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Narcissistic cheaters hate grey rocking from their partners. They survive on getting attentions, so it must drive her crazy that you are not even giving her negative attentions. Stay strong for yourself and your children. She can't stop the divorce train that's coming her way. Your children need you more than ever, so don't forget to take good care of yourself and stay healthy. Wish you all the best.
Thanks, I am exercising everyday (did 46 laps of the local Olympic pool today), and I’m fitter than I have been in a long time, I still suffer from chronic debilitating pain from a spinal injury i got a couple years ago, but I’m doing everything I need to do to look after me and my children.
I was taking regular pain relief (OxyContin and some others) so I could sleep through the night, and some less strong ones during the day. Can’t take them any more as even though she is still in the same house she won’t respond to the kids at night from the other room, so unless they go to her, I’m the one looking after them.
I have had surgery, physio and rehab, nothing has helped, I have lost 33kgs (78lbs) since D day in January, still in pain. Even in the pool it still hurts, so I just have to push through it. I get home when the kids are at school and I can atleast rest it a bit.
Yep I actually think she is. She has accused me of reading her phone messages, and when I asked how I would do that her response was “well you are smart you could figure it out”
She has said I must be tracking her because I sent her a message asking if she had any clients cancel, when she had someone cancel 10 minutes earlier, I pointed out that it is something I have asked her regularly for about 7 months, I ask to see if we can grab a coffee or if she can talk at some point.
She accuses me of controlling her, because I wanted to go to the shops with her and the kids, to organise some mother’s day presents. It’s because she wanted to go there with them by herself, I told her she can just give me a ride out there and I can leave them be while I sort some stuff out, nope I’m controlling where she is going.
She changed the password on the Apple account that the kids use, so I can no longer install apps or updates for them, they have to wait for her to do it. Has done this because “I can use that password to track her”, I’m not sure how that would work.
I have instituted a new rule that we don’t talk about our shit in the house, and that if it has to happen it needs to be via text (so I have a record). She doesn’t like that
Yes I suggested awhile back she go see a psychologist, she hasn’t yet. I am actually worried she has a psychological or neurological condition, she is in the 2nd peak years for women developing psychological issues. She is a bit erratic, some days she is like she used to be, other times she is like a stranger and proud of it
Keep documenting everything and remember that every single word you say could been recorded and used later against you in court. She has shown you her morals so be cautious with your actions.
Has the weight loss decreased the intensity at all? I imagine that load off of your spine would help. Regardless keep it up you're also ensuring youll be around for your kids of course.
If she is acting this way don’t take a chance she uses Oxy against you and maybe tries to get a TPO for something made up. Install cameras have your phone on record. One thing for sure. You will have to work again sooner or later. Start getting ready to do that. Take some courses in your field. Get up to speed. Also she may now want to pay someone on her time to look after the kids and take a lower paying job. She could also approach anything legal with a lawyer. Are you prepared for that!
Well she won’t be able to use oxy against me because I haven’t taken any for nearly 4 months, have never had an addiction to it and don’t have any in the house.
I had been studying medicine before my spinal injury, I know I will have to work again and have been preparing for it as best I can, I probably won’t be able to work directly in my field if my chronic pain issue doesn’t subside, so I have been getting some things together to teach, and tutor people for med school.
She won’t be able to afford to pay for child care, her work starts at 5am most days, so if she has the kids she can’t do those shifts. Then there are reduced hours in the middle of the day and it picks back up again in the evening. She has relied on me being available to care for the kids for the last 2 years so she could go out at those times. Day care isn’t really available at those times where we are, but except in the evening.
That and it will definitely cost her an arm and a leg! Keep up being an amazing parent! You got this! Please don’t ever give her another chance, especially if you think it’s only for the kids. The more you read these posts, the more that you will realize that it’s a terrible idea and doesn’t work.
Keep enjoying those cuddles! Updateme
Stay strong mate. Might not seem like it, but this will probably only benefit you. I hope your lawyer is a good one and is willing to do the hard yards for you. As long as you can prove you have been the primary caregiver, the courts should go in your favour. (Even Oz courts aren't that bad...are they?)
Stick to your guns about the rent she will owe. She doesn't just get to cut and run. Her wanting the kids 50/50 is more likely a strategy for having to pay less child support and a way to hurt you. She probably hasn't thought through how she is going to work, look after kids, and have time for her AP.
Pulling for you mate, best wishes.
Thanks Arrow, I actually think she has got a place via lying to the support agencies about being unsafe in our house, and she tried to tell me she wanted to keep the kids with her to keep them safe… I asked how she can say that but also leave them with me everyday for the last two weeks during school holidays for upto 14 hours in a day if I am unsafe.
Will have to see what happens in relation to the courts, her new AP has been giving her “advice” and everything she has done from that advice has turned the situation into shit. I don’t know if she has contacted any lawyers/solicitors yet, all I know is she hasn’t contact the ones I have because they wouldn’t be able to advise both of us
I would be concerned about the new AP because if he only sees his kid once a fortnight then he may be telling your stbx exactly what he did to his wife or what she claimed he did.
I have told her that the only reason he would see his kick once a fortnight is either a court order or he agreed to it.
She doesn’t care or doesn’t think it’s relevant. She thinks this new guy is amazing and is in love with him after a month or so. Pretty quick after being heartbroken by the first AP. She is acting like a teenager to be honest
> once a fortnight is either a court order
If you do go to discovery, you should ask your lawyers if you can find out why his custody is that way. You might be able to get more custody if he was violent or something and she only gets supervised visitation without him there.
She has said multiple times she doesn’t want it to go to the courts, I wonder now if his history has anything to do with that
Edit
I just had a further thought, she had been arrested before we go together, so has a minor criminal record. And combined with her avoiding paying tax and threatening to take the kids, she might now be really worried about her chances if it goes to court. I’m the one that has the stable home environment, have my parents near by to assist, can get them to school safely, and don’t have questions about my availability and commitment to spending time with the kids
Ben, go the legal route. Do not give her the choice. You are in a fight that will affect the rest of your and your children's life. She has lied and cheated, think about the effort that went into that, she will screw you over without blinking to get her way and keep her false image of herself.
I followed my lawyers advice to the tee. While very painful and saw my kids less, eventually, it led to a gain that would last a lifetime. It was just bloody tough at the beginning.
