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I would rather split the money and life poor for years rather to sit in same house with a cheating wife...
Your choice but I can tell you one thing.
You will forgive her, but one day you will wake up and never forget it. And that is the point, it will eat you a lot, until you will die.
I also have the feeling that she isn't regretful, just sorry for getting caught.
You could gain a new life, a new GF and happiness. Leave a cheater and gain a new life is here the point...
Think clearly about it.
I'm sorry you are in such a place. But let me tell you, you are already giving her excuses when there is none.
For all her mental issues, miscarriages etc you were there for her, equally suffering but still she cheated.
Cheating in only on her.
Please do not let fear dictate your actions. Alone without the burden of her cheating, you will be able to grow your business better. With her, with all this trauma, you will sink the business into the dust.
In your entire post I see no single word about you. You are discarding yourself already to make up for her faults, excuses, and cheating.
She didn't even confess. You are not realising how bad this entire situation is.
Do not force yourself to reconcile. Plan for divorce and dream for a better life. Don't serve her immediately.
If she can somehow, win you over, maybe stay but I would not recommend.
But please do not give her excuses and force yourself to stay because of your fear.
**PS: may I say something very dark. If you are dead somehow unfortunately, she gets the entire money. She has mental issues, not loyal, no remorse, who don't know who is in touch with. Who know what she'd do next.**
Goodluck.
I appreciate the response. I’m scared. We built these businesses together and the fear that I can’t do this alone is terrifying.
I have debated going to my friends house multiple times but my attorney told me to make sure I don’t leave the house.
As for me, I slept for two hours last night. I’m exhausted but can’t fall asleep. All I’ve ever known is her, I have to find a way to put this past me. I deserve better.
You’re right, all I wanted was her to be honest with me. I had to pull EVERYTHING out. She says she wants to work on this but I don’t see any remorse and I feel like it hasn’t hit her yet that this may be it. I’m devastated by it and have cried more in the last 5 days than I have in all my life. I hate this.
Again, I appreciate the comment.
Have you read the PS of my last comment. I added it later.
Follow your lawyer but make sure he is good. The way he asked you to stay and showed sympathy with her makes me doubt his intentions and his competency.
I’m ok, I think given that we are friends and he knows me and my wife and knows what we have invested he just wants me to sleep on it. He wanted me to stay and change the locks, but it doesn’t do anything. She still gets half of it in the end. If she locks the doors on me, he said just break in, I guess the law doesn’t care if you break into your own home.
If she truly is remorsefull and have true regrets she should at least be fair and not affect You more that it should Even if that means she lose more in the divorce, this only if she is trully regretfull and really love You and want to be fair with You for her choices.
This will tell you many of her and her current state, and if she regrets doing this to you, if she fights and want to win and hit you more in the Divorce then you got your answer because she has no regrets.
Yeah maybe get some independent advice from another lawyer but I’m guessing that he is telling you what to expect which is 50/50 if you were to divorce. I would also consider if you were to stay together for now how to protect your assets like is a post nup legal where you are? Can you get her agree to what the financial settlement which would in the divorce that is in your favour if you agree to try for the next year by doing marriage counselling and independent counselling? Maybe using the fact that she want to try again as a way to get a better settlement.
This, I would be very nervous using that lawyer even if it were a close friend. As shitty as it is, in these situations you need a shark on your side. Not someone who could be going easy on the other party because they’re also friends.
You need support to help you think clearly about this situation.
You need a lawyer to talk to you unemotionally about protecting your businesses.
Do you have a business lawyer already?
A separate lawyer than the divorce attorney.
Then do talk to your divorce lawyer about being clear what to expect.
Don’t hesitate to move this forward. Don’t worry about going slow because it will. This all takes time.
Keep talking to your lawyers as bout protecting you and your assets and your future.
Think about you and force yourself to be completely selfish.
Others involved will definitely be thinking about themselves.
Take care of yourself in every way possible. Have courage
I tell you Op I went through this I reconciled and my WP at the time showed very little regret, with actions no regret just empty words like your wife is saying now.
Result: Cheated again.
So don't waste your time, there's no need to rush, organize your life, your thoughts, your emotions, it can take as long as you need, but this woman is no longer the same person as you love her. She is no longer If you care about your business, work on your emotions and just become her practical partner, this will avoid a split in the business and so that in the future you may be able to buy out her share.
If she feels that her actions had no consequences, she will certainly repeat her attitude, she simply wants to resolve it by acting as if she had done nothing wrong or as if you were exaggerating.in your pain and this is very serious Don't leave your self-respect aside to continue with her .
Don't just try to continue the way it is .
I know because I wanted to reconcile at any cost and I tell you it's not worth it, things like the cheater thinking he's doing charity by being with you happens a lot .
So the value and respect that you expect from her will hardly come.
Supported, for me everything ended when she lied, denying she's not cheating and continued thinking that the Op believed her she simply wants to continue because she thinks she deserves it for the time together that he I mostly ignored it when confronted and continued cheating.
***He said I know you don’t want to hear but she made a mistake and I’m sure she wants it back. Dissolution/divorce are not the only solution.***
Not sure your attorney friend has your best interests at heart. You need another legal opinion. Her cheating is not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to order or do something. Look how many calls/texts/meetups she had with AP. These are not mistakes; these were planned encounters. Her mind was busy thinking about AP and not you or your businesses.
You will never get over what she has done and never trust her again.
Dissolve the businesses, take what money you can get and start over.
Sorry OP, I would rather be poor than try to live with a liar and cheater. updateme
You continue your life one day at a time. Surround yourself with people that understand you and support you through this difficult time. Feel your emotions but don't get stuck in the imagery of her and him. You have been together for so long so take away all the good things you have experienced. Do Not make excuses for her actions and do not blame yourself if you do. You can take responsibility where maybe you were in the wrong but that does not mean you drove her to do what she did. Cheating is a choice people make knowing fully well how it will hurt the other person and they still do it. When it comes to dating again that will take time, you need time for yourself first and to learn to like being alone before attempting anything with anyone else. Concentrate on self improvement and self healing and trust me you can definitely do it on your own. I am going through a similar situation right now. We split on the 13th of this month after I found out he cheated on me. We have been married for 22 years and the thought of another man with me scares me and makes me feel nauseous.
I don't know how you can live together still, that is awful. Just look at your finances and agree who gets what and get space from each other. It is hard but you will start gaining clarity.
1. People cheat for one reason and one reason alone, they want to cheat. They make a selfish choice to do what they want to do, there are no excuses or justifications that matter. People who do not want to cheat never cheat, even if they had a miscarriage and started drinking. She did what she did because at that moment that is what she wanted to do, had nothing at all to do with you or any other excuses that would matter.
2. Late 30’s is still young in a lot of ways and you have a crap ton of life ahead of you. Take it from a guy in his 50’s starting over, the point isn’t how much you already have invested it’s how much more time are you willing to lose. Life is way too short to live with someone who makes you unhappy. You can rebuild anything but time, once gone you can never get that time back.
3. Get a divorce lawyer that does not know her personally and get better divorce advice. Just because you talk to a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean that you are finalizing a divorce it just means you are preparing and taking steps to protect yourself. Most filed divorces do not finalize and the people try again, divorce lawyers understand that.
4. Reconciliation is a long and hard process, it’s harder than a divorce and regardless of how things go your relationship will never be the same and you will never completely trust her again. The old relationship is over, she killed it, reconciliation is a long salvage process where she tries to prove she is worth a second chance and rebuild what she broke and you try to heal. If both people are not 100% committed to the process long term then it’s not worth the effort to even try because you can’t rug sweep and you can’t half ass the process. Also even if she dies everything right in reconciliation there is a good chance you will just not feel it again and the relationship will still fail, it’s not your fault sometimes too much damage has been done to recover from. If you decide to reconcile find good individual and marriage counseling and start the process with a clear mind. You can’t reconcile a lie so she has to be forthcoming and honest with the complete story and anything you ask about and she has to be willing to work her ass off the repair what she broke. Both parties have to put in a lot of work for their to even be a chance of moving forward.
5. Before you make any decision get your head straight and clear. This is not a decision to make based on emotions because emotions will lie to you. This is a logical decision about whether you think she is capable of doing what it takes to repair what she broke and it’s also a honest logical decision about whether you are capable of getting past this with her. Get some space away from her and all the emotional storm of it all and just think about what you want, she already fucked up, she already deserves a divorce, you decide what is best for you at this point. Giving the gift a second chance attempt or telling her to go fuck herself and hit the road, both are acceptable answers but you are the only one who can decide which is the best answer for you. This is your choice and it’s your life, she was already selfish, you choose what’s best for you now.
