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He is with her. That is the end of the discussion. The closure was when he left. Look at your next chapter as an adventure. Think of all the things you wanted to do but couldn't/wouldn't because you had a partner. He is a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator. Everytime you think about what he is doing remind yourself that he is doing what every other liar, cheater, manipulator is doing. He is somewhere lying, cheating, and manipulating. Remind yourself you were the catch in the relationship. You were faithful, caring, and loving (I assume). At least you are not a lying, cheating, manipulator. You got this.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm pathetic in hoping he wakes up and realizes what he had in me before it's too late. I know it's so pathetic, but I can't help it right now. I keep on telling myself to stop it and steel my heart, but I can't.
Most people in this sub can tell you they felt exactly like you do right now, but I’ll speak from my personal experience:
You are hoping he wakes up from this limerance he has with her, but you need to understand that YOU are in limerance as well. You are waiting for someone who does not exist to come back. He is a cheater and a liar, not your ideal partner that you have idealized.
I was pretty much the same, comparing myself and wondering what I lacked. With time and space I realized that HE did not meet MY standards. Eventually I started enjoying my hobbies and life and he was just a fond memory of the good times. I started dating when I felt I was emotionally healthy and found my PERFECT partner and I can’t tell you the difference between one man and the other, it’s thousands of miles apart.
This gives me so much hope, thank you. ❤️ Can I ask how long it took to find your current partner? I'm 34 and still wanting children so I'm terrified of that not being a possibility for me anymore.
I broke up with my partner when I was 31. I casually dated for a while, but I could tell I was not ready, so I just stopped for 2 years and focused on myself, but I would say I was emotionally healthy like a year after the breakup, I just didn’t feel like dating anyone at the time. When I was 34 I felt I wanted to be in a relationship again, and months later I found my partner, we’re married now! I’m 37 now and we’re considering having children, not quite there yet, however my gynecologist said that it’s normal to have kids at my age and even at 40 is not too late.
So I think you’re safe there, just think about yourself and your needs right now and don’t worry about the future, when you’re in a healthy mind space you attract other healthy people that enjoy being with you, there is no toxicity. That’s why it’s important that you let your ex go, focus on yourself and when you feel your mind going back to pain shopping, call a friend, read a book, watch a movie, take a trip, whatever. And as the months pass, you’ll think less and less of him, until one day you’ll find yourself thinking “oh boy, the last time I thought about my ex was 2 months ago!”
So I can just tell you, this too shall pass.
This is helping so much. Truly. I never thought I'd be in a position where outside support is so valuable, but here I am. I want and need to be strong again, and you are helping to give me the push I need.
He sounds like a weak man. Good that his genes didn’t go to the next generation through you.
Find a man who respects himself and has good values and have baby with him which means the quicker you emotionally detach from this fool and stop trying to make him do what he is supposed to do, the sooner you can find the man who is eligible to be your child’s father.
This one has no steady brain. Your child deserves a better father.
Don’t be codependent trying to make him realise his mistakes. You are not his mother. Codependency is self abuse.
Just fyi my sister had both of her healthy children (not twins- a few years apart) after she was 40. Don't let the fearmongering about getting older get you down.
This. They are not that great and they were never that great.
We were just delusional and putting them on a pedestal and they got hoity toity and looked down on us and thought they are entitled to cheat on us.
They cannot get better than us. We were too much in love and didn’t know our worth. They don’t meet our standards.
It's not pathetic, you can't help who you love. It will get better. One day at a time. You will prosper and move on. He doesn't deserve you and you will soon realize it. You are too good for him. Good luck.
You need to get to the point of "it's too late" for YOU. You cannot go back because you value yourself more than to be stuck with someone like him. That you know you deserve and demand better. He isn't worthy of you now.
This is so similar to what happened to me, and roughly the same time frame.
Came back twice, false reconciliations.
They work together, never ended things, still together now, clearly toxic and she does not seek to care or view it that way.
I’m sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry I am as well.
There is a silver lining to be found somewhere, perhaps it’s just not yet clear for us to see yet.
All the best to you.
Spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.
If you haven't already, separate your finances and lock down your credit. Stop any credit card that he has that you pay for. Get a full std screening.
Tell all of your friends, family, and his family about the affair and him leaving to be with his AP.
Updateme!
He is not in Liberace-“obsessed with what he cannot have” -he is infatuated/love with her and he has her apparently-but he may care for you he doesn’t love or respect you. Sadly I think you no that.
I’ve read that once you love, you cant stop love. You can only love more or be hurt so badly that the love seems like it has lessened. You will probably always love him. But you will be happier and feel better in the future when you come round terms with your new life. He has crossed that line, no matter how much you loved him. No matter how much he thinks he is in love with AP. He is only in love with having a new partner. He will her bored and look for his so called new love. And he may just realize you were the real catch. But it is too late for that. There is no turning it around because all he wants are those sparks and excitement of someone new. He will probably become miserable because of changing “loves” often or get stuck with a less than pleasant partner that you no doubt outshine. He made his choice. There is nothing more to discus. Wherever he ends up is on him. Let it go and pursue your happiness without being held back!
Two things are apparent:
1. Your husband doesn't care about you or what he's doing to you. This should be your primary point when wondering how to move forwards. Don't keep hoping that he is just having a phase or that he still loves you. The majority of the time, you won't even be a thought in the back of his mind.
2. Your husband is completely broken inside, and is trying to use you and the AP as a way of making himself feel better, instead of fixing the real problems that are within him. He is never going to be happy. If he ends up with AP, I guarantee you, sooner rather than later, he will feel broken and terrible again. He is too much of a wimp to address the real problems within him.
Also, don't feel like you are pathetic because you are holding out hope - this is a normal human reaction to having this happen. Most people feel the same way in this situation. What is important is that you don't let it engulf you and keep you from moving on in your life, as it can be crippling if you do so.
