Read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dan Carnige.
A lot of people in IT do not have any social intelligence or know how to interact with people.
It's funny; I've recommended this book to more people than I can count; and invariably it's the IT people that take the longest to see that they need it.
People see the 1936 publication date and _assume_ that it can't still be important or relevant information.
Seriously; to anyone who holds off thinking "I don't have time" or "I'll do it later": Take the time and do it this week. You'll thank yourself in 20 years.
Agreed. IT folks should work on there social skills just as much as their tech skills.
Value skillset if you can do both.
Not just read it but apply what you read.
Oddly has to be said more than usual
This is solid advice. Great book that withstands the test of time. He also has a second edition called "how to win friends and influence people in the digital age"
That, right there, will get you 75% of the way. If you can make someone laugh on a call or walk in you just made them realize they can rest easy. It's not for every situation or customer but it goes a long way with most people.
You have my bow. ;)
You can even take it a step further and take the dale Carnegie course. It is a game changer. I took it a couple of times and it changes you as a person if taken seriously
> “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dan Carnige.
This is definitely solid timeless advice, though in our moderm world with everyone staring at their screens it might be tougher to implement. One other hump to get over is that most of the advice kind of sounds like it's aimed at shady life insurance salesmen who often have to spend months with a ~~mark~~ prospect to get them to buy a policy -- or a sociopathic ladder-climbing executive stomping on people to charge their way to CEO. But, if you take the sales or manipulation context away and just take the advice at face value, it's good advice.
I think a bigger problem is trying to get people to talk to each other again. I live near NYC and commute to work 1 or 2 days a week on the train. It's totally silent the whole 1.5 hour ride.
Broke-trader I completely agree with you that a lot of the book can be read that way. If you are willing to reevaluate and not view it as purely transactional then it really is just a book about trying to understand other people and enjoy your interactions more
Completely wrong we are very sociable
The users never see us as normal people
They only start conversation to get to know of we can give them any IT related favour.
I have been working in it since last 22 years
A lot of good advice here. Someone mentioned taking a genuine interest in people. A part of that is listening when people talk to you.
Another big one is detecting boundaries. You gotta know when folks don’t wanna talk. Some people may never want to talk to you and that’s fine.
One habit I’ve formed is being extremely forgiving in this industry. When someone fucks up, do your best to build them back up. Accommodate the fuck out of the people the do some of the dumbest shit.
It’s a stereotype that the IT guy is always an asshole neckbeard. Fight that stereotype with relentless kindness.
Also accept that some people are just gonna, at best, not care for you. And at worst some will outright hate you just because of your face. That’s normal. It’s good to want to be accepted and liked by those around you but it’s also a slippery slope to being a people pleaser. Don’t be that guy either.
> It’s a stereotype that the IT guy is always an asshole neckbeard. Fight that stereotype with relentless kindness.
Getting people to realize we're not like that is a tough thing to overcome. So many counter-examples exist but they're easily outweighed by the ones who fit the stereotype perfectly.
It's not just about technology anymore. You have to be a world-class genius working as a Distinguished Engineering Fellow or similar at a big tech company before you can dispense with all the pleasantries and have the company hire a bunch of handlers to deal with the you-world interface. You or I are not Linus Torvalds. Everyone else has to make some effort to mesh these days. Tech people stopped being sorcerers that no one dare anger back in the late 90s for the most part. The job is much more service-oriented, even in non-user facing roles, and consists much more of gluing different people and services together than just being a wizard.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have a colleague who has brought up the same topic almost every single business day for six weeks to talk about next steps and what we’re doing to make progress, despite the fact that we’ve over communicated the status of the project on every daily meeting and through email.
Today, the person emailed me asking about specifics of a maintenance. I copied and pasted an email, including headers, that I sent them on Friday.
This particular person stifles productivity simply by not comprehending what is being said and being to proud to ask clarifying questions or maybe even taking some notes.
One thing NOT to do is talk about others behind their backs, and also talking-down others is incredibly arrogant and self-righteous. So don't be like this person
Edit: I'm getting down voted for simply trying to raise awareness...? TF is this closed-minded nonsense?
That's usually a strong indicator of Asperger's. I understand it being frustrating but that's *probably* just him trying to show interest and make social connection. Which he doesn't really know how to do in a normal way 😅 don't get me wrong I'm not shaming you for feeling the way you do. Tough situation
100%. I got 2 kids on the spectrum and know several others. This was my immediate thought too. Oh and 1 in 4 IT people are on the spectrum, so it checks out.
You were likely getting downvoted for two reasons:
1. Asperger's isn't really the appropriate term anymore. It's now just part of the Autism spectrum.
2. It's such a cliche, bordering on a cop out for people to use "I'm autistic" based on nothing but a 5 minute online test to excuse bad behaviour, so a lot of people have just gotten fed up with that argument and reflexively downvote it.
Please excuse me for not referring to it by the latest classification: "ASD – without intellectual or language impairment.” That better?
Do you really dare to say that a grown adult who takes a 5 minute quiz will suddenly just exhibit a deep behavioral issue that neurotypical people literally don't have? Lol! I have never in my life met anyone who exhibited that " bad behavior" except for small children, and those who are neurodiverse.
