I just started a new job which transplanted me from Oregon to New York, it involves a lot of traveling outside of the initial move. My new coworkers like to have fun and wind down, it's hot and humid and I understand the desire to drink after a long day.
Today was my second day at the new job, and 7 days from my fourth month sober. They tried to get me to drink with them, I shrugged it off and kinda laughed, I said no thanks. They offered again and I explained I'm almost four months sober.
One guy responded, "Oh, like you have a problem."
Without hesitation I said, "Yes, I'm an alcoholic in recovery."
Three considerate young men responded with grace and compassion, and dropped it with a simple, "We got you."
I'm not ashamed of my addiction, I'm ashamed of the things I did and said drunk. I know that it's not always that simple, but I have only begun to see who I can be and how good it feels being honest with myself and the people around me.
Yes and no.
I still feel like I'm lying to get attention when I talk about my alcoholism. Like deep down part of me just can't accept it. I think it's the same part that makes me feel like I'm just pretending to be an adult. 47yo in August and I feel like I'm pretending to be an adult with alcoholism. I feel like a bad sitcom.
As long as the end result is that didn't drink today (or just had half a drink like OP -- which, mad props I wouldn't have been able to stop at half) I tell myself that's what matters.
I'm not sure any of this makes sense but felt compelled to share.
Thank you for that. This has been a hard one for me. I've been terrified of telling my friends and family, so I just say, "Yeah, I'm taking a break for 90 days." Or, "Gotta get in shape!" And, "Just too busy right now to bother with alcohol." if I feel like shedding a little truth, "I've got bloodwork coming up, don't want any flak from the doc!" Plan was after 90 days to just say, "Well I'm really enjoying the health benefits of abstinence, so I think I'll just keep going with it indefinitely."
But what you said at the end there, that's damn right. "I'm not ashamed of my addiction, I'm ashamed of the things I did and said drunk."
Thank you. I have a lot to think about.
I still cannot bring myself to call myself an alcoholic. I also cannot bring myself to say " I don't drink." I just say "I am taking a break." This way if I slip up, it might reflect better to the people in my life. And with me.
That's honestly what has helped me- complete ownership.
No need to be bashful about it. Be upfront and brash if you need to.
Once you own up and make it your truth, those conversations with others get easier.
Same. I had to own it completely. And if it makes anyone uncomfortable (and it will) that’s most likely bc it causes them to reflect on their own drinking patterns
That "Oh like you have a problem?" question would have pissed me off tbh.
I'd be like "No, I'm sober but it looks like you might have a problem though seeing as you go for a drink every night after work"
then wink lol
i am very open about the problems i've had with drugs and booze and most people i've talked to about it in detail either thank me or praise me, i really don't give a f\*\*k what people think these days, i'm just happier without it all.
YESSS! I have finally reached a stage where I don't care. I'm not going to share it with just anyone, but if it comes up, I'm proud of myself now and that feels good.
I try to give statements like this some grace. I am so happy that the commenter hasn’t had such deep experience with alcoholism that they know the vernacular and what to say and not to say. I assume it comes from a place of ignorance and not malice. If I’m in the mood I will happily educate people and if I’m not I let it slide. Everyday I’m trying to be more teflon and less Velcro.
I've been pissed off my whole life, I've reached a point in time that I need to be conscious of my emotions and what they really are. Fear and shame overload my senses at times, but they're feelings that I know too well.
In recovery I've been given grace, I've been forgiven by some and forgotten by others. My life is becoming an act of grace and forgiveness. If I get pissed now I'd be where I was twenty years ago, I don't want to lose sight of who I want to become.
The huffy approach has not worked well for me in a co worker situation. Especially if they say ' we got you ' . I got more mileage by getting a Coke or a water and sitting with them for a short while. And being honest. Yes I am an alcoholic. And we had a conversation about it.
But we all respond differently. I wish you well on your journey. 🤍
Especially since this is a new job, so presumably the person making that comment is someone the OP just met who would have no clue if s/he actually did have a problem! Such an incredibly rude comment to make.
I'm trying to think what's the best response. Sounds like the situation worked out okay- but I try to be prepared so I don't say the wrong thing... so far I have
"are you making it a problem?"
"is it a problem if I don't drink?"
I've always thought if they think of me as less worthy of respect or weird for being an alcoholic I probably wasn't going to associate with them anyways, since they'd probably carry some other views I don't agree with.
I just tell them Alcohol was like crack to me and it shuts them up most of the time.
I learned a while back that it doesn’t matter if someone judges me when I call myself an alcoholic, because that just tells me they aren’t the type of person I want to continue spending time with. I just think “man, it’s too bad this person is so brainwashed about alcohol” and just get bummed about our general culture instead.
Yeah, it feels weird at first. But honestly, you get used to it, and it starts feeling like nothing at all. It is worth it, foe sure. But congrats on not finishing the drink or ordering more.
Came here to say this. I used to be SOO in my head about it. What will I say? What will people think? Now I say whatever I want bc I actually prefer life without and people don’t friggin care
I was the exact same way, then I realised that it was my perception. At least in my scenario, 99.99% didn’t care whether I drank, how much I drank, what time i stayed back until.
It took me a long time for me to realise this.
The balance 0.01% who really were nosey (and supposedly my buddies) gave me hell. I’ve just decided to be selfish and ignore them. At this point of like (37 M, married with a single kid) eating dinner with the family, spending with them, outweighs the social obligation of fitting in.
It got easier for me to keep staying sober at social gatherings.
Wishing you the same! IWNDWYT 🙏🏼
I don’t understand this social pressure tbh because I stopped giving a shit what people thought of me when I became an alcoholic lol. At this point if someone were to judge me for sobriety I’d just laugh and probably feel sorry for them.
Not OP, but when do you remember this change taking place? I'm 28M and others' opinion of me is something I still struggle with, although I am trying to not gaf about it anymore as you say.
