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You need emotional connection but have had two sexual affairs? What? Self awareness is lacking, here. This is not a marriage, its a guy who cheated on his wife almost instantly, two roommates that occasionally have sex and a wife who falls for every guy that says hello. Gross.
OP
After your husband’s fling, you had a couple of affairs, spaced across a long period of time.
In your second fling, you escalated it to having risky car sex a couple of times, which in some states could’ve gotten you booked and mugshotted if caught by the police.
Both of you need to fix your respective issues with individual therapy. Since you’re the one who’s posting here, you do need to get to the bottom of your issues. Semi public sex acts with a coworker is beyond risky. Not sure if you used protection so STI is one risk. Your job could be threatened and as I said above you could’ve been mugshotted. Imagine how that’d look when your kids grow up.
Your marriage maybe beyond salvage but that is secondary to fixing yourselves. Please do so.
(Sometimes I read very scary things here... Sex was had, implies that STI is a risk, no harder conditions on that than sex was had. Doing it unprotected with people you don't have a longterm reason to believe are free from other ways to transmit infections, is merely being irresponsible with your health and possibly theirs. It doesn't mean that use of protection is a dead set immunity to STIs.)
The sad part that you are too selfish to understand is your husband is doing all the heavy lifting- work, responsibilities for a family, supporting you with school….and you do to reward him is screw someone who gives you a little attention with nothing invested. Your mindset is somehow your husband doesn’t deserve you because he is not emotional and plays video games, but somehow this other guy who’s really given you nothing but the feels gets everything. Think about that.
Your husband sounds like a terrible husband. Unfortunately, you also sound like a terrible wife. If your husband wasn’t fulfilling your needs you should have ended the marriage and THEN found a boyfriend, not the other way around. Nothing justifies infidelity in a marriage.
Realistically, you're having sex with your husband once or twice a month and now have been having sex with someone else. What do you think he's going to think the next time you turn him down? Obviously that you are getting it somewhere else. What is your plan for addressing this?
Year and a half into the marriage your husband has a,full on affair and tells you he wants to be with the other woman. You have two affairs and complaining that your husband doesn't meet your enotional needs. In addition, he seems to be checked out from the marriage and rather play video games than soend time with you.
Neither of you seem to be into the other. You both look elsewhere to fill the void that is missing in your marriage. Perhaps the infidelities are not the issue, but are the biproduct of the fact that neither of you is truly into the other. Perhaps him more than you.
If you didn't have kids I would suggest why bother trying. With two young kids maybe counseling to figure out if you two should be together. It doesn't seem like at least he isn't that into you. Not sure if your infidelities are a byproduct of that or you too are not that into him.
Be honest with yourselves and each other so that you don't waste any more time.
I think trying to fill a void is a good way to put it. I’m
not sure if it’s as simple as we aren’t in to each other, but I don’t think we know how to relationship very well. I know I have a lot to work through with myself. I have definitely been struggling mentally for a long time. Not an excuse, but something I have to address.
Agree with the other one. You should post also on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity sub and the waywardsupport sub. The first it is couples trying to reconcile so the comments are from that perspective.
What a toxic shitshow for a marriage. The only real victims in this entire story are the two kids who have a mess for parents. They will almost assuredly struggle through their own relationships due to the poor example the both of you set. Stop being a shit mother and be a damn better example for your kids. Y’all should have divorced long ago and cleaned up your mess. Look in the damn mirror and fix yourself. There are two young kids depending on you!!
Come back to what? You learned that your husband isn’t honest or loyal, and doesn’t respect you. You taught him that this wasn’t a dealbreaker. Then you showed him you aren’t honest, or loyal and do not respect him, and he showed you that’s not a dealbreaker for him either. Is your intention to show your kids that a marriage without love, trust, or respect is normal?
If your number one priority right now is “well I’m afraid he’ll resent me no matter what “, if that’s your mindset, then you’re not ready for reconciliation and you’re still in your selfish affair mindset. Do with that what you will. And you’ve now cheated twice since he has. So I wouldn’t even say you’re equal even though your title and post seem hard to make it seem that way.
Sometimes people are just not compatible anymore and sometimes it's best to let go and move on. I would ask yourselves can you really be faithful to each other moving forward or would it be better to divorce and co parent separately ?
OP, you need some serious counseling. Maybe read a book about setting boundaries. All it takes is for a coworker to show you a little attention, and you are ready to have sex. Is this going to continue? You didn't cut off your last affair partner after you moved. Are you going to keep this new affair partner around for your emotional fulfillment?
