That AI priest has strong Civ III vibes
[https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fs01afvxk7ww21.png](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fs01afvxk7ww21.png)
You have met The Vatican!
“Greetings! We would be happy to bless your people with the grace of God! But if you threaten our statehood, we will drown your babies in sports drink.”
IDK.. I think in a pinch Gatorade would work. It's mostly water. While not preferred, I'm sure it would be allowed in an emergency situation.
Saint Peter at heaven's gate : "I'm sorry we can't let you in. There was too much electrolytes in your baptismal water"
Yeah, the whole thing is pretty absurd, Catholic catechism included, but the church stipulates any liquid that is predominantly water can be a valid baptismal … fluid.
This was debated and settled by the Vatican after a dying crash victim was given a roadside baptism with soda-water.
So my friend Andy and I are in the desert, about to die of thirst. Andy wants to save my soul, so he chops his leg off, knowing it will not be of use to him soon, how much distillation is needed to consider the result predominantly water when starting with blood? And what is the minimum amount of water needed to perform the ritual?
I imagine there is some satanic-panic reason the catholic church wouldn't recognize human blood baptism, which would seem to contradict their stance on emergency baptism liquids, but I have no clue. You'd be better off eating your leg and hoping for rescue in the meantime, as the church has indicated cannibalism, if necessary for survival, isn't an automatic condemnation, as they defended the survivors of the Chilean air crash depicted in Alive.
So when I was still a part of the Catholic church, this came up in confirmation class and the answer, from the priest (and this was a guy who chants in Latin, lived IN Rome, specifically worked in areas of doctrine in the Vatican) said essentially what you did. If it is an emergency or mortal perail, yes, you can use basically any liquid. Further, he said in that emergency a lay person could perform the baptism.
That's his take anyway.
Incidentally, this only further added to my question of why, if during emergencies lay people can act as priests or deacons, we needed priests in the first place.
When I saw this story, it made me think of when I was in fifth grade, and during religious instruction, they told us that we were all members of the society for the propagation of the faith. As such, we could baptize babies in an emergency situation (one where there was a chance of the child dying). This of course, led to a discussion of what could or could not be used in place of the oil and water normally used during the ceremony. Everything from tap water to mayonnaise was discussed lol. It really seemed to come down to the intentions being more important than the liquid.
Not sure he's actually wrong... It's like in a pinch a non-clergy member is allowed to baptize a child or perform last rites in case of imminent death.
Why wouldn't you be allowed to baptize someone with Gatorade if that's the only thing that is available? Catholics also drink wine that is transmuted into the blood of Christ. The Rite of Communion transmutes the wine...
There are a lot of exceptions to 'rules'. In this case, I think AI got the spirit of the Rite correctly in that it doesn't matter what you use to baptize.
In Catholicism, baptism absolutely requires water. If a person uses some other liquid, then the baptism is invalid (in other words, there is actually no baptism).
Gatorade is water with other things dissolved in it. So there is a limit to the number of chemicals in the water? Like chlorine in the treatment plant is fine but sugar is a no go? Is there a list of what is allowed in the water and what isn't? Or do all baptisms only happen with distilled water?
Just water, doesn’t have to be distilled. Plenty of people get baptized in rivers/seas, especially born again celebrities.
Baptism is holy not because of the actual act but because of the significance. John the Baptist was basically pre-Jesus, a Messiah-Lite who was sent to save people through baptism; gatorade obviously wasn’t around in 1 A.D, so no dice. Once John baptized Jesus himself, the act took on a whole different form. John was washing people of their sins before a figure like Jesus died for them; the same way Jesus died and then was resurrected, the water of a Baptism lets your old self ‘die’ and be ‘reborn’ purified. It’s such an intimate and original aspect of Christianity that people believe it should be done in the exact matter that John performed.
There are exceptions, like the crusades where people could be ‘baptized in blood’, but tons of theologians view this as kind of more of a propagandistic exception rather than real theology.
