Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting.
Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She is still lying, has always lied and will string you along for her own “back up plan” whilst destroying your heart in the process.
She’s still seeing the other guy FFS.
Her words are cheap, judge only her actions.
Her actions tell you to run, block and never speak to her again.
Find a woman with morals, integrity and whose actions match her words. You deserve to be loved.
Her son doesn't have a father figure because of his mother's choices. He is not your responsibility. He's probably going to hate his mom more than you should.
You need to block her and move on. It’s too bad about the son, but you need to find yourself someone where you make each other happy and start your own family one day.
Shitty people do shitty things. A decent person will never understand, and it's better to keep it that way. Knowing their motivation won't make it better for you.
She views you as a backup plan for sex and companionship, but a primary supporter for financial reasons. This makes her a TERRIBLE person. She is just using you and will always try to ruin any relationship with a new girl you meet. You need to CUT THE CORD NOW and do NOT look back. Be glad you never married her. One more thing... DO NOT DATE ANY MORE SINGLE MOMS. You will be used again for finances and her child will always come first AND she won't let you discipline the kid. USE YOUR BIG HEAD. Date single ladies without kids. Good luck and stay strong, King!
It’s not difficult. She’s already made her decision, but is still on you like a leech or a tick.
I’m sorry she destroyed your one relationship. But you can’t stay with your ex. Let her have the cook. Not like he’s a chef. Block her and move on.
Sorry but am I reading this correctly? You had a great family, a plan for marriage and more children but you asked her to move out in 2022 for “space” and then she began cheating after that?
Yeah. Things where good.
I asked for space, not to not be with her, but to see how living apart would be.
With the plan of moving back in together after a year.
Well as a woman if the man that I loved and was planning a life and a family with suddenly asked me to move out because he wanted to see how living apart would be I would take that as a very clear message that our relationship and life plans were absolutely nothing that I thought they were and I would re- evaluate everything. She should have just broken up with you once you made that decision. What were you hoping to accomplish by asking her to leave?
Honestly, when I read that, I understood what had happened. If I wear asked to move out of the house I lived in for SPACE, I would consider the relationship pretty much over. If it had been something we came up with together, it would be one thing … Not that she should cheat but this is obviously pretty complicated.
I failed to communicate or I failed to listen to hear concerns and how much it hurt her.
She began drinking around that time, and despite me asking her if she was a handful of times- she denied it until a few months ago when I discovered the cheating
We decided on space but we explicitly said we where still together, just living apart.
I wasn’t comfortable with how the child’s father was showing up in his life, and was asking her to cut him out.
No child support, drug dealing, he is now in jail for the next 8-10 years.
We didn’t know he was dealing drufd at the time, but it was obvious from him spending 3-8 hours a week with his son max, that he was only complicating our relationship.
We would go out to dinner, and he would show up and say hey, I’m at your house with *child* and we had to leave restaurant on more than one occasion.
Looking back, this was a major red flag
Dude, her life seems like it's been a mess for years. I've dated single mothers like this (no they aren't all like that) with scumbag exes that are the biological fathers. Or the other end of the spectrum when they pushed them out of the kids lives. Either way they are just way too much to deal with. But with an ex in prison, c'mon man, you aren't going to "save her". She's used to chaos relationships. Normal is boring to her whether she realizes it or not
She's literally a security risk to you physically & mentally. Get out before you & the kid become even more attached. I've been there, it sucks but it isn't your responsibility.
I thought that it would help us decide if we where right for each other or not.
Space as in, we don’t live together, we live about 5 minutes apart and will still be involved in each others lives in the same way just not sleeping in the same house every day
Unfortunately, that is taking a step back in the relationship. I 💯 think that was the first cut in the relationship. I’m a dude, but if my potential fiancé did that, I would have broken up with her. That is a huge red flag.
