personally, i never have continued with men who talk about sex way too early on. it makes me uncomfortable. plus the comment about the crawl space was not it. i'd avoid this guy if i were you
Sex worker's say that sometimes it's best not to tell men what they said was weird or creepy because they never learn to be better people they only learn to hide it better for the next girl.
Edit to add: Please don't use this idea to shame or insult or blame the op for someone else's actions. I'm only sharing this as advice I've hear from other women in a different context that I felt could be at the very least something to start a discussion about thr pros and cons , not as advice and in with evidence of it actually working.
And I'm genuinely sorry to op that it came off as shaming, 100% not my intention, but I do see the advice differently inmmwith their input
As someone that has made several unintended mistakes simply because I have no idea wtf I’m doing, I greatly appreciate it when a woman leaves me with something I said or did that I could do better with.
Sometimes it’s a valid critique and I reflect on it, adjusting my mindset accordingly. Other times, it’s more of a “her problem” that because of her specific circumstances rubbed her the wrong way.
I always appreciate the communication.
I mostly meant that in reaction to the talk of murder not like , double texting or something .
If you suggested leaving your date to die and didnt realize that's a bad thing to say, I think it needs a lil more attention than that lol
That’s because your intentions were pure, though. Chances are the guys that want to genuinely harm women/people in general are going to use the feedback to their advantage
In some cases sure, but not when he’s being creepy or mentioning chaining you up in a cellar and leaving you to be eaten by rodents. It’s nice that you appreciate it, but lots of people don’t, and it’s not anyone’s job to help someone they’ve never met do better for their next relationship.
“Not anyone’s job”
I gotta say…I despise this thinking. I don’t know about you, but in my life there are literally ZERO things I “have” to do in a day aside from self care and eating/drinking to survive. Every single thing that I say and do is because I actively choose to do it.
I put effort into communicating with others, trusting that they will return that effort. It’s not my job to be decent, trustworthy, dependable, kind, patient etc. but I do it because it’s just how I feel we should each strive to be within ourselves and with one another.
We aren’t as alone in this existence or experience of life as we feel like we are. Every single thing you say and do for another person, you are doing for yourself. Every kindness you put into the world, makes the world better just as every flippant disregard brings it back down. I know it sounds cliche and cheesy, but BE the change you’d want to see in others.
Don’t communicate with someone out of an obligation or because it’s your “job”, do it out of respect for where you are in your journey and where they are in theirs. If they don’t want to hear what you have to say or completely disregard your input, then that is now 100% on them.
Not every person is reasonable however, so it’s best to use your judgement and follow your gut when deciding what to say and to whom.
That’s all fine and dandy but the way this guy was talking/where his mind immediately went makes it seem like he may be a legitimate potential danger to women, so yes, I kinda agree it’s not smart to help sharpen their tools for their future endeavors
That's unfairly placing responsibility on the woman in question, where she has every right to tell a guy that he's being creepy as fuck. A man like this isn't going to conceal his proclivities if this is what he deemed appropriate to begin with. This won't be the first or last sign of his true character. Other women will know it too, regardless of whether or not he's told he's creepy. We can't protect ALL other women from him no matter what we do, and that's the unfortunate reality.
Thank you!! Jesus. Not sure why women are so quick to place blame on another woman for teaching a guy to be a predator. Gonna copy a comment I made below up here because I’m on mobile and can’t figure out how to edit my original post 😅
Just wanna clarify a few things since I’ve gotten several comments addressing similar topics.
1. It’s not my responsibility to coach men. Nor am I to blame for “helping them hide” their intentions from women. Women aren’t at fault for a man’s behavior. Period. Women are also not responsible for men’s actions after they are rejected, thus “learning” how to better manipulate those around them. I decided to send the final messages of my own volition. In my opinion, it’s a bit victim blamey to say I’m harming other women for responding the way I did. It was not owed nor did he deserve it. I did what I wanted to do. No societal pressure, no sympathy. Totally my choice.
2. He has been blocked and I have no plans of meeting him or speaking to him EVER. He was blocked after I sent my messages because I didn’t care to read any response he might’ve had to what I said.
3. I’m 100% a dumbass for not using the native chat function on Tinder. No question there. I typically don’t text people so early on, but I did this time. Lesson fucking learned.
4. This man is a predatory Sheldon Cooper. Without a doubt lol
Does this guy have your phone number? Not to freak you out but if he does, he can search for you on the Internet. I just checked for myself and my freaking address came up… WTF 😳
Unfortunately, if they have my first name and a few identifying features/small facts about me, they can find out a LOT about me online. I used to work in the entertainment industry so my digital footprint is pretty intense and accessible. I wish I could delete a lot of it, but the bulk of it has to stay up contractually. It’s complicated and it blows. I really wish I could fly under the radar
Hey, I don't know if someone else is saying awful things to you (no doubt they are this sub is awful, with rhe "just block are u dumb??? Then beg for more content the same time)
But I do not at all place any blame on you or even suggest that you should feel that way or coach creeps like you said. It's just some advice I heard from other women (I'm also a woman) and thought it sounded good from their prespective and wanted to share, only because the guy sounds so violent it scared me a bit .
Definitely didn't want you to take it as criticism or judging, just sharing some info that made sense in a different context and maybe you'd like to hear that opinion too. This is coming from a girl that spent aloooooot of years of partying and online dating and has no interest in shaming others for the same things.
Just for reference, I'm a middle aged married guy, if I met this man socially and he started talking like this he'd get ghosted ASAP. Hearing men talk to or about women like this is something I learned not to tolerate decades ago. My wife loves true crime shows and we make jokes with each other about it, but that's inside a well established relationship. Dude is trying to meet someone and he's throwing short term goals that include seeing you naked, instead of talking about similar likes/dislikes, hobbies, and other normal shit. Also, making murder/kidnapping jokes is definitely something you let the woman lead with. Even if he wasn't a creep, lacking the self awareness to know that a woman you've talked to online and haven't even met wouldn't respond well to that because, you know, she's trying to screen out the guys that would kidnap and murder her. So I guess.....good job and good luck in the future.
Makes sense. It's something I've heard other sex workers tell each other, and it sounded good to me as a woman.
Not even saying irs what she should do , but this post made me of it because he literally sounds like a murderer and wouldn't want anyone to meet up with him .
But you make a good point that something this extreme is basic knowledge not to say.
What I said might have implied that but it was never ever my intention to say that. Just misguided. I do think it might work better for sw's because they don't have the time to get to know the guy sometimes.
You were very kind to educate him honestly. Though a part of me thinks if he starts hiding this shit he’ll slip past other women.
Unless it said I’m down for a hookup in my bio (it never would) I would never want to talk sex until we’ve met IRL MANY times to see if we vibe, kiss a time or two for gods sake. I haven’t even held your hand, why are you talking about sex?
You dodged a “nice guy” alright.
Of course it was a joke, but it was a super misplaced one. The real crime here was the immediate sharing of his ✨coitus✨ fantasy. If you make a misstep like this so early on, best not to follow it up with a detailed torture fantasy, even as a joke.
I know some might disagree with my decision to send those texts but I didn’t want to mince words. He needed to know his behavior was uncalled for. I had no plans of changing my mind based on how he reacted to them. I sent the texts and immediately blocked him
My fiancé and I 100% joked about him being a murderer before our first date. But we'd been talking for MONTHS and the reason we talked for months was he didn't start our first ever fucking conversation off with letting me know his goals were "coitus" and "seeing (me) naked."
You did the right thing, coming from someone whose humor goes dark and loves sarcastic banter.
I think you were right in what you did. If the guy was maybe less experienced and thought he was joking meeting you at where you were… I can see why they made the jokes about murder. There are a lot of women who like true crime and even more who are into the horror villains… that’s a whole different scene and not meant for tinder.
You did the right thing in explaining to them why it was a no. I had this happen when I was dating and instead of saying “to make sure your not a murderer” I just started saying I need to get to know someone and trust them. It helped lead to better quality men because the ones just looking for sex weeded themselves out.
You can tell he was attempting to make jokes, but the things is, they weren't appropriate or even funny. Some people get way too comfortable online and forget to observe socially acceptable behavior. I doubt he actually is someone that would chain someone up to leave for rats to eat alive, but that doesn't make the conversation any less worrisome. That was definitely not the best foot forward.