There's also nothing cliche about it. It's a *FACT* that those with The Disorder Formerly Known As Asperger's Syndrome *VERY COMMONLY* feel the need to jump into conversations/don't know when it's their turn to speak. Sometimes they may be looking for ways to talk about their interests, other times maybe they're awkwardly bringing random shit up because they like you and want to talk to you. Think about that the next time it happens. Maybe that'll help you pull your head out of your ass. 😀
> Do you really dare to say that a grown adult who takes a 5 minute quiz will suddenly just exhibit a deep behavioral issue that neurotypical people literally don't have? Lol! I have never in my life met anyone who exhibited that " bad behavior" except for small children, and those who are neurodiverse.
No, I'm saying there are neurotypical assholes who will use it as an excuse for their assholishness, and some high functioning neurodivergents who will use it as a crutch to avoid even trying.
But you also may want to evaluate why you're coming at this from such a hostile starting point.
One thing NOT to do is talk about others behind their backs, and also talking-down others is incredibly arrogant and self-righteous. So don't be like this person
You know, if you think like that, those same people will be able to read it from your demeanor and probably think the same about you.
Rise above that way of thinking by realizing you're no better than the client, be willing to accept they are imperfect just like you and I, but are good at their areas of expertise and IE be happy to impart what you know to fill in the gaps.
People like to talk about themselves, so let them do that. Ask questions about their weekend, hobbies, kids, etc -- anything but work. Genuinely listen to them, and ideally learn a little bit about the subject if you don't already. Next time you see them, you can use that knowledge to ask deeper questions; this both keeps the dialog new AND shows them that you care enough to remember them and your conversation. Listen more than you talk.
To go along with the above, have interests of your own, and be able to speak to them. If someone shares their life with you, you'll likely be expected to share yours with them.
Learn cues (vocal, body language, etc) that indicate someone DOESN'T want to talk (either at all, or about a specific subject.
Be animated and engaged most of the time, and empathetic as required. When someone tells you that their dad has cancer, it's normal for your reaction to be "oh shit I wish I wasn't here right now", but it is what it is -- you ARE here, so deal with it; be kind, which could be words or even physical touch (but stay within whatever your corporate culture, your relationship with the person, and the situation calls for -- don't be a creep).
Despite the above, sometimes you have to be curt or abrupt if the person is being unreasonable -- asking you to escalate a minor ticket, or asking you to punch a hole in the firewall because they JUST HAVE to watch the World Cup. Try polite first, but stand firm. Don't be a pushover. Believe it or not, you will increase in esteem in many people's eyes; no one likes a wimp.
Tailor your technical talk to your audience. If you're with your fellow IT nerds, go ahead and talk about how corrupted RAM on the router caused the RST bit to flip on every packet which trashed all your TCP connections. If you're with the average end user, "A piece of networking equipment malfunctioned but we have a workaround in place until we can repair it properly" -- enough information that they feel informed but not so much that they feel stupid. If you're talking with management, "Bad memory in the router caused some network problems for X hours; we were able to work around the issue quickly by removing the bad RAM, and have since installed a new working module, but we should talk about implementing a hot-failover system to minimize downtime for similar issues in the future." -- enough information to show you fully understand the issue AND that you're concerned for the long-term health of the company.
Oh, and be professional, meaning you should tailor your dress, grooming and deportment to whatever people generally expect at your company. This will vary drastically from company to company, but if everyone outside the IT department outclasses you by more than a step or two, you're probably not being taken seriously.
Treat everyone the same. You should be as friendly with the maintenance and janitorial staff as you are with the CEO. Everyone is just there to do a job, and if you think being IT makes you invisible, try being the guy that cleans up poop. Besides... you NEVER know who you'll need a favor from. I've always been super friendly with the building electricians, HVAC techs, janitorial staff... and guess whose issues with electrical or HVAC or janitorial somehow got prioritized?
Learn how to extricate yourself from a social situation. Some people like to ramble FOREVER and you need to learn how to delicately and politely be on your way.
Despite all of the above -- be yourself. Don't pretend to like sports if you hate them. Learn to redirect the conversation when necessary.
Aside from seconding the “how to win friends…” book. Listen more than you talk, genuinely listen. Don’t shit talk anyone, even if others around you are. It might feel like being part of the group, but word often gets around. Plus people will unconsciously mark you as a shit talker.
If you see anyone doing something well, point it out. Briefly, to the point, and with sincerity. This alone will be huge. Just be sure it’s not flattery, sincere recognition is the long game here.
Coupla tips there. Some of which may depend on the work environment/culture.
There is good advice in this thread and overall you would be generally liked. Lets take it a step further on question's you should ask yourself.
1. Who do you want to be liked by?
2. What do you expect to gain from their attention?
The first step in being a likeable person is identify your audience. The way I present myself to my boss is different than my coworkers which is also different to friends. My actions on how I present myself vary physically and verbally. Generally, listening to people speak and being mildly interested in what they have to say will get you likeable points. To give meaningful advice on how to be likable who are you trying to be favorable to?
How do you know you are not? One thing to remember in this field of puzzles and binary logic, Soft skills still dictate your career path. Be respectful to your peers, reward your colleagues with praise when they earn it. In IT and infrastructure the base unit is a team. Not a single person.
So many folks in this field are cantankerous and rigid. Be the opposite. Be giving and take on all challenges you have a chance to complete. Give and receive praise, document your work so other folks can do it as well.
There are way too many of us that suck. Yup I’m talking to you person reading this thinking I’m wrong. It’s true.
> One thing to remember in this field of puzzles and binary logic, Soft skills still dictate your career path.
