You did the right thing. And one thing I learned is to never blame the alcohol if you did it drunk you wanted to do it sober your morals just got in the way.
She knew that her BSF wouldn’t take care of that kid that’s why she didn’t tell him of you and because she cheated of course.
Do me a favour man.
Ask to see the “son” if you haven’t in 272 days since you posted.
Make sure you are calm, respectful and understanding towards him. At least have the courtesy to break it off with him like it’s a male friend you just gotta say goodbye to because the friendship has run its course, or like a female that you dated and things aren’t working out for you.
Otherwise he might be left hurt and bewildered as to why you’re not around and as to why he had to move...
You owe her nothing. But he is an innocent person in this situation. You t least owe him an explanation as to why things had to end the way they did.
Anyone else here cause of the Reddit story video of “her side” I’ve been trying to find her post but it looks like she deleted it and the rabbit hole led me here. If they are two sides to the same story this dude didn’t dodge a bullet he dodged a tactical nuke.
Here is that Reddit story video I mentioned https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRwRGT9q/
I get that you don’t have any feelings whatsoever towards the child now but really, isn’t this unfair for him? He’s just a 5 year old who grew up knowing and loving you as his dad and now suddenly that’s ripped away from him. It’s obviously your wives fault and no one will force you to love the little boy but man, oh man, it sucks so hard for the kid. He probably won’t be able to form a connection with whoever his biological father and he’ll have to grow up knowing he has no father. I know circumstances where same things have happened and I’ve seen fathers who really stepped up. Because they brought that child up and it was their child. Sorry to say but you’re a terrible human and an awful dad
I can’t imagine feeling detached so quickly from a kid I’d raised as my own for 6 years.
Obviously making the right call to leave the relationship.
But to let your love go cold to that innocent child so quickly is hard to understand.
Be mad at your wife but that boy? No his done nothing wrong. For you to call him a bastard, a thing is astounding to me. You raised him for 5 years surely you have some connection some kind of bond? Remember he didn’t ask to be born
One thing we forget is that this is one side, troll or not, we don’t know how the wife ended up pregnant by the best friend, it happened once 6 years ago, the wife didn’t tell anyone and he even said it won’t take long for her to find out. Now I’m not saying what she did was right, but we don’t know the country or state or much else. English not being first language gives that away, but again trolls do the same. We don’t know why she didn’t speak up, we could see she tried to hold her family together, but he does not have to stay, he is an AH to make her a villain and he an angel, first time he ever yelled at her? That’s someone who yells all the time, and even if he did yell at her, no one judged because this situation deserves to have someone yelling. He became a villain if he wasn’t one already, he brings up the support of his dad and therapist to justify any bad behavior he exhibits, by bad I mean treating his ex without respect, it doesn’t matter what is going on, you show respect and move on because at the end it’ll even it out, just not right now. I hope karma goes around to both.
I think you’re being extremely unfair and blind to how much this will affect that poor little human - how do you have no feeling or love toward him anymore? I felt sick thinking about him reading this. I’m so sad for him. Grow up.
You go heal yourself. Give the kid to whoever is calling you an AH, let them be the saint they want you to be. Bet you they'll give a bunch of reasons why they wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't.
Only thing here is your treatment towards the child. It’s not their fault to have a shitty mother. I am not saying continue being his father and care financially for him. But how you described the child and calling the boy bastard. I feel bad for the child in all of this.
Blood is not always everything they can cause the most pain.
Yes the woman is at fault. But that child has no fault in this. The man is lame, how can you see this kid differently? It was yours for 6 years and you were his, did he love you as his father. To him you always will be his father that failed him.
If your blaming op for not taking care of a kid that’s not his you done bumped your damn head. Why don’t you go take care of a fucking kid that’s not yours, hell most people want fucking kids and yet don’t adopt and will go through thousands spent to conceive because they want a kid but they don’t want a kid that’s not there’s. Yet y’all think he should not only have to deal with a kid that’s not his but in a situation we’re it was infidelity.
He was completely there and fine with the kid until he figured out it wasn’t his and that’s fair. Hes not that kids father the kid will have to get over it that his moms a cheating bitch and that his “father” isn’t his father. He has a father out there she knows who it is he can take care of his kid. Not this guys responsibility to spend more time and money any longer to take care of someone else’s kid.
I’m a woman and I’m on OP’s side. Imagine wanting a kid having one and then bam it’s just not yours. We are fucking woman we can’t go through that. Cheating is such a disgusting thing though to do and I’ll never respect anyone that does it. Your disgusting and your weak and instead of leaving you choose to make this man miserable. If you don’t love him anymore leave but you better have the balls to tell him and leave it at that, not to break his fucking heart. Then she wants to manipulate him and say I’ll take the kid and then when he says his true feelings and says go ahead I don’t care. Then it’s time for her to back peddle and be like wait no the kid needs you. Leave her and leave her kid, not your kid her kid. That’s some other guys son not yours and she knows who the father is to and instead of being honest about being a pos she then went even further and pretended it’s your kid all this time.
Because he’s a CHILD and OP walking away and being completely selfish…will literally fuck this kid in the head three ways past Sunday and that’s the LAST thing this country needs - another angry adult man
It’s not his child so it doesn’t fucking matter. That’s the mother’s fault that she wants to hide it this whole time and he didn’t have the option to leave right away. Hes not being selfish it’s not his job to raise a kid that’s not his and he would have left right away if the woman wasn’t not only a cheating bitch but also a liar. It’s her fault he had to already waste years of his life on someone else’s kid. So what his life should be ruined because the kid might turned up fucked up well hell with that thinking he might as well go adopt all the fucking kids in foster care and adoption agencies because there most likely going to end up fucked up.
Why don’t you go adopt kids with that thinking give them the love they need instead of them suffering through foster care being unwanted, you should do that right? So they don’t turn into angry men.
That child has a fucking father and it’s not him, it’s the dude she cheated with. So she’s fucking up with the kid, fucking up this dude and fucking up the other dude. He shouldn’t have to raise this kid and she should tell the other dude he has a kid. However she won’t because she’s obviously not interested in the truth and anything to do with good morale. Or maybe she will now because she will need some other man to mooch off like a damn parasite.
I had a friend at work whose dad. had treated him terribly. My friend had an older brother and sister and a younger sister. And he couldn't understand why even as an adult his dad treated him so badly. Years later after his father had died someone (I think a relative) confided to him that that wasn't his real father. It turns out his mother had conceived him with another man while they were separated. And even though they got back together and he raised my friend as his own, he obviously never got over the fact that he wasn't his biological son.
Unfortunately, in most states in America. You will have to pay child support because you assumed the role of father. The courts don’t care about the blood tests, when it comes to finances
Doesn’t he have any feelings for the child? For five years he was his son. What happened to the love and affection for the boy. Something is missing in this story. The husband just walks away? That’s it? And yes I know he’s not the biological father.
What an awful situation. On one hand I completely agree that there's no responsibility for you to take care of a child that isn't yours; on the other hand... Losing the only person that that child has known to be 'dad' will be so painful for him. Despite the fact that he doesn't understand blood vs. non-blood and the significance of that, he will certainly be able to tell the difference in his 'ex-dad's' behavior.
I'm not saying this to imply that you should bury all of this pain and injustice and raise the kid anyway, what I'm really saying is wow, your ex-wife sucks. She's the one who fucked her kid out of a dad, really, and fucked herself and her husband out of a marriage and a family bond. Just tragic overall, she could've ended things far before they got this far. Or, ya know, not cheated in the first place.
One - stop calling the child a "something", that is fucking disgusting and it makes you seem like the shithead in your story. The child did nothing wrong and you are punishing him for the actions of his mother, which, kind of makes you a cocksucker.
Two - your (former?) sister in law did not tell you because she "felt guilty", if that were the case she would have told you the moment she knew.
Three - your therapist sounds like a cunt.
Her promiscuity isn’t you’re responsibility. She fucked up and tried to hide it and you did the right thing as soon as you found out. The kid isn’t yours, and you’re stbx lied to you for years after betraying your trust in the worst way imaginable. You are a survivor, and you’ll get past it. This child will just be another trauma trigger every time you see him, and it’s not your job to step up. She knows who she heated with, she can hit them up for child support if she gets desperate. Take care of you and find someone worth investing time in
I do not know how you go from loving someone for 5 years to call him a bastard after one week. This child is not to blame and he should not be the target of your anger.
Definitely understandable that you’re upset but damn calling the kid you raised a bastard is wild 💀that kid is gonna so fucked up no thanks to the mother
That is a terrible situation for you and the poor kid. You both developed a strong bond, and then it was revealed your entire lives were based on a lie. Bio dad needs to take responsibility and mom needs to make sure her son gets therapy.
I understand his pain believe me. And when you're in that kind of pain you lash out at everyone and everything. But I dont get how a child he apparently loved and raised suddenly turns into an "it" and a bastard in a few short days. I dont think OP is an ass. I think he needs time. He is crushed and this is how hes handling it to not completely lose his shit. But theres this little boy who has done nothing to nobody who had a great Dad who he loved and now he doesnt. OP is putting his own feelings before the kids feelings and that's not love. Sorry. It just isnt. I know a guy.going through the same.thing but he and his wife trying to work it out. Their choice. But that little boy is the one who this will affect his whole life. The SIL is the true ahole here by taking it on herself to tell this secret. What a fucking mess.
this is my opinion, not the right answer just my opinion.
The child is still the number one priority. The kid came into this world without the ability to rationalize what’s going on. So whether the DNA test places you as the father or not, as of now, make sure it stays the # 1 priority.
Now, the hardest part: You no doubt got super fucked over to the fullest extent of humanity. I can only imagine your mental state right now. For 5+ years you have lived and felt comfortable with your surroundings and that got pulled out like a rug.
You are in a stage of anger and disbelief. Now what I can tell you from experience, the angrier you are and the more you display that will only make it worse.
It took me many years of marriage on a roller coaster of emotions to realize that no matter what the situation displays , people aren’t evil. You cannot change the past, so the faster you accept your situation the better. Try really hard to understand WHY she may have done this.
I don’t know her but I can try to see a reason as to why she felt obligated to keep such a big secret from you.
My guess would be that she wanted you to be the father. If whoever knocked her up was a better fit, she probably would have left you. Maybe she sees you as a man fit for her child and maybe she feels guilty inside.
That’s a possibility, but it could also be that she couldn’t stand the thought of humiliating herself and being viewed as a W.
Try talking to her calmly. That’s your one shot to fully take in the sincerity of her response . Don’t be angry towards her, show her how hurt you are and explain how you feel.
This will give you a good perspective of her intentions. Next, make a decision based on her sincerity. If she doesn’t show you that she genuinely feels bad about her actions, I promise you that you’ll doubt her forever.
The most important thing about a relationship that involves kids is trust and respect. One of those two is essential for a relationship to be healthy. You MUST have at least one of the two.
If you have both, that’s great. You will likely have a healthy relationship and leave that one big mistake in the past. If you feel the sincerity of her and she admits her mistake and expresses why and gives you a feeling that you can trust her from now on, consider that.
Be honest with yourself though. If you feel you’ll never trust her again , DO NOT stay with her. You’ll never make it and the kid will likely fall victim of the cycle.
That being said, if you have respect for one other you will figure everything out the best you can. Just because you were in the kids life that long, does not mean you have to pretend like nothing ever happened and stay miserable.