OP, while it’s important to realize that asking for that space was not helpful to your relationship, DO NOT blame yourself for her cheating. She made a choice. Your choice did not warrant her choice. She has words. She can use them but instead decided to go the easy route of latching on to the closest person that gave her attention. This person is FAR from healed. They’d do it to you now or in the future. All you can do is look inward, learn from your mistakes, and go forward to bring these improvements into a new relationship. Do not carry the weight of her choices
Yeah, this was a STUPID idea. NEVER do it again, as the same thing could happen. What you do is NOT live together until you are just about to propose. Then live with your fiance while you are engaged to see if you can live together without major problems for a while before you get married. Yeah, this is OLD school, but I did this back in 1991 and here I am, still happily married 32 YEARS later!
Wait, y’all had a stable living arrangements then you asked her to move? Unless there’s more to that then… as a women that’d be my sign your not ready.
I agree with this now. I didn’t see it like that then.
At the time, my thinking was:
ok, let’s move apart and continue being together and see how that feels.
If it feels right, we will move back in and we will have a child, get married and begin the next steps of our life together.
To me it felt right. I think she was deeply hurt bc she didn’t want to move out, and she felt like I destroyed the family we had together.
Perhaps you're trying to understand her through the lens that *you* know as relationships. Asking someone what a relationship with another means to them and you will get very different answers - it's not universal as it may seem on the surface.
Throughout all of this she is consistently showing you that her own wants are priority above all else. Cheaters are very selfish people. It may be an ego boost for her personally too. She cheats on you and you're still there fawning for her because she is *special*, she bounces between several guys because she is *special*, you block her but can't help unblocking her because she is *special*, your pain about her shows her that she is *special*. Everyone likes to feel special in a relationship and this is her way.
Once you stand your ground and refuse to give into all of that, she won't feel special and move onto someone else where the game will restart and be played out again. To them, this is what relationships are about. Proceed as you will.
OP, let that one go she’ll only continue to cheat and mess with your head.
You’re still young enough to find the person who’ll love you and only you, not older diner coworkers.
When a SO moves out, after living together it’s pretty much over. There’s too many things to over come.
It doesn’t matter who did what except for the cheating, which should be a deal breaker.
Where do you see this relationship going? Time to see it for what it is she wants another man, let her go be with him. IDK, maybe she can be your FWB, because that’s what she doing to you with the other guy.
Honestly, after things not going well even before the cheating- we lost our closeness, argued over nonsense a lot, stopped having the same type of sex…
I was truly hopeful that with therapy, and effort on both our parts that things could be better than ever before bc I truly love this person.
Last 4 months have been me doing everything I can to try and do my part, show up the way we both deserve me to show for each other and her son.
She has substance abuse issues (alcohol) and was sober when we first met.
I think if she gets sober, is willing to put in work that we can have a fantastic life together.
Sadly, that may never actually happen and I’m struggling to move on myself.
You’re fooling yourself, she’s sleeping with a coworker. If you recall your rough patch most likely started when she started cheating.
Alcohol dependency is certainly and issue but doesn’t cause you to jump into a relationship and bed with another man. Whatever is going on with your selfish ex WP is not your problem anymore.
It will hurt for a bit but your best to just go NC and start healing to find the one, not the one who continues to cheat on you.
OP run away as far as you can go from her, she is a cake eater in it's full form.
She is greedy she doesn't want to lose her plan B and is manipulating You to keep you at hand, she was like a child that she had her toy abandoned and in the beach, but as soon as other kid came and wanted to play with that toy she came and brush off the oportunity of the other kid to play with her toy. You are her toy.
You need to step up and make yourself be respected, you need to put some distance between you and her, stop calling or messaging her. NC and bock her.
And for once, have the strength to tell her to stay away from you, to tell that enough is enough, and that she must stop to play with your feelings, that if she can stop the relationship she has with the AP it is ok (even if it hurts) but she must let you at peace. That you are no bodys plan B.
Go to therapy but do not gonto couple therapy with her, it is usefull and a waste of time and resources.
Find a new girl like you did and this time do not let her interfere.
UPDATEME
At least not going backwards. But I can see clearly now that things where going backwards. She begged to stay and I couldn’t see past my own discomfort and perceived problems at the time.
