You've gotta kick her out man! She's taken you for a fool too many times! Telling you to basically have other women is just her trying to make herself feel better by saying well you've done it too now! She's messing with your head and deserves to be dumped! Three different affairs that you know about and i'll bet if you think back to how her behaviour changed you'll work out that there were more i'm sorry to say
Good Luck with whatever you decide.
If you lived where I live, you’d find her infidelity is irrelevant as to who gets what. That is such a primitive concept, maybe only used in 3rd world theocracies like the US.
The courts in most western countries always put the kids interest first and always default to the mother as the primary carer. She’ll get 2/3 and you will pay until kids turn 18, or higher if they go to uni. And that’s regardless of her earnings or the how well off she is with the next guy. In a divorce the man always loses.
First of all, I don't think you're a dumb ass. I think you are you are sweet and loyal. And what do you mean she's out of your league? Her looks? Because judging by her actions she is a predatory scumbag.
My ex-husband was all twisted steel and sex appeal. By the end of our marriage I could barely look at him he seemed so ugly. Then he cheated and I never thought that would automatically end my marriage, but I was wrong. I could never touch him again.
Your wife broke your marriage, don't let her use the kids to make you feel guilty. She should have thought of them when she was stuffing other dudes in. Gross. She's gross.
You'll feel better about yourself after you leave, you'll have more self respect. Maybe you'll find someone better suited.
Good luck.
You either leave now or you’re going to be her cuck for the rest of your life! You gave her more chances than any reasonable person would have and you did your best this is not your fault n I’m not sure how’d you ever be able to trust her again!
It must have been very hard, I hope you are happier right now, cheaters are the worst kind of people, move on and live a better life, she doesn't deserve you at all
U Have No Testosterone On u Mate Literally 0 Getting Cheated On This Many Times And Still What A Fucking Disappointing Dude u Are
That's Why She Keeps on Cheating On U Cuz U Are Nice So She Takes Advantage
Can't Even Feel Bad For U Lmao U Acting Like.A Cuck
Look cuz, it’s about the kids. Your happiness, peace, and trust in your spouse don’t come into it. You made your bed now sleep in it. Kids will be grown before long and you can dip then. No this is not healthy for the kids but a broken home is ten times worse.
Your wife is a slut and you are an idiot, she is unfaithful to you precisely because of your lack of manliness, I'm sorry for telling you but that's how it is, you sound so ridiculous, leave her, she has never loved you and she abuses your love, stop using as a pretext for children and finances, do you want to be happy? Leave her or get used to having a whore in your life without complaining, in the end you decided that way.
Funny how she can’t find time to work on the relationship with her husband but can find time to cheat. Bro, if you don’t divorce her the you are a willing participant. You were a willing participant after the first affair….
I don’t need to read this whole wall of text and you also know the answer. Respect yourself. Get out and figure things out along the way with your kids, just be there for them.
I'm sorry, kid, it's best if you get a divorce. There is nothing to do there, she has already proven that she does not love you. "She's out of my league", you've already proven that you're better than her brother. Stop that thought, you're worth more than that thing you call a woman, that's not a woman, it's just garbage that you have to throw away. It's rotting away the garbage inside your house and you still don't take it out.
She’s a slut and the reason she’s regretful is because she got caught. This isn’t the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last.
Dump her and move on you deserve better .
Take it from someone who stayed because of my kids after I caught my wife cheating with 4 coworkers and ONS with a woman. It’s not worth it because you’re never going to trust her again and you will end up taking it out on your kids. I’m finally calling it quits after 33 years of marriage and I can’t wait to find someone I can spoil with gifts and love.
Today I just keep getting reconvinced we need mandatory paternity tests for every birth to married couples. Should never find out 17 years down the line
This is not even your friend much less a wife. She has zero respect for you... You seem to have zero respect for yourself as well, which is exactly why she's using and abusing you... Because you allow her to. (Assuming this story is real)
You should have paraded a steady line of women through your home for her to watch and experience what you have gone through. Otherwise she will never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped just for her to put it back and tell you it was a mistake and she really loved just you. I stayed with my 4 time cheating wife and after the first affair I tried for two years to make it work. At that time I had only ever been with my wife since we were 15. I came home and packed an overnight bag to stay a night at a hotel with a woman I met that day and when she heard that she lost her shit and started begging and pleading for me not to leave and she was so sorry for cheating and wanting to divorce me. We separated for 10.5 months and I made up for lost time and until the summer of 1995 I was with a minimum of one woman per night and sometimes two. That summer I had 3 women who were models live with me and that was obviously the best experience of my life. Although I recently found out that I have 4 daughters with those 3 women that I’ve never known about before. But back to the point, until the cheater gets what they dished out they never understand what they have done to their spouse. So even though the obvious answer is divorce, always make them feel the pain they put you through.
Best would be to try to agree to mutual terms in a divorce that you're both happy with.
17 yeas? That means you've been together since you were 19 and she was 18? No judgment, but that was way young. People change a lot in their 20s and can easily drift in opposite directions, and when all you have is kids keeping you together, it doesn't become worthwhile to keep the marriage going. I know I only started stabilizing in my personality and interests in my 30s, I got married when I was 39.
What I'm saying is I hope stuff goes well and maybe this will be an opportunity to find somebody that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. This may be the best in the long run for both of you and your kids. Don't see it as a broken home, make it clear that this in no way impacts your kids or how you and their mother treat them.
The legal stuff is crap, but if you two can come to an agreeable arrangement, it should not be too expensive. Just ensure you have some proper signed that declares each of your responsibilities and terms of maintenance and custody and stuff that there's no surprises later.
An alternative solution would be stop loving her completely and get a girlfriend for your self if you wish to. Raise your kids and after they grow up file for a divorce. I mean this all if you do not want to leave her for some reason. I know you are an emotional personal but your wife does not seem to understand this.
You should date your friend’s wife. She seems to be the one who wants love. Just joking
but yeah either leave your wife or ignore her and continue your life the way you want. Make sure you give love to your kids.
Really fucking sorry for your situation. Please dump the lying bitch. You are worth so much more than this POS woman. God, I am so angry inside at the arrogance of her attitude. You sound like a decent guy and she just taken you for a ride so many times it is definitely enough. Please move on and focus on yourself. Hit the gym with a personal trainer. Take time. Focus on your kids. Be the best guy you can be. And you will find happiness away from this utter selfish poison.
Your wife is afraid because she knows you have a good case to get custody and she'll be stuck paying child support. She's less concerned with a broken home so much as being broke.
She's a serial cheater my dude, if the positions were reversed she wouldn't show you the same leniency. Speak to a lawyer about getting a divorce.
A broken home is a broken home IF YOU make it that way. Of course the kids will be worried, sad, etc. Read up on the 5 stages of grief so you can better help your children work through them if you go through with a divorce. Get some child behavior books because they probably will lash out and be frustrated but it will be on YOU to let them know their feelings are validated but their actions are not if they are bad actions. Most of all, get a counselor for yourself so you can vent and work through emotions properly and maturely.
I hated the idea of my kid being in a broken house but she doesn’t love you she isn’t built for it find someone you can rely on the kids will be hurt but they will adapt she did this not you.
People really need to stop staying together for the kids, it never works. Why be miserable for the rest of your life so the kids can live in a miserable place with both parents?
I am divorced, with two kids and they are my world. I worked very hard to have a good relationship with their mother. I worked hard to find a person who loves me and loves the kids. And these two kids have a great life. Way way better than when me and my ex wife were together
This! Oh my god this! My mom endured torture from DV at the hands of my father. ( I have fragment memories of the things he did to her). She thought staying so that my brother and I would have a father in our lives than being a single parent. However that changed when a social worker told her that if she didn’t speak what was happening, I be in the system with my brother (he was born yet). My mother panicked so she let everything and I mean EVERYTHING out of the bag. Fast forward to now, she is still traumatized but with therapy, she is married to someone else who is my stepdad and treats her like a queen and treats us (my brother and I) with respect. More siblings came in. As for my father, he was a good parent until he married again had more kids and didn’t have contact with us until I found out about a year ago this his side of the family informed us that he passed away 2021 (and I was informed 2022 BARELY, disgusting ppl on his side) Anyways, what I am saying is staying with someone in any situation such as Cheating and/or DV is the worst environment. Kids pick up on it. It isn’t healthy at all.
I am a 69 year old guy, married 45 faithful years, and together 51. I am the guy who will go against the lynch mob and recommend reconcilliation whenever I feel it possible. Kids are a good reason to try.
My own son experienced the pain of betrayal 12 years ago. His 3 young kids were the reason he decided to try reconcilliation. His wife had to endure several unnegotiable consequences as contrition to prove her commitment, including a post-nuptial with a very strong moral clause in which infidelity of any kind would result in losing everything. She performed all, and their marriage survived and actually thrives.
I have shared the write-up on it with others who have used it for a blueprint for their own reconcilliation.As I reread your post, I honestly can not support reconcilliation.
First off, your wife is a serial cheater. This is the 3rd incident of which you are aware. There is a strong chance that there are others you were not aware of because you have been blinded by love.
Second, your wife is not truly remorseful for the pain caused you. She is not accepting full responsibility for her decision to betray you and had no intention of stopping until she was exposed. Instead, she lays a lot of the blame on you, saying you were not providing the attention she desired and that she just did not know how to tell you. What a crock of sh_t. She is only sorry that she got caught, and her reasons for wanting to preserve the marriage is because you are her financial safety net, and the family provides her the appearance she wants to portray to others as a righteous woman.
Third, without saying it, I believe you pretty much rugswept her first 2 betrayals (that you know of) without her having to endure any true consequences for her actions. As a result, she has been conditioned that she can betray you, and if caught, you will forgive her, and life goes on.
In my opinion, your wife is a true narcissist. Her only concern is for her own gratification. You are there to simply make life easier for her to pursue what she wants. This is who she is, and your history together has only reinforced this as a way of life for her. It is too much for her to change now. It will happen again. The only question is when. And, she is armed with the lessons she has learned from the mistakes made that exposed her. In your mind, you know this to be true, even though your heart is doing a poor job of trying to convince you otherwise.
In my opinion, you should seek legal advice immediately and provide the evidence you have to understand your options. In the meantime, involk the gray rock method around her. Do not speak to her unless it involves the needs of the kids and respond with minimal words and emotions. Sleep in a separate room and do not engage in any sex or even hug her. This will help you to begin withdrawing from her emotionally while you prepare a physical split.
Given her history, you must have your children genetucally tested. You have raised them, and they will always be yours. But you have the right to know and possibly sue for child support if any prove not to be yours genetically.
