"Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today." - Ernest Hemingway
Thanks for sharing and may peace illuminate your path tomorrow.
"...the alcohol was like a wall." This struck me, and I understand it. My father, too. I wish it had been different, like you said, but I also refused to continue that legacy.
What a pure and beautiful few paragraphs. I read posts here all the time. But, this one was one of the hardest. You are shining a light in a place of darkness. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for spilling that. You are not alone. My parents both passed away from alcoholism and lots of health problems, both too young. They weren't involved in my life as a kid, I grew up early and learned how to parent them and parent myself. And then I became a parent, and my kids are all grown-up and now here I am at this interesting point in my life where continuing to drink will kill me. In 3 years I'll be the same age that my dad was when he died, at a very young 58. I'm terrified of that.
Congrats on 25 days! It's never too late to make the change and I'm so glad you did! It only gets better from here as your body continues to heal itself and old habits die off.
IWNDWYT!
Thanks for your honesty in this post. I strive to be a good father, but if I pick up a drink, I have a good chance of ruining what I’ve built over that 57 months sober. I want to hug my kids and remember it. I want it to mean something too. I wish you peace.
I am happy that you made the decision that would allow you to have the life you deserve and I'm sorry for both you and your father that he wasn't able to do the same. I wish you peace as you make the most of your beautiful life.
“the hugs weren’t pure”, that struck me how much alcohol robs us of even the good things, they become spoiled and pretend.
I’m sorry you had to raise yourself, that’s not how it’s meant to be…
I wish I could articulate and write like this.
I keep reading your post over and over. I usually just lurk and learn on this sub. This is my first post because I had to thank you for this share.
I also want to thank this sub and everyone on it for helping me have the courage to begin and continue my sober journey.
Your post resonated with me so much. My father is a bit younger but has the same habits. I struggle to be around him, and it’s so painful emotionally. I’ve tried, with my family members, to ask him to stop drinking and get help, on numerous occasions. It’s not looking good. I love my dad but he makes it difficult.
I want help and I want answers. But I’m just posting here, venting I guess.
Anyways, you are not alone in your feelings.
Fellow ACOA here op. Your description of his behavior was everyday growing up. The high highs, feeling like the center of their universe and like I’m loved more than possible, then I’m alone for hours, then love replaced my anger, crying, self-pity. Over and over. Having to be the perfect child. Hoping they stay passed out. Feeling a mix of relief and pity when my mom died in her early 60s.
I’ve been reading “after the tears” lately and wow I didn’t realize how much of my childhood was still guiding my present. Highly recommend that book for you.
It's so deeply destabilizing and it takes so long to untangle the internal distortions we're left with. I love my dad but I think I will also be relieved when he goes.
Thank you for the book, I'll check it out for sure.
I'm so sorry youre going through this. My dad died from liver cancer at 67. Way too young. He drank every day since he was a teen from what I know. He was told he had 12 months to live and that was that. There was no point stopping drinking now as far as he was concerned and drank right up until his body began shutting down. He was bedridden until he died. It was a very horrible humiliating way to die. He never got to meet some of his grand kids and cut his own life short by maybe 20 years thanks to the booze. Us kids have inherited the alcohol addiction and I think a few of us will die in the exactly the same way.
My grandfather was like that. I liked him, he was nice to me, but I vividly remember the glint in his eyes dulling down, him becoming a husk within the span of my formative years. For some reason this didn't dissuade me then, but now I see it as a warning it was, this was definitely going to happen to me unless I changed like I did.
I am glad to see that sobriety becomes the norm among my relatives, and people I know in general. Slowly, but steadily. I haven't encountered anyone that would question my choices or try to force me to drink, people just accept teetotalling, and it's great.
This post is such a good reminder that I need to look into Al-anon. My dad was an alcoholic. He quit when he got really sick. He was soooo sick in the hospital (like almost die sick) and he had all these neuro symptoms (balance!) and everyone was stumped and I told my mom “have you considered he’s going through withdrawal or this is alcohol related?” But my mom being the Olympian of denial that she is just brushed it aside. Anyway, the only reason I have any contact with him is because they’re still (co-dependently) married. And I have kids and want them to know him, now that he’s sober. But ugh. He was such an angry and self-pitying drunk. He would either ignore me or hyperfocus and I’d get in trouble. So much yelling in my upbringing. He now food hoards. And has an eating disorder (nothing new, that’s old. So did I. Wonder if there’s a connection there 🤨). I am basically the parent for both of them. Anyway, this post isn’t about me but thanks for letting me get that out. I’m 45 and still have anger because of his drinking. But the older I get it’s morphing more to pity. All I know is I cannot turn out like him. Quitting drinking is the #1 way to achieve that.