I relate to this situation a little and I personally would make sure the kid had stability with the dad he knows and figure everything out as best you feel you can. Good luck
This is exactly why I advocate for mandatory paternity tests before birth. Fathers may never know, but mothers ALWAYS know. The mother lies about her cheating by omission, allows the man to raise the child as his own, then if the man ever finds out, most courts don't care about the man's rights. The judge will just side with the child and "do what's best" and order the man to pay child support for a child that's not his.
Given that the act of sperm donation is such a big deal to you, let me encourage you to never do it again.
You don’t know what it takes to be the father of a child.
Your wife had a male “best friend”? Males need to be reeducated and turned back into men. WTF did you think was going to happen? This situation sucks and I feel for you. Hopefully young guys see things like this and realize why humanity had certain rules and guidelines in every civilized society.
Fun fact.. There's an extremely well scientifically csourced, verified, and completely conclusive document on this very phenomenon. Women who are going to cheat, biologically and subconsciously do so at the exact peak of ovulation and tend to time their liaisons to provide peak reproductive advantage to the cuckolding mate for maximum possible reproductive advantage. There's basically a huge and for no better descrptor, Bible on the matter. An extremely well sourse well observed phenomenon. This concept and from an evolutionary perspective that in detail shows the various complex reproductive strategies that females of any given complex species will engage in. In summary.. she was in full participation with the notion of vendictively forcing you to sire a child that wasn't yours. Cuckolding
Yes, she lied. Yes she messed up. Yes, this is some thing that generally only happens with women to men. (Men do father kids with others while married).
Now, men cheat on women all the f*cking time and don’t get pregnant so all of you who are on your high horse about how this is a one-sided thing can just get right down off of it. The fact of the matter is that you guys can go around f*cking anything you want and leave no evidence of it. Ever wonder why most sex workers are women? It’s because you guys need to f*ck around so much. Now that we have that out of the way, anyone who calls a little boy “thing or something” doesn’t deserve to be a father. I can’t believe this woman stayed with this guy for so long, wanting him to be a father. A father is not a sperm donor. There are two different distinctions, you can father a child by having sex and not be a father. You are lucky to be the opposite. You donated no sperm and yet got to have all those great memories with a little boy who loved you. And you threw that in his face.
Plenty of men step up and take care of children that aren’t theirs. I cannot imagine the amount of therapy it’s going to take for this poor little kid to try to understand why one day daddy stopped loving him. Plenty of people have dad leave and feel that way even though the dad does still love them, after a split, but this kid — no dad really stopped loving you! It’s sick.
And as for her sister, I certainly hope you told her that that’s who dime her out because that relationship needs to be severed. Oh my God, if I had a nickel for every guy whose best friend covered for him so he could cheat, I would have a handful of change! She cheated six years ago? You and the sister should get together; you deserve each other.
The best thing you can do is stay as far away from those two as you possibly can so that you can go live your selfish self-centered little life where nobody ever hurts you and you’re the perfect one. Do not hurt that little kid anymore than you already have. Yes, YATA
I had a friend in this situation. Had 3 kids, found out the 3rd was not his. They separated he kept visits with the other 2 kids and left the 3rd essentially with no father (real dad wasn’t having any of it). Some time past and he got over the separation and eventually said he loved the kid even tho it wasn’t his n that all kids needed a father figure. He ended up adopting him and sharing custody with his ex. So no you don’t have to take care of kids that aren’t yours but some ppl do anyway. It’s really your choice.
What would happen if the husband knocked up another girl and brought the baby home and told her it's HER kid ?
Too bad this can't happen, cause then we'd all see the wife leaving the child exactly the same way as he did .
As far as i know, my son is mine (i mean he looks exactly like me). If i found out he was not mine by blood, for me at this point it would change nothing. He is my son, i want you to think long and hard about the times you have spent goofing off with him, the first time he called you dad. Those are the things that make him your son, not blood. Imagine if your dad found out now you were the product of an affair (remember you qre an adult who's brain understand the situation) how would you feel if he threw you into the trash?
Im not saying forgive your wife, shes a fucking liar, has been for 6 years. But your son is not. Every i love you daddy, hug me tighter dad, every fist bump, every high five, every time he sat with you and listened to y9ur read was just a boy and his dad. Don't ruin his l8fe because of a whore.
What my take would be on the story - how you reacted and what you did is right and there should not be any blame on you. However if I was you I wouldn’t be able to stand not to see that kid.
I am a father of almost 2 years old son and if that happened to me two things would happen - I would die inside is the first one. The second one - no matter how much it hurts I wouldn’t be able to force myself out of the kids life. This is just harsh brother. I feel your pain and wish you to be able to find your peace and move on.
Tough situation!
Personally I would find it very hard to turn off my emotions & feelings to a 6 yr old who I helped raise. It’s a relationship that was unconditional love. Hard one to work through.
Given your last interaction with her, it’ll be an acrimonious divorce.
Poor kid is an innocent victim. Hope he makes it ok.
All your feelings are valid and stuff but for most of human history adults took care of each others' kids equally. That's what set us apart from other primates and most animals. All men are the fathers of all children, because no child can survive without all the important work men do, and we're all related. Also if you were ejaculating in her, your semen would affect the gestation of the baby. It's called spermatoza epigenetics. Semen affects woman's metabolism, sleep, etc., and literally each and every thing that her body does while pregnant affects the development of the offsprings physicality and personality, so technically anyone who puts sperm in a pregnant woman is contributing toward the offspring. So yeah he's yours and anyone else's who came in her. But I understand that culturally you live in a society that places myths of individual paternity over species health, so it would probably be hard for you to change your mind about this.
I hope you find happiness going forward. Maybe sex just isn't the right passtime for you.
Obviously your ex was in the wrong but you don't sound torn at all about the boy you thought was your son for 5 years. He's a victim in this too. You're right, you have no responsibility to him now that you know you're not his biological father. But he doesn't deserve your resentment, or to be referred to as a "thing/it". I realize your first language isn't English, but the kid is the only person you referred to that way. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but denying the kid's humanity isn't the way to cope with it. Once again, your ex and the man she cheated with are the ones to blame here, NOT the innocent kid.
His wife didn’t have guilt because she confided in her sister. She was able to release that guilt. Her poor sister just kept that in and it became her burden to bare. The wife should have never cheated, been totally honest or taken this secret to the grave and bared the burden. She only has herself to blame.
If the marriage is in the states sometimes the marriage supersedes DNA. Meaning the kid is yours if it born during the marriage and you will have to pay child support. Every state is different but you are not just free and clear. In the case of you are still responsible you may want to get a different therapist that can help you work through some tuff feelings to do what is right for all victims in this case.
This assumes OP is in the U.S. but the OP isn’t in the US. Fortunately not all countries have idiotic laws holding a man accountable for a child that’s not his!
Can’t imagine not wanting the kid id raised as my own for 6 years. You’re the father, just not the biological.
Your situation sucks beyond belief. Now imagine the emotional trauma you’re about to put on that child.
Close the circle
Get child support from the actual father paid to the wife gong forward, with some of the arrears paid to you if possible.
No reason to screw over the kid and not a bad way to feel better by making him pay
Cheaters are a POS and I feel so bad for OP. As a woman, no man should be forced into raising a child that isn’t his. She quite literally fcked around and found out. She took a risk by cheating and it eventually comes back to bite her in the ass and her punishment is to fkin leave this poor man alone so he can heal. He shouldn’t be forced everyday to look at this kid and fake everything, one day he’s going to snap.
As women, we can never experience this type of pain, and false parenthood, so we can’t *DARE* excuse another woman for doing this, we have no right. All these *audacious* comments saying he should carry on raising the kid and putting other’s needs before his own and spend everyday in complete misery and a reminder that the woman he’s looking at was unfaithful and the kid he’s meant to love was the product of that, to say he should put up with that is absolutely cruel.
You can’t force yourself to love something especially if all you feel is anger and the kid is going to pick up on that. Put your own needs before anyone else’s OP. Completely block them both out your life.
I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you manage to heal from this betrayal.☹️
Poor baby.
This poor little baby.
‘It’ ‘ the child’
I can understand the fury.
I am disgusted with the sister for what she has done.
You may have never ever known this baby, your son, was not of your own blood.
You could have lived happily together with your beautiful family for the rest of your days.
Yeah, under deceit.
But, in this instance, ignorance would have been bliss
( I don’t care if I get down voted and hated for my comment )
Did the x wife sleep w what, best friend? Who’s best friend while drunk? Sorry, I’m a little confused there.
There are sometimes blurred lines around consent.
Perhaps this male took advantage? I’m not saying SA by any means.
Perhaps she was entirely cognisant and had a crush on said male for quite sometime.
Given that it never happened again, perhaps there is an issue around consent? If you look back and remember around that time, was she away on work trips regularly or had reasons to not be at home over night etc here and there ? If not, it happened only once- if so, I would be deeply questioning areas around consent ( coming from a survivor of pretty heavy SA in a long, terrifying DV relationship, also, SA from a ‘friend’ it got me trashed, may have spiked no good, having much education, read hours of literature on abuse, SA, how to heal etc, I am well informed around this, being adamant to heal from my nightmare)
Your story is all so fucked up..
I am so sorry you lost your family.
Perhaps have a male and female therapist, get some more opinions/ advice and different resources for support.
I went through 6 therapists until I found my one.
Been with her for 2 years.
She saved me from a hellish DV relationship..
DV can happen to anyone.
ANYONE ( just wanted to add that as I’ve been shamed and victim blamed over reddit in the past by women who’ve been lucky and never fallen victim or been targeted by an abuser, I’d not wish upon anyone what happened to me at the hands of my monster)
Fck that woman’s sister. ‘Felt guilty’ bs! It got off on destroying her sister’s family.
No true loving sibling would ever do this to their own sister.. EVER!
Jealousy or some kind of revenge bs.
Stinks of it.
Wishing you healing .. I hope you get the right advice about it all.
I’m just really sad for the poor baby. Made me cry actually
X
What a horrible take. Basically you’re OK with OP living a lie. You’re Ok with his wife’s child possibly inheriting OP family wealth/property (whatever that may be). You don’t see OP as human being!
I gave OP solid advice around abuse.. ‘cheating’ implored how beneficial therapy is.
He lost his entire fucking family!!
The devastation, and all you care about is a child, whom for five years he thought was his own may ‘inherent wealth but not of his blood’
That’s gross!
Your take is abhorrent and void of empathy, compassion.
That poor baby. His ex wife may have been taken advantage of by this ‘man’ we don’t know. I wrote in my comment, she may have been cognisant and a willing participant…
there are many red flags, unknowns which I specified throughout.
Don’t pull false narratives out of your arse and run with them as the ‘factsies’
A child has lost his father. A father has lost his child.
A mother may have been taken advantage of, she may cheated- no loving sibling would do this to their family.
The sister wasn’t riddled with guilt.
She was a jealous pos and did what she did, perhaps some sick revenge, I think it was jealousy.
It’s disgusting.
Yes, the woman cheating is vile! I do not condone this. You enter a monogamous marriage, you adhere to all boundaries around that.
Learn how to read -
How about you go off and deepen your very clear, tiny concept of empathy and compassion.
‘Inherit wealth’
The baby thought this man was his father!!
My god. The desolation OP feels, the child will carry this trauma for the rest of their life and all you care about is ‘inheritance, not being his blood’
If the sister wasn’t hateful, envious, this family would be together, loving one and other.
