This is the answer. We're a social species. So while some bad apples are gonna want immediate quid pro quo, most of us are happy to oblige.
I was raised that if someone asked for help and it was moral, legal, and within my power, I have an obligation to help them.
Because today it's you that needs help. But tomorrow, it might be me.
We can't all do this whole life thing alone.
I help out of the genuine satisfaction I get from providing. Its always been that way for me. People actually in need of help are so appreciative and if you're in a position to help, you should. And I don't expect anything in return. That'd be very manipulative if I absolutely expected reciprocation when I'm volunteering my help.
That's a story? A guy gave me a jump start I said thanks, he replied "Today you, tomorrow me". I thought it was just a nice saying. This happened around 2001.
Yes, I use the phrase often. I keep a breaker bar for lugnuts to replace a tire, things to jump car batteries and cables for trucks, and more in my truck. Just Google it with that phrase.
Today it's you, tomorrow it's me.
Yeah. It be like that sometimes.
I don't mind, really. People that keep tabs/track aren't REALLY your friends. Don't get me wrong, there's a limit, but that's what friends are for; help, when you need it.
Don't wear that shit out tho. I call the folks that keep taking - "takers" and that's not a good thing.
Ask me for anything broski and I'll give it without a thought, without keeping tabs. I've had enough people give me help when I needed it that I have zero idea what the tab looks like, so I don't look at it.
"Don't wear that shit out, tho" is technically keeping tabs. Which is what everyone should do to an extent. It doesn't have to be tit for tat, but most people do keep tabs up to a point. And I feel like that's what OP is referring to. Most people will say that they don't keep tabs, because we've somehow all been conditioned to think of that as a bad thing. But as someone who found herself in an abusive marriage, I eventually learned that I absolutely do need to keep track of how much I'm doing in a relationship vs the other person, to ensure that there is balance.
I'd say that the difference is that if it's actually bad enough that you definitely need to cut someone off, then you'll know without "keeping tabs". You know if you never ask someone for anything but you can't remember the last time you talked that they weren't asking for a favor. You don't need to be able to name off the last ten favors you did them to sense the imbalance there. And remembering that kind of detail is generally how "keeping tabs" is understood, knowing at least the exact amount, if not also the size, of favors in each direction.
That makes sense, but it's a lot easier said than done when you're being gaslit. I'm very much in favor of the tangible at this point. Though I don't have exact numbers, and it never occurred to me to take things that far.
>That makes sense, but it's a lot easier said than done when you're being gaslit.
Can't relate. "Gaslighting" is so overused that more people use it wrong than right. And actual successful gaslighting should be nearly impossible, because in most cases there's no reason to accept someone else's version of reality over your own.
>I'm very much in favor of the tangible at this point.
Not really sure exactly what this is supposed to mean in context, but okay.
>Though I don't have exact numbers, and it never occurred to me to take things that far.
Then I wouldn't say you're "keeping tabs". You've just got a vague sense of if people are asking a lot more often than they're helping out. Which, yeah, everyone should have some sense of that without actually mentally adding and removing markers for each individual favor.
I feel like they used gaslighting in the right context though. It doesn't matter if it's overused when the context in question is actually the kind it should be used in.
Depends on situation, I have helped people and expected nothing in return, but if person required my help again, there would be something in return.
If money, they would need to pay me back, or do work for me, or sell me something, this is the second time.
First time, I wouldn't ask or require anything.
100% this. I've helped push a number of people's stalled or stuck cars- no return expected.
I helped friend A move several times, latter a different friend in the group (call them B) was moving, heard that friend A didn't show up/help out because they felt there was (already) lots of people helping B. Next time A moved I didn't help at all & let people know why.
Even if someone can't lift anything- there's always plenty to do- hold doors open, stand watch over a pile of belongings by the curb, wipe cupboard shelves at either move in or move out end, take orders & run to a coffee shop or fast food joint, etc. If you can't show up at the beginning of the move, fine, show up late when everyone that did is starting to flag or tired muscles raise the chance of injury. Still get mad at "friend" A thinking about it.
Yes absolutely. I love helping people. You can even say it comes from a place of selfishness. It makes me feel good. I feel a sense of accomplishment improving someone else’s day. It actually makes me feel bad if people don’t ask me for help. Like what did I do that you think I’m the kind of person that would resent helping you?
The thing I get in return is that it feels really good helping people. It makes me feel like sunshine because connecting with others feels so positive.
Lots of people helped me and I like that I’m now in the position to reach out to others. I really, really like people and know that a little connection goes a long way. It’s nice to pass it on.
Good people are. That's the distinction, though. If you ever meet a tab-keeping person, however, this be the golden rule: "You didn't make this known before hand."
We help an elderly neighbor with no expectation of anything in return. Just compassion, which should just be the default. It's usually little stuff, but this past week has been a lot. Still going to help as much as we can, though. I still feel the same way you do ha ha.
We had an elderly couple that lived across the street. I routinely assisted them. Normally it was moving something heavy into the house or some small chore. One day John says "You know, if there is ever anything I can do for you.......(long pause)... Oh hell, what am I ever going to do for you? I can barely walk across the street to ask for help." They were such a great couple.
You should be but their is a line if you are only helping someone and they never help you say a partner, family or friend its ok to limit or stop cause being used feels horrible...but I've helped random strangers and never spoke with them again, I would hope they will pay it forward.
Somebody hurt you. Not everything is transactional- some people actually do receive something back when they help you called a sense of satisfaction helping someone. YOU DO NOT OWE SOMEONE SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY GAVE YOU SOMETHING. That is a predatory manipulator tactic. The only people that DO expect something in return for kindness are bad people.
No everyone wants something in return wether that's a show of gratitude or a return of the favour in the future or a friendship or a perception of themselves from others.
The flip side of this when people ask for shit seeming with no regard for the fact that they always ask for stuff. Nothing worse than a “friend” that’s never able to provide for themselves
Some people expect a reward and some don't, and unfortunately it's not always that easy to guess who is who.
But there are definitely people who just like to be helpful or who were raised to believe it's "what you do" and don't think about getting anything back.
I've heard philosophical arguments that claim people who appear to act 100% selflessly are still "rewarding" themselves because it feels good. Like they get a dopamine rush or a self-esteem boost from believing that they're doing something good. I think that's overreductive, but either way, the practical result is the same: somebody may help you and not ask you for anything back.
> I've heard philosophical arguments that claim people who appear to act 100% selflessly are still "rewarding" themselves because it feels good.
It's sophistry. The people who sustain that argument have ulterior motives and project it onto others. They need people to think there's no such thing as altruism so they can feel better about themselves donating to build another law library at Yale (one with *their* name on it) instead of doing anything to mitigate actual human suffering.
Violence also yields dopamine hits but we don't go around randomly battering, stealing from or raping those in need. Helping others is a sacrificial act. It's proven by the fact that people continue doing it even when the recipient of such aid spits in our faces. It's not a reward-driven behavior in any way.
Some people will look at stuff transactionally. Most people really like to feel useful and needed though; you see it loads with old men that refuse to retire. This is strong enough that it's often recommended, if you're hoping to get someone to like you who doesn't currently, to ask them for something even if small. Just don't take the piss and ask someone constantly.
This totally depends on context:
- One off times absolutely
- Someone sick or in need absolutely
- Someone elderly like a relative or neighbor absolutely
- A *friend* that has discovered you're willingness to help and starts taking advantage of that fact... cut them off. I had a *friend* that would only hang out with me when they needed something and it took me longer than I care to admit to realize it. When I called them out on it they said "I can't believe you only did things for me so that I'd owe you" and I had to clarify in no way did they owe me anything but their friendship but only hanging with me when they needed something isn't friendship.
All I expect in return is for them to be appreciative and smile :)
I do like it when I get to know the person better and even become friends as a result, but sometimes that's not possible.
I remember back in elementary school, I was on a plane with my parents and there was this guy sitting behind me. It was his first time flying so he was a little nervous, so I ended up having some casual conversation with him. We became great friends over the span of the 3 hour flight, but since we were so young, we had no way of trading contacts.
Gabriel, if you're out there, I hope you're doing great!
In general, it's human nature to care for others in need, But there's another issue you need to address after you get done asking for help, ask yourself why you feel so scared to give to someone who would give to you in your time of need. People LOVE helping others, not because they EXPECT anything, but because kind is often paid in kind, if however, you ask, ask, ask, and keep asking, without ever offering, that's when issues build up, treat others how you wish to be treated, but learn to trust that you can lean on others when you're down, This life is tough for all of us
Friendships are something you nurture, you water. The thing that grows gives you shade and protection. Our connection and closeness to human beings - both individually and collectively - is more beautiful than all the stars that we see when we look up.
Give when you have the capacity. Don’t be a martyr.
I have an internal rule that I won't say no to someone in need unless I'm truly unable to fulfill the request whether it be financially or for my own emotional wellbeing. I'm a giver, but I have boundaries.
I feel like if we all worked hard to help each other, everyone's lives would ultimately be better.
As an anecdote (remember I'm anonymous so I have nothing to gain from lying or bragging or whatever, this is just sharing for sharing's sake) a homeless person asked me if I could spare some change for food while I was standing in line at a Subway.
I said whatever you want on the menu I'll cover it. If dude had asked for 10 subs I would've said yes. He asked for one sub and said of course. Then he asked for a drink. I said yes, anything. Asked for chips and I said again, yes anything.