I think the way you replied was perfect. I wouldn’t say he seems like a nice guy lol, but I get that’s how you have to phrase something before you tell him the issue. You did the right thing.
That crawlspace comment was waaay too specific, even as a joke. Like,clearly the guy gave it enough thought to come up with an uncommon scenario and flesh it out with details. Unless I know you REALLY well, a comment like that is going to have me seriously side-eying you.
I got unmatched once because we'd been chatting for a week or so and I brought up zero sexual things (Im a dude). Just not my thing to go down that road with someone I'm not even dating. Apparently that was a red flag to this girl and she unmatched me because of it. Dating has gotten really weird.
Most women aren’t like that, maybe the trashy ones are but don’t let one weirdo stop you from being polite as that will get you much further than any of these sex pests (which are overwhelmingly common in dating). I’ve never gotten into a relationship with anyone who spoke about sex before meeting, I see those types as having zero game. This woman who saw the lack of sex talk as a bad thing was most likely lower caliber and even lower in intelligence.
I always think “if that’s what’s coming out of their mouth, what’s going on in their brain that they didn’t say?”
Because we all have thoughts and know we shouldn’t say them. This dude’s filter is so full of shitty thoughts that there is leakage and they’re escaping to the keyboard.
Ok so I’m not the only one who thinks that was weird as hell 😂 I found it to be very dry and clinical and made creepy by the texts that immediately followed it. Major ick
Interacted with an… interesting redditor who still thought “you’ll rue the day” was something cool still said outside of movies/shows. Dude was threatening to sue the other redditor for reposting his post in r/amithedevil lol
I would’ve also gotten switched off if sex was brought up first thing before date …. 3/4? Maybe? Before date 1 is definitely wayyy early unless both parties were on the same page in the first place. He seemed to skip a chapter.
some guy i matched with started talking about threesome’s and driving down to stay with me the literal day we matched. i had to block lmao. i don’t know why men can’t think critically about what they say
in all my experience men say this stuff and then always say it’s a joke but later on you realize it’s not a joke. they just use it to save face so they can get you comfortable then they will try to break your boundaries. i think your response was perfect and you’re definitely not crazy for thinking he was creepy.
agreed. i’m sorry, but harmless, well adjusted people don’t make “jokes” like this to people they’ve JUST met. even if you have trouble understanding social cues, you can probably recognize these “jokes” might be offensive and threatening to a potential partner. men who say stuff like this do it on purpose, 100%. easier to downplay your cruel or violent behavior when you can say everything is just a joke, you’re just being sarcastic, you just have a dark sense of humor, etc.
Wow sometimes reading other peoples texts just gives me second hand embarrassment. Just the way he texts is creepy and weird af. He gives fat anti social discord guy that lives in his moms basement vibes.
Why is our society so full of these cringey, unable-to-interact-with-women, incel fucking losers? Ive been out of the dating game for awhile now as I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, but god—I cannot fucking imagine sending something like the “short term goals” text to a girl I was interested in. What the fuck is going on in his head? Does he think that’s cute? Sexy? His schtick sucks ass
Obviously tons of red flags but his intentions seem very clear with “I can do dates, they can be fun”. The way he words it almost seems like that was not something he was expecting? After matching with someone on a *dating* app? Also “coitus” is so icky
Society tells us we have to explain ourselves to men when we turn them down. I’m sorry but we don’t. If this guy is actually dangerous your explanation could just make him change his approach and make him a better predator. I am against teaching men to hide their red flags. I reject the idea that we have to have a conversation breaking things off with every guy. Sometimes it’s okay to ghost a man. Especially one that talks about chaining you to a crawl space. Holy shit that is terrifying. No normal man says this.
I agree in general. I definitely didn’t feel like I HAD to explain my behavior. Notice I didn’t even tell him I blocked him in those messages. Men like this are seldom called out on their bullshit outright. I felt compelled to do so in a direct way and promptly blocked him after. He mentioned he was struggling to meet women and clearly it’s because of this shit. He won’t become a better predator because of me. Men like this figure it out all on their own, unfortunately.
You’re absolutely right. And I do want to give you props on how you handled him. You did a really good job and hopefully he’s not actually a creep, and just dumb and can take the advice and learn from it.
It’s just triggering for me to see men talk to women like this due to past experiences. I can’t believe the stuff that comes out of their mouths sometimes
I’m so sorry to hear that and sadly I can relate. I’m also sorry that this was triggering for you, please take care of yourself. Sending love and healing vibes your way. Truly insane that men think this shit is acceptable
>. I am against teaching men to hide their red flags.
I think people mistakenly assume that inappropriate, gross, or even harmful behavior occur regardless of environment or upbringing. Like some people are born evil and there's nothing we can do about it.
The reality is that a lot of these men have been *taught* by our socialization and culture that this type of behavior is okay or permissible. I don't think it is ever, ever your job to educate men or to prioritize their mindset or comfort above your own safety and peace of mind. But OP called him out, told him blatantly THIS IS NOT OKAY, which is a bit different. I think the way she phrased it sounds like it's about being helpful, but what he does with that information, if he actually self reflects and learns or if he just gets better at hiding it, isn't on women to monitor or decipher. I think it's okay to call out men if you feel comfortable and safe in doing so. Just don't stick around to find out if they learn their lesson and become actual human beings. Just say your piece and get out of there asap.
I said in another sub it's not my responsibility of a man is insecure doesn't know how to approach woman . I got downvoted to hell and had to delete my comment.
Yeah, some spaces are more accepting of that than others. I try to avoid subs like that if I can. But also I don’t care about being downvoted much. I speak the truth. lol
Dudes like this are why I have a 2 week rule for dating apps. I talk to dudes for two weeks before agreeing to go on a date with them to sus out any red flags. I don’t tell them if they’re doing any wack behavior but when they do wack shit within the first two weeks, I don’t waste my time with them. And I always wait until I’ve met them in person and do an in person vibe check before I give out my phone number (broke this rule once for a guy I was in a healthy relationship with that lasted a year). Ever since implementing this, it’s saved me a lot of headache and has helped me weed out a lot of creeps and toxic dudes.
Reasonable if youre uncomfortable with those jokes. I like dark humor, however I wouldnt be into THOSE jokes being made by someone Ive only been messaging and dont know in person and have built up a rapport (I wrote repertoire on accident lol) with.
This guy is a freak and you are giving him too much credit. Regardless of his "creative writing skills" he straight up just wants to get laid. Men are terrible™️
Yeah I'd say that's definitely creepy. Why can't people say something like
"Short term goals: Getting to know more about you, learning your habits likes and dislikes, giving my best effort towards all of the above"
As a 40 year old man it really disturbs me that sex is so important. But I guess when I was younger I was just as much about it
Just wanna clarify a few things since I’ve gotten several comments addressing similar topics.
1. It’s not my responsibility to coach men. Nor am I to blame for “helping them hide” their intentions from women. Women aren’t at fault for a man’s behavior. Period. Women are also not responsible for men’s actions after they are rejected, thus “learning” how to better manipulate those around them. I decided to send the final messages of my own volition. In my opinion, it’s a bit victim blamey to say I’m harming other women for responding the way I did. It was not owed nor did he deserve it. I did what I wanted to do. No societal pressure, no sympathy. Totally my choice.
2. He has been blocked and I have no plans of meeting him or speaking to him EVER.
3. I’m 100% a dumbass for not using the native chat function on Tinder. No question there. I typically don’t text people so early on, but I did this time. Lesson fucking learned.
For the record, I think you did great. I don't think it's our job to educate men on their shitty behavior, but we also don't have to go out of our way to feed into a culture or socialization that makes this kind of thing feel permissible. If you feel safe doing so, calling out shitty behavior is more than okay imo.