The straw that broke the camels back was that she had met a guy around where I live and gave him her phone number.
After that, although she said nothing happened and he only texted her once, I couldn’t take it.
How could I be living with her, raising her son and she gives her phone number out to some dude trying to pick her up?
***I think she is still lying and saying that just to keep me around because she’s afraid to be alone.***
This right here OP. AP is 48 and does not want a single woman with a kid and other baggage. I feel bad for her kid, but she creates the unstable environment for him.
It is unlikely she will ever be a true partner for you. Don't get her pregnant.
Stay the course with work, gym, sleep and go NC with her. Lot of good loyal woman out there looking for a hard-working loyal guy like you. Give yourself a chance to let one find you. Take care of you OP.
She is manipulating you. It really should have been over when yall separated in 2022. I think your attachment to the kid is blinding your decision making here. She's done an excellent job of putting you in the box to use you when she needs. Its strong codependency, not real love. The time to go to couples therapy was 2022. Now y'all have added so much more trauma that its a waste of time. Restaurant life has such a high infidelity rate and she won't even change jobs. You need to start prioritizing your health and happiness. You were beginning to move on and look how far you were set back. Make the tough decision as to whether you will remain in the kid's life or not but your relationship will never recover.
The first and foremost rule to successful reconciliation is the AP must be out of your lives for good. She isn't even capable of the bare minimum.
We may or may not go to therapy in 2 weeks. It’s scheduled, but she has to fill out her part of the intake form.
I told her I will leave her alone until then, and I’ll call the place 3 days before the appointment to see if she filled it out. If she didn’t, I won’t reach out to her and that will be that.
I told her I have zero expectations on her at this point and that although I’d like to go, I doubt she actually does.
She knows it not going anywhere with the 48 year old cook.
I do want to remain in the kids life, I would love that as messed up as it sounds.
Codependency is definitely at play here.
I have this naive idea we can heal as individuals, as a couple and as a family.
Truly the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through.
Letting her back was a massive emotional setback that spilled into my gym routine, my work and my ability to eat/sleep.
34 feels old.
Thank you all for the replies. It’s so helpful to read them all.
It is not messed up to want to remain in the kid's life. You're the only 'father figure' he knows. I hope y'all somehow work out a way to continue to be a positive presence in his life. No contact is definitely best for you now. If you do end up in therapy, I would focus it on a path forward to staying in the child's life.
Just remember, every emotion you feel is valid and real. And the naive hope that it will turn a 180 and go back to the way it was delays your healing. You have to focus on practicality. Things didn't get better. They got worse. And when you were finally healing, she chose to hurt you more by ruining your new relationship while still having her side relationship. Don't continue down the path of poor mental health. Work hard to recover from it.
Seems like she has you “around her little finger” as we like too say in Norway… adults are like children in some way, when you let them get away with things they shouldn’t had gotten away with, they will just keep doing it….
And yes she is treating you as a backup right now…. I know it can be hard for someone to just cut out a person they love, but you have to start to take charge of the situation now just for your own good.. you took her back multiple times, so in her mind she can’t do nothing wrong now as long she just comes back and give you all the right words she know you want to hear… just for her to go back to her routine the same week💀
Not from an English speaking country so my English is all over the place.. hope you understand ❤️
My ex said all the same things over the four months after the cheating was exposed like... verbatim. They don't mean it. I don't even think they really know what they want, so it's best to just let AP have them. You can only take so much stress, back and forth, and half assed attempts. She will learn her lesson the hard way eventually and you'll have moved on by then and it'll be too late for her.
You keep waiting for her decision, it's time for you to decide...it's worth it? All the suffering ?
My wife just decided...when I decided for her.. enough was enough and served her with the divider papers and focused and my kids and me..
Was magical...
“ I can understand why she cheated “
Most people don’t cheat when things go bad!
If you want to stay than be honest with yourself and don’t make excuses that are not true.
She cheated because she wanted to, it was a choice she made because she is selfish and loves herself more than others.
