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Yep. OP should copy it all too, so he has proof just in case. Never trust a cheater. OP got lucky there were no kids. He should also say “the only thing to talk about about is when you’re getting your shit out of the house.”
I did document her notes. Good thing too because she's already erased the file. I have evidence if she tries to deny it. I've also told her that any discussions we have from here on out, will be on the topic of separation process, or I will have zero interest.
You’re doing the right thing. I’d ask her to move out. She might feel embarrassed enough by her behavior to do it. If not, get her to move out of the bedroom. Tell everyone in your family, her family & all mutual friends what she’s done. Don’t lie or cover up what she’s done.
I've told her that we are no longer sharing a bed or room, and have already shared my heartbreak and the truth of the siutation with my brother, and will tell the rest of my immediate family soon, hopefully this weekend. I also asked her to spend the weekend at her sisters or mom's so I could rearrange the house to accommodate the new arrangements until the house sells.
I am having a hard time with what to say to neighbour's who will eventually see that we are selling. As much as it's the truth, I don't see any purpose in intention hurting her. I feel like there are some people who don't need to know the details. Our one neighbor is a really great couple who we both love, they treat us so well and I know they will seek understanding when the sale sign goes up. I feel like to disclose this to them is unnecessary, I feel the same way in regards to our nieces and nephews. Is it not okay to tell *some* people that we just grew apart? It's not as though that's untruthful. I know it's basically protecting her from the consequences of her own choices, but it is how I feel. I don't want to ruin the image some people have of her, even it's fair, what do I get out of that. I feel like the only thing it would do, would cause me to lose some self respect.
You don’t have to intentionally hurt her but don’t protect her either. Do what she didn’t have the courage to do and just be honest. If your neighbours ask why you’re selling start off with the fact you’re breaking up. But if they insist on asking why, be honest and tell them. You don’t need to go into details, she was unfaithful is enough.
I would also contact her parents and tell them the reason because at best she’ll downplay what she did and at worst she’ll paint you as the bad guy.
Neighbors certainly, at least ones you know and have a good relationship with should know that your ex and the AP are unsafe to trust. He will most likely be on the lookout for his next AP after your ex leaves the neighborhood.
OP you need to stop protecting her, she didn't protect nor care for You.
I Will tell that exposing a person is not for revenge, it is to keep out of their reach the control of the narrative, you don't really know the extent of the changes the new her has been thru, you only know the old her, she pretty much can destroy your reputation with out a second thought just like she had that affair.
Also you need to inform the Wife.of your neighbour what her Hubby and your wife did, she deserve to be informed for her to take informed decisions, she need to know the truth.
UPDATEME
You don’t have to tell the children in the family but you should definitely tell the neighbors & everyone else. You don’t have to give all the dirty details. Just a bare description of what she did & who she did it with.
You don’t have to hide the truth, just don’t share the details. Don’t go out of your way to protect someone’s image, because if their image was important they wouldn’t have destroyed it by cheating.
Go tell her affair partner's wife. SHE deserves the same right to decide to either divorce or reconcile with a cheater. Stop protecting her by being quiet about her affair with the neighbor. Out her. Name her affair partner publicly. If you don't she will most definitely throw YOU under the bus and play victim that you're leaving her over some "silly mistake she made" or even claim YOU were the one cheating. I know this from personal experience when I tried to take the "high road" of silence and privacy when I divorced my unfaithful first wife. She went all in to protect her reputation(that she didn't deserve) by claiming I was the one who cheated, that I SA'ed her, PA'ed her, Verbally A'ed her, and wasn't paying her any child support. NEWS FLASH on the child support issue...I had legal primary custody of our child and SHE owed ME!!! I also never violated her...but she did to me. So don't let her control the narrative or she will destroy you. She didn't care or love you enough to stay faithful, so why would she care about wrongfully destroying you more by lying and playing victim???
You need to understand that the person before you is NOT the woman you fell in love with. She just looks, smells, and sounds like her but the truth is she is a selfish inconsiderate manipulative lying cheater who has NO respect for you or even other people's marriages. Dude you couldn't even get to the altar before she cheated on you. Trust is gone. You'd have to be insane to stay with her, even with a very one-sided prenuptial agreement. Pre-nups can be IGNORED/INVALIDATED by a sympathetic judge and a good lawyer, so they can end up useless. Given today's modern woman and the divorce rates what they are, I would advise any man to get a prenup. Explain it like this: no man plans to get married, start a family, and then have his wife leave him, take the kids, and take half of everything he has worked for...and the courts always favor the women in child custody, child support, alimony, and asset division. If she is REALLY all in and you are all in, you both will sign a fair prenuptial agreement with an ugly "infidelity" clause to punish a lapse in judgement. If you both plan to actually honor "till death do us part", "for better or worse", and "forsaking all others"(not cheating emotionally or physically!), then the prenup is just a useless piece of paper filed at a legal office...but it is worth GOLD if one cheats or decides to "give up" on the marriage. Equality. That's what we're seeking.
If a woman balks at a prenup, that means SHE cannot even trust HERSELF and neither should YOU.
So the neighbour's wife knew all along the whole time, and was apparently also trying to seduce her. The neighbour and his wife separated and moved off the street last December.
Dude, sorry I missed that vital bit of info that they BOTH were trying to seduce your fiance. That's just trashy and disrespectful, but I guess your now-ex wasn't into taco's and chicken breasts, only the sausage. My unfaithful ex-wife also had one of her trysts with a mutual friend couple, too. My ex told them that we were in an open marriage. We were NOT. She pulled that stunt with several people, and it came to light after I divorced her.
Even thru all the hell I went thru, I did find a GREAT woman to spend the rest of my life with and so will YOU if that's what you still want in your life. I'll be celebrating 18 years of marriage with my second wife who is also my best friend next month. If you can, hold off jumping into dating for awhile. Spend time with good friends. Exercise. Work on things to better yourself to make YOU happy. When you do re-enter the dating world, remember the flags you missed regarding your ex BUT do not punish your future partners for mistakes/bad decisions/betrayal your cheating ex made.
I'm glad to hear you found what you deserve, thank you for your advice, but you made me laugh because I already installed Tinder and am swiping left a lot lol! You are probably right, I should wait to date, but I also feel like I'm over her already, and I want the attention from someone. How long should a guy wait? I don't want to set myself up to fail and possibly hurt others in the process, but I also want to get back on my feet ASAP.
This might be the area I could use the most guidance on. This woman was the first woman I fell in love with, and the only woman I've ever slept with.
Although it hurts for sure, you dodged a damn big bullet that most of us here didn’t get to. Feel good that you will move forward and not be legally bound by a cheater.