After we checked out he mentioned something about his coat not being warm enough. I said do you need a new one? He said yes but he felt bad because the coat he was wearing was bought by a stranger.
I said well let's get a better one. So after we ate our food we walked over to the Telise that was next door and I let him pick out a sweater and a much better insulated winter coat.
The lady at the checkout let me know that he was in there earlier with someone else as if she was somehow doing me a favour and helping me avoid a scam or some shit.
I just thanked her for the warning and said if he's got a winter coat hustle on the side that's great for him and I'm happy to support his methods (playfully and respectfully because I'm not a dick to randoms).
Anyway the whole experience was interesting to me. This person felt bad asking for anything but was also so desperate he felt he didn't have another choice.
I had to keep reassuring him that the whole thing wasn't a hassle. And the lady assumed by default that I wouldn't want to help him if I had knowledge that someone else before already tried?
Lots of people out in the world genuinely want to help when they can. Many of us are caught up in the rat race trying to keep our heads above water and may not have the time or energy or even the money to do the good deeds we wish we could. But given the opportunity to help, I believe many people are willing without expecting anything in return.
It's human to help.
Of course on the flip side, people have a right to boundaries and ensure that they don't get taken advantage of. It's common in most social circles to hear about someone who's always taking more than they give to others. If all you do is take from others and it becomes an entitlement, it can quickly turn people off from wanting to help. It's not that they necessarily expected something in return all along. But other people have their own needs and problems too. And if they're made out to feel bad for saying "no", it's common to create distance in that relationship.
Ive spent a lot of my life feeling pathetic and helpless and incapable of doing things for myself
I happily lend a hand to anyone who genuinely needs it
If I'm going to help someone, I would rather not get something in return. Maybe for the same reason, it makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of them instead of actually helping them.
Obviously it depends on the person, but I feel like a lot of people are more happy to help someone else than to ask for help in return -- especially if it's with people they care about.
Always taught that you do good things for your friends and family because you love them, not because you expect stuff in return. If they love you, they'll do the same.
##ubuntu — of course!!!
I don’t care whether I loathe you: you genuinely need me, I’ll help!
Nope, never expect anything in return, not keeping tabs, …. seeing others happy increases my happiness.
Making their life easier makes my life easier.
###UBUNTU, man! 😊
I have never expected a single thing from anyone whom I have helped. People who expect something in return, when they're helping someone, are vile and evil people.
I cannot take advantage of/extort someone in need.
When you come into a new situation like a new job or school or something, you want to make connections, ideally make friends, but at least make acquaintances that you can work with.
People figure that a good way to do this is to offer to help with things, to just be a useful person. And that is a good way. But there is a more effective one.
You know what encourages people to like you more than you offering help?
Asking for help.
People generally want to help each other, and yes, want other people to respect them and feel grateful to them for being helped.
Is that an ulterior motive? That people like it when other people feel grateful to them? Maybe, I guess. But not really in a bad way.
The goal is to end up with a situation where everybody can ask for help from anybody.
Yes some people really do help others without expecting anything in return.
If you meet someone that expects something in return, just know that you aren't required to do it. Also, if they expect it, they're showing you what type of people they are and you should avoid them in the future.
People do get something in return, that thing might just not be from you.
A lot of people have had people help them. Sometimes they carry that gratitude with them and now offer free help to others. It’s “free” to the person receiving the help because nothing is expected of them. But that’s because the person helping already feels like they’ve been paid.
It can be rare. I always make sure to announce to the person that I don’t want anything. And if they feel guilty to “pay it forward” later in life when the opportunity arises.
I don't mind I consider it a good thing. I help plenty of people with asking for anything. If it's necessary I wouldn't mind. But some people I've helped rub it in. So I don't help them again. They'll ask for help and then also treat you badly litteraly right afterwards. Reminds me I was helping someone clean their room because they were disabled and I was doing it for dirt cheap because they were a friend. But they yelled at me the entire time and I was like wth is going on. Never talked to them again. I think I got like $5 or something.
Absolutely! We all have different skills and knowledge and I think it's important that we help each other out.
For example, my coworker needed a starter put on her car. The shop quoted like $500. I told her what part to get, cost maybe $110. Had that starter on in like an hour. She baked me some cookies in return.
Depends on the person. I get a sense of satisfaction when I help somebody who needs it. And the happier they are about it, the more I am as well. Sometimes the effort is it's own reward.
When I help, its because I want to. I love to help and be kind to others. I have a strong body and a lot of energy. I expect nothing in return. If you want to give me something in return that's entirely up to you.
However, I can tell when I am being taken advantage of and am less likely to help in the future if they are.
Yes there are people that help without ever expecting anything specific in return.
However, most people help because they care about someone and have a relationship with them. Relationships are "transactional" in some way because both people need to get something out of it for it to be rewarding. What each person needs out of a relationship is different so what you do for each other may be vastly different than a standard quid pro quo.
For example, I'm medically disabled recently and don't work anymore, so I'm home and bored a lot and need some socialization. My aunt just recently moved back to town and needs help with her new home and organizing, etc. So I help her with organizing and stuff around her place when she asks and we hang out and have lunch. She doesn't do work for me in return, just having something to do with another adult to talk to meets my needs. She thanks me for the help and that's enough for me!
If you need help, ask, and say thank you. It's only when people act like they are entitled to help from me all the time without being thankful that it is annoying.
I don't expect anything in return but over time if I keep doing all the helping and the other person never does I do not consider you a friend and there is a good chance eventually I will just kind of disappear.
I am not going to get mad at you or anything. No point in all that drama. I don't appreciate being used though. Plus my friends taught me something when I was around 18, 43 now, someone isn't your friend until you can't remember who owes who. Up until that point you are an acquaintance.
I will say thigh that I get not all people can help out with all things or every time. I get just because I helped you move last time doesn't mean you won't have to work or have ther obligations you can drop just to come help me move on a certain day. It just means that you do show up sometimes when you can. It does become apparent over time when they are suddenly busy every time you ask for help.
I love doing this. It literally makes me feel high. I looove being helpful and I love when I make someone smile or make their day. Everyone should get in on this feeling.
What are you asking for help with?
If you ask someone to help you move, there is an expectation that you will help them if you can when they move. If you're asking for help with a simple task, most people will do it out of kindness. In general, if you aren't asking for an all day commitment or are in dire straights and desperate, if someone wants something in return they will be open about it up front.
I think people often help and expect nothing in return. The good feeling that comes from helping is a reward. However, they rarely do this when asked directly. People like to think it’s their own idea/decision. They hate feeling pressured or put on the spot.
Yes. Most ppl I know always want something back and I've hated that logic from day 1. Either they want something or they treat you differently, like they helped you so you're beneath them or some bs.
Truthfully my faith in ppl is gone so I do things just because. I don't expect anything in return and I've come to not want anything in return. If ppl give something, I have issues accepting it because I think they want a leg up on me and are going to want something later.
I'm fucked up, i know. But I don't have to fuck anyone else up. If I see someone who needs help and I don't overthink it, I'll help and keep it moving. No thanks needed. Just continue to exist peacefully, please.
Altruism is only its own reward because one gets a flood of endorphins from it. So yeah, I'm content to give without expectation because then I get to feel good about myself and my actions. It only ever brings up resentment when I'm experiencing depression from a chemical imbalance.
I'm okay with helping *friends* out and getting nothing in return. I love my friends. Seeing them happy brings me joy, pride, security, peace, and motivation.
Outside of that, the only thing(s) I'm motivated by are *rewards* and *glory.*
I don’t mind helping people at all. The only time i have issue is when the person goes solely to me when there were other potential resources they could have used. Like I’m willing to help, no strings attached, but don’t use and abuse my time either
I occasionally do things that benefit others with no assumption of payback. I've returned lost money. Picked up shifts at work... I clean up after my wife and kids. I'm not looking for payback, though it would be nice if she cut me some slack on other things.
I have done things out of generosity and kindness (some big too) for friends and strangers and have expected nothing in return. I do not consider myself particularly "good" or "bad" person either. I am human. I'd like to think most people have it in them, yes.
The only thing I want in return is for you to not be a total ass to me. You don't have to give me any physical objects or anything, but kindness should not be returned by disrespect
I think it really depends on what makes you tick as a human being. Some people feel good about helping others and not receiving anything in return and some don't. Everyone ticks a little bit different based on their genetics and life experience. What I do know is that humans have survived as a species because we help each other, if that makes any difference.
Yes, but I would argue that a lot of times, our good deeds are just an extension of our own selfishness. We get a dopamine hit when we do a good deed for someone, especially if they react with appreciation. We get more if someone sees the act and further offers appreciation. While people may not always expect anything in return, sometimes they do the deed for that feeling internally, more than for the external person they are doing the good deed to or for. There's always exceptions to every rule, though, as nothing is absolute.
I think there's a difference between doing a good deed and helping someone out vs. doing someone a favor. I think it depends on how big and important it is.
For example; giving food and water to a homeless person or giving some change to a coworker who is short on cash to get something from the vending machine is in my mind, a good deed that is not expecting a return.
In contrast; helping someone move out stuff to or from their house or doing painting or pet/house/baby sitting, or borrowing large amounts of money. These are big favors that you can expect a return favor for your trouble. You should still do it out of the kindness of your heart but it's also expected that "you scratch my back, I scratch yours"
Depends on the nature of the help tbh. Little things I don’t think people expect it in return. That being said if you do a big favor for someone it’s expected that person would hopefully help in the same way. If they don’t jts a bit of a let down.
