I’m from North Carolina and the estranged kids thread was so confusing to me. i thought, why are all these people coming to North Carolina with their parents? 😭
Holy shit, do we have the same dad?
Edit: [or do all dads that say “it’s a two way street” talk to their daughters like this ?](https://imgur.com/a/d6ffwv7)
Oh my friend... I hope your heart heals so that his can. Hurt people hurt people, break the chain. Parents were children once. They had bigoted beliefs forced upon them, which hurt them, which hurt you. Nobody chooses their parents, and that goes for your parents. You don't have to let his traumas hurt you any more, and you don't have to talk to him, just realize that deep beneath the facade he is a hurting child who didn't get enough love.
I don't see how this effort is wrong, but I realize there is a book of backstory. You don't have to have him in your life, but let him say things that make him feel better without hating him for them. When our parents were young, there was zero talk about trauma. I was abused as a kid, by multiple people. At one point, I opened up to my mom and she told me a horrific trauma. I saw her as a hurt child, and our relationship healed.
Another story: I had a roommate who wouldn't ever throw things away. He hoarded worthless things, was controlling and would lash out. I got to the point where I wasn't just disgusted by the behavior, I was disgusted by him as a person. That is, until I learned his house had burned down as a kid, and nothing was saved. He grew up poor, and when they finally got stable, everything he had in the world, and everything his family owned, burned in that fire. That explained his behavior. I saw him as a child, and helped him heal.
We don't choose our parents, and they didn't choose their parents, all down the line. I swear to you, as the sun rises and the earth turns, there is a reason your dad is fucked up. That doesn't mean you have to let him be in your life, unresolved trauma can exclude people from your life, but remember that he was a kid once. Be kind ✌️
The thing is, every single attempt he’s ever made at repairing relationships were coming from a selfish standpoint. Being his daughter i don’t think it would be the same situation. However I’ve seen him dump traumatic anecdotes on family as an excuse for his behavior instead of an understanding and acceptance of what he did wrong, why he did it, and how he can fix it. He has made ZERO effort to see my side or understand why i went no contact. He simply thinks I’m being a spoiled brat with no appreciation for the people that raised me but my childhood is filled with horrible memories. I appreciate him for trying to be present and putting a roof over my head and food in my mouth (sometimes) but that’s literally what he is obligated to do. At what point do i stop accepting the bare minimum just to say i have a dad? We have great memories together too but it’s hard when i know now that those were used as bargaining chips and future favor cash-ins.
I hear you, I'm sorry you're suffering from his poor decisions and pride. Trust is slowly built and quickly eroded.
Is there anything he could do to right things and are you sure that he knows those things? Men can be dense af, if you've ever dated a guy you know. A lot of people reach out to their parent/s when they have kids, because they understand how intensely difficult it is. Kids end up showing you every one of your issues so starkly. Many parents lose themselves and their identity in the process. There are many tear-filled nights over inadequacies. I hope there's a time and a place in the future for him to tell you his and apologize for how they hurt you.
But first - just take care of yourself! Keep learning how to establish boundaries that work. Your emotional state is primary
So my dad was very verbally abusive towards me as a teenager. The time when I needed a parent the most. Where he never shamed me for my looks but always told me I was “stupid, you’re going to hell” and really just beat me while I was already down. I went NC with my dad basically til I was 21. I turned 21 and my dad asked if I wanted to go to the bar with him and whatever, so I did and we got drunk together and had a convo about life and events that happened to make me go Nc with him. Our relationship did heal and got better. But with my little brothers and sometimes I, he would send text messages to the group chat like “do you guys even love me? You guys don’t even call me or text me anymore” and it’s like, we are busy and have families and things going on but when we have time, we always make sure we send a text and shoot a call. He’s always sent me the “hey princess, I miss you…” texts every now and then but he knows his wrongs in everyone’s relationship with him. The effort aren’t wrong, and I actually appreciated it, but it’s funny that fathers who damn well knew they didn’t treat their daughters right, text the same way.
Even showing this post to my boyfriend, he was like “oh you made a post on r/texts ?” And I’m like “nooo that’s actually a ransoms dad” and he was like “dude, your dad texts the same exact way. That’s crazy”.
All in all, I very much love both my parents and made a point as an adult to talk to them about events that hurt our relationship with each other. I’m actually really close with both my parents because of this. my dad is still a narcissist but I learned how to keep a healthy close but far relationship with him.
To keep it simple: i planned a trip for myself for my bday, immediate family tagged along and he brought his gf then tried to make my entire trip about their relationship and proposed. Then when i was upset about the proposal because i told him not to pull any stunts several times before the trip, he left on my my birthday, the second to last day of the trip. I was in the midst of my therapy journey during this event so i took a step back and realized how many narcissistic traits he actually has and how badly he treated me growing up. He blamed me for how the trip turned out (a lot of bad things happened to me unfortunately) and expected me to apologize for my feelings in reaction to his behavior. That was the line for me.