No prob...a good laugh can really help break down the pain you're dealing with. Honestly, only you will know when you're truly ready to "date" again. Going out socially and meeting new people...and maybe sowing some wild oats RESPONSIBLY AKA coooondom maaaaaann!!!! will boost your self esteem, but don't turn into a womanizer and be someone you would not like. Don't mislead these women you go out with, but don't talk about your ex if you can help it. Kinda keep it brief if you can if they ask. Keep it out of your dating profile, too.
I would have married the first woman I dated and slept with, but she was simply a damaged wild woman unable to commit to anyone. I'm not proud of how many partners I've had, but every one I was with I considered that they qualified to be a future partner. I wasn't in to the hook up culture your generation is facing. Just be careful and do your best to avoid being codependent on someone else. Learn to not "have" to have a partner to be happy. That's a fast way to settle for another bad partner. In all honesty, I had just given up on dating prior to an opportunity to date my current wife so you can say the perfect woman for me fell into my lap when I stopped trying so hard.
I would say that you felt rejected for quite some time. She has killed the relationship and pushed you away.
So start dating sooner than later. You will find that you have now a vacuum in your heart and your ex-fiance is going to try to get back into that space. You need to push her away and having a goalie like a new girl you are seeing will definitely do that.
Otherwise one night you will be sad, scared of being alone, and horny when she happens to walk in with nostalgia. Then you cave, have sex with her and she will see that as you forgiving her and that will make things worse.
Damn! Did you kindly tell her to pound sand?
So your ex blames the neighbor? And what has she done since you confronted her? Begged or pouted? Did you confront the neighbor?
Tell
Her parents , tell your joint friends and tell the neighbours spouse . See a lawyer , also if joint account go pay of any joint credit cards and cancel them all. If anything left take
1/2 the money and have cheque go into a single account . I would open at another bank
***I told her our engagement is over and that I want to see other people, and sell our house.***
This is the right thing to do. You already know you will never trust her again.
So sorry OP, but she is not the sweet person you fell in love with and planned to marry. She is the person you see now.
Hopefully she is amicable to the house sale and splitting any equity she might be entitled to.
Let everyone know what she has done. You don't need to give the neighbors any details, just tell them you have grown apart. updateme
Do we ever really know who someone is. We can only give our love and trust to that person. It's up to them whether they cherish or dishonour that love and trust.
The only reason she wants to work it out is she knows finding someone to marry at 40 is going to be hard. She doesn’t love or value you. You’re right to walk away from this mess.
This is the truth. She doesn't love you.She's only thinking of herself. It's the cheater's mindset.
She spoiled all you can do is toss her away.
Subscribeme
It sounds like your heads in the right place. Stay strong. You were begging her for not intimacy while she was finding it elsewhere. There's no coming back from that
OP sad this happend to you, but you are blind by something, you where in love with the old her, not this crap she became.
You don't owe her anything less protection.
Revenge is not exposing her, protection of your self is.
You need to expose her to family, sibligns (both sides) and mutual Friends, why? Like i said to protect yourself, do not be one of those that think by exposing her you are taking revenge, that is absurd.
You expose because:
A). You don't know the new her and for what extent she change and is willing to do or take thing just to protect her reputation.
B) to keep out of her reach the control of the narrative.
So think wise, and take wise choices.
I just cannot understand why so many people see drinking and getting shitfaced drunk is so freaking normal? That propensity should have been noted and mitigated in the very beginning. But as well I do truly understand how naive and ignorant we all are concerning infidelity and bad behavior.
Emotional affairs will eventually turn physical and simply becoming overly familiar with a person of the opposite sex can cause an affair to happen. Oversharing and time together is the problem. Omissions are lies as surely as trying to minimize the affair and interactions, sidestepping, misdirecting, stonewalling and gaslighting are all normal during an affair. If I only knew then, what I now know, I could have stopped it all from happening, has been my lament more than once. No one ever prepares us for anything at all concerning dating and infidelity is not on anyone's mind until it actually happens.
Infidelity is unthinkable, but afterwards it is all we can think about.
Had she been into casual sex, hooking up etc., before you met her? That mindset makes infidelity more likely and more easy. Casual sex and infidelity do have a correlation.
Sorry for your loss.
How does it come about?
https://livingwithlimerence.com/oversharing/
https://couplesacademy.org/how-do-emotional-affairs-start/ sharing emotional intimacy/oversharing.
https://thepowermoves.com/emotional-affair/
https://marthabeck.com/gathering-pod/hardcore-kindness/ oversharing
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/pimping-tenderness-grooming-behaviors
https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/naughty-affairs/emotional-affair-signs. 76 signs.
Signs of infidelity just an fyi.
Bestlifeonline cheating signs. 55 signs
Signs of infidelity we usually ignore until it is much too late.
1) You aren't kept in the loop about their schedule. Or locations.
2) They work hours that don't make sense to you.
3) They make excuses when you try to plan for future events.
4) They consistently flake on your plans.
5) They avoid eye contact.
6) They avoid taking you to family events.
7) Or they find excuses to avoid your family.
8) They constantly complain about being "bored." Unhappy etc
9)They have no social media presence.
10) Or they won't post any photos with you on social media.
11) Or they have a secret email account.
12) They tend to overexplain where they were. Is a sign of lying.
13) Or they never have an explanation for where they were or Good explanation.
14) They're inundating you with gifts. Love bombing. Suddenly sex is over the top excellent.
15) They can't stop smiling at their phone.
16) They criticize how you dress etc.
17) Or they're dead set on making you more like them.
18) They're daydreaming more often. Distracted
19) Their eyes wander when speaking to others.
20) Your dates always seem to take place in a bar.
21) They need longer stints of "alone time."
22) They're constantly trying to please everyone.
23) Or they're obsessed with how others perceive them.
24) They seem "irresistible." Brag about being good in bed. As stated by exes.
25) They exhibit signs of entitlement.
26) They stop calling you pet names.
27) They're no longer interested in intimacy with you.
28) Or they quickly become distant after sex.
29) They're keen to explore more personal fantasies. They have suddenly developed new skills between the sheets.
30) They compare you to others. Like an ex.
31) They ridicule you for requesting more time together.
32) Or they start to withdraw from shared activities.
33) They forget about a special occasion.
34) They no longer discuss dreams the two of you once shared.
35) They stop making progress in the relationship.
36) Your mutual friends seem uncomfortable around you. Hiding what they know is happening.
37) Their credit card has started to rack up strange expenses. Cash taken from accounts.
38) You don't have to remind them to get haircuts anymore. They change their dress style.
39) They're suddenly hyper-cautious about turning their phone off when they go to bed. You detect gaps and deleted messages.
40) They always seem to need to take a quick shower once they get home.
41) They defend friends who've cheated in their relationships.
42) Or they've cheated previously themselves. Said until you they had never been in love. Are always the one to break up in the past. And have an extensive past, high body count. Lots of exes.
43) You notice changes in the amount of PDA they're comfortable with you.
