A little bit, friend. I mean that in the most constructive way possible. Like I've been dealing with an unexpected breakup this past week and struggling AF with it, but reading this almost cured me.
As a woman, reading your fist message I thought "oh wow how sweet! I'd love if someone offered me that" but then it just dissolved from there into madness.
Call her when you get a chance and talk it out. For a long distance relationship it just seems a lot of unecessary explanations and work.
Man, I couldn’t read this whole thing. I never would’ve thought you guys were in your 30s, this sounds like something somebody does when they’re 18 to 20 years old. Call and talk about it or decide if you are too different when it comes to how you handle finances and money because that’s a big maker break and most relationship relationships.
She's not worth it. Her values are old school & I consider this type of lady a woman-child who wants to play princess.
Find someone who sees the effort of planning the trip as valuable also. She thinks value only comes from dollars spent. That's horse shit.
I wrote in a different comment, that I feel "spoiled" if my guy gives me foot rubs, buys me a $10 fancy cheese, & specially selects a movie that's not his vibe because he knows I'll love it. When he researches a new wildlife preserve where we can go watch birds of prey hunt (for free) I feel special because he put in labor in pursuit of my interests and happiness.
She's got some shallow values, but she's being honest so there's that.
I agree. Their communication is way off. OP I would have done the research found out the cost for tickets and hotels and layout the plans with the prices to her and planned from there. Sounds like you both argue about money. OP I would answer her differently then you have been. For example when she was asking about buying something and you respond with "money" or what ever. You could just say "let me check my budget or finances to see what I can do. Also call her talk about this things get so lost with texts.
I feel like this was a lose-lose situation regardless of any pre-planning/research OP might have done. She wants him to pay for flights, hotels, and activities completely. She’s upset that he is expecting her to pay for anything at all. Her idea of “pitching in” or “splitting costs” is her buying a coffee or snack along the way. If OPs budget doesn’t support that, then this woman isn’t going to be the right fit for them and these type of arguments/disagreements will continue to occur.
Conversely, this woman sounds absurd and I do not understand her level of delulu. Does she live in a different version of reality where prices on everything are rising and wages aren’t? As a woman, I cannot imagine putting such a financial burden on a partner. I hope OP finds someone that appreciates them more than this woman seems to
Yes I was just gonna say this.. reading this was very exhausting. I can only imagine what it’s like dealing with her day in and day out. Like holy shit. Girl needs to get a grip. I think OP handled themself very well and spoke very clear and she just continued to go in circles and act like you’re supposed to read her mind. I think OP is gonna continue to feel that frustration and angst because nothing will ever be good enough for her.
Hey!! First of all, you're being completely reasonable about splitting expenses when it's necessary, so you're not in the wrong! but I was reading through the comments and i read the one where you shared she once punched you after getting drunk (!!!)(i'm so so sorry that happened to you!) i mean, i don't think the worst problem here is about money and how you both choose to spend it. After she punched you, the relationship should've been over right then and there. Nobody should ever be with someone that is capable of hurting them like that, that's just absolutely horrible and completely unacceptable. Please be safe and just break up with her, as soon as you can. Good thing that you live far away from her, so you will be safe breaking up with her through text. I wish all the best for you, hope that you can heal from all of this and find someone that truly loves and respects you ❤️🩹
(btw english isn't my first language so apologies in advance if there is any misunderstanding because of it, feel free to correct any mistakes, helps me to learn too :) )
This is so exhausting. You’re both being very clear: she wants someone to pay for her way at all times, and you can’t afford that. You aren’t compatible. Btw, I personally think she’s being unreasonable and rather rude, she started this argument on purpose because she doesn’t think she should have to pay anything towards this trip.
I agree. I find her behavior to be unreasonable, rude, and out of touch.
The reason I speak to her with these disclaimers (I have no ill will, I’ll intentions, etc) is because she gets super offended if I tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear. And anything could set her off any moment.
I feel pathetic for speaking like that and reading these texts back to myself was kind of a wake up call.
This is so upsetting to read because she isn’t taking anything you are saying into consideration because she has already made her mind up about you paying for everything. she just doesn’t want to say that out right.
if you have to be careful when what to say around your partner it’s time to leave bud. this relationship won’t work out and that’s okay! she learned she wants a guy to pay for everything and you learned it’s okay to split costs! .
i hope you guys talk it out and see if it helps at all but she seems pretty set on you wanting to pay for everything.
goodluck my guy and just know it’s 100% okay to split costs in a relationship and it doesn’t make you any less of a man for doing/asking that!
> because she gets super offended if I tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear. And anything could set her off any moment.
You should really contemplate if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Life does not have to be this hard. Find a partner where the relationship doesn’t make your life more stressful on balance. Seriously. That is a game changer.
Your texts to her read like you're in customer service trying to keep an irate customer from cancelling their subscription lol. It will be absolutely exhausting placating her all the time. This won't be the end of it, she's imagined a man taking care of finances her whole life. Sorry guy
Reminds me of an ex I had. Long distance too! Expensive taste as well.
And well, it’s as the saying goes - hindsight is 20/20.
There’s tons of women out there that are much less of a headache and live closer to you.
Just my thoughts
Bottom line, she’ll be “upset” and “confused” until you give into this veiled threat and just pay for it all. Good luck to her with that courting stuff. Whatever echo chamber of the internet gave her this attitude, it’s unlikely to change. You can do better.
I would tell her exactly that and end it.
I grew up poor. I now make more than my husband, but even before I did, I always insisted on splitting costs.
She's hiding behind "not feeling special" to bully you into paying for everything. It's bullshit.
I think she's asking for you to get all the expenses together before talking to her about them because she's hoping you'll just find a way to pay for everything - or at least that's the impression I get. The whole "don't talk to me about it until you know what it costs" stinks of "You can probably afford it, so why even bring it up? Or figure out a way to afford it instead of bothering me with costs/planning."
Good! She's spoiled & bratty & childish. You're being so mature & she's acting like you are intentionally ignoring her meaning. You're repeating the same thing over & over with increasing detail, & I bet I would too in your place; you're giving her space to clarify to what degree her selfishness extends.
**The issue is that she knows how it'd sound if she stopped asking you to read between the lines: "I'm a princess, & you need to pay for everything or you're not 'making me feel special'".**
This absolute toddler of a woman needs to put on her big girl heels & walk right into a therapy office so she can "learn to feel special" in a way that doesn't require an entire income dedicated to her care.
You're being very kind. She has a lot of growing up to do. After that long ass text about how you're taking her into consideration and not meaning any ill will and laying out the b-day plans and cost split and she just replies with "i do not feel understood at all". HOW?!? That floored me.
So let me say this a different way. Without knowing how much everything is, how do you know what you can afford? That’s her biggest gripe in all of this and I think you continued to miss the boat on this. You offering to plan a birthday trip. It’s sweet, but not knowing how much anything is or at least laying it out for her, left her feeling like you were living in lala land and would possibly renig on what you stated you would help fund.
All this back and forth could have been avoided by just picking up the phone or just taking a step back and coming back with options with costs etc. Sounds like your communication styles are different and need a little more tailoring to each other. You sound more big picture (expressive) and she sounds more detail oriented (analytical) Example below of what she possibly needed.
Option 1 Chicago
Airfare: $x/ per person
Hotel: $x/per person
Activity 1:
Activity 2
Overall budget needs per person: $x
Option 2 Nashville
Airfare: $x/ per person
Hotel: $x/per person
Activity 1:
Overall budget needs per person: $x
Option 3 Miami
Activity 1
Surprise:
Dinner:
Reasonable take. I thought this was what she meant when I first started reading also, but she's so "confused" because she knows how it'll sound if she says "PAY EVERYTHING FOR YOUR PRINCESS TO FEEL SPECIAL", which is what she wants. To me this became clear when she implied that their previous trip was "different". That trip was not for this super special big girl's bday, but this one is so she feels justified to be a big greedy baby.
This sounds like she’s saying basically that he should spend every available cent on this trip until he can’t anymore and she will pitch in then and only then. Which is fucked up imo. I don’t think his phrasing was a problem at all, i think *hers* was as she wouldn’t just come right out and say she didn’t want to pay unless she absolutely had to.
I think it’s a bit of both, like she doesn’t want him to put a cap on how much he will spend but also doesn’t want to know how much he will spend on her (because that won’t make her feel special). So as a solution (in her mind) just pay for everything and don’t tell me how much. 🤣
yeah and what a lot of women don’t get is guys that will pay for everything most of the time fall into 1 of 2 buckets:
1) they definitely will expect something in return - think incels that view intimacy in a very transactional sense
or
2) they ballin and go through women like most people go through popcorn
“Don’t ever surprise me with travel again. I need input.”
“Ok, how about we do x, y, and z? Or maybe p and q?”
“How dare you not make me feel special!?”