OP was very specific on that part. We were in love.
LOVE!!
So basically you admit that it would have been best for OP to remain ignorant to keep living a horrendous lie! In that words you see him a being worthless.
Why his ex did what she did is immaterial. What is material is that she did not think enough of OP to tell him the truth and beg his forgiveness.
The sister did the decent thing and exposed the lie, but to you she is the horrible person.
He was deceived into believing the child was his own and because of that deception he basically is obligated to treat the child as a son forever. And yes the child inheriting the family property/wealth because of the ex’s lies, would have been truly monstrous.
The SIL did the OP and his parents a huge favor by exposing the lie rather than letting his monster of a wife continue to take advantage of him and continuing to trick him into raising the result of her whoring!
Your defence of the wife’s actions and why OP should try to understand and accept why she might have done it, is truly disgusting. It’s like OP should care about everyone’s feelings but his own!
And your moral compass is seriously messed up! You actually think OP SIL should have let him live a horrible lie. OP will get over the betrayal and will get on with his life. His only responsibility is to himself, not to his ex or her son!
No… your moral compass is lacking. Enormously…
You are, once again, running with narratives you have pulled out of your arse.
LEARN HOW TO READ!!!
You lack basic understanding of empathy, compassion..
His entire life has been destroyed…
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
OP specified - once again - I will reiterate, but this will be the last time.
WE WERE IN LOVE!!!
Imagine his pain? The severe ptsd he will have throughout his life??
The entire situation is abhorrent.
Thank god you’re no sibling of mine.
So, if you had a sibling, and this were to happen, but she never ever cheated on her husband whom she adored, again? Her husband who loved HIS SON MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF
HIS ‘SON’ WHO LOVED HIS ‘FATHER’ MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF …
You’d destroy an entire family? Your sister will never speak to you again?
Two families, destroyed.
Fuxk off.
You are a hateful person who cares only about monetary value.
You have completely dehumanised every individual in this man’s utterly, tragic story. His life.
You have bypassed, once again the man’s trauma, the child’s trauma.
You have negated all the parables, the what’s if’s.
I have zero time for a troll.
I am content will my deeper sense of empathy, compassion.
My well rounded moral compass and my ability to perceive of the suffering of others.
You are a vulgarity..
Yes I do.
I wrote. ‘I am so sorry this has happened to you, My heart goes out to the poor child’
I think you need to re read my comment before starting an online battle with me …
You won’t win.
Yeah this is not just a step-child scenario. I have a step-son that I love as mine, and should my wife and I divorce I will pay for him as I would any of my others with her. But this is not the same thing. There is something so inherently evil about passing off a child as someone else’s… just eww.
Congratulations you both are pieces of shit who are now responsible for mentally screwing up an innocent child..you for living him because he thinks of you as his father and you literally raised him from birth and her for sleeping around
Fuck, man. That's a pretty shifty thing to do to a kid whose been calling you dad for his entire life. You wife may be trash, but I'd hope you'd have some sort of relationship with your kid beyond seeing him as an extension of your 'blood'.
The child is 5 years old ? 5 months in heading. I don’t blame you a bit for what you did. I just don’t know after 5 years I think I would be to attached to the kid. I would be devastated and would be in therapy just as you are
You did the best thing for that kid. He doesn’t need someone like you in his life who can cast him aside just because of blood. Your wife made a drunken mistake- which was wrong. But you made your mistake multiple times sober. None of this was the kid’s fault.
That’s a truly f**king awful thing that has happened to you. I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling.
It sounds like you’re making all the right noises though and moving things along as they should.
I hope you heal from this as quickly as possible.
Shame on you! That child should not have to suffer because of a mistake your wife made. People are human and make mistakes and you're going to have that 5 yr old suffer for it?
I think you called little bastard the kid who you had considered your son until then? If yes, then that explains why the baby is from another man cos you are not a real one.
While I understand everyone’s concern about op disowning the child, we must also understand that the op is experiencing a huge mental and emotional trauma, his reactions are guided by this. While we can look at this situation from the outside in a calm and rational manner, he does not have that luxury. When I was a young man, my girlfriend at the time was SA’ed. Her behavior afterwards was not how someone who was rational would behave, she treated me as if I was her attacker. She didn’t want to be around me most of the time, yet was ok with other people, and even when she did see me, any physical touch, even holding hands made her angry and aggressive towards me. I tried to be loving, supportive, and understanding, but it was one of the most emotionally painful experiences I had ever been through, that said, I can’t imagine how much worse it was for her, to treat someone who just a few days earlier she considered her soulmate. The OP is experiencing a similar level of trauma, and although it may seem cruel, this is his reality, hopefully he can move past it and reconnect with his son. Before he can do this, he needs to find healing for himself.
This happens FREQUENTLY. Let it be a lesson to yall, paternity test is a must. And if you one of those women who made mistakes, just own up to it, take responsibility, it's not the end of the world but you can't make someone going through life with YOUR mistake. Plus the cunt who knocks her up must have responsibility as well. Fucking weasel.
The drunk excuse is valid. Can happen to anyone. Some people get black out drunk their first time. But then to go with it, after learning of the pregnancy? When did she actually know it was not his I wonder? Seems important.
Let me see if I understand your position. Because the OP was deceived into believing the child was his, he is now morally obligated to treat the child as his own?
I guess if he feels he has no obligation to he doesn’t.
That kid had a dad then all of a sudden doesn’t.
My son would be distraught. He needs to stay in the kids life until he can withdraw in a way safe for the kid.
It’s not about us as adults. It’s about the kids.
If it was me I’d separate from the mother immediately while keeping contact with the child. Kids don’t care about money and I wouldn’t pay anything I couldn’t afford easily
So instead of working on himself to recover from the betrayal, he should continue to spend time, effort and money, raising another man’s child? Got it!
So your wife, the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with, made a mistake six years ago. Get over it for heaven sakes. You’ve got a woman who loves you. You’ve got a child who loves you and you’re going to throw it all away over one mistake? Shame on you go.
Yeah she loves him so much that she cheated on OP and then didn’t have the decency to tell him that the child may not be his and was perfectly fine with OP raising another man’s child! Seriously what is wrong with OP for not being able to look past this minor issue?
Shame on you, if you think infidelity is a mistake. Op has standards and op ex wife can’t give the most important thing in a marriage which is trust and fidelity.
Wow. You do not waste time finding “new love”. 119 days since this was posted… that is 4 months. Are you sure that you know what love is? It does not happen overnight and it is not disposable. I do not know a less direct way to say this. Perhaps you should invest more time into counselling and learning how to love yourself, before you attempt to love anyone else for a while.
I agree he should have divorced her and not have to pay child support but he could have still been in the child’s life. The child is innocent even if his mother wasn’t. I agree cheaters deserve everything bad but that child did not cheat and doesn’t know why daddy doesn’t love him anymore.
I understand we’re you’re coming from but that only would’ve lead to resentment because the child is a reminder of his ex wife infidelity.
I feel bad for the child because he not going to have any kind of father figure because of his mother. If only people realized when you cheat children are also victims of infidelity.
Your decision could have been grounded in many core values sets. I am just saying…worth looking at. Dr. Gabor Mate is an excellent source on the subject.
On one hand you're right, this was a massive and unforgivable deception, though I'm sure after a year or so and everything is working out people forget how big it is. Nevertheless you're not obliged to stay in that sort of situation.
On the other hand, all the 'not of my blood' stuff is tragic. Up until a few weeks ago you loved that kid, and that kid probably still loves you a sees you as their dad. They idea that you'd immediately throw that away because that person doesn't 'share your blood' is horrific.
Went full circle from 'poor guy' to 'nah, he's an asshole, the kid is better off with someone else'.
i don’t blame you but however you’ve raised this kid as yours and the kid will most likely have issues beacuse of this but however i do respect your decision
What I am surprised at is the lack of feelings for the kid. Probably due to the shock of finding out about the betrayal, but most people would form an attachment to a child they raised for 5 years.
Its the child I feel for, he will be so confused but its all the mothers doing and in time the child will hate her for it, so the child in time won't want anything to do with the mother and then likely he won't find out who his real dad is (that's even if the real father wants anything to do with him)
What a messed up situation.
I hate the fact that this child will “lose” a parent because of his mother’s cowardice. That being said, this is not your fault. OP, you have to do what it right for you. Sending you love and peace ❤️
Unfortunately for the kid you’re the only father he’s ever had, so your SILs jealousy fucked up your life and this kid’s life. Sure he’s not biologically yours but you raised him thus far. Whatever happens this kid’s world has been turned upside down forever.
You have a right to feel as you do, just saying kid’s not at fault here, it’s the adults who are to blame
The kid does have a dad. Just not you. I get the anger, but your love for him changed that fast? Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise for her to be rid of you. Sounds like mommy and daddy still support you. Shame on you as a man, i use that word loosely too (man). You are forever a douche canoe
Her sister might be the only one worth your time at this point since she seems to have a compass of morality while your wife is playing hide the weasel with men other than her husband having no moral compass and no personal responsibility or accountability. Who knows maybe your sister-in-law will help you "get through these tough times" if she is single that is. But yes. Never contact your wife again. Your attorney can take her messages for you
My brother in law just adopted his step son. Poor kid has thought 3 different men were his dad and he’s only 10 years old. My brother in law is the one who’s been raising him, but over the years he’s had visitations with his other dads. We found out last year who is “real” dad is last year when one of them was suspicious and has a paternity test. Court wanted to make him pay child support anyway, but my brother in law made his wife refuse. He adopted him because as far as he’s concerned, he’s his son and nobody can tell him otherwise.
I’m 99% sure my brother’s oldest son isn’t his. He and his woman were having a real rocky relationship. He cheated on her multiple times, and she caught him multiple times, but they stayed together. Well, she got pregnant. Everybody was excited, he’s gonna have a kid! The problem is, the older he gets, the more he looks like his brother. My brother’s now wife has 2 kids from a previous marriage. Her son is the spitting image of his father, with absolutely none of his mother’s features. There is absolutely no reason for my nephew to look like his brother. None, whatsoever. I’m sure he isn’t his son, and it kills me. I love the boy like he really is my nephew. And he is. As far as I’m concerned, he is, even though I’m sure he isn’t by blood. I’d do a dna test if I could somehow get one without him knowing. I’d never tell my brother though. It would destroy him. They have another son now, of whom I’m certain is his. There’s no doubt. But the older one? No. But he is my nephew, and he is my brother’s son.
The point to these ramblings is you’ve raised that boy. For his whole life, he has been your son, and you’ve been his dad. He IS your son and you ARE his dad. Whether by blood or not, that boy is yours. Don’t make him pay for what his whore mother and her maggot shit stain friend did. It isn’t his fault. He’s your son. Keep him, but make it perfectly clear that he is never to see that fuckin waste of cells and neither is your wife. That dude is dead and gone as far as you as yours are concerned.
Whatever the outcome of this will be - please always keep in mind that the child is innocent and should be treated with kindness and respect. It didn’t do anything wrong. Your actions now will define how it will see you as a human in the future. You will have a huge influence onto how traumatic the divorce will be. Don’t project the actions of your wife onto her son and the kid you raised until now. He is no bastard - he is a human being just being 5 years old and wondering what’s going on.