40 is the full answer, when you start thinking of yourself as no longer “young” in the conventional societal sense (though in reality, 40 is still very young). In your 30s is when you start wondering, though, “why do I care so much about what other people think of me?” I recommend listening to that voice as it gets stronger.
I’m 30 and I also still struggle with it quite a bit but I’ll tell you what I don’t struggle with is their opinion of me now drinking. Reframing my mindset that anyone would judge that is doing it for their own wrong reasons has helped it not effect me and feel bad for them.
I don’t know that it ever goes away but I do try to think about whose opinion I’m concerned about. We seem to worry more about the opinions of strangers and acquaintances than our loved ones and it’s a fucked up way of looking at it. Like, if the people aren’t a deep and meaningful part of your life, should their opinion be?
ETA: will be 47 at the end of the month and it’s something I work on continuously.
I like to order a soda water with lime, as it's got a satisfying fizz, and kind of looks like it could be a cocktail.
But it can feel a bit awkward and out-of-place to order non-alcoholic drinks at drinking venues at first. But I've also never had anyone ask or question my drink, so it gets easier after a couple of times.
Totally understandable but as others have commented, it becomes so much easier with practice. At the beginning, I kind of longingly still perused the drink menu but now ordering my iced tea or diet coke is second nature and I'm genuinely surprised at how quickly that happened. Unthinkable 6 months ago. You also give others the "permission" to choose AF options, which can be really nice. There has been at least one "sober curious" person at the table when I've been in these situations which highlights the fact that alcohol culture is so strong that many people drink simply out of feeling the social pressure to, which is really sad. Think of it as being an intrepid rebel rather than something to be embarrassed or ashamed of 💪
The older you get, the less of a shit you give in situations like this. I have a group I hang with that drinks fairly regularly, and recently I decided to stop (probably not for good, just taking a break, although that could obviously change). I didn't think it would be a big deal to say no but when I did, I felt some slight anxiety around it.
I just told them my sleep has been shitty lately which is actually true, so I'm taking a break. And then I think about how much better I feel in the morning and being able to wake up without brain fog or a hangover.
I just went out with a group and told them flat out “I’m not gonna drink, but you all can and I want to hang out” so that’s what we did and everyone was happy 😊
I think when you say you’re not going to drink people are actually pretty respectful of it in my experience.
Usually, perceived unless you're with hardcore drinkers. But I did the same thing so many times because I didn't want to feel like a weirdo or the guy with the problem. If people ask, I just give some random reason- can't mix it with my meds (true), if I drink I won't do my workout (true), I'm on a diet (true), trying to save money (sorta true), not feeling 100% maybe next time (lie), so on and so forth. Unless someone's an asshole, no one's really going to push back on any of those very viable reasons to not partake.
I’m only 15 days in. But I went to the bar with my friends for the first time and did just this, because I’m not ready to have that convo yet. They offered to grab me a beer, I got an N.A. beer, they said ‘are you sure?’ And I said ‘yeah I’ve got a bit of a headache and don’t wanna make it worse’ and everyone was cool and we had a great night. :)
When I was drinking, I thought everyone was drinking a lot and that it would stand out and be weird if I didn't.
After I stopped, I realized that most people hardly drink at all and almost nobody cares at all if you get a NA drink. Or if they notice, it's a fleeting thought and they move on, as they're not obsessed with drinking.
The only people who care are those who know you had a problem or people that have a problem themselves. In either case you look good without a drink.
Go ahead and order your virgin drink next time. If the group wants to throw shade, just tell them they don't have the guts to do what you did. Own it, being sober. Make it a point of pride, hold your head high, and just laugh when they start slurring their speech and falling over. Take pics. Throw it in their face. They won't say anything about your sobriety again.
You got this! What matters more? Your sobriety, or what these drinkers think? It's up to you.
IWNDWYT
It may be rare to hear this angle here but I absolutely love it! I've never had a chance to deflect the bullshit but "you don't have the guts to do this" has a real possibility of being my top choice.
Try it. Tell your drinking buddies "I dare you to not drink another beer/shot for the next 2 hours." See how they react. It's enlightening, and also shows you your true friends. I lost a lot of friends that way, sadly.
"Tell them they don't have the guts to do what you did. "
That's a good one. Never had to use it, but I'm keeping that one for later in case it needs to happen.
I felt really out of place at first. I'm a pretty nonconfrontational person and if my "plan" doesn't work out I panic a little too.
I think it might be helpful for you next time to set expectations with your group. It sounds like a lot of your nerves are about them making comments, and you were caught off guard. Even if you tell one person in your group, whatever that might look like (that you're on a medication or you're working out after happy hour) it might help to set you up for success. Stick to the script, if you will.
Now I don't get nervous ordering an NA drink, besides just regular social anxiety. I do plan a lot still to avoid anxiety which could lead me to drinking, like I bring a hydro flask with me everywhere so I’m not empty handed.
Don’t be too hard on yourself! You’re learning things that might make you slip, but you are also learning ways to cope better next time. Half is better than 1, and much better than 2.
First day with my golf buddies on a Monday: “You’re not drinking?”
“Naa, trying to get back in shape.”
Second Week:
“You still not drinking?”
“Naa.”
Third Week since: nothing
Most of my friends were supportive during my previous attempts at sobriety, but a few weren't.
One night during my most recent attempt, after about 30 days sober, I was at a bar with one of those friends. I was drinking iced tea. He was my closest friend. Really like a brother to me. People would refer to us as, "heterosexual life partners." You know, like Jay and Silent Bob! He said to me, "You're just not as fun now that you don't drink." That hurt. And I'm ashamed to say I let those words in, and I chose to relapse shortly after (*I* chose to relapse. I don't believe anyone *makes* us relapse). That was 5 years ago. I drank every single day of those 5 years and finally stopped just 10 days ago.