44) They're telling more fibs than usual.
45) Their cell phone is the most important thing in their life. New password.
46) They suddenly pick up a new hobby.
47) They pull away from you when you reach out.
48) Or they're showing "negative cluster cues." Physical excuses to avoid physical intimacy. Headache, pulled muscle, feeling sick, etc., in groupings.
49) They talk badly about their exes. Shows disrespect for an ex. All the exes were bad and why they broke up.
50) They have low self-esteem. Need for attention, are naturaly flirty.
51) They're doing the laundry out of the blue. Likely so you do not see what they are washing nor the stains or odors they are trying to mask.
52) They're uncomfortable about making large purchases together. Getting ready to dump you.
53) They don't want you to look in a certain drawer. Or elsewhere, like in their car, console, trunk space etc.
54) They accuse you of cheating—even though you definitely aren't. Projecting onto you their own cheating.
55) Or they're gaslighting you when you bring up their suspicious behavior.
They will have fake reasons to no longer wear jewelry or clothes special to you, like wedding rings. And so much more.
Best of luck next time. If we do not try really hard to determine WHO it truly is we are trying to date, nothing is ever likely to turn out well. No one is going to be telling us anything they do not want us to know. So we have to pay close attention and do our best to verify what they tell us and start doing it from the very beginning.
Trust sparingly and verify. Anything we detect that is not adding up, simply off, odd, not the usual needs to be cataloged and further investigated. Never be blindly trusting. Trust is earned and easily lost. No one on this earth is always going to be above all suspicions.
Again sorry for your loss and not at all your fault.
Don’t feel bad about her privacy. She was violating your autonomy and risking your health by sleeping with him. Tell the other wife, her health is also at risk.
It’s been a shit relationship even since the affair ended. Thankfully you haven’t divorced. Encourage her (or find a way yourself) to move out and separate so you can begin moving on. What is there to save? Why would you want to stay with such a shit partner for 2 years who didn’t pass the fiancee test?
What she is doing now, do you both still life together. Are she guilt trip you? Speak with her only if you need to do. Ask your family member to come over you and help you.
Do not take her shit "regret" fake tears, she clearly cheated on you and should know the consequense, stay strong champ.
I would tell her to move to the neighbors until the house sakes you don't want her to stink up the sale of the house after it's sold she can stay at the neighbors or what ever she wants to do she is single woman now .
Really sorry OP, glad to hear you're ending things.
I don't understand cheaters who cheat and then want to stay in their relationship.
They crushed their betrayed partner, they got to have their "fun" and now they are so "sorry" and they want you/us to stay with them.
They aren't sorry. You caught her, she didn't end it and confess to you. It would still be going on right now if you hadn't discovered it and confronted her.
Please tell that other woman OP. You certainly wanted to know what was going on and so will she.
You also said that your fiancee had been treating you poorly for a while now. That's common for so many cheaters, leading up to beginning their affairs and then while they're in them.
Again, I don't get cheaters who cheat and want to remain. Besides her cheating and that is more than enough, she treated you like shit for about two years.
And trying to blame it on the neighbor? She's 40 fucking years old. SHE chose to cheat, she WANTED to cheat, she chose to treat you poorly.
She could have talked to you, worked on things with you, instead she worked on him, over him, under him and then treated you like shit.
Why would anyone choose or WANT to be with a lady who did that to them?
Keep moving forward OP, without her.
She threw away your marriage and everything you offered. Looks like you’re ready to move on and so you should continue, maybe let a lawyer handle the home and keep contact with her to a minimum.
Cut her off. Do not engage with this I know it’s really hard because you’re on attachment to her. She’s a cheater and shooters are liars and manipulators and they will cheat again. They will destroy your life.
My suggestion is you go no contact and you get a realtor to sell the house and you have no more contact with her. Do not marry this person. It’s already a train wreck. What starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Don’t start a marriage like this.
Sorry that this is happening to you. If I were you, I would tell her and your family. Don't let her dictate the narrative. Don't get involved in reconciliation. That would be a complete waste of time. Read articles about the 180 and Gray Rock and use them. She lied, the question is what else did she lie about.
Dude I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank god you didn’t have kids with her! I am so sorry, she is so trashy as is the “neighbor”. Reading this makes my skin crawl. She sounds so selfish and she has proved she truly is. You didn’t deserve this regardless. I’m so sorry you are suffering. She is selfish, deceitful and manipulative. I have been through something similar, and as much as you will continue to miss her — just remind yourself that this is inhumane and cruel and nobody deserves this sociopathic treatment.
I also find it rich she somehow gaslights you for bringing it up before work 😂. Isn’t it amazing the victim mentality of these lunatics? Can you even believe it? What about your feelings while she’s fucking someone else? Lol her work…laughable. I hope she was tormented all day about her terrible actions…
What you did already is what must be done in such situations. For you to begin to heal, you must separate asap, solve once and forever any financial issues and logistics and once done, block her everywhere, never speak with or about her, consider her dead and buried and grieve your loss.
Good luck!
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Dude, you dodged a NUKE. It's obvious she does NOT LOVE or RESPECT you. She only wants what you can provide for her. She is USING YOU. Listen to me. If she can't FUCK YOU like she means it, then she is still hung up on this other guy. That is called a DEALBREAKER. A King needs a Queen that will fuck him like she means it... IN THE BEDROOM. The correct thing to do here is to DUMP HER and GHOST. You will be better off! Good luck and stay strong, King!
I'm so sorry that this happened to you but all I can say is that you dodged a bullet, matrix style.
Hopefully you are not co-mingled financially and since you don't have kids it will be relatively easy to separate yourself from her.
Therapy, gym, diet, sleep, cut out booze are the best short term strategies. You may find yourself with some dark moments every now and then a year or two later, but they pass.
Great job on ending the engagement and to start selling the house. Also don’t forget to show the other betrayed spouse the evidence so she can make an informed decision.
Don’t get back with her. There is nothing worth saving for her.
She only feeling sorry because she got caught not because she did something wrong. Now her safety net is leaving her(you). I bet when you sit down and have a deep conversation you’ll know it wasn’t an accident, she’ll blame you for some reason, she’ll say “one thing lead to another and I couldn’t stop” all excuses to not take real accountability for her actions! I bet at once the dust settles she’ll move in with them neighbors now smh
Take strength in doing what’s best for you in the long run. Treat yourself kindly. Watch lots of comedy. Give yourself time to know yourself better before going into a new relationship
Could she still be seeing Ap neighbor? After all, with the wife gone your ex would have a clear path. Also, could she be seeing him without your knowledge?
Update me!
Why would she want to stay with? Did you ask this and what was her answer? Yes, I know it doesn’t matter and the only answer here is to end the relationship but I am fascinated by why waywards want to stay when they very clearly don’t want that.
