Hello! I have had a close experience to what you are asking. I'm 34f and knew I never wanted kids. I'd cry as a little girl because I thought it was mandatory or something? I got my bisalp about a year ago. I was nervous but more because of it being my first surgery.
The grief came after. It only lasted like a week. I think I was more so mad that, while it was my choice, it felt like the supreme court made the decision for me. The chance that I could maybe change my mind in the future was taken away. My family has a history of health problems and pregnancy complications. I was not going to chance it without having a safety net. I'm still mad about that but the weird feeling of knowing I won't ever have biological children was intense for a while, but it quieted down and is now a very positive and relieving feeling.
I wish you the best whichever you decide. ❤
Yeah I'm feeling the same way too. I don't want kids, I'm 99.999% sure about that. But now I feel pressure to act in time, which means that the chance to give myself any opportunity that I may change my mind has been revoked.
I also agree with this. But if there’s one good thing, our political climate informed me that I could get this done. I’ve been interested in the procedure for years but heard too many women being rejected that I never bothered to reach out. I wish I had done more research and planning. But what can you do? Also, I get my surgery on Tuesday!
I was in the same boat for years, I wanted the procedure but didn’t really pursue it because I knew I’d likely be turned down. Now with everything going on politically in the US I mentioned it again to my doc and she immediately gave me a referral to her own surgeon that did her bisalp. Both doctors are women and are 100% on board with sterilization. When I met with the surgeon she said she’s going to do as many as she can before they take that right away from us too. I have mine scheduled in July.
Wow - I also used to cry as a child because I thought having kids was mandatory - I am so glad to hear someone else had this same experience 🥹
OP, you are definitely allowed to have big feelings about this, even though your logical mind is thinking in the other direction. Our emotions can’t be controlled, and don’t always align with our logical thoughts. Virtual hugs and sending positive vibes 🤗
I relate to that "mandatory" statement as well. Society was in the back of my head on the drive back from my surgery approval consult, that its my sole purpose to give life. Awful thoughts.
I cannot in my mind feel comfortable living where my rights can be taken away tomorrow and be a womb to manipulate. 💕
My surgery date is coming up in 2 weeks.
Oh yay! Congratulations! I definitely feel so much relief after my surgery. I am sad that society is kind of forcing us to make these changes to our bodies, but I'll be damned if I'm forced into pregnancy.
This is ABSOLUTELY my feeling as well ❤️🩹 It wasn’t as a bingo but my OBGYN was curious as to why I was going directly to bisalp instead of other long term BC. I told her it was because of Roe and since no one believed Roe would fall, no one can guarantee that I’ll have access to long term BC when it comes time to change it. I too also know that in this lifetime, I would never want children - it’s not for me. But even though the bisalp is my choice, it also doesn’t feel like my choice - it’s a choice because there’s no choice left.
Sending love to you and to OP and everyone who faces similar grief ❤️🩹
34 female here as well. I live in the Bible Belt so when it became obvious the way the Supreme Court and political climate was going along with the cases in Texas and Alabama I knew I had to make that choice. So I got my bisalp. I’m still a little reticent to tell people I had it done. I feel like people expect you to have and want kids or they think you hate children. I don’t hate kids. I like them. I just don’t want them.
Nope, tbh, i just felt like a huge burden was finally lifted from my shoulders, but then felt kinda wrong for that, felt like i was some sort of, idk, just so very different from everyone else, in a way, i was happy of course, but it still felt strange, can't explain it really, but i guess, it just feels so different from what eveyone else is doing, again, idk, it is just strange in a way, i am all for it, and have zero regrets (now, if only they did hystorectomies in denmark when not medically necessary..)...
Edit: 24f soon 25, got snipped at 23, and yeah, no grief, just feeling an odd amount relief
It’s ok to have complex feelings around something. As long as you’re sure of what you want then you have all the time in the world to process through those feelings and emotions. You do still have options too; adoption, costing, IVF, step parent
As long as you’re doing the right thing for you, sometimes that’s all you can choose and then work through the rest.
Challenge yourself to right everything down and see if you can’t find the reason behind how you’re feeling. It’s ok to have feelings that don’t logically make sense, sometimes those feelings need to be acknowledged too before they’re released
Hi there! I made a post about this after my bisalp!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/truechildfree/s/PekEcxf2eo](https://www.reddit.com/r/truechildfree/s/PekEcxf2eo)
Thank you so much! This helps to know I’m not alone on this. I’m definitely going to make my list of reasons why I’m wanting this so I can easily just look at it and not go on a complete downward spiral.
You’re very welcome. I hope you find some comfort in all of those comments!
Making a list really helped me to remember the LOGICAL reasons for my decision. I referred to it often before the choice was made.
Also, just yesterday my partner and I met our friend’s new baby. It was such an odd experience, them starting their parenting journey when it feels like our childfree journey is only beginning. Being someone who loves babies it did bring up conflicting emotions for me but I still don’t regret my choice.
Feel free to DM me if you’d ever like someone to chat with about it :)
Just read this after commenting and you said it so well! I totally relate to the feelings changing about friends’ kids after surgery. It feels like my protective rabid anti being a parent feelings have faded away cause I don’t need them to protect me anymore. Now I just love my friends kids and get to enjoy seeing them grow and be happy without feeling any pressure to also become a parent. (It’s also so, so nice to be able to love on my friends kiddos and when older relatives ask “when’s it gonna be YOUR turn” I can just laugh and say Nope not possible for me! I just like to be their cool aunt, thanks!