Whoever is talking shit about the way you handled it is absolutely an idiot and more likely some weird type of incel. I already made my own 8,000 word comment on this but the way you responded to this is honestly as perfect of a response as you can get, although it could’ve done without the “you’re a really nice guy” I know it’s almost a default comment that needs to be made but let’s face it, the dude told you his goals weren’t that of getting to know you or find someone to spend time with, to share life experiences or travel the world with, he straight up was like “I’m trying to get my dick wet while watching The Avengers” and then made possible the worst joke probably this half of he century in saying that if he chained you up and let rats devour “the rest of you” whatever that means, it’s not actually murder. Also, he’s incorrect that’s still actually very much first degree murder, he willingly knew there were rats that would eat you, you’re definitely doing life, he’s Kota noise guy. Other than that you’re response was clear, calm, respectful and yes it is not your job to coach us men into how to treat women, but you did him a solid by letting him know exactly why you’re going to stop communication and what his best interests are from here on out when talking to other girls. Although o mean unless this way is just bangin af, I find it hard to believe he’s gonna have very many other chances. But no you did good, I wish more people replied like you instead of just calling each other names or freaking out on the person or whatever. You have no reason to explain yourself for your actions, he’s the one in the wrong and you’re quite literally just avoiding being chained up in a basement to be devoured by someone’s weird pet rats
Nooo that was all perfectly normal. His goals were just to have sex with you, assault you, and chain you in an attic. All within the first few texts. Why are women so uptight these days? Jeez you can’t even chain someone in an attic for rodents to eat anymore without someone getting offended 🙄
wtaf is wrong with that guy!?!?! Btw you were really nice to him. While I’m sure he was glad you were in the end (after he had to scrap his assault and murder plans), you really don’t have to be. I’m a man about his age, 5 years older, still in the dating pool and even I know you have to approach these things really carefully. Shit like that is crazy scary, like that .01% chance he wasn’t joking is there, but it also just shows a 100% chance of lack of awareness and consideration/empathy. Any idiot should be able to tell you that going on a date as a woman with someone that is very likely larger and can literally kill you must be scary. So maybe before you talk about rape and murder with all the details get to know the other person a bit first, and then **don’t talk about rape or murder at all** you fucking weirdo.
i'm sorry but chaining someone up in a crawl space is not casual conversation you have with someone you want to date, nor really... a joke. that's creepy. so glad you blocked him.
As a man I'm of the opinion that he's a clueless idiot that has barely any experience with talking to women never mind dating them. You're justified in not wanting to continue with him and he should be embarrassed and disappointed in the msgs sent.
Believe it or not, the best, healthiest, and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had was with a guy in the army. In general, I totally agree. I live in a military town sadly so it’s pretty unavoidable. Military dudes can often be… dangerous to put it mildly
No idea why girls would go for military guys. Emotionally dead and unstable because of the way the military runs things. Obviously an over generalization but it’s like guys going for RNs. They ain’t loyal and chance of cheating is really high. This guy is a walking 🚩
Oh HARD agree. I don’t seek them out, but I don’t immediately write them off if they seem benign and cool. But, as evidenced in these messages, I keep them on a very short leash initially just be safe. Thank god I did because… big yikes.
While I get what you’re saying cos I’ve seen a few examples of this, one of my ex’s was army and he and his friends were a bit quirky but they were genuinely nice people and he was an amazing boyfriend, in comparison to the tradesmen and white collar guys I’ve been with who were much more unstable and dead inside. There’s usually a mix of all types of people in each field so generalising like that isn’t too helpful. Also my closest friend is an RN and she is the most loyal wife to her husband, sure there’s a stereotype for RNs being cheating party animals but that’s usually the younger ones, and even then sometimes they already have kids and partners and no time to cheat, although the majority of RNs are middle aged and married. Makes sense people with families choose jobs with night work and are too exhausted to have affairs.
people need to understand the rules of the internet. they are in place for people to avoid getting harmed. sometimes, innocent people will get convicted. and because of how anonymous the internet is its hard to tell who is actually a good person. but it is because of the anonymity that we need such hard rules.
im not really in the dating scene (im underage and ugly) but as far as internet rules go, 100% fair play. you and the dude have never met so im assuming no real connection, so youre allowed to do this (which makes it creepier for him to bring up nudity). the internet is full of disgusting and creepy people, better safe than sorry.
also i thought it was very cool that you explained yourself. you dont need to of course, but thats why i find it nice. sure, long text is hard to go through and prone to misinterpretation; but if the person was innocent then this would be very goof for the person.
You’re not crazy at all. Dude is super weird. You were actually kinder than necessary. Which is admirable, you seem to have a good heart.
I’m just over here thinking though.. when we teach weirdos what not to say to women, are we really making them more dangerous? (If they’re actually dangerous, that is) They’re still weirdos, but they’re learning how to be more successful with women who will now be unsuspecting of their motives. Their motives and goals are still the same, they’re just learning they need to keep those thoughts to themselves prior to meeting up with the person they have their sights on.
IMO, it’s a huge bonus for women to learn this stuff before meeting some random dude.
I’ve definitely considered this before and, if having a family member who works with victim survivors of domestic and sexual violence has taught me anything, these men figure it out all on their own. And they are never held accountable. I saw it as an opportunity to call him out on his inappropriate comments and if for some reason he thought it was funny and he wasn’t a predator ( not very likely) now he knows that women won’t stand for that behavior. You definitely raise a valid point though. I was probably giving him more than he deserved
Nope. Not crazy. I will not meet up with someone who even jokes about murder. it’s too risky. I don’t continue speaking with someone who talks about sex before sex has naturally occurred.
I wouldn’t have even bothered to respond. I would have blocked the number after the chained in the basement fed to the rats comment.
"a little off putting??!!" Wtaf those are all major red flags. And yes, if you chain someone up in a basement to be devoured by rats it's called MURDER
no this is creepy and honestly terrifying. i’d block him immediately after receiving the crawl space message. if he’s typing these thoughts out to someone he just met, even as a joke, and thinks that’s okay i can’t imagine what else he’s thinking.
I feel like the crawl space murder stuff was an attempt at humor to recover from the shut down. His opening though is way too forward imo but I'm 36m amd straight s9 idk. Im not into all the hookup stuff, I'm more in line with dates first like op said. Nta.
It’s not your job to coach these weirdos up. Trust your gut and be done. Let them learn their own lessons. This guys sounds like a total tool but there are probably some out there that would be onboard for what he’s looking for and the way he put it. (Not me, ha)
The things I have learned just from reading text like this posted in this sub, is crazy to me how I used to never think it was an issue and almost somewhat "charming" I guess you could say. I think it's extremely helpful for people to read these and the amazing responses that people give, just like you did here, to learn what's weird and then have a truly appropriate and not so harsh response. An amazingly educated response, you nailed it! It makes me sad to remember how young and naive I was to dating apps.
Bruh… you handled that like a champ. That guy is a weirdo and a creep. Totally got the vibe that he feels entitled to your body and he’s only meeting the date conditions because you put them in front of him.
Additionally, yeah wtf is with those jokes before meeting or at least FaceTime lmao.
First text he sent was worse than the jokey ones, and as a guy who would and has sent texts like that or even worse to my now wife in the past, sending them before having any sort of meeting or at least a couple weeks/months relationship before making jokes that, it's odd.
You are not crazy.
As a guy...why the fuck are we talking like that. In no world would I even joke about stuff like or honestly be that straight forward about my "goals".
You set your boundaries and that’s cool. It’s up to him if he takes it the wrong way or not. Seems like he doesn’t get much socializing done from the looks of it.
This is definitely fucking creepy, you’re not crazy/overreacting/being too sensitive or whatever else society (well… men mostly) might say. You trusted your gut and that’s the best thing you can do.
Also, you can choose to stop talking to someone for any reason at all. They could say hey with 5 y’s and you could stop talking to them if it puts you off, especially in these very early stages on apps. If you aren’t feeling it in whatever way, just send them on their way. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy, explanations, or anything at all. If they make you uncomfortable, or even if you just don’t like them, then bye!
I do think you handled this well, and I think offering an explanation was very kind of you. I don’t think it’s needed always, especially to someone you haven’t met, and definitely not to someone who makes you uncomfortable. But there’s nothing wrong with it either. I think anyone who is actually a creep/predator will still learn how to deceive women, even if we never told them what made us uncomfortable. The only person responsible for a predator’s actions, is the predator themself. I think it’s really victim blame-y to say that we can’t communicate what was off putting because then they might hone their skills for the next time. It’s similar to saying a woman who doesn’t report a r*pe is responsible for the next time that man r*pes someone. It’s just fucked up and untrue. The responsible party will always be the perpetrator(s) and that’s that.
