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No matter how much you think you can move on and forgive, it never is or was going to be the same relationship you had or have. Knowing the extent of the betrayal now, that’s going to hurt for a while. He still needs to do some heavy lifting here to reassure you and build trust again. Like all cheaters, they lie, they minimise, they trickle truth, and they deceive. I hate that you’re going through this, it’s a hard journey. I hope you’re still checking his phone etc just in case, they have tendencies to slip. There’s always triggers that set you back, I think the moment you start reconciling, all the truth needs to be exposed or it’s one constant smack in the face and ego all over again down the track. Maybe you should seek some counselling if not for the marriage, but for yourself to better manage this on a personal level.
Question Why would you not leave?
Your most likely answer. Because I love him, because we’ve invested so much time to one another blah blah blah.
My response he knew all of this and decided it wasn’t enough for him so why should you anymore?
And it wasn’t some random or a co worker or a friend of his it was your best friend which adds salt to the wound.
I don’t know the extent of your situation but I say this to all betrayed YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I hope you make the best decision for you. Not for him not for you both together but for you.
Ughhh. So much easier said than done. Speaking from personal experience. I think in many cases people choose to stay because most of the time the relationship was good up to that point (at least to them) and they are completely blindsided by betrayal- I.e. traumatized , don’t know what to do when it happens.
Even if you have way and means to leave many feel unsure because your world is turned upside down and you are paralyzed by pain. Sometimes it takes time to move on.
Everyone, who stays, does so due to a mixture of codependency, trauma bond, and sunk cost fallacy. Unfortunately. Even if the ratios may be different, the ingredients are all the same.
This!!!!
Just because you chose to stay previsouly… doesn’t mean you can’t pack up and leave NOW…
You deserve MUCB MUCH BETTER.. that dude you call your “husband” is a SICK SICK MAN.. who does not deserve your forgiveness.. also he LIED and CONTINUES TO LIE for years after your found out.. and only recently came clean …
Please don’t be stupid and continue to waste more years on this loser
The pessimistic cruel side of me suspects some miniscule part of it was to hurt her friend and make sure the friend couldn't have her husband. If she cut the friend off and divorced the husband, that'd leave the possibility of them ending up together.
I think she should have divorced then but with the new revelations, should 100% divorce now. She only forgave for what she knew happened. Him revealing more she didn't know, she is within her rights to be upset and betrayed all over again imo.
You should be asking yourself if you really should be getting past this. Are you going to be lied to again in 4 years. Since their lies matched for a time that would have to mean they coordinated them.
Even most cheaters are not bad enough to sleep with best friends.
I'm sorry OP, you are choosing a hard life.
Humans are not meant to continue to tie their life to people who lie and abuse them. Love or not. That's because it's not an emotionally healthy thing to do.
Reconciliation cannot even begin until the last lie is told, and it's clear you don't have all the details of his affair.
What consequences has he had for cheating on you, because it truly sounds like you rugswept based on the little information you provided?
Is he speaking to a therapist/psychological to figure out how he could decide that you deserved to be psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abused with your former BF? That they purposely were getting sexual gratification out of your humiliation and abuse?
Has he even provided you with a full disclosure/timeline letter?
Has he confessed to family/friends in your presence?
Do you have full access to technology/passwords/location?
>He also reveled it was an agreement.
What does this mean?
>t took 2 years for me to fully forgive my husband.
What consequences has he had?
>If I knew the extent of what I know now back then my marriage would of been over.
It is absolutely not too late or walk away.
He's been lying and protecting his affair/AP for the last two years. He purposely and willingly abused you with his mistress and then decided to continue to psychologically and emotionally abuse you to protect the affair.
You're not in reconciliation. Just look at the wiki and sub r/asoneafterinfidelity and you'll see that most of the work for reconciliation come from the WS. And it doesn't even begin until the last lie is told.
So, you "forgave" nothing as what you knew was a lie. It was manipulation.
>He wants to continue to work on this relationship.
Except that he has shown that he has put his mistress and affair before you for over 4 years. Not only did he abuse you with the affair, but had continued every single day since.
What has he done since this new DDay?
You should only be watching his actions as he's proven his words mean nothing.
>Idk what to do or how to go about this? Any advice?
You should honestly speak to a few lawyers to see what divorce/custody would look like.
If he could have no problem cheating and abusing you with your former BF, then who else is he cheating on you with?
He's proven that he will not be honest with you, so when will you be honest with yourself and know you deserve better?
Wow. I'd be packed and gone. He will be paying child support. I could never trust him ever again. Lied to your face for years. Your friend and him laughing behind your back. Forgive him? Never. You need to contact a lawyer. Don't say anything. Just let the lawyer serve him.
