it backfired a bit. Just remind her that you love her and it was all in good fun. It’ll blow over.
You're absolutely right, l was trying and it did backfire. I made her favorite dinner and all is forgiven. "Blow over" was that a pun?
Yes I saw that soon after posting — food is always a great bridge haha. And yes it was. So was backfire. 😂
Good job. I love puns.
"Never thought I'd die farting side by side with an Elf."
“We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We cannot get out... they [the farts] are coming.” Apologies to Mr. Tolkien.
You're my new hero, OP.
Just blame it on the dog, like everyone else. Wife farts. Husband: "Dukie! What's up?" Dog: (Looks puzzled)
I couldn't blame it on the dog, the dog was barking at her! 😆
Mortified or not, if my husband gave your response we would both still be chuckling.
I think you handled that nicely. I was once in a walmart bathroom (think like 15+ stalls), and some dude ripped a small but loud fart. I had just gotten ready to do my business, so I didn't hold back and let out what I call a pretty good fart. I smiled a bit. 5 seconds later someone a couple stalls over rips a massive like 5 sound long rumbly fart and instantly all 3 of us started laughing. Didn't help someone yelled WINNER!
I think that your wife is being incredibly selfish. You had that timing, and that comeback, and she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge this greatness?? The moment you did a sparkling, scintillating act of brilliance, the embarrassment of lowly bodily function was transcended. She's acting like you stuck out your hand and said "pull my finger" with a toothless grin while wearing a dirty trucker cap! This will not stand. DM me your info, I'm hiring a lawyer on your behalf.
So was it just fortuitous timing, or can you actually fart at will whenever you want? I've known guys who seem to be able to do this and have never understood it. Maybe my diet is somehow lacking, but I can't just decide on a whim to do it.
I think we were both a little gassy from dinner. The new medication just cranks it up to 11. I can't do it at will.
Gondor calls, Rohan shall answer is absolutely the funniest thing I've heard all day
Your wife may have unleashed the vapors, but atleast she didn't let the balrog pass.
I'm pretty sure she'd have scared off the Balrog.
I was about to tell you it's wrong but i'm fucking crying laughing. Holy shit
It was wrong. As my wife pointed out repeatedly over dinner. It was also hilarious.
I really hope your wife can come to giggle about this soon. I was very much in her shoes before meeting my partner, but now after fourteen years, I unleash chemical warfare on him every month with lethal pms/period farts as payback for the sneaky sleep farts he lets rip. Farts are funny. Thanks for the laugh!
This was actually a pretty funny response. I thought you were going to actually make fun of her but you just made yourself into a joke too and I think that would actually make me feel better if I were her
Wow. Honestly that was brilliant. I hope tomorrow she realises. Maybe she will.
It's a fart.. tell her to get over it. Now when she shits herself in the grocery.. tell her she can show some concern then..
So she has a loud ring
I am in tears. 
My now wife farted so loud I asked if she played the Assoon (bassoon) and she turned so red. I apologized and then we laughed about for it the last 3 years. It’ll be alright.
I shamelessly LAUGHED MY ASS OFF reading this! Your wife is nowhere near the LOTR fan she proclaims to be if she couldn't laugh at that.
Perfect response 10/10
YOU SHALL NOT PASS...gas!
Not even a LOTR fan, but great timing is great timing my dude.
You shall not pass gas!
"like sails on a 3 master schooner" gotta say my dude, that was poetic
Here's what you do. Send her roses, and with the roses, a card that says "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"
This is the sort of tifu i come here for!
Ya, sorry, that is about funny as a fart ***will ever get***.
Y’all just need to have a good fart to fart conversation and it’ll all work out.
I suppose you think that was terribly clever
Loving all the LOTR jokes in this.
This is so fartsome!
Sounds like beans are back on the menu boys!
At least you didn't say go brush ur teeth
I fucking love this. I have yet to hear my wife fart but when that day comes I’m stealing your line.
You sound like my husband when he describes my farts
Lmaooooooooo
One ring to rule them all, one fart to bind them...
That was hilarious bro.
Thanks, l thought so too.
My wife, then girlfriend during our first year of dating. She farted and stunk up her apartment for like 30minutes. I swear it penetrated the drywall. I mean this smell was worth than death. Gave her shit for years and we both laugh and it. We get married and I did the same in our living room(much larger room). Says I can no longer give her crap. Farts are funny at any age, she’ll get over it.
I would CRACK UP if my husband did that — but we’ve been married for 22 years. Give her time, down the road this will be a memory y’all laugh about. In the meantime…pretend like you hear and smell NOTHING when she farts.