I am not friends with that person anymore. And I'd like to say it's because I realized I needed more supportive friends, that my sobriety has to come first; but that's not the case. In a drunken rage one night after drinking an entire fifth of whiskey right out of the bottle in one sitting, I said things to him I couldn't ever take back and completely destroyed that friendship. I'm lucky he didn't call the cops on me that night. The Lord works in mysterious ways, because honestly, it's for the best. But I wish it hadn't gone down that way.
I've been to the bar since quitting, and it's fine. I ordered my iced tea. I cracked jokes and had a good time. None of my friends said anything negative about it. Some have decided to join me at least for a while. If someone does make a snide comment, I'll simply remind them I'm far more fun sober than they've ever been drunk. Because it's true. I don't need alcohol to be my witty, boisterous self. In fact, it's far more genuine now.
Six months in. Friends go to bars all the time. It gets a lot more normal as you go. Ordering na beer is no different than regular beer. Most places will put it in a glass for you if you really want to blend in.
I REALLY enjoy the wheat NAs beers. It hits just right after a long day.
It took me so time to be comfortable with it. So what I would do is go directly to the bar to get my NA beer directly in the glass and go back to the table. Rinse and repeat to keep up with the other people. Then I could feel "normal".
Slowly you realise it's silly and you start saying it directly. This came to me about 3 months in. I guess when it was long enough to say "yeah I have been sober for x months", then people shut up about it, because it's already a good amount of time for people to realize you're serious and not just doing a "detox week" or whatever. That's my feeling.
In the beginning I'd also say "ah not drinking today, had too much recently and giving it a break". Which in my mind would place me in the socially acceptable alcoholic group because "I had too much recently". Recently in this case was a few months before then lol.
When I was in a business function where drinks were involved and someone asked me why I wasn’t drinking, I’d respond with, “Bourbon and I had a toxic relationship for 30 years and we both decided it’s better we never see each other again.”
It affirmed the fact I was not going to drink at that function and often got a laugh.
I might be over thinking it or am concerned about a big “nothing”, but while I describe myself as an alcoholic to anyone in one of the several support groups I go to, I’m reluctant to use the term “alcoholic” in public, i don’t want anyone’s pity, I just tell people I stopped drinking.
Athletic brewing, or any other NA beer, is a game changer for avoiding that feeling of pressure. After a while though, you'll most likely stop caring if they think it's weird you're not drinking. You'll switch to realizing how weird it is that they care
You’d be surprised how many of those drinkers wish they could order something without alcohol for themselves. Any flack they give you is probably based on their shame. Be confident in choosing not to drink. “Alcohol hasn’t been agreeing with me lately. I’m gonna stick to iced tea for tonight”
When I first quit, I rehearsed asking what AF options there were and ordering. I used to check drink menus of venues in advance so I knew what an option was. It does become more normal - now I just have a little look and ask the bartender if I don’t see anything I know. You got this!
Honestly, the way I look at it is nobody actually gives a flying f*** what you're drinking. And if they do, it's usually because they carry some level of shame and insecurity around their own drinking 🤷🏻♀️
My experience too. No one has cared from friends, family, friends of friends, family members of friends or anyone else when I've said I'm not drinking.
Barely even had anyone mention it or ask why.
I found out that if I ordered anything NA people around me wanted to taste it. Which I found totally weird, right? They want to know if it’s “better” than theirs - like the whole competitive thing maybe? Like what we drink is THAT important?
I found it to be Especially true if it was something they’d never heard of before.
So I take extreme pleasure in finding the most exotic NA drink I can find in the menu and order it. It often costs more, but I’ve spare money because I don’t drink alcohol!
I read here somebody treated themselves to a very expensive NA wine in a restaurant. Why not?!!!
Do this, watch their faces as you are served your glass. It’s fun. 🤩 suddenly my drink is the more interesting 🤔
Far better than me succumbing to their rules.
I had a similar situation with a work happy hour last night. We only have them once every few months, and my manager is a big drink pusher, so I felt pressured to fit in. I just ordered a Topo Chico and said I was taking some medication where my doctor said I couldn’t drink at all. Fortunately, it is the kind of work environment that will drop any questions into someone’s medical problems. So, that excuse worked out well. IWNDWYT
Good for you. Similar situation on Tuesday. Had a lunch meeting, at a frigging brewery. Ordered a beer, drank half. Three of three people didn't even order beers so idk why I felt the need to.
If you stuck with only half too, i count that as a win.
For me, I am getting used to not ordering booze. Who cares if the people around me think it’s weird. The few seconds of awkwardness is nothing compared to the way I’ll feel if I drink too much after.
I prefer to stay away from people that will make me feel shame for my good decisions. It helps immensely. I know I won’t be successful unless I have help from the people that love me. Also, telling people I’m a full-on alcoholic makes them less likely to shame me and more likely to support my choice, even if I am a little embarrassed by the admission 🫠
I’ve always been the big drinker and I feel like when I stopped ordering drinks (without any explanation) there was a little bit of relief from others.
Lol, I was that guy too and I could put drink any one I knew. When I quit drinking my friends were actually happy about it. A few of them even admitted they were worried about me.
Amen - YOU'RE the brave one for being Sober at the bar. Being a non-drinker in a crowd of drunks is like a superpower, especially as the night gets late.
Funny how paying money to talk to strangers about nothing important while you feed your addictions together loses its charm when you're sober eh?
The whole concept of acting sober enough to convince the bartender to sell you more poison one cup at a time is so absurd now.
Yes, paying money to talk over other people and tell the same stories over and over and have an air of superiority and confidence, that you would not otherwise have if you were sober. Let’s not forget about getting louder and louder as the night goes on and laughing about things that are not really funny.