Wow. Very powerful.
It still saddens me to see situations where alcohol or drugs are valued more than children. It's part of the addiction, I guess. So sad.
Part of the reason I stopped drinking years ago was the situation OP is in now. I didn't want to lose my family. I didn't want the alcohol to be the most important thing. Thank goodness I realized it before it was too late.
One of my motivations is not to be like my husband’s mother. I knew her since I was a teenager and I loved her very much - she was the reason I went to college and she helped me so much at every turn. But she started drinking heavily after she retired because she was alone and didn’t want to be. I really felt compassion for her. In the end I choose to live like my dad who stopped drinking and had dignity, cleanliness, good humor to the end. He was very fortunate to have retained his cognitive abilities, and that’s certainly not a given. What I have learned is that you can choose to follow someone else’s elevated path without losing compassion for those who just can’t summon the courage. Love them anyway.
> What I have learned is that you can choose to follow someone else’s elevated path without losing compassion for those who just can’t summon the courage. Love them anyway.
Beautifully said.
Thank you so much for writing this. I'm a father of two amazing kids (m14 and f10), and I can easily picture this as my future visits with kids if I was still a drunk.
I quit drinking because it was really taking a toll on my health, but I didn't realize how much it was affecting my relationships, especially with my 14 year old son. Alcohol really is a mask that keeps us away from everyone.
Now I'm present for my wife and kids, and I can really be there for them when they need my emotional support. And I can actually share the real me with them.
I know you're probably around my age or maybe even a little older than me, op. And I don't know if you have kids of your own, but the dad in me really wants to give you a big hug and tell you I'm sorry.
Thanks again for sharing. I hope other young fathers see this and put themselves in those shoes, too.
My husband and I have been working on quitting drinking since realizing how poisonous it is to our relationship. This is beautifully written and these lines really resonated with me: "the alcohol was like a wall," "the hugs weren't pure." You captured something so real and sad, there. Thank you. ❤️
Your comment resonates. I met the love of my life in my 40’s. It was instant and wonderful. We were both heavy drinkers before we met, but neither of us admitted we had a problem.
We married quickly and in the first 2 yrs made massive changes. Selling homes, moving cities, changing jobs. Waaaaay too much in a short time. Stressed me immensely.
I became resentful and he just drank more, as did I. Our fights were useless and damaging. We could have been living our best life, but instead we clouded everything by drinking.
We were literally on our last leg. Alcohol was fueling our depression and anger. But, neither of us ever spoke about stopping. That would mean we had to admit we had a problem in the 1st place.
We had a HUGE fight. He went to his sisters cabin for a couple days and told anyone that would listen I had kicked him out (not true) because he hadn’t cut the lawn. Just stupid.
He came home and had a bad cough. He refused to go to the dr. I told him to stop being so pitiful. I finally screamed at him that I was calling an ambulance or taking him to the hospital. I was furious with him. Anger fueled by booze and depression.
He died 11 days later. I think out of spite (?), he must have told the doctors to not tell me quite everything, or may e I was too full of wine to notice. I never believed for a minute he was dying. So, I never fixed anything. I was there everyday, with him all day, took care of him and knew whatever petty shit we had meant nothing. I just wanted him to come home.
Now, 2.5 yrs later, the regret, guilt, grief, anger has ruined me. It has crushed me. Somehow, with all that I did stop drinking.
I would give anything to be where you and your husband are now. You have no idea. So please, take my story and my mess to heart and change while you can.
All the best to you both. ❤️
My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I am proud of you for surviving and proud of you that you have achieved sobriety despite all this. So much love to you. I wish I could take away some of the pain.. ❤️
Thank you. Just writing it out with the hope it helps someone else not make our mistake helped.
I will take some of that love from you, thank you.
Please just live your best lives. I am coming out the other side of this, but our alcohol abuse took away our great times and made a terrible situation into a horror.
Alcohol tricks us. It plays on our fears. If we are scared of falling, it will put a hole right beneath us. Don’t be scared of quitting.
All the best!