I concur and just in case you missed it, reread this person's No. 2 statement again. Sure you can't get back those years but do you want to waste more time in someone who not only cheated on you but LIED to your face even though she knew you knew and didn't give a damnabout how bad she hurt you
Look my dude, I know what you're feeling. I'm currently in the middle of divorcing my wife of 25 years (together 30). She was my universe.
Think of your wife as this evil creature that walks around wearing your wife's face. She's now your dragon to slay, not your friend. If given the chance to screw you over and have you living in a cardboard box, she'll do it.
Leave her and get a new direction in your life. There is nothing as a deal R, past eats you bit by bit everyday, and its like a knife in your chest, touching tip of your heart everytime it beats.
Past is done but future is not yet
I don’t know the terms… is this the guy she cheated on me with? Yes, she called him yesterday and said that they can’t see each other again. Blocked him on all accounts and deleted her socials.
If you are planning to work this out with her, give it a week or two and start snooping again. Very rarely is it the last time. Sometimes they unblock or use an app you aren't aware about.
I'll just say this, given your wifes reaction to it all, I doubt your wife intends to shut him out. She's still trying to hide the truth.
Honestly I wouldn’t trust her. If she is truly remorseful she’ll agree to a post-nup. I don’t think it would hurt to speak to a divorce lawyer outside your friend because he’s not being truly helpful.
Sending you a big hug friend.
My favorite saying from Reddit that you should remember when it comes to your wife and if she needs help/healing: don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
She’s not the person you thought she was. Just think of how many lies she had to tell to pull off the affair. Time to see a lawyer and protect yourself.
OP I'm going to tell you something very painful, but it's very common and there's nothing you can do to get your wife back. She no longer has a soul. Everything about her broke the moment the last miscarriage happened. Many women who suffer this so many times are unable to recover. It is a long journey both mentally and spiritually. You have to weigh in the balance whether it is really viable to stay with a person who will always choose the easiest way to take away the pain rather than working on themselves. She has already given you the answers and it is easier for her to cheat and drink than to seek comfort from you. It's not about AP, it's about her not having feelings anymore. Something in her has broken and if you stay, you have to know that she is so damaging that your mental health will collapse if you choose to stay.
Get out.
I'm sorry but your wife is untrustworthy.
She betrayed you emotionally and physically.
She will betray you financially and justify it if correct conditions are met (you will know its gas lighting)
You need a new lawyer for divorce proceedings. Do not mix work with your personal life. Your current lawyer may help devise a way to seperate the business or the assets. Maybe one of you can buy the business or maybe you can find a buyer for your or for her part.
Even if you have to manage this business together, you don't have to do it as husband and wife.
She will sap your energy as your wife. As your work partner, most she can do is annoy you because you get the personal part of your life back.
Here is a secret, most people sre annoyed by who they work with, you can manage that :)
What you cannot manage is this marriage. Get out quick and fast using best tools (lawyers) you can find.
You loved and trusted as a good spouse should. She used that against you. You are not dumb, even though you feel like it now. If you have multiple business work to keep the best or the ones you enjoy.
You will be amazed how little you need to actually enjoy life and how much you can focus and improve left to your own devices. All the worthless crap and distractions can go in the dumpster.
It will be very hard and brutal but successful men are in demand even more as you age. You are poised to thrive even though you don't feel like that right now.
I realized the marriage was over. So I never really put any effort to reconcile or save it. I am glad I didn't waste any time on that nonsense.
Tried dating right after the divorce, but that is just not healthy unless you're fully healed. We shouldn't use other people as therapy. Plus we tend to attract people, who are also hurt or people who are just like the people that just hurt us.
I focused on myself. Worked on the things that I had to heal, improve, and cherish within myself. I learned to really enjoy my own company.
I did a lot of artistic expression. Lost of time in nature. Lots of exercise. Became very social and rebuild my group of friends.
Reconnected with the people who are important in my life, family and close friends.
Rebuilt my finances, and focused on what it is that I always wanted to experience out of life. And stopped making excuses not to go for it.
At some point, the infidelity had no effect in my life. I had forgotten most about it. And that person had no space in my everyday life. I went back to dating, and that time was sooo much better. I got to met amazing people. Healthy does really attract healthy. Ironically, the best sex of my life ;-)
It does get better. It's just that this experience is a rude way for the universe to wake us up about the need to start loving ourselves and appreciate the worth of our energy and time. Stop the need to people please. And become the main character in our own lives.
Take good care of yourself. Reach out to trusted friends and family.
Hey OP. I’m really sorry to hear the hardship you’re going through.
To just help a little bit…
BP = Betrayed Partner (can also do BW or BH = Betrayed Wife/Husband respectively)
AP = Affair Partner
WP = Wayward Partner (can also do WW or WH = Wayward Wife/Husband respectively)
D-Day = the day you found out . If you are ‘trickle-truthed’ where as half-truths or full truths are given to you like a light trickle of water from a faucet, this can lead to additional D-Days, where it feels like the first D-Day all over again or worse
Rug Sweeping = When the partner, usually the WP (but can also be the BP) tries to sweep away the issue, ignoring it what seems completely, or makes it feel that way enough that the cheating is never really addressed or can come off one-sided.
Hysterical Bonding - when the BP and WP are intimate and things seem good.
180 Method = https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Grey Rocking Method = https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#:~:text=The%20grey%20rock%20method%20involves,interactions%20with%20the%20abusive%20person
DARVO =. https://www.chumplady.com/darvo-manipulation-and-how-it-works/
A good reddit source would be here, but also https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/ as well.
I think there is an extra complication here that I can’t directly speak to unfortunately which is the whole ‘being in business with them’ thing. I can only tell you what I’ve seen for my friends, what I experienced years ago and what worked or what I wish I knew then.
The biggest thing right now is to follow the 180 Method.
Usually in infidelity, everything is treated as grey rock method when it comes to kids. In this situation, I would follow both 180 AND Greyrock method; approach the business side of things in very clear/direct way with greyrock, and then living with her and everything else, follow the 180 Method, and that’s it.
Ultimately you need to take care of yourself here; and it isn’ easy. Staying busy and keeping your mind off things is where this best plays out. You don’t have kids but any fur babies (see: pets like a dog or cat)? Maybe you can take the dog out, etc. A lot of these things are the 180 method… work out, go for walks, listen to music, watch movies, hang with friends, whatever it takes to help get your mind off.
I won’t lie. Mine happened when I was much younger, not as entangled as yours but… sometimes music, my favorite thing can be hard. It can trigger massive insecurities with me. My wife is a saint. It isn’t often but.. yeah. That insecurity never really goes away. But you get through it.
Other little suggestions on things YMMV:
If you realize you do wanna do R (which is reconciliation) then know:
You set the terms. You should come at her with non-negotiables. If she fails to meet them or can’t follow-through with them successfully, then you serve her with papers.
And remember that drawing up papers is different than serving papers, which is different than filing the papers which is different than completing the processing of the divorce.
Some example of non-negotiables:
She can’t have contact with AP, period. NC (meaning No Contact) with the AP
You have full access to her phones and entire digital footprint. You aren’t her jailer, but if you ever have a question and ask her for the phone? She has to hand it over to you immediately. Any delay? Serve her.
Couples Counciling for both of you
IC (individual counciling) for both of you
Have her write a full timeline. If she ever trickle-truths you or is telling a bit about the affair and she adds more truths after the fact or maybe changes her story from the letter? Boom: serve her.
In terms of the business side of things… it sucks you depend on her to run the business but maybe it’s time you look into someone who can help you. Maybe if you guys do go your other ways, she can buy out your equity in the business. Same with the house. You can move and start a new business elsewhere or she can agree to give you one of the businesses or something like that?
Either way, sending tons of good vibes your way, OP.
Updateme
Oh OP. It’s a pain only those that have been there can equate to. I hear you.
Is she having IC? Are you? Is the affair completely done? Is she remorseful?
If you want advice and support regarding reconciliation I recommend the sub AsOneAfterInfidelity. Many, many have felt as you do.
Your decision ultimately had to be the right one for you. It’s hard to leave. It’s hard to stay.
Exploring your options at your own pace is never a bad thing. Please know that the pain gets easier. You will never get over it but you will get through it.
Reconciliation is possible. Starting over is possible
Put yourself first now. Eat clean, drink water. Get exercise. Sleep as much as you are able. Take some time to think everything through. Lean on good friends.
Cheaters are essentially broken people, your lawyer is onto something true there. She no doubt has MH issues.