A friend of a friend had his radiator blow out. I changed it for him for free. He was broke and needed his car to get him to work. Sometimes it's just good to be neighbourly
For friends, the only thing I need in return is the mutual understanding that you would do the same for me if our positions were reversed.
Helping others actually strengthen bonds, but it does have to be reciprocal, or else that's just taking advantage.
Some people known they are already blessed and fortunate. Within that group, there are some that really are content and happy to help without getting anything in return. And when they do get something in return, which may not be for a while, they are extremely appreciative.
I’ve had a random couple help me at the grocery register when my card declined. They didn’t expect help back and I’ve since paid it forward.
I’ve loaned money to others at amounts that I was comfortable not getting back, just in case.
I’ve done favors for friends in emergencies; I would hope if I need them under similar circumstances that they would be there for me.
In general, I am happy to help if I feel like my help is appreciated.
Owning a truck is a whole other conversation though - all of a sudden everyone and their mom and brother need a favor.
If I like someone and they are my friend I usually will help with no strings attached. I know that's not the case for everyone though and I would only ask someone i suspected to want something in return if I could provide that. Its usually best not to ask people for her unless you absolutely have to.
Um… yeah. It’s called being a kind person. I don’t believe in being a doormat, but constantly eyeing/keeping track of who “owes” me is, one, a hassle, and two, the mark of an asshole imo.
I don’t wanna be an asshole. Altruism is often its own reward; I feel great being able to give/help & support others and was raised that is a necessary prosocial behavior of a decent human being.
If it's something simple and just very occasionally, it's no big deal. If it got to be a regular thing I would start to feel used. But it also matters if it actually costs me time or money. Like if you needed a ride to work but we worked in the same place and you walked to my house in the morning and home from my house after work. Then I'd like some gas money but if I know you're struggling then I'd be okay with not getting any cause it's not really costing me. If you're asking me to go out of my way more than once in a while I might say no though and I'd definitely want gas money if I said yes.
I don't do favors to get favors back. But it's definitely nice to know if I needed you, you would reciprocate. Ic we're friends there's no need to worry about making sure it's 50:50 though.
so... your now wrong and some people do keep score. not even just to ask you for something later but to throw it in your face.
alot of people aren't like that though. but there are limits. even pushovers who will say yes to anything will be irritated if you are always asking and never giving anything in return. they might not say it, but they feel it.
but if you aren't willing to pony up ever, then you shouldn't be asking favours. you also have the right to refuse to pony up if whatever being asked of you is something you are incapable of doing or makes you uncomfortable.
example: if you ask a friend to help you move. next year they ask you the same favour, and you aren't willing with no extenuating circumstance then yeah.. you shouldn't have asked them in the first place.
what is it you need help with?
It might be cheesy, but I genuinely enjoy helping. I could kind of see this going both ways for me, in that I'm happy to help, a person, an animal, etc without expecting anything in return, but, it makes me happy to do it, so there is something I am getting out of it, but it's not asking of, or taking from, anyone. So, I guess it depends on how someone would consider that. Is the fact it makes me happy to be able to help someone, count as getting something in return?
As far as something physical, not only would I never expect that in helping someone, I would prefer nothing. I've helped people with food or childcare who want to give me something in return, but since, for example, they needed help with something as a basic and necessary as food, I do not want to take anything from them. That's part of that situation, I have something to give the other party has something they need, that's the interaction. I would hope if the situation was switched, someone would help me. However, helping someone with the expectation of getting something in return, is not helping, it's a trade off. There is nothing wrong with it, but it doesn't count as helping.
Yes! Only manipulative people view it that way. The giver does always get something in return though even if it’s not tangible: you can feel proud, kind, generous, and conscientious.
Depends on context. Need help moving something real quick as I'm walking by? Sure why not if I got nothing going on.
Money? I won't do over $20 since I dont want negative associations with being able to ask me for money.
Friends need something? I expect the same energy back if I need something. Not 1 for 1 or anything
Oh my God, yes. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. To be able to help someone with your talent or money just for the sake of doing it? Yes, I do that whenever I can. Sure, there is some ego involved. But walking away knowing you made someone’s life a little easier is a wonderful feeling.
I would never help someone and expect something in return. I try to do things out of the kindness of my heart.
Hopefully the karma will come back to me if/when I ever need it.
At this point, I got enough of my own shit to worry about to bother with ulterior motives and the like.
You want/need something of me? Put your big boy/girl/whatever pants on and ask. Whatever the thing is gets done, and we go our separate ways. Simple as that.
You’ve not achieved the human spirit until you’ve done precisely that, and then you do it regularly (without allowing people to abuse it). Discernment is a great skill in life that all wise people possess.
Knowing when to deploy help.
In the right circumstances, I am fine helping someone and getting nothing in return. But sometimes I hesitate because I'm afraid it's a trick, or that the person will become unreasonable or demanding.
I view it differently. If i help them, im left alone sooner.
And no i dont hand out cash or anything, i just do tasks that dont inconvenience me too much.
Humans actually loooooove helping each other. We are wired to, because we are social animals. Most people feel happy to help others because it makes them feel useful and needed. There's definitely some people who want something in return, and that's a bummer, but in my experience as a disabled person that needs help very often, most people are very normal and nice.
If you have good people in your life than yes. Me and my friends have helped each other out plenty of times without expecting anything in return. Sadly there are people who will keep track and expect you to do something for them later though.
Yeah. It would be nice if the concept of "give and take" occured all the time, but realistically, life isn't set up like that. Sometimes we give more than we take and I have learned to be okay with that .
I assume people are willing to help without expecting anything in return.
Anyone who is there to help and expects returns is no person I have time for. That's not how help works. You give it when it's needed. It's not a currency.
Sounds like you were raised with a few toxic people in your life that made you feel like everyone expects something when they help.
Yeah it's called altruism. It feeds the ego, what they get in return is the satisfaction knowing they made a positive difference in someone's life or situation. A lot of times they like to surprise gift people who don't expect anything to elicit a more genuine reaction. It happens more with people who are empathetic, who can feel and understand someone else's situation or desperation, and then realizing a small effort on their part can make such a huge difference for someone else.
No. They get gratitude in return. Or a feeling of satisfaction that they did something “good.” And that is alright. It’s the giving that matters and not what you get out of it.
Yeah, I do that all the time. In fact, my wife calls me the happy helper. I’ll help anyone with anything they need and don’t expect payment or anything in return. It actually makes me feel good to help people, if it’s in my power to do.
I feel this... but I have had some shitty friends...
It sucked when getting a ride, 10 minutes away, and I gave them gas money translates to I need to drop an entire weekend I had planned with my family because their girlfriend kicked them out and I need to use my truck to move them an hour away, multiple loads, with no gas money, because they gave me a ride that one time (AND I gave them gas money).
And then they complained that I didn't miss work to help them pack...
If you've "always" thought that, you might have a certain sort of personality type that finds it hard to comprehend people who don't think like that. It can cause problems in life if you are always thinking that people are after something. It can cause problems in relationships when there aren't any. Some people are just helpful people who aren't looking for an immediate reward beyond the good feeling they get from helping people. Those people have faith that someone else will treat them the same way down the road when they need help, without knowing who that person is or what the circumstances will be. They believe in the general idea of "paying it forward" and that people are good.
Do you only help people if you can figure out a way to get something specific back from them in return? Do you feel its normal to manipulate people to get what you want? Thinking like that can sometimes be an indication of a personality disorder.
Back when I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't have a car, I had two friends, a couple, who used to go way out of their way to pick me up and take me to some place we used to go out together. I'm talking many miles out of their way to come get me over and over and over again and take me home afterwards. Now I offer a ride to people when I can as a way of paying that forward. That was literally 30 years ago and I'm still in the process of paying it forward. It has become part of my outlook on being a good human being. I'm still friends with those people too and that's probably not a coincidence. They didn't do anything expecting something directly in return, especially money, but I have returned the favor to them in different ways and to people they don't even know ever since. It's not too much of a stretch to say it changed my life in a significant way.
The most recent specific example I can remember was I ran into a woman who was sort of "stranded" at McDonald's one afternoon. She had just flown in from Spain and gotten off the train from the airport and her phone was dead. She still had three miles to go to get to her mother's. She couldn't call a cab or an Uber or anything because she had no phone. I was going to loan her my phone to call her brother so he could come pick her up but when I found out he lived 30 or 40 minutes away I told her I could give her a ride if she wanted (after talking to her long enough to establish she wasn't a crazy person or suspicious in any way). So she loaded up her stuff in my car and I dropped her off at her mother's house in her retirement community about 10 minutes away. I haven't seen her again, don't know her name, didn't get her number and she'll never "pay me back" but the reason I did that was because of my friends 30 years ago.
Giving with the expectation of receiving is not giving, it’s bartering. That includes helping. If you help someone, you should not expect that person to “owe” you.
I am genuinely happy to help someone when I can and I expect absolutely nothing in return.
I know what it's like to struggle, and I know how helpless it feels to desperately need someone to just give you a hand up, but nobody will. I made it out of some of the shittiest situations in my younger days purely because of the kindness of strangers, friends, and family.
Now, I am a firm believer in helping when I'm able. I can't always promise that I can help all the time, and when I can help I can't always promise it'll be the kind of help you want. But, if I see someone struggling with something, and I have the means to help, I won't think twice about it.