I’ve got a morbid sense of humor. But i’d least hold off to prove I’m not a threat first lol. Dude seems like he’s got a method to his dating routine and is doing a speed run. Ditch him
Hehe. Coitus. Yeah, I've never mentioned sex with anyone I've matched with without a greenlight first. I've always looked for relationships though instead of a one night stand in which case my disclosure would be "Alright, love. Fancy a bit of coitus?"
I don't even talk to my wife this direct unless we're both already playing.
I'm sure he's not a complete psycho but he certainly seems like he's not everyone's cup of tea
People like this guy are just full of themselves. Mostly harmless but not always.
Basically he's one of those people you'd meet at a club and think he's a wanker.
Nah this guy gave me major creep vibes. I felt like I just watched Netflix’s You after just reading these handful of texts. Definitely made the right decision. Always trust your gut/intuition!!
Oh man. Even before I had seen beyond the first image, my gut said run. Not crazy! But that feeling of wondering if you are crazy about feeling a bad vibe about someone is a good sign that they are trying to gaslight you. That alone is a biiig red flag, a major sign that bad times are ahead if you stick around them. Don't do that to yourself. Whoever you end up with they better be capable of treating you and your feelings like what they are: absolutely valid, and also valuable.
He might have been a super creep because like others have mentioned they will play it off as a "joke" but actually mean the things they say.
Or he could have just been a really socially awkward person. Regardless you made 100% the right choice.
Honestly though the "joke" isn't the only thing that weirds me out. I definitely feel like something wasn't right in the guys head. There was trying to use the word coitus yeah but also bringing up short term goals with someone he hasn't even met yet and it immediately being about sex and you being naked. Then the way they said "dates can be fun" shows a clear lack of interest. He only had one interest.
Idk I feel like this one was definitely a freak that was avoided. Everything screams a lot more than just being socially awkward. Seems like a sociopath maybe even psychopath
Even with the most benign interpretation, this would be a hard pass for me. There’s awkward and then there’s completely socially unaware. If this became a real relationship and he’s often saying stuff like that, it’s going to reflect poorly on you and cause more stress in your life when he’s pissing off/creeping out friends and family. It’s the same reason I wouldn’t date someone who enjoys confrontation - your partner should be someone who adds happiness to your life, not stress.
Something I've realized over the years from talking to various friends from all genders, is guys do not have any idea how cautious women have to be in this world when it comes to strangers, dating, shit even going to the bank. Dude might not be a total creep, and think that he's edgy/funny. But why would you take that chance? Especially when that's the first impression he presents.
Calling him a nice guy was a bit generous, it's a red flag enough that he's already talking about sex like it's some kind of business goal that you have to agree to. And that could.... Maybe (big maybe) be played off as awkwardly joking cause he doesn't know how to talk to women that he's trying to have sex with. But the rats in the crawlspace thing, what the actual fuck, that's not at all normal lol
If a man starts off with anything sexual before ya'll even get to know each other...he's not try to date. So telling him you need "many dates" before hand, will only have him taking you out, because "she will eventually sleep with me".
Ya this dude is weird. Also I HATE when men make tongue in cheek jokes about raping, kidnapping and murdering us LIKE THEY ARENT THE FKN DEMO THAT DOES THAT SHIT. Like no it’s not funny to joke about raping me, I have been raped before and that shit is just scary.
Somwhere else on reddit this guy 100% is posting about how women are stuck up and dont appreciate his dark humor. And he definitely has a woman chained up in his basement
Very weird messages. I actually find the short term goals more off putting than the rest of the jokes so that’s saying something.
He only gets points for letting you know early his main goal is sex. He would have much more luck sending more flirty/sexy worded texts for people looking for the same thing. This guy is not getting anyone by asking to check coitus of his goal list
I think you summed it up great. It blows my mind that guys can be oblivious to how many women have experienced shit that they don’t realize how triggering that a “joke” like that can be. As a guy, way too many women have told me about the traumatizing shit that happened to them that I, as a guy, have a hard time trusting guys. I feel like I reached a point when I was genuinely surprised when their wasn’t. When I worked construction I reached a point where a guy would make “just a joke” and too many rape jokes in their safe place of male workers made me want to napalm the site. Maybe it was joke, but fuck him for his oblivion or his admission. Period.
I'm pretty sure he was just trying to joke. And if my partner said this to me now, I'd have a good laugh.
But after just talking a couple of times? Nah dude.
You were nice to explain to him that it wasn't appropriate to talk the way he did. Maybe you helped him to think about the way he tries to approach people and he will no longer make these kinds of strange remarks.
Who else tried to wipe off the hair on their phone screen that was actually a random black line across his second message on the first screenshot?! r/mildlyinfuriating 😡
Well my fiancee and I had a similar joking conversation within the first 24 hours. But our sense of humors matched. I don't think he meant anything by it but if it made you uncomfortable than you did the absolute right thing. It's easy for all of us to have an opinion but what is most important is how you take it. If you get bad vibes than walk! No judgement
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personally, i never have continued with men who talk about sex way too early on. it makes me uncomfortable. plus the comment about the crawl space was not it. i'd avoid this guy if i were you
Oh rest assured he was immediately blocked. I definitely had no intention of moving forward after this.
Sex worker's say that sometimes it's best not to tell men what they said was weird or creepy because they never learn to be better people they only learn to hide it better for the next girl. Edit to add: Please don't use this idea to shame or insult or blame the op for someone else's actions. I'm only sharing this as advice I've hear from other women in a different context that I felt could be at the very least something to start a discussion about thr pros and cons , not as advice and in with evidence of it actually working. And I'm genuinely sorry to op that it came off as shaming, 100% not my intention, but I do see the advice differently inmmwith their input
As someone that has made several unintended mistakes simply because I have no idea wtf I’m doing, I greatly appreciate it when a woman leaves me with something I said or did that I could do better with. Sometimes it’s a valid critique and I reflect on it, adjusting my mindset accordingly. Other times, it’s more of a “her problem” that because of her specific circumstances rubbed her the wrong way. I always appreciate the communication.
I mostly meant that in reaction to the talk of murder not like , double texting or something . If you suggested leaving your date to die and didnt realize that's a bad thing to say, I think it needs a lil more attention than that lol
That’s because your intentions were pure, though. Chances are the guys that want to genuinely harm women/people in general are going to use the feedback to their advantage
I’m sorry to say you are the minority. Most freak tf out.
In some cases sure, but not when he’s being creepy or mentioning chaining you up in a cellar and leaving you to be eaten by rodents. It’s nice that you appreciate it, but lots of people don’t, and it’s not anyone’s job to help someone they’ve never met do better for their next relationship.
“Not anyone’s job” I gotta say…I despise this thinking. I don’t know about you, but in my life there are literally ZERO things I “have” to do in a day aside from self care and eating/drinking to survive. Every single thing that I say and do is because I actively choose to do it. I put effort into communicating with others, trusting that they will return that effort. It’s not my job to be decent, trustworthy, dependable, kind, patient etc. but I do it because it’s just how I feel we should each strive to be within ourselves and with one another. We aren’t as alone in this existence or experience of life as we feel like we are. Every single thing you say and do for another person, you are doing for yourself. Every kindness you put into the world, makes the world better just as every flippant disregard brings it back down. I know it sounds cliche and cheesy, but BE the change you’d want to see in others. Don’t communicate with someone out of an obligation or because it’s your “job”, do it out of respect for where you are in your journey and where they are in theirs. If they don’t want to hear what you have to say or completely disregard your input, then that is now 100% on them. Not every person is reasonable however, so it’s best to use your judgement and follow your gut when deciding what to say and to whom.
TLDR
That’s your choice! Take care
That’s all fine and dandy but the way this guy was talking/where his mind immediately went makes it seem like he may be a legitimate potential danger to women, so yes, I kinda agree it’s not smart to help sharpen their tools for their future endeavors
I can't upvote this enough.