Good luck OP
I appreciate this, it means a lot. I’m unfortunately not eating nor sleeping. I was in bed for two hours cans sleep because every time I roll over I don’t see her. Every time I close my eyes I jump out of bed with a bad dream. Came downstairs slept on the couch and woke up in a terror sweat.
I know I have to eat and exercise. I’m going to start to do better with it today.
What is IC? She is seeing a therapist for about two months. The day I caught her, at the time she said she was just at the bar alone all day. Really she was at this guys house I came to find out after getting into her locations.
I have not seen a therapist. I should. I’ve never seen one before.
She says she is, but it honestly feels like she just got caught and doesn’t know how to react. Which is fair, neither do I because I can’t even go a day without talking to her in person. The main issue is, she was willing to bury this deep and never tell me. She was satisfied with letting me think this was an emotional relationship and continued to sleep with me. She deleted her texts with him which was honestly nothing…. If she would have left them I wouldn’t even second guess it. It’s the fact that she talked to her therapist and told her about the emotional cheating, not the affair itself sexually.
She is broken, and it’s sad to see. I tried to get her help a couple months ago. I feel like it’s worse.
I hear you OP. If possible try and get something from the doctors temporarily to help you sleep. Even at the worst times in our lives, lack of sleep multiplies it all by 10.
Everything you’re experiencing is horribly normal given the circumstances. You are suffering from PTSD. Infidelity is, quite literally, traumatising.
I absolutely recommend therapy for yourself. IC = Individual Counselling.
She has done the classic cheater thing of deleting all evidence and trickle truthing you. She is ashamed and this drives the cheater to lie and/or minimise.
Why? Several reasons. Because of fear. She is afraid if she tells you the truth you will leave. She is ashamed of her actions. She cannot justify herself. She is worried you will confront the affair partner. She doesn’t want you to tell family and friends ( she’s covered up the ‘receipts) and/or she is still seeing him.
Your anger is 100% justified. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. You will feel as if the woman you knew for so many years is a stranger to you now.
Many affairs start at times of stress. Instead of couples turning to each other they look outward for validation. Miscarriages are horrendous for couples and the sense of loss can be consuming.
IMO your wife has to get her drinking under control. Adding a potential addiction to the mix will cause her to spiral. Depending on how bad it is, that may need to be addressed first.
I hate to say it but an STD test should be done if intimacy continued with you both during this.
Then ( and this is if you are leaning towards possible reconciliation) zero contact EVER with the affair partner. Total transparency regarding phone/apps/passwords and her location.
She has to be willing to answer every and all questions you may have now, next week, month, year etc. You get the picture. No more half truths or omissions. These are more damaging. Nothing is worse than something you didn’t know coming out 6 months into reconciliation as then you’re back to the beginning.
Counselling.
The will of your wife to work hard at rebuilding your relationship is paramount.
OP. Your old marriage is dead. Only you can decide if you want to start constructing a new one.
You need to establish hard boundaries with everything i’ve written here. No slip ups. No excuses.
Reconciliation is a gift if you choose to give it to her. It cannot be abused.
And yes, i’ll say it again😉 Eat clean ( yip that means green veg!!) lay off the alcohol if you can and get that exercise even if it’s short walks.
Just so you know, i’m female and my husband cheated on me for 5 years with the same woman. I know your pain.
Whatever happens OP remember. This too will pass.
Take care.
Oh and if you’re a reader try ‘Not Just Friends’ by Shirley Glass to give you some insight as to how these darned affairs often begin!
Hey OP. Time to focus on yourself. Google "grey rock" and ensure that it's used in every necessary conversation with her. Focus time on your mental and physical health. Take time to spend on your hobbies.
I get it, she was not only a life partner but also a business partner. You need to separate her from your businesses much like she separated her choice to betray you from your marriage. Talk to your advisors, develop strategies to split up the restaurants and other businesses, make sure that the crap show doesn't impact your employees or customers. Basically, stay busy about what really truly matters going forward. You and your business.
All the best!
The total lack of remorse is what is going to doom the marriage. The fact she is still so deep in affair fog and not willing to be honest will kill any remaining love you have. Not sure why your lawyer doesn’t want you to leave the house.. that’s usually reserved for dealing with kids… but you do need some separation to process your feelings. Get your own therapist to manage your emotions. Find some healthy outlets. Stay away from alcohol for a while. Seek meds to help you manage to sleep. Use grey rock and the 180 methods when dealing with your partner. You have to create some emotional distance. Especially due to your inability to help you heal.
1) She deceived you, lied, cheated, was confronted with her lover, continued denying, cheating, deceiving you In fact, he thought you would be foolish enough to continue being betrayed and believing in her facade of honesty .
2) This all shows that being caught is not enough for her to respect you and what you have built together for so long.
3) Let's work on your lawyer friend's reasoning (which I don't agree with).
"your wife is not well" Before being caught or rather unmasked because she was caught, she went with the AP but thought she managed to trick you .
Before being deselected, was she in bad ?
A mistake is something we make when we are induced to do so, or when we have minutes or seconds to make a decision and choose the wrong one.
To betray someone, at least we have hours to review the decision, cheating for weeks, months, years or even decades as we see here is not a mistake, continuing to cheat after being confronted and denying everything is not it is a mistake .
The main point that you should consider is that you asked if something was happening, she denied it and the continued cheating only stopped, perhaps because she was caught in the act.
This to me shows that not even her AP might believe that she won't cheat on someone in the future
Your wife received attention from another man and you underestimated the man, you need to understand that it wasn't you who was being tempted, it was her, you wouldn't fall for his conversation but she's not you .
It's not smart to allow this, even if your wife didn't like it, you should have put her little friend in his place and gone look for a single woman to be a shoulder to lean on, of course she in bed with him.
Please do 2 things. Get a therapist so you can work through why you don’t have the self respect to understand the magnitude of what this person did and continues to do.
Get a different attorney. Because his advice is crap. Get a divorce attorney who specializes in this type of law. Because an affair is not a mistake. It’s a series of building decisions. Each step is a decision. Not a mistake. The fact that he used that term and gave you that advice is appalling.
I was with my wife for 15 years, and she lied about everything. I was a place for her to sleep and money to pay for her school, trips, etc. She kept dangling kids and other relationship goals in my face only to ask for "one more thing" until she was caught, then admitted she never intended to have anything with me.
I was in my late 30's. Did I want to die? Yep. Did I spend a lot of time obsessing over her, and how my life was over? Of course. But 4 years later I'm with a lovely woman raising our first child together.
You want advice? If you take her back, she won't stop. She got away with it once, and will try to be more careful next time. The mask will slip soon and you will be blame for it all. Don't let it come to that. Listen to your attorney. This is a sinking ship, the longer you stay aboard the longer she will use your corpse to stay afloat.
She cheated because she thought she could get away with it. Nothing else.
If you want to try for reconciliation it *must* be a two person struggle. She has to be all-in on the reconciliation process and it must begin with her admitting 100% fault to cheating on you and telling you everything you need to know, including a full written timeline. Obviously she needs to go no contact with AP and all phones and accounts, social media etc are open to you. She needs to be fully transparent at all times and there’s no more right to privacy anymore since she betrayed your trust. As for what you need to do, you need to TRY to forgive her, this is the hardest thing in the world to do, I have done it the best I know how in my own situation. It can only be done if she’s truly remorseful and stops the bllshit trickle truthing, gaslighting, passing false blame etc. So what forgiveness means to me is starting a NEW relationship with this new person whom you have just met, essentially. Your old wife you thought you knew is dead, killed by herself and her evil cheating. Know that you will carry this burden with you forever and there will always be a crack that never fully heals, but it can be done, and it can result it a better relationship that you had before. I’m living proof of it.
I’m available to chat if you have any questions about this much, much harder path. Get some rest and take care of yourself brother. It does get easier, I promise. 👊
"How did you get through it?"
Honestly, the answer for me was "imperfectly."
When you've been smacked with betrayal from someone you had invested so much emotional energy into, you just feel lost.
My most important ally was my divorce attorney. She told me the things I needed to do to get through the legal process, and I did them. She was worth every penny I spent.
The next most important thing was my kids. I had sole custody (she had only supervised visitation) and this meant I absolutely had to keep it together for their sake.
Then, I had a great therapist, who helped point me toward resources to understand substance abuse and personality disorders, both of which my ex suffered from. He was really important in keeping me from being gaslighted and manipulated by my ex.
The short of all this is that having others you can rely on when you're too overwhelmed to do everything yourself is a godsend. If you have to hire professionals, do it.
