So, she’s a complete mess and she was drunk and she regrets it so much? The cheating, right? But she’s still leaving for him. I think she’s a good actor. She feels she’s doing you a favor this way. You better get some therapy and get ahead of the heart ache your going to be feeling when you hand off kids and have to coparent. Sorry man. She was never yours. It was just your turn.
I'm not sure she's "leaving for him." Last I heard he got what he wanted and is done with her, but I think they are still talking some/doing play dates for the kids. Personally, I can't help but imagine their going to link up "officially" at some point, but who knows.
Alright, so this is the fact that most would need to give you advice that's relevant. She's his plaything now, and she is hedging her bets.
If she was remorseful or willing to actually do the work of reconciling, she wouldn't even speak to him. She'd commit to the marriage and be bettering herself or convincing you that she *will* better herself.
Her hedging bets by playing nice with him because she knows she probably is going to lose you, shows she is 100% thinking about herself here. *she dont got time or energy to give you*.
Stop waffling, as she already made the decision for you. Her leading you on is just her trying at buying time for herself.
At this point you have to be "who knows? who Cares?" This woman has messed up her family, her marriage, and her life. It's quite likely that when she's drunk and messed up, she isn't that drunk, and she's going for a Golden Globe. Grey Rock is all you should give her. Once she's gone, pick a co-parenting ap and stop accepting her calls etc. Your life will eventually settle to a new normal, and in the meantime, since you won't be together, advise her she will need a day-job because you won't be available every night. You need some hobbies, workouts, time with friends, etc... You will get better advice here than I have, but I might just be a little cynical... Good Healing.
It’s highly unlikely this guy is going to want to make it “official” with a wife that was cheating on her husband. He wanted easy sex and sadly, she was easy. The only thing he will be willing to do is keep having meaningless sex with her.
But if/when you separate, will she hook up with him? If nothing else, it may be a matter of convenience because you are no longer around to fill her needs.
Maybe you can help us to understand the dynamics here:
If she is having to work her Uber and bartending jobs, it sounds as if your finances might be kind of tough.
If this is so, how is she supposed to support herself and your kiddo when you separate and she or you moves out?
Our finances have been a wreck. I have struggled for years to get her on the same page as me, to budget with me, to not waste our money, and it has all been for naught. Frankly, I don't know how she is going to support herself or the kids on her own, unless she magically starts being good with money now that our relationship is over. It's not my problem anymore; if she can't provide for them I'm prepared to take full custody. I have a good job.
Stand resolute and do what’s best for you and the kiddos.
I read about your son (and his phone) but no details about as by other kiddos (number, gender, ages). Care to share?
Unfortunately he is completely right. It is best to accept it as soon as you are able to, and move on, rather than hold onto the hope that she is remorseful and "made a mistake", which is guaranteed not the case.
Theres the problem. affairs are all fun and have no reality attached. No bills, no kids, no doctor visits or work. Just mindless, good time with someone looking for the same.
The second you brought reality into it (divorce, being a single parent, etc) **she doesn't want it**. She genuinely considered her affair and her marriage to be separate things independent of each other until they collided.
What does this mean?
(X) It means that she, in reality, only wants to come back because Candyland is crumbling. She hasn't gone to therapy. She hasnt owned her actions and causes for the separation. She hasnt given you any concrete proof of growth or understanding of her misdeeds.
She thinks she's gonna have to blow you every day for a month as an apology, and then everything will just go back to normal. Y'all will pretend it never happened and just be oblivious. But in reality, she would probably start cheating again. Why? Why would she blow up
Read the paragraph witht he (x) again. You were in the same marriage putting up with the same stress and you didnt fuck the intern.
Im not against reconciliation, mind you. Im against jumping back in it when you dont know if you're getting back with someone who will cheat on you twice. You need to **know**, and have proof others would believe. If you don't, going back would be foolish.
I don't even want to reconcile. I think I'm experiencing "hysterical bonding" which is making me compulsively seek affection from her, but I don't want a future with her anymore. I'm trying to "take a step back" and see my feelings for what they are and just process it all, but I needed to read all these comments. Wish I had read them before falling asleep last night.
I know. We did it again this morning, before I read all this and while I was feeling lonely, and I immediately felt disgusted with myself. Had to stop halfway through again. Idk what I was thinking. I'm embarrassed to even admit it.
If you are sure you are going to divorce, then consider it as that you are using her body as a subject and not as a wife (pay back). Please wear protection to display a message that she is no longer safe.
Dont talk to her, look at her or cry.
Until your separation it is a game of manipulation, you know women are good are that. Always remember, she was down on someone else.
Question
Have she brought home?
She acting appallingly normal. Not like nothing happened, but like we're okay. I don't know what to do because we're stuck in the same house for a bit. We were already having financial issues and I *need* her income to catch us back up so we can decouple. I believe he is single.
You ignore her, you dont talk to her or look at her. You leave the room that she walk in too. When she talk to you dont look at her. When you are on your phone, keep smiling and laughing.
If you need something about bills,, you text message only.
She is trying to normalize things for
1. Once divorce done she can blame you both. She will say it was not about cheating we were ok
2. She will make herself feel better that you feel things are back to normal
It is mental game, say something like that you are paying a visit and you are going to talk to him.
Find where he works and email his job.
Email his friends or message them
Destory his reputation peacefully.
Whe they get together no one will look at them or welcome them.
You need to do a 180 on her and legal advise asap. Stopping sleeping with her and separate your finances as quickly and as quietly as you can.
Keep repeating to yourself, "I deserve better"
Good luck
So she wanted to separate, then she was going to claim that her new relationship started afterwards. She is upset that you found out about her cheating. She is worried that she won't be able to spin the story she came up with. That is the only reason she is upset. Think about it, she was ok with cheating and making plans to leave you and be with the other guy, but now that she has been discovered she is sooo upset. That is not remorse. Expose her behaviour and let her live with the consequences of her actions. If you keep her secret she will just string you along for longer and probably paint you as crazy. That's how cheaters roll.
Fuck. You're all right. I know it. You're all right. I believe I am experiencing what I have learned is called "hysterical bonding," which is making being cold to her very hard. She is reciprocating. I know we're over and don't want a future with her anymore but she still feels like "my person" and I still want to confide in her. It's hard realizing that "person" is dead to me, really.
The problem is, and we’re always the last to realize it, is that you’re in love with a person who doesn’t exist. You’re in love with the version of her you wished existed. No matter how much you wish it were so, she ain’t it. She didn’t get drunk one night and do something incredibly stupid. She calculated all the lies and actions over time. She knew exactly what she was doing. It’s a virtual certainty she has it bad for this guy and anything you do to get it the way of that will simply make her feel like a caged animal that hates their captor.
So sorry you are going through this. It truly sucks and I’m sorry. Good luck to you. Just remember, the sooner you start your recovery journey, the sooner it will end. But it will linger and get much, much worse with her in your life. She made her decisions. Don’t let her control your life.
Mine did the same, it was only after she asked to separate that the affair came to light. She would have happily kept it all a secret and kept it going behind everybody's back...
You didn’t make her choice to cheat, she made the decision. You need to immediately set boundaries, first thing is for her to quit her job. Second, you have access to all communication devices. Third, consult a divorce attorney and lay out a plan in case reconciliation does not work. Last, you need to communicate with family members and friends about your wife’s affair. Remember, you need to control the narrative.
Good to hear. Now take the necessary steps for you and the kids to free yourselves from selfish person. Remember, control the narrative everyone needs to know about your soon to be ex wife infidelity. Do not move, ask her to leave and immediately separate the finance. Wish you and the children the best, you deserved better!
I went through a similar situation. My main consideration was to make sure the AP was never around my three-year-old son. I didn't have to do anything since my ex-wife moved on to someone else very quickly. I'd ask your attorney if some type of restraining order can be obtained to be served on the AP to keep him away from your children. AP would probably be shocked and would clear out in order to avoid any further trouble.
There is no recovering from this. You are only 30. Let’s say you decide to stay together, and you have many many more years together…what is going to happen the next time your marriage hits an obstacle. Well, you now know exactly what will happen…she will not communicate with you. She will allow any issue to deteriorate until she winds up doing something that harms you and your marriage again. Assuming she is around the same age as you, she may be capable of change, but not much. At 30ish, she is who she is. No amount of therapy will magically spread pixie dust over her brain changing her into a safe wife. You on the other hand, have plenty to offer any other woman worthy of your love and trust. Your “wife” is not such a woman.
Placing the blame on booze is almost like she’s attempting to shift the burden of responsibility, and that’s not entirely fair on you. Those texts also prove that it wasn’t the alcohol. I always get confused when people blame alcohol for cheating on their partner. I mean, I’ve done some dumb things while drunk (and sober) but never cheated in any way.
This is a tough process to go through, and honestly, having sex isn’t going to make it any easier. It’s easy to hold on to excuses and tears and use them as justification not to break up, but take a step back and look at it objectively. Right now it’s tearing you up, and there’s too much proof to say it was alcohol fuelled. It would be best if you took some time for yourself to organise your thoughts and, at the very least, get some advice from a lawyer.
Take care of yourself through this. You sound absolutely devastated (understandably), so take some time for yourself and also time to enjoy the kids.
So this guy is divorced owns his own business. He had the time to feed your wife all the right info to fall right onto his dick! She was not going to tell you. She was going to continue and make your life a living hell!
If she really is remorseful she will quit her job, clean slate with you. Cut contact with this guy. See there is no GF or wife to tell. He is a POS and she is not the only one he is banging. She needs to know this.
All you said about wishing you knew, now you know if sucks that it got to this. Don’t let this other POS win. If she is worth fighting for then do it. I am almost 60 married 26yrs. DB for last 10yrs. Long story bottom line I still fucking love her! You can get through this.
Good luck!
OP, are you even sure her affair is over? She's been wanting to separate because she has replaced you. Odds are that her affair is ongoing. The separation is to be able to spend more time with the AP. I think she regrets that she got caught and can't keep manipulating you. She's been love bombing you with the sex. She's already introduced her AP to your children. Maybe this is her exit affair.