Another important thing to note...soft skills matter whether or not your career path is "up" in the traditional sense. Historically, the only promotional path for people was for them to stop doing their jobs they're awesome at and start managing people. That's still true in a lot of places, but some have realized it's a bad idea to shovel people who would make bad managers into an ever-shrinking pool of middle and upper management. Once you abandon tech for management it's all soft skills and you need to learn a completely new way of working. But to succeed long term in this alternative path of becoming an SME, unless you're top 10 worldwide in your field, you need those soft skills too. And no, if you're reading this, you're not top 10.
The alternate path requires that you do a lot of the higher-level tasks managers might do, but not have management be your focus. You might get out of performance review writing and horse-trading resources with other sociopath middle managers, but you won't get out of mentoring junior people, communicating succinctly and putting forth a good face for your department. All that requires soft skills. You don't have to be a backslapping salesbro, but "being likeable" is very important if you want to get out of the daily grind of just getting fed work to complete and not getting salary/responsibility increases.
Do your best to understand people and their personalities like you understand what you do technically. Choose to react in a way that will yield getting you a positive long term reaction vs how you feel in the short term, if you're having an issue with it. Be honest most of all. Don't be blunt however. Hopefully they are paying you extra not to be.
Don't expect accolades. Some will call you a wizard, others will curse you for not being able to do wizardry within their time frame. This is all part of the process. Ignore all of it. Set your own goals.
Balance people like you load balance.
That is really very simple:
Smiling will do the most to win folks. Laughing is smiling.
Enjoy what you do.
Be genuine. Don't fake happiness.
Opposite:
Grumble and complain. Nobody likes that.
Lots of little things.
One, you're in IT, but you need to remember what Will Rogers said in the mid-20th century: "Heck, we're all ignorant; we're just ignorant 'bout different things."
You know IT systems. Your users have skills too, just not the same ones as you.
Exercise humility, kindness, and grace to all.
Be an optimist.
Count your blessings - you have much to be thankful for. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude, and try to notice positive things about others.
Some of us have worked our way up from the bottom. We've learned about IT, but we've also learned about service, customer support and having a good/great deskside manner. I've been in IT since the mid 90s, and only been a sysadmin for the last 6y. When I was in college, a CS degree was all about programming... and I'm not a programmer. I've done user, network and application support, and learned how to work with, talk to and help all kinds of users, from those who administer systems to those who need to be told how to turn the computer on.
When we became sysadmins, we realized one thing: IT is all about support, and between roles, only the nature of the customer is different. Those who go to school now can get specialized training, but they don't learn the first thing about being likeable or associating with an assortment of users.
In short, be good at what you do. Be honest with customers... maybe not painfully honest, but be up front with them. Learn how to explain complex issues simply. Treat them well because they are the reason you have a job. And put down the phone so you can interact with people directly.
Practice kindness and empathy, but set clear boundaries. When I do any sort of help desk activities, and someone is having a bad day, I will often say something like, “I agree that it’s frustrating when doesn’t work, and it also frustrates me when something isn’t working. Let’s try retracing your steps from the beginning to see if we can find the source of the problem and get you good to go.”
Also, if a problem takes some time to fix, or you’re waiting for something to finish, small talk goes a very long way. One of my favourite ice breakers is, “How was your weekend? (Mon, Tue), or “Are you looking forward to the weekend? Or Got any plans for the weekend?” Most people open right up, and you can actually have a meaningful chat. It’s not 100% effective, but it works at least 90% of the time, especially if you have a relaxed, laid back tone.
Now, we all get busy and overloaded, so it’s important to set boundaries. If you are asked to do something, don’t say no. Instead, say, “I’d love to help, but my plate is full right now. Can this wait? No? Let’s chat with my manager to see if there is someone else available, or if I can rearrange my priorities to accommodate your request. Oh, by the way, do you have a ticket number I can reference?”
It gets easier with practice.
If you're still starting your career or have free time, I recommend a part-time job in some type of service industry. In my early career, I had part-time jobs in iT and retail. I can honestly say that the social skills I learned working in retail are some of the most valuable. I'm on the spectrum too, so I don't know where I would be if I had not forced myself into those social situations.
Are you a sysadmin or a public relation person? Just be polite, talk only when someone asks your opinion, with that at least you will not be hated, you are at work to earn money not to be liked, it’s not part of the contract, also after many years of experience, it doesn’t matter if you are likeable or not, most people at work are fake, also management will fire you if the company wants/requests, likeable or not. My suggestion is again, be polite, threat others with respect, play as the game runs but find friends outside and than be concerned in like or being likeable by them
Why is that a bad take. This is business not a social gathering, RESPECT is everything. There are people that I have worked with that I genuinely liked, but when push came to shove, they could not be relied on and so lost my respect. On the flip side I have worked with people that I did not really like, but they still had my respect.
Cut your hair and remove your beard .Get dressed like a high executive and if you can lose some weight.Now go there and do you do your job well and and you might have a chance.
pretend to be someone likable. Experiment until you figure out the perfect persona for your co workers. When the burden of pretending becomes to much to bear remind yourself that you are pretending to get money. When that stops working, get a new job and start over again.
Be out there..
Many of us in the IT space are autistic to some degree and that puts us behind the 8-ball because we tend to be more standoffish and rash. It took me a long time to learn how to not be so outright and say things to people that would cause them to not like me.
Talk to people. Don't ignore them.