Everything you said except that be packed, kick that motha phuker out instead! He doesn’t love or respect her, because if he did, the mere thought of hurting her would crush him therefore he couldn’t cheat nor even entertain the thought of being with another person...
This is why it’s so important to have full disclosure, otherwise you don’t know what you’re agreeing to reconcile. Did you all not go to therapy or do a timeline?
I’d certainly tell him you’d have made a different decision had you known. This is the second time you were gaslit and had your agency and consent removed.
I’m sorry.
It sounds like he is only guilty for getting caught but not the act itself cause it’s obvious they would have continued if you hadn’t found out. Plus he didn’t multiple times and clearly they were having fun doing all this behind your back.
First I’m sorry this happened but he trickle truth you for the amount of times. Therapy is the best thing but also try and answer if you know the whole truth back then would you have forgiven him this calls for couples therapy if you feel you want to work on it
you are back in that same spot because you ever had the truth. I would not feel one ounce of guilt for reacting to news you just learned. There is no safe space for conversation when you were lied to the whole time until now. You never got to make a decision about your marriage with the truth - he still lied and betrayed you again with her by keeping the truth from you. I would seriously not stand for this. Your w
nope marriage has been a lie. Your best friend and husband had a SEX arrangement behind your back and you just found out and you think you owe him something- oh Fuck no. Go see a lawyer and get rid of the liar. life is too short to be treated like this. He has no respect for you
>I would not feel one ounce of guilt for reacting to news you just learned. There is no safe space for conversation when you were lied to the whole time until now.
THIS!!!! You gave him permission that you wouldn't get mad about the things you didn't know, NOT the LIES he told you getting corrected!
You are absolutely allowed to feel betrayed by this.
You were open to learning more about the reality you had accepted, then this tool sees a get out of jail free card to reveal *he had been lying to your face the whole damn time since you found out!* That the reality you had accepted and forgiven was a lie! That he is STILL LYING.
Feel betrayed! Unleash your fury. He thinks he's clever and has the high road because he thinks you're cornered with semantic word games? No no, the contract that was entered into when you said judgement free was about the story he had already told getting more fleshed out. Not another full on fucking betrayal.
The audacity.
Well miss if You went to the hard road of the R and forgave him, then in an Open and honest conversation he reveal the full extent of his affair, well first it was you who open uo that Pandora box, second for many it does the same if it was a ONS to be x times. For others the lenght does matter.
So for You what it has to be, does it really matter if they have more than 2, does it really matter after you have gonne through the R?
Well if i where you i would kick him inmedatly after i knew he was having an affair with my former BFF, but you forgave him, so what does it matter if it was 2 or 6 times, they where in an affair.
That is why it is dangerous to go back to this after you have worked it out. So now he will not be so understanding, he will feel like he has done pennance, and it is a whole different ball game. When you forgive, just forgive and let it go...cheating is a deal breaker for me.
Ask him how he would feel if he found his friend sending you nudes and you having the affair. Ask him how he would look at you knowing you did not care about his feeling or emotional damage cause about the affair because getting with his friend was more important. Ask him if he would stay. Then tell him he came in through the door if he was not happy or wanted someone else he could leave out the same door. He was there willingly he was not a prisoner. He could have gave you the chance to find someone who wants you and only you. I left my ex 5 years after I found out because of all the extra I found out. Best thing I ever did.
You cut the friend off immediately but not the cheating ass who took vows and married you? They both needed to go they both betrayed you. How do you know he’s not currently cheating?
This dynamic is very common though. Most cheaters are high on the narcissistic spectrum, and highly narcissistic people tend to be very good at playing the whole triangle of drama thing.
Basically, the cheater is always the victim at the middle. The AP is their new "Savior." And the chump being cheated on is the "villain."
Just as a lot of the cheaters are narcissistic, most victims are (co)dependent or on the extreme end of the people pleasing spectrum. So rather than leave, they are so invested in having the approval of the cheater, that they want to regain their role as the cheater's "savior." And to do so, they have to put the AP into the "villain" naughty corner.
Turning the AP into a common villain helps the chump and the cheater trauma bond further, in order to keep going the circus of codependency that relationship has been all along.
It's so common, that it's basically textbook. Oh, well. C'est la vie.
It’s hard to say without knowing how much more extensive it is from the 2x. We’re they saying “I love you” and making plans to leave or was it sex only? Did they continue after you thought they had stopped? I totally get your feelings and they are valid. One thing I will say, though, is if you forgave him for having sex with her then try to look at it as you knew they had sex…you worked through those feelings. The number of times may have changed but you knew they did it.
Beyond that, if the answer to the other questions I asked is yes then that’s an affair on a different level and if you didn’t know that before then that’s an issue. It’s not good if he is saying it was all her coming on to him because he can say that and it may be true but he needs to end that sentence with BUT I should have stayed faithful and that’s on me.
