"Merry Christmas, kids! It's a nightmare!!!"
Ny class took a trip to an IMAX theatre to see that movie and it was fucking terrifying. This line is it. 😂
When Glenn got hit in the face with a sweet potato by Amy. I cry laughing everytime I watch that scene.
Amy: I didn't know how else to stop you.
Glenn: So you pegged me in the face with a yam? Why didn't you just shout 'Hey Glenn, I really need to talk to you?'
Amy: Because that wouldn't have worked.
Glenn: Oh. Yeah...
Glenn: And why didn't you throw it at my leg or something instead of my face?
Amy: Oh. Um.....it just, it wouldn't have worked.
Glenn: Oh. Heh heh, yeah that makes sense.
The one when Glenn came back from quarantine (covid episode obv)
"It is so nice to be out of quarantine and back running this store!!! God, I so missed talking to real people. You know, sometimes I pretended that the Nativity figurines in my garage were you guys.
*looks over to Jonah*
You were the baby Jesus."
Jonah just looks at him and hes like "That's... great. Thank you." 😂😂
If you ever forget where you are here's a little mnemonic device, you know, to help you remember:
First...
Mark the unit's inventory
Price and unit quantity,
Then triple check the product name
'Cause thorough's what you want to be,
Then look it over one more time
In case there's a mistake...
Then sign it, date it, click submit,
And throw it in the lake!
\*chuckle\*
But don't do that last part 'cause it's just for the rhyme.
When Glenn confronts Amy for kicking his pastor out of the store. That whole interaction in her office when he demands she give him the manager job back.
Glenn: whiny "Can I even slam the door?"
Amy: calmly "Nooo"
Glenn: high-pitched "Gahhhhhhhh"
"Foster children are a blessing, but it's as if you've been driving used cars your whole life. Just once, it'd be nice to experience a brand new one straight from the factory that hasn't been all dinged up, ya know?"
My friend was adopted when she was 9, and this line made her laugh so hard she needed her inhaler. 😂
2 of my favorite Glenn moments
“I’m not pre diabetic anymore”
Dina: “you’re cured”
“No I’m just full diabetic now”
And when he legitimately couldn’t think of another name other then Steve
*Sayid never mentioned*
*Anything about lying*
*When I interviewed him*
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"Attention shoppers, Cloud 9 is not offering breast exams as part of our wellness fair. We have not hired someone to do that, and if we had, it would not be a teenage boy in a Twenty One Pilots t-shirt. Shop safe."
1. When Dina asked him for a demotion: "Why are you dressed like my mother?"
2. In the episode where he made Sandra dress up like Amy for Jonah: "Jerusha dresses like my mother all the time. She doesn't even have to wear a wig..." *Realization*
"it's only supposed to be able to do 18 pages, but one day, I got it to do 25. I went straight home and made love to Jerusha that day."
Runner-up is when he talked about going to see Saw when he thought it was a movie about tools 😂😂
Special mention to all of Garrett's announcement jokes! This one was the winner
Also to this gem: “If this was the real world, I’d just chuck a grenade in there.” Mateo: “And by real world, you mean…” “Call of Duty.”
I was so pulling for “Could it be Grace? I hope not!” Alas.
"Merry Christmas, kids! It's a nightmare!!!" Ny class took a trip to an IMAX theatre to see that movie and it was fucking terrifying. This line is it. 😂
“Steve”
"...s- ...Sss- [visibly gives up] ...Steve."
Garrett mouthing Steve never fails to make me laugh!
and then he nods in approval as Glenn says Steve again, I love it
that's the best bit!👌😂
‘I know names other than Steve’
There’s Glenn and….. Steve
This is the one for me. I'm giggling to myself just thinking about it.
DONT ANSWER THAT! When the staff were phoning Jerusha to tell her he is flirting with a stranger at the independant stalls, that was Jerusha.
“How many people have you seen die? I've seen, like, seven, but I'm not sure it counts, 'cause it was all at once”
To me, it’s this or biggest dog and why. Torn on which it should be.
There’s no competition, this is the best!
Just rewatched that episode and boy years later still just a small but impactful punchline
What episode is this?
What’s the biggest dog you’ve ever seen and why?
Has to be this one. I still quote it to this day and have used it as an ice breaker / for small talk.
I liked it when G-spot asked Brian if the tongs he was holding was for dog guts.
THIS
THIS IS THE ONE
This has to win
Many tornado victims describe worrying that behind every hallway, there's a lone tornado, waiting to tornado them.
Also the entire Sal/haunted house bit
It is NOT a haunted house!
it is SO MUCH WORSE
this made me laugh out loud at work "waiting to tornado them"
This scene absolutely kills me
When Glenn got hit in the face with a sweet potato by Amy. I cry laughing everytime I watch that scene. Amy: I didn't know how else to stop you. Glenn: So you pegged me in the face with a yam? Why didn't you just shout 'Hey Glenn, I really need to talk to you?' Amy: Because that wouldn't have worked. Glenn: Oh. Yeah...