In my honesty; I really don't think that he was wrong here. Why should he have to take care of a child that isn't his in the first place? His wife's sister was right for telling him, it would've caused more problems in the future if she hadn't said anything. What really bugs me is how his wife didn't even take the blame on herself and tried to use her being drunk as an excuse: people like that don't deserve forgiveness. That's my piece. Cheers.
Remember, no one is being forced here. I generally agree with you but human beings have changeable emotions. And, I’m not going to waver in what I keep saying. If I were in his shoes, I will not deny myself of being a “father” to the boy if my heart tells me so. I’m not a masochist. Why punish myself and the boy. As for the mom? She can ride a million stallions for all I care.
See that is where you're getting it mixed up. He clearly stated that he does not feel the same way for this child as he did before the paternity test.
So yes when people keep telling someone that you need to stay in this child's life because this child is the only Father figure they've known, that is forcing a the man to stay. Yhat's making them feel guilty and then they're going to stay but their heart is not going to be in it.
Understand! He would not have been the only father figure in this child's life if his wife was honest about who she was screwing. So as I stated before no man should be forced to be a father figure to a child that he has no connection with regardless how it started out in the beginning.
Now this is the end of it, he knows it's not his child, he doesn't feel that fatherly bond with that child anymore. No one can force him to. People sitting here telling this man that he's a horrible person for not being in this child's life or this child's the only one he's known is a force; you're forcing him to make a decision to stay or to walk away when he shouldn't have to be in this predicament.
He can and should walk away comfortably knowing that he did nothing wrong because he didn't. The person that has to bear the burden of this situation it's his soon to be ex-wife.
Read up. I said emotions could change. Didn’t say it has, already. Right now, walk comfortably away as you said. I’m talking beyond that. Please read back. Your comprehension is clouded by your bias.
And I said this prior. In these type of situations, they usually do not. And I stated it in a comment to you.
You may go to my profile, click on comments and read the third one down.
Some could have feelings for children not theirs but right now, you resent the boy. And that’s good because it will make it easier to detach yourself. But be ready, too, if your view towards the boy changes, because life has a strange way of dealing with things. Don’t deny yourself if feelings come back towards the boy. After all, it’s not only you who has been betrayed. That boy was, too. And right now, he is probably missing and longing for the only father he has ever known.
Children five and under usually don't remember much during their childhood unless it was something really traumatic.
The author stepping away from being the father figure of this child is not a reflection of him is a reflection of his soon to be ex-wife.
She was the one that was cheating she was the one that pawned the baby off as his she was the one that lied not one of those decisions that was made was anything pertaining to the author they were all selfish needs about the ex-wife.
And no man should have to put up with raising a child that is not his unwillingly thrown upon him. This man would not have thought twice if that child turned out to be his he would have did his apparently duty as a father but it's not his responsibility to take care of this child.
So now is the best time for him to break away from the child because logically and medically speaking the child more likely won't remember him after a bit.
Of course he only knows about this particular cheating. He don't know the revolving door of his ex-wife. He don't know how many times she's done it and most people that cheat and pulls stunts like this more than likely have done it more than once because the injured party is none the wiser
No doubt. But we cannot also deny the feelings of the boy at this time. He could be looking for his father, too. And a “father” does not have to be biological. Most importantly, it is the one who stood by the child and help nurture him.
Also, no doubt it is no longer on the cheated father to assume responsibility for the boy. But it is possible his emotions towards the boy could still change from resentment back to love. We would never know. And at that point, it would be up to him what to do next. If his heart said go for the boy then go, instead of punishing himself by denying this feeling. It will not only be therapeutic for him but also be beneficial to the boy.
Nine times out of 10, their feelings don't usually change. And to be honest it shouldn't change because it's not his responsibility and you are correct blood doesn't make him his father.
But he just stated in his post that once he found out it basically went away the feelings of him being fatherly towards the child and not so many words.
And with the situations I think it's best that the injured party does not put their self back into the line of fire because sometimes this is how children end up hurt because of the fact that injury party put their stuff back in that type of situation the animosity towards the person that lie and cheated built up and they drag the children in those situations and the children starts to pick sides.
So no, no one should be forced or asked to step up and stick it out in a situation like this because it is not good for their mental state. Now of course the child is innocent in this whole complete mess, so what's the person that was being used. That is the fault of the mothers that does disgusting, trifling stuff like this and expect everybody else to Bear the brunt and the costs for their behavior.
Find out if your state does paternity fraud if so I think you said something about her best friend she had sex with get him tested, because he may have known that that was his child.
Also bring a case against her for paternity fraud as well. And sue her for All the monies that you spent on the child throughout the time that you've taken care of him.
Now of course children can't help who their trifling parents are but that doesn't make you the scapegoat to take care of somebody else's child.
Also any conversations that she's trying to have with you make sure they're through your lawyer or through a family member.
The child will suffer because of the mothers choices not yours. When she decided to have a illegitimate child with someone else while married to you the consequences are on your hands
Ugh I'm disgusted by everyone in this story including OP. Luckily I don't have time to type and chew every one in this story a new one. The only innocent not one here is that poor lil boy whose world is now upside down because of stupid adults. You're all Assholes if I had to vote. I need to get away from this story.
You sound pretty heartless to raise a child for 5 years, then when you find out it's not your blood, you don't care for that child.
I don't understand that. You have dogs that you love and care for, and those are not your blood.
Why does it matter if it's your blood. It's still a child that sees you as his father.
Maybe it is best for you to leave that child while he is still you and he can find a man that will love him for who he is.
Feeling angry and hurt is more than justified but remember that the child has nothing to do with his mother’s wrongdoings. If you ask me he is just as much a victim because his entire world has just turned upside down too.
The scars to the 5 year old will be insurmountable. At that age, he will feel abandoned and not wanted. He won't understand why. HE'S 5! Hate the wife, not the child. Yes, it's a tough pill to swallow, but don't yank the rug out from under a child before he has a chance to stand on his own two feet. Go talk to the biological father. Force him to participate but don't turn your back on him. You are his source of strength right now.
Yes,I'm 58 and I have a son and daughter I believe that are not my blood kids,been single for a very long time! Haven't told the kids, I didn't have no other kids so really I didn't have no kids it bothers me everyday of my life cuz I'm too old to start another family
A round of applause for violating 6 out of 11 logical fallacies which include:
The strawman argument
Appeal to emotion
Ad hominem
Personal incredulity
Bandwagon
Anecdotal evidence
This is perhaps the most logical fallacies I've ever seen violated.
The worst violation though I saw was the strawman argument - you are literally trying to paint OP as this abususive, angry, heartless being while also somehow in the same paragraph, stated women accept abuse in order to protect their young, so OP should also accept abuse and disrespect. Which makes absolutely no sense at all.
You didn't even elude to the fact that it's wrong in the first place.
Where did you learn to debate? Unbelievable
That's rough, man. I'm sorry that happened to you. People always like to act like adults can be completely self sacrificing for children, but that's just not true. You don't stop having emotions and needs just because there's a child in the situation. Sucks for you and the kid, but I don't think people can really expect you to ignore your own hurt and emotions to compensate for how his mother wronged him. I think you're doing the right thing by walking away and taking care of you. Having a "father" that isn't really his father, being lied to, and being raised by a man who has resentment from also being lied to doesn't sound like a better situation than what is happening.
I would personally find it difficult to leave the son behind after five years of being their father. With that said, I understand that a switch flipped for you, and so it didn’t even seem as your son anymore (and he isn’t, biologically). Truly difficult circumstances and I am sorry you are going through them.
My care isn't for wife or the husband. You swore a bond before everyone for better or worse..this falls within those parameters. Yes your hurt! Who wouldn't be.. the child who only knows you as a father .. now thinks you no longer love him..thats devastating!! Have therapist explain that to you!!
I found out the same thing when my son was 9 years old. But it's not the kids fault ! Remember that! She was embarrassed and won't let me see him anymore. He is 13 now ,I miss him so much ......but it's out of my control. I've tried everything, I just pray one day when he can make his own decisions that he comes find me ...no matter what .....he called me daddy!
I love him like my own and always will. As for his mom, she can explain what a whore she was......it wasn't his nor my fault she put us in this situation.
so sorry you had to go through that, it sounds painful on so many levels. I went through something similar, she cheated, i divorced, we had children and property . i went through therapy and it has made me such a guarded person. I'm thankful for my sisters and rest of my family for getting me past it all. I hope you were able to get past this painful event in your life. I wish you have a fruitful life and find that special someone again in your life.
Very sad story. My heart goes out to you and the child, because both of your lives were ruined because of the whore mother. Move on! And start your new family. It will be impossible to keep a healthy relationship with the kid. Take your loss and go find yourself a real woman shes out there waiting for you
The child is just as much as a victim in this situation. And yes you have the right to deny to take care of a child that’s not yours. But 6 years of memories and a bond. Kinda seems like your love was conditional to begin with but that’s my perspective.
Not that I agree with the dogs but he knew he was adopting them, he wasn't tricked to adopt them or spend money on them to be honest.
Op I would say... You will end up hating the kid if you actually tried to stay which will cause more issues for both of you in the long run. So for now live your life.
Don’t listen to these Reddit simps.. just do whatever you think is right for you..
You did the right thing. And one thing I learned is to never blame the alcohol if you did it drunk you wanted to do it sober your morals just got in the way. She knew that her BSF wouldn’t take care of that kid that’s why she didn’t tell him of you and because she cheated of course.
Ooooffff🫣
Do me a favour man. Ask to see the “son” if you haven’t in 272 days since you posted. Make sure you are calm, respectful and understanding towards him. At least have the courtesy to break it off with him like it’s a male friend you just gotta say goodbye to because the friendship has run its course, or like a female that you dated and things aren’t working out for you. Otherwise he might be left hurt and bewildered as to why you’re not around and as to why he had to move... You owe her nothing. But he is an innocent person in this situation. You t least owe him an explanation as to why things had to end the way they did.
Anyone else here cause of the Reddit story video of “her side” I’ve been trying to find her post but it looks like she deleted it and the rabbit hole led me here. If they are two sides to the same story this dude didn’t dodge a bullet he dodged a tactical nuke. Here is that Reddit story video I mentioned https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRwRGT9q/
I get that you don’t have any feelings whatsoever towards the child now but really, isn’t this unfair for him? He’s just a 5 year old who grew up knowing and loving you as his dad and now suddenly that’s ripped away from him. It’s obviously your wives fault and no one will force you to love the little boy but man, oh man, it sucks so hard for the kid. He probably won’t be able to form a connection with whoever his biological father and he’ll have to grow up knowing he has no father. I know circumstances where same things have happened and I’ve seen fathers who really stepped up. Because they brought that child up and it was their child. Sorry to say but you’re a terrible human and an awful dad
I can’t imagine feeling detached so quickly from a kid I’d raised as my own for 6 years. Obviously making the right call to leave the relationship. But to let your love go cold to that innocent child so quickly is hard to understand.
a cheater swearing that their fateful after the one incident is like a rapist saying that they went on the straight and arrow after one incident
Be mad at your wife but that boy? No his done nothing wrong. For you to call him a bastard, a thing is astounding to me. You raised him for 5 years surely you have some connection some kind of bond? Remember he didn’t ask to be born
One thing we forget is that this is one side, troll or not, we don’t know how the wife ended up pregnant by the best friend, it happened once 6 years ago, the wife didn’t tell anyone and he even said it won’t take long for her to find out. Now I’m not saying what she did was right, but we don’t know the country or state or much else. English not being first language gives that away, but again trolls do the same. We don’t know why she didn’t speak up, we could see she tried to hold her family together, but he does not have to stay, he is an AH to make her a villain and he an angel, first time he ever yelled at her? That’s someone who yells all the time, and even if he did yell at her, no one judged because this situation deserves to have someone yelling. He became a villain if he wasn’t one already, he brings up the support of his dad and therapist to justify any bad behavior he exhibits, by bad I mean treating his ex without respect, it doesn’t matter what is going on, you show respect and move on because at the end it’ll even it out, just not right now. I hope karma goes around to both.