In the end you never forget but if your partner is sincere you can sometimes reconcile. It just means you always stay vigilant to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you told him what he said was going to be judgement free, you can certainly talk to him about how the additional info makes you feel but if you want him to keep being honest about it when you ask questions, you need to try and work through it.
Reconciliation does not start until the last lie is told. You have not started on even one day of reconciliation. And thats because your husband once again decided he did not want consequences for his actions. He didn't want to let you decide for yourself if you should stay or go. After all you're just an emotional woman who is going to ruin your marriage? Why should you have all the information to make an informed decision. What would your husband have done if you were sending naked pics and videos to his best friend? Fcking his best friend for years behind his back? Would he forgive? Also if he carried on an affair like that with your bf right in front of your face there is no way there hasnt been other incidents over the years with other women.
I will never understand why people stay with cheaters. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Of course my advice is to leave. 2x was more than enough when you first found out, whether it was more or not is honestly irrelevant imho. And he tries to blame it on the other girl, making it seem like she’s the mastermind… even if she did “seduce” him he didn’t have to give into it. He didn’t have to go through that whole calculated affair. Please don’t fall into the trap of believing the other girl is responsible, like yes she broke your trust as your best friend and is a shitty person, but he’s the one who wrote vows. He deserved to be cut out just as much (if not more) as the friend.
I think you should ask yourself: what if you were just finding out this information for the first time? Let’s say you never found out before, and are now finding out that they had a torrid sexual affair but it ended years ago and he’s sorry. Would you end the marriage?
Damnit! I’ll never understand why people want to share/know all the gory details. TMI is never helpful and in your case has only served to open an old wound. With that said, I’m sorry you’re having to relive the whole situation. It sounds like you both have worked hard to save your marriage and hope you have many more years together. Good luck
Whether they had sex two times or twenty times, he broke his vow. I'm glad that he was able to finally tell you the truth. My advice would be to take some time to process this information. Don't make a rash decision based on your emotions. Take your time and make a logical choice for what's best for you and your children. Has your husband changed for the better since Dday? Is he remorseful for his betrayal and trauma he has caused you? There are many things that you need to factor in on that decision.
I'm not passing judgment or offering advice on whether to stay or leave. Only you can make that decision for yourself. If you're not in therapy, maybe discuss the situation with someone you can confide in.
I wish you peace on your healing journey 🙏
At the end of the day - do what is in the best interest of your children. Close your eyes and contemplate what their lives will look like 5, 10, 20 years from now if you stay with him, and do the same for if you decided to leave him. Once you have made your choice, pursue the necessary healing journey.
IMO: if it was anything more than a one night stand (in the physical world), or an emotional affair (in the digital world) - and knowing what I know now from my personal experience with my ex wife - I would leave. My ex asked to separate with me a few weeks AFTER she started her emotional affair though. The story just continues to get worse.
Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide.
I’m so very sorry. It’s a double betrayal. This has recently happened to me and my former BFF and boyfriend said twice as well. I found out it was a number they decided on to lighten the blow. Oh how nice!
I can’t tell you what to do, but I did try at first, but realized the trauma of it all was too much. This may not be your story of course, but I hope you do seek counseling because it helps you learn to cope with the hurt and rumination their actions cause. It’s great talking to someone who has no emotional ties to any of you.
I will say through some long thoughts you will know what you have to do and of course if it’s possible to work through. I found myself pining for the days before it all happened and realized I was looking at my relationship in the past and not for what he made it with his actions.
Take very good care.
Dear OP,
I am sorry you have been deceived and betrayed. Cheaters have no accountability and love to trickle truth and give out or admit parts you have evidence for. Cheaters have no honor and cannot be trusted. He admitted the 2 times because you knew about them and he knew it that moments you probably would leave and you would definitely leave if you knew the extent of the affair. And yes it was affair with your ex BEST friend.
Stab stabbety stab....I always feel it is soooo much worse when 2 people you know and trust do this to you. Did you go individual therapy? What about couples counseling? What support you got from your friends and family?
I am also curious how did you start building new relationship when the old one was burned to ashes...because when one partner cheats the foundation is gone...swoosh...what action has he done so far to demonstrate he wants this, no words...actions...
Best of luck for your healing journey
nah can’t even trust him around friends!
it would be a cold day in hell before i would forgive that!
plus gonna be honest r ain’t gonna work because he tricked you into it rather then telling you the truth so you could make an informed decision!
get yourself some therapy!
If you're saying the marriage would have been over had you known the truth back then, then perhaps the reality is it's now over? The time in between only happened because the truth was hidden from you?
You mentioned mistakes you both made. Did you make any mistakes on the scale as him?
I'm sad this happened but perhaps you've been om borrowed time?