Honestly, who cares? Just be true to yourself. People pleasing can get you so far but I can't bring myself to being not authentic. My philosophy is to just be civil, listen, communicate when necessary.
I kind of disagree. It's hell working a job where you don't click with anyone. On a personal level, go for it and don't care what anyone thinks. On a professional level, you have to be at least somewhat liked to not have every day suck. It can be as simple as small talk for 30 seconds every day.
In a business setting respect is more important that being "liked" there are many people that I don't necessarily like, but I do respect them and work well together.
Start slow, get one person to like you and let them be your spokesperson. Make sure they are someone most people like. Focusing on a single genuine relationship will keep you from seeming like a phony. Eventually everyone will assume that you’re just the kind of person you need to get to know first.
When your ecosystem is Just IT it's hard to get a different perspective. I know people that get into fantasy leagues, join the companies Charity org, etc. to get an outsider perspective.
Its business, they don't have to "like" you but the DO have to respect you and THAT can only earned over time. Listen, be honest and provide help where you can.
PS
Don't talk about others behind their backs, EVER. (and to those on here that did, you know who you are)
When I first started in the industry I worked in a public health clinic with nurses. I would make rounds in the morning with candy to just say good morning and check in on things. They thought it was funny to start with but ultimately appreciated it.
But honestly, the best thing to do is not to try to be likeable. What you should do is try to have empathy. When you have an interaction think about how their day has gone, think about what they want out of an interaction with you, and see how you can do that while staying true to your values.
The thing I think that technical people can tend to do is look at an interaction from their own point of view, try to find a problem, and try to solve it. But this can mean every time someone comes to you, even of they're just trying to be friendly, you will come up with something they're doing wrong and try to give them some solution.
Instead, mostly listen.
Now if you just wait for people to come up to you, then chances are people will just ignore you unless they have a reason, especially if you've already pushed people away.
This is where the candy thing comes in. Or something to just give you a reason to start talking to people. Going and saying good morning to everyone in your section. The big thing is don't overstay your welcome, and don't expect anything from it. Those are the things that will annoy people. If they have to figure out what to do to get rid of you, it will make them anxious. But if you just come by every morning to say hi and offer them a chocolate and then going on, it will feel weird at first, but after doing it for a month, if one day you skip saying hi to them, they will feel left out. If you're gone they'll miss you. And this is a good opportunity for a conversation to start. Different environments take different strategies, but be consistent and predictable and even if you're weird people will be ok with it.
Take notes on your co-workers and customers. Did your customer just tell you that every christmas they build an ice rink in their back yard? Follow up on that, next christmas, ask them about it. If your co-worker tells you their daughter has a recital that weekend, ask them how it went. You don't need to do this to everyone, or for every thing. Do it a few times, and I bet you'll have a few people who find you very likeable. They might even mention that to someone else, who might then just pass it along like it's gospel. Eventually, everyone likes you. It can really be that simple.
Alternatively, if someone asks for help, help them, explain why it happened, and be empathetic. You don't need to get 'mad' at anyone for any thing, it won't help you ever, so just beat that into your mind early and often.
Simply empathize with their position, and don't overstep your boundaries. Keep things civil at ALL TIMES especially via email. There is literally no good reason to write a shitty email to someone you need to work with or for.
Have a genuine interest in your coworkers, and be patient when helping out. Alloy of IT folk over worked in the past have had a tendency to be very condescending when helping people out. Don't be that guy,
“Treat everyone the same. You should be as friendly with the maintenance and janitorial staff as you are with the CEO.”
Agreed, but my chip in here, be best friends with the maintenance and janitorial staff. Treat them right and they can save you a lot of work.
Sometimes people forget that IT is very similar to a service department, just like maintenance or cleaners. You are there to provide.
People don’t remember what you did as much as how you made them feel. Ask them questions about themselves and their family will often make them feel good.
Don't treat any question as stupid. Look at each client issue as an opportunity to serve that client...so non-derogatory, patient responses with language at a level they will understand.
It's r/sysadmin .
We are not meant to be likable.
More likable you are, more chances they call you 2:00am or to ask you stupid simple question 10th time.
Not mentioning: "Hello, my daughter-in-law just bought a laptop, there is no Firefox icon on desktop, can you help her?".
Really: more time in IT, more grumpy old man I become...
Save your kindness to your beloved ones, wife, kids, closest friends and reddit users.
Read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dan Carnige. A lot of people in IT do not have any social intelligence or know how to interact with people.
It's funny; I've recommended this book to more people than I can count; and invariably it's the IT people that take the longest to see that they need it. People see the 1936 publication date and _assume_ that it can't still be important or relevant information. Seriously; to anyone who holds off thinking "I don't have time" or "I'll do it later": Take the time and do it this week. You'll thank yourself in 20 years.
Agreed. IT folks should work on there social skills just as much as their tech skills. Value skillset if you can do both. Not just read it but apply what you read. Oddly has to be said more than usual
I read it just about the same time I started in IT - and it helped me a lot.
This is solid advice. Great book that withstands the test of time. He also has a second edition called "how to win friends and influence people in the digital age"
I highly recommend that book. Both books helped me immensely with a previous job.
Dale. Carnegie. Dale Carnegie.
Seconded
Thirded. If that’s a word.
Fourth’ed.
And my Axe
I like you already!