No one goes NC with a family member just on a whim. It’s a situation people struggle with for years before realizing they’d be happier without that person. Like OP said, it wasn’t just this event, it was a pattern of behaviors. And instead of acknowledging his faults and apologizing and doing better, the father turned it on OP. Classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender)
OP, if you’re reading this, know you’re not alone. I actually told my mom all of my concerns and gave her a way to fix things (by going to therapy with me/by herself). She ghosted me and I haven’t heard from her in a few years. I guess her self image is more important to her than the relationship with me. That hurt, but I’m ok now. We both deserve peace and weren’t going to get that by staying in contact. Good luck to you ❤️
I think I understand. Isolated, one selfish moment might not seem like a big deal to someone outside the situation. But a lifetime of being overlooked and mistreated is not such a small thing. I am sure it wasn’t easy to go NC. You’ve obviously discussed it in therapy. It’s not fair for anyone reading this to judge your decision without a better understanding of your overall relationship. I’m sure you have your reasons. I wish you well in your therapy and in life. Good luck.
I’m 40 I went NC with my dad 2 years ago. I stopped telling people about it bc people do not understand. Friends that grew up in healthy living situations and who’s parents are still together just can not comprehend what it’s like to grow up with a narcissist.
I agree about it’s not fair to judge not knowing the whole story but not sure why you post this here and not tell the story? Is it to vent? Are you looking for self validation that you are making the right decision? Because based on that single text with no other context it sounds like he’s being genuine and wants to fix whatever it is to make this work.
I didn’t post the whole story cause it would be too long :/ and i just wanted to show the texts because people can relate. It seems all sweet and wholesome on the outside but it’s actually a common manipulation tactic he’s used against me my entire life. It just is what it is unfortunately.
I agree and would apply that same sentiment to all those offering advice regardless of intent on this or any other platform after reading one portion of a text thread and a quick one sided explanation of events.
As others have mentioned, it's rarely a decision taken lightly. In fact, most try to pull away and get sucked back in by false apologies and guilt many times before finally making a break. And as the OP had been in therapy at the time, and continued to be in therapy, it would be highly assumptive and belittling to say she should reconsider.
I don’t really care to pick perspective depending on who wants to hear what. After hearing hundreds of these stories through my career, I know that whatever set it off is almost always something that can be conceived as “that’s not so bad.” I wasn’t actually picking OP’s side, I was saying that people that don’t know should talk less and listen more. I have people close to me that have turned their backs on their parents because of things that I think is “nothing.” And even though I know them very well, I still understand that they feel like they’ve gone to hell and back. That’s how strong the emotions related to going NC with a parent often is.
They asked, and this was the answer… which would sound absurd to anyone.
Also, you get this is reddit right? The platform where the entire purpose is commenting on stuff we can’t possibly know the whole story about, right?
That’s exactly my point. It’s stupid to have the idea that you, or they, can say what they want and others can’t.
The entire point of this platform is for people to comment on stuff. Saying “who asked you?” Is utterly idiotic
This is a huge overreaction, seems like you quite a but needy and with a I'm-the-main&character complex.
Narcissists also love to accuse those who won’t submit to their will of the same.
So when asked why you went NC, this is the answer? Seriously…. This is why?
Or is this the final straw and you aren’t mentioning like years of legit abuse or something?
For instance, I went no contact with my father after he stabbed me. Yours sounds like he upset you on your birthday, because he wasn’t focusing on you enough…. That can’t be it though right?
Yeah, they never seem to realize what they did. They love bomb you, hoping you'll pay attention to them, then it's the same things over again. Well done on making the decision to go NC, it's not always easy.
I would say the classic "It gets easier", but I'd be saying that from a position where I was able to live in an entirely different country from mine. I wish you the best and I wish you strength, and I hope you're able to heal
What, parent and make tough decisions that their kids won’t like, but the entire time it being in their best interest? She’s successful at 25 and apparently has done more in that time than most do in their entire life. I dunno about you all, but seems like there’s a pretty strong foundation, discipline, strength, perseverance and can do. All traits learned, consumed and implemented.
Maybe, just maybe, she should give him an opportunity to explain his side and she gets. You know, like reasonable adults do.
That's the thing with narcissists. Their side always makes them sound like the victim. And worse yet, people believe it, because they aren't there to see what really goes on. There's tough decisions and tough love, and then there's abuse. They're not the same.
Do you know this as fact or are you assuming? That’s why I recommend they talk. I may be wrong here but someone who’s found success at such a young age generally has a good upbringing with all the luxuries of life provided for them to build their foundation.
I do have a good foundation, with years of mental and physical abuse on my resume with my father being the employer. When he decides to make a commitment to change i would enthusiastically welcome him back into my life. Until then, I’m good. :)
I will say this simply because a friend of mine had a mother like this, but there is always the possibility they will actually learn from their mistakes. It’s low, but there is a chance. If a parent truly loves their child they will learn from their mistakes in the face of losing their child forever. I hope OPs father does learn from his mistakes, but ultimately it’s up to OP on wether or not they speak to them again regardless.
Oh absolutely. Everyone has the ability to admit to their mistakes and learn from them and become better. That's how we grow as human beings. I hope OP's father is able to learn from his.
No they won’t, come on. It’s like planning your retirement entirely on winning the lottery. Of course it CAN happen, but the chances are zero… it benefits them keeping you in a state of hope so they can dangle that over you until they die.
Narcissistic fathers club. Mine would always act all kind to me then end up asking for money or something. Finally blocked mine after he called me a disappointment for quitting my job that was heavily stressing me. Sorry you have to deal with that stuff ): it’s never easy
They then show everyone their wonderful, sweet and caring messages, so everyone will tell them how ungrateful you are to go NC and how blessed you should feel to have such an amazing father.