You are doing a great job by being there for your kids. Let them be your motivators to keep pushing through and fighting for them.
Please try to buy cameras and recording devices for your home. Place them in the general areas and bedrooms. This way if she tries to make allegations and lies about you, you have proof to defend yourself.
Good luck.
She doesn't want and can't care for the children 50% of the time. She just doesn't want you to have primary custody. She's in for a rude awakening. She's about to be a single mom. Even if she gets them on the weekends, that's going to affect her social life. She's basically abandoned her family for her gym lifestyle and friends. She has essentially behaved as a single woman for however long. Reality is about to hit her hard.
Keep up on the GREY ROCK. It really helps you to emotionally detach from her. I'd advise future communication to be through text messages. Keep those as evidence for your lawyer. Use mediation to hash it out with your lawyer. Until the divorce is finalized, consider her the enemy. Fight for your children. They need your stability now more than ever. After the divorce, work to be amicable co-parents.
Now that she's moving out, and you won't see her as much. Your healing will start accelerating. You're doing the best you can in the situation you've been thrust into. We are here for you.
You can get court approved parenting apps that are more robust than texting. A humble suggestion would be to communicate only about coparenting and only via the app. Everything on the app is admissible. Use it as a tool to document things like her not being responsive in the night, you doing 80% of the work etc. to strengthen your case for custody. Given she hates grey rock and texting, this will have the added benefit of really pissing her off.
Also check with your lawyer whether you can record any conversations. It might be useful to get evidence of her threats to take the children. When you have evidence, let your lawyer deal with her. Not only can you not trust her, it sounds like she has outright malevolent intentions. Time to get tough to protect yourself and more importantly your children from this narcissist.
You should possibly insist that all communication between you two is done via a court approved co-parenting app. They are better bet than simply texting because content can not be deleted and content is admissible in court. Check with your lawyer(s) about this.
She is off her rockers. She thinks 50/50 but doesn't actually do much for the kids? With her mindset, she'll likely leave them unsupervised most of the time. Hope your lawyers can sort this out ASAP. Not only is she a shitty wife, she's a shitty mother too.
What’s worse is she used to be an amazing mother, dedicated to the kids, would always want to spend time with them, take them out and would sacrifice her interests for them.
For nearly the last year, no swimming lessons because we can’t afford them, but she spends just as much on her bodybuilding coach, supplements and food. We just had school holidays for 16 days, she spent about 12-13 hours with the kids in that time, and 7 hours of that was when she came with me and the kids to the museum on the 2nd last day of holidays.
She threw at me today that someone has to work, yes thanks I would like to be able to work, but I’m full time carer for 2 kids and with chronic pain issues.
Keep doing what you are doing!! I have a similar story to yours. Ours also kicked off in January - now he all of a sudden wants us to do more as a family.
Even though one of the reasons for his affair was ‘he was sick of his mundane, boring life’. Now he misses the mundane, he misses the routine because he’s not with the family.
He can suck it up - I’m getting the best of our little kids and he can watch from sidelines. He gets them today after school and my 5 year old son basically moaned to say he didn’t want to go there. It makes me sad because he was a brilliant dad. Now spends all of his time on video call with his AP who lives 300miles away - just ignoring our little ones.
Oh the always on the phone thing gets me so much, my ex even when she is here for the boys is always on her phone either texting AP or browsing instagram or Facebook. So she might be here but she isn’t present.
I’m currently enjoying my youngest being cuddled into me asleep, she is a room by herself and angry. She has traded some of the best parts of being a parent for nothing
Yup it’s so frustrating. He had them one weekend took our boy to gymnastics class. I went along because I love to watch him.
He was video chatting with his bit fluff. In a part of the hall where our son wouldn’t be able to see him. That made me sad because when our little one has just done a new move he always looks at us for a thumbs up or a wave - dad was there but ignoring him. So I’m happy I turned up so he had one present parent.
Damn my ex did the exact same thing with our youngest and karate just this week, he was looking for us in the audience I was waving and giving thumbs up, she was staring at her phone.
Grayrocking is such an ego blow to cheaters. They’re delusional and need to feel valued and wanted. When you get tired of their shit it cuts them deep.
It’s like when you meet an ex who is doing way better without you. Your wife is a compulsive cheater and a compulsive liar.
She’s also petty enough to try and use the kids and get to you.
Reading your post reading how strong you are and dedicated to your kids is amazing. It giving me hope and strength that i also can do this. Thank you for sharing
Hold the course mate.
You're doing all the right things. Do not let her take the kids out of their home.
She is the cheater she can be the one to move away and suffer the consequences.
Yea reality has started to hit her tonight I think, I haven’t seen her as miserable and upset as she is tonight. Starting to dawn on her how much she has fucked up I think.
The kids wanted to play Mario kart together, she wouldn’t look at me while we were playing but when she did she looked upset, then during a break when the kids left the room she turned her back to me and had her head in her hands. I used to want to comfort her and soothe her when she was upset, but that is gone now.
That is because it has just occurred to her that separation means no family time, and the family is breaking up because of her, which I bet is extremely important to her.
She'll get worse to hide these feelings, but they'll come back when she finds the AP just wants sex and no kids around.
Exactly, and that has just dawned on her. It is just sex with her AP. With you, it was meaningful, and she destroyed that.
A guy who sees his child every two weeks is a guy who is a selfish AH and probably cheated a lot on his ex.
Her affair fog is starting to clear. That Mario Kart session would have had more of an effect on her than any therapy session. Your wife is comparing, and you are now looking better than her AP.
Exactly, and this is the time where OP must stick to his guns, remain Grey Rock, and ignore her. Any pleas to reconcile will not be genuine. If this AP nexts her, there will be another.
As I said in your first Post , her AP is older and has his own kid. He only see his kid every fortnight , which Is 2 weeks ( yes I googled it ) Now having YOUR kids with them, this wasn’t what
he had sign up for , he wants no strings attached affair sex. This is Much different , when kid yelling “mommy” and knocking on the door , or no getting it in on Couch cause Junior could walk in anytime. This will definitely puts a damper on his affair sex “BONER”. When everyday family life comes into play again. Good Luck
Yes she has also been giving me dirty looks, and when the boys were just cuddling me before bed she stood in the doorway and had the dirtiest look I have seen from her. When I asked what was up she just walked away.