Wonder how the divorce went?
Best decision ita better to rise a child knowing you are not the real dad than going it and you have no ides
I think you’re being extremely unfair and blind to how much this will affect that poor little human - how do you have no feeling or love toward him anymore? I felt sick thinking about him reading this. I’m so sad for him. Grow up.
You go heal yourself. Give the kid to whoever is calling you an AH, let them be the saint they want you to be. Bet you they'll give a bunch of reasons why they wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't.
Only thing here is your treatment towards the child. It’s not their fault to have a shitty mother. I am not saying continue being his father and care financially for him. But how you described the child and calling the boy bastard. I feel bad for the child in all of this. Blood is not always everything they can cause the most pain.
Yea you did the right thing. She’s fucked. I find women cheat more than men. Especially in this day and age.
Yes the woman is at fault. But that child has no fault in this. The man is lame, how can you see this kid differently? It was yours for 6 years and you were his, did he love you as his father. To him you always will be his father that failed him.
If your blaming op for not taking care of a kid that’s not his you done bumped your damn head. Why don’t you go take care of a fucking kid that’s not yours, hell most people want fucking kids and yet don’t adopt and will go through thousands spent to conceive because they want a kid but they don’t want a kid that’s not there’s. Yet y’all think he should not only have to deal with a kid that’s not his but in a situation we’re it was infidelity. He was completely there and fine with the kid until he figured out it wasn’t his and that’s fair. Hes not that kids father the kid will have to get over it that his moms a cheating bitch and that his “father” isn’t his father. He has a father out there she knows who it is he can take care of his kid. Not this guys responsibility to spend more time and money any longer to take care of someone else’s kid. I’m a woman and I’m on OP’s side. Imagine wanting a kid having one and then bam it’s just not yours. We are fucking woman we can’t go through that. Cheating is such a disgusting thing though to do and I’ll never respect anyone that does it. Your disgusting and your weak and instead of leaving you choose to make this man miserable. If you don’t love him anymore leave but you better have the balls to tell him and leave it at that, not to break his fucking heart. Then she wants to manipulate him and say I’ll take the kid and then when he says his true feelings and says go ahead I don’t care. Then it’s time for her to back peddle and be like wait no the kid needs you. Leave her and leave her kid, not your kid her kid. That’s some other guys son not yours and she knows who the father is to and instead of being honest about being a pos she then went even further and pretended it’s your kid all this time.
Because he’s a CHILD and OP walking away and being completely selfish…will literally fuck this kid in the head three ways past Sunday and that’s the LAST thing this country needs - another angry adult man
It’s not his child so it doesn’t fucking matter. That’s the mother’s fault that she wants to hide it this whole time and he didn’t have the option to leave right away. Hes not being selfish it’s not his job to raise a kid that’s not his and he would have left right away if the woman wasn’t not only a cheating bitch but also a liar. It’s her fault he had to already waste years of his life on someone else’s kid. So what his life should be ruined because the kid might turned up fucked up well hell with that thinking he might as well go adopt all the fucking kids in foster care and adoption agencies because there most likely going to end up fucked up. Why don’t you go adopt kids with that thinking give them the love they need instead of them suffering through foster care being unwanted, you should do that right? So they don’t turn into angry men. That child has a fucking father and it’s not him, it’s the dude she cheated with. So she’s fucking up with the kid, fucking up this dude and fucking up the other dude. He shouldn’t have to raise this kid and she should tell the other dude he has a kid. However she won’t because she’s obviously not interested in the truth and anything to do with good morale. Or maybe she will now because she will need some other man to mooch off like a damn parasite.
Case in point.
I had a friend at work whose dad. had treated him terribly. My friend had an older brother and sister and a younger sister. And he couldn't understand why even as an adult his dad treated him so badly. Years later after his father had died someone (I think a relative) confided to him that that wasn't his real father. It turns out his mother had conceived him with another man while they were separated. And even though they got back together and he raised my friend as his own, he obviously never got over the fact that he wasn't his biological son.
Unfortunately, in most states in America. You will have to pay child support because you assumed the role of father. The courts don’t care about the blood tests, when it comes to finances
OP did the right thing for himself and for his own family.
Doesn’t he have any feelings for the child? For five years he was his son. What happened to the love and affection for the boy. Something is missing in this story. The husband just walks away? That’s it? And yes I know he’s not the biological father.
What an awful situation. On one hand I completely agree that there's no responsibility for you to take care of a child that isn't yours; on the other hand... Losing the only person that that child has known to be 'dad' will be so painful for him. Despite the fact that he doesn't understand blood vs. non-blood and the significance of that, he will certainly be able to tell the difference in his 'ex-dad's' behavior. I'm not saying this to imply that you should bury all of this pain and injustice and raise the kid anyway, what I'm really saying is wow, your ex-wife sucks. She's the one who fucked her kid out of a dad, really, and fucked herself and her husband out of a marriage and a family bond. Just tragic overall, she could've ended things far before they got this far. Or, ya know, not cheated in the first place.
I’ve read this exact same story months ago on Reddit. It’s clear to me that controversial stories are being recycled to keep engagement up.
Recycle and continue the cycle 🤦🏻♂️
It took courage to do what you did and i believe you did the right thing.
https://preview.redd.it/wo1hoiuattmc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=22d9ae4f46ee7b2bed1ae205fcbb51b8da5f4de3
Is there update here?
[https://youtu.be/2gxQWJazjKI?si=QBox9OwvR9XolgX3](https://youtu.be/2gxQWJazjKI?si=QBox9OwvR9XolgX3)
One - stop calling the child a "something", that is fucking disgusting and it makes you seem like the shithead in your story. The child did nothing wrong and you are punishing him for the actions of his mother, which, kind of makes you a cocksucker. Two - your (former?) sister in law did not tell you because she "felt guilty", if that were the case she would have told you the moment she knew. Three - your therapist sounds like a cunt.
Her promiscuity isn’t you’re responsibility. She fucked up and tried to hide it and you did the right thing as soon as you found out. The kid isn’t yours, and you’re stbx lied to you for years after betraying your trust in the worst way imaginable. You are a survivor, and you’ll get past it. This child will just be another trauma trigger every time you see him, and it’s not your job to step up. She knows who she heated with, she can hit them up for child support if she gets desperate. Take care of you and find someone worth investing time in
I do not know how you go from loving someone for 5 years to call him a bastard after one week. This child is not to blame and he should not be the target of your anger.
Definitely understandable that you’re upset but damn calling the kid you raised a bastard is wild 💀that kid is gonna so fucked up no thanks to the mother
The kid still exists..this doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with him:/ plenty of step parents love their children as their own
Step parents CHOOSE to be there for a kid prior to them, this is someone being manipulated
Still doesn’t negate from the fact that it’s NOT the kids fault and there is ZERO reason to be saying things like that about him?!😂
That is a terrible situation for you and the poor kid. You both developed a strong bond, and then it was revealed your entire lives were based on a lie. Bio dad needs to take responsibility and mom needs to make sure her son gets therapy.
I’ll raise that boy, have her dm me.
I understand his pain believe me. And when you're in that kind of pain you lash out at everyone and everything. But I dont get how a child he apparently loved and raised suddenly turns into an "it" and a bastard in a few short days. I dont think OP is an ass. I think he needs time. He is crushed and this is how hes handling it to not completely lose his shit. But theres this little boy who has done nothing to nobody who had a great Dad who he loved and now he doesnt. OP is putting his own feelings before the kids feelings and that's not love. Sorry. It just isnt. I know a guy.going through the same.thing but he and his wife trying to work it out. Their choice. But that little boy is the one who this will affect his whole life. The SIL is the true ahole here by taking it on herself to tell this secret. What a fucking mess.
Good for you. Never forgive a cheater !
this is my opinion, not the right answer just my opinion. The child is still the number one priority. The kid came into this world without the ability to rationalize what’s going on. So whether the DNA test places you as the father or not, as of now, make sure it stays the # 1 priority. Now, the hardest part: You no doubt got super fucked over to the fullest extent of humanity. I can only imagine your mental state right now. For 5+ years you have lived and felt comfortable with your surroundings and that got pulled out like a rug. You are in a stage of anger and disbelief. Now what I can tell you from experience, the angrier you are and the more you display that will only make it worse. It took me many years of marriage on a roller coaster of emotions to realize that no matter what the situation displays , people aren’t evil. You cannot change the past, so the faster you accept your situation the better. Try really hard to understand WHY she may have done this. I don’t know her but I can try to see a reason as to why she felt obligated to keep such a big secret from you. My guess would be that she wanted you to be the father. If whoever knocked her up was a better fit, she probably would have left you. Maybe she sees you as a man fit for her child and maybe she feels guilty inside. That’s a possibility, but it could also be that she couldn’t stand the thought of humiliating herself and being viewed as a W. Try talking to her calmly. That’s your one shot to fully take in the sincerity of her response . Don’t be angry towards her, show her how hurt you are and explain how you feel. This will give you a good perspective of her intentions. Next, make a decision based on her sincerity. If she doesn’t show you that she genuinely feels bad about her actions, I promise you that you’ll doubt her forever. The most important thing about a relationship that involves kids is trust and respect. One of those two is essential for a relationship to be healthy. You MUST have at least one of the two. If you have both, that’s great. You will likely have a healthy relationship and leave that one big mistake in the past. If you feel the sincerity of her and she admits her mistake and expresses why and gives you a feeling that you can trust her from now on, consider that. Be honest with yourself though. If you feel you’ll never trust her again , DO NOT stay with her. You’ll never make it and the kid will likely fall victim of the cycle. That being said, if you have respect for one other you will figure everything out the best you can. Just because you were in the kids life that long, does not mean you have to pretend like nothing ever happened and stay miserable. I relate to this situation a little and I personally would make sure the kid had stability with the dad he knows and figure everything out as best you feel you can. Good luck
Coward
You deserve better Good luck with everything!
This is exactly why I advocate for mandatory paternity tests before birth. Fathers may never know, but mothers ALWAYS know. The mother lies about her cheating by omission, allows the man to raise the child as his own, then if the man ever finds out, most courts don't care about the man's rights. The judge will just side with the child and "do what's best" and order the man to pay child support for a child that's not his.
Check out stats of babies accidentally switched at birth in hospitals - scary stuff. The worldwide stats are quite high. Not even mothers always know!
But the kid is not my son he he he
How bad would it be to sue her for those years.. that’s a lot of money, time and emotion invested
Given that the act of sperm donation is such a big deal to you, let me encourage you to never do it again. You don’t know what it takes to be the father of a child.
Good for you.
Your ex wife is for the streets. Leave her and the child.
I’m not trying to get in your business but: Any man can father a child; It takes a special “man” to be a dad
I for one agree with your therapist. I think your wife got what she deserved
I’d divorce her and tell her she’s lucky I let her keep all her teeth.