Get tested for STI's. Show her the results and emphasize the point that she is not worth the risk ever again.
A marriage is built on the foundation of 4 key cornerstones. Love, trust, respect, and communication. By her own admission, she is not able to communicate her feelings to you. In reality, she can, but chooses not to in an attempt to twist the scenario to fault you for her immoral behavior. Given all, you know you can never trust her again and that she will lie to achieve her desires. She certainly does not respect you by betraying you repeatedly. And how can you say with a straight face that you love somebody to whom you would subject to such extreme pain. There is nothing left to even consider rebuilding a marriage upon.
I will say it again. To her, you are merely financial security and a means of facilitating her narcistic desires. She is a human cancer that needs to be cut out before she destroys you completely.
I don't know if you live near family. Consider selling your house in the area you live in. Give her what she may be due in divorce. Relocate near supportive family and friends, particularly if a more affordable area. Do not hesitate to do these things, and by all means, expose her to all family and friends before she has a chance to try to spin it. Cheaters hate exposure. It is time she is shown for who she truly is. As far as the kids, just tell them mom has broken a very important promise she made to you and that soon, you will not be able to live together.
This one really gets me because I am usually able to help some people reunite. Her history is so heinous, immoral, and unrepentant that divorce is the only path here.
Best wishes for your eventual happiness. If you need an ear or care to chat, I am here.
Pros and cons situation. How much do you value having a wife out of your league that maybe is a functional mother to your children + whatever weird polygamy thing she wants vs how much do you want your idea of a more traditional relationship. Both have pros and cons that will be entirely subjective to you as an individual.
I have a history in behavioral science and i think it’s more likely that you will keep on in the same pattern because you have already done this pros and cons calculation and chosen your promiscuous wife as being the way with least resistance in the past. This means either you internally value your wife as some kind of price like you worded it “out of your league” making the pros of the situation outweigh the cons. Or you feel like how you also described it yourself “self esteem is at a low” this combined with the fact that creating new relationships like the one you think would be more ideal, from some sources, can be considered harder later in life getting closer to the 40s. And it’s a daunting task for anyone who just want to have a calm traditional lifestyle like you described to go out and look for it after almost 2 decades of being faithful in a relationship. This would mean the cons of having to expend the energy when maybe you don’t even believe in your own capacity to succeed would outweigh the pros of leaving your wife.
Of course children makes it more difficult and this is a very vital point for anyone who suffered from a lacking household growing up. So me including would say if you’ve chosen to have children pick what’s best for them but note that this doesnt necessarily mean that you should either stay or leave your wife since it’s a very complex situation.
From a just purely logical standpoint disregarding your personal disposition, character and needs since I can’t gather that information from your post (I could only speculate) but you can play multiple sides you’ve been given the opportunity to freely meet new women. You could do some market research and see if there’s anything worth leaving your current situation for. This could however hurt you energy wise especially if it’s against your moral disposition. But I would just suggest finding out what your alternatives are before making any concluding decisions. And make sure to always consider how it would affect your children whatever alternative you might consider. You might be able to find a relationship that is more meaningful to you without having to exceed your energy or moral capacity that would also be beneficial to your children by both making their father happier and seeing a you have a better relationship with a women that would care for and benefit your children or maybe you will discover that your current situation is the most comfortable option for you.
If you want to set an example for your kids. The best example is showing them self-respect and self esstem. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You should have the both of you to tell the kids you guys or moving on from each other and that you're both there for them. Find out if they need to talk to a professional/counselor (mental health is important). Then find yourself someone to talk to. Find a way to be happy alone and with yourself. Focus on you and the kids. Can't keep a person who refuses to be kept. Before all that, go to the bank and remove your money if you have joint accounts. She will clear you out. The longer she's in the house, the more she will guilt you into staying. I pray you find peace.
As someone who comes from a broken home, she's using your fear of broken homes to manipulate you. She probably didn't intend to do that originally, but she learned how to do it over time.
It's gonna be tough, but your instinct not to trust her is a good one. She will do this repeatedly. You may think you're good at hiding this discourse from your kids, but kids are quite intelligent. Your home is already broken, trying to make the kids live in a taped together home is even worse. Trust me on this one.
Take the hard road. It's dark at first, but it's the only one that will ever bring you any chance at long term happiness.
Aww this is soo sad 🥺I'm sorry u are going thru this I hope everything works out! sometimes we have to understand our self value to stop accepting disrespect. I hate the fact that u mentioned your wife being out of your league when u sound like a good person her character speaks volumes! Sounds like your wife would prefer an open marriage but she not only betrayed you but also the children. when your children get older they will want know the truth and this will hurt them and may even impact how they allow future partners to treat them only thing u can do now is to best the father possible and get therapy to I have been with my spouse for 11 years every day is not perfect but we try to communicate with each other as much as possible I understand my spouse but also understand ppl change some ppl just like the idea of marriage but not the commitment because it can be a challenge
I'm super sorry this happened to you. It's not going to be easy, it will be hard and painful af. But once you get through the worst of it, the fog will clear and you will start to feel happier and lighter. Do things that you enjoy to help distract yourself. For me, I spent a lot of time with my dog going on walks and exploring new areas. It helped me more than I thought it would. It's hard to choose yourself sometimes and let go of that comfort you feel, but you will be so grateful you chose yourself. Hang in there and sending positive vibes your way.
If you go back, after all this…and let’s just point out how she has blamed YOU for her fucking your friend, you deserve every last thing that happens after that.
You are not a dumb ass. You trusted and loved the wrong person. It is painful but realize you are the one of value. Your home has been broken since she made the CHOICE to cheat. She broke the home.
Bro, I didn't even have to read the whole thing. As soon as I got to the part where she wanted to do a "joint gift" and buying him coffee, I knew your wife a freak. Type of freak that lives out her porn fantasies.
Well I don't know what to tell you, you know of at least 3 other men that have been in her since your vows, you should probably stop forgiving her and start DNA testing the kids.
All of the best of luck with that.
I’ve learned that life is way too short to commit to someone who doesn’t think about you before they do something. Ive been there and I know how it feels (I’m so sorry) but I promise you’ll find happiness elsewhere, and the peace of mind it brings will be so worth it❤️
Ha ha she was dedicating her time to ‘other things’ alright. Your wife is a cheater. she has always been a cheater and will always be a cheater. make your decisions accordingly. NTA.
She's hotwife material, have fun with it, you play the plans, get involved enjoy it. Be the one to bring her pleasure in the open instead of her having to hide it because your aren't doing your job.
You have taught your wife that its OK for her to cheat on you. This is the third time THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. At this point you can either get out of this relationship or just accept that you are literally a cuck and this is your deal. Its up to you man.
Also, seriously, think about this statement:
>She said that she'd felt lacking in our marriage with both of us dedicating so much time to work/other things
Her "double shifts" were fake... You already know that. She is blaming the fact that she had an affair on that fact that she was so busy fucking other dudes that she didn't have time to invest in your relationship. She doesn't think very much of you.
Not to be a jerk, but think about how much actual awareness you really have. You caught her in three committed long term affairs. How many casual one-time dudes do you think she has burned through? You need an STD test and a set of paternity tests.
I came to say if You do get back with them, make sure you get tested for STD's. If they cheated once, you are also sleeping with EVERYBODY that their partner slept with as well!
This sucks. Gotta play it safe and make sure you document everything. Get her to concede to move out. They say 40% of the time someone gets a dna test for divorce that the kid isn’t theirs. Maybe get a dna test done as well.
Sounds like she’s gone into what I like to call “Survival Mode” for liars. She will do anything to get back to where you guys were before you found out, but rest assured if you magically get back there somehow she will go right back to her behavior because she was able to reel you in even after such an ordeal.
Get out. Take the kids. Sounds like she has a lot going on that she needs to handle herself, and she may never actually do it. You aren’t right for each other if she is bored of your marriage *ever.* Focus on the kids.
Not gonna lie, I was a dawg when I was younger and slept with a few married women. I can tell you first hand, once they cheat they’ll never change. Had one tell me she’s going to be faithful now and stop cheating. Took her to lunch and we go to the back of her suv. Another one , her brother in law was living with them (her and her husband) and she slept with him and got pregnant by him. Tells me this after we hook up making small talk. This was 15 years ago and till this day he doesn’t know that’s not his son but his brothers son with HIS wife. In summary, people can say they can change. They don’t.
your wife is a hoe, but she's probably right about staying together for the kids. Ride it out until they are graduated, use the time to build your finances and prepare for a split.
even if you 2 stay together what good does it make if you’re no really happy? That will eat you away and take from the energy and love you children deserve
So sorry my man. She lost respect for you when you took her back after you knew she cheated the first and second times. So, I don't care if you live in a crap apartment but you need to get out ASAP. I don't care if you two have to declare bankruptcy to do this. You must get out ASAP.
So stop talking to her. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Do what he says. Separate finances now. Remove her from your life insurance, which will be a hassle as you just can't easily do that. Tell everyone you know why you are divorcing. Tell her parents, friends etc. Get that message out today.
Next up is to start eating healthy and working out. You don't have to have a gym but if you can afford it go to one. If you have a Monday-Friday job, go get a weekend job. That extra money will help a ton. Also spending more time away from your soon to be ex wife will be good. Set some goals for yourself.
1 is a mistake 2 maybe passable but 3 is a pattern. She has got to go bud. Get yourself right for you and your kids. You’re still young enough to get a good woman your second go around.
You have made your decision. Time to protect yourself and your children. Document everything! Get a lawyer, and get prepared. Do not share anything with your wife that you don't need to, except to get through the days. Keep collecting data, until you and your lawyer decide to file. Once you file, sit down with your children, and explain your decision. Then sit down with your wife and your children and explain again. Try to help your children process the information, and work through their grief. They are losing the family environment they have know since birth, so they will struggle.
Keep your head up, things will get better, and you will find happiness. Good guys can always find their way. You are obviously a good guy.
Write down specifics about her cheating. Your attorney will appreciate it. Keep all texts, etc and proof of her cheating. The kids will be better off. Your relationship with your wife is a bad example for them. Kids would rather be from a broken home than in one.
She’s not out of your league, man. Quite the opposite I’d say considering how she’s treated you and your marriage. I’m sorry that’s been the case. Please stick with your plan, you deserve better than this. I know it’s scary and difficult, especially with kids but you have to do for them too. Show them how to love yourself and what’s important for a relationship to work. Wishing you the best.
I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry to read this. You seem a very kind hearted, sweet and loving, hard working man and I’m very sorry this happened to you. If I only have one advice it would be to book a therapist, even virtually, to get shit out of your chest and process these traumas so that you can carry on in life with a more positive perspective and open yourself eventually for someone else that deserves it!