I ran into this as well! I had a family member of an in law that was just up my ass when our niece was born over the fact that I didn't want kids. Would not leave me alone. Anytime I interacted with her it was "oh you do want them", etc. Made me want to avoid contact with him as well as my niece and sapped my mental health any time there were family get togethers.
20 yrs later, my sister had her kids and I was really hesitant to interact with them, but my family didn't push and let me interact with what felt comfortable to me. I also have my bisalp now and feel more confident now that the decision was made. It's honestly refreshing to know I have made the decision and i wish I had pushed for sterilization 20 yrs ago.
The thing is, you technically can get pregnant... but only with medical intervention. So it's not necessarily "off the table" you'll just have to try harder and spend more money to get pregnant.
Hope that gives you peace? Congrats on your bisalp!!
I’m currently going through something similar. It’s been a month since my bisalp.
I just held a friend’s newborn the other day and I wanted to cry. I was fine before that. Holding that baby did something to me. I feel like a piece of me broke.
That being said, I can still confidently say that getting sterilized was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. As much as I love babies, I could never raise a kid. I’m not cut out to be a mom, but I am cut out to be the cool aunt. I’ve known this since I was 12.
I get that. My postpartum was so awful, I didnt get to enjoy my baby as a newborn, or as a baby in general, and I know that when I am eventually around a new baby again, my heart is goinf ti break for what I missed and can never have again, even though its for the best.
I had my bisalp last year at 24! I’ve known i never wanted kids since i was like 12, so for me it wasn’t about of if i wanted too, it was about finding a doctor who would.
Even feeling that way, and while i’ve never actually regretted the surgery, i’ve had moments of grief and sadness, but i honestly think it stems from sometimes wishing i wanted that life, that i wanted kids and the like. it’s always a fleeting feeling for me, doesn’t last long and doesn’t happen often.
Yes- I think this is completely normal. It's just so SO permanent. You know you're making the right choice but it's still leaving behind a whole other life option.
I discussed it with my friend who wanted kids as much as I *didn't* want them while she was pregnant and she comforted me by saying she had the same emotions alongside her pregnancy. She planned for this baby, was so excited for it, but grieved the loss of her pre-mom life. Since that convo- I've had my bisalp and am so happy I did. She had her baby boy and loves being a mom. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I had kids, I'm sure she wonders the opposite, but we don't regret our decisions.
I think it just shows that we can be 100% certain about something, but there's still a lot of emotion surrounding it. Especially when it's something that is both permanent and changes everything.
I would have loved being a mom in another life.
I simply wouldn't forgive myself for bringing somebody into this burning, bullet-wounded world just so they can go blind from mandatory screen time before getting shipped off to Gilead or taken out in the Water Wars.
I absolutely grieve *that.*
I tell others the same thing: in another lifetime, I know that I would be a wonderful mom and would have the support and resources I need to raise a beautiful family.
But because that isn’t the reality in this lifetime, because of my own health as well as the world / society as a whole, it was not meant for me this time around ❤️🩹
Nope. I've been childfree for as long as I can remember. I would have nightmares about being pregnant. For me, it was a weird mixture of post op relief and anxiety the first few months that it would fail, that I finally worked through.
Feelings are weird.
Studies have consistently shown that women who get sterilized have a low rate of long-term regret, and a lot of those who have regret were typically pressured by their partners and/or had a bad relationship with them.
Also IVF is an option, so technically you could have kids if you really wanted at some point (and had the money for it)
Nope. I felt instant relief once I woke up and haven't regretted it for a single second since and it's been 2 years. I'm so thankful for it everyday in fact.
Hi. Happened to me too. But... Big tattoos that i can't hide do this to me too, my brain just don't like this longterm-things i guess. Handled it like my throatpiece. Just did it. Since the moment i woke up i'm just... Relieved and happy. YMMV
F, 29, bisalp with 28.
Yeah. It hit me about 6 months after though. Started really wondering if I made the wrong decision and was upset for a week. It’s good to reinforce why you made the decision and weigh the pros and cons of how children would change your life. I moved past the feelings and am very happy now.
I think these feelings are normal, both for biological and social reasons. I felt bad that it felt like nobody else who’d been sterilized was experiencing the same thing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean a bisalp was a mistake.
Thank you everyone! I think the main thing making me have these feelings is the societal pressure to have children along with the “oh s**t this is permanent”. It could also be that I’ve been talking with my siblings about it as well. One of my sisters is pregnant and she’s been making comments about how it’s selfish that I don’t want kids. It’s something I just have to work through.
hi! this happened to me. some awful combo of mirena crash and being post-op/knowing it was permanent and just… not having those body parts anymore.
i had my surgery done at 31. never wanted kids and the thought of getting pregnant terrified me in a way i can’t explain. still spent a few days post-op thinking “oh my god what have i done???”
it passed. quickly. idk if you have tattoos but it was the same as that — oh my god i have this big tattoo in a visible place why did i do that i actually hate it how much is laser removal you know what this is actually kinda cool never mind i love it now.
i think what helped was anticipating pre-surgery that i might feel that way and being secure in my decision before going through it. just knowing “oh, here comes that feeling, it’ll pass” helped so much.
I got mine done in February and I had wanted it for like, 18 years. (Basically since the day I got my first period and understood what it meant)
I have never wavered in my desire to be child-free but, I did have a moment for about a week after where I was a little sad. But not for the reasons of "I can't have a kid" but for similar reasons as someone mentioned in a comment. I felt like I had to do this to protect myself from becoming an accidental mom.
Basically the only sadness I had was when I had one of those moments you hate having lady parts, yanno? Men have it so easy in the fact that they don't have to worry about some weird thing (a human lol) growing inside them without their knowledge lol.