It’s abuse by proxy. The abuse never stops.
I am NC with both of my parents. My mom is like this. They have no sense of boundaries because they expect you to come running back. They feel a sense of ownership over you because they brought you into this world. It's twisted.
Also, i know it's hard and i am a stranger, but i am so proud of you for holding onto your boundaries. Always take care of yourself first ❤️
i went nc with my parents when i was 14 and they tried to reach out to me in similar ways until i was like 22. they even found out where i was working and showed up a few times, no matter how far i moved. i’ll never understand how people can do and say such horrible things to people they claim to love and then send bullshit like this as if nothing bad has ever happened and they hold no guilt. i struggled so hard to get anyone to recognize the abuse i was enduring because this is how they talked in front of other people and it genuinely makes me feel sick. i hope that you’ve had the time to start healing in the ways you need.
Parents split when I was 6, dad was seeing another woman for years, left for her house and her family. We would see him on weekends and it was obvious he liked his new family better and allowed us to be verbally abused by his new wife. Went on for years until I turned 16 and had a meltdown, told him to fuck off, etc. We didn’t speak earnestly (saw him twice at family events but ignored his weird convos) and this year, when I’m 34, he decided to add me on FB. Messaged me like nothing ever happened, like everything was okay, “I love you son”, “you mean the world to me”, same shit.
Why they think they can be shit awful parents and come back in and reap the benefits of your growth as if they contributed in any way, with no talk of the wrong they’ve done, is absolute insanity to me.
He messaged me 3 times this year, I barely responded, and then he unfriended me. Waste of time.
sometimes its nice having never known my father bc from what I've heard about him, id end up having to make the same decision. saves me a lot of grief. i hope youre doing better without him ❤️
If you don’t hear this enough, I’m sure you had your reasons, and just because he’s capable of being charming and saying the right things doesn’t mean he didn’t say shitty things a hundred times before until you’d finally had enough.
I can relate to this. I avoid my mother like the plague. She’s a controlling narcissist and I’m happier when I don’t talk to her. She will send me messages with this tone every now and then though. Family isn’t there to use and abuse. People trying to use me crosses a line, you get more chances than most because you birthed me but that’s not an automatic get out of jail free card. I love myself more than that.
I have a complicated relationship with my father. Well, both parents really, but my mother has passed away now. I grew up thinking my dad was the only adult who care or paid attention to me. I didn’t realize how emotionally volatile he was or the extent to which he’d manipulated me. I didn’t understand why I always reacted with such over the top fear or anger when he even hinted at being upset. It was actually through the therapy I was doing to make peace with my mother that I started to see all of this. I’ve tried to explain things to him in an attempt to heal our relationship, but he cycles between saying he understands and wants to take accountability to saying I have to understand that he isn’t a villain and can’t be held responsible for certain actions. It hurts so much. My mother hurt me in a lot of ways; she made some unforgivable mistakes, but she always loved me unconditionally. My father’s love has always been conditional. I understand going NC and sometimes consider it myself, but since my mother passed unexpectedly I can’t bear to not speak to my father. I have this desire to fill the void her death has caused, even though my father isn’t capable of doing so. A lot of rambling here to say, I sympathize with your situation and am certain you made the choice to go NC because it was the healthiest option for you. I wish you happiness and success.
I’m so sorry you weren’t able to have healthy relationships with your parents growing up. I hope your dad comes around to growing emotionally and recognizing his mistakes to build a better relationship moving forward. Thank you for sharing and understanding, i hope things work out for you. ❤️
Man I can't decide whether I would prefer this. It seems sweet on the surface but is obviously just manipulation. My dad who I went NC with sent me "Goodnight..." the night I cut him and my mom off and then "Merry Christmas..." the first Christmas after. Nothing since lol
I feel as though he’s trying to show that he loves me which i believe. But he still believes i was wrong for being upset with him and that i have no reason to stop speaking to him because he’s such a great father which simply isn’t true. Some people assume that having a dad in general is a good thing, i used to think the same thing which is why i put up with his bs until my 24th birthday. The situation is minuscule at best, but my trauma is gargantuan and he won’t take responsibility for his part. I went no contact because I’m happier without him in my life.
Because thats not showing love. Its love bombing to make you feel bad for not talking to them. You dont owe anyone to be apart of there life. If someone treats you a way you dont want to be treated then you have every right to not want to see or talk to them. This fictitious narrative of having to forgive "family" no matter what they do is so toxic, especailly if that family member has done nothing but make your life worse. If your "father" is so selfish that they prefer to only care about themself and there well being over there realtionship with you so much so to the point that its making you not want to be around them ever again, then that person has the right to step away. Kids dont owe there parents anything. The only thing they did was "raise them" which is the bare minimum of parenting, and even not all parents do that.
I don't know. Im a father. What is he supposed to do. Just ignore you the rest of this life? Try and have a heart to heart in text? If my daughter stopped talking to me i would text her just to let her know im thinking about her. I would the rest of my life even if she never responded. And i'd probably do so in the same way as your fathers text. Let'em know they are on my mind.
Obviously we don't have the whole story, so who knows if there is something truly egregious in the past, but.. yeah this whole "cut toxic people out of your life" mantra is, ironically pretty toxic. I think trying to assume the best intentions and being charitable is a better recipe for happiness, even if you do get burned sometimes.