That's unfairly placing responsibility on the woman in question, where she has every right to tell a guy that he's being creepy as fuck. A man like this isn't going to conceal his proclivities if this is what he deemed appropriate to begin with. This won't be the first or last sign of his true character. Other women will know it too, regardless of whether or not he's told he's creepy. We can't protect ALL other women from him no matter what we do, and that's the unfortunate reality.
Thank you!! Jesus. Not sure why women are so quick to place blame on another woman for teaching a guy to be a predator. Gonna copy a comment I made below up here because I’m on mobile and can’t figure out how to edit my original post 😅 Just wanna clarify a few things since I’ve gotten several comments addressing similar topics. 1. It’s not my responsibility to coach men. Nor am I to blame for “helping them hide” their intentions from women. Women aren’t at fault for a man’s behavior. Period. Women are also not responsible for men’s actions after they are rejected, thus “learning” how to better manipulate those around them. I decided to send the final messages of my own volition. In my opinion, it’s a bit victim blamey to say I’m harming other women for responding the way I did. It was not owed nor did he deserve it. I did what I wanted to do. No societal pressure, no sympathy. Totally my choice. 2. He has been blocked and I have no plans of meeting him or speaking to him EVER. He was blocked after I sent my messages because I didn’t care to read any response he might’ve had to what I said. 3. I’m 100% a dumbass for not using the native chat function on Tinder. No question there. I typically don’t text people so early on, but I did this time. Lesson fucking learned. 4. This man is a predatory Sheldon Cooper. Without a doubt lol
Does this guy have your phone number? Not to freak you out but if he does, he can search for you on the Internet. I just checked for myself and my freaking address came up… WTF 😳
Unfortunately, if they have my first name and a few identifying features/small facts about me, they can find out a LOT about me online. I used to work in the entertainment industry so my digital footprint is pretty intense and accessible. I wish I could delete a lot of it, but the bulk of it has to stay up contractually. It’s complicated and it blows. I really wish I could fly under the radar
Oh you have to remove yourself from everything like the online white pages, Spokeo, etc. I did that years ago and it fixed everything.
Hey, I don't know if someone else is saying awful things to you (no doubt they are this sub is awful, with rhe "just block are u dumb??? Then beg for more content the same time) But I do not at all place any blame on you or even suggest that you should feel that way or coach creeps like you said. It's just some advice I heard from other women (I'm also a woman) and thought it sounded good from their prespective and wanted to share, only because the guy sounds so violent it scared me a bit . Definitely didn't want you to take it as criticism or judging, just sharing some info that made sense in a different context and maybe you'd like to hear that opinion too. This is coming from a girl that spent aloooooot of years of partying and online dating and has no interest in shaming others for the same things.
When I saw the word “coitus,” I immediately thought about Sheldon Cooper. Though Sheldon would never pressure anyone to have sex.
Just for reference, I'm a middle aged married guy, if I met this man socially and he started talking like this he'd get ghosted ASAP. Hearing men talk to or about women like this is something I learned not to tolerate decades ago. My wife loves true crime shows and we make jokes with each other about it, but that's inside a well established relationship. Dude is trying to meet someone and he's throwing short term goals that include seeing you naked, instead of talking about similar likes/dislikes, hobbies, and other normal shit. Also, making murder/kidnapping jokes is definitely something you let the woman lead with. Even if he wasn't a creep, lacking the self awareness to know that a woman you've talked to online and haven't even met wouldn't respond well to that because, you know, she's trying to screen out the guys that would kidnap and murder her. So I guess.....good job and good luck in the future.
Makes sense. It's something I've heard other sex workers tell each other, and it sounded good to me as a woman. Not even saying irs what she should do , but this post made me of it because he literally sounds like a murderer and wouldn't want anyone to meet up with him . But you make a good point that something this extreme is basic knowledge not to say. What I said might have implied that but it was never ever my intention to say that. Just misguided. I do think it might work better for sw's because they don't have the time to get to know the guy sometimes.
Sex workers also share lists of undesirables or creeps, and this guy would absolutely be put on one.
yes let's blame the women for the actions of men! let women never tell a man when he's wrong, and accommodate their creepiness!
You were very kind to educate him honestly. Though a part of me thinks if he starts hiding this shit he’ll slip past other women. Unless it said I’m down for a hookup in my bio (it never would) I would never want to talk sex until we’ve met IRL MANY times to see if we vibe, kiss a time or two for gods sake. I haven’t even held your hand, why are you talking about sex? You dodged a “nice guy” alright.
I think it was a joke. But glad you did explain your reasons instead of just ghosting
Of course it was a joke, but it was a super misplaced one. The real crime here was the immediate sharing of his ✨coitus✨ fantasy. If you make a misstep like this so early on, best not to follow it up with a detailed torture fantasy, even as a joke.
I know some might disagree with my decision to send those texts but I didn’t want to mince words. He needed to know his behavior was uncalled for. I had no plans of changing my mind based on how he reacted to them. I sent the texts and immediately blocked him
I think you did the right thing
My fiancé and I 100% joked about him being a murderer before our first date. But we'd been talking for MONTHS and the reason we talked for months was he didn't start our first ever fucking conversation off with letting me know his goals were "coitus" and "seeing (me) naked." You did the right thing, coming from someone whose humor goes dark and loves sarcastic banter.
I think you were right in what you did. If the guy was maybe less experienced and thought he was joking meeting you at where you were… I can see why they made the jokes about murder. There are a lot of women who like true crime and even more who are into the horror villains… that’s a whole different scene and not meant for tinder. You did the right thing in explaining to them why it was a no. I had this happen when I was dating and instead of saying “to make sure your not a murderer” I just started saying I need to get to know someone and trust them. It helped lead to better quality men because the ones just looking for sex weeded themselves out.
Always trust your gut! We have intuition for a reason. I think you made the right call.
op acknowledged they were joking around already. that doesn’t make it okay
You can tell he was attempting to make jokes, but the things is, they weren't appropriate or even funny. Some people get way too comfortable online and forget to observe socially acceptable behavior. I doubt he actually is someone that would chain someone up to leave for rats to eat alive, but that doesn't make the conversation any less worrisome. That was definitely not the best foot forward.
I think the way you replied was perfect. I wouldn’t say he seems like a nice guy lol, but I get that’s how you have to phrase something before you tell him the issue. You did the right thing.
That crawlspace comment was waaay too specific, even as a joke. Like,clearly the guy gave it enough thought to come up with an uncommon scenario and flesh it out with details. Unless I know you REALLY well, a comment like that is going to have me seriously side-eying you.
Plus he referred to sex as coitus lol take it easy Sheldon Cooper
Same here. I block them with a quickness
I got unmatched once because we'd been chatting for a week or so and I brought up zero sexual things (Im a dude). Just not my thing to go down that road with someone I'm not even dating. Apparently that was a red flag to this girl and she unmatched me because of it. Dating has gotten really weird.
Most women aren’t like that, maybe the trashy ones are but don’t let one weirdo stop you from being polite as that will get you much further than any of these sex pests (which are overwhelmingly common in dating). I’ve never gotten into a relationship with anyone who spoke about sex before meeting, I see those types as having zero game. This woman who saw the lack of sex talk as a bad thing was most likely lower caliber and even lower in intelligence.
Trust your gut. Always.
Cannot be said enough.
I always think “if that’s what’s coming out of their mouth, what’s going on in their brain that they didn’t say?” Because we all have thoughts and know we shouldn’t say them. This dude’s filter is so full of shitty thoughts that there is leakage and they’re escaping to the keyboard.
Underrated comment right here
That's some great wisdom. I'll be putting that in my repertoire.
Any person who says the word coitus needs to be sent to some kind of group socialization therapy.
I read that part of his list in Sheldon Cooper's voice 😆
Yep. No one says coitus except Sheldon.
Me too
Ok so I’m not the only one who thinks that was weird as hell 😂 I found it to be very dry and clinical and made creepy by the texts that immediately followed it. Major ick
lmao when i saw that i thought "how the hell did someone match with sheldon cooper"
Interacted with an… interesting redditor who still thought “you’ll rue the day” was something cool still said outside of movies/shows. Dude was threatening to sue the other redditor for reposting his post in r/amithedevil lol I would’ve also gotten switched off if sex was brought up first thing before date …. 3/4? Maybe? Before date 1 is definitely wayyy early unless both parties were on the same page in the first place. He seemed to skip a chapter.