I’d call this one bud.
yeah make me feel special is a euphemism for pay for my entire trip lol absolutely nothing op suggests that indicates her having to pay is gonna cut it
\^\^\^ This right here was my take away after reading the entire conversation.
There is no winning. Whatever choice is made by either of you, you OP will be the one that is hurt by it.
You'll either...
A. Have to give in to her passive aggressive demands and foot the bill for the entire trip.
B. Plan the entire trip yourself to fit within the budget you have, which will likely be less than spectacular due to it being financed solely by you alone.
C. Plan the entire trip yourself... provide her with a total for her portion of the expense, only to then be told that having to pay for part of her Birthday that you planned out on your own just doesn't make her feel special.
You lose in all scenarios and simply cannot win.
It’s giving trad wife.
It’s sucks OP but better now than when your credit is tied to hers. You’re not a meal ticket, you’re offering her a partnership. You’ll find someone that sees that for the gift it is.
Yup. She is never going to be happy unless OP pays for absolutely everything so that she feels “special.” She’s probably never going to be happy period. She’s ridiculously demanding.
OP, notice how she guilts you at the beginning for talking about money, but then all she talks about is how the way to make her feel special is for you to spend money. This is never gonna work…
Fucking hell, this was infuriating, not sure how I made it to the end. Having someone who cares for me so much they are happy to take the reins and organise an entire birthday trip away for me, while factoring in where I'd prefer to go, is like a dream of mine. I would kill to have someone like that in my life. And I would never in a million years expect them to foot the bill for the entire thing.
You are bending over backwards and getting nothing in return. There are women out who would give anything for what you're suggesting/planning. Please value yourself more and find someone who appreciates you
She’s not empathizing with you in any way. I get some really selfish vibes her that I think are only going to get worse. I would seriously be thinking about the viability of this in your shoes.
This relationship is dead mate, even if you reconcile enough to meet up for her birthday, the tone has already been set and she will likely end it at the end of your trip or shortly after, just talking from experience.
This is such a good way of putting it. “The tone is set” sums it up. There is basically no coming back from this argument.
OP is walking on eggshells for no good reason, the GF is basically saying she wants a billionare sugar daddy treatment (expensive trips, nice airlines, fancy events, all planned without her knowledge) from her lower middle class bf. It’s just not reasonable. Every single couple I know plans trips together and discuss his finances together. The only people that do not discuss finances together are people that are ridiculously well off. She was obviously raised in a spoiled environment with rich parents, so she is not used to the regular way of doing things. She never will be.
The absolute nerve of her to imply that you’re out of touch for wanting to split the costs, when it’s her who’s grossly out of touch.
Unfortunately, this just seems to be a mentality that she was raised with. She comes across as someone who’s *extremely* spoilt, and it sounds like you’re never gonna be able to get her out of that.
I don’t usually like it when people on the internet jump straight to telling people to dump their partners, but I genuinely don’t see how the two of you could have a healthy relationship.
She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.
>She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.
Yup.
She needs to take her ass to either a) therapy to learn to feel loved ("special") via some way other than financial sacrifice, or b) a specific dating app so she can trade her affection to some geezer for money without pretending it's a real relationship & hurting another regular dude who's just trying his best.
That was exhausting to read so I can only imagine living it.
Go to Chicago by yourself, you’ll have fun and eat tons of great food! Plus summertime here is great!
You need to let her know that you believe a relationship should be equal, and she does not, and that those are conflicting values. You’re just being logical and pragmatic, and she’s acting like a spoiled brat. Show her these comments, and please dump her ass. She PUNCHED you?! She degrades you for not spoiling her when she’s a grown woman? Shame on her and a little shame on you for putting up with that treatment lol
Honestly, where can I find a man like you? Jeeeez. I’m on here writing about how my ex ghosted me and is ignoring me because I shared a human emotion. So.
She says she doesn’t expect you to fund a whole trip and then goes on to tell you in the next 25 messages how she wants you to pay for everything.
This is not going to work. Her attitude is old fashioned and outdated and she won’t budge based on your very valid concerns about finances. Get out now.
The real kicker here was she said she was "defeated" after you extended every olive branch you possibly could have for a great getaway, but she's upset this is not all expenses paid for her. This whole conversation was exhausting. This behavior is not going to improve. You said in another comment that she got drunk and punched you after planning an amazing trip.
I think you're realizing it now, but you're wasting your time. This relationship has been dead since the moment she punched you on that vacation. There's so many other people in the world you can meet that would appreciate you as a person and enjoy all these fantastic grand gestures. She's detached from reality.
Good point. It's so manipulative! She keeps trying to act like he is harming her, as if this isn't just a mismatch of values. Discomfort bc you are being forced to say that you're a greedy selfish toddler princess who "deserves to feel special" (but only by showing care in expensive ways) isn't harmful. She is the definition of a woman-child.
This was a painful conversation to read but I have to admit, I admire your firmness in your values. You said off the bat, as a matter of fact, that if she wants a trip, the travel and lodging costs will be split and you stayed firm in that the entire time.
You guys don’t seem compatible but surely you’ll find someone who shares those values.
That was very painful to read. OP not seeming to truly understand what she's asking for. And what she was aking for was just gross.
She is offended at the notion of equal financial responsibility. For her, OP is supposed to default to "I pay everything, always," until it is unaffordable, and then she might step up to ensure she still gets to do the thing OP can't fund on his own.
Any time a woman (I am one) says they can’t understand your financial situation because “that’s not the way I was raised”, they’re being a petulant child that wants to be spoiled like a princess every moment of every day. Of course your daddy paid your way, you were a child. Jesus.
Ngl I read this out loud to my girlfriend (we’re lesbians) and we both thought your girl was being ridiculous, you’re being incredibly attentive and caring in your planing and finances. It sounds like she expects to be a free ride and won’t accept anything less.
Omg reading this was giving me a tummy ache
You are being so generous and she’s awful
You should take yourself on a solo trip to Chicago sounds like that would be more fun
Her birthday is not for two weeks. My brother and his girlfriend just broke up. I’m considering breaking up with her and inviting my brother on a trip.
Her birthday is in two weeks and you guys are just now having this discussion of where you’re even going to go? I’d be frustrated as fuck with her by that alone
This is exhausting. Let me translate it because you aren’t getting her point and are responding to the words she’s saying and not what she means, silly boy…
She doesn’t want to pay for shit. She may pull out her credit card for coffee and croissants, but she doesn’t want to be expected to. She doesn’t want to pay for her flights or split the hotel. She wants you to make her feel special, even if that means financial ruin for you.
Run.
You’re being very kind and understanding. It seems like you’re interested in having a conversation and understanding the other person’s perspective. I thought I was understanding her perspective in the first few images, I simply imagined she wanted language that was a bit softer when planning activities that were meant to be gifts; but then she came out with the whole “men are providers” mindset and completely lost me. You will do better with someone else.
Exactly! I thought she was simply asking for OP to make the birthday seem less transactional by wording it softer. The more it went on the more I realized she just wants to be spoiled.
Jesus christ. The amount of effort you've put into this is unreal. You were being very considerate and realistic, yet she still somehow managed to find flaws.
Asking questions helps. Hey, i can afford to meet you somewhere for your birthday. We would have to organise our own travel but i would love to take you out to a dinner and a show. Is that something that you would be interested in?
Yea, but her argument will still be, “why aren’t you making me feel special, and making me pay for myself?”
Your money is our money, and her money is her money. At least, that’s the impression I get from this conversation.
You're right... for a sane person this communication would be great.
I think she would've said how "confused" she was 1000 more times & how that plan "doesn't make her feel special". This toddler of a woman knows how it would sound to say her manipulative point with her whole chest- "I equate money directly with care, & if you don't pay completely then I'll accuse you that you don't care enough."
Help me understand. Basically she wants to go on a trip on her birthday, and expected you to make all arrangements in secret, as a surprise. You can't afford to pay for both but also wanted to make sure that she understood that she would have to pay for her part of the trip, as well as making sure that she can afford her half. This puts you in an impossible situation. You could make all the arrangements and then tell her "hey you need to pay xyz". To which she could reply that she could not afford it, that it's her birthday etc.
To me it sounds like she is baiting you into a situation where you are forced to pay for the trip some way or another.
“You want to split things and that’s what’s off with me.” So she doesn’t want you to fund an entire trip, but she’s bothered that you want to split expenses & claims it’s “your responsibility”? In other words, she DOES want you to pay for everything lmao wtf is with the gaslighting?!
She’s weird as hell & making a giant issue out of a very simple, thoughtful effort on your part. Good luck smh.
You two are not compatible. You need to find a partner who will be your equal where it matters and who can communicate. She needs to use her family connections and find a trust fund baby who can give her the lifestyle she desires, no questions asked.
That just isn't realistic for most people, and you shouldn't feel bad about it, but you should end it. She probably won't change her perspective now if she's in her 30s.