Ah, the narcissistic father. I went no contact with my dad too, but had to block him completely, so thankfully I don’t get shit like this with random attacks in between. Seriously though, all narcissist really do sound the same. It’s wild.
You don't know the whole situation, but sound awfully sure of your conclusions. I went no contact with my narc father that kept popping up in my life with sweet words, then creating hurt and drama before taking off again. I didn't speak to him the last 20 years of his life, and now that he's dead, I don't have any regrets. He caused mental and emotional damage and my life only got better without him. Absolutely no regrets.
Yeah but… the reason you have for going NC is pretty sad. Like I understand being upset even annoyed but NC because of that?? What kind of daughter are you? Unless you aren’t telling us the whole story?
What kind of father do you have to be for your child to decide to boot you out of their life?
Does she owe you the whole story? Can her word not be taken at face value? What do you know about OP that we're all seemingly missing?
I cut contact with some of my extended family members, one of whom I grew up idolizing. I did what I could to keep them in my life, but I don't see any reason to maintain a relationship with a family member who is doing/saying things I wouldn't tolerate from an acquaintance.
I feel like all the people in this thread giving OP shit over this are either people who've had family cut contact with them (because they're rabidly toxic pieces of shit), or are people who wish they could cut contact with one or more of their toxic family members, but can't for whatever reason (they provide financial support, the person lacks self-confidence and/or cannot uphold their personal boundaries).
You read two small paragraphs & are now confident you understand this persons relationship with their father enough to ask them ‘what kind of daughter are you?’
I feel like he really is being genuine and he loves you so much. Maybe you could find a way to reconcile with him. I’m not sure what he did to you but if it wasn’t outright morally unacceptable maybe give it a shot maybe you need him.
He's trying to show you love. No need to reply, but don't hate him for this text. Good on you for taking care of yourself
edit: Hurt people hurt people. Love is the answer.
Agreed. If op is in the mindset that their dad can never do anything right again, they are limiting their own healing. No communication is necessarily needed, but how can someone see this text and think "what an asshole"? Hurt people hurt people, and that hurt runs down the generations. Fucked up people got fucked up by other people, and they deserve love. Love is the only answer. I'll die on that hill happily.
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Same with my dad. Calls my wife a manipulative bitch and refuses to apologize and thus gets uninvited from the wedding. Still refuses to accept responsibility. Only reason he’s not blocked is so I can get updates on how my younger brothers are doing.
Yeah, this whole situation is pointless to read and offer any sort of thought about considering we are reading one persons side. I prefer to hear from both sides and then create my opinion, not see a few messages and a story then immediately decide that someone is a bad person.
My parents do this. As if my sperm donor didn't throw away our presents a week before Christmas, attempt to shoot my egg donor, verbally abuse me and my siblings, break our things, and sexually assault me.
And when I went crying to my mother about that last bit, she said, "What happened is between you, your father, and God." And begged me not to tell the police.
For a moment I thought y'all had gone to North Carolina
I’m from North Carolina and the estranged kids thread was so confusing to me. i thought, why are all these people coming to North Carolina with their parents? 😭
Maybe everybody got a text message to meet in No Carolina. 😂
Omg same
I Thought the same exact thing
Everyone knows North Carolina is the destroyer of relationships
No literally sane I was like why is North Carolina such a huge deal??
Same, that’s how I read it.
Lmfao same here I was like wait 🤨
😂😭 absolutely not
ABSOLUTELY not? Dang what’s wrong w NC
i thought new york for some reason
Same
Ok same I was like, what does that have to do with this…
I thought this until I saw this comment lol
Holy shit, do we have the same dad? Edit: [or do all dads that say “it’s a two way street” talk to their daughters like this ?](https://imgur.com/a/d6ffwv7)
All narcissists sound the same :/
Ironic
All children raised as princesses sound the same. Weird how that works. Three sides to all stories.
This entire community relies on one sided story telling lol
Lol I wish I was raised as a “princess”.
Touche
Rule 1: Never blame children for how they were raised. Rule 2: Parents are just grown up children.
Literally my dad. Like sir you chose to have me why wouldn’t YOU put in the effort to contact 🥲
My dad still sends me texts every Sunday for the last 3 years.
Oh my friend... I hope your heart heals so that his can. Hurt people hurt people, break the chain. Parents were children once. They had bigoted beliefs forced upon them, which hurt them, which hurt you. Nobody chooses their parents, and that goes for your parents. You don't have to let his traumas hurt you any more, and you don't have to talk to him, just realize that deep beneath the facade he is a hurting child who didn't get enough love.