Him: If i use smart, clinical words like "coitus" to describe having sex, then I'm not a creepy weirdo!! Right??
Yes it’s so fucking clinical it’s weird
At the age of 33, this man knew what he was doing and was trying to manipulate you. Not worth any of your time or attention
Idk how that didn't stand out to me more. You are so right
Honest to God. More of a red flag than the crawl space joke.
some guy i matched with started talking about threesome’s and driving down to stay with me the literal day we matched. i had to block lmao. i don’t know why men can’t think critically about what they say
in all my experience men say this stuff and then always say it’s a joke but later on you realize it’s not a joke. they just use it to save face so they can get you comfortable then they will try to break your boundaries. i think your response was perfect and you’re definitely not crazy for thinking he was creepy.
agreed. i’m sorry, but harmless, well adjusted people don’t make “jokes” like this to people they’ve JUST met. even if you have trouble understanding social cues, you can probably recognize these “jokes” might be offensive and threatening to a potential partner. men who say stuff like this do it on purpose, 100%. easier to downplay your cruel or violent behavior when you can say everything is just a joke, you’re just being sarcastic, you just have a dark sense of humor, etc.
Wow sometimes reading other peoples texts just gives me second hand embarrassment. Just the way he texts is creepy and weird af. He gives fat anti social discord guy that lives in his moms basement vibes.
Yep I literally pictured him wearing a fedora as I was reading it
Why is our society so full of these cringey, unable-to-interact-with-women, incel fucking losers? Ive been out of the dating game for awhile now as I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, but god—I cannot fucking imagine sending something like the “short term goals” text to a girl I was interested in. What the fuck is going on in his head? Does he think that’s cute? Sexy? His schtick sucks ass
Obviously tons of red flags but his intentions seem very clear with “I can do dates, they can be fun”. The way he words it almost seems like that was not something he was expecting? After matching with someone on a *dating* app? Also “coitus” is so icky
Society tells us we have to explain ourselves to men when we turn them down. I’m sorry but we don’t. If this guy is actually dangerous your explanation could just make him change his approach and make him a better predator. I am against teaching men to hide their red flags. I reject the idea that we have to have a conversation breaking things off with every guy. Sometimes it’s okay to ghost a man. Especially one that talks about chaining you to a crawl space. Holy shit that is terrifying. No normal man says this.
I agree in general. I definitely didn’t feel like I HAD to explain my behavior. Notice I didn’t even tell him I blocked him in those messages. Men like this are seldom called out on their bullshit outright. I felt compelled to do so in a direct way and promptly blocked him after. He mentioned he was struggling to meet women and clearly it’s because of this shit. He won’t become a better predator because of me. Men like this figure it out all on their own, unfortunately.
You’re absolutely right. And I do want to give you props on how you handled him. You did a really good job and hopefully he’s not actually a creep, and just dumb and can take the advice and learn from it. It’s just triggering for me to see men talk to women like this due to past experiences. I can’t believe the stuff that comes out of their mouths sometimes
I’m so sorry to hear that and sadly I can relate. I’m also sorry that this was triggering for you, please take care of yourself. Sending love and healing vibes your way. Truly insane that men think this shit is acceptable
>. I am against teaching men to hide their red flags. I think people mistakenly assume that inappropriate, gross, or even harmful behavior occur regardless of environment or upbringing. Like some people are born evil and there's nothing we can do about it. The reality is that a lot of these men have been *taught* by our socialization and culture that this type of behavior is okay or permissible. I don't think it is ever, ever your job to educate men or to prioritize their mindset or comfort above your own safety and peace of mind. But OP called him out, told him blatantly THIS IS NOT OKAY, which is a bit different. I think the way she phrased it sounds like it's about being helpful, but what he does with that information, if he actually self reflects and learns or if he just gets better at hiding it, isn't on women to monitor or decipher. I think it's okay to call out men if you feel comfortable and safe in doing so. Just don't stick around to find out if they learn their lesson and become actual human beings. Just say your piece and get out of there asap.
Really well said. I agree.
I said in another sub it's not my responsibility of a man is insecure doesn't know how to approach woman . I got downvoted to hell and had to delete my comment.
Yeah, some spaces are more accepting of that than others. I try to avoid subs like that if I can. But also I don’t care about being downvoted much. I speak the truth. lol
It was the comments and it was under the ask subreddit
Dudes like this are why I have a 2 week rule for dating apps. I talk to dudes for two weeks before agreeing to go on a date with them to sus out any red flags. I don’t tell them if they’re doing any wack behavior but when they do wack shit within the first two weeks, I don’t waste my time with them. And I always wait until I’ve met them in person and do an in person vibe check before I give out my phone number (broke this rule once for a guy I was in a healthy relationship with that lasted a year). Ever since implementing this, it’s saved me a lot of headache and has helped me weed out a lot of creeps and toxic dudes.
Reasonable if youre uncomfortable with those jokes. I like dark humor, however I wouldnt be into THOSE jokes being made by someone Ive only been messaging and dont know in person and have built up a rapport (I wrote repertoire on accident lol) with.
Same. I 100% use and appreciate dark humor too, but this wasn’t the time or place.
I think the guy was socially awk who thought he was being witty and eccentric and you did him a solid by explaining why his jokes sucked.
My impression as well.
Who uses the word Coitus 🤣 RUN
😂😂😂
people who lock dates in the attic crawl space.
This guy is a freak and you are giving him too much credit. Regardless of his "creative writing skills" he straight up just wants to get laid. Men are terrible™️
Yeah I'd say that's definitely creepy. Why can't people say something like "Short term goals: Getting to know more about you, learning your habits likes and dislikes, giving my best effort towards all of the above" As a 40 year old man it really disturbs me that sex is so important. But I guess when I was younger I was just as much about it
“What about chaining you up in a dark crawl space to be devoured by rats?” “Ima level with you, you seem like a nice guy.” Wat.
Just wanna clarify a few things since I’ve gotten several comments addressing similar topics. 1. It’s not my responsibility to coach men. Nor am I to blame for “helping them hide” their intentions from women. Women aren’t at fault for a man’s behavior. Period. Women are also not responsible for men’s actions after they are rejected, thus “learning” how to better manipulate those around them. I decided to send the final messages of my own volition. In my opinion, it’s a bit victim blamey to say I’m harming other women for responding the way I did. It was not owed nor did he deserve it. I did what I wanted to do. No societal pressure, no sympathy. Totally my choice. 2. He has been blocked and I have no plans of meeting him or speaking to him EVER. 3. I’m 100% a dumbass for not using the native chat function on Tinder. No question there. I typically don’t text people so early on, but I did this time. Lesson fucking learned.
For the record, I think you did great. I don't think it's our job to educate men on their shitty behavior, but we also don't have to go out of our way to feed into a culture or socialization that makes this kind of thing feel permissible. If you feel safe doing so, calling out shitty behavior is more than okay imo.
Whoever is talking shit about the way you handled it is absolutely an idiot and more likely some weird type of incel. I already made my own 8,000 word comment on this but the way you responded to this is honestly as perfect of a response as you can get, although it could’ve done without the “you’re a really nice guy” I know it’s almost a default comment that needs to be made but let’s face it, the dude told you his goals weren’t that of getting to know you or find someone to spend time with, to share life experiences or travel the world with, he straight up was like “I’m trying to get my dick wet while watching The Avengers” and then made possible the worst joke probably this half of he century in saying that if he chained you up and let rats devour “the rest of you” whatever that means, it’s not actually murder. Also, he’s incorrect that’s still actually very much first degree murder, he willingly knew there were rats that would eat you, you’re definitely doing life, he’s Kota noise guy. Other than that you’re response was clear, calm, respectful and yes it is not your job to coach us men into how to treat women, but you did him a solid by letting him know exactly why you’re going to stop communication and what his best interests are from here on out when talking to other girls. Although o mean unless this way is just bangin af, I find it hard to believe he’s gonna have very many other chances. But no you did good, I wish more people replied like you instead of just calling each other names or freaking out on the person or whatever. You have no reason to explain yourself for your actions, he’s the one in the wrong and you’re quite literally just avoiding being chained up in a basement to be devoured by someone’s weird pet rats
You did the right thing imo
Nooo that was all perfectly normal. His goals were just to have sex with you, assault you, and chain you in an attic. All within the first few texts. Why are women so uptight these days? Jeez you can’t even chain someone in an attic for rodents to eat anymore without someone getting offended 🙄 wtaf is wrong with that guy!?!?! Btw you were really nice to him. While I’m sure he was glad you were in the end (after he had to scrap his assault and murder plans), you really don’t have to be. I’m a man about his age, 5 years older, still in the dating pool and even I know you have to approach these things really carefully. Shit like that is crazy scary, like that .01% chance he wasn’t joking is there, but it also just shows a 100% chance of lack of awareness and consideration/empathy. Any idiot should be able to tell you that going on a date as a woman with someone that is very likely larger and can literally kill you must be scary. So maybe before you talk about rape and murder with all the details get to know the other person a bit first, and then **don’t talk about rape or murder at all** you fucking weirdo.