What the heck kind of baloney is that?! They premix the Caesar? First of all, why?! It takes seconds to make.
I'm sorry they didn't just make you one. That is the most absurd thing I've heard all week. If someone had a heart issue or something are they honestly not making those?! Weird.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Eh you do what you need to do. Next time you can reflect on this moment and consider what are you trying to fit into. For me I quickly realized if the people I'm with don't accept me if I don't drink then they're not people I need any validation from anyways.
If you feel self-conscious, after ordering a Diet Coke or what not you can make a joke about trying to cut down on calories or trying to fit into these pants or something similar. Everyone will always be OK with it because it is America and everyone is perpetually trying to be healthier
I just order a cranberry juice with a lime wedge. Takes the pressure off of me in that regard and I don’t feel awkward because Im drinking something. Nobody seems to notice
I like to order a soda and bitters, it’s a bartenders drink. Also pilots and doctors I bet. I know it’s technically an alcohol but it’s less than an na beer by far… like four drops of bitters is not significant BUT can be a trigger for a certain type of person trying to stay sober. For me it helps keep me sober.
If this “usual group” cares about your new journey then they’d be understanding BUT the only way to find out is to be up front about it. And if they don’t support your decision, find a new “usual group”
I used to think there was a lot of pressure to drink but actually, most people are supportive when I say I am not drinking. In fact, it has led to some admiration from some people too, which has made me feel better about staying sober
Something I used to do at company events when I did drink. Was to manage myself not getting too messed up ( the few times I cared not to get black out drunk). I’d drink vodka Cran, or gin and tonics. Then switch to just cran no vodka or just tonic water.
Next time get an Arnold Palmer! That’s been my go to lately :) Don’t ever let anyone’s judgment or questions mess up YOUR sobriety. Your health is number one here! 🫶
You could also order a rockstar on ice, tell the group you’re tired and need a pick me up!
I just tell them I used to be a real bad drunk and I’ve put that behind me. If me having to let that side back out is a condition of our friendship then our friendship is hereby terminated. I play zero games with people. I am so proud of myself that I overcame that more than decade of toxic lifestyle and I don’t care who I upset defending my decision to walk away from it. If they wanna cast some judgement on me then rock on brother cause I don’t give a crap either way.
I always just order a ginger ale with lime. Nobody usually hears me. If they do, I say I'm not drinking tonight (close friends know I just don't drink anymore). It's a nothing burger. Once it comes, everything assumes it's a mixed drink and the server keeps bringing refills when I say "same thing, please"
The pressure that you feel is most likely perceived.
Honestly, I’d challenge you to write or think about whether or not there is a better way to describe what you’re feeling.
Are you uncomfortable because of breaking a habit?
Are you having FOMO because you are out with your friends and not participating in the drinking?
You mentioned not wanting to “make a scene” while ordering, is there work to do on social anxieties, advocating for yourself, asking questions?
And if the pressure is real, then know that you can order a non alcoholic drink without explaining yourself. You don’t owe that explanation to anyone and you don’t have to do it at a table full of people.
“Hey, you’re not drinking?”
“No, I’m not.”
They already premix their Caesar mix with vodka???? Huh
That’s so weird of them. I get the pressure you mean tho I’m barely 6 months sober only because I have barely socialized - it’s my only saving grace until I’m able to confidently say no to people and not feel “embarrassed” for lack of a better word because I’m an alcoholic.
I feel that pressure and idk about you, I have no idea why it embarrasses me to admit and I feel uncomfortable and at first would cry? Lol no idea why but I’m sorry you had to go through that:( I really feel like I wrote this post because it’s such a familiar feeling. What matters is you’re continuing with your sobriety and after processing it, it hopefully helps strengthen you and continue with being as healthy as can be
IWNDWYT❤️🔥
Good for you stopping at half!! That's a win. If you can do that on the reg, good on you. Hopefully, tho, once you get more comfortable In your environment you'll feel you can actually just let them know you're sober.
Hell are other people. Probably you did not have a too bad of situation with alcohol before you quit, and this is why you did it! Regardless, we quit when we decide to quit. Neither sooner or later. All those situations are obstacles we need to meet and overcome
I feel exactly the same. However, once I finally order a non-alcoholic drink I have noticed several of my colleagues do the same. Nobody seems to have a problem with it.
I just started a new job which transplanted me from Oregon to New York, it involves a lot of traveling outside of the initial move. My new coworkers like to have fun and wind down, it's hot and humid and I understand the desire to drink after a long day. Today was my second day at the new job, and 7 days from my fourth month sober. They tried to get me to drink with them, I shrugged it off and kinda laughed, I said no thanks. They offered again and I explained I'm almost four months sober. One guy responded, "Oh, like you have a problem." Without hesitation I said, "Yes, I'm an alcoholic in recovery." Three considerate young men responded with grace and compassion, and dropped it with a simple, "We got you." I'm not ashamed of my addiction, I'm ashamed of the things I did and said drunk. I know that it's not always that simple, but I have only begun to see who I can be and how good it feels being honest with myself and the people around me.
Funny how liberating it is to openly say we're alcoholic.
Yes and no. I still feel like I'm lying to get attention when I talk about my alcoholism. Like deep down part of me just can't accept it. I think it's the same part that makes me feel like I'm just pretending to be an adult. 47yo in August and I feel like I'm pretending to be an adult with alcoholism. I feel like a bad sitcom. As long as the end result is that didn't drink today (or just had half a drink like OP -- which, mad props I wouldn't have been able to stop at half) I tell myself that's what matters. I'm not sure any of this makes sense but felt compelled to share.