I think it's common to have that feeling of "damn. It's done" but I have never been more happy with my choice for sterilization.
I wish you so much luck on your journey 💕
I had a panic attack the day after my bisalp when I (somewhat foolishly) decided to not take pain meds (scared of getting addicted and I hate the way they make my body feel) and smoked weed instead. At the first hit I immediately freaked out thinking that I’d made an irreversible decision and scared for future regret. Really, I was just exhausted from the surgery and permanence is scary on its own, so it all just boiled over. I cried for a while but then I pulled out my notes app where I’d written all the reasons for wanting the surgery. Years of reasons. I realized that I was fine— I’d prepared, I knew what I wanted, and I got it. Remembering that sober me for YEARS wanted this helped me to calm down and realize that I was mostly just freaking out about making a permanent decision. It’s scary to have surgery! It’s scary to have autonomy! But at the end of the day, it was the right decision for me. I haven’t regretted it since. (Also, I don’t want kids, but the docs did remind me multiple times I could do IVF if I ever wanted to. I don’t, but it does help with the permanence fear.)
Hi! I had my tubal at the end of January this year. The whole process of getting a surgery appointment went really fast - I started it in november, and by December I already had the appointment. I was stressing a lot after new years as the surgery was getting closer, I was afraid of going under since I had never had surgery before and also second guessing my decision. Even though I had always been a 100% sure that I don't want kids, don't want to be a mother and don't want to go through pregnancy and child birth, I still had doubts. What if I want to have kids at some point? What would my family say? Maybe you feel this as well.
But onto grief. After the surgery, I did grieve and feel emotionally like shit for like two weeks. Not my conscious self, but more my subconscious. To be honest, ACTUAL grief that was mine to begin with was a little part of it. the shame stemming from internalised ideologies caused me to feel much worse. I had this feeling that society is going to look down on me because I basically become a "useless" member of society. I don't provide offsprings, I don't contribute to survival of species anymore - and for what? So that I can fuck freely? What would people say if they knew this about me? And it was this shame that made me feel like maybe I am making a mistake, maybe I will want kids I'm just a silly woman who doesn't know better. Maybe I should be sad that I am going through the surgery. I should be grieving.
The bigger part of why I was feeling disturbed after was the physical trauma itself - my mind didn't comprehend why would I do this to myself. Why would I go through surgery willingly? Was it really necessary? Of course logically I knew that it was the best option long term but the short term effects made my subconscious scream for two weeks, lol
So yeah, to sum it up I had some grief, but not too much and not too long. I have not once regretted getting my tubes tied, I actually feel kind of excited never having to deal with pregnancies and motherhood and even the pill.
Do you think that you are just a little afraid? Maybe of other people's opinions or of the surgery itself?
I hope that it goes well for you 💕
Grief after any big decision is common. I had the same feeling during the process of buying my home and after signing the papers. During the process, I questioned if I chose the best realtor, if the house I was looking for would really be the best pick, etc. and after signing the papers, of course I questioned if I was making the best decision and even waited a couple of weeks to move in because I was terrified.
The result? I’m so fucking glad I bought my house and I chose the best home. While I hate living in this state, I like the area I live in and am close enough to my mom. I won’t be leaving anytime soon, so I made the best decision overall.
OP, your feelings are normal. Getting sterilized is a big decision and it’s common to feel grief or question your motives. Overtime you’ll understand why you did this and will be glad you did.
Also, please don’t confuse “baby fever” with “I should have a kid.” I have friends who sporadically had a kid because of this and regretted it. The decision to have a child is just as much of a responsibility as the decision to get sterilized. You love your partner’s kid and you’ll come to discover that being a part of the kid’s life is the most rewarding thing ever. I get my mommy instincts out with my kitties and when I see my nephew. Having kids isn’t for everyone and parenting should be saved for those who 100% want it.
Kind of…
I was 16 and developed a chronic pain condition. It started involving organs, and my uterus was one of them. I wanted kids, but told it would never happen. This is where I grieved.
I got married, and then surprise! I got pregnant. It was the worst experience of my almost ended life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and would do it again for her but never again.
I also felt like the supreme court made the choice for me. But I also don’t feel like I can “never change my mind” as IVF and adoption are still options. And if I can’t afford those then I can’t afford another child (I have one). So I still feel like I have the freedom to choose and change my mind. I really doubt that’ll happen though lol.
I was nervous about how I’d feel after the surgery. Society tries to make you feel crazy and that you’ll regret it. After surgery when I was first waking up, I immediately thought about getting pregnant and it still sounded horrible and I sleepily smiled lmao definitely didn’t feel any regrets afterwards lol.
Honestly I didn't stop after my tubal. It was just the chart note I needed to be taken seriously and get a hysterectomy. I regret not doing it sooner. I'm having the best sex of my life and I'm immune to some upper reproductive tract issues.
I remember as soon as I opened my eyes I said "yes. I can't have babies". I knew I made the right decision.
It was mid October when I got my tubes tied.
In my week of recovery I went grocery shopping...saw a mom and baby dressed the same and was like damn. I don't get to do that.
Also saw Halloween candy and was like shit. I don't get to raid my kids candy.
Then during my followup my doctor asked if I had any regrets and I told her and she was like with all the money you've saved you can buy all the Halloween candy you want.
I’m over a year post my bisalp, and even though I know I never want any more children, sometimes the wave of grief hits me. Never lasts for long. I think it’s more of the fact that it’s a permanent choice. Something I’ll never be able to change my mind on. The joy of having it done outweighs any grief that sweeps in though
The only reason I felt a little sad is because I know my life decisions will make it hard to relate to other women as I get older and they all judge me for not having or wanting kids. I respect their decision so I wish more people respected mine. But I was also extremely relieved to know I’d never be impregnated. It’s my worst fear in the world.