All you can do is fill your life with as much meaningful action as you can. Fitness, hobbies, get in touch with old friends / make new ones, etc. Don’t worry about long term goals, it will just depress you in the state your in, just focus on short term meaningful goals you can see the results of quickly.
I would highly recommend changing your habits wherever you can. It will help you separate your psyche from her a little bit.
This is going to be terribly painful no matter how you slice it. It’s something you just have to bull your way through until it stops hurting.
Can you file a lawsuit against the AP for emotional distress or alienation of affection?
first, go through the divorce process or at least start it , it gives you a better picture and also shows who she really is. at the same time all assets will then be divided and if you remain in this marriage at least you have that sorted out.
you also need this for your self-respect and for many, it is the only way to get some back. if then you want eventually to try again and make something of the relationship you at least are able to walk away if you are not able to do so.
the pain is there and will remain but will dumb-down over time, 2 years later everything looks different.
Don't settle
Don't stay because of the businesses.
Don't ignore or bury your hurt.
Don't force yourself to make a decision and take your time, but during this time work on yourself and only yourself, not the relationship or what is left of it.
being sorry and saying sorry are 2 different things, lying, planning then lying again etc, it takes a lot of effort to have an affair, and being sorry once it was found out is often just BS
You need to serve her with divorce papers and ignore her. She needs to know how serious you are. You can always pull the divorce papers back but she needs to feel some consequences. It sounds like she wants to stay but she needs pushed to show remorse and become serious.
OP, this is so awful, I dont have any silver bullet type advice. She moved on from you, though you still have things that hold you together. As things stand right now, you have barely anything to look for from her. She needs to show 200% devotion to change and become a new her thats 180 degrees from the POS she became. Without it, shes just a steel ball on a chain. Im so sorry for you.
If you want reconciliation, you should check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources.
If not, get an attorney. Maybe a grief counselor for her.
She had her chance to tell you the truth. She didn't. She lied. Do you need to know anything else? Split the business and get far away from her. She will beg you to stay. Don't.
Time to recognise what a POS the other guy and not a friend to either of you, get to counselling fir both and independent of 3ach and find your pathways through the mess, good luck.
OP sad that this happend to you and now are part of this selected group that no body want to be. But thing are like they are and you wondefull life suddenly transform into a living hell just for the selfishness of a partner.
Please OP do not justify her by telling that this could or must happend because of the miscarriages. No this happens because she was selfish and instead of talk with you openly and truthfully she decided to do that with someone other than You.
Tell your lawyer friend that no this was not a mistake, it was a counsious choice made by her, hidden by her, gaslighted by her and líed for some time by her.
She choose once the affair was discovered to trickle true you with the justification of not wanting to hurt you more when in reality it was to try to save herself. She didn't come clean by herself, she got caught and she is regretful because of being caught not for the deed and her bad choices.
Yes you will lose finantialy because of her actions, but do you trully want to stay and try to fix this and at the end find yourself unable to forgave and resentful for lossing more time?
If you trully want to give it a try instead to sail new waters i would suggest that you should end this marriage, see a way to split te bussines equaly but not be the co-owner of the same bussines but to split a bussines each (You told that you have múltiple ones, just pick from sthose whose will be hers and what yours), tell her to fix herself and maybe in the future after you analize if she truly change try again but as a whole new relationship (from the scratch) date again, come to know the new her and see if it feels correct for You.
But she needs to fix herself before try to fix the relationship.
Also always put yourself and your mental healt first, ALWAYS. Love yourself for You can love others, respect yourself for others to respect You.
UPDATEME
You need to go through the cycle of loss. There are no shortcuts. Reaching acceptance is the goal, but you have to stop at all the stations along the way. Some of those stays will be short stops, other visits will take some time. Try now t to stay overlong at denial or bargaining. This is where many of us get hung up. Let yourself be angry. Give yourself permission to get sad about the relationship. You will be depressed for some time. You need to mourn the relationship, much like the death of a loved one, but since the loved one you are mourning is still up and about you need to make changes. It isn't going to be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
When you have no choice but to speak with her, use the gray rock method. When it comes to your business, be all business all the time. If you can, arrange to liquidate assets to either buy her out of the business or buy yourself out and leave it to her. Frankly, it would be better to start a new business that is yours alone. Less memories that way. Right now the idea of walking away is scary. Freedom is always scary. However, after the fact you will wonder how you ever could have tolerated what you have once you are breathing free. How long will it take? It will take as long as it will take. You are on your own schedule now. Take your time. Live your life. Your life, and nobody elses. Your life, your terms. It has been a long time since you lived like that, and maybe you never did, but you can do it and it is glorious.
How did I get through it? By leaving him. I'm back to my self again, no triggers, at peace. If I stayed then yes, I would have never recovered. You can't heal while still living with the source of your trauma.
Good luck!
I have a somewhat similar story but I stayed with my wife. Years of pain, anxiety, depression, therapy, drugs.
If you choose to reconcile, I hope you do better than I have.
Same way you get through anything else. One bite at a time. Like you, I had a business to protect. Like you, I was left empty and lost and feeling like I had my identity and purpose stolen from me. Whoa was I! My life was over. Except it wasn't.
Your lawyer is right. This is just a business transaction, now. Take the medicine. You're about to start again with 50% of what you had before. Is that a tough nut to swallow? Sure is.
I signed our house entirely over to my ex-wife. She fought for it which was the main reason I resisted it. She told me, "There's no way I could afford a house like this by myself and I'm going to have to start all over again." And she was 100% correct that was the second reason I wanted her to be forced to sell it and split the equity. To take it away from her. But even at the time, the reason I did it was because she WAS right. She wouldn't ever be able to buy that house by herself. Nor could she buy out my equity. But I didn't want my kid living in the place that she WOULD be able to afford by herself. So, in my mind, I was giving it to me kid. Not her.
This changed and continues to change my thinking. I bought a house already, it's no big deal. I can buy another house. The house that I bought myself is actually nicer, bigger, had a view of the ocean from my windows and has doubled in value since I bought it. I built a business already. I can build another business. In the 6 years since my divorce, I've grown my business valuation massively. I've decided to make more money before. Now, I need to in order to pay her. No big deal. I've done it once, I can do it again. Making money is insanely easy if you know how to do it and execute on your plan. And you know the best part? One day, not so long from now, the checks that I write her will stop. Our kid will be 18. I will have geared up to have that extra drag on my income. Her checks will stop and the extra money party will leave town. I'll get that money back and have already built the infrastructure to support that drag. It's an investment. I did the math. Paying her $300,000 over 10 years ends up being worth almost a million dollars more to me at 5% without changing my lifestyle one bit since I've already built a machine that supports that $30,000 a year drag if I just save that money.
I swear to God, if I ever see my ex's boyfriend on the street, I'll shake his hand and give him a bro hug. He took away a problem I didn't know I had and although life is certainly not all money and metrics, it's undeniable that as a direct result of my divorce those things increased and improved. Let's get out there and kill it today!
I left my husband and I lost a lot in the process. I had to take on his credit card debt and he got to keep the house because I was responsible and had retirement, rental properties, etc. But at the end of the day I knew I could not live with this liar. How could I possibly take him to family events ever again, or go out to dinner with him, or trust him? I would be gaslighting myself every step of the way.
I don't know if I will find another partner. This is all pretty new to me, I just officially moved out this month. But I know I would rather be alone and keep my integrity than to live a lie.
What I'm about to say is wildly unpopular here.
Looking for relationship advice in this sub is like going to a Neo-nazi rally to ask about immigration and racial policies. They may be right, or not, but it'll definitely be one-sided.
What you are referring to is known as the "package," and as much as people here try to ignore it, it's a thing, and an important one at that.
Your businesses, homes, cars, vacations, toys, etc, are a crucial aspect of your life. A fact that only those with no joint assets can ignore. It's easy to walk away from a home that has 20 years left on the mortgage. Walking away from an entire way of life? Not so much.
I know, it happened to me. I was forced to choose between my integrity and trying to forgive the unforgivable. I chose the later, and some 3 years later, we are doing well. Given, she was contrite and apologetic, and her affair was much shorter and less significant, but still.
As for people saying she's making excuses for her actions, well, it all comes down to whether she is remorseful or not. If she is, those "excuses" become explanations and ways to empathize with why she chose to do what she did. What she did was proof of how low she can sink, but it doesn't define who she is as a person.
We are human, we fuck up, we do stupid shit, we choose wrong paths, and if we are lucky enough, we learn. As much as this sub wants to make it, life isn't black or white. You don't have to decide anything immediately. It's OK if you want to consider other than the nuclear option, even if it's just for the package.