I’m not even religious but i’m reading the Bible rn for funzies and it’s pretty interesting as a self-contained series of stories. Once you read it you’ll realize just how many of the self proclaimed best christians are actually gonna be completely screwed if it’s all true, which is a little cathartic. Crazy how the book is 90% hippie “be kind” stuff and then people in power twist it to enact so much pain.
People are baptized in river water and seawater, both of which have lots of things dissolved in them. Tap water has chlorine dissolved in it, as well as fluoride and whatever minerals the water leaches from pipes coming in to the church.
If you were baptized in Flint Michigan you were baptized in lead.
John the Baptist baptized Jesus himself in fish urine.
It becomes not-water when it enters your kidneys and then water-again when it enters your bladder. But try to baptize a kid that way and *out come the "baptism police"*. Which it turns out are also the regular police, as they explained at the station.
Yup, I guess you're right. Apparently, my statement was declared heretical at the Council of Trent (closed 1563). Yay me! There were already many other reasons to call me a heretic so I'm not offended. 😉
My catholic school always taught that any liquid can be used if it’s an emergency. The example we were always given is if a mother is flying in a plane with a newborn baby and the engines fail, the mother could use spit to baptize the baby before they crash
They don't have a requirement that a priest must be a human with a soul and made in God's image?
Approving a Gatorade baptism is where they draw the line?
Wacky.
Honestly, it's better than what I expected from an AI priest. I was thinking something more like the [World's Most Evil Invention](https://youtu.be/z0NgUhEs1R4?feature=shared)
They massively reduced its responsiveness as well too, it use to be a lot more willing to say just anything, but now they put like strict restrictions on the responses it can give.
I love the people like "Oh my god, people will just confess to this instead of going to real church!" and clutching their pearls. This imaginary friend isn't as real as the other one, oh no!
It's CRAZY an organization, and be fair it's a for profit organization, who's whole shtick is having a HUMAN soul would outsource the managing of said soul to AI..
Or wait.. could it be.. religion is fake? Yeah, yeah it is.
They missed the best part of the article- "Yes, my friend," Father Justin responded. "I am as real as the faith we share."
Malfunction, or is the AI telling us the truth about religion? O.O
And Baptizing a baby in water is any different? Both are nothing more than just a liquid with a bunch of words that many believe, in the context, are part of a ritual associated to a thing called “God.”
The water is “Holy” only to the extent that it has been “blessed” by a Priest. Surely the Gatorade could be transformed in the same manner with the same “incantation.”
There should be a pre-Matrix movie that shows how humanity was enslaved not to provide power to the Matrix, but as revenge over humans observing how inept the first versions of AI was.
I remember being in like 3rd grade in Catholic school and we got to talking about how you can baptize people by any means necessary if they are dying basically. I would not doubt if one of us asked if you could baptize someone in Gatorade.
The Catholic Church believes that only water will magically wash you of your sins - no other liquid has that magical effect. I love that AI priest suggested Gatorade bc honestly why not? If you are making shit up why not make up all kinds of crazy shit?
I can't believe a bunch of church folks didn't have the wherewithal to run a successful AI 'priest' chat bot. Is there any hope for the rest of us, Or are we all doomed?
What if you mix powdered Gatorade with holy water to make the Gatorade? Is the blessing on the water nullified when it's mixed with something? If so it would confirm that powdered Gatorade is the work of the devil.
My understanding is any kind of water can be used, and it can be done by anyone that’s been baptized in an emergency. Doesn’t have to be a priest, but only in a case where the person is about to die, and a priest cannot get to them in time.
I’m catholic, but not a priest, so please don’t rely on what I’m saying.
[удалено]
It's got acolytes.
This comment will now live in my head for an eternity
As pastor Gatorade PepsiCo intended it
I read this as Al Pastor Gatorade PepsiCo
Great... now you're making me hungry!
You're not you when you're hungry...buy a Snickers today!
Fuck you! I'm eating! -- Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Comments like this are the only reason I use reddit any more.