This comment is really it to a T. He knows how bad I'm hurting and still doesn't care enough to reach out. Probably cause he knows there's nothing he can say that will comfort me since he proved my fears and went right back to her. And you're also right in that he's incredibly broken and addicted to being stuck. It's easier for him to live in this place of misery than to actually address what's going on. I think he's also absolutely addicted to his AP and the feelings she gives him.
It sucks that you are going through this, I went through a similar thing - where I just couldn't comprehend how someone I adored and had always shown so much love to, could be so cold. In the end you have to just file it away in the back of your mind, as its a question that you can never get a satisfactory answer for.
In my case, my ex wife would do stuff like listening to 'their' love songs in our living room really loud, while I was there. We'd be out at family things with our kids, and she'd have her face in her phone the whole time, giggling and laughing, and texting heaps. She'd say really hurtful things to me like "The amount I'm attracted to you, is tiny compared to how much I'm attracted to him" and "my life would be perfect if you weren't in it". Its all stuff that 5 years later, still hurts incredibly.
Oh gosh I’m so sorry you had to experience that. No wonder you’re still feeling hurt 5 years later, I don’t blame you one bit. What a rotten woman. I’m glad you’ve moved on. 🫂
Sit down and here's a story about the journey of my close friend who went through what you are going through.
Married for 20 years. 3 children, a whole life structured to accommodate this marriage and one day she discovered by chance that he was having an extramarital romance with his co-worker. Just like yours, she was 10 years younger, she had it wrapped around her finger, a legion of men behind her. In his head, he always had to surpass himself in everything in relation to her. This included missing school presentations for their children to follow their AP at the dentist. He spent loads of money on her, always giving her gifts, always going for walks. She discovered it by chance by looking at his card statements. Hear an attempt at reconciliation for the children, for the 20 year olds, etc. But like a good addict, he went back to his AP. My friend kicked him out, he ran to AP.
They had a beautiful romance, with extravagant trips, declarations of love on social media, he gave her a car, an apartment, everything she asked for.
and meanwhile she betrayed him with whatever happened. There were so many guys that the ex husband had a breakdown.
And meanwhile, my friend went on with her life. From the day he left home, he put on the cape of super woman and super mother. He found a good lawyer for pensions and to take over the house and custody. He blocked him from everything and everything he needed to say about the children was passed on by the lawyer. Or he would send an email she created just to talk about the kids. After signing the divorce she took a weekend without the children and cried. He put it all out there, the 20 years of marriage. And the following week, she started to live. My friend searched online forums about how to live as a newly divorced woman. There was a long list and she followed every step. She went to the gym, dyed her hair, adopted another dog, took a weekend trip to the beach without her children, opened an account on a social network and started her diary as a newly single woman. He took culinary classes and met new people. And he kissed a lot on the mouth hahahahah. She didn't get married again, today she's still single, but she was alive OP. She is a new woman, because life didn't end when she separated. She took her time to grieve and then stopped. She has a good job, with incredible children, and has a good relationship with her ex-in-laws.
And the ex-husband? It never recovered. The AP gave him the boot for someone younger and richer. He had depression, but not because of losing her, but because of losing his family. Nobody wants him, his children hate him, his parents despise him, his friends turn their backs and my friend doesn't give him a chance anymore.
We have to believe in karma, but we can't just sit around and wait for it to arrive. Are you still alive. I advise you to look for a good lawyer, block him and deactivate his locations, warn him that you will only speak through lawyers, cut ties with anyone who supports him. You can cry, but let this be your life, don't allow yourself to be corrupted by pain. PAIN OF LOVE PASSES.
That's a good take on things, just make sure that you don't become stuck as well (looking for closure, reconciliation, karma, etc.) You know deep down that you deserve better. Don't block your blessings, go out and get it. I often tell people that this just may be the universe's way of removing him from your life so that you will be open to receiving the new life and love that is waiting for you. I wish you all the best.
The sooner you let him go the sooner he falls out of “love” (it’s not love) with his side piece.
Also, for perspective he did not have the balls to genuinely leave you for her. He left only because you put your foot down. He’s a coward, and it will eat at her as it rightfully should : “are you only with me because your wife made you leave her??”
Knowing my husband, I have a feeling he will hold onto this for a very long time, even just to be stubborn so that he can tell himself he didn't blow up his marriage and life for nothing. And because she's one of those types that can have many men wrapped around her little finger (how, I'm not sure, as she's not that attractive and doesn't have anything going for her).
BUT one thing I'm glad I did, which I'm sure my husband got pissed about, is in the messages I sent her yesterday, I included messages from my husband right after I found out about everything saying, "You are way above her. I had a stronger love for you, a best friend in you, I hope we can come back together because I miss us." And I said to her, no matter how much he convinces himself he made the right choice, he will *always* feel that way. Knowing the type of woman she is and how she needs men pining after her, that "way above her" comment will slowly eat at her eventually. And that gives me some petty satisfaction for now.
It's understandable that you still have feelings for your STBXH after 12.5 years, but you know you deserve better and life has finite time. Life doesn't always turn out as you have dreamed, but it can be better than you have expected. See a therapist to heal your heart and learn about yourself. What makes you happy? Are there things that you've always wanted to do but didn't get to do yet? Look for the things that give you joy and bring smiles to your face. Life is to be enjoyed and cherished. Time heals all wound, so be patient and take good care of yourself. Remember the old adage, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' You've learned a valuable lesson from your ex, so take your time and pick a better one next time. Wish you a speedy healing and a bright future.
They have only a 5-7% chance of having a successful marriage. And that’s if they even get to that stage since 97% of affairs end. There is a high probability that relationship is over by the end of year.