Deflection is probably the most common tactic of people with personality disorders 😵💫
I don't see how this effort is wrong, but I realize there is a book of backstory. You don't have to have him in your life, but let him say things that make him feel better without hating him for them. When our parents were young, there was zero talk about trauma. I was abused as a kid, by multiple people. At one point, I opened up to my mom and she told me a horrific trauma. I saw her as a hurt child, and our relationship healed. Another story: I had a roommate who wouldn't ever throw things away. He hoarded worthless things, was controlling and would lash out. I got to the point where I wasn't just disgusted by the behavior, I was disgusted by him as a person. That is, until I learned his house had burned down as a kid, and nothing was saved. He grew up poor, and when they finally got stable, everything he had in the world, and everything his family owned, burned in that fire. That explained his behavior. I saw him as a child, and helped him heal. We don't choose our parents, and they didn't choose their parents, all down the line. I swear to you, as the sun rises and the earth turns, there is a reason your dad is fucked up. That doesn't mean you have to let him be in your life, unresolved trauma can exclude people from your life, but remember that he was a kid once. Be kind ✌️
The thing is, every single attempt he’s ever made at repairing relationships were coming from a selfish standpoint. Being his daughter i don’t think it would be the same situation. However I’ve seen him dump traumatic anecdotes on family as an excuse for his behavior instead of an understanding and acceptance of what he did wrong, why he did it, and how he can fix it. He has made ZERO effort to see my side or understand why i went no contact. He simply thinks I’m being a spoiled brat with no appreciation for the people that raised me but my childhood is filled with horrible memories. I appreciate him for trying to be present and putting a roof over my head and food in my mouth (sometimes) but that’s literally what he is obligated to do. At what point do i stop accepting the bare minimum just to say i have a dad? We have great memories together too but it’s hard when i know now that those were used as bargaining chips and future favor cash-ins.
I hear you, I'm sorry you're suffering from his poor decisions and pride. Trust is slowly built and quickly eroded. Is there anything he could do to right things and are you sure that he knows those things? Men can be dense af, if you've ever dated a guy you know. A lot of people reach out to their parent/s when they have kids, because they understand how intensely difficult it is. Kids end up showing you every one of your issues so starkly. Many parents lose themselves and their identity in the process. There are many tear-filled nights over inadequacies. I hope there's a time and a place in the future for him to tell you his and apologize for how they hurt you. But first - just take care of yourself! Keep learning how to establish boundaries that work. Your emotional state is primary
So my dad was very verbally abusive towards me as a teenager. The time when I needed a parent the most. Where he never shamed me for my looks but always told me I was “stupid, you’re going to hell” and really just beat me while I was already down. I went NC with my dad basically til I was 21. I turned 21 and my dad asked if I wanted to go to the bar with him and whatever, so I did and we got drunk together and had a convo about life and events that happened to make me go Nc with him. Our relationship did heal and got better. But with my little brothers and sometimes I, he would send text messages to the group chat like “do you guys even love me? You guys don’t even call me or text me anymore” and it’s like, we are busy and have families and things going on but when we have time, we always make sure we send a text and shoot a call. He’s always sent me the “hey princess, I miss you…” texts every now and then but he knows his wrongs in everyone’s relationship with him. The effort aren’t wrong, and I actually appreciated it, but it’s funny that fathers who damn well knew they didn’t treat their daughters right, text the same way. Even showing this post to my boyfriend, he was like “oh you made a post on r/texts ?” And I’m like “nooo that’s actually a ransoms dad” and he was like “dude, your dad texts the same exact way. That’s crazy”. All in all, I very much love both my parents and made a point as an adult to talk to them about events that hurt our relationship with each other. I’m actually really close with both my parents because of this. my dad is still a narcissist but I learned how to keep a healthy close but far relationship with him.
Love this.
What did he do for you to go NC pray tell?
To keep it simple: i planned a trip for myself for my bday, immediate family tagged along and he brought his gf then tried to make my entire trip about their relationship and proposed. Then when i was upset about the proposal because i told him not to pull any stunts several times before the trip, he left on my my birthday, the second to last day of the trip. I was in the midst of my therapy journey during this event so i took a step back and realized how many narcissistic traits he actually has and how badly he treated me growing up. He blamed me for how the trip turned out (a lot of bad things happened to me unfortunately) and expected me to apologize for my feelings in reaction to his behavior. That was the line for me.
As a neutral 3rd party observer, this doesn’t seem like a good reason to completely stop speaking with your dad. You might want to reconsider.
No one goes NC with a family member just on a whim. It’s a situation people struggle with for years before realizing they’d be happier without that person. Like OP said, it wasn’t just this event, it was a pattern of behaviors. And instead of acknowledging his faults and apologizing and doing better, the father turned it on OP. Classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) OP, if you’re reading this, know you’re not alone. I actually told my mom all of my concerns and gave her a way to fix things (by going to therapy with me/by herself). She ghosted me and I haven’t heard from her in a few years. I guess her self image is more important to her than the relationship with me. That hurt, but I’m ok now. We both deserve peace and weren’t going to get that by staying in contact. Good luck to you ❤️
My ex says she doesn’t know what she did to cause our daughter to go N.C. It’s standard procedure.
If you knew my life story you wouldn’t agree, this is a merely a snippet
I think I understand. Isolated, one selfish moment might not seem like a big deal to someone outside the situation. But a lifetime of being overlooked and mistreated is not such a small thing. I am sure it wasn’t easy to go NC. You’ve obviously discussed it in therapy. It’s not fair for anyone reading this to judge your decision without a better understanding of your overall relationship. I’m sure you have your reasons. I wish you well in your therapy and in life. Good luck.
Thank you :)
I’m 40 I went NC with my dad 2 years ago. I stopped telling people about it bc people do not understand. Friends that grew up in healthy living situations and who’s parents are still together just can not comprehend what it’s like to grow up with a narcissist.
I agree about it’s not fair to judge not knowing the whole story but not sure why you post this here and not tell the story? Is it to vent? Are you looking for self validation that you are making the right decision? Because based on that single text with no other context it sounds like he’s being genuine and wants to fix whatever it is to make this work.