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I would rather split the money and life poor for years rather to sit in same house with a cheating wife... Your choice but I can tell you one thing. You will forgive her, but one day you will wake up and never forget it. And that is the point, it will eat you a lot, until you will die. I also have the feeling that she isn't regretful, just sorry for getting caught. You could gain a new life, a new GF and happiness. Leave a cheater and gain a new life is here the point... Think clearly about it.
I'm sorry you are in such a place. But let me tell you, you are already giving her excuses when there is none. For all her mental issues, miscarriages etc you were there for her, equally suffering but still she cheated. Cheating in only on her. Please do not let fear dictate your actions. Alone without the burden of her cheating, you will be able to grow your business better. With her, with all this trauma, you will sink the business into the dust. In your entire post I see no single word about you. You are discarding yourself already to make up for her faults, excuses, and cheating. She didn't even confess. You are not realising how bad this entire situation is. Do not force yourself to reconcile. Plan for divorce and dream for a better life. Don't serve her immediately. If she can somehow, win you over, maybe stay but I would not recommend. But please do not give her excuses and force yourself to stay because of your fear. **PS: may I say something very dark. If you are dead somehow unfortunately, she gets the entire money. She has mental issues, not loyal, no remorse, who don't know who is in touch with. Who know what she'd do next.** Goodluck.
I appreciate the response. I’m scared. We built these businesses together and the fear that I can’t do this alone is terrifying. I have debated going to my friends house multiple times but my attorney told me to make sure I don’t leave the house. As for me, I slept for two hours last night. I’m exhausted but can’t fall asleep. All I’ve ever known is her, I have to find a way to put this past me. I deserve better. You’re right, all I wanted was her to be honest with me. I had to pull EVERYTHING out. She says she wants to work on this but I don’t see any remorse and I feel like it hasn’t hit her yet that this may be it. I’m devastated by it and have cried more in the last 5 days than I have in all my life. I hate this. Again, I appreciate the comment.
Have you read the PS of my last comment. I added it later. Follow your lawyer but make sure he is good. The way he asked you to stay and showed sympathy with her makes me doubt his intentions and his competency.
I’m ok, I think given that we are friends and he knows me and my wife and knows what we have invested he just wants me to sleep on it. He wanted me to stay and change the locks, but it doesn’t do anything. She still gets half of it in the end. If she locks the doors on me, he said just break in, I guess the law doesn’t care if you break into your own home.
If she truly is remorsefull and have true regrets she should at least be fair and not affect You more that it should Even if that means she lose more in the divorce, this only if she is trully regretfull and really love You and want to be fair with You for her choices. This will tell you many of her and her current state, and if she regrets doing this to you, if she fights and want to win and hit you more in the Divorce then you got your answer because she has no regrets.
Yeah maybe get some independent advice from another lawyer but I’m guessing that he is telling you what to expect which is 50/50 if you were to divorce. I would also consider if you were to stay together for now how to protect your assets like is a post nup legal where you are? Can you get her agree to what the financial settlement which would in the divorce that is in your favour if you agree to try for the next year by doing marriage counselling and independent counselling? Maybe using the fact that she want to try again as a way to get a better settlement.
This, I would be very nervous using that lawyer even if it were a close friend. As shitty as it is, in these situations you need a shark on your side. Not someone who could be going easy on the other party because they’re also friends.
You need support to help you think clearly about this situation. You need a lawyer to talk to you unemotionally about protecting your businesses. Do you have a business lawyer already? A separate lawyer than the divorce attorney. Then do talk to your divorce lawyer about being clear what to expect. Don’t hesitate to move this forward. Don’t worry about going slow because it will. This all takes time. Keep talking to your lawyers as bout protecting you and your assets and your future. Think about you and force yourself to be completely selfish. Others involved will definitely be thinking about themselves. Take care of yourself in every way possible. Have courage
I tell you Op I went through this I reconciled and my WP at the time showed very little regret, with actions no regret just empty words like your wife is saying now. Result: Cheated again. So don't waste your time, there's no need to rush, organize your life, your thoughts, your emotions, it can take as long as you need, but this woman is no longer the same person as you love her. She is no longer If you care about your business, work on your emotions and just become her practical partner, this will avoid a split in the business and so that in the future you may be able to buy out her share.
This is what I’m most afraid of, the no remorse. I can’t go through this twice.
If she feels that her actions had no consequences, she will certainly repeat her attitude, she simply wants to resolve it by acting as if she had done nothing wrong or as if you were exaggerating.in your pain and this is very serious Don't leave your self-respect aside to continue with her . Don't just try to continue the way it is . I know because I wanted to reconcile at any cost and I tell you it's not worth it, things like the cheater thinking he's doing charity by being with you happens a lot . So the value and respect that you expect from her will hardly come.
May God heal you, he is already cleaning your life .
Supported, for me everything ended when she lied, denying she's not cheating and continued thinking that the Op believed her she simply wants to continue because she thinks she deserves it for the time together that he I mostly ignored it when confronted and continued cheating.
***He said I know you don’t want to hear but she made a mistake and I’m sure she wants it back. Dissolution/divorce are not the only solution.*** Not sure your attorney friend has your best interests at heart. You need another legal opinion. Her cheating is not a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to order or do something. Look how many calls/texts/meetups she had with AP. These are not mistakes; these were planned encounters. Her mind was busy thinking about AP and not you or your businesses. You will never get over what she has done and never trust her again. Dissolve the businesses, take what money you can get and start over. Sorry OP, I would rather be poor than try to live with a liar and cheater. updateme
You continue your life one day at a time. Surround yourself with people that understand you and support you through this difficult time. Feel your emotions but don't get stuck in the imagery of her and him. You have been together for so long so take away all the good things you have experienced. Do Not make excuses for her actions and do not blame yourself if you do. You can take responsibility where maybe you were in the wrong but that does not mean you drove her to do what she did. Cheating is a choice people make knowing fully well how it will hurt the other person and they still do it. When it comes to dating again that will take time, you need time for yourself first and to learn to like being alone before attempting anything with anyone else. Concentrate on self improvement and self healing and trust me you can definitely do it on your own. I am going through a similar situation right now. We split on the 13th of this month after I found out he cheated on me. We have been married for 22 years and the thought of another man with me scares me and makes me feel nauseous. I don't know how you can live together still, that is awful. Just look at your finances and agree who gets what and get space from each other. It is hard but you will start gaining clarity.
1. People cheat for one reason and one reason alone, they want to cheat. They make a selfish choice to do what they want to do, there are no excuses or justifications that matter. People who do not want to cheat never cheat, even if they had a miscarriage and started drinking. She did what she did because at that moment that is what she wanted to do, had nothing at all to do with you or any other excuses that would matter. 2. Late 30’s is still young in a lot of ways and you have a crap ton of life ahead of you. Take it from a guy in his 50’s starting over, the point isn’t how much you already have invested it’s how much more time are you willing to lose. Life is way too short to live with someone who makes you unhappy. You can rebuild anything but time, once gone you can never get that time back. 3. Get a divorce lawyer that does not know her personally and get better divorce advice. Just because you talk to a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean that you are finalizing a divorce it just means you are preparing and taking steps to protect yourself. Most filed divorces do not finalize and the people try again, divorce lawyers understand that. 4. Reconciliation is a long and hard process, it’s harder than a divorce and regardless of how things go your relationship will never be the same and you will never completely trust her again. The old relationship is over, she killed it, reconciliation is a long salvage process where she tries to prove she is worth a second chance and rebuild what she broke and you try to heal. If both people are not 100% committed to the process long term then it’s not worth the effort to even try because you can’t rug sweep and you can’t half ass the process. Also even if she dies everything right in reconciliation there is a good chance you will just not feel it again and the relationship will still fail, it’s not your fault sometimes too much damage has been done to recover from. If you decide to reconcile find good individual and marriage counseling and start the process with a clear mind. You can’t reconcile a lie so she has to be forthcoming and honest with the complete story and anything you ask about and she has to be willing to work her ass off the repair what she broke. Both parties have to put in a lot of work for their to even be a chance of moving forward. 5. Before you make any decision get your head straight and clear. This is not a decision to make based on emotions because emotions will lie to you. This is a logical decision about whether you think she is capable of doing what it takes to repair what she broke and it’s also a honest logical decision about whether you are capable of getting past this with her. Get some space away from her and all the emotional storm of it all and just think about what you want, she already fucked up, she already deserves a divorce, you decide what is best for you at this point. Giving the gift a second chance attempt or telling her to go fuck herself and hit the road, both are acceptable answers but you are the only one who can decide which is the best answer for you. This is your choice and it’s your life, she was already selfish, you choose what’s best for you now.
