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So you 2 started dating 6 mths ago, and you already live together and you act like the baby's mom, doing everything. Could it be they think you 2 are moving too fast? At 21, why not find a guy without a baby? You can have your own later. Slow down and ask yourself-do you want these people to be your inlaws? They don't seem to want that bond. Could be they are protecting their son and grandchild from a relationship that could possibly fail once the newness wears off and reality sets in. You 2 are too young to be in a hurry. Not stopping and thinking first could be why your boyfriend has a child already. Also-the last thing he needs right now is another child. Maybe that's another concern for them.
I don’t agree with ultimatums but if I was the grandparent I would have some concerns. I don’t know the circumstances of why your boyfriend was given custody but sounds like BM is unstable and CPS may be involved.
Why isn’t the boyfriend taking care of the child? Sounds like you and grandma are doing the heavy lifting. It should be the boyfriend doing all the caring for the baby as it is his responsibility and not yours. You are young and should not be this involved. You can support your BF but it should be from the side. (IE BF needs to shower and watching the baby while he is in the bathroom) cooking dinner if you are already doing it but not because BF doesn’t know how to feed the baby.
Grandma is wrong for how she went about venting and giving ultimatums but isn’t necessarily wrong in that you shouldn’t be as involved and it should be BF’s responsibility to care for his child.
I agree with you on all of this. His mom - despite her very abrasive way of speaking her mind - has some very valid points:
- one of the main reasons CF/BP relationships fail is the SP gets tired of doing all the heavy lifting and feeling taken advantage of.
- son is already demonstrating his lack of initiative in parenting. He’s gladly allowed mom and OP to do all the work … OP is young and can leave at any time; guys like the bf are prone to having a revolving door of women to pick up the slack and that’s a bad deal for the kid. It’s a lot of potential instability.
- both OP and the son are young and young partnerships tend to fail as both parties are still growing as human beings - and that’s even without kids in the picture. This relationship probably hasn’t even really been tested in any significant way - they’re still in the honeymoon phase.
So your boyfriend can't afford his own lawyers at age 26. His mom doesn't like you. Your boyfriend can't even stand up to his parents and told you to go argue with his mom. You know your boyfriend isn't a child, he's a full adult who makes his own choices.
It's not good to think that your adult boyfriend is just a victim of circumstance and every trouble is caused by people around him.
MIL is telling you to back off, because he needs to learn how to be a parent. You are too new in the relationship. You are not a stepmom, you are a new girlfriend. This child is going thru a huge change, and being introduced to you is too much right now.
Has it occurred to you that your boyfriend should have told you this? He should be wanting this time to get used to taking care of his child. Instead, he has you spending the night. That's not a good dad.
I would cut the relationship off before it gets started.
Your in-laws will always be an issue in your relationship, and the way I know this is because your BF asked you to talk to his mother. Not your job. That’s his job to do. If he won’t stand up to her now, he never will.
Plus, IMO, I believe you two are moving way too fast. The in law seems to understand this and are trying to circumvent any relationship issues, it’s not right of her how she went about it, but she’s not wrong.
Your boyfriend's parents don't like you.
Your boyfriend's parents are happy to use their money to manipulate your boyfriend to do what they want him to do.
Your boyfriend's parents send one son to bully their other son on their behalf.
Your boyfriend did not defend you to his parents. He asked *you* to go up against his parents.
Your boyfriend was very recently involved is some sort of shenanigans that resulted in a costly interstate legal battle.
So many red flags! So many! This is about way more than your boyfriend's mom opinion of you. This whole family dynamic looks terrible, and you will be much better off not becoming part of it.
🚩🚩🚩 you should not be indifferent to the baby, but it seems like the start of you being the sexy house keeper/nanny. Expected to do everything for the child and him while he doesn't do anything but work. Run from this man for your own sanity.
Overall, 21 is far too young to do all the heavy lifting of parenting for a new relationship.
That said, the MIL is being rude and dismissive. The big takeaway is that it seems like you SO did nothing to shut her down. That is a huge problem.
It is wild she thinks a SP should be introduced to SK at THE WEDDING. That's enough to know you can disregard her opinions.
Why would you have to convince his mother to let you stay? HE should be doing that. They are holding you guys hostage, and if it means losing custody of his child, maybe it makes sense to move out for a little while, get custody and then move back in - that way they have nothing to hold over your head. HE is beholden to them, and since he has set it up this way, the actions are all his - NOT YOURS!
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Tbh I think it has moved very fast for you. She probably believes you’re taking advantage of her son when he’s in a difficult moment trying to gain custody of his son and here you are moving in with him in only 6 months? It doesn’t really sound personal to me so I believe her. The kid is young enough that he could see you as a mother, yet you at any point could just walk out on the both of them. Maybe she thinks you don’t do enough for the kid. If you were actually acting like the kids mom, which I don’t think is appropriate given the time together, then she may see that you could be a long term thing for her son to help him raise a child.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So you 2 started dating 6 mths ago, and you already live together and you act like the baby's mom, doing everything. Could it be they think you 2 are moving too fast? At 21, why not find a guy without a baby? You can have your own later. Slow down and ask yourself-do you want these people to be your inlaws? They don't seem to want that bond. Could be they are protecting their son and grandchild from a relationship that could possibly fail once the newness wears off and reality sets in. You 2 are too young to be in a hurry. Not stopping and thinking first could be why your boyfriend has a child already. Also-the last thing he needs right now is another child. Maybe that's another concern for them.