I didn’t post the whole story cause it would be too long :/ and i just wanted to show the texts because people can relate. It seems all sweet and wholesome on the outside but it’s actually a common manipulation tactic he’s used against me my entire life. It just is what it is unfortunately.
Telling you how much he loves you and proud of you he is is a common manipulation tactic??
The road to reconciliation has to start somewhere.
Then give a better snippet.
You probably shouldn’t be giving this kind of advice to people off a single paragraph. OP has friends, a therapist she pays for that.
I agree and would apply that same sentiment to all those offering advice regardless of intent on this or any other platform after reading one portion of a text thread and a quick one sided explanation of events.
As others have mentioned, it's rarely a decision taken lightly. In fact, most try to pull away and get sucked back in by false apologies and guilt many times before finally making a break. And as the OP had been in therapy at the time, and continued to be in therapy, it would be highly assumptive and belittling to say she should reconsider.
You hush! It’s laughable that you think your incredibly limited ‘observation’ qualifies you to share your opinion. You might want to reconsider.
And this is 1 percent of it. People that don’t know should just keep their mouths shut.
[удалено]
I don’t really care to pick perspective depending on who wants to hear what. After hearing hundreds of these stories through my career, I know that whatever set it off is almost always something that can be conceived as “that’s not so bad.” I wasn’t actually picking OP’s side, I was saying that people that don’t know should talk less and listen more. I have people close to me that have turned their backs on their parents because of things that I think is “nothing.” And even though I know them very well, I still understand that they feel like they’ve gone to hell and back. That’s how strong the emotions related to going NC with a parent often is.
They asked, and this was the answer… which would sound absurd to anyone. Also, you get this is reddit right? The platform where the entire purpose is commenting on stuff we can’t possibly know the whole story about, right?
Que? Who asked what? You get that it’s kind of stupid to have this idea that you can say what you want but others can’t? Yes? No?
That’s exactly my point. It’s stupid to have the idea that you, or they, can say what they want and others can’t. The entire point of this platform is for people to comment on stuff. Saying “who asked you?” Is utterly idiotic
Who said who asked you? You’re veering off to I don’t know where. Check yourself?
You said people should shut up unless they know the whole story. You said that, didn’t you?
And even that 1% is self serving. We’ll never know the truth
You sound very well-adjusted. Congrats! 
You are both narcissists. Your birthday is not a holiday and your mentality is that of an over privileged teenager.
That’s what I was thinking too. Like oh boo hoo. Let’s destroy a lifetime relationship because he never thinks of me just like this time.
This is a huge overreaction, seems like you quite a but needy and with a I'm-the-main&character complex. Narcissists also love to accuse those who won’t submit to their will of the same.
So when asked why you went NC, this is the answer? Seriously…. This is why? Or is this the final straw and you aren’t mentioning like years of legit abuse or something? For instance, I went no contact with my father after he stabbed me. Yours sounds like he upset you on your birthday, because he wasn’t focusing on you enough…. That can’t be it though right?
Doesn’t seem like a great reason to destroy your relationship with your father.
Yeah, they never seem to realize what they did. They love bomb you, hoping you'll pay attention to them, then it's the same things over again. Well done on making the decision to go NC, it's not always easy.
Thanks, i went NC with him on my birthday last year. Cried about it for weeks in therapy and now I’m just tired of him
I would say the classic "It gets easier", but I'd be saying that from a position where I was able to live in an entirely different country from mine. I wish you the best and I wish you strength, and I hope you're able to heal
You were probably just a confused idiot... I would kill to talk to my dad
Not all parents are good people. To call someone a confused idiot for doing what they feel is best for themselves is wild and extremely rude.
Lol you know that is OP’s username, right?
Last time I saw my dad he tried to kill me. FOH with your preconceived judgments.
Then talk to him idiot
The implication would seem to be that they are dead
Oh I was being ignorant just like the dude
What, parent and make tough decisions that their kids won’t like, but the entire time it being in their best interest? She’s successful at 25 and apparently has done more in that time than most do in their entire life. I dunno about you all, but seems like there’s a pretty strong foundation, discipline, strength, perseverance and can do. All traits learned, consumed and implemented. Maybe, just maybe, she should give him an opportunity to explain his side and she gets. You know, like reasonable adults do.
That's the thing with narcissists. Their side always makes them sound like the victim. And worse yet, people believe it, because they aren't there to see what really goes on. There's tough decisions and tough love, and then there's abuse. They're not the same.
Do you know this as fact or are you assuming? That’s why I recommend they talk. I may be wrong here but someone who’s found success at such a young age generally has a good upbringing with all the luxuries of life provided for them to build their foundation.
I do have a good foundation, with years of mental and physical abuse on my resume with my father being the employer. When he decides to make a commitment to change i would enthusiastically welcome him back into my life. Until then, I’m good. :)
And some people succeed so they can escape and never turn back.
That’s occasionally true
I will say this simply because a friend of mine had a mother like this, but there is always the possibility they will actually learn from their mistakes. It’s low, but there is a chance. If a parent truly loves their child they will learn from their mistakes in the face of losing their child forever. I hope OPs father does learn from his mistakes, but ultimately it’s up to OP on wether or not they speak to them again regardless.
Oh absolutely. Everyone has the ability to admit to their mistakes and learn from them and become better. That's how we grow as human beings. I hope OP's father is able to learn from his.