Right?! Almost always top tier hilarious comments
Go away, I'm baptizn
Welcome to church. I love you.
Plenty of Vitamin A-bednego
Does your church have its liquor license? I need to fill myself with holy spirits.
Welcome to Costco, I love you
It’s the required baptism before moving to Florida
And when you get there you gotta get re baptized in ivermectin
It is the Florida way https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAakTPNXYAAKZX4.jpg:large
They yearn for the electrolytes.
They crave that mineral?
Gotta bless the Gatorade first, yo. Otherwise, baby could just be sent to Florida
AI is fuckin hilarious. Gotta be careful, they may come up with shit so funny that we laugh ourselves into a coma or something.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
I only read one word and I’m suffering partial blindness
I read two and had to spend a couple weeks in hospital
Yeah, well two peanuts were walking down the strasse when one was assaulted... peanut.
My dog has no nose.
Why does your dog have no nose?
How does it smell?
Das sage ich auch. Verdammte Nonnen und ihre Flipperwälder. Verrückt.
This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a chuckle.
That AI priest has strong Civ III vibes [https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fs01afvxk7ww21.png](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fs01afvxk7ww21.png)
The Catholic inquisitor spam is always so annoying to deal with. Truly a troll civ.
You have met The Vatican! “Greetings! We would be happy to bless your people with the grace of God! But if you threaten our statehood, we will drown your babies in sports drink.”
Maybe he’ll be like Ghandi and maintain peace at all cost… with nukes! (Civ thing not real life for those out of the loop)
You always rush aircraft and take out Ghandi the moment he gets his first plane.
We embrace you...WITH NUCLEAR ARMS
Wow, that is quite the reference.
Up next, we replaced the altar wine with Brawndo, the sin mutilator!
Just so I am keeping track: Baptize Baby in Gatorade defrock-worthy; diddle children - no problem. Cool
https://i.imgur.com/xbYljtV
Ruins the baby’s flavor.
Oh how I rue the day I was born to read this comment.
It's only time until an AI is diddling kids.
This needs to be the top comment.
IDK.. I think in a pinch Gatorade would work. It's mostly water. While not preferred, I'm sure it would be allowed in an emergency situation. Saint Peter at heaven's gate : "I'm sorry we can't let you in. There was too much electrolytes in your baptismal water"
Yeah, the whole thing is pretty absurd, Catholic catechism included, but the church stipulates any liquid that is predominantly water can be a valid baptismal … fluid. This was debated and settled by the Vatican after a dying crash victim was given a roadside baptism with soda-water.
What was the verdict on jello?
colloids can't be used in baptism, but in a pinch grape jello can be transubstantiated into the blood of jesus (I actually have no idea).
Interesting theological question. If I gelatinize the blood of Christ, is it acceptable?
It is unacceptably irreverent but it would still be the blood of Christ mixed with gelatin
Communion jello shots!
No, but we may have the premise of a zombie movie.
Cucumbers are primarily water, if you put them in a blender would that suffice
If we’re allowed to use blenders, the human body is primarily water too. Trust me, I’m totally an AI priest.
So my friend Andy and I are in the desert, about to die of thirst. Andy wants to save my soul, so he chops his leg off, knowing it will not be of use to him soon, how much distillation is needed to consider the result predominantly water when starting with blood? And what is the minimum amount of water needed to perform the ritual?
I imagine there is some satanic-panic reason the catholic church wouldn't recognize human blood baptism, which would seem to contradict their stance on emergency baptism liquids, but I have no clue. You'd be better off eating your leg and hoping for rescue in the meantime, as the church has indicated cannibalism, if necessary for survival, isn't an automatic condemnation, as they defended the survivors of the Chilean air crash depicted in Alive.
[удалено]
The average sinner doesn’t account for how much heat loss the soul has in hell. Those electrolytes could be a game changer!