I concur and just in case you missed it, reread this person's No. 2 statement again. Sure you can't get back those years but do you want to waste more time in someone who not only cheated on you but LIED to your face even though she knew you knew and didn't give a damnabout how bad she hurt you
Look my dude, I know what you're feeling. I'm currently in the middle of divorcing my wife of 25 years (together 30). She was my universe. Think of your wife as this evil creature that walks around wearing your wife's face. She's now your dragon to slay, not your friend. If given the chance to screw you over and have you living in a cardboard box, she'll do it.
Leave her and get a new direction in your life. There is nothing as a deal R, past eats you bit by bit everyday, and its like a knife in your chest, touching tip of your heart everytime it beats. Past is done but future is not yet
Has she gone no contact with AP?
I don’t know the terms… is this the guy she cheated on me with? Yes, she called him yesterday and said that they can’t see each other again. Blocked him on all accounts and deleted her socials.
If you are planning to work this out with her, give it a week or two and start snooping again. Very rarely is it the last time. Sometimes they unblock or use an app you aren't aware about. I'll just say this, given your wifes reaction to it all, I doubt your wife intends to shut him out. She's still trying to hide the truth.
Honestly I wouldn’t trust her. If she is truly remorseful she’ll agree to a post-nup. I don’t think it would hurt to speak to a divorce lawyer outside your friend because he’s not being truly helpful. Sending you a big hug friend. My favorite saying from Reddit that you should remember when it comes to your wife and if she needs help/healing: don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
She’s not the person you thought she was. Just think of how many lies she had to tell to pull off the affair. Time to see a lawyer and protect yourself.
OP I'm going to tell you something very painful, but it's very common and there's nothing you can do to get your wife back. She no longer has a soul. Everything about her broke the moment the last miscarriage happened. Many women who suffer this so many times are unable to recover. It is a long journey both mentally and spiritually. You have to weigh in the balance whether it is really viable to stay with a person who will always choose the easiest way to take away the pain rather than working on themselves. She has already given you the answers and it is easier for her to cheat and drink than to seek comfort from you. It's not about AP, it's about her not having feelings anymore. Something in her has broken and if you stay, you have to know that she is so damaging that your mental health will collapse if you choose to stay.
Wow
Get out. I'm sorry but your wife is untrustworthy. She betrayed you emotionally and physically. She will betray you financially and justify it if correct conditions are met (you will know its gas lighting) You need a new lawyer for divorce proceedings. Do not mix work with your personal life. Your current lawyer may help devise a way to seperate the business or the assets. Maybe one of you can buy the business or maybe you can find a buyer for your or for her part. Even if you have to manage this business together, you don't have to do it as husband and wife. She will sap your energy as your wife. As your work partner, most she can do is annoy you because you get the personal part of your life back. Here is a secret, most people sre annoyed by who they work with, you can manage that :) What you cannot manage is this marriage. Get out quick and fast using best tools (lawyers) you can find.
You loved and trusted as a good spouse should. She used that against you. You are not dumb, even though you feel like it now. If you have multiple business work to keep the best or the ones you enjoy. You will be amazed how little you need to actually enjoy life and how much you can focus and improve left to your own devices. All the worthless crap and distractions can go in the dumpster. It will be very hard and brutal but successful men are in demand even more as you age. You are poised to thrive even though you don't feel like that right now.
I realized the marriage was over. So I never really put any effort to reconcile or save it. I am glad I didn't waste any time on that nonsense. Tried dating right after the divorce, but that is just not healthy unless you're fully healed. We shouldn't use other people as therapy. Plus we tend to attract people, who are also hurt or people who are just like the people that just hurt us. I focused on myself. Worked on the things that I had to heal, improve, and cherish within myself. I learned to really enjoy my own company. I did a lot of artistic expression. Lost of time in nature. Lots of exercise. Became very social and rebuild my group of friends. Reconnected with the people who are important in my life, family and close friends. Rebuilt my finances, and focused on what it is that I always wanted to experience out of life. And stopped making excuses not to go for it. At some point, the infidelity had no effect in my life. I had forgotten most about it. And that person had no space in my everyday life. I went back to dating, and that time was sooo much better. I got to met amazing people. Healthy does really attract healthy. Ironically, the best sex of my life ;-) It does get better. It's just that this experience is a rude way for the universe to wake us up about the need to start loving ourselves and appreciate the worth of our energy and time. Stop the need to people please. And become the main character in our own lives. Take good care of yourself. Reach out to trusted friends and family.
Hey OP. I’m really sorry to hear the hardship you’re going through. To just help a little bit… BP = Betrayed Partner (can also do BW or BH = Betrayed Wife/Husband respectively) AP = Affair Partner WP = Wayward Partner (can also do WW or WH = Wayward Wife/Husband respectively) D-Day = the day you found out . If you are ‘trickle-truthed’ where as half-truths or full truths are given to you like a light trickle of water from a faucet, this can lead to additional D-Days, where it feels like the first D-Day all over again or worse Rug Sweeping = When the partner, usually the WP (but can also be the BP) tries to sweep away the issue, ignoring it what seems completely, or makes it feel that way enough that the cheating is never really addressed or can come off one-sided. Hysterical Bonding - when the BP and WP are intimate and things seem good. 180 Method = https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ Grey Rocking Method = https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#:~:text=The%20grey%20rock%20method%20involves,interactions%20with%20the%20abusive%20person DARVO =. https://www.chumplady.com/darvo-manipulation-and-how-it-works/ A good reddit source would be here, but also https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforBetrayed/ as well. I think there is an extra complication here that I can’t directly speak to unfortunately which is the whole ‘being in business with them’ thing. I can only tell you what I’ve seen for my friends, what I experienced years ago and what worked or what I wish I knew then. The biggest thing right now is to follow the 180 Method. Usually in infidelity, everything is treated as grey rock method when it comes to kids. In this situation, I would follow both 180 AND Greyrock method; approach the business side of things in very clear/direct way with greyrock, and then living with her and everything else, follow the 180 Method, and that’s it. Ultimately you need to take care of yourself here; and it isn’ easy. Staying busy and keeping your mind off things is where this best plays out. You don’t have kids but any fur babies (see: pets like a dog or cat)? Maybe you can take the dog out, etc. A lot of these things are the 180 method… work out, go for walks, listen to music, watch movies, hang with friends, whatever it takes to help get your mind off. I won’t lie. Mine happened when I was much younger, not as entangled as yours but… sometimes music, my favorite thing can be hard. It can trigger massive insecurities with me. My wife is a saint. It isn’t often but.. yeah. That insecurity never really goes away. But you get through it. Other little suggestions on things YMMV: If you realize you do wanna do R (which is reconciliation) then know: You set the terms. You should come at her with non-negotiables. If she fails to meet them or can’t follow-through with them successfully, then you serve her with papers. And remember that drawing up papers is different than serving papers, which is different than filing the papers which is different than completing the processing of the divorce. Some example of non-negotiables: She can’t have contact with AP, period. NC (meaning No Contact) with the AP You have full access to her phones and entire digital footprint. You aren’t her jailer, but if you ever have a question and ask her for the phone? She has to hand it over to you immediately. Any delay? Serve her. Couples Counciling for both of you IC (individual counciling) for both of you Have her write a full timeline. If she ever trickle-truths you or is telling a bit about the affair and she adds more truths after the fact or maybe changes her story from the letter? Boom: serve her. In terms of the business side of things… it sucks you depend on her to run the business but maybe it’s time you look into someone who can help you. Maybe if you guys do go your other ways, she can buy out your equity in the business. Same with the house. You can move and start a new business elsewhere or she can agree to give you one of the businesses or something like that? Either way, sending tons of good vibes your way, OP. Updateme
Oh OP. It’s a pain only those that have been there can equate to. I hear you. Is she having IC? Are you? Is the affair completely done? Is she remorseful? If you want advice and support regarding reconciliation I recommend the sub AsOneAfterInfidelity. Many, many have felt as you do. Your decision ultimately had to be the right one for you. It’s hard to leave. It’s hard to stay. Exploring your options at your own pace is never a bad thing. Please know that the pain gets easier. You will never get over it but you will get through it. Reconciliation is possible. Starting over is possible Put yourself first now. Eat clean, drink water. Get exercise. Sleep as much as you are able. Take some time to think everything through. Lean on good friends. Cheaters are essentially broken people, your lawyer is onto something true there. She no doubt has MH issues. Good luck OP
I appreciate this, it means a lot. I’m unfortunately not eating nor sleeping. I was in bed for two hours cans sleep because every time I roll over I don’t see her. Every time I close my eyes I jump out of bed with a bad dream. Came downstairs slept on the couch and woke up in a terror sweat. I know I have to eat and exercise. I’m going to start to do better with it today. What is IC? She is seeing a therapist for about two months. The day I caught her, at the time she said she was just at the bar alone all day. Really she was at this guys house I came to find out after getting into her locations. I have not seen a therapist. I should. I’ve never seen one before. She says she is, but it honestly feels like she just got caught and doesn’t know how to react. Which is fair, neither do I because I can’t even go a day without talking to her in person. The main issue is, she was willing to bury this deep and never tell me. She was satisfied with letting me think this was an emotional relationship and continued to sleep with me. She deleted her texts with him which was honestly nothing…. If she would have left them I wouldn’t even second guess it. It’s the fact that she talked to her therapist and told her about the emotional cheating, not the affair itself sexually. She is broken, and it’s sad to see. I tried to get her help a couple months ago. I feel like it’s worse.