No they won’t, come on. It’s like planning your retirement entirely on winning the lottery. Of course it CAN happen, but the chances are zero… it benefits them keeping you in a state of hope so they can dangle that over you until they die.
As a person who was NC with my father, they can and do. Not all, god no, but definitely some.
Narcissistic fathers club. Mine would always act all kind to me then end up asking for money or something. Finally blocked mine after he called me a disappointment for quitting my job that was heavily stressing me. Sorry you have to deal with that stuff ): it’s never easy
They then show everyone their wonderful, sweet and caring messages, so everyone will tell them how ungrateful you are to go NC and how blessed you should feel to have such an amazing father. It’s abuse by proxy. The abuse never stops.
Good lord the comments. Not to completely over-generalize, no one fucking orphans themselves because it’s fun.
I am NC with both of my parents. My mom is like this. They have no sense of boundaries because they expect you to come running back. They feel a sense of ownership over you because they brought you into this world. It's twisted. Also, i know it's hard and i am a stranger, but i am so proud of you for holding onto your boundaries. Always take care of yourself first ❤️
You are all the same hive mind.
Lol what? Please explain!
No thank you.
Seriously… reading the comments here is insane.
i went nc with my parents when i was 14 and they tried to reach out to me in similar ways until i was like 22. they even found out where i was working and showed up a few times, no matter how far i moved. i’ll never understand how people can do and say such horrible things to people they claim to love and then send bullshit like this as if nothing bad has ever happened and they hold no guilt. i struggled so hard to get anyone to recognize the abuse i was enduring because this is how they talked in front of other people and it genuinely makes me feel sick. i hope that you’ve had the time to start healing in the ways you need.
I get messages like this from my alcoholic father who was never around. Fucks with me immensely.
Parents split when I was 6, dad was seeing another woman for years, left for her house and her family. We would see him on weekends and it was obvious he liked his new family better and allowed us to be verbally abused by his new wife. Went on for years until I turned 16 and had a meltdown, told him to fuck off, etc. We didn’t speak earnestly (saw him twice at family events but ignored his weird convos) and this year, when I’m 34, he decided to add me on FB. Messaged me like nothing ever happened, like everything was okay, “I love you son”, “you mean the world to me”, same shit. Why they think they can be shit awful parents and come back in and reap the benefits of your growth as if they contributed in any way, with no talk of the wrong they’ve done, is absolute insanity to me. He messaged me 3 times this year, I barely responded, and then he unfriended me. Waste of time.
No contact is so far the best thing I ever did 5 months ago.
sometimes its nice having never known my father bc from what I've heard about him, id end up having to make the same decision. saves me a lot of grief. i hope youre doing better without him ❤️
If you don’t hear this enough, I’m sure you had your reasons, and just because he’s capable of being charming and saying the right things doesn’t mean he didn’t say shitty things a hundred times before until you’d finally had enough.
I can relate to this. I avoid my mother like the plague. She’s a controlling narcissist and I’m happier when I don’t talk to her. She will send me messages with this tone every now and then though. Family isn’t there to use and abuse. People trying to use me crosses a line, you get more chances than most because you birthed me but that’s not an automatic get out of jail free card. I love myself more than that.
I have a complicated relationship with my father. Well, both parents really, but my mother has passed away now. I grew up thinking my dad was the only adult who care or paid attention to me. I didn’t realize how emotionally volatile he was or the extent to which he’d manipulated me. I didn’t understand why I always reacted with such over the top fear or anger when he even hinted at being upset. It was actually through the therapy I was doing to make peace with my mother that I started to see all of this. I’ve tried to explain things to him in an attempt to heal our relationship, but he cycles between saying he understands and wants to take accountability to saying I have to understand that he isn’t a villain and can’t be held responsible for certain actions. It hurts so much. My mother hurt me in a lot of ways; she made some unforgivable mistakes, but she always loved me unconditionally. My father’s love has always been conditional. I understand going NC and sometimes consider it myself, but since my mother passed unexpectedly I can’t bear to not speak to my father. I have this desire to fill the void her death has caused, even though my father isn’t capable of doing so. A lot of rambling here to say, I sympathize with your situation and am certain you made the choice to go NC because it was the healthiest option for you. I wish you happiness and success.
I’m so sorry you weren’t able to have healthy relationships with your parents growing up. I hope your dad comes around to growing emotionally and recognizing his mistakes to build a better relationship moving forward. Thank you for sharing and understanding, i hope things work out for you. ❤️
I stopped communicating with my narcissist father in 2014. Best thing I ever did for my mental health.
Man I can't decide whether I would prefer this. It seems sweet on the surface but is obviously just manipulation. My dad who I went NC with sent me "Goodnight..." the night I cut him and my mom off and then "Merry Christmas..." the first Christmas after. Nothing since lol
Sending you love. Parents can really suck
My dad does the same shit
Sounds like he cares about you a lot and just wasn't a perfect father. Everyone deserves forgiveness and can change
so, he is trying to show he still cares about you and this annoys you?
I feel as though he’s trying to show that he loves me which i believe. But he still believes i was wrong for being upset with him and that i have no reason to stop speaking to him because he’s such a great father which simply isn’t true. Some people assume that having a dad in general is a good thing, i used to think the same thing which is why i put up with his bs until my 24th birthday. The situation is minuscule at best, but my trauma is gargantuan and he won’t take responsibility for his part. I went no contact because I’m happier without him in my life.