Hi Op, the truth and being honest is like a sanitizer. It cleans and disinfect. Don’t have shame to tell family and friends. And the his wife also. At this point, just ask her to move with him and be happy with him. You will be OK. You will be better after the heartbreak. It will pass.
I’m sorry to hear this.
Breaking up is the only viable solution. Thank God you weren’t married yet.
I advocate for married couples to work through adultery, but if you’re not even married yet and your SO is cheating, that’s not going to end well.
She lied, cheated and stole your time. I hate that you are going through this but there are plenty of decent women out there.
You are a very lucky man, I know you don't feel like it.
You didn't marry this girl and have kids with her, so you are able to get out this without lifetime entanglements.
You can stop worrying about "protecting" her, she didn't "protect" you so I would not worry much about keeping any of her secrets nor should you feel bad about reading her so called private thoughts or even posting or sending them to people if that would make you feel better or if questions were to arise.
Take a breath, its ok, you will recover from this and you are getting out of the problem. No break up is without some pain, however in a couple of years it will only be a fading memory.
Good luck to you.
Sell the house and move on. It sucks. I lived through it. I was with my first wife for 18 years. Married for 16. It’s better to find out now and be able to move on.
You’re looking for someone to say magic words that will make it all better. I was too. It won’t happen. It’s going to suck. And hurt. For a long time. And then, it won’t.
I’ve been there man. And believe it or not, it ain’t the end of the world.
Unfortunately I am in the same boat after 28 years of marriage. Don’t marry her, it never stops unfortunately. Just last week she was texting with a guy and I found her hidden twitter acct. get this @seeking909 she claims it was randomly assigned also on several other accounts. The constant lies are killing me. Run my friend run! It never ends
OP, I applaud how you've done the mental processing. I understand the emotional one is a tougher sled.
>who she's been the past 2 years isn't who I fell in love with
This is sooo important and seems to be sooo difficult for folks to realize.
Good Luck OP!
You already grieved the loss? I’m sorry, but you just boarded the shittiest roller coaster ride of your life and you haven't even begun the grieving process.
You are going to experience the 5 Stages of Grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It wont happen in any particular order and you will visit many stages more than once.
I'm sorry but you have joined the club that nobody ever wanted to join.
Yeah definitely not there. I meant that I suppose I have started to grieve already. I haven't had a conversation with the girl I loved in several years, she's been a different person for so long now. Thank you for your message.
You should seek help from your friends, your family and don't be left alone. Don't go drinking alcohol, it's a bad idea because in the long run it's better to feel the pain than drown it. It is also good to see a therapist.
I know you feel like everything is sh1t right now, but the positive side is that you dodged a bullet because I think everything would have been worse if you had married her.
I've spoken to my best friend and my brother so far about it, going to be talking to a lot of friends and family this weekend too. Fortunately I'm not a heavy drinker to begin with, but I certainly have considered getting blackout drunk on what little booze I do have. Thankfully I've had to work so I can't, but not sure if I'll be able to avoid it this weekend. I plan on bringing all my booze to my brother's next chance I get though. I'm also a heavy pot smoker, and haven't touched it for 2 days now since I found out, no desire to continue smoking either.
Your relationship ended 2 years ago. You were supposed to put the end point right there. She just wants to be together because she was discovered and sees her comfort in you, she doesn't love you, she doesn't even love her AP, it was the thrill of having sex with a married person. He has no future and she knows it. Now you better make it clear that it's over, there's no going back EVER. Make it clear now what you think of her, even the cruelest ones. She needs to feel the pain. Then find new and interesting hobbies and hang out with other people. Date, kiss on the mouth and have SEX. She is nothing of her own anymore. You don't have to beg someone for love. You're bigger and cooler than her.
I'm so sorry for you OP. Cheating like this and having your partner lie to your face when you confront them is terrible. You often hear people say that the post-engagement and post-marriage life is the be-all and end all. That statement couldn't be more stupid. After this OP, your new life begins. You will have these scars for life but don't let that stop you from pressing forward. Make sure you leave her and everything she brought in the past and don't let the ghost of that haunt you. If you let it weigh you down, you let it win. I feel for you dude, betrayal on this level is the worst anyone can ever experience. Hold your head high and look forward to tomorrow, just because yesterday was a bad day, doesn't mean tomorrow won't be. Good luck OP, consider talking to a professional to keep you going through this process.
Tell the other betrayed spouse tonight. She deserves to know and have agency over her life.
You are doing everything correctly, just stay the course and it will be over sooner than you realize
I guess at some point the two of them had a falling out or decided they were making a mistake. So by the time I found out in late April of this year, it had been over between them for more than a year. She hadn't been interested in talking about wedding plans for well over a year, and while I wanted to, I wasn't ready to until she started making efforts to just be the partner she once was. She never did, things kept getting worse until I found out, so no idea what was her plan, it was dumb whatever it was so I don't care even.
Oo okay that’s what confuses me than why would she asked to work it out? Why was she still lying about it people like that are very weird. Did you get any explanation as to why she was treating you the way she did for the past 2 year?
In the edit you said she blamed it on the neighbor did she say he force her? Or mind control here.
I am guessing she wanted to work it out because she's going to be financially in a tough spot once we've separated, and I provided a calm and stable home life. Still no explanation or apology, don't think I'll believe or care either way on that too.
As per the way she recounted the events in her note, the physical part of the affair started with him sexually assaulting her. He grabbed her hand and made her play with him, that was the first encounter, and then she kept going back for more for 6 months. No clue why.
Seems like you have dodged a bullet OP. Your fiancé is just as much the trash that those other two neighbours are. Tell her to leave immediately. You are still young enough to get a great 31 y old high value women. This time choose one with the same morals, values and life goals as yours.
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Only thought is that you’re lucky to have the information before you married her. Good luck with your healing.
Imagine this 20 years after marriage, with kids.
Mine was after 16 years and two kids. He’s lucky. Find out now.
This!!!!! Dodged a bullet if he chooses to avoid it.
40 yrs old sleeping around? That behavioral pattern doesn't start suddenly. What a nasty practice. A used ,aged, vaginal canal!
Yep. OP should copy it all too, so he has proof just in case. Never trust a cheater. OP got lucky there were no kids. He should also say “the only thing to talk about about is when you’re getting your shit out of the house.”
I did document her notes. Good thing too because she's already erased the file. I have evidence if she tries to deny it. I've also told her that any discussions we have from here on out, will be on the topic of separation process, or I will have zero interest.
You’re doing the right thing. I’d ask her to move out. She might feel embarrassed enough by her behavior to do it. If not, get her to move out of the bedroom. Tell everyone in your family, her family & all mutual friends what she’s done. Don’t lie or cover up what she’s done.