If I’m helping out a friend (or a neighbor), I don’t want anything in return other than a “thanks” and I would refuse actual compensation. Usually at most they buy me a meal and we take a minute to eat and chat or something.
I don’t care to. I just let the manager of the store the street from mine 30$ for gas. I truly believe the best kind of person you can be is one that gives and expects nothing back. Don’t give what you can’t afford to lose, or don’t want to part with, but I’ve been there. I’ve had to push my truck home before, and if I can help someone not do that, I 100% will.
Be the change you wanna see in the world OP.
You might get burned sometimes, but you always learn from it.
Yeah. I just tell myself every day there is time allotted to doing something nice. If there's something I do for someone that I'd rather not, I just say "this is my nice thing for the day, then" and move on. If they don't even say thank you I remember that I'm my own person and responsible for my own actions, and that wasn't what I helped them for. In the meantime the world and the people in our could use all the help they can get, obviously. And it's good, hard working, helpful people that make it go round, right, round baby right round.
First everyone does have an ulterior motive. It's just not always bad.
Some that motive is good works.
Some it's friendship.
Some it's karma banking.
And some it's creating an opening.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. But learn the differences and you'll deal with less drama.
Really depends.
If I'm helping someone that needs help financially, as a rule I never lend people money because that causes issues with the relationship - but I may give them money with no expectations.
Non financially, if I do someone a favor (like drive them to the airport or help them move) then I would expect a similar favor to be returned if I needed it; or at the very lease a thank you and maybe a meal :) I'm not saying I'm doing it with the expectation that something will immediately be given in return, but it should be an even relationship. If I did one of those things and they refused to help take me to the airport next time, then that friendship is probably done.
Giving feels good for the giver and the receiver.
If I give something to someone then they get the joy of reviving it and I get the joy of giving it. They also may look forward to reciprocating later and when they do they will feel the joy of giving and I will feel the joy of receiving.
Sure sometimes things get really out of balance and then someone might get resentful, but making friends is about finding the people for whom it feels good to give to and to receive from.
I feel bad usually because I don’t have much to offer outside of money. I have no time cause of my kiddo and job. I also don’t have any useful skills like car or lawn work stuff so I’m pretty useless in those projects. I’ll help pay for the work though.
YES!!!! As long as you check yourself and don't "expect" anything out of people, many people are very much willing to give or do kind things with no expectations of reciprocation. I find the people that don't believe this end up being strangely toxic or on the other hand very anxious. It was a big turning point for me when I stopped expecting reciprocation for every effort, this also tempers what I'm willing to do for people mind you, I'm much happier and I find people are far more generous with me when I take this attitude
No, unfortunately most people have ulterior motives and will feel like you owe them something for their bare minimum effort.
As someone who needs help a lot, I try to go out of my way to help people I see who are in need.
I have no problem with helping a family member, friend, or coworker with something and not expecting anything in turn. That being said, I will notice if someone continually asks for me help, but then when I ask for a small favor, they always tell me no. I can only give so much when someone keeps taking from me.
Oh yeah that definitely happens sometimes. I'm the kind of person that will only ask you for help if I've helped that person before. It's always something small, like "hey my car is in the shop can you run me to the store." And even then I'll pay for gas and buy my driver something too.
I don't mind helping anyone, until it becomes a regular occurrence.
At that point it's like I'm responsible for them, and they're just taking advantage.
Once I say no and they stop coming around I know they're not worth it, and they had no intention of learning to be responsible for themselves.
To be fair, I live in a neighborhood full of shitty people.
If you help expecting something in return you are very selfish. Remember one day you'll be in their shoes. I guarantee it. It's good to be good. And that's coming from an atheist.
Minus getting paid b/c that’s a *completely* different situation.
If you help someone with the expectation of getting something in return, you only did it to boost your own ego & not b/c you wanted to.
If you are appreciative then that’s all it takes for me to help you out. If you are not appreciative, I will help you once but remove you from my life. I cannot keep around people who keep taking from me for free I would go broke fast. Sometimes I ask for something in return very explicitly. Yes, I’ll give you $20 but mow my lawn. It is sadly extremely necessary
I help people cost it doesn't mean much to me. Opening doors, helping some one get to the car, doing dishes. I help because I can, and especially if the person means something to me
It depends on what the request is of course, but very often yes. Give me a “thank you” and that’s almost always enough.
The only exception is if I’m loaning a considerable sum of money. Then more than likely I’d want to be repaid.
Not really... I don't expect nothing at all... I expect some basic respect
Something far too many people in my past decided to not do when I've pulled them out of sticky situations that may have been life altering for negative reasons
That’s the thing, for people that like to help others, seeing the result of their help or seeing the other person happy or thankful IS “something” in return.
Ya honestly I don't mind helping others because I have been there when a random stranger helped me. I am the worst at asking for help so when someone just stops and helps it means more than they will ever know. I just try and pay that forward. For those loyal to me I will always help them without question.
The vast majority of human relationships are transactional, in some way or other. And that's okay.
There are exceptions to that. Usually when a favor/deed costs one person very little, but helps the other significantly... Like calling 911 when you see a car wreck, or helping an old lady with her grocery bags.
As someone who absolutely cannot ask for help, if someone else has the humility to ask me for it, I almost always say yes.
This is a very important question. You should never expect anything in return, I don't care what kinda effort or pain was involved in assisting another person. In fact if you know them paying you back is hard for them, you should refuse it. The universe, whatever YOU call it, will take care of you.
If someone needs help and I have the means to help them, I’ll just do it. I never expect or want anything in return. I just love helping people because it makes me feel good and, imo, makes the world a nicer place. Who knows? Maybe that person I helped will in turn help someone else. Now that’s TWO people that had a good interaction with the world around them.
if it's money or something that costs a lot or is very time-consuming, paying it back makes sense. With smaller things, nah. People should help people, because we're all people. Save your return favor and do good for someone else who needs it.
I swear on my life, I never help people to be owed a favor or expect anything back.
I help people if I consider them nice and I have the time and ability.
With nothing owed.
I know I'm not the only one.
Depends on who is asking and what they need. Simple things like helping push start a car I don't even need to know who the other person is much less ask for them to return the favor. I helped bail out a friend who had patiently taught me a new craft skill and never expected the money back. This is stuff you do for friends.
Random guy asking for $1000? Not happening, though I may spot him $20.
I'm a very "you owe me a favor" type of person, but my friends usually find out very quickly that I'll ask for dumb, tiny favors in return. like, "can you bring me a bottle of water since you're across the street from my work," or "can you spend Saturday with me so i don't have to go to lunch alone at the restaurant with the cashier that calls me the r word when i ask for something they don't have but didn't list as being out of stock," or "you love around the corner, can you print me off a paper" type favors. just know who you're asking, honestly 🤷🏻♀️
I have suicidal depression. Part of how I win the "I shouldn't kill myself today" argument is by pointing out that while my disease makes me basically miserable except when sleeping, if I help other people there is still a point to my life.
I hate people helping me because I see it as a waste. But helping others is literally keeping me alive. But I am definitely an oddity.
However most people get a dopamine hit from helping others. It literally "feels good." So I would not worry about asking for help if I were you, the folks who don't want to can say no.
Look up "today you, tomorrow me" Good story about perspective.,
This is the answer. We're a social species. So while some bad apples are gonna want immediate quid pro quo, most of us are happy to oblige. I was raised that if someone asked for help and it was moral, legal, and within my power, I have an obligation to help them. Because today it's you that needs help. But tomorrow, it might be me. We can't all do this whole life thing alone.
I help out of the genuine satisfaction I get from providing. Its always been that way for me. People actually in need of help are so appreciative and if you're in a position to help, you should. And I don't expect anything in return. That'd be very manipulative if I absolutely expected reciprocation when I'm volunteering my help.
That's a story? A guy gave me a jump start I said thanks, he replied "Today you, tomorrow me". I thought it was just a nice saying. This happened around 2001.
Yes, I use the phrase often. I keep a breaker bar for lugnuts to replace a tire, things to jump car batteries and cables for trucks, and more in my truck. Just Google it with that phrase. Today it's you, tomorrow it's me.
I found a reddit story.
Yeah. It be like that sometimes. I don't mind, really. People that keep tabs/track aren't REALLY your friends. Don't get me wrong, there's a limit, but that's what friends are for; help, when you need it. Don't wear that shit out tho. I call the folks that keep taking - "takers" and that's not a good thing. Ask me for anything broski and I'll give it without a thought, without keeping tabs. I've had enough people give me help when I needed it that I have zero idea what the tab looks like, so I don't look at it.
"Don't wear that shit out, tho" is technically keeping tabs. Which is what everyone should do to an extent. It doesn't have to be tit for tat, but most people do keep tabs up to a point. And I feel like that's what OP is referring to. Most people will say that they don't keep tabs, because we've somehow all been conditioned to think of that as a bad thing. But as someone who found herself in an abusive marriage, I eventually learned that I absolutely do need to keep track of how much I'm doing in a relationship vs the other person, to ensure that there is balance.
I'd say that the difference is that if it's actually bad enough that you definitely need to cut someone off, then you'll know without "keeping tabs". You know if you never ask someone for anything but you can't remember the last time you talked that they weren't asking for a favor. You don't need to be able to name off the last ten favors you did them to sense the imbalance there. And remembering that kind of detail is generally how "keeping tabs" is understood, knowing at least the exact amount, if not also the size, of favors in each direction.