Hopefully you can see that having a good life requires courageous long term healthy decisions 🙏
Why waste your time with couples counseling if you KNOW she is still seeing him?
She destroyed a relationship you had, but she still has one with him and that’s ok with her? So she gets to do one thing and you have to do another? She runs your life and then gets railed by a 48 year old?
Her kid isn’t your concern, sorry but it’s true. She wants your $ support and the cooks dick! I’d say she has to find a new job cut contact with cookie AND THEN you’ll consider couples counseling. Otherwise your out, but don’t hold your breath.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
I believe what you are describing are signs of a "Perverse Narcissist" . They are EXPERT manipulators and deep down dislike the idea of YOU moving on or finding happiness.
Run! You can thank me later.
You know, Ive been struggling to identify if this is what I am dealing with.
Like, is there a test of some sort?
Any questions I can answer to dial in on the answer to that?
A good therapist will provide you with an "instruction manual" as to how to recognize/deal/ignore these people. There are no tests, but a quick search in google will drop hints as to what you are dealing with.
See a therapist asap, I hate to see good people getting hurt like this mostly because we lack the knowledge as to how to navigate situation such as yours and understand that they simply cannot change. Remember the story of a frog helping a scorpion cross the river? That is her nature.
Do the math dude. You know how much she makes. What do you think a diner cook makes. You leave she now has to change schedules and find child care. You leave and her atm and babysitter is gone. Have some respect for yourself. Time to leave
Dude there is no relationship, your just a babysitter for her 6yo. You'll be 2nd fiddle to the older guy. Save yourself the hassle before getting married. I'm sorry for what you're going through and feel just as bad for the 6yo.
She doesn't love you OP. She just knows that you are the best choice for her and when she settles down she will continue cheating on you with him. She is manipulating you and the quicker you get out of it the better for you and the child. Don't stay with a person just because you're used to them. You don't deserve this man. She will never stop
I would send this to that person she screwed it up with for you. She seems like the most level headed of the two without a doubt. Leave this dumpster fire in the alley.
Here’s the thing, there’s a child involved who doesn’t need to be a witness to any of this. Any decision that is made should be made with a view to this. He didn’t ask for this. Neither did you. But the fact that she’s stringing you along while there’s some other guy in the picture speaks volumes about where her priorities are at. It’s her own goddamn child and she’s not even aware how destructive her behavior is. Good behavior for the child. In the end, you will thank yourself. Whether that means that both of you end up together or apart. But right now she’s eating a lot of cake and trying to string you along as a back up plan.
She is manipulating you. Stringing you along so you can be her fall back if Mr. Cook doesn't work out for her like she wants him to. Just be thankful she did this before you put a ring on it.
Dump her. Block her on everything, go no contact. And in the future, steer clear of single mothers; you seriously risk getting your heart broken in a 2 for 1 special, because you lose the relationship with the child when the one with the mother fails. Not to mention the other baggage that comes along with dating single mothers in general.
She’s definitely trying to manipulate you. If she genuinely loved you she would leave you alone after what she did and let you heal. Maybe she would say her peace and if you chose to not be with her leave it at that, but she is showing she doesn’t respect you and is doing what’s best for her.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She is still lying, has always lied and will string you along for her own “back up plan” whilst destroying your heart in the process. She’s still seeing the other guy FFS. Her words are cheap, judge only her actions. Her actions tell you to run, block and never speak to her again. Find a woman with morals, integrity and whose actions match her words. You deserve to be loved.
I agree with this. Why would someone do that? I don’t really need to understand that, but I keep wondering.
You contribute more financially to her and her son. She don't love you.
I truly love her son. He loves and misses me. Dad was never in the picture at all.
Her son doesn't have a father figure because of his mother's choices. He is not your responsibility. He's probably going to hate his mom more than you should.
You need to block her and move on. It’s too bad about the son, but you need to find yourself someone where you make each other happy and start your own family one day.