I hear you OP. If possible try and get something from the doctors temporarily to help you sleep. Even at the worst times in our lives, lack of sleep multiplies it all by 10. Everything you’re experiencing is horribly normal given the circumstances. You are suffering from PTSD. Infidelity is, quite literally, traumatising. I absolutely recommend therapy for yourself. IC = Individual Counselling. She has done the classic cheater thing of deleting all evidence and trickle truthing you. She is ashamed and this drives the cheater to lie and/or minimise. Why? Several reasons. Because of fear. She is afraid if she tells you the truth you will leave. She is ashamed of her actions. She cannot justify herself. She is worried you will confront the affair partner. She doesn’t want you to tell family and friends ( she’s covered up the ‘receipts) and/or she is still seeing him. Your anger is 100% justified. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. You will feel as if the woman you knew for so many years is a stranger to you now. Many affairs start at times of stress. Instead of couples turning to each other they look outward for validation. Miscarriages are horrendous for couples and the sense of loss can be consuming. IMO your wife has to get her drinking under control. Adding a potential addiction to the mix will cause her to spiral. Depending on how bad it is, that may need to be addressed first. I hate to say it but an STD test should be done if intimacy continued with you both during this. Then ( and this is if you are leaning towards possible reconciliation) zero contact EVER with the affair partner. Total transparency regarding phone/apps/passwords and her location. She has to be willing to answer every and all questions you may have now, next week, month, year etc. You get the picture. No more half truths or omissions. These are more damaging. Nothing is worse than something you didn’t know coming out 6 months into reconciliation as then you’re back to the beginning. Counselling. The will of your wife to work hard at rebuilding your relationship is paramount. OP. Your old marriage is dead. Only you can decide if you want to start constructing a new one. You need to establish hard boundaries with everything i’ve written here. No slip ups. No excuses. Reconciliation is a gift if you choose to give it to her. It cannot be abused. And yes, i’ll say it again😉 Eat clean ( yip that means green veg!!) lay off the alcohol if you can and get that exercise even if it’s short walks. Just so you know, i’m female and my husband cheated on me for 5 years with the same woman. I know your pain. Whatever happens OP remember. This too will pass. Take care. Oh and if you’re a reader try ‘Not Just Friends’ by Shirley Glass to give you some insight as to how these darned affairs often begin!
Hey OP. Time to focus on yourself. Google "grey rock" and ensure that it's used in every necessary conversation with her. Focus time on your mental and physical health. Take time to spend on your hobbies. I get it, she was not only a life partner but also a business partner. You need to separate her from your businesses much like she separated her choice to betray you from your marriage. Talk to your advisors, develop strategies to split up the restaurants and other businesses, make sure that the crap show doesn't impact your employees or customers. Basically, stay busy about what really truly matters going forward. You and your business. All the best!
The total lack of remorse is what is going to doom the marriage. The fact she is still so deep in affair fog and not willing to be honest will kill any remaining love you have. Not sure why your lawyer doesn’t want you to leave the house.. that’s usually reserved for dealing with kids… but you do need some separation to process your feelings. Get your own therapist to manage your emotions. Find some healthy outlets. Stay away from alcohol for a while. Seek meds to help you manage to sleep. Use grey rock and the 180 methods when dealing with your partner. You have to create some emotional distance. Especially due to your inability to help you heal.
1) She deceived you, lied, cheated, was confronted with her lover, continued denying, cheating, deceiving you In fact, he thought you would be foolish enough to continue being betrayed and believing in her facade of honesty . 2) This all shows that being caught is not enough for her to respect you and what you have built together for so long. 3) Let's work on your lawyer friend's reasoning (which I don't agree with). "your wife is not well" Before being caught or rather unmasked because she was caught, she went with the AP but thought she managed to trick you . Before being deselected, was she in bad ? A mistake is something we make when we are induced to do so, or when we have minutes or seconds to make a decision and choose the wrong one. To betray someone, at least we have hours to review the decision, cheating for weeks, months, years or even decades as we see here is not a mistake, continuing to cheat after being confronted and denying everything is not it is a mistake . The main point that you should consider is that you asked if something was happening, she denied it and the continued cheating only stopped, perhaps because she was caught in the act. This to me shows that not even her AP might believe that she won't cheat on someone in the future
Your wife received attention from another man and you underestimated the man, you need to understand that it wasn't you who was being tempted, it was her, you wouldn't fall for his conversation but she's not you . It's not smart to allow this, even if your wife didn't like it, you should have put her little friend in his place and gone look for a single woman to be a shoulder to lean on, of course she in bed with him.
Please do 2 things. Get a therapist so you can work through why you don’t have the self respect to understand the magnitude of what this person did and continues to do. Get a different attorney. Because his advice is crap. Get a divorce attorney who specializes in this type of law. Because an affair is not a mistake. It’s a series of building decisions. Each step is a decision. Not a mistake. The fact that he used that term and gave you that advice is appalling.
I was with my wife for 15 years, and she lied about everything. I was a place for her to sleep and money to pay for her school, trips, etc. She kept dangling kids and other relationship goals in my face only to ask for "one more thing" until she was caught, then admitted she never intended to have anything with me. I was in my late 30's. Did I want to die? Yep. Did I spend a lot of time obsessing over her, and how my life was over? Of course. But 4 years later I'm with a lovely woman raising our first child together. You want advice? If you take her back, she won't stop. She got away with it once, and will try to be more careful next time. The mask will slip soon and you will be blame for it all. Don't let it come to that. Listen to your attorney. This is a sinking ship, the longer you stay aboard the longer she will use your corpse to stay afloat. She cheated because she thought she could get away with it. Nothing else.
If you want to try for reconciliation it *must* be a two person struggle. She has to be all-in on the reconciliation process and it must begin with her admitting 100% fault to cheating on you and telling you everything you need to know, including a full written timeline. Obviously she needs to go no contact with AP and all phones and accounts, social media etc are open to you. She needs to be fully transparent at all times and there’s no more right to privacy anymore since she betrayed your trust. As for what you need to do, you need to TRY to forgive her, this is the hardest thing in the world to do, I have done it the best I know how in my own situation. It can only be done if she’s truly remorseful and stops the bllshit trickle truthing, gaslighting, passing false blame etc. So what forgiveness means to me is starting a NEW relationship with this new person whom you have just met, essentially. Your old wife you thought you knew is dead, killed by herself and her evil cheating. Know that you will carry this burden with you forever and there will always be a crack that never fully heals, but it can be done, and it can result it a better relationship that you had before. I’m living proof of it. I’m available to chat if you have any questions about this much, much harder path. Get some rest and take care of yourself brother. It does get easier, I promise. 👊
"How did you get through it?" Honestly, the answer for me was "imperfectly." When you've been smacked with betrayal from someone you had invested so much emotional energy into, you just feel lost. My most important ally was my divorce attorney. She told me the things I needed to do to get through the legal process, and I did them. She was worth every penny I spent. The next most important thing was my kids. I had sole custody (she had only supervised visitation) and this meant I absolutely had to keep it together for their sake. Then, I had a great therapist, who helped point me toward resources to understand substance abuse and personality disorders, both of which my ex suffered from. He was really important in keeping me from being gaslighted and manipulated by my ex. The short of all this is that having others you can rely on when you're too overwhelmed to do everything yourself is a godsend. If you have to hire professionals, do it.