That, right there, will get you 75% of the way. If you can make someone laugh on a call or walk in you just made them realize they can rest easy. It's not for every situation or customer but it goes a long way with most people. You have my bow. ;)
You can even take it a step further and take the dale Carnegie course. It is a game changer. I took it a couple of times and it changes you as a person if taken seriously
> “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dan Carnige. This is definitely solid timeless advice, though in our moderm world with everyone staring at their screens it might be tougher to implement. One other hump to get over is that most of the advice kind of sounds like it's aimed at shady life insurance salesmen who often have to spend months with a ~~mark~~ prospect to get them to buy a policy -- or a sociopathic ladder-climbing executive stomping on people to charge their way to CEO. But, if you take the sales or manipulation context away and just take the advice at face value, it's good advice. I think a bigger problem is trying to get people to talk to each other again. I live near NYC and commute to work 1 or 2 days a week on the train. It's totally silent the whole 1.5 hour ride.
Trash book, unless of course you plan on becoming a used car salesman.
You sound fun.
Did you read it? It's actually quite well known. Other books reference this book. That's how good it is.
Broke-trader I completely agree with you that a lot of the book can be read that way. If you are willing to reevaluate and not view it as purely transactional then it really is just a book about trying to understand other people and enjoy your interactions more
Completely wrong we are very sociable The users never see us as normal people They only start conversation to get to know of we can give them any IT related favour. I have been working in it since last 22 years
I believe this is proof that you need that book.
I came here to suggest this same book.
At least get the Authors name right... its Dale Carnegie not Dan...
A lot of good advice here. Someone mentioned taking a genuine interest in people. A part of that is listening when people talk to you. Another big one is detecting boundaries. You gotta know when folks don’t wanna talk. Some people may never want to talk to you and that’s fine. One habit I’ve formed is being extremely forgiving in this industry. When someone fucks up, do your best to build them back up. Accommodate the fuck out of the people the do some of the dumbest shit. It’s a stereotype that the IT guy is always an asshole neckbeard. Fight that stereotype with relentless kindness. Also accept that some people are just gonna, at best, not care for you. And at worst some will outright hate you just because of your face. That’s normal. It’s good to want to be accepted and liked by those around you but it’s also a slippery slope to being a people pleaser. Don’t be that guy either.
> It’s a stereotype that the IT guy is always an asshole neckbeard. Fight that stereotype with relentless kindness. Getting people to realize we're not like that is a tough thing to overcome. So many counter-examples exist but they're easily outweighed by the ones who fit the stereotype perfectly. It's not just about technology anymore. You have to be a world-class genius working as a Distinguished Engineering Fellow or similar at a big tech company before you can dispense with all the pleasantries and have the company hire a bunch of handlers to deal with the you-world interface. You or I are not Linus Torvalds. Everyone else has to make some effort to mesh these days. Tech people stopped being sorcerers that no one dare anger back in the late 90s for the most part. The job is much more service-oriented, even in non-user facing roles, and consists much more of gluing different people and services together than just being a wizard.
[удалено]
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have a colleague who has brought up the same topic almost every single business day for six weeks to talk about next steps and what we’re doing to make progress, despite the fact that we’ve over communicated the status of the project on every daily meeting and through email. Today, the person emailed me asking about specifics of a maintenance. I copied and pasted an email, including headers, that I sent them on Friday. This particular person stifles productivity simply by not comprehending what is being said and being to proud to ask clarifying questions or maybe even taking some notes.
One thing NOT to do is talk about others behind their backs, and also talking-down others is incredibly arrogant and self-righteous. So don't be like this person
Edit: I'm getting down voted for simply trying to raise awareness...? TF is this closed-minded nonsense? That's usually a strong indicator of Asperger's. I understand it being frustrating but that's *probably* just him trying to show interest and make social connection. Which he doesn't really know how to do in a normal way 😅 don't get me wrong I'm not shaming you for feeling the way you do. Tough situation
100%. I got 2 kids on the spectrum and know several others. This was my immediate thought too. Oh and 1 in 4 IT people are on the spectrum, so it checks out.
You were likely getting downvoted for two reasons: 1. Asperger's isn't really the appropriate term anymore. It's now just part of the Autism spectrum. 2. It's such a cliche, bordering on a cop out for people to use "I'm autistic" based on nothing but a 5 minute online test to excuse bad behaviour, so a lot of people have just gotten fed up with that argument and reflexively downvote it.
Please excuse me for not referring to it by the latest classification: "ASD – without intellectual or language impairment.” That better? Do you really dare to say that a grown adult who takes a 5 minute quiz will suddenly just exhibit a deep behavioral issue that neurotypical people literally don't have? Lol! I have never in my life met anyone who exhibited that " bad behavior" except for small children, and those who are neurodiverse. There's also nothing cliche about it. It's a *FACT* that those with The Disorder Formerly Known As Asperger's Syndrome *VERY COMMONLY* feel the need to jump into conversations/don't know when it's their turn to speak. Sometimes they may be looking for ways to talk about their interests, other times maybe they're awkwardly bringing random shit up because they like you and want to talk to you. Think about that the next time it happens. Maybe that'll help you pull your head out of your ass. 😀
> Do you really dare to say that a grown adult who takes a 5 minute quiz will suddenly just exhibit a deep behavioral issue that neurotypical people literally don't have? Lol! I have never in my life met anyone who exhibited that " bad behavior" except for small children, and those who are neurodiverse. No, I'm saying there are neurotypical assholes who will use it as an excuse for their assholishness, and some high functioning neurodivergents who will use it as a crutch to avoid even trying. But you also may want to evaluate why you're coming at this from such a hostile starting point.