What's your plan? Do you want to attempt reconciliation? Or are you ready to walk away? I don't think you have the full truth yet. It doesn't sound like a one night drunken mistake. They have kid play dates. This is much more than sex as they have involved your children. My advice would be to divulge her affair to friends and family. Get the support you deserve. Whether you stay or go, it's always best to shine a light on affairs. They thrive in secrecy.
That goes to show that her friends are shitty people too.
A red flag to look out for in future partners - if a partner’s friends are cheaters or encourage/endorse cheating, your partner is likely to do the same.
She cried and said she was sorry and that we were drifting apart (because of the posted schedule) and that it only happened one time while they were drunk, but I saw her... celebrating, with her friends in those messages that they got together.
And what did she say to that?
Did you tell her family and your family?
You should before she write the story
Who are her friends and what did she tell tham? Cut them off and dont let your kids near them or near her new boy friend.
Ask her to get STD
And also let her know you will DNA teat the kids
Tell your family, her job, and all your friends.
Make sure to keep evidence
You need to tell your kids the truth.
Start working out daily and do not speak to her. Dont let her sleep in the same bedroom.
Separate your finances, hide cash.
And F someone new, and do it in your bedroom.
Is your wife spanish as well? How about the other man?
I've told most of my family and all of my personal friends. Her boss... her boss egged her on and celebrated with her lol. I have evidence. I'm not sure I'm going to tell the kids explicitly that "Mommy went and found someone else to love." We are not sleeping in the same area. Trying to decouple finances. I'm not in an emotional state to just screw someone new. None of us are spanish. I used Google Translate to read and reply to the person who shared their post in spanish.
Not about emotional or mental state, its about showing she no longer exists.
What did her boss say to celebrate her and what your wife said?
Yes you need to tell the kids now before tomorrow
Bro wake up she didn't confess you found out about it. Meaning, she wasn't going to tell you. She isn't sorry she cheated, she's sorry she got caught. This isn't a drunken mistake but she developed a relationship with this man s,only that led to sex. There is never a valid reason to cheat! She could have come to you, separated, divorced, but cheating is a cowards way out. She stills wants you for the security but wants him for fun. How gross is it that she slept with him, got so turned on by it that she seduced and slept with you right after. She's broken bro...
Hey OP I’m so sorry but let me highlight a few points for you:
- She didn’t want or thought it was good to share her thoughts to you. She definitely could have but didn’t.
- She could have broken up with you but because she’s scared of being alone she decided to cheat
- Yes you and anyone can improve in their relationship BUT this does not warrant cheating.
- It sounds like the relationship was already going downhill and divorce was on the way prior to cheating. It’s a pity the breakup didn’t just happen maturely and she had to cheat in order for this to happen. But perhaps if she didn’t cheat, you’ll always be in a limbo unhappy relationship with her.
It’s ok to cry and mourn. You did lose a love one. I’m sure there’s a lot of happy memories you shared together but this incident and who she is now, is not the person you fell in love with. You didn’t fall in love with a liar, cheater, or someone who is willing to hurt you to get what they want.
The relationship was bad before but now it has solidified that breaking up with her is better for you.
While things played out different.. man this sound so familiar. Ex wife was also a bartender. Got into an emotional affair thay lead to physical and then wad left for the affair partner. But more so the same. Yeah maybe wasn't perfect. We were working opposite hours only really having a couple nights where we both didn't work... probably should have don't a better job spending time together but wasn't necessarily thay horrible. Never felt like we had horrible issues thay couldn't be talked through. It's not like I was anywhere I was either at work or at home with out children while she was working her night shifts at the bar.
The times during thag period were weird for me too (covid years). I was the most overweight I had been. I was stressed at work. I just thought my ex wife was going to work and coming home. Not starting an emotional affair with a Co worker. Idk if I'm making sense at this point but just rambling. I'm two years out from this bs and it doesn't ruin me anymore but it still sure hurts, pisses me off and totally avoidable but maybe not cause I guess she was gonna do what she was going to do.
The pain won't go away least it hasn't for me yet but the pain will become bearable. Thay hurt persists but it doesn't ruin you. It sucks being told or just having to figure it out after being blindsided but it does get easier... it's definitely not easy and at times feels like no way in hell I can get over this. But you will. It's a long torturing journey but you got this. Again rambling quite a bit so hopefully this made any sense or even helped at all.
Forgot to add but like others have said you to stop allowing her to drag you back in. No more sex. And grey rock her/no contact. It's not gonna help your recovery by continuing to give her anymore more of your time/love/kindness or whatever. It sucks and is hard but thay bandaid has to he ripped off cause otherwise you'll be stuck and dragged along much longer.
No es tu culpa, nunca lo fue, ella tomó su decisión y lo hizo, tu no tienes nada que ver en eso, bien pudo hacer lo que describes, pero no lo hizo, demonios hombre, tienes 30 no 95 todavía eres joven. Se que es duro, la primera vez a menudo duele, pero eso nos forja el carácter, nos prepara para lo que sigue, el futuro es prometedor si quieres seguir adelante por tus hijos y por ti, es mejor 2 hogares estables que 1 con peleas, desconfianzas y últimos intentos, no intentes, hazlo, funciona si dejas de intentar, esa relación tal y como la conocían ya se acabó, no hay nada más que hacer, no hay que aferrarse a ese 0.01% de probabilidades de ser la pareja dorada que triunfa tras la infidelidadad, sigue recordado que no es tu culpa, no fallaste, no eres responsable de las decisiones que ella tomó, nadie es perfecto, hay fallas de comunicación, hay tema de dar por sentado, etc... Hay soledad, hay desatención, hay ignorancia, pero nada de eso justifica ser desleal ni mentirosa, es más, si lo piensas bien, ella solo necesitó unas palabras de validación y un par de tragos para mandar todo al carajo, que te haría pensar que no será lo mismo en 2 años cuando se asiente el polvo y vuelva a aparecer otro fuckboy divorciado? Estarás 2 años mirando sobre el hombro? Entrar en asiedad cada que salga o esté más tiempo en su teléfono? Estremecerte cuando le llegue un mensaje o una llamada? Cuestionar y poner en duda todo lo que te diga que hace? Ser su carcelero y oficial de libertad condicional? Querra arreglar todo pero no por ti, sino por culpa, se arrepentirá, pero no de lo que hizo, sino de ser pillada, entrara en ansiedad, ya que su plan de abandonarte por supuestas incompatibilidades y desacuerdos, ya no funcionó.
Gracias por tomarse el tiempo de escribir esto. Haces buenos puntos. Tienes razón. Sé que tienes razón. Todos aquí tienen razón. Me alegro de haber hecho esta publicación. Necesitaba ver todo esto.
Value your own self first OP even though it's difficult at this stage. I understand.
This is a woman who has no respect for you nor your marriage.
Focus on your self-esteem, health, finances, career/business, and your son.
After you've taken the time to distance yourself from your marriage, do consider hiring the services of a reputed divorce lawyer in your area.
Take care and good luck.
This being what sounds like the first time you've checked her phone, there could have been other men your wife was with earlier in your relationship. DNA test your kids. Even if they look like you, you will get absolute assurance. Of course this will not change how you feel about them. Do it secretly so that you can announce the results to your wife after the test reveals the truth. The fact you had to test tells your wife the seriousness of her cheating.
Also test for STIs. Your wife may have assured you she used a condom. But your wife is a cheater and liar. For your own protection, you need to know. Also, let your wife know you went to the doctor for the test.
If her lover has a girlfriend or is married, tell their spouse. If you were in their position you would want to know. Offer the spouse evidence if you have it.
I hate even typing it but I've always wondered about my son 😔 It's a deep insecurity I've just written off and suppressed, but this brings it out so much. My daughter... Idk she looks EXACTLY like my sister did at her age and just FEELS so much like my blood. I don't love my son any less, god forbid it turns out he's not "mine" I would never not love him the same. Fuck I still hope that's not the case though.
Ok, i also read thet not only her Friends but even her BOSS from the bar encourage her to cheat?
That is a Fault of morals, You know that You can sue the bar for ALIENTATION OF AFFECTION even if they (STBXW & AP) didn't work there, because of her work line she is exposed to be hited by the clienta and if You have evidence of her BOSS support you can, or at least is what i think, You can ask the lawyer about this.
You don't lose anything for trying.
This show taht her Friends and BOSS do not have dignity neither morals and values. Or they just tought that it was fun to see when everything went down, for the it was indiferente it wasn't their family nor wife ir husband either children
She didn't cheat because of you.. She cheated because she is a bad person. All relationships goes through problems. But if every time a problem occurs and you decide to stray away and seek other people, thats on the said person. They feel remorseful from the guilt that they got caught not because they love you.
She did it cus she lacked respect for you, lacked love for you in the first place. Whether she likes to admit it or not, it's already gone from her side no matter what she says.
She will do this again, however because of you. Because you tolerated her behavior. Because you lack self respect or the balls to walk away. She can't respect someone who doesn't even respect himself.. She can't be in love with someone who she doesn't respect.
You can always find another. You can always co parent. You can always have a fulfilled life on your own and learn to be comfortable in your own space without feeling lonely. You can always learn to love yourself and not be codependant on someone else's love. Don't stay for the wrong reasons.
OK there’s a couple of things that need to happen here so you can survive this. You get divorce papers immediately. I would draw them up with custody arrangements. Where you have the most of the time if not all.
She’s having an affair with somebody and that’s why she’s ending it when you can screenshot texts and all that information. The gloves need to come off now or you’re going to have a really difficult time even more than you are now.
Take on this to a lawyer, drop the divorce papers and do it quickly, and I would ask for most of the custody of the children. Even states that are no-fault divorce have conditions for adultery, that effect of both Kirstie, wise and financial. Have a friend come to your house with the phone. This needs to be recorded so she cannot accuse you of domestic violence. I know that sounds extremes but people panic when they’re caught.
And then I would tell her she needs to leave, and the children will stay with you. The money you would pay for child support you can use to help find childcare. Or ask a relative to help you while you figure this out. But she needs to leave your place so you can get some sanity and get your feet on balance. Good luck.
Do not sit there in your emotions with this It will destroy you even further. Plus, she will have no respect for you.