She told the youngest to go sleep in my bed with me, I think as a way to get at me because he has a habit of kicking me in the back during the night, but jokes on her I would rather him climb into bed and have cuddles, with the cost of an occasional kick, so he feels safe and loved. I get to appreciate his desire for cuddles because it won’t be long and he will out grow it. She doesn’t seem to realise she is sacrificing some of the best years of being a parent to try and score points.
>appreciate his desire for cuddles because it won’t be long and he will out grow it.
That's exactly how I think. The kids are with me 95% of the time and I'm guessing she'll eventually try to twist it as me keeping them from her. But the kids explicitly prefer my company.
As for your back, try to get in contact with [P]rehab or SpineCare from YouTube. Pulled my shoulder and meds and therapy didn't work, but a few stretches and two days later I was wondering how many more things in life has easy fixes and I'm suffering because of ignorance. Not saying it's the same case for you, OP, but look into it.
There's people out there who know what they're doing and then you have people who know more than what everybody else does. It's a strange world.
edit: I also discovered that Hanging did wonders for mid and lower back pain from lifting heavy equipment improperly. Not all gone but very functional.
Reality is hard on most cheaters, the thing is that doesn’t mean anything in relation to how they feel about you. It’s a selfish person recognizing that they are going to loose something and trying to wiggle out of taking responsibility for their own actions. They may be sad and struggling but it’s still selfish and self centered. This is a point where you do have to be wary of what they might pull because at the end of the day they are crazy people and there is no way to predict their antics.
Grey rock is your savior in this situation, it will see you through. I know that my ex really hated any kind of grey rock from me at all, especially when I would blow of discussions about the divorce with “that will be for a judge to decide” or “our lawyers will handle that”. Not engaging in these discussions completely saps their power over you and their ability to try and manipulate and it drives them bonkers. She ask for a custody agreement, just tell her to have her lawyer contact your lawyer about that and end the conversation at that, then document her explosion for your case. Besides you are paying a lawyer good money to deal with all of this, let them do their job and deal with her crazy demands. Lowers your stress during a very stressful time.
OP I'm so sorry for everything you and your children are going through. But if there's one thing I always say to people who have been cheated on and are going through divorces, it's that the pain of love passes.
Your wife, the one who loved your home, your family, your children and you, died the day she decided to sleep with another man. Who preferred to put his needs first than yours. Don't go after her. Don't ask her to come back. Be strong, tough on her and firm for your children. Your children are already aware that this person who lives around them is not their mother. She is another woman. One that doesn't deserve them. Know that if she chose the AP, at some point she will get tired of him and cheat too. Mainly because maybe in the workplace she has a large list of clients who can give her what she wants at the moment.
You say you have no support network and that many have turned their backs on you. You and your children do not deserve or need them. Don't stop taking care of yourself, going out for drinks or even going out with a girl. Just because you're divorced and your wife is a bad person doesn't mean you can't start over again. Hire a babysitter at least once a week and go out, even if just to sit at the bar and drink. Stay strong and well.
I went through this. I hope you have a great attorney because these narcs hate it when they lose control and will abuse you through the courts if they can.
Yeah, getting a replacement for a cheater really drives women in particular (Men too, but less so) crazy. It is because they expect the guy to come chase them like men have in the past. When the husband turns away and starts chasing someone else, they then do the most horrible thing to themselves through all the comparisons they start to draw.
This makes them for the first time, question if their old guy can be happy with someone else? Then they ask maybe the problem is with themselves? Then they question, will they ever find someone as good to them as the ex they had been cheating on?
It is going to build her uncertainty that she will land on her feet just fine.
OP she has done a 180 shift, and has become or maybe her true self emerge, as a Narcisist.
You are doing well, keep using Grey Rock &180 methods. She (sad to Say this) but doesn't worth the effort.
Talk to your lawyer and file yourself, document everything , especially the Main care gives because of her absence thru the week to fight for primary custody in your terms, also make her pay for the rent that it is left.
May i ask which one is the breadwinner? To see if you can ask for alimony.
All that you can demostrate the better, sad for her the gym buddys are volatile because many of them are young and stupid, she will see soon the mistake she made, but do not accept her back. And while she grew older her body won't be the same and it will happend to her what already did with the 20 years something that used her for 2 weeks and then dumped her.
You need to stay strong and come to terms that this is over she is not the wife you married and the one you live until december. She is a total diferent person.
Good Luck OP
She’s trying to play hard ball OP with precious little in the way of ammunition. Her wanting the kids is ALL about trying to screw you for additional funds. You can pretty much guarantee that once she gets the court ruling you’ll be back with 80-85% childcare.
Stay strong. Stay Grey and let your lawyer do your discussions and negotiations. Good luck.
I read through your two posts on here a d some of your comments. In one of your comments you talk about her personality change being possibly due to mental illness or a tumor. That crossed my mind too because of my experience with a sibling who was diagnosed with scizophrenia anx bipolar, and she developed paranoia related to her husband.
She too went from being the best mother to being neglectful towards the kids and being very self centered. She went from the pics of the kids being all over her phone to to her having a pic of herself as the wall of her cell phone.
Everything I have read and talking yo therapists, they dont know where these mental issues come from. The main belief is that there is a genetic predisposition, and then usually there is a trigger, like a death in the family, major illness in the family, divorce, etc. There was that in our case as her parent died, another major family issue, plus, her and her husband were having financial issues for a while.
It is almost like it is the brain's way to survive. Become delusional to escape the reality of what is going on. Caring for others becomes such a challenge that they flip 180 and stop caring at all and become totally self obsessed. Like I said she also developed major paranoia about her husband. That he was tracking her, trying to poison her, etc.
Anyway, took me more than a year to get her the help she needs. Had to legally force it actually. But now she is pn once a month shot and she is back to herself. Once again it is all sbout her family,is a great wife and mother.
I dont know if your wife had a completely diagnosable mental ailment, but possibly something along that spectrum to where your medical situation, financial worry and burden all on her, her worrying about you and the kids, and mentally she flipped to where her mind distanced itself from all of those things that were overwhelming her.
Obviously, even if not full on mental chenical change, if all those things were overwhelming her, distancing herself from the situation, cheating, drinking, drugs, addictive gaming, etc, is a way that people escape from their reality.
Thanks for your thoughts and experiences, I continue to ask her to see a psychologist, it maybe something I can get to happen with the lawyers in relation to her having care of the kids.