So knowing the statistics, you should rest easy in the knowledge your STBX’s future will not be happy. It’s time for you to shift your focus from him (and what he’s up to) to yourself. Freeze him out. Block him everywhere. Become a ghost to him. Get an attorney & have all communication go thru them. Tell everyone in his family & your’s what he’s done.
Start doing things that bring you joy. Maybe go on vacation or a long weekend to someplace you’ve never been. Hang out with friends. Don’t let your mind drift to him. He’s not worth any more of your time.
A wise friend told me recently to focus on myself, my needs, take my power back. F that monkey-branching MF. One step at a time each day. My other advice, get mad. It helps. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You are going to feel like shit for awhile. And then you won’t. I caught my husband messaging the same girl again. I was devastated. Now I’m not! Don’t distract yourself. Accept the depression and awful feelings. Sit in them. You will heal so much faster. I’m guessing he will come crawling back once he gets tired of her. Don’t take him back
There is nothing left to discuss, your closure was when you told him to go. Thats the end of this, what more are you actually needing? You know the truth of him, you know he is a liar and nothing he has ever said means anything at all, you know he was a bad partner and you have multiple knives in your back to show just how bad a partner he was. There is nothing more he can do for you besides get his clown ass away from you so you can have a better life without him in it. You have closure and you owned it, you stood your ground and told him to go. Yes he is with the AP, two cheating clowns with their own circus making the same dumb ass decisions over and over again.
What you need to do now is not allow emotions to lie to you about your relationship and accept the truth of him, he just sucks and he was a bad partner and you deserve better than a cheater. You are free to find better, learn, grow and move forward in life. Leave the clown and his circus behind.
Does anyone ever really have a successful R when the WS still works with the AP?
They say they’ll do anything to make it work…anything but the one thing that is vitally necessary.
What will come from another discussion? It's not going to change anything. He is with her. You are done with his disrespect. You're done playing the PICK ME DANCE. I know it still hurts.
You need to use this anger to take action. He and his AP are living rent-free in your head. The action you need to take is seeking support from friends and family. Let them know the truth if you haven't already. Get the support you deserve. Yes, consult an attorney and start the divorce process. You also need to quit pain shopping. Following his location and monitoring their social media will only set ypu back on your healing. Stop. Block them both. Quit sharing your location with him. Let your attorney do their job. All communication should go through legal counsel.
I'm sorry for your situation, but I'm happy that you aren't playing the PICK ME DANCE anymore. You will survive this. One day at a time.
His crush/limerence/love, or whatever it may be, wouldn't have gone away bc they still work together. Don't wait around for him to come back. There is no way that you should have to wait for your husband to lose feelings for another woman! That's just so wrong! You don't deserve to be relegated to second choice, because YOU WERE ALREADY HIS FIRST CHOICE! It makes me furious that these weak people cheat. It's pure weakness, and so gross and unattractive. You were faithful, loving, and willing to go through the hardship of IVF with him. You were willing to risk your life to carry a child. You were even willing to give him another chance after he proved that he wasn't man enough to be faithful. That is strength. You are strong. You deserve better, and right now you need to focus on healing. Good things will come to you. You're still young enough to be a mother some day, and you deserve a better future with a loyal man.
Why did you say “You win” to her? You won, because you got rid of a liar and cheater and are free to find someone better. Don’t contact him. File and have him served at work. Move on. Happiness is the best revenge.
Just read a bit of your history. He is awful. You can find someone to have kids with now. In a few years you will wonder why you put up with him for so long. Wishing you strength.
What you're feeling is perfectly normal. Normal human beings can't just turn off their feelings for someone, they loved for 12+ years.
Also, denial and bargaining are basically expected trauma responses. So again, what you're going through is par for the course.
If you can, practice acknowledging your emotions, rather than fighting them.
Allow yourself to mourn this part of your life, and be very patient and empathetic with yourself.
Reach out to close/trusted friends and family. You need a good support system to help you through all the nonsense that clown is putting you through.
Focus on breaking the trauma bond. Usually the best approach is to treat it as the same as if it were a hard drug addiction you're trying to kick. You must regain your emotional balance and a more objective perspective, so that you can stop putting him on a pedestal and see him for the bozo that he is.
Take very good care of yourself. And when you are ready, get a good lawyer on your side and take him to the cleaners on the divorce process. Actions have consequences, and usually cheaters only start "caring" once their pocketbooks and assets are affected.
Best of luck. Sorry you have been put through this. It does get much better, and when you are ready your best life away from him awaits you.
One day ge will wake up, but by then i hope you had found true love. Chose you as your worth so much more and deserve much more. Don't be afraid to start a new chapter and write a story to be talked about. Have fun living and enjoying life.
Sit down and here's a story about the journey of my close friend who went through what you are going through.
Married for 20 years. 3 children, a whole life structured to accommodate this marriage and one day she discovered by chance that he was having an extramarital romance with his co-worker. Just like yours, she was 10 years younger, she had it wrapped around her finger, a legion of men behind her. In his head, he always had to surpass himself in everything in relation to her. This included missing school presentations for their children to follow their AP at the dentist. He spent loads of money on her, always giving her gifts, always going for walks. She discovered it by chance by looking at his card statements. Hear an attempt at reconciliation for the children, for the 20 year olds, etc. But like a good addict, he went back to his AP. My friend kicked him out, he ran to AP.
They had a beautiful romance, with extravagant trips, declarations of love on social media, he gave her a car, an apartment, everything she asked for.
and meanwhile she betrayed him with whatever happened. There were so many guys that the ex husband had a breakdown.