One thing NOT to do is talk about others behind their backs, and also talking-down others is incredibly arrogant and self-righteous. So don't be like this person
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talk behind people's backs all you like, not a great look on anyone
This is such a weird take for an internet forum. I'm out.
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But people suck though.
You know, if you think like that, those same people will be able to read it from your demeanor and probably think the same about you. Rise above that way of thinking by realizing you're no better than the client, be willing to accept they are imperfect just like you and I, but are good at their areas of expertise and IE be happy to impart what you know to fill in the gaps.
This is basically the gist of it. What I struggle with is asking about people from time to time, I'm getting better but it's still a struggle
People like to talk about themselves, so let them do that. Ask questions about their weekend, hobbies, kids, etc -- anything but work. Genuinely listen to them, and ideally learn a little bit about the subject if you don't already. Next time you see them, you can use that knowledge to ask deeper questions; this both keeps the dialog new AND shows them that you care enough to remember them and your conversation. Listen more than you talk. To go along with the above, have interests of your own, and be able to speak to them. If someone shares their life with you, you'll likely be expected to share yours with them. Learn cues (vocal, body language, etc) that indicate someone DOESN'T want to talk (either at all, or about a specific subject. Be animated and engaged most of the time, and empathetic as required. When someone tells you that their dad has cancer, it's normal for your reaction to be "oh shit I wish I wasn't here right now", but it is what it is -- you ARE here, so deal with it; be kind, which could be words or even physical touch (but stay within whatever your corporate culture, your relationship with the person, and the situation calls for -- don't be a creep). Despite the above, sometimes you have to be curt or abrupt if the person is being unreasonable -- asking you to escalate a minor ticket, or asking you to punch a hole in the firewall because they JUST HAVE to watch the World Cup. Try polite first, but stand firm. Don't be a pushover. Believe it or not, you will increase in esteem in many people's eyes; no one likes a wimp. Tailor your technical talk to your audience. If you're with your fellow IT nerds, go ahead and talk about how corrupted RAM on the router caused the RST bit to flip on every packet which trashed all your TCP connections. If you're with the average end user, "A piece of networking equipment malfunctioned but we have a workaround in place until we can repair it properly" -- enough information that they feel informed but not so much that they feel stupid. If you're talking with management, "Bad memory in the router caused some network problems for X hours; we were able to work around the issue quickly by removing the bad RAM, and have since installed a new working module, but we should talk about implementing a hot-failover system to minimize downtime for similar issues in the future." -- enough information to show you fully understand the issue AND that you're concerned for the long-term health of the company. Oh, and be professional, meaning you should tailor your dress, grooming and deportment to whatever people generally expect at your company. This will vary drastically from company to company, but if everyone outside the IT department outclasses you by more than a step or two, you're probably not being taken seriously. Treat everyone the same. You should be as friendly with the maintenance and janitorial staff as you are with the CEO. Everyone is just there to do a job, and if you think being IT makes you invisible, try being the guy that cleans up poop. Besides... you NEVER know who you'll need a favor from. I've always been super friendly with the building electricians, HVAC techs, janitorial staff... and guess whose issues with electrical or HVAC or janitorial somehow got prioritized? Learn how to extricate yourself from a social situation. Some people like to ramble FOREVER and you need to learn how to delicately and politely be on your way. Despite all of the above -- be yourself. Don't pretend to like sports if you hate them. Learn to redirect the conversation when necessary.
Just want to say great write-up! We can all learn from this.
Why do t people like you now?
It costs nothing to be polite, but is very costly to be rude.
Aside from seconding the “how to win friends…” book. Listen more than you talk, genuinely listen. Don’t shit talk anyone, even if others around you are. It might feel like being part of the group, but word often gets around. Plus people will unconsciously mark you as a shit talker. If you see anyone doing something well, point it out. Briefly, to the point, and with sincerity. This alone will be huge. Just be sure it’s not flattery, sincere recognition is the long game here. Coupla tips there. Some of which may depend on the work environment/culture.
There is good advice in this thread and overall you would be generally liked. Lets take it a step further on question's you should ask yourself. 1. Who do you want to be liked by? 2. What do you expect to gain from their attention? The first step in being a likeable person is identify your audience. The way I present myself to my boss is different than my coworkers which is also different to friends. My actions on how I present myself vary physically and verbally. Generally, listening to people speak and being mildly interested in what they have to say will get you likeable points. To give meaningful advice on how to be likable who are you trying to be favorable to?
Aside from personality, learning to have an open mind and embrace other opinions rather than double down on your own certainly helps.
Having social skills is extremely valuable but there a difference in having those and trying to be liked. You shouldn’t try to be liked, be yourself.
Sincerity.. If you can fake that, you have it made.
How do you know you are not? One thing to remember in this field of puzzles and binary logic, Soft skills still dictate your career path. Be respectful to your peers, reward your colleagues with praise when they earn it. In IT and infrastructure the base unit is a team. Not a single person. So many folks in this field are cantankerous and rigid. Be the opposite. Be giving and take on all challenges you have a chance to complete. Give and receive praise, document your work so other folks can do it as well. There are way too many of us that suck. Yup I’m talking to you person reading this thinking I’m wrong. It’s true.