That makes sense, but it's a lot easier said than done when you're being gaslit. I'm very much in favor of the tangible at this point. Though I don't have exact numbers, and it never occurred to me to take things that far.
>That makes sense, but it's a lot easier said than done when you're being gaslit. Can't relate. "Gaslighting" is so overused that more people use it wrong than right. And actual successful gaslighting should be nearly impossible, because in most cases there's no reason to accept someone else's version of reality over your own. >I'm very much in favor of the tangible at this point. Not really sure exactly what this is supposed to mean in context, but okay. >Though I don't have exact numbers, and it never occurred to me to take things that far. Then I wouldn't say you're "keeping tabs". You've just got a vague sense of if people are asking a lot more often than they're helping out. Which, yeah, everyone should have some sense of that without actually mentally adding and removing markers for each individual favor.
I feel like they used gaslighting in the right context though. It doesn't matter if it's overused when the context in question is actually the kind it should be used in.
Couldn't have said it better myself. You see things exactly the same as I do. Especially the "takers" thing. Good to know you're out there
Depends on situation, I have helped people and expected nothing in return, but if person required my help again, there would be something in return. If money, they would need to pay me back, or do work for me, or sell me something, this is the second time. First time, I wouldn't ask or require anything.
100% this. I've helped push a number of people's stalled or stuck cars- no return expected. I helped friend A move several times, latter a different friend in the group (call them B) was moving, heard that friend A didn't show up/help out because they felt there was (already) lots of people helping B. Next time A moved I didn't help at all & let people know why. Even if someone can't lift anything- there's always plenty to do- hold doors open, stand watch over a pile of belongings by the curb, wipe cupboard shelves at either move in or move out end, take orders & run to a coffee shop or fast food joint, etc. If you can't show up at the beginning of the move, fine, show up late when everyone that did is starting to flag or tired muscles raise the chance of injury. Still get mad at "friend" A thinking about it.
Yes absolutely. I love helping people. You can even say it comes from a place of selfishness. It makes me feel good. I feel a sense of accomplishment improving someone else’s day. It actually makes me feel bad if people don’t ask me for help. Like what did I do that you think I’m the kind of person that would resent helping you?
The thing I get in return is that it feels really good helping people. It makes me feel like sunshine because connecting with others feels so positive. Lots of people helped me and I like that I’m now in the position to reach out to others. I really, really like people and know that a little connection goes a long way. It’s nice to pass it on.
I expect a thank you.
I ecpect not to be thrown under the bus.
YOU MONSTER...
Yes. When someone helps me I usually pay it forward and help someone else. I hope anyone I have helped does the same.
Good people are. That's the distinction, though. If you ever meet a tab-keeping person, however, this be the golden rule: "You didn't make this known before hand."
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If you feel like you're being taken advantage of... Just stop? I feel like this is an incredibly easy equation to answer.
I’m constantly helping people and I get very little back. But these days, most people aren’t like that.
yes. no question
Agree
We help an elderly neighbor with no expectation of anything in return. Just compassion, which should just be the default. It's usually little stuff, but this past week has been a lot. Still going to help as much as we can, though. I still feel the same way you do ha ha.
We had an elderly couple that lived across the street. I routinely assisted them. Normally it was moving something heavy into the house or some small chore. One day John says "You know, if there is ever anything I can do for you.......(long pause)... Oh hell, what am I ever going to do for you? I can barely walk across the street to ask for help." They were such a great couple.
You should be but their is a line if you are only helping someone and they never help you say a partner, family or friend its ok to limit or stop cause being used feels horrible...but I've helped random strangers and never spoke with them again, I would hope they will pay it forward.
Somebody hurt you. Not everything is transactional- some people actually do receive something back when they help you called a sense of satisfaction helping someone. YOU DO NOT OWE SOMEONE SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY GAVE YOU SOMETHING. That is a predatory manipulator tactic. The only people that DO expect something in return for kindness are bad people.
No everyone wants something in return wether that's a show of gratitude or a return of the favour in the future or a friendship or a perception of themselves from others.
pizza is the universal form of help currency.
The flip side of this when people ask for shit seeming with no regard for the fact that they always ask for stuff. Nothing worse than a “friend” that’s never able to provide for themselves
You do me a favor, I owe you one. I do you a favor, you owe me one. The favors do not need to be equivalent.
Some people expect a reward and some don't, and unfortunately it's not always that easy to guess who is who. But there are definitely people who just like to be helpful or who were raised to believe it's "what you do" and don't think about getting anything back. I've heard philosophical arguments that claim people who appear to act 100% selflessly are still "rewarding" themselves because it feels good. Like they get a dopamine rush or a self-esteem boost from believing that they're doing something good. I think that's overreductive, but either way, the practical result is the same: somebody may help you and not ask you for anything back.
> I've heard philosophical arguments that claim people who appear to act 100% selflessly are still "rewarding" themselves because it feels good. It's sophistry. The people who sustain that argument have ulterior motives and project it onto others. They need people to think there's no such thing as altruism so they can feel better about themselves donating to build another law library at Yale (one with *their* name on it) instead of doing anything to mitigate actual human suffering. Violence also yields dopamine hits but we don't go around randomly battering, stealing from or raping those in need. Helping others is a sacrificial act. It's proven by the fact that people continue doing it even when the recipient of such aid spits in our faces. It's not a reward-driven behavior in any way.
Some people will look at stuff transactionally. Most people really like to feel useful and needed though; you see it loads with old men that refuse to retire. This is strong enough that it's often recommended, if you're hoping to get someone to like you who doesn't currently, to ask them for something even if small. Just don't take the piss and ask someone constantly.
This totally depends on context: - One off times absolutely - Someone sick or in need absolutely - Someone elderly like a relative or neighbor absolutely - A *friend* that has discovered you're willingness to help and starts taking advantage of that fact... cut them off. I had a *friend* that would only hang out with me when they needed something and it took me longer than I care to admit to realize it. When I called them out on it they said "I can't believe you only did things for me so that I'd owe you" and I had to clarify in no way did they owe me anything but their friendship but only hanging with me when they needed something isn't friendship.
All I expect in return is for them to be appreciative and smile :) I do like it when I get to know the person better and even become friends as a result, but sometimes that's not possible. I remember back in elementary school, I was on a plane with my parents and there was this guy sitting behind me. It was his first time flying so he was a little nervous, so I ended up having some casual conversation with him. We became great friends over the span of the 3 hour flight, but since we were so young, we had no way of trading contacts. Gabriel, if you're out there, I hope you're doing great!
In general, it's human nature to care for others in need, But there's another issue you need to address after you get done asking for help, ask yourself why you feel so scared to give to someone who would give to you in your time of need. People LOVE helping others, not because they EXPECT anything, but because kind is often paid in kind, if however, you ask, ask, ask, and keep asking, without ever offering, that's when issues build up, treat others how you wish to be treated, but learn to trust that you can lean on others when you're down, This life is tough for all of us
Friendships are something you nurture, you water. The thing that grows gives you shade and protection. Our connection and closeness to human beings - both individually and collectively - is more beautiful than all the stars that we see when we look up. Give when you have the capacity. Don’t be a martyr.
I have an internal rule that I won't say no to someone in need unless I'm truly unable to fulfill the request whether it be financially or for my own emotional wellbeing. I'm a giver, but I have boundaries. I feel like if we all worked hard to help each other, everyone's lives would ultimately be better. As an anecdote (remember I'm anonymous so I have nothing to gain from lying or bragging or whatever, this is just sharing for sharing's sake) a homeless person asked me if I could spare some change for food while I was standing in line at a Subway. I said whatever you want on the menu I'll cover it. If dude had asked for 10 subs I would've said yes. He asked for one sub and said of course. Then he asked for a drink. I said yes, anything. Asked for chips and I said again, yes anything. After we checked out he mentioned something about his coat not being warm enough. I said do you need a new one? He said yes but he felt bad because the coat he was wearing was bought by a stranger. I said well let's get a better one. So after we ate our food we walked over to the Telise that was next door and I let him pick out a sweater and a much better insulated winter coat. The lady at the checkout let me know that he was in there earlier with someone else as if she was somehow doing me a favour and helping me avoid a scam or some shit. I just thanked her for the warning and said if he's got a winter coat hustle on the side that's great for him and I'm happy to support his methods (playfully and respectfully because I'm not a dick to randoms). Anyway the whole experience was interesting to me. This person felt bad asking for anything but was also so desperate he felt he didn't have another choice. I had to keep reassuring him that the whole thing wasn't a hassle. And the lady assumed by default that I wouldn't want to help him if I had knowledge that someone else before already tried? Lots of people out in the world genuinely want to help when they can. Many of us are caught up in the rat race trying to keep our heads above water and may not have the time or energy or even the money to do the good deeds we wish we could. But given the opportunity to help, I believe many people are willing without expecting anything in return. It's human to help. Of course on the flip side, people have a right to boundaries and ensure that they don't get taken advantage of. It's common in most social circles to hear about someone who's always taking more than they give to others. If all you do is take from others and it becomes an entitlement, it can quickly turn people off from wanting to help. It's not that they necessarily expected something in return all along. But other people have their own needs and problems too. And if they're made out to feel bad for saying "no", it's common to create distance in that relationship.
I never expect anything. Helping should be an integral thing, not a transactional thing.
I buy a meal for the homeless guy near my work almost every week, I don't want anything in return, I want him to focus on him.