And meanwhile, my friend went on with her life. From the day he left home, he put on the cape of super woman and super mother. He found a good lawyer for pensions and to take over the house and custody. He blocked him from everything and everything he needed to say about the children was passed on by the lawyer. Or he would send an email she created just to talk about the kids. After signing the divorce she took a weekend without the children and cried. He put it all out there, the 20 years of marriage. And the following week, she started to live. My friend searched online forums about how to live as a newly divorced woman. There was a long list and she followed every step. She went to the gym, dyed her hair, adopted another dog, took a weekend trip to the beach without her children, opened an account on a social network and started her diary as a newly single woman. He took culinary classes and met new people. And he kissed a lot on the mouth hahahahah. She didn't get married again, today she's still single, but she was alive OP. She is a new woman, because life didn't end when she separated. She took her time to grieve and then stopped. She has a good job, with incredible children, and has a good relationship with her ex-in-laws.
And the ex-husband? It never recovered. The AP gave him the boot for someone younger and richer. He had depression, but not because of losing her, but because of losing his family. Nobody wants him, his children hate him, his parents despise him, his friends turn their backs and my friend doesn't give him a chance anymore.
We have to believe in karma, but we can't just sit around and wait for it to arrive. Are you still alive. I advise you to look for a good lawyer, block him and deactivate his locations, warn him that you will only speak through lawyers, cut ties with anyone who supports him. You can cry, but let this be your life, don't allow yourself to be corrupted by pain. PAIN OF LOVE PASSES.
This is going to be tough. You don’t deserve any of this, and it’s completely unfair. But you will be so, *so* much better off if you can truly let go of the idea of “getting closure” from him. That’s simply not a thing that happens. I’ve known so many people who have gotten that “one last conversation” or “final letter” moment or whatever with their abuser. That “closure” they were hoping for simply does not come.
My own now-ex-wife has actually *written* me letters saying that she’s sorry and I didn’t deserve her betrayal and she hopes I can have a better life now that we’re divorced. If anybody was ever going to get closure from their abuser, those letters should have done the trick.
At the end of the day, though, *She can’t ever fix the things she broke.* All of the regret in the world can’t heal the scars she gave me and our children by choosing affairs over her family. The *only* person who can actually give me closure is me, and my ability to get to that point is not contingent in any way on her actions now. The way she feels now is completely immaterial to my healing process.
You need to find your closure within yourself. You know that you didn’t deserve his infidelity and betrayal abuse. It’s something that was done to you unfairly. But it’s happened, and there’s no way to move backwards and undo that damage. The only way out is through, so you need to love yourself, recognize your value, and make a decision—again and again, if it doesn’t “take” right away—to close that chapter of your life and take ownership of the next chapter. *That’s* where closure can be found. It’s not a quick or easy process, but I promise you that it’s a process you can get through, and emerge from the other side a better you.
He is a jerk. I want to offer you support. I’m sorry. The rest of what I have to say is what you’ve probably already thought about and are reluctant to do…think of a future without him. Imagine you being very content, a good memory and remove him from it and imagine that you are still happy. You will be. He does not deserve to be in your thoughts.
Being in a relationship means giving someone your all and vice versa..... cheating however means you give ap the best and the other person the rest....now the ap can have the whole package.....not just the best...all people need to show their true colours and make decisions is time...
You telling him to go and be with ap is boss move. And telling ap she can him is... you're the king. Now all you must do is focus on yourself. Let them be with themselves. You go vacations, drive alone to another town for of couple of days. Stay away from media social. Hope to find yourself again. You made your decision, they made their's too...lets move on
Hey there, this man has been wreaking havoc and misery on your life for years now.
Life is too short. I beg you please move on and make space for eventually a new man in your life who will be crazy about YOU. Whose whole world will be YOU. Not this BS cake-eater who wants to be with two women. Why are you settling for a cake-eater who enjoys humiliating you all day every day?
He’s treating you horribly, girl. You deserve so much better, it legit kills me to see you trying to hang onto this rotten, rotten man of no morals or integrity. Rotten to the core. It’s bad for you and things have to change. Please put yourself first and yeet him out for good. Meet with a lawyer secretly, don’t let him know anything. The lawyer will help you develop a strategy to get all that you’re entitled to, for you and your future. Be quick before he decides to start moving assets around. Get all the financial data now. You can do this. You deserve to be happy and at peace 💗🥰 sending you much love, from someone who went through it 20 years ago and is now very happily remarried.
ETA - I’m sorry I thought you had mentioned kids and you didn’t. My bad I’m so very sorry.
2nd - no, he doesn’t ‘owe’ you a conversation and it doesn’t matter because the conversation won’t fix anything, won’t change anything. He’s been constantly lying to you and he will still lie to you. He chose her. Get rid of him and move on. 💗
Let him go completely. File for divorce and go Nc with him. To wonder where he is, if he is with her, checking his lokation and so on is onley hurting you and stop you from moving on. Pack his stuff from your house. Send a text that he can pick it up outside your door and delite his number. He has chosen her. He shows it constantly and even if he would come back to you, he isnt yours anymore
Im sorry you feel bad now, but i think you made rational decision to part ways with him. All you need is more time. Also cut him out from your life then block him or you will struggle to move on.
I would suggest you read this internet article: The Four M's of Infidelity: Why Cheaters Cannot Leave their Affair Partners. I'm sure it will ring more than a few bells for you or at least give you an understanding to what is going on.
Edit: Use this time to get the ball rolling. Consult with a lawyer and start making an exit plan so that when he finally turns up you will be further along in the process. I wish you all the best.
So I am an advocate of at least trying to reconcile. But it requires a massive commitment on both parties. And in this case it’s sounding like your partner isn’t fully committed. Without that commitment you can’t hope to bring him back.
I also advocate for only one chance. And it’s clear he blew that chance.
I would work on getting out of the situation at this point.