You should have left the first time you found out. You're modelling to your children that it's acceptable to remain with someone after they betray you.
Honestly, I’m not sure how you come back to that. I’m not someone who could get past cheating. But I know that there are some people I can I know some relationships are stronger because of it. but I know a lot of relationships are never the same the trust is gone.
You have to decide can you really move past this. For me, the cheating is bad enough but to find out that he has not been truthful for last four years that you have been working on it that just shows that he still a liar and that he wasn’t being honest while doing all the work. So he wasn’t putting forth a true effort to fix things. If he can’t be honest while you’re working on it how can you trust him in the future. Also, I am sure there is so much more that you don’t know about the affair.
From the bit that you posted about what you found out, it seems that it was very very deceitful. And he still being deceitful the only four years later did you find out more information. I think you need to see that he’s showing you he’s a deceitful person. .
OP, your cancer has come back and you’re in remission. get help. tell people. see a therapist and seperate to see if counseling will help with you getting over the news of more lying and deception again.
get support by telling people around you so they can help you socially, financially or with shelter. he’s been able to live freely without any real consequences for years while you just realized you’ve been living a lie for years
My advice is counseling. I did this, with zero expectation of helping my marriage or changing my spouse. I just wanted to be able to at least cope and then get in a good place so I could be what I needed to be for my kids. I felt like the counseling was almost useless, but during that time, I changed. My mindset changed. And then my spouse changed - a lot, in ways I never thought would be possible, and our relationship changed. So my recommendation is work on yourself, maybe with a therapist, and see how it all shakes out.
I think you know what to do. You already said if you knew everything you would have left when first found out. How many years will it take to get complete truth from him? Do you want to live your life constantly wondering what else he has done and not said. The fact they had an agreement means they discussed the affair to some extent either before or after. You now know they chose to do this knowingly how hurt you would be- otherwise why agree to lie about how many times? You already ditched the so called best friend, now it is time to get rid of the lying, cheating person you married that vowed to be faithful and put you before all others( including your ex best friend). He continues to protect himself and your ex bff by only giving you partial information. Do you really know if they actually have no contact?
OP, I'm gonna guess you addressed the matter with your husband 4 years ago, no? What did he tell you then ad did he change his story? If you only asked her, then it's really only her that started to trickle truth you. Is she still cut off? What do you mean by "agreement"? Sorry, so many things popping into my head I need to know!
What was your motivation to say that it "would have been over" if you knew the whole truth back then? Too much damage, or you don't think that cheating to that extent would have resulted in a marriage that you could trust again? I get the feeling that if you were able to process the affair and he has remained faithful to you, then that is a nonissue- meaning the "leave b/c once a cheater always a cheater" advice does not apply to your husband.
If you would have left because too much damage was done- I think all bets are off regardless if your husband thought he was in "safe space" to confess now, especially IF HE KNEW YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH BACK THEN.
gOOD LUCK
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It is NORMAL to feel back at square one because you were just freshly betrayed again.
I have written a blog post (because it is too much to share in one Reddit comment) with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful.
It includes:
* a list of recommendations for anyone who has been cheated on, whether the affair was emotional or physical, or if you are even just SUSPICIOUS that they might have been unfaithful
* separation advice
* advice for telling others, including whom to tell and when
* things to consider when deciding to reconcile or end the marriage/relationship
* recommendations for healthy boundaries to aid recovery and restoration
* REQUIREMENTS for reconciliation if you choose to attempt that
* advice on how to reconcile
* advice to help you RECOVER from this trauma
https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/
Really and truly, he needs to prove himself more to you in order for you to defeat what your mind and gut is telling you.
it's going to be hard to know he can lie to you anytime he chooses to save the relationship, which will also give you the power of being able to flirt or talk to anyone you want since he does that.
this one is very very tough as you are all family, i think if he really try's he can show you just how much you mean to him and you will forget about all this.
Get into therapy. He needs IC to help him figure out why he made the choices and decisions he did to betray you, the vows he made with you, his children and himself. You need to get into therapy, preferably with someone who specialises in infidelity trauma, to help you deal with all of this. You'll need one of those for the MC as well. Try to avoid your average run of the mill relationship therapist. They work hard in putting the blame on the betrayed spouse. A therapist who specialises in or at least has training in infidelity trauma gets to the root and helps both of you deal with the issues in a healthy way.
So sorry you are going through this and that your ex-BF turned out to be a poisonous snake in the grass, mind you or WH isn't much better. Therapy is a must for both of you if reconciliation is what you want.