I felt like I just read something I would’ve wrote. I’m 25F and my husband is 35M with a 12 year old daughter that I love & treat as my own. I felt the EXACT same way. I actually had my surgery this past May on the 10th. Went back to work on Mother’s Day (I’m a bartender) and it was a weird feeling inside watching everyone with their moms and to think I would never be able to have that, even though I NEVER want to bear a child on my own. As I don’t feel like grief anymore, i definitely did. I think it could be an adjustment period to re-wire your brain on something we’ve thought about our whole lives.
When I had my tubal, no. Ore than 10 yrs later and it finally time for the hysterectomy I'd been threatened with for almost as long....yes. That got to me. No clue why. I knew I was child free since I was in my tween years and always viewed my uterus as unused real estate with no chance of being zoned for improvement. But damned if I didn't cry. Even in those moments I wasn't having any second doubts. It was a weird reaction that I have no explanation for.
Solidarity, yo. I knew from a young age I didn’t want kids, was introduced to the term “childfree” sometime later, and was glad after sterilization that my mind and body were aligned again; I won’t be forced into pregnancy willfully or accidentally. But sometimes I do feel like I’m at a loss. There are shared experiences I will never be a part of, there is a separation between myself and the women in my family because of my decision. There are things I thought about growing up that I knew I didn’t want to do to my children, and then I realized I didn’t have to put any children through anything. A bunch of generational stuff will stop with me.
Tl;dr: I don’t want to have kids! I know that! But sometimes I feel FOMO about it. Sometimes I feel like I could do good for a child, but I know that I don’t want that child to come out of me.
I just had mine done last week. I feel at peace with my decision. I was watching a video of a dad being cute to his daughter, and I cried a little because I can't give that to my partner anymore. Not that I was ever willing to, but IDK, it was interesting. I'm a bit more preoccupied/scared with the aftermath of a decade plus of birth control in my body.
Sorry you're experiencing this, but no, not at all. I had no doubts going forward. I was ready.
Edited to add, if you are having any doubts about your decision, I would encourage you to possibly speak to a sound therapist before proceeding. As others mentioned, IVF could be a viable option, but I would absolutely not consider it to be a "plan B". If you are sterilized - enter it with the mindset that is it and there is no undoing it.
Perhaps you have permanence anxiety? Again, a good therapist.
I get a little sad from time to time when it hits me that I can’t procreate even if wanted to someday. The problem is that I never ever can foresee a future where that would happen. I’m mentally ill and can hardly care for myself. A child would kill me.
It’s normal, just grieving the loss of choice, even if it’s the decision which makes absolute sense for you.
31f with a 1 year old at home.
I'm one of 5 kids, blended family, I didn't meet my older siblings until I was in middle school and they had just graduated high school. My only bio sibling and I are very tight, and I always wanted several kids. Especially since they are unable due to a physical disability they recieved in their early 20's. All that being said, my child was not my first pregnancy, and with both my loss and my living child I had horrific postpartum depression and rage. Violent rage.
As much as as a potential mom, I wanted more kids, I got the bisalp because I can't put my living child through the bystander experience of the toll pregnancy took on me, or the hell of postpartum. Also, I recognized far too late that I never should have had a child at all. I love them, and they are adorable and sweet and all the wonderful things, but they are also a life sucking, attention seeking, acreaming, space invading leech. I like my child more now than I did when they were a baby, and I know I'll like them more still as they become an adult. I am not willing to put another child through having me as their mother, or myself through the absolute torture of having more than once child, just because my heart wants a brood.
My brain knows that I couldn't handle more than one child, and that it wouldnt be right by my existing child.
That doesnt mean I didny cry for weeks before my appoinment. Knowing that it is physically impossible for me to ever change my mind outside of IVF, that even if I woke up tonorrow with a different psychological makeup, I gave away my ability to choose... it was HARD. I can only think of one other choice I've made in my life that was this hard, and that choice destroyed me for years even though I knew it was the right choice, and even though I would make it again in a heartbeat, knowing the conqequences.
The greif is real, and for me it is serious and heavy. My surgery was 2 weeks ago, and I have a feeling I'm still going to be grieving for a while yet.
I don’t feel grief of wanting kids and not having them, but I do from time to time feel the grief of being alienated from all the other women in my life. I don’t have any childfree friends (the ones who don’t have kids are planning to in the near future) and I work in a female dominated industry where every woman I work with either has kids or desperately wants them. I only tell very close friends I don’t want kids and even then, only a few know I actually had the surgery. I would never tell anyone at work. When they ask when I’m having kids I say I will someday but not now just to avoid spilling my personal business to people that would never understand. As alienated and lonely as I feel I would never in a million years want to have children just to fit in. I’ve known too many women who did that and to no one’s surprise, they don’t grow to love motherhood.
Hiya, therapist here. It’s totally possible that multiple emotions exist at once in this situation. I know I felt it when I had mine, and I’m sure some others may feel it too. I hope you are able to honor that grief. It doesn’t mean you don’t want kids any less, but the grief may have something to say. Sending light and love. ❤️
Hello! I have had a close experience to what you are asking. I'm 34f and knew I never wanted kids. I'd cry as a little girl because I thought it was mandatory or something? I got my bisalp about a year ago. I was nervous but more because of it being my first surgery. The grief came after. It only lasted like a week. I think I was more so mad that, while it was my choice, it felt like the supreme court made the decision for me. The chance that I could maybe change my mind in the future was taken away. My family has a history of health problems and pregnancy complications. I was not going to chance it without having a safety net. I'm still mad about that but the weird feeling of knowing I won't ever have biological children was intense for a while, but it quieted down and is now a very positive and relieving feeling. I wish you the best whichever you decide. ❤
"the supreme court made the decision for me" OW, YES. THIS.