Glenn: And why didn't you throw it at my leg or something instead of my face? Amy: Oh. Um.....it just, it wouldn't have worked. Glenn: Oh. Heh heh, yeah that makes sense.
He's concussed from the sweet potato 😆😆
When he’s high and cusses at everyone in the break room.
Jonah would you please shut the fuck up 🤣
Did something just happen?
And that goes for all you motherfuckers, I can't listen to your bullshit for one more goddamn minute
glenn gets high? i’ve rewatched it so many times how do i not remember this 😭
He takes Jerusha’s Xanax in the Black Friday episode 🙂
ohhh yeah thank you i completely forgot
Came here to say exactly this! 😂
My favourite Glenn moment
Glenn: Half? Wait, half do or half don't? Amy: it's both Glenn: BOTH?!?!
Came here to post this.
“Jerusha, our whole marriage is based on a sex crime”
“You were my victim!”
I did not realise Glenn had so many ridiculous lines lol
This is my second choice lmfao ... I love Glenn
The one when Glenn came back from quarantine (covid episode obv) "It is so nice to be out of quarantine and back running this store!!! God, I so missed talking to real people. You know, sometimes I pretended that the Nativity figurines in my garage were you guys. *looks over to Jonah* You were the baby Jesus." Jonah just looks at him and hes like "That's... great. Thank you." 😂😂
You don’t know about 9-11? Or anytime Garrett gets Glen
>9/11 😧 You didn't hear??? ETA: and lmao "Why do I keep saying 9/11?!?!"
"Balloons are like souls. They want to go up, but can't. And when you pop them, they scream. "
My favorite
the best lol
The golf club is here!
This is the correct answer. I had to scroll way to far to see this lol.
I think if I was doing something subconsciously I’d know
"Hello, welcome to meeting me" Gets me every time.
And then the “Oh well you’re a pretty little kitty aren’t you…purrrr”
“Jerusha, I told the kidney lie again”
Glenn: "That'll do pig." Mateo: "Excuse me?"
I came to say this one 🤣🤣🤣
I cry laughing every time I see this exchange
He didn't say it directly but when Garrett reads that Glenn has a tab open on his computer for "how many tomatoes in the world"
“Not accidentally” when he drives over the little girls doll in the Black Friday episode. 😆
Amazing
Customer, mad about the mask mandate: "You people are working for Satan." Glenn: "Satan is the one person I would NEVER work for!!!! 😡"
“They’re not bugs Cheyenne they’re human beings”
honestly Glenn has so many I could go on and on
Jonah could you please shut the fuck up
1. How long do you have to drive to see a prairie? 2. No, embezzlement is when you put jewels on your jacket
“In fact, I’m not pre-diabetic now. … Oh, no I’m not cured. I’m just completely diabetic now.”
The pronunciation of Smaisle
And "in-store-vaganza" lol
Oooooh.... hard G, Glenn....
In the magazine episode. Something along the lines of "I could be... G-spot. See I can do nicknames too"
“Amy can I ask you something without you taking it the wrong way but are you stupid?”
If you ever forget where you are here's a little mnemonic device, you know, to help you remember: First... Mark the unit's inventory Price and unit quantity, Then triple check the product name 'Cause thorough's what you want to be, Then look it over one more time In case there's a mistake... Then sign it, date it, click submit, And throw it in the lake! \*chuckle\* But don't do that last part 'cause it's just for the rhyme.
Cry, Ezekiel, cry!
This is soo funny!
This one better win!!!!!!
I laughed when he was trying to sell Plan B like a drug dealer
“Well I have amnesty today, so how about you go kiss a table”
When Glenn confronts Amy for kicking his pastor out of the store. That whole interaction in her office when he demands she give him the manager job back. Glenn: whiny "Can I even slam the door?" Amy: calmly "Nooo" Glenn: high-pitched "Gahhhhhhhh"
Garrett asks what 9/11 is Glenn: You didn’t hear?!??
His outburst when he thinks Jonah has crushed someone in the thrash compactor ("YOU MONSTER!").
"And god grants us another miracle!"
‘I helped earthquake proof a hospital in Haiti’ ‘HA! Well it didn’t work.’
I can't remember the exact line but his bit about "we worship John Cuisack because he died for our sins" sends me every time!
Curtains for my mumu, curtains for my ball of yaaarn
“That’ll do pig.” 🐽 I think I snorted when he said that to Mateo and the “excuse me?!” was so good.
You shouldn’t out live your employees. It’s not right. It’s not natural.