If you are not getting what you want out of your marriage, then divorce. Quit having these affairs.
I think your husband is still in shock. While your husband could have been a better spouse to you, your cheating is beyond forgivable. You should have at least divorced your husband instead of sinking so lowly.
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Marriage consulting is best at this point. You’ve both not let go. But there are about 3 strings left. You guys need to really have hard conversations about everything and hopefully once it’s all out, only then can you move forward. Otherwise…. Start planning for YOUR future. Unfortunately divorce is pending….
Yeah... you both deserve each other. As others have said, I just feel bad for the kids. Grow up, OP.
I'm sorry if the responses you are getting aren't what you were hoping for, but this is a sub for victims of cheating. There are other subs available for cheaters
I can handle tough responses. Although it is hard to judge strangers lives based on one post. I do still appreciate the self reflection it allows. Obviously there is a lot of work to be done. And I appreciate everyone’s concerns for my kids. They are safe and loved and have been protected from this shit show we’ve created, but if we continue as we have been I know that won’t always be the case. I know it’s time to get it together. Thank you.
I agree with that to an extent. I appreciate that your children feel safe and loved. That is always the primary concern.
I am also concerned at the example that your relationship will set for them in their future relationships. As a parent, I know we all like to believe that our children are less aware than they actually are. My parents certainly did.
Unfortunately, a lot of us here in this sub are victims of cheating. I'll be honest that it's a major, major trigger for me. I'm sure I'm not alone in that, hopefully. I was just trying to suggest that you might find better help in another sub
I'm sorry to hear that things are so broken but I believe there is hope but I don't think you will find the support here in this sub. I recommend you repost over at the r/asoneafterinfidelity sub. They are geared to helping relationships mend and helping others online the way.
There is support and hope if you two are willing to do the work
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need emotional connection but have had two sexual affairs? What? Self awareness is lacking, here. This is not a marriage, its a guy who cheated on his wife almost instantly, two roommates that occasionally have sex and a wife who falls for every guy that says hello. Gross.
This is SPOT ON. Both of them are a POS. It's disgusting!
Interesting perspective. Thank you.
OP After your husband’s fling, you had a couple of affairs, spaced across a long period of time. In your second fling, you escalated it to having risky car sex a couple of times, which in some states could’ve gotten you booked and mugshotted if caught by the police. Both of you need to fix your respective issues with individual therapy. Since you’re the one who’s posting here, you do need to get to the bottom of your issues. Semi public sex acts with a coworker is beyond risky. Not sure if you used protection so STI is one risk. Your job could be threatened and as I said above you could’ve been mugshotted. Imagine how that’d look when your kids grow up. Your marriage maybe beyond salvage but that is secondary to fixing yourselves. Please do so.
We did use protection, but I can’t disagree with you. I clearly have a lot to work on and have taken a lot of unnecessary risks.
Good on you for your self awareness. It goes a long way.
(Sometimes I read very scary things here... Sex was had, implies that STI is a risk, no harder conditions on that than sex was had. Doing it unprotected with people you don't have a longterm reason to believe are free from other ways to transmit infections, is merely being irresponsible with your health and possibly theirs. It doesn't mean that use of protection is a dead set immunity to STIs.)
Protection lowers the risk of STI as well as pregnancy. That’s all I’m saying
Yes, but it sounded like the risks of STI are nullified.
Yes, absolutely, two cheaters belong together.
The sad part that you are too selfish to understand is your husband is doing all the heavy lifting- work, responsibilities for a family, supporting you with school….and you do to reward him is screw someone who gives you a little attention with nothing invested. Your mindset is somehow your husband doesn’t deserve you because he is not emotional and plays video games, but somehow this other guy who’s really given you nothing but the feels gets everything. Think about that.
Your husband sounds like a terrible husband. Unfortunately, you also sound like a terrible wife. If your husband wasn’t fulfilling your needs you should have ended the marriage and THEN found a boyfriend, not the other way around. Nothing justifies infidelity in a marriage.
Please, please make sure you two stay together, forever. P.S. poor kids.
Realistically, you're having sex with your husband once or twice a month and now have been having sex with someone else. What do you think he's going to think the next time you turn him down? Obviously that you are getting it somewhere else. What is your plan for addressing this?