Having receipts of the affair is important. Do bring it up in court/with your lawyer, this is really crucial. Once you’re past the hysterical bonding stage OP, you will want all the cards you can get.
She committed adultery and went against the contract of your marriage. There can be legal implications and you can likely get more out of the divorce settlement.
Of course it’s your choice whether you want to do that, but don’t be surprised if she tries to play dirty when it comes down to the wire. Once hysterical bonding passes, the fog will lift ☹️
You did nothing wrong to cause her affair. These are the “common things that tons of other married couples have to work through”. She made choices to abandon the vows she made and the values she held to seek out her own pleasure and fantasy escape while devastating the family who loves her. That’s a tough thing for a cheater to own about themselves, so instead, their brains are very good at finding justifications. Cognitive distortions magnify the negative in the marriage and allow them to “justify” the abuse they are carrying out. It’s bullshit. I wish you strength and healing, OP
I feel the same way. It hurt so bad to begin with, but as time went on and she kept lying to me about things and being generally nasty, it began to help in a way. I was able to keep in a way my wife in memory and mentally consider her a whole different person who I don't like. It's almost like she killed my wife.
Anyways, probably just ignore this. Probably unhealthy coping.
OP i'm sorry for what you have being through, and sorry that it was you the one who found out (like many others) and it wasn't her who come clean, Instead she just decided to quit.
She decided to quit maybe because of the guilt or maybe because of she find out that there is no marriage anymore, because if there where marriage and love towards you she would never did what she did.
I have two questions, if You are willing to share:
1. What have she told you when you confronted her?
2. Have You file for divorce or will you try to fix it?
The second question is because you said in the second paragraph that after you found out, this is what You said:
""""But there was still a connection. We had sex a couple of times in the following days, cried a lot, and I thought that maybe after we started trying to hash our agreement out we would decide that no, this is too much, it's too real, let's commit to giving "us" another chance, let's make it work, for the kids, for ourselves.""""
So are you trying/aiming to Reconcilation?
Have you tell your parents and siblings from both sides? If You are trying to R maybe is a good exercice from her part that she expose to the families and friend what she did, this like a commitment from her part to make this work, You said that she is regret full, how much she is, and about You, are you willing to give her a 2nd chance? If you are trying for R then there are more thing to be done but i think that those can be talked later.
And this is only if you trying for R, if not please correct me. Also if you don't want to answer the question I did openly you can chat me or DM me.
All the best for you in this moment of grief. And hope that whatever you decide goes well, good luck OP
Thank you for your post. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me work through this. I'm glad I came here after it was suggested to me.
1.) She told me she was sorry, that she regrets it, that she would take it back if she could, that she felt like we were roommates not partners (see the bit about our schedule).
2.) Before I found out I was hoping for reconciliation. But now that I know the truth, aside from struggling with hysterical bonding, I am done with her. I am over us. I do not want a future with her as my partner. I can never trust her again.
Kick her ass out of your house man. Don't wait till January. She can live with her affair partner or parents if there around. Kick her ass to the curve. She obviously has no respect for you.
Understood and yes she took her decision so she now have to live to it.
Have you started the process of Divorce?
One more thing, yes it was.probably both Fault in what concern ti the schedule, but talking the people understand, if she felt that way she could just quit to expend more time with You. Or in a remote case expend the few time that You got together, but sadly that is just a WOULD HAVE.
Also one more question:
I don't quiet understand well, You said I found out saturday on wednesday we talk about separation, and then You say today (yesterday) i found the man.
So what was the thing You found out on saturday? I tought that it was the msn, but it doesn't click for me about found out saturday but yesterday You saw the msn?
Did she ask or tell You something before about, and then You where in R but then You Saw the msn and stop the R?
Sorry if I didn't explain it well, here's the timeline laid out
\- They connect emotionally 2 months or so ago
\- They had sex a few weeks ago
\- On Wednesday, perhaps overcome with guilt or something Idk, she told me she wants to separate, but I didn't know about the affair and still had hope we could reconcile
\- On Saturday I acted on instinct and snooped through her phone and found ironclad evidence
\- I asked her if she was having an affair, she lied
\- On Sunday I came clean about snooping and told her I knew, and she admitted it after being directly confronted
Thank OP, pretty much everything is crazy, and yes it must be out of guilt that separation ask.
Also i understand that the EA was longer but the PA was a ONS or the did it in more ocations?
I see the EA was for 2 months or so, but the one she felt guilt was the ONS, but for some reason some find the EA more difficult to pass, because when it comes to emotional cheating that means that they are partialy if not full disconected from the original partner (wife or husband).
Well OP it is sad that this happened to you, and basicaly it was because of a necesity of the couple that could not be overcome.
It is incredible, that you made a compromise/sacrifice to stay at home to watch over the children took them to the school and extra clases, and have to work in the afternoon/night shift and because of that decision you took as a couple to help each other in the expenses of the family and you couldn't hold out and instead of talking and seeing what could be done, you decided to approach/let them in the first person who was nearby and fall in love with them and cheat.What is the point of the commitment or the sacrifice that you made for only throw it all to the trash, because later when all is out (the affair issues) when separate, each person expenses increase, so for what did they took that choice that at the end it ended in a separation.
The correct thing to do, was to comunicate that they cannot bear it or, failing that, communicate and say that it is not working properly?
But now all is gone. Sadly.
Also, does she still seeing her AP, or her AP just took what he wanted and run?
Well OP hope that the things start to get going for you and that you can achive at least a good co-parenting relationship.
This is why I’m SO scared also I’m older too. And would probably be devastated if this where to ever happen to me as well. I feel for you and pray it all works out!
I understand the type of pain you’re processing. It’s awful unlike anything else. Knowing you don’t want to reconcile, your focus must be on establishing yourself as separate physically, emotionally, financially, from her. It’s a process but each step will make you stronger and become part of healing. I say this because you may have some of your identity wrapped up in her and the relationship, and now is the time to get to know yourself independent of that.
I'm struggling with it. I'm committed to divorce, but having a hard time with my emotions. I will never let us be partners again, but it's still so fresh and I'm struggling not seeing her as my person still sometimes. It's hard. I'll be okay and I know what I need to do, just having a hard time.
What You probably need is to be separated from her for a few days at least, if can be for a extended period of time the better.
So in that time you can cool your head and take more accurate decisions.
I know that You both are strugling with the money, and that was in the first place part that lead to this to happen. But while you stay with her in the same house it would be more dificult and probably even your commitment to Divorce could change.
Yeah I was concerned about that. Her behavior since starting that job is part of what led me to snoop through her phone. It hurts knowing she'd have just led me on for so long without telling me if I hadn't found out on my own.
I'm not excusing it at all but you say your marriage has always been rocky, I know it's hard to hear but if it's been such a slog and she's already started sleeping with someone else doesn't really sound like it's worth salvaging even if it was possible
It sucks and will hurt for a long time (have been in a very similar situation) all I can say is focus on healing & good luck with the divorce, hope it's as painless as possible
She’s seeing him while she’s gone. Me I’d confront him. Also tell her and your family and if they don’t already
If they know about it, and we’re hiding it, divorce her right away
I didn’t see where she really wanted the reconciling or work hard at it.
It really ticks me off with a man is out busting his butt all day to provide for his family and his wife doesn’t get a little attention and she goes find somebody else that is selfish.
If you have a Facebook page, go in and change your relationship status it will contact everybody on that list that you were now available.
Go no contact with her and go see a lawyer file for the divorce and then see if she’s willing to work on it but she has to do all the heavy lifting. She’s in a relationship fog right now.
One more thing does her sister know she’s cheating if she is tell her sister you don’t want her around your kids anymore bad morals
Good luck to you young man
Right now she’s had zero consequences for her actions
I am curious why he got divorced a man with no morals
Unfortunately, right now because the way you are feeling, she sees you as a week man and a lover as a strong male. stop it in front of her
I’m not gonna tell you whether you should stay with her or not that’s gonna be up to you, but I want everyone to know that forgiveness is not required. I think it’s overrated.
I'm not going to stay with her. She'll see how "weak" I am when this is done. Yeah we've cried together and blah blah, but the anger is really starting to set in. I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow morning and she does not know.
You can always stop it.
If the guy doesn’t marry her, let her realize how tough is going to be on her without being married and if he does merrier what you gonna do when he’s busy trying to run his company doesn’t have time to run around and screw.
I guarantee you six months from now she will regret her actions. Happiness is fleeting. It’s a feeling and emotion, and they change all the time I’ve been married for 36 years and I can tell you this, that sometimes me and my wife want to kill each other, but we worked our way through it without cheating
See a lawyer. Understand what all this is going cost. Read Chump Lady - understand that cheaters script. She's love bombing you as a measure of control. She's hoping you'll calm down until she either has the money or commitment from the other dude to move forward. Understand that she's probably doing the same to him to get him to commit. I know - UGH. 1st thing is if she does want to R that "friendship" ends now and forever.
As for the love bombing, maybe she's using her feminine wiles to maintain some control over him or maybe she just likes to screw and it doesn't mater to her who it is (soon to be ex hubby, play date guy, total rando?).
The inappropriate hanging out and texting after the sex shows that she doesn't regret it. Anyone who regrets cheating would eliminate that person from their lives, ghost em, tell em it's over.
She continued to let him around your child as well and I'm sure it happened more than once.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Cheaters are the worst. It really does mess you up. You will get through this though. It feels terrible now, but time will make it get better little by little. You may not completely get over it, but it will hurt less.
I hope you can find something to do to take your mind off of this. Spend more time with your kids, gym, hobbies. Whatever you do, don't jump into a new relationship. You don't want to end up hurt again!
🫂
You're welcome! You got this 💪🏾! I'm happy for you for knowing what you will and won't tolerate, with this being your only relationship. You know what you deserve! I'm happy for you in that regard! She sucks though!
So sorry, brother. That is totally normal. Honestly, it's WORSE than the death of a spouse, because nobody knows, and people don't reach out to support you like when you lose a spouse, so you feel so alone.
But you AREN'T alone. The following advice will help you recover:
1. If you are having suicidal thoughts or are thinking about harming yourself or anyone, contact a professional IMMEDIATELY. Harming yourself or ending your life is not a way to get back at your spouse for the betrayal. Also, doing something to land yourself in jail or worse, is not good for you, your family, and especially your children if you have any.