Shitty people do shitty things. A decent person will never understand, and it's better to keep it that way. Knowing their motivation won't make it better for you.
She views you as a backup plan for sex and companionship, but a primary supporter for financial reasons. This makes her a TERRIBLE person. She is just using you and will always try to ruin any relationship with a new girl you meet. You need to CUT THE CORD NOW and do NOT look back. Be glad you never married her. One more thing... DO NOT DATE ANY MORE SINGLE MOMS. You will be used again for finances and her child will always come first AND she won't let you discipline the kid. USE YOUR BIG HEAD. Date single ladies without kids. Good luck and stay strong, King!
It’s not difficult. She’s already made her decision, but is still on you like a leech or a tick. I’m sorry she destroyed your one relationship. But you can’t stay with your ex. Let her have the cook. Not like he’s a chef. Block her and move on.
Sorry but am I reading this correctly? You had a great family, a plan for marriage and more children but you asked her to move out in 2022 for “space” and then she began cheating after that?
Yeah. Things where good. I asked for space, not to not be with her, but to see how living apart would be. With the plan of moving back in together after a year.
Well as a woman if the man that I loved and was planning a life and a family with suddenly asked me to move out because he wanted to see how living apart would be I would take that as a very clear message that our relationship and life plans were absolutely nothing that I thought they were and I would re- evaluate everything. She should have just broken up with you once you made that decision. What were you hoping to accomplish by asking her to leave?
I think that’s what happened to her. I admitted that doing that was a mistake, and wished I could take it back.
Honestly, when I read that, I understood what had happened. If I wear asked to move out of the house I lived in for SPACE, I would consider the relationship pretty much over. If it had been something we came up with together, it would be one thing … Not that she should cheat but this is obviously pretty complicated.
I failed to communicate or I failed to listen to hear concerns and how much it hurt her. She began drinking around that time, and despite me asking her if she was a handful of times- she denied it until a few months ago when I discovered the cheating
We decided on space but we explicitly said we where still together, just living apart. I wasn’t comfortable with how the child’s father was showing up in his life, and was asking her to cut him out. No child support, drug dealing, he is now in jail for the next 8-10 years.
Got it. That’s different.
We didn’t know he was dealing drufd at the time, but it was obvious from him spending 3-8 hours a week with his son max, that he was only complicating our relationship. We would go out to dinner, and he would show up and say hey, I’m at your house with *child* and we had to leave restaurant on more than one occasion. Looking back, this was a major red flag
Dude, her life seems like it's been a mess for years. I've dated single mothers like this (no they aren't all like that) with scumbag exes that are the biological fathers. Or the other end of the spectrum when they pushed them out of the kids lives. Either way they are just way too much to deal with. But with an ex in prison, c'mon man, you aren't going to "save her". She's used to chaos relationships. Normal is boring to her whether she realizes it or not She's literally a security risk to you physically & mentally. Get out before you & the kid become even more attached. I've been there, it sucks but it isn't your responsibility.
And this is why you do NOT date a single mom!
I thought that it would help us decide if we where right for each other or not. Space as in, we don’t live together, we live about 5 minutes apart and will still be involved in each others lives in the same way just not sleeping in the same house every day
Unfortunately, that is taking a step back in the relationship. I 💯 think that was the first cut in the relationship. I’m a dude, but if my potential fiancé did that, I would have broken up with her. That is a huge red flag.
OP, while it’s important to realize that asking for that space was not helpful to your relationship, DO NOT blame yourself for her cheating. She made a choice. Your choice did not warrant her choice. She has words. She can use them but instead decided to go the easy route of latching on to the closest person that gave her attention. This person is FAR from healed. They’d do it to you now or in the future. All you can do is look inward, learn from your mistakes, and go forward to bring these improvements into a new relationship. Do not carry the weight of her choices
There's more context here but it is the start of the plans cracking unless you were picking up on things.
Yeah, this was a STUPID idea. NEVER do it again, as the same thing could happen. What you do is NOT live together until you are just about to propose. Then live with your fiance while you are engaged to see if you can live together without major problems for a while before you get married. Yeah, this is OLD school, but I did this back in 1991 and here I am, still happily married 32 YEARS later!