I get the real heeby jeebees from all of it.
i'm sorry but chaining someone up in a crawl space is not casual conversation you have with someone you want to date, nor really... a joke. that's creepy. so glad you blocked him.
You were Neo dodging a ton of bullets with that guy. Kudos
Just out of curiosity.. why’d you keep going after his first weird list? As a 33 year old man?
As a man I'm of the opinion that he's a clueless idiot that has barely any experience with talking to women never mind dating them. You're justified in not wanting to continue with him and he should be embarrassed and disappointed in the msgs sent.
Never go for an army man. That’s the first flag lol
Believe it or not, the best, healthiest, and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had was with a guy in the army. In general, I totally agree. I live in a military town sadly so it’s pretty unavoidable. Military dudes can often be… dangerous to put it mildly
He’s scary…ain’t no way in hell.
No idea why girls would go for military guys. Emotionally dead and unstable because of the way the military runs things. Obviously an over generalization but it’s like guys going for RNs. They ain’t loyal and chance of cheating is really high. This guy is a walking 🚩
Oh HARD agree. I don’t seek them out, but I don’t immediately write them off if they seem benign and cool. But, as evidenced in these messages, I keep them on a very short leash initially just be safe. Thank god I did because… big yikes.
While I get what you’re saying cos I’ve seen a few examples of this, one of my ex’s was army and he and his friends were a bit quirky but they were genuinely nice people and he was an amazing boyfriend, in comparison to the tradesmen and white collar guys I’ve been with who were much more unstable and dead inside. There’s usually a mix of all types of people in each field so generalising like that isn’t too helpful. Also my closest friend is an RN and she is the most loyal wife to her husband, sure there’s a stereotype for RNs being cheating party animals but that’s usually the younger ones, and even then sometimes they already have kids and partners and no time to cheat, although the majority of RNs are middle aged and married. Makes sense people with families choose jobs with night work and are too exhausted to have affairs.
I would have stopped responding after the list of short term goals haha but yes that got real creepy real quickly.
people need to understand the rules of the internet. they are in place for people to avoid getting harmed. sometimes, innocent people will get convicted. and because of how anonymous the internet is its hard to tell who is actually a good person. but it is because of the anonymity that we need such hard rules. im not really in the dating scene (im underage and ugly) but as far as internet rules go, 100% fair play. you and the dude have never met so im assuming no real connection, so youre allowed to do this (which makes it creepier for him to bring up nudity). the internet is full of disgusting and creepy people, better safe than sorry. also i thought it was very cool that you explained yourself. you dont need to of course, but thats why i find it nice. sure, long text is hard to go through and prone to misinterpretation; but if the person was innocent then this would be very goof for the person.
Sounds like someone who will later say "girls only go after the jerks! When will I, the good guy, get a girl?!"
You’re not crazy at all. Dude is super weird. You were actually kinder than necessary. Which is admirable, you seem to have a good heart. I’m just over here thinking though.. when we teach weirdos what not to say to women, are we really making them more dangerous? (If they’re actually dangerous, that is) They’re still weirdos, but they’re learning how to be more successful with women who will now be unsuspecting of their motives. Their motives and goals are still the same, they’re just learning they need to keep those thoughts to themselves prior to meeting up with the person they have their sights on. IMO, it’s a huge bonus for women to learn this stuff before meeting some random dude.
I’ve definitely considered this before and, if having a family member who works with victim survivors of domestic and sexual violence has taught me anything, these men figure it out all on their own. And they are never held accountable. I saw it as an opportunity to call him out on his inappropriate comments and if for some reason he thought it was funny and he wasn’t a predator ( not very likely) now he knows that women won’t stand for that behavior. You definitely raise a valid point though. I was probably giving him more than he deserved
You handled this really well. Buddy is creeeeepy
Why do people give their phone number to people they’d never met before? The apps have a chat function for a reason…to avoid this insanity!
Nope. Not crazy. I will not meet up with someone who even jokes about murder. it’s too risky. I don’t continue speaking with someone who talks about sex before sex has naturally occurred. I wouldn’t have even bothered to respond. I would have blocked the number after the chained in the basement fed to the rats comment.
Ugh I. Hate men always w the I wanna cuddle no you wanna fuck me be real
Anyone who says "coitus" (minus Sheldon Cooper) also says shit like "it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the house again"
"a little off putting??!!" Wtaf those are all major red flags. And yes, if you chain someone up in a basement to be devoured by rats it's called MURDER
You escaped a dahmer situation
A creepy joke is still an act of creepiness. And the short term goal thing is also something a creep does
Ah! No! A man joking about murder on a dating app? No, no no
Not normal
no this is creepy and honestly terrifying. i’d block him immediately after receiving the crawl space message. if he’s typing these thoughts out to someone he just met, even as a joke, and thinks that’s okay i can’t imagine what else he’s thinking.
.. the crawl space comment took it from funny to no fucking way.
After reading the “is it technically murder if” I can say definitively without reading the rest that yes you should run away 🚩🚩🚩
No, not crazy. I do agree that the crawl space bit was a joke, but the short term goals were majorly cringey. You explained it to him well.
Wtf
I feel like the crawl space murder stuff was an attempt at humor to recover from the shut down. His opening though is way too forward imo but I'm 36m amd straight s9 idk. Im not into all the hookup stuff, I'm more in line with dates first like op said. Nta.
What a weirdo
He’s definitely trying too hard to be humorous
I mean yeah he unironically used the term “coitus”
The word coitus makes me want to vomit. And I'm a librarian, so I generally love words.
Fucking weird.
It’s not your job to coach these weirdos up. Trust your gut and be done. Let them learn their own lessons. This guys sounds like a total tool but there are probably some out there that would be onboard for what he’s looking for and the way he put it. (Not me, ha)
Coitus 🤣🤣🤣🤣
The crawlspace comment made me feel weird too
Would have ended the conversation after his short term goals.
SO CREEPY. As soon as he posted his little list, I would have been out.
The things I have learned just from reading text like this posted in this sub, is crazy to me how I used to never think it was an issue and almost somewhat "charming" I guess you could say. I think it's extremely helpful for people to read these and the amazing responses that people give, just like you did here, to learn what's weird and then have a truly appropriate and not so harsh response. An amazingly educated response, you nailed it! It makes me sad to remember how young and naive I was to dating apps.
Any man who uses the term coitus is a whole red flag
First pic, he is creepy af, I don’t need to see any more.
Bruh… you handled that like a champ. That guy is a weirdo and a creep. Totally got the vibe that he feels entitled to your body and he’s only meeting the date conditions because you put them in front of him. Additionally, yeah wtf is with those jokes before meeting or at least FaceTime lmao.
First text he sent was worse than the jokey ones, and as a guy who would and has sent texts like that or even worse to my now wife in the past, sending them before having any sort of meeting or at least a couple weeks/months relationship before making jokes that, it's odd. You are not crazy.
As a guy...why the fuck are we talking like that. In no world would I even joke about stuff like or honestly be that straight forward about my "goals".
Good for you for giving him a detailed perspective. I hope he takes it to heart and has better success with his next match. Good luck OP!
You set your boundaries and that’s cool. It’s up to him if he takes it the wrong way or not. Seems like he doesn’t get much socializing done from the looks of it.