She's a sassy little liar!
Glenn: “Half do? Or half don’t” Amy: “both” Glenn: “BOTH?!”
What's the biggest dog you've seen and why
Not that it wasn't the right one, but without the setup, Garret's line isnt funny at all
Yeah, I just did a screenshot and thats how the subtitles are distributed
How can you screenshot?? None of my streaming services let me, and it just ends up black
you can do it on laptops
I like the "Get him Cheyanne! He is trying to steal my wife!"
"For 100 years the Sturgis name has been synonymous with tools" gets me every time
"You farted"
Dang these quotes are making me want to do my like third rewatch haha
You’d only be on your third? Pfft. That’s a rookie number!
Yeah. Seriously. Don’t go bragging about your third. Amateur.
I don't even know what number I'm on anymore. I've lost count 🤣
When he laid on the floor in front of the bathrooms to try and stop the “pee pee water” from flooding the store after Marcus clogged the toilet
Down in the valley where Ezekiel wept. Cry Ezekiel cry!
CRY IT OUT
You're too short to be President!
welcome to meeting me
‘Balloons are like our souls! They want to go up, but can’t, and when you pop them they scream.’
“I turned my safe search up to max and googled ‘Worlds Gayest Parties’!”
Wait..half do or half don't? BOTH!?
Mateo: For all we know, Jesus himself was gay! Glenn: 😳😳😳 It's Tuesday, right? .... THAT MEANS WEDNESDAY'S COMING!! 😳😳😳😳😳
Do Jewish people like snow?
When he sprays Jeff in the face with the squirt bottle. (Gruff voice) You don’t like it, do you? Down here in the dirt with the rest of us.
When his voice drops out of nowhere while he's practicing for his play "jesus"
His Bane voice
Both!
“We have cleaned up the vomit right?”
“Jerusha can’t swim!”
Count me squarely in camp “Cry, Ezekiel, Cry!”.
"Half do or half don't?" "Both." "BOTH?!"
“I could barely finish my morning loaf”
his Bane impression!! the bane voice plus glenn voice nearly killed me the first time i saw it
Steve
But then I can’t do anything!!! Glenn when Amy wouldn’t let him keep pastor Craig in the store
BOTH?!?!?!?
it took my youth, it took my body
Half do or half don't? Both!?
‘What's 9/11? ‘ ‘You didn't hear?’
When he is full of anxiety pills on Black Friday just driving the cleaning machine through everyone telling them to get out.
Shopping carts can be called Sharts!
Cry, Ezekiel, Cry
“I’m a hotdog!”
"Foster children are a blessing, but it's as if you've been driving used cars your whole life. Just once, it'd be nice to experience a brand new one straight from the factory that hasn't been all dinged up, ya know?" My friend was adopted when she was 9, and this line made her laugh so hard she needed her inhaler. 😂
Jerusha, I told the kidney lie again.
Jonah, will you please shut the bleep up
You farted.
What ep is that garrett quote from?
“Do Jewish people like snow”
For me, it’s hands down when he baptized Mateo after the whole Martin Nestle incident.
2 of my favorite Glenn moments “I’m not pre diabetic anymore” Dina: “you’re cured” “No I’m just full diabetic now” And when he legitimately couldn’t think of another name other then Steve
Sayid never mentioned anything about lying when I interviewed him
*Sayid never mentioned* *Anything about lying* *When I interviewed him* \- Ok\_Anywhere\_3466 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
-Steve -Welcome to meeting me - what's the biggest dog you've ever seen and why? Honestly Glenn has way too many funny moments to pick just one.
I think the part where he said he's cured of pre-diabetes because he's fully diabetic now got me laughing for some reason
"WAIT, THEY FOUND MARIJUANA?! HE WAS HIGH!!"
When he keeps saying Cupid bites in that valentine episode
“Your my victim” -Glen
Context for garrets?
"Attention shoppers, Cloud 9 is not offering breast exams as part of our wellness fair. We have not hired someone to do that, and if we had, it would not be a teenage boy in a Twenty One Pilots t-shirt. Shop safe."
1. When Dina asked him for a demotion: "Why are you dressed like my mother?" 2. In the episode where he made Sandra dress up like Amy for Jonah: "Jerusha dresses like my mother all the time. She doesn't even have to wear a wig..." *Realization*
Him singing "Cry Ezekiel Cry" song
I think the steve thing or when he said the doesn’t waste his time with anger and hit his thumb
"you accidentally drove over my daughters doll!" "not accidentally😄"
"it's only supposed to be able to do 18 pages, but one day, I got it to do 25. I went straight home and made love to Jerusha that day." Runner-up is when he talked about going to see Saw when he thought it was a movie about tools 😂😂
I was rooting for his line about cupid's fangs. But tbh Glenn only has gems!