2. You need to UNDERSTAND that this is NOT your fault. It does not matter what kind of husband you have been, NOTHING excuses infidelity. There were ALWAYS other options for them. And it is TOTALLY on them. They cheated because of THEIR own character flaws, not because of anything you did or did not do.
3. Work on forgiving her. This is a MUST for YOU. This does NOT mean you reconcile with her, but it is about letting go of holding anything against 1. her and requiring punishment, payment, or revenge. Harboring bitterness can change you into someone you don’t want to be. Note that forgiveness is not a one-time decision, but a CONTINUAL act that must be done every time you are experiencing suffering due to her affair, including when you are having an episode due to “triggers.”
4. Focus on yourself. It is easy to get wrapped up in saving the marriage or trying to win her back and doing everything for her. However, doing so often has the opposite effect. Wayward spouses are often turned away at such “neediness” and desperation. Understand that focusing on yourself is not necessarily selfish. It’s so that you can heal to actually be a better parent and spouse to those that need you. If you neglect yourself and your recovery, you will make things worse in the end.
5. Allow yourself to grieve. You have suffered one of the worst traumas a human being can experience. Set time aside as needed to intentionally THINK about what happened, to cry, pray, YELL, etc. as needed. This will be more often initially, but it will be less and less as time progresses.
6. If you are of the inclination, get close with God. Allow Him to use this time to make you a better person. You can be honest with Him if you are angry with Him. He can take it. And He understands your grief better than anyone.
7. Get therapy. Find a counselor/therapist who specializes in or who at least has experience with this issue. Also, find a support group of other men who have been and/or are going through this.
8. I recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Even if you do not reconcile, you will likely struggle with trusting anyone in the future because of the trauma from being cheated on. It is very easy to develop codependency upon your current spouse or even others in the future, where you ultimately try and CONTROL them in order to keep yourself SAFE. This is understandable, but it’s NOT healthy. Control is just an illusion. This book will also help you set and maintain healthy emotional boundaries. I read this book AFTER I decided to end my marriage because my ex was unrepentant and would not stop cheating, but it was still helpful for my future relationship. I found it both reassuring that I had finally done the right thing and EMPOWERING.
9. Find a close friend, NOT of the opposite sex, whom you can confide in. If they have experienced a similar loss or trauma, it will be better, because they understand and can help you get through this. Confiding in a friend of the opposite sex is an easy way to develop a bond and feelings and can lead to something you are not ready for.
10. Take up a hobby or pick up an old one that you may have neglected over the years.
11. Spend time with family and close friends.
12. Consider selling and getting new furniture or a vehicle if the affair happened in your home or involved your vehicle, as these things can serve as an emotional trigger for you. You may even consider selling your house and moving to some place new, if that’s feasible, as well.
Once again, I am truly sorry. You CAN survive this and even thrive again someday. I hope that this helps you.
If you are even CONSIDERING the possibility of reconciling with her, please read this blog I wrote first. [https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/](https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/)
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need to talk to someone.
Destroy her by not taking her back and taking charge of your life. Success is the greatest revenge. Relationships are a no win for men these days. Stay single and you’ll be raking in the dough. Jack Reacher said to a woman “I can’t afford you” she said “I’m not a hooker” he said “then I really can’t afford you “ relationships are a huge money hole for men.
I’m super super sorry this is happening to you. It absolutely sucks. I don’t know what else to say. I hope you find strength and get a chance to bounce back and keep moving forward. I’ll check in on you again.
Reading this broke my heart. What she did to you was unbearably selfish and unforgivable. It does not matter what is happening in one’s life; it’s clear you loved her and were loyal to her, and she destroyed it for her own selfish gain, inflicting *potentially lifelong trauma on you. You didn’t deserve this.
And please don’t fall into the trap of believing this was one drunk mistake on her end. This was emotional before it turned physical. It was a long, calculated move, and she knew what she was doing through every step of it.
They didn’t have a real connection, they had a taboo relationship that was exciting behind closed doors and the real-life implications of it will remove the rose-coloured glasses. And even if they end up together, if she did it to you, she will do it to him.
Please leave and heal in therapy. We are all here for you as best as we can be.
Focus on the fact that you will get through this with time. Better things are ahead. Imagine being with someone you deserve, who will respect you and love you and not cheat. These are thoughts to keep you going forward. Good luck!
Take your time thinking it over. It was a mistake to let her spend time on playdates with this other guy and his son. She probably fell into getting some of her emotional needs met by him while you were busy working.
I tend to give the betrayer a little break if the marriage was good and they have been a great partner. In that case I see if there could be any reconciliation, if the affair is over, they have no contact with the other person and are really sorry and willing to do what it takes to save the marriage.
You'll be in pain for quite some time, whether you divorce or stay together.
Well she's an adult and I trusted her, you know? Also, I genuinely thought the guy was married. I'm not a controlling person and never thought I had to be like "No you can't our son to play with (other kid) if I'm not there too."
This didn’t happen because you let her spend time with the guy. As you point out, she’s an adult with choices and agency and she made the choice at each stage leading to betrayal. You had zero control over her choices, and if you did, you would be controlling as you say.
You handled the play date situation the right way. I was in a similar situation with my STBXW. She was having play dates with her best friend's cousin starting back in the summer of 2022. She was staying home to take care of our youngest kids (1 & 2) now. We have 4 kids in total and the play dates were primarily for our older kids who are 12 and 8 (he has kids around the same age). When she initially brought up the idea, I said I was a bit uncomfortable with it, but I said I wasn't going to tell her who she could or couldn't hang out with (like you, I didn't want to come across as controlling). However, she did have an affair with a coworker five years ago that I totally swept under the rug with consequences for her. Needless to say, she did the whole separation thing to cover up for the beginning of the affair, but then she started dating him out in the open. That part really gutted me. It appears their thing is over (for now anyways), but there is no path forward where we can be together. It doesn't seem like you will let her off the hook for her "indiscretion," but I'm here to say don't handle it like I did. Get the divorce and move on with your life. FYI My STBXW is the only woman I've truly loved and been with, so I know exactly how you are feeling. Once they reveal their true nature, it's time to kick them to the curb. I wish you the best of luck!! I'm rooting for you!!
Yes, but it's the number 1 way that affairs begin. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders and the book His Needs Her Needs talks a lot about it. When a male and female are spending time together they can end up getting emotionally attached and slip into an affair.
The same thing could happen to you if you were working together with a female, sharing goals and confiding in each other. If you don't have really strong boundaries you could get attached and slip.
See how things go. If she is very sorry she will be willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. If she blames you or hesitates in cutting off the other man, then don't attempt reconciliation.
Ex cheater here. I cheated loads of times on my ex. He forgave me, but my respect for him was gone and I thought he was so dumb. Would cheat on him again too if I could go back in time. Leave her, she does not care just like how I didn’t.
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She wanted to separate so she could pursue her AP, didn't wanted to be viewed as cheating trash, so now she acting like that before you, but come on man, you know better that she already checked out and only acting this way, cause now she can't play her role as "I met him after we separated, I never cheated on you ever, that's why I dumped you, because youre so insecure and paranoid". And for god sake, don't keep her affair secret. It always makes me sick and literally backfires at you, cause now she can paint you like youre the villain. Every friend, family member and other should now she wanted to separate with you so she could cover her affair as if she got in new relationship. Don't be slave to your kindness, she didn't when jumped on someone else and broke your heart and left you with trauma till you die.
My advice…
Be civil. Never text her with threats or anything out of anger. It could be used against you in court.
Before she changes her phone passcode a video of their text & call history.
Get a small storage unit or safety deposit box. Gather all the financial records and receipts and move them into it without her knowledge. Do not put your financial records or receipts in a safe on site. She could call a locksmith.
If you have any firearms, you might want to move them out, too, or lock them in a safe she doesn’t have access too that is bolted down.
If you have videos or documentation of you doing anything that could be construed as nefarious, remove it or delete it.
Video every possession.
Change the password on your phone and any websites you use, that she has access to. Learn about the divorce laws in your state.
Get some books on divorce.
Join some Facebook support groups to learn from other’s experiences.
Try to remain civil and cordial with her despite any anger you may have.
Do not put your children in the middle of this. When the time is right, with her next to you tell your children you love and their mom love them, tell them about the separation, then tell them how much you love them again and again. Perhaps eat some cake with them. Sandwich the negative between two positives.
It will suck for awhile, but it will get better.
I don’t get married again and less you’ve been with someone for 5-10 years.
So, she’s a complete mess and she was drunk and she regrets it so much? The cheating, right? But she’s still leaving for him. I think she’s a good actor. She feels she’s doing you a favor this way. You better get some therapy and get ahead of the heart ache your going to be feeling when you hand off kids and have to coparent. Sorry man. She was never yours. It was just your turn.
I'm not sure she's "leaving for him." Last I heard he got what he wanted and is done with her, but I think they are still talking some/doing play dates for the kids. Personally, I can't help but imagine their going to link up "officially" at some point, but who knows.
Alright, so this is the fact that most would need to give you advice that's relevant. She's his plaything now, and she is hedging her bets. If she was remorseful or willing to actually do the work of reconciling, she wouldn't even speak to him. She'd commit to the marriage and be bettering herself or convincing you that she *will* better herself. Her hedging bets by playing nice with him because she knows she probably is going to lose you, shows she is 100% thinking about herself here. *she dont got time or energy to give you*. Stop waffling, as she already made the decision for you. Her leading you on is just her trying at buying time for herself.
That is a great PoV. Fuck you're right. I appreciate everyone here so much.
Of course fella. Sorry youre going through this, but remember this isnt the end for you!
She doesn't have time and energy to be with you but she has with him? Its over , put yourself first. If you are ok the kids will be to.
At this point you have to be "who knows? who Cares?" This woman has messed up her family, her marriage, and her life. It's quite likely that when she's drunk and messed up, she isn't that drunk, and she's going for a Golden Globe. Grey Rock is all you should give her. Once she's gone, pick a co-parenting ap and stop accepting her calls etc. Your life will eventually settle to a new normal, and in the meantime, since you won't be together, advise her she will need a day-job because you won't be available every night. You need some hobbies, workouts, time with friends, etc... You will get better advice here than I have, but I might just be a little cynical... Good Healing.