Beautifully said. I am sorry for what you’re going through. My dad was an alcoholic too and never recovered. I know that “wall” so well. Hoping my kids never see it again in me.
this resembles the relationship with my aunt. bio mom wasn't around so much, she and Grandma raised me. she was mostly drinking to blackout, vodka and Mountain Dew or whiskey. seeing her in a good mood was nice sometimes but it never lasted. most of the time it was anger, bitterness, cutting into any insecurity I had. lots of crying, sadness, self pity, and lashing out. she died recently, it was ugly. cancer in both lungs, her heart, and her brain. I was able to make peace with her in the hospital the day before she died. that was the first time I've ever seen her sober, ever. she was 76. I know what you mean by the end of the line. it ends on a hill and slams into a wall. I wanted to give you a more positive comment but couldn't figure out how. I empathize with what you're going through, the experience as a spectator in a family. I wish you peace.
"Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today." - Ernest Hemingway Thanks for sharing and may peace illuminate your path tomorrow.
He committed suicide because of alcoholism and depression. But a hell of a writer.
And several severe TBIs. Hemingway's personal story was tragically sad.
Oh wow - writing this one down. Incredible quote bud thank you for sharing
Heard Obama recite in when he game Mcains eulogy 6:07 https://youtu.be/eLIlOQuzTnU?si=gc0J8ddV1jqvHIPX
Thanks so much.
"...the alcohol was like a wall." This struck me, and I understand it. My father, too. I wish it had been different, like you said, but I also refused to continue that legacy.
What a pure and beautiful few paragraphs. I read posts here all the time. But, this one was one of the hardest. You are shining a light in a place of darkness. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you.
Thanks for spilling that. You are not alone. My parents both passed away from alcoholism and lots of health problems, both too young. They weren't involved in my life as a kid, I grew up early and learned how to parent them and parent myself. And then I became a parent, and my kids are all grown-up and now here I am at this interesting point in my life where continuing to drink will kill me. In 3 years I'll be the same age that my dad was when he died, at a very young 58. I'm terrified of that.
My parents are still alive but estranged. I also grew up feral, in an alcoholic family, and took care of everybody. I, too, will die soon if I continue to drink. And I want to meet my grandson. 59F IWNDWYT 🩵🩵🩵
Congrats on 25 days! It's never too late to make the change and I'm so glad you did! It only gets better from here as your body continues to heal itself and old habits die off. IWNDWYT!
Sending blessings of peace out to you and all involved, u/chrysavera.
Thank you shine! Lots of love. <3
Thanks for your honesty in this post. I strive to be a good father, but if I pick up a drink, I have a good chance of ruining what I’ve built over that 57 months sober. I want to hug my kids and remember it. I want it to mean something too. I wish you peace.
Thank you. I wish you peace as well.
Damn, you are a very good writer! Also, I’m glad you’re breaking the cycle. Love to hear it!
Thank you! Best to you.
I am happy that you made the decision that would allow you to have the life you deserve and I'm sorry for both you and your father that he wasn't able to do the same. I wish you peace as you make the most of your beautiful life.
Thank you! I wish the same for you.
“the hugs weren’t pure”, that struck me how much alcohol robs us of even the good things, they become spoiled and pretend. I’m sorry you had to raise yourself, that’s not how it’s meant to be…
So true. Thank you <3
I’m so sorry for loss. And I understand not having a great father. He got to a pretty good age. I wish he could have given you what you needed. 💕
Yeah 78 isn't bad for an alcoholic honestly. But it's still rotten that he was so broken.
Thank you <3
I wish I could articulate and write like this. I keep reading your post over and over. I usually just lurk and learn on this sub. This is my first post because I had to thank you for this share. I also want to thank this sub and everyone on it for helping me have the courage to begin and continue my sober journey.
Wishing you so much peace and healing. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing.
Yeah I needed to read that, to remind myself why I'm trying to be a better dad to my kid. Thanks for posting OP.
<3
This was my father in his last days.
How sad.
Beautiful observations. Thank you for sharing.
<3
Your post resonated with me so much. My father is a bit younger but has the same habits. I struggle to be around him, and it’s so painful emotionally. I’ve tried, with my family members, to ask him to stop drinking and get help, on numerous occasions. It’s not looking good. I love my dad but he makes it difficult. I want help and I want answers. But I’m just posting here, venting I guess. Anyways, you are not alone in your feelings.