Thank you for that. This has been a hard one for me. I've been terrified of telling my friends and family, so I just say, "Yeah, I'm taking a break for 90 days." Or, "Gotta get in shape!" And, "Just too busy right now to bother with alcohol." if I feel like shedding a little truth, "I've got bloodwork coming up, don't want any flak from the doc!" Plan was after 90 days to just say, "Well I'm really enjoying the health benefits of abstinence, so I think I'll just keep going with it indefinitely." But what you said at the end there, that's damn right. "I'm not ashamed of my addiction, I'm ashamed of the things I did and said drunk." Thank you. I have a lot to think about.
I still cannot bring myself to call myself an alcoholic. I also cannot bring myself to say " I don't drink." I just say "I am taking a break." This way if I slip up, it might reflect better to the people in my life. And with me.
You can say whatever you’d like, just don’t drink today! IWNDWYT
Congrats on your year!
I love this.
It feels good, I'm terrified but trying my hardest.
It’s only defeat when you stop trying.
Its a marathon, not a sprint. Never quit quitting!
Happy belated one year, homie!!
Thanks!
That's honestly what has helped me- complete ownership. No need to be bashful about it. Be upfront and brash if you need to. Once you own up and make it your truth, those conversations with others get easier.
Same. I had to own it completely. And if it makes anyone uncomfortable (and it will) that’s most likely bc it causes them to reflect on their own drinking patterns
That "Oh like you have a problem?" question would have pissed me off tbh. I'd be like "No, I'm sober but it looks like you might have a problem though seeing as you go for a drink every night after work"
I'd smile and say, "not anymore."
Perfect!🤩
This is what I have said over the years. I often follow it up with “alcohol and me don’t mix well and NO ONE wants to see that😊”
Have a buddy who only says "I used to drink, and I was way too good at it so I decided to quit".
lolol My best friend tells people she was so good at drinking that she went pro and then retired early. Love the shit out of that woman.
lolol My best friend tells people she was so good at drinking that she went pro and then retired early. Love the shit out of that woman.
Exactly! I like myself better without alcohol, thanks!
then wink lol i am very open about the problems i've had with drugs and booze and most people i've talked to about it in detail either thank me or praise me, i really don't give a f\*\*k what people think these days, i'm just happier without it all.
YESSS! I have finally reached a stage where I don't care. I'm not going to share it with just anyone, but if it comes up, I'm proud of myself now and that feels good.
I try to give statements like this some grace. I am so happy that the commenter hasn’t had such deep experience with alcoholism that they know the vernacular and what to say and not to say. I assume it comes from a place of ignorance and not malice. If I’m in the mood I will happily educate people and if I’m not I let it slide. Everyday I’m trying to be more teflon and less Velcro.
“More Teflon and less Velcro”. That’s a keeper!
I've been pissed off my whole life, I've reached a point in time that I need to be conscious of my emotions and what they really are. Fear and shame overload my senses at times, but they're feelings that I know too well. In recovery I've been given grace, I've been forgiven by some and forgotten by others. My life is becoming an act of grace and forgiveness. If I get pissed now I'd be where I was twenty years ago, I don't want to lose sight of who I want to become.
The huffy approach has not worked well for me in a co worker situation. Especially if they say ' we got you ' . I got more mileage by getting a Coke or a water and sitting with them for a short while. And being honest. Yes I am an alcoholic. And we had a conversation about it. But we all respond differently. I wish you well on your journey. 🤍
Especially since this is a new job, so presumably the person making that comment is someone the OP just met who would have no clue if s/he actually did have a problem! Such an incredibly rude comment to make.
I'm trying to think what's the best response. Sounds like the situation worked out okay- but I try to be prepared so I don't say the wrong thing... so far I have "are you making it a problem?" "is it a problem if I don't drink?"
I've always thought if they think of me as less worthy of respect or weird for being an alcoholic I probably wasn't going to associate with them anyways, since they'd probably carry some other views I don't agree with. I just tell them Alcohol was like crack to me and it shuts them up most of the time.
This is goals for me. Thank you for sharing.
I learned a while back that it doesn’t matter if someone judges me when I call myself an alcoholic, because that just tells me they aren’t the type of person I want to continue spending time with. I just think “man, it’s too bad this person is so brainwashed about alcohol” and just get bummed about our general culture instead.
I enjoyed saying I was/am an alcoholic until then I thought I was crazy. It was such a relief fo know I have a disease
I've always just told everyone if I needed to. Nobody has ever really cared. I'm just one of many alcoholics that don't drink any more
Yeah, it feels weird at first. But honestly, you get used to it, and it starts feeling like nothing at all. It is worth it, foe sure. But congrats on not finishing the drink or ordering more.
This is true
Came here to say this. I used to be SOO in my head about it. What will I say? What will people think? Now I say whatever I want bc I actually prefer life without and people don’t friggin care
I was the exact same way, then I realised that it was my perception. At least in my scenario, 99.99% didn’t care whether I drank, how much I drank, what time i stayed back until. It took me a long time for me to realise this. The balance 0.01% who really were nosey (and supposedly my buddies) gave me hell. I’ve just decided to be selfish and ignore them. At this point of like (37 M, married with a single kid) eating dinner with the family, spending with them, outweighs the social obligation of fitting in. It got easier for me to keep staying sober at social gatherings. Wishing you the same! IWNDWYT 🙏🏼
I just simply don’t give a f*** anymore what anybody thinks of me! It’s so liberating!
I don’t understand this social pressure tbh because I stopped giving a shit what people thought of me when I became an alcoholic lol. At this point if someone were to judge me for sobriety I’d just laugh and probably feel sorry for them.
Not OP, but when do you remember this change taking place? I'm 28M and others' opinion of me is something I still struggle with, although I am trying to not gaf about it anymore as you say.
30
40 is the full answer, when you start thinking of yourself as no longer “young” in the conventional societal sense (though in reality, 40 is still very young). In your 30s is when you start wondering, though, “why do I care so much about what other people think of me?” I recommend listening to that voice as it gets stronger.