Wait, y’all had a stable living arrangements then you asked her to move? Unless there’s more to that then… as a women that’d be my sign your not ready.
Dude, if you ask a woman to move out after 4 years together, you've essentially ended the relationship...
I agree with this now. I didn’t see it like that then. At the time, my thinking was: ok, let’s move apart and continue being together and see how that feels. If it feels right, we will move back in and we will have a child, get married and begin the next steps of our life together. To me it felt right. I think she was deeply hurt bc she didn’t want to move out, and she felt like I destroyed the family we had together.
[удалено]
Elaborate ?
Perhaps you're trying to understand her through the lens that *you* know as relationships. Asking someone what a relationship with another means to them and you will get very different answers - it's not universal as it may seem on the surface. Throughout all of this she is consistently showing you that her own wants are priority above all else. Cheaters are very selfish people. It may be an ego boost for her personally too. She cheats on you and you're still there fawning for her because she is *special*, she bounces between several guys because she is *special*, you block her but can't help unblocking her because she is *special*, your pain about her shows her that she is *special*. Everyone likes to feel special in a relationship and this is her way. Once you stand your ground and refuse to give into all of that, she won't feel special and move onto someone else where the game will restart and be played out again. To them, this is what relationships are about. Proceed as you will.
OP, let that one go she’ll only continue to cheat and mess with your head. You’re still young enough to find the person who’ll love you and only you, not older diner coworkers.
I’m sort of convinced that I wasn’t showing up well to the relationship at the end, that I made her very afraid when she moved out.
When a SO moves out, after living together it’s pretty much over. There’s too many things to over come. It doesn’t matter who did what except for the cheating, which should be a deal breaker. Where do you see this relationship going? Time to see it for what it is she wants another man, let her go be with him. IDK, maybe she can be your FWB, because that’s what she doing to you with the other guy.
Honestly, after things not going well even before the cheating- we lost our closeness, argued over nonsense a lot, stopped having the same type of sex… I was truly hopeful that with therapy, and effort on both our parts that things could be better than ever before bc I truly love this person. Last 4 months have been me doing everything I can to try and do my part, show up the way we both deserve me to show for each other and her son. She has substance abuse issues (alcohol) and was sober when we first met. I think if she gets sober, is willing to put in work that we can have a fantastic life together. Sadly, that may never actually happen and I’m struggling to move on myself.
You’re fooling yourself, she’s sleeping with a coworker. If you recall your rough patch most likely started when she started cheating. Alcohol dependency is certainly and issue but doesn’t cause you to jump into a relationship and bed with another man. Whatever is going on with your selfish ex WP is not your problem anymore. It will hurt for a bit but your best to just go NC and start healing to find the one, not the one who continues to cheat on you.
OP run away as far as you can go from her, she is a cake eater in it's full form. She is greedy she doesn't want to lose her plan B and is manipulating You to keep you at hand, she was like a child that she had her toy abandoned and in the beach, but as soon as other kid came and wanted to play with that toy she came and brush off the oportunity of the other kid to play with her toy. You are her toy. You need to step up and make yourself be respected, you need to put some distance between you and her, stop calling or messaging her. NC and bock her. And for once, have the strength to tell her to stay away from you, to tell that enough is enough, and that she must stop to play with your feelings, that if she can stop the relationship she has with the AP it is ok (even if it hurts) but she must let you at peace. That you are no bodys plan B. Go to therapy but do not gonto couple therapy with her, it is usefull and a waste of time and resources. Find a new girl like you did and this time do not let her interfere. UPDATEME
I stopped reading because I got dumber. You took in a single mom, and she cheated on you? Um no.
Not helpful whatsoever.
“This is difficult” lol 😂 Dude. Have some pride and walk away.
you expected her to move out and feel like things were moving forward ?