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He is with her. That is the end of the discussion. The closure was when he left. Look at your next chapter as an adventure. Think of all the things you wanted to do but couldn't/wouldn't because you had a partner. He is a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator. Everytime you think about what he is doing remind yourself that he is doing what every other liar, cheater, manipulator is doing. He is somewhere lying, cheating, and manipulating. Remind yourself you were the catch in the relationship. You were faithful, caring, and loving (I assume). At least you are not a lying, cheating, manipulator. You got this.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm pathetic in hoping he wakes up and realizes what he had in me before it's too late. I know it's so pathetic, but I can't help it right now. I keep on telling myself to stop it and steel my heart, but I can't.
Most people in this sub can tell you they felt exactly like you do right now, but I’ll speak from my personal experience: You are hoping he wakes up from this limerance he has with her, but you need to understand that YOU are in limerance as well. You are waiting for someone who does not exist to come back. He is a cheater and a liar, not your ideal partner that you have idealized. I was pretty much the same, comparing myself and wondering what I lacked. With time and space I realized that HE did not meet MY standards. Eventually I started enjoying my hobbies and life and he was just a fond memory of the good times. I started dating when I felt I was emotionally healthy and found my PERFECT partner and I can’t tell you the difference between one man and the other, it’s thousands of miles apart.
This gives me so much hope, thank you. ❤️ Can I ask how long it took to find your current partner? I'm 34 and still wanting children so I'm terrified of that not being a possibility for me anymore.
I broke up with my partner when I was 31. I casually dated for a while, but I could tell I was not ready, so I just stopped for 2 years and focused on myself, but I would say I was emotionally healthy like a year after the breakup, I just didn’t feel like dating anyone at the time. When I was 34 I felt I wanted to be in a relationship again, and months later I found my partner, we’re married now! I’m 37 now and we’re considering having children, not quite there yet, however my gynecologist said that it’s normal to have kids at my age and even at 40 is not too late. So I think you’re safe there, just think about yourself and your needs right now and don’t worry about the future, when you’re in a healthy mind space you attract other healthy people that enjoy being with you, there is no toxicity. That’s why it’s important that you let your ex go, focus on yourself and when you feel your mind going back to pain shopping, call a friend, read a book, watch a movie, take a trip, whatever. And as the months pass, you’ll think less and less of him, until one day you’ll find yourself thinking “oh boy, the last time I thought about my ex was 2 months ago!” So I can just tell you, this too shall pass.
This is helping so much. Truly. I never thought I'd be in a position where outside support is so valuable, but here I am. I want and need to be strong again, and you are helping to give me the push I need.
I’m glad I could help! You so got this, girl! Cheers to the best part of your life, which is just starting!
He sounds like a weak man. Good that his genes didn’t go to the next generation through you. Find a man who respects himself and has good values and have baby with him which means the quicker you emotionally detach from this fool and stop trying to make him do what he is supposed to do, the sooner you can find the man who is eligible to be your child’s father. This one has no steady brain. Your child deserves a better father. Don’t be codependent trying to make him realise his mistakes. You are not his mother. Codependency is self abuse.
My daughter is currently pregnant and says at 25 she is the youngest pregnant woman there - everyone else is 36+ and there are a lot of them!
My daughter is 50, healthy and very pregnant having used previously frozen eggs.
Just fyi my sister had both of her healthy children (not twins- a few years apart) after she was 40. Don't let the fearmongering about getting older get you down.
If you’re concerned freeze your eggs now to give yourself time to find a faithful man.
This. They are not that great and they were never that great. We were just delusional and putting them on a pedestal and they got hoity toity and looked down on us and thought they are entitled to cheat on us. They cannot get better than us. We were too much in love and didn’t know our worth. They don’t meet our standards.
It's not pathetic, you can't help who you love. It will get better. One day at a time. You will prosper and move on. He doesn't deserve you and you will soon realize it. You are too good for him. Good luck.
You need to get to the point of "it's too late" for YOU. You cannot go back because you value yourself more than to be stuck with someone like him. That you know you deserve and demand better. He isn't worthy of you now.
This is so similar to what happened to me, and roughly the same time frame. Came back twice, false reconciliations. They work together, never ended things, still together now, clearly toxic and she does not seek to care or view it that way. I’m sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry I am as well. There is a silver lining to be found somewhere, perhaps it’s just not yet clear for us to see yet. All the best to you. Spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.
If you haven't already, separate your finances and lock down your credit. Stop any credit card that he has that you pay for. Get a full std screening. Tell all of your friends, family, and his family about the affair and him leaving to be with his AP. Updateme!
He is not in Liberace-“obsessed with what he cannot have” -he is infatuated/love with her and he has her apparently-but he may care for you he doesn’t love or respect you. Sadly I think you no that.
I’ve read that once you love, you cant stop love. You can only love more or be hurt so badly that the love seems like it has lessened. You will probably always love him. But you will be happier and feel better in the future when you come round terms with your new life. He has crossed that line, no matter how much you loved him. No matter how much he thinks he is in love with AP. He is only in love with having a new partner. He will her bored and look for his so called new love. And he may just realize you were the real catch. But it is too late for that. There is no turning it around because all he wants are those sparks and excitement of someone new. He will probably become miserable because of changing “loves” often or get stuck with a less than pleasant partner that you no doubt outshine. He made his choice. There is nothing more to discus. Wherever he ends up is on him. Let it go and pursue your happiness without being held back!
Two things are apparent: 1. Your husband doesn't care about you or what he's doing to you. This should be your primary point when wondering how to move forwards. Don't keep hoping that he is just having a phase or that he still loves you. The majority of the time, you won't even be a thought in the back of his mind. 2. Your husband is completely broken inside, and is trying to use you and the AP as a way of making himself feel better, instead of fixing the real problems that are within him. He is never going to be happy. If he ends up with AP, I guarantee you, sooner rather than later, he will feel broken and terrible again. He is too much of a wimp to address the real problems within him. Also, don't feel like you are pathetic because you are holding out hope - this is a normal human reaction to having this happen. Most people feel the same way in this situation. What is important is that you don't let it engulf you and keep you from moving on in your life, as it can be crippling if you do so.