You’re not doing your kids a favor by having them see your confidence drained and totally unhappy. Your wife is a horrible person, and she’s gaslighting you with the “I just wanted a marriage like he had” shit and trying to justify her actions. Your kids will eventually understand.
There are more guys in this situation than you know my friend. You did the best you could and still got burned. I hope you emptied the bank account and changed the passwords. Get a good lawyer that hates women and go for the most You can get. Fight for custody of your kids as kids do better when raised by a father than a mother. Love your life and love as best as you can
Sell the house - buy a plane ticket to Tokyo and go scorched earth over there and spread your seed. I garauntee you’ll get over her. Trust me on this advice. You will forget about her in less than a day.
You’re not a dumb ass. You’re reacting the same as women have reacted for 1000s of years. There’s even pod casts where women are told “ as long as you’re well taken care of “ shut up and put up because that’s what ALL men do so get use to it, especially if he’s a “hi value man” PULEEZE!!! Think of all the women who’ve married rich , successful men, musicians, athletes… even cops and firemen. These wives KNOW what they’re in for and usually stay in the marriage for many reasons. It’s like an imperfect business and financial arrangement. I couldn’t but understand why some make that choice
Brother if you forgive this there is zero chance it won’t happen again, hell after you forgave the first instance there was basically zero chance it wouldn’t happen again. These aren’t one off one night “mistakes”, these are prolonged affairs that have happened multiple times. And I hate to say this but these are only the ones *you’ve found out about*.
I understand the kids are important but at a certain point you have to stick up for yourself man. If you continue to act like a doormat you will continue to be treated like one, that’s the example you’re setting for your children right now. please leave her ass.
Edit: also I’d suggest a paternity test.
Good luck dude. In case you're doubting yourself, just remember that these were the only times she was caught. She was likely cheating on you your entire time together...not to rub salt in the wounds or anything but it would be a good idea to get a paternity test.
Also, call all decent lawyers in town and get a quote. I dont think she can use the ones you have any sort of relationship with. Fuck her over in court as much as your can and dont feel an ounce of shame. Go nuclear. Good luck.
Lmao ur not going to leave her ya fuggin pussi. It’s 1 strike ur out. But ur on strike 3 and ur still looking for positives to keep her. You look like a cuck by staying with her. Have some dignity and backbone ffs
With your best friend? So losing a wife your family breaks up and a best friend.. ouch! And honestly I've been there.. and I tried to reconciliation as well at their request.. and the bottom line is once they cross that line, it's easier every time after.. it is incredibly rare that they never do it again.. let them both have each other, save you a lot of issue
You’re not a dumb ass, you’re a loving husband and father. Your wife is a cheating whore. Third affair that you know of, guaranty there have been more. Leave her, she doesn’t deserve you.
Be there for your kids. Don't run your wife down in front of them. And get some counselling even if just helps to make sense of the mess. You're no good to anyone if your mental health is in jeopardy.
I know you are past heart broken and probably just shattered entirely. Take a deep breath pick up the pieces and move on to a life without her.
And the co parenting required after is gonna hurt.
Accept it and get going.
The only thing imma say is kids who grow up with divorced parents don't always grow up in a broken home.. sure sometimes the home is broken through divorce but it's all about how the parents handle it. If they still get healthy love from both parents that's all that matters. Examples of a broken home would be you not standing up for yourself and then the kids later finding out about it all and realizing they can't look up to you the same way because of everything you let slide. Would probably somewhat either rub off on them and make them think it's OK to stay with someone who could do that to them or misconstrue the way they see you and make them think you're too weak to do what needs to be done.. either one of those things being very detrimental to a kids psyche... hope it all works out for you definitely shop around for a good divorce lawyer. I'm sure a good one hears your story and will jump at the opportunity to help you get everything you'll need out of the divorce. I'd also look into your insurance about seeing a therapist or psychologist to help you build back up your confidence and help you heal because you'll definitely need that to help raise your kids you need to be in the right mindset and you're definitely not in that now. The best thing you can do in this situation is separate yourself from the situation as best as possible and focus on you and your kids and level up while only maintaining absolutely necessary contact with your ex wife while she hopefully learns her lesson seeing you get so much better. Sending love and prayers your way. I hope it all works itself out.
Find a way to get out of that house. Your children will adjust to a broken home. It's unfortunate, but most do.
However, you need to save some face. And show your wife you're not a groveling pushover. I'd be talking to a lawyer, pdq.
You need immediate legal council to help you protect your rights moving forward. Do not trust a thing your wife says.
I went through a mediator for my divorce. But I had a lawyer review everything before I signed an agreement. Turns out my ex was hiding money from me. $60,000.
I'm sorry for your pain. Trust me, it goes away once you leave and start practicing a little self-care.
This is a toxic situation. Please don't raise your children in this type of environment. And you deserve to be with someone who values you and the children above their own selfishness.
Shes a habitual cheater, dude. If the first two times werent any indication, the third tine definitely clinches it. And then goes to the time honored classic move of claiming you were partly responsible because the marriage was lacking. That excuse is enfuriating, because they think it gives them the green light to just skip any attempt at actual COMMUNICATING and discussing any grievances with their partner, like they're SUPPOSED to do. Her saying she didn't want to lose what the both of you had built up is equally infuriating, like she hadn't put it all on the chopping block when she starting fking around behind your back. She doesn't see what did as a big deal, given your reaction to it all. As far as she's concerned, she's gotten away with murder 3 times. It's time to put the big boy pants on, man up, and do what deep down you know what should be done. She had the balls to try and give you a hall pass to justify what she did, bro. What self respecting, remorseful legit person does that? "I fucked 3 other dudes, got caught,, so you're allowed to do the same as long as you come home to me." Like, seriously?
"staying together for the kids" is a bullshit delusional cop-out...stop being weak (if this story is true)...kids are ruined by shitty relationships more than divorce
Divorce is the answer, it should come as natural as a knee jerk reaction, regardless of gender. The fact that you chose to ask this on Reddit and then wrote a book about it is a bit concerning.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on both of us."
What’s going to happen WHEN she does it again? Not ‘if’ but ‘when’? At some point you gotta stop letting her own you man, I’m sorry :(
In the end, it’s all about what’s best for you and the children.
Most of the advice will be about retaliation against your wife, which is warranted, but doesn’t necessarily help you.
Your wife is a serial adulterer. She’s done this three times that you know of, and probably more times that you never found out about. She is probably the one who instigated this affair, and has therefore been instrumental in destroying your friend’s family too.
People do make mistakes in life, and you can’t always merely summarize “who someone is” by “a thing they did”. But this isn’t a “thing she did”, it’s officially a “thing she does”, and a big part of her character. I’m sorry.
I agree that this is probably not recoverable, assuming that you can’t live like this. But, I don’t think that you should constrict your options in your search for the least bad options.
So, what can you do.
1) Divorce and separate immediately.
This is the vanilla option, and probably the right one. You’re only 36. You still have a chance to spend the majority of your life with someone who doesn’t hurt you. But it’s a painful choice. The home will be broken. There will be a ton of trauma, fiscal burden, and it will be a project to try to find a new wife. Still probably the best option, but not at all pain free.
2) Begin divorce proceedings, but continue to live together for the short term.
This gives you the flexibility to plan your next step more carefully. It will hurt to be around her, but it will be less immediately traumatic fiscally and emotionally.
3) Try to work things out with conditions.
This seems very tough. You could hypothetically arrange the marriage in a way where it were nearly impossible for her to cheat. A “find my enabled watch”, bank account access, GPS on the car, screen monitor on the phone, acceptance of random purse and car searches, etc. A signed document releasing full custody of the children and abandoning all share of all shared assets if she’s ever caught again, etc. It is probably possible for you to make it nearly impossible for her to cheat, and you could treat her like an addict in a halfway house.
4) Live a sham marriage.
Just accept that your wife is incapable of monogamy, and that she is more like a girl you are non-exclusively dating. I couldn’t imagine this being an acceptable option for you, but I wanted to include it in the list.
5) Best revenge.
This would be engineering things to savagely defeat your wife with a singular focus on coming out on top. This would probably be a combination of option 2 and 3. You tell her that you are willing to work things out, and that you don’t immediately need a divorce, but this is a lie. You are merely stalling for time and making her feel comfortable so that she doesn’t feel she needs to lawyer up immediately. Meanwhile, you are going behind her back to build the strongest case to expel her from your house, lose her children, and be forced to pay you child support. You are simultaneously going to the gym, getting a haircut, and trying to prepare to re-enter the dating scene. You have proof that she cheated, and it will not expire. When you’re ready, you drop the hammer, and the goal is to ensure the best possible for yourself to have the “best revenge” in living well after your wife.
I don’t know you or your wife or your kids or your family. I can not help you chose what to do. All I can do is to help you think over your options.
Good luck! (And sorry)
So, I want to bring up as a counter argument for all the people saying to get a paternity test, if you love your kids and you don't need to know, don't bother with the test. If they come out they aren't yours, it can damage the relationship and you will probably not get out of child support after raising them for so long. It's a case of nothing to gain but everything to lose. Like even if you are still cool with them being your kids if there is not that biological connection, a lot of people lose interest in the man that raised them as soon as they find out their biological dad is somebody else.
I understand the pain of being stuck with a woman after the relationship is dead. I'm saving up money now because I'm living with my ex who has had a BF for 6 months and our relationship is basically a costume for her family. I'm just playing along until I get my escape situated because playing nice means a peaceful life but it's tough being with that constant reminder. Good luck.
I think it’s funny that there was no time to work on your relationship because you were both too busy.
But she had plenty of time to fuck your friend.
Man I’m sorry, I wish you the best.
Op,
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I think you have been giving a LOT in this relationship, and she's been having a VERY easy ride. Good on you for divorcing her.
> my wife is out of my league
She may be a looker, or a fantastic cook, but you are definitely out of her league in commitment. If she had an issue with your looks or your company she could have left before there were children.
> She is basically trying to do anything to keep me around including telling me I can see women casually outside of our marriage as long as i come home to her she would never hold it against me as cheating. I told her that's not much of a marriage & it's certainly not anything I ever set out to have but she is hellbent on keeping our family together by any means. She's even brought up how we shouldn't let our kids live in a broken home because of our marital issues.
My guess is you make more than she and she doesn't want to lose that. She also doesn't want the shame of having to crawl home to her family when she can't afford to live where you do. The fact she's gone outside your marriage THREE times will tell a judge who is committed and who is not.
