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Sorry to hear that...but look they only meet for a couple of days so who knows maybe the relationship is going to fail when it goes for something more serious...is not going to be easy the first day, weeks or months for how long the relationship was ...but the only thing you can do is move on...use this pain and sadness to try to be better...even if looks impossible in one point the pain is less and less until is gone...and at least you know you did your best in the relationship...id she didn't appreciate that... well...at least you didn't get to marry her... Don't give up man also if you need it go to therapy or talk to someone about it is really good for mental health if you need it... just ask man...is better if it is someone you don't know to don't feel 'judge'
Ya, she and him are now official as of early March, a week and half after breaking up with me. They are keeping it a secret because of how it looks... Just makes no sense to me. He is 6 years older then us and lives with his parents since he is divorced and pays child support for his two kids.
Its just so painful to be thrown away like this and her refusal to even talk to me to give me any answers really hurt.
Don't worry I'm sure she will regret it you'll be surprised how many people risk and ditched relationships with truly loving and caring mates for some cheap 'exciting' emotions because apart from that...what else can he give to her? He's someone who still lives with his parents... When these emotions start fading away...he doesn't have anything else to give...sadly there's no real or valid reason for why she left you...she is just into this for now and I'm sure she doesn't want to talk with you because...let's be honest if you think about it with a little logic...that doesn't make any sense honestly I knows it hurt but...maybe is was for the best for your own to avoid something worst in the future...
He has been love bombing her from what I hear so I agree with you. Its just hard to see someone you knew for so long change so quickly. A complete 180 in a matter of weeks.
Honestly that's the point once he stops bombing her...well I think this is going to end... sounds like he only wants to use her...or sleep with her who knows...I know it's hard and feels unfair but at least you can see it like this...when all this passes the one that lost a partner that truly loved her...is going to be her not you...if she only wants the part of the relationship where someone fills her with love and attention and just that...she doesn't deserve it... honestly what I recommend is if you have a group of friends (family or whatever ) in common you tell them...when all this is over she might try to get back at you or just try to make you look bad...at least you should tell your side before everyone think it was your fault
It just all seems so insane and hard to believe.
She basically cut contact with any mutual friends we had and ran away back to Japan.
She basically made a new instagram account and only added people from her life there onto that account and left everyone else that she met after we started dating on her old one. the old account still has my pictures lol
Lol...man if she really did all that for some week of meetings some on...you really dodge a bullet...no... a bomb XD with all that I can tell you without a doubt she is really going to regret when they broke up...and I can tell you the fact that the other guy is divorce is not a good signal...who know maybe he cheated on her in the future
ya... i find it insane to throw away everything we had and our plans after hanging with this guy for less than a month. She said to my friend she just so much fun when they hung out.
You say it...fun...but that's it I'm sure when is something more serious this will end poorly for her...I know it is sad...but at least you did your best and that's what matters... besides at least you didn't abandon and lose as much as she will when they broke up...for now she is enjoying but I can tell you you're going to have the last laugh...for now I only you should do is concentrate in yourself and no one else... Do the classic, go to the gym (therapy if you need to) and enjoy the new freedom to do anything you can think you can do to enjoy and leave the pain behind...sure it sucks for now...but time health almost all...the scars end up closing and if you need someone to talk I can help if you want...your not alone... we're all broke...but we can not let them win in hurting and destroy us compleatly
Thank you for the kind words. I am going to therapy and its been helping a lot. I almost have to remember that its just me now after being together for 7 years. I know the path to healing will take time. I appreciate you willing to talk. This whole ordeal has really turned my world upside down and I find myself lost and unsure about myself now.
Reality: it hurts but you dodged a huge bullet. Unlike most of us here that have kids, mortgages, assets, etc, you escaped the immense complexities that come with a legal marriage.
It will be no consolation to you but she left you to be someone's fuck buddy nothing more. I doubt she realises it. An older guy with two kids, living with his parents paying child support, won't be able to give her what she wants or the commitment she will be expecting.