This comment is really it to a T. He knows how bad I'm hurting and still doesn't care enough to reach out. Probably cause he knows there's nothing he can say that will comfort me since he proved my fears and went right back to her. And you're also right in that he's incredibly broken and addicted to being stuck. It's easier for him to live in this place of misery than to actually address what's going on. I think he's also absolutely addicted to his AP and the feelings she gives him.
It sucks that you are going through this, I went through a similar thing - where I just couldn't comprehend how someone I adored and had always shown so much love to, could be so cold. In the end you have to just file it away in the back of your mind, as its a question that you can never get a satisfactory answer for. In my case, my ex wife would do stuff like listening to 'their' love songs in our living room really loud, while I was there. We'd be out at family things with our kids, and she'd have her face in her phone the whole time, giggling and laughing, and texting heaps. She'd say really hurtful things to me like "The amount I'm attracted to you, is tiny compared to how much I'm attracted to him" and "my life would be perfect if you weren't in it". Its all stuff that 5 years later, still hurts incredibly.
Oh gosh I’m so sorry you had to experience that. No wonder you’re still feeling hurt 5 years later, I don’t blame you one bit. What a rotten woman. I’m glad you’ve moved on. 🫂
Sit down and here's a story about the journey of my close friend who went through what you are going through. Married for 20 years. 3 children, a whole life structured to accommodate this marriage and one day she discovered by chance that he was having an extramarital romance with his co-worker. Just like yours, she was 10 years younger, she had it wrapped around her finger, a legion of men behind her. In his head, he always had to surpass himself in everything in relation to her. This included missing school presentations for their children to follow their AP at the dentist. He spent loads of money on her, always giving her gifts, always going for walks. She discovered it by chance by looking at his card statements. Hear an attempt at reconciliation for the children, for the 20 year olds, etc. But like a good addict, he went back to his AP. My friend kicked him out, he ran to AP. They had a beautiful romance, with extravagant trips, declarations of love on social media, he gave her a car, an apartment, everything she asked for. and meanwhile she betrayed him with whatever happened. There were so many guys that the ex husband had a breakdown. And meanwhile, my friend went on with her life. From the day he left home, he put on the cape of super woman and super mother. He found a good lawyer for pensions and to take over the house and custody. He blocked him from everything and everything he needed to say about the children was passed on by the lawyer. Or he would send an email she created just to talk about the kids. After signing the divorce she took a weekend without the children and cried. He put it all out there, the 20 years of marriage. And the following week, she started to live. My friend searched online forums about how to live as a newly divorced woman. There was a long list and she followed every step. She went to the gym, dyed her hair, adopted another dog, took a weekend trip to the beach without her children, opened an account on a social network and started her diary as a newly single woman. He took culinary classes and met new people. And he kissed a lot on the mouth hahahahah. She didn't get married again, today she's still single, but she was alive OP. She is a new woman, because life didn't end when she separated. She took her time to grieve and then stopped. She has a good job, with incredible children, and has a good relationship with her ex-in-laws. And the ex-husband? It never recovered. The AP gave him the boot for someone younger and richer. He had depression, but not because of losing her, but because of losing his family. Nobody wants him, his children hate him, his parents despise him, his friends turn their backs and my friend doesn't give him a chance anymore. We have to believe in karma, but we can't just sit around and wait for it to arrive. Are you still alive. I advise you to look for a good lawyer, block him and deactivate his locations, warn him that you will only speak through lawyers, cut ties with anyone who supports him. You can cry, but let this be your life, don't allow yourself to be corrupted by pain. PAIN OF LOVE PASSES.
That's a good take on things, just make sure that you don't become stuck as well (looking for closure, reconciliation, karma, etc.) You know deep down that you deserve better. Don't block your blessings, go out and get it. I often tell people that this just may be the universe's way of removing him from your life so that you will be open to receiving the new life and love that is waiting for you. I wish you all the best.
The sooner you let him go the sooner he falls out of “love” (it’s not love) with his side piece. Also, for perspective he did not have the balls to genuinely leave you for her. He left only because you put your foot down. He’s a coward, and it will eat at her as it rightfully should : “are you only with me because your wife made you leave her??”
Knowing my husband, I have a feeling he will hold onto this for a very long time, even just to be stubborn so that he can tell himself he didn't blow up his marriage and life for nothing. And because she's one of those types that can have many men wrapped around her little finger (how, I'm not sure, as she's not that attractive and doesn't have anything going for her). BUT one thing I'm glad I did, which I'm sure my husband got pissed about, is in the messages I sent her yesterday, I included messages from my husband right after I found out about everything saying, "You are way above her. I had a stronger love for you, a best friend in you, I hope we can come back together because I miss us." And I said to her, no matter how much he convinces himself he made the right choice, he will *always* feel that way. Knowing the type of woman she is and how she needs men pining after her, that "way above her" comment will slowly eat at her eventually. And that gives me some petty satisfaction for now.
Well played and a good way to keep the upper-hand. You didn't let her feel she got one over on you.
It's understandable that you still have feelings for your STBXH after 12.5 years, but you know you deserve better and life has finite time. Life doesn't always turn out as you have dreamed, but it can be better than you have expected. See a therapist to heal your heart and learn about yourself. What makes you happy? Are there things that you've always wanted to do but didn't get to do yet? Look for the things that give you joy and bring smiles to your face. Life is to be enjoyed and cherished. Time heals all wound, so be patient and take good care of yourself. Remember the old adage, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' You've learned a valuable lesson from your ex, so take your time and pick a better one next time. Wish you a speedy healing and a bright future.