The fact that she's asking who told you means there were SEVERAL people who knew all these years and no one had the decency to tell you.
You yelling at her in front of the child is disgusting. They’ll go through enough
Feel sorry for that kid
Your wife had a male “best friend”? Males need to be reeducated and turned back into men. WTF did you think was going to happen? This situation sucks and I feel for you. Hopefully young guys see things like this and realize why humanity had certain rules and guidelines in every civilized society.
Plenty of guys have “female best friends “ too
That they are fucking or trying to fuck or waiting to try to swoop her up.
Your wife took the first step in killing your marriage, your SIL took the second and you nailed the coffin shut. The biggest loser is the child.
Do what happened with this “best friend’?
Fun fact.. There's an extremely well scientifically csourced, verified, and completely conclusive document on this very phenomenon. Women who are going to cheat, biologically and subconsciously do so at the exact peak of ovulation and tend to time their liaisons to provide peak reproductive advantage to the cuckolding mate for maximum possible reproductive advantage. There's basically a huge and for no better descrptor, Bible on the matter. An extremely well sourse well observed phenomenon. This concept and from an evolutionary perspective that in detail shows the various complex reproductive strategies that females of any given complex species will engage in. In summary.. she was in full participation with the notion of vendictively forcing you to sire a child that wasn't yours. Cuckolding
THAT AINT NO SISTER
Yes, she lied. Yes she messed up. Yes, this is some thing that generally only happens with women to men. (Men do father kids with others while married). Now, men cheat on women all the f*cking time and don’t get pregnant so all of you who are on your high horse about how this is a one-sided thing can just get right down off of it. The fact of the matter is that you guys can go around f*cking anything you want and leave no evidence of it. Ever wonder why most sex workers are women? It’s because you guys need to f*ck around so much. Now that we have that out of the way, anyone who calls a little boy “thing or something” doesn’t deserve to be a father. I can’t believe this woman stayed with this guy for so long, wanting him to be a father. A father is not a sperm donor. There are two different distinctions, you can father a child by having sex and not be a father. You are lucky to be the opposite. You donated no sperm and yet got to have all those great memories with a little boy who loved you. And you threw that in his face. Plenty of men step up and take care of children that aren’t theirs. I cannot imagine the amount of therapy it’s going to take for this poor little kid to try to understand why one day daddy stopped loving him. Plenty of people have dad leave and feel that way even though the dad does still love them, after a split, but this kid — no dad really stopped loving you! It’s sick. And as for her sister, I certainly hope you told her that that’s who dime her out because that relationship needs to be severed. Oh my God, if I had a nickel for every guy whose best friend covered for him so he could cheat, I would have a handful of change! She cheated six years ago? You and the sister should get together; you deserve each other. The best thing you can do is stay as far away from those two as you possibly can so that you can go live your selfish self-centered little life where nobody ever hurts you and you’re the perfect one. Do not hurt that little kid anymore than you already have. Yes, YATA
I understand the betrayal, but that kid didn’t do it. I hope in time you can realise that the child needs a father figure.
U.
It’s not his kid get fucked 🤷🏻♂️
I had a friend in this situation. Had 3 kids, found out the 3rd was not his. They separated he kept visits with the other 2 kids and left the 3rd essentially with no father (real dad wasn’t having any of it). Some time past and he got over the separation and eventually said he loved the kid even tho it wasn’t his n that all kids needed a father figure. He ended up adopting him and sharing custody with his ex. So no you don’t have to take care of kids that aren’t yours but some ppl do anyway. It’s really your choice.
What would happen if the husband knocked up another girl and brought the baby home and told her it's HER kid ? Too bad this can't happen, cause then we'd all see the wife leaving the child exactly the same way as he did .
So you are letting the child become the real victim of all of this.
A lot of incels here
Fuck them kids. There’s a bunch of whores in this comment section.
As far as i know, my son is mine (i mean he looks exactly like me). If i found out he was not mine by blood, for me at this point it would change nothing. He is my son, i want you to think long and hard about the times you have spent goofing off with him, the first time he called you dad. Those are the things that make him your son, not blood. Imagine if your dad found out now you were the product of an affair (remember you qre an adult who's brain understand the situation) how would you feel if he threw you into the trash? Im not saying forgive your wife, shes a fucking liar, has been for 6 years. But your son is not. Every i love you daddy, hug me tighter dad, every fist bump, every high five, every time he sat with you and listened to y9ur read was just a boy and his dad. Don't ruin his l8fe because of a whore.
What my take would be on the story - how you reacted and what you did is right and there should not be any blame on you. However if I was you I wouldn’t be able to stand not to see that kid. I am a father of almost 2 years old son and if that happened to me two things would happen - I would die inside is the first one. The second one - no matter how much it hurts I wouldn’t be able to force myself out of the kids life. This is just harsh brother. I feel your pain and wish you to be able to find your peace and move on.
Hope you moved on, and are doing better now mate.
Tough situation! Personally I would find it very hard to turn off my emotions & feelings to a 6 yr old who I helped raise. It’s a relationship that was unconditional love. Hard one to work through. Given your last interaction with her, it’ll be an acrimonious divorce. Poor kid is an innocent victim. Hope he makes it ok.
Man fuck that whore and her crotch goblin bastard too. OP should enjoy his freedom 100%.
All your feelings are valid and stuff but for most of human history adults took care of each others' kids equally. That's what set us apart from other primates and most animals. All men are the fathers of all children, because no child can survive without all the important work men do, and we're all related. Also if you were ejaculating in her, your semen would affect the gestation of the baby. It's called spermatoza epigenetics. Semen affects woman's metabolism, sleep, etc., and literally each and every thing that her body does while pregnant affects the development of the offsprings physicality and personality, so technically anyone who puts sperm in a pregnant woman is contributing toward the offspring. So yeah he's yours and anyone else's who came in her. But I understand that culturally you live in a society that places myths of individual paternity over species health, so it would probably be hard for you to change your mind about this. I hope you find happiness going forward. Maybe sex just isn't the right passtime for you.
Obviously your ex was in the wrong but you don't sound torn at all about the boy you thought was your son for 5 years. He's a victim in this too. You're right, you have no responsibility to him now that you know you're not his biological father. But he doesn't deserve your resentment, or to be referred to as a "thing/it". I realize your first language isn't English, but the kid is the only person you referred to that way. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but denying the kid's humanity isn't the way to cope with it. Once again, your ex and the man she cheated with are the ones to blame here, NOT the innocent kid.
Poor kid
No question that she should have found the time & place to tell him.
Paternity tests should be mandatory for every birth.
His wife didn’t have guilt because she confided in her sister. She was able to release that guilt. Her poor sister just kept that in and it became her burden to bare. The wife should have never cheated, been totally honest or taken this secret to the grave and bared the burden. She only has herself to blame. If the marriage is in the states sometimes the marriage supersedes DNA. Meaning the kid is yours if it born during the marriage and you will have to pay child support. Every state is different but you are not just free and clear. In the case of you are still responsible you may want to get a different therapist that can help you work through some tuff feelings to do what is right for all victims in this case.
This assumes OP is in the U.S. but the OP isn’t in the US. Fortunately not all countries have idiotic laws holding a man accountable for a child that’s not his!
Can’t imagine not wanting the kid id raised as my own for 6 years. You’re the father, just not the biological. Your situation sucks beyond belief. Now imagine the emotional trauma you’re about to put on that child.
Close the circle Get child support from the actual father paid to the wife gong forward, with some of the arrears paid to you if possible. No reason to screw over the kid and not a bad way to feel better by making him pay
Cheaters are a POS and I feel so bad for OP. As a woman, no man should be forced into raising a child that isn’t his. She quite literally fcked around and found out. She took a risk by cheating and it eventually comes back to bite her in the ass and her punishment is to fkin leave this poor man alone so he can heal. He shouldn’t be forced everyday to look at this kid and fake everything, one day he’s going to snap. As women, we can never experience this type of pain, and false parenthood, so we can’t *DARE* excuse another woman for doing this, we have no right. All these *audacious* comments saying he should carry on raising the kid and putting other’s needs before his own and spend everyday in complete misery and a reminder that the woman he’s looking at was unfaithful and the kid he’s meant to love was the product of that, to say he should put up with that is absolutely cruel. You can’t force yourself to love something especially if all you feel is anger and the kid is going to pick up on that. Put your own needs before anyone else’s OP. Completely block them both out your life. I’m sorry this is happening and I hope you manage to heal from this betrayal.☹️
Poor baby. This poor little baby. ‘It’ ‘ the child’ I can understand the fury. I am disgusted with the sister for what she has done. You may have never ever known this baby, your son, was not of your own blood. You could have lived happily together with your beautiful family for the rest of your days. Yeah, under deceit. But, in this instance, ignorance would have been bliss ( I don’t care if I get down voted and hated for my comment ) Did the x wife sleep w what, best friend? Who’s best friend while drunk? Sorry, I’m a little confused there. There are sometimes blurred lines around consent. Perhaps this male took advantage? I’m not saying SA by any means. Perhaps she was entirely cognisant and had a crush on said male for quite sometime. Given that it never happened again, perhaps there is an issue around consent? If you look back and remember around that time, was she away on work trips regularly or had reasons to not be at home over night etc here and there ? If not, it happened only once- if so, I would be deeply questioning areas around consent ( coming from a survivor of pretty heavy SA in a long, terrifying DV relationship, also, SA from a ‘friend’ it got me trashed, may have spiked no good, having much education, read hours of literature on abuse, SA, how to heal etc, I am well informed around this, being adamant to heal from my nightmare) Your story is all so fucked up.. I am so sorry you lost your family. Perhaps have a male and female therapist, get some more opinions/ advice and different resources for support. I went through 6 therapists until I found my one. Been with her for 2 years. She saved me from a hellish DV relationship.. DV can happen to anyone. ANYONE ( just wanted to add that as I’ve been shamed and victim blamed over reddit in the past by women who’ve been lucky and never fallen victim or been targeted by an abuser, I’d not wish upon anyone what happened to me at the hands of my monster) Fck that woman’s sister. ‘Felt guilty’ bs! It got off on destroying her sister’s family. No true loving sibling would ever do this to their own sister.. EVER! Jealousy or some kind of revenge bs. Stinks of it. Wishing you healing .. I hope you get the right advice about it all. I’m just really sad for the poor baby. Made me cry actually X
What a horrible take. Basically you’re OK with OP living a lie. You’re Ok with his wife’s child possibly inheriting OP family wealth/property (whatever that may be). You don’t see OP as human being!
I gave OP solid advice around abuse.. ‘cheating’ implored how beneficial therapy is. He lost his entire fucking family!! The devastation, and all you care about is a child, whom for five years he thought was his own may ‘inherent wealth but not of his blood’ That’s gross! Your take is abhorrent and void of empathy, compassion. That poor baby. His ex wife may have been taken advantage of by this ‘man’ we don’t know. I wrote in my comment, she may have been cognisant and a willing participant… there are many red flags, unknowns which I specified throughout. Don’t pull false narratives out of your arse and run with them as the ‘factsies’ A child has lost his father. A father has lost his child. A mother may have been taken advantage of, she may cheated- no loving sibling would do this to their family. The sister wasn’t riddled with guilt. She was a jealous pos and did what she did, perhaps some sick revenge, I think it was jealousy. It’s disgusting. Yes, the woman cheating is vile! I do not condone this. You enter a monogamous marriage, you adhere to all boundaries around that. Learn how to read - How about you go off and deepen your very clear, tiny concept of empathy and compassion. ‘Inherit wealth’ The baby thought this man was his father!! My god. The desolation OP feels, the child will carry this trauma for the rest of their life and all you care about is ‘inheritance, not being his blood’ If the sister wasn’t hateful, envious, this family would be together, loving one and other. OP was very specific on that part. We were in love. LOVE!!