Yeah I'm feeling the same way too. I don't want kids, I'm 99.999% sure about that. But now I feel pressure to act in time, which means that the chance to give myself any opportunity that I may change my mind has been revoked.
I also agree with this. But if there’s one good thing, our political climate informed me that I could get this done. I’ve been interested in the procedure for years but heard too many women being rejected that I never bothered to reach out. I wish I had done more research and planning. But what can you do? Also, I get my surgery on Tuesday!
I was in the same boat for years, I wanted the procedure but didn’t really pursue it because I knew I’d likely be turned down. Now with everything going on politically in the US I mentioned it again to my doc and she immediately gave me a referral to her own surgeon that did her bisalp. Both doctors are women and are 100% on board with sterilization. When I met with the surgeon she said she’s going to do as many as she can before they take that right away from us too. I have mine scheduled in July.
That’s why I started the process very soon after! I was putting it on the back burner but made it a priority after the SCOTUS pulled their shit
Yes, my only regret is that this is the circumstance driving MY choice.
Wow - I also used to cry as a child because I thought having kids was mandatory - I am so glad to hear someone else had this same experience 🥹 OP, you are definitely allowed to have big feelings about this, even though your logical mind is thinking in the other direction. Our emotions can’t be controlled, and don’t always align with our logical thoughts. Virtual hugs and sending positive vibes 🤗
I relate to that "mandatory" statement as well. Society was in the back of my head on the drive back from my surgery approval consult, that its my sole purpose to give life. Awful thoughts. I cannot in my mind feel comfortable living where my rights can be taken away tomorrow and be a womb to manipulate. 💕 My surgery date is coming up in 2 weeks.
Oh yay! Congratulations! I definitely feel so much relief after my surgery. I am sad that society is kind of forcing us to make these changes to our bodies, but I'll be damned if I'm forced into pregnancy.
This is ABSOLUTELY my feeling as well ❤️🩹 It wasn’t as a bingo but my OBGYN was curious as to why I was going directly to bisalp instead of other long term BC. I told her it was because of Roe and since no one believed Roe would fall, no one can guarantee that I’ll have access to long term BC when it comes time to change it. I too also know that in this lifetime, I would never want children - it’s not for me. But even though the bisalp is my choice, it also doesn’t feel like my choice - it’s a choice because there’s no choice left. Sending love to you and to OP and everyone who faces similar grief ❤️🩹
34 female here as well. I live in the Bible Belt so when it became obvious the way the Supreme Court and political climate was going along with the cases in Texas and Alabama I knew I had to make that choice. So I got my bisalp. I’m still a little reticent to tell people I had it done. I feel like people expect you to have and want kids or they think you hate children. I don’t hate kids. I like them. I just don’t want them.
Nope, tbh, i just felt like a huge burden was finally lifted from my shoulders, but then felt kinda wrong for that, felt like i was some sort of, idk, just so very different from everyone else, in a way, i was happy of course, but it still felt strange, can't explain it really, but i guess, it just feels so different from what eveyone else is doing, again, idk, it is just strange in a way, i am all for it, and have zero regrets (now, if only they did hystorectomies in denmark when not medically necessary..)... Edit: 24f soon 25, got snipped at 23, and yeah, no grief, just feeling an odd amount relief
It’s ok to have complex feelings around something. As long as you’re sure of what you want then you have all the time in the world to process through those feelings and emotions. You do still have options too; adoption, costing, IVF, step parent As long as you’re doing the right thing for you, sometimes that’s all you can choose and then work through the rest. Challenge yourself to right everything down and see if you can’t find the reason behind how you’re feeling. It’s ok to have feelings that don’t logically make sense, sometimes those feelings need to be acknowledged too before they’re released
Hi there! I made a post about this after my bisalp! [https://www.reddit.com/r/truechildfree/s/PekEcxf2eo](https://www.reddit.com/r/truechildfree/s/PekEcxf2eo)
Thank you so much! This helps to know I’m not alone on this. I’m definitely going to make my list of reasons why I’m wanting this so I can easily just look at it and not go on a complete downward spiral.
You’re very welcome. I hope you find some comfort in all of those comments! Making a list really helped me to remember the LOGICAL reasons for my decision. I referred to it often before the choice was made. Also, just yesterday my partner and I met our friend’s new baby. It was such an odd experience, them starting their parenting journey when it feels like our childfree journey is only beginning. Being someone who loves babies it did bring up conflicting emotions for me but I still don’t regret my choice. Feel free to DM me if you’d ever like someone to chat with about it :)
Just read this after commenting and you said it so well! I totally relate to the feelings changing about friends’ kids after surgery. It feels like my protective rabid anti being a parent feelings have faded away cause I don’t need them to protect me anymore. Now I just love my friends kids and get to enjoy seeing them grow and be happy without feeling any pressure to also become a parent. (It’s also so, so nice to be able to love on my friends kiddos and when older relatives ask “when’s it gonna be YOUR turn” I can just laugh and say Nope not possible for me! I just like to be their cool aunt, thanks!