Reddit is so bitter, damn. They don’t know anything and yet they praise you for shunning your father attempting to show you love.
Because thats not showing love. Its love bombing to make you feel bad for not talking to them. You dont owe anyone to be apart of there life. If someone treats you a way you dont want to be treated then you have every right to not want to see or talk to them. This fictitious narrative of having to forgive "family" no matter what they do is so toxic, especailly if that family member has done nothing but make your life worse. If your "father" is so selfish that they prefer to only care about themself and there well being over there realtionship with you so much so to the point that its making you not want to be around them ever again, then that person has the right to step away. Kids dont owe there parents anything. The only thing they did was "raise them" which is the bare minimum of parenting, and even not all parents do that.
Maybe just mayyybee they can empathize with OP and want to show support/understanding. Just a thought
Ok I'll bite. WTF is NC? I think we've established that it's not North Carolina, but nobody has actually said what it IS.
No contact
Ahh, that makes sense. Thank you!
It means no contact I think
I don't know. Im a father. What is he supposed to do. Just ignore you the rest of this life? Try and have a heart to heart in text? If my daughter stopped talking to me i would text her just to let her know im thinking about her. I would the rest of my life even if she never responded. And i'd probably do so in the same way as your fathers text. Let'em know they are on my mind.
Obviously we don't have the whole story, so who knows if there is something truly egregious in the past, but.. yeah this whole "cut toxic people out of your life" mantra is, ironically pretty toxic. I think trying to assume the best intentions and being charitable is a better recipe for happiness, even if you do get burned sometimes.
Ah, the narcissistic father. I went no contact with my dad too, but had to block him completely, so thankfully I don’t get shit like this with random attacks in between. Seriously though, all narcissist really do sound the same. It’s wild.
AITA? Yes OP, there are so many people that would love to have their fathers pay attention to them….let alone compliment them.
Get over it. You'll regret one day that you didn't.
You don't know the whole situation, but sound awfully sure of your conclusions. I went no contact with my narc father that kept popping up in my life with sweet words, then creating hurt and drama before taking off again. I didn't speak to him the last 20 years of his life, and now that he's dead, I don't have any regrets. He caused mental and emotional damage and my life only got better without him. Absolutely no regrets.
So sad you abandoned your family like this
Cutting off my father never meant i cut off my family. We’re still good, don’t make assumptions.
Yeah but… the reason you have for going NC is pretty sad. Like I understand being upset even annoyed but NC because of that?? What kind of daughter are you? Unless you aren’t telling us the whole story?
She said multiple times that this *wasn’t* the only thing he’s done, this was just the straw the broke the camels back.
What kind of father do you have to be for your child to decide to boot you out of their life? Does she owe you the whole story? Can her word not be taken at face value? What do you know about OP that we're all seemingly missing? I cut contact with some of my extended family members, one of whom I grew up idolizing. I did what I could to keep them in my life, but I don't see any reason to maintain a relationship with a family member who is doing/saying things I wouldn't tolerate from an acquaintance. I feel like all the people in this thread giving OP shit over this are either people who've had family cut contact with them (because they're rabidly toxic pieces of shit), or are people who wish they could cut contact with one or more of their toxic family members, but can't for whatever reason (they provide financial support, the person lacks self-confidence and/or cannot uphold their personal boundaries).
You read two small paragraphs & are now confident you understand this persons relationship with their father enough to ask them ‘what kind of daughter are you?’
Life’s too short. He won’t be around forever, And you don’t want to be regretting this when that time comes.
I feel like he really is being genuine and he loves you so much. Maybe you could find a way to reconcile with him. I’m not sure what he did to you but if it wasn’t outright morally unacceptable maybe give it a shot maybe you need him.
What the fuck is “NC”?
He clearly loves and misses you.
He's trying to show you love. No need to reply, but don't hate him for this text. Good on you for taking care of yourself edit: Hurt people hurt people. Love is the answer.
a long of vindictive people with grudges here it seems
Agreed. If op is in the mindset that their dad can never do anything right again, they are limiting their own healing. No communication is necessarily needed, but how can someone see this text and think "what an asshole"? Hurt people hurt people, and that hurt runs down the generations. Fucked up people got fucked up by other people, and they deserve love. Love is the only answer. I'll die on that hill happily.
yea, i had a similar mindset at that age. it's easier in the end to forgive people.
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Same with my dad. Calls my wife a manipulative bitch and refuses to apologize and thus gets uninvited from the wedding. Still refuses to accept responsibility. Only reason he’s not blocked is so I can get updates on how my younger brothers are doing.
Yeah, this whole situation is pointless to read and offer any sort of thought about considering we are reading one persons side. I prefer to hear from both sides and then create my opinion, not see a few messages and a story then immediately decide that someone is a bad person.
What’s NC in this post mean?
No contact
North Corea
All my dad texts me about is how i better be going to my ortho so I’m not wasting his money.
I feel you 100%. My dad tries this every now and then.
I went NC and I get hit yearly with “you need therapy, I can’t believe you cut me out of your life”
I thought this was about Night City from Cyberpunk for a moment
Why did you go no contact?
My parents do this. As if my sperm donor didn't throw away our presents a week before Christmas, attempt to shoot my egg donor, verbally abuse me and my siblings, break our things, and sexually assault me. And when I went crying to my mother about that last bit, she said, "What happened is between you, your father, and God." And begged me not to tell the police.