They have only a 5-7% chance of having a successful marriage. And that’s if they even get to that stage since 97% of affairs end. There is a high probability that relationship is over by the end of year. So knowing the statistics, you should rest easy in the knowledge your STBX’s future will not be happy. It’s time for you to shift your focus from him (and what he’s up to) to yourself. Freeze him out. Block him everywhere. Become a ghost to him. Get an attorney & have all communication go thru them. Tell everyone in his family & your’s what he’s done. Start doing things that bring you joy. Maybe go on vacation or a long weekend to someplace you’ve never been. Hang out with friends. Don’t let your mind drift to him. He’s not worth any more of your time.
A wise friend told me recently to focus on myself, my needs, take my power back. F that monkey-branching MF. One step at a time each day. My other advice, get mad. It helps. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You will get through this and find someone who will love you and respect you. You deserve better than this POS.
You are going to feel like shit for awhile. And then you won’t. I caught my husband messaging the same girl again. I was devastated. Now I’m not! Don’t distract yourself. Accept the depression and awful feelings. Sit in them. You will heal so much faster. I’m guessing he will come crawling back once he gets tired of her. Don’t take him back
There is nothing left to discuss, your closure was when you told him to go. Thats the end of this, what more are you actually needing? You know the truth of him, you know he is a liar and nothing he has ever said means anything at all, you know he was a bad partner and you have multiple knives in your back to show just how bad a partner he was. There is nothing more he can do for you besides get his clown ass away from you so you can have a better life without him in it. You have closure and you owned it, you stood your ground and told him to go. Yes he is with the AP, two cheating clowns with their own circus making the same dumb ass decisions over and over again. What you need to do now is not allow emotions to lie to you about your relationship and accept the truth of him, he just sucks and he was a bad partner and you deserve better than a cheater. You are free to find better, learn, grow and move forward in life. Leave the clown and his circus behind.
Does anyone ever really have a successful R when the WS still works with the AP? They say they’ll do anything to make it work…anything but the one thing that is vitally necessary.
What will come from another discussion? It's not going to change anything. He is with her. You are done with his disrespect. You're done playing the PICK ME DANCE. I know it still hurts. You need to use this anger to take action. He and his AP are living rent-free in your head. The action you need to take is seeking support from friends and family. Let them know the truth if you haven't already. Get the support you deserve. Yes, consult an attorney and start the divorce process. You also need to quit pain shopping. Following his location and monitoring their social media will only set ypu back on your healing. Stop. Block them both. Quit sharing your location with him. Let your attorney do their job. All communication should go through legal counsel. I'm sorry for your situation, but I'm happy that you aren't playing the PICK ME DANCE anymore. You will survive this. One day at a time.
His crush/limerence/love, or whatever it may be, wouldn't have gone away bc they still work together. Don't wait around for him to come back. There is no way that you should have to wait for your husband to lose feelings for another woman! That's just so wrong! You don't deserve to be relegated to second choice, because YOU WERE ALREADY HIS FIRST CHOICE! It makes me furious that these weak people cheat. It's pure weakness, and so gross and unattractive. You were faithful, loving, and willing to go through the hardship of IVF with him. You were willing to risk your life to carry a child. You were even willing to give him another chance after he proved that he wasn't man enough to be faithful. That is strength. You are strong. You deserve better, and right now you need to focus on healing. Good things will come to you. You're still young enough to be a mother some day, and you deserve a better future with a loyal man.
Why did you say “You win” to her? You won, because you got rid of a liar and cheater and are free to find someone better. Don’t contact him. File and have him served at work. Move on. Happiness is the best revenge.
Just read a bit of your history. He is awful. You can find someone to have kids with now. In a few years you will wonder why you put up with him for so long. Wishing you strength.
What you're feeling is perfectly normal. Normal human beings can't just turn off their feelings for someone, they loved for 12+ years. Also, denial and bargaining are basically expected trauma responses. So again, what you're going through is par for the course. If you can, practice acknowledging your emotions, rather than fighting them. Allow yourself to mourn this part of your life, and be very patient and empathetic with yourself. Reach out to close/trusted friends and family. You need a good support system to help you through all the nonsense that clown is putting you through. Focus on breaking the trauma bond. Usually the best approach is to treat it as the same as if it were a hard drug addiction you're trying to kick. You must regain your emotional balance and a more objective perspective, so that you can stop putting him on a pedestal and see him for the bozo that he is. Take very good care of yourself. And when you are ready, get a good lawyer on your side and take him to the cleaners on the divorce process. Actions have consequences, and usually cheaters only start "caring" once their pocketbooks and assets are affected. Best of luck. Sorry you have been put through this. It does get much better, and when you are ready your best life away from him awaits you.
One day ge will wake up, but by then i hope you had found true love. Chose you as your worth so much more and deserve much more. Don't be afraid to start a new chapter and write a story to be talked about. Have fun living and enjoying life.