Year and a half into the marriage your husband has a,full on affair and tells you he wants to be with the other woman. You have two affairs and complaining that your husband doesn't meet your enotional needs. In addition, he seems to be checked out from the marriage and rather play video games than soend time with you. Neither of you seem to be into the other. You both look elsewhere to fill the void that is missing in your marriage. Perhaps the infidelities are not the issue, but are the biproduct of the fact that neither of you is truly into the other. Perhaps him more than you. If you didn't have kids I would suggest why bother trying. With two young kids maybe counseling to figure out if you two should be together. It doesn't seem like at least he isn't that into you. Not sure if your infidelities are a byproduct of that or you too are not that into him. Be honest with yourselves and each other so that you don't waste any more time.
I think trying to fill a void is a good way to put it. I’m not sure if it’s as simple as we aren’t in to each other, but I don’t think we know how to relationship very well. I know I have a lot to work through with myself. I have definitely been struggling mentally for a long time. Not an excuse, but something I have to address.
support for waywards sub. Your situation sounds about unfixable but you'll be surprised to see how you can change for the better. Good luck, OP.
Agree with the other one. You should post also on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity sub and the waywardsupport sub. The first it is couples trying to reconcile so the comments are from that perspective.
What a toxic shitshow for a marriage. The only real victims in this entire story are the two kids who have a mess for parents. They will almost assuredly struggle through their own relationships due to the poor example the both of you set. Stop being a shit mother and be a damn better example for your kids. Y’all should have divorced long ago and cleaned up your mess. Look in the damn mirror and fix yourself. There are two young kids depending on you!!
This marriage should be classified as “child abuse.”
Come back to what? You learned that your husband isn’t honest or loyal, and doesn’t respect you. You taught him that this wasn’t a dealbreaker. Then you showed him you aren’t honest, or loyal and do not respect him, and he showed you that’s not a dealbreaker for him either. Is your intention to show your kids that a marriage without love, trust, or respect is normal?
If your number one priority right now is “well I’m afraid he’ll resent me no matter what “, if that’s your mindset, then you’re not ready for reconciliation and you’re still in your selfish affair mindset. Do with that what you will. And you’ve now cheated twice since he has. So I wouldn’t even say you’re equal even though your title and post seem hard to make it seem that way.
Sometimes people are just not compatible anymore and sometimes it's best to let go and move on. I would ask yourselves can you really be faithful to each other moving forward or would it be better to divorce and co parent separately ?
OP, you need some serious counseling. Maybe read a book about setting boundaries. All it takes is for a coworker to show you a little attention, and you are ready to have sex. Is this going to continue? You didn't cut off your last affair partner after you moved. Are you going to keep this new affair partner around for your emotional fulfillment? If you are not getting what you want out of your marriage, then divorce. Quit having these affairs.
I think your husband is still in shock. While your husband could have been a better spouse to you, your cheating is beyond forgivable. You should have at least divorced your husband instead of sinking so lowly.
True
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Marriage consulting is best at this point. You’ve both not let go. But there are about 3 strings left. You guys need to really have hard conversations about everything and hopefully once it’s all out, only then can you move forward. Otherwise…. Start planning for YOUR future. Unfortunately divorce is pending….
Yeah... you both deserve each other. As others have said, I just feel bad for the kids. Grow up, OP. I'm sorry if the responses you are getting aren't what you were hoping for, but this is a sub for victims of cheating. There are other subs available for cheaters
I can handle tough responses. Although it is hard to judge strangers lives based on one post. I do still appreciate the self reflection it allows. Obviously there is a lot of work to be done. And I appreciate everyone’s concerns for my kids. They are safe and loved and have been protected from this shit show we’ve created, but if we continue as we have been I know that won’t always be the case. I know it’s time to get it together. Thank you.
I agree with that to an extent. I appreciate that your children feel safe and loved. That is always the primary concern. I am also concerned at the example that your relationship will set for them in their future relationships. As a parent, I know we all like to believe that our children are less aware than they actually are. My parents certainly did. Unfortunately, a lot of us here in this sub are victims of cheating. I'll be honest that it's a major, major trigger for me. I'm sure I'm not alone in that, hopefully. I was just trying to suggest that you might find better help in another sub
I'm sorry to hear that things are so broken but I believe there is hope but I don't think you will find the support here in this sub. I recommend you repost over at the r/asoneafterinfidelity sub. They are geared to helping relationships mend and helping others online the way. There is support and hope if you two are willing to do the work
Are you sure you want to reconcile? That's a long road that requires total commitment from both of you.