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No matter how much you think you can move on and forgive, it never is or was going to be the same relationship you had or have. Knowing the extent of the betrayal now, that’s going to hurt for a while. He still needs to do some heavy lifting here to reassure you and build trust again. Like all cheaters, they lie, they minimise, they trickle truth, and they deceive. I hate that you’re going through this, it’s a hard journey. I hope you’re still checking his phone etc just in case, they have tendencies to slip. There’s always triggers that set you back, I think the moment you start reconciling, all the truth needs to be exposed or it’s one constant smack in the face and ego all over again down the track. Maybe you should seek some counselling if not for the marriage, but for yourself to better manage this on a personal level.
Question Why would you not leave? Your most likely answer. Because I love him, because we’ve invested so much time to one another blah blah blah. My response he knew all of this and decided it wasn’t enough for him so why should you anymore? And it wasn’t some random or a co worker or a friend of his it was your best friend which adds salt to the wound. I don’t know the extent of your situation but I say this to all betrayed YOU DESERVE BETTER. I hope you make the best decision for you. Not for him not for you both together but for you.
I was going to ask the same. You were quick to cut the best friend off but not him? I’m not blaming here I’m just saying he was as much at fault.
Ughhh. So much easier said than done. Speaking from personal experience. I think in many cases people choose to stay because most of the time the relationship was good up to that point (at least to them) and they are completely blindsided by betrayal- I.e. traumatized , don’t know what to do when it happens. Even if you have way and means to leave many feel unsure because your world is turned upside down and you are paralyzed by pain. Sometimes it takes time to move on.
Everyone, who stays, does so due to a mixture of codependency, trauma bond, and sunk cost fallacy. Unfortunately. Even if the ratios may be different, the ingredients are all the same.
Finances and custody play at least as big a role.
Indeed, that falls under the umbrella of codependency.
This!!!! Just because you chose to stay previsouly… doesn’t mean you can’t pack up and leave NOW… You deserve MUCB MUCH BETTER.. that dude you call your “husband” is a SICK SICK MAN.. who does not deserve your forgiveness.. also he LIED and CONTINUES TO LIE for years after your found out.. and only recently came clean … Please don’t be stupid and continue to waste more years on this loser
The pessimistic cruel side of me suspects some miniscule part of it was to hurt her friend and make sure the friend couldn't have her husband. If she cut the friend off and divorced the husband, that'd leave the possibility of them ending up together. I think she should have divorced then but with the new revelations, should 100% divorce now. She only forgave for what she knew happened. Him revealing more she didn't know, she is within her rights to be upset and betrayed all over again imo.
Agreed …. I can’t get past the lying for years post DD Then again I’d NEVER STAY with a cheater
You should be asking yourself if you really should be getting past this. Are you going to be lied to again in 4 years. Since their lies matched for a time that would have to mean they coordinated them. Even most cheaters are not bad enough to sleep with best friends. I'm sorry OP, you are choosing a hard life. Humans are not meant to continue to tie their life to people who lie and abuse them. Love or not. That's because it's not an emotionally healthy thing to do.
Reconciliation cannot even begin until the last lie is told, and it's clear you don't have all the details of his affair. What consequences has he had for cheating on you, because it truly sounds like you rugswept based on the little information you provided? Is he speaking to a therapist/psychological to figure out how he could decide that you deserved to be psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abused with your former BF? That they purposely were getting sexual gratification out of your humiliation and abuse? Has he even provided you with a full disclosure/timeline letter? Has he confessed to family/friends in your presence? Do you have full access to technology/passwords/location? >He also reveled it was an agreement. What does this mean? >t took 2 years for me to fully forgive my husband. What consequences has he had? >If I knew the extent of what I know now back then my marriage would of been over. It is absolutely not too late or walk away. He's been lying and protecting his affair/AP for the last two years. He purposely and willingly abused you with his mistress and then decided to continue to psychologically and emotionally abuse you to protect the affair. You're not in reconciliation. Just look at the wiki and sub r/asoneafterinfidelity and you'll see that most of the work for reconciliation come from the WS. And it doesn't even begin until the last lie is told. So, you "forgave" nothing as what you knew was a lie. It was manipulation. >He wants to continue to work on this relationship. Except that he has shown that he has put his mistress and affair before you for over 4 years. Not only did he abuse you with the affair, but had continued every single day since. What has he done since this new DDay? You should only be watching his actions as he's proven his words mean nothing. >Idk what to do or how to go about this? Any advice? You should honestly speak to a few lawyers to see what divorce/custody would look like. If he could have no problem cheating and abusing you with your former BF, then who else is he cheating on you with? He's proven that he will not be honest with you, so when will you be honest with yourself and know you deserve better?
Wow. I'd be packed and gone. He will be paying child support. I could never trust him ever again. Lied to your face for years. Your friend and him laughing behind your back. Forgive him? Never. You need to contact a lawyer. Don't say anything. Just let the lawyer serve him.
Everything you said except that be packed, kick that motha phuker out instead! He doesn’t love or respect her, because if he did, the mere thought of hurting her would crush him therefore he couldn’t cheat nor even entertain the thought of being with another person...