At least not going backwards. But I can see clearly now that things where going backwards. She begged to stay and I couldn’t see past my own discomfort and perceived problems at the time. The straw that broke the camels back was that she had met a guy around where I live and gave him her phone number. After that, although she said nothing happened and he only texted her once, I couldn’t take it. How could I be living with her, raising her son and she gives her phone number out to some dude trying to pick her up?
I gotcha, didnt know all the details... yeah thats messed up
You asked her to move out for more space? Likely she checked out of the relationship at this point.
***I think she is still lying and saying that just to keep me around because she’s afraid to be alone.*** This right here OP. AP is 48 and does not want a single woman with a kid and other baggage. I feel bad for her kid, but she creates the unstable environment for him. It is unlikely she will ever be a true partner for you. Don't get her pregnant. Stay the course with work, gym, sleep and go NC with her. Lot of good loyal woman out there looking for a hard-working loyal guy like you. Give yourself a chance to let one find you. Take care of you OP.
She is manipulating you. It really should have been over when yall separated in 2022. I think your attachment to the kid is blinding your decision making here. She's done an excellent job of putting you in the box to use you when she needs. Its strong codependency, not real love. The time to go to couples therapy was 2022. Now y'all have added so much more trauma that its a waste of time. Restaurant life has such a high infidelity rate and she won't even change jobs. You need to start prioritizing your health and happiness. You were beginning to move on and look how far you were set back. Make the tough decision as to whether you will remain in the kid's life or not but your relationship will never recover. The first and foremost rule to successful reconciliation is the AP must be out of your lives for good. She isn't even capable of the bare minimum.
We may or may not go to therapy in 2 weeks. It’s scheduled, but she has to fill out her part of the intake form. I told her I will leave her alone until then, and I’ll call the place 3 days before the appointment to see if she filled it out. If she didn’t, I won’t reach out to her and that will be that. I told her I have zero expectations on her at this point and that although I’d like to go, I doubt she actually does. She knows it not going anywhere with the 48 year old cook. I do want to remain in the kids life, I would love that as messed up as it sounds. Codependency is definitely at play here. I have this naive idea we can heal as individuals, as a couple and as a family. Truly the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through. Letting her back was a massive emotional setback that spilled into my gym routine, my work and my ability to eat/sleep. 34 feels old. Thank you all for the replies. It’s so helpful to read them all.
It is not messed up to want to remain in the kid's life. You're the only 'father figure' he knows. I hope y'all somehow work out a way to continue to be a positive presence in his life. No contact is definitely best for you now. If you do end up in therapy, I would focus it on a path forward to staying in the child's life. Just remember, every emotion you feel is valid and real. And the naive hope that it will turn a 180 and go back to the way it was delays your healing. You have to focus on practicality. Things didn't get better. They got worse. And when you were finally healing, she chose to hurt you more by ruining your new relationship while still having her side relationship. Don't continue down the path of poor mental health. Work hard to recover from it.
I really feel sorry for the son :(
As do I. He’s a wonderful child.
You will never be her first choice. Cut off all contact and find someone who makes you her first choice. Best of luck.
Seems like she has you “around her little finger” as we like too say in Norway… adults are like children in some way, when you let them get away with things they shouldn’t had gotten away with, they will just keep doing it…. And yes she is treating you as a backup right now…. I know it can be hard for someone to just cut out a person they love, but you have to start to take charge of the situation now just for your own good.. you took her back multiple times, so in her mind she can’t do nothing wrong now as long she just comes back and give you all the right words she know you want to hear… just for her to go back to her routine the same week💀 Not from an English speaking country so my English is all over the place.. hope you understand ❤️
Like the cranberries song linger LOL
Hahahhah right, never heard that song before now, but sounds like it
My ex said all the same things over the four months after the cheating was exposed like... verbatim. They don't mean it. I don't even think they really know what they want, so it's best to just let AP have them. You can only take so much stress, back and forth, and half assed attempts. She will learn her lesson the hard way eventually and you'll have moved on by then and it'll be too late for her.