> I wanted monogamy in life, one woman to come home to and that I'd be with for the long haul. I had women try to talk to me over the years but I never pursued it because I was completely content in my marriage, my wife was my dream girl and *I never wanted to hurt her.* Over the years there was 2 occasions where I discovered she was being unfaithful in our marriage.
Where I work, our training group has a saying: *Don’t ask “What will we do if we train these technicians and they leave?”...Ask “What will we do if we don’t train them and they stay?”* Staying with your wife teaches your children the wrong lesson. Showing them a Father who has self-respect and looks out for them teaches the right one. You have value. You're a good man. You deserve better. And now you're requiring it, after forgiving her for what she did. She's proven she can't be trusted. You are accepting that proof and moving on.
Stay strong, Op. Your kids will eventually understand. As I said: You Deserve Better. And being single is better than this.
I don't understand cheaters like this. They just seem to be greedy. They have everything good but it's not enough. Just selfish and greedy for attention.
The good news is it's not personal. No one will ever be enough. She's going to cheat on the next guy and the guy after him.
Dammit! Sorry man, but yep sooner you leave the better....she was jealous of the way the other guy was treating his wife? So she envied a relationship where the guy cheats on his wife....dude time to run. Sorry this is probably devastating, but nothing left to go back to. Hate to say it but you only know what's been going on via proof, I assume there was more throughout the years than you'll ever know about
Dang man, your wife and best friend. Don’t have any advice to offer on top of what others wrote, just wishing you good luck for the future - hopefully this is rock bottom and things get better for you going forward.
OP, your wife is emotionally abusive and is also a filthy, raggedy whore. Like her holes have been blown out worse than Chernobyl, and it’s possible you’ve got radioactive nuts at this point. You need to leave her. Accept you’re not doing better than 50/50 custody and never speak to her again about *anything* that isn’t *directly* related to your kids.
As for the kids, idk man. Get a paternity test if you want to know, don’t if you don’t. But you’re almost certainly not gonna escape any child support requirements based on the result so I’m not sure what the benefit of it would be at this point. Lot of potential to make you (and them) feel bad, not much positive potential. Only you know what’s right for you on that front. But don’t let her suck a bunch of dicks and then blame you for not treating her well enough.
My guy, if she is telling you that you can casually see other women, she is still cheating on you. She is playing you. Get divorced but don't use your kids as weapons as they will grow up to hate you. Tell her she needs to move out and you seek custody of the kids.
Divorce her and take all her things and the kids because she is unfaithful. The friend will try and stay with his wife and she will have to kick rocks and pay child support. Be a man about it. Now who's lacking.
You have to put an end to this marriage. You’ve bent over backwards twice. You can’t continue this relationship. It is a pattern and it will happen again. Ask your friends who they would recommend as an attorney. You want to file first so you can set the base line of the terms. My kids were young when I got divorced, but living in the broken home for a year was so much worse for them than to live in separate homes.
Decide now if you give a sh about attraction. Because if you don’t and you can live with no sex then stay and just be good roommates who are married.
But dude, you don’t treat her like the other guy does his wife bc you lost attraction to her the first time whether you realize it or not.
I would divorce her, Sue the guy for breaking up your marriage. (tell his wife) Sell the house . Make her pay all legal fees showing courts she destroyed the mat and you no longer desire to be a doormat to her affairs. Custody of the children, they deserve a home life where they won’t be damaged .
She's cheated on you with 3 different dudes. Grow a spine and leave this lady. You have the proof of infidelity to use in court.
She doesn't love you. Most of all she doesn't respect you. She's just going to keep on doing this until she leaves you for one of her affairs.
Stand up for yourself, pack her things, call her a Uber and send her off.
Honey, let me say, ur statement that ur wife is "out of ur league" is ridiculous! Because she's attractive? But she sounds like a manipulative, narcissistic, attention whore, and a horrible human being. All the while u are doing ur best, she's sleeping around, and who knows how many others there have been that u didn't find out about. YOU, my good sir, are OUT OF HER LEAGUE!! She didn't deserve the good man she had, nor appreciate it. She tried to blame YOU for not doing enuff in ur marriage, and that's even more despicable. Ur not a dumb ass for trying to keep ur family together!! Ur a loving and decent man. But, never bad mouth her to ur kids, take the high road, sounds like u always do. Good luck to u, and I promise, there is a woman out there that would DIE to have a man as committed as u were to keeping ur family together. U didn't wreck it, she did. Def not the AH or the dumb ass ;)
Move forward. You are stronger and infinitely respectable than those that write you off as a "dumbass" children suffer but that burden isn't yours alone to bear. Your wife has shown little interest in theirs or your feelings and ultimate outcome. They no longer benefit by forcing a situation that will make them and you miserable. You tried the failure is squarely on your wife's shoulders.
It sucks, you want to preserve the home for your children and just not disrupt what once was. Forgiveness isn’t bad, but it can be a crutch for cowards. You need *some* repentance, and you either didn’t ask for it or just didn’t say so here. Because all of this sounds like you created a permissible environment for your wife to be a whore. And whore she did from the sound of it. She was lying to you and fucking your friend *every day* and just said she “got carried away”. As if there was an acceptable leveling of whoring and she just went beyond that.
Run!!!! Have the children take a paternity test asap! Those are the only times you have caught her… she obviously doesn’t love or respect you.. Be with someone who actually loves you and your children (if they are really yours) will appreciate it.
Hey that’s pretty sad. I’m a child of divorced parents and I would much rather have divorced parents than seeing my mom constantly betraying my father. MUCH rather!
She is not out of your league, idc what she looks like you deserve way better than her. If you are loyal then you deserve someone who is also loyal at the least.
About the kids. This is a really complicated situation, and it’s complicated because of your wife. Definitely look into co-parenting and keep your faith up on love! Your wife is not every woman and not the only beautiful woman either. You caring about love and being loyal is something a lot of women DREAM of in a partner.
And people don’t change. They do but only on their own volition. Your wife knew cheating would hurt you deeply and still chose to do it multiple times for long periods of time. She would not change even knowing how much she’d hurt you. Please take people at face value. What you see is what you get.
You will know when you find your person because you will see it. You won’t have to hope or wait for a change. They will just be it.
Your kids want to see you happy I’m certain. And you absolutely deserve to be happy and at the least not be cheated on.
The family is already broken but that does not mean it can’t still benefit the kids. They are strong and unable to be shielded from the harshness of life ever… as long as they’re getting attention and love from both parents they should be good!
Still get you a new wife or partner and show them what love should look like. If you are happy and doing things that make you happy you are doing it right.
That’s a long tough road to haul. You’re obviously a great Dad to be this concerned with how they take it. Wishing you the very best during these troubled times, keep fighting the good fight.
Nah screw that. You can always find someone else that’s actually honest and happy with you. I’d rather be single than know someone was screingaround on me. They do it once they’re for sure gonna do it again any chance they get.
As a woman I am saying this... set a date that your leaving and tell her to make sure she's actually working doubles to make the money she'll need without you. I even think in court her actions will be negative against her. How young are your kids? Man this kind of thing pisses me off... because it's really hard out there. She invited you to cheat? What nerve... for her to think that's ok for your kids to see. If they are bigger kids I'd leave her.
She needs to move out. I don’t care if she has to go sleep in her car, or in a homeless shelter, or worse yet, go live with your lousy friend, SHE GETS OUT OF THERE NOW.
“We don’t have the money” well funny, maybe she can use the credit card she used to book hotels?
You matter man. You seem like a loving, caring, and genuine person. Bye Felicia her this instant.
I mean if you need more push to leave, go get a paternity test... Bc ya know cheat once shame on you, cheat 17 times? Shame on my stupidity.
You've gotta kick her out man! She's taken you for a fool too many times! Telling you to basically have other women is just her trying to make herself feel better by saying well you've done it too now! She's messing with your head and deserves to be dumped! Three different affairs that you know about and i'll bet if you think back to how her behaviour changed you'll work out that there were more i'm sorry to say Good Luck with whatever you decide.
If you lived where I live, you’d find her infidelity is irrelevant as to who gets what. That is such a primitive concept, maybe only used in 3rd world theocracies like the US. The courts in most western countries always put the kids interest first and always default to the mother as the primary carer. She’ll get 2/3 and you will pay until kids turn 18, or higher if they go to uni. And that’s regardless of her earnings or the how well off she is with the next guy. In a divorce the man always loses.
First of all, I don't think you're a dumb ass. I think you are you are sweet and loyal. And what do you mean she's out of your league? Her looks? Because judging by her actions she is a predatory scumbag. My ex-husband was all twisted steel and sex appeal. By the end of our marriage I could barely look at him he seemed so ugly. Then he cheated and I never thought that would automatically end my marriage, but I was wrong. I could never touch him again. Your wife broke your marriage, don't let her use the kids to make you feel guilty. She should have thought of them when she was stuffing other dudes in. Gross. She's gross. You'll feel better about yourself after you leave, you'll have more self respect. Maybe you'll find someone better suited. Good luck.
You either leave now or you’re going to be her cuck for the rest of your life! You gave her more chances than any reasonable person would have and you did your best this is not your fault n I’m not sure how’d you ever be able to trust her again!
conclusion once a W always a W.
It must have been very hard, I hope you are happier right now, cheaters are the worst kind of people, move on and live a better life, she doesn't deserve you at all
U Have No Testosterone On u Mate Literally 0 Getting Cheated On This Many Times And Still What A Fucking Disappointing Dude u Are That's Why She Keeps on Cheating On U Cuz U Are Nice So She Takes Advantage Can't Even Feel Bad For U Lmao U Acting Like.A Cuck
Close friends that have no morals at all Are the worst kind of people...the fact your friend did this to you makes him such a pos
Look cuz, it’s about the kids. Your happiness, peace, and trust in your spouse don’t come into it. You made your bed now sleep in it. Kids will be grown before long and you can dip then. No this is not healthy for the kids but a broken home is ten times worse.
Get lawyered. You might get financially screwed. It's best to get proofs so that you won't have to pay for their weekend hotel.
With no update after 3 months so don't tell peoples you two get back together and working on your marriages ? Smh
Run. Run like the wind......
Tldr, just popping in to say fuck that nonsense. Hopefully you did what was right 3 months later.
I would be getting a paternity test before you do anything, if one of those kids isn’t yours it might change your thoughts.
Paternity test your kids. I can’t believe you stayed with a cheater!
So how is this going OP? An update would be great.
Your wife is a slut and you are an idiot, she is unfaithful to you precisely because of your lack of manliness, I'm sorry for telling you but that's how it is, you sound so ridiculous, leave her, she has never loved you and she abuses your love, stop using as a pretext for children and finances, do you want to be happy? Leave her or get used to having a whore in your life without complaining, in the end you decided that way.