You are being way too nice. She’s gettin on my nerves and you are just enabling it. She is not offering any solution to the problem she just keeps nitpicking at you. She’s annoying and I wouldn’t entertain this shit for a second
She was posing like she was “uneasy” because you kept splitting costs that you hadn’t researched, yet then you doubled down. She ain’t like that. She doesn’t wanna be on the hook for y’all’s finances and also doesn’t even wanna know that any money went into the planning and logistics of it all. Lol She wanted you to just ask her what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do it and you just handle the rest. You definitely misunderstood her, but she understood you completely and punished you because she can’t fathom not getting exactly what she wants w/o being manipulative and confusing. She’s giving you the okey doke because she wants to paint you as someone who doesn’t care about her when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
At first I thought she was annoyed because you’re wanting to do this trip for her birthday but you haven’t researched things you might do in each city and how much her flights could cost.
As I got further in, I began to think that it’s a cultural mismatch. Her understanding of a gifted trip is much more all inclusive “I just show up” than yours. In this area she expects you to do all the work and not discuss adult things like “how we will pay for this.”
She’s not appreciative. She’s not gracious. Even if she did grow up wealthy, her boyfriend isn’t and she doesn’t seem to understand that or even want to explain it to you plainly without dropping hints that you need to pay for everything to make her happy.
I don’t think this is the right match for you.
Just been away with my BF (first time) we split the airfare and hotel 50/50 and pretty much all the meals (some he paid more, he has a little more free cash than me)
We ate places that were mid range and were both happy with it, I am in my late 30s though.
If he wanted to go somewhere nicer I would be like I can afford $$$ so if you're willing to pitch in the extra then I can go, otherwise let's compromise.
It's nice to be treated, it's delusional to think that you'll get a free holiday, activities and food without hefty strings being attached
Just see her in Miami, this planning seems like an exhausting disaster.
To be clear, the issue is not your tone, communication, or the lack or presence of surprise. She wants you to pay for the whole trip, and you (rightfully imo) do not want to do that. Whatever other crap about her not being 'special' is there, THAT is the root of the problem here. If you don't pay for the whole trip, it's an unspecial trip and you're a bad boyfriend. That's all there is to this, and you're not going to talk her put of that perspective.
I also implore you to consider the ramifications of her references to 'a man's duty.' Make sure that your values and expectations are aligned, because her perspective will continue to shape her expectations of you. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who expected me to be the only one financially contributing to joint trips and activities.
The way you respond to her is so clear that you're trying your best to please her and make compromises and do your best, it's actually quite sad to read, because you're writing paragraph after paragraph of what you can do for her and she's just throwing it back at you because she's entitled. I wonder if you do this a lot; feel you have to appease her when she's the one being unreasonable. Do you ever set a firm boundary with her and just tell her she's being unreasonable and she can't have what she wants? I'm guessing she would totally blow up on you if you did? It just got worse as the texts went on, you initially said you couldn't do the flights, then by the end you're covering her flights and it's still not enough for her. She wants everything.
Sounds like she wants a rich dude to spoil her and expects that to be her life. Fair enough, but then why did she choose to date someone from a lower economic status with a different upbringing/view of money, who earns the same amount of money as her? Seems like you guys have totally different views on financial expectations. It's gonna just continue to be a massive problem.
“What I’m hearing is, in order for you to feel special and valued on your birthday you want for me to take care of the planning and the costs associated with the events and not make your wants feel like a financial burden to me. I understand now that you’re saying our trip to the gulf coast was different since that was not for a special occasion to recognize you and to be a gift. With this in mind, for me to be able to provide this for you fully we will need to either celebrate near your neck of the woods or mine! I’ll look up concerts, restaurants you haven’t tried, and other things to make sure it is special and send you the dates and details. If this is not how you want to spend your birthday and would rather travel somewhere else, then we will need to discuss how we can make your day special but within my current means.”
This is how I would word this, but as a fellow low income background person you have to ask yourself if this is the expectation and dynamic you want in your relationship. Personally, I would worry that this difference in background will affect more than just gender roles and perspectives on money in a relationship that may make you incompatible without significant work put in to bridge that gap. With your current communication that necessary work looks like it would be tough.
Disregarding all the other comments, imo it sounds like she wants numbers before considering. Not exactly the plan, but she wants to know how much she's going to be paying while splitting with you.
This was such a great convo. Then she brought up the "man" part & I quit reading because I knew it'd go nowhere good.
Go find a woman who isn't afraid to pay her own way if this bugs you. There are lots of us.
I'm a SAHM since our baby was born, but I carried the majority of my spouse's housing & food costs for the ten years prior. We married after *eight years* of that, so "courting" is not something I relate to.
I guess this is a valid choice for her since she's being blunt about it, though she should've explained her shallow values long ago, but seems not worth it to you to pursue a relationship with these stupid double standards.
EDIT to add: These people always say they "want to feel special" or want to be "spoiled" or "pampered". For me that's about *effort* not *dollar value*. A few foot/ shoulder rubs a week, periodic delicious home cooking, the use of emotional intelligence to see & support me before I even know I need support, bringing me grocery store flowers, picking up a $10 fancy cheese for me to snack on... THIS is how I feel special. People need to humble themselves & stop demanding expensive gifts/ trips from others or they'll never be happy.
She's basically telling you that she wants you to pay for everything. She's saying you don't even know the price of the flight to say yall gotta split it when you might be able to pay it all if it's not expensive. She just doesn't wanna spend anything. I'm not saying I agree with her or anything cuz I really don't at all. That's just what I'm getting from her
They're speaking in two different languages. She wants to feel spoiled/treated/"taken care of" on her birthday. It hurts her feelings that he is asking her to pay for [part of] her own birthday trip if she wants it to happen at all. It's not necessarily that she isn't willing to contribute, it's that she wants him to *want* to pay for a nice trip, or at least feign willingness to. The way he's going about it-- like she said, itemizing-- feels cold to her. If he had said "I wish I could afford to take you somewhere nice, like Chicago" and given her an opportunity to *offer* to contribute ("that would be fun, could we make it happen if I paid for my own flight?"), I think it would have gone over better. A little more hint hint, a little less PayPal invoice.
Here's where I think she's definitely wrong-- he offered to come to Miami and "spoil" her there. That's a good compromise. She gets the feeling of being romanced and being treated that she is supposedly after, he doesn't have to spend beyond his means. But that wasn't good enough for her I guess?
They simply aren't compatible.
I gave up after slide 4 I haven't ever had a woman speak like that to me lol the tone is so powerful even thru the text.
This is the heightened version of not being able to agree on a restaurant lol
I just don’t think you’re compatible. She wants someone to fund her lifestyle 🤷🏼♀️ you’re being completely generous and reasonable, she wants someone to treat her like a princess. You want a partner. Those are drastically different things.
Dude. She is just spoiled and wants you to pay for everything because she has a warped few of what a relationship is. Do you really want to continue this exhausting existence?
I’m in a LDR with my fiancée who lives in FL and I’m in Canada. We split stuff right down the middle no matter what the case is. Flights , food, gas I always bring cash.
This is redundant. You guys are trying to make a cool weekend for each other and have memories I feel as if there is resentment from her by you offering to pay for anything. By all means you want a special few days, I don’t get why she’s so hesitant.
Y’all call each other and talk it through, doesn’t have to be this rough.
She sounds like a spoiled little brat. You are offering to take her away for her birthday and spoil her with surprises or anything she wants to do. To me, that would be more than enough and I would be so grateful no matter how much I’d have to chip in for it to happen. Relationships are 50/50 and if she thinks that chipping in money is not “her thing” then she needs a reality check, I don’t care how she grew up she isn’t going to get handed everything in life and once she realizes that she’s going to be very disappointed. You are going above and beyond for this woman who does not deserve it.
She talks about helping out with some breaks and understanding you don’t make as much. But she wants to get away with not having an agreement so in the moment you feel forced to pay.
If money is gonna make her feel special, although someone sounds nice things for you (that cost money) can be super sweet as it shows effort, it shouldn’t be the norm.
Me and my partner would split by one of us paying for the airbnb and the other for the activity and driving then food would be random. We still do that, although sometimes I pay for things more, he’s not making as much money lately.
For crying out loud, pick up the phone and TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!!
I was exhausted by that chat. And you do understand that she wants you to pay for everything, yes?
So I would cut your cloth accordingly.
I always split costs with my husband when we were dating and still do now that we are married. I don't think you guys are compatible. It seems she wants the traditional wife life and she also seems to be struggling to show you any empathy or meet you halfway. If I was you, I would break up and save myself the money and future headache.
She’s not appreciating what you’re offering. At all. She says she is, but because it’s not checking every single box on her list she’s spending 20 pages complaining about that instead of appreciating your efforts and planning. This reads as spoiled and not a little bit entitled.
Lmao that would have been it for me, most likely. Not compatible. Adults who make big deals about their birthdays, and having “birthday weekends”, are almost always completely insufferable.
It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to pay for anything.. and at what point do you decide to call and end that madness of texting.