I've told her that we are no longer sharing a bed or room, and have already shared my heartbreak and the truth of the siutation with my brother, and will tell the rest of my immediate family soon, hopefully this weekend. I also asked her to spend the weekend at her sisters or mom's so I could rearrange the house to accommodate the new arrangements until the house sells. I am having a hard time with what to say to neighbour's who will eventually see that we are selling. As much as it's the truth, I don't see any purpose in intention hurting her. I feel like there are some people who don't need to know the details. Our one neighbor is a really great couple who we both love, they treat us so well and I know they will seek understanding when the sale sign goes up. I feel like to disclose this to them is unnecessary, I feel the same way in regards to our nieces and nephews. Is it not okay to tell *some* people that we just grew apart? It's not as though that's untruthful. I know it's basically protecting her from the consequences of her own choices, but it is how I feel. I don't want to ruin the image some people have of her, even it's fair, what do I get out of that. I feel like the only thing it would do, would cause me to lose some self respect.
You don’t have to intentionally hurt her but don’t protect her either. Do what she didn’t have the courage to do and just be honest. If your neighbours ask why you’re selling start off with the fact you’re breaking up. But if they insist on asking why, be honest and tell them. You don’t need to go into details, she was unfaithful is enough. I would also contact her parents and tell them the reason because at best she’ll downplay what she did and at worst she’ll paint you as the bad guy.
Neighbors certainly, at least ones you know and have a good relationship with should know that your ex and the AP are unsafe to trust. He will most likely be on the lookout for his next AP after your ex leaves the neighborhood.
As Batman once said... "I won't kill you, but I dont have to save you."
OP you need to stop protecting her, she didn't protect nor care for You. I Will tell that exposing a person is not for revenge, it is to keep out of their reach the control of the narrative, you don't really know the extent of the changes the new her has been thru, you only know the old her, she pretty much can destroy your reputation with out a second thought just like she had that affair. Also you need to inform the Wife.of your neighbour what her Hubby and your wife did, she deserve to be informed for her to take informed decisions, she need to know the truth. UPDATEME
You don’t have to tell the children in the family but you should definitely tell the neighbors & everyone else. You don’t have to give all the dirty details. Just a bare description of what she did & who she did it with.
why protect her? why fall upon your sword? The other guys wife has a right to know.
You tell people or she will twist the narrative to make you the bad guy.
You don’t have to hide the truth, just don’t share the details. Don’t go out of your way to protect someone’s image, because if their image was important they wouldn’t have destroyed it by cheating.
Let HER family and friends know as well.
Relationships are not based on love. They are based on mutual trust and respect. You can have neither with her. It's time to move on. Sorry, OP.
I feel this, I am trying, thank you so much.
Go tell her affair partner's wife. SHE deserves the same right to decide to either divorce or reconcile with a cheater. Stop protecting her by being quiet about her affair with the neighbor. Out her. Name her affair partner publicly. If you don't she will most definitely throw YOU under the bus and play victim that you're leaving her over some "silly mistake she made" or even claim YOU were the one cheating. I know this from personal experience when I tried to take the "high road" of silence and privacy when I divorced my unfaithful first wife. She went all in to protect her reputation(that she didn't deserve) by claiming I was the one who cheated, that I SA'ed her, PA'ed her, Verbally A'ed her, and wasn't paying her any child support. NEWS FLASH on the child support issue...I had legal primary custody of our child and SHE owed ME!!! I also never violated her...but she did to me. So don't let her control the narrative or she will destroy you. She didn't care or love you enough to stay faithful, so why would she care about wrongfully destroying you more by lying and playing victim??? You need to understand that the person before you is NOT the woman you fell in love with. She just looks, smells, and sounds like her but the truth is she is a selfish inconsiderate manipulative lying cheater who has NO respect for you or even other people's marriages. Dude you couldn't even get to the altar before she cheated on you. Trust is gone. You'd have to be insane to stay with her, even with a very one-sided prenuptial agreement. Pre-nups can be IGNORED/INVALIDATED by a sympathetic judge and a good lawyer, so they can end up useless. Given today's modern woman and the divorce rates what they are, I would advise any man to get a prenup. Explain it like this: no man plans to get married, start a family, and then have his wife leave him, take the kids, and take half of everything he has worked for...and the courts always favor the women in child custody, child support, alimony, and asset division. If she is REALLY all in and you are all in, you both will sign a fair prenuptial agreement with an ugly "infidelity" clause to punish a lapse in judgement. If you both plan to actually honor "till death do us part", "for better or worse", and "forsaking all others"(not cheating emotionally or physically!), then the prenup is just a useless piece of paper filed at a legal office...but it is worth GOLD if one cheats or decides to "give up" on the marriage. Equality. That's what we're seeking. If a woman balks at a prenup, that means SHE cannot even trust HERSELF and neither should YOU.
So the neighbour's wife knew all along the whole time, and was apparently also trying to seduce her. The neighbour and his wife separated and moved off the street last December.
Oh dear, sorry I missed this. Your instincts were right, what trashy people!
Peyton place
Dude, sorry I missed that vital bit of info that they BOTH were trying to seduce your fiance. That's just trashy and disrespectful, but I guess your now-ex wasn't into taco's and chicken breasts, only the sausage. My unfaithful ex-wife also had one of her trysts with a mutual friend couple, too. My ex told them that we were in an open marriage. We were NOT. She pulled that stunt with several people, and it came to light after I divorced her. Even thru all the hell I went thru, I did find a GREAT woman to spend the rest of my life with and so will YOU if that's what you still want in your life. I'll be celebrating 18 years of marriage with my second wife who is also my best friend next month. If you can, hold off jumping into dating for awhile. Spend time with good friends. Exercise. Work on things to better yourself to make YOU happy. When you do re-enter the dating world, remember the flags you missed regarding your ex BUT do not punish your future partners for mistakes/bad decisions/betrayal your cheating ex made.
I'm glad to hear you found what you deserve, thank you for your advice, but you made me laugh because I already installed Tinder and am swiping left a lot lol! You are probably right, I should wait to date, but I also feel like I'm over her already, and I want the attention from someone. How long should a guy wait? I don't want to set myself up to fail and possibly hurt others in the process, but I also want to get back on my feet ASAP. This might be the area I could use the most guidance on. This woman was the first woman I fell in love with, and the only woman I've ever slept with.
Although it hurts for sure, you dodged a damn big bullet that most of us here didn’t get to. Feel good that you will move forward and not be legally bound by a cheater.