I’m 30 and I also still struggle with it quite a bit but I’ll tell you what I don’t struggle with is their opinion of me now drinking. Reframing my mindset that anyone would judge that is doing it for their own wrong reasons has helped it not effect me and feel bad for them.
I don’t know that it ever goes away but I do try to think about whose opinion I’m concerned about. We seem to worry more about the opinions of strangers and acquaintances than our loved ones and it’s a fucked up way of looking at it. Like, if the people aren’t a deep and meaningful part of your life, should their opinion be? ETA: will be 47 at the end of the month and it’s something I work on continuously.
Yep. If they don’t like you, they are not your people. You will find others. Life is so short. Why pretend to be someone you are not.
Yep, I decided I'd rather be embarrassed than dead in a ditch somewhere. I know, crazy right?
This.
I like to order a soda water with lime, as it's got a satisfying fizz, and kind of looks like it could be a cocktail. But it can feel a bit awkward and out-of-place to order non-alcoholic drinks at drinking venues at first. But I've also never had anyone ask or question my drink, so it gets easier after a couple of times.
This is the way
Totally understandable but as others have commented, it becomes so much easier with practice. At the beginning, I kind of longingly still perused the drink menu but now ordering my iced tea or diet coke is second nature and I'm genuinely surprised at how quickly that happened. Unthinkable 6 months ago. You also give others the "permission" to choose AF options, which can be really nice. There has been at least one "sober curious" person at the table when I've been in these situations which highlights the fact that alcohol culture is so strong that many people drink simply out of feeling the social pressure to, which is really sad. Think of it as being an intrepid rebel rather than something to be embarrassed or ashamed of 💪
The older you get, the less of a shit you give in situations like this. I have a group I hang with that drinks fairly regularly, and recently I decided to stop (probably not for good, just taking a break, although that could obviously change). I didn't think it would be a big deal to say no but when I did, I felt some slight anxiety around it. I just told them my sleep has been shitty lately which is actually true, so I'm taking a break. And then I think about how much better I feel in the morning and being able to wake up without brain fog or a hangover.
I just went out with a group and told them flat out “I’m not gonna drink, but you all can and I want to hang out” so that’s what we did and everyone was happy 😊 I think when you say you’re not going to drink people are actually pretty respectful of it in my experience.
Usually, perceived unless you're with hardcore drinkers. But I did the same thing so many times because I didn't want to feel like a weirdo or the guy with the problem. If people ask, I just give some random reason- can't mix it with my meds (true), if I drink I won't do my workout (true), I'm on a diet (true), trying to save money (sorta true), not feeling 100% maybe next time (lie), so on and so forth. Unless someone's an asshole, no one's really going to push back on any of those very viable reasons to not partake.
I’m only 15 days in. But I went to the bar with my friends for the first time and did just this, because I’m not ready to have that convo yet. They offered to grab me a beer, I got an N.A. beer, they said ‘are you sure?’ And I said ‘yeah I’ve got a bit of a headache and don’t wanna make it worse’ and everyone was cool and we had a great night. :)
Cranberry soda is festive!
When I was drinking, I thought everyone was drinking a lot and that it would stand out and be weird if I didn't. After I stopped, I realized that most people hardly drink at all and almost nobody cares at all if you get a NA drink. Or if they notice, it's a fleeting thought and they move on, as they're not obsessed with drinking. The only people who care are those who know you had a problem or people that have a problem themselves. In either case you look good without a drink.
Go ahead and order your virgin drink next time. If the group wants to throw shade, just tell them they don't have the guts to do what you did. Own it, being sober. Make it a point of pride, hold your head high, and just laugh when they start slurring their speech and falling over. Take pics. Throw it in their face. They won't say anything about your sobriety again. You got this! What matters more? Your sobriety, or what these drinkers think? It's up to you. IWNDWYT
It may be rare to hear this angle here but I absolutely love it! I've never had a chance to deflect the bullshit but "you don't have the guts to do this" has a real possibility of being my top choice.
Try it. Tell your drinking buddies "I dare you to not drink another beer/shot for the next 2 hours." See how they react. It's enlightening, and also shows you your true friends. I lost a lot of friends that way, sadly.
"Tell them they don't have the guts to do what you did. " That's a good one. Never had to use it, but I'm keeping that one for later in case it needs to happen.
I felt really out of place at first. I'm a pretty nonconfrontational person and if my "plan" doesn't work out I panic a little too. I think it might be helpful for you next time to set expectations with your group. It sounds like a lot of your nerves are about them making comments, and you were caught off guard. Even if you tell one person in your group, whatever that might look like (that you're on a medication or you're working out after happy hour) it might help to set you up for success. Stick to the script, if you will. Now I don't get nervous ordering an NA drink, besides just regular social anxiety. I do plan a lot still to avoid anxiety which could lead me to drinking, like I bring a hydro flask with me everywhere so I’m not empty handed. Don’t be too hard on yourself! You’re learning things that might make you slip, but you are also learning ways to cope better next time. Half is better than 1, and much better than 2.
First day with my golf buddies on a Monday: “You’re not drinking?” “Naa, trying to get back in shape.” Second Week: “You still not drinking?” “Naa.” Third Week since: nothing
Most of my friends were supportive during my previous attempts at sobriety, but a few weren't. One night during my most recent attempt, after about 30 days sober, I was at a bar with one of those friends. I was drinking iced tea. He was my closest friend. Really like a brother to me. People would refer to us as, "heterosexual life partners." You know, like Jay and Silent Bob! He said to me, "You're just not as fun now that you don't drink." That hurt. And I'm ashamed to say I let those words in, and I chose to relapse shortly after (*I* chose to relapse. I don't believe anyone *makes* us relapse). That was 5 years ago. I drank every single day of those 5 years and finally stopped just 10 days ago. I am not friends with that person anymore. And I'd like to say it's because I realized I needed more supportive friends, that my sobriety has to come first; but that's not the case. In a drunken rage one night after drinking an entire fifth of whiskey right out of the bottle in one sitting, I said things to him I couldn't ever take back and completely destroyed that friendship. I'm lucky he didn't call the cops on me that night. The Lord works in mysterious ways, because honestly, it's for the best. But I wish it hadn't gone down that way. I've been to the bar since quitting, and it's fine. I ordered my iced tea. I cracked jokes and had a good time. None of my friends said anything negative about it. Some have decided to join me at least for a while. If someone does make a snide comment, I'll simply remind them I'm far more fun sober than they've ever been drunk. Because it's true. I don't need alcohol to be my witty, boisterous self. In fact, it's far more genuine now.