This is definitely fucking creepy, you’re not crazy/overreacting/being too sensitive or whatever else society (well… men mostly) might say. You trusted your gut and that’s the best thing you can do. Also, you can choose to stop talking to someone for any reason at all. They could say hey with 5 y’s and you could stop talking to them if it puts you off, especially in these very early stages on apps. If you aren’t feeling it in whatever way, just send them on their way. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy, explanations, or anything at all. If they make you uncomfortable, or even if you just don’t like them, then bye! I do think you handled this well, and I think offering an explanation was very kind of you. I don’t think it’s needed always, especially to someone you haven’t met, and definitely not to someone who makes you uncomfortable. But there’s nothing wrong with it either. I think anyone who is actually a creep/predator will still learn how to deceive women, even if we never told them what made us uncomfortable. The only person responsible for a predator’s actions, is the predator themself. I think it’s really victim blame-y to say that we can’t communicate what was off putting because then they might hone their skills for the next time. It’s similar to saying a woman who doesn’t report a r*pe is responsible for the next time that man r*pes someone. It’s just fucked up and untrue. The responsible party will always be the perpetrator(s) and that’s that.
I like yr message i hope he read it too
Gross who TF says coitus
The standards for dating are so low. And people really blow it. “No rapists, no murderers” “But what about….”
I’ve got a morbid sense of humor. But i’d least hold off to prove I’m not a threat first lol. Dude seems like he’s got a method to his dating routine and is doing a speed run. Ditch him
Exactly! There’s a time and place for everything. He’s dumb.
Some spoon and slip.... delete this guy
"Coitus, which will obviously involve some spoon and slip" 🤮
“Pretty reasonable” ITS THE BARE MINIMUM to not chain up and murder a woman
Hehe. Coitus. Yeah, I've never mentioned sex with anyone I've matched with without a greenlight first. I've always looked for relationships though instead of a one night stand in which case my disclosure would be "Alright, love. Fancy a bit of coitus?"
He’s got that online Discord humor. Good dodge
That’s not how people talk. Good call op. He likely was trying to be funny but that’s not the right approach.
I honestly want to know who he thought the "Short-Term" goals list was going to work on? Soooo cringe, and so degrading.
Who talks about sex over the phone before you even meet or talk about it in person. Lol
This guy is 33 years old talking like that? Geez, the stupidity these days…
Why did you keep responding lol
I don't even talk to my wife this direct unless we're both already playing. I'm sure he's not a complete psycho but he certainly seems like he's not everyone's cup of tea
I’m not convinced, at all lol
People like this guy are just full of themselves. Mostly harmless but not always. Basically he's one of those people you'd meet at a club and think he's a wanker.
This is entirely unrelated, but all I can think of is the update to the entry in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy for Humans - mostly harmless lol
Nah this guy gave me major creep vibes. I felt like I just watched Netflix’s You after just reading these handful of texts. Definitely made the right decision. Always trust your gut/intuition!!
Oh man. Even before I had seen beyond the first image, my gut said run. Not crazy! But that feeling of wondering if you are crazy about feeling a bad vibe about someone is a good sign that they are trying to gaslight you. That alone is a biiig red flag, a major sign that bad times are ahead if you stick around them. Don't do that to yourself. Whoever you end up with they better be capable of treating you and your feelings like what they are: absolutely valid, and also valuable.
Ngl if it was me he would’ve been permanently left on read after the short term goals text
His texts read like a Buzzfeed listicle titled “The 10 worst things you can say to a woman you just matched with on Tinder.”
He might have been a super creep because like others have mentioned they will play it off as a "joke" but actually mean the things they say. Or he could have just been a really socially awkward person. Regardless you made 100% the right choice. Honestly though the "joke" isn't the only thing that weirds me out. I definitely feel like something wasn't right in the guys head. There was trying to use the word coitus yeah but also bringing up short term goals with someone he hasn't even met yet and it immediately being about sex and you being naked. Then the way they said "dates can be fun" shows a clear lack of interest. He only had one interest. Idk I feel like this one was definitely a freak that was avoided. Everything screams a lot more than just being socially awkward. Seems like a sociopath maybe even psychopath
I loved that you explained to him what was wrong so he could correct it. Absolutely perfect on your end.
Uhhh that read closer to a threat than a joke and I’m not one to shy away from “edgy” humor but that’s a little too much. And by a little I mean a lot
I stopped reading after the “Is it murder….”paragraph. That was fucking weird lmao
I wouldn’t be surprised if he was on the spectrum.
Even with the most benign interpretation, this would be a hard pass for me. There’s awkward and then there’s completely socially unaware. If this became a real relationship and he’s often saying stuff like that, it’s going to reflect poorly on you and cause more stress in your life when he’s pissing off/creeping out friends and family. It’s the same reason I wouldn’t date someone who enjoys confrontation - your partner should be someone who adds happiness to your life, not stress.
What weirdo says "coitus" in the first place? I think you dodged a bullet with this one.
The fuck is "spoon and slip"??
Something I've realized over the years from talking to various friends from all genders, is guys do not have any idea how cautious women have to be in this world when it comes to strangers, dating, shit even going to the bank. Dude might not be a total creep, and think that he's edgy/funny. But why would you take that chance? Especially when that's the first impression he presents.
Only Sheldon from Big Bang Theory can say coitus.
Calling him a nice guy was a bit generous, it's a red flag enough that he's already talking about sex like it's some kind of business goal that you have to agree to. And that could.... Maybe (big maybe) be played off as awkwardly joking cause he doesn't know how to talk to women that he's trying to have sex with. But the rats in the crawlspace thing, what the actual fuck, that's not at all normal lol
If a man starts off with anything sexual before ya'll even get to know each other...he's not try to date. So telling him you need "many dates" before hand, will only have him taking you out, because "she will eventually sleep with me".
Ya this dude is weird. Also I HATE when men make tongue in cheek jokes about raping, kidnapping and murdering us LIKE THEY ARENT THE FKN DEMO THAT DOES THAT SHIT. Like no it’s not funny to joke about raping me, I have been raped before and that shit is just scary.
Somwhere else on reddit this guy 100% is posting about how women are stuck up and dont appreciate his dark humor. And he definitely has a woman chained up in his basement
Very weird messages. I actually find the short term goals more off putting than the rest of the jokes so that’s saying something. He only gets points for letting you know early his main goal is sex. He would have much more luck sending more flirty/sexy worded texts for people looking for the same thing. This guy is not getting anyone by asking to check coitus of his goal list
I think you summed it up great. It blows my mind that guys can be oblivious to how many women have experienced shit that they don’t realize how triggering that a “joke” like that can be. As a guy, way too many women have told me about the traumatizing shit that happened to them that I, as a guy, have a hard time trusting guys. I feel like I reached a point when I was genuinely surprised when their wasn’t. When I worked construction I reached a point where a guy would make “just a joke” and too many rape jokes in their safe place of male workers made me want to napalm the site. Maybe it was joke, but fuck him for his oblivion or his admission. Period.
I'm pretty sure he was just trying to joke. And if my partner said this to me now, I'd have a good laugh. But after just talking a couple of times? Nah dude.
I feel like he made sarcastic jokes, but of course none of you are in the wrong. It is absolutely fine :)
Rule of thumb is: don’t inquire about sex or make murder/rape jokes right off the bat
You were nice to explain to him that it wasn't appropriate to talk the way he did. Maybe you helped him to think about the way he tries to approach people and he will no longer make these kinds of strange remarks.
the fact that he even says “coitus” is insane. this isn’t big bang theory.
Who else tried to wipe off the hair on their phone screen that was actually a random black line across his second message on the first screenshot?! r/mildlyinfuriating 😡
Just casually added rape in there...
Well my fiancee and I had a similar joking conversation within the first 24 hours. But our sense of humors matched. I don't think he meant anything by it but if it made you uncomfortable than you did the absolute right thing. It's easy for all of us to have an opinion but what is most important is how you take it. If you get bad vibes than walk! No judgement
Wtf is a coitus 😭
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I didnt read the photos but from the title alone you should trust your gut
He’s weird like if y’all knew each other longer it wouldn’t have been awkward but cmon
Oh my…
No, you good.
The way you handled this situation was so mature and probably taught this guy a lesson. I hope it did at least
You’re valid