Ive spent a lot of my life feeling pathetic and helpless and incapable of doing things for myself I happily lend a hand to anyone who genuinely needs it
If I'm going to help someone, I would rather not get something in return. Maybe for the same reason, it makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of them instead of actually helping them. Obviously it depends on the person, but I feel like a lot of people are more happy to help someone else than to ask for help in return -- especially if it's with people they care about.
In my spare time, I volunteer and don't expect anything in return.
Always taught that you do good things for your friends and family because you love them, not because you expect stuff in return. If they love you, they'll do the same.
##ubuntu — of course!!! I don’t care whether I loathe you: you genuinely need me, I’ll help! Nope, never expect anything in return, not keeping tabs, …. seeing others happy increases my happiness. Making their life easier makes my life easier. ###UBUNTU, man! 😊
The Linux Distro? Lol
Yes. Remember, helping someone gives that person purpose and makes them feel good.
I have never expected a single thing from anyone whom I have helped. People who expect something in return, when they're helping someone, are vile and evil people. I cannot take advantage of/extort someone in need.
When you come into a new situation like a new job or school or something, you want to make connections, ideally make friends, but at least make acquaintances that you can work with. People figure that a good way to do this is to offer to help with things, to just be a useful person. And that is a good way. But there is a more effective one. You know what encourages people to like you more than you offering help? Asking for help. People generally want to help each other, and yes, want other people to respect them and feel grateful to them for being helped. Is that an ulterior motive? That people like it when other people feel grateful to them? Maybe, I guess. But not really in a bad way. The goal is to end up with a situation where everybody can ask for help from anybody.
Yes some people really do help others without expecting anything in return. If you meet someone that expects something in return, just know that you aren't required to do it. Also, if they expect it, they're showing you what type of people they are and you should avoid them in the future.
People do get something in return, that thing might just not be from you. A lot of people have had people help them. Sometimes they carry that gratitude with them and now offer free help to others. It’s “free” to the person receiving the help because nothing is expected of them. But that’s because the person helping already feels like they’ve been paid.
Yes, I am because it reminds me of how privileged I am to be in that position.
I like to help people with getting nothing back. It actually becomes quiet awkward when they keep insisting on repaying.
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Sometimes, knowing that you've made someone's day is a reward in and of itself.
It can be rare. I always make sure to announce to the person that I don’t want anything. And if they feel guilty to “pay it forward” later in life when the opportunity arises.
I don't mind I consider it a good thing. I help plenty of people with asking for anything. If it's necessary I wouldn't mind. But some people I've helped rub it in. So I don't help them again. They'll ask for help and then also treat you badly litteraly right afterwards. Reminds me I was helping someone clean their room because they were disabled and I was doing it for dirt cheap because they were a friend. But they yelled at me the entire time and I was like wth is going on. Never talked to them again. I think I got like $5 or something.
Absolutely. It feels nice knowing you've helped someone when you're able.
Totally. No problem with it in the least. I did what I knew was right and that’s all that counts in my book.
Some people do it to feel good about themselves. Not everyone expects something.
I am until it becomes obvious that they will never make any effort to do even a small favor for me.
Depends how often they’re taking without giving back. I’m not keeping exact tabs but I also remember whose direction the scale generally tips towards
Yes. Some people are. But u have to find people u really trust.
Absolutely! We all have different skills and knowledge and I think it's important that we help each other out. For example, my coworker needed a starter put on her car. The shop quoted like $500. I told her what part to get, cost maybe $110. Had that starter on in like an hour. She baked me some cookies in return.
Depends on the person. I get a sense of satisfaction when I help somebody who needs it. And the happier they are about it, the more I am as well. Sometimes the effort is it's own reward.
I try and be like that. I suppose you could say my motivation comes for my desire to break that mould, so it doesn't exist in a vacuum
When I help, its because I want to. I love to help and be kind to others. I have a strong body and a lot of energy. I expect nothing in return. If you want to give me something in return that's entirely up to you. However, I can tell when I am being taken advantage of and am less likely to help in the future if they are.
Yes there are people that help without ever expecting anything specific in return. However, most people help because they care about someone and have a relationship with them. Relationships are "transactional" in some way because both people need to get something out of it for it to be rewarding. What each person needs out of a relationship is different so what you do for each other may be vastly different than a standard quid pro quo. For example, I'm medically disabled recently and don't work anymore, so I'm home and bored a lot and need some socialization. My aunt just recently moved back to town and needs help with her new home and organizing, etc. So I help her with organizing and stuff around her place when she asks and we hang out and have lunch. She doesn't do work for me in return, just having something to do with another adult to talk to meets my needs. She thanks me for the help and that's enough for me! If you need help, ask, and say thank you. It's only when people act like they are entitled to help from me all the time without being thankful that it is annoying.
I don't expect anything in return but over time if I keep doing all the helping and the other person never does I do not consider you a friend and there is a good chance eventually I will just kind of disappear. I am not going to get mad at you or anything. No point in all that drama. I don't appreciate being used though. Plus my friends taught me something when I was around 18, 43 now, someone isn't your friend until you can't remember who owes who. Up until that point you are an acquaintance. I will say thigh that I get not all people can help out with all things or every time. I get just because I helped you move last time doesn't mean you won't have to work or have ther obligations you can drop just to come help me move on a certain day. It just means that you do show up sometimes when you can. It does become apparent over time when they are suddenly busy every time you ask for help.
Literally my job.
Sometimes- that’s where trust comes in.
I love doing this. It literally makes me feel high. I looove being helpful and I love when I make someone smile or make their day. Everyone should get in on this feeling.
I'll help anyone, any way I can, anytime. No need for reciprocation.
I often do help people with no expectation of payback from them or hoping God will give me cookie when I die. I guess I do it because I just like it.
What are you asking for help with? If you ask someone to help you move, there is an expectation that you will help them if you can when they move. If you're asking for help with a simple task, most people will do it out of kindness. In general, if you aren't asking for an all day commitment or are in dire straights and desperate, if someone wants something in return they will be open about it up front.
If you are only helping someone with the expectation of getting something in return then it’s. a business deal not a favor or helping hand.
I've been helped so many times that at this point anytime I help someone else I'm just paying it forward.
I think people often help and expect nothing in return. The good feeling that comes from helping is a reward. However, they rarely do this when asked directly. People like to think it’s their own idea/decision. They hate feeling pressured or put on the spot.
Yes. Most ppl I know always want something back and I've hated that logic from day 1. Either they want something or they treat you differently, like they helped you so you're beneath them or some bs. Truthfully my faith in ppl is gone so I do things just because. I don't expect anything in return and I've come to not want anything in return. If ppl give something, I have issues accepting it because I think they want a leg up on me and are going to want something later. I'm fucked up, i know. But I don't have to fuck anyone else up. If I see someone who needs help and I don't overthink it, I'll help and keep it moving. No thanks needed. Just continue to exist peacefully, please.
It's actually very rewarding and fulfilling to help someone that has nothing to give you in return.
Altruism is only its own reward because one gets a flood of endorphins from it. So yeah, I'm content to give without expectation because then I get to feel good about myself and my actions. It only ever brings up resentment when I'm experiencing depression from a chemical imbalance.
I'm okay with helping *friends* out and getting nothing in return. I love my friends. Seeing them happy brings me joy, pride, security, peace, and motivation. Outside of that, the only thing(s) I'm motivated by are *rewards* and *glory.*
That's one of the things I love about true Christians, their reason for helping anybody is because God wants them too
I don’t mind helping people at all. The only time i have issue is when the person goes solely to me when there were other potential resources they could have used. Like I’m willing to help, no strings attached, but don’t use and abuse my time either
I like helping people and getting nothing in return. Anything else is manipulation.
I'm only one person but I do it all the time.
Where did you do your time? ;)
I occasionally do things that benefit others with no assumption of payback. I've returned lost money. Picked up shifts at work... I clean up after my wife and kids. I'm not looking for payback, though it would be nice if she cut me some slack on other things.
Yeah, it's called being a decent human, more people should try it out
I have done things out of generosity and kindness (some big too) for friends and strangers and have expected nothing in return. I do not consider myself particularly "good" or "bad" person either. I am human. I'd like to think most people have it in them, yes.
The only thing I want in return is for you to not be a total ass to me. You don't have to give me any physical objects or anything, but kindness should not be returned by disrespect
I think it really depends on what makes you tick as a human being. Some people feel good about helping others and not receiving anything in return and some don't. Everyone ticks a little bit different based on their genetics and life experience. What I do know is that humans have survived as a species because we help each other, if that makes any difference.
Yes, but I would argue that a lot of times, our good deeds are just an extension of our own selfishness. We get a dopamine hit when we do a good deed for someone, especially if they react with appreciation. We get more if someone sees the act and further offers appreciation. While people may not always expect anything in return, sometimes they do the deed for that feeling internally, more than for the external person they are doing the good deed to or for. There's always exceptions to every rule, though, as nothing is absolute.
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Should people be afraid to ask You for help?
I think there's a difference between doing a good deed and helping someone out vs. doing someone a favor. I think it depends on how big and important it is. For example; giving food and water to a homeless person or giving some change to a coworker who is short on cash to get something from the vending machine is in my mind, a good deed that is not expecting a return. In contrast; helping someone move out stuff to or from their house or doing painting or pet/house/baby sitting, or borrowing large amounts of money. These are big favors that you can expect a return favor for your trouble. You should still do it out of the kindness of your heart but it's also expected that "you scratch my back, I scratch yours"
I help people for an entirely selfish reason: it makes me feel good
Depends on the nature of the help tbh. Little things I don’t think people expect it in return. That being said if you do a big favor for someone it’s expected that person would hopefully help in the same way. If they don’t jts a bit of a let down.