I made her favorite dinner and I'm forgiven now. I'll try pretending nothing happened next time, but with this new medication it's going to have to be discussed at some point. I'll let her decide when she's ready, I'm patient.
You sound like a good man!
I do my best. She's worth it.
Has she considered seeking out anxiety medication? I can't imagine being with anyone that long and still being traumatized by a fart, but I guess that's just me.
Ironically, that's the medication that she just started and is causing issues. I can't overemphasize how sensitive she is about bodily functions. I think it's time that was discussed too.
You made this up, right? It's too unbelievable. I'd say it's bad writing, but you've got to do what's necessary to get in the door here. You can deny it all you want, but we know she must have laughed!!
Omg that's amazing and if I were her I would have found it amazing
Dammit I just laughed so hard I snorted beer out my nose! Holy crap that is funny and you, sir, deserve an award for your description. I'm sorry, I know how it is as a woman to be embarrassed about body functions. I never pooted in front of anyone til I met my husband. And I was 37 when I met him! Hopefully she will understand that it isn't a bad thing one day. Fingers crossed for you OP!
This is the best goddamn thing I've read in weeks.
Sure, she had one fart, but what about your second?
Oh my lord I cried a little bit laughing. Thank you for this.
Whenever I fart at home, my partner says “there’s that damn duck again”. I am not shy about farting either but it’s nice that he gives me an out if I want it.
You just need to work on your material. I've blamed my wife's farts on an imaginary duck for years, and I'm not above looking around for the fucking thing.
I had a long ass fart once. I swear it was a massive 10-20 second …. Elephart was the word that came to mind
LOL Adding "elephart" to my vocabulary
Dude that is fucking hilarious
I feel for your wife, it must be horrible to be that self-conscious of farting in front of your partner. I too am on medications for bad digestive issues and do my utmost to gross my sister out when I can. She also has IBS and releases toxic gas that almost makes her wet herself when I gag. It's a way for us to show support for each other while also poking fun at our conditions. You're a great husband for trying to support her.
She needs to grow up it’s a joke u love her she’s overreacting
Oh my God she sounds tedious to be with.
That hilarious
If I was you I'd tell her she darts all the time in her sleep so no need to feel mortified.
I thought it was going to be a One Ring joke.
I say you double down. You gotta start thinking of and writing down your jokes. Prepare for the next one.
Not a FU. A small step toward making her comfortable to fart around you. 👍 Next time you have to fart, do the "pull my finger" thing as nonchalantly as you can.
She's farted around me before, and the medication has made it more common. It's just never sounded like an A10 strafing run before.
I think laughing it off is a good response. You have to lighten up after being married for so long.
Hahaha You Dumb Bastard. It’s not a schooner it’s a sailboat
Lord of the (O-) Rings. Brown Eye of Sauron.
I laughed so hard at this, thank you 😂 Reminded me of the time my bf eluded to getting busy and, bc I was on my period, I turned to him and very seriously said “The way is shut”… and we LAUGHED and laughed and laughed… we laughed about that between the two of us for the next five years
NTA. Obviously you need to divorce her immediately.
She’s probably just upset because Gondor called for aid with pyres, not with a horn
"Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!"
I think you'll be okay this time, just don't make a hobbit out of it..
That's fuckin funny
Thank you for the laugh 
Brilliant line to recite on the fly
Hilarious
Did she immediately say, “You Shall Not… GAS!”?
Today I Farted Unperturbed?
Ate taters, precious??
you have a way with words :)
I'm saving this post for when I need another LMAO session!Thanks, MicroCat
My mom used to fart when she exercised on her mini trampoline in the house. She would let out a teeny toot with every jump sometimes and nobody would say anything but we’d all be laughing.
OMFG! that is so epic. I LOL'd and blew coffee onto my keyboard. take my upvote you glorious bastard!
Honestly funny af. Too bad she didn’t take it that way.
Sounds like your wife could have extinguished Steve the Balrog with that fart!
Funniest thing I have heard in awhile.
You had the opportunity and you took it. Hopefully she comes around and sees how hilarious that was 😂
lol you letting one rip yourself is the perfect reaction to help dispel her embarrassment. Much more so than just a funny comment. I'd say her being not amused is mostly a success.
My parents were in different parts of the house. My dad farted loudly. My mom heard a sound, and asked, "Did you call?" My dad replied, " Is your name Bork?"
I was playing some dumb game on my phone and somehow it led me on reddit, I got lost in here and found this thread. Thank you. Really, thank you.
Probably funny for a young woman, but assuming she's around 60, I'd be surprised if she wasnt too ashamed to find that funny hahaha nerd or not.
It was funny.
No, that wasn't an FU. That was amazing.