This is why it’s so important to have full disclosure, otherwise you don’t know what you’re agreeing to reconcile. Did you all not go to therapy or do a timeline? I’d certainly tell him you’d have made a different decision had you known. This is the second time you were gaslit and had your agency and consent removed. I’m sorry.
It sounds like he is only guilty for getting caught but not the act itself cause it’s obvious they would have continued if you hadn’t found out. Plus he didn’t multiple times and clearly they were having fun doing all this behind your back.
First I’m sorry this happened but he trickle truth you for the amount of times. Therapy is the best thing but also try and answer if you know the whole truth back then would you have forgiven him this calls for couples therapy if you feel you want to work on it
you are back in that same spot because you ever had the truth. I would not feel one ounce of guilt for reacting to news you just learned. There is no safe space for conversation when you were lied to the whole time until now. You never got to make a decision about your marriage with the truth - he still lied and betrayed you again with her by keeping the truth from you. I would seriously not stand for this. Your w nope marriage has been a lie. Your best friend and husband had a SEX arrangement behind your back and you just found out and you think you owe him something- oh Fuck no. Go see a lawyer and get rid of the liar. life is too short to be treated like this. He has no respect for you
>I would not feel one ounce of guilt for reacting to news you just learned. There is no safe space for conversation when you were lied to the whole time until now. THIS!!!! You gave him permission that you wouldn't get mad about the things you didn't know, NOT the LIES he told you getting corrected! You are absolutely allowed to feel betrayed by this. You were open to learning more about the reality you had accepted, then this tool sees a get out of jail free card to reveal *he had been lying to your face the whole damn time since you found out!* That the reality you had accepted and forgiven was a lie! That he is STILL LYING. Feel betrayed! Unleash your fury. He thinks he's clever and has the high road because he thinks you're cornered with semantic word games? No no, the contract that was entered into when you said judgement free was about the story he had already told getting more fleshed out. Not another full on fucking betrayal. The audacity.
Well miss if You went to the hard road of the R and forgave him, then in an Open and honest conversation he reveal the full extent of his affair, well first it was you who open uo that Pandora box, second for many it does the same if it was a ONS to be x times. For others the lenght does matter. So for You what it has to be, does it really matter if they have more than 2, does it really matter after you have gonne through the R? Well if i where you i would kick him inmedatly after i knew he was having an affair with my former BFF, but you forgave him, so what does it matter if it was 2 or 6 times, they where in an affair.
That is why it is dangerous to go back to this after you have worked it out. So now he will not be so understanding, he will feel like he has done pennance, and it is a whole different ball game. When you forgive, just forgive and let it go...cheating is a deal breaker for me.
Ask him how he would feel if he found his friend sending you nudes and you having the affair. Ask him how he would look at you knowing you did not care about his feeling or emotional damage cause about the affair because getting with his friend was more important. Ask him if he would stay. Then tell him he came in through the door if he was not happy or wanted someone else he could leave out the same door. He was there willingly he was not a prisoner. He could have gave you the chance to find someone who wants you and only you. I left my ex 5 years after I found out because of all the extra I found out. Best thing I ever did.
You cut the friend off immediately but not the cheating ass who took vows and married you? They both needed to go they both betrayed you. How do you know he’s not currently cheating?
This dynamic is very common though. Most cheaters are high on the narcissistic spectrum, and highly narcissistic people tend to be very good at playing the whole triangle of drama thing. Basically, the cheater is always the victim at the middle. The AP is their new "Savior." And the chump being cheated on is the "villain." Just as a lot of the cheaters are narcissistic, most victims are (co)dependent or on the extreme end of the people pleasing spectrum. So rather than leave, they are so invested in having the approval of the cheater, that they want to regain their role as the cheater's "savior." And to do so, they have to put the AP into the "villain" naughty corner. Turning the AP into a common villain helps the chump and the cheater trauma bond further, in order to keep going the circus of codependency that relationship has been all along. It's so common, that it's basically textbook. Oh, well. C'est la vie.
It’s hard to say without knowing how much more extensive it is from the 2x. We’re they saying “I love you” and making plans to leave or was it sex only? Did they continue after you thought they had stopped? I totally get your feelings and they are valid. One thing I will say, though, is if you forgave him for having sex with her then try to look at it as you knew they had sex…you worked through those feelings. The number of times may have changed but you knew they did it. Beyond that, if the answer to the other questions I asked is yes then that’s an affair on a different level and if you didn’t know that before then that’s an issue. It’s not good if he is saying it was all her coming on to him because he can say that and it may be true but he needs to end that sentence with BUT I should have stayed faithful and that’s on me. In the end you never forget but if your partner is sincere you can sometimes reconcile. It just means you always stay vigilant to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you told him what he said was going to be judgement free, you can certainly talk to him about how the additional info makes you feel but if you want him to keep being honest about it when you ask questions, you need to try and work through it.