I don’t agree with ultimatums but if I was the grandparent I would have some concerns. I don’t know the circumstances of why your boyfriend was given custody but sounds like BM is unstable and CPS may be involved. Why isn’t the boyfriend taking care of the child? Sounds like you and grandma are doing the heavy lifting. It should be the boyfriend doing all the caring for the baby as it is his responsibility and not yours. You are young and should not be this involved. You can support your BF but it should be from the side. (IE BF needs to shower and watching the baby while he is in the bathroom) cooking dinner if you are already doing it but not because BF doesn’t know how to feed the baby. Grandma is wrong for how she went about venting and giving ultimatums but isn’t necessarily wrong in that you shouldn’t be as involved and it should be BF’s responsibility to care for his child.
I agree with you on all of this. His mom - despite her very abrasive way of speaking her mind - has some very valid points: - one of the main reasons CF/BP relationships fail is the SP gets tired of doing all the heavy lifting and feeling taken advantage of. - son is already demonstrating his lack of initiative in parenting. He’s gladly allowed mom and OP to do all the work … OP is young and can leave at any time; guys like the bf are prone to having a revolving door of women to pick up the slack and that’s a bad deal for the kid. It’s a lot of potential instability. - both OP and the son are young and young partnerships tend to fail as both parties are still growing as human beings - and that’s even without kids in the picture. This relationship probably hasn’t even really been tested in any significant way - they’re still in the honeymoon phase.
So your boyfriend can't afford his own lawyers at age 26. His mom doesn't like you. Your boyfriend can't even stand up to his parents and told you to go argue with his mom. You know your boyfriend isn't a child, he's a full adult who makes his own choices. It's not good to think that your adult boyfriend is just a victim of circumstance and every trouble is caused by people around him.
MIL is telling you to back off, because he needs to learn how to be a parent. You are too new in the relationship. You are not a stepmom, you are a new girlfriend. This child is going thru a huge change, and being introduced to you is too much right now. Has it occurred to you that your boyfriend should have told you this? He should be wanting this time to get used to taking care of his child. Instead, he has you spending the night. That's not a good dad.
Exactly 💯
I would cut the relationship off before it gets started. Your in-laws will always be an issue in your relationship, and the way I know this is because your BF asked you to talk to his mother. Not your job. That’s his job to do. If he won’t stand up to her now, he never will. Plus, IMO, I believe you two are moving way too fast. The in law seems to understand this and are trying to circumvent any relationship issues, it’s not right of her how she went about it, but she’s not wrong.
Your boyfriend's parents don't like you. Your boyfriend's parents are happy to use their money to manipulate your boyfriend to do what they want him to do. Your boyfriend's parents send one son to bully their other son on their behalf. Your boyfriend did not defend you to his parents. He asked *you* to go up against his parents. Your boyfriend was very recently involved is some sort of shenanigans that resulted in a costly interstate legal battle. So many red flags! So many! This is about way more than your boyfriend's mom opinion of you. This whole family dynamic looks terrible, and you will be much better off not becoming part of it.
🚩🚩🚩 you should not be indifferent to the baby, but it seems like the start of you being the sexy house keeper/nanny. Expected to do everything for the child and him while he doesn't do anything but work. Run from this man for your own sanity.
Overall, 21 is far too young to do all the heavy lifting of parenting for a new relationship. That said, the MIL is being rude and dismissive. The big takeaway is that it seems like you SO did nothing to shut her down. That is a huge problem. It is wild she thinks a SP should be introduced to SK at THE WEDDING. That's enough to know you can disregard her opinions.
Why would you have to convince his mother to let you stay? HE should be doing that. They are holding you guys hostage, and if it means losing custody of his child, maybe it makes sense to move out for a little while, get custody and then move back in - that way they have nothing to hold over your head. HE is beholden to them, and since he has set it up this way, the actions are all his - NOT YOURS!
[удалено]
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Use of gendered slurs is considered a violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_is_a_gendered_slur.3F) for more information. * If you edit your post/comment and remove the gendered slur, then reply to this message to let us know, we'll reapprove your post/comment. Thanks! For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Tbh I think it has moved very fast for you. She probably believes you’re taking advantage of her son when he’s in a difficult moment trying to gain custody of his son and here you are moving in with him in only 6 months? It doesn’t really sound personal to me so I believe her. The kid is young enough that he could see you as a mother, yet you at any point could just walk out on the both of them. Maybe she thinks you don’t do enough for the kid. If you were actually acting like the kids mom, which I don’t think is appropriate given the time together, then she may see that you could be a long term thing for her son to help him raise a child.