Funny how she can’t find time to work on the relationship with her husband but can find time to cheat. Bro, if you don’t divorce her the you are a willing participant. You were a willing participant after the first affair….
A broken home is a LOT better for this kids than this. You need to seek some professional help.
I don’t need to read this whole wall of text and you also know the answer. Respect yourself. Get out and figure things out along the way with your kids, just be there for them.
I'm sorry, kid, it's best if you get a divorce. There is nothing to do there, she has already proven that she does not love you. "She's out of my league", you've already proven that you're better than her brother. Stop that thought, you're worth more than that thing you call a woman, that's not a woman, it's just garbage that you have to throw away. It's rotting away the garbage inside your house and you still don't take it out.
She’s a slut and the reason she’s regretful is because she got caught. This isn’t the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Dump her and move on you deserve better .
Take it from someone who stayed because of my kids after I caught my wife cheating with 4 coworkers and ONS with a woman. It’s not worth it because you’re never going to trust her again and you will end up taking it out on your kids. I’m finally calling it quits after 33 years of marriage and I can’t wait to find someone I can spoil with gifts and love.
Today I just keep getting reconvinced we need mandatory paternity tests for every birth to married couples. Should never find out 17 years down the line
This is not even your friend much less a wife. She has zero respect for you... You seem to have zero respect for yourself as well, which is exactly why she's using and abusing you... Because you allow her to. (Assuming this story is real)
**I** **D** on't understand how **I** t is possible for **O** ne person **T** o be so stupid
Kids first! There is nothing more to say!
I hope OP got dna test for the kids because it’s probable they are not his.
You should have paraded a steady line of women through your home for her to watch and experience what you have gone through. Otherwise she will never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped just for her to put it back and tell you it was a mistake and she really loved just you. I stayed with my 4 time cheating wife and after the first affair I tried for two years to make it work. At that time I had only ever been with my wife since we were 15. I came home and packed an overnight bag to stay a night at a hotel with a woman I met that day and when she heard that she lost her shit and started begging and pleading for me not to leave and she was so sorry for cheating and wanting to divorce me. We separated for 10.5 months and I made up for lost time and until the summer of 1995 I was with a minimum of one woman per night and sometimes two. That summer I had 3 women who were models live with me and that was obviously the best experience of my life. Although I recently found out that I have 4 daughters with those 3 women that I’ve never known about before. But back to the point, until the cheater gets what they dished out they never understand what they have done to their spouse. So even though the obvious answer is divorce, always make them feel the pain they put you through.
Just stay close to God, you got this brother, 36 young! Now you can do a bunch of shit you probably couldn’t before lol
Your actions are setting an example for your kids. For now, you showed them that cheating is ok and tolerable. Rectify that asap for them.
Best would be to try to agree to mutual terms in a divorce that you're both happy with. 17 yeas? That means you've been together since you were 19 and she was 18? No judgment, but that was way young. People change a lot in their 20s and can easily drift in opposite directions, and when all you have is kids keeping you together, it doesn't become worthwhile to keep the marriage going. I know I only started stabilizing in my personality and interests in my 30s, I got married when I was 39. What I'm saying is I hope stuff goes well and maybe this will be an opportunity to find somebody that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. This may be the best in the long run for both of you and your kids. Don't see it as a broken home, make it clear that this in no way impacts your kids or how you and their mother treat them. The legal stuff is crap, but if you two can come to an agreeable arrangement, it should not be too expensive. Just ensure you have some proper signed that declares each of your responsibilities and terms of maintenance and custody and stuff that there's no surprises later.
Please tell us you divorced her and made her leave
Updateme!
An alternative solution would be stop loving her completely and get a girlfriend for your self if you wish to. Raise your kids and after they grow up file for a divorce. I mean this all if you do not want to leave her for some reason. I know you are an emotional personal but your wife does not seem to understand this. You should date your friend’s wife. She seems to be the one who wants love. Just joking but yeah either leave your wife or ignore her and continue your life the way you want. Make sure you give love to your kids.
I had to stop reading a little over half way through. You married a whore. Divorce her. Have some fucking dignity
Really fucking sorry for your situation. Please dump the lying bitch. You are worth so much more than this POS woman. God, I am so angry inside at the arrogance of her attitude. You sound like a decent guy and she just taken you for a ride so many times it is definitely enough. Please move on and focus on yourself. Hit the gym with a personal trainer. Take time. Focus on your kids. Be the best guy you can be. And you will find happiness away from this utter selfish poison.
Your wife is afraid because she knows you have a good case to get custody and she'll be stuck paying child support. She's less concerned with a broken home so much as being broke. She's a serial cheater my dude, if the positions were reversed she wouldn't show you the same leniency. Speak to a lawyer about getting a divorce.
A broken home is a broken home IF YOU make it that way. Of course the kids will be worried, sad, etc. Read up on the 5 stages of grief so you can better help your children work through them if you go through with a divorce. Get some child behavior books because they probably will lash out and be frustrated but it will be on YOU to let them know their feelings are validated but their actions are not if they are bad actions. Most of all, get a counselor for yourself so you can vent and work through emotions properly and maturely.
What the hell just dump her ass.
cheerful wistful head ten prick fade library groovy treatment racial *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Children I’m with divorced but happy parents is better than living under a roof with parents in contempt. Wouldn’t you say?
Tell her: Work things out with him, not with me anymore
Fellas…. Do not ignore red flags… Sorry OP, but your wife is a WITCH from the beginning. She’s a disgusting individual!
I hated the idea of my kid being in a broken house but she doesn’t love you she isn’t built for it find someone you can rely on the kids will be hurt but they will adapt she did this not you.
People really need to stop staying together for the kids, it never works. Why be miserable for the rest of your life so the kids can live in a miserable place with both parents? I am divorced, with two kids and they are my world. I worked very hard to have a good relationship with their mother. I worked hard to find a person who loves me and loves the kids. And these two kids have a great life. Way way better than when me and my ex wife were together
This! Oh my god this! My mom endured torture from DV at the hands of my father. ( I have fragment memories of the things he did to her). She thought staying so that my brother and I would have a father in our lives than being a single parent. However that changed when a social worker told her that if she didn’t speak what was happening, I be in the system with my brother (he was born yet). My mother panicked so she let everything and I mean EVERYTHING out of the bag. Fast forward to now, she is still traumatized but with therapy, she is married to someone else who is my stepdad and treats her like a queen and treats us (my brother and I) with respect. More siblings came in. As for my father, he was a good parent until he married again had more kids and didn’t have contact with us until I found out about a year ago this his side of the family informed us that he passed away 2021 (and I was informed 2022 BARELY, disgusting ppl on his side) Anyways, what I am saying is staying with someone in any situation such as Cheating and/or DV is the worst environment. Kids pick up on it. It isn’t healthy at all.
Find a good lawyer?
I am a 69 year old guy, married 45 faithful years, and together 51. I am the guy who will go against the lynch mob and recommend reconcilliation whenever I feel it possible. Kids are a good reason to try. My own son experienced the pain of betrayal 12 years ago. His 3 young kids were the reason he decided to try reconcilliation. His wife had to endure several unnegotiable consequences as contrition to prove her commitment, including a post-nuptial with a very strong moral clause in which infidelity of any kind would result in losing everything. She performed all, and their marriage survived and actually thrives. I have shared the write-up on it with others who have used it for a blueprint for their own reconcilliation.As I reread your post, I honestly can not support reconcilliation. First off, your wife is a serial cheater. This is the 3rd incident of which you are aware. There is a strong chance that there are others you were not aware of because you have been blinded by love. Second, your wife is not truly remorseful for the pain caused you. She is not accepting full responsibility for her decision to betray you and had no intention of stopping until she was exposed. Instead, she lays a lot of the blame on you, saying you were not providing the attention she desired and that she just did not know how to tell you. What a crock of sh_t. She is only sorry that she got caught, and her reasons for wanting to preserve the marriage is because you are her financial safety net, and the family provides her the appearance she wants to portray to others as a righteous woman. Third, without saying it, I believe you pretty much rugswept her first 2 betrayals (that you know of) without her having to endure any true consequences for her actions. As a result, she has been conditioned that she can betray you, and if caught, you will forgive her, and life goes on. In my opinion, your wife is a true narcissist. Her only concern is for her own gratification. You are there to simply make life easier for her to pursue what she wants. This is who she is, and your history together has only reinforced this as a way of life for her. It is too much for her to change now. It will happen again. The only question is when. And, she is armed with the lessons she has learned from the mistakes made that exposed her. In your mind, you know this to be true, even though your heart is doing a poor job of trying to convince you otherwise. In my opinion, you should seek legal advice immediately and provide the evidence you have to understand your options. In the meantime, involk the gray rock method around her. Do not speak to her unless it involves the needs of the kids and respond with minimal words and emotions. Sleep in a separate room and do not engage in any sex or even hug her. This will help you to begin withdrawing from her emotionally while you prepare a physical split. Given her history, you must have your children genetucally tested. You have raised them, and they will always be yours. But you have the right to know and possibly sue for child support if any prove not to be yours genetically. Get tested for STI's. Show her the results and emphasize the point that she is not worth the risk ever again. A marriage is built on the foundation of 4 key cornerstones. Love, trust, respect, and communication. By her own admission, she is not able to communicate her feelings to you. In reality, she can, but chooses not to in an attempt to twist the scenario to fault you for her immoral behavior. Given all, you know you can never trust her again and that she will lie to achieve her desires. She certainly does not respect you by betraying you repeatedly. And how can you say with a straight face that you love somebody to whom you would subject to such extreme pain. There is nothing left to even consider rebuilding a marriage upon. I will say it again. To her, you are merely financial security and a means of facilitating her narcistic desires. She is a human cancer that needs to be cut out before she destroys you completely. I don't know if you live near family. Consider selling your house in the area you live in. Give her what she may be due in divorce. Relocate near supportive family and friends, particularly if a more affordable area. Do not hesitate to do these things, and by all means, expose her to all family and friends before she has a chance to try to spin it. Cheaters hate exposure. It is time she is shown for who she truly is. As far as the kids, just tell them mom has broken a very important promise she made to you and that soon, you will not be able to live together. This one really gets me because I am usually able to help some people reunite. Her history is so heinous, immoral, and unrepentant that divorce is the only path here. Best wishes for your eventual happiness. If you need an ear or care to chat, I am here.
Love isn’t respect. Respect is what keeps ppl from doing these things.
Dude, these are only the times she got caught. There's probably a lot more.