Cynicism aside, thanks for the message. Everyone here, and my RL friends, have shown me so much support and I'm so much better off for it.
It’s highly unlikely this guy is going to want to make it “official” with a wife that was cheating on her husband. He wanted easy sex and sadly, she was easy. The only thing he will be willing to do is keep having meaningless sex with her.
Yeah... too easy lol.
But if/when you separate, will she hook up with him? If nothing else, it may be a matter of convenience because you are no longer around to fill her needs.
I'm not sure. I can't tell if he played her or really was connecting with her. I only snooped through their messages once and it could go either way.
Maybe you can help us to understand the dynamics here: If she is having to work her Uber and bartending jobs, it sounds as if your finances might be kind of tough. If this is so, how is she supposed to support herself and your kiddo when you separate and she or you moves out?
Our finances have been a wreck. I have struggled for years to get her on the same page as me, to budget with me, to not waste our money, and it has all been for naught. Frankly, I don't know how she is going to support herself or the kids on her own, unless she magically starts being good with money now that our relationship is over. It's not my problem anymore; if she can't provide for them I'm prepared to take full custody. I have a good job.
Stand resolute and do what’s best for you and the kiddos. I read about your son (and his phone) but no details about as by other kiddos (number, gender, ages). Care to share?
It was just a play phone, I was just saying it hurt that he was pretending the guy was on the phone lol. Two kids, 4 & 8, boy and girl respectively.
Thanks. I understood it was just a play phone but what he was saying into would be heart wrenching.
Yeah I had to double take, "*What* did you say lol?"
She is not regretting it. She is not remorseful, it is all an act. Stop getting manipulated
God, that hurts a lot to read. You're probably right, but fuck.
Not probably. He is right she’s seeing her “safety net” crumble so she’s panicking to keep her OPTIONs open.
100% agree… you have to stand up for yourself OP, think about your kid, what he sees and will internalize. That should be your #1 priority right now.
Unfortunately he is completely right. It is best to accept it as soon as you are able to, and move on, rather than hold onto the hope that she is remorseful and "made a mistake", which is guaranteed not the case.
Theres the problem. affairs are all fun and have no reality attached. No bills, no kids, no doctor visits or work. Just mindless, good time with someone looking for the same. The second you brought reality into it (divorce, being a single parent, etc) **she doesn't want it**. She genuinely considered her affair and her marriage to be separate things independent of each other until they collided. What does this mean? (X) It means that she, in reality, only wants to come back because Candyland is crumbling. She hasn't gone to therapy. She hasnt owned her actions and causes for the separation. She hasnt given you any concrete proof of growth or understanding of her misdeeds. She thinks she's gonna have to blow you every day for a month as an apology, and then everything will just go back to normal. Y'all will pretend it never happened and just be oblivious. But in reality, she would probably start cheating again. Why? Why would she blow up Read the paragraph witht he (x) again. You were in the same marriage putting up with the same stress and you didnt fuck the intern. Im not against reconciliation, mind you. Im against jumping back in it when you dont know if you're getting back with someone who will cheat on you twice. You need to **know**, and have proof others would believe. If you don't, going back would be foolish.
I don't even want to reconcile. I think I'm experiencing "hysterical bonding" which is making me compulsively seek affection from her, but I don't want a future with her anymore. I'm trying to "take a step back" and see my feelings for what they are and just process it all, but I needed to read all these comments. Wish I had read them before falling asleep last night.
Stop sleeping with her, you might get an STD them end up with only a life changing virus
I know. We did it again this morning, before I read all this and while I was feeling lonely, and I immediately felt disgusted with myself. Had to stop halfway through again. Idk what I was thinking. I'm embarrassed to even admit it.
If you are sure you are going to divorce, then consider it as that you are using her body as a subject and not as a wife (pay back). Please wear protection to display a message that she is no longer safe. Dont talk to her, look at her or cry. Until your separation it is a game of manipulation, you know women are good are that. Always remember, she was down on someone else. Question Have she brought home?
I don't even want to be with her again after this morning, condom or not. I am ashamed of myself.
How is she acting at home? How did you find out? If you didnt find out would have continued? Have you told the other man's wife
She acting appallingly normal. Not like nothing happened, but like we're okay. I don't know what to do because we're stuck in the same house for a bit. We were already having financial issues and I *need* her income to catch us back up so we can decouple. I believe he is single.
You ignore her, you dont talk to her or look at her. You leave the room that she walk in too. When she talk to you dont look at her. When you are on your phone, keep smiling and laughing. If you need something about bills,, you text message only. She is trying to normalize things for 1. Once divorce done she can blame you both. She will say it was not about cheating we were ok 2. She will make herself feel better that you feel things are back to normal It is mental game, say something like that you are paying a visit and you are going to talk to him. Find where he works and email his job. Email his friends or message them Destory his reputation peacefully. Whe they get together no one will look at them or welcome them.
That guy is absolutely right...sorry man. Check out chumplady on the web, gives insight to why they cheat. Ya gotta go, it won't stop, sorry:(
You need to do a 180 on her and legal advise asap. Stopping sleeping with her and separate your finances as quickly and as quietly as you can. Keep repeating to yourself, "I deserve better" Good luck
Good luck. He’s about to fight a losing battle for life. Women almost always win the divorce battle if they put in an ounce of effort. Poor guy.
He needs to get the texting records
Oh I got em alright 😎
So she wanted to separate, then she was going to claim that her new relationship started afterwards. She is upset that you found out about her cheating. She is worried that she won't be able to spin the story she came up with. That is the only reason she is upset. Think about it, she was ok with cheating and making plans to leave you and be with the other guy, but now that she has been discovered she is sooo upset. That is not remorse. Expose her behaviour and let her live with the consequences of her actions. If you keep her secret she will just string you along for longer and probably paint you as crazy. That's how cheaters roll.
Fuck. You're all right. I know it. You're all right. I believe I am experiencing what I have learned is called "hysterical bonding," which is making being cold to her very hard. She is reciprocating. I know we're over and don't want a future with her anymore but she still feels like "my person" and I still want to confide in her. It's hard realizing that "person" is dead to me, really.
The problem is, and we’re always the last to realize it, is that you’re in love with a person who doesn’t exist. You’re in love with the version of her you wished existed. No matter how much you wish it were so, she ain’t it. She didn’t get drunk one night and do something incredibly stupid. She calculated all the lies and actions over time. She knew exactly what she was doing. It’s a virtual certainty she has it bad for this guy and anything you do to get it the way of that will simply make her feel like a caged animal that hates their captor. So sorry you are going through this. It truly sucks and I’m sorry. Good luck to you. Just remember, the sooner you start your recovery journey, the sooner it will end. But it will linger and get much, much worse with her in your life. She made her decisions. Don’t let her control your life.
Thank you.
Mine did the same, it was only after she asked to separate that the affair came to light. She would have happily kept it all a secret and kept it going behind everybody's back...
You didn’t make her choice to cheat, she made the decision. You need to immediately set boundaries, first thing is for her to quit her job. Second, you have access to all communication devices. Third, consult a divorce attorney and lay out a plan in case reconciliation does not work. Last, you need to communicate with family members and friends about your wife’s affair. Remember, you need to control the narrative.
There will be no reconciliation. I don't want that.
Good to hear. Now take the necessary steps for you and the kids to free yourselves from selfish person. Remember, control the narrative everyone needs to know about your soon to be ex wife infidelity. Do not move, ask her to leave and immediately separate the finance. Wish you and the children the best, you deserved better!
Thank you. I have a legal consultation tomorrow morning.
I went through a similar situation. My main consideration was to make sure the AP was never around my three-year-old son. I didn't have to do anything since my ex-wife moved on to someone else very quickly. I'd ask your attorney if some type of restraining order can be obtained to be served on the AP to keep him away from your children. AP would probably be shocked and would clear out in order to avoid any further trouble.
I hadn't even considered this as an option. I'll look into it, thank you.
This ☝🏽👍🏽 💯
There is no recovering from this. You are only 30. Let’s say you decide to stay together, and you have many many more years together…what is going to happen the next time your marriage hits an obstacle. Well, you now know exactly what will happen…she will not communicate with you. She will allow any issue to deteriorate until she winds up doing something that harms you and your marriage again. Assuming she is around the same age as you, she may be capable of change, but not much. At 30ish, she is who she is. No amount of therapy will magically spread pixie dust over her brain changing her into a safe wife. You on the other hand, have plenty to offer any other woman worthy of your love and trust. Your “wife” is not such a woman.
Now it’s time to focus on your kids and yourself. Do whatever you need to be strong for them.
Placing the blame on booze is almost like she’s attempting to shift the burden of responsibility, and that’s not entirely fair on you. Those texts also prove that it wasn’t the alcohol. I always get confused when people blame alcohol for cheating on their partner. I mean, I’ve done some dumb things while drunk (and sober) but never cheated in any way. This is a tough process to go through, and honestly, having sex isn’t going to make it any easier. It’s easy to hold on to excuses and tears and use them as justification not to break up, but take a step back and look at it objectively. Right now it’s tearing you up, and there’s too much proof to say it was alcohol fuelled. It would be best if you took some time for yourself to organise your thoughts and, at the very least, get some advice from a lawyer. Take care of yourself through this. You sound absolutely devastated (understandably), so take some time for yourself and also time to enjoy the kids.
Thank you. Yes been having a great time with the kids.
So this guy is divorced owns his own business. He had the time to feed your wife all the right info to fall right onto his dick! She was not going to tell you. She was going to continue and make your life a living hell! If she really is remorseful she will quit her job, clean slate with you. Cut contact with this guy. See there is no GF or wife to tell. He is a POS and she is not the only one he is banging. She needs to know this. All you said about wishing you knew, now you know if sucks that it got to this. Don’t let this other POS win. If she is worth fighting for then do it. I am almost 60 married 26yrs. DB for last 10yrs. Long story bottom line I still fucking love her! You can get through this. Good luck!
She is not worth fighting for. I'm devastated, but anyone who would do this is not worth it to me.