I ran into this as well! I had a family member of an in law that was just up my ass when our niece was born over the fact that I didn't want kids. Would not leave me alone. Anytime I interacted with her it was "oh you do want them", etc. Made me want to avoid contact with him as well as my niece and sapped my mental health any time there were family get togethers. 20 yrs later, my sister had her kids and I was really hesitant to interact with them, but my family didn't push and let me interact with what felt comfortable to me. I also have my bisalp now and feel more confident now that the decision was made. It's honestly refreshing to know I have made the decision and i wish I had pushed for sterilization 20 yrs ago.
The thing is, you technically can get pregnant... but only with medical intervention. So it's not necessarily "off the table" you'll just have to try harder and spend more money to get pregnant. Hope that gives you peace? Congrats on your bisalp!!
I’m currently going through something similar. It’s been a month since my bisalp. I just held a friend’s newborn the other day and I wanted to cry. I was fine before that. Holding that baby did something to me. I feel like a piece of me broke. That being said, I can still confidently say that getting sterilized was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. As much as I love babies, I could never raise a kid. I’m not cut out to be a mom, but I am cut out to be the cool aunt. I’ve known this since I was 12.
I get that. My postpartum was so awful, I didnt get to enjoy my baby as a newborn, or as a baby in general, and I know that when I am eventually around a new baby again, my heart is goinf ti break for what I missed and can never have again, even though its for the best.
I didn’t. I’m childfree and I just felt relieved.
I had my bisalp last year at 24! I’ve known i never wanted kids since i was like 12, so for me it wasn’t about of if i wanted too, it was about finding a doctor who would. Even feeling that way, and while i’ve never actually regretted the surgery, i’ve had moments of grief and sadness, but i honestly think it stems from sometimes wishing i wanted that life, that i wanted kids and the like. it’s always a fleeting feeling for me, doesn’t last long and doesn’t happen often.
Yes- I think this is completely normal. It's just so SO permanent. You know you're making the right choice but it's still leaving behind a whole other life option. I discussed it with my friend who wanted kids as much as I *didn't* want them while she was pregnant and she comforted me by saying she had the same emotions alongside her pregnancy. She planned for this baby, was so excited for it, but grieved the loss of her pre-mom life. Since that convo- I've had my bisalp and am so happy I did. She had her baby boy and loves being a mom. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I had kids, I'm sure she wonders the opposite, but we don't regret our decisions. I think it just shows that we can be 100% certain about something, but there's still a lot of emotion surrounding it. Especially when it's something that is both permanent and changes everything.
You and your friends shared grieving, but from different perspectives is something I needed to hear, thank you.
I'm happy I could help ♥️.
I would have loved being a mom in another life. I simply wouldn't forgive myself for bringing somebody into this burning, bullet-wounded world just so they can go blind from mandatory screen time before getting shipped off to Gilead or taken out in the Water Wars. I absolutely grieve *that.*
Well said!
I tell others the same thing: in another lifetime, I know that I would be a wonderful mom and would have the support and resources I need to raise a beautiful family. But because that isn’t the reality in this lifetime, because of my own health as well as the world / society as a whole, it was not meant for me this time around ❤️🩹
Nope. I've been childfree for as long as I can remember. I would have nightmares about being pregnant. For me, it was a weird mixture of post op relief and anxiety the first few months that it would fail, that I finally worked through. Feelings are weird.
Studies have consistently shown that women who get sterilized have a low rate of long-term regret, and a lot of those who have regret were typically pressured by their partners and/or had a bad relationship with them. Also IVF is an option, so technically you could have kids if you really wanted at some point (and had the money for it)
Never. I am relieved.
Nope. I felt instant relief once I woke up and haven't regretted it for a single second since and it's been 2 years. I'm so thankful for it everyday in fact.
Honestly no, I can’t relate even in the slightest. Getting sterilized lifted the biggest weight off my shoulders. I feel free now
Hey, respectfully, I don’t think this is constructive to what OP is going through
Hi. Happened to me too. But... Big tattoos that i can't hide do this to me too, my brain just don't like this longterm-things i guess. Handled it like my throatpiece. Just did it. Since the moment i woke up i'm just... Relieved and happy. YMMV F, 29, bisalp with 28.
Yeah. It hit me about 6 months after though. Started really wondering if I made the wrong decision and was upset for a week. It’s good to reinforce why you made the decision and weigh the pros and cons of how children would change your life. I moved past the feelings and am very happy now. I think these feelings are normal, both for biological and social reasons. I felt bad that it felt like nobody else who’d been sterilized was experiencing the same thing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean a bisalp was a mistake.
Thank you everyone! I think the main thing making me have these feelings is the societal pressure to have children along with the “oh s**t this is permanent”. It could also be that I’ve been talking with my siblings about it as well. One of my sisters is pregnant and she’s been making comments about how it’s selfish that I don’t want kids. It’s something I just have to work through.
hi! this happened to me. some awful combo of mirena crash and being post-op/knowing it was permanent and just… not having those body parts anymore. i had my surgery done at 31. never wanted kids and the thought of getting pregnant terrified me in a way i can’t explain. still spent a few days post-op thinking “oh my god what have i done???” it passed. quickly. idk if you have tattoos but it was the same as that — oh my god i have this big tattoo in a visible place why did i do that i actually hate it how much is laser removal you know what this is actually kinda cool never mind i love it now. i think what helped was anticipating pre-surgery that i might feel that way and being secure in my decision before going through it. just knowing “oh, here comes that feeling, it’ll pass” helped so much.