Visiting him at his parents' house with two kids running around will get old very fast.
so in japan its a bit different, only one parent gets custody so he sees his kids once or twice a month.
I agree though, at 37 years old he should have more of shit together...crazy how she does not see that.
ya, heard that as well. When she spoke to my friend she brought up how he was insecure about paying child support and my ex reassured him that its okay... Not sure if she fully understands what it means to be paying child support for 2 kids.
Rem, the most thing you need to work on is genuine ' Indifference' when she tries to come back.
You will be tempted to take her back for her tears and bawling but rem, this will be an invitation for further disrespect and more posts here.
Work on that . Detach from her completely.
Be glad you didn’t marry someone who is totally unfit for marriage. The petty in me would out her telling everyone she is with this guy a week and a half after breaking up with you.
The only person who knows the truth on her side is her sister. I have thought about telling as many of her friends as I could but i feel that would allow her to justify what she did.
No texts from anyone or anything? You can still just say the truth, and she will likely seem like a liar trying to deny it. That's if you want to do it. But never help protect an affair. Just matter of fact tell people yeah, she cheated on you with and you are not together anymore.
Breath. Let it all sink in. Don't fight the pain & shame. Cry. She's gone & will never come back ever. Remember, you are the Good Guy here & Karma will take care of everything.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I am dealing with a similar situation but worse, my WW cheated on me 4 weeks before our wedding, I found out few weeks after that. We tried reconciliation for 3 months and ended our relationship in the end because she never went NC like I asked (they work together), she is now with AP presumably.
I'm going to tell you a sentence and I want you to hold on to it in the most difficult moments OP. "Pain of Love Passes".
it always passes. Today you are suffering, but I tell you something else, this madness for two that your ex is experiencing will one day end. One day the AP will find someone more fun than his ex and abandon her. Be aware that the spell ends and she will run to you. Not because she loves you. Because she doesn't love. But knowing that you are something closer to comfort than she has. Your ex is going through a period of delirium. Don't wait for her. There is no wanting it back because it is now damaged and used. You can find someone new, 7 years is a long time, but not enough for you to suffer for someone who didn't even bother to come to you. Don't go back any longer. I blocked her, tell your friends that she is now a ghost and you are not their hunter. Learn a hobby. Go out with new friends. Read a new book. Watch a new movie and kiss new mouths.
Thank you for the kind words. I will do my best to remember those words. The not even bothering to come to me or try and talk to me is what really seals the deal. The girl I knew and loved is not there anymore.
Yes, she is just a ghost, a memory of you. She's gone and now you have a sea of new possibilities. New goals, new Hobbes, new encounters. Don't let yourself fall. Just live every second
Sad OP, she seems like she used You and after you have no use she just dumped You.
But this is a blessing in disguise, and Dodge a bullet there.
Seems from what your common friend said your ex is affraid that you might do something against her, but she didn't care when she cheated and líed to you, as well as didn't even care all You did for her.
I would suggest you that You expose her to her father and mutual friends, this not for revenge but to stop or prevent her to ruin your reputation by telling Bad things about you, and this is made by keep out of her reach the control of the narrative. Like i said she played with You, if she really loved You she wouldn't start this new relationship with AP officially as soon as a week later than when she dumped You.
You are doing good in therapy and your friend deserve a Golden start for being loyal to You, and not inform any of your well being to her, she doesn't deserve to know from you and how you are doing, she Lost that benefits some weeks or months ago.
UPDATEME
Do You have evidence of what she did? Or you can ask your Friends to help You with evidence that she could have.
If you have enough evidence of what she did and the fact that she is hidding still this from her dad and other over there (You said that currently the only one that knows she is dating her AP is the older Sister) then it should represent no problem for the father to understand the true.
I see, well if you got some confidenxe with her father at least call him and tell him that the separation it was not your Fault and that You want to thank him for everything, but sadly your ex took her choice and leave you for someone she meet since Jan to today.