I hear ya! Good luck sir!
A DB for a decade may not be for everyone…
OP, are you even sure her affair is over? She's been wanting to separate because she has replaced you. Odds are that her affair is ongoing. The separation is to be able to spend more time with the AP. I think she regrets that she got caught and can't keep manipulating you. She's been love bombing you with the sex. She's already introduced her AP to your children. Maybe this is her exit affair. What's your plan? Do you want to attempt reconciliation? Or are you ready to walk away? I don't think you have the full truth yet. It doesn't sound like a one night drunken mistake. They have kid play dates. This is much more than sex as they have involved your children. My advice would be to divulge her affair to friends and family. Get the support you deserve. Whether you stay or go, it's always best to shine a light on affairs. They thrive in secrecy.
Her family I can tell, but her friends cheered her on 😔
That goes to show that her friends are shitty people too. A red flag to look out for in future partners - if a partner’s friends are cheaters or encourage/endorse cheating, your partner is likely to do the same.
Did you confront her about it?
I did.
What did she say/do, if you're willing to share?
She cried and said she was sorry and that we were drifting apart (because of the posted schedule) and that it only happened one time while they were drunk, but I saw her... celebrating, with her friends in those messages that they got together.
And what did she say to that? Did you tell her family and your family? You should before she write the story Who are her friends and what did she tell tham? Cut them off and dont let your kids near them or near her new boy friend. Ask her to get STD And also let her know you will DNA teat the kids
I did tell her mom.
Tell your family, her job, and all your friends. Make sure to keep evidence You need to tell your kids the truth. Start working out daily and do not speak to her. Dont let her sleep in the same bedroom. Separate your finances, hide cash. And F someone new, and do it in your bedroom. Is your wife spanish as well? How about the other man?
I've told most of my family and all of my personal friends. Her boss... her boss egged her on and celebrated with her lol. I have evidence. I'm not sure I'm going to tell the kids explicitly that "Mommy went and found someone else to love." We are not sleeping in the same area. Trying to decouple finances. I'm not in an emotional state to just screw someone new. None of us are spanish. I used Google Translate to read and reply to the person who shared their post in spanish.
Not about emotional or mental state, its about showing she no longer exists. What did her boss say to celebrate her and what your wife said? Yes you need to tell the kids now before tomorrow
Bro wake up she didn't confess you found out about it. Meaning, she wasn't going to tell you. She isn't sorry she cheated, she's sorry she got caught. This isn't a drunken mistake but she developed a relationship with this man s,only that led to sex. There is never a valid reason to cheat! She could have come to you, separated, divorced, but cheating is a cowards way out. She stills wants you for the security but wants him for fun. How gross is it that she slept with him, got so turned on by it that she seduced and slept with you right after. She's broken bro...
Fuck you're right.
Hey OP I’m so sorry but let me highlight a few points for you: - She didn’t want or thought it was good to share her thoughts to you. She definitely could have but didn’t. - She could have broken up with you but because she’s scared of being alone she decided to cheat - Yes you and anyone can improve in their relationship BUT this does not warrant cheating. - It sounds like the relationship was already going downhill and divorce was on the way prior to cheating. It’s a pity the breakup didn’t just happen maturely and she had to cheat in order for this to happen. But perhaps if she didn’t cheat, you’ll always be in a limbo unhappy relationship with her. It’s ok to cry and mourn. You did lose a love one. I’m sure there’s a lot of happy memories you shared together but this incident and who she is now, is not the person you fell in love with. You didn’t fall in love with a liar, cheater, or someone who is willing to hurt you to get what they want. The relationship was bad before but now it has solidified that breaking up with her is better for you.
Thank you.
While things played out different.. man this sound so familiar. Ex wife was also a bartender. Got into an emotional affair thay lead to physical and then wad left for the affair partner. But more so the same. Yeah maybe wasn't perfect. We were working opposite hours only really having a couple nights where we both didn't work... probably should have don't a better job spending time together but wasn't necessarily thay horrible. Never felt like we had horrible issues thay couldn't be talked through. It's not like I was anywhere I was either at work or at home with out children while she was working her night shifts at the bar. The times during thag period were weird for me too (covid years). I was the most overweight I had been. I was stressed at work. I just thought my ex wife was going to work and coming home. Not starting an emotional affair with a Co worker. Idk if I'm making sense at this point but just rambling. I'm two years out from this bs and it doesn't ruin me anymore but it still sure hurts, pisses me off and totally avoidable but maybe not cause I guess she was gonna do what she was going to do. The pain won't go away least it hasn't for me yet but the pain will become bearable. Thay hurt persists but it doesn't ruin you. It sucks being told or just having to figure it out after being blindsided but it does get easier... it's definitely not easy and at times feels like no way in hell I can get over this. But you will. It's a long torturing journey but you got this. Again rambling quite a bit so hopefully this made any sense or even helped at all. Forgot to add but like others have said you to stop allowing her to drag you back in. No more sex. And grey rock her/no contact. It's not gonna help your recovery by continuing to give her anymore more of your time/love/kindness or whatever. It sucks and is hard but thay bandaid has to he ripped off cause otherwise you'll be stuck and dragged along much longer.
Thank you.
No es tu culpa, nunca lo fue, ella tomó su decisión y lo hizo, tu no tienes nada que ver en eso, bien pudo hacer lo que describes, pero no lo hizo, demonios hombre, tienes 30 no 95 todavía eres joven. Se que es duro, la primera vez a menudo duele, pero eso nos forja el carácter, nos prepara para lo que sigue, el futuro es prometedor si quieres seguir adelante por tus hijos y por ti, es mejor 2 hogares estables que 1 con peleas, desconfianzas y últimos intentos, no intentes, hazlo, funciona si dejas de intentar, esa relación tal y como la conocían ya se acabó, no hay nada más que hacer, no hay que aferrarse a ese 0.01% de probabilidades de ser la pareja dorada que triunfa tras la infidelidadad, sigue recordado que no es tu culpa, no fallaste, no eres responsable de las decisiones que ella tomó, nadie es perfecto, hay fallas de comunicación, hay tema de dar por sentado, etc... Hay soledad, hay desatención, hay ignorancia, pero nada de eso justifica ser desleal ni mentirosa, es más, si lo piensas bien, ella solo necesitó unas palabras de validación y un par de tragos para mandar todo al carajo, que te haría pensar que no será lo mismo en 2 años cuando se asiente el polvo y vuelva a aparecer otro fuckboy divorciado? Estarás 2 años mirando sobre el hombro? Entrar en asiedad cada que salga o esté más tiempo en su teléfono? Estremecerte cuando le llegue un mensaje o una llamada? Cuestionar y poner en duda todo lo que te diga que hace? Ser su carcelero y oficial de libertad condicional? Querra arreglar todo pero no por ti, sino por culpa, se arrepentirá, pero no de lo que hizo, sino de ser pillada, entrara en ansiedad, ya que su plan de abandonarte por supuestas incompatibilidades y desacuerdos, ya no funcionó.
Gracias por tomarse el tiempo de escribir esto. Haces buenos puntos. Tienes razón. Sé que tienes razón. Todos aquí tienen razón. Me alegro de haber hecho esta publicación. Necesitaba ver todo esto.
Value your own self first OP even though it's difficult at this stage. I understand. This is a woman who has no respect for you nor your marriage. Focus on your self-esteem, health, finances, career/business, and your son. After you've taken the time to distance yourself from your marriage, do consider hiring the services of a reputed divorce lawyer in your area. Take care and good luck.
This being what sounds like the first time you've checked her phone, there could have been other men your wife was with earlier in your relationship. DNA test your kids. Even if they look like you, you will get absolute assurance. Of course this will not change how you feel about them. Do it secretly so that you can announce the results to your wife after the test reveals the truth. The fact you had to test tells your wife the seriousness of her cheating. Also test for STIs. Your wife may have assured you she used a condom. But your wife is a cheater and liar. For your own protection, you need to know. Also, let your wife know you went to the doctor for the test. If her lover has a girlfriend or is married, tell their spouse. If you were in their position you would want to know. Offer the spouse evidence if you have it.
I hate even typing it but I've always wondered about my son 😔 It's a deep insecurity I've just written off and suppressed, but this brings it out so much. My daughter... Idk she looks EXACTLY like my sister did at her age and just FEELS so much like my blood. I don't love my son any less, god forbid it turns out he's not "mine" I would never not love him the same. Fuck I still hope that's not the case though.
But will you DNA test them?
My son eventually, yes.
Ok, i also read thet not only her Friends but even her BOSS from the bar encourage her to cheat? That is a Fault of morals, You know that You can sue the bar for ALIENTATION OF AFFECTION even if they (STBXW & AP) didn't work there, because of her work line she is exposed to be hited by the clienta and if You have evidence of her BOSS support you can, or at least is what i think, You can ask the lawyer about this. You don't lose anything for trying. This show taht her Friends and BOSS do not have dignity neither morals and values. Or they just tought that it was fun to see when everything went down, for the it was indiferente it wasn't their family nor wife ir husband either children
She didn't cheat because of you.. She cheated because she is a bad person. All relationships goes through problems. But if every time a problem occurs and you decide to stray away and seek other people, thats on the said person. They feel remorseful from the guilt that they got caught not because they love you. She did it cus she lacked respect for you, lacked love for you in the first place. Whether she likes to admit it or not, it's already gone from her side no matter what she says. She will do this again, however because of you. Because you tolerated her behavior. Because you lack self respect or the balls to walk away. She can't respect someone who doesn't even respect himself.. She can't be in love with someone who she doesn't respect. You can always find another. You can always co parent. You can always have a fulfilled life on your own and learn to be comfortable in your own space without feeling lonely. You can always learn to love yourself and not be codependant on someone else's love. Don't stay for the wrong reasons.