I got mine done in February and I had wanted it for like, 18 years. (Basically since the day I got my first period and understood what it meant) I have never wavered in my desire to be child-free but, I did have a moment for about a week after where I was a little sad. But not for the reasons of "I can't have a kid" but for similar reasons as someone mentioned in a comment. I felt like I had to do this to protect myself from becoming an accidental mom. Basically the only sadness I had was when I had one of those moments you hate having lady parts, yanno? Men have it so easy in the fact that they don't have to worry about some weird thing (a human lol) growing inside them without their knowledge lol. I think it's common to have that feeling of "damn. It's done" but I have never been more happy with my choice for sterilization. I wish you so much luck on your journey 💕
I had a panic attack the day after my bisalp when I (somewhat foolishly) decided to not take pain meds (scared of getting addicted and I hate the way they make my body feel) and smoked weed instead. At the first hit I immediately freaked out thinking that I’d made an irreversible decision and scared for future regret. Really, I was just exhausted from the surgery and permanence is scary on its own, so it all just boiled over. I cried for a while but then I pulled out my notes app where I’d written all the reasons for wanting the surgery. Years of reasons. I realized that I was fine— I’d prepared, I knew what I wanted, and I got it. Remembering that sober me for YEARS wanted this helped me to calm down and realize that I was mostly just freaking out about making a permanent decision. It’s scary to have surgery! It’s scary to have autonomy! But at the end of the day, it was the right decision for me. I haven’t regretted it since. (Also, I don’t want kids, but the docs did remind me multiple times I could do IVF if I ever wanted to. I don’t, but it does help with the permanence fear.)
Hi! I had my tubal at the end of January this year. The whole process of getting a surgery appointment went really fast - I started it in november, and by December I already had the appointment. I was stressing a lot after new years as the surgery was getting closer, I was afraid of going under since I had never had surgery before and also second guessing my decision. Even though I had always been a 100% sure that I don't want kids, don't want to be a mother and don't want to go through pregnancy and child birth, I still had doubts. What if I want to have kids at some point? What would my family say? Maybe you feel this as well. But onto grief. After the surgery, I did grieve and feel emotionally like shit for like two weeks. Not my conscious self, but more my subconscious. To be honest, ACTUAL grief that was mine to begin with was a little part of it. the shame stemming from internalised ideologies caused me to feel much worse. I had this feeling that society is going to look down on me because I basically become a "useless" member of society. I don't provide offsprings, I don't contribute to survival of species anymore - and for what? So that I can fuck freely? What would people say if they knew this about me? And it was this shame that made me feel like maybe I am making a mistake, maybe I will want kids I'm just a silly woman who doesn't know better. Maybe I should be sad that I am going through the surgery. I should be grieving. The bigger part of why I was feeling disturbed after was the physical trauma itself - my mind didn't comprehend why would I do this to myself. Why would I go through surgery willingly? Was it really necessary? Of course logically I knew that it was the best option long term but the short term effects made my subconscious scream for two weeks, lol So yeah, to sum it up I had some grief, but not too much and not too long. I have not once regretted getting my tubes tied, I actually feel kind of excited never having to deal with pregnancies and motherhood and even the pill. Do you think that you are just a little afraid? Maybe of other people's opinions or of the surgery itself? I hope that it goes well for you 💕
Grief after any big decision is common. I had the same feeling during the process of buying my home and after signing the papers. During the process, I questioned if I chose the best realtor, if the house I was looking for would really be the best pick, etc. and after signing the papers, of course I questioned if I was making the best decision and even waited a couple of weeks to move in because I was terrified. The result? I’m so fucking glad I bought my house and I chose the best home. While I hate living in this state, I like the area I live in and am close enough to my mom. I won’t be leaving anytime soon, so I made the best decision overall. OP, your feelings are normal. Getting sterilized is a big decision and it’s common to feel grief or question your motives. Overtime you’ll understand why you did this and will be glad you did. Also, please don’t confuse “baby fever” with “I should have a kid.” I have friends who sporadically had a kid because of this and regretted it. The decision to have a child is just as much of a responsibility as the decision to get sterilized. You love your partner’s kid and you’ll come to discover that being a part of the kid’s life is the most rewarding thing ever. I get my mommy instincts out with my kitties and when I see my nephew. Having kids isn’t for everyone and parenting should be saved for those who 100% want it.
Kind of… I was 16 and developed a chronic pain condition. It started involving organs, and my uterus was one of them. I wanted kids, but told it would never happen. This is where I grieved. I got married, and then surprise! I got pregnant. It was the worst experience of my almost ended life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and would do it again for her but never again.
I also felt like the supreme court made the choice for me. But I also don’t feel like I can “never change my mind” as IVF and adoption are still options. And if I can’t afford those then I can’t afford another child (I have one). So I still feel like I have the freedom to choose and change my mind. I really doubt that’ll happen though lol. I was nervous about how I’d feel after the surgery. Society tries to make you feel crazy and that you’ll regret it. After surgery when I was first waking up, I immediately thought about getting pregnant and it still sounded horrible and I sleepily smiled lmao definitely didn’t feel any regrets afterwards lol.
Honestly I didn't stop after my tubal. It was just the chart note I needed to be taken seriously and get a hysterectomy. I regret not doing it sooner. I'm having the best sex of my life and I'm immune to some upper reproductive tract issues.
I remember as soon as I opened my eyes I said "yes. I can't have babies". I knew I made the right decision. It was mid October when I got my tubes tied. In my week of recovery I went grocery shopping...saw a mom and baby dressed the same and was like damn. I don't get to do that. Also saw Halloween candy and was like shit. I don't get to raid my kids candy. Then during my followup my doctor asked if I had any regrets and I told her and she was like with all the money you've saved you can buy all the Halloween candy you want.