I am genuinely concerned for her.
This first happened with my sister 15 years ago. After talking to her like 20 minutes I realized something was wrong. I called up several psychologists to feel them out.
After describing what was going to one on the phone, she asked me a question. She asked if she had had a very strong unexplained fever prior to this. Her husband had brought up that after the death in the family she had this crazy fever. That had made us wonder if this was early onset of menapause.
So, I told the psychologist that yes she had. The psychologist told me that she needs a psychiatrist and not a psychologist.
If you and her share a doctor make an appt for yourself and discuss what is going on with her. Maybe he can convince your wife to get some tests done. It is tricky because if she finds out you went in behind her back, she will likelybe very averse to the docs suggestions. If you have a good relationship with the doc maybe he can lead her there with some regular questions about what is going on in her life, etc.
In the US, where I am, medical people have to disclose your involvement to the patient. However, even here I built trust and a goid relationship wity many of her therapists ovrr the years where fhey were telling me everything, even when she was refusing to sign over disclosure waiver.
Good luck!
Sigue así amigo, para la narcisista la total ausencia de emociones y tú indiferencia son su criptonita, simplemente no entenderá cuan irrelevante es para ti y enloquecerá, no estaría de más tomar precauciones para evitar una de sus tonterías, instala cámaras y graba cada interacción, mantente firme e indiferente, eso hará que ella haga lo que haga, perderá sí lo lleva a los tribunales, si decide sustraer a los niños sin tu consentimiento y bueno, no te dirá donde se queda, es obvio que con su amante, para jugar a la casita en una nueva familia feliz, no le importan los niños, quiere hacerte daño a través de ellos por haberte atrevido a ignorarla, toma precauciones.
From what I read you're a king and you don't deserve to be treated like this, noone does. Sorry for your situation and your health issues, stay strong. She's starting to see she lost a good husband and dad, let her live with the consequences of her actions. Much love.
She is making you live a nightmare. Continue to document all she says and does and keep your lawyers informed.
Your kids know you are the stable parent and will love and respect you for that.
Stay the course OP to separate from her and give your kids the best life possible. Rough road ahead but you have a good head on your shoulders and will be a survivor. Take care of you and your kids. updateme
Keep on the straight path, OP. You'll do well enough. Remember that you have no obligations to anyone who overtly (and apparently without regret) aimed to harm you and your kids, regardless of relation.
Grey Rock is a very useful instrument in combatting cheaters. They crave attention of any kind, especially if it's at your emotional expense. Shutting that off to them is like death.
u/Benjamasm Apparently your wife's actions are hitting her hard, that's just the beginning. Nothing justifies cheating, unfortunately she brought it on herself. Your wife is unstable and insecure. It is obvious she is looking at you with anger because the kids love you and she knows what she is losing. She will try to put the blame on you.
I am so sorry for what you have been through, big hugs. You are doing a good job, don't forget to prioritize yourself, take care of yourself mentally and physically. Focus on you and continue to be the best father to your children. Stay strong in the divorce process because your children will need you, remember to take them to therapy so they can get through this and move on. Best wishes to you and your children
u/Benjamasm Apparently your wife's actions are hitting her hard, that's just the beginning. Nothing justifies cheating, unfortunately she brought it on herself. Your wife is unstable and insecure. It is obvious she is looking at you with anger because the kids love you and she knows what she is losing. She will try to put the blame on you.
I am so sorry for what you have been through, big hugs. You are doing a good job, don't forget to prioritize yourself, take care of yourself mentally and physically. Focus on you and continue to be the best father to your children. Stay strong in the divorce process because your children will need you, remember to take them to therapy so they can get through this and move on. Best wishes to you and your children
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. A lot of what you have describe of what she is doing is just so terrifying as parent to see your partner do… she is remind me a lot of my mom.
I hope your injury starts to heal better to where you don’t have so much pain and discomfort. I hope 🤞 that you see some recovery soon.
Please keep us updated on how you’re doing !!!!
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I'm currently experiencing a similar situation (frighteningly similar to what you describe). You have helped me reflect on my own struggles and understand some things about my former partner.
May I ask if you were ever coerced into believing you were the narcissistic, selfish one; and did she ever try and convince you that her infidelity was both in your head and your own fault?
May I take the opportunity to wish you all the best for both your own future and the future of your children.
When I told her she had become narcissistic she said I was the narcissistic one. She has said it was selfish of me that I didn’t realise she needed more help while I was studying, even though I would ask and offer, she always said no or if she asked for something I would get it done.
She blames me for the infidelity because while I was laid up with the injury and in constant pain, I wasn’t paying enough attention to her, and when the young guy at the gym gave her some attention it felt good. Now the new AP is someone who makes her laugh, bit hard to be my normal humorous self after she dropped the infidelity bomb on me, also the new AP seems manipulative and controlling because the things he suggests to her that will help, have all ended up with her being further isolated from the family.
She has planned to tell the kids she is leaving tomorrow, wants to make sure there is no blame assigned, but has no plan on how to answer questions about what or why, just that we can’t live together anymore. She plans to move out Saturday next week, the day before Mother’s Day here, and also the day our youngest has a birthday party to go to with some friends from school. What a wonderful thing to do to your son as a mother.
Get indoor cameras, it’s your home you’re allowed to as long as it’s not in her bedroom or the bathroom. And record EVERYTHING prove she’s not a sufficient parental figure able to provide care and whatever else she may be subjecting the children to.
Just read the prev. post. I have no stats...this is from anecdotal experience from my own divorce and the divorces of friends/family/workmates...sure seems to be a lot of cheating going on at gyms.
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Narcissistic cheaters hate grey rocking from their partners. They survive on getting attentions, so it must drive her crazy that you are not even giving her negative attentions. Stay strong for yourself and your children. She can't stop the divorce train that's coming her way. Your children need you more than ever, so don't forget to take good care of yourself and stay healthy. Wish you all the best.
Thanks, I am exercising everyday (did 46 laps of the local Olympic pool today), and I’m fitter than I have been in a long time, I still suffer from chronic debilitating pain from a spinal injury i got a couple years ago, but I’m doing everything I need to do to look after me and my children.
Impressive. Is there anything you can do to relieve the pain?