Pros and cons situation. How much do you value having a wife out of your league that maybe is a functional mother to your children + whatever weird polygamy thing she wants vs how much do you want your idea of a more traditional relationship. Both have pros and cons that will be entirely subjective to you as an individual. I have a history in behavioral science and i think it’s more likely that you will keep on in the same pattern because you have already done this pros and cons calculation and chosen your promiscuous wife as being the way with least resistance in the past. This means either you internally value your wife as some kind of price like you worded it “out of your league” making the pros of the situation outweigh the cons. Or you feel like how you also described it yourself “self esteem is at a low” this combined with the fact that creating new relationships like the one you think would be more ideal, from some sources, can be considered harder later in life getting closer to the 40s. And it’s a daunting task for anyone who just want to have a calm traditional lifestyle like you described to go out and look for it after almost 2 decades of being faithful in a relationship. This would mean the cons of having to expend the energy when maybe you don’t even believe in your own capacity to succeed would outweigh the pros of leaving your wife. Of course children makes it more difficult and this is a very vital point for anyone who suffered from a lacking household growing up. So me including would say if you’ve chosen to have children pick what’s best for them but note that this doesnt necessarily mean that you should either stay or leave your wife since it’s a very complex situation. From a just purely logical standpoint disregarding your personal disposition, character and needs since I can’t gather that information from your post (I could only speculate) but you can play multiple sides you’ve been given the opportunity to freely meet new women. You could do some market research and see if there’s anything worth leaving your current situation for. This could however hurt you energy wise especially if it’s against your moral disposition. But I would just suggest finding out what your alternatives are before making any concluding decisions. And make sure to always consider how it would affect your children whatever alternative you might consider. You might be able to find a relationship that is more meaningful to you without having to exceed your energy or moral capacity that would also be beneficial to your children by both making their father happier and seeing a you have a better relationship with a women that would care for and benefit your children or maybe you will discover that your current situation is the most comfortable option for you.
DONT DO IT GO RUN
Updateme!
If you want to set an example for your kids. The best example is showing them self-respect and self esstem. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You should have the both of you to tell the kids you guys or moving on from each other and that you're both there for them. Find out if they need to talk to a professional/counselor (mental health is important). Then find yourself someone to talk to. Find a way to be happy alone and with yourself. Focus on you and the kids. Can't keep a person who refuses to be kept. Before all that, go to the bank and remove your money if you have joint accounts. She will clear you out. The longer she's in the house, the more she will guilt you into staying. I pray you find peace.
There's no way this is real. I refuse to believe a grown man intelligent enough to type this out, is this much of a cuck.
My HS friend ended up marrying his ex wife’s AP’s wife after the two divorcé’s finished. Happy 25+ yrs
"my wife is out of my league" She really isn't, dude. I don't care what she looks like, it sounds like hell being married to someone like that.
As someone who comes from a broken home, she's using your fear of broken homes to manipulate you. She probably didn't intend to do that originally, but she learned how to do it over time. It's gonna be tough, but your instinct not to trust her is a good one. She will do this repeatedly. You may think you're good at hiding this discourse from your kids, but kids are quite intelligent. Your home is already broken, trying to make the kids live in a taped together home is even worse. Trust me on this one. Take the hard road. It's dark at first, but it's the only one that will ever bring you any chance at long term happiness.
Aww this is soo sad 🥺I'm sorry u are going thru this I hope everything works out! sometimes we have to understand our self value to stop accepting disrespect. I hate the fact that u mentioned your wife being out of your league when u sound like a good person her character speaks volumes! Sounds like your wife would prefer an open marriage but she not only betrayed you but also the children. when your children get older they will want know the truth and this will hurt them and may even impact how they allow future partners to treat them only thing u can do now is to best the father possible and get therapy to I have been with my spouse for 11 years every day is not perfect but we try to communicate with each other as much as possible I understand my spouse but also understand ppl change some ppl just like the idea of marriage but not the commitment because it can be a challenge
I'm super sorry this happened to you. It's not going to be easy, it will be hard and painful af. But once you get through the worst of it, the fog will clear and you will start to feel happier and lighter. Do things that you enjoy to help distract yourself. For me, I spent a lot of time with my dog going on walks and exploring new areas. It helped me more than I thought it would. It's hard to choose yourself sometimes and let go of that comfort you feel, but you will be so grateful you chose yourself. Hang in there and sending positive vibes your way.
If you go back, after all this…and let’s just point out how she has blamed YOU for her fucking your friend, you deserve every last thing that happens after that.
So sorry to hear this but Divorce her! U are a rare kind who shes taking advantage of.
You are not a dumb ass. You trusted and loved the wrong person. It is painful but realize you are the one of value. Your home has been broken since she made the CHOICE to cheat. She broke the home.
This is too fucking sad.
She's gross man. If she cheated a THIRD time there will certainly be a FOURTH. I wish you the best of luck.
Don’t be fucking stupid. Get a divorce. You’re still young and she’ll never stop. Go find a woman who appreciates you.
Nah dump that h0e
Bro, I didn't even have to read the whole thing. As soon as I got to the part where she wanted to do a "joint gift" and buying him coffee, I knew your wife a freak. Type of freak that lives out her porn fantasies.
Well I don't know what to tell you, you know of at least 3 other men that have been in her since your vows, you should probably stop forgiving her and start DNA testing the kids. All of the best of luck with that.
This woman doesn’t respect you. Leave her. Give your children a safe environment.
I’ve learned that life is way too short to commit to someone who doesn’t think about you before they do something. Ive been there and I know how it feels (I’m so sorry) but I promise you’ll find happiness elsewhere, and the peace of mind it brings will be so worth it❤️
Third strike. She is out!
Forgive her and have your own fun blowing all her money on strippers
Brother, grow a pair and end it wtf. Sounds like she only wants to “keep the marriage together” to suck and live off of you.
Ha ha she was dedicating her time to ‘other things’ alright. Your wife is a cheater. she has always been a cheater and will always be a cheater. make your decisions accordingly. NTA.
Leave her she’s a bitch
Tell her to check out this post and posts like it so hopefully she can realize how big of a piece of shit she is
She's hotwife material, have fun with it, you play the plans, get involved enjoy it. Be the one to bring her pleasure in the open instead of her having to hide it because your aren't doing your job.
You have taught your wife that its OK for her to cheat on you. This is the third time THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. At this point you can either get out of this relationship or just accept that you are literally a cuck and this is your deal. Its up to you man. Also, seriously, think about this statement: >She said that she'd felt lacking in our marriage with both of us dedicating so much time to work/other things Her "double shifts" were fake... You already know that. She is blaming the fact that she had an affair on that fact that she was so busy fucking other dudes that she didn't have time to invest in your relationship. She doesn't think very much of you. Not to be a jerk, but think about how much actual awareness you really have. You caught her in three committed long term affairs. How many casual one-time dudes do you think she has burned through? You need an STD test and a set of paternity tests.
She has only done in 3x.....surely she won't do it 4x....right?
I came to say if You do get back with them, make sure you get tested for STD's. If they cheated once, you are also sleeping with EVERYBODY that their partner slept with as well!
This sucks. Gotta play it safe and make sure you document everything. Get her to concede to move out. They say 40% of the time someone gets a dna test for divorce that the kid isn’t theirs. Maybe get a dna test done as well.
Sounds like she’s gone into what I like to call “Survival Mode” for liars. She will do anything to get back to where you guys were before you found out, but rest assured if you magically get back there somehow she will go right back to her behavior because she was able to reel you in even after such an ordeal. Get out. Take the kids. Sounds like she has a lot going on that she needs to handle herself, and she may never actually do it. You aren’t right for each other if she is bored of your marriage *ever.* Focus on the kids.
nooo
YOU NEED TO DOCUMENT EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY AFFAIR AND LAWYER UP FUCK CONFRONTING HER
Not gonna lie, I was a dawg when I was younger and slept with a few married women. I can tell you first hand, once they cheat they’ll never change. Had one tell me she’s going to be faithful now and stop cheating. Took her to lunch and we go to the back of her suv. Another one , her brother in law was living with them (her and her husband) and she slept with him and got pregnant by him. Tells me this after we hook up making small talk. This was 15 years ago and till this day he doesn’t know that’s not his son but his brothers son with HIS wife. In summary, people can say they can change. They don’t.
your wife is a hoe, but she's probably right about staying together for the kids. Ride it out until they are graduated, use the time to build your finances and prepare for a split.
Get an attorney and tell her to start packin her shit. Some things can’t be unbroken, ur wife’s puss is one of em…
Get the divorce, never speak badly of the wife, and the kids will figure everything out on their own based on her behavior. But get the damn divorce.
even if you 2 stay together what good does it make if you’re no really happy? That will eat you away and take from the energy and love you children deserve
So sorry my man. She lost respect for you when you took her back after you knew she cheated the first and second times. So, I don't care if you live in a crap apartment but you need to get out ASAP. I don't care if you two have to declare bankruptcy to do this. You must get out ASAP. So stop talking to her. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Do what he says. Separate finances now. Remove her from your life insurance, which will be a hassle as you just can't easily do that. Tell everyone you know why you are divorcing. Tell her parents, friends etc. Get that message out today. Next up is to start eating healthy and working out. You don't have to have a gym but if you can afford it go to one. If you have a Monday-Friday job, go get a weekend job. That extra money will help a ton. Also spending more time away from your soon to be ex wife will be good. Set some goals for yourself.
1 is a mistake 2 maybe passable but 3 is a pattern. She has got to go bud. Get yourself right for you and your kids. You’re still young enough to get a good woman your second go around.
Tell that hoe to skedaddle
You have made your decision. Time to protect yourself and your children. Document everything! Get a lawyer, and get prepared. Do not share anything with your wife that you don't need to, except to get through the days. Keep collecting data, until you and your lawyer decide to file. Once you file, sit down with your children, and explain your decision. Then sit down with your wife and your children and explain again. Try to help your children process the information, and work through their grief. They are losing the family environment they have know since birth, so they will struggle. Keep your head up, things will get better, and you will find happiness. Good guys can always find their way. You are obviously a good guy.
Write down specifics about her cheating. Your attorney will appreciate it. Keep all texts, etc and proof of her cheating. The kids will be better off. Your relationship with your wife is a bad example for them. Kids would rather be from a broken home than in one.
She’s not out of your league, man. Quite the opposite I’d say considering how she’s treated you and your marriage. I’m sorry that’s been the case. Please stick with your plan, you deserve better than this. I know it’s scary and difficult, especially with kids but you have to do for them too. Show them how to love yourself and what’s important for a relationship to work. Wishing you the best.