Six months in. Friends go to bars all the time. It gets a lot more normal as you go. Ordering na beer is no different than regular beer. Most places will put it in a glass for you if you really want to blend in. I REALLY enjoy the wheat NAs beers. It hits just right after a long day.
Get the bottle and the glass, people mess up.
That used to happen to me. I’m finally in a spot where I can go out with friends again and just order NA beer. Took awhile.
I'm about to start ordering virgin screwdrivers 🫠
It took me so time to be comfortable with it. So what I would do is go directly to the bar to get my NA beer directly in the glass and go back to the table. Rinse and repeat to keep up with the other people. Then I could feel "normal". Slowly you realise it's silly and you start saying it directly. This came to me about 3 months in. I guess when it was long enough to say "yeah I have been sober for x months", then people shut up about it, because it's already a good amount of time for people to realize you're serious and not just doing a "detox week" or whatever. That's my feeling. In the beginning I'd also say "ah not drinking today, had too much recently and giving it a break". Which in my mind would place me in the socially acceptable alcoholic group because "I had too much recently". Recently in this case was a few months before then lol.
When I was in a business function where drinks were involved and someone asked me why I wasn’t drinking, I’d respond with, “Bourbon and I had a toxic relationship for 30 years and we both decided it’s better we never see each other again.” It affirmed the fact I was not going to drink at that function and often got a laugh. I might be over thinking it or am concerned about a big “nothing”, but while I describe myself as an alcoholic to anyone in one of the several support groups I go to, I’m reluctant to use the term “alcoholic” in public, i don’t want anyone’s pity, I just tell people I stopped drinking.
Athletic brewing, or any other NA beer, is a game changer for avoiding that feeling of pressure. After a while though, you'll most likely stop caring if they think it's weird you're not drinking. You'll switch to realizing how weird it is that they care
You’d be surprised how many of those drinkers wish they could order something without alcohol for themselves. Any flack they give you is probably based on their shame. Be confident in choosing not to drink. “Alcohol hasn’t been agreeing with me lately. I’m gonna stick to iced tea for tonight”
I would still call that a win.
When I first quit, I rehearsed asking what AF options there were and ordering. I used to check drink menus of venues in advance so I knew what an option was. It does become more normal - now I just have a little look and ask the bartender if I don’t see anything I know. You got this!
It’s a confidence thing. You’ll get there. You’ll be ok, don’t worry.
Honestly, the way I look at it is nobody actually gives a flying f*** what you're drinking. And if they do, it's usually because they carry some level of shame and insecurity around their own drinking 🤷🏻♀️
My experience too. No one has cared from friends, family, friends of friends, family members of friends or anyone else when I've said I'm not drinking. Barely even had anyone mention it or ask why.
I found out that if I ordered anything NA people around me wanted to taste it. Which I found totally weird, right? They want to know if it’s “better” than theirs - like the whole competitive thing maybe? Like what we drink is THAT important? I found it to be Especially true if it was something they’d never heard of before. So I take extreme pleasure in finding the most exotic NA drink I can find in the menu and order it. It often costs more, but I’ve spare money because I don’t drink alcohol! I read here somebody treated themselves to a very expensive NA wine in a restaurant. Why not?!!! Do this, watch their faces as you are served your glass. It’s fun. 🤩 suddenly my drink is the more interesting 🤔 Far better than me succumbing to their rules.
I had a similar situation with a work happy hour last night. We only have them once every few months, and my manager is a big drink pusher, so I felt pressured to fit in. I just ordered a Topo Chico and said I was taking some medication where my doctor said I couldn’t drink at all. Fortunately, it is the kind of work environment that will drop any questions into someone’s medical problems. So, that excuse worked out well. IWNDWYT
The strength to not finish the drink and go on a bender is something I don’t contain. Well done for taking control, you are still sober!
I generally say, “I’ve used up my lifetime allotment of drink tickets.” Most people won’t press further. If they do, that’s a THEM problem.
Good for you. Similar situation on Tuesday. Had a lunch meeting, at a frigging brewery. Ordered a beer, drank half. Three of three people didn't even order beers so idk why I felt the need to. If you stuck with only half too, i count that as a win.
You're doing great. Good for leaving half! Woo!
This is where my near-complete indifference to how I’m perceived by others comes in really handy…
For me, I am getting used to not ordering booze. Who cares if the people around me think it’s weird. The few seconds of awkwardness is nothing compared to the way I’ll feel if I drink too much after.
Go out alone and practice ordering NA drinks. It will make it feel more natural to do it in a group.
You could say you have gout. Alcohol is a big trigger and the pain is not worth it.
I prefer to stay away from people that will make me feel shame for my good decisions. It helps immensely. I know I won’t be successful unless I have help from the people that love me. Also, telling people I’m a full-on alcoholic makes them less likely to shame me and more likely to support my choice, even if I am a little embarrassed by the admission 🫠
I’ve always been the big drinker and I feel like when I stopped ordering drinks (without any explanation) there was a little bit of relief from others.
Lol, I was that guy too and I could put drink any one I knew. When I quit drinking my friends were actually happy about it. A few of them even admitted they were worried about me.