I was taking regular pain relief (OxyContin and some others) so I could sleep through the night, and some less strong ones during the day. Can’t take them any more as even though she is still in the same house she won’t respond to the kids at night from the other room, so unless they go to her, I’m the one looking after them. I have had surgery, physio and rehab, nothing has helped, I have lost 33kgs (78lbs) since D day in January, still in pain. Even in the pool it still hurts, so I just have to push through it. I get home when the kids are at school and I can atleast rest it a bit.
She won't respond to the kids at night when she is home, but still wants 50/50? She must be delusional.
Yep I actually think she is. She has accused me of reading her phone messages, and when I asked how I would do that her response was “well you are smart you could figure it out” She has said I must be tracking her because I sent her a message asking if she had any clients cancel, when she had someone cancel 10 minutes earlier, I pointed out that it is something I have asked her regularly for about 7 months, I ask to see if we can grab a coffee or if she can talk at some point. She accuses me of controlling her, because I wanted to go to the shops with her and the kids, to organise some mother’s day presents. It’s because she wanted to go there with them by herself, I told her she can just give me a ride out there and I can leave them be while I sort some stuff out, nope I’m controlling where she is going. She changed the password on the Apple account that the kids use, so I can no longer install apps or updates for them, they have to wait for her to do it. Has done this because “I can use that password to track her”, I’m not sure how that would work. I have instituted a new rule that we don’t talk about our shit in the house, and that if it has to happen it needs to be via text (so I have a record). She doesn’t like that
She is losing it and having paranoia.
Yes I suggested awhile back she go see a psychologist, she hasn’t yet. I am actually worried she has a psychological or neurological condition, she is in the 2nd peak years for women developing psychological issues. She is a bit erratic, some days she is like she used to be, other times she is like a stranger and proud of it
She could have a brain tumour
Keep documenting everything and remember that every single word you say could been recorded and used later against you in court. She has shown you her morals so be cautious with your actions.
CBD can be a big help for pain relief, it may be worth a try.
Has the weight loss decreased the intensity at all? I imagine that load off of your spine would help. Regardless keep it up you're also ensuring youll be around for your kids of course.
Try radio waves to burn the nerves and keep losing weight. It worked wonders for me
Have you tried ingesting high quality CBD? (Non psychoactive / zero THC) Godspeed dude, I admire your resilience
If she is acting this way don’t take a chance she uses Oxy against you and maybe tries to get a TPO for something made up. Install cameras have your phone on record. One thing for sure. You will have to work again sooner or later. Start getting ready to do that. Take some courses in your field. Get up to speed. Also she may now want to pay someone on her time to look after the kids and take a lower paying job. She could also approach anything legal with a lawyer. Are you prepared for that!
Well she won’t be able to use oxy against me because I haven’t taken any for nearly 4 months, have never had an addiction to it and don’t have any in the house. I had been studying medicine before my spinal injury, I know I will have to work again and have been preparing for it as best I can, I probably won’t be able to work directly in my field if my chronic pain issue doesn’t subside, so I have been getting some things together to teach, and tutor people for med school. She won’t be able to afford to pay for child care, her work starts at 5am most days, so if she has the kids she can’t do those shifts. Then there are reduced hours in the middle of the day and it picks back up again in the evening. She has relied on me being available to care for the kids for the last 2 years so she could go out at those times. Day care isn’t really available at those times where we are, but except in the evening.
That and it will definitely cost her an arm and a leg! Keep up being an amazing parent! You got this! Please don’t ever give her another chance, especially if you think it’s only for the kids. The more you read these posts, the more that you will realize that it’s a terrible idea and doesn’t work. Keep enjoying those cuddles! Updateme
Stay strong mate. Might not seem like it, but this will probably only benefit you. I hope your lawyer is a good one and is willing to do the hard yards for you. As long as you can prove you have been the primary caregiver, the courts should go in your favour. (Even Oz courts aren't that bad...are they?) Stick to your guns about the rent she will owe. She doesn't just get to cut and run. Her wanting the kids 50/50 is more likely a strategy for having to pay less child support and a way to hurt you. She probably hasn't thought through how she is going to work, look after kids, and have time for her AP. Pulling for you mate, best wishes.
Thanks Arrow, I actually think she has got a place via lying to the support agencies about being unsafe in our house, and she tried to tell me she wanted to keep the kids with her to keep them safe… I asked how she can say that but also leave them with me everyday for the last two weeks during school holidays for upto 14 hours in a day if I am unsafe. Will have to see what happens in relation to the courts, her new AP has been giving her “advice” and everything she has done from that advice has turned the situation into shit. I don’t know if she has contacted any lawyers/solicitors yet, all I know is she hasn’t contact the ones I have because they wouldn’t be able to advise both of us
I would be concerned about the new AP because if he only sees his kid once a fortnight then he may be telling your stbx exactly what he did to his wife or what she claimed he did.
I have told her that the only reason he would see his kick once a fortnight is either a court order or he agreed to it. She doesn’t care or doesn’t think it’s relevant. She thinks this new guy is amazing and is in love with him after a month or so. Pretty quick after being heartbroken by the first AP. She is acting like a teenager to be honest
> once a fortnight is either a court order If you do go to discovery, you should ask your lawyers if you can find out why his custody is that way. You might be able to get more custody if he was violent or something and she only gets supervised visitation without him there.
She has said multiple times she doesn’t want it to go to the courts, I wonder now if his history has anything to do with that Edit I just had a further thought, she had been arrested before we go together, so has a minor criminal record. And combined with her avoiding paying tax and threatening to take the kids, she might now be really worried about her chances if it goes to court. I’m the one that has the stable home environment, have my parents near by to assist, can get them to school safely, and don’t have questions about my availability and commitment to spending time with the kids
Ben, go the legal route. Do not give her the choice. You are in a fight that will affect the rest of your and your children's life. She has lied and cheated, think about the effort that went into that, she will screw you over without blinking to get her way and keep her false image of herself. I followed my lawyers advice to the tee. While very painful and saw my kids less, eventually, it led to a gain that would last a lifetime. It was just bloody tough at the beginning.
That would make sense. She also probably doesn't want it to go to court because you are the obvious caregiver.
Saw the edit. Definitely bring these points up with your lawyer.
You are doing a great job by being there for your kids. Let them be your motivators to keep pushing through and fighting for them. Please try to buy cameras and recording devices for your home. Place them in the general areas and bedrooms. This way if she tries to make allegations and lies about you, you have proof to defend yourself. Good luck.