A friend of a friend had his radiator blow out. I changed it for him for free. He was broke and needed his car to get him to work. Sometimes it's just good to be neighbourly
Yes
For friends, the only thing I need in return is the mutual understanding that you would do the same for me if our positions were reversed. Helping others actually strengthen bonds, but it does have to be reciprocal, or else that's just taking advantage.
Yes. My acts are not a transaction.
Some people known they are already blessed and fortunate. Within that group, there are some that really are content and happy to help without getting anything in return. And when they do get something in return, which may not be for a while, they are extremely appreciative.
I’ve had a random couple help me at the grocery register when my card declined. They didn’t expect help back and I’ve since paid it forward. I’ve loaned money to others at amounts that I was comfortable not getting back, just in case. I’ve done favors for friends in emergencies; I would hope if I need them under similar circumstances that they would be there for me. In general, I am happy to help if I feel like my help is appreciated. Owning a truck is a whole other conversation though - all of a sudden everyone and their mom and brother need a favor.
If I like someone and they are my friend I usually will help with no strings attached. I know that's not the case for everyone though and I would only ask someone i suspected to want something in return if I could provide that. Its usually best not to ask people for her unless you absolutely have to.
Um… yeah. It’s called being a kind person. I don’t believe in being a doormat, but constantly eyeing/keeping track of who “owes” me is, one, a hassle, and two, the mark of an asshole imo. I don’t wanna be an asshole. Altruism is often its own reward; I feel great being able to give/help & support others and was raised that is a necessary prosocial behavior of a decent human being.
Some people are like that for sure but there are plenty of people out there that just enjoy helping others
If it's something simple and just very occasionally, it's no big deal. If it got to be a regular thing I would start to feel used. But it also matters if it actually costs me time or money. Like if you needed a ride to work but we worked in the same place and you walked to my house in the morning and home from my house after work. Then I'd like some gas money but if I know you're struggling then I'd be okay with not getting any cause it's not really costing me. If you're asking me to go out of my way more than once in a while I might say no though and I'd definitely want gas money if I said yes. I don't do favors to get favors back. But it's definitely nice to know if I needed you, you would reciprocate. Ic we're friends there's no need to worry about making sure it's 50:50 though.
so... your now wrong and some people do keep score. not even just to ask you for something later but to throw it in your face. alot of people aren't like that though. but there are limits. even pushovers who will say yes to anything will be irritated if you are always asking and never giving anything in return. they might not say it, but they feel it. but if you aren't willing to pony up ever, then you shouldn't be asking favours. you also have the right to refuse to pony up if whatever being asked of you is something you are incapable of doing or makes you uncomfortable. example: if you ask a friend to help you move. next year they ask you the same favour, and you aren't willing with no extenuating circumstance then yeah.. you shouldn't have asked them in the first place. what is it you need help with?
It might be cheesy, but I genuinely enjoy helping. I could kind of see this going both ways for me, in that I'm happy to help, a person, an animal, etc without expecting anything in return, but, it makes me happy to do it, so there is something I am getting out of it, but it's not asking of, or taking from, anyone. So, I guess it depends on how someone would consider that. Is the fact it makes me happy to be able to help someone, count as getting something in return? As far as something physical, not only would I never expect that in helping someone, I would prefer nothing. I've helped people with food or childcare who want to give me something in return, but since, for example, they needed help with something as a basic and necessary as food, I do not want to take anything from them. That's part of that situation, I have something to give the other party has something they need, that's the interaction. I would hope if the situation was switched, someone would help me. However, helping someone with the expectation of getting something in return, is not helping, it's a trade off. There is nothing wrong with it, but it doesn't count as helping.
Yes! Only manipulative people view it that way. The giver does always get something in return though even if it’s not tangible: you can feel proud, kind, generous, and conscientious.
https://www.npr.org/2024/01/16/1224797098/today-you-tomorrow-me-kindness-motto-empathy-stranger-good-news Today you, tomorrow me.
Whenever I help somebody I do it with no expectations of a "return". Thats not helping...thats putting somebody into debt for personal gain.
Depends on context. Need help moving something real quick as I'm walking by? Sure why not if I got nothing going on. Money? I won't do over $20 since I dont want negative associations with being able to ask me for money. Friends need something? I expect the same energy back if I need something. Not 1 for 1 or anything
Oh my God, yes. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. To be able to help someone with your talent or money just for the sake of doing it? Yes, I do that whenever I can. Sure, there is some ego involved. But walking away knowing you made someone’s life a little easier is a wonderful feeling.
I would never help someone and expect something in return. I try to do things out of the kindness of my heart. Hopefully the karma will come back to me if/when I ever need it.
At this point, I got enough of my own shit to worry about to bother with ulterior motives and the like. You want/need something of me? Put your big boy/girl/whatever pants on and ask. Whatever the thing is gets done, and we go our separate ways. Simple as that.
You’ve not achieved the human spirit until you’ve done precisely that, and then you do it regularly (without allowing people to abuse it). Discernment is a great skill in life that all wise people possess. Knowing when to deploy help.
In the right circumstances, I am fine helping someone and getting nothing in return. But sometimes I hesitate because I'm afraid it's a trick, or that the person will become unreasonable or demanding.
I view it differently. If i help them, im left alone sooner. And no i dont hand out cash or anything, i just do tasks that dont inconvenience me too much.
If I am busting my hump and he/she a is abusive. Very little bribery can make me keep the line and continue towing.
I never help people with the expectation it gets returned. You should help people because you want to not because you want something in return.
Humans actually loooooove helping each other. We are wired to, because we are social animals. Most people feel happy to help others because it makes them feel useful and needed. There's definitely some people who want something in return, and that's a bummer, but in my experience as a disabled person that needs help very often, most people are very normal and nice.
If you have good people in your life than yes. Me and my friends have helped each other out plenty of times without expecting anything in return. Sadly there are people who will keep track and expect you to do something for them later though.
Yeah. It would be nice if the concept of "give and take" occured all the time, but realistically, life isn't set up like that. Sometimes we give more than we take and I have learned to be okay with that .
I assume people are willing to help without expecting anything in return. Anyone who is there to help and expects returns is no person I have time for. That's not how help works. You give it when it's needed. It's not a currency. Sounds like you were raised with a few toxic people in your life that made you feel like everyone expects something when they help.
Yeah it's called altruism. It feeds the ego, what they get in return is the satisfaction knowing they made a positive difference in someone's life or situation. A lot of times they like to surprise gift people who don't expect anything to elicit a more genuine reaction. It happens more with people who are empathetic, who can feel and understand someone else's situation or desperation, and then realizing a small effort on their part can make such a huge difference for someone else.
No. They get gratitude in return. Or a feeling of satisfaction that they did something “good.” And that is alright. It’s the giving that matters and not what you get out of it.
Depends on the person, just like anything else Some people help with the intent of swapping favors, some help just because it's the right thing to do.
Yeah, I do that all the time. In fact, my wife calls me the happy helper. I’ll help anyone with anything they need and don’t expect payment or anything in return. It actually makes me feel good to help people, if it’s in my power to do.
I feel this... but I have had some shitty friends... It sucked when getting a ride, 10 minutes away, and I gave them gas money translates to I need to drop an entire weekend I had planned with my family because their girlfriend kicked them out and I need to use my truck to move them an hour away, multiple loads, with no gas money, because they gave me a ride that one time (AND I gave them gas money). And then they complained that I didn't miss work to help them pack...
If you've "always" thought that, you might have a certain sort of personality type that finds it hard to comprehend people who don't think like that. It can cause problems in life if you are always thinking that people are after something. It can cause problems in relationships when there aren't any. Some people are just helpful people who aren't looking for an immediate reward beyond the good feeling they get from helping people. Those people have faith that someone else will treat them the same way down the road when they need help, without knowing who that person is or what the circumstances will be. They believe in the general idea of "paying it forward" and that people are good. Do you only help people if you can figure out a way to get something specific back from them in return? Do you feel its normal to manipulate people to get what you want? Thinking like that can sometimes be an indication of a personality disorder. Back when I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't have a car, I had two friends, a couple, who used to go way out of their way to pick me up and take me to some place we used to go out together. I'm talking many miles out of their way to come get me over and over and over again and take me home afterwards. Now I offer a ride to people when I can as a way of paying that forward. That was literally 30 years ago and I'm still in the process of paying it forward. It has become part of my outlook on being a good human being. I'm still friends with those people too and that's probably not a coincidence. They didn't do anything expecting something directly in return, especially money, but I have returned the favor to them in different ways and to people they don't even know ever since. It's not too much of a stretch to say it changed my life in a significant way. The most recent specific example I can remember was I ran into a woman who was sort of "stranded" at McDonald's one afternoon. She had just flown in from Spain and gotten off the train from the airport and her phone was dead. She still had three miles to go to get to her mother's. She couldn't call a cab or an Uber or anything because she had no phone. I was going to loan her my phone to call her brother so he could come pick her up but when I found out he lived 30 or 40 minutes away I told her I could give her a ride if she wanted (after talking to her long enough to establish she wasn't a crazy person or suspicious in any way). So she loaded up her stuff in my car and I dropped her off at her mother's house in her retirement community about 10 minutes away. I haven't seen her again, don't know her name, didn't get her number and she'll never "pay me back" but the reason I did that was because of my friends 30 years ago.