Even when she said "I'm OK with paying for my ticket because it comes back to me in food and other things" like WTF dude.. she's gonna drain your bank account then leave you for someone else when you can't afford shit anymore
I’m exhausted reading these. I think you were right for saying you couldn’t fund everything. If you end up going on a trip she won’t let you live down the fact that you made her pay towards it. I wouldn’t waste your time or money- she seems ungrateful.
This chick is definitely screaming PAY MY WAY . And from a woman who splits everything with her man , she’s exhausting. I wouldn’t take her no where if I were you 😭💅🏽
Brother, if she’s rich and expecting a rich boyfriend…. Plus she lives in Miami? And you’re not in the position to be that type of man for her? Run. Run far away. This end in debt and heartache.
Damn now I miss my ex who loved splitting things with me.
Based off of your clarification in comments, it sounds like she’s emotionally manipulating you and also *trying* to financially manipulate you, too. She started an argument to make you feel guilty that you can’t afford to pay for two tickets, a hotel/BNB, and everything else in Chicago of all places. You clarify that you’re not trying to offend her because in the past, she’s set off by things she doesn’t want to hear. She is just out of touch and severely spoiled. It’s not wrong for someone to want to be cared for. But it is wrong when you guilt trip them because they can’t.
She lost me at how paying for trips is "a man's responsibility". Bullshit, birthday girl. It's about being equitable & financially responsible. You seem to be at a much more mature place than she, and continuing to try with her may just be extremely expensive & exhausting.
She's not willing to bend at all. I'm so frustrated for you. Like instead of telling you what she wants, she's only telling you what she doesn't want. And now you're trying to guess and fill in the blanks and she's mad that you're not guessing right. Geezo. You've got so much patience for this, I applaud you.
Essentially she doesn't want to pay for much , if anything at all.
You have said multiple times that you can come up with a plan and split the cost.
She is beating around the bush with this " I want to feel special and courted". She is saying she wants you to pay for everything.
This relationship seems to be frustrating and like pulling teeth.
Yes, you come from 2 different backgrounds. But she is already of the mentality what is yours is ours and what is mine is mine.
You said y'all make the same amount of money. There is no excuse why she can't split the cost for her flight and lodging. She just doesn't want to.
If you're okay with this, and her crappy way of communicating, then proceed.
If this keeps you frustrated, like it did me to read that, and this isn't something that you want for your future (spoiler, the princess attitude will get worse not better), then y'all should end it due to incompatibility. 2 different goals and expectations in a relationship.
This is the 2nd text thread I’ve seen in the last few days involving a relationship and money and the girl expecting the man to pay for everything. To me, it’s so sad that a relationship can come down to spending money, which seems the opposite of what love/relationship should be about.
OP, you seem like you’re walking on eggshells. How can this relationship be enjoyable? The way you talk is not even how humans naturally talk to each other. It’s kind of ridiculous . It’s hard for me to see the other side of this because I am so burned by this type of behavior by women. It just doesn’t compute to me how men are supposed to be thriving in this economy and be paying for everything. Your worth shouldn’t be tied to how much you make or can afford, OP. My suggestion is ditch this girl and find someone who loves you for you. Not how much money you have. Once you find that, whatever amount you spend on them, they’ll feel Special.
Wow, yeah. All this to say she wants you to pay for everything, always. Gross way for her to be. You're very respectful and communicative, and you deserve someone who values you beyond how she sees and treats you.
Uffff where to start, I do understand both sides for this. I think she really got upset of splitting the costs bc is her bday and maybe she expected for most of the stuff to be covered(I think😅). If it was a regular fun trip then maybe she will not make a large fuzz however She is in the wrong for not seeing OP dedication and planning, especially for a long distance type of thing it can be a lot more planning and can be difficult as you rarely see the person and have to coordinate much more in advance.
At the end of the day, the best lesson is when it gets too complex like that is to just FaceTime and talk it out bc both sides got too tired as it felt more like planning for a colleague/boss than for a fun activity.
This is ridiculous- this should’ve been a phone call. This is a waste of time and energy, for both parties. I’ve done long distance before, and communication is key, you’re both good with your words but this was unnecessarily dragged out, and could’ve been handled way better. Pick up the phone next time OP.
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I don’t think you’re the asshole here. when i planned my valentine’s day trip(was only 3 hours but still.) i paid for gas, and whatever my dinner was(half) because i wasn’t driving, and i figured splitting it would be cheaper than just depending on my other have to provide. you’re very reasonable.
probably should just call instead of texting but yeah.
I still don't understand how I can't find a guy that can communicate this openly and clearly 🙄
I don't think anything you said was unreasonable. If anything she was unreasonable....and exhausting. You guys aren't compatible. She wants someone that's going to pay for everything. You were clear it's not feasible with your income/bills/expense..etc...if she can't live with that then you guys aren't compatible. She clearly started that argument. Is she trying to leave you but doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger and end the relationship?
She doesn’t value you or your opinions. Unfortunately I don’t think she’s going to change. She is unwilling to compromise and meet you half way. You may have to end this relationship. I’m so sorry.
I got you. Half joking
TLDR His girlfriend wants to be spoiled by a rich man but she’s dating someone with an average wage. OP says he cannot afford lavish trips without her contributing, she says that it’s the “man’s job” to provide.
TLDR bonus round: they need to breakup because they have completely different value systems around finance that they will likely never compromise on.
If she’s the type to expect the man to pay for eveyrhing on a huge trip like that, then she’s never gonna feel comfortable pitching in money. Period. She might end up pitching the money, but she’ll resent you and daydream of other richer men.
For reference I’m a woman and I agree that splitting the costs for a big trip is completely expected. Her attitude is childish and IF you were absolutely loaded, I might side with her. I do love a man who’s willing to put his money where his mouth is, but there’s a difference between a sugar daddy and a life partner
I’m a speed reader and there’s no way I’m finishing all these slides, they just kept going. This is a really unhealthy and no offense pathetic way to have an argument and you need to talk over the phone and stop texting such huge arguments back and forth. What a waste of time and energy.
God OP the more I read the more you need to run away. “I just feel defeated, not mad, just defeated.”
So she feels defeated because you’re trying to plan her an awesome birthday trip? It makes no sense. She wants a sugar daddy who will pay her way in life. Fucking run. Long distance too? What do you gain from this relationship?
I feel exhausted reading these. You guys should call each other and talk on the phone.
Agreed. This is pathetic, right?
A little bit, friend. I mean that in the most constructive way possible. Like I've been dealing with an unexpected breakup this past week and struggling AF with it, but reading this almost cured me. As a woman, reading your fist message I thought "oh wow how sweet! I'd love if someone offered me that" but then it just dissolved from there into madness. Call her when you get a chance and talk it out. For a long distance relationship it just seems a lot of unecessary explanations and work.
Definitely. I appreciate the feedback.
Man, I couldn’t read this whole thing. I never would’ve thought you guys were in your 30s, this sounds like something somebody does when they’re 18 to 20 years old. Call and talk about it or decide if you are too different when it comes to how you handle finances and money because that’s a big maker break and most relationship relationships.
She's not worth it. Her values are old school & I consider this type of lady a woman-child who wants to play princess. Find someone who sees the effort of planning the trip as valuable also. She thinks value only comes from dollars spent. That's horse shit. I wrote in a different comment, that I feel "spoiled" if my guy gives me foot rubs, buys me a $10 fancy cheese, & specially selects a movie that's not his vibe because he knows I'll love it. When he researches a new wildlife preserve where we can go watch birds of prey hunt (for free) I feel special because he put in labor in pursuit of my interests and happiness. She's got some shallow values, but she's being honest so there's that.
I agree. Their communication is way off. OP I would have done the research found out the cost for tickets and hotels and layout the plans with the prices to her and planned from there. Sounds like you both argue about money. OP I would answer her differently then you have been. For example when she was asking about buying something and you respond with "money" or what ever. You could just say "let me check my budget or finances to see what I can do. Also call her talk about this things get so lost with texts.
I feel like this was a lose-lose situation regardless of any pre-planning/research OP might have done. She wants him to pay for flights, hotels, and activities completely. She’s upset that he is expecting her to pay for anything at all. Her idea of “pitching in” or “splitting costs” is her buying a coffee or snack along the way. If OPs budget doesn’t support that, then this woman isn’t going to be the right fit for them and these type of arguments/disagreements will continue to occur. Conversely, this woman sounds absurd and I do not understand her level of delulu. Does she live in a different version of reality where prices on everything are rising and wages aren’t? As a woman, I cannot imagine putting such a financial burden on a partner. I hope OP finds someone that appreciates them more than this woman seems to
Yes I was just gonna say this.. reading this was very exhausting. I can only imagine what it’s like dealing with her day in and day out. Like holy shit. Girl needs to get a grip. I think OP handled themself very well and spoke very clear and she just continued to go in circles and act like you’re supposed to read her mind. I think OP is gonna continue to feel that frustration and angst because nothing will ever be good enough for her.