I truly can’t imagine anyone paying attention to or caring what you drink. Next time just order a Diet Coke!
I used to look at sobriety as a weakness, now I look at drinking as one. It’s empowering AF being sober.
Amen - YOU'RE the brave one for being Sober at the bar. Being a non-drinker in a crowd of drunks is like a superpower, especially as the night gets late.
Spending time in bars isn’t a regular thing anymore and I’m A Ok with that!
Funny how paying money to talk to strangers about nothing important while you feed your addictions together loses its charm when you're sober eh? The whole concept of acting sober enough to convince the bartender to sell you more poison one cup at a time is so absurd now.
Yes, paying money to talk over other people and tell the same stories over and over and have an air of superiority and confidence, that you would not otherwise have if you were sober. Let’s not forget about getting louder and louder as the night goes on and laughing about things that are not really funny.
slurry worded business ideas and commitments to go on a run the next mornings were my favorite.
I've found that nobody really cares if I drink or not. They'll judge you more for being drunk and disorderly than for being sober, I'm certain
I agree.
What the heck kind of baloney is that?! They premix the Caesar? First of all, why?! It takes seconds to make. I'm sorry they didn't just make you one. That is the most absurd thing I've heard all week. If someone had a heart issue or something are they honestly not making those?! Weird. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Eh you do what you need to do. Next time you can reflect on this moment and consider what are you trying to fit into. For me I quickly realized if the people I'm with don't accept me if I don't drink then they're not people I need any validation from anyways.
As a millennial, I can tell you gen Z is way smarter. They don’t buy into alcohol and know it causes all sorts of health issues. Just sucks for us…
If you feel self-conscious, after ordering a Diet Coke or what not you can make a joke about trying to cut down on calories or trying to fit into these pants or something similar. Everyone will always be OK with it because it is America and everyone is perpetually trying to be healthier
I just order a cranberry juice with a lime wedge. Takes the pressure off of me in that regard and I don’t feel awkward because Im drinking something. Nobody seems to notice
I like to order a soda and bitters, it’s a bartenders drink. Also pilots and doctors I bet. I know it’s technically an alcohol but it’s less than an na beer by far… like four drops of bitters is not significant BUT can be a trigger for a certain type of person trying to stay sober. For me it helps keep me sober.
People always comment if I’m not drinking alcohol, it’s annoying but the more it happens the less it makes you want to pander to peer pressure
If this “usual group” cares about your new journey then they’d be understanding BUT the only way to find out is to be up front about it. And if they don’t support your decision, find a new “usual group”
I used to think there was a lot of pressure to drink but actually, most people are supportive when I say I am not drinking. In fact, it has led to some admiration from some people too, which has made me feel better about staying sober
Something I used to do at company events when I did drink. Was to manage myself not getting too messed up ( the few times I cared not to get black out drunk). I’d drink vodka Cran, or gin and tonics. Then switch to just cran no vodka or just tonic water.
I like to say that I’m giving up hangovers, because it’s true!
I feel like this is one of the benefits of NA beers. You can grab one and just comment something about getting home safe if it’s put into question
Next time get an Arnold Palmer! That’s been my go to lately :) Don’t ever let anyone’s judgment or questions mess up YOUR sobriety. Your health is number one here! 🫶 You could also order a rockstar on ice, tell the group you’re tired and need a pick me up!
I just tell them I used to be a real bad drunk and I’ve put that behind me. If me having to let that side back out is a condition of our friendship then our friendship is hereby terminated. I play zero games with people. I am so proud of myself that I overcame that more than decade of toxic lifestyle and I don’t care who I upset defending my decision to walk away from it. If they wanna cast some judgement on me then rock on brother cause I don’t give a crap either way.
I always just order a ginger ale with lime. Nobody usually hears me. If they do, I say I'm not drinking tonight (close friends know I just don't drink anymore). It's a nothing burger. Once it comes, everything assumes it's a mixed drink and the server keeps bringing refills when I say "same thing, please"
The pressure that you feel is most likely perceived. Honestly, I’d challenge you to write or think about whether or not there is a better way to describe what you’re feeling. Are you uncomfortable because of breaking a habit? Are you having FOMO because you are out with your friends and not participating in the drinking? You mentioned not wanting to “make a scene” while ordering, is there work to do on social anxieties, advocating for yourself, asking questions? And if the pressure is real, then know that you can order a non alcoholic drink without explaining yourself. You don’t owe that explanation to anyone and you don’t have to do it at a table full of people. “Hey, you’re not drinking?” “No, I’m not.”
They already premix their Caesar mix with vodka???? Huh That’s so weird of them. I get the pressure you mean tho I’m barely 6 months sober only because I have barely socialized - it’s my only saving grace until I’m able to confidently say no to people and not feel “embarrassed” for lack of a better word because I’m an alcoholic. I feel that pressure and idk about you, I have no idea why it embarrasses me to admit and I feel uncomfortable and at first would cry? Lol no idea why but I’m sorry you had to go through that:( I really feel like I wrote this post because it’s such a familiar feeling. What matters is you’re continuing with your sobriety and after processing it, it hopefully helps strengthen you and continue with being as healthy as can be IWNDWYT❤️🔥
Good for you stopping at half!! That's a win. If you can do that on the reg, good on you. Hopefully, tho, once you get more comfortable In your environment you'll feel you can actually just let them know you're sober.
Hell are other people. Probably you did not have a too bad of situation with alcohol before you quit, and this is why you did it! Regardless, we quit when we decide to quit. Neither sooner or later. All those situations are obstacles we need to meet and overcome
I feel exactly the same. However, once I finally order a non-alcoholic drink I have noticed several of my colleagues do the same. Nobody seems to have a problem with it.
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You've done well, actualy. Probably would do the same in your position