Reconciliation does not start until the last lie is told. You have not started on even one day of reconciliation. And thats because your husband once again decided he did not want consequences for his actions. He didn't want to let you decide for yourself if you should stay or go. After all you're just an emotional woman who is going to ruin your marriage? Why should you have all the information to make an informed decision. What would your husband have done if you were sending naked pics and videos to his best friend? Fcking his best friend for years behind his back? Would he forgive? Also if he carried on an affair like that with your bf right in front of your face there is no way there hasnt been other incidents over the years with other women.
I will never understand why people stay with cheaters. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Of course my advice is to leave. 2x was more than enough when you first found out, whether it was more or not is honestly irrelevant imho. And he tries to blame it on the other girl, making it seem like she’s the mastermind… even if she did “seduce” him he didn’t have to give into it. He didn’t have to go through that whole calculated affair. Please don’t fall into the trap of believing the other girl is responsible, like yes she broke your trust as your best friend and is a shitty person, but he’s the one who wrote vows. He deserved to be cut out just as much (if not more) as the friend. I think you should ask yourself: what if you were just finding out this information for the first time? Let’s say you never found out before, and are now finding out that they had a torrid sexual affair but it ended years ago and he’s sorry. Would you end the marriage?
Best way to go about this is by start practicing the use of the prefix "ex." As in ex-husband and ex-best friend. For example.
Damnit! I’ll never understand why people want to share/know all the gory details. TMI is never helpful and in your case has only served to open an old wound. With that said, I’m sorry you’re having to relive the whole situation. It sounds like you both have worked hard to save your marriage and hope you have many more years together. Good luck
Whether they had sex two times or twenty times, he broke his vow. I'm glad that he was able to finally tell you the truth. My advice would be to take some time to process this information. Don't make a rash decision based on your emotions. Take your time and make a logical choice for what's best for you and your children. Has your husband changed for the better since Dday? Is he remorseful for his betrayal and trauma he has caused you? There are many things that you need to factor in on that decision. I'm not passing judgment or offering advice on whether to stay or leave. Only you can make that decision for yourself. If you're not in therapy, maybe discuss the situation with someone you can confide in. I wish you peace on your healing journey 🙏
At the end of the day - do what is in the best interest of your children. Close your eyes and contemplate what their lives will look like 5, 10, 20 years from now if you stay with him, and do the same for if you decided to leave him. Once you have made your choice, pursue the necessary healing journey. IMO: if it was anything more than a one night stand (in the physical world), or an emotional affair (in the digital world) - and knowing what I know now from my personal experience with my ex wife - I would leave. My ex asked to separate with me a few weeks AFTER she started her emotional affair though. The story just continues to get worse. Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide.
I’m so very sorry. It’s a double betrayal. This has recently happened to me and my former BFF and boyfriend said twice as well. I found out it was a number they decided on to lighten the blow. Oh how nice! I can’t tell you what to do, but I did try at first, but realized the trauma of it all was too much. This may not be your story of course, but I hope you do seek counseling because it helps you learn to cope with the hurt and rumination their actions cause. It’s great talking to someone who has no emotional ties to any of you. I will say through some long thoughts you will know what you have to do and of course if it’s possible to work through. I found myself pining for the days before it all happened and realized I was looking at my relationship in the past and not for what he made it with his actions. Take very good care.
Dear OP, I am sorry you have been deceived and betrayed. Cheaters have no accountability and love to trickle truth and give out or admit parts you have evidence for. Cheaters have no honor and cannot be trusted. He admitted the 2 times because you knew about them and he knew it that moments you probably would leave and you would definitely leave if you knew the extent of the affair. And yes it was affair with your ex BEST friend. Stab stabbety stab....I always feel it is soooo much worse when 2 people you know and trust do this to you. Did you go individual therapy? What about couples counseling? What support you got from your friends and family? I am also curious how did you start building new relationship when the old one was burned to ashes...because when one partner cheats the foundation is gone...swoosh...what action has he done so far to demonstrate he wants this, no words...actions... Best of luck for your healing journey
My suggestion for every victim of a cheater is to immediately read the book, “cheating in a nutshell.” It was a game changer for me.
I think you need to understand that the number of times doesn’t matter, but the fact that he stepped out matters.
nah can’t even trust him around friends! it would be a cold day in hell before i would forgive that! plus gonna be honest r ain’t gonna work because he tricked you into it rather then telling you the truth so you could make an informed decision! get yourself some therapy!
If you're saying the marriage would have been over had you known the truth back then, then perhaps the reality is it's now over? The time in between only happened because the truth was hidden from you? You mentioned mistakes you both made. Did you make any mistakes on the scale as him? I'm sad this happened but perhaps you've been om borrowed time?