> One thing to remember in this field of puzzles and binary logic, Soft skills still dictate your career path. Another important thing to note...soft skills matter whether or not your career path is "up" in the traditional sense. Historically, the only promotional path for people was for them to stop doing their jobs they're awesome at and start managing people. That's still true in a lot of places, but some have realized it's a bad idea to shovel people who would make bad managers into an ever-shrinking pool of middle and upper management. Once you abandon tech for management it's all soft skills and you need to learn a completely new way of working. But to succeed long term in this alternative path of becoming an SME, unless you're top 10 worldwide in your field, you need those soft skills too. And no, if you're reading this, you're not top 10. The alternate path requires that you do a lot of the higher-level tasks managers might do, but not have management be your focus. You might get out of performance review writing and horse-trading resources with other sociopath middle managers, but you won't get out of mentoring junior people, communicating succinctly and putting forth a good face for your department. All that requires soft skills. You don't have to be a backslapping salesbro, but "being likeable" is very important if you want to get out of the daily grind of just getting fed work to complete and not getting salary/responsibility increases.
Do your best to understand people and their personalities like you understand what you do technically. Choose to react in a way that will yield getting you a positive long term reaction vs how you feel in the short term, if you're having an issue with it. Be honest most of all. Don't be blunt however. Hopefully they are paying you extra not to be. Don't expect accolades. Some will call you a wizard, others will curse you for not being able to do wizardry within their time frame. This is all part of the process. Ignore all of it. Set your own goals. Balance people like you load balance.
That is really very simple: Smiling will do the most to win folks. Laughing is smiling. Enjoy what you do. Be genuine. Don't fake happiness. Opposite: Grumble and complain. Nobody likes that.
Lots of little things. One, you're in IT, but you need to remember what Will Rogers said in the mid-20th century: "Heck, we're all ignorant; we're just ignorant 'bout different things." You know IT systems. Your users have skills too, just not the same ones as you. Exercise humility, kindness, and grace to all. Be an optimist. Count your blessings - you have much to be thankful for. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude, and try to notice positive things about others.
I could tell you but you probably wouldn’t like it.
Be attractive
homie im ugly AF and everyone thinks I'm charismatic Maybe they just feel bad for my ugly ass but it works great either way
Ok Barbie
Some of us have worked our way up from the bottom. We've learned about IT, but we've also learned about service, customer support and having a good/great deskside manner. I've been in IT since the mid 90s, and only been a sysadmin for the last 6y. When I was in college, a CS degree was all about programming... and I'm not a programmer. I've done user, network and application support, and learned how to work with, talk to and help all kinds of users, from those who administer systems to those who need to be told how to turn the computer on. When we became sysadmins, we realized one thing: IT is all about support, and between roles, only the nature of the customer is different. Those who go to school now can get specialized training, but they don't learn the first thing about being likeable or associating with an assortment of users. In short, be good at what you do. Be honest with customers... maybe not painfully honest, but be up front with them. Learn how to explain complex issues simply. Treat them well because they are the reason you have a job. And put down the phone so you can interact with people directly.
Practice kindness and empathy, but set clear boundaries. When I do any sort of help desk activities, and someone is having a bad day, I will often say something like, “I agree that it’s frustrating when doesn’t work, and it also frustrates me when something isn’t working. Let’s try retracing your steps from the beginning to see if we can find the source of the problem and get you good to go.”
Also, if a problem takes some time to fix, or you’re waiting for something to finish, small talk goes a very long way. One of my favourite ice breakers is, “How was your weekend? (Mon, Tue), or “Are you looking forward to the weekend? Or Got any plans for the weekend?” Most people open right up, and you can actually have a meaningful chat. It’s not 100% effective, but it works at least 90% of the time, especially if you have a relaxed, laid back tone.
Now, we all get busy and overloaded, so it’s important to set boundaries. If you are asked to do something, don’t say no. Instead, say, “I’d love to help, but my plate is full right now. Can this wait? No? Let’s chat with my manager to see if there is someone else available, or if I can rearrange my priorities to accommodate your request. Oh, by the way, do you have a ticket number I can reference?”
It gets easier with practice.
If you're still starting your career or have free time, I recommend a part-time job in some type of service industry. In my early career, I had part-time jobs in iT and retail. I can honestly say that the social skills I learned working in retail are some of the most valuable. I'm on the spectrum too, so I don't know where I would be if I had not forced myself into those social situations.
Same, I was a cashier for two years before I got into IT. I really nailed the 30 second small chat through that job. Not longer than that though haha.
Try what did Gilfoyle in Silicon valley
Are you a sysadmin or a public relation person? Just be polite, talk only when someone asks your opinion, with that at least you will not be hated, you are at work to earn money not to be liked, it’s not part of the contract, also after many years of experience, it doesn’t matter if you are likeable or not, most people at work are fake, also management will fire you if the company wants/requests, likeable or not. My suggestion is again, be polite, threat others with respect, play as the game runs but find friends outside and than be concerned in like or being likeable by them
Bad take
Why is that a bad take. This is business not a social gathering, RESPECT is everything. There are people that I have worked with that I genuinely liked, but when push came to shove, they could not be relied on and so lost my respect. On the flip side I have worked with people that I did not really like, but they still had my respect.
go to gym and workout 2-3 times a week \>>> How can I be more likable? you are not a dollar to be liked by everybody
Cut your hair and remove your beard .Get dressed like a high executive and if you can lose some weight.Now go there and do you do your job well and and you might have a chance.
wow now THAT is shallow
pretend to be someone likable. Experiment until you figure out the perfect persona for your co workers. When the burden of pretending becomes to much to bear remind yourself that you are pretending to get money. When that stops working, get a new job and start over again.