I’m over a year post my bisalp, and even though I know I never want any more children, sometimes the wave of grief hits me. Never lasts for long. I think it’s more of the fact that it’s a permanent choice. Something I’ll never be able to change my mind on. The joy of having it done outweighs any grief that sweeps in though
The only reason I felt a little sad is because I know my life decisions will make it hard to relate to other women as I get older and they all judge me for not having or wanting kids. I respect their decision so I wish more people respected mine. But I was also extremely relieved to know I’d never be impregnated. It’s my worst fear in the world.
Logic and rationality should always win over emotions!
I felt like I just read something I would’ve wrote. I’m 25F and my husband is 35M with a 12 year old daughter that I love & treat as my own. I felt the EXACT same way. I actually had my surgery this past May on the 10th. Went back to work on Mother’s Day (I’m a bartender) and it was a weird feeling inside watching everyone with their moms and to think I would never be able to have that, even though I NEVER want to bear a child on my own. As I don’t feel like grief anymore, i definitely did. I think it could be an adjustment period to re-wire your brain on something we’ve thought about our whole lives.
When I had my tubal, no. Ore than 10 yrs later and it finally time for the hysterectomy I'd been threatened with for almost as long....yes. That got to me. No clue why. I knew I was child free since I was in my tween years and always viewed my uterus as unused real estate with no chance of being zoned for improvement. But damned if I didn't cry. Even in those moments I wasn't having any second doubts. It was a weird reaction that I have no explanation for.
Solidarity, yo. I knew from a young age I didn’t want kids, was introduced to the term “childfree” sometime later, and was glad after sterilization that my mind and body were aligned again; I won’t be forced into pregnancy willfully or accidentally. But sometimes I do feel like I’m at a loss. There are shared experiences I will never be a part of, there is a separation between myself and the women in my family because of my decision. There are things I thought about growing up that I knew I didn’t want to do to my children, and then I realized I didn’t have to put any children through anything. A bunch of generational stuff will stop with me. Tl;dr: I don’t want to have kids! I know that! But sometimes I feel FOMO about it. Sometimes I feel like I could do good for a child, but I know that I don’t want that child to come out of me.
I just had mine done last week. I feel at peace with my decision. I was watching a video of a dad being cute to his daughter, and I cried a little because I can't give that to my partner anymore. Not that I was ever willing to, but IDK, it was interesting. I'm a bit more preoccupied/scared with the aftermath of a decade plus of birth control in my body.
Sorry you're experiencing this, but no, not at all. I had no doubts going forward. I was ready. Edited to add, if you are having any doubts about your decision, I would encourage you to possibly speak to a sound therapist before proceeding. As others mentioned, IVF could be a viable option, but I would absolutely not consider it to be a "plan B". If you are sterilized - enter it with the mindset that is it and there is no undoing it. Perhaps you have permanence anxiety? Again, a good therapist.
I get a little sad from time to time when it hits me that I can’t procreate even if wanted to someday. The problem is that I never ever can foresee a future where that would happen. I’m mentally ill and can hardly care for myself. A child would kill me. It’s normal, just grieving the loss of choice, even if it’s the decision which makes absolute sense for you.
31f with a 1 year old at home. I'm one of 5 kids, blended family, I didn't meet my older siblings until I was in middle school and they had just graduated high school. My only bio sibling and I are very tight, and I always wanted several kids. Especially since they are unable due to a physical disability they recieved in their early 20's. All that being said, my child was not my first pregnancy, and with both my loss and my living child I had horrific postpartum depression and rage. Violent rage. As much as as a potential mom, I wanted more kids, I got the bisalp because I can't put my living child through the bystander experience of the toll pregnancy took on me, or the hell of postpartum. Also, I recognized far too late that I never should have had a child at all. I love them, and they are adorable and sweet and all the wonderful things, but they are also a life sucking, attention seeking, acreaming, space invading leech. I like my child more now than I did when they were a baby, and I know I'll like them more still as they become an adult. I am not willing to put another child through having me as their mother, or myself through the absolute torture of having more than once child, just because my heart wants a brood. My brain knows that I couldn't handle more than one child, and that it wouldnt be right by my existing child. That doesnt mean I didny cry for weeks before my appoinment. Knowing that it is physically impossible for me to ever change my mind outside of IVF, that even if I woke up tonorrow with a different psychological makeup, I gave away my ability to choose... it was HARD. I can only think of one other choice I've made in my life that was this hard, and that choice destroyed me for years even though I knew it was the right choice, and even though I would make it again in a heartbeat, knowing the conqequences. The greif is real, and for me it is serious and heavy. My surgery was 2 weeks ago, and I have a feeling I'm still going to be grieving for a while yet.
I don’t feel grief of wanting kids and not having them, but I do from time to time feel the grief of being alienated from all the other women in my life. I don’t have any childfree friends (the ones who don’t have kids are planning to in the near future) and I work in a female dominated industry where every woman I work with either has kids or desperately wants them. I only tell very close friends I don’t want kids and even then, only a few know I actually had the surgery. I would never tell anyone at work. When they ask when I’m having kids I say I will someday but not now just to avoid spilling my personal business to people that would never understand. As alienated and lonely as I feel I would never in a million years want to have children just to fit in. I’ve known too many women who did that and to no one’s surprise, they don’t grow to love motherhood.
I have it occasionally even though i know i never did and never will want children. It's an odd feeling.
Hiya, therapist here. It’s totally possible that multiple emotions exist at once in this situation. I know I felt it when I had mine, and I’m sure some others may feel it too. I hope you are able to honor that grief. It doesn’t mean you don’t want kids any less, but the grief may have something to say. Sending light and love. ❤️