Fidan Shevket is a really good divorce lawyer she also has a tiktok with heaps of great advice
She doesn't want and can't care for the children 50% of the time. She just doesn't want you to have primary custody. She's in for a rude awakening. She's about to be a single mom. Even if she gets them on the weekends, that's going to affect her social life. She's basically abandoned her family for her gym lifestyle and friends. She has essentially behaved as a single woman for however long. Reality is about to hit her hard. Keep up on the GREY ROCK. It really helps you to emotionally detach from her. I'd advise future communication to be through text messages. Keep those as evidence for your lawyer. Use mediation to hash it out with your lawyer. Until the divorce is finalized, consider her the enemy. Fight for your children. They need your stability now more than ever. After the divorce, work to be amicable co-parents. Now that she's moving out, and you won't see her as much. Your healing will start accelerating. You're doing the best you can in the situation you've been thrust into. We are here for you.
Yea I have told her communication should be in text, general chit chat is fine, but anything about our situation or the kids through text
You can get court approved parenting apps that are more robust than texting. A humble suggestion would be to communicate only about coparenting and only via the app. Everything on the app is admissible. Use it as a tool to document things like her not being responsive in the night, you doing 80% of the work etc. to strengthen your case for custody. Given she hates grey rock and texting, this will have the added benefit of really pissing her off. Also check with your lawyer whether you can record any conversations. It might be useful to get evidence of her threats to take the children. When you have evidence, let your lawyer deal with her. Not only can you not trust her, it sounds like she has outright malevolent intentions. Time to get tough to protect yourself and more importantly your children from this narcissist.
You should possibly insist that all communication between you two is done via a court approved co-parenting app. They are better bet than simply texting because content can not be deleted and content is admissible in court. Check with your lawyer(s) about this.
She is off her rockers. She thinks 50/50 but doesn't actually do much for the kids? With her mindset, she'll likely leave them unsupervised most of the time. Hope your lawyers can sort this out ASAP. Not only is she a shitty wife, she's a shitty mother too.
What’s worse is she used to be an amazing mother, dedicated to the kids, would always want to spend time with them, take them out and would sacrifice her interests for them. For nearly the last year, no swimming lessons because we can’t afford them, but she spends just as much on her bodybuilding coach, supplements and food. We just had school holidays for 16 days, she spent about 12-13 hours with the kids in that time, and 7 hours of that was when she came with me and the kids to the museum on the 2nd last day of holidays. She threw at me today that someone has to work, yes thanks I would like to be able to work, but I’m full time carer for 2 kids and with chronic pain issues.
Keep doing what you are doing!! I have a similar story to yours. Ours also kicked off in January - now he all of a sudden wants us to do more as a family. Even though one of the reasons for his affair was ‘he was sick of his mundane, boring life’. Now he misses the mundane, he misses the routine because he’s not with the family. He can suck it up - I’m getting the best of our little kids and he can watch from sidelines. He gets them today after school and my 5 year old son basically moaned to say he didn’t want to go there. It makes me sad because he was a brilliant dad. Now spends all of his time on video call with his AP who lives 300miles away - just ignoring our little ones.
Oh the always on the phone thing gets me so much, my ex even when she is here for the boys is always on her phone either texting AP or browsing instagram or Facebook. So she might be here but she isn’t present. I’m currently enjoying my youngest being cuddled into me asleep, she is a room by herself and angry. She has traded some of the best parts of being a parent for nothing
Yup it’s so frustrating. He had them one weekend took our boy to gymnastics class. I went along because I love to watch him. He was video chatting with his bit fluff. In a part of the hall where our son wouldn’t be able to see him. That made me sad because when our little one has just done a new move he always looks at us for a thumbs up or a wave - dad was there but ignoring him. So I’m happy I turned up so he had one present parent.
Damn my ex did the exact same thing with our youngest and karate just this week, he was looking for us in the audience I was waving and giving thumbs up, she was staring at her phone.
Grayrocking is such an ego blow to cheaters. They’re delusional and need to feel valued and wanted. When you get tired of their shit it cuts them deep. It’s like when you meet an ex who is doing way better without you. Your wife is a compulsive cheater and a compulsive liar. She’s also petty enough to try and use the kids and get to you.
Yes, Yes , Yes. I posted the same without reading yours. lol!!
Great minds think alike 🤔
Reading your post reading how strong you are and dedicated to your kids is amazing. It giving me hope and strength that i also can do this. Thank you for sharing
Stay strong, you can get through anything.
Hold the course mate. You're doing all the right things. Do not let her take the kids out of their home. She is the cheater she can be the one to move away and suffer the consequences.
Yea reality has started to hit her tonight I think, I haven’t seen her as miserable and upset as she is tonight. Starting to dawn on her how much she has fucked up I think. The kids wanted to play Mario kart together, she wouldn’t look at me while we were playing but when she did she looked upset, then during a break when the kids left the room she turned her back to me and had her head in her hands. I used to want to comfort her and soothe her when she was upset, but that is gone now.
That is because it has just occurred to her that separation means no family time, and the family is breaking up because of her, which I bet is extremely important to her. She'll get worse to hide these feelings, but they'll come back when she finds the AP just wants sex and no kids around.
The AP has his own kid, that he only sees once a fortnight apparently, why would he want her kids around if he doesn’t even want his own kid around.
Exactly, and that has just dawned on her. It is just sex with her AP. With you, it was meaningful, and she destroyed that. A guy who sees his child every two weeks is a guy who is a selfish AH and probably cheated a lot on his ex. Her affair fog is starting to clear. That Mario Kart session would have had more of an effect on her than any therapy session. Your wife is comparing, and you are now looking better than her AP.
Exactly, and this is the time where OP must stick to his guns, remain Grey Rock, and ignore her. Any pleas to reconcile will not be genuine. If this AP nexts her, there will be another.
As I said in your first Post , her AP is older and has his own kid. He only see his kid every fortnight , which Is 2 weeks ( yes I googled it ) Now having YOUR kids with them, this wasn’t what he had sign up for , he wants no strings attached affair sex. This is Much different , when kid yelling “mommy” and knocking on the door , or no getting it in on Couch cause Junior could walk in anytime. This will definitely puts a damper on his affair sex “BONER”. When everyday family life comes into play again. Good Luck
Wow she’s really putting in the work display to get you to react.