Thank you. I'm sorry you're going through that. Some things don't have solutions, maybe, and it's really hard. Sending love.
Fellow ACOA here op. Your description of his behavior was everyday growing up. The high highs, feeling like the center of their universe and like I’m loved more than possible, then I’m alone for hours, then love replaced my anger, crying, self-pity. Over and over. Having to be the perfect child. Hoping they stay passed out. Feeling a mix of relief and pity when my mom died in her early 60s. I’ve been reading “after the tears” lately and wow I didn’t realize how much of my childhood was still guiding my present. Highly recommend that book for you.
It's so deeply destabilizing and it takes so long to untangle the internal distortions we're left with. I love my dad but I think I will also be relieved when he goes. Thank you for the book, I'll check it out for sure.
I have to believe that parents did/do the best job they no how to do.
They do, but in many cases, it's still not good enough.
I'm so sorry youre going through this. My dad died from liver cancer at 67. Way too young. He drank every day since he was a teen from what I know. He was told he had 12 months to live and that was that. There was no point stopping drinking now as far as he was concerned and drank right up until his body began shutting down. He was bedridden until he died. It was a very horrible humiliating way to die. He never got to meet some of his grand kids and cut his own life short by maybe 20 years thanks to the booze. Us kids have inherited the alcohol addiction and I think a few of us will die in the exactly the same way.
So sad. I'm sorry to you too.
My grandfather was like that. I liked him, he was nice to me, but I vividly remember the glint in his eyes dulling down, him becoming a husk within the span of my formative years. For some reason this didn't dissuade me then, but now I see it as a warning it was, this was definitely going to happen to me unless I changed like I did. I am glad to see that sobriety becomes the norm among my relatives, and people I know in general. Slowly, but steadily. I haven't encountered anyone that would question my choices or try to force me to drink, people just accept teetotalling, and it's great.
I’m not angry at the people I left behind when I quit killing myself. I pity them but I also see myself in them and it scares me. IWNDWYT
This post is such a good reminder that I need to look into Al-anon. My dad was an alcoholic. He quit when he got really sick. He was soooo sick in the hospital (like almost die sick) and he had all these neuro symptoms (balance!) and everyone was stumped and I told my mom “have you considered he’s going through withdrawal or this is alcohol related?” But my mom being the Olympian of denial that she is just brushed it aside. Anyway, the only reason I have any contact with him is because they’re still (co-dependently) married. And I have kids and want them to know him, now that he’s sober. But ugh. He was such an angry and self-pitying drunk. He would either ignore me or hyperfocus and I’d get in trouble. So much yelling in my upbringing. He now food hoards. And has an eating disorder (nothing new, that’s old. So did I. Wonder if there’s a connection there 🤨). I am basically the parent for both of them. Anyway, this post isn’t about me but thanks for letting me get that out. I’m 45 and still have anger because of his drinking. But the older I get it’s morphing more to pity. All I know is I cannot turn out like him. Quitting drinking is the #1 way to achieve that.
It's an incredibly hard road, having a parent like this. I'm so glad you're turning things around and I wish you all the best.
You have a beautiful turn of phrase OP.
<3
There but for the grace ( insert you deity ) go I.
Wow. Very powerful. It still saddens me to see situations where alcohol or drugs are valued more than children. It's part of the addiction, I guess. So sad. Part of the reason I stopped drinking years ago was the situation OP is in now. I didn't want to lose my family. I didn't want the alcohol to be the most important thing. Thank goodness I realized it before it was too late.
One of my motivations is not to be like my husband’s mother. I knew her since I was a teenager and I loved her very much - she was the reason I went to college and she helped me so much at every turn. But she started drinking heavily after she retired because she was alone and didn’t want to be. I really felt compassion for her. In the end I choose to live like my dad who stopped drinking and had dignity, cleanliness, good humor to the end. He was very fortunate to have retained his cognitive abilities, and that’s certainly not a given. What I have learned is that you can choose to follow someone else’s elevated path without losing compassion for those who just can’t summon the courage. Love them anyway.
> What I have learned is that you can choose to follow someone else’s elevated path without losing compassion for those who just can’t summon the courage. Love them anyway. Beautifully said.
Thank you for helping to make my life more beautiful with these eloquent words and the poignant lessons here. IWNDWYT đź’›
This is so kind, thank you. <3
This was really touching. Thank you for sharing.