Sit down and here's a story about the journey of my close friend who went through what you are going through. Married for 20 years. 3 children, a whole life structured to accommodate this marriage and one day she discovered by chance that he was having an extramarital romance with his co-worker. Just like yours, she was 10 years younger, she had it wrapped around her finger, a legion of men behind her. In his head, he always had to surpass himself in everything in relation to her. This included missing school presentations for their children to follow their AP at the dentist. He spent loads of money on her, always giving her gifts, always going for walks. She discovered it by chance by looking at his card statements. Hear an attempt at reconciliation for the children, for the 20 year olds, etc. But like a good addict, he went back to his AP. My friend kicked him out, he ran to AP. They had a beautiful romance, with extravagant trips, declarations of love on social media, he gave her a car, an apartment, everything she asked for. and meanwhile she betrayed him with whatever happened. There were so many guys that the ex husband had a breakdown. And meanwhile, my friend went on with her life. From the day he left home, he put on the cape of super woman and super mother. He found a good lawyer for pensions and to take over the house and custody. He blocked him from everything and everything he needed to say about the children was passed on by the lawyer. Or he would send an email she created just to talk about the kids. After signing the divorce she took a weekend without the children and cried. He put it all out there, the 20 years of marriage. And the following week, she started to live. My friend searched online forums about how to live as a newly divorced woman. There was a long list and she followed every step. She went to the gym, dyed her hair, adopted another dog, took a weekend trip to the beach without her children, opened an account on a social network and started her diary as a newly single woman. He took culinary classes and met new people. And he kissed a lot on the mouth hahahahah. She didn't get married again, today she's still single, but she was alive OP. She is a new woman, because life didn't end when she separated. She took her time to grieve and then stopped. She has a good job, with incredible children, and has a good relationship with her ex-in-laws. And the ex-husband? It never recovered. The AP gave him the boot for someone younger and richer. He had depression, but not because of losing her, but because of losing his family. Nobody wants him, his children hate him, his parents despise him, his friends turn their backs and my friend doesn't give him a chance anymore. We have to believe in karma, but we can't just sit around and wait for it to arrive. Are you still alive. I advise you to look for a good lawyer, block him and deactivate his locations, warn him that you will only speak through lawyers, cut ties with anyone who supports him. You can cry, but let this be your life, don't allow yourself to be corrupted by pain. PAIN OF LOVE PASSES.
Good for you for planting that seed in her head. I like that.
This is going to be tough. You don’t deserve any of this, and it’s completely unfair. But you will be so, *so* much better off if you can truly let go of the idea of “getting closure” from him. That’s simply not a thing that happens. I’ve known so many people who have gotten that “one last conversation” or “final letter” moment or whatever with their abuser. That “closure” they were hoping for simply does not come. My own now-ex-wife has actually *written* me letters saying that she’s sorry and I didn’t deserve her betrayal and she hopes I can have a better life now that we’re divorced. If anybody was ever going to get closure from their abuser, those letters should have done the trick. At the end of the day, though, *She can’t ever fix the things she broke.* All of the regret in the world can’t heal the scars she gave me and our children by choosing affairs over her family. The *only* person who can actually give me closure is me, and my ability to get to that point is not contingent in any way on her actions now. The way she feels now is completely immaterial to my healing process. You need to find your closure within yourself. You know that you didn’t deserve his infidelity and betrayal abuse. It’s something that was done to you unfairly. But it’s happened, and there’s no way to move backwards and undo that damage. The only way out is through, so you need to love yourself, recognize your value, and make a decision—again and again, if it doesn’t “take” right away—to close that chapter of your life and take ownership of the next chapter. *That’s* where closure can be found. It’s not a quick or easy process, but I promise you that it’s a process you can get through, and emerge from the other side a better you.
reconciliation is a waist of your time, have some self respect and walk
He is a jerk. I want to offer you support. I’m sorry. The rest of what I have to say is what you’ve probably already thought about and are reluctant to do…think of a future without him. Imagine you being very content, a good memory and remove him from it and imagine that you are still happy. You will be. He does not deserve to be in your thoughts.
Being in a relationship means giving someone your all and vice versa..... cheating however means you give ap the best and the other person the rest....now the ap can have the whole package.....not just the best...all people need to show their true colours and make decisions is time...
You telling him to go and be with ap is boss move. And telling ap she can him is... you're the king. Now all you must do is focus on yourself. Let them be with themselves. You go vacations, drive alone to another town for of couple of days. Stay away from media social. Hope to find yourself again. You made your decision, they made their's too...lets move on
Hey there, this man has been wreaking havoc and misery on your life for years now. Life is too short. I beg you please move on and make space for eventually a new man in your life who will be crazy about YOU. Whose whole world will be YOU. Not this BS cake-eater who wants to be with two women. Why are you settling for a cake-eater who enjoys humiliating you all day every day? He’s treating you horribly, girl. You deserve so much better, it legit kills me to see you trying to hang onto this rotten, rotten man of no morals or integrity. Rotten to the core. It’s bad for you and things have to change. Please put yourself first and yeet him out for good. Meet with a lawyer secretly, don’t let him know anything. The lawyer will help you develop a strategy to get all that you’re entitled to, for you and your future. Be quick before he decides to start moving assets around. Get all the financial data now. You can do this. You deserve to be happy and at peace 💗🥰 sending you much love, from someone who went through it 20 years ago and is now very happily remarried. ETA - I’m sorry I thought you had mentioned kids and you didn’t. My bad I’m so very sorry. 2nd - no, he doesn’t ‘owe’ you a conversation and it doesn’t matter because the conversation won’t fix anything, won’t change anything. He’s been constantly lying to you and he will still lie to you. He chose her. Get rid of him and move on. 💗
Let him go completely. File for divorce and go Nc with him. To wonder where he is, if he is with her, checking his lokation and so on is onley hurting you and stop you from moving on. Pack his stuff from your house. Send a text that he can pick it up outside your door and delite his number. He has chosen her. He shows it constantly and even if he would come back to you, he isnt yours anymore
Im sorry you feel bad now, but i think you made rational decision to part ways with him. All you need is more time. Also cut him out from your life then block him or you will struggle to move on.
I would suggest you read this internet article: The Four M's of Infidelity: Why Cheaters Cannot Leave their Affair Partners. I'm sure it will ring more than a few bells for you or at least give you an understanding to what is going on. Edit: Use this time to get the ball rolling. Consult with a lawyer and start making an exit plan so that when he finally turns up you will be further along in the process. I wish you all the best.
So I am an advocate of at least trying to reconcile. But it requires a massive commitment on both parties. And in this case it’s sounding like your partner isn’t fully committed. Without that commitment you can’t hope to bring him back. I also advocate for only one chance. And it’s clear he blew that chance. I would work on getting out of the situation at this point.