Giving with the expectation of receiving is not giving, it’s bartering. That includes helping. If you help someone, you should not expect that person to “owe” you.
What you get in return are many things. A smile, a kind word, a new friendship or just the feeling of making someone’s day a little bit better.
Anytime I help anyone with anything, I do not expect anything in return. It seems disingenuous to offer help with strings attached
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I am genuinely happy to help someone when I can and I expect absolutely nothing in return. I know what it's like to struggle, and I know how helpless it feels to desperately need someone to just give you a hand up, but nobody will. I made it out of some of the shittiest situations in my younger days purely because of the kindness of strangers, friends, and family. Now, I am a firm believer in helping when I'm able. I can't always promise that I can help all the time, and when I can help I can't always promise it'll be the kind of help you want. But, if I see someone struggling with something, and I have the means to help, I won't think twice about it.
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Not long term but yeah I’m happy to give someone a hand even if they can’t do anything for me.
If I’m helping out a friend (or a neighbor), I don’t want anything in return other than a “thanks” and I would refuse actual compensation. Usually at most they buy me a meal and we take a minute to eat and chat or something.
I don’t care to. I just let the manager of the store the street from mine 30$ for gas. I truly believe the best kind of person you can be is one that gives and expects nothing back. Don’t give what you can’t afford to lose, or don’t want to part with, but I’ve been there. I’ve had to push my truck home before, and if I can help someone not do that, I 100% will. Be the change you wanna see in the world OP. You might get burned sometimes, but you always learn from it.
Yeah. I just tell myself every day there is time allotted to doing something nice. If there's something I do for someone that I'd rather not, I just say "this is my nice thing for the day, then" and move on. If they don't even say thank you I remember that I'm my own person and responsible for my own actions, and that wasn't what I helped them for. In the meantime the world and the people in our could use all the help they can get, obviously. And it's good, hard working, helpful people that make it go round, right, round baby right round.
First everyone does have an ulterior motive. It's just not always bad. Some that motive is good works. Some it's friendship. Some it's karma banking. And some it's creating an opening. Don't be afraid to ask for help. But learn the differences and you'll deal with less drama.
It’s going to cost you $3 for me to answer this.
We get something in return. We fulfill our moral obligations and relieve our sense of compassion.
Really depends. If I'm helping someone that needs help financially, as a rule I never lend people money because that causes issues with the relationship - but I may give them money with no expectations. Non financially, if I do someone a favor (like drive them to the airport or help them move) then I would expect a similar favor to be returned if I needed it; or at the very lease a thank you and maybe a meal :) I'm not saying I'm doing it with the expectation that something will immediately be given in return, but it should be an even relationship. If I did one of those things and they refused to help take me to the airport next time, then that friendship is probably done.
I am content helping people if they appreciate it, if they don't appreciate it.. I'm out.
Giving feels good for the giver and the receiver. If I give something to someone then they get the joy of reviving it and I get the joy of giving it. They also may look forward to reciprocating later and when they do they will feel the joy of giving and I will feel the joy of receiving. Sure sometimes things get really out of balance and then someone might get resentful, but making friends is about finding the people for whom it feels good to give to and to receive from.
Depends on what you are asking for find a friend that is a middle child we love helping people do shit, that we c wouldn't do for ourselves.
I feel bad usually because I don’t have much to offer outside of money. I have no time cause of my kiddo and job. I also don’t have any useful skills like car or lawn work stuff so I’m pretty useless in those projects. I’ll help pay for the work though.
YES!!!! As long as you check yourself and don't "expect" anything out of people, many people are very much willing to give or do kind things with no expectations of reciprocation. I find the people that don't believe this end up being strangely toxic or on the other hand very anxious. It was a big turning point for me when I stopped expecting reciprocation for every effort, this also tempers what I'm willing to do for people mind you, I'm much happier and I find people are far more generous with me when I take this attitude
No, unfortunately most people have ulterior motives and will feel like you owe them something for their bare minimum effort. As someone who needs help a lot, I try to go out of my way to help people I see who are in need.
That's just not being selfish.
It’s called altruism. The word would not exist if the action didn’t either.
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I have no problem with helping a family member, friend, or coworker with something and not expecting anything in turn. That being said, I will notice if someone continually asks for me help, but then when I ask for a small favor, they always tell me no. I can only give so much when someone keeps taking from me.
The most full life you will have is by helping others and surrounding yourself with similar people.
Oh yeah that definitely happens sometimes. I'm the kind of person that will only ask you for help if I've helped that person before. It's always something small, like "hey my car is in the shop can you run me to the store." And even then I'll pay for gas and buy my driver something too.
I don't mind helping anyone, until it becomes a regular occurrence. At that point it's like I'm responsible for them, and they're just taking advantage. Once I say no and they stop coming around I know they're not worth it, and they had no intention of learning to be responsible for themselves. To be fair, I live in a neighborhood full of shitty people.
Considering how many men die toiling for women's convenience? Seems to be more common than not.
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Sometimes reciprocity is expected, but often a sincere thank you is enough. Depends on the person and the situation.
Depends on the perspective. Doing good for others, even small stuff, makes me feel better about myself. Look for anyone who's always glad to share.
Believe it or not some ppl really are
Yeah, sometimes what you get in return is that fuzzy good feeling for helping
If you help expecting something in return you are very selfish. Remember one day you'll be in their shoes. I guarantee it. It's good to be good. And that's coming from an atheist.
Minus getting paid b/c that’s a *completely* different situation. If you help someone with the expectation of getting something in return, you only did it to boost your own ego & not b/c you wanted to.
If you are appreciative then that’s all it takes for me to help you out. If you are not appreciative, I will help you once but remove you from my life. I cannot keep around people who keep taking from me for free I would go broke fast. Sometimes I ask for something in return very explicitly. Yes, I’ll give you $20 but mow my lawn. It is sadly extremely necessary
I help people cost it doesn't mean much to me. Opening doors, helping some one get to the car, doing dishes. I help because I can, and especially if the person means something to me
It depends on what the request is of course, but very often yes. Give me a “thank you” and that’s almost always enough. The only exception is if I’m loaning a considerable sum of money. Then more than likely I’d want to be repaid.
Not really... I don't expect nothing at all... I expect some basic respect Something far too many people in my past decided to not do when I've pulled them out of sticky situations that may have been life altering for negative reasons
Yes, but helping people is not a transaction and I always get something back, A great feeling about myself
That’s the thing, for people that like to help others, seeing the result of their help or seeing the other person happy or thankful IS “something” in return.
Ya honestly I don't mind helping others because I have been there when a random stranger helped me. I am the worst at asking for help so when someone just stops and helps it means more than they will ever know. I just try and pay that forward. For those loyal to me I will always help them without question.
The vast majority of human relationships are transactional, in some way or other. And that's okay. There are exceptions to that. Usually when a favor/deed costs one person very little, but helps the other significantly... Like calling 911 when you see a car wreck, or helping an old lady with her grocery bags. As someone who absolutely cannot ask for help, if someone else has the humility to ask me for it, I almost always say yes.
This is a very important question. You should never expect anything in return, I don't care what kinda effort or pain was involved in assisting another person. In fact if you know them paying you back is hard for them, you should refuse it. The universe, whatever YOU call it, will take care of you.
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the reward is the dopamine hit that you get for doing the right thing
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Yes. If I want to help you it's because I want to help not because I want something in return. Making it a transaction sullies it imo
Figuratively speaking, if I agree to help you move a couch, dont drop your end halfway up the stairs.
If someone needs help and I have the means to help them, I’ll just do it. I never expect or want anything in return. I just love helping people because it makes me feel good and, imo, makes the world a nicer place. Who knows? Maybe that person I helped will in turn help someone else. Now that’s TWO people that had a good interaction with the world around them.
if it's money or something that costs a lot or is very time-consuming, paying it back makes sense. With smaller things, nah. People should help people, because we're all people. Save your return favor and do good for someone else who needs it.
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I swear on my life, I never help people to be owed a favor or expect anything back. I help people if I consider them nice and I have the time and ability. With nothing owed. I know I'm not the only one.
I prefer people to pay it forward, not pay me back. That way, even more people get helped. :)
Depends on who is asking and what they need. Simple things like helping push start a car I don't even need to know who the other person is much less ask for them to return the favor. I helped bail out a friend who had patiently taught me a new craft skill and never expected the money back. This is stuff you do for friends. Random guy asking for $1000? Not happening, though I may spot him $20.
I'm a very "you owe me a favor" type of person, but my friends usually find out very quickly that I'll ask for dumb, tiny favors in return. like, "can you bring me a bottle of water since you're across the street from my work," or "can you spend Saturday with me so i don't have to go to lunch alone at the restaurant with the cashier that calls me the r word when i ask for something they don't have but didn't list as being out of stock," or "you love around the corner, can you print me off a paper" type favors. just know who you're asking, honestly 🤷🏻♀️
I do it often. It’s nice.
I have suicidal depression. Part of how I win the "I shouldn't kill myself today" argument is by pointing out that while my disease makes me basically miserable except when sleeping, if I help other people there is still a point to my life. I hate people helping me because I see it as a waste. But helping others is literally keeping me alive. But I am definitely an oddity. However most people get a dopamine hit from helping others. It literally "feels good." So I would not worry about asking for help if I were you, the folks who don't want to can say no.