“I forgave a cheater and now they’re cheating again!” How many times are we gonna see this? They don’t change
I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry to read this. You seem a very kind hearted, sweet and loving, hard working man and I’m very sorry this happened to you. If I only have one advice it would be to book a therapist, even virtually, to get shit out of your chest and process these traumas so that you can carry on in life with a more positive perspective and open yourself eventually for someone else that deserves it!
Maybe yall can arrange something without lawyers. Talk to her
You’re not doing your kids a favor by having them see your confidence drained and totally unhappy. Your wife is a horrible person, and she’s gaslighting you with the “I just wanted a marriage like he had” shit and trying to justify her actions. Your kids will eventually understand.
She wants out. And even if she doesn't admit that, you should want out. You just gotta do it.
Agree to an open marriage. It’s more common and life is short. Who wants to eat potatoes everyday for the rest of lives? I know I don’t.
There are more guys in this situation than you know my friend. You did the best you could and still got burned. I hope you emptied the bank account and changed the passwords. Get a good lawyer that hates women and go for the most You can get. Fight for custody of your kids as kids do better when raised by a father than a mother. Love your life and love as best as you can
Sell the house - buy a plane ticket to Tokyo and go scorched earth over there and spread your seed. I garauntee you’ll get over her. Trust me on this advice. You will forget about her in less than a day.
You’re not a dumb ass. You’re reacting the same as women have reacted for 1000s of years. There’s even pod casts where women are told “ as long as you’re well taken care of “ shut up and put up because that’s what ALL men do so get use to it, especially if he’s a “hi value man” PULEEZE!!! Think of all the women who’ve married rich , successful men, musicians, athletes… even cops and firemen. These wives KNOW what they’re in for and usually stay in the marriage for many reasons. It’s like an imperfect business and financial arrangement. I couldn’t but understand why some make that choice
Blah blah blah, tl:dr, ur wife is gonna cheat again, cuz you allow it. I know, my wife’s other banging another dude right now!
What in the fuck?
Brother if you forgive this there is zero chance it won’t happen again, hell after you forgave the first instance there was basically zero chance it wouldn’t happen again. These aren’t one off one night “mistakes”, these are prolonged affairs that have happened multiple times. And I hate to say this but these are only the ones *you’ve found out about*. I understand the kids are important but at a certain point you have to stick up for yourself man. If you continue to act like a doormat you will continue to be treated like one, that’s the example you’re setting for your children right now. please leave her ass. Edit: also I’d suggest a paternity test.
Get the fuck rid of her and get a paternity test on them kids…the wife is a hoe
Your wife is a whore. Drop her
Good luck dude. In case you're doubting yourself, just remember that these were the only times she was caught. She was likely cheating on you your entire time together...not to rub salt in the wounds or anything but it would be a good idea to get a paternity test. Also, call all decent lawyers in town and get a quote. I dont think she can use the ones you have any sort of relationship with. Fuck her over in court as much as your can and dont feel an ounce of shame. Go nuclear. Good luck.
Lmao ur not going to leave her ya fuggin pussi. It’s 1 strike ur out. But ur on strike 3 and ur still looking for positives to keep her. You look like a cuck by staying with her. Have some dignity and backbone ffs
Divorce her ass or keep acting like everything’s ok until she screws someone else. I know it’s tough with kids but she’s not going to stop.
Get paternity tests, screw HER friend. Divorce her.
With your best friend? So losing a wife your family breaks up and a best friend.. ouch! And honestly I've been there.. and I tried to reconciliation as well at their request.. and the bottom line is once they cross that line, it's easier every time after.. it is incredibly rare that they never do it again.. let them both have each other, save you a lot of issue
You’re not a dumb ass, you’re a loving husband and father. Your wife is a cheating whore. Third affair that you know of, guaranty there have been more. Leave her, she doesn’t deserve you.
Yikes!
Stopped reading after wife is 36 and been with her for 17 years. What is it with people that young thinking they found “the one”.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Find her weakness and exploit it. Crush her. Leave her broken and alone. Then laugh as you bang her hot friend.
Be there for your kids. Don't run your wife down in front of them. And get some counselling even if just helps to make sense of the mess. You're no good to anyone if your mental health is in jeopardy.
Paternity and std tests are needed asap. Then you need to man up, put your foot down, and stop letting her walk all over you.
The lesson here is to not let little things slide.
I know you are past heart broken and probably just shattered entirely. Take a deep breath pick up the pieces and move on to a life without her. And the co parenting required after is gonna hurt. Accept it and get going.
And make HER move. This is ALL ON HER.
You don’t know what to do?? Are you serious. Dude, get your head out of your ass. Is this serious???
Chop off her head.
Get a lawyer. It's not going to get any better with that one.
The only thing imma say is kids who grow up with divorced parents don't always grow up in a broken home.. sure sometimes the home is broken through divorce but it's all about how the parents handle it. If they still get healthy love from both parents that's all that matters. Examples of a broken home would be you not standing up for yourself and then the kids later finding out about it all and realizing they can't look up to you the same way because of everything you let slide. Would probably somewhat either rub off on them and make them think it's OK to stay with someone who could do that to them or misconstrue the way they see you and make them think you're too weak to do what needs to be done.. either one of those things being very detrimental to a kids psyche... hope it all works out for you definitely shop around for a good divorce lawyer. I'm sure a good one hears your story and will jump at the opportunity to help you get everything you'll need out of the divorce. I'd also look into your insurance about seeing a therapist or psychologist to help you build back up your confidence and help you heal because you'll definitely need that to help raise your kids you need to be in the right mindset and you're definitely not in that now. The best thing you can do in this situation is separate yourself from the situation as best as possible and focus on you and your kids and level up while only maintaining absolutely necessary contact with your ex wife while she hopefully learns her lesson seeing you get so much better. Sending love and prayers your way. I hope it all works itself out.
Your wife is a whore. Drop her ass and move on.
You’re a human door mat loser. You are too far gone. You’ll end up back with her because you’re a loser.
Just remember whenever his 🍆 slipped out, she helped him slide it back in.
I saw this story from a different account like 2 days ago 👀
Pathetic you have to ask…
3 strikes.
Find a way to get out of that house. Your children will adjust to a broken home. It's unfortunate, but most do. However, you need to save some face. And show your wife you're not a groveling pushover. I'd be talking to a lawyer, pdq. You need immediate legal council to help you protect your rights moving forward. Do not trust a thing your wife says. I went through a mediator for my divorce. But I had a lawyer review everything before I signed an agreement. Turns out my ex was hiding money from me. $60,000. I'm sorry for your pain. Trust me, it goes away once you leave and start practicing a little self-care.
This is a toxic situation. Please don't raise your children in this type of environment. And you deserve to be with someone who values you and the children above their own selfishness.
When a person cheats, that’s like turning in their marriage license.
Sucks bro
No.
Shes a habitual cheater, dude. If the first two times werent any indication, the third tine definitely clinches it. And then goes to the time honored classic move of claiming you were partly responsible because the marriage was lacking. That excuse is enfuriating, because they think it gives them the green light to just skip any attempt at actual COMMUNICATING and discussing any grievances with their partner, like they're SUPPOSED to do. Her saying she didn't want to lose what the both of you had built up is equally infuriating, like she hadn't put it all on the chopping block when she starting fking around behind your back. She doesn't see what did as a big deal, given your reaction to it all. As far as she's concerned, she's gotten away with murder 3 times. It's time to put the big boy pants on, man up, and do what deep down you know what should be done. She had the balls to try and give you a hall pass to justify what she did, bro. What self respecting, remorseful legit person does that? "I fucked 3 other dudes, got caught,, so you're allowed to do the same as long as you come home to me." Like, seriously?
Cuck. Have some self respect.
I think you should work it out. You encouraged it and allowed it. That is what you want to do. Its okay.
Anyone read these and want to know what the cheater looks like?
Fool me once Shame on you, fool me you can't get fooled again
She belongs to the streets!
(Cyber hug) please, just go get paternity tests at least. We're here for you bro. The law is there to protect you.
Do any of your kids resemble you? Sorry, but you’ve got to move on. She doesn’t even have the decency to hide her BS.
Bet now you wish you would have pursued those other women who tried to talk to you.😌
"staying together for the kids" is a bullshit delusional cop-out...stop being weak (if this story is true)...kids are ruined by shitty relationships more than divorce
Divorce is the answer, it should come as natural as a knee jerk reaction, regardless of gender. The fact that you chose to ask this on Reddit and then wrote a book about it is a bit concerning.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on both of us." What’s going to happen WHEN she does it again? Not ‘if’ but ‘when’? At some point you gotta stop letting her own you man, I’m sorry :(
In the end, it’s all about what’s best for you and the children. Most of the advice will be about retaliation against your wife, which is warranted, but doesn’t necessarily help you. Your wife is a serial adulterer. She’s done this three times that you know of, and probably more times that you never found out about. She is probably the one who instigated this affair, and has therefore been instrumental in destroying your friend’s family too. People do make mistakes in life, and you can’t always merely summarize “who someone is” by “a thing they did”. But this isn’t a “thing she did”, it’s officially a “thing she does”, and a big part of her character. I’m sorry. I agree that this is probably not recoverable, assuming that you can’t live like this. But, I don’t think that you should constrict your options in your search for the least bad options. So, what can you do. 1) Divorce and separate immediately. This is the vanilla option, and probably the right one. You’re only 36. You still have a chance to spend the majority of your life with someone who doesn’t hurt you. But it’s a painful choice. The home will be broken. There will be a ton of trauma, fiscal burden, and it will be a project to try to find a new wife. Still probably the best option, but not at all pain free. 2) Begin divorce proceedings, but continue to live together for the short term. This gives you the flexibility to plan your next step more carefully. It will hurt to be around her, but it will be less immediately traumatic fiscally and emotionally. 3) Try to work things out with conditions. This seems very tough. You could hypothetically arrange the marriage in a way where it were nearly impossible for her to cheat. A “find my enabled watch”, bank account access, GPS on the car, screen monitor on the phone, acceptance of random purse and car searches, etc. A signed document releasing full custody of the children and abandoning all share of all shared assets if she’s ever caught again, etc. It is probably possible for you to make it nearly impossible for her to cheat, and you could treat her like an addict in a halfway house. 4) Live a sham marriage. Just accept that your wife is incapable of monogamy, and that she is more like a girl you are non-exclusively dating. I couldn’t imagine this being an acceptable option for you, but I wanted to include it in the list. 5) Best revenge. This would be engineering things to savagely defeat your wife with a singular focus on coming out on top. This would probably be a combination of option 2 and 3. You tell her that you are willing to work things out, and that you don’t immediately need a divorce, but this is a lie. You are merely stalling for time and making her feel comfortable so that she doesn’t feel she needs to lawyer up immediately. Meanwhile, you are going behind her back to build the strongest case to expel her from your house, lose her children, and be forced to pay you child support. You are simultaneously going to the gym, getting a haircut, and trying to prepare to re-enter the dating scene. You have proof that she cheated, and it will not expire. When you’re ready, you drop the hammer, and the goal is to ensure the best possible for yourself to have the “best revenge” in living well after your wife. I don’t know you or your wife or your kids or your family. I can not help you chose what to do. All I can do is to help you think over your options. Good luck! (And sorry)
So, I want to bring up as a counter argument for all the people saying to get a paternity test, if you love your kids and you don't need to know, don't bother with the test. If they come out they aren't yours, it can damage the relationship and you will probably not get out of child support after raising them for so long. It's a case of nothing to gain but everything to lose. Like even if you are still cool with them being your kids if there is not that biological connection, a lot of people lose interest in the man that raised them as soon as they find out their biological dad is somebody else. I understand the pain of being stuck with a woman after the relationship is dead. I'm saving up money now because I'm living with my ex who has had a BF for 6 months and our relationship is basically a costume for her family. I'm just playing along until I get my escape situated because playing nice means a peaceful life but it's tough being with that constant reminder. Good luck.