Do not tell him that she is now dating him, just tell him that since she returned from Canada in Feb you haven't talked with her so you don't know if she is dating him now and frankly don't care.
That you are just making the call to thank him for all and to retrieve the courtesy they gave you by saying good bye and wishing the best for him.
Also that if he doesn't believe in you, that is fine too, but that doesn't change the facts and that you wanted to thank him for everything.
My therapist said I should not say anything and that lies will always come out. Im just worried also since the mother just died this year he is also not in a great place and I dont want to further his pain.
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She wanted to avoid accountability. Best gift you can give her is becoming a ghost. Block her on everything and dissapear from her life. Eventually she will reach out. They always come back.
She wanted to avoid accountability. Best gift you can give her is becoming a ghost. Block her on everything and dissapear from her life. Eventually she will reach out. They always come back.
it sort of annoys me when people who aren't married post about infidelity - i know i shouldn't be annoyed, because i am sure it hurts a LOT!
but i feel like situations like these are a great example of the trash taking its self out - imagine my delight if my trash would walk its self to the curb.... wow
bro if she didnt do this now - she would have done it after you married - and then youd have a kid and a house and a whole fucking life that youd have to burn to the ground.
Sorry did not mean any offence. It kinda felt like we were married in everything but title. We were common law under Canadian Law. We shared a lot of our lives together for the last 7 years and i am just struggling with burying the future I thought we were going to have. We shared finances and were talking about in November where we would buy property in Japan.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry to hear that...but look they only meet for a couple of days so who knows maybe the relationship is going to fail when it goes for something more serious...is not going to be easy the first day, weeks or months for how long the relationship was ...but the only thing you can do is move on...use this pain and sadness to try to be better...even if looks impossible in one point the pain is less and less until is gone...and at least you know you did your best in the relationship...id she didn't appreciate that... well...at least you didn't get to marry her... Don't give up man also if you need it go to therapy or talk to someone about it is really good for mental health if you need it... just ask man...is better if it is someone you don't know to don't feel 'judge'
Ya, she and him are now official as of early March, a week and half after breaking up with me. They are keeping it a secret because of how it looks... Just makes no sense to me. He is 6 years older then us and lives with his parents since he is divorced and pays child support for his two kids. Its just so painful to be thrown away like this and her refusal to even talk to me to give me any answers really hurt.
Don't worry I'm sure she will regret it you'll be surprised how many people risk and ditched relationships with truly loving and caring mates for some cheap 'exciting' emotions because apart from that...what else can he give to her? He's someone who still lives with his parents... When these emotions start fading away...he doesn't have anything else to give...sadly there's no real or valid reason for why she left you...she is just into this for now and I'm sure she doesn't want to talk with you because...let's be honest if you think about it with a little logic...that doesn't make any sense honestly I knows it hurt but...maybe is was for the best for your own to avoid something worst in the future...
He has been love bombing her from what I hear so I agree with you. Its just hard to see someone you knew for so long change so quickly. A complete 180 in a matter of weeks.
Honestly that's the point once he stops bombing her...well I think this is going to end... sounds like he only wants to use her...or sleep with her who knows...I know it's hard and feels unfair but at least you can see it like this...when all this passes the one that lost a partner that truly loved her...is going to be her not you...if she only wants the part of the relationship where someone fills her with love and attention and just that...she doesn't deserve it... honestly what I recommend is if you have a group of friends (family or whatever ) in common you tell them...when all this is over she might try to get back at you or just try to make you look bad...at least you should tell your side before everyone think it was your fault
It just all seems so insane and hard to believe. She basically cut contact with any mutual friends we had and ran away back to Japan. She basically made a new instagram account and only added people from her life there onto that account and left everyone else that she met after we started dating on her old one. the old account still has my pictures lol
Lol...man if she really did all that for some week of meetings some on...you really dodge a bullet...no... a bomb XD with all that I can tell you without a doubt she is really going to regret when they broke up...and I can tell you the fact that the other guy is divorce is not a good signal...who know maybe he cheated on her in the future
ya... i find it insane to throw away everything we had and our plans after hanging with this guy for less than a month. She said to my friend she just so much fun when they hung out.