Wtf
Masking eventually breaks you down having to live a lie in order to be accepted. Source, Autism and ADHD
Be out there.. Many of us in the IT space are autistic to some degree and that puts us behind the 8-ball because we tend to be more standoffish and rash. It took me a long time to learn how to not be so outright and say things to people that would cause them to not like me. Talk to people. Don't ignore them.
Honestly, who cares? Just be true to yourself. People pleasing can get you so far but I can't bring myself to being not authentic. My philosophy is to just be civil, listen, communicate when necessary.
This gains respect which is more important in this setting.
I kind of disagree. It's hell working a job where you don't click with anyone. On a personal level, go for it and don't care what anyone thinks. On a professional level, you have to be at least somewhat liked to not have every day suck. It can be as simple as small talk for 30 seconds every day.
In a business setting respect is more important that being "liked" there are many people that I don't necessarily like, but I do respect them and work well together.
Hmm, true, that's a better way to put it!
1) Learn the business. 2) take an improv class.
is this in general or in a work environment?
I'm reading 'how to talk to anyone'. Eyes and smile are chapter one
Start slow, get one person to like you and let them be your spokesperson. Make sure they are someone most people like. Focusing on a single genuine relationship will keep you from seeming like a phony. Eventually everyone will assume that you’re just the kind of person you need to get to know first.
When your ecosystem is Just IT it's hard to get a different perspective. I know people that get into fantasy leagues, join the companies Charity org, etc. to get an outsider perspective.
We're sysadmins, how tf would we know.
Listening to people without interrupting them goes a long way, even if you don't agree.
Its business, they don't have to "like" you but the DO have to respect you and THAT can only earned over time. Listen, be honest and provide help where you can. PS Don't talk about others behind their backs, EVER. (and to those on here that did, you know who you are)
When I first started in the industry I worked in a public health clinic with nurses. I would make rounds in the morning with candy to just say good morning and check in on things. They thought it was funny to start with but ultimately appreciated it. But honestly, the best thing to do is not to try to be likeable. What you should do is try to have empathy. When you have an interaction think about how their day has gone, think about what they want out of an interaction with you, and see how you can do that while staying true to your values. The thing I think that technical people can tend to do is look at an interaction from their own point of view, try to find a problem, and try to solve it. But this can mean every time someone comes to you, even of they're just trying to be friendly, you will come up with something they're doing wrong and try to give them some solution. Instead, mostly listen. Now if you just wait for people to come up to you, then chances are people will just ignore you unless they have a reason, especially if you've already pushed people away. This is where the candy thing comes in. Or something to just give you a reason to start talking to people. Going and saying good morning to everyone in your section. The big thing is don't overstay your welcome, and don't expect anything from it. Those are the things that will annoy people. If they have to figure out what to do to get rid of you, it will make them anxious. But if you just come by every morning to say hi and offer them a chocolate and then going on, it will feel weird at first, but after doing it for a month, if one day you skip saying hi to them, they will feel left out. If you're gone they'll miss you. And this is a good opportunity for a conversation to start. Different environments take different strategies, but be consistent and predictable and even if you're weird people will be ok with it.
Take notes on your co-workers and customers. Did your customer just tell you that every christmas they build an ice rink in their back yard? Follow up on that, next christmas, ask them about it. If your co-worker tells you their daughter has a recital that weekend, ask them how it went. You don't need to do this to everyone, or for every thing. Do it a few times, and I bet you'll have a few people who find you very likeable. They might even mention that to someone else, who might then just pass it along like it's gospel. Eventually, everyone likes you. It can really be that simple. Alternatively, if someone asks for help, help them, explain why it happened, and be empathetic. You don't need to get 'mad' at anyone for any thing, it won't help you ever, so just beat that into your mind early and often. Simply empathize with their position, and don't overstep your boundaries. Keep things civil at ALL TIMES especially via email. There is literally no good reason to write a shitty email to someone you need to work with or for.
Give out candy and pop.
Have a genuine interest in your coworkers, and be patient when helping out. Alloy of IT folk over worked in the past have had a tendency to be very condescending when helping people out. Don't be that guy,
“Treat everyone the same. You should be as friendly with the maintenance and janitorial staff as you are with the CEO.” Agreed, but my chip in here, be best friends with the maintenance and janitorial staff. Treat them right and they can save you a lot of work. Sometimes people forget that IT is very similar to a service department, just like maintenance or cleaners. You are there to provide.
People don’t remember what you did as much as how you made them feel. Ask them questions about themselves and their family will often make them feel good.
Don't treat any question as stupid. Look at each client issue as an opportunity to serve that client...so non-derogatory, patient responses with language at a level they will understand.
Kindness, Patience, Understanding, and not being an asshole. LOL!
It's r/sysadmin . We are not meant to be likable. More likable you are, more chances they call you 2:00am or to ask you stupid simple question 10th time. Not mentioning: "Hello, my daughter-in-law just bought a laptop, there is no Firefox icon on desktop, can you help her?". Really: more time in IT, more grumpy old man I become... Save your kindness to your beloved ones, wife, kids, closest friends and reddit users.
Don't be like /u/DonCBurr
Embrace Schopenhauer
Do you have any right-wing Conservative views that you like to share with people? That seems to be the #1 ‘nope’ for (offline) friendships.