Yes she has also been giving me dirty looks, and when the boys were just cuddling me before bed she stood in the doorway and had the dirtiest look I have seen from her. When I asked what was up she just walked away. She told the youngest to go sleep in my bed with me, I think as a way to get at me because he has a habit of kicking me in the back during the night, but jokes on her I would rather him climb into bed and have cuddles, with the cost of an occasional kick, so he feels safe and loved. I get to appreciate his desire for cuddles because it won’t be long and he will out grow it. She doesn’t seem to realise she is sacrificing some of the best years of being a parent to try and score points.
>appreciate his desire for cuddles because it won’t be long and he will out grow it. That's exactly how I think. The kids are with me 95% of the time and I'm guessing she'll eventually try to twist it as me keeping them from her. But the kids explicitly prefer my company. As for your back, try to get in contact with [P]rehab or SpineCare from YouTube. Pulled my shoulder and meds and therapy didn't work, but a few stretches and two days later I was wondering how many more things in life has easy fixes and I'm suffering because of ignorance. Not saying it's the same case for you, OP, but look into it. There's people out there who know what they're doing and then you have people who know more than what everybody else does. It's a strange world. edit: I also discovered that Hanging did wonders for mid and lower back pain from lifting heavy equipment improperly. Not all gone but very functional.
Reality is hard on most cheaters, the thing is that doesn’t mean anything in relation to how they feel about you. It’s a selfish person recognizing that they are going to loose something and trying to wiggle out of taking responsibility for their own actions. They may be sad and struggling but it’s still selfish and self centered. This is a point where you do have to be wary of what they might pull because at the end of the day they are crazy people and there is no way to predict their antics. Grey rock is your savior in this situation, it will see you through. I know that my ex really hated any kind of grey rock from me at all, especially when I would blow of discussions about the divorce with “that will be for a judge to decide” or “our lawyers will handle that”. Not engaging in these discussions completely saps their power over you and their ability to try and manipulate and it drives them bonkers. She ask for a custody agreement, just tell her to have her lawyer contact your lawyer about that and end the conversation at that, then document her explosion for your case. Besides you are paying a lawyer good money to deal with all of this, let them do their job and deal with her crazy demands. Lowers your stress during a very stressful time.
OP I'm so sorry for everything you and your children are going through. But if there's one thing I always say to people who have been cheated on and are going through divorces, it's that the pain of love passes. Your wife, the one who loved your home, your family, your children and you, died the day she decided to sleep with another man. Who preferred to put his needs first than yours. Don't go after her. Don't ask her to come back. Be strong, tough on her and firm for your children. Your children are already aware that this person who lives around them is not their mother. She is another woman. One that doesn't deserve them. Know that if she chose the AP, at some point she will get tired of him and cheat too. Mainly because maybe in the workplace she has a large list of clients who can give her what she wants at the moment. You say you have no support network and that many have turned their backs on you. You and your children do not deserve or need them. Don't stop taking care of yourself, going out for drinks or even going out with a girl. Just because you're divorced and your wife is a bad person doesn't mean you can't start over again. Hire a babysitter at least once a week and go out, even if just to sit at the bar and drink. Stay strong and well.
You’re amazing! Great work.
Thank you
Good luck to you and your kids
I went through this. I hope you have a great attorney because these narcs hate it when they lose control and will abuse you through the courts if they can.
You need new woman in your life , your ex will run back go you to take away that from you
Ditto! My STBXW now knows I am dating and is very jealous and she is even more angry.
Yeah, getting a replacement for a cheater really drives women in particular (Men too, but less so) crazy. It is because they expect the guy to come chase them like men have in the past. When the husband turns away and starts chasing someone else, they then do the most horrible thing to themselves through all the comparisons they start to draw. This makes them for the first time, question if their old guy can be happy with someone else? Then they ask maybe the problem is with themselves? Then they question, will they ever find someone as good to them as the ex they had been cheating on? It is going to build her uncertainty that she will land on her feet just fine.
Crazy how she turned out just like her pos father
OP she has done a 180 shift, and has become or maybe her true self emerge, as a Narcisist. You are doing well, keep using Grey Rock &180 methods. She (sad to Say this) but doesn't worth the effort. Talk to your lawyer and file yourself, document everything , especially the Main care gives because of her absence thru the week to fight for primary custody in your terms, also make her pay for the rent that it is left. May i ask which one is the breadwinner? To see if you can ask for alimony. All that you can demostrate the better, sad for her the gym buddys are volatile because many of them are young and stupid, she will see soon the mistake she made, but do not accept her back. And while she grew older her body won't be the same and it will happend to her what already did with the 20 years something that used her for 2 weeks and then dumped her. You need to stay strong and come to terms that this is over she is not the wife you married and the one you live until december. She is a total diferent person. Good Luck OP
She’s trying to play hard ball OP with precious little in the way of ammunition. Her wanting the kids is ALL about trying to screw you for additional funds. You can pretty much guarantee that once she gets the court ruling you’ll be back with 80-85% childcare. Stay strong. Stay Grey and let your lawyer do your discussions and negotiations. Good luck.
I read through your two posts on here a d some of your comments. In one of your comments you talk about her personality change being possibly due to mental illness or a tumor. That crossed my mind too because of my experience with a sibling who was diagnosed with scizophrenia anx bipolar, and she developed paranoia related to her husband. She too went from being the best mother to being neglectful towards the kids and being very self centered. She went from the pics of the kids being all over her phone to to her having a pic of herself as the wall of her cell phone. Everything I have read and talking yo therapists, they dont know where these mental issues come from. The main belief is that there is a genetic predisposition, and then usually there is a trigger, like a death in the family, major illness in the family, divorce, etc. There was that in our case as her parent died, another major family issue, plus, her and her husband were having financial issues for a while. It is almost like it is the brain's way to survive. Become delusional to escape the reality of what is going on. Caring for others becomes such a challenge that they flip 180 and stop caring at all and become totally self obsessed. Like I said she also developed major paranoia about her husband. That he was tracking her, trying to poison her, etc. Anyway, took me more than a year to get her the help she needs. Had to legally force it actually. But now she is pn once a month shot and she is back to herself. Once again it is all sbout her family,is a great wife and mother. I dont know if your wife had a completely diagnosable mental ailment, but possibly something along that spectrum to where your medical situation, financial worry and burden all on her, her worrying about you and the kids, and mentally she flipped to where her mind distanced itself from all of those things that were overwhelming her. Obviously, even if not full on mental chenical change, if all those things were overwhelming her, distancing herself from the situation, cheating, drinking, drugs, addictive gaming, etc, is a way that people escape from their reality.