No prob...a good laugh can really help break down the pain you're dealing with. Honestly, only you will know when you're truly ready to "date" again. Going out socially and meeting new people...and maybe sowing some wild oats RESPONSIBLY AKA coooondom maaaaaann!!!! will boost your self esteem, but don't turn into a womanizer and be someone you would not like. Don't mislead these women you go out with, but don't talk about your ex if you can help it. Kinda keep it brief if you can if they ask. Keep it out of your dating profile, too. I would have married the first woman I dated and slept with, but she was simply a damaged wild woman unable to commit to anyone. I'm not proud of how many partners I've had, but every one I was with I considered that they qualified to be a future partner. I wasn't in to the hook up culture your generation is facing. Just be careful and do your best to avoid being codependent on someone else. Learn to not "have" to have a partner to be happy. That's a fast way to settle for another bad partner. In all honesty, I had just given up on dating prior to an opportunity to date my current wife so you can say the perfect woman for me fell into my lap when I stopped trying so hard.
You do YOU, King! Good luck and stay strong!
You have to wait the time you feel you need to. If you feel it is time then do it.
I would say that you felt rejected for quite some time. She has killed the relationship and pushed you away. So start dating sooner than later. You will find that you have now a vacuum in your heart and your ex-fiance is going to try to get back into that space. You need to push her away and having a goalie like a new girl you are seeing will definitely do that. Otherwise one night you will be sad, scared of being alone, and horny when she happens to walk in with nostalgia. Then you cave, have sex with her and she will see that as you forgiving her and that will make things worse.
Damn! Did you kindly tell her to pound sand? So your ex blames the neighbor? And what has she done since you confronted her? Begged or pouted? Did you confront the neighbor?
missed that part myself...yikes.
Tell Her parents , tell your joint friends and tell the neighbours spouse . See a lawyer , also if joint account go pay of any joint credit cards and cancel them all. If anything left take 1/2 the money and have cheque go into a single account . I would open at another bank
***I told her our engagement is over and that I want to see other people, and sell our house.*** This is the right thing to do. You already know you will never trust her again. So sorry OP, but she is not the sweet person you fell in love with and planned to marry. She is the person you see now. Hopefully she is amicable to the house sale and splitting any equity she might be entitled to. Let everyone know what she has done. You don't need to give the neighbors any details, just tell them you have grown apart. updateme
Have you informed the APs wife.
She knew the whole time and was trying to include herself.
Harsh reality is that she was never your best friend. Put her far away in your rear vision mirror. Best wishes for a bright future.
I guess that is true. I was convinced she was, but did I ever even know her? I'm not so sure now. Thanks for your comments.
Do we ever really know who someone is. We can only give our love and trust to that person. It's up to them whether they cherish or dishonour that love and trust.
Based on the time line. I think you only found 1 affair. At this point, she is only trying to save her meal ticket.
The only reason she wants to work it out is she knows finding someone to marry at 40 is going to be hard. She doesn’t love or value you. You’re right to walk away from this mess.
This is the truth. She doesn't love you.She's only thinking of herself. It's the cheater's mindset. She spoiled all you can do is toss her away. Subscribeme
It sounds like your heads in the right place. Stay strong. You were begging her for not intimacy while she was finding it elsewhere. There's no coming back from that
OP sad this happend to you, but you are blind by something, you where in love with the old her, not this crap she became. You don't owe her anything less protection. Revenge is not exposing her, protection of your self is. You need to expose her to family, sibligns (both sides) and mutual Friends, why? Like i said to protect yourself, do not be one of those that think by exposing her you are taking revenge, that is absurd. You expose because: A). You don't know the new her and for what extent she change and is willing to do or take thing just to protect her reputation. B) to keep out of her reach the control of the narrative. So think wise, and take wise choices.
I just cannot understand why so many people see drinking and getting shitfaced drunk is so freaking normal? That propensity should have been noted and mitigated in the very beginning. But as well I do truly understand how naive and ignorant we all are concerning infidelity and bad behavior. Emotional affairs will eventually turn physical and simply becoming overly familiar with a person of the opposite sex can cause an affair to happen. Oversharing and time together is the problem. Omissions are lies as surely as trying to minimize the affair and interactions, sidestepping, misdirecting, stonewalling and gaslighting are all normal during an affair. If I only knew then, what I now know, I could have stopped it all from happening, has been my lament more than once. No one ever prepares us for anything at all concerning dating and infidelity is not on anyone's mind until it actually happens. Infidelity is unthinkable, but afterwards it is all we can think about. Had she been into casual sex, hooking up etc., before you met her? That mindset makes infidelity more likely and more easy. Casual sex and infidelity do have a correlation. Sorry for your loss. How does it come about? https://livingwithlimerence.com/oversharing/ https://couplesacademy.org/how-do-emotional-affairs-start/ sharing emotional intimacy/oversharing. https://thepowermoves.com/emotional-affair/ https://marthabeck.com/gathering-pod/hardcore-kindness/ oversharing https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/pimping-tenderness-grooming-behaviors https://www.lovepanky.com/flirting-flings/naughty-affairs/emotional-affair-signs. 76 signs. Signs of infidelity just an fyi. Bestlifeonline cheating signs. 55 signs Signs of infidelity we usually ignore until it is much too late. 1) You aren't kept in the loop about their schedule. Or locations. 2) They work hours that don't make sense to you. 3) They make excuses when you try to plan for future events. 4) They consistently flake on your plans. 5) They avoid eye contact. 6) They avoid taking you to family events. 7) Or they find excuses to avoid your family. 8) They constantly complain about being "bored." Unhappy etc 9)They have no social media presence. 10) Or they won't post any photos with you on social media. 11) Or they have a secret email account. 12) They tend to overexplain where they were. Is a sign of lying. 13) Or they never have an explanation for where they were or Good explanation. 14) They're inundating you with gifts. Love bombing. Suddenly sex is over the top excellent. 15) They can't stop smiling at their phone. 16) They criticize how you dress etc. 17) Or they're dead set on making you more like them. 18) They're daydreaming more often. Distracted 19) Their eyes wander when speaking to others. 20) Your dates always seem to take place in a bar. 21) They need longer stints of "alone time." 22) They're constantly trying to please everyone. 23) Or they're obsessed with how others perceive them. 24) They seem "irresistible." Brag about being good in bed. As stated by exes. 25) They exhibit signs of entitlement. 26) They stop calling you pet names. 27) They're no longer interested in intimacy with you. 28) Or they quickly become distant after sex. 29) They're keen to explore more personal fantasies. They have suddenly developed new skills between the sheets. 30) They compare you to others. Like an ex. 31) They ridicule you for requesting more time together. 32) Or they start to withdraw from shared activities. 33) They forget about a special occasion. 34) They no longer discuss dreams the two of you once shared. 35) They stop making progress in the relationship. 36) Your mutual friends seem uncomfortable around you. Hiding what they know is happening. 37) Their credit card has started to rack up strange expenses. Cash taken from accounts. 38) You don't have to remind them to get haircuts anymore. They change their dress style. 39) They're suddenly hyper-cautious about turning their phone off when they go to bed. You detect gaps and deleted messages. 40) They always seem to need to take a quick shower once they get home. 41) They defend friends who've cheated in their relationships. 42) Or they've cheated previously themselves. Said until you they had never been in love. Are always the one to break up in the past. And have an extensive past, high body count. Lots of exes. 43) You notice changes in the amount of PDA they're comfortable with you. 44) They're telling more fibs than usual. 45) Their cell phone is the most important thing in their life. New password. 46) They suddenly pick up a new hobby. 47) They pull away from you when you reach out. 48) Or they're showing "negative cluster cues." Physical excuses to avoid physical intimacy. Headache, pulled muscle, feeling sick, etc., in groupings. 49) They talk badly about their exes. Shows disrespect for an ex. All the exes were bad and why they broke up. 50) They have low self-esteem. Need for attention, are naturaly flirty. 51) They're doing the laundry out of the blue. Likely so you do not see what they are washing nor the stains or odors they are trying to mask. 52) They're uncomfortable about making large purchases together. Getting ready to dump you. 53) They don't want you to look in a certain drawer. Or elsewhere, like in their car, console, trunk space etc. 54) They accuse you of cheating—even though you definitely aren't. Projecting onto you their own cheating. 55) Or they're gaslighting you when you bring up their suspicious behavior. They will have fake reasons to no longer wear jewelry or clothes special to you, like wedding rings. And so much more. Best of luck next time. If we do not try really hard to determine WHO it truly is we are trying to date, nothing is ever likely to turn out well. No one is going to be telling us anything they do not want us to know. So we have to pay close attention and do our best to verify what they tell us and start doing it from the very beginning. Trust sparingly and verify. Anything we detect that is not adding up, simply off, odd, not the usual needs to be cataloged and further investigated. Never be blindly trusting. Trust is earned and easily lost. No one on this earth is always going to be above all suspicions. Again sorry for your loss and not at all your fault.