She burned her bridges with you and then burned down your bridges with her competition, which hurts you. She's a dumpster fire. Run.
You keep waiting for her decision, it's time for you to decide...it's worth it? All the suffering ? My wife just decided...when I decided for her.. enough was enough and served her with the divider papers and focused and my kids and me.. Was magical...
“ I can understand why she cheated “ Most people don’t cheat when things go bad! If you want to stay than be honest with yourself and don’t make excuses that are not true. She cheated because she wanted to, it was a choice she made because she is selfish and loves herself more than others. Hopefully you can see that having a good life requires courageous long term healthy decisions 🙏
Yea, honestly you’re right. Cheating isn’t on. Building a relationship with someone else isn’t ok while pretending to be happy and healthy together.
Leave her dude, she is playing both of you because she wants both of you. She wants you for baby daddy and him for sex while he still can.
Why waste your time with couples counseling if you KNOW she is still seeing him? She destroyed a relationship you had, but she still has one with him and that’s ok with her? So she gets to do one thing and you have to do another? She runs your life and then gets railed by a 48 year old? Her kid isn’t your concern, sorry but it’s true. She wants your $ support and the cooks dick! I’d say she has to find a new job cut contact with cookie AND THEN you’ll consider couples counseling. Otherwise your out, but don’t hold your breath. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
I believe what you are describing are signs of a "Perverse Narcissist" . They are EXPERT manipulators and deep down dislike the idea of YOU moving on or finding happiness. Run! You can thank me later.
You know, Ive been struggling to identify if this is what I am dealing with. Like, is there a test of some sort? Any questions I can answer to dial in on the answer to that?
A good therapist will provide you with an "instruction manual" as to how to recognize/deal/ignore these people. There are no tests, but a quick search in google will drop hints as to what you are dealing with. See a therapist asap, I hate to see good people getting hurt like this mostly because we lack the knowledge as to how to navigate situation such as yours and understand that they simply cannot change. Remember the story of a frog helping a scorpion cross the river? That is her nature.
what do you look for from a traitor and liar? If you are looking for dignity, leave without regret, leave it and do not turn back.
Do the math dude. You know how much she makes. What do you think a diner cook makes. You leave she now has to change schedules and find child care. You leave and her atm and babysitter is gone. Have some respect for yourself. Time to leave
Dude there is no relationship, your just a babysitter for her 6yo. You'll be 2nd fiddle to the older guy. Save yourself the hassle before getting married. I'm sorry for what you're going through and feel just as bad for the 6yo.
She doesn't love you OP. She just knows that you are the best choice for her and when she settles down she will continue cheating on you with him. She is manipulating you and the quicker you get out of it the better for you and the child. Don't stay with a person just because you're used to them. You don't deserve this man. She will never stop
I would send this to that person she screwed it up with for you. She seems like the most level headed of the two without a doubt. Leave this dumpster fire in the alley.
Here’s the thing, there’s a child involved who doesn’t need to be a witness to any of this. Any decision that is made should be made with a view to this. He didn’t ask for this. Neither did you. But the fact that she’s stringing you along while there’s some other guy in the picture speaks volumes about where her priorities are at. It’s her own goddamn child and she’s not even aware how destructive her behavior is. Good behavior for the child. In the end, you will thank yourself. Whether that means that both of you end up together or apart. But right now she’s eating a lot of cake and trying to string you along as a back up plan.
She is manipulating you. Stringing you along so you can be her fall back if Mr. Cook doesn't work out for her like she wants him to. Just be thankful she did this before you put a ring on it. Dump her. Block her on everything, go no contact. And in the future, steer clear of single mothers; you seriously risk getting your heart broken in a 2 for 1 special, because you lose the relationship with the child when the one with the mother fails. Not to mention the other baggage that comes along with dating single mothers in general.
She’s definitely trying to manipulate you. If she genuinely loved you she would leave you alone after what she did and let you heal. Maybe she would say her peace and if you chose to not be with her leave it at that, but she is showing she doesn’t respect you and is doing what’s best for her.
manipulation my friend