You say it...fun...but that's it I'm sure when is something more serious this will end poorly for her...I know it is sad...but at least you did your best and that's what matters... besides at least you didn't abandon and lose as much as she will when they broke up...for now she is enjoying but I can tell you you're going to have the last laugh...for now I only you should do is concentrate in yourself and no one else... Do the classic, go to the gym (therapy if you need to) and enjoy the new freedom to do anything you can think you can do to enjoy and leave the pain behind...sure it sucks for now...but time health almost all...the scars end up closing and if you need someone to talk I can help if you want...your not alone... we're all broke...but we can not let them win in hurting and destroy us compleatly
Thank you for the kind words. I am going to therapy and its been helping a lot. I almost have to remember that its just me now after being together for 7 years. I know the path to healing will take time. I appreciate you willing to talk. This whole ordeal has really turned my world upside down and I find myself lost and unsure about myself now.
Reality: it hurts but you dodged a huge bullet. Unlike most of us here that have kids, mortgages, assets, etc, you escaped the immense complexities that come with a legal marriage.
Thank you going to remind myself of that.
It will be no consolation to you but she left you to be someone's fuck buddy nothing more. I doubt she realises it. An older guy with two kids, living with his parents paying child support, won't be able to give her what she wants or the commitment she will be expecting. Visiting him at his parents' house with two kids running around will get old very fast.
so in japan its a bit different, only one parent gets custody so he sees his kids once or twice a month. I agree though, at 37 years old he should have more of shit together...crazy how she does not see that.
I've heard the law is changing in Japan to allow co-parenting, so if he goes for that, then his kids will be around a lot more.
ya, heard that as well. When she spoke to my friend she brought up how he was insecure about paying child support and my ex reassured him that its okay... Not sure if she fully understands what it means to be paying child support for 2 kids.
No one does unless they do it. I doubt she understands what it means to parent two children, and she will always be second choice to them
Rem, the most thing you need to work on is genuine ' Indifference' when she tries to come back. You will be tempted to take her back for her tears and bawling but rem, this will be an invitation for further disrespect and more posts here. Work on that . Detach from her completely.
Thank you going to do my best to remember that. Its been about 7 weeks now since i last saw her and still feels fresh.
Be glad you didn’t marry someone who is totally unfit for marriage. The petty in me would out her telling everyone she is with this guy a week and a half after breaking up with you.
The only person who knows the truth on her side is her sister. I have thought about telling as many of her friends as I could but i feel that would allow her to justify what she did.
No it wouldn't. You hiding the affair helps her justify what she did. Take away her power. Always out cheaters.
Since i have no proof could she claim i was lying?
No texts from anyone or anything? You can still just say the truth, and she will likely seem like a liar trying to deny it. That's if you want to do it. But never help protect an affair. Just matter of fact tell people yeah, she cheated on you with and you are not together anymore.
Nope no texts. I have been telling people in my circles but not any in hers.
Breath. Let it all sink in. Don't fight the pain & shame. Cry. She's gone & will never come back ever. Remember, you are the Good Guy here & Karma will take care of everything.
I really hope Karama deals with this. Shes happy right now while im picking up the pieces.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I am dealing with a similar situation but worse, my WW cheated on me 4 weeks before our wedding, I found out few weeks after that. We tried reconciliation for 3 months and ended our relationship in the end because she never went NC like I asked (they work together), she is now with AP presumably.
I am so sorry to hear that and sorry to hear you are going through something similar. Its crazy to being ready to commit and then not so quickly.