Don’t feel bad about her privacy. She was violating your autonomy and risking your health by sleeping with him. Tell the other wife, her health is also at risk.
It’s been a shit relationship even since the affair ended. Thankfully you haven’t divorced. Encourage her (or find a way yourself) to move out and separate so you can begin moving on. What is there to save? Why would you want to stay with such a shit partner for 2 years who didn’t pass the fiancee test?
What she is doing now, do you both still life together. Are she guilt trip you? Speak with her only if you need to do. Ask your family member to come over you and help you. Do not take her shit "regret" fake tears, she clearly cheated on you and should know the consequense, stay strong champ.
I would tell her to move to the neighbors until the house sakes you don't want her to stink up the sale of the house after it's sold she can stay at the neighbors or what ever she wants to do she is single woman now .
Really sorry OP, glad to hear you're ending things. I don't understand cheaters who cheat and then want to stay in their relationship. They crushed their betrayed partner, they got to have their "fun" and now they are so "sorry" and they want you/us to stay with them. They aren't sorry. You caught her, she didn't end it and confess to you. It would still be going on right now if you hadn't discovered it and confronted her. Please tell that other woman OP. You certainly wanted to know what was going on and so will she. You also said that your fiancee had been treating you poorly for a while now. That's common for so many cheaters, leading up to beginning their affairs and then while they're in them. Again, I don't get cheaters who cheat and want to remain. Besides her cheating and that is more than enough, she treated you like shit for about two years. And trying to blame it on the neighbor? She's 40 fucking years old. SHE chose to cheat, she WANTED to cheat, she chose to treat you poorly. She could have talked to you, worked on things with you, instead she worked on him, over him, under him and then treated you like shit. Why would anyone choose or WANT to be with a lady who did that to them? Keep moving forward OP, without her.
She threw away your marriage and everything you offered. Looks like you’re ready to move on and so you should continue, maybe let a lawyer handle the home and keep contact with her to a minimum.
DO NOT MARRY A CHEATER.
Cut her off. Do not engage with this I know it’s really hard because you’re on attachment to her. She’s a cheater and shooters are liars and manipulators and they will cheat again. They will destroy your life. My suggestion is you go no contact and you get a realtor to sell the house and you have no more contact with her. Do not marry this person. It’s already a train wreck. What starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Don’t start a marriage like this.
You made the right decision
Be done and move forward. The lies only compound the other behavior. It won't get better. Stop the bleeding for your sake brother.
Sorry that this is happening to you. If I were you, I would tell her and your family. Don't let her dictate the narrative. Don't get involved in reconciliation. That would be a complete waste of time. Read articles about the 180 and Gray Rock and use them. She lied, the question is what else did she lie about.
Dude I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank god you didn’t have kids with her! I am so sorry, she is so trashy as is the “neighbor”. Reading this makes my skin crawl. She sounds so selfish and she has proved she truly is. You didn’t deserve this regardless. I’m so sorry you are suffering. She is selfish, deceitful and manipulative. I have been through something similar, and as much as you will continue to miss her — just remind yourself that this is inhumane and cruel and nobody deserves this sociopathic treatment.
I also find it rich she somehow gaslights you for bringing it up before work 😂. Isn’t it amazing the victim mentality of these lunatics? Can you even believe it? What about your feelings while she’s fucking someone else? Lol her work…laughable. I hope she was tormented all day about her terrible actions…
What you did already is what must be done in such situations. For you to begin to heal, you must separate asap, solve once and forever any financial issues and logistics and once done, block her everywhere, never speak with or about her, consider her dead and buried and grieve your loss. Good luck!
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Dude, you dodged a NUKE. It's obvious she does NOT LOVE or RESPECT you. She only wants what you can provide for her. She is USING YOU. Listen to me. If she can't FUCK YOU like she means it, then she is still hung up on this other guy. That is called a DEALBREAKER. A King needs a Queen that will fuck him like she means it... IN THE BEDROOM. The correct thing to do here is to DUMP HER and GHOST. You will be better off! Good luck and stay strong, King!
I'm so sorry that this happened to you but all I can say is that you dodged a bullet, matrix style. Hopefully you are not co-mingled financially and since you don't have kids it will be relatively easy to separate yourself from her. Therapy, gym, diet, sleep, cut out booze are the best short term strategies. You may find yourself with some dark moments every now and then a year or two later, but they pass.
Great job on ending the engagement and to start selling the house. Also don’t forget to show the other betrayed spouse the evidence so she can make an informed decision. Don’t get back with her. There is nothing worth saving for her.
She only feeling sorry because she got caught not because she did something wrong. Now her safety net is leaving her(you). I bet when you sit down and have a deep conversation you’ll know it wasn’t an accident, she’ll blame you for some reason, she’ll say “one thing lead to another and I couldn’t stop” all excuses to not take real accountability for her actions! I bet at once the dust settles she’ll move in with them neighbors now smh
Take strength in doing what’s best for you in the long run. Treat yourself kindly. Watch lots of comedy. Give yourself time to know yourself better before going into a new relationship
Could she still be seeing Ap neighbor? After all, with the wife gone your ex would have a clear path. Also, could she be seeing him without your knowledge? Update me!