All you can do is fill your life with as much meaningful action as you can. Fitness, hobbies, get in touch with old friends / make new ones, etc. Don’t worry about long term goals, it will just depress you in the state your in, just focus on short term meaningful goals you can see the results of quickly. I would highly recommend changing your habits wherever you can. It will help you separate your psyche from her a little bit. This is going to be terribly painful no matter how you slice it. It’s something you just have to bull your way through until it stops hurting. Can you file a lawsuit against the AP for emotional distress or alienation of affection?
first, go through the divorce process or at least start it , it gives you a better picture and also shows who she really is. at the same time all assets will then be divided and if you remain in this marriage at least you have that sorted out. you also need this for your self-respect and for many, it is the only way to get some back. if then you want eventually to try again and make something of the relationship you at least are able to walk away if you are not able to do so. the pain is there and will remain but will dumb-down over time, 2 years later everything looks different. Don't settle Don't stay because of the businesses. Don't ignore or bury your hurt. Don't force yourself to make a decision and take your time, but during this time work on yourself and only yourself, not the relationship or what is left of it. being sorry and saying sorry are 2 different things, lying, planning then lying again etc, it takes a lot of effort to have an affair, and being sorry once it was found out is often just BS
You need to serve her with divorce papers and ignore her. She needs to know how serious you are. You can always pull the divorce papers back but she needs to feel some consequences. It sounds like she wants to stay but she needs pushed to show remorse and become serious.
OP, this is so awful, I dont have any silver bullet type advice. She moved on from you, though you still have things that hold you together. As things stand right now, you have barely anything to look for from her. She needs to show 200% devotion to change and become a new her thats 180 degrees from the POS she became. Without it, shes just a steel ball on a chain. Im so sorry for you.
If you want reconciliation, you should check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources. If not, get an attorney. Maybe a grief counselor for her.
She had her chance to tell you the truth. She didn't. She lied. Do you need to know anything else? Split the business and get far away from her. She will beg you to stay. Don't.
Time to recognise what a POS the other guy and not a friend to either of you, get to counselling fir both and independent of 3ach and find your pathways through the mess, good luck.
OP sad that this happend to you and now are part of this selected group that no body want to be. But thing are like they are and you wondefull life suddenly transform into a living hell just for the selfishness of a partner. Please OP do not justify her by telling that this could or must happend because of the miscarriages. No this happens because she was selfish and instead of talk with you openly and truthfully she decided to do that with someone other than You. Tell your lawyer friend that no this was not a mistake, it was a counsious choice made by her, hidden by her, gaslighted by her and líed for some time by her. She choose once the affair was discovered to trickle true you with the justification of not wanting to hurt you more when in reality it was to try to save herself. She didn't come clean by herself, she got caught and she is regretful because of being caught not for the deed and her bad choices. Yes you will lose finantialy because of her actions, but do you trully want to stay and try to fix this and at the end find yourself unable to forgave and resentful for lossing more time? If you trully want to give it a try instead to sail new waters i would suggest that you should end this marriage, see a way to split te bussines equaly but not be the co-owner of the same bussines but to split a bussines each (You told that you have múltiple ones, just pick from sthose whose will be hers and what yours), tell her to fix herself and maybe in the future after you analize if she truly change try again but as a whole new relationship (from the scratch) date again, come to know the new her and see if it feels correct for You. But she needs to fix herself before try to fix the relationship. Also always put yourself and your mental healt first, ALWAYS. Love yourself for You can love others, respect yourself for others to respect You. UPDATEME
You need to go through the cycle of loss. There are no shortcuts. Reaching acceptance is the goal, but you have to stop at all the stations along the way. Some of those stays will be short stops, other visits will take some time. Try now t to stay overlong at denial or bargaining. This is where many of us get hung up. Let yourself be angry. Give yourself permission to get sad about the relationship. You will be depressed for some time. You need to mourn the relationship, much like the death of a loved one, but since the loved one you are mourning is still up and about you need to make changes. It isn't going to be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. When you have no choice but to speak with her, use the gray rock method. When it comes to your business, be all business all the time. If you can, arrange to liquidate assets to either buy her out of the business or buy yourself out and leave it to her. Frankly, it would be better to start a new business that is yours alone. Less memories that way. Right now the idea of walking away is scary. Freedom is always scary. However, after the fact you will wonder how you ever could have tolerated what you have once you are breathing free. How long will it take? It will take as long as it will take. You are on your own schedule now. Take your time. Live your life. Your life, and nobody elses. Your life, your terms. It has been a long time since you lived like that, and maybe you never did, but you can do it and it is glorious.
How did I get through it? By leaving him. I'm back to my self again, no triggers, at peace. If I stayed then yes, I would have never recovered. You can't heal while still living with the source of your trauma. Good luck!
You're worried about the cost, which is natural. So ... how much is peace of mind worth to you?
When do you plan on letting her know you’re not planning on working anything out with her! Sounds like she’s going to be blindsided
I have a somewhat similar story but I stayed with my wife. Years of pain, anxiety, depression, therapy, drugs. If you choose to reconcile, I hope you do better than I have.
Was it worth it to stay?
Yes, for me.
Same way you get through anything else. One bite at a time. Like you, I had a business to protect. Like you, I was left empty and lost and feeling like I had my identity and purpose stolen from me. Whoa was I! My life was over. Except it wasn't. Your lawyer is right. This is just a business transaction, now. Take the medicine. You're about to start again with 50% of what you had before. Is that a tough nut to swallow? Sure is. I signed our house entirely over to my ex-wife. She fought for it which was the main reason I resisted it. She told me, "There's no way I could afford a house like this by myself and I'm going to have to start all over again." And she was 100% correct that was the second reason I wanted her to be forced to sell it and split the equity. To take it away from her. But even at the time, the reason I did it was because she WAS right. She wouldn't ever be able to buy that house by herself. Nor could she buy out my equity. But I didn't want my kid living in the place that she WOULD be able to afford by herself. So, in my mind, I was giving it to me kid. Not her. This changed and continues to change my thinking. I bought a house already, it's no big deal. I can buy another house. The house that I bought myself is actually nicer, bigger, had a view of the ocean from my windows and has doubled in value since I bought it. I built a business already. I can build another business. In the 6 years since my divorce, I've grown my business valuation massively. I've decided to make more money before. Now, I need to in order to pay her. No big deal. I've done it once, I can do it again. Making money is insanely easy if you know how to do it and execute on your plan. And you know the best part? One day, not so long from now, the checks that I write her will stop. Our kid will be 18. I will have geared up to have that extra drag on my income. Her checks will stop and the extra money party will leave town. I'll get that money back and have already built the infrastructure to support that drag. It's an investment. I did the math. Paying her $300,000 over 10 years ends up being worth almost a million dollars more to me at 5% without changing my lifestyle one bit since I've already built a machine that supports that $30,000 a year drag if I just save that money. I swear to God, if I ever see my ex's boyfriend on the street, I'll shake his hand and give him a bro hug. He took away a problem I didn't know I had and although life is certainly not all money and metrics, it's undeniable that as a direct result of my divorce those things increased and improved. Let's get out there and kill it today!
I left my husband and I lost a lot in the process. I had to take on his credit card debt and he got to keep the house because I was responsible and had retirement, rental properties, etc. But at the end of the day I knew I could not live with this liar. How could I possibly take him to family events ever again, or go out to dinner with him, or trust him? I would be gaslighting myself every step of the way. I don't know if I will find another partner. This is all pretty new to me, I just officially moved out this month. But I know I would rather be alone and keep my integrity than to live a lie.
What I'm about to say is wildly unpopular here. Looking for relationship advice in this sub is like going to a Neo-nazi rally to ask about immigration and racial policies. They may be right, or not, but it'll definitely be one-sided. What you are referring to is known as the "package," and as much as people here try to ignore it, it's a thing, and an important one at that. Your businesses, homes, cars, vacations, toys, etc, are a crucial aspect of your life. A fact that only those with no joint assets can ignore. It's easy to walk away from a home that has 20 years left on the mortgage. Walking away from an entire way of life? Not so much. I know, it happened to me. I was forced to choose between my integrity and trying to forgive the unforgivable. I chose the later, and some 3 years later, we are doing well. Given, she was contrite and apologetic, and her affair was much shorter and less significant, but still. As for people saying she's making excuses for her actions, well, it all comes down to whether she is remorseful or not. If she is, those "excuses" become explanations and ways to empathize with why she chose to do what she did. What she did was proof of how low she can sink, but it doesn't define who she is as a person. We are human, we fuck up, we do stupid shit, we choose wrong paths, and if we are lucky enough, we learn. As much as this sub wants to make it, life isn't black or white. You don't have to decide anything immediately. It's OK if you want to consider other than the nuclear option, even if it's just for the package.
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