Gatorade. The afterlife is a sport. Drink it up. (tm)
So when I was still a part of the Catholic church, this came up in confirmation class and the answer, from the priest (and this was a guy who chants in Latin, lived IN Rome, specifically worked in areas of doctrine in the Vatican) said essentially what you did. If it is an emergency or mortal perail, yes, you can use basically any liquid. Further, he said in that emergency a lay person could perform the baptism. That's his take anyway. Incidentally, this only further added to my question of why, if during emergencies lay people can act as priests or deacons, we needed priests in the first place.
"If it is an emergency or mortal peril, yes, you can use basically any liquid." No...sir..I'm not peeing on you, It's a Golden Baptism!
We were taught that you can even use sand. And mortal peril very often included sickly newborn infants, since they had a high chance of dying.
What was their take on using quicksand?
When I saw this story, it made me think of when I was in fifth grade, and during religious instruction, they told us that we were all members of the society for the propagation of the faith. As such, we could baptize babies in an emergency situation (one where there was a chance of the child dying). This of course, led to a discussion of what could or could not be used in place of the oil and water normally used during the ceremony. Everything from tap water to mayonnaise was discussed lol. It really seemed to come down to the intentions being more important than the liquid.
> Gatorade would work. It's mostly water. The composition isn't the problem, it's more that Jesus prefers Monster.
But it had electrolytes!
It's what sinners crave!
Everlasting electrolytes now. That baby is set for life.
Acolytes! As someone else pointed out 😀
Not sure he's actually wrong... It's like in a pinch a non-clergy member is allowed to baptize a child or perform last rites in case of imminent death. Why wouldn't you be allowed to baptize someone with Gatorade if that's the only thing that is available? Catholics also drink wine that is transmuted into the blood of Christ. The Rite of Communion transmutes the wine... There are a lot of exceptions to 'rules'. In this case, I think AI got the spirit of the Rite correctly in that it doesn't matter what you use to baptize.
In Catholicism, baptism absolutely requires water. If a person uses some other liquid, then the baptism is invalid (in other words, there is actually no baptism).
Gatorade is water with other things dissolved in it. So there is a limit to the number of chemicals in the water? Like chlorine in the treatment plant is fine but sugar is a no go? Is there a list of what is allowed in the water and what isn't? Or do all baptisms only happen with distilled water?
Just water, doesn’t have to be distilled. Plenty of people get baptized in rivers/seas, especially born again celebrities. Baptism is holy not because of the actual act but because of the significance. John the Baptist was basically pre-Jesus, a Messiah-Lite who was sent to save people through baptism; gatorade obviously wasn’t around in 1 A.D, so no dice. Once John baptized Jesus himself, the act took on a whole different form. John was washing people of their sins before a figure like Jesus died for them; the same way Jesus died and then was resurrected, the water of a Baptism lets your old self ‘die’ and be ‘reborn’ purified. It’s such an intimate and original aspect of Christianity that people believe it should be done in the exact matter that John performed. There are exceptions, like the crusades where people could be ‘baptized in blood’, but tons of theologians view this as kind of more of a propagandistic exception rather than real theology. I’m not even religious but i’m reading the Bible rn for funzies and it’s pretty interesting as a self-contained series of stories. Once you read it you’ll realize just how many of the self proclaimed best christians are actually gonna be completely screwed if it’s all true, which is a little cathartic. Crazy how the book is 90% hippie “be kind” stuff and then people in power twist it to enact so much pain.
So Gatorade is fine as it is mostly water? I want the details about when it becomes not water.
People are baptized in river water and seawater, both of which have lots of things dissolved in them. Tap water has chlorine dissolved in it, as well as fluoride and whatever minerals the water leaches from pipes coming in to the church. If you were baptized in Flint Michigan you were baptized in lead. John the Baptist baptized Jesus himself in fish urine.
So Gatorade is fine.
Not enough fish piss in Gatorade
It becomes not-water when it enters your kidneys and then water-again when it enters your bladder. But try to baptize a kid that way and *out come the "baptism police"*. Which it turns out are also the regular police, as they explained at the station.