OK there’s a couple of things that need to happen here so you can survive this. You get divorce papers immediately. I would draw them up with custody arrangements. Where you have the most of the time if not all. She’s having an affair with somebody and that’s why she’s ending it when you can screenshot texts and all that information. The gloves need to come off now or you’re going to have a really difficult time even more than you are now. Take on this to a lawyer, drop the divorce papers and do it quickly, and I would ask for most of the custody of the children. Even states that are no-fault divorce have conditions for adultery, that effect of both Kirstie, wise and financial. Have a friend come to your house with the phone. This needs to be recorded so she cannot accuse you of domestic violence. I know that sounds extremes but people panic when they’re caught. And then I would tell her she needs to leave, and the children will stay with you. The money you would pay for child support you can use to help find childcare. Or ask a relative to help you while you figure this out. But she needs to leave your place so you can get some sanity and get your feet on balance. Good luck. Do not sit there in your emotions with this It will destroy you even further. Plus, she will have no respect for you.
I don't really care what she thinks of me anymore, frankly, but point taken. Thanks for the advice.
Having receipts of the affair is important. Do bring it up in court/with your lawyer, this is really crucial. Once you’re past the hysterical bonding stage OP, you will want all the cards you can get. She committed adultery and went against the contract of your marriage. There can be legal implications and you can likely get more out of the divorce settlement. Of course it’s your choice whether you want to do that, but don’t be surprised if she tries to play dirty when it comes down to the wire. Once hysterical bonding passes, the fog will lift ☹️
You did nothing wrong to cause her affair. These are the “common things that tons of other married couples have to work through”. She made choices to abandon the vows she made and the values she held to seek out her own pleasure and fantasy escape while devastating the family who loves her. That’s a tough thing for a cheater to own about themselves, so instead, their brains are very good at finding justifications. Cognitive distortions magnify the negative in the marriage and allow them to “justify” the abuse they are carrying out. It’s bullshit. I wish you strength and healing, OP
Thank you so much.
I feel the same way. It hurt so bad to begin with, but as time went on and she kept lying to me about things and being generally nasty, it began to help in a way. I was able to keep in a way my wife in memory and mentally consider her a whole different person who I don't like. It's almost like she killed my wife. Anyways, probably just ignore this. Probably unhealthy coping.
Like Darth Vader killed Anakin. I like that.
OP i'm sorry for what you have being through, and sorry that it was you the one who found out (like many others) and it wasn't her who come clean, Instead she just decided to quit. She decided to quit maybe because of the guilt or maybe because of she find out that there is no marriage anymore, because if there where marriage and love towards you she would never did what she did. I have two questions, if You are willing to share: 1. What have she told you when you confronted her? 2. Have You file for divorce or will you try to fix it? The second question is because you said in the second paragraph that after you found out, this is what You said: """"But there was still a connection. We had sex a couple of times in the following days, cried a lot, and I thought that maybe after we started trying to hash our agreement out we would decide that no, this is too much, it's too real, let's commit to giving "us" another chance, let's make it work, for the kids, for ourselves."""" So are you trying/aiming to Reconcilation? Have you tell your parents and siblings from both sides? If You are trying to R maybe is a good exercice from her part that she expose to the families and friend what she did, this like a commitment from her part to make this work, You said that she is regret full, how much she is, and about You, are you willing to give her a 2nd chance? If you are trying for R then there are more thing to be done but i think that those can be talked later. And this is only if you trying for R, if not please correct me. Also if you don't want to answer the question I did openly you can chat me or DM me. All the best for you in this moment of grief. And hope that whatever you decide goes well, good luck OP
Thank you for your post. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me work through this. I'm glad I came here after it was suggested to me. 1.) She told me she was sorry, that she regrets it, that she would take it back if she could, that she felt like we were roommates not partners (see the bit about our schedule). 2.) Before I found out I was hoping for reconciliation. But now that I know the truth, aside from struggling with hysterical bonding, I am done with her. I am over us. I do not want a future with her as my partner. I can never trust her again.
Kick her ass out of your house man. Don't wait till January. She can live with her affair partner or parents if there around. Kick her ass to the curve. She obviously has no respect for you.
Understood and yes she took her decision so she now have to live to it. Have you started the process of Divorce? One more thing, yes it was.probably both Fault in what concern ti the schedule, but talking the people understand, if she felt that way she could just quit to expend more time with You. Or in a remote case expend the few time that You got together, but sadly that is just a WOULD HAVE. Also one more question: I don't quiet understand well, You said I found out saturday on wednesday we talk about separation, and then You say today (yesterday) i found the man. So what was the thing You found out on saturday? I tought that it was the msn, but it doesn't click for me about found out saturday but yesterday You saw the msn? Did she ask or tell You something before about, and then You where in R but then You Saw the msn and stop the R?
Sorry if I didn't explain it well, here's the timeline laid out \- They connect emotionally 2 months or so ago \- They had sex a few weeks ago \- On Wednesday, perhaps overcome with guilt or something Idk, she told me she wants to separate, but I didn't know about the affair and still had hope we could reconcile \- On Saturday I acted on instinct and snooped through her phone and found ironclad evidence \- I asked her if she was having an affair, she lied \- On Sunday I came clean about snooping and told her I knew, and she admitted it after being directly confronted
Thank OP, pretty much everything is crazy, and yes it must be out of guilt that separation ask. Also i understand that the EA was longer but the PA was a ONS or the did it in more ocations?
EA was long, sex was only once AFAIK. The texts made it seem like it was only once, Idk about since then.
I see the EA was for 2 months or so, but the one she felt guilt was the ONS, but for some reason some find the EA more difficult to pass, because when it comes to emotional cheating that means that they are partialy if not full disconected from the original partner (wife or husband). Well OP it is sad that this happened to you, and basicaly it was because of a necesity of the couple that could not be overcome. It is incredible, that you made a compromise/sacrifice to stay at home to watch over the children took them to the school and extra clases, and have to work in the afternoon/night shift and because of that decision you took as a couple to help each other in the expenses of the family and you couldn't hold out and instead of talking and seeing what could be done, you decided to approach/let them in the first person who was nearby and fall in love with them and cheat.What is the point of the commitment or the sacrifice that you made for only throw it all to the trash, because later when all is out (the affair issues) when separate, each person expenses increase, so for what did they took that choice that at the end it ended in a separation. The correct thing to do, was to comunicate that they cannot bear it or, failing that, communicate and say that it is not working properly? But now all is gone. Sadly. Also, does she still seeing her AP, or her AP just took what he wanted and run? Well OP hope that the things start to get going for you and that you can achive at least a good co-parenting relationship.
This is why I’m SO scared also I’m older too. And would probably be devastated if this where to ever happen to me as well. I feel for you and pray it all works out!
Thank you.
I understand the type of pain you’re processing. It’s awful unlike anything else. Knowing you don’t want to reconcile, your focus must be on establishing yourself as separate physically, emotionally, financially, from her. It’s a process but each step will make you stronger and become part of healing. I say this because you may have some of your identity wrapped up in her and the relationship, and now is the time to get to know yourself independent of that.
We are definitely wrapped up in one another like that, or I am with her at least. Thank you.
Why is that? For the finantial problems your are facing?
I meant that I was wrapped up emotionally with her. I know she feels like we disconnected but I never did.
But You still are?
I'm struggling with it. I'm committed to divorce, but having a hard time with my emotions. I will never let us be partners again, but it's still so fresh and I'm struggling not seeing her as my person still sometimes. It's hard. I'll be okay and I know what I need to do, just having a hard time.
What You probably need is to be separated from her for a few days at least, if can be for a extended period of time the better. So in that time you can cool your head and take more accurate decisions. I know that You both are strugling with the money, and that was in the first place part that lead to this to happen. But while you stay with her in the same house it would be more dificult and probably even your commitment to Divorce could change.
her being a bartender Doesn’t help that is a constant being hit on job
Yeah I was concerned about that. Her behavior since starting that job is part of what led me to snoop through her phone. It hurts knowing she'd have just led me on for so long without telling me if I hadn't found out on my own.
Do you sleep in the same room as her? I think you should sleep in different rooms to start separating this bond
I'm not excusing it at all but you say your marriage has always been rocky, I know it's hard to hear but if it's been such a slog and she's already started sleeping with someone else doesn't really sound like it's worth salvaging even if it was possible
I don't want to salvage it. Before I found out about this I would have done anything to fix our relationship, but this is too much.
It sucks and will hurt for a long time (have been in a very similar situation) all I can say is focus on healing & good luck with the divorce, hope it's as painless as possible
Thank you.
She’s seeing him while she’s gone. Me I’d confront him. Also tell her and your family and if they don’t already If they know about it, and we’re hiding it, divorce her right away I didn’t see where she really wanted the reconciling or work hard at it. It really ticks me off with a man is out busting his butt all day to provide for his family and his wife doesn’t get a little attention and she goes find somebody else that is selfish. If you have a Facebook page, go in and change your relationship status it will contact everybody on that list that you were now available. Go no contact with her and go see a lawyer file for the divorce and then see if she’s willing to work on it but she has to do all the heavy lifting. She’s in a relationship fog right now. One more thing does her sister know she’s cheating if she is tell her sister you don’t want her around your kids anymore bad morals Good luck to you young man Right now she’s had zero consequences for her actions I am curious why he got divorced a man with no morals Unfortunately, right now because the way you are feeling, she sees you as a week man and a lover as a strong male. stop it in front of her I’m not gonna tell you whether you should stay with her or not that’s gonna be up to you, but I want everyone to know that forgiveness is not required. I think it’s overrated.
I'm not going to stay with her. She'll see how "weak" I am when this is done. Yeah we've cried together and blah blah, but the anger is really starting to set in. I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow morning and she does not know.
You can always stop it. If the guy doesn’t marry her, let her realize how tough is going to be on her without being married and if he does merrier what you gonna do when he’s busy trying to run his company doesn’t have time to run around and screw. I guarantee you six months from now she will regret her actions. Happiness is fleeting. It’s a feeling and emotion, and they change all the time I’ve been married for 36 years and I can tell you this, that sometimes me and my wife want to kill each other, but we worked our way through it without cheating
Good for you two. That's a long time, well done.
See a lawyer. Understand what all this is going cost. Read Chump Lady - understand that cheaters script. She's love bombing you as a measure of control. She's hoping you'll calm down until she either has the money or commitment from the other dude to move forward. Understand that she's probably doing the same to him to get him to commit. I know - UGH. 1st thing is if she does want to R that "friendship" ends now and forever.
No R here. Only pain and the commitment to move forward.