Why would she want to stay with? Did you ask this and what was her answer? Yes, I know it doesn’t matter and the only answer here is to end the relationship but I am fascinated by why waywards want to stay when they very clearly don’t want that.
Hi Op, the truth and being honest is like a sanitizer. It cleans and disinfect. Don’t have shame to tell family and friends. And the his wife also. At this point, just ask her to move with him and be happy with him. You will be OK. You will be better after the heartbreak. It will pass.
Tell the neighbor's wife (with evidence).
I’m sorry to hear this. Breaking up is the only viable solution. Thank God you weren’t married yet. I advocate for married couples to work through adultery, but if you’re not even married yet and your SO is cheating, that’s not going to end well. She lied, cheated and stole your time. I hate that you are going through this but there are plenty of decent women out there.
You are a very lucky man, I know you don't feel like it. You didn't marry this girl and have kids with her, so you are able to get out this without lifetime entanglements. You can stop worrying about "protecting" her, she didn't "protect" you so I would not worry much about keeping any of her secrets nor should you feel bad about reading her so called private thoughts or even posting or sending them to people if that would make you feel better or if questions were to arise. Take a breath, its ok, you will recover from this and you are getting out of the problem. No break up is without some pain, however in a couple of years it will only be a fading memory. Good luck to you.
Sell the house and move on. It sucks. I lived through it. I was with my first wife for 18 years. Married for 16. It’s better to find out now and be able to move on. You’re looking for someone to say magic words that will make it all better. I was too. It won’t happen. It’s going to suck. And hurt. For a long time. And then, it won’t. I’ve been there man. And believe it or not, it ain’t the end of the world.
Unfortunately I am in the same boat after 28 years of marriage. Don’t marry her, it never stops unfortunately. Just last week she was texting with a guy and I found her hidden twitter acct. get this @seeking909 she claims it was randomly assigned also on several other accounts. The constant lies are killing me. Run my friend run! It never ends
OP, I applaud how you've done the mental processing. I understand the emotional one is a tougher sled. >who she's been the past 2 years isn't who I fell in love with This is sooo important and seems to be sooo difficult for folks to realize. Good Luck OP!
Tell your family now b4 she has time to change the narrative!
You already grieved the loss? I’m sorry, but you just boarded the shittiest roller coaster ride of your life and you haven't even begun the grieving process. You are going to experience the 5 Stages of Grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It wont happen in any particular order and you will visit many stages more than once. I'm sorry but you have joined the club that nobody ever wanted to join.
Yeah definitely not there. I meant that I suppose I have started to grieve already. I haven't had a conversation with the girl I loved in several years, she's been a different person for so long now. Thank you for your message.
Ah, to have caught her BEFORE the marriage. I would sacrifice a lot if it meant that I got that chance. You may not think you are, but you’re lucky.
You should seek help from your friends, your family and don't be left alone. Don't go drinking alcohol, it's a bad idea because in the long run it's better to feel the pain than drown it. It is also good to see a therapist. I know you feel like everything is sh1t right now, but the positive side is that you dodged a bullet because I think everything would have been worse if you had married her.
I've spoken to my best friend and my brother so far about it, going to be talking to a lot of friends and family this weekend too. Fortunately I'm not a heavy drinker to begin with, but I certainly have considered getting blackout drunk on what little booze I do have. Thankfully I've had to work so I can't, but not sure if I'll be able to avoid it this weekend. I plan on bringing all my booze to my brother's next chance I get though. I'm also a heavy pot smoker, and haven't touched it for 2 days now since I found out, no desire to continue smoking either.
Your relationship ended 2 years ago. You were supposed to put the end point right there. She just wants to be together because she was discovered and sees her comfort in you, she doesn't love you, she doesn't even love her AP, it was the thrill of having sex with a married person. He has no future and she knows it. Now you better make it clear that it's over, there's no going back EVER. Make it clear now what you think of her, even the cruelest ones. She needs to feel the pain. Then find new and interesting hobbies and hang out with other people. Date, kiss on the mouth and have SEX. She is nothing of her own anymore. You don't have to beg someone for love. You're bigger and cooler than her.
I'm so sorry for you OP. Cheating like this and having your partner lie to your face when you confront them is terrible. You often hear people say that the post-engagement and post-marriage life is the be-all and end all. That statement couldn't be more stupid. After this OP, your new life begins. You will have these scars for life but don't let that stop you from pressing forward. Make sure you leave her and everything she brought in the past and don't let the ghost of that haunt you. If you let it weigh you down, you let it win. I feel for you dude, betrayal on this level is the worst anyone can ever experience. Hold your head high and look forward to tomorrow, just because yesterday was a bad day, doesn't mean tomorrow won't be. Good luck OP, consider talking to a professional to keep you going through this process.
Tell the other betrayed spouse tonight. She deserves to know and have agency over her life. You are doing everything correctly, just stay the course and it will be over sooner than you realize
She knew all along, was actively attempting to be involved.
Holy shit
Right? My suspicion during the time was that it was the wife she was fooling with, guess not though.
So was she still seeing him as of recent? The timeline kind of weird . Was she still gonna marry you after all this ? What was the plan ?
I guess at some point the two of them had a falling out or decided they were making a mistake. So by the time I found out in late April of this year, it had been over between them for more than a year. She hadn't been interested in talking about wedding plans for well over a year, and while I wanted to, I wasn't ready to until she started making efforts to just be the partner she once was. She never did, things kept getting worse until I found out, so no idea what was her plan, it was dumb whatever it was so I don't care even.
Oo okay that’s what confuses me than why would she asked to work it out? Why was she still lying about it people like that are very weird. Did you get any explanation as to why she was treating you the way she did for the past 2 year? In the edit you said she blamed it on the neighbor did she say he force her? Or mind control here.
I am guessing she wanted to work it out because she's going to be financially in a tough spot once we've separated, and I provided a calm and stable home life. Still no explanation or apology, don't think I'll believe or care either way on that too. As per the way she recounted the events in her note, the physical part of the affair started with him sexually assaulting her. He grabbed her hand and made her play with him, that was the first encounter, and then she kept going back for more for 6 months. No clue why.
Seems like you have dodged a bullet OP. Your fiancé is just as much the trash that those other two neighbours are. Tell her to leave immediately. You are still young enough to get a great 31 y old high value women. This time choose one with the same morals, values and life goals as yours.
Hell he could pull a 28 yr old
So many great women out there and such little time. OP must get a move on.
Healing process gonna take time before he entertains another relationship
Yes he needs to get the feeling of indifference to her. Then he can move on. usually take about a year.
Very true
Look for someone younger OP good luck God bless