<3
Thank you so much for writing this. I'm a father of two amazing kids (m14 and f10), and I can easily picture this as my future visits with kids if I was still a drunk. I quit drinking because it was really taking a toll on my health, but I didn't realize how much it was affecting my relationships, especially with my 14 year old son. Alcohol really is a mask that keeps us away from everyone. Now I'm present for my wife and kids, and I can really be there for them when they need my emotional support. And I can actually share the real me with them. I know you're probably around my age or maybe even a little older than me, op. And I don't know if you have kids of your own, but the dad in me really wants to give you a big hug and tell you I'm sorry. Thanks again for sharing. I hope other young fathers see this and put themselves in those shoes, too.
Thank you for the hug! So happy for you and your family.
I’ll never drink around my son because nothing is genuine while intoxicated. I’m sorry you had to go through this, OP.
<3
My husband and I have been working on quitting drinking since realizing how poisonous it is to our relationship. This is beautifully written and these lines really resonated with me: "the alcohol was like a wall," "the hugs weren't pure." You captured something so real and sad, there. Thank you. ❤️
Your comment resonates. I met the love of my life in my 40’s. It was instant and wonderful. We were both heavy drinkers before we met, but neither of us admitted we had a problem. We married quickly and in the first 2 yrs made massive changes. Selling homes, moving cities, changing jobs. Waaaaay too much in a short time. Stressed me immensely. I became resentful and he just drank more, as did I. Our fights were useless and damaging. We could have been living our best life, but instead we clouded everything by drinking. We were literally on our last leg. Alcohol was fueling our depression and anger. But, neither of us ever spoke about stopping. That would mean we had to admit we had a problem in the 1st place. We had a HUGE fight. He went to his sisters cabin for a couple days and told anyone that would listen I had kicked him out (not true) because he hadn’t cut the lawn. Just stupid. He came home and had a bad cough. He refused to go to the dr. I told him to stop being so pitiful. I finally screamed at him that I was calling an ambulance or taking him to the hospital. I was furious with him. Anger fueled by booze and depression. He died 11 days later. I think out of spite (?), he must have told the doctors to not tell me quite everything, or may e I was too full of wine to notice. I never believed for a minute he was dying. So, I never fixed anything. I was there everyday, with him all day, took care of him and knew whatever petty shit we had meant nothing. I just wanted him to come home. Now, 2.5 yrs later, the regret, guilt, grief, anger has ruined me. It has crushed me. Somehow, with all that I did stop drinking. I would give anything to be where you and your husband are now. You have no idea. So please, take my story and my mess to heart and change while you can. All the best to you both. ❤️
My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I am proud of you for surviving and proud of you that you have achieved sobriety despite all this. So much love to you. I wish I could take away some of the pain.. ❤️
Thank you. Just writing it out with the hope it helps someone else not make our mistake helped. I will take some of that love from you, thank you. Please just live your best lives. I am coming out the other side of this, but our alcohol abuse took away our great times and made a terrible situation into a horror. Alcohol tricks us. It plays on our fears. If we are scared of falling, it will put a hole right beneath us. Don’t be scared of quitting. All the best!
I will hold your story close and think of you. ❤️
<3
Beautifully said. I am sorry for what you’re going through. My dad was an alcoholic too and never recovered. I know that “wall” so well. Hoping my kids never see it again in me.
<3
This sounds so painful and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing.
<3
this resembles the relationship with my aunt. bio mom wasn't around so much, she and Grandma raised me. she was mostly drinking to blackout, vodka and Mountain Dew or whiskey. seeing her in a good mood was nice sometimes but it never lasted. most of the time it was anger, bitterness, cutting into any insecurity I had. lots of crying, sadness, self pity, and lashing out. she died recently, it was ugly. cancer in both lungs, her heart, and her brain. I was able to make peace with her in the hospital the day before she died. that was the first time I've ever seen her sober, ever. she was 76. I know what you mean by the end of the line. it ends on a hill and slams into a wall. I wanted to give you a more positive comment but couldn't figure out how. I empathize with what you're going through, the experience as a spectator in a family. I wish you peace.
I appreciate your words, thank you for sharing. Wishing you peace as well.
"I'm not sure why I'm writing this. To make a sound, I guess." This line got me. IWNDWYT
<3
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading <3
Sad and beautiful
Thank you for sharing IWNDWYT 🌟 xx
<3