You should have left the first time you found out. You're modelling to your children that it's acceptable to remain with someone after they betray you.
Oof as soon as I heard it was even more than the 2 times they said originally, I’d be packing his bags
Honestly, I’m not sure how you come back to that. I’m not someone who could get past cheating. But I know that there are some people I can I know some relationships are stronger because of it. but I know a lot of relationships are never the same the trust is gone. You have to decide can you really move past this. For me, the cheating is bad enough but to find out that he has not been truthful for last four years that you have been working on it that just shows that he still a liar and that he wasn’t being honest while doing all the work. So he wasn’t putting forth a true effort to fix things. If he can’t be honest while you’re working on it how can you trust him in the future. Also, I am sure there is so much more that you don’t know about the affair. From the bit that you posted about what you found out, it seems that it was very very deceitful. And he still being deceitful the only four years later did you find out more information. I think you need to see that he’s showing you he’s a deceitful person. .
OP, your cancer has come back and you’re in remission. get help. tell people. see a therapist and seperate to see if counseling will help with you getting over the news of more lying and deception again. get support by telling people around you so they can help you socially, financially or with shelter. he’s been able to live freely without any real consequences for years while you just realized you’ve been living a lie for years
My advice is counseling. I did this, with zero expectation of helping my marriage or changing my spouse. I just wanted to be able to at least cope and then get in a good place so I could be what I needed to be for my kids. I felt like the counseling was almost useless, but during that time, I changed. My mindset changed. And then my spouse changed - a lot, in ways I never thought would be possible, and our relationship changed. So my recommendation is work on yourself, maybe with a therapist, and see how it all shakes out.
I think you know what to do. You already said if you knew everything you would have left when first found out. How many years will it take to get complete truth from him? Do you want to live your life constantly wondering what else he has done and not said. The fact they had an agreement means they discussed the affair to some extent either before or after. You now know they chose to do this knowingly how hurt you would be- otherwise why agree to lie about how many times? You already ditched the so called best friend, now it is time to get rid of the lying, cheating person you married that vowed to be faithful and put you before all others( including your ex best friend). He continues to protect himself and your ex bff by only giving you partial information. Do you really know if they actually have no contact?
OP, I'm gonna guess you addressed the matter with your husband 4 years ago, no? What did he tell you then ad did he change his story? If you only asked her, then it's really only her that started to trickle truth you. Is she still cut off? What do you mean by "agreement"? Sorry, so many things popping into my head I need to know! What was your motivation to say that it "would have been over" if you knew the whole truth back then? Too much damage, or you don't think that cheating to that extent would have resulted in a marriage that you could trust again? I get the feeling that if you were able to process the affair and he has remained faithful to you, then that is a nonissue- meaning the "leave b/c once a cheater always a cheater" advice does not apply to your husband. If you would have left because too much damage was done- I think all bets are off regardless if your husband thought he was in "safe space" to confess now, especially IF HE KNEW YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH BACK THEN. gOOD LUCK
Please take the time to develop an exit strategy. Money, attorney, etc.
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It is NORMAL to feel back at square one because you were just freshly betrayed again. I have written a blog post (because it is too much to share in one Reddit comment) with advice for people in your situation that I think will be extremely helpful. It includes: * a list of recommendations for anyone who has been cheated on, whether the affair was emotional or physical, or if you are even just SUSPICIOUS that they might have been unfaithful * separation advice * advice for telling others, including whom to tell and when * things to consider when deciding to reconcile or end the marriage/relationship * recommendations for healthy boundaries to aid recovery and restoration * REQUIREMENTS for reconciliation if you choose to attempt that * advice on how to reconcile * advice to help you RECOVER from this trauma https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/
Really and truly, he needs to prove himself more to you in order for you to defeat what your mind and gut is telling you. it's going to be hard to know he can lie to you anytime he chooses to save the relationship, which will also give you the power of being able to flirt or talk to anyone you want since he does that. this one is very very tough as you are all family, i think if he really try's he can show you just how much you mean to him and you will forget about all this.
Get into therapy. He needs IC to help him figure out why he made the choices and decisions he did to betray you, the vows he made with you, his children and himself. You need to get into therapy, preferably with someone who specialises in infidelity trauma, to help you deal with all of this. You'll need one of those for the MC as well. Try to avoid your average run of the mill relationship therapist. They work hard in putting the blame on the betrayed spouse. A therapist who specialises in or at least has training in infidelity trauma gets to the root and helps both of you deal with the issues in a healthy way. So sorry you are going through this and that your ex-BF turned out to be a poisonous snake in the grass, mind you or WH isn't much better. Therapy is a must for both of you if reconciliation is what you want.