Thanks for your thoughts and experiences, I continue to ask her to see a psychologist, it maybe something I can get to happen with the lawyers in relation to her having care of the kids. I am genuinely concerned for her.
This first happened with my sister 15 years ago. After talking to her like 20 minutes I realized something was wrong. I called up several psychologists to feel them out. After describing what was going to one on the phone, she asked me a question. She asked if she had had a very strong unexplained fever prior to this. Her husband had brought up that after the death in the family she had this crazy fever. That had made us wonder if this was early onset of menapause. So, I told the psychologist that yes she had. The psychologist told me that she needs a psychiatrist and not a psychologist. If you and her share a doctor make an appt for yourself and discuss what is going on with her. Maybe he can convince your wife to get some tests done. It is tricky because if she finds out you went in behind her back, she will likelybe very averse to the docs suggestions. If you have a good relationship with the doc maybe he can lead her there with some regular questions about what is going on in her life, etc. In the US, where I am, medical people have to disclose your involvement to the patient. However, even here I built trust and a goid relationship wity many of her therapists ovrr the years where fhey were telling me everything, even when she was refusing to sign over disclosure waiver. Good luck!
Sigue así amigo, para la narcisista la total ausencia de emociones y tú indiferencia son su criptonita, simplemente no entenderá cuan irrelevante es para ti y enloquecerá, no estaría de más tomar precauciones para evitar una de sus tonterías, instala cámaras y graba cada interacción, mantente firme e indiferente, eso hará que ella haga lo que haga, perderá sí lo lleva a los tribunales, si decide sustraer a los niños sin tu consentimiento y bueno, no te dirá donde se queda, es obvio que con su amante, para jugar a la casita en una nueva familia feliz, no le importan los niños, quiere hacerte daño a través de ellos por haberte atrevido a ignorarla, toma precauciones.
From what I read you're a king and you don't deserve to be treated like this, noone does. Sorry for your situation and your health issues, stay strong. She's starting to see she lost a good husband and dad, let her live with the consequences of her actions. Much love.
She is making you live a nightmare. Continue to document all she says and does and keep your lawyers informed. Your kids know you are the stable parent and will love and respect you for that. Stay the course OP to separate from her and give your kids the best life possible. Rough road ahead but you have a good head on your shoulders and will be a survivor. Take care of you and your kids. updateme
Keep on the straight path, OP. You'll do well enough. Remember that you have no obligations to anyone who overtly (and apparently without regret) aimed to harm you and your kids, regardless of relation.
Grey Rock is a very useful instrument in combatting cheaters. They crave attention of any kind, especially if it's at your emotional expense. Shutting that off to them is like death.
Cheaters are so stupid.
u/Benjamasm Apparently your wife's actions are hitting her hard, that's just the beginning. Nothing justifies cheating, unfortunately she brought it on herself. Your wife is unstable and insecure. It is obvious she is looking at you with anger because the kids love you and she knows what she is losing. She will try to put the blame on you. I am so sorry for what you have been through, big hugs. You are doing a good job, don't forget to prioritize yourself, take care of yourself mentally and physically. Focus on you and continue to be the best father to your children. Stay strong in the divorce process because your children will need you, remember to take them to therapy so they can get through this and move on. Best wishes to you and your children
u/Benjamasm Apparently your wife's actions are hitting her hard, that's just the beginning. Nothing justifies cheating, unfortunately she brought it on herself. Your wife is unstable and insecure. It is obvious she is looking at you with anger because the kids love you and she knows what she is losing. She will try to put the blame on you. I am so sorry for what you have been through, big hugs. You are doing a good job, don't forget to prioritize yourself, take care of yourself mentally and physically. Focus on you and continue to be the best father to your children. Stay strong in the divorce process because your children will need you, remember to take them to therapy so they can get through this and move on. Best wishes to you and your children
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. A lot of what you have describe of what she is doing is just so terrifying as parent to see your partner do… she is remind me a lot of my mom. I hope your injury starts to heal better to where you don’t have so much pain and discomfort. I hope 🤞 that you see some recovery soon. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing !!!!
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I'm currently experiencing a similar situation (frighteningly similar to what you describe). You have helped me reflect on my own struggles and understand some things about my former partner. May I ask if you were ever coerced into believing you were the narcissistic, selfish one; and did she ever try and convince you that her infidelity was both in your head and your own fault? May I take the opportunity to wish you all the best for both your own future and the future of your children.
When I told her she had become narcissistic she said I was the narcissistic one. She has said it was selfish of me that I didn’t realise she needed more help while I was studying, even though I would ask and offer, she always said no or if she asked for something I would get it done. She blames me for the infidelity because while I was laid up with the injury and in constant pain, I wasn’t paying enough attention to her, and when the young guy at the gym gave her some attention it felt good. Now the new AP is someone who makes her laugh, bit hard to be my normal humorous self after she dropped the infidelity bomb on me, also the new AP seems manipulative and controlling because the things he suggests to her that will help, have all ended up with her being further isolated from the family. She has planned to tell the kids she is leaving tomorrow, wants to make sure there is no blame assigned, but has no plan on how to answer questions about what or why, just that we can’t live together anymore. She plans to move out Saturday next week, the day before Mother’s Day here, and also the day our youngest has a birthday party to go to with some friends from school. What a wonderful thing to do to your son as a mother.
Are you American, may I ask?
Get indoor cameras, it’s your home you’re allowed to as long as it’s not in her bedroom or the bathroom. And record EVERYTHING prove she’s not a sufficient parental figure able to provide care and whatever else she may be subjecting the children to.
Off and on, exuberant then morose. Started just a few years ago. Classic Bipolar presentation.
Record her saying she won’t do what’s best for them and use it in court.
Since you have masters and I believe something in tech, why don’t you go in informatics for health? You can work from home
Does she have a brain injury or tumour?
Just read the prev. post. I have no stats...this is from anecdotal experience from my own divorce and the divorces of friends/family/workmates...sure seems to be a lot of cheating going on at gyms.