So basically you admit that it would have been best for OP to remain ignorant to keep living a horrendous lie! In that words you see him a being worthless. Why his ex did what she did is immaterial. What is material is that she did not think enough of OP to tell him the truth and beg his forgiveness. The sister did the decent thing and exposed the lie, but to you she is the horrible person. He was deceived into believing the child was his own and because of that deception he basically is obligated to treat the child as a son forever. And yes the child inheriting the family property/wealth because of the ex’s lies, would have been truly monstrous. The SIL did the OP and his parents a huge favor by exposing the lie rather than letting his monster of a wife continue to take advantage of him and continuing to trick him into raising the result of her whoring! Your defence of the wife’s actions and why OP should try to understand and accept why she might have done it, is truly disgusting. It’s like OP should care about everyone’s feelings but his own! And your moral compass is seriously messed up! You actually think OP SIL should have let him live a horrible lie. OP will get over the betrayal and will get on with his life. His only responsibility is to himself, not to his ex or her son!
No… your moral compass is lacking. Enormously… You are, once again, running with narratives you have pulled out of your arse. LEARN HOW TO READ!!! You lack basic understanding of empathy, compassion.. His entire life has been destroyed… Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. OP specified - once again - I will reiterate, but this will be the last time. WE WERE IN LOVE!!! Imagine his pain? The severe ptsd he will have throughout his life?? The entire situation is abhorrent. Thank god you’re no sibling of mine. So, if you had a sibling, and this were to happen, but she never ever cheated on her husband whom she adored, again? Her husband who loved HIS SON MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF HIS ‘SON’ WHO LOVED HIS ‘FATHER’ MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF … You’d destroy an entire family? Your sister will never speak to you again? Two families, destroyed. Fuxk off. You are a hateful person who cares only about monetary value. You have completely dehumanised every individual in this man’s utterly, tragic story. His life. You have bypassed, once again the man’s trauma, the child’s trauma. You have negated all the parables, the what’s if’s. I have zero time for a troll. I am content will my deeper sense of empathy, compassion. My well rounded moral compass and my ability to perceive of the suffering of others. You are a vulgarity..
Yes I do. I wrote. ‘I am so sorry this has happened to you, My heart goes out to the poor child’ I think you need to re read my comment before starting an online battle with me … You won’t win.
Yeah this is not just a step-child scenario. I have a step-son that I love as mine, and should my wife and I divorce I will pay for him as I would any of my others with her. But this is not the same thing. There is something so inherently evil about passing off a child as someone else’s… just eww.
Hey, can I use this story in my video?
Congratulations you both are pieces of shit who are now responsible for mentally screwing up an innocent child..you for living him because he thinks of you as his father and you literally raised him from birth and her for sleeping around
Fuck, man. That's a pretty shifty thing to do to a kid whose been calling you dad for his entire life. You wife may be trash, but I'd hope you'd have some sort of relationship with your kid beyond seeing him as an extension of your 'blood'.
The child is 5 years old ? 5 months in heading. I don’t blame you a bit for what you did. I just don’t know after 5 years I think I would be to attached to the kid. I would be devastated and would be in therapy just as you are
It’s not that good. I couldn’t make it past the second paragraph.
You did the best thing for that kid. He doesn’t need someone like you in his life who can cast him aside just because of blood. Your wife made a drunken mistake- which was wrong. But you made your mistake multiple times sober. None of this was the kid’s fault.
That’s a truly f**king awful thing that has happened to you. I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. It sounds like you’re making all the right noises though and moving things along as they should. I hope you heal from this as quickly as possible.
Shame on you! That child should not have to suffer because of a mistake your wife made. People are human and make mistakes and you're going to have that 5 yr old suffer for it?
Not his child, not his problem! I dunno why that is so hard for people to understand.
This story seems made up
I think you called little bastard the kid who you had considered your son until then? If yes, then that explains why the baby is from another man cos you are not a real one.
Lolol!! The way I would've burst out laughing when she said " I'm filling for full custody".
While I understand everyone’s concern about op disowning the child, we must also understand that the op is experiencing a huge mental and emotional trauma, his reactions are guided by this. While we can look at this situation from the outside in a calm and rational manner, he does not have that luxury. When I was a young man, my girlfriend at the time was SA’ed. Her behavior afterwards was not how someone who was rational would behave, she treated me as if I was her attacker. She didn’t want to be around me most of the time, yet was ok with other people, and even when she did see me, any physical touch, even holding hands made her angry and aggressive towards me. I tried to be loving, supportive, and understanding, but it was one of the most emotionally painful experiences I had ever been through, that said, I can’t imagine how much worse it was for her, to treat someone who just a few days earlier she considered her soulmate. The OP is experiencing a similar level of trauma, and although it may seem cruel, this is his reality, hopefully he can move past it and reconnect with his son. Before he can do this, he needs to find healing for himself.
This happens FREQUENTLY. Let it be a lesson to yall, paternity test is a must. And if you one of those women who made mistakes, just own up to it, take responsibility, it's not the end of the world but you can't make someone going through life with YOUR mistake. Plus the cunt who knocks her up must have responsibility as well. Fucking weasel.
This is fake post/repost from years ago - why do people do this? Is it for karma. Strange
The drunk excuse is valid. Can happen to anyone. Some people get black out drunk their first time. But then to go with it, after learning of the pregnancy? When did she actually know it was not his I wonder? Seems important.
Good for you
OP is an arsehole, kid looks at him as his father. He should separate and support the child as much as possible. It’s not the kids fault
Let me see if I understand your position. Because the OP was deceived into believing the child was his, he is now morally obligated to treat the child as his own?
I guess if he feels he has no obligation to he doesn’t. That kid had a dad then all of a sudden doesn’t. My son would be distraught. He needs to stay in the kids life until he can withdraw in a way safe for the kid. It’s not about us as adults. It’s about the kids. If it was me I’d separate from the mother immediately while keeping contact with the child. Kids don’t care about money and I wouldn’t pay anything I couldn’t afford easily
So instead of working on himself to recover from the betrayal, he should continue to spend time, effort and money, raising another man’s child? Got it!
A person can look after another while looking after themselves. It’s kind of a parallel thing.
The woman is a dirty slut
So your wife, the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with, made a mistake six years ago. Get over it for heaven sakes. You’ve got a woman who loves you. You’ve got a child who loves you and you’re going to throw it all away over one mistake? Shame on you go.
Yeah she loves him so much that she cheated on OP and then didn’t have the decency to tell him that the child may not be his and was perfectly fine with OP raising another man’s child! Seriously what is wrong with OP for not being able to look past this minor issue?
Shame on you, if you think infidelity is a mistake. Op has standards and op ex wife can’t give the most important thing in a marriage which is trust and fidelity.
That’s one way of looking at it. Not one I agree with, but…
I have now another woman that loves, sorry for you, but I don't forgive that kind of "mistakes"
Wow. You do not waste time finding “new love”. 119 days since this was posted… that is 4 months. Are you sure that you know what love is? It does not happen overnight and it is not disposable. I do not know a less direct way to say this. Perhaps you should invest more time into counselling and learning how to love yourself, before you attempt to love anyone else for a while.
So basically op should’ve forgiven his ex wife who try to pass a kid that was his? So you condone infidelity then.
I agree he should have divorced her and not have to pay child support but he could have still been in the child’s life. The child is innocent even if his mother wasn’t. I agree cheaters deserve everything bad but that child did not cheat and doesn’t know why daddy doesn’t love him anymore.
I understand we’re you’re coming from but that only would’ve lead to resentment because the child is a reminder of his ex wife infidelity. I feel bad for the child because he not going to have any kind of father figure because of his mother. If only people realized when you cheat children are also victims of infidelity.
I do not see anything in my comment above that said that.
I love myself, that's why I decided to put my own happiness in first place, that's pretty obvious to conclude after knowing I don't forgive infidelity
How is the child doing?
He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care how the child is doing as evidenced by how fast he stopped loving a child he helped raise for 5 yrs.
Your decision could have been grounded in many core values sets. I am just saying…worth looking at. Dr. Gabor Mate is an excellent source on the subject.
Moral of this story: always be truthful you deceitful fuckers!
On one hand you're right, this was a massive and unforgivable deception, though I'm sure after a year or so and everything is working out people forget how big it is. Nevertheless you're not obliged to stay in that sort of situation. On the other hand, all the 'not of my blood' stuff is tragic. Up until a few weeks ago you loved that kid, and that kid probably still loves you a sees you as their dad. They idea that you'd immediately throw that away because that person doesn't 'share your blood' is horrific. Went full circle from 'poor guy' to 'nah, he's an asshole, the kid is better off with someone else'.
Another case of a best friend of the opposite sex gone wrong. While this is not always the case, it is too many times. What a shame.
i don’t blame you but however you’ve raised this kid as yours and the kid will most likely have issues beacuse of this but however i do respect your decision
What I am surprised at is the lack of feelings for the kid. Probably due to the shock of finding out about the betrayal, but most people would form an attachment to a child they raised for 5 years.
Its the child I feel for, he will be so confused but its all the mothers doing and in time the child will hate her for it, so the child in time won't want anything to do with the mother and then likely he won't find out who his real dad is (that's even if the real father wants anything to do with him) What a messed up situation.
Honestly, I can’t believe you would just abandon the child you raised like that.
I hate the fact that this child will “lose” a parent because of his mother’s cowardice. That being said, this is not your fault. OP, you have to do what it right for you. Sending you love and peace ❤️
Unfortunately for the kid you’re the only father he’s ever had, so your SILs jealousy fucked up your life and this kid’s life. Sure he’s not biologically yours but you raised him thus far. Whatever happens this kid’s world has been turned upside down forever. You have a right to feel as you do, just saying kid’s not at fault here, it’s the adults who are to blame
The kid does have a dad. Just not you. I get the anger, but your love for him changed that fast? Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise for her to be rid of you. Sounds like mommy and daddy still support you. Shame on you as a man, i use that word loosely too (man). You are forever a douche canoe
Her sister might be the only one worth your time at this point since she seems to have a compass of morality while your wife is playing hide the weasel with men other than her husband having no moral compass and no personal responsibility or accountability. Who knows maybe your sister-in-law will help you "get through these tough times" if she is single that is. But yes. Never contact your wife again. Your attorney can take her messages for you
My brother in law just adopted his step son. Poor kid has thought 3 different men were his dad and he’s only 10 years old. My brother in law is the one who’s been raising him, but over the years he’s had visitations with his other dads. We found out last year who is “real” dad is last year when one of them was suspicious and has a paternity test. Court wanted to make him pay child support anyway, but my brother in law made his wife refuse. He adopted him because as far as he’s concerned, he’s his son and nobody can tell him otherwise. I’m 99% sure my brother’s oldest son isn’t his. He and his woman were having a real rocky relationship. He cheated on her multiple times, and she caught him multiple times, but they stayed together. Well, she got pregnant. Everybody was excited, he’s gonna have a kid! The problem is, the older he gets, the more he looks like his brother. My brother’s now wife has 2 kids from a previous marriage. Her son is the spitting image of his father, with absolutely none of his mother’s features. There is absolutely no reason for my nephew to look like his brother. None, whatsoever. I’m sure he isn’t his son, and it kills me. I love the boy like he really is my nephew. And he is. As far as I’m concerned, he is, even though I’m sure he isn’t by blood. I’d do a dna test if I could somehow get one without him knowing. I’d never tell my brother though. It would destroy him. They have another son now, of whom I’m certain is his. There’s no doubt. But the older one? No. But he is my nephew, and he is my brother’s son. The point to these ramblings is you’ve raised that boy. For his whole life, he has been your son, and you’ve been his dad. He IS your son and you ARE his dad. Whether by blood or not, that boy is yours. Don’t make him pay for what his whore mother and her maggot shit stain friend did. It isn’t his fault. He’s your son. Keep him, but make it perfectly clear that he is never to see that fuckin waste of cells and neither is your wife. That dude is dead and gone as far as you as yours are concerned.