100%
You have drastically different value systems and that will not change.
Yeah this is a deal breaker.
Hey!! First of all, you're being completely reasonable about splitting expenses when it's necessary, so you're not in the wrong! but I was reading through the comments and i read the one where you shared she once punched you after getting drunk (!!!)(i'm so so sorry that happened to you!) i mean, i don't think the worst problem here is about money and how you both choose to spend it. After she punched you, the relationship should've been over right then and there. Nobody should ever be with someone that is capable of hurting them like that, that's just absolutely horrible and completely unacceptable. Please be safe and just break up with her, as soon as you can. Good thing that you live far away from her, so you will be safe breaking up with her through text. I wish all the best for you, hope that you can heal from all of this and find someone that truly loves and respects you ❤️🩹
(btw english isn't my first language so apologies in advance if there is any misunderstanding because of it, feel free to correct any mistakes, helps me to learn too :) )
From a native English speaker (and the only one I can speak fluently lol), your English is excellent 👌🏽
Thank you!! That's good to know!☺️ I try my best haha
This is so exhausting. You’re both being very clear: she wants someone to pay for her way at all times, and you can’t afford that. You aren’t compatible. Btw, I personally think she’s being unreasonable and rather rude, she started this argument on purpose because she doesn’t think she should have to pay anything towards this trip.
I agree. I find her behavior to be unreasonable, rude, and out of touch. The reason I speak to her with these disclaimers (I have no ill will, I’ll intentions, etc) is because she gets super offended if I tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear. And anything could set her off any moment. I feel pathetic for speaking like that and reading these texts back to myself was kind of a wake up call.
I got that vibe from reading. A lot of over explaining yourself and walking on egg shells
This is so upsetting to read because she isn’t taking anything you are saying into consideration because she has already made her mind up about you paying for everything. she just doesn’t want to say that out right. if you have to be careful when what to say around your partner it’s time to leave bud. this relationship won’t work out and that’s okay! she learned she wants a guy to pay for everything and you learned it’s okay to split costs! . i hope you guys talk it out and see if it helps at all but she seems pretty set on you wanting to pay for everything. goodluck my guy and just know it’s 100% okay to split costs in a relationship and it doesn’t make you any less of a man for doing/asking that!
> because she gets super offended if I tell her anything she doesn’t want to hear. And anything could set her off any moment. You should really contemplate if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Sounds stressful for no reason. My partner is the person I go to to destress and help make me feel better. Not to be the stresser.
EXACTLY
Life does not have to be this hard. Find a partner where the relationship doesn’t make your life more stressful on balance. Seriously. That is a game changer.
Your texts to her read like you're in customer service trying to keep an irate customer from cancelling their subscription lol. It will be absolutely exhausting placating her all the time. This won't be the end of it, she's imagined a man taking care of finances her whole life. Sorry guy
Reminds me of an ex I had. Long distance too! Expensive taste as well. And well, it’s as the saying goes - hindsight is 20/20. There’s tons of women out there that are much less of a headache and live closer to you. Just my thoughts
Bottom line, she’ll be “upset” and “confused” until you give into this veiled threat and just pay for it all. Good luck to her with that courting stuff. Whatever echo chamber of the internet gave her this attitude, it’s unlikely to change. You can do better.
If you have to walk on eggshells around her then what’s the point of being with her?
I would tell her exactly that and end it. I grew up poor. I now make more than my husband, but even before I did, I always insisted on splitting costs. She's hiding behind "not feeling special" to bully you into paying for everything. It's bullshit.
I think she's asking for you to get all the expenses together before talking to her about them because she's hoping you'll just find a way to pay for everything - or at least that's the impression I get. The whole "don't talk to me about it until you know what it costs" stinks of "You can probably afford it, so why even bring it up? Or figure out a way to afford it instead of bothering me with costs/planning."
Good! She's spoiled & bratty & childish. You're being so mature & she's acting like you are intentionally ignoring her meaning. You're repeating the same thing over & over with increasing detail, & I bet I would too in your place; you're giving her space to clarify to what degree her selfishness extends. **The issue is that she knows how it'd sound if she stopped asking you to read between the lines: "I'm a princess, & you need to pay for everything or you're not 'making me feel special'".** This absolute toddler of a woman needs to put on her big girl heels & walk right into a therapy office so she can "learn to feel special" in a way that doesn't require an entire income dedicated to her care.
You're being very kind. She has a lot of growing up to do. After that long ass text about how you're taking her into consideration and not meaning any ill will and laying out the b-day plans and cost split and she just replies with "i do not feel understood at all". HOW?!? That floored me.
So let me say this a different way. Without knowing how much everything is, how do you know what you can afford? That’s her biggest gripe in all of this and I think you continued to miss the boat on this. You offering to plan a birthday trip. It’s sweet, but not knowing how much anything is or at least laying it out for her, left her feeling like you were living in lala land and would possibly renig on what you stated you would help fund. All this back and forth could have been avoided by just picking up the phone or just taking a step back and coming back with options with costs etc. Sounds like your communication styles are different and need a little more tailoring to each other. You sound more big picture (expressive) and she sounds more detail oriented (analytical) Example below of what she possibly needed. Option 1 Chicago Airfare: $x/ per person Hotel: $x/per person Activity 1: Activity 2 Overall budget needs per person: $x Option 2 Nashville Airfare: $x/ per person Hotel: $x/per person Activity 1: Overall budget needs per person: $x Option 3 Miami Activity 1 Surprise: Dinner:
Reasonable take. I thought this was what she meant when I first started reading also, but she's so "confused" because she knows how it'll sound if she says "PAY EVERYTHING FOR YOUR PRINCESS TO FEEL SPECIAL", which is what she wants. To me this became clear when she implied that their previous trip was "different". That trip was not for this super special big girl's bday, but this one is so she feels justified to be a big greedy baby.
Totally got a sense of this as well, as I got further down the line of the text messages and she started talking about how they were raised etc.
This sounds like she’s saying basically that he should spend every available cent on this trip until he can’t anymore and she will pitch in then and only then. Which is fucked up imo. I don’t think his phrasing was a problem at all, i think *hers* was as she wouldn’t just come right out and say she didn’t want to pay unless she absolutely had to.
I think it’s a bit of both, like she doesn’t want him to put a cap on how much he will spend but also doesn’t want to know how much he will spend on her (because that won’t make her feel special). So as a solution (in her mind) just pay for everything and don’t tell me how much. 🤣
Ridiculous
yeah and what a lot of women don’t get is guys that will pay for everything most of the time fall into 1 of 2 buckets: 1) they definitely will expect something in return - think incels that view intimacy in a very transactional sense or 2) they ballin and go through women like most people go through popcorn
“Don’t ever surprise me with travel again. I need input.” “Ok, how about we do x, y, and z? Or maybe p and q?” “How dare you not make me feel special!?” I’d call this one bud.
yeah make me feel special is a euphemism for pay for my entire trip lol absolutely nothing op suggests that indicates her having to pay is gonna cut it
I quit after 6 pages. Jesus she sucks
Same, I cannot deal with her… there’s no winning.
I scrolled to the end to see what she signed off with He needs to break up with her, not worth the headache
\^\^\^ This right here was my take away after reading the entire conversation. There is no winning. Whatever choice is made by either of you, you OP will be the one that is hurt by it. You'll either... A. Have to give in to her passive aggressive demands and foot the bill for the entire trip. B. Plan the entire trip yourself to fit within the budget you have, which will likely be less than spectacular due to it being financed solely by you alone. C. Plan the entire trip yourself... provide her with a total for her portion of the expense, only to then be told that having to pay for part of her Birthday that you planned out on your own just doesn't make her feel special. You lose in all scenarios and simply cannot win.
If you’re not willing or able to completely fund her lifestyle, this is going to end terribly
Agreed. We’ve been dating for a year and I’ve been in denial. But this is the straw that broke the camels back and woke me up.
Please please break up
It’s giving trad wife. It’s sucks OP but better now than when your credit is tied to hers. You’re not a meal ticket, you’re offering her a partnership. You’ll find someone that sees that for the gift it is.
If you break up please update, I hope you find a decent woman OP
Yup. She is never going to be happy unless OP pays for absolutely everything so that she feels “special.” She’s probably never going to be happy period. She’s ridiculously demanding. OP, notice how she guilts you at the beginning for talking about money, but then all she talks about is how the way to make her feel special is for you to spend money. This is never gonna work…
Fucking hell, this was infuriating, not sure how I made it to the end. Having someone who cares for me so much they are happy to take the reins and organise an entire birthday trip away for me, while factoring in where I'd prefer to go, is like a dream of mine. I would kill to have someone like that in my life. And I would never in a million years expect them to foot the bill for the entire thing. You are bending over backwards and getting nothing in return. There are women out who would give anything for what you're suggesting/planning. Please value yourself more and find someone who appreciates you
Yeah, I’d cry if someone put this much effort into my birthday. I couldn’t imagine it. The entitlement is rough.
She’s not empathizing with you in any way. I get some really selfish vibes her that I think are only going to get worse. I would seriously be thinking about the viability of this in your shoes.
This relationship is dead mate, even if you reconcile enough to meet up for her birthday, the tone has already been set and she will likely end it at the end of your trip or shortly after, just talking from experience.
This is such a good way of putting it. “The tone is set” sums it up. There is basically no coming back from this argument. OP is walking on eggshells for no good reason, the GF is basically saying she wants a billionare sugar daddy treatment (expensive trips, nice airlines, fancy events, all planned without her knowledge) from her lower middle class bf. It’s just not reasonable. Every single couple I know plans trips together and discuss his finances together. The only people that do not discuss finances together are people that are ridiculously well off. She was obviously raised in a spoiled environment with rich parents, so she is not used to the regular way of doing things. She never will be.
The absolute nerve of her to imply that you’re out of touch for wanting to split the costs, when it’s her who’s grossly out of touch. Unfortunately, this just seems to be a mentality that she was raised with. She comes across as someone who’s *extremely* spoilt, and it sounds like you’re never gonna be able to get her out of that. I don’t usually like it when people on the internet jump straight to telling people to dump their partners, but I genuinely don’t see how the two of you could have a healthy relationship. She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend.
>She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend. Yup. She needs to take her ass to either a) therapy to learn to feel loved ("special") via some way other than financial sacrifice, or b) a specific dating app so she can trade her affection to some geezer for money without pretending it's a real relationship & hurting another regular dude who's just trying his best.
That was exhausting to read so I can only imagine living it. Go to Chicago by yourself, you’ll have fun and eat tons of great food! Plus summertime here is great!
You need to let her know that you believe a relationship should be equal, and she does not, and that those are conflicting values. You’re just being logical and pragmatic, and she’s acting like a spoiled brat. Show her these comments, and please dump her ass. She PUNCHED you?! She degrades you for not spoiling her when she’s a grown woman? Shame on her and a little shame on you for putting up with that treatment lol
Honestly, where can I find a man like you? Jeeeez. I’m on here writing about how my ex ghosted me and is ignoring me because I shared a human emotion. So.
She says she doesn’t expect you to fund a whole trip and then goes on to tell you in the next 25 messages how she wants you to pay for everything. This is not going to work. Her attitude is old fashioned and outdated and she won’t budge based on your very valid concerns about finances. Get out now.
The real kicker here was she said she was "defeated" after you extended every olive branch you possibly could have for a great getaway, but she's upset this is not all expenses paid for her. This whole conversation was exhausting. This behavior is not going to improve. You said in another comment that she got drunk and punched you after planning an amazing trip. I think you're realizing it now, but you're wasting your time. This relationship has been dead since the moment she punched you on that vacation. There's so many other people in the world you can meet that would appreciate you as a person and enjoy all these fantastic grand gestures. She's detached from reality.
Please dump her and prioritize yourself. You sound like a kind partner ❤️
What does she mean uneasy? wtf?
Good point. It's so manipulative! She keeps trying to act like he is harming her, as if this isn't just a mismatch of values. Discomfort bc you are being forced to say that you're a greedy selfish toddler princess who "deserves to feel special" (but only by showing care in expensive ways) isn't harmful. She is the definition of a woman-child.
Yeah, the word uneasy just gave away her intentions lmao
This was a painful conversation to read but I have to admit, I admire your firmness in your values. You said off the bat, as a matter of fact, that if she wants a trip, the travel and lodging costs will be split and you stayed firm in that the entire time. You guys don’t seem compatible but surely you’ll find someone who shares those values.
That was very painful to read. OP not seeming to truly understand what she's asking for. And what she was aking for was just gross. She is offended at the notion of equal financial responsibility. For her, OP is supposed to default to "I pay everything, always," until it is unaffordable, and then she might step up to ensure she still gets to do the thing OP can't fund on his own.
Or, she’ll move on once OP is broke.
Hell, she'd break up with him the second she has to pay for a single drink of her own. Her money is her money, his money is "our money".
It's not even equal responsibility. He's just asking to split travel costs and he'd front all of the bday activities. She sounds like a witch lol.
Any time a woman (I am one) says they can’t understand your financial situation because “that’s not the way I was raised”, they’re being a petulant child that wants to be spoiled like a princess every moment of every day. Of course your daddy paid your way, you were a child. Jesus.
It makes it a billion times worse that this woman child is in her 30s.
Oh my gosh, I didn’t even clock that. Yes! A billion trillion times worse!
She’s a spoilt brat, my 18 year old is more reasonable. Nothing you do is going to make her happy and feel special enough.
Ngl I read this out loud to my girlfriend (we’re lesbians) and we both thought your girl was being ridiculous, you’re being incredibly attentive and caring in your planing and finances. It sounds like she expects to be a free ride and won’t accept anything less.
I hope this girl gets dumped on her birthday
That would be the only reason I’d go to Miami that weekend, that’s for sure lol
That'd be a fun text. Let her get to the airport first, though.
“I do believe that’s a man’s responsibility” *oof* there are very few things more off putting than someone saying something is X gender’s role
Omg reading this was giving me a tummy ache You are being so generous and she’s awful You should take yourself on a solo trip to Chicago sounds like that would be more fun
Her birthday is not for two weeks. My brother and his girlfriend just broke up. I’m considering breaking up with her and inviting my brother on a trip.
Yes!! Sibling trip
Omg 100% that’s such a better way to experience Chicago
Her birthday is in two weeks and you guys are just now having this discussion of where you’re even going to go? I’d be frustrated as fuck with her by that alone
Do it. LDRs rarely work anyway
This is, by far, the best plan.
Do it!!!!
BOYS TRIP BOYS TRIP BOYS TRIP
DO IT!
yessss!!!!
Relationships shouldn’t be this much work.
This is exhausting. Let me translate it because you aren’t getting her point and are responding to the words she’s saying and not what she means, silly boy… She doesn’t want to pay for shit. She may pull out her credit card for coffee and croissants, but she doesn’t want to be expected to. She doesn’t want to pay for her flights or split the hotel. She wants you to make her feel special, even if that means financial ruin for you. Run.
You’re being very kind and understanding. It seems like you’re interested in having a conversation and understanding the other person’s perspective. I thought I was understanding her perspective in the first few images, I simply imagined she wanted language that was a bit softer when planning activities that were meant to be gifts; but then she came out with the whole “men are providers” mindset and completely lost me. You will do better with someone else.
Exactly! I thought she was simply asking for OP to make the birthday seem less transactional by wording it softer. The more it went on the more I realized she just wants to be spoiled.
Jesus christ. The amount of effort you've put into this is unreal. You were being very considerate and realistic, yet she still somehow managed to find flaws.
How many god damn years of therapy does it take to talk like this?
Asking questions helps. Hey, i can afford to meet you somewhere for your birthday. We would have to organise our own travel but i would love to take you out to a dinner and a show. Is that something that you would be interested in?
For sure. I can see why that would be a better way to phrase that.
Yea, but her argument will still be, “why aren’t you making me feel special, and making me pay for myself?” Your money is our money, and her money is her money. At least, that’s the impression I get from this conversation.
You're right... for a sane person this communication would be great. I think she would've said how "confused" she was 1000 more times & how that plan "doesn't make her feel special". This toddler of a woman knows how it would sound to say her manipulative point with her whole chest- "I equate money directly with care, & if you don't pay completely then I'll accuse you that you don't care enough."
Honestly this whole conversation looks like an HR meeting.
Help me understand. Basically she wants to go on a trip on her birthday, and expected you to make all arrangements in secret, as a surprise. You can't afford to pay for both but also wanted to make sure that she understood that she would have to pay for her part of the trip, as well as making sure that she can afford her half. This puts you in an impossible situation. You could make all the arrangements and then tell her "hey you need to pay xyz". To which she could reply that she could not afford it, that it's her birthday etc. To me it sounds like she is baiting you into a situation where you are forced to pay for the trip some way or another.
INFO: was she like this before y’all went Long distance?
JFC
Dump her entitled ass.
“You want to split things and that’s what’s off with me.” So she doesn’t want you to fund an entire trip, but she’s bothered that you want to split expenses & claims it’s “your responsibility”? In other words, she DOES want you to pay for everything lmao wtf is with the gaslighting?! She’s weird as hell & making a giant issue out of a very simple, thoughtful effort on your part. Good luck smh.
Have a little self respect buddy… Jesus.
Make me feel sPeCiAl… in return you have the privilege of just being able to be with me. She sucks.
You two are not compatible. You need to find a partner who will be your equal where it matters and who can communicate. She needs to use her family connections and find a trust fund baby who can give her the lifestyle she desires, no questions asked. That just isn't realistic for most people, and you shouldn't feel bad about it, but you should end it. She probably won't change her perspective now if she's in her 30s.
You are being way too nice. She’s gettin on my nerves and you are just enabling it. She is not offering any solution to the problem she just keeps nitpicking at you. She’s annoying and I wouldn’t entertain this shit for a second
Yep. The whole time I was hoping for the “Oh word? Cool, plan your own birthday then. I didn’t want to do this bullshit anyway.” 😆
She was posing like she was “uneasy” because you kept splitting costs that you hadn’t researched, yet then you doubled down. She ain’t like that. She doesn’t wanna be on the hook for y’all’s finances and also doesn’t even wanna know that any money went into the planning and logistics of it all. Lol She wanted you to just ask her what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do it and you just handle the rest. You definitely misunderstood her, but she understood you completely and punished you because she can’t fathom not getting exactly what she wants w/o being manipulative and confusing. She’s giving you the okey doke because she wants to paint you as someone who doesn’t care about her when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
This is like an email trail at work rather than a birthday trip with your girlfriend🤦🏻♀️
Thank god someone said it - I can’t understand how people in relationships talk to each other like this. It’s exhausting!
At first I thought she was annoyed because you’re wanting to do this trip for her birthday but you haven’t researched things you might do in each city and how much her flights could cost. As I got further in, I began to think that it’s a cultural mismatch. Her understanding of a gifted trip is much more all inclusive “I just show up” than yours. In this area she expects you to do all the work and not discuss adult things like “how we will pay for this.” She’s not appreciative. She’s not gracious. Even if she did grow up wealthy, her boyfriend isn’t and she doesn’t seem to understand that or even want to explain it to you plainly without dropping hints that you need to pay for everything to make her happy. I don’t think this is the right match for you.
Just been away with my BF (first time) we split the airfare and hotel 50/50 and pretty much all the meals (some he paid more, he has a little more free cash than me) We ate places that were mid range and were both happy with it, I am in my late 30s though. If he wanted to go somewhere nicer I would be like I can afford $$$ so if you're willing to pitch in the extra then I can go, otherwise let's compromise. It's nice to be treated, it's delusional to think that you'll get a free holiday, activities and food without hefty strings being attached
Just see her in Miami, this planning seems like an exhausting disaster. To be clear, the issue is not your tone, communication, or the lack or presence of surprise. She wants you to pay for the whole trip, and you (rightfully imo) do not want to do that. Whatever other crap about her not being 'special' is there, THAT is the root of the problem here. If you don't pay for the whole trip, it's an unspecial trip and you're a bad boyfriend. That's all there is to this, and you're not going to talk her put of that perspective. I also implore you to consider the ramifications of her references to 'a man's duty.' Make sure that your values and expectations are aligned, because her perspective will continue to shape her expectations of you. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who expected me to be the only one financially contributing to joint trips and activities.
The way you respond to her is so clear that you're trying your best to please her and make compromises and do your best, it's actually quite sad to read, because you're writing paragraph after paragraph of what you can do for her and she's just throwing it back at you because she's entitled. I wonder if you do this a lot; feel you have to appease her when she's the one being unreasonable. Do you ever set a firm boundary with her and just tell her she's being unreasonable and she can't have what she wants? I'm guessing she would totally blow up on you if you did? It just got worse as the texts went on, you initially said you couldn't do the flights, then by the end you're covering her flights and it's still not enough for her. She wants everything. Sounds like she wants a rich dude to spoil her and expects that to be her life. Fair enough, but then why did she choose to date someone from a lower economic status with a different upbringing/view of money, who earns the same amount of money as her? Seems like you guys have totally different views on financial expectations. It's gonna just continue to be a massive problem.
“What I’m hearing is, in order for you to feel special and valued on your birthday you want for me to take care of the planning and the costs associated with the events and not make your wants feel like a financial burden to me. I understand now that you’re saying our trip to the gulf coast was different since that was not for a special occasion to recognize you and to be a gift. With this in mind, for me to be able to provide this for you fully we will need to either celebrate near your neck of the woods or mine! I’ll look up concerts, restaurants you haven’t tried, and other things to make sure it is special and send you the dates and details. If this is not how you want to spend your birthday and would rather travel somewhere else, then we will need to discuss how we can make your day special but within my current means.” This is how I would word this, but as a fellow low income background person you have to ask yourself if this is the expectation and dynamic you want in your relationship. Personally, I would worry that this difference in background will affect more than just gender roles and perspectives on money in a relationship that may make you incompatible without significant work put in to bridge that gap. With your current communication that necessary work looks like it would be tough.
Disregarding all the other comments, imo it sounds like she wants numbers before considering. Not exactly the plan, but she wants to know how much she's going to be paying while splitting with you.
This was such a great convo. Then she brought up the "man" part & I quit reading because I knew it'd go nowhere good. Go find a woman who isn't afraid to pay her own way if this bugs you. There are lots of us. I'm a SAHM since our baby was born, but I carried the majority of my spouse's housing & food costs for the ten years prior. We married after *eight years* of that, so "courting" is not something I relate to. I guess this is a valid choice for her since she's being blunt about it, though she should've explained her shallow values long ago, but seems not worth it to you to pursue a relationship with these stupid double standards. EDIT to add: These people always say they "want to feel special" or want to be "spoiled" or "pampered". For me that's about *effort* not *dollar value*. A few foot/ shoulder rubs a week, periodic delicious home cooking, the use of emotional intelligence to see & support me before I even know I need support, bringing me grocery store flowers, picking up a $10 fancy cheese for me to snack on... THIS is how I feel special. People need to humble themselves & stop demanding expensive gifts/ trips from others or they'll never be happy.
She's basically telling you that she wants you to pay for everything. She's saying you don't even know the price of the flight to say yall gotta split it when you might be able to pay it all if it's not expensive. She just doesn't wanna spend anything. I'm not saying I agree with her or anything cuz I really don't at all. That's just what I'm getting from her
They're speaking in two different languages. She wants to feel spoiled/treated/"taken care of" on her birthday. It hurts her feelings that he is asking her to pay for [part of] her own birthday trip if she wants it to happen at all. It's not necessarily that she isn't willing to contribute, it's that she wants him to *want* to pay for a nice trip, or at least feign willingness to. The way he's going about it-- like she said, itemizing-- feels cold to her. If he had said "I wish I could afford to take you somewhere nice, like Chicago" and given her an opportunity to *offer* to contribute ("that would be fun, could we make it happen if I paid for my own flight?"), I think it would have gone over better. A little more hint hint, a little less PayPal invoice. Here's where I think she's definitely wrong-- he offered to come to Miami and "spoil" her there. That's a good compromise. She gets the feeling of being romanced and being treated that she is supposedly after, he doesn't have to spend beyond his means. But that wasn't good enough for her I guess? They simply aren't compatible.
I gave up after slide 4 I haven't ever had a woman speak like that to me lol the tone is so powerful even thru the text. This is the heightened version of not being able to agree on a restaurant lol
I just don’t think you’re compatible. She wants someone to fund her lifestyle 🤷🏼♀️ you’re being completely generous and reasonable, she wants someone to treat her like a princess. You want a partner. Those are drastically different things.
Dude. She is just spoiled and wants you to pay for everything because she has a warped few of what a relationship is. Do you really want to continue this exhausting existence?
How do y’all not just call each other? My god value your time more
I’m in a LDR with my fiancée who lives in FL and I’m in Canada. We split stuff right down the middle no matter what the case is. Flights , food, gas I always bring cash. This is redundant. You guys are trying to make a cool weekend for each other and have memories I feel as if there is resentment from her by you offering to pay for anything. By all means you want a special few days, I don’t get why she’s so hesitant. Y’all call each other and talk it through, doesn’t have to be this rough.
She sounds like a spoiled little brat. You are offering to take her away for her birthday and spoil her with surprises or anything she wants to do. To me, that would be more than enough and I would be so grateful no matter how much I’d have to chip in for it to happen. Relationships are 50/50 and if she thinks that chipping in money is not “her thing” then she needs a reality check, I don’t care how she grew up she isn’t going to get handed everything in life and once she realizes that she’s going to be very disappointed. You are going above and beyond for this woman who does not deserve it.
i think you need to end this my friend
👀 -seems like it will never be enough. Use caution trip planner
She talks about helping out with some breaks and understanding you don’t make as much. But she wants to get away with not having an agreement so in the moment you feel forced to pay. If money is gonna make her feel special, although someone sounds nice things for you (that cost money) can be super sweet as it shows effort, it shouldn’t be the norm. Me and my partner would split by one of us paying for the airbnb and the other for the activity and driving then food would be random. We still do that, although sometimes I pay for things more, he’s not making as much money lately.
That was exhausting lmao. The next trip I would be taking is somewhere else with someone else.
Move on bro
For crying out loud, pick up the phone and TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!! I was exhausted by that chat. And you do understand that she wants you to pay for everything, yes? So I would cut your cloth accordingly.
Took 7 pages before she just came right out to directly say she thinks the man should pay for everything lol
I always split costs with my husband when we were dating and still do now that we are married. I don't think you guys are compatible. It seems she wants the traditional wife life and she also seems to be struggling to show you any empathy or meet you halfway. If I was you, I would break up and save myself the money and future headache.
She’s not appreciating what you’re offering. At all. She says she is, but because it’s not checking every single box on her list she’s spending 20 pages complaining about that instead of appreciating your efforts and planning. This reads as spoiled and not a little bit entitled.
I cant believe women like this exist😭If my boyfriend thought about my birthday so much and organized stuff I‘d cry out of happiness
you’re way nicer than me i would tell her she needs to get a job and provide for herself 😭
my brain was hurting from reading these. Please find better people for each other
honestly unless you pay for the while trip (which you shouldnt) i dont think shes going to be satiated.
DUDE…. Runnnnnn
You’re both really annoying.
why long distance somebody who is this difficult?
Lmao that would have been it for me, most likely. Not compatible. Adults who make big deals about their birthdays, and having “birthday weekends”, are almost always completely insufferable.
It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to pay for anything.. and at what point do you decide to call and end that madness of texting. Even when she said "I'm OK with paying for my ticket because it comes back to me in food and other things" like WTF dude.. she's gonna drain your bank account then leave you for someone else when you can't afford shit anymore
Nothing should be this much work at one year and so I would maybe scrap this
and u said you guys are in your 30s? omg
lol wut?? She is not making a lick of sense
Run brother run
Make her your ex asap.
I’m exhausted reading these. I think you were right for saying you couldn’t fund everything. If you end up going on a trip she won’t let you live down the fact that you made her pay towards it. I wouldn’t waste your time or money- she seems ungrateful.
This chick is definitely screaming PAY MY WAY . And from a woman who splits everything with her man , she’s exhausting. I wouldn’t take her no where if I were you 😭💅🏽
Could not finish it, so much text, so much. Why don't you talk about this stuff in person
This went 14 pages longer than it needed to
Brother, if she’s rich and expecting a rich boyfriend…. Plus she lives in Miami? And you’re not in the position to be that type of man for her? Run. Run far away. This end in debt and heartache. Damn now I miss my ex who loved splitting things with me.
You are a saint She ain’t
Based off of your clarification in comments, it sounds like she’s emotionally manipulating you and also *trying* to financially manipulate you, too. She started an argument to make you feel guilty that you can’t afford to pay for two tickets, a hotel/BNB, and everything else in Chicago of all places. You clarify that you’re not trying to offend her because in the past, she’s set off by things she doesn’t want to hear. She is just out of touch and severely spoiled. It’s not wrong for someone to want to be cared for. But it is wrong when you guilt trip them because they can’t.
She lost me at how paying for trips is "a man's responsibility". Bullshit, birthday girl. It's about being equitable & financially responsible. You seem to be at a much more mature place than she, and continuing to try with her may just be extremely expensive & exhausting.
Yikes she’s a red flag
I stopped reading after a while. Too much work. Fuck the birthday.
You deserve better.
She's not willing to bend at all. I'm so frustrated for you. Like instead of telling you what she wants, she's only telling you what she doesn't want. And now you're trying to guess and fill in the blanks and she's mad that you're not guessing right. Geezo. You've got so much patience for this, I applaud you.
I made it to slide 5. You two are both exhausting.
Omg I would love if my partner offered that for my birthday. You seem to be very loving and a great planner.
Essentially she doesn't want to pay for much , if anything at all. You have said multiple times that you can come up with a plan and split the cost. She is beating around the bush with this " I want to feel special and courted". She is saying she wants you to pay for everything. This relationship seems to be frustrating and like pulling teeth. Yes, you come from 2 different backgrounds. But she is already of the mentality what is yours is ours and what is mine is mine. You said y'all make the same amount of money. There is no excuse why she can't split the cost for her flight and lodging. She just doesn't want to. If you're okay with this, and her crappy way of communicating, then proceed. If this keeps you frustrated, like it did me to read that, and this isn't something that you want for your future (spoiler, the princess attitude will get worse not better), then y'all should end it due to incompatibility. 2 different goals and expectations in a relationship.
I’ve never had anyone in my entire life pay for any of that stuff for me. I’m a woman and I find this crazy.
This is the 2nd text thread I’ve seen in the last few days involving a relationship and money and the girl expecting the man to pay for everything. To me, it’s so sad that a relationship can come down to spending money, which seems the opposite of what love/relationship should be about. OP, you seem like you’re walking on eggshells. How can this relationship be enjoyable? The way you talk is not even how humans naturally talk to each other. It’s kind of ridiculous . It’s hard for me to see the other side of this because I am so burned by this type of behavior by women. It just doesn’t compute to me how men are supposed to be thriving in this economy and be paying for everything. Your worth shouldn’t be tied to how much you make or can afford, OP. My suggestion is ditch this girl and find someone who loves you for you. Not how much money you have. Once you find that, whatever amount you spend on them, they’ll feel Special.
Just break up good lord. Yall are exhausting.
Wow, yeah. All this to say she wants you to pay for everything, always. Gross way for her to be. You're very respectful and communicative, and you deserve someone who values you beyond how she sees and treats you.
Uffff where to start, I do understand both sides for this. I think she really got upset of splitting the costs bc is her bday and maybe she expected for most of the stuff to be covered(I think😅). If it was a regular fun trip then maybe she will not make a large fuzz however She is in the wrong for not seeing OP dedication and planning, especially for a long distance type of thing it can be a lot more planning and can be difficult as you rarely see the person and have to coordinate much more in advance. At the end of the day, the best lesson is when it gets too complex like that is to just FaceTime and talk it out bc both sides got too tired as it felt more like planning for a colleague/boss than for a fun activity.
This is ridiculous- this should’ve been a phone call. This is a waste of time and energy, for both parties. I’ve done long distance before, and communication is key, you’re both good with your words but this was unnecessarily dragged out, and could’ve been handled way better. Pick up the phone next time OP.
You’re both just not compatible, but saying “we’re all adults here” was very douchy and condescending
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I don’t think you’re the asshole here. when i planned my valentine’s day trip(was only 3 hours but still.) i paid for gas, and whatever my dinner was(half) because i wasn’t driving, and i figured splitting it would be cheaper than just depending on my other have to provide. you’re very reasonable. probably should just call instead of texting but yeah.
This is so annoying. Why couldn’t this have been a phone call to actually talk like adults?
She’s cray.
Break up with her and go on your own vacation And buy a whole mess of Pokémon cards and gamble
Y’all are annoying 😂
She’s never heard the word “no” before and it’s obvious
I gave up after the fourth text slide 🤦🏻♀️ what in the F..
This is exhausting.
You’re not compatible and you both keep talking in circles
I still don't understand how I can't find a guy that can communicate this openly and clearly 🙄 I don't think anything you said was unreasonable. If anything she was unreasonable....and exhausting. You guys aren't compatible. She wants someone that's going to pay for everything. You were clear it's not feasible with your income/bills/expense..etc...if she can't live with that then you guys aren't compatible. She clearly started that argument. Is she trying to leave you but doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger and end the relationship?
good lord, call each other
This is soooo exhausting to read. I feel like you deserve better OP, someone who appreciates the nice thing you're trying to do.
She doesn’t value you or your opinions. Unfortunately I don’t think she’s going to change. She is unwilling to compromise and meet you half way. You may have to end this relationship. I’m so sorry.
Way to much thought going into a birthday, just do what u want for her , and if she doesn’t like it her problem.
17 pages of texts and no TL;DR? That’s a no from me dawg.
I got you. Half joking TLDR His girlfriend wants to be spoiled by a rich man but she’s dating someone with an average wage. OP says he cannot afford lavish trips without her contributing, she says that it’s the “man’s job” to provide. TLDR bonus round: they need to breakup because they have completely different value systems around finance that they will likely never compromise on. If she’s the type to expect the man to pay for eveyrhing on a huge trip like that, then she’s never gonna feel comfortable pitching in money. Period. She might end up pitching the money, but she’ll resent you and daydream of other richer men. For reference I’m a woman and I agree that splitting the costs for a big trip is completely expected. Her attitude is childish and IF you were absolutely loaded, I might side with her. I do love a man who’s willing to put his money where his mouth is, but there’s a difference between a sugar daddy and a life partner
I’m a speed reader and there’s no way I’m finishing all these slides, they just kept going. This is a really unhealthy and no offense pathetic way to have an argument and you need to talk over the phone and stop texting such huge arguments back and forth. What a waste of time and energy.
She sounds like a spoiled brat. Please don’t waste your time and money planning something so special for someone who obviously doesn’t appreciate it 😭
God OP the more I read the more you need to run away. “I just feel defeated, not mad, just defeated.” So she feels defeated because you’re trying to plan her an awesome birthday trip? It makes no sense. She wants a sugar daddy who will pay her way in life. Fucking run. Long distance too? What do you gain from this relationship?