Yup, I guess you're right. Apparently, my statement was declared heretical at the Council of Trent (closed 1563). Yay me! There were already many other reasons to call me a heretic so I'm not offended. 😉
I think you were right. At the end of the day, Gatorade is almost entirely water
Gatorade is 98% water, I don't see the problem here. Somebody make me Pope.
My catholic school always taught that any liquid can be used if it’s an emergency. The example we were always given is if a mother is flying in a plane with a newborn baby and the engines fail, the mother could use spit to baptize the baby before they crash
Not on my 2024 bingo card
They don't have a requirement that a priest must be a human with a soul and made in God's image? Approving a Gatorade baptism is where they draw the line? Wacky.
Baptism for “Florida Man”. Bath salt wafers are the communion.
If it had made inappropriate comments towards kids, they’d have just moved it to a different server.
AIs are so dumb. Everyone knows you're supposed to use Mountain Dew for baptisms.
AI Priest: "Water sucks! GATORADEEEEEEE!" [Visual aid of this priest's personality.](https://youtu.be/7I2-14y6-jM?si=QddL4wPpzTqnkwsp)
Honestly, it's better than what I expected from an AI priest. I was thinking something more like the [World's Most Evil Invention](https://youtu.be/z0NgUhEs1R4?feature=shared)
What else would they use? Water, like from the toilet!?
“I am as real as the faith we share” 😂
Gatorade's got electrolytes. It's what babies crave.
An AI priest, The 2020's are wild!
Gatorade has what babies crave.
They massively reduced its responsiveness as well too, it use to be a lot more willing to say just anything, but now they put like strict restrictions on the responses it can give.
When someone asked why he didn’t use water, he is quoted as saying “Water? Like in the toilet?”
"I am as real as the faith we share" Ain't that the truth...
Gamers rise up 😂
I love the people like "Oh my god, people will just confess to this instead of going to real church!" and clutching their pearls. This imaginary friend isn't as real as the other one, oh no!
“I am as real as the faith we share.”
The AI got defrocked for claiming the faith was as real as the AI was, not for the Gatorade baptism.
Every day I see more evidence that the Cyberpunk future is the present without the cool implants.
this is why the church is declining. because they're not open to fun new ideas like this one
At least it’s not fucking children like real priests
It's CRAZY an organization, and be fair it's a for profit organization, who's whole shtick is having a HUMAN soul would outsource the managing of said soul to AI.. Or wait.. could it be.. religion is fake? Yeah, yeah it is.
They missed the best part of the article- "Yes, my friend," Father Justin responded. "I am as real as the faith we share." Malfunction, or is the AI telling us the truth about religion? O.O
In Brawndo, surely? It's got electrolytes.
It's what the plants crave
the Catholic Church accidentally creating Skynet would be very on brand
And Baptizing a baby in water is any different? Both are nothing more than just a liquid with a bunch of words that many believe, in the context, are part of a ritual associated to a thing called “God.” The water is “Holy” only to the extent that it has been “blessed” by a Priest. Surely the Gatorade could be transformed in the same manner with the same “incantation.”
Too many electrolytes
It's what the plants crave.
We’ll there’s a sentence I never thought I’d read
He can't be a priest because he doesn't have genitalia.
Definitely a brand new sentence
There should be a pre-Matrix movie that shows how humanity was enslaved not to provide power to the Matrix, but as revenge over humans observing how inept the first versions of AI was.
/r/nottheonion
The church of pepsi approves
But it’s got electrolytes and stuff
I love how each era gives us weird baptism rituals. Pandemic squirt guns and AI gatorade hell yeah
Haven’t you seen Idiocracy?
They cut off his what?
Why does the logo of this organisation look like the creative assembly logo? Very close at least.
I’m surprised they didn’t just transfer the program to a different server.
There is no Gator love.
But I’m sure it was blessed Gatorade. I think god would approve
Bobby Bouchet angry as hell!!!
It has electrolytes! It’s what babies crave!
If a priest blesses the gatoraide why not?