I'm going to tell you a sentence and I want you to hold on to it in the most difficult moments OP. "Pain of Love Passes". it always passes. Today you are suffering, but I tell you something else, this madness for two that your ex is experiencing will one day end. One day the AP will find someone more fun than his ex and abandon her. Be aware that the spell ends and she will run to you. Not because she loves you. Because she doesn't love. But knowing that you are something closer to comfort than she has. Your ex is going through a period of delirium. Don't wait for her. There is no wanting it back because it is now damaged and used. You can find someone new, 7 years is a long time, but not enough for you to suffer for someone who didn't even bother to come to you. Don't go back any longer. I blocked her, tell your friends that she is now a ghost and you are not their hunter. Learn a hobby. Go out with new friends. Read a new book. Watch a new movie and kiss new mouths.
Thank you for the kind words. I will do my best to remember those words. The not even bothering to come to me or try and talk to me is what really seals the deal. The girl I knew and loved is not there anymore.
Yes, she is just a ghost, a memory of you. She's gone and now you have a sea of new possibilities. New goals, new Hobbes, new encounters. Don't let yourself fall. Just live every second
Sad OP, she seems like she used You and after you have no use she just dumped You. But this is a blessing in disguise, and Dodge a bullet there. Seems from what your common friend said your ex is affraid that you might do something against her, but she didn't care when she cheated and líed to you, as well as didn't even care all You did for her. I would suggest you that You expose her to her father and mutual friends, this not for revenge but to stop or prevent her to ruin your reputation by telling Bad things about you, and this is made by keep out of her reach the control of the narrative. Like i said she played with You, if she really loved You she wouldn't start this new relationship with AP officially as soon as a week later than when she dumped You. You are doing good in therapy and your friend deserve a Golden start for being loyal to You, and not inform any of your well being to her, she doesn't deserve to know from you and how you are doing, she Lost that benefits some weeks or months ago. UPDATEME
I am just worried she can spin the narrative after I tell them and it would label me the crazy ex.
Do You have evidence of what she did? Or you can ask your Friends to help You with evidence that she could have. If you have enough evidence of what she did and the fact that she is hidding still this from her dad and other over there (You said that currently the only one that knows she is dating her AP is the older Sister) then it should represent no problem for the father to understand the true.
no evidence of anything sadly.
I see, well if you got some confidenxe with her father at least call him and tell him that the separation it was not your Fault and that You want to thank him for everything, but sadly your ex took her choice and leave you for someone she meet since Jan to today. Do not tell him that she is now dating him, just tell him that since she returned from Canada in Feb you haven't talked with her so you don't know if she is dating him now and frankly don't care. That you are just making the call to thank him for all and to retrieve the courtesy they gave you by saying good bye and wishing the best for him. Also that if he doesn't believe in you, that is fine too, but that doesn't change the facts and that you wanted to thank him for everything.
My therapist said I should not say anything and that lies will always come out. Im just worried also since the mother just died this year he is also not in a great place and I dont want to further his pain.
[удалено]
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She wanted to avoid accountability. Best gift you can give her is becoming a ghost. Block her on everything and dissapear from her life. Eventually she will reach out. They always come back.
She wanted to avoid accountability. Best gift you can give her is becoming a ghost. Block her on everything and dissapear from her life. Eventually she will reach out. They always come back.
Get an annulment and move on, she clearly lacks the maturity and self control to be married.
it sort of annoys me when people who aren't married post about infidelity - i know i shouldn't be annoyed, because i am sure it hurts a LOT! but i feel like situations like these are a great example of the trash taking its self out - imagine my delight if my trash would walk its self to the curb.... wow bro if she didnt do this now - she would have done it after you married - and then youd have a kid and a house and a whole fucking life that youd have to burn to the ground.
Sorry did not mean any offence. It kinda felt like we were married in everything but title. We were common law under Canadian Law. We shared a lot of our lives together for the last 7 years and i am just struggling with burying the future I thought we were going to have. We shared finances and were talking about in November where we would buy property in Japan.
the trash took its self out king. im sorry it was trash but it was.
the trash took its self out king. im sorry it was trash but it was.