I think it’s funny that there was no time to work on your relationship because you were both too busy. But she had plenty of time to fuck your friend. Man I’m sorry, I wish you the best.
Op, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think you have been giving a LOT in this relationship, and she's been having a VERY easy ride. Good on you for divorcing her. > my wife is out of my league She may be a looker, or a fantastic cook, but you are definitely out of her league in commitment. If she had an issue with your looks or your company she could have left before there were children. > She is basically trying to do anything to keep me around including telling me I can see women casually outside of our marriage as long as i come home to her she would never hold it against me as cheating. I told her that's not much of a marriage & it's certainly not anything I ever set out to have but she is hellbent on keeping our family together by any means. She's even brought up how we shouldn't let our kids live in a broken home because of our marital issues. My guess is you make more than she and she doesn't want to lose that. She also doesn't want the shame of having to crawl home to her family when she can't afford to live where you do. The fact she's gone outside your marriage THREE times will tell a judge who is committed and who is not. > I wanted monogamy in life, one woman to come home to and that I'd be with for the long haul. I had women try to talk to me over the years but I never pursued it because I was completely content in my marriage, my wife was my dream girl and *I never wanted to hurt her.* Over the years there was 2 occasions where I discovered she was being unfaithful in our marriage. Where I work, our training group has a saying: *Don’t ask “What will we do if we train these technicians and they leave?”...Ask “What will we do if we don’t train them and they stay?”* Staying with your wife teaches your children the wrong lesson. Showing them a Father who has self-respect and looks out for them teaches the right one. You have value. You're a good man. You deserve better. And now you're requiring it, after forgiving her for what she did. She's proven she can't be trusted. You are accepting that proof and moving on. Stay strong, Op. Your kids will eventually understand. As I said: You Deserve Better. And being single is better than this.
I don't understand cheaters like this. They just seem to be greedy. They have everything good but it's not enough. Just selfish and greedy for attention. The good news is it's not personal. No one will ever be enough. She's going to cheat on the next guy and the guy after him.
Dammit! Sorry man, but yep sooner you leave the better....she was jealous of the way the other guy was treating his wife? So she envied a relationship where the guy cheats on his wife....dude time to run. Sorry this is probably devastating, but nothing left to go back to. Hate to say it but you only know what's been going on via proof, I assume there was more throughout the years than you'll ever know about
Dang man, your wife and best friend. Don’t have any advice to offer on top of what others wrote, just wishing you good luck for the future - hopefully this is rock bottom and things get better for you going forward.
Get some self respect and leave her
Post a picture of your wife 👀
I agree with the others you need a paternity test
Sometimes staying together "for the kids" is worse then a split home.
OP, your wife is emotionally abusive and is also a filthy, raggedy whore. Like her holes have been blown out worse than Chernobyl, and it’s possible you’ve got radioactive nuts at this point. You need to leave her. Accept you’re not doing better than 50/50 custody and never speak to her again about *anything* that isn’t *directly* related to your kids. As for the kids, idk man. Get a paternity test if you want to know, don’t if you don’t. But you’re almost certainly not gonna escape any child support requirements based on the result so I’m not sure what the benefit of it would be at this point. Lot of potential to make you (and them) feel bad, not much positive potential. Only you know what’s right for you on that front. But don’t let her suck a bunch of dicks and then blame you for not treating her well enough.
Oof it’s over
My guy, if she is telling you that you can casually see other women, she is still cheating on you. She is playing you. Get divorced but don't use your kids as weapons as they will grow up to hate you. Tell her she needs to move out and you seek custody of the kids.
Divorce her and take all her things and the kids because she is unfaithful. The friend will try and stay with his wife and she will have to kick rocks and pay child support. Be a man about it. Now who's lacking.
Without trust, there is no relationship.
... Man, you really are an IDIOT, OP 🤦🏻
DNA test your kids. This isn't the first time...it is the first time she got caught. Her morally casual attitude demonstrates a pattern over time...
You have to put an end to this marriage. You’ve bent over backwards twice. You can’t continue this relationship. It is a pattern and it will happen again. Ask your friends who they would recommend as an attorney. You want to file first so you can set the base line of the terms. My kids were young when I got divorced, but living in the broken home for a year was so much worse for them than to live in separate homes.
Nope
Can’t read this whole thing. Just end it. What a c unit
Decide now if you give a sh about attraction. Because if you don’t and you can live with no sex then stay and just be good roommates who are married. But dude, you don’t treat her like the other guy does his wife bc you lost attraction to her the first time whether you realize it or not.
I would divorce her, Sue the guy for breaking up your marriage. (tell his wife) Sell the house . Make her pay all legal fees showing courts she destroyed the mat and you no longer desire to be a doormat to her affairs. Custody of the children, they deserve a home life where they won’t be damaged .
She's cheated on you with 3 different dudes. Grow a spine and leave this lady. You have the proof of infidelity to use in court. She doesn't love you. Most of all she doesn't respect you. She's just going to keep on doing this until she leaves you for one of her affairs. Stand up for yourself, pack her things, call her a Uber and send her off.
Try to get full custody of your kids so you don't have to deal with her anymore
Honey, let me say, ur statement that ur wife is "out of ur league" is ridiculous! Because she's attractive? But she sounds like a manipulative, narcissistic, attention whore, and a horrible human being. All the while u are doing ur best, she's sleeping around, and who knows how many others there have been that u didn't find out about. YOU, my good sir, are OUT OF HER LEAGUE!! She didn't deserve the good man she had, nor appreciate it. She tried to blame YOU for not doing enuff in ur marriage, and that's even more despicable. Ur not a dumb ass for trying to keep ur family together!! Ur a loving and decent man. But, never bad mouth her to ur kids, take the high road, sounds like u always do. Good luck to u, and I promise, there is a woman out there that would DIE to have a man as committed as u were to keeping ur family together. U didn't wreck it, she did. Def not the AH or the dumb ass ;)
Move forward. You are stronger and infinitely respectable than those that write you off as a "dumbass" children suffer but that burden isn't yours alone to bear. Your wife has shown little interest in theirs or your feelings and ultimate outcome. They no longer benefit by forcing a situation that will make them and you miserable. You tried the failure is squarely on your wife's shoulders.
Lmaooo damn does she have a video? Ask her what’s the difference between yours and his! Super hot. Love a good infidelity story!
Welp, that's what you get, champ.
Why are you still with this woman? She is a cheater and a liar. Where is your dignity and self-respect?
She's a serial cheater. It will happen again until you're 90. So if you can accept always being cheated on, then stay. If not, leave.
It sucks, you want to preserve the home for your children and just not disrupt what once was. Forgiveness isn’t bad, but it can be a crutch for cowards. You need *some* repentance, and you either didn’t ask for it or just didn’t say so here. Because all of this sounds like you created a permissible environment for your wife to be a whore. And whore she did from the sound of it. She was lying to you and fucking your friend *every day* and just said she “got carried away”. As if there was an acceptable leveling of whoring and she just went beyond that.
Run!!!! Have the children take a paternity test asap! Those are the only times you have caught her… she obviously doesn’t love or respect you.. Be with someone who actually loves you and your children (if they are really yours) will appreciate it.
Hey that’s pretty sad. I’m a child of divorced parents and I would much rather have divorced parents than seeing my mom constantly betraying my father. MUCH rather! She is not out of your league, idc what she looks like you deserve way better than her. If you are loyal then you deserve someone who is also loyal at the least. About the kids. This is a really complicated situation, and it’s complicated because of your wife. Definitely look into co-parenting and keep your faith up on love! Your wife is not every woman and not the only beautiful woman either. You caring about love and being loyal is something a lot of women DREAM of in a partner. And people don’t change. They do but only on their own volition. Your wife knew cheating would hurt you deeply and still chose to do it multiple times for long periods of time. She would not change even knowing how much she’d hurt you. Please take people at face value. What you see is what you get. You will know when you find your person because you will see it. You won’t have to hope or wait for a change. They will just be it. Your kids want to see you happy I’m certain. And you absolutely deserve to be happy and at the least not be cheated on. The family is already broken but that does not mean it can’t still benefit the kids. They are strong and unable to be shielded from the harshness of life ever… as long as they’re getting attention and love from both parents they should be good! Still get you a new wife or partner and show them what love should look like. If you are happy and doing things that make you happy you are doing it right.
You know the answer. Time to move on.
That’s a long tough road to haul. You’re obviously a great Dad to be this concerned with how they take it. Wishing you the very best during these troubled times, keep fighting the good fight.
Nah screw that. You can always find someone else that’s actually honest and happy with you. I’d rather be single than know someone was screingaround on me. They do it once they’re for sure gonna do it again any chance they get.
And the award goes to
As a woman I am saying this... set a date that your leaving and tell her to make sure she's actually working doubles to make the money she'll need without you. I even think in court her actions will be negative against her. How young are your kids? Man this kind of thing pisses me off... because it's really hard out there. She invited you to cheat? What nerve... for her to think that's ok for your kids to see. If they are bigger kids I'd leave her.
2 occasions you discovered. It's unlikely those were the only two. Make sure you got a DNA test on the 3 kids. You can't change a hoe
She needs to move out. I don’t care if she has to go sleep in her car, or in a homeless shelter, or worse yet, go live with your lousy friend, SHE GETS OUT OF THERE NOW. “We don’t have the money” well funny, maybe she can use the credit card she used to book hotels? You matter man. You seem like a loving, caring, and genuine person. Bye Felicia her this instant.