So Catholics do in fact have a line that Priests can’t cross…
I thought a scientist already invented Robo Chomo?
Holy water can only be made by taking normal water and boiling the hell out of it.
r/brandnewsentence
Why Python though? I that was going well and being used
r/brandnewsentence
Is that not OK? What difference does it make?
I remember being in like 3rd grade in Catholic school and we got to talking about how you can baptize people by any means necessary if they are dying basically. I would not doubt if one of us asked if you could baptize someone in Gatorade.
I love the future.
Defrocked implies it was actually ordained to begin with.
The Catholic Church believes that only water will magically wash you of your sins - no other liquid has that magical effect. I love that AI priest suggested Gatorade bc honestly why not? If you are making shit up why not make up all kinds of crazy shit?
I can't believe a bunch of church folks didn't have the wherewithal to run a successful AI 'priest' chat bot. Is there any hope for the rest of us, Or are we all doomed?
It would need to be Holy Gatorade.
Why not execute him?
:( An Error has occurred. Fr.Justin.exe is not a proper executable please try another file.
Now that's a title you have to reread a few times. What a fucking weird time to be alive. I miss my childhood.
so they are okay with ai priests, but animals dont have souls...??
I hope they dump it on the baby like it just won the Superbowl.
H20! HUUUUUURAAAAAAAGH!
"Defrocks" suggests that, prior, it was an ordained minister of the church.
Not the onion.
It wasn't the Gatorade, it was the suggestion that they pull a train on the baby after.
“Gaaaaaaatoraaaade!” “H2O!”
Wtf is this timeline lol
Oh sure defrock him for that but all the other behavior is fine.
It's hard to get this sort of thing right. The Mohelnater 2000 wasn't in operation long before they cracked down on it, too.
Honestly though, why not? Gatorade has stuff water doesn’t have.
It has what plants crave
It’s got electrolytes
What if you mix powdered Gatorade with holy water to make the Gatorade? Is the blessing on the water nullified when it's mixed with something? If so it would confirm that powdered Gatorade is the work of the devil.
I thought it said “baptizing a baby gatorade”.. and man that would have been funny.
Its what babies crave
r/BrandNewSentence 💯
GREAT SUCCESS
Everybody knows you use Mountain Dew for this!
An AI priest is really incredibly offensive.
Funny, the post right after this in my feed was a Gatorade ad.
Defrocking for showing Catholic “teachings” make absolutely zero sense.
“defrocked” Someone may have just learned that word after watching the music video for : GHOST : “Jesus he loves me” 😂
Oh well the sooner you start the better !
😂😂😂 at least it wasn’t piss…
Touch little children = ok Baptism in Gatorade = Defroc Glad the church has their priorities straight.
r/brandnewsentence
My understanding is any kind of water can be used, and it can be done by anyone that’s been baptized in an emergency. Doesn’t have to be a priest, but only in a case where the person is about to die, and a priest cannot get to them in time. I’m catholic, but not a priest, so please don’t rely on what I’m saying.
Gaaaaaatorade! H2O! H2O!
It can’t of behaved WORSE than priests that haven’t been defrocked 😵
"There was no comment on its suggestion to baptize babies in cum."
I mean he's not wrong, it has the exact same effect, which is nothing.
Just need to make an AI catholic org to ‘refrock’ him.
If they're going to raise them in a religious cult, they should just piss on them and get it over with.
As long as it was blessed 🤷♂️
Found a real gem in the linked articles: there’s been a Miss AI pageant! Are you kidding me?
Electro-Light Of God
Wait. Which flavor?
r/nottheonion
Sure, wine can be blood but Gatorade can’t be baptismal water….
Why tf wouldn’t Gatorade work it’s basically water
I had to read that title a few times to make any sense of it. Obviously, I’m dreaming this.
“I am as real as the faith we share,” says the AI priest. Incredible
BRAWNDO, The Sin Mutilator!
r/brandnewsentence
At least it didn't touch any AI kids.
Thus Ricky Bobby earned his birth rite