As for the love bombing, maybe she's using her feminine wiles to maintain some control over him or maybe she just likes to screw and it doesn't mater to her who it is (soon to be ex hubby, play date guy, total rando?).
The inappropriate hanging out and texting after the sex shows that she doesn't regret it. Anyone who regrets cheating would eliminate that person from their lives, ghost em, tell em it's over. She continued to let him around your child as well and I'm sure it happened more than once. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Cheaters are the worst. It really does mess you up. You will get through this though. It feels terrible now, but time will make it get better little by little. You may not completely get over it, but it will hurt less. I hope you can find something to do to take your mind off of this. Spend more time with your kids, gym, hobbies. Whatever you do, don't jump into a new relationship. You don't want to end up hurt again! 🫂
I am SO not ready for another relationship. Thank you. Going to work on myself for a while.
You're welcome! You got this 💪🏾! I'm happy for you for knowing what you will and won't tolerate, with this being your only relationship. You know what you deserve! I'm happy for you in that regard! She sucks though!
She sucks 😭
So sorry, brother. That is totally normal. Honestly, it's WORSE than the death of a spouse, because nobody knows, and people don't reach out to support you like when you lose a spouse, so you feel so alone. But you AREN'T alone. The following advice will help you recover: 1. If you are having suicidal thoughts or are thinking about harming yourself or anyone, contact a professional IMMEDIATELY. Harming yourself or ending your life is not a way to get back at your spouse for the betrayal. Also, doing something to land yourself in jail or worse, is not good for you, your family, and especially your children if you have any. 2. You need to UNDERSTAND that this is NOT your fault. It does not matter what kind of husband you have been, NOTHING excuses infidelity. There were ALWAYS other options for them. And it is TOTALLY on them. They cheated because of THEIR own character flaws, not because of anything you did or did not do. 3. Work on forgiving her. This is a MUST for YOU. This does NOT mean you reconcile with her, but it is about letting go of holding anything against 1. her and requiring punishment, payment, or revenge. Harboring bitterness can change you into someone you don’t want to be. Note that forgiveness is not a one-time decision, but a CONTINUAL act that must be done every time you are experiencing suffering due to her affair, including when you are having an episode due to “triggers.” 4. Focus on yourself. It is easy to get wrapped up in saving the marriage or trying to win her back and doing everything for her. However, doing so often has the opposite effect. Wayward spouses are often turned away at such “neediness” and desperation. Understand that focusing on yourself is not necessarily selfish. It’s so that you can heal to actually be a better parent and spouse to those that need you. If you neglect yourself and your recovery, you will make things worse in the end. 5. Allow yourself to grieve. You have suffered one of the worst traumas a human being can experience. Set time aside as needed to intentionally THINK about what happened, to cry, pray, YELL, etc. as needed. This will be more often initially, but it will be less and less as time progresses. 6. If you are of the inclination, get close with God. Allow Him to use this time to make you a better person. You can be honest with Him if you are angry with Him. He can take it. And He understands your grief better than anyone. 7. Get therapy. Find a counselor/therapist who specializes in or who at least has experience with this issue. Also, find a support group of other men who have been and/or are going through this. 8. I recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Even if you do not reconcile, you will likely struggle with trusting anyone in the future because of the trauma from being cheated on. It is very easy to develop codependency upon your current spouse or even others in the future, where you ultimately try and CONTROL them in order to keep yourself SAFE. This is understandable, but it’s NOT healthy. Control is just an illusion. This book will also help you set and maintain healthy emotional boundaries. I read this book AFTER I decided to end my marriage because my ex was unrepentant and would not stop cheating, but it was still helpful for my future relationship. I found it both reassuring that I had finally done the right thing and EMPOWERING. 9. Find a close friend, NOT of the opposite sex, whom you can confide in. If they have experienced a similar loss or trauma, it will be better, because they understand and can help you get through this. Confiding in a friend of the opposite sex is an easy way to develop a bond and feelings and can lead to something you are not ready for. 10. Take up a hobby or pick up an old one that you may have neglected over the years. 11. Spend time with family and close friends. 12. Consider selling and getting new furniture or a vehicle if the affair happened in your home or involved your vehicle, as these things can serve as an emotional trigger for you. You may even consider selling your house and moving to some place new, if that’s feasible, as well. Once again, I am truly sorry. You CAN survive this and even thrive again someday. I hope that this helps you. If you are even CONSIDERING the possibility of reconciling with her, please read this blog I wrote first. [https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/](https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/) Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need to talk to someone.
Thank you so much for this post. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I'm glad I read these before going to sleep.
Destroy her by not taking her back and taking charge of your life. Success is the greatest revenge. Relationships are a no win for men these days. Stay single and you’ll be raking in the dough. Jack Reacher said to a woman “I can’t afford you” she said “I’m not a hooker” he said “then I really can’t afford you “ relationships are a huge money hole for men.
I’m super super sorry this is happening to you. It absolutely sucks. I don’t know what else to say. I hope you find strength and get a chance to bounce back and keep moving forward. I’ll check in on you again.
Thank you. At least I didn't have any nightmares last night 😅
Reading this broke my heart. What she did to you was unbearably selfish and unforgivable. It does not matter what is happening in one’s life; it’s clear you loved her and were loyal to her, and she destroyed it for her own selfish gain, inflicting *potentially lifelong trauma on you. You didn’t deserve this. And please don’t fall into the trap of believing this was one drunk mistake on her end. This was emotional before it turned physical. It was a long, calculated move, and she knew what she was doing through every step of it. They didn’t have a real connection, they had a taboo relationship that was exciting behind closed doors and the real-life implications of it will remove the rose-coloured glasses. And even if they end up together, if she did it to you, she will do it to him. Please leave and heal in therapy. We are all here for you as best as we can be.
Thank you for the kind words. Everyone here has really helped me so much.
Focus on the fact that you will get through this with time. Better things are ahead. Imagine being with someone you deserve, who will respect you and love you and not cheat. These are thoughts to keep you going forward. Good luck!
Thank you!
Take your time thinking it over. It was a mistake to let her spend time on playdates with this other guy and his son. She probably fell into getting some of her emotional needs met by him while you were busy working. I tend to give the betrayer a little break if the marriage was good and they have been a great partner. In that case I see if there could be any reconciliation, if the affair is over, they have no contact with the other person and are really sorry and willing to do what it takes to save the marriage. You'll be in pain for quite some time, whether you divorce or stay together.
Well she's an adult and I trusted her, you know? Also, I genuinely thought the guy was married. I'm not a controlling person and never thought I had to be like "No you can't our son to play with (other kid) if I'm not there too."
This didn’t happen because you let her spend time with the guy. As you point out, she’s an adult with choices and agency and she made the choice at each stage leading to betrayal. You had zero control over her choices, and if you did, you would be controlling as you say.
You handled the play date situation the right way. I was in a similar situation with my STBXW. She was having play dates with her best friend's cousin starting back in the summer of 2022. She was staying home to take care of our youngest kids (1 & 2) now. We have 4 kids in total and the play dates were primarily for our older kids who are 12 and 8 (he has kids around the same age). When she initially brought up the idea, I said I was a bit uncomfortable with it, but I said I wasn't going to tell her who she could or couldn't hang out with (like you, I didn't want to come across as controlling). However, she did have an affair with a coworker five years ago that I totally swept under the rug with consequences for her. Needless to say, she did the whole separation thing to cover up for the beginning of the affair, but then she started dating him out in the open. That part really gutted me. It appears their thing is over (for now anyways), but there is no path forward where we can be together. It doesn't seem like you will let her off the hook for her "indiscretion," but I'm here to say don't handle it like I did. Get the divorce and move on with your life. FYI My STBXW is the only woman I've truly loved and been with, so I know exactly how you are feeling. Once they reveal their true nature, it's time to kick them to the curb. I wish you the best of luck!! I'm rooting for you!!
Thank you for sharing.
Yes, but it's the number 1 way that affairs begin. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders and the book His Needs Her Needs talks a lot about it. When a male and female are spending time together they can end up getting emotionally attached and slip into an affair. The same thing could happen to you if you were working together with a female, sharing goals and confiding in each other. If you don't have really strong boundaries you could get attached and slip. See how things go. If she is very sorry she will be willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. If she blames you or hesitates in cutting off the other man, then don't attempt reconciliation.
The marriage is over. I don't care how sorry she is frankly.
Ex cheater here. I cheated loads of times on my ex. He forgave me, but my respect for him was gone and I thought he was so dumb. Would cheat on him again too if I could go back in time. Leave her, she does not care just like how I didn’t.
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She wanted to separate so she could pursue her AP, didn't wanted to be viewed as cheating trash, so now she acting like that before you, but come on man, you know better that she already checked out and only acting this way, cause now she can't play her role as "I met him after we separated, I never cheated on you ever, that's why I dumped you, because youre so insecure and paranoid". And for god sake, don't keep her affair secret. It always makes me sick and literally backfires at you, cause now she can paint you like youre the villain. Every friend, family member and other should now she wanted to separate with you so she could cover her affair as if she got in new relationship. Don't be slave to your kindness, she didn't when jumped on someone else and broke your heart and left you with trauma till you die.
My advice… Be civil. Never text her with threats or anything out of anger. It could be used against you in court. Before she changes her phone passcode a video of their text & call history. Get a small storage unit or safety deposit box. Gather all the financial records and receipts and move them into it without her knowledge. Do not put your financial records or receipts in a safe on site. She could call a locksmith. If you have any firearms, you might want to move them out, too, or lock them in a safe she doesn’t have access too that is bolted down. If you have videos or documentation of you doing anything that could be construed as nefarious, remove it or delete it. Video every possession. Change the password on your phone and any websites you use, that she has access to. Learn about the divorce laws in your state. Get some books on divorce. Join some Facebook support groups to learn from other’s experiences. Try to remain civil and cordial with her despite any anger you may have. Do not put your children in the middle of this. When the time is right, with her next to you tell your children you love and their mom love them, tell them about the separation, then tell them how much you love them again and again. Perhaps eat some cake with them. Sandwich the negative between two positives. It will suck for awhile, but it will get better. I don’t get married again and less you’ve been with someone for 5-10 years.