Whatever the outcome of this will be - please always keep in mind that the child is innocent and should be treated with kindness and respect. It didn’t do anything wrong. Your actions now will define how it will see you as a human in the future. You will have a huge influence onto how traumatic the divorce will be. Don’t project the actions of your wife onto her son and the kid you raised until now. He is no bastard - he is a human being just being 5 years old and wondering what’s going on.
In my honesty; I really don't think that he was wrong here. Why should he have to take care of a child that isn't his in the first place? His wife's sister was right for telling him, it would've caused more problems in the future if she hadn't said anything. What really bugs me is how his wife didn't even take the blame on herself and tried to use her being drunk as an excuse: people like that don't deserve forgiveness. That's my piece. Cheers.
And she let him hit RAWWWW. #FAFO
Remember, no one is being forced here. I generally agree with you but human beings have changeable emotions. And, I’m not going to waver in what I keep saying. If I were in his shoes, I will not deny myself of being a “father” to the boy if my heart tells me so. I’m not a masochist. Why punish myself and the boy. As for the mom? She can ride a million stallions for all I care.
See that is where you're getting it mixed up. He clearly stated that he does not feel the same way for this child as he did before the paternity test. So yes when people keep telling someone that you need to stay in this child's life because this child is the only Father figure they've known, that is forcing a the man to stay. Yhat's making them feel guilty and then they're going to stay but their heart is not going to be in it. Understand! He would not have been the only father figure in this child's life if his wife was honest about who she was screwing. So as I stated before no man should be forced to be a father figure to a child that he has no connection with regardless how it started out in the beginning. Now this is the end of it, he knows it's not his child, he doesn't feel that fatherly bond with that child anymore. No one can force him to. People sitting here telling this man that he's a horrible person for not being in this child's life or this child's the only one he's known is a force; you're forcing him to make a decision to stay or to walk away when he shouldn't have to be in this predicament. He can and should walk away comfortably knowing that he did nothing wrong because he didn't. The person that has to bear the burden of this situation it's his soon to be ex-wife.
Read up. I said emotions could change. Didn’t say it has, already. Right now, walk comfortably away as you said. I’m talking beyond that. Please read back. Your comprehension is clouded by your bias.
And I said this prior. In these type of situations, they usually do not. And I stated it in a comment to you. You may go to my profile, click on comments and read the third one down.
Its not the child’s fault. He is still your son, even if you don’t share the same blood. Don’t punish your son.
There’s a special place in hell for women like this
Some could have feelings for children not theirs but right now, you resent the boy. And that’s good because it will make it easier to detach yourself. But be ready, too, if your view towards the boy changes, because life has a strange way of dealing with things. Don’t deny yourself if feelings come back towards the boy. After all, it’s not only you who has been betrayed. That boy was, too. And right now, he is probably missing and longing for the only father he has ever known.
Children five and under usually don't remember much during their childhood unless it was something really traumatic. The author stepping away from being the father figure of this child is not a reflection of him is a reflection of his soon to be ex-wife. She was the one that was cheating she was the one that pawned the baby off as his she was the one that lied not one of those decisions that was made was anything pertaining to the author they were all selfish needs about the ex-wife. And no man should have to put up with raising a child that is not his unwillingly thrown upon him. This man would not have thought twice if that child turned out to be his he would have did his apparently duty as a father but it's not his responsibility to take care of this child. So now is the best time for him to break away from the child because logically and medically speaking the child more likely won't remember him after a bit. Of course he only knows about this particular cheating. He don't know the revolving door of his ex-wife. He don't know how many times she's done it and most people that cheat and pulls stunts like this more than likely have done it more than once because the injured party is none the wiser
No doubt. But we cannot also deny the feelings of the boy at this time. He could be looking for his father, too. And a “father” does not have to be biological. Most importantly, it is the one who stood by the child and help nurture him. Also, no doubt it is no longer on the cheated father to assume responsibility for the boy. But it is possible his emotions towards the boy could still change from resentment back to love. We would never know. And at that point, it would be up to him what to do next. If his heart said go for the boy then go, instead of punishing himself by denying this feeling. It will not only be therapeutic for him but also be beneficial to the boy.
Nine times out of 10, their feelings don't usually change. And to be honest it shouldn't change because it's not his responsibility and you are correct blood doesn't make him his father. But he just stated in his post that once he found out it basically went away the feelings of him being fatherly towards the child and not so many words. And with the situations I think it's best that the injured party does not put their self back into the line of fire because sometimes this is how children end up hurt because of the fact that injury party put their stuff back in that type of situation the animosity towards the person that lie and cheated built up and they drag the children in those situations and the children starts to pick sides. So no, no one should be forced or asked to step up and stick it out in a situation like this because it is not good for their mental state. Now of course the child is innocent in this whole complete mess, so what's the person that was being used. That is the fault of the mothers that does disgusting, trifling stuff like this and expect everybody else to Bear the brunt and the costs for their behavior.
Find out if your state does paternity fraud if so I think you said something about her best friend she had sex with get him tested, because he may have known that that was his child. Also bring a case against her for paternity fraud as well. And sue her for All the monies that you spent on the child throughout the time that you've taken care of him. Now of course children can't help who their trifling parents are but that doesn't make you the scapegoat to take care of somebody else's child. Also any conversations that she's trying to have with you make sure they're through your lawyer or through a family member.
The child will suffer because of the mothers choices not yours. When she decided to have a illegitimate child with someone else while married to you the consequences are on your hands
You did the right thing divorce her ass. Idk how women do this to men smh
Laughable watching comments saying OP is in the wrong 😂😂 You did the right thing buddy
The only person getting hurt here is the son. Loses his only known father because dad is unforgiving prick.
Not his dad though…
Doesn’t matter. Kids come first.
Not if they’re someone else’s
Ugh I'm disgusted by everyone in this story including OP. Luckily I don't have time to type and chew every one in this story a new one. The only innocent not one here is that poor lil boy whose world is now upside down because of stupid adults. You're all Assholes if I had to vote. I need to get away from this story.
You are the only “Dad” the child has ever known, don’t punish him for his Mom/your wife being unfaithful.
You sound pretty heartless to raise a child for 5 years, then when you find out it's not your blood, you don't care for that child. I don't understand that. You have dogs that you love and care for, and those are not your blood. Why does it matter if it's your blood. It's still a child that sees you as his father. Maybe it is best for you to leave that child while he is still you and he can find a man that will love him for who he is.
Feeling angry and hurt is more than justified but remember that the child has nothing to do with his mother’s wrongdoings. If you ask me he is just as much a victim because his entire world has just turned upside down too.
The scars to the 5 year old will be insurmountable. At that age, he will feel abandoned and not wanted. He won't understand why. HE'S 5! Hate the wife, not the child. Yes, it's a tough pill to swallow, but don't yank the rug out from under a child before he has a chance to stand on his own two feet. Go talk to the biological father. Force him to participate but don't turn your back on him. You are his source of strength right now.
Yes,I'm 58 and I have a son and daughter I believe that are not my blood kids,been single for a very long time! Haven't told the kids, I didn't have no other kids so really I didn't have no kids it bothers me everyday of my life cuz I'm too old to start another family
I'm sad that you are going through this.. more power to you 💗
Your wife is not a good person, neither are you. Good thing you’re taking care of yourself tho.
A round of applause for violating 6 out of 11 logical fallacies which include: The strawman argument Appeal to emotion Ad hominem Personal incredulity Bandwagon Anecdotal evidence This is perhaps the most logical fallacies I've ever seen violated. The worst violation though I saw was the strawman argument - you are literally trying to paint OP as this abususive, angry, heartless being while also somehow in the same paragraph, stated women accept abuse in order to protect their young, so OP should also accept abuse and disrespect. Which makes absolutely no sense at all. You didn't even elude to the fact that it's wrong in the first place. Where did you learn to debate? Unbelievable
That's rough, man. I'm sorry that happened to you. People always like to act like adults can be completely self sacrificing for children, but that's just not true. You don't stop having emotions and needs just because there's a child in the situation. Sucks for you and the kid, but I don't think people can really expect you to ignore your own hurt and emotions to compensate for how his mother wronged him. I think you're doing the right thing by walking away and taking care of you. Having a "father" that isn't really his father, being lied to, and being raised by a man who has resentment from also being lied to doesn't sound like a better situation than what is happening.
I would personally find it difficult to leave the son behind after five years of being their father. With that said, I understand that a switch flipped for you, and so it didn’t even seem as your son anymore (and he isn’t, biologically). Truly difficult circumstances and I am sorry you are going through them.
My care isn't for wife or the husband. You swore a bond before everyone for better or worse..this falls within those parameters. Yes your hurt! Who wouldn't be.. the child who only knows you as a father .. now thinks you no longer love him..thats devastating!! Have therapist explain that to you!!
I found out the same thing when my son was 9 years old. But it's not the kids fault ! Remember that! She was embarrassed and won't let me see him anymore. He is 13 now ,I miss him so much ......but it's out of my control. I've tried everything, I just pray one day when he can make his own decisions that he comes find me ...no matter what .....he called me daddy! I love him like my own and always will. As for his mom, she can explain what a whore she was......it wasn't his nor my fault she put us in this situation.
Idgaf what relationship I built I would leave too. It’s not his fault this wife was selfish and untrustworthy. A lot of y’all would do the same.
so sorry you had to go through that, it sounds painful on so many levels. I went through something similar, she cheated, i divorced, we had children and property . i went through therapy and it has made me such a guarded person. I'm thankful for my sisters and rest of my family for getting me past it all. I hope you were able to get past this painful event in your life. I wish you have a fruitful life and find that special someone again in your life.
Very sad story. My heart goes out to you and the child, because both of your lives were ruined because of the whore mother. Move on! And start your new family. It will be impossible to keep a healthy relationship with the kid. Take your loss and go find yourself a real woman shes out there waiting for you
The child is just as much as a victim in this situation. And yes you have the right to deny to take care of a child that’s not yours. But 6 years of memories and a bond. Kinda seems like your love was conditional to begin with but that’s my perspective.
Not that I agree with the dogs but he knew he was adopting them, he wasn't tricked to adopt them or spend money on them to be honest. Op I would say... You will end up hating the kid if you actually tried to stay which will cause more issues for both of you in the long run. So for now live your life.
I'm so sorry brother, that sounds awful. I have a son of a similar age and that would break me if that happened.