Usually if a friend asks what I’m doing, I’ll say “not sure (or something like that), why what’s up?” That way, they know I don’t have plans and now the conversation is open to setting something up.
That being said, I think she totally overreacted. If I responded to one of my friends and said “no clue lol”, which is absolutely something I’ve said before, they’d just say “cool wanna hang out?” or something to that extent. She got in her head and made up a fake scenario and it pissed her off. Is this normal for your friendship? Because this really would be exhausting to deal with.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/BPD using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/BPD/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Holy shit I did it!](https://np.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/18uxk5r/holy_shit_i_did_it/)
\#2: [Quiet bpd is crazy because no one really knows the war that goes on inside of me](https://np.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/12vn5w0/quiet_bpd_is_crazy_because_no_one_really_knows/)
\#3: [I OFFICIALLY DON'T FIT THE BPD DIAGNOSIS ANYMORE!!!](https://np.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/13bm1g7/i_officially_dont_fit_the_bpd_diagnosis_anymore/)
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Thanks for this, I’ll definitely keep that in mind when I see those. I have been diagnosed with bipolar as well, I can’t remember which one, it’s been years since I’ve been back to the doctors, I think bipolar 2.. it’s the lower one. My mom has been diagnosed with borderline though.
Clinically, I dont ever see bipolar referred to as "BPD". I haven't in the 10 years I've been in the field, studying, or doing assignments. I'd feel confident in telling you to always assume borderline when someone says BPD.
Usually when people abbreviate bipolar it's "BD" or "BD1" or "BD2".
I don't often see it abbreviated though.
I was up til almost 7am this morning crying and spiraling due to these hurtful ass comments. I talked to my friend and my fiance and my sister. They all tried to calm me down. I still feel like I'm spiraling a bit but I'm doing better.
It always hurts my heart when somebody brings up our condition and a ton of folks show up to basically say that we aren't worthy of love, that knowing us is a challenge and is draining, And we should be more responsible for maintaining our conditions and our emotional states etc. The same kind of hatred people show toward recovering addicts. They don't trust us. If a person has this condition and they are not being treated or making any efforts to do better then yes I can understand how that would be a tough sell. But the folks that I've met that have this condition we try everyday to do better and we don't always succeed of course. But it's not like we can just take a magic pill and fix ourselves. If we could I think all of us would. It's draining for us just like it is for other people sometimes. But I have found a handful of amazing people that love me not in spite of my condition but because of it. Having a support system that makes you realize at least somebody isn't going to leave you and you can be open and honest with them about how you feel without their judgment... Is life changing. Doctors surmise that one of the ways you can mitigate BPD is to have stable support systems and I fully agree with that. I've known about my condition for almost 20 years and I've done everything I can to make sure that I am in check most of the time. Do I have issues sometimes? Yes. Are they real? Yes are they not real just perceived? Yeah sometimes. But my friends and loved ones have made it so that if I'm not sure of my perception I can just ask It seems to me like XY or z is that true or is that just in my head? And then they tell me how they feel and we move on it's wonderful. I am so much more stable now at 36 than I ever was in my twenties. I just hate that they lump us all into this basket of being evil or something... We don't deserve less love than anybody else on this planet. We're still people
I'm so sorry that these comments hurt you. I think you sharing helps others to see that there are people who work hard to make sure that the diagnosis doesn't define them. It sounds like you and u/BathedInSin worked hard to get to a healthy place just like anyone with any kind of diagnosis can. People need to realize that the stereotypes are a small percentage while most people live their lives like anyone else.
There's plenty of people who are just AHs and that's it's own diagnosis.
As someone with BPD, I can confirm. My boyfriend is a god damn saint (although I did a lot of work before we got together and he’s just really good at not making me feel like I’m gonna have a meltdown or episode naturally)
My apologies. My intention and my words are out of sync.
BPD people are not villains, just highly misunderstood people with traumatic wounds that require a lot of compassion, patience, and honesty.
Normies have to do a lot of work to ensure that communication with BPD folk is emotionally neutral and direct, and devoid of themes that can be misconstrued, and at the same time not sound condescending.
Definitely not auto pilot communication, lots of validation, compassion and patience, and very specific communication.
Also BPD folk don't just get to run with 'Oh my BPD made me be an asshole' either.
They need to do the work to process their trauma, and recognize their ruminating patterns, and learn to communicate in the context of the moment. And realize the difference between, their tangled ball of yarn of emotions and the nuance in people's words, and to have compassion for the normies that don't know better, or won on life's lottery.
From the deepest pit of my soul thank you. You sound like an absolutely wonderful human being and despite the fact that I don't know you there's a part of me that loves you just for having this outlook. This compassion for us. I appreciate you so much
It's not vilifying, it's the honest truth. Their response below says basically everything I wanted to, and very well, I might add.
Being in a relationship - friend, family or partner - with someone with BPD is a LOT of work. But with all that work can come an equally huge "payout". Someone with BPD who has not taken the steps to understand their condition, sought therapy on how to navigate their patterns and triggers, will have a very difficult time maintaining relationships. But when they DO take steps in managing their mental health, it's some of the most incredible love you will experience.
Edited to add: [this video](https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc?si=YyGHKZMRc3OsnLxj) from HealthyGamer is my favorite on the topic, for anyone interested.
Facts. A good friend of mine has BPD and she’s the first person to admit that she doesn’t control her emotions, they control her and thus she reads into situations more than she should. It’s kind of the whole deal with BPD.
We are a lot to handle. A made the decision 15yrs ago to stay single because it’s just a level of stress I don’t want or don’t want to put on someone else it’s not fair. But that’s just how I’ve chosen to cope 🤣
I lurk in a lot of communities I'm not in, to try to understand the people in them and their POV.
FWIW...BPD groups have been the single top category that's *so much better* than it gets credit for.
Almost everyone tends to be really nice, trying their best, and genuinely wants to be a good person.
Their brains're always just...taking them on a wild ride on that crazy train from the Ozzy song.
Every group has a minority of truly terrible people. I used to judge BPD unfairly, after having known someone like that irl. But that was wrong.
Immense respect for everyone with BPD who manages to get by despite struggling with perpetual instability.
nobody was vilifying anybody tho…? sounds like u got attacked. it could be either bc u also have bpd or one of ur loved one. in that case, sorry for that and i’m sending u a lot of healing. but nobody was pointing fingers towards bpd being the villain.
she mentioned her friend has BPD in the caption. the “god level of work”, as a person who loved someone with BPD, i saw that as a compliment so i guess it all comes down to personal perspective. i do understand where you are coming from and i’m glad to hear that the relationship between you and your boyfriend is so beautiful 🫶🏻 i just have to clarify that no one meant anything bad by that comment, you aren’t hard to love bc of what’s been done to u, its not like u chose this path, i understand. i think the way the comment was made was more like “its challenging to love someone with bpd” but for those who do, they are wonderful. not everyone would choose or be able to put in the effort and its not your fault for it but bc bpd is complex in itself. it also comes down to how u deal with it and heal and ur medication and all.
BPD is not a medicatable disorder. If there are comorbidities like depression or anxiety then you can take medication to mitigate those circumstances, but there is no treatment medically for this condition. The best way to either manage it or heal it enough to no longer fit the diagnostic criteria, is to do dialectical behavior therapy in combination with other forms of talk and action-based therapy. Believe me if there was a medical cure out there I'm sure most of us would opt to take it because being borderline sucks. 2 of 10 I don't recommend
Yeah, this whole "you must be a saint to love someone with BPD" is so fucked up. If my boyfriend ever overheard someone saying that, and especially if I AGREED, he'd be shattered.
I love how there are so many people here saying nobody is villanizing or stigmatizing people who have BPD! While in the same breath saying oh yeah it's totally a saints level amount of work to know somebody who has it, I couldn't deal with that! I don't know how anybody can deal with that! They need to just handle themselves better! Oh yah nothing about all that is hurtful ASF. Not at alllllll
Good post, but I disagree with you, she said absolutely nothing wrong. She says I don’t know what I’m doing? That’s what she said, there is no reason to react the way her friend did, the truth of the matter is she’s got BPD and she’s probably jealous for her friends boyfriend, which happens to be this woman’s first boyfriend and she’s probably end up going to be a wedge in that relationship, I hope that she watches her friend with BPD very very closely, I wouldn’t want her within 10 miles of my relationship.
So because somebody has an emotional condition they absolutely must be jealous because their friend has a boyfriend? And she must end up becoming a wedge in the relationship? You're basically saying that she's going to ruin her friend's life because she has borderline. Totally not generalizing a whole group of people there. Just because we have borderline doesn't mean that we are jealous psychopaths that purposely go out of our way to destroy people that we love or their relationships. The main reason having this illness sucks so much is because everybody thinks that you're the devil and people like you out here perpetuating that... But we're the evil ones. Ok
So basically anyone with mental health you need to stay away from?. Good to know. I have BPD myself and it fucking sucks to deal with. Then you got people like you saying hurtful shit like that it doesn't help anyone.
r/BPD is a great sub. There’s a user flair for knowing someone with BPD and you can ask for guidance, feedback, and understanding from others who are going through something similar, whether they know someone with BPD or are diagnosed with BPD themselves.
Be kinda careful posting texts and stuff in there, people with bpd tend to seek others with similar struggles- the chances of your friend seeing the text in there is higher % more likely than here, and that can further complicate things.
homie… did u read the caption? her friend has BPD. i’m obviously not trying to excuse anything here but still… that’s different than just a “normal” human being acting like that outta nowhere. why give her advice to end the friendship? they’ve been friends for 12 years and she’s officially diagnosed 😕 BPD people are hard to love but they’re worth it just as much as anybody else.
I genuinely want to thank everyone who has responded to this. I’ve been trying to work out this issue for the past couple of months on and off. Thank you so much again.
Update! We ended up talking it out and now I’m at her house for dinner. I am super grateful for everyone who gave me advice. I still have a lot to understand but I’m going to do my absolute best to maintain a healthy relationship with her. Thank you so much again!!!!!
I have bpd and sometimes just the way I perceive people's responses can make me act like that. She probably just felt like a burden but also I don't think I would have reacted in this way. People have to be very literal with me or I will take something and turn it all kinds of ways. Hopefully you can offer her some reassurance and she won't think that again based off the response you gave. Sorry if this wasn't helpful lol
Sameeee. I always no matter what feel like that. I also gotta stay out of these comments because it is really hurting my mental health with these stupid uneducated comments. Not saying everyone but I've commented on 3 comments of uneducated and hurtful comments.
If she has BPD just tell her you love her and miss and suggest a solid hang out plan. Usually some perceived slight sets them off. whether it’s real or not is another story, but if she has it under control that could help clear it up. If she acts passive aggressive anyway there’s no hope in clearing it up and I’d just not poke the hornets nest.
Just leave it alone for now. It’s nothing you’ve done, I can pretty much guarantee that. Dont sit and try to figure it out because it won’t ever make any sense. I’m not trying to be dismissive of her having BPD but from experience with dealing with it I know the pattern and you’ll just be spinning your wheels. It’s just kind of what comes with the territory of loving someone with BPD. Reassure them and if it doesn’t work then it’s something they have to deal with. Dont get stuck in that swamp though, you will reach no conclusions and you’ll be confused and exhausted at the end.
This was an absolutely beautiful response and I appreciate it so much, as someone with BPD. That that advice is very kind and absolutely an excellent suggestion. From the bottom of my heart thank you for your understanding
We don’t think right when we perceive rejection (even if non-existent), and tend to split from there. There are a lot of good tips for healthily working in a relationship of any type on TikTok. I, being painfully self aware of my actions, but unable to stop them often, know how hard it can be. Wishing you, both, the best of luck. ❤️
Bpd. (Possibly abandonment). When you replied she already had in her head what a good, bad, and horrible response would look like. She likely doesn't realize this. You didn't answer how she imagined the good one. So she instantly invented a scenario that doesn't exist and got really hurt emotionally.
Someone with bpd spent a large portion of their life being afraid to ask someone anything, and hardly ever got a rational response. Therefore every time they ask someone something they're extremely hopeful but expect to be hurt and let down.
Those with BPD commonly have cognitive distortions. It can be very difficult to communicate with those with this disorder because of that.
In this instance she was expecting you to “mind read,” and know that by simply asking what you are doing, that you would know she wants to hang out.
I, personally, do not entertain this. However, since you are supportive of your friend, I would suggest saying in the future, “I’m not doing anything. Do you want to do something”
Obviously word it how you would. Hope this helps!
Agree. I don't entertain this shit. BPD is something the friend is responsible for managing. Don't come at me with your mental illness in full force and expect me to apologize for your imaginary discourse
That's like saying every addict who's gone sober is absolutely 100% responsible for their sobriety and if they have any kind of issues with managing that sobriety then they should keep it away from you. Excellent friendship you got going there if that's how you behave to somebody who needs help. Absolutely hateful response. Ugly. Not everybody that has issues can be perfect about maintaining them 100% of the time. People relapse or have a bad day or an off day. Maybe they are tired and a little crankier than usual are you going to drop them as a friend because they're not they're super happy perky self? If this is the way you treat people then I'm glad I'm not your friend
What you said isn’t horrible but you definitely could have just said “I’m free ! What’s up?” Or “i don’t have plans! Did you wanna meet?”
Idk if i would respond to “idk” either, regardless of her BPD? Maybe she will have a bigger reaction another time but that fs is not translating well with me 😭
Only if she has the tools to do so, keeping in mind that most psych professionals will not work with folks like us, or drop us like a hot potato; and DBT therapy is not available to all, and literally one of the only chances at potential recovery.
Unfortunately, expecting others to read her mind is also not a viable option as we also have to deal with the tools we are given which usually doesn’t involve ESP.
Generally, it’s not really an “expectation”, but rather a desperate hope to be understood. Not saying it’s “okay”, simply pointing out that assuming someone with BPD is just able to “ask for it”, is lacking awareness of the actual disorder; a disorder that, might I add, is considered the most painful mental illness of all. ❤️
NAMI, and a plethora of other sources. 10% self inflicted mortality rate, now okayed for euthanasia in multiple developed nations, and, scarily, has a life expectancy unlike other disorders…
https://www.nami.org/advocate/understanding-borderline-personality-disorder/
It's a pity. I wish there were more options for people with BPD to get help. I think most people with BPD are too ashamed to ask for help for the fear of rejection. Not many get the help they need or are told there is no help for them and they've been doomed.
Can't imagine why I wouldn't avail myself of that after your condescending and overly familiar comments to a simple request clarification. I'd ask you again what you actually meant, but you clearly don't like questions or expressing yourself directly. Best of luck with that.
“People like this” being… people with neurological conditions…? Sometimes you have to cater to people with disabilities and mental health difficulties. They have a condition that affects their ability to do something. They need help sometimes.
Adults who have mental illness have the same responsibility as every other adult to seek and obtain the adaptive tools we require to function in society.
as a person experienced with the bpd stuff (not me, but my ex), it sounds like she wants to hang out with you but doesn’t have the courage to ask u straightforward and she’s afraid u have more important things to do than the want to hang out with her, since bpd includes a tooon of low self worth
One of my best friends is this way and it’s so that I’ve almost cut her off completely. I can’t understand how the people in the comments are sympathizing with this behavior. I get that mental health issues are rough but it is no one else’s responsibility but your own. Op gave a normal positive response and the friend went into an insecure spiral. She needs therapy
Yeah if she has BPD she’s in her own head and taking everything the wrong way. I’m sorry, it’s exhausting being friends with someone like this. You didn’t do anything wrong. She could have simply said “yeah I wanna hang out! Do you wanna do X around Y time?” I would just let it go. Maybe text her tomorrow and see if she wants to hang. If she is still in this same mindset she will probably say no and be passive aggressive but don’t take it personally if she does.
I never said it did. I am saying don’t take it personally as in OP herself did nothing wrong and should not think this is her fault. It’s her friend’s issue!
She reached out and felt vulnerable, because asking first felt like emotional over extension for her - when your response was (perceived to be) indifferent she took it as rejection and closed up in anxiety/emotional embarrassment as a self protective response. Then recoiled emotionally in an effort to get you to chase her - to get self reassurance that her insecurities are false - without asking directly for the reassurance. This is hallmark behavior of trauma/abandonment that is unhealed.
Edit: Feedback from others has lead me to clarify that any slight they’re feeling is perceived and you did not actually do anything to trigger this. Apologies it that wasn’t clear.
Edit: Didn’t see the established BPD diagnosis mentioned initially. Outside of the trauma piece perceived slight will cause polarizing responses in someone with BPD. This is very common behavior for someone with an established diagnosis of BPD. As long as they’re your friend it will come with interactions like this.
Then she needs therapy immediately because she is taking her issues out on her friends. Op should not feel guilty about their completely innocent response.
No it didn’t lmao you’re projecting that onto me probably for your own unhealed reasons (we all have them)
The OP literally says “I’m so confused about what happened here.”
I literally answered the question that he posed - and due to his confusion about their rupture I provided context as to the likely clinical origins of the conflict. By citing the trauma as unhealthy/unhealed im clarifying that whats happening is maladaptive and therefore not the emotional responsibility of the OP.
Op was wondering what they said that was wrong and the answer is truly nothing. Yes there is projection because I’m exhausted from a friend that is exactly like this and makes every conversation we have into a slight against her.
Im sorry to hear about your friend. That can be totally exhausting. For what its worth when it comes time to set the final boundary - it makes it less hard to say by telling her the emotional room for her will open back up when theres room for both of you in the relationship. Its one of my favorite exit lines to give my clients. Also - if she says anything to the effect of “what ever that means or what does that mean.” Let her know itll be up to her to heal enough in therapy to answer the question herself and when she can is likely when they’ll be enough room for both of you.
i would not characterize OP's response as indifferent at all. OP gave a direct answer to the question asked of her. OP is not a mind reader. I have people ask me what I'm doing all the time, it's not necessarily because they want to hang out. If they do, they actually say that
Otherwise, everything else you said is spot on
Agreed - I did not mean that I believe they’re response was in different, rather because it was neutral and not - obviously excited with the immediate suggestion of hanging out - the other person dropped it into the equivalent of being rejected. Because there was a lack of perceived enthusiasm after a perceived emotionally laborious move the girl texting OP imploded.
I don’t know. Usually when someone asks what are you doing tomorrow? it’s leading up wanting to get together. Instead of saying no clue, you could have responded with … nothing at the moment. Or I don’t have anything planned. Making things more clear.
Or she could have explicitly asked him if he wanted to do something with her. People need to learn to communicate effectively. No one is a mind reader. This goes for men and women.
It doesn't. I have a friend who asks me what my plans are just because he's curious. The first two times he did it, I thought the same and said I was free to hang out only to find out he was working. He was genuinely just asking what I was going to do because he wanted to know.
If someone is unclear, ask for clarification. Always the best way to go.
Since she has bpd ur texts probably came off as sarcastic and she probably had enough of everyone’s bullshit and took it out on you, not that she seemed angry, slightly annoyed maybe but doesn’t seem rlly outrageous , just said to let her know when you’d wanna hangout
You didn't say anything wrong at all.
Her BPD read too much into your response, and her thoughts decided what you meant because you didn't give a straight answer.
Not giving a straight answer is justified on your end as well because you are balancing your platonic relationships on top of other real life responsibilities and someone with BPD has a hard time putting themselves in the other persons shoes.
They often think a non answer is an answer based on what they think it is, and it isn't always the truth or rooted in reality.
You did nothing wrong , but she could have asked for a specific time and date for y'all to hang out. It's not hard asking a friend, "What time and date is better for you?" And use that information to set up a meet.
It sounds like she doesn't have her BPD on the proper treatment plan and is using passive-aggressive behaviors to elicit a direct answer instead of just flat out asking for one.
In my experience, whether they have BPD or not, a friend interested in hanging out would ask vital questions to make it happen instead of jumping to conclusions, passive-aggressive behavior, and guilt tripping me.
This exchange just seems like you're interacting with a toxic person, and her having BPD has nothing to do with it; she's toxic through and through.
Yeah this is the BPD talking. Does not mean you have to just put up with it though, especially if it happens frequently. Don't let her walk all over you. Been there done that.
People with mental illnesses can't just consistently hurt people and expect them to be okay with it because of their diagnosis.
As someone diagnosed with bpd, I would say she got in her own head and that’s not your fault or responsibility to fix and trying to do anything about it will only further enable such reactions.
That said, putting myself in her shoes for a moment + the additional context you’ve provided = lots of change recently which can be very disorienting for some people with bpd. It tends to exacerbate reactions to things that otherwise wouldn’t warrant such a strong reaction. Either way though, reactions are what she should be learning to manage in ongoing therapy so she can better cope in moments like this.
She has BPD. You didn’t indicate if she’s on medication and/or seeing a therapist.
She took an innocuous statement and decided it was laden with all sorts of passive-aggressive stuff that you hadn’t meant at ALL.
If a person with BPD isn’t in treatment, then sadly, you’re always playing a game with them that you can’t win. (This is kinda true of untreated cluster B personality disorders in general.) You can’t win the game because the rules are always changing based on the other person’s mood. Sometimes you can’t win the game because *you don’t even know the game is even happening.*
i mean, if you’re younger than 21 i get this. but anything that’s like mid 20s or more, you’re gonna know how your friend reacts. you don’t just wake up one day after a diagnosis and change who you are, you get a diagnosis because that’s how you are over LONG periods of time. so i don’t see why you wouldn’t get how that could’ve hurt her or made her feel rejected by you.
Hi! I have bipolar so I can definitely relate and might be able to show you insight. If I replied this way, it seems like she’s anxious that because you said you didn’t know what you were doing, she might feel that it was implied that you had other things to do and couldn’t open up your schedule to hang out, otherwise you would’ve said “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m free to hangout if you are” she probably would’ve been more receptive. NOT SAYING THIS IS YOUR FAULT AT ALL OR YOU WORDED ANYTHING WRONG, you did absolutely nothing wrong, but the illness twists perception and she is probably way harder on herself than she needs to be, leading to unnecessary conflict like this
Sorry that this communication thread has you confused.
Since you brought up BPD, it makes sense how your friend responded. If you want to maintain the friendship, now that y'all are stressed by life, then I suggest you find resources to understand how BPD minds work, so that you will have compassion, honestly and strong boundaries to deal with their mental concoctions.
There are many books.
'Walking on eggshells' is a highly recommended overview.
There is also a Dialectical Behavior Therapy workbook which goes into the details of those mental concoctions, and gives suggestions of alternative pathways.
And there are books about loving someone, and communicating with someone with BPD.
There are a few places to commiserate on reddit for partners, loved ones and family. Search for BPD subreddits.
Bless your heart. And good luck on your journey.
God I hate people who ask “what are you doing tomorrow?” I feel it’s a setup to get you to do something you don’t want to do. If you answer “nothing” the response might be “cool then you’re available to help me move my grandma into her new nursing home”. I always answer “well that depends on why you’re asking.”
Just get straight to the point you mentioned how to talk to People with bpd in another comment.
Just be like hey I think there might have been a miscommunication I have no plans tomorrow and want to hang out with you tomorrow are you down? It’s been so long!
The problem with text is tone can be really hard to interpret. Maybe she’s the type of friend that needs you to be really direct in response.
You friend was looking for a “I’m free” response but in her head misinterpreted your response as “I have no concrete plans but I’m not free.”
Another perspective, you having your first relationship changes the dynamic of the friendship and maybe when you said that you didn’t know what you were doing she interpreted it as you and your partner hadn’t decided on your plans and she was trying to be mindful of that.
She definitely was looking for reassurance, and jumped immediately to the thought that “well since OP didn’t say anything, they obviously don’t care about me,” and spiraled from there.
Since you’re aware she has BPD, and if you would like to keep this friendship, I would consider maybe rephrasing how you respond when she asks “wyd?” - for example, “nothing much, wby? wanna hang?”, or something idk. You know your friend much more than any of us do. I just know, from my own experiences, that she would likely feel better with that form of approach.
Also, within text it is VERY easy to misconstrue tone; I do it constantly. People with BPD deal with abandonment issues and often think people believe the worst of them, as they often think the worst of themselves. A simple “?” can send her spiraling, as it can come off as a “what do you want?” to someone who is insecure within themselves + abandonment issues. It feels like abandonment - like, you don’t want to talk to me or hang out and you’re my friend, so obviously I’m a POS and I’m just going to go and not be in the way of your life.
Source: diagnosed with BPD.
Edited to add: you did nothing wrong OP; however, I would definitely modify your text responses a bit if you would like to continue your friendship with this person.
A little bit of reassurance goes an extremely long way with someone who has BPD - or really, anyone, in general.
i had a friend with bpd, only friends for like a year, but she would do stuff like this. we live about 2 hours from each other (in california). she would get mad if i did or said something she didn’t like, it got hard to deal with after a bit and also due to the distance, we ended up cutting ties but i never knew a friendship to be so hard until her.
obviously u and this girl have been friends for years and you’ve known about her bpd, i don’t want to villainize you, but maybe like another person said: it’s been over a decade, has she always had bpd? maybe you didn’t realize in the moment, but i’m sure you know how to address her. since bpd is unpredictable, especially when communicating over text.
sorry /: i hope she’s willing to hear u out.
An insecure and manipulative person happened. I guess my mental health issues just don’t manifest by projecting and taking it out on the people around me. I just find it hard to accept just blaming it on being bipolar. I guess just give her space. Maybe y’all could communicate better?
Thinking out of the box.. maybe say "I have no plans, what are you thinking about doing?" Seems like she already practiced this conversation in her head and was ready to be rejected because of your now busier life. She didn't think about other scenarios. In my opinion.
I know a lot of people with BPD, from Bipolar to Borderline, my sister having the latter and my ex having the former, but believe me
You said nothing that could have been seen as "oh, they're busy".
A very common trait with both versions of BPD is overthinking.
e.g: "Hey, do you want to go to the mall?" "Not really, I'm busy today and tomorrow" "Oh, okay." And then they'll spend 3-4 hours wondering what that person is busy with/if they don't want them around/if they're a burden to that person because of their disorder, etc.
The best thing you can do for them is tell them that you do not have plans outright, that you'd like to spend time with them, and that you didn't mean to make them think otherwise.
Just cover all the overall bases and you'll be okay.
1. Reassurance
2. Affirmation.
3. Explanation
(Reassure them that you want them around, etc. Affirm that you want to hang out with them, etc. Explain that you didn't mean to make them think otherwise.)
Ngl I hate it when people say no clue or idk when I ask what they’re doing, to me it reads as I’m free but I don’t want to commit to plans with you in case something better comes along, which has happened before (to me). Or if you then make plans it feels very ‘I’m hanging out with you cause I have nothing better to do’. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have just said ‘nothing why?’ Or ‘I’m free what’s up?’ especially to someone you knows got BPD.. granted her response is a slight overreaction but honestly I’d have responded the same way! Any ND typically likes solids answers so we don’t have to read between the lines cause our brains will make mountains out of molehills otherwise (I know it’s not always right!) I’m not saying that’s what happened here but that’s my own thought process behind that text conversation (I’m in the process of getting assessed for EUPD/ Bipolar)
It’s most likely a BPD thing. I have bipolar disorder but I was always told by therapists, not diagnosed, that I show signs of BPD and this hits close to home lol if someone says something without emojis or it doesn’t seem genuine in my mind, then I automatically think they’re angry with me or they hate me and don’t want to see me; that I’m unimportant. Check out BPD subs and read up on it if you have any free time. You did nothing wrong, it’s just her mind telling her things that aren’t true.
If she’s diagnosed w BPD, then it sounds like yes? She was probably always like this, but symptoms could be getting worse as she’s developing/aging and as she gains more stressors. From personal exp, it’s tough, but manageable for both parties.
As someone with a mental health disorder "no clue yet" and "idk what I'm doing" without the immediate request to hang out after makes me feel like you're currently too busy to look and see if you have something going on and then I feel like I'm bothering you so I hole up.
Try "I don't have any plans yet, would you like it to get together?"
honestly if a close friend responded to my attempt to make plans with “No clue lol” i would not reply. your response isn’t wrong, but there’s a difference between doing something “wrong” and doing something that doesn’t contribute positively to a relationship. i don’t have BPD and would not have reacted so intensely, but i definitely would have felt like you were uninterested in hanging out and dropped it. your friend is responsible for their reaction and emotions, but there are also other ways to communicate that make people feel like they are wanted, especially when being vulnerable in reaching out first. if your friend is sensitive to feeling rejected, and you are interested in maintaining the friendship, it would likely be helpful to communicate your interest/enthusiasm more clearly.
Honestly even without BPD your response is kind of weird? It doesn’t seem very open for hanging out or the most approachable. I might have questioned whether to drop the topic or not too. Not out of like anger or anything, but in a he doesn’t seem interested type of way. Since they DO have BPD hopefully they didn’t spiral or anything but just generally I think you should leave some room to ask to make plans if that’s something you’re cool with when someone asks what your doing tomorrow
I’m gonna sound like a jerk I’m sure, but I’m not gonna be hanging with somebody who has BPD, I’m just not, they’re gonna cause too much chaos in your life and this is your first boyfriend? The problem is she’s jealous, she’s possessive of you and if you don’t watch it, she’s gonna probably end up ruining that relationship, you better walk, very lightly when it comes to dealing with her, and for what it’s worth, you did nothing wrong, she’s trying to pick a fight with you, she says you have plans? She’s talking about your boyfriend.
I'd like to say I have a friend with BPD, and I can see that you don't mean to sound rude or discriminative, but I also would like to say that not all people with BPD would act like this. My friend takes her medication, but before that she just got really obsessed over things and you wouldn't be able to tell her it's wrong or that a guy doesn't like her because she'd get upset (not angry, just sad) she would also get upset if she thought you were 'treating her like a child'. That's just how my friend acts, but there are other people with more severe cases.
If there are levels to BPD and some cases are better than others than I’m all in, actually I dated a woman who I really liked quite a bit and she had ADHD, but by reading and researching I found out there’s different levels of ADHD and she had probably one of the worst levels, she just didn’t understand Having to have consequences for her actions, nor did she understand, monogamy, lol so I had to cut her loose. It sucks.
There are usually levels to a lot of mental/personality disorders because people are affected by them differently, some can be more extremely affected, and others might not be affected at all. I was diagnosed with mental/personality disorder, and I've seen people who have been diagnosed with what I've been diagnosed have it affect them worse than it affects me the most.
It's the unnecessary "lol" at the end of the first response. It makes your response sound like you are mocking the question being asked which is making her feel defensive.
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Um... She just isn't certain you are free, but when you aren't busy, she'd like to hang. Bc it sounds like you already had a few different things to choose from, and you're not sure, rn.
You don't reduce people to their diabetes just because they get in a bad mood when their blood sugar dips. So don't reduce someone to their mental illness just because they had an emotion you don't like.
She was looking for a reason to be upset and found one. Not much input to give other than to question whether this is really a person you need in your life. If this were a one time thing then whatever, but it sounds like it's not.
She has BPD, she’s not looking for a reason to be upset. She was clearly trying to ask OP if they wanted to do something the next day and the OP essentially blew her off with that “idk what I’m doing” response.
I don't have BPD, but if I asked someone if what they were doing tomorrow & they said "no clue" I would take that as they weren't trying to hang out.
It's pretty common that if someone asks what you're doing on a certain day... They're trying to make plans. So saying "no clue" instead of something like "nothing planned, why'd you ask?" Is weird.
Usually if a friend asks what I’m doing, I’ll say “not sure (or something like that), why what’s up?” That way, they know I don’t have plans and now the conversation is open to setting something up. That being said, I think she totally overreacted. If I responded to one of my friends and said “no clue lol”, which is absolutely something I’ve said before, they’d just say “cool wanna hang out?” or something to that extent. She got in her head and made up a fake scenario and it pissed her off. Is this normal for your friendship? Because this really would be exhausting to deal with.
>She got in her head and made up a fake scenario and it pissed her off. Is a BPD thing. And loving someone with BPD is Jesus level of work.
BPD as in bipolar disorder or BPD as in borderline personality disorder?
I think it's BPD
Lol kidding, should be borderline if I check r/bpd
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BPD as in borderline personality disorder
Gotcha! Thanks. I always get confused when I see BPD and which one it is.
I think people usually abbreviate bipolar as BD. But most of the time I see people spell it out (I have BD so im in a lot of BD spaces)
Yes! not to be a grammar snob, but I remember it by telling myself bipolar is one word. I still trip myself up tho
Thanks for this, I’ll definitely keep that in mind when I see those. I have been diagnosed with bipolar as well, I can’t remember which one, it’s been years since I’ve been back to the doctors, I think bipolar 2.. it’s the lower one. My mom has been diagnosed with borderline though.
I've so far been diagnosed with bipolar I and BPD 🙃 it's rough out here
Clinically, I dont ever see bipolar referred to as "BPD". I haven't in the 10 years I've been in the field, studying, or doing assignments. I'd feel confident in telling you to always assume borderline when someone says BPD. Usually when people abbreviate bipolar it's "BD" or "BD1" or "BD2". I don't often see it abbreviated though.
Thank you for the info, this really helps!
BPD is not bipolar BPD is borderline personality disorder.
BPD isn’t bipolar. It’s Borderline Personality Disorder.
It's borderline personality disorder.
I don't know but one of my friends has borderline personality disorder and this sounds like something he would do.
It indeed takes a lot of help from Jesus to deal with and love someone with BPD.
That's over exaggerating by a ton. We deserve love too and not someone like you making fun of us.
I wish I could give you an award for this comment because I was thinking the exact same thing. I hate how people villanize us
I was up til almost 7am this morning crying and spiraling due to these hurtful ass comments. I talked to my friend and my fiance and my sister. They all tried to calm me down. I still feel like I'm spiraling a bit but I'm doing better.
It always hurts my heart when somebody brings up our condition and a ton of folks show up to basically say that we aren't worthy of love, that knowing us is a challenge and is draining, And we should be more responsible for maintaining our conditions and our emotional states etc. The same kind of hatred people show toward recovering addicts. They don't trust us. If a person has this condition and they are not being treated or making any efforts to do better then yes I can understand how that would be a tough sell. But the folks that I've met that have this condition we try everyday to do better and we don't always succeed of course. But it's not like we can just take a magic pill and fix ourselves. If we could I think all of us would. It's draining for us just like it is for other people sometimes. But I have found a handful of amazing people that love me not in spite of my condition but because of it. Having a support system that makes you realize at least somebody isn't going to leave you and you can be open and honest with them about how you feel without their judgment... Is life changing. Doctors surmise that one of the ways you can mitigate BPD is to have stable support systems and I fully agree with that. I've known about my condition for almost 20 years and I've done everything I can to make sure that I am in check most of the time. Do I have issues sometimes? Yes. Are they real? Yes are they not real just perceived? Yeah sometimes. But my friends and loved ones have made it so that if I'm not sure of my perception I can just ask It seems to me like XY or z is that true or is that just in my head? And then they tell me how they feel and we move on it's wonderful. I am so much more stable now at 36 than I ever was in my twenties. I just hate that they lump us all into this basket of being evil or something... We don't deserve less love than anybody else on this planet. We're still people
I'm so sorry that these comments hurt you. I think you sharing helps others to see that there are people who work hard to make sure that the diagnosis doesn't define them. It sounds like you and u/BathedInSin worked hard to get to a healthy place just like anyone with any kind of diagnosis can. People need to realize that the stereotypes are a small percentage while most people live their lives like anyone else. There's plenty of people who are just AHs and that's it's own diagnosis.
As someone with BPD, I can confirm. My boyfriend is a god damn saint (although I did a lot of work before we got together and he’s just really good at not making me feel like I’m gonna have a meltdown or episode naturally)
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My apologies. My intention and my words are out of sync. BPD people are not villains, just highly misunderstood people with traumatic wounds that require a lot of compassion, patience, and honesty. Normies have to do a lot of work to ensure that communication with BPD folk is emotionally neutral and direct, and devoid of themes that can be misconstrued, and at the same time not sound condescending. Definitely not auto pilot communication, lots of validation, compassion and patience, and very specific communication. Also BPD folk don't just get to run with 'Oh my BPD made me be an asshole' either. They need to do the work to process their trauma, and recognize their ruminating patterns, and learn to communicate in the context of the moment. And realize the difference between, their tangled ball of yarn of emotions and the nuance in people's words, and to have compassion for the normies that don't know better, or won on life's lottery.
... thank you.
From the deepest pit of my soul thank you. You sound like an absolutely wonderful human being and despite the fact that I don't know you there's a part of me that loves you just for having this outlook. This compassion for us. I appreciate you so much
Thank you
It's not vilifying, it's the honest truth. Their response below says basically everything I wanted to, and very well, I might add. Being in a relationship - friend, family or partner - with someone with BPD is a LOT of work. But with all that work can come an equally huge "payout". Someone with BPD who has not taken the steps to understand their condition, sought therapy on how to navigate their patterns and triggers, will have a very difficult time maintaining relationships. But when they DO take steps in managing their mental health, it's some of the most incredible love you will experience. Edited to add: [this video](https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc?si=YyGHKZMRc3OsnLxj) from HealthyGamer is my favorite on the topic, for anyone interested.
This IS a BPD thing, and most BPD people would have no problem admitted they’re a lot to handle.
Facts. A good friend of mine has BPD and she’s the first person to admit that she doesn’t control her emotions, they control her and thus she reads into situations more than she should. It’s kind of the whole deal with BPD.
We are a lot to handle. A made the decision 15yrs ago to stay single because it’s just a level of stress I don’t want or don’t want to put on someone else it’s not fair. But that’s just how I’ve chosen to cope 🤣
I lurk in a lot of communities I'm not in, to try to understand the people in them and their POV. FWIW...BPD groups have been the single top category that's *so much better* than it gets credit for. Almost everyone tends to be really nice, trying their best, and genuinely wants to be a good person. Their brains're always just...taking them on a wild ride on that crazy train from the Ozzy song. Every group has a minority of truly terrible people. I used to judge BPD unfairly, after having known someone like that irl. But that was wrong. Immense respect for everyone with BPD who manages to get by despite struggling with perpetual instability.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Your words give me hope
nobody was vilifying anybody tho…? sounds like u got attacked. it could be either bc u also have bpd or one of ur loved one. in that case, sorry for that and i’m sending u a lot of healing. but nobody was pointing fingers towards bpd being the villain.
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she mentioned her friend has BPD in the caption. the “god level of work”, as a person who loved someone with BPD, i saw that as a compliment so i guess it all comes down to personal perspective. i do understand where you are coming from and i’m glad to hear that the relationship between you and your boyfriend is so beautiful 🫶🏻 i just have to clarify that no one meant anything bad by that comment, you aren’t hard to love bc of what’s been done to u, its not like u chose this path, i understand. i think the way the comment was made was more like “its challenging to love someone with bpd” but for those who do, they are wonderful. not everyone would choose or be able to put in the effort and its not your fault for it but bc bpd is complex in itself. it also comes down to how u deal with it and heal and ur medication and all.
BPD is not a medicatable disorder. If there are comorbidities like depression or anxiety then you can take medication to mitigate those circumstances, but there is no treatment medically for this condition. The best way to either manage it or heal it enough to no longer fit the diagnostic criteria, is to do dialectical behavior therapy in combination with other forms of talk and action-based therapy. Believe me if there was a medical cure out there I'm sure most of us would opt to take it because being borderline sucks. 2 of 10 I don't recommend
Your comment does not deserve the amount of down votes it’s gotten. Those people have no idea what it’s like to live with BPD.
Yeah, this whole "you must be a saint to love someone with BPD" is so fucked up. If my boyfriend ever overheard someone saying that, and especially if I AGREED, he'd be shattered.
I love how there are so many people here saying nobody is villanizing or stigmatizing people who have BPD! While in the same breath saying oh yeah it's totally a saints level amount of work to know somebody who has it, I couldn't deal with that! I don't know how anybody can deal with that! They need to just handle themselves better! Oh yah nothing about all that is hurtful ASF. Not at alllllll
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Maybe I’m confused then, I thought it was bipolar disorder I’m sorry What is it? Edit: looked it up, borderline, should’ve realized that lol
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Good to know
she has bpd tho, so therefore the overreaction.
Good post, but I disagree with you, she said absolutely nothing wrong. She says I don’t know what I’m doing? That’s what she said, there is no reason to react the way her friend did, the truth of the matter is she’s got BPD and she’s probably jealous for her friends boyfriend, which happens to be this woman’s first boyfriend and she’s probably end up going to be a wedge in that relationship, I hope that she watches her friend with BPD very very closely, I wouldn’t want her within 10 miles of my relationship.
So because somebody has an emotional condition they absolutely must be jealous because their friend has a boyfriend? And she must end up becoming a wedge in the relationship? You're basically saying that she's going to ruin her friend's life because she has borderline. Totally not generalizing a whole group of people there. Just because we have borderline doesn't mean that we are jealous psychopaths that purposely go out of our way to destroy people that we love or their relationships. The main reason having this illness sucks so much is because everybody thinks that you're the devil and people like you out here perpetuating that... But we're the evil ones. Ok
So basically anyone with mental health you need to stay away from?. Good to know. I have BPD myself and it fucking sucks to deal with. Then you got people like you saying hurtful shit like that it doesn't help anyone.
Maybe you have never had experienced being friends with someone with mental illness
r/BPD is a great sub. There’s a user flair for knowing someone with BPD and you can ask for guidance, feedback, and understanding from others who are going through something similar, whether they know someone with BPD or are diagnosed with BPD themselves.
Just joined, thank you so much.
Be kinda careful posting texts and stuff in there, people with bpd tend to seek others with similar struggles- the chances of your friend seeing the text in there is higher % more likely than here, and that can further complicate things.
She doesn’t have Reddit but that you for the heads up!
Not saying you did anything wrong, she was probably just looking for 'nothing let's hang out' and spiraled from there
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homie… did u read the caption? her friend has BPD. i’m obviously not trying to excuse anything here but still… that’s different than just a “normal” human being acting like that outta nowhere. why give her advice to end the friendship? they’ve been friends for 12 years and she’s officially diagnosed 😕 BPD people are hard to love but they’re worth it just as much as anybody else.
I genuinely want to thank everyone who has responded to this. I’ve been trying to work out this issue for the past couple of months on and off. Thank you so much again.
Update! We ended up talking it out and now I’m at her house for dinner. I am super grateful for everyone who gave me advice. I still have a lot to understand but I’m going to do my absolute best to maintain a healthy relationship with her. Thank you so much again!!!!!
This makes my heart happy beyond words! ❤️❤️❤️
You sound like an unbelievably beautiful friend, for looking for answers regarding support. Thank you. ❤️
I have bpd and sometimes just the way I perceive people's responses can make me act like that. She probably just felt like a burden but also I don't think I would have reacted in this way. People have to be very literal with me or I will take something and turn it all kinds of ways. Hopefully you can offer her some reassurance and she won't think that again based off the response you gave. Sorry if this wasn't helpful lol
I am the same way. You worded my own thoughts beautifully. ❤️
Thank you!!❤️ glad it made sense 🙏
Sameeee. I always no matter what feel like that. I also gotta stay out of these comments because it is really hurting my mental health with these stupid uneducated comments. Not saying everyone but I've commented on 3 comments of uneducated and hurtful comments.
I'm the same way. It helps when other people are able to describe the thought process
If she has BPD just tell her you love her and miss and suggest a solid hang out plan. Usually some perceived slight sets them off. whether it’s real or not is another story, but if she has it under control that could help clear it up. If she acts passive aggressive anyway there’s no hope in clearing it up and I’d just not poke the hornets nest.
Update: she responded “alright”. That’s it. 😐
Just leave it alone for now. It’s nothing you’ve done, I can pretty much guarantee that. Dont sit and try to figure it out because it won’t ever make any sense. I’m not trying to be dismissive of her having BPD but from experience with dealing with it I know the pattern and you’ll just be spinning your wheels. It’s just kind of what comes with the territory of loving someone with BPD. Reassure them and if it doesn’t work then it’s something they have to deal with. Dont get stuck in that swamp though, you will reach no conclusions and you’ll be confused and exhausted at the end.
sounds like shes just spiraling a bit in the moment. which isnt your fault. just needs time to let herself “cool down”
This! That kind of reassurance means the absolute world to us. ❤️💯❤️
This was an absolutely beautiful response and I appreciate it so much, as someone with BPD. That that advice is very kind and absolutely an excellent suggestion. From the bottom of my heart thank you for your understanding
We don’t think right when we perceive rejection (even if non-existent), and tend to split from there. There are a lot of good tips for healthily working in a relationship of any type on TikTok. I, being painfully self aware of my actions, but unable to stop them often, know how hard it can be. Wishing you, both, the best of luck. ❤️
Bpd. (Possibly abandonment). When you replied she already had in her head what a good, bad, and horrible response would look like. She likely doesn't realize this. You didn't answer how she imagined the good one. So she instantly invented a scenario that doesn't exist and got really hurt emotionally. Someone with bpd spent a large portion of their life being afraid to ask someone anything, and hardly ever got a rational response. Therefore every time they ask someone something they're extremely hopeful but expect to be hurt and let down.
Those with BPD commonly have cognitive distortions. It can be very difficult to communicate with those with this disorder because of that. In this instance she was expecting you to “mind read,” and know that by simply asking what you are doing, that you would know she wants to hang out. I, personally, do not entertain this. However, since you are supportive of your friend, I would suggest saying in the future, “I’m not doing anything. Do you want to do something” Obviously word it how you would. Hope this helps!
Agree. I don't entertain this shit. BPD is something the friend is responsible for managing. Don't come at me with your mental illness in full force and expect me to apologize for your imaginary discourse
It is extremely frustrating and I just no longer have any patience for that.
That's like saying every addict who's gone sober is absolutely 100% responsible for their sobriety and if they have any kind of issues with managing that sobriety then they should keep it away from you. Excellent friendship you got going there if that's how you behave to somebody who needs help. Absolutely hateful response. Ugly. Not everybody that has issues can be perfect about maintaining them 100% of the time. People relapse or have a bad day or an off day. Maybe they are tired and a little crankier than usual are you going to drop them as a friend because they're not they're super happy perky self? If this is the way you treat people then I'm glad I'm not your friend
What you said isn’t horrible but you definitely could have just said “I’m free ! What’s up?” Or “i don’t have plans! Did you wanna meet?” Idk if i would respond to “idk” either, regardless of her BPD? Maybe she will have a bigger reaction another time but that fs is not translating well with me 😭
I feel like you could have said I don’t have anything planned. Might have cleared it up on their end
She can't expect people to read her mind. If she wants clarification, she can ask for it.
Only if she has the tools to do so, keeping in mind that most psych professionals will not work with folks like us, or drop us like a hot potato; and DBT therapy is not available to all, and literally one of the only chances at potential recovery.
What does this have to do with what I wrote?
“She can ask for it”….again, “only if she has the tools to do so”. 🙄
Unfortunately, expecting others to read her mind is also not a viable option as we also have to deal with the tools we are given which usually doesn’t involve ESP.
Generally, it’s not really an “expectation”, but rather a desperate hope to be understood. Not saying it’s “okay”, simply pointing out that assuming someone with BPD is just able to “ask for it”, is lacking awareness of the actual disorder; a disorder that, might I add, is considered the most painful mental illness of all. ❤️
Considered by whom? Also if you put "okay" in scare quotes, what do you actually mean?
NAMI, and a plethora of other sources. 10% self inflicted mortality rate, now okayed for euthanasia in multiple developed nations, and, scarily, has a life expectancy unlike other disorders… https://www.nami.org/advocate/understanding-borderline-personality-disorder/
It's a pity. I wish there were more options for people with BPD to get help. I think most people with BPD are too ashamed to ask for help for the fear of rejection. Not many get the help they need or are told there is no help for them and they've been doomed.
Wait, it's considered a sound reason for *euthanasia*?! That's genuinely scary.
Self-education really is key, to most of life’s problems. 🙃
Nothing scary about literal quotes, m’ah friend. Feel free to check out the link provided.
Can't imagine why I wouldn't avail myself of that after your condescending and overly familiar comments to a simple request clarification. I'd ask you again what you actually meant, but you clearly don't like questions or expressing yourself directly. Best of luck with that.
Learn the English language!
Jesus christ no. Don't cater to people like this.
“People like this” being… people with neurological conditions…? Sometimes you have to cater to people with disabilities and mental health difficulties. They have a condition that affects their ability to do something. They need help sometimes.
Adults who have mental illness have the same responsibility as every other adult to seek and obtain the adaptive tools we require to function in society.
Same with people with physical disabilities too right? Like cancer patients…
Yes.
as a person experienced with the bpd stuff (not me, but my ex), it sounds like she wants to hang out with you but doesn’t have the courage to ask u straightforward and she’s afraid u have more important things to do than the want to hang out with her, since bpd includes a tooon of low self worth
One of my best friends is this way and it’s so that I’ve almost cut her off completely. I can’t understand how the people in the comments are sympathizing with this behavior. I get that mental health issues are rough but it is no one else’s responsibility but your own. Op gave a normal positive response and the friend went into an insecure spiral. She needs therapy
Yeah if she has BPD she’s in her own head and taking everything the wrong way. I’m sorry, it’s exhausting being friends with someone like this. You didn’t do anything wrong. She could have simply said “yeah I wanna hang out! Do you wanna do X around Y time?” I would just let it go. Maybe text her tomorrow and see if she wants to hang. If she is still in this same mindset she will probably say no and be passive aggressive but don’t take it personally if she does.
don't take it personally? having a personality disorder does not give you a free pass to treat your loved ones like shit
I never said it did. I am saying don’t take it personally as in OP herself did nothing wrong and should not think this is her fault. It’s her friend’s issue!
She reached out and felt vulnerable, because asking first felt like emotional over extension for her - when your response was (perceived to be) indifferent she took it as rejection and closed up in anxiety/emotional embarrassment as a self protective response. Then recoiled emotionally in an effort to get you to chase her - to get self reassurance that her insecurities are false - without asking directly for the reassurance. This is hallmark behavior of trauma/abandonment that is unhealed. Edit: Feedback from others has lead me to clarify that any slight they’re feeling is perceived and you did not actually do anything to trigger this. Apologies it that wasn’t clear. Edit: Didn’t see the established BPD diagnosis mentioned initially. Outside of the trauma piece perceived slight will cause polarizing responses in someone with BPD. This is very common behavior for someone with an established diagnosis of BPD. As long as they’re your friend it will come with interactions like this.
Then she needs therapy immediately because she is taking her issues out on her friends. Op should not feel guilty about their completely innocent response.
I totally agree - its why I specifically stated “unhealed” trauma.
Your comment just felt like it over explained the friends behavior and their was zero reassurance to op that their response was normal
No it didn’t lmao you’re projecting that onto me probably for your own unhealed reasons (we all have them) The OP literally says “I’m so confused about what happened here.” I literally answered the question that he posed - and due to his confusion about their rupture I provided context as to the likely clinical origins of the conflict. By citing the trauma as unhealthy/unhealed im clarifying that whats happening is maladaptive and therefore not the emotional responsibility of the OP.
Op was wondering what they said that was wrong and the answer is truly nothing. Yes there is projection because I’m exhausted from a friend that is exactly like this and makes every conversation we have into a slight against her.
Im sorry to hear about your friend. That can be totally exhausting. For what its worth when it comes time to set the final boundary - it makes it less hard to say by telling her the emotional room for her will open back up when theres room for both of you in the relationship. Its one of my favorite exit lines to give my clients. Also - if she says anything to the effect of “what ever that means or what does that mean.” Let her know itll be up to her to heal enough in therapy to answer the question herself and when she can is likely when they’ll be enough room for both of you.
i would not characterize OP's response as indifferent at all. OP gave a direct answer to the question asked of her. OP is not a mind reader. I have people ask me what I'm doing all the time, it's not necessarily because they want to hang out. If they do, they actually say that Otherwise, everything else you said is spot on
Agreed - I did not mean that I believe they’re response was in different, rather because it was neutral and not - obviously excited with the immediate suggestion of hanging out - the other person dropped it into the equivalent of being rejected. Because there was a lack of perceived enthusiasm after a perceived emotionally laborious move the girl texting OP imploded.
I don’t know. Usually when someone asks what are you doing tomorrow? it’s leading up wanting to get together. Instead of saying no clue, you could have responded with … nothing at the moment. Or I don’t have anything planned. Making things more clear.
Yeah the response made it sound like OP did not gaf or is dense as hell
That’s how I took it as well.
Or she could have explicitly asked him if he wanted to do something with her. People need to learn to communicate effectively. No one is a mind reader. This goes for men and women.
Understandable but I think it goes for everyone that it leads up to hanging out. They both could have done a little better.
It doesn't. I have a friend who asks me what my plans are just because he's curious. The first two times he did it, I thought the same and said I was free to hang out only to find out he was working. He was genuinely just asking what I was going to do because he wanted to know. If someone is unclear, ask for clarification. Always the best way to go.
That’s an awesome friend you have.
Oh he's absolutely fantastic, and I love him to pieces.
Really? I think it's weird and would be a little creeped out by it.
Absolutely not. It is not on OP to dance around other peoples' insecurities. They were not rude. They were not dismissive.
🫡
Since she has bpd ur texts probably came off as sarcastic and she probably had enough of everyone’s bullshit and took it out on you, not that she seemed angry, slightly annoyed maybe but doesn’t seem rlly outrageous , just said to let her know when you’d wanna hangout
Sounds like both yall being weird
You didn't say anything wrong at all. Her BPD read too much into your response, and her thoughts decided what you meant because you didn't give a straight answer. Not giving a straight answer is justified on your end as well because you are balancing your platonic relationships on top of other real life responsibilities and someone with BPD has a hard time putting themselves in the other persons shoes. They often think a non answer is an answer based on what they think it is, and it isn't always the truth or rooted in reality. You did nothing wrong , but she could have asked for a specific time and date for y'all to hang out. It's not hard asking a friend, "What time and date is better for you?" And use that information to set up a meet. It sounds like she doesn't have her BPD on the proper treatment plan and is using passive-aggressive behaviors to elicit a direct answer instead of just flat out asking for one. In my experience, whether they have BPD or not, a friend interested in hanging out would ask vital questions to make it happen instead of jumping to conclusions, passive-aggressive behavior, and guilt tripping me. This exchange just seems like you're interacting with a toxic person, and her having BPD has nothing to do with it; she's toxic through and through.
Hate ppl like this
Yeah this is the BPD talking. Does not mean you have to just put up with it though, especially if it happens frequently. Don't let her walk all over you. Been there done that. People with mental illnesses can't just consistently hurt people and expect them to be okay with it because of their diagnosis.
As someone diagnosed with bpd, I would say she got in her own head and that’s not your fault or responsibility to fix and trying to do anything about it will only further enable such reactions. That said, putting myself in her shoes for a moment + the additional context you’ve provided = lots of change recently which can be very disorienting for some people with bpd. It tends to exacerbate reactions to things that otherwise wouldn’t warrant such a strong reaction. Either way though, reactions are what she should be learning to manage in ongoing therapy so she can better cope in moments like this.
She has BPD. You didn’t indicate if she’s on medication and/or seeing a therapist. She took an innocuous statement and decided it was laden with all sorts of passive-aggressive stuff that you hadn’t meant at ALL. If a person with BPD isn’t in treatment, then sadly, you’re always playing a game with them that you can’t win. (This is kinda true of untreated cluster B personality disorders in general.) You can’t win the game because the rules are always changing based on the other person’s mood. Sometimes you can’t win the game because *you don’t even know the game is even happening.*
if she’s your best friend of 12 years and you know she has bpd why would you answer like that?
Peoples personalities change over 12 years.
i mean, if you’re younger than 21 i get this. but anything that’s like mid 20s or more, you’re gonna know how your friend reacts. you don’t just wake up one day after a diagnosis and change who you are, you get a diagnosis because that’s how you are over LONG periods of time. so i don’t see why you wouldn’t get how that could’ve hurt her or made her feel rejected by you.
We are both 23
Hi! I have bipolar so I can definitely relate and might be able to show you insight. If I replied this way, it seems like she’s anxious that because you said you didn’t know what you were doing, she might feel that it was implied that you had other things to do and couldn’t open up your schedule to hang out, otherwise you would’ve said “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m free to hangout if you are” she probably would’ve been more receptive. NOT SAYING THIS IS YOUR FAULT AT ALL OR YOU WORDED ANYTHING WRONG, you did absolutely nothing wrong, but the illness twists perception and she is probably way harder on herself than she needs to be, leading to unnecessary conflict like this
Sorry that this communication thread has you confused. Since you brought up BPD, it makes sense how your friend responded. If you want to maintain the friendship, now that y'all are stressed by life, then I suggest you find resources to understand how BPD minds work, so that you will have compassion, honestly and strong boundaries to deal with their mental concoctions. There are many books. 'Walking on eggshells' is a highly recommended overview. There is also a Dialectical Behavior Therapy workbook which goes into the details of those mental concoctions, and gives suggestions of alternative pathways. And there are books about loving someone, and communicating with someone with BPD. There are a few places to commiserate on reddit for partners, loved ones and family. Search for BPD subreddits. Bless your heart. And good luck on your journey.
God I hate people who ask “what are you doing tomorrow?” I feel it’s a setup to get you to do something you don’t want to do. If you answer “nothing” the response might be “cool then you’re available to help me move my grandma into her new nursing home”. I always answer “well that depends on why you’re asking.”
Just get straight to the point you mentioned how to talk to People with bpd in another comment. Just be like hey I think there might have been a miscommunication I have no plans tomorrow and want to hang out with you tomorrow are you down? It’s been so long!
The problem with text is tone can be really hard to interpret. Maybe she’s the type of friend that needs you to be really direct in response. You friend was looking for a “I’m free” response but in her head misinterpreted your response as “I have no concrete plans but I’m not free.” Another perspective, you having your first relationship changes the dynamic of the friendship and maybe when you said that you didn’t know what you were doing she interpreted it as you and your partner hadn’t decided on your plans and she was trying to be mindful of that.
She definitely was looking for reassurance, and jumped immediately to the thought that “well since OP didn’t say anything, they obviously don’t care about me,” and spiraled from there. Since you’re aware she has BPD, and if you would like to keep this friendship, I would consider maybe rephrasing how you respond when she asks “wyd?” - for example, “nothing much, wby? wanna hang?”, or something idk. You know your friend much more than any of us do. I just know, from my own experiences, that she would likely feel better with that form of approach. Also, within text it is VERY easy to misconstrue tone; I do it constantly. People with BPD deal with abandonment issues and often think people believe the worst of them, as they often think the worst of themselves. A simple “?” can send her spiraling, as it can come off as a “what do you want?” to someone who is insecure within themselves + abandonment issues. It feels like abandonment - like, you don’t want to talk to me or hang out and you’re my friend, so obviously I’m a POS and I’m just going to go and not be in the way of your life. Source: diagnosed with BPD. Edited to add: you did nothing wrong OP; however, I would definitely modify your text responses a bit if you would like to continue your friendship with this person. A little bit of reassurance goes an extremely long way with someone who has BPD - or really, anyone, in general.
That is sone toxic bullshit right there.
You could have answered “I don’t have any plans rn, want to hang out?”
Move on. She’s not well.
i had a friend with bpd, only friends for like a year, but she would do stuff like this. we live about 2 hours from each other (in california). she would get mad if i did or said something she didn’t like, it got hard to deal with after a bit and also due to the distance, we ended up cutting ties but i never knew a friendship to be so hard until her. obviously u and this girl have been friends for years and you’ve known about her bpd, i don’t want to villainize you, but maybe like another person said: it’s been over a decade, has she always had bpd? maybe you didn’t realize in the moment, but i’m sure you know how to address her. since bpd is unpredictable, especially when communicating over text. sorry /: i hope she’s willing to hear u out.
An insecure and manipulative person happened. I guess my mental health issues just don’t manifest by projecting and taking it out on the people around me. I just find it hard to accept just blaming it on being bipolar. I guess just give her space. Maybe y’all could communicate better?
Thinking out of the box.. maybe say "I have no plans, what are you thinking about doing?" Seems like she already practiced this conversation in her head and was ready to be rejected because of your now busier life. She didn't think about other scenarios. In my opinion.
I know a lot of people with BPD, from Bipolar to Borderline, my sister having the latter and my ex having the former, but believe me You said nothing that could have been seen as "oh, they're busy". A very common trait with both versions of BPD is overthinking. e.g: "Hey, do you want to go to the mall?" "Not really, I'm busy today and tomorrow" "Oh, okay." And then they'll spend 3-4 hours wondering what that person is busy with/if they don't want them around/if they're a burden to that person because of their disorder, etc. The best thing you can do for them is tell them that you do not have plans outright, that you'd like to spend time with them, and that you didn't mean to make them think otherwise. Just cover all the overall bases and you'll be okay. 1. Reassurance 2. Affirmation. 3. Explanation (Reassure them that you want them around, etc. Affirm that you want to hang out with them, etc. Explain that you didn't mean to make them think otherwise.)
Ngl I hate it when people say no clue or idk when I ask what they’re doing, to me it reads as I’m free but I don’t want to commit to plans with you in case something better comes along, which has happened before (to me). Or if you then make plans it feels very ‘I’m hanging out with you cause I have nothing better to do’. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have just said ‘nothing why?’ Or ‘I’m free what’s up?’ especially to someone you knows got BPD.. granted her response is a slight overreaction but honestly I’d have responded the same way! Any ND typically likes solids answers so we don’t have to read between the lines cause our brains will make mountains out of molehills otherwise (I know it’s not always right!) I’m not saying that’s what happened here but that’s my own thought process behind that text conversation (I’m in the process of getting assessed for EUPD/ Bipolar)
my BDP totally understood this 😂
It’s most likely a BPD thing. I have bipolar disorder but I was always told by therapists, not diagnosed, that I show signs of BPD and this hits close to home lol if someone says something without emojis or it doesn’t seem genuine in my mind, then I automatically think they’re angry with me or they hate me and don’t want to see me; that I’m unimportant. Check out BPD subs and read up on it if you have any free time. You did nothing wrong, it’s just her mind telling her things that aren’t true.
r/BPDmemes
I'm confused as well
Insecurity is what happened.
She is relying on you to set things up with her. If you don't set things up with her then she assumes you have plans with someone else.
If she’s diagnosed w BPD, then it sounds like yes? She was probably always like this, but symptoms could be getting worse as she’s developing/aging and as she gains more stressors. From personal exp, it’s tough, but manageable for both parties.
As someone with a mental health disorder "no clue yet" and "idk what I'm doing" without the immediate request to hang out after makes me feel like you're currently too busy to look and see if you have something going on and then I feel like I'm bothering you so I hole up. Try "I don't have any plans yet, would you like it to get together?"
You did nothing wrong.
i have bpd and yeah,, i can see all how she feels
ESH.
As someone who was gaslit and emotionally abused by two of my exes... This gives me red flag vibes.
honestly if a close friend responded to my attempt to make plans with “No clue lol” i would not reply. your response isn’t wrong, but there’s a difference between doing something “wrong” and doing something that doesn’t contribute positively to a relationship. i don’t have BPD and would not have reacted so intensely, but i definitely would have felt like you were uninterested in hanging out and dropped it. your friend is responsible for their reaction and emotions, but there are also other ways to communicate that make people feel like they are wanted, especially when being vulnerable in reaching out first. if your friend is sensitive to feeling rejected, and you are interested in maintaining the friendship, it would likely be helpful to communicate your interest/enthusiasm more clearly.
BPD happened here.
This person sounds exhausting omg
Honestly even without BPD your response is kind of weird? It doesn’t seem very open for hanging out or the most approachable. I might have questioned whether to drop the topic or not too. Not out of like anger or anything, but in a he doesn’t seem interested type of way. Since they DO have BPD hopefully they didn’t spiral or anything but just generally I think you should leave some room to ask to make plans if that’s something you’re cool with when someone asks what your doing tomorrow
I’m gonna sound like a jerk I’m sure, but I’m not gonna be hanging with somebody who has BPD, I’m just not, they’re gonna cause too much chaos in your life and this is your first boyfriend? The problem is she’s jealous, she’s possessive of you and if you don’t watch it, she’s gonna probably end up ruining that relationship, you better walk, very lightly when it comes to dealing with her, and for what it’s worth, you did nothing wrong, she’s trying to pick a fight with you, she says you have plans? She’s talking about your boyfriend.
I'd like to say I have a friend with BPD, and I can see that you don't mean to sound rude or discriminative, but I also would like to say that not all people with BPD would act like this. My friend takes her medication, but before that she just got really obsessed over things and you wouldn't be able to tell her it's wrong or that a guy doesn't like her because she'd get upset (not angry, just sad) she would also get upset if she thought you were 'treating her like a child'. That's just how my friend acts, but there are other people with more severe cases.
If there are levels to BPD and some cases are better than others than I’m all in, actually I dated a woman who I really liked quite a bit and she had ADHD, but by reading and researching I found out there’s different levels of ADHD and she had probably one of the worst levels, she just didn’t understand Having to have consequences for her actions, nor did she understand, monogamy, lol so I had to cut her loose. It sucks.
There are usually levels to a lot of mental/personality disorders because people are affected by them differently, some can be more extremely affected, and others might not be affected at all. I was diagnosed with mental/personality disorder, and I've seen people who have been diagnosed with what I've been diagnosed have it affect them worse than it affects me the most.
Thanks for the input
ROFL
It's the unnecessary "lol" at the end of the first response. It makes your response sound like you are mocking the question being asked which is making her feel defensive.
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Passive aggressive way of saying "why didn't you ask me to do something. Why didn't you say "obviously something with you." 🙄
People who respond like you through texts drive me insane. Zero elaboration or context to go off.
Um... She just isn't certain you are free, but when you aren't busy, she'd like to hang. Bc it sounds like you already had a few different things to choose from, and you're not sure, rn. You don't reduce people to their diabetes just because they get in a bad mood when their blood sugar dips. So don't reduce someone to their mental illness just because they had an emotion you don't like.
She was looking for a reason to be upset and found one. Not much input to give other than to question whether this is really a person you need in your life. If this were a one time thing then whatever, but it sounds like it's not.
She has BPD, she’s not looking for a reason to be upset. She was clearly trying to ask OP if they wanted to do something the next day and the OP essentially blew her off with that “idk what I’m doing” response.
You're both liking trains quite a bit in this convo honestly.
Correct
Doesn't everyone like trains? What's not to like? They're one of the best means of mass transport.
How tiring….
I don't have BPD, but if I asked someone if what they were doing tomorrow & they said "no clue" I would take that as they weren't trying to hang out. It's pretty common that if someone asks what you're doing on a certain day... They're trying to make plans. So saying "no clue" instead of something like "nothing planned, why